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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S03E09 — Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person
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Season 3, Episode 9 — Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person
MAC: Dee's bringing another boyfriend?
#1
⇓
DENNIS: She won't shut up about this one. He's a local rapper.
#2
⇓
- He's like some hotshot rapper. - What's his name?
#3
⇓
- Lil' Jeff. Lil' Joe. - It's was Jonathan, Little Michael.
#4
⇓
- Lil' Kev? - Lil' Kev.
#5
⇓
Shit. I've heard about him. He's a local celebrity.
#6
⇓
- He's the next Eminem. - What is he?
#7
⇓
- Like a small guy or little guy? - No, probably not.
#8
⇓
I think it's just a rapper thing. Lil' Kim.
#9
⇓
You never know though. He could have a little hand
#10
⇓
or a little foot or something. - I doubt he'd want
#11
⇓
to call attention to that by calling himself Lil' Kev.
#12
⇓
- Biggie Smalls was fat. - Yeah. He was big and small.
#13
⇓
His head was small, but his body was big.
#14
⇓
So this guy could have a little hand and a giant body.
#15
⇓
What's up, hos? I'd like you to meet somebody.
#16
⇓
Kevin, these are the clowns I work with.
#17
⇓
This your crew, baby?
#18
⇓
Girl, you silly. They ain't no clowns. What up, fellas?
#19
⇓
- What's up, man? - Hey, man. How's it going?
#20
⇓
I got to get back to the studio, but I'll holler at you later, okay?
#21
⇓
- Yo, later, fellas. - See ya, man.
#22
⇓
Boom. Yep, you're seein' it.
#23
⇓
Dee, does that guy have a little hand?
#24
⇓
Charlie, I was gonna say his foot looks small.
#25
⇓
CHARLIE: Nah. It's possible. The shoes were the same size,
#26
⇓
but his hand was like... (grunts)
#27
⇓
He doesn't have a little hand or a little foot.
#28
⇓
- Did that guy go to Waldron? - I don't know.
#29
⇓
- Is his name Kevin Gallagher? - Yes.
#30
⇓
- No, that guy's retarded. - You're retarded.
#31
⇓
He is an actual retarded person. We went to elementary school together.
#32
⇓
He used to take classes outside school. He rode the short bus.
#33
⇓
Whatever. You think I wouldn't know if the guy I'm dating is retarded?
#34
⇓
There is no way I am dating a retarded person.
#35
⇓
But he's so tough and popular and famous.
#36
⇓
- He's a successful musician. - Jesus, sweetie.
#37
⇓
- The guy might be retarded. - Yeah, but he might not be.
#38
⇓
Plus, he gives me things. Did you guys see this necklace?
#39
⇓
It's got diamonds in it. I gotta think about this.
#40
⇓
Come take a look at my elementary school yearbook sometime, Dee.
#41
⇓
- He's retarded. - I'm getting an idea.
#42
⇓
- Charlie, follow me on this one. - Okay.
#43
⇓
Retarded or not... Clearly there's something off about that guy.
#44
⇓
- That guy's very messed up. - No, I'm saying he's retarded.
#45
⇓
Yeah, whatever. But he's an up-and-coming musician.
#46
⇓
I mean, he's really building a following in this city.
#47
⇓
- He's like the next Eminem. - He's supposed to be big.
#48
⇓
Okay. So, if he can do it, why can't we?
#49
⇓
I can't argue that logic, man. What are you suggesting?
#50
⇓
I'm thinking we start a band. Holy shit. Yeah!
#51
⇓
- Yeah? Let's do it! - We're in a band!
#52
⇓
I've always wanted to be a rock god. If he's getting chicks...
#53
⇓
- Why are you "ooh, ooh-ing" me? - You're not in it.
#54
⇓
Why am I not in it? I have a great voice.
#55
⇓
You do have a great voice. You have an excellent voice.
#56
⇓
But the problem is you're into all that early '80s glam rock fem shit,
#57
⇓
and it's not the artistic direction I want to take the band in.
#58
⇓
Artistic direction? You guys don't even play instruments.
#59
⇓
That doesn't matter, does it?
#60
⇓
Because it's all about rocking and looking cool and kicking ass.
#61
⇓
I think he's right. It's all about image and marketing.
#62
⇓
There's no bands out there with any musical ability.
#63
⇓
Frank, I like the way you think. You're in the band.
#64
⇓
(stammering)
#65
⇓
- Dude, don't overreact about it. - Frank, get out that checkbook.
#66
⇓
You're gonna buy us some instruments.
#67
⇓
Yeah, brother. That's a hot guitar.
#68
⇓
You got graphite reinforced neck, 35-inch scale, two humbuckers...
#69
⇓
Move over six inches.
#70
⇓
Yeah.
#71
⇓
- So I was saying... - Shut up.
#72
⇓
Soak it in.
#73
⇓
So I was saying, graphite reinforced neck,
#74
⇓
35-inch scale... - That's the one.
#75
⇓
(music) (blues)
#76
⇓
- Check it out. It's like a weapon. - Cool, bro.
#77
⇓
Holy shit. Where did you learn how to play like that?
#78
⇓
Keyboards just make sense to me. I get 'em, you know?
#79
⇓
Charlie, you're amazing. You're gonna be our ace in the hole.
#80
⇓
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
#81
⇓
Any way that I can be in the back of the stage
#82
⇓
or behind some kind of curtain? - Why?
#83
⇓
- Can I bare my soul to you? - Of course, buddy.
#84
⇓
This is huge for me. I've always wanted to do this.
#85
⇓
This is a big deal. I've just always been afraid
#86
⇓
that people are gonna boo me or they're gonna hate me.
#87
⇓
It's why I've never pursued my dreams. So, if that happens,
#88
⇓
t's gonna crush me, I'm gonna crumble,
#89
⇓
I'm gonna fall to pieces, I'm gonna scream.
#90
⇓
- You're not listening. - Totally.
#91
⇓
Dude, I think we should do a Sex Pistols thing, right?
#92
⇓
Where I'm Sid Vicious and you're Johnny Rotten.
#93
⇓
- I'm Simon and you're Garfunkel. - No. You're Axl. I'm Slash.
#94
⇓
No. I'm Holland Oates. You're Peter Gabriel.
#95
⇓
Hall and Oates is two separate people.
#96
⇓
No. Holland is his first name and Oates is his last name, dude.
#97
⇓
Whatever, dude. I just wanna kick ass.
#98
⇓
- You with that bald guy? - Yeah.
#99
⇓
Get him out of here or I'm calling the cops.
#100
⇓
(music) (random banging)
#101
⇓
I'm taking these.
#102
⇓
There he is. Good old Special K. He is drooling on himself.
#103
⇓
So what? He's seven in this yearbook.
#104
⇓
If I'm gonna break up with this guy, I need some proof.
#105
⇓
Dee, you're free to date whoever you want, okay?
#106
⇓
You should know whether or not you're gold-digging a retarded guy.
#107
⇓
Number one, I'm not gold-digging anybody. I really like this guy.
#108
⇓
And second of all, this doesn't prove that he's retarded.
#109
⇓
- You want proof? - I want proof.
#110
⇓
- When are you seeing him next? - I'm picking him up in an hour.
#111
⇓
- You're picking him up? - He doesn't drive.
#112
⇓
That's funny, 'cause people who aren't retarded usually drive.
#113
⇓
Retarded one. Normal zero.
#114
⇓
Not bad, Dennis. Nice neighborhood. Owns his own house. Three stories.
#115
⇓
Looks like it's retarded one, normal one.
#116
⇓
Yes?
#117
⇓
Hi. I think we have the wrong address.
#118
⇓
- Are you Dee? - Yeah. Who are you?
#119
⇓
I'm Kevin's mom. Come on in.
#120
⇓
Lives with his mom. I think I'll be taking that point back.
#121
⇓
Kevin's in his room. Go on up if you like.
#122
⇓
Thank you, Mrs. Gallagher. You must be very proud of your son.
#123
⇓
- He has overcome difficult odds. - Yes, he has.
#124
⇓
- You're talking about the rapping. - Excuse me?
#125
⇓
Those odds, you're talking about his rapping career.
#126
⇓
- I guess. - Mrs. Gallagher,
#127
⇓
would you describe your son as a "special" guy?
#128
⇓
- No, you can't do that. - Why can't I do that?
#129
⇓
Because he's her son. Of course he's special. That's an easy yes.
#130
⇓
- You think he's special, right? - Yes.
#131
⇓
- That means nothing to me. - That means a whole lot.
#132
⇓
Retarded three, normal zero.
#133
⇓
Hold on. How come you got that point? That was my point.
#134
⇓
- Retarded two, normal one. - She practically came out
#135
⇓
and told us he was retarded. Retarded four, normal zero.
#136
⇓
Where'd four come from? It's definitely not four.
#137
⇓
There's the driving, the drooling in the yearbook,
#138
⇓
the overcoming the odds, the living with the mom
#139
⇓
and now the special thing. It's not four. It's five.
#140
⇓
Are you the point king? It's retarded three, normal one.
#141
⇓
There's so much more retarded stuff that...
#142
⇓
What's up?
#143
⇓
- Hey! - You brought your crew, baby.
#144
⇓
This is my brother, Dennis, and he's gonna give us a ride.
#145
⇓
- Snap! What up, son? - Hey.
#146
⇓
I didn't know we were doing all that.
#147
⇓
I gotta grab a couple of things. Be ready to "riz-zoll".
#148
⇓
That's retard strength if I've ever seen it.
#149
⇓
Shut your mouth.
#150
⇓
(music) (cacophony)
#151
⇓
Go!
#152
⇓
Go! Go!
#153
⇓
All right, stop! Stop! Why are you not singing?
#154
⇓
It doesn't sound very good. (chuckles)
#155
⇓
- Then huff some glue, bro. - I've been huffing glue, guys.
#156
⇓
- Then growl into the microphone. - No. This is...
#157
⇓
I don't even wanna growl. I'm not a growler.
#158
⇓
- Band meeting! - We need to have a band meeting!
#159
⇓
Hold on a minute!
#160
⇓
We're sittin' around here practicin' like a bunch of pansies!
#161
⇓
We should be out gettin' wasted and breakin' shit!
#162
⇓
Frank's absolutely right. How can we be rock stars
#163
⇓
f we're not living like rock stars?
#164
⇓
If we live like rock stars, the music will come!
#165
⇓
Stop, dude! What are you doing?
#166
⇓
- That's my good chair. - That's your good chair?
#167
⇓
- Yeah. - It's covered in bird shit.
#168
⇓
- No. That's toothpaste, man. - That's clearly bird shit.
#169
⇓
- No, it's not. It's toothpaste. - Do you even own a toothbrush?
#170
⇓
- Don't break my chair. - Oh, my God!
#171
⇓
Wait a minute. Charlie is right.
#172
⇓
We should not be breaking our own shit.
#173
⇓
We should be out there breaking other people's shit.
#174
⇓
That's rock and roll.
#175
⇓
(shouting) Yeah!
#176
⇓
That's what I'm talking about! You feeling better, Charlie?
#177
⇓
Keep smashing things, guys! It's a ripple effect!
#178
⇓
How'd you guys get a hotel room without putting a credit card down?
#179
⇓
We did use a credit card. I took it out of your wallet.
#180
⇓
(lamp shatters) Wait.
#181
⇓
- My credit card's at the desk? - Yeah.
#182
⇓
We're smashing up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk?
#183
⇓
Why would you do that?
#184
⇓
They don't let you book a hotel room without putting down a credit card.
#185
⇓
What year do you think it is? (chuckling)
#186
⇓
We gotta put this stuff back together again.
#187
⇓
- Charlie, you gotta get the glue. - Glue is for huffing, dude.
#188
⇓
- Get me the glue! - It's a part of his process.
#189
⇓
This is not rock and roll!
#190
⇓
(music) (orchestral) (Kevin laughing)
#191
⇓
This shit is funny! You like this movie?
#192
⇓
- Your shirt's on backwards. - What?
#193
⇓
Snap! It is.
#194
⇓
Look! (laughing)
#195
⇓
(laughing continues)
#196
⇓
We need to break up.
#197
⇓
(music) (ends)
#198
⇓
Yes, sir. Yes, sir!
#199
⇓
- Where's your suit? - I'm not wearing the suit, Frank,
#200
⇓
because it's lame, and you look like a pussy.
#201
⇓
That defeats the whole purpose. The idea is to trick the moms
#202
⇓
nto letting the kids bop with us.
#203
⇓
It's not the '50s anymore, Frank. The kids aren't bopping anymore.
#204
⇓
They're banging each other and doing meth before they hit grade school.
#205
⇓
- Can I pick the name of the band? - What do you got?
#206
⇓
- The Pecan Sandies. - Isn't that a cookie?
#207
⇓
Yeah, it's a cookie, but it's got another meaning.
#208
⇓
- What's the other meaning? - What?
#209
⇓
Other than a cookie, what's the other meaning?
#210
⇓
- It's a sexual meaning. - No, we are not the Pecan Sandies.
#211
⇓
We are Chemical Toilet. Because chicks want guys
#212
⇓
that wear tight pants and tattered clothing and spit blood,
#213
⇓
not guys dressed like waiters who name themselves after desserts.
#214
⇓
- We are Chemical Toilet. Charlie! - Porta-potty.
#215
⇓
- How's that song coming? CHARLIE: I'll be out in a second.
#216
⇓
And, Frank, who the hell is this guy?
#217
⇓
FRANK: That's Ernie. He works for beer. He looks a little tangled up.
#218
⇓
Does he know anything about hooking up that electrical equipment?
#219
⇓
- No. - Okay, I'm ready to rock.
#220
⇓
- And who are you supposed to be? - Bob Dylan. Check this out.
#221
⇓
- It's a page from a coloring book? - No, dude. That's "Night Man".
#222
⇓
Those are lyrics.
#223
⇓
- Whatever. Let's just rock. - "Night Man", baby.
#224
⇓
- This is what I'm talking about. - Let's rock and roll!
#225
⇓
All right.
#226
⇓
- Where's my curtain? - You're not gonna need it.
#227
⇓
- I want a curtain blocking my face. - You don't need it.
#228
⇓
- Go have a beer, Ernie. - Okay.
#229
⇓
All right. Ready?
#230
⇓
Five, six, seven, eight.
#231
⇓
#Night Man Sneaky and mean
#232
⇓
#Spider inside my dreams I think I love you
#233
⇓
#You make me wanna cry You make me wanna die
#234
⇓
#I love you, I love you I love you, Night Man
#235
⇓
#Every night you come into my room And pin me down
#236
⇓
#With your strong arms You pin me down
#237
⇓
#And I try to fight you You come inside me#
#238
⇓
- Charlie! - Charlie, hold on a second.
#239
⇓
The first half was kinda cool, but what's with the second half?
#240
⇓
It's about the Night Man, filling me up and I become him.
#241
⇓
I become the spirit of the Night Man.
#242
⇓
It's a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.
#243
⇓
What? Where are you getting that from? No.
#244
⇓
#It's just two men Sharing the night
#245
⇓
#It might seem wrong But it's just right
#246
⇓
#It's just two men Sharing each other
#247
⇓
#It's just two men Like lovin' brothers
#248
⇓
#One on top And one on bottom
#249
⇓
#One inside And one is out
#250
⇓
#One is screamin' He's so happy
#251
⇓
#The other's screamin' A passionate shout
#252
⇓
#It's the Night Man
#253
⇓
#They're feeling so wrong And right, man
#254
⇓
#They're feeling so wrong And right, man
#255
⇓
#I can't fight you, man When you come inside me
#256
⇓
#And pin me down With your strong hands
#257
⇓
#And I become the Night
#258
⇓
#The passionate Passionate Night Man#
#259
⇓
- We need a new front man. - Someone with a good voice.
#260
⇓
- Yes. - Who's attractive.
#261
⇓
- Yes. - Someone with charisma.
#262
⇓
- Yes. - I've got a lot of reading to do.
#263
⇓
Do you wanna be in the band or not, dude?
#264
⇓
- Can I wear spandex? - I'd rather you didn't.
#265
⇓
I think I'm gonna wear spandex.
#266
⇓
MAC: Are you ready? FRANK: Yeah.
#267
⇓
- What if I did something like this? - Let me see.
#268
⇓
I give a kick, but then I'm gonna stomp down.
#269
⇓
Like...
#270
⇓
That's good. Every time I stomp, you do that. That's good.
#271
⇓
Man... Really?
#272
⇓
Come on, dude. What's with the sash and the codpiece?
#273
⇓
Don't be afraid of a little sex appeal, Mac.
#274
⇓
- You look like a drag queen. - I look like a rock god.
#275
⇓
Here's the song.
#276
⇓
What the hell is this, a page from a coloring book?
#277
⇓
It's a song that Charlie wrote. It's called "Night Man".
#278
⇓
Skip the raping parts and get on stage.
#279
⇓
- Very well. - I just broke up with Kevin.
#280
⇓
- We're trying to practice. - I can't get it out of my head.
#281
⇓
I don't know if he's retarded, but I can't stop thinking about it.
#282
⇓
Dee, we're trying to have band practice here.
#283
⇓
I was gonna ride this guy to the top.
#284
⇓
He was gonna put me in one of his rap videos.
#285
⇓
The guy's not retarded, okay?
#286
⇓
- What? - I said that to mess with you.
#287
⇓
Why? Why would you do something like that?
#288
⇓
- I thought it'd be funny. - It's not funny.
#289
⇓
This guy's perfect, and you've blown it and ruined everything.
#290
⇓
You are a bad, bad person.
#291
⇓
- Ew. - All right. Ready, guys?
#292
⇓
- So, that guy's not retarded? - No, he's totally retarded.
#293
⇓
- All right, let's rock. - Five, six, seven, eight.
#294
⇓
(music) (vocalizing) (cacophony)
#295
⇓
(music) (continues)
#296
⇓
(music) (minor chords)
#297
⇓
#They took you, Night Man And you don't belong to them
#298
⇓
#They locked me in A world of darkness
#299
⇓
#Without your sexy hands
#300
⇓
#And I miss you, Night Man So bad#
#301
⇓
(grunts) (air hissing)
#302
⇓
Stupid, can't write... (inhales)
#303
⇓
Charlie?
#304
⇓
- Let's join forces. - Hello! Come right in.
#305
⇓
- I will. - What happened to your band?
#306
⇓
- Kicked me out. (laughs) - It hurts, doesn't it?
#307
⇓
- What's with the curtains? - I'm living in a world of darkness.
#308
⇓
Right. Let's get some light in here.
#309
⇓
(groans) (shudders)
#310
⇓
What's with the spray paint, man?
#311
⇓
What's with your outfit, man?
#312
⇓
- Let's put the curtains back up. - No.
#313
⇓
- What is going on up here? - I never know, man.
#314
⇓
(music) (upbeat)
#315
⇓
- Daylight. - I like that.
#316
⇓
#Day Man#
#317
⇓
Day Man.
#318
⇓
#Fighter of the Night Man
#319
⇓
#Champion of the
#320
⇓
- #Sun - #Sun
#321
⇓
#You're a master of karate
#322
⇓
#And friendship for everyone
#323
⇓
- #Day Man# That's it! - #Day Man#
#324
⇓
- #Fighter of the Night Man - #Ah
#325
⇓
#Champion of the sun Ah#
#326
⇓
Do you want some? No.
#327
⇓
#You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone
#328
⇓
#Day Man Ah#
#329
⇓
Nice. We'll get the...
#330
⇓
#Fighter of the Night Man Ah
#331
⇓
#Champion of the sun#
#332
⇓
(music) (synth chords)
#333
⇓
DENNIS: Ladies and gentlemen, we are Electric Dream Machine.
#334
⇓
Prepare to experience sexual magic.
#335
⇓
(music) ("Day Man")
#336
⇓
#Day Man Ah
#337
⇓
#Fighter of the Night Man Ah
#338
⇓
#Champion of the sun# MAN: Gay!
#339
⇓
#Ah You're a master of karate
#340
⇓
#And friendship for everyone#
#341
⇓
- Get off the stage! - #Day Man#
#342
⇓
- Come on. - Rock it.
#343
⇓
#Day Man# (booing)
#344
⇓
#Ah# Come on! Come on!
#345
⇓
- Why are you booing? - #Of the Night Man#
#346
⇓
- It's good! Why are you... - #Ah#
#347
⇓
(screaming) (booing continues)
#348
⇓
Screw you guys. Goddamn it, Charlie.
#349
⇓
(cheering) I'm so glad we worked out.
#350
⇓
I'm sorry I was all wishy-washy before.
#351
⇓
Yeah, girl. You was more mixed-up than a milk shake.
#352
⇓
It's my brother's fault though. You're not gonna believe this.
#353
⇓
He tried to convince me that you were retarded. What?
#354
⇓
What? That's bananas, girl.
#355
⇓
You're not retarded, are you?
#356
⇓
All right, Paddy's! You ready to rock?
#357
⇓
(music) (banging)
#358
⇓
Yeah! No? Yeah!
#359
⇓
(cheering) What up, Paddy's? Make some noise!
#360
⇓
Get off. Get off the stage, idiot. Come on, idiot. Come on. Let's go.
#361
⇓
- Come on. - Okay.
#362
⇓
Bust a little freestyle for you.
#363
⇓
This one's for my girl, Dee. This one's for you, baby. Word!
#364
⇓
#Let me tell y'all a story 'Bout a girl I knew
#365
⇓
#A broke-ass bitch With a gay-ass crew
#366
⇓
#She said that I was cute She said that I was funny
#367
⇓
#But the honey couldn't stop Lookin' at my money
#368
⇓
#Busted old lady With a flat tiny ass
#369
⇓
#Her body like a skeleton In science class
#370
⇓
#Face beat up by The school of hard knocks
#371
⇓
#Hair so fried and bleached By Clorox
#372
⇓
#It's like she's skinny but fat In all the wrong places
#373
⇓
#Mothers gotta cover Their babies' faces
#374
⇓
#When she walks by People think she's Godzilla
#375
⇓
#Straight out of Compton No, y'all straight outta "Thriller"
#376
⇓
#Looking like a zombie Walking like a chicken
#377
⇓
#Mouth full of shit That's why her breath be stinkin'
#378
⇓
#Just one question, Dee Before you take your bow
#379
⇓
#This gravy train's leavin' So who's retarded now#
#380
⇓
(cheering)
#381
⇓
Hey. Ladies.
#382
⇓
Later, bitch.
#383
⇓
I don't think he's retarded.
#384
⇓
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