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Season 1, Episode 1 — Pilot
PELTON:
#1
⇓
Good morning.
#2
⇓
Many of you
#3
⇓
are halfway through
#4
⇓
your first week here
#5
⇓
I thought I would share
#7
⇓
a few thoughts of wisdom
#8
⇓
and inspiration.
#9
⇓
What is community college?
#10
⇓
Well, you've heard
#11
⇓
all kinds of things.
#12
⇓
for remedial teens,
#14
⇓
20-something dropouts,
#15
⇓
middle-aged divorcees,
#16
⇓
and old people keeping
#17
⇓
their minds active
#18
⇓
as they circle
#19
⇓
the drain of eternity.
#20
⇓
That's what you've heard.
#21
⇓
However, I wish you luck.
#22
⇓
Okay, you know-- Uh-oh.
#23
⇓
There's more
#24
⇓
to this speech.
#25
⇓
There's a middle card
#26
⇓
that's missing.
#27
⇓
Can we look around
#28
⇓
our immediate areas?
#29
⇓
But not angry at America,
#37
⇓
angry at my mom for leaving.
#38
⇓
She did leave
#39
⇓
because he was angry
#40
⇓
and he was angry
#41
⇓
because she's American.
#42
⇓
My name's Abed.
#43
⇓
that I had?
#48
⇓
Oh, uh--
#49
⇓
Five after 11
#50
⇓
when you asked.
#51
⇓
Abed.
#52
⇓
Yeah.
#53
⇓
I talked to her once while
#58
⇓
she was borrowing a pencil.
#59
⇓
But her name is Britta,
#60
⇓
28, birthday in October.
#61
⇓
Has two older brothers.
#62
⇓
One works with children
#63
⇓
who have a disorder
#64
⇓
I might look up.
#65
⇓
She thinks she's gonna
#66
⇓
flunk tomorrow's test.
#67
⇓
if that makes her seem cold.
#69
⇓
That's the nicest thing
#72
⇓
anyone's ever said to me.
#73
⇓
DUNCAN:
#74
⇓
Jeff Winger,
#75
⇓
You gotta stop saying that.
#77
⇓
I will never do that.
#78
⇓
Sit down. Sit down.
#79
⇓
So, what is my lawyer
#80
⇓
doing here?
#81
⇓
I'm a student.
#82
⇓
Well, that cannot be
#83
⇓
an inspiring journey.
#84
⇓
my license.
#87
⇓
was less than legitimate.
#89
⇓
You had a bachelor's
#90
⇓
from Columbia?
#91
⇓
Now I have to get one
#92
⇓
from America.
#93
⇓
It can't be
#94
⇓
Well, you've picked
#96
⇓
a fine school.
#97
⇓
Yes. And I'm hoping
#98
⇓
that our friendship
#99
⇓
Yes.
#102
⇓
Every answer to every test
#104
⇓
that I'm taking.
#106
⇓
Waster. Not a bathroom.
#111
⇓
Not a bathroom.
#112
⇓
less into integrity
#114
⇓
12 of your peers
#116
⇓
on the freeway
#118
⇓
was loving America.
#122
⇓
Thank you.
#124
⇓
Jeff, are you familiar
#126
⇓
with the adage
#127
⇓
"Cheaters never prosper"?
#128
⇓
No. And if I wanted to
#129
⇓
learn something,
#130
⇓
I wouldn't have come
#131
⇓
to community college.
#132
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#133
⇓
Oh, hey, Spanish.
#134
⇓
Whoa.
#136
⇓
on his iPhone
#142
⇓
I'm taking the class
#145
⇓
as an easy credit.
#146
⇓
Board certified.
#148
⇓
[IN SPANISH]
#150
⇓
I really need help
#151
⇓
with Spanish.
#152
⇓
I was willing to bet.
#153
⇓
I'm Jeff.
#154
⇓
Or jefe.
#155
⇓
We meet
#156
⇓
at the library at 4.
#157
⇓
Yeah.
#158
⇓
Britta. Thanks.
#159
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#160
⇓
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
#161
⇓
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
#162
⇓
Hey, all right, come on in.
#163
⇓
I rented the table.
#164
⇓
Yeah, here's the, uh,
#165
⇓
contact sheet.
#166
⇓
Just put your stuff there.
#167
⇓
That's--
#168
⇓
Man, the rest of the group
#169
⇓
is running late.
#170
⇓
But you and I
#171
⇓
can get acquainted.
#172
⇓
this morning,
#174
⇓
Yeah. I like big talk.
#176
⇓
That's not small talk?
#178
⇓
What's your deal,
#179
⇓
and is God dead?
#180
⇓
All right,
#181
⇓
Mm.
#183
⇓
Yeah.
#187
⇓
I'll like you.
#189
⇓
You lie to me,
#190
⇓
Uh-- I would have to go--
#194
⇓
I would have to say,
#195
⇓
um, honesty.
#196
⇓
Because I would say anything
#197
⇓
to get what I want,
#198
⇓
and I want you to like me.
#199
⇓
So, uh...
#200
⇓
Well,
#201
⇓
For now,
#203
⇓
Whoo! Whoo!
#209
⇓
Whoo. Why?
#210
⇓
Britta invited me.
#211
⇓
Is that cool?
#212
⇓
Oh, I can't think of a single
#213
⇓
logical reason why not.
#214
⇓
JEFF: There you go.
#216
⇓
Put your info down
#217
⇓
right there.
#218
⇓
Cool, cool, cool.
#219
⇓
Cool, cool, cool.
#220
⇓
Breakfast Club, huh?
#222
⇓
I'm sure we've each
#224
⇓
that would make us cry
#226
⇓
if we talked about it.
#227
⇓
I got doozy in the chamber
#230
⇓
if things get emotional.
#231
⇓
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
#232
⇓
Hey, text message.
#233
⇓
Uh, er, it's probably--
#235
⇓
It's just for your eyes.
#236
⇓
That is weird.
#240
⇓
Do you have to pee?
#241
⇓
Hmm.
#243
⇓
Well, I'm stumped.
#244
⇓
That's very creepy.
#245
⇓
That makes two of us.
#247
⇓
ABED:
#250
⇓
It's just someone with
#252
⇓
I just need five minutes.
#254
⇓
So go ahead and study
#255
⇓
all the verbs in Spanish.
#256
⇓
[WHISPERS]
#257
⇓
Spanish.
#258
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#259
⇓
Suppose
#260
⇓
it was possible
#262
⇓
I would say go for that.
#264
⇓
And could have said so
#265
⇓
in a text.
#266
⇓
I'm asking
#267
⇓
I could make anything
#272
⇓
right or wrong.
#273
⇓
So either I'm God
#274
⇓
or truth is relative,
#275
⇓
You don't have to play shrink
#281
⇓
to protect your pride.
#282
⇓
I accept you're chicken.
#283
⇓
I'm a professor.
#284
⇓
A 6-year-old girl could
#286
⇓
talk to you that way.
#287
⇓
Yes, because
#288
⇓
No, because
#290
⇓
you're a 5-year-old girl,
#291
⇓
and there's a pecking order.
#292
⇓
Thank you.
#294
⇓
Yes, good.
#296
⇓
Why am I still shouting?
#297
⇓
You guys
#299
⇓
aren't gonna believe this,
#300
⇓
Is here.
#302
⇓
Are you
#303
⇓
right, Seacrest?
#306
⇓
I need to call my babysitter
#307
⇓
if we gonna be late.
#308
⇓
Where's Britta?
#310
⇓
Not sure. I invited people
#311
⇓
from Spanish class.
#312
⇓
It's the coolest.
#314
⇓
And bring my jacket,
#316
⇓
wallet and keys with me
#317
⇓
in case there's a fire.
#318
⇓
Should we go with him?
#319
⇓
Gonna leave my homework
#320
⇓
with Slumdog Millionaire.
#321
⇓
SHIRLEY:
#322
⇓
That's borderline racist.
#323
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#324
⇓
And busted.
#325
⇓
Listen.
#326
⇓
Yeah, but they're filtered,
#328
⇓
so that makes them safe.
#329
⇓
You ready to get started?
#330
⇓
a page on Craigslist.
#333
⇓
And I was trained
#334
⇓
never to say this,
#335
⇓
but I think that group
#336
⇓
may be untutorable.
#337
⇓
Oh, really?
#338
⇓
Why don't you and I
#339
⇓
go study over--
#340
⇓
Or drinks.
#342
⇓
I think, actually,
#343
⇓
and study first
#345
⇓
And if they really prove
#347
⇓
to be untutorable,
#348
⇓
we'll slip out early.
#349
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#351
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#352
⇓
JEFF:
#353
⇓
I can stay till 10.
#356
⇓
But who studies
#357
⇓
with strangers, right?
#358
⇓
My name is Jeff.
#359
⇓
Jeff, it's a pleasure.
#360
⇓
as in Hawthorne Wipes,
#363
⇓
I was just gonna ask.
#366
⇓
I'm a Toastmaster.
#367
⇓
You know Brittles.
#370
⇓
Abed. Abed the Arab.
#372
⇓
Sure.
#374
⇓
Troy.
#376
⇓
Annie.
#378
⇓
And this beautiful creature
#379
⇓
is named Shirley.
#380
⇓
Is that even close?
#381
⇓
Way more
#386
⇓
like Breakfast Club.
#387
⇓
We should get started--
#389
⇓
I've been a part of a lot
#390
⇓
Well, Annie, sweetie,
#395
⇓
it's not behind your back.
#396
⇓
and the "sweeties"?
#398
⇓
if anything,
#401
⇓
No, no, no. Don't.
#406
⇓
Shirley, go ahead.
#408
⇓
Okay, okay.
#409
⇓
I'm sure I've made
#410
⇓
And maybe Annie's
#412
⇓
decisions will be better.
#413
⇓
I think she needs to decide
#414
⇓
whether she wants to be
#415
⇓
because children get pity,
#417
⇓
but not respect,
#418
⇓
and adults, they get respect.
#419
⇓
"jukebox" in Spanish?
#423
⇓
JEFF: Pierce.
#425
⇓
Pardon you?
#427
⇓
I'm certified.
#429
⇓
Are you unaware
#430
⇓
that Shirley finds
#431
⇓
What advances?
#433
⇓
You have been
#434
⇓
sexually harassing me
#435
⇓
since the very first day
#436
⇓
of class.
#437
⇓
Sexually harassing?
#438
⇓
What--?
#439
⇓
That makes no sense to me.
#440
⇓
Why would I harass somebody
#441
⇓
who turns me on?
#442
⇓
Saying she turns you on
#443
⇓
is the harassment, dude.
#444
⇓
Hey.
#445
⇓
dinner guest.
#448
⇓
This teenage boy
#452
⇓
Troy.
#455
⇓
How'd you know I went there?
#457
⇓
Were you that girl that got
#460
⇓
You're little Annie Adderall.
#462
⇓
in a keg stand.
#466
⇓
Keg flip.
#467
⇓
Very hard to pull off.
#468
⇓
[GROUP ARGUING]
#471
⇓
You know what I got
#472
⇓
for Christmas?
#473
⇓
It was a banner year
#474
⇓
at the Bender family.
#475
⇓
I got a carton of cigarettes.
#476
⇓
The old man grabbed me.
#477
⇓
He said,
#478
⇓
"Hey, smoke up, Johnny."
#479
⇓
No, Dad, what about you?
#480
⇓
The Breakfast Club.
#482
⇓
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
#485
⇓
Dirty Dancing. Hello?
#486
⇓
DUNCAN [IN DEEP VOICE]:
#487
⇓
It's Professor Duncan.
#488
⇓
[PHONE BEEPS]
#492
⇓
I'll be right back.
#493
⇓
But while I'm gone,
#494
⇓
you guys need to
#495
⇓
hash this stuff out.
#496
⇓
No stone unturned. Go.
#497
⇓
[GROUP CHATTERING]
#498
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#499
⇓
Every answer
#500
⇓
to every test
#501
⇓
in your curriculum
#502
⇓
this semester.
#503
⇓
Thank you.
#505
⇓
Whoa, there, grabby grabby.
#506
⇓
What do I get?
#507
⇓
Even, fairness, right, wrong.
#509
⇓
There is no God.
#510
⇓
Your Lexus.
#513
⇓
worth of answers?
#515
⇓
Will it be just a semester,
#516
⇓
though, Jeff?
#517
⇓
Won't you be taking
#518
⇓
the easy way out
#519
⇓
for the next four years?
#520
⇓
I want payment in advance.
#521
⇓
I want leather seats
#522
⇓
with built-in ball warmers.
#523
⇓
Take this car.
#529
⇓
It's good for the Earth.
#530
⇓
with a leaf,
#532
⇓
but it's not
#533
⇓
JEFF:
#535
⇓
Golf cart.
#536
⇓
Yeah. Untutorable.
#539
⇓
You like Thai food?
#540
⇓
I love Thai food.
#541
⇓
for a shot
#545
⇓
Why can't you see that
#547
⇓
What do you want me to do?
#550
⇓
I'm the Barack Obama
#555
⇓
of this room.
#556
⇓
Okay, if I do that,
#557
⇓
then dinner, right?
#558
⇓
[SCOFFS]
#559
⇓
Yeah, fine, whatever.
#560
⇓
when you see my new car.
#565
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#566
⇓
All right, everybody!
#568
⇓
I wanna say something.
#569
⇓
Sit down.
#570
⇓
from other animals?
#573
⇓
Feet.
#574
⇓
We're the only species
#577
⇓
on earth
#578
⇓
that observes
#579
⇓
"Shark Week."
#580
⇓
Sharks don't even observe
#581
⇓
"Shark Week," but we do.
#582
⇓
For the same reason
#583
⇓
I can pick up this pencil,
#584
⇓
tell you it's name is Steve
#585
⇓
Oh.
#587
⇓
JEFF:
#588
⇓
And part of you dies
#589
⇓
just a little bit
#590
⇓
on the inside.
#591
⇓
Because people can connect
#592
⇓
with anything.
#593
⇓
We can sympathize with
#594
⇓
a pencil,
#595
⇓
we can forgive a shark,
#596
⇓
and we can give Ben Affleck
#597
⇓
an Academy Award
#598
⇓
for screenwriting.
#599
⇓
PIERCE:
#600
⇓
Big mistake.
#601
⇓
People can find the good
#602
⇓
in just about anything
#603
⇓
but themselves.
#604
⇓
Look at me. It's clear to
#605
⇓
But what I can do is see
#609
⇓
what makes Annie awesome.
#610
⇓
She's driven.
#611
⇓
We need driven people,
#612
⇓
or the lights go out
#613
⇓
and the ice cream melts.
#614
⇓
And Pierce,
#615
⇓
we need guys like Pierce.
#616
⇓
The Dalai Lama and I--
#618
⇓
We should listen to him.
#620
⇓
We wouldn't regret it.
#621
⇓
And Shirley,
#622
⇓
but as a woman.
#625
⇓
Don't test her on that,
#626
⇓
because that thing
#627
⇓
about the jukebox
#628
⇓
was too specific
#629
⇓
to be improvised.
#630
⇓
And Troy.
#631
⇓
Who cares if Troy thinks
#632
⇓
he's all that?
#633
⇓
And Abed. Abed's a shaman.
#635
⇓
You ask him to pass the salt,
#636
⇓
he gives you a bowl of soup.
#637
⇓
Because you know what,
#638
⇓
soup is better.
#639
⇓
Abed is better.
#640
⇓
You are all better
#641
⇓
than you think you are.
#642
⇓
You are just designed
#643
⇓
not to believe it
#644
⇓
Soup?
#646
⇓
Look to the person
#647
⇓
to your left.
#648
⇓
Sorry. Look at the person
#649
⇓
sitting next to you.
#650
⇓
SHIRLEY:
#651
⇓
Look at her. Okay.
#652
⇓
JEFF: Yeah.
#654
⇓
I want you to extend
#655
⇓
to that person
#656
⇓
to sharks, pencils
#658
⇓
and Ben Affleck.
#659
⇓
I want you to say
#660
⇓
to that person,
#661
⇓
"I forgive you."
#662
⇓
BOTH:
#663
⇓
I forgive you.
#664
⇓
I forgive you.
#666
⇓
"I forgive you."
#670
⇓
I forgive you.
#672
⇓
You've just stopped
#673
⇓
being a study group.
#674
⇓
You have become something
#675
⇓
unstoppable.
#676
⇓
I hereby pronounce you
#677
⇓
a community.
#678
⇓
Oh, that's nice.
#679
⇓
I like that.
#680
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#681
⇓
anymore.
#683
⇓
It's Stripes or Meatballs.
#684
⇓
Anything with Bill Murray.
#685
⇓
I agree with Abed that
#686
⇓
And now,
#688
⇓
if you'll excuse me,
#689
⇓
I have a dinner engagement
#690
⇓
with Britta.
#691
⇓
I lied.
#693
⇓
Thanks for calming
#694
⇓
everyone down.
#695
⇓
just a lying creep
#698
⇓
in an attempt to get with me,
#700
⇓
I'd appreciate it if you left
#701
⇓
Fine.
#705
⇓
And I'm happy to report
#706
⇓
that one of the benefits
#707
⇓
of being a lying creep
#708
⇓
is having all the answers
#709
⇓
to tomorrow's test.
#710
⇓
more than they wasted mine.
#713
⇓
Jeff, if you have
#714
⇓
all the answers,
#715
⇓
why the hell did you start
#716
⇓
this study group?
#717
⇓
I don't have a study group.
#718
⇓
I made it up.
#719
⇓
JEFF: That's what I do.
#721
⇓
I make things up.
#722
⇓
And I got paid
#723
⇓
a lot of money to do it.
#724
⇓
Before I came
#725
⇓
[ALL GROAN]
#728
⇓
SHIRLEY:
#729
⇓
Bill Murray.
#732
⇓
Yeah?
#735
⇓
Well, you have Asperger's.
#736
⇓
[ANNIE GASPS]
#737
⇓
Ha, ha. Ass burger.
#739
⇓
It really is.
#741
⇓
Heh, heh.
#745
⇓
Burger for your ass.
#747
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#748
⇓
[CHUCKLES]
#749
⇓
Before you say anything,
#750
⇓
you might wanna think
#751
⇓
No. No, not that.
#754
⇓
An important lesson.
#755
⇓
to survive out there
#757
⇓
will not help you here
#758
⇓
at Greendale.
#759
⇓
What you have, my friend,
#760
⇓
is a second chance
#761
⇓
at an honest life.
#762
⇓
Give me my keys.
#763
⇓
for the lesson.
#765
⇓
PIERCE:
#769
⇓
I like you, Jeffrey.
#770
⇓
at your age.
#772
⇓
I deserve that.
#773
⇓
seven times?
#775
⇓
Sometimes I think
#776
⇓
You keep getting married.
#778
⇓
I never
#779
⇓
Yeah, things got kind of
#782
⇓
boring after you left.
#783
⇓
on a bed covered
#785
⇓
in test answers?
#786
⇓
I'm gonna flunk the test.
#788
⇓
If you just, like, study
#789
⇓
You seem pretty smart.
#791
⇓
You got a sports coat.
#792
⇓
is you can get
#795
⇓
how to do that.
#799
⇓
[MOUTHING]
#801
⇓
Please? So sad?
#802
⇓
[MOUTHING]
#803
⇓
He makes me wanna:
#804
⇓
What's going on?
#805
⇓
Can you guys hear me?
#806
⇓
Am I deaf?
#807
⇓
right now?
#809
⇓
That's good.
#811
⇓
You know what?
#812
⇓
Jeff, actually,
#813
⇓
we didn't get that far
#814
⇓
without you.
#815
⇓
So if you wanna come
#816
⇓
back upstairs--
#817
⇓
Really?
#818
⇓
so--
#820
⇓
Sounds good.
#822
⇓
Pressure.
#824
⇓
[THE 88'S "DON'T YOU
#825
⇓
FORGET ABOUT ME" PLAYING]
#826
⇓
♪ Will you walk on by? ♪
#827
⇓
I'm sorry I called you
#828
⇓
Michael Douglas.
#829
⇓
And I see your value now.
#830
⇓
♪ Come on, call my name ♪
#831
⇓
That's the nicest thing
#832
⇓
anyone's ever said to me.
#833
⇓
♪ I say, la
#834
⇓
La la la ♪
#835
⇓
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
#836
⇓
♪ La, la, la, la, la
#837
⇓
La, la, la ♪
#838
⇓
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
#839
⇓
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
#840
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#841
⇓
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