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Season 1, Episode 1 — Pilot

PELTON:

#1

⇓

Good morning.

#2

⇓

Many of you

#3

⇓

are halfway through

#4

⇓

your first week here

#5

⇓

I thought I would share

#7

⇓

a few thoughts of wisdom

#8

⇓

and inspiration.

#9

⇓

What is community college?

#10

⇓

Well, you've heard

#11

⇓

all kinds of things.

#12

⇓

for remedial teens,

#14

⇓

20-something dropouts,

#15

⇓

middle-aged divorcees,

#16

⇓

and old people keeping

#17

⇓

their minds active

#18

⇓

as they circle

#19

⇓

the drain of eternity.

#20

⇓

That's what you've heard.

#21

⇓

However, I wish you luck.

#22

⇓

Okay, you know-- Uh-oh.

#23

⇓

There's more

#24

⇓

to this speech.

#25

⇓

There's a middle card

#26

⇓

that's missing.

#27

⇓

Can we look around

#28

⇓

our immediate areas?

#29

⇓

But not angry at America,

#37

⇓

angry at my mom for leaving.

#38

⇓

She did leave

#39

⇓

because he was angry

#40

⇓

and he was angry

#41

⇓

because she's American.

#42

⇓

My name's Abed.

#43

⇓

that I had?

#48

⇓

Oh, uh--

#49

⇓

Five after 11

#50

⇓

when you asked.

#51

⇓

Abed.

#52

⇓

Yeah.

#53

⇓

I talked to her once while

#58

⇓

she was borrowing a pencil.

#59

⇓

But her name is Britta,

#60

⇓

28, birthday in October.

#61

⇓

Has two older brothers.

#62

⇓

One works with children

#63

⇓

who have a disorder

#64

⇓

I might look up.

#65

⇓

She thinks she's gonna

#66

⇓

flunk tomorrow's test.

#67

⇓

if that makes her seem cold.

#69

⇓

That's the nicest thing

#72

⇓

anyone's ever said to me.

#73

⇓

DUNCAN:

#74

⇓

Jeff Winger,

#75

⇓

You gotta stop saying that.

#77

⇓

I will never do that.

#78

⇓

Sit down. Sit down.

#79

⇓

So, what is my lawyer

#80

⇓

doing here?

#81

⇓

I'm a student.

#82

⇓

Well, that cannot be

#83

⇓

an inspiring journey.

#84

⇓

my license.

#87

⇓

was less than legitimate.

#89

⇓

You had a bachelor's

#90

⇓

from Columbia?

#91

⇓

Now I have to get one

#92

⇓

from America.

#93

⇓

It can't be

#94

⇓

Well, you've picked

#96

⇓

a fine school.

#97

⇓

Yes. And I'm hoping

#98

⇓

that our friendship

#99

⇓

Yes.

#102

⇓

Every answer to every test

#104

⇓

that I'm taking.

#106

⇓

Waster. Not a bathroom.

#111

⇓

Not a bathroom.

#112

⇓

less into integrity

#114

⇓

12 of your peers

#116

⇓

on the freeway

#118

⇓

was loving America.

#122

⇓

Thank you.

#124

⇓

Jeff, are you familiar

#126

⇓

with the adage

#127

⇓

"Cheaters never prosper"?

#128

⇓

No. And if I wanted to

#129

⇓

learn something,

#130

⇓

I wouldn't have come

#131

⇓

to community college.

#132

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#133

⇓

Oh, hey, Spanish.

#134

⇓

Whoa.

#136

⇓

on his iPhone

#142

⇓

I'm taking the class

#145

⇓

as an easy credit.

#146

⇓

Board certified.

#148

⇓

[IN SPANISH]

#150

⇓

I really need help

#151

⇓

with Spanish.

#152

⇓

I was willing to bet.

#153

⇓

I'm Jeff.

#154

⇓

Or jefe.

#155

⇓

We meet

#156

⇓

at the library at 4.

#157

⇓

Yeah.

#158

⇓

Britta. Thanks.

#159

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#160

⇓

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

#161

⇓

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

#162

⇓

Hey, all right, come on in.

#163

⇓

I rented the table.

#164

⇓

Yeah, here's the, uh,

#165

⇓

contact sheet.

#166

⇓

Just put your stuff there.

#167

⇓

That's--

#168

⇓

Man, the rest of the group

#169

⇓

is running late.

#170

⇓

But you and I

#171

⇓

can get acquainted.

#172

⇓

this morning,

#174

⇓

Yeah. I like big talk.

#176

⇓

That's not small talk?

#178

⇓

What's your deal,

#179

⇓

and is God dead?

#180

⇓

All right,

#181

⇓

Mm.

#183

⇓

Yeah.

#187

⇓

I'll like you.

#189

⇓

You lie to me,

#190

⇓

Uh-- I would have to go--

#194

⇓

I would have to say,

#195

⇓

um, honesty.

#196

⇓

Because I would say anything

#197

⇓

to get what I want,

#198

⇓

and I want you to like me.

#199

⇓

So, uh...

#200

⇓

Well,

#201

⇓

For now,

#203

⇓

Whoo! Whoo!

#209

⇓

Whoo. Why?

#210

⇓

Britta invited me.

#211

⇓

Is that cool?

#212

⇓

Oh, I can't think of a single

#213

⇓

logical reason why not.

#214

⇓

JEFF: There you go.

#216

⇓

Put your info down

#217

⇓

right there.

#218

⇓

Cool, cool, cool.

#219

⇓

Cool, cool, cool.

#220

⇓

Breakfast Club, huh?

#222

⇓

I'm sure we've each

#224

⇓

that would make us cry

#226

⇓

if we talked about it.

#227

⇓

I got doozy in the chamber

#230

⇓

if things get emotional.

#231

⇓

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

#232

⇓

Hey, text message.

#233

⇓

Uh, er, it's probably--

#235

⇓

It's just for your eyes.

#236

⇓

That is weird.

#240

⇓

Do you have to pee?

#241

⇓

Hmm.

#243

⇓

Well, I'm stumped.

#244

⇓

That's very creepy.

#245

⇓

That makes two of us.

#247

⇓

ABED:

#250

⇓

It's just someone with

#252

⇓

I just need five minutes.

#254

⇓

So go ahead and study

#255

⇓

all the verbs in Spanish.

#256

⇓

[WHISPERS]

#257

⇓

Spanish.

#258

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#259

⇓

Suppose

#260

⇓

it was possible

#262

⇓

I would say go for that.

#264

⇓

And could have said so

#265

⇓

in a text.

#266

⇓

I'm asking

#267

⇓

I could make anything

#272

⇓

right or wrong.

#273

⇓

So either I'm God

#274

⇓

or truth is relative,

#275

⇓

You don't have to play shrink

#281

⇓

to protect your pride.

#282

⇓

I accept you're chicken.

#283

⇓

I'm a professor.

#284

⇓

A 6-year-old girl could

#286

⇓

talk to you that way.

#287

⇓

Yes, because

#288

⇓

No, because

#290

⇓

you're a 5-year-old girl,

#291

⇓

and there's a pecking order.

#292

⇓

Thank you.

#294

⇓

Yes, good.

#296

⇓

Why am I still shouting?

#297

⇓

You guys

#299

⇓

aren't gonna believe this,

#300

⇓

Is here.

#302

⇓

Are you

#303

⇓

right, Seacrest?

#306

⇓

I need to call my babysitter

#307

⇓

if we gonna be late.

#308

⇓

Where's Britta?

#310

⇓

Not sure. I invited people

#311

⇓

from Spanish class.

#312

⇓

It's the coolest.

#314

⇓

And bring my jacket,

#316

⇓

wallet and keys with me

#317

⇓

in case there's a fire.

#318

⇓

Should we go with him?

#319

⇓

Gonna leave my homework

#320

⇓

with Slumdog Millionaire.

#321

⇓

SHIRLEY:

#322

⇓

That's borderline racist.

#323

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#324

⇓

And busted.

#325

⇓

Listen.

#326

⇓

Yeah, but they're filtered,

#328

⇓

so that makes them safe.

#329

⇓

You ready to get started?

#330

⇓

a page on Craigslist.

#333

⇓

And I was trained

#334

⇓

never to say this,

#335

⇓

but I think that group

#336

⇓

may be untutorable.

#337

⇓

Oh, really?

#338

⇓

Why don't you and I

#339

⇓

go study over--

#340

⇓

Or drinks.

#342

⇓

I think, actually,

#343

⇓

and study first

#345

⇓

And if they really prove

#347

⇓

to be untutorable,

#348

⇓

we'll slip out early.

#349

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#351

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#352

⇓

JEFF:

#353

⇓

I can stay till 10.

#356

⇓

But who studies

#357

⇓

with strangers, right?

#358

⇓

My name is Jeff.

#359

⇓

Jeff, it's a pleasure.

#360

⇓

as in Hawthorne Wipes,

#363

⇓

I was just gonna ask.

#366

⇓

I'm a Toastmaster.

#367

⇓

You know Brittles.

#370

⇓

Abed. Abed the Arab.

#372

⇓

Sure.

#374

⇓

Troy.

#376

⇓

Annie.

#378

⇓

And this beautiful creature

#379

⇓

is named Shirley.

#380

⇓

Is that even close?

#381

⇓

Way more

#386

⇓

like Breakfast Club.

#387

⇓

We should get started--

#389

⇓

I've been a part of a lot

#390

⇓

Well, Annie, sweetie,

#395

⇓

it's not behind your back.

#396

⇓

and the "sweeties"?

#398

⇓

if anything,

#401

⇓

No, no, no. Don't.

#406

⇓

Shirley, go ahead.

#408

⇓

Okay, okay.

#409

⇓

I'm sure I've made

#410

⇓

And maybe Annie's

#412

⇓

decisions will be better.

#413

⇓

I think she needs to decide

#414

⇓

whether she wants to be

#415

⇓

because children get pity,

#417

⇓

but not respect,

#418

⇓

and adults, they get respect.

#419

⇓

"jukebox" in Spanish?

#423

⇓

JEFF: Pierce.

#425

⇓

Pardon you?

#427

⇓

I'm certified.

#429

⇓

Are you unaware

#430

⇓

that Shirley finds

#431

⇓

What advances?

#433

⇓

You have been

#434

⇓

sexually harassing me

#435

⇓

since the very first day

#436

⇓

of class.

#437

⇓

Sexually harassing?

#438

⇓

What--?

#439

⇓

That makes no sense to me.

#440

⇓

Why would I harass somebody

#441

⇓

who turns me on?

#442

⇓

Saying she turns you on

#443

⇓

is the harassment, dude.

#444

⇓

Hey.

#445

⇓

dinner guest.

#448

⇓

This teenage boy

#452

⇓

Troy.

#455

⇓

How'd you know I went there?

#457

⇓

Were you that girl that got

#460

⇓

You're little Annie Adderall.

#462

⇓

in a keg stand.

#466

⇓

Keg flip.

#467

⇓

Very hard to pull off.

#468

⇓

[GROUP ARGUING]

#471

⇓

You know what I got

#472

⇓

for Christmas?

#473

⇓

It was a banner year

#474

⇓

at the Bender family.

#475

⇓

I got a carton of cigarettes.

#476

⇓

The old man grabbed me.

#477

⇓

He said,

#478

⇓

"Hey, smoke up, Johnny."

#479

⇓

No, Dad, what about you?

#480

⇓

The Breakfast Club.

#482

⇓

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

#485

⇓

Dirty Dancing. Hello?

#486

⇓

DUNCAN [IN DEEP VOICE]:

#487

⇓

It's Professor Duncan.

#488

⇓

[PHONE BEEPS]

#492

⇓

I'll be right back.

#493

⇓

But while I'm gone,

#494

⇓

you guys need to

#495

⇓

hash this stuff out.

#496

⇓

No stone unturned. Go.

#497

⇓

[GROUP CHATTERING]

#498

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#499

⇓

Every answer

#500

⇓

to every test

#501

⇓

in your curriculum

#502

⇓

this semester.

#503

⇓

Thank you.

#505

⇓

Whoa, there, grabby grabby.

#506

⇓

What do I get?

#507

⇓

Even, fairness, right, wrong.

#509

⇓

There is no God.

#510

⇓

Your Lexus.

#513

⇓

worth of answers?

#515

⇓

Will it be just a semester,

#516

⇓

though, Jeff?

#517

⇓

Won't you be taking

#518

⇓

the easy way out

#519

⇓

for the next four years?

#520

⇓

I want payment in advance.

#521

⇓

I want leather seats

#522

⇓

with built-in ball warmers.

#523

⇓

Take this car.

#529

⇓

It's good for the Earth.

#530

⇓

with a leaf,

#532

⇓

but it's not

#533

⇓

JEFF:

#535

⇓

Golf cart.

#536

⇓

Yeah. Untutorable.

#539

⇓

You like Thai food?

#540

⇓

I love Thai food.

#541

⇓

for a shot

#545

⇓

Why can't you see that

#547

⇓

What do you want me to do?

#550

⇓

I'm the Barack Obama

#555

⇓

of this room.

#556

⇓

Okay, if I do that,

#557

⇓

then dinner, right?

#558

⇓

[SCOFFS]

#559

⇓

Yeah, fine, whatever.

#560

⇓

when you see my new car.

#565

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#566

⇓

All right, everybody!

#568

⇓

I wanna say something.

#569

⇓

Sit down.

#570

⇓

from other animals?

#573

⇓

Feet.

#574

⇓

We're the only species

#577

⇓

on earth

#578

⇓

that observes

#579

⇓

"Shark Week."

#580

⇓

Sharks don't even observe

#581

⇓

"Shark Week," but we do.

#582

⇓

For the same reason

#583

⇓

I can pick up this pencil,

#584

⇓

tell you it's name is Steve

#585

⇓

Oh.

#587

⇓

JEFF:

#588

⇓

And part of you dies

#589

⇓

just a little bit

#590

⇓

on the inside.

#591

⇓

Because people can connect

#592

⇓

with anything.

#593

⇓

We can sympathize with

#594

⇓

a pencil,

#595

⇓

we can forgive a shark,

#596

⇓

and we can give Ben Affleck

#597

⇓

an Academy Award

#598

⇓

for screenwriting.

#599

⇓

PIERCE:

#600

⇓

Big mistake.

#601

⇓

People can find the good

#602

⇓

in just about anything

#603

⇓

but themselves.

#604

⇓

Look at me. It's clear to

#605

⇓

But what I can do is see

#609

⇓

what makes Annie awesome.

#610

⇓

She's driven.

#611

⇓

We need driven people,

#612

⇓

or the lights go out

#613

⇓

and the ice cream melts.

#614

⇓

And Pierce,

#615

⇓

we need guys like Pierce.

#616

⇓

The Dalai Lama and I--

#618

⇓

We should listen to him.

#620

⇓

We wouldn't regret it.

#621

⇓

And Shirley,

#622

⇓

but as a woman.

#625

⇓

Don't test her on that,

#626

⇓

because that thing

#627

⇓

about the jukebox

#628

⇓

was too specific

#629

⇓

to be improvised.

#630

⇓

And Troy.

#631

⇓

Who cares if Troy thinks

#632

⇓

he's all that?

#633

⇓

And Abed. Abed's a shaman.

#635

⇓

You ask him to pass the salt,

#636

⇓

he gives you a bowl of soup.

#637

⇓

Because you know what,

#638

⇓

soup is better.

#639

⇓

Abed is better.

#640

⇓

You are all better

#641

⇓

than you think you are.

#642

⇓

You are just designed

#643

⇓

not to believe it

#644

⇓

Soup?

#646

⇓

Look to the person

#647

⇓

to your left.

#648

⇓

Sorry. Look at the person

#649

⇓

sitting next to you.

#650

⇓

SHIRLEY:

#651

⇓

Look at her. Okay.

#652

⇓

JEFF: Yeah.

#654

⇓

I want you to extend

#655

⇓

to that person

#656

⇓

to sharks, pencils

#658

⇓

and Ben Affleck.

#659

⇓

I want you to say

#660

⇓

to that person,

#661

⇓

"I forgive you."

#662

⇓

BOTH:

#663

⇓

I forgive you.

#664

⇓

I forgive you.

#666

⇓

"I forgive you."

#670

⇓

I forgive you.

#672

⇓

You've just stopped

#673

⇓

being a study group.

#674

⇓

You have become something

#675

⇓

unstoppable.

#676

⇓

I hereby pronounce you

#677

⇓

a community.

#678

⇓

Oh, that's nice.

#679

⇓

I like that.

#680

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#681

⇓

anymore.

#683

⇓

It's Stripes or Meatballs.

#684

⇓

Anything with Bill Murray.

#685

⇓

I agree with Abed that

#686

⇓

And now,

#688

⇓

if you'll excuse me,

#689

⇓

I have a dinner engagement

#690

⇓

with Britta.

#691

⇓

I lied.

#693

⇓

Thanks for calming

#694

⇓

everyone down.

#695

⇓

just a lying creep

#698

⇓

in an attempt to get with me,

#700

⇓

I'd appreciate it if you left

#701

⇓

Fine.

#705

⇓

And I'm happy to report

#706

⇓

that one of the benefits

#707

⇓

of being a lying creep

#708

⇓

is having all the answers

#709

⇓

to tomorrow's test.

#710

⇓

more than they wasted mine.

#713

⇓

Jeff, if you have

#714

⇓

all the answers,

#715

⇓

why the hell did you start

#716

⇓

this study group?

#717

⇓

I don't have a study group.

#718

⇓

I made it up.

#719

⇓

JEFF: That's what I do.

#721

⇓

I make things up.

#722

⇓

And I got paid

#723

⇓

a lot of money to do it.

#724

⇓

Before I came

#725

⇓

[ALL GROAN]

#728

⇓

SHIRLEY:

#729

⇓

Bill Murray.

#732

⇓

Yeah?

#735

⇓

Well, you have Asperger's.

#736

⇓

[ANNIE GASPS]

#737

⇓

Ha, ha. Ass burger.

#739

⇓

It really is.

#741

⇓

Heh, heh.

#745

⇓

Burger for your ass.

#747

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#748

⇓

[CHUCKLES]

#749

⇓

Before you say anything,

#750

⇓

you might wanna think

#751

⇓

No. No, not that.

#754

⇓

An important lesson.

#755

⇓

to survive out there

#757

⇓

will not help you here

#758

⇓

at Greendale.

#759

⇓

What you have, my friend,

#760

⇓

is a second chance

#761

⇓

at an honest life.

#762

⇓

Give me my keys.

#763

⇓

for the lesson.

#765

⇓

PIERCE:

#769

⇓

I like you, Jeffrey.

#770

⇓

at your age.

#772

⇓

I deserve that.

#773

⇓

seven times?

#775

⇓

Sometimes I think

#776

⇓

You keep getting married.

#778

⇓

I never

#779

⇓

Yeah, things got kind of

#782

⇓

boring after you left.

#783

⇓

on a bed covered

#785

⇓

in test answers?

#786

⇓

I'm gonna flunk the test.

#788

⇓

If you just, like, study

#789

⇓

You seem pretty smart.

#791

⇓

You got a sports coat.

#792

⇓

is you can get

#795

⇓

how to do that.

#799

⇓

[MOUTHING]

#801

⇓

Please? So sad?

#802

⇓

[MOUTHING]

#803

⇓

He makes me wanna:

#804

⇓

What's going on?

#805

⇓

Can you guys hear me?

#806

⇓

Am I deaf?

#807

⇓

right now?

#809

⇓

That's good.

#811

⇓

You know what?

#812

⇓

Jeff, actually,

#813

⇓

we didn't get that far

#814

⇓

without you.

#815

⇓

So if you wanna come

#816

⇓

back upstairs--

#817

⇓

Really?

#818

⇓

so--

#820

⇓

Sounds good.

#822

⇓

Pressure.

#824

⇓

[THE 88'S "DON'T YOU

#825

⇓

FORGET ABOUT ME" PLAYING]

#826

⇓

♪ Will you walk on by? ♪

#827

⇓

I'm sorry I called you

#828

⇓

Michael Douglas.

#829

⇓

And I see your value now.

#830

⇓

♪ Come on, call my name ♪

#831

⇓

That's the nicest thing

#832

⇓

anyone's ever said to me.

#833

⇓

♪ I say, la

#834

⇓

La la la ♪

#835

⇓

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

#836

⇓

♪ La, la, la, la, la

#837

⇓

La, la, la ♪

#838

⇓

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

#839

⇓

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

#840

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#841

⇓