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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E08 — Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 8 — Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire

Air date: October 04, 2007

Director: Fred Savage

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Mac teams up with Frank and Charlie to create a public access newscast after he misses his chance at fame in the news. Meanwhile, Dennis and Dee try to make it big in the club scene.

Source: TMDB

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FRANK: Goddamn, I'm bored!

bored frank goddamn

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- Come on. Let's do something. DENNIS: We're a little busy, Frank.

busy dennis frank

↓

- What the hell are you reading? - "In Touch".

reading touch

↓

In Touch? Why would you read that crap?

read touch

↓

We're trying to stay "in touch" with what's happening.

touch

↓

Sorry if we like to keep ourselves informed.

informed

↓

Wanna be informed? Read a newspaper.

informed newspaper read

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Dude! Nobody gets their news from a newspaper anymore.

anymore news newspaper nobody

↓

No, no, no. But, Dennis, look. "Plutonium smuggled into Syria."

dennis smuggled

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(gasps) That's gonna change my life drastically.

change gasps life

↓

Everyone's lives! No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation!

anymore everyones lives vacation

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Don't you get tired of doing nothin' except sitting around drinking?

drinking except nothin sitting tired

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- What? Is that a joke? - How could you get tired of that?

joke tired

↓

Hey-oh! What's up, bitches? What is up?

bitches

↓

Turn the TV on right now, dude! This is huge! Turn the TV on!

huge

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- I'm gonna be on the news! - Oh, my God.

news

↓

There was an accident. The news talker asked Mac what happened.

accident asked happened news talker

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- He totally went off! - I went off for 20 minutes.

minutes

↓

- It was amazing. I totally popped. - You did. You're gonna be famous.

amazing famous popped

↓

Shut up! Shut up!

↓

This is Ken Jacobs coming to you from Market Street

coming market street

↓

where two buses collided just minutes ago.

buses minutes

↓

We talked to one local resident who had this to say.

local resident talked

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It was absolutely crazy.

absolutely crazy

↓

Police are currently investigating the cause of the accident.

accident currently investigating police

↓

Back to you, Jim.

↓

What the hell was that?

↓

- You really popped. - I think you're gonna be a star.

popped star

↓

A big star. Be in a magazine.

magazine star

↓

I talked for 20 minutes about how the traffic system sucks.

minutes sucks system talked traffic

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And that we should only have yellow lights

lights yellow

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because then we can be very cautious but not get stuck in traffic.

cautious stuck traffic

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That sounds incredibly dangerous and stupid.

dangerous incredibly sounds stupid

↓

The point is that bastard newscaster just went there and cut it all up

bastard newscaster point

↓

just to make his corporate bosses happy, which is bullshit.

bosses bullshit corporate happy

↓

- Nobody's getting real news! - That's not real news.

news nobodys real

↓

Remember when we made the news for 8th grade for social studies?

grade news remember social studies

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- That was real news. - We didn't distort facts!

facts news real

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- We told it like it was. - Yes!

↓

I remember that video.

remember video

↓

You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

burning cats joes rocks throwing

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- That was what was happening! - That's what was going on!

↓

That was the truth.

truth

↓

We'd been throwing rocks at cats for years, Dennis.

cats dennis rocks throwing years

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We had been! And that's what we were reporting on.

reporting

↓

- We can make better news. - We could.

news

↓

- Want me to grab my camera? - Yes. Just like the old days.

camera days grab

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Let's go out there. Let's make some news.

news

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I want in on this action because I am bored to death sitting here.

action bored death sitting

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That's a bad idea. Usually when you get involved, somebody gets hurt.

hurt idea involved somebody usually

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That's ridiculous. I'm just palling around with the guys.

palling ridiculous

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How's anybody gonna get hurt?

anybody hurt

↓

- How much more tape? - I don't want it to jiggle around.

jiggle tape

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I don't want to put any more tape. I'm the one carrying it.

carrying tape

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What are you guys doing?

↓

I've put a light on the front of the camera.

camera front light

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It makes the news talker look brighter.

brighter makes news talker

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- It looked fine when we did it. - Frank's got a good idea here.

franks idea looked

↓

We're gonna put this stuff on public access TV.

access public public-access stuff

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- Anybody can get on that! - Yeah.

anybody

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What? Nobody watches that shit!

nobody watches

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Dude, there's all sorts of great stuff on public access.

access public public-access sorts stuff

↓

Is there? Well, let's see what kind of quality programming we have here.

programming quality

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(techno music)

music techno techno-music

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- What is this? - This is public access.

access public public-access

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DENNIS: God, that is so strange. DEE: Ew.

dennis strange

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MAC: Should I turn it off? - No! Well, don't jump to...

jump

↓

- Keep it on for a little bit. - Let's watch it for a little while.

watch

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Do it. (laughs)

laughs

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- Get after it. - Yeah, yeah.

↓

FRANK: Let's turn it off! Turn it off! Shut it off!

frank

↓

Okay. We're gonna go down to the power plant

plant power power-plant

↓

and talk about how it's giving the whole city cancer.

cancer city giving whole whole-city

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- Holy shit! I didn't know that! - He's making it up, Charlie.

charlie holy

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- Why would you do that? - That's a great story!

story

↓

It scares the shit out of everybody. Everybody will be terrified.

everybody everybody-everybody scares terrified

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We don't want to just scare people.

scare

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We want to blow the lid off of real scandals.

blow real

↓

- Expose real crime and corruption. - What?

corruption crime expose real

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People don't care about that shit.

care

↓

They want glitz, glamour, celebrities.

celebrities glamour

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They wanna read shit that helps them forget how miserable they are.

forget helps miserable read

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Pretend to know what it's like to be famous

famous pretend

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'cause that's what everybody wants.

everybody everybody-wants wants

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Everybody wants to be famous 'cause celebrities get everything.

celebrities everybody everybody-wants famous wants

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Easiest job in the world.

easiest world

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You don't even have to do anything anymore to be famous.

anymore famous

↓

No. Look at Paris Hilton. She's just a dirty, drunken whore.

dirty drunken paris whore

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You could be famous, you're a dirty, drunk whore already.

dirty drunk famous whore

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I'm not. But I could be famous if I just got drunk, went out to a club,

club drunk famous

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let people shoot some video with their fancy camera phones.

camera fancy phones shoot video

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Right. Get a couple of up skirts, a couple nip slips.

couple slips

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Boom. You'd be famous like that.

boom famous

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I'd like to avoid the nip slips and up skirts,

avoid slips

↓

but I see where you're going with it.

↓

I'll talk you into it at some point.

point

↓

I could be famous by being friends with you.

famous friends

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- Absolutely. - Great. Good luck with that.

absolutely luck

↓

Frank, Charlie and I are gonna go to where the real action is.

action charlie frank real

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Boom!

boom

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FRANK: Why'd you drag us to a place like this?

drag frank place whyd

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It smells like the bottom of a birdcage.

bottom smells

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Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes, Frank, okay?

frank homes lots nursing shady

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- These places are like prisons. - Like people getting ass-raped?

places prisons raped

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- What? Oh, my God, dude. - Not like people getting ass-raped.

raped

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People don't want to be here because they feel...

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Because they're getting ass-raped.

raped

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- Nobody's getting ass-raped, Frank! - Stop saying "ass-raped."

frank nobodys raped

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We're locked and loaded. I'm ready to shoot this thing.

loaded locked ready shoot

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- Let's talk to this woman. - Let's go. Come on. Let's move.

woman

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I'm gonna do, like, a catchphrase thing.

catchphrase

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- Here we go. - Ready? In, three, two, one.

ready three

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Good afternoon, Philadelphia.

afternoon philadelphia

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This is Mac coming to you live from the Malvin Retirement Home.

coming home live retirement retirement-home

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- Go, go, go, go. - Hello, miss. What's your name?

miss name

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- Irvene Simon. - Hello, Irvene.

simon

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Why don't you tell us what's really going on here?

↓

- Cool face. Hold it. Hold it. - Well, I get up around 5:00.

cool face

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5:30, if it's bingo the night before.

bingo night

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Then I eat breakfast. I like to have fruit.

breakfast fruit

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- She steals the grapes! - I do not!

grapes steals

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Check her purse!

check purse

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I think we've covered breakfast. Let's move past it.

breakfast covered past

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- Good save. - Then after breakfast,

breakfast save

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I like to sit and read recipes.

read

↓

I don't even know how to cook. (laughs)

cook laughs

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Is there anything that you want to tell the world, Irvene?

world

↓

My grandson's birthday's on Friday.

birthdays friday

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No, no. Is there anything about this place that you don't like?

place

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- The blacks. - Cut!

blacks

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Cut! Cut that!

↓

What are you cutting for? That was starting to get good.

cutting starting

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It was not good. It was the ramblings of a crazy, old racist.

crazy racist

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- Is it hot in here? - I meant to bring this up.

bring meant

↓

How are you sweating so much? It's freezing!

freezing sweating

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- It's freezing! - They try to keep them alive.

alive freezing

↓

- Meat spoils slower in a fridge. - So they keep it cold.

cold fridge meat slower

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- That interview was terrible. - It was terrible.

interview

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- We need a more exciting truth. - We do. Yeah.

exciting truth

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Let's set this place on fire. Let's burn it to the ground!

burn fire ground place

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We're not setting a nursing home on fire!

fire home nursing nursing-home setting

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Those curtains would go up like a snap.

curtains snap

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We need to find a more exciting part of the city.

city exciting part

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Wait a second. I know just the place.

place second

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CHARLIE: The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys!

boys charlie chinatown shits

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Okay, okay. Quick conference, guys.

conference quick

↓

Everyone keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right?

drifting eyes peeled

↓

People here love to... Look at this guy.

love

↓

He's definitely a drifter.

↓

He's going to his car and he's gonna slide it sideways.

sideways slide

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And you know what happens with Tokyo drifting?

drifting happens tokyo

↓

- It leads to bickering. - They always bicker.

bickering leads

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Which, of course, leads to karate.

course karate leads

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Which eventually will lead to dudes flying from window to window

dudes eventually flying lead window

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and treetop to treetop.

↓

Shooting lightning bolts out of their fingers.

bolts fingers lightning shooting

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There's the guy that shoots lightning bolts out of his hands!

bolts hands lightning shoots

↓

He wears the big, straw hat. And he does that.

straw wears

↓

His eyes go all white and shit. And Kurt Russell fights him.

eyes fights kurt kurt-russell russell white

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(speaking Chinese)

chinese speaking

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Oh, my God, dude. The smell is overwhelming.

overwhelming smell

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What the hell are these guys doing?

↓

They're just trading fish for other fish is what it looks like.

fish trading

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They're not even bickering. This isn't gonna lead to karate.

bickering karate lead

↓

We gotta find one sick guy and do a story about a new pandemic.

pandemic sick story

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- No one cares about that, Frank. - This guy looks sick.

cares frank sick

↓

That's the same fish they just passed to each other.

fish passed

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Like bird flu, fish flu.

bird fish

↓

We gotta get 'em to fight. They just passed the same fish back and forth.

fight fish forth passed

↓

You think we could get 'em to fight?

fight

↓

Here we go. What's that?

↓

MAC: That looks exciting. FRANK: Let's go.

exciting frank

↓

- It's a bunch of people. Let's go. - Charlie, fire up that camera.

bunch camera charlie fire

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I'm doing it. (all shouting)

shouting

↓

Can you see sweat? I'm sweating a little bit.

sweat sweating

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- Yeah? Okay. What if I do... - That's better. Go.

↓

Good afternoon, Philadelphia. We're here in Chinatown,

afternoon chinatown philadelphia

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where a large crowd gathered for what can be a martial arts showdown.

arts crowd gathered martial martial-arts showdown

↓

- You look scared. - I'm sorry. I'm sweating. It's hot.

scared sweating

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- Martial arts. - Martial arts expo... Just go in.

arts expo martial martial-arts

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(shouting continues)

continues shouting shouting-continues

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(all gasp)

gasp

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(paddle hitting ball sounds)

ball hitting paddle sounds

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(coughs)

coughs

↓

- A pandemic. - Bird flu! Bird flu!

bird pandemic

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- I think he's choking, guys. - What? He is choking!

choking

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- Frank, give him the Heimlich! - I'm not gonna touch him.

frank touch

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- I don't know what he's got. - Do you know the Heimlich?

↓

I don't! Punch him in the stomach or something.

punch stomach

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Okay. (all gasp)

gasp

↓

- Oh, baby! - I did it?

baby

↓

- You okay? - I did it!

↓

I saved your life! I saved your life, bitch! Whoo! Yeah!

bitch life saved whoo

↓

That is exactly the kind of stuff we should be filming.

filming stuff

↓

- I'm a hero! - You got that, right, Charlie?

charlie hero

↓

Yeah. I did and I didn't, Frank.

frank

↓

- What? - I did and I didn't.

↓

You were pointing the camera at him, right?

camera pointing

↓

You got it, right? The punch and everything, right?

punch

↓

I did point the camera at it. But I did not put a tape in here.

camera point tape

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- What? - What are you talking about?

↓

The problem was that I got the flashlight on.

flashlight problem

↓

And I taped the whole deal up.

deal taped whole

↓

I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in.

realized tape

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I didn't have much more duct tape.

duct duct-tape tape

↓

So I figured, stick with the flashlight while we got it.

figured flashlight stick

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So you never put a tape in?

tape

↓

While we were out there taping the guys with the fish!

fish taping

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Oh, my God! See what's happening? We're getting a yelling...

yelling

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- Yeah, we're gonna get yelling! - Oh, I'm sorry!

yelling

↓

I forgot to put a tape in! I forgot to put a tape in!

forgot tape

↓

All right, all right, all right! All right.

↓

Here's what we do. We re-create your heroic moment.

create heroic moment

↓

That's it. We do it again.

↓

- We just re-create it? BOTH: Yes!

create

↓

This time we put a tape in. Take the light off of it maybe.

light tape

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Maybe we don't sweat so much. Maybe we'll wear more makeup.

makeup sweat wear

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Don't blame it on my sweat glands. That's not fair.

blame fair glands sweat

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We'll re-create the whole thing. And you know, you can...

create whole

↓

And this time I could look a little bit more heroic.

heroic

↓

You could look a lot more heroic, bro.

heroic

↓

We'll put enough makeup on you. You'll look like the shit.

makeup

↓

- Let's just make some news, please. - All right.

news

↓

(chattering)

chattering

↓

(slurring) Ooh! I feel like we've been standing in this line forever!

forever line slurring standing

↓

For like our lifetimes! I don't know if we're ever gonna get inside.

↓

Dee, it's a club. You have to wait in a line.

club line

↓

I gotta be honest. I feel like I'm just a bit too drunk to stand up.

drunk honest stand

↓

You were supposed to get drunk inside the club, not outside.

club drunk supposed

↓

Nobody gives a shit about a stupid, drunk whore outside of a club.

club drunk gives nobody nobody-gives stupid whore

↓

That's a lot of talking you're doing. I gotta lay down.

↓

Lie down? What are you talking about? What are you doing? Dee? Oh!

↓

(laughing) Now you're some stupid, drunk chick lying in garbage.

chick drunk garbage laughing lying stupid

↓

- Night-night. - "Night-night"? Night-night. Great.

night night-night

↓

You want to come in with us?

↓

Uh, yeah.

↓

- Here, take this. - What is this?

↓

(laughs) You'll see.

laughs

↓

(disco music)

disco disco-music music

↓

Oh! Oh, my God!

↓

Holy shit, it's bright out here!

bright holy

↓

(music)

music

↓

- Dee, get up. Get up! Come on! - What?

↓

- Where am I? - I'm crashing pretty hard.

crashing hard

↓

- I need to go home and sleep. - What happened last night?

happened home night sleep

↓

Don't make me into the bad guy.

↓

I'm going out of my way to make us both famous.

famous

↓

It's not my fault if you're not living up to your end.

fault living

↓

Okay. Well, why don't you take my picture now?

picture

↓

Dee, that's not gonna work, okay? You're not famous yet.

famous

↓

You're just some stupid, drunk chick who slept in her own puke.

chick drunk puke slept stupid

↓

We'll come back tonight. Come on. Ride's leaving.

leaving rides tonight

↓

Can...

↓

No, come on. I'm not gonna stand in this big line again.

line stand

↓

We don't have to wait in line.

line

↓

Famous, drunk whores, they don't wait in line.

drunk famous line whores

↓

They shove their way to the front and shit all over the bouncer.

bouncer front shove

↓

Don't know if I feel comfortable taking a shit on that bouncer.

bouncer comfortable

↓

You gotta talk down to him. Make him feel like he's beneath you.

beneath

↓

That way, he'd be too afraid not to let you in. Right?

afraid

↓

- He doesn't want to lose his job. - I don't know.

lose

↓

Dee, do you want to be famous or not?

famous

↓

- Take a shit on this guy. - Okay.

↓

- Shove your way. - I can shit on him, I think.

shove

↓

Hey, look out. Jesus, you're in my way!

jesus

↓

- Move it! Move it! Hey! - Good start.

start

↓

Short stuff, out of my way. Yeah, you saw me. Hi, there.

short stuff

↓

- What's your name? - Dee Reynolds.

name reynolds

↓

- You on the list? - List?

list

↓

I don't need to be on that list, you idiot.

idiot list

↓

You piece of dirt. Who are you? I step on you.

dirt piece step

↓

I clean you off of my shoes at night.

clean night shoes

↓

I step on you and then I throw away the shoe.

shoe step throw

↓

That shoe that I just threw away,

shoe threw

↓

that's worth more than your worthless life, mister.

life mister worth worthless

↓

And I am pissed because I loved that shoe. You dirt.

dirt loved pissed shoe

↓

You piece of subhuman shit.

piece

↓

Whoa. Dee, take it easy, all right?

easy whoa

↓

I'm not gonna take it easy because this talking dump of a bouncer

bouncer dump easy

↓

s starting to get on my nerves.

nerves starting

↓

I'm gonna have you fired, dick hole.

dick dick-hole fired hole

↓

Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea?

idea

↓

Or is your brain too tiny to have ideas?

brain ideas tiny

↓

Is there any thought roaming around in that thick, shit skull of yours?

roaming skull thick

↓

You with her?

↓

- No! Nope. - What?

nope

↓

- What is your name? - Dennis Reynolds.

dennis dennis-reynolds name reynolds

↓

Dennis Reynolds?

dennis dennis-reynolds reynolds

↓

Well, what do you know, Dennis Reynolds? You're on the list.

dennis dennis-reynolds list reynolds

↓

- No, no... - Wow. That's awesome.

awesome

↓

What? But you're not gonna go in without me, right?

↓

(disco music)

disco disco-music music

↓

Dancing Guy! Oh, I love your show, man.

dancing love

↓

Wow, Dancing Guy!

dancing

↓

- Stop pressing so hard. - I have to press hard.

hard press pressing

↓

You get so nervous, you sweat through it every time.

nervous sweat

↓

- Just make sure that it's even. - I'm gonna make it even.

↓

You need to just start calming down and relaxing a little bit more.

calming relaxing start

↓

I'm very stressed out, Charlie. It's a very stressful situation.

charlie situation stressed stressful

↓

Then relax. Calm yourself a little bit.

calm relax

↓

- Hey. - I'm sorry. I just...

↓

- No, come on, dude. - That's not such a...

↓

- Well, it's... - Okay? Come on, dude.

↓

#Hey, who's that sexy news guy It's Mac#

news sexy

↓

- #Yes, it's Mac - It's Mac.

↓

#And he's on the channel Whatever we make it on news#

channel news

↓

(groans) Right?

groans

↓

#We're gonna make it on the TV#

↓

All right, here it is. You go into the building.

building

↓

You run out. And get the kitties.

↓

With the little box of kittens, right?

kittens

↓

- And you save them. - You save them!

save

↓

I save them from what?

save

↓

- You gonna set this on fire? - No!

fire

↓

Charlie, you gonna set this on fire?

charlie fire

↓

- Yes. - Goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

You want the show to be a hit or what?

↓

I am not running into a burning building!

building burning running

↓

It's gotta be exciting!

exciting

↓

That's what the news talkers... Come on.

news

↓

Well, I quit. 'Cause I can't seem to get into any of the clubs.

clubs quit

↓

If I can't get into any of the clubs,

clubs

↓

how the hell am I supposed to get famous?

famous supposed

↓

CHARLIE: Three, two, action. - Good evening, Philadelphia.

action charlie evening philadelphia three

↓

We've just received word that a litter of adorable kittens

adorable kittens litter received received-word word

↓

is stranded somewhere inside this building

building stranded

↓

that could erupt into flames at any moment!

erupt flames moment

↓

- Now shoot the building now. - What? Okay.

building shoot

↓

- Who will save them? - Move, dude!

save

↓

I know, but I'm saying... If I could get into the...

↓

Calm down, calm down, calm down, dude!

calm

↓

So I just go grab the box of kittens and run out?

grab kittens

↓

Yeah. That's all there is to it. You'll be famous.

famous

↓

- Everybody loves a hero. - Okay. Sounds easy enough.

easy everybody everybody-loves hero loves sounds

↓

Get to it.

↓

Smells overwhelmingly like querosene in here!

smells

↓

(explosion) (Dee screaming)

explosion screaming

↓

I cannot believe you guys. I could've been killed!

believe cannot cannot-believe couldve killed

↓

Somebody had to save those kittens.

kittens save somebody

↓

They were trapped inside a burning building, Deandra.

building burning deandra trapped

↓

- You set me on fire! FRANK: We set the building on fire.

building fire frank

↓

- You happened to catch on fire. - Barely.

barely catch fire happened

↓

- Yeah, we put you out. - That's right.

↓

I'm on fire! I'm on fire!

fire

↓

- Well, I do look really heroic. - No, you do not look heroic!

heroic

↓

- You threw the box of kittens. - I was on fire!

fire kittens threw

↓

(mocking)

mocking

↓

- We gotta shoot this shit again. - Yeah, like fire hurts.

fire hurts shoot

↓

(techno music)

music techno techno-music

↓

- Hey, Dancing Guy! - That's the man.

dancing

↓

- Now this is entertainment. DEE: Oh.

entertainment

↓

I can't believe... It doesn't make any sense, man.

believe sense

↓

It's, like, what is he...

↓

What's the time? Diaper Time!

diaper

↓

- Whoa! - What?

whoa

↓

That is weird.

weird

↓

MAC: They're really stepping up the insanity.

insanity stepping

↓

FRANK: Where do they find theM? - Look at these people.

frank

↓

Do you not find this sad and embarrassing for them?

embarrassing

↓

Those people are pieces of shit.

pieces

↓

But I want to watch it.

watch

↓

- So much and so often - I want to watch it.

often watch

↓

I think we should throw parties and just sort of watch it together.

parties throw watch

↓

- This is television at its best. - Definitely.

best television

↓

- People love well stories. - Really?

love stories

↓

I feel like well stories are played out.

played stories

↓

- Who gets stuck in a well? - Kittens do.

kittens stuck

↓

Kittens? You guys put those kitties in there?

kittens

↓

What else were we supposed to put down there, Dee?

supposed

↓

All right, fine. I'll do it. But don't set it on fire, okay?

fire

↓

- This is dangerous enough. - Deandra, use your head.

dangerous deandra head

↓

- How would we set a well on fire? - It's filled with water.

filled fire water

↓

- Get in the well! - I'm going!

↓

Save the kittens! Save the day!

kittens save

↓

- Give me the matches. - Yep.

matches

↓

Okay, it's all good through here.

↓

(screaming) (kittens screech)

kittens screaming screech

↓

- Hey! There you go. - She throws the kittens every time.

kittens throws

↓

Oh, she loves to ruin and ruin and ruin and ruin.

loves ruin

↓

Do you guys mind keeping it down a little bit?

keeping mind

↓

- It's 5:00 in the afternoon. - What the hell?

afternoon

↓

- I was at the club all night. - You turning into a club kid now?

club night turning

↓

Oh, man. You guys should've been there, man.

shouldve

↓

Everybody was there. It was so awesome.

awesome everybody

↓

We've been trying to turn Dee into a hero

hero

↓

by, like, getting her to rescue kittens

kittens rescue

↓

n compromising situations.

situations

↓

But she messes up every time!

messes

↓

Hey, what if we set up, like, a conveyor belt situation, right?

belt situation

↓

Put the cats on that. And then at the end of it, a chopping mechanism.

cats chopping mechanism

↓

- Oh, yeah! Let's chop cats! - Hey! This is good!

cats chop

↓

- No. - Let's chop cats!

cats chop

↓

We don't actually chop the cats. Dee grabs them before that.

cats chop grabs

↓

We'll chop a couple cats so that you know it's real.

cats chop couple real

↓

I don't think anybody's really gonna give a shit about a nobody

anybodys nobody

↓

saving a bunch of kittens.

bunch kittens saving

↓

But a celebrity saving cats... Then you got a story.

cats celebrity saving story

↓

So what are you suggesting?

suggesting

↓

I'm building up quite a reputation, especially in the club scene.

building club especially reputation scene

↓

With my connections,

connections

↓

I could finally get Dee into some of those clubs.

clubs finally

↓

Once she's in those clubs, I can turn her into a celebrity.

celebrity clubs

↓

And once she's a celebrity, you guys got a story.

celebrity story

↓

You think she's gonna go for that?

↓

She's pissed at you for ditching her there.

ditching pissed

↓

I don't think Dee's that desperate to get famous.

dees desperate famous

↓

Nobody's that pathetic.

nobodys pathetic

↓

I can't believe how famous I'm about to be!

believe famous

↓

Run off to the bathroom and cram a couple fingers down your throat.

bathroom couple cram fingers throat

↓

Bulimia's really big with this crowd.

crowd

↓

I just tried, but I've been throwing up all day long.

throwing tried

↓

I don't think I have any food left inside of me.

food left

↓

Try harder. Because it's really important, all right?

harder

↓

- Yeah. Okay. - If only just for show.

↓

- Dennis! Hey! - Hey!

dennis

↓

These are the girls. Don't screw this up.

girls screw

↓

These girls can make or break you in this town.

break girls town

↓

Hey. You look gorgeous.

gorgeous

↓

Hey, listen, ladies. This is my sister.

ladies sister

↓

Notice how disgustingly skinny she is. Isn't it weird?

disgustingly notice skinny weird

↓

Oh, my God! You are like crack skinny!

crack skinny

↓

- Oh! Okay! - That's a compliment.

compliment

↓

- She throws up all the time. - Oh, my God. I just got done.

throws

↓

I'm sorry if my breath stinks.

breath stinks

↓

Hey, Dennis, want one? Maybe not tonight, ladies.

dennis ladies tonight

↓

I'm kinda working on something.

kinda working

↓

- Oh, come on. Don't be a loser. - Yeah!

loser

↓

Well, all right. Yeah, maybe just one.

↓

Do you have one for my sister too?

sister

↓

- Sure. - What is it?

↓

You'll see.

↓

Chop, chop, chop. Good! Good!

chop chop-chop chop-chop-chop

↓

The cat's dead. I don't see any problems with that

cats dead problems

↓

other than the fact that the camera might see my hand killing the cat.

camera fact hand killing might

↓

We're gonna pull the cat out before it gets to the chopper.

chopper pull

↓

But if Sweet Dee doesn't make it in time, you're gonna see me chop it.

chop sweet

↓

Just don't drop the cat. I can't make that promise.

drop promise

↓

- Come on. - Whoa!

whoa

↓

Where have you been? You look like shit.

↓

- I don't want to talk about that. - Did you become celebrities yet?

become celebrities

↓

We're not doing the celebrity thing anymore. We're done with that.

anymore celebrity

↓

No. We need you guys. 'Cause we got this great chopping mechanism.

chopping mechanism

↓

- It's for the news show. - There is no news show, Charlie!

charlie news

↓

Yes, there is a news show, Dennis! We're gonna put it on public access!

access dennis news public public-access

↓

Nobody watches public access. I don't want to be on public access.

access nobody public public-access watches

↓

What? (techno music on TV)

music techno techno-music

↓

- Hey! Hey, Dancing Guy's on! DEE: No, no, no, no!

dancing

↓

- Turn that off! - Hey! Dancing Guy's a great show.

dancing

↓

- Charlie. No, Charlie. - Turn it off, man. Turn it off!

charlie

↓

What's the time? Diaper Time! What's the time? Diaper Time!

diaper

↓

Congratulations, guys. You're famous.

congratulations famous

↓

(techno continues)

continues techno