Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E08 — Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 8 — Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire

FRANK: Goddamn, I'm bored!

#1

⇓

- Come on. Let's do something. DENNIS: We're a little busy, Frank.

#2

⇓

- What the hell are you reading? - "In Touch".

#3

⇓

In Touch? Why would you read that crap?

#4

⇓

We're trying to stay "in touch" with what's happening.

#5

⇓

Sorry if we like to keep ourselves informed.

#6

⇓

Wanna be informed? Read a newspaper.

#7

⇓

Dude! Nobody gets their news from a newspaper anymore.

#8

⇓

No, no, no. But, Dennis, look. "Plutonium smuggled into Syria."

#9

⇓

(gasps) That's gonna change my life drastically.

#10

⇓

Everyone's lives! No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation!

#11

⇓

Don't you get tired of doing nothin' except sitting around drinking?

#12

⇓

- What? Is that a joke? - How could you get tired of that?

#13

⇓

Hey-oh! What's up, bitches? What is up?

#14

⇓

Turn the TV on right now, dude! This is huge! Turn the TV on!

#15

⇓

- I'm gonna be on the news! - Oh, my God.

#16

⇓

There was an accident. The news talker asked Mac what happened.

#17

⇓

- He totally went off! - I went off for 20 minutes.

#18

⇓

- It was amazing. I totally popped. - You did. You're gonna be famous.

#19

⇓

Shut up! Shut up!

#20

⇓

This is Ken Jacobs coming to you from Market Street

#21

⇓

where two buses collided just minutes ago.

#22

⇓

We talked to one local resident who had this to say.

#23

⇓

It was absolutely crazy.

#24

⇓

Police are currently investigating the cause of the accident.

#25

⇓

Back to you, Jim.

#26

⇓

What the hell was that?

#27

⇓

- You really popped. - I think you're gonna be a star.

#28

⇓

A big star. Be in a magazine.

#29

⇓

I talked for 20 minutes about how the traffic system sucks.

#30

⇓

And that we should only have yellow lights

#31

⇓

because then we can be very cautious but not get stuck in traffic.

#32

⇓

That sounds incredibly dangerous and stupid.

#33

⇓

The point is that bastard newscaster just went there and cut it all up

#34

⇓

just to make his corporate bosses happy, which is bullshit.

#35

⇓

- Nobody's getting real news! - That's not real news.

#36

⇓

Remember when we made the news for 8th grade for social studies?

#37

⇓

- That was real news. - We didn't distort facts!

#38

⇓

- We told it like it was. - Yes!

#39

⇓

I remember that video.

#40

⇓

You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

#41

⇓

- That was what was happening! - That's what was going on!

#42

⇓

That was the truth.

#43

⇓

We'd been throwing rocks at cats for years, Dennis.

#44

⇓

We had been! And that's what we were reporting on.

#45

⇓

- We can make better news. - We could.

#46

⇓

- Want me to grab my camera? - Yes. Just like the old days.

#47

⇓

Let's go out there. Let's make some news.

#48

⇓

I want in on this action because I am bored to death sitting here.

#49

⇓

That's a bad idea. Usually when you get involved, somebody gets hurt.

#50

⇓

That's ridiculous. I'm just palling around with the guys.

#51

⇓

How's anybody gonna get hurt?

#52

⇓

- How much more tape? - I don't want it to jiggle around.

#53

⇓

I don't want to put any more tape. I'm the one carrying it.

#54

⇓

What are you guys doing?

#55

⇓

I've put a light on the front of the camera.

#56

⇓

It makes the news talker look brighter.

#57

⇓

- It looked fine when we did it. - Frank's got a good idea here.

#58

⇓

We're gonna put this stuff on public access TV.

#59

⇓

- Anybody can get on that! - Yeah.

#60

⇓

What? Nobody watches that shit!

#61

⇓

Dude, there's all sorts of great stuff on public access.

#62

⇓

Is there? Well, let's see what kind of quality programming we have here.

#63

⇓

(techno music)

#64

⇓

- What is this? - This is public access.

#65

⇓

DENNIS: God, that is so strange. DEE: Ew.

#66

⇓

MAC: Should I turn it off? - No! Well, don't jump to...

#67

⇓

- Keep it on for a little bit. - Let's watch it for a little while.

#68

⇓

Do it. (laughs)

#69

⇓

- Get after it. - Yeah, yeah.

#70

⇓

FRANK: Let's turn it off! Turn it off! Shut it off!

#71

⇓

Okay. We're gonna go down to the power plant

#72

⇓

and talk about how it's giving the whole city cancer.

#73

⇓

- Holy shit! I didn't know that! - He's making it up, Charlie.

#74

⇓

- Why would you do that? - That's a great story!

#75

⇓

It scares the shit out of everybody. Everybody will be terrified.

#76

⇓

We don't want to just scare people.

#77

⇓

We want to blow the lid off of real scandals.

#78

⇓

- Expose real crime and corruption. - What?

#79

⇓

People don't care about that shit.

#80

⇓

They want glitz, glamour, celebrities.

#81

⇓

They wanna read shit that helps them forget how miserable they are.

#82

⇓

Pretend to know what it's like to be famous

#83

⇓

'cause that's what everybody wants.

#84

⇓

Everybody wants to be famous 'cause celebrities get everything.

#85

⇓

Easiest job in the world.

#86

⇓

You don't even have to do anything anymore to be famous.

#87

⇓

No. Look at Paris Hilton. She's just a dirty, drunken whore.

#88

⇓

You could be famous, you're a dirty, drunk whore already.

#89

⇓

I'm not. But I could be famous if I just got drunk, went out to a club,

#90

⇓

let people shoot some video with their fancy camera phones.

#91

⇓

Right. Get a couple of up skirts, a couple nip slips.

#92

⇓

Boom. You'd be famous like that.

#93

⇓

I'd like to avoid the nip slips and up skirts,

#94

⇓

but I see where you're going with it.

#95

⇓

I'll talk you into it at some point.

#96

⇓

I could be famous by being friends with you.

#97

⇓

- Absolutely. - Great. Good luck with that.

#98

⇓

Frank, Charlie and I are gonna go to where the real action is.

#99

⇓

Boom!

#100

⇓

FRANK: Why'd you drag us to a place like this?

#101

⇓

It smells like the bottom of a birdcage.

#102

⇓

Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes, Frank, okay?

#103

⇓

- These places are like prisons. - Like people getting ass-raped?

#104

⇓

- What? Oh, my God, dude. - Not like people getting ass-raped.

#105

⇓

People don't want to be here because they feel...

#106

⇓

Because they're getting ass-raped.

#107

⇓

- Nobody's getting ass-raped, Frank! - Stop saying "ass-raped."

#108

⇓

We're locked and loaded. I'm ready to shoot this thing.

#109

⇓

- Let's talk to this woman. - Let's go. Come on. Let's move.

#110

⇓

I'm gonna do, like, a catchphrase thing.

#111

⇓

- Here we go. - Ready? In, three, two, one.

#112

⇓

Good afternoon, Philadelphia.

#113

⇓

This is Mac coming to you live from the Malvin Retirement Home.

#114

⇓

- Go, go, go, go. - Hello, miss. What's your name?

#115

⇓

- Irvene Simon. - Hello, Irvene.

#116

⇓

Why don't you tell us what's really going on here?

#117

⇓

- Cool face. Hold it. Hold it. - Well, I get up around 5:00.

#118

⇓

5:30, if it's bingo the night before.

#119

⇓

Then I eat breakfast. I like to have fruit.

#120

⇓

- She steals the grapes! - I do not!

#121

⇓

Check her purse!

#122

⇓

I think we've covered breakfast. Let's move past it.

#123

⇓

- Good save. - Then after breakfast,

#124

⇓

I like to sit and read recipes.

#125

⇓

I don't even know how to cook. (laughs)

#126

⇓

Is there anything that you want to tell the world, Irvene?

#127

⇓

My grandson's birthday's on Friday.

#128

⇓

No, no. Is there anything about this place that you don't like?

#129

⇓

- The blacks. - Cut!

#130

⇓

Cut! Cut that!

#131

⇓

What are you cutting for? That was starting to get good.

#132

⇓

It was not good. It was the ramblings of a crazy, old racist.

#133

⇓

- Is it hot in here? - I meant to bring this up.

#134

⇓

How are you sweating so much? It's freezing!

#135

⇓

- It's freezing! - They try to keep them alive.

#136

⇓

- Meat spoils slower in a fridge. - So they keep it cold.

#137

⇓

- That interview was terrible. - It was terrible.

#138

⇓

- We need a more exciting truth. - We do. Yeah.

#139

⇓

Let's set this place on fire. Let's burn it to the ground!

#140

⇓

We're not setting a nursing home on fire!

#141

⇓

Those curtains would go up like a snap.

#142

⇓

We need to find a more exciting part of the city.

#143

⇓

Wait a second. I know just the place.

#144

⇓

CHARLIE: The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys!

#145

⇓

Okay, okay. Quick conference, guys.

#146

⇓

Everyone keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right?

#147

⇓

People here love to... Look at this guy.

#148

⇓

He's definitely a drifter.

#149

⇓

He's going to his car and he's gonna slide it sideways.

#150

⇓

And you know what happens with Tokyo drifting?

#151

⇓

- It leads to bickering. - They always bicker.

#152

⇓

Which, of course, leads to karate.

#153

⇓

Which eventually will lead to dudes flying from window to window

#154

⇓

and treetop to treetop.

#155

⇓

Shooting lightning bolts out of their fingers.

#156

⇓

There's the guy that shoots lightning bolts out of his hands!

#157

⇓

He wears the big, straw hat. And he does that.

#158

⇓

His eyes go all white and shit. And Kurt Russell fights him.

#159

⇓

(speaking Chinese)

#160

⇓

Oh, my God, dude. The smell is overwhelming.

#161

⇓

What the hell are these guys doing?

#162

⇓

They're just trading fish for other fish is what it looks like.

#163

⇓

They're not even bickering. This isn't gonna lead to karate.

#164

⇓

We gotta find one sick guy and do a story about a new pandemic.

#165

⇓

- No one cares about that, Frank. - This guy looks sick.

#166

⇓

That's the same fish they just passed to each other.

#167

⇓

Like bird flu, fish flu.

#168

⇓

We gotta get 'em to fight. They just passed the same fish back and forth.

#169

⇓

You think we could get 'em to fight?

#170

⇓

Here we go. What's that?

#171

⇓

MAC: That looks exciting. FRANK: Let's go.

#172

⇓

- It's a bunch of people. Let's go. - Charlie, fire up that camera.

#173

⇓

I'm doing it. (all shouting)

#174

⇓

Can you see sweat? I'm sweating a little bit.

#175

⇓

CHARLIE: So much.

#176

⇓

- Yeah? Okay. What if I do... - That's better. Go.

#177

⇓

Good afternoon, Philadelphia. We're here in Chinatown,

#178

⇓

where a large crowd gathered for what can be a martial arts showdown.

#179

⇓

- You look scared. - I'm sorry. I'm sweating. It's hot.

#180

⇓

- Martial arts. - Martial arts expo... Just go in.

#181

⇓

(shouting continues)

#182

⇓

(all gasp)

#183

⇓

(paddle hitting ball sounds)

#184

⇓

- Goddamn it! MAN ON TV: Love-30.

#185

⇓

(coughs)

#186

⇓

- A pandemic. - Bird flu! Bird flu!

#187

⇓

- I think he's choking, guys. - What? He is choking!

#188

⇓

- Frank, give him the Heimlich! - I'm not gonna touch him.

#189

⇓

- I don't know what he's got. - Do you know the Heimlich?

#190

⇓

I don't! Punch him in the stomach or something.

#191

⇓

Okay. (all gasp)

#192

⇓

- Oh, baby! - I did it?

#193

⇓

- You okay? - I did it!

#194

⇓

I saved your life! I saved your life, bitch! Whoo! Yeah!

#195

⇓

That is exactly the kind of stuff we should be filming.

#196

⇓

- I'm a hero! - You got that, right, Charlie?

#197

⇓

Yeah. I did and I didn't, Frank.

#198

⇓

- What? - I did and I didn't.

#199

⇓

You were pointing the camera at him, right?

#200

⇓

You got it, right? The punch and everything, right?

#201

⇓

I did point the camera at it. But I did not put a tape in here.

#202

⇓

- What? - What are you talking about?

#203

⇓

The problem was that I got the flashlight on.

#204

⇓

And I taped the whole deal up.

#205

⇓

I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in.

#206

⇓

I didn't have much more duct tape.

#207

⇓

So I figured, stick with the flashlight while we got it.

#208

⇓

So you never put a tape in?

#209

⇓

While we were out there taping the guys with the fish!

#210

⇓

Oh, my God! See what's happening? We're getting a yelling...

#211

⇓

- Yeah, we're gonna get yelling! - Oh, I'm sorry!

#212

⇓

I forgot to put a tape in! I forgot to put a tape in!

#213

⇓

All right, all right, all right! All right.

#214

⇓

Here's what we do. We re-create your heroic moment.

#215

⇓

That's it. We do it again.

#216

⇓

- We just re-create it? BOTH: Yes!

#217

⇓

This time we put a tape in. Take the light off of it maybe.

#218

⇓

Maybe we don't sweat so much. Maybe we'll wear more makeup.

#219

⇓

Don't blame it on my sweat glands. That's not fair.

#220

⇓

We'll re-create the whole thing. And you know, you can...

#221

⇓

And this time I could look a little bit more heroic.

#222

⇓

You could look a lot more heroic, bro.

#223

⇓

We'll put enough makeup on you. You'll look like the shit.

#224

⇓

- Let's just make some news, please. - All right.

#225

⇓

(chattering)

#226

⇓

(slurring) Ooh! I feel like we've been standing in this line forever!

#227

⇓

(slurring) Ooh! I feel like we've been standing in this line forever!

#227

⇓

For like our lifetimes! I don't know if we're ever gonna get inside.

#228

⇓

For like our lifetimes! I don't know if we're ever gonna get inside.

#228

⇓

Dee, it's a club. You have to wait in a line.

#229

⇓

Dee, it's a club. You have to wait in a line.

#229

⇓

I gotta be honest. I feel like I'm just a bit too drunk to stand up.

#230

⇓

I gotta be honest. I feel like I'm just a bit too drunk to stand up.

#230

⇓

You were supposed to get drunk inside the club, not outside.

#231

⇓

You were supposed to get drunk inside the club, not outside.

#231

⇓

Nobody gives a shit about a stupid, drunk whore outside of a club.

#232

⇓

Nobody gives a shit about a stupid, drunk whore outside of a club.

#232

⇓

That's a lot of talking you're doing. I gotta lay down.

#233

⇓

That's a lot of talking you're doing. I gotta lay down.

#233

⇓

Lie down? What are you talking about? What are you doing? Dee? Oh!

#234

⇓

Lie down? What are you talking about? What are you doing? Dee? Oh!

#234

⇓

(laughing) Now you're some stupid, drunk chick lying in garbage.

#235

⇓

(laughing) Now you're some stupid, drunk chick lying in garbage.

#235

⇓

- Night-night. - "Night-night"? Night-night. Great.

#236

⇓

- Night-night. - "Night-night"? Night-night. Great.

#236

⇓

You want to come in with us?

#237

⇓

You want to come in with us?

#237

⇓

Uh, yeah.

#238

⇓

Uh, yeah.

#238

⇓

- Here, take this. - What is this?

#239

⇓

- Here, take this. - What is this?

#239

⇓

(laughs) You'll see.

#240

⇓

(laughs) You'll see.

#240

⇓

(disco music)

#241

⇓

(disco music)

#241

⇓

Oh! Oh, my God!

#242

⇓

Oh! Oh, my God!

#242

⇓

Holy shit, it's bright out here!

#243

⇓

Holy shit, it's bright out here!

#243

⇓

(music)

#244

⇓

(music)

#244

⇓

- Dee, get up. Get up! Come on! - What?

#245

⇓

- Dee, get up. Get up! Come on! - What?

#245

⇓

- Where am I? - I'm crashing pretty hard.

#246

⇓

- Where am I? - I'm crashing pretty hard.

#246

⇓

- I need to go home and sleep. - What happened last night?

#247

⇓

- I need to go home and sleep. - What happened last night?

#247

⇓

Don't make me into the bad guy.

#248

⇓

I'm going out of my way to make us both famous.

#249

⇓

It's not my fault if you're not living up to your end.

#250

⇓

Okay. Well, why don't you take my picture now?

#251

⇓

Dee, that's not gonna work, okay? You're not famous yet.

#252

⇓

You're just some stupid, drunk chick who slept in her own puke.

#253

⇓

We'll come back tonight. Come on. Ride's leaving.

#254

⇓

Can...

#255

⇓

No, come on. I'm not gonna stand in this big line again.

#256

⇓

We don't have to wait in line.

#257

⇓

Famous, drunk whores, they don't wait in line.

#258

⇓

They shove their way to the front and shit all over the bouncer.

#259

⇓

Don't know if I feel comfortable taking a shit on that bouncer.

#260

⇓

You gotta talk down to him. Make him feel like he's beneath you.

#261

⇓

That way, he'd be too afraid not to let you in. Right?

#262

⇓

- He doesn't want to lose his job. - I don't know.

#263

⇓

Dee, do you want to be famous or not?

#264

⇓

- Take a shit on this guy. - Okay.

#265

⇓

- Shove your way. - I can shit on him, I think.

#266

⇓

Hey, look out. Jesus, you're in my way!

#267

⇓

- Move it! Move it! Hey! - Good start.

#268

⇓

Short stuff, out of my way. Yeah, you saw me. Hi, there.

#269

⇓

- What's your name? - Dee Reynolds.

#270

⇓

- You on the list? - List?

#271

⇓

I don't need to be on that list, you idiot.

#272

⇓

You piece of dirt. Who are you? I step on you.

#273

⇓

I clean you off of my shoes at night.

#274

⇓

I step on you and then I throw away the shoe.

#275

⇓

That shoe that I just threw away,

#276

⇓

that's worth more than your worthless life, mister.

#277

⇓

And I am pissed because I loved that shoe. You dirt.

#278

⇓

You piece of subhuman shit.

#279

⇓

Whoa. Dee, take it easy, all right?

#280

⇓

I'm not gonna take it easy because this talking dump of a bouncer

#281

⇓

s starting to get on my nerves.

#282

⇓

I'm gonna have you fired, dick hole.

#283

⇓

Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea?

#284

⇓

Or is your brain too tiny to have ideas?

#285

⇓

Is there any thought roaming around in that thick, shit skull of yours?

#286

⇓

You with her?

#287

⇓

- No! Nope. - What?

#288

⇓

- What is your name? - Dennis Reynolds.

#289

⇓

Dennis Reynolds?

#290

⇓

Well, what do you know, Dennis Reynolds? You're on the list.

#291

⇓

- No, no... - Wow. That's awesome.

#292

⇓

What? But you're not gonna go in without me, right?

#293

⇓

(disco music)

#294

⇓

Dancing Guy! Oh, I love your show, man.

#295

⇓

Wow, Dancing Guy!

#296

⇓

- Stop pressing so hard. - I have to press hard.

#297

⇓

You get so nervous, you sweat through it every time.

#298

⇓

- Just make sure that it's even. - I'm gonna make it even.

#299

⇓

You need to just start calming down and relaxing a little bit more.

#300

⇓

I'm very stressed out, Charlie. It's a very stressful situation.

#301

⇓

Then relax. Calm yourself a little bit.

#302

⇓

- Hey. - I'm sorry. I just...

#303

⇓

- No, come on, dude. - That's not such a...

#304

⇓

- Well, it's... - Okay? Come on, dude.

#305

⇓

#Hey, who's that sexy news guy It's Mac#

#306

⇓

- #Yes, it's Mac - It's Mac.

#307

⇓

#And he's on the channel Whatever we make it on news#

#308

⇓

(groans) Right?

#309

⇓

#We're gonna make it on the TV#

#310

⇓

All right, here it is. You go into the building.

#311

⇓

You run out. And get the kitties.

#312

⇓

With the little box of kittens, right?

#313

⇓

- And you save them. - You save them!

#314

⇓

I save them from what?

#315

⇓

- You gonna set this on fire? - No!

#316

⇓

Charlie, you gonna set this on fire?

#317

⇓

- Yes. - Goddamn it!

#318

⇓

You want the show to be a hit or what?

#319

⇓

I am not running into a burning building!

#320

⇓

It's gotta be exciting!

#321

⇓

That's what the news talkers... Come on.

#322

⇓

Well, I quit. 'Cause I can't seem to get into any of the clubs.

#323

⇓

If I can't get into any of the clubs,

#324

⇓

how the hell am I supposed to get famous?

#325

⇓

CHARLIE: Three, two, action. - Good evening, Philadelphia.

#326

⇓

We've just received word that a litter of adorable kittens

#327

⇓

is stranded somewhere inside this building

#328

⇓

that could erupt into flames at any moment!

#329

⇓

- Who will save them? CHARLIE: Good, good.

#330

⇓

- Now shoot the building now. - What? Okay.

#331

⇓

- Who will save them? - Move, dude!

#332

⇓

I know, but I'm saying... If I could get into the...

#333

⇓

Calm down, calm down, calm down, dude!

#334

⇓

So I just go grab the box of kittens and run out?

#335

⇓

Yeah. That's all there is to it. You'll be famous.

#336

⇓

- Everybody loves a hero. - Okay. Sounds easy enough.

#337

⇓

Get to it.

#338

⇓

Smells overwhelmingly like querosene in here!

#339

⇓

(explosion) (Dee screaming)

#340

⇓

I cannot believe you guys. I could've been killed!

#341

⇓

Somebody had to save those kittens.

#342

⇓

They were trapped inside a burning building, Deandra.

#343

⇓

- You set me on fire! FRANK: We set the building on fire.

#344

⇓

- You happened to catch on fire. - Barely.

#345

⇓

- Yeah, we put you out. - That's right.

#346

⇓

I'm on fire! I'm on fire!

#347

⇓

- Well, I do look really heroic. - No, you do not look heroic!

#348

⇓

- You threw the box of kittens. - I was on fire!

#349

⇓

(mocking)

#350

⇓

- We gotta shoot this shit again. - Yeah, like fire hurts.

#351

⇓

(techno music)

#352

⇓

- Hey, Dancing Guy! - That's the man.

#353

⇓

- Now this is entertainment. DEE: Oh.

#354

⇓

I can't believe... It doesn't make any sense, man.

#355

⇓

It's, like, what is he...

#356

⇓

MAN: What's the time? Diaper Time!

#357

⇓

What's the time? Diaper Time!

#358

⇓

- Whoa! - What?

#359

⇓

That is weird.

#360

⇓

MAC: They're really stepping up the insanity.

#361

⇓

FRANK: Where do they find theM? - Look at these people.

#362

⇓

Do you not find this sad and embarrassing for them?

#363

⇓

Those people are pieces of shit.

#364

⇓

But I want to watch it.

#365

⇓

- So much and so often - I want to watch it.

#366

⇓

I think we should throw parties and just sort of watch it together.

#367

⇓

- This is television at its best. - Definitely.

#368

⇓

- People love well stories. - Really?

#369

⇓

I feel like well stories are played out.

#370

⇓

- Who gets stuck in a well? - Kittens do.

#371

⇓

Kittens? You guys put those kitties in there?

#372

⇓

What else were we supposed to put down there, Dee?

#373

⇓

All right, fine. I'll do it. But don't set it on fire, okay?

#374

⇓

- This is dangerous enough. - Deandra, use your head.

#375

⇓

- How would we set a well on fire? - It's filled with water.

#376

⇓

- Get in the well! - I'm going!

#377

⇓

Save the kittens! Save the day!

#378

⇓

- Give me the matches. - Yep.

#379

⇓

DEE: I found the kittens!

#380

⇓

Oh, come on! (screams)

#381

⇓

Okay, it's all good through here.

#382

⇓

(screaming) (kittens screech)

#383

⇓

- Hey! There you go. - She throws the kittens every time.

#384

⇓

Oh, she loves to ruin and ruin and ruin and ruin.

#385

⇓

Do you guys mind keeping it down a little bit?

#386

⇓

- It's 5:00 in the afternoon. - What the hell?

#387

⇓

- I was at the club all night. - You turning into a club kid now?

#388

⇓

Oh, man. You guys should've been there, man.

#389

⇓

Everybody was there. It was so awesome.

#390

⇓

We've been trying to turn Dee into a hero

#391

⇓

by, like, getting her to rescue kittens

#392

⇓

n compromising situations.

#393

⇓

But she messes up every time!

#394

⇓

Hey, what if we set up, like, a conveyor belt situation, right?

#395

⇓

Put the cats on that. And then at the end of it, a chopping mechanism.

#396

⇓

- Oh, yeah! Let's chop cats! - Hey! This is good!

#397

⇓

- No. - Let's chop cats!

#398

⇓

We don't actually chop the cats. Dee grabs them before that.

#399

⇓

We'll chop a couple cats so that you know it's real.

#400

⇓

I don't think anybody's really gonna give a shit about a nobody

#401

⇓

saving a bunch of kittens.

#402

⇓

But a celebrity saving cats... Then you got a story.

#403

⇓

So what are you suggesting?

#404

⇓

I'm building up quite a reputation, especially in the club scene.

#405

⇓

With my connections,

#406

⇓

I could finally get Dee into some of those clubs.

#407

⇓

Once she's in those clubs, I can turn her into a celebrity.

#408

⇓

And once she's a celebrity, you guys got a story.

#409

⇓

You think she's gonna go for that?

#410

⇓

She's pissed at you for ditching her there.

#411

⇓

I don't think Dee's that desperate to get famous.

#412

⇓

Nobody's that pathetic.

#413

⇓

I can't believe how famous I'm about to be!

#414

⇓

Run off to the bathroom and cram a couple fingers down your throat.

#415

⇓

Bulimia's really big with this crowd.

#416

⇓

I just tried, but I've been throwing up all day long.

#417

⇓

I don't think I have any food left inside of me.

#418

⇓

Try harder. Because it's really important, all right?

#419

⇓

- Yeah. Okay. - If only just for show.

#420

⇓

- Dennis! Hey! - Hey!

#421

⇓

These are the girls. Don't screw this up.

#422

⇓

These girls can make or break you in this town.

#423

⇓

Hey. You look gorgeous.

#424

⇓

Hey, listen, ladies. This is my sister.

#425

⇓

Notice how disgustingly skinny she is. Isn't it weird?

#426

⇓

Oh, my God! You are like crack skinny!

#427

⇓

- Oh! Okay! - That's a compliment.

#428

⇓

- She throws up all the time. - Oh, my God. I just got done.

#429

⇓

I'm sorry if my breath stinks.

#430

⇓

Hey, Dennis, want one? Maybe not tonight, ladies.

#431

⇓

I'm kinda working on something.

#432

⇓

- Oh, come on. Don't be a loser. - Yeah!

#433

⇓

Well, all right. Yeah, maybe just one.

#434

⇓

Do you have one for my sister too?

#435

⇓

- Sure. - What is it?

#436

⇓

You'll see.

#437

⇓

Chop, chop, chop. Good! Good!

#438

⇓

The cat's dead. I don't see any problems with that

#439

⇓

other than the fact that the camera might see my hand killing the cat.

#440

⇓

We're gonna pull the cat out before it gets to the chopper.

#441

⇓

But if Sweet Dee doesn't make it in time, you're gonna see me chop it.

#442

⇓

Just don't drop the cat. I can't make that promise.

#443

⇓

- Come on. - Whoa!

#444

⇓

Where have you been? You look like shit.

#445

⇓

- I don't want to talk about that. - Did you become celebrities yet?

#446

⇓

We're not doing the celebrity thing anymore. We're done with that.

#447

⇓

No. We need you guys. 'Cause we got this great chopping mechanism.

#448

⇓

- It's for the news show. - There is no news show, Charlie!

#449

⇓

Yes, there is a news show, Dennis! We're gonna put it on public access!

#450

⇓

Nobody watches public access. I don't want to be on public access.

#451

⇓

What? (techno music on TV)

#452

⇓

- Hey! Hey, Dancing Guy's on! DEE: No, no, no, no!

#453

⇓

- Turn that off! - Hey! Dancing Guy's a great show.

#454

⇓

- Charlie. No, Charlie. - Turn it off, man. Turn it off!

#455

⇓

What's the time? Diaper Time! What's the time? Diaper Time!

#456

⇓

Congratulations, guys. You're famous.

#457

⇓

(techno continues)

#458

⇓