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Home » Scrubs » S05E01 — My Intern's Eyes

Scrubs

Season 5, Episode 1 — My Intern's Eyes

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Scrubs

Episode title: My Intern's Eyes

Air date: January 03, 2006

Director: Bill Lawrence

Top billed cast: Zach Braff, Donald Faison, John C. McGinley, Sarah Chalke, Judy Reyes, Ken Jenkins

Attending at Sacred Heart, J.D. now has to deal with his own interns. Turk has doubts having children, then tries to prevent Carla from getting pregnant. Meanwhile Elliot struggles to find her way at County Hospital and doesn't want to seem like the helpless person she was before.

Source: TMDB

↓

Since my apartment's roof collapsed, I was living at a hotel.

apartments collapsed hotel living roof

↓

Since my apartment's roof collapsed, I was living at a hotel.

apartments collapsed hotel living roof

↓

But that's not the only thing that's changed around here.

changed

↓

(ROCK MUSIC)

music rock rock-music

↓

(ROCK MUSIC)

music rock rock-music

↓

Now that I'm an attending, I'm a licensed badass.

attending badass licensed

↓

Now that I'm an attending, I'm a licensed badass.

attending badass licensed

↓

Elliot actually works at a different hospital.

elliot hospital works

↓

Elliot actually works at a different hospital.

elliot hospital works

↓

She's trying to lay low at first.

↓

And Turk and Carla are trying to make a baby.

baby carla turk

↓

Here you go, baby.

baby

↓

Here you go, baby.

baby

↓

I know you love foreplay, but I only have five minutes,

five five-minutes foreplay love minutes

↓

I know you love foreplay, but I only have five minutes,

five five-minutes foreplay love minutes

↓

so I made you a sandwich.

sandwich

↓

That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.

seen sexiest

↓

That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.

seen sexiest

↓

- Over here, Turk. - My bad, baby.

baby turk

↓

- Over here, Turk. - My bad, baby.

baby turk

↓

Yep! Life was different.

life

↓

Hey! Did you take my Porsche from the valet?

porsche valet

↓

Hey! Did you take my Porsche from the valet?

porsche valet

↓

This didn't feel like my scooter.

scooter

↓

Ow!

↓

Look, no harm done. Here are your driving glasses,

driving glasses harm

↓

Look, no harm done. Here are your driving glasses,

driving glasses harm

↓

here's your driving scarf and here your driving gloves.

driving gloves scarf

↓

here's your driving scarf and here your driving gloves.

driving gloves scarf

↓

Fine, here's your driving sock.

driving sock

↓

Fine, here's your driving sock.

driving sock

↓

I didn't care, because now that I'm an attending,

attending care

↓

I'd picked out a whole new look.

picked whole

↓

I'd picked out a whole new look.

picked whole

↓

- Good morning, colleague.

colleague morning

↓

- Good morning, colleague.

colleague morning

↓

- Oh, absolutely not.

absolutely

↓

What, Tall, Dark and Scary?

dark scary tall

↓

What, Tall, Dark and Scary?

dark scary tall

↓

I can wear whatever the hell I...

wear

↓

- What are you doing?

↓

- This is my new imaginary warning light.

imaginary imaginary-warning imaginary-warning-light light warning warning-light

↓

- This is my new imaginary warning light.

imaginary imaginary-warning imaginary-warning-light light warning warning-light

↓

Whenever it starts blinking, a situation has ten seconds

blinking seconds situation starts

↓

to resolve itself

resolve

↓

before I flash white with rage and kill someone.

flash kill rage white

↓

One, two, three, four...

four three three-four

↓

One, two, three, four...

four three three-four

↓

...seven, eight, nine and ten.

eight eight-nine nine seven seven-eight

↓

I had a little trouble getting my Baby Gap T-shirt off.

baby shirt trouble

↓

I had a little trouble getting my Baby Gap T-shirt off.

baby shirt trouble

↓

It'll happen.

happen itll

↓

Ow.

↓

Ow.

↓

Argh!

argh

↓

OK, you know, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go with "ow."

↓

OK, you know, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go with "ow."

↓

How depressing is it being you?

depressing

↓

Seriously.

↓

Seriously.

↓

Would you equate it more to being a life long Cub fan,

life

↓

or to say, being born without lips?

born lips

↓

- Born without lips? - I know a guy.

born lips

↓

- His house just burned down. - How sad.

burned house

↓

- His house just burned down. - How sad.

burned house

↓

He was smoking in bed. He shouldn't smoke, 'cause he looks ridiculous.

ridiculous smoke smoking

↓

"I have a snake face."

face snake

↓

Listen, today if you bother me, could you do it without being around me?

bother today

↓

Listen, today if you bother me, could you do it without being around me?

bother today

↓

I have new interns starting. Can you imagine what it's like

imagine interns starting

↓

I have new interns starting. Can you imagine what it's like

imagine interns starting

↓

to see this place through their eyes for the first time?

eyes place

↓

to see this place through their eyes for the first time?

eyes place

↓

(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC)

inspirational inspirational-music music

↓

(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC)

inspirational inspirational-music music

↓

(INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC)

inspirational inspirational-music music

↓

Something on your shirt, kid. Huh. Oh.

shirt

↓

(laughs) Classic!

classic laughs

↓

(laughs) Classic!

classic laughs

↓

Hey...

↓

Sparky, it's five dollars a minute to stare in public.

dollars five five-dollars minute public sparky stare

↓

Sparky, it's five dollars a minute to stare in public.

dollars five five-dollars minute public sparky stare

↓

It's free in private... (PURRS)

free private purrs

↓

It's free in private... (PURRS)

free private purrs

↓

You're gonna love it here, sport.

love sport

↓

You're gonna love it here, sport.

love sport

↓

Get out while you still can.

↓

Seriously, get out while you still can.

↓

Seriously, get out while you still can.

↓

Junior, have you seen Johnny?

johnny junior seen

↓

Junior, have you seen Johnny?

johnny junior seen

↓

You know, Alzheimer's patient, likes to tackle people?

alzheimers likes patient tackle

↓

Uh-uh.

↓

Uh-uh.

↓

Has anybody seen Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient?

alzheimers anybody johnny patient seen

↓

Hey! You must be Keith.

keith must

↓

Hey! You must be Keith.

keith must

↓

Don't look so nervous, buddy. I got your back.

buddy nervous

↓

Who am I?

↓

Who am I?

↓

I found him.

found

↓

I found him.

found

↓

(THEME SONG)

song theme theme-song

↓

(THEME SONG)

song theme theme-song

↓

Someone's close enough for a hair-mussing.

close hair someones

↓

Someone's close enough for a hair-mussing.

close hair someones

↓

Dynamite bangs. Hey, guys. Follow me.

bangs dynamite follow

↓

Dynamite bangs. Hey, guys. Follow me.

bangs dynamite follow

↓

Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV,

finding having having-trouble trouble vein

↓

please don't page me.

page

↓

please don't page me.

page

↓

If you're desperate, we're lucky. This is a city hospital,

city desperate hospital lucky

↓

there are plenty of heroin addicts around

addicts heroin plenty

↓

there are plenty of heroin addicts around

addicts heroin plenty

↓

who are quite adept at this.

↓

Did you find a vein, there, Reverend Mayhem?

mayhem reverend vein

↓

Did you find a vein, there, Reverend Mayhem?

mayhem reverend vein

↓

- No problem. - ok, Good work, buddy.

buddy problem

↓

- No problem. - ok, Good work, buddy.

buddy problem

↓

Stay in school.

school

↓

- Mr Kellerman, how're you feeling? - Not great.

feeling howre kellerman

↓

- Mr Kellerman, how're you feeling? - Not great.

feeling howre kellerman

↓

Well, that's probably why you're here!

↓

Humour is a great icebreaker for patients, OK? Follow me.

follow patients

↓

Humour is a great icebreaker for patients, OK? Follow me.

follow patients

↓

Mr Kellerman has congestive heart failure.

failure heart kellerman

↓

Mr Kellerman has congestive heart failure.

failure heart kellerman

↓

Ok, Lisa, I want you to start him on diuretics, OK?

lisa start

↓

Ok, Lisa, I want you to start him on diuretics, OK?

lisa start

↓

That way we'll loosen up some of fluid around his lungs.

fluid loosen lungs

↓

The good news is

news

↓

he'll go home tomorrow.

home home-tomorrow tomorrow

↓

he'll go home tomorrow.

home home-tomorrow tomorrow

↓

The bad news is if he's not here,

news

↓

he won't move up the heart transplant list.

heart heart-transplant heart-transplant-list list transplant transplant-list

↓

he won't move up the heart transplant list.

heart heart-transplant heart-transplant-list list transplant transplant-list

↓

See, in medicine, there are lots of Catch-22s,

catch lots medicine

↓

See, in medicine, there are lots of Catch-22s,

catch lots medicine

↓

a phrase made famous, I believe, by an old fisherman

believe famous fisherman phrase

↓

who would stay out fishing

fishing

↓

who would stay out fishing

fishing

↓

until he caught... how many fish? Anybody? That's right, 22.

anybody caught fish

↓

until he caught... how many fish? Anybody? That's right, 22.

anybody caught fish

↓

- See, in 1492, Columbus... - Newbie!

columbus newbie

↓

If you loved the sound of your very own voice any more,

loved sound voice

↓

If you loved the sound of your very own voice any more,

loved sound voice

↓

you would probably just sit in a little room all day

room

↓

you would probably just sit in a little room all day

room

↓

and sing to yourself.

sing

↓

Oh, you guys can skedaddle.

skedaddle

↓

Oh, you guys can skedaddle.

skedaddle

↓

(Makes stupid noise and laughs)

laughs makes noise stupid

↓

I love interns. Gentlemen a reminder:

gentlemen interns love reminder

↓

I love interns. Gentlemen a reminder:

gentlemen interns love reminder

↓

As attendings, you are expected to turn in your insurance paperwork

attendings expected insurance paperwork

↓

As attendings, you are expected to turn in your insurance paperwork

attendings expected insurance paperwork

↓

and your required urine sample by tomorrow.

required sample tomorrow urine urine-sample

↓

Bob, I'm not planning on doing any paperwork.

paperwork planning

↓

Bob, I'm not planning on doing any paperwork.

paperwork planning

↓

But I did go ahead and leave my urine

ahead go-ahead urine

↓

sample on your driver's-side car door.

door drivers sample side

↓

sample on your driver's-side car door.

door drivers sample side

↓

Perry, Your lips, my ass, they should meet.

lips meet perry

↓

Dorian, after four years, I can only hope you no longer following

dorian following four four-years hope longer years

↓

Dorian, after four years, I can only hope you no longer following

dorian following four four-years hope longer years

↓

in his footsteps.

footsteps

↓

I turned in my paperwork already, but I'm gonna wait till tomorrow

paperwork till till-tomorrow tomorrow turned

↓

I turned in my paperwork already, but I'm gonna wait till tomorrow

paperwork till till-tomorrow tomorrow turned

↓

to turn in my urine sample out of respect to the fellas in the lab.

fellas respect sample urine urine-sample

↓

to turn in my urine sample out of respect to the fellas in the lab.

fellas respect sample urine urine-sample

↓

There's an asparagus issue.

asparagus issue

↓

There's an asparagus issue.

asparagus issue

↓

Now there's an answer that warrants a half-sincere pat on the shoulder.

answer half shoulder sincere warrants

↓

Now there's an answer that warrants a half-sincere pat on the shoulder.

answer half shoulder sincere warrants

↓

Thanks, Dr Kelso!

kelso thanks

↓

you know, he said "half-sincere," I think he was full-sincere.

full half sincere

↓

you know, he said "half-sincere," I think he was full-sincere.

full half sincere

↓

Feel my shoulder, it's still warm.

shoulder warm

↓

Lindsey, by you reaching the level of attending physician,

attending level physician reaching

↓

you've somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to.

become belong club managed member

↓

you've somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to.

become belong club managed member

↓

Obviously there was no vote. Because if there had been,

obviously vote

↓

Obviously there was no vote. Because if there had been,

obviously vote

↓

you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming, "Nay, nay,

screaming sound voice

↓

you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming, "Nay, nay,

screaming sound voice

↓

oh, dear God, one thousand times nay!"

dear thousand thousand-times times

↓

oh, dear God, one thousand times nay!"

dear thousand thousand-times times

↓

That being said, it's my obligation to let you in on the organisation's

obligation

↓

That being said, it's my obligation to let you in on the organisation's

obligation

↓

one and only bylaw:

↓

one and only bylaw:

↓

We're men.

↓

We're men.

↓

Yes, we are.

↓

The women are men. The children are men. The men, of course, men!

children course women

↓

The women are men. The children are men. The men, of course, men!

children course women

↓

So, I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five man cards.

ahead cards five liberty

↓

So, I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five man cards.

ahead cards five liberty

↓

Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise,

ball dear drop wise

↓

Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise,

ball dear drop wise

↓

I'm going to take one from you.

↓

I'm going to take one from you.

↓

I don't need your approval or your stupid man cards.

approval cards stupid

↓

I don't need your approval or your stupid man cards.

approval cards stupid

↓

Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?

darling

↓

Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?

darling

↓

- Thank you.

↓

- Damn it!

↓

That night, since we were low on cash, Turk snuck me into the movies.

cash movies night snuck turk

↓

That night, since we were low on cash, Turk snuck me into the movies.

cash movies night snuck turk

↓

One, please!

↓

One, please!

↓

Afterwards we talked about my living arrangements.

afterwards living talked

↓

- Are you sure about this? - You shouldn't stay in a hotel.

hotel

↓

- Are you sure about this? - You shouldn't stay in a hotel.

hotel

↓

So, why don't you just stay here until you find a place.

place

↓

Carla was pretty psyched to get rid of me. Are you gonna tell her?

carla psyched

↓

Carla was pretty psyched to get rid of me. Are you gonna tell her?

carla psyched

↓

I don't know. What do you think?

↓

Turk? Is that you?

turk

↓

Turk? Is that you?

turk

↓

- Yes. I'll be right in, baby.

baby

↓

- Yes. I'll be right in, baby.

baby

↓

- OK.

↓

Dude, you left your gym shorts in here!

left shorts

↓

Look, I gotta sex her up. I'll be back as quick as I can,

quick

↓

Look, I gotta sex her up. I'll be back as quick as I can,

quick

↓

so, it'd be about a hour and a half.

half hour

↓

Wait, wait, wait! Could you just quickly scratch my nose?

nose quickly scratch

↓

OK. OK. Don't zip me... up!

↓

OK. OK. Don't zip me... up!

↓

Turk! Turk!

turk turk-turk

↓

- I'm a little sick of the Turks. - Excuse me?

excuse sick turks

↓

- I'm a little sick of the Turks. - Excuse me?

excuse sick turks

↓

Not you, Omar. I love your people.

love

↓

I'm talking about their lovey-dovey crap.

↓

I'm talking about their lovey-dovey crap.

↓

Oh, Babe, I borrowed your backpack

babe backpack borrowed

↓

this morning and all my change fell out the bottom.

bottom change fell morning

↓

this morning and all my change fell out the bottom.

bottom change fell morning

↓

Maybe someone or something had to gnaw a hole in it

hole

↓

to keep from suffocating.

↓

Maybe someone already apologised for that about a hundred times.

apologised hundred hundred-times times

↓

Maybe someone already apologised for that about a hundred times.

apologised hundred hundred-times times

↓

Well, maybe 100 wasn't enough, I don't know.

↓

- Absolutely no lovers' quarrels. - Damn it!

absolutely lovers

↓

- Absolutely no lovers' quarrels. - Damn it!

absolutely lovers

↓

Elliot, by the way, what are you doing here?

elliot

↓

Elliot, by the way, what are you doing here?

elliot

↓

Oh, she hasn't talked to anybody at her new hospital yet.

anybody hospital talked

↓

- How did this become about me? - The Turks are sneaky.

become sneaky turks

↓

- How did this become about me? - The Turks are sneaky.

become sneaky turks

↓

Not you guys. I think Omar took my pudding.

pudding

↓

Hey, Keith! Can I get your pudding?

keith pudding

↓

Interns.

interns

↓

Interns.

interns

↓

Elliot, You should be excited about meeting people over there.

elliot excited meeting

↓

You could totally reinvent yourself.

↓

You could totally reinvent yourself.

↓

You're right!

↓

I'm gonna tell them I am the most perfect doctor ever

doctor perfect

↓

I'm gonna tell them I am the most perfect doctor ever

doctor perfect

↓

who never needs anyone's help with anything!

anyones needs

↓

That'll end well. Dude!

thatll

↓

This guy's unbelievable!

unbelievable

↓

This guy's unbelievable!

unbelievable

↓

OK guys, for some reason, Mr Kellerman's fluid situation

fluid reason situation

↓

OK guys, for some reason, Mr Kellerman's fluid situation

fluid reason situation

↓

isn't getting any better. I think he should be more aggressive.

aggressive

↓

isn't getting any better. I think he should be more aggressive.

aggressive

↓

Keith?

keith

↓

Why don't you go get a Lasix drip.

drip

↓

Why don't you go get a Lasix drip.

drip

↓

Other way, Keith!

keith

↓

Ahh, Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report,

exam female female-patients filling jason patients report

↓

Ahh, Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report,

exam female female-patients filling jason patients report

↓

her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy,"

breasts healthy unhealthy

↓

never "bangin' double-Ds."

bangin double

↓

never "bangin' double-Ds."

bangin double

↓

There's so much paperwork.

paperwork

↓

There's so much paperwork.

paperwork

↓

My dad was a veterinarian, and he never had to do any.

veterinarian

↓

Sometimes I wish this place were more like a horse hospital.

horse hospital place sometimes wish

↓

Sometimes I wish this place were more like a horse hospital.

horse hospital place sometimes wish

↓

I'm sorry, Mr Larson, but I do not like the look of that leg.

larson

↓

I'm sorry, Mr Larson, but I do not like the look of that leg.

larson

↓

We would have better hours.

hours

↓

All right, gang, get out of here.

gang

↓

All right, gang, get out of here.

gang

↓

Hey, everybody? Great work today.

everybody today

↓

Hey, everybody? Great work today.

everybody today

↓

How do you bother someone without being around them?

bother

↓

How do you bother someone without being around them?

bother

↓

That is the question.

question

↓

(PHOTOCOPIER WHIRS)

whirs

↓

Dorian, I'm paying you to work, not stand around acting like the Fonz.

acting dorian paying stand

↓

Dorian, I'm paying you to work, not stand around acting like the Fonz.

acting dorian paying stand

↓

Perfect.

perfect

↓

Perfect.

perfect

↓

Being Turk's secret roommate was going great...

roommate secret turks

↓

Being Turk's secret roommate was going great...

roommate secret turks

↓

(KNOCK AT DOOR) ..until now.

door knock

↓

Turk? I'm leaving for work.

leaving turk

↓

Turk? I'm leaving for work.

leaving turk

↓

Ok, You've been working on your Turk impression since college.

college impression turk working

↓

Time to shine!

shine

↓

Time to shine!

shine

↓

- Turk? - Baby, I'll be thinking about

baby thinking turk

↓

your lovelies and whatnot

whatnot

↓

until the second I see you, but right now, I'm doing my business.

business second

↓

until the second I see you, but right now, I'm doing my business.

business second

↓

Don't forget to use the Glade!

forget

↓

Don't forget to use the Glade!

forget

↓

Dude! That's the best it's ever sounded!

best sounded

↓

Dude! That's the best it's ever sounded!

best sounded

↓

- I thought she was gone? - Nah, she came back for a quickie.

gone quickie

↓

All this baby stuff man, I feel like she rushed me into it.

baby baby-stuff rushed stuff

↓

All this baby stuff man, I feel like she rushed me into it.

baby baby-stuff rushed stuff

↓

Tell you the truth, I'm not even sure I'm ready.

ready truth

↓

Tell you the truth, I'm not even sure I'm ready.

ready truth

↓

Well, you better get ready, she's been off the pill for like a week.

pill ready week

↓

What have you done?

↓

Think she'll be mad?

shell

↓

Dr Reid? Need some help?

reid

↓

Dr Reid? Need some help?

reid

↓

I don't need anyone's help. Thank you.

anyones

↓

Stop running!

running

↓

Stop running!

running

↓

Doctor, do you know where the Foley caths are?

doctor foley

↓

Doctor, do you know where the Foley caths are?

doctor foley

↓

Sir, I know where everything is.

↓

Be right back.

↓

Be right back.

↓

Stupid coffee robot!

coffee robot stupid

↓

Stupid coffee robot!

coffee robot stupid

↓

Frick!

frick

↓

Don't sweat it kid. I used to hide here when I worked at this place.

hide place sweat used worked

↓

I'm on a fellowship now. Foley cath, please.

fellowship foley

↓

I'm on a fellowship now. Foley cath, please.

fellowship foley

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Thanks. Could you also grab a number six needle?

grab needle number thanks

↓

Thanks. Could you also grab a number six needle?

grab needle number thanks

↓

Frick fricky frick frick!

frick frick-frick

↓

Nice ass, grandma!

grandma

↓

Nice ass, grandma!

grandma

↓

(screams)

screams

↓

(screams)

screams

↓

That screaming patient would have to wait. I had bigger problems.

bigger bigger-problems patient problems screaming

↓

That screaming patient would have to wait. I had bigger problems.

bigger bigger-problems patient problems screaming

↓

Hey, Keith! I just called upstairs to see how Mr Kellerman was doing.

called keith kellerman upstairs

↓

Hey, Keith! I just called upstairs to see how Mr Kellerman was doing.

called keith kellerman upstairs

↓

And get this: The nurse told me you never even started him

nurse started

↓

And get this: The nurse told me you never even started him

nurse started

↓

on a Lasix drip.

drip

↓

And Lisa! Imagine my surprise when she told me you never even increased

imagine increased lisa surprise

↓

And Lisa! Imagine my surprise when she told me you never even increased

imagine increased lisa surprise

↓

his diuretic in the first place! I'm forced to ask,

forced place

↓

his diuretic in the first place! I'm forced to ask,

forced place

↓

are you people trained killers?

killers trained

↓

Say something, Keith!

keith

↓

Say something, Keith!

keith

↓

I...

↓

Dr Dorian, if he gets bad enough do we have to put him on inotropes,

dorian inotropes

↓

Dr Dorian, if he gets bad enough do we have to put him on inotropes,

dorian inotropes

↓

he'll jump to the top of the transplant list and get a new heart.

heart jump list transplant transplant-list

↓

he'll jump to the top of the transplant list and get a new heart.

heart jump list transplant transplant-list

↓

They're messing up on purpose?

messing purpose

↓

They're messing up on purpose?

messing purpose

↓

Who told you guys to do this?

↓

There's a lot of ways to get caught.

caught ways

↓

There's a lot of ways to get caught.

caught ways

↓

Sometimes you get caught because

caught sometimes

↓

you couldn't slip your wife her pill last night,

night pill slip wife

↓

you couldn't slip your wife her pill last night,

night pill slip wife

↓

so you had to feed her one of your special homemade brownies.

brownies feed homemade special

↓

so you had to feed her one of your special homemade brownies.

brownies feed homemade special

↓

- What's that? - Oh, that?

↓

That's a tiny marshmallow with writing on it.

marshmallow tiny writing

↓

That's a tiny marshmallow with writing on it.

marshmallow tiny writing

↓

Still, if you don't panic, you can get away with it.

panic

↓

Just... doing some inventory... sir.

inventory

↓

Just... doing some inventory... sir.

inventory

↓

That's why I'm glad you work here, sweetheart.

glad sweetheart

↓

Come on, guys. Who put you up to this?

↓

As for me, I caught my culprit

caught culprit

↓

As for me, I caught my culprit

caught culprit

↓

because he made the classic mistake

classic mistake

↓

of returning to the scene of the crime.

crime returning scene

↓

of returning to the scene of the crime.

crime returning scene

↓

All because I, too,

↓

had been eating Turk's special homemade brownies.

brownies eating homemade special turks

↓

had been eating Turk's special homemade brownies.

brownies eating homemade special turks

↓

Angie, my buddy down in the lab just told me that your urinalysis

angie buddy urinalysis

↓

Angie, my buddy down in the lab just told me that your urinalysis

angie buddy urinalysis

↓

came back positive for the birth control pill.

birth birth-control control pill positive

↓

So, I will be taking one of... these.

↓

So, I will be taking one of... these.

↓

- Thank you! - Damn it!

↓

- Thank you! - Damn it!

↓

Keith, look at me.

keith

↓

Keith, look at me.

keith

↓

Did he specifically tell you to disregard my orders?

orders specifically

↓

Oh, what the hell.

↓

I was doing this and mouthing "I'll kill you,"

kill mouthing

↓

I was doing this and mouthing "I'll kill you,"

kill mouthing

↓

which I will if you don't get out of here. Go on, get.

↓

which I will if you don't get out of here. Go on, get.

↓

I saw it first.

↓

I saw it first.

↓

Long day.

↓

Long day.

↓

Newbie, I did tell them to ignore you and let Mr Kellerman get worse.

ignore kellerman newbie worse

↓

And you wanna know something?

↓

And you wanna know something?

↓

I'd do it again.

↓

- Bye, Elliot. - Look...

elliot

↓

I know, I agreed to have a baby, but you were offering sex at the time.

agreed baby offering

↓

I would have agreed to anything!

agreed

↓

I would have agreed to anything!

agreed

↓

Carla, no.

carla

↓

No! She knows I can't eat without my strawberry milk.

knows milk strawberry

↓

No! She knows I can't eat without my strawberry milk.

knows milk strawberry

↓

You should've let her fork me!

fork shouldve

↓

You should've let her fork me!

fork shouldve

↓

I think that's how you got into trouble

trouble

↓

in the first place! What's up!

place

↓

in the first place! What's up!

place

↓

Euphemism five!

five

↓

His vocabulary's gotten so much better!

gotten

↓

His vocabulary's gotten so much better!

gotten

↓

- Elliot Why are you here?

elliot

↓

- I have to make Kelso think I still work here

kelso

↓

- I have to make Kelso think I still work here

kelso

↓

so he doesn't have me arrested

arrested

↓

for stealing medical supplies.

medical stealing supplies

↓

By the by, what would you have done if you couldn't give Carla the pill?

carla pill

↓

By the by, what would you have done if you couldn't give Carla the pill?

carla pill

↓

- I'd have faked it.

faked

↓

- I'd have faked it.

faked

↓

- Guys can't fake it.

fake

↓

Really? Does this sound familiar?

familiar sound

↓

"Oh, oh baby, we're going all night. No, wait, don't move!

baby night

↓

"Oh, oh baby, we're going all night. No, wait, don't move!

baby night

↓

- "Sorry."

↓

- "Sorry."

↓

- Way too familiar.

familiar

↓

- Hey. - Thank you.

↓

Know what I've been doing?

↓

I mean, besides listening to my Alanis Morissette CD

alanis alanis-morissette besides listening morissette

↓

to get pumped up to talk to you? Here.

pumped

↓

to get pumped up to talk to you? Here.

pumped

↓

- Yep. - I've been thinking about

thinking

↓

how completely ridiculous it is that you would take Mr Kellerman's

completely completely-ridiculous ridiculous

↓

how completely ridiculous it is that you would take Mr Kellerman's

completely completely-ridiculous ridiculous

↓

life into your hands

hands life

↓

- without talking to him. - Well, I did talk to him.

↓

- without talking to him. - Well, I did talk to him.

↓

He did.

↓

Patients who stay low on the heart transplant list die waiting for one.

heart heart-transplant heart-transplant-list list patients transplant transplant-list waiting

↓

Patients who stay low on the heart transplant list die waiting for one.

heart heart-transplant heart-transplant-list list patients transplant transplant-list waiting

↓

This way, he moves up to the top of the list. Come on..

list moves

↓

- Then why didn't you tell me?

↓

- Because You're an attending now.

attending

↓

And that doesn't just mean a fat bank account, expensive new toys

account bank bank-account expensive toys

↓

And that doesn't just mean a fat bank account, expensive new toys

account bank bank-account expensive toys

↓

and a fancy lawyer on retainer for when you kill a prostitute.

fancy kill lawyer prostitute retainer

↓

and a fancy lawyer on retainer for when you kill a prostitute.

fancy kill lawyer prostitute retainer

↓

From now on, the buck stops with you.

buck stops

↓

And I know that you have occasionally bent the rules in this dump

bent dump occasionally rules

↓

And I know that you have occasionally bent the rules in this dump

bent dump occasionally rules

↓

over the last couple of years but, you only did it because you knew

couple years

↓

over the last couple of years but, you only did it because you knew

couple years

↓

when the crap started raining down,

raining started

↓

it was damn sure gonna fall on my head.

fall head

↓

it was damn sure gonna fall on my head.

fall head

↓

But now, the only way for you to stay out of the trouble storm

storm trouble

↓

is for you to go by the book. And I got news for you on that front:

book front news

↓

is for you to go by the book. And I got news for you on that front:

book front news

↓

By-the-book attendings kill us up here.

attendings book kill

↓

By-the-book attendings kill us up here.

attendings book kill

↓

Look here, I couldn't tell you about Kellerman 'cause I don't know

kellerman

↓

Look here, I couldn't tell you about Kellerman 'cause I don't know

kellerman

↓

what type of attending you're gonna be.

attending type

↓

Allow me to thank you for giving me the opportunity to prove myself.

allow giving opportunity prove

↓

Allow me to thank you for giving me the opportunity to prove myself.

allow giving opportunity prove

↓

You know what? This is my last one. Here, take it.

↓

You know what? This is my last one. Here, take it.

↓

Whatever happens to this poor guy is on you.

happens poor

↓

Whatever happens to this poor guy is on you.

happens poor

↓

The next morning was not good.

morning

↓

Carla was not talking to Turk,

carla turk

↓

Carla was not talking to Turk,

carla turk

↓

Elliot had dropped by to help not talk to Turk

dropped elliot turk

↓

and I was sneaking out in my undies

sneaking undies

↓

and I was sneaking out in my undies

sneaking undies

↓

because my clothes were downstairs in the dryer.

clothes downstairs dryer

↓

because my clothes were downstairs in the dryer.

clothes downstairs dryer

↓

- J. D? - Morning, friends!

friends morning

↓

Who's ready for some java?

java ready

↓

- Are you wearing boxers? - Yes, I am, Carla,

boxers carla wearing

↓

because I know when Turk's sad, he likes me to come over in my boxers,

boxers likes turks

↓

because I know when Turk's sad, he likes me to come over in my boxers,

boxers likes turks

↓

because he likes to call me his "honky Adonis."

honky likes

↓

because he likes to call me his "honky Adonis."

honky likes

↓

And that's what friends do.

friends

↓

They bought it? Are we that gay?

bought

↓

They bought it? Are we that gay?

bought

↓

- What's that? - Oh, that's my new driving sock.

driving sock

↓

- What's that? - Oh, that's my new driving sock.

driving sock

↓

You can borrow.

borrow

↓

Actually, J.D.'s been living here secretly.

living secretly

↓

- Turk, why? - Because I Gotta those damn

turk

↓

- Turk, why? - Because I Gotta those damn

turk

↓

judgmental eyes off me!

eyes judgmental

↓

J.D. Didn't want to live here, I begged him.

begged live

↓

J.D. Didn't want to live here, I begged him.

begged live

↓

- Is that true? - I didn't say that.

↓

- J.D. Can do my voice. - Hey, It's getting good!

voice

↓

- J.D. Can do my voice. - Hey, It's getting good!

voice

↓

Well, thank you! I lost it.

lost

↓

Oh, you three are ridiculous.

ridiculous three

↓

Oh, you three are ridiculous.

ridiculous three

↓

Hey, I'm just here to grab a ride to work.

grab ride

↓

At a hospital where you don't actually work! And you?

hospital

↓

At a hospital where you don't actually work! And you?

hospital

↓

How am I supposed to tell you I'm not be ready to have a baby

baby ready supposed

↓

How am I supposed to tell you I'm not be ready to have a baby

baby ready supposed

↓

when you're so excited?

excited

↓

And you secretly moving back in here?

moving secretly

↓

And you secretly moving back in here?

moving secretly

↓

Now, I really don't love being den mother to you three...

love mother three

↓

Now, I really don't love being den mother to you three...

love mother three

↓

Fine, It's like crack to me.

crack

↓

Still, let me ask you something. Why are you three so afraid of moving on?

afraid moving three

↓

Still, let me ask you something. Why are you three so afraid of moving on?

afraid moving three

↓

Dude, you're still eating those brownies!

brownies eating

↓

I don't wanna get pregnant! Shoot.

pregnant shoot

↓

I don't wanna get pregnant! Shoot.

pregnant shoot

↓

So, you're going to the university for a transplant!

transplant university

↓

So, you're going to the university for a transplant!

transplant university

↓

Well, come back and see us, OK?

↓

Well, come back and see us, OK?

↓

Who the hell is responsible for not treating that man?

responsible treating

↓

Well, Bobbo I was going to treat him, but I lost my stethoscope,

bobbo lost stethoscope treat

↓

Well, Bobbo I was going to treat him, but I lost my stethoscope,

bobbo lost stethoscope treat

↓

and that's...

↓

He's my patient, Bob!

patient

↓

He's my patient, Bob!

patient

↓

I'm responsible.

responsible

↓

Dr Dorian, I have kept my mouth shut

dorian mouth

↓

about all the recent sexual harassment complaints

complaints harassment recent sexual sexual-harassment

↓

about all the recent sexual harassment complaints

complaints harassment recent sexual sexual-harassment

↓

because I don't think it's fair to punish a man for making small talk,

fair punish

↓

because I don't think it's fair to punish a man for making small talk,

fair punish

↓

or, say, asking his secretary just once to dress up as a geisha girl

asking dress girl secretary

↓

or, say, asking his secretary just once to dress up as a geisha girl

asking dress girl secretary

↓

- and call him Kelso-san... - What?

kelso

↓

Nothing. But now I need to know,

↓

Nothing. But now I need to know,

↓

is this the type of attending you're going to be?

attending type

↓

is this the type of attending you're going to be?

attending type

↓

- I guess so.

↓

- Anything else?

↓

- Anything else?

↓

I could tell him there's nothing in my cup and I'm pretending to drink

drink pretending

↓

to seem nonchalant... No.

↓

to seem nonchalant... No.

↓

... but I was thinking about what Carla said about moving on.

carla moving thinking

↓

... but I was thinking about what Carla said about moving on.

carla moving thinking

↓

And I wasn't the only one.

↓

Well, at least there's one attending around here I can count on.

attending count least

↓

Well, at least there's one attending around here I can count on.

attending count least

↓

Ahh, The hell with it, Bob. I don't work here! Have a good one.

↓

Ahh, The hell with it, Bob. I don't work here! Have a good one.

↓

- I hate this place.

hate place

↓

- It hates you, Bob.

hates

↓

- It hates you, Bob.

hates

↓

That's it. All my birth control pills are gone.

birth birth-control birth-control-pills control control-pills gone pills

↓

That's it. All my birth control pills are gone.

birth birth-control birth-control-pills control control-pills gone pills

↓

Not exactly.

↓

That Fig Newton you're about to eat

↓

is not only fat-free, but it's baby-free.

baby free

↓

is not only fat-free, but it's baby-free.

baby free

↓

I just don't get it, Turk.

turk

↓

I just don't get it, Turk.

turk

↓

Look, we had sex 20 times in eight days,

days eight eight-days times

↓

and I bet it's because you sensed my hesitance.

↓

and I bet it's because you sensed my hesitance.

↓

- I just want a baby so badly.

baby badly

↓

- Why?

↓

What's it gonna be like having a baby?

baby having

↓

Dr Cox says it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk.

having learns slowly

↓

Dr Cox says it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk.

having learns slowly

↓

Awesome!

awesome

↓

Right? And I come from a big family, and I love that.

family love

↓

Right? And I come from a big family, and I love that.

family love

↓

Me too!

↓

And every time we sit at the kitchen table, I feel like someone's missing.

kitchen kitchen-table missing someones table

↓

And every time we sit at the kitchen table, I feel like someone's missing.

kitchen kitchen-table missing someones table

↓

I can see him.

↓

- J.D! - Gotta make a quick twosie.

quick

↓

- J.D! - Gotta make a quick twosie.

quick

↓

This explains a lot.

explains

↓

Hey! Meet your volleyball team.

meet team volleyball volleyball-team

↓

They're terrible.

↓

They're terrible.

↓

Newbie! I heard your voice.

heard newbie voice

↓

(MOUTHS WORDS)

mouths mouths-words words

↓

(MOUTHS WORDS)

mouths mouths-words words

↓

Thanks for nothin', ass-face.

face nothin thanks

↓

Thanks for nothin', ass-face.

face nothin thanks

↓

I'm gonna go ahead

ahead go-ahead

↓

and give you back one of these man cards.

cards

↓

and give you back one of these man cards.

cards

↓

You deserve it.

deserve

↓

Wow. Wanna hug?

↓

You held on to it as long as you could.

held

↓

You held on to it as long as you could.

held

↓

I'm gonna have a good year, aren't I?

↓

Anything can happen.

happen

↓

Anything can happen.

happen

↓

And I knew he was right...

↓

Excuse me. (SCREAMS)

excuse screams

↓

Excuse me. (SCREAMS)

excuse screams

↓

... for all of us.

↓

... for all of us.

↓

Dr Reid, are you joining us for lunch today?

joining lunch lunch-today reid today

↓

Dr Reid, are you joining us for lunch today?

joining lunch lunch-today reid today

↓

Anyone want half a tofu-cheese sandwich?

cheese half sandwich tofu

↓

Anyone want half a tofu-cheese sandwich?

cheese half sandwich tofu

↓

Repeat after me:

repeat

↓

Repeat after me:

repeat

↓

Boy, boy, boy, very tall boy.

tall

↓

Boy, boy, boy, very tall boy.

tall

↓

- Boy, boy... - Boy, boy...

↓

...very tall boy. ...very tall boy.

tall

↓

...very tall boy. ...very tall boy.

tall

↓

Good night, Keith.

keith night

↓

Hey, keep your head up, you're doing a good job.

head

↓

Hey, keep your head up, you're doing a good job.

head

↓

Thanks for everything, Dr Dorian.

dorian thanks

↓

Thanks for everything, Dr Dorian.

dorian thanks

↓

Who am I?

↓

Captions edited by Ai-media ai-media.tv

captions captions-edited edited media

↓

Captions edited by Ai-media ai-media.tv

captions captions-edited edited media