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Home » Community » S01E01 — Pilot

Community

Season 1, Episode 1 — Pilot

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Community

Episode title: Pilot

Air date: September 17, 2009

Directors: Joe Russo, Anthony Russo

Top billed cast: Joel McHale, Gillian Jacobs, Alison Brie, Donald Glover, Yvette Nicole Brown, Danny Pudi

When the legitimacy of his degree is challenged, lawyer Jeff Winger must return to school, where he meets a clan of misfit community college students.

Source: TMDB

↓

PELTON:

pelton

↓

Good morning.

morning

↓

Many of you

↓

are halfway through

halfway

↓

your first week here

week

↓

I thought I would share

share

↓

a few thoughts of wisdom

thoughts wisdom

↓

and inspiration.

inspiration

↓

What is community college?

college community community-college

↓

Well, you've heard

heard

↓

all kinds of things.

kinds

↓

for remedial teens,

remedial teens

↓

20-something dropouts,

↓

middle-aged divorcees,

aged middle middle-aged

↓

and old people keeping

keeping

↓

their minds active

active minds

↓

as they circle

circle

↓

the drain of eternity.

drain eternity

↓

That's what you've heard.

heard

↓

However, I wish you luck.

luck wish

↓

Okay, you know-- Uh-oh.

↓

There's more

↓

to this speech.

speech

↓

There's a middle card

card middle

↓

that's missing.

missing

↓

Can we look around

↓

our immediate areas?

areas immediate

↓

But not angry at America,

america angry

↓

angry at my mom for leaving.

angry leaving

↓

She did leave

↓

because he was angry

angry

↓

and he was angry

angry

↓

because she's American.

american

↓

My name's Abed.

abed names

↓

that I had?

↓

Oh, uh--

↓

Five after 11

five

↓

when you asked.

asked

↓

Abed.

abed

↓

Yeah.

↓

I talked to her once while

talked

↓

she was borrowing a pencil.

borrowing pencil

↓

But her name is Britta,

britta name

↓

28, birthday in October.

birthday october

↓

Has two older brothers.

brothers older

↓

One works with children

children works

↓

who have a disorder

disorder

↓

I might look up.

might

↓

She thinks she's gonna

thinks

↓

flunk tomorrow's test.

flunk test tomorrows

↓

if that makes her seem cold.

cold makes

↓

That's the nicest thing

nicest

↓

anyone's ever said to me.

anyones

↓

DUNCAN:

duncan

↓

Jeff Winger,

jeff jeff-winger winger

↓

You gotta stop saying that.

↓

I will never do that.

↓

Sit down. Sit down.

↓

So, what is my lawyer

lawyer

↓

doing here?

↓

I'm a student.

student

↓

Well, that cannot be

cannot

↓

an inspiring journey.

inspiring journey

↓

my license.

license

↓

was less than legitimate.

legitimate less

↓

You had a bachelor's

↓

from Columbia?

↓

Now I have to get one

↓

from America.

america

↓

It can't be

↓

Well, you've picked

picked

↓

a fine school.

school

↓

Yes. And I'm hoping

hoping

↓

that our friendship

friendship

↓

Yes.

↓

Every answer to every test

answer test

↓

that I'm taking.

↓

Waster. Not a bathroom.

bathroom

↓

Not a bathroom.

bathroom

↓

less into integrity

integrity less

↓

12 of your peers

peers

↓

on the freeway

freeway

↓

was loving America.

america loving

↓

Thank you.

↓

Jeff, are you familiar

familiar jeff

↓

with the adage

↓

"Cheaters never prosper"?

cheaters

↓

No. And if I wanted to

wanted

↓

learn something,

learn

↓

I wouldn't have come

↓

to community college.

college community community-college

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Oh, hey, Spanish.

spanish

↓

Whoa.

whoa

↓

on his iPhone

↓

I'm taking the class

class

↓

as an easy credit.

credit easy

↓

Board certified.

board certified

↓

[IN SPANISH]

spanish

↓

I really need help

↓

with Spanish.

spanish

↓

I was willing to bet.

willing

↓

I'm Jeff.

jeff

↓

Or jefe.

↓

We meet

meet

↓

at the library at 4.

library

↓

Yeah.

↓

Britta. Thanks.

britta thanks

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

spanish speaking

↓

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

spanish speaks

↓

Hey, all right, come on in.

↓

I rented the table.

rented table

↓

Yeah, here's the, uh,

↓

contact sheet.

contact sheet

↓

Just put your stuff there.

stuff

↓

That's--

↓

Man, the rest of the group

group rest

↓

is running late.

late running running-late

↓

But you and I

↓

can get acquainted.

↓

this morning,

morning

↓

Yeah. I like big talk.

↓

That's not small talk?

↓

What's your deal,

deal

↓

and is God dead?

dead

↓

All right,

↓

Mm.

↓

Yeah.

↓

I'll like you.

↓

You lie to me,

↓

Uh-- I would have to go--

↓

I would have to say,

↓

um, honesty.

honesty

↓

Because I would say anything

↓

to get what I want,

↓

and I want you to like me.

↓

So, uh...

↓

Well,

↓

For now,

↓

Whoo! Whoo!

whoo whoo-whoo

↓

Whoo. Why?

whoo

↓

Britta invited me.

britta invited

↓

Is that cool?

cool

↓

Oh, I can't think of a single

single

↓

logical reason why not.

logical reason

↓

JEFF: There you go.

jeff

↓

Put your info down

info

↓

right there.

↓

Cool, cool, cool.

cool cool-cool cool-cool-cool

↓

Cool, cool, cool.

cool cool-cool cool-cool-cool

↓

Breakfast Club, huh?

breakfast club

↓

I'm sure we've each

↓

that would make us cry

↓

if we talked about it.

talked

↓

I got doozy in the chamber

chamber doozy

↓

if things get emotional.

emotional

↓

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-chimes chimes phone phone-chimes

↓

Hey, text message.

message text

↓

Uh, er, it's probably--

↓

It's just for your eyes.

eyes

↓

That is weird.

weird

↓

Do you have to pee?

↓

Hmm.

↓

Well, I'm stumped.

stumped

↓

That's very creepy.

creepy

↓

That makes two of us.

makes

↓

ABED:

abed

↓

It's just someone with

↓

I just need five minutes.

five five-minutes minutes

↓

So go ahead and study

ahead go-ahead study

↓

all the verbs in Spanish.

spanish

↓

[WHISPERS]

whispers

↓

Spanish.

spanish

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Suppose

suppose

↓

it was possible

possible

↓

I would say go for that.

↓

And could have said so

↓

in a text.

text

↓

I'm asking

asking

↓

I could make anything

↓

right or wrong.

↓

So either I'm God

↓

or truth is relative,

relative truth

↓

You don't have to play shrink

shrink

↓

to protect your pride.

pride protect

↓

I accept you're chicken.

accept chicken

↓

I'm a professor.

professor

↓

A 6-year-old girl could

girl

↓

talk to you that way.

↓

Yes, because

↓

No, because

↓

you're a 5-year-old girl,

girl

↓

and there's a pecking order.

order

↓

Thank you.

↓

Yes, good.

↓

Why am I still shouting?

shouting

↓

You guys

↓

aren't gonna believe this,

believe

↓

Is here.

↓

Are you

↓

right, Seacrest?

↓

I need to call my babysitter

babysitter

↓

if we gonna be late.

late

↓

Where's Britta?

britta

↓

Not sure. I invited people

invited

↓

from Spanish class.

class spanish

↓

It's the coolest.

coolest

↓

And bring my jacket,

bring jacket

↓

wallet and keys with me

keys wallet

↓

in case there's a fire.

case fire

↓

Should we go with him?

↓

Gonna leave my homework

homework

↓

with Slumdog Millionaire.

millionaire slumdog

↓

SHIRLEY:

shirley

↓

That's borderline racist.

borderline racist

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

And busted.

busted

↓

Listen.

↓

Yeah, but they're filtered,

↓

so that makes them safe.

makes safe

↓

You ready to get started?

ready started

↓

a page on Craigslist.

craigslist page

↓

And I was trained

trained

↓

never to say this,

↓

but I think that group

group

↓

may be untutorable.

↓

Oh, really?

↓

Why don't you and I

↓

go study over--

study

↓

Or drinks.

drinks

↓

I think, actually,

↓

and study first

study

↓

And if they really prove

prove

↓

to be untutorable,

↓

we'll slip out early.

early slip

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

JEFF:

jeff

↓

I can stay till 10.

till

↓

But who studies

studies

↓

with strangers, right?

strangers

↓

My name is Jeff.

jeff name

↓

Jeff, it's a pleasure.

jeff pleasure

↓

as in Hawthorne Wipes,

hawthorne wipes

↓

I was just gonna ask.

↓

I'm a Toastmaster.

↓

You know Brittles.

↓

Abed. Abed the Arab.

abed

↓

Sure.

↓

Troy.

troy

↓

Annie.

annie

↓

And this beautiful creature

creature

↓

is named Shirley.

named shirley

↓

Is that even close?

close

↓

Way more

↓

like Breakfast Club.

breakfast club

↓

We should get started--

started

↓

I've been a part of a lot

part

↓

Well, Annie, sweetie,

annie sweetie

↓

it's not behind your back.

behind

↓

and the "sweeties"?

↓

if anything,

↓

No, no, no. Don't.

↓

Shirley, go ahead.

ahead go-ahead shirley

↓

Okay, okay.

↓

I'm sure I've made

↓

And maybe Annie's

annies

↓

decisions will be better.

decisions

↓

I think she needs to decide

decide needs

↓

whether she wants to be

wants whether

↓

because children get pity,

children pity

↓

but not respect,

respect

↓

and adults, they get respect.

adults respect

↓

"jukebox" in Spanish?

jukebox spanish

↓

JEFF: Pierce.

jeff pierce

↓

Pardon you?

pardon

↓

I'm certified.

certified

↓

Are you unaware

unaware

↓

that Shirley finds

finds shirley

↓

What advances?

advances

↓

You have been

↓

sexually harassing me

harassing sexually

↓

since the very first day

↓

of class.

class

↓

Sexually harassing?

harassing sexually

↓

What--?

↓

That makes no sense to me.

makes sense

↓

Why would I harass somebody

harass somebody

↓

who turns me on?

turns

↓

Saying she turns you on

turns

↓

is the harassment, dude.

harassment

↓

Hey.

↓

dinner guest.

dinner guest

↓

This teenage boy

teenage

↓

Troy.

troy

↓

How'd you know I went there?

howd

↓

Were you that girl that got

girl

↓

You're little Annie Adderall.

annie

↓

in a keg stand.

stand

↓

Keg flip.

flip

↓

Very hard to pull off.

hard pull

↓

[GROUP ARGUING]

arguing group

↓

You know what I got

↓

for Christmas?

christmas

↓

It was a banner year

banner

↓

at the Bender family.

bender family

↓

I got a carton of cigarettes.

carton cigarettes

↓

The old man grabbed me.

grabbed

↓

He said,

↓

"Hey, smoke up, Johnny."

johnny smoke

↓

No, Dad, what about you?

↓

The Breakfast Club.

breakfast club

↓

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-ringing phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

Dirty Dancing. Hello?

dancing dirty

↓

DUNCAN [IN DEEP VOICE]:

deep deep-voice duncan voice

↓

It's Professor Duncan.

duncan professor

↓

[PHONE BEEPS]

beeps phone phone-beeps

↓

I'll be right back.

↓

But while I'm gone,

gone

↓

you guys need to

↓

hash this stuff out.

hash stuff

↓

No stone unturned. Go.

stone

↓

[GROUP CHATTERING]

chattering group

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Every answer

answer

↓

to every test

test

↓

in your curriculum

↓

this semester.

semester

↓

Thank you.

↓

Whoa, there, grabby grabby.

whoa

↓

What do I get?

↓

Even, fairness, right, wrong.

fairness

↓

There is no God.

↓

Your Lexus.

lexus

↓

worth of answers?

answers worth

↓

Will it be just a semester,

semester

↓

though, Jeff?

jeff

↓

Won't you be taking

↓

the easy way out

easy

↓

for the next four years?

four four-years years

↓

I want payment in advance.

advance payment

↓

I want leather seats

leather seats

↓

with built-in ball warmers.

ball built warmers

↓

Take this car.

↓

It's good for the Earth.

earth

↓

with a leaf,

leaf

↓

but it's not

↓

JEFF:

jeff

↓

Golf cart.

cart golf golf-cart

↓

Yeah. Untutorable.

↓

You like Thai food?

food thai

↓

I love Thai food.

food love thai

↓

for a shot

shot

↓

Why can't you see that

↓

What do you want me to do?

↓

I'm the Barack Obama

barack obama

↓

of this room.

room

↓

Okay, if I do that,

↓

then dinner, right?

dinner

↓

[SCOFFS]

scoffs

↓

Yeah, fine, whatever.

↓

when you see my new car.

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

All right, everybody!

everybody

↓

I wanna say something.

↓

Sit down.

↓

from other animals?

animals

↓

Feet.

feet

↓

We're the only species

species

↓

on earth

earth

↓

that observes

↓

"Shark Week."

shark week

↓

Sharks don't even observe

observe sharks

↓

"Shark Week," but we do.

shark week

↓

For the same reason

reason

↓

I can pick up this pencil,

pencil pick

↓

tell you it's name is Steve

name steve

↓

Oh.

↓

JEFF:

jeff

↓

And part of you dies

dies part

↓

just a little bit

↓

on the inside.

↓

Because people can connect

connect

↓

with anything.

↓

We can sympathize with

↓

a pencil,

pencil

↓

we can forgive a shark,

forgive shark

↓

and we can give Ben Affleck

↓

an Academy Award

academy award

↓

for screenwriting.

↓

PIERCE:

pierce

↓

Big mistake.

mistake

↓

People can find the good

↓

in just about anything

↓

but themselves.

↓

Look at me. It's clear to

clear

↓

But what I can do is see

↓

what makes Annie awesome.

annie awesome makes

↓

She's driven.

driven

↓

We need driven people,

driven

↓

or the lights go out

lights

↓

and the ice cream melts.

cream melts

↓

And Pierce,

pierce

↓

we need guys like Pierce.

pierce

↓

The Dalai Lama and I--

↓

We should listen to him.

↓

We wouldn't regret it.

regret

↓

And Shirley,

shirley

↓

but as a woman.

woman

↓

Don't test her on that,

test

↓

because that thing

↓

about the jukebox

jukebox

↓

was too specific

specific

↓

to be improvised.

↓

And Troy.

troy

↓

Who cares if Troy thinks

cares thinks troy

↓

he's all that?

↓

And Abed. Abed's a shaman.

abed abeds shaman

↓

You ask him to pass the salt,

pass salt

↓

he gives you a bowl of soup.

bowl gives soup

↓

Because you know what,

↓

soup is better.

soup

↓

Abed is better.

abed

↓

You are all better

↓

than you think you are.

↓

You are just designed

designed

↓

not to believe it

believe

↓

Soup?

soup

↓

Look to the person

person

↓

to your left.

left

↓

Sorry. Look at the person

person

↓

sitting next to you.

sitting

↓

SHIRLEY:

shirley

↓

Look at her. Okay.

↓

JEFF: Yeah.

jeff

↓

I want you to extend

extend

↓

to that person

person

↓

to sharks, pencils

pencils sharks

↓

and Ben Affleck.

↓

I want you to say

↓

to that person,

person

↓

"I forgive you."

forgive

↓

BOTH:

↓

I forgive you.

forgive

↓

I forgive you.

forgive

↓

"I forgive you."

forgive

↓

I forgive you.

forgive

↓

You've just stopped

stopped

↓

being a study group.

group study study-group

↓

You have become something

become

↓

unstoppable.

unstoppable

↓

I hereby pronounce you

hereby pronounce

↓

a community.

community

↓

Oh, that's nice.

↓

I like that.

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

anymore.

anymore

↓

It's Stripes or Meatballs.

meatballs stripes

↓

Anything with Bill Murray.

bill murray

↓

I agree with Abed that

abed agree

↓

And now,

↓

if you'll excuse me,

excuse

↓

I have a dinner engagement

dinner engagement

↓

with Britta.

britta

↓

I lied.

lied

↓

Thanks for calming

calming thanks

↓

everyone down.

↓

just a lying creep

creep lying

↓

in an attempt to get with me,

attempt

↓

I'd appreciate it if you left

appreciate left

↓

Fine.

↓

And I'm happy to report

happy report

↓

that one of the benefits

benefits

↓

of being a lying creep

creep lying

↓

is having all the answers

answers having

↓

to tomorrow's test.

test tomorrows

↓

more than they wasted mine.

wasted

↓

Jeff, if you have

jeff

↓

all the answers,

answers

↓

why the hell did you start

start

↓

this study group?

group study study-group

↓

I don't have a study group.

group study study-group

↓

I made it up.

↓

JEFF: That's what I do.

jeff

↓

I make things up.

↓

And I got paid

paid

↓

a lot of money to do it.

money

↓

Before I came

↓

[ALL GROAN]

groan

↓

SHIRLEY:

shirley

↓

Bill Murray.

bill murray

↓

Yeah?

↓

Well, you have Asperger's.

↓

[ANNIE GASPS]

annie gasps

↓

Ha, ha. Ass burger.

burger

↓

It really is.

↓

Heh, heh.

↓

Burger for your ass.

burger

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

[CHUCKLES]

chuckles

↓

Before you say anything,

↓

you might wanna think

might

↓

No. No, not that.

↓

An important lesson.

lesson

↓

to survive out there

survive

↓

will not help you here

↓

at Greendale.

greendale

↓

What you have, my friend,

friend

↓

is a second chance

chance second second-chance

↓

at an honest life.

honest life

↓

Give me my keys.

keys

↓

for the lesson.

lesson

↓

PIERCE:

pierce

↓

I like you, Jeffrey.

jeffrey

↓

at your age.

↓

I deserve that.

deserve

↓

seven times?

seven seven-times times

↓

Sometimes I think

sometimes

↓

You keep getting married.

married

↓

I never

↓

Yeah, things got kind of

↓

boring after you left.

boring left

↓

on a bed covered

covered

↓

in test answers?

answers test

↓

I'm gonna flunk the test.

flunk test

↓

If you just, like, study

study

↓

You seem pretty smart.

smart

↓

You got a sports coat.

coat sports sports-coat

↓

is you can get

↓

how to do that.

↓

[MOUTHING]

mouthing

↓

Please? So sad?

↓

[MOUTHING]

mouthing

↓

He makes me wanna:

makes

↓

What's going on?

↓

Can you guys hear me?

↓

Am I deaf?

deaf

↓

right now?

↓

That's good.

↓

You know what?

↓

Jeff, actually,

jeff

↓

we didn't get that far

↓

without you.

↓

So if you wanna come

↓

back upstairs--

upstairs

↓

Really?

↓

so--

↓

Sounds good.

sounds

↓

Pressure.

pressure

↓

[THE 88'S "DON'T YOU

↓

FORGET ABOUT ME" PLAYING]

forget playing

↓

♪ Will you walk on by? ♪

walk

↓

I'm sorry I called you

called

↓

Michael Douglas.

douglas michael

↓

And I see your value now.

value

↓

♪ Come on, call my name ♪

name

↓

That's the nicest thing

nicest

↓

anyone's ever said to me.

anyones

↓

♪ I say, la

↓

La la la ♪

↓

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

↓

♪ La, la, la, la, la

↓

La, la, la ♪

↓

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

↓

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

↓

[♪♪♪]