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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E03 — Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 3 — Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead

Air date: September 20, 2007

Director: Matt Shakman

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

After Barbara's death, Dee and Frank are unhappy to learn that she left them both out of the will, while Dennis inherits the mansion which he plans to turn into a party pad.

Source: TMDB

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That's a greatlooking set of knives, pal.

knives

↓

Where'd you get those? This old magician was trying to unload 'em.

magician unload whered

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Oh, so they're like magical trick knives or...

knives magical trick

↓

Well, the knives are real. Mm-hmm.

knives real

↓

They're used for magical tricks. But they're real.

magical real tricks used

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You know what I mean? They're sharp too. Oh, I'll show you.

sharp

↓

Hey, Dee. Can you get up against the wall? I'm just gonna...

wall

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. You're not throwing knives at me.

knives throwing

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Let's just throw them at her regardless. I'll tell you...

regardless throw

↓

No! Yeah, you know what? Start running. 'Cause we're coming.

coming running start

↓

Oh, my God. Don't you dare. Ten, nine, eight...

dare eight nine

↓

No. No, no, no. No. No. Seven, six, five...

five seven

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Okay! Listen up, everybody!

everybody

↓

In the middle of somethin'! Frank, we're in the middle of something very important!

frank middle somethin

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I got news! Your mother is dead!

dead mother news

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Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.

frank funny

↓

I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift.

botched lift neck serious

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She's as dead as disco.

dead disco

↓

Who wants champagne?

champagne wants

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I am so sorry. My apologies.

apologies

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I am so busy today. It's good to see all of you.

busy today

↓

That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it.

worry

↓

Listen. Would now be a good time to say a few words...

words

↓

about my wonderfully warm and caring mother? No.

caring mother warm

↓

Just, you know, get to the reading part. Let's get on with it, man.

part reading

↓

Let's go. All right.

↓

Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?

frank frank-reynolds reynolds

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Yo. Okay.

↓

Uh, Frank, I have something here that I need to read to you from Barbara.

barbara frank read

↓

Hmm.

↓

"Frank, if your...

frank

↓

"fat monkey heart is still beating...

beating heart monkey

↓

"Then congratulations.

congratulations

↓

"I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money...

hereby money

↓

to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children. "

bruce bruce-mathis children father mathis real

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What? What?

↓

Bruce Mathis? "A handsome man...

bruce bruce-mathis handsome mathis

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"with a beautiful soul...

soul

↓

And a nicer penis. "

nicer penis

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You're giving all my money to that jerkoff?

giving money

↓

You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document, okay?

document reading reynolds

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Why are you giving it to him? I'm not giving...

giving

↓

She barely knew him! Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody.

anybody barely giving money

↓

You see? I'm just reading what's on a will.

reading

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Where is that rat bastard? Sir, I don't know.

bastard

↓

Because I want to smash his face until he's dead!

dead face smash

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Killed dead! Killed dead! Frank, would you forget about Bruce?

bruce dead forget frank killed

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I wanna kill him! Mom just gave away all of our money!

kill money

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You know what? We should just move forward, okay?

forward

↓

"For my darling son, Dennis"... Hmm?

darling dennis

↓

Presumably. Uh, "I give you my house. "

house

↓

Yeah, okay. Well...

↓

Yeah. Now it's startin' to make sense. Read on.

read sense startin

↓

"On the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in. "

allowed condition frank sole

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I would never let him in. What?

↓

"Deandra... Yes?

deandra

↓

"You get... nothing.

↓

You were a disappointment and a mistake. "

disappointment mistake

↓

A mistake? We're twins.

mistake twins

↓

Yeah. We were born at the same time.

born

↓

What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.

sense

↓

Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!

bitch sense

↓

Okay... I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, okay?

reading words wrote

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I don't know your mom. Never met your mom.

↓

In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now.

certainly fact speaking

↓

Because she's dead. Yeah, we know she's dead!

dead

↓

We're venting because we're frustrated.

frustrated

↓

You tell her she's a goddamn whore!

goddamn whore

↓

Okay, I... Always been a whore!

whore

↓

What about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?

jewelry

↓

It does say something about the jewelry in here... Okay.

jewelry

↓

In that, um, she wants to be buried in it.

buried wants

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Goddamn it! Oh! Oh!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

Oh, goddamn it! She's taking it into the grave!

goddamn goddamn-it grave

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I tell you what, you son of a bitch. I am very disappointed in you today.

bitch disappointed today

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Very upset with you. You're angry.

angry upset

↓

You tell her for me that I will be in touch with her somehow.

touch

↓

Yeah! Tell her she's a bitch!

bitch

↓

These are awkward situations often.

awkward often situations

↓

And I know it can be difficult.

difficult

↓

Hey. Thanks for the house, dude.

house thanks

↓

You know... You know, I didn't give you the house.

house

↓

That's not how this whole situation works. Yeah, you did!

situation whole whole-situation works

↓

Mm-hmm. Okay.

↓

Jesus Christ.

christ jesus jesus-christ

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Hey. I got a plan to get back at your mother.

mother plan

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Too late. I'm already full throttle over here.

full late throttle

↓

I'm gonna dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry.

body jewelry middle night snatch

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That's insane! Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T.

buried frank insane woman

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I gotta get to that body while the earth's still loose.

body earths loose

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Deandra, I know how to get the money back from Bruce.

bruce deandra money

↓

What's your plan? All right...

plan

↓

You call Brucie on the phone...

phone

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and tell him that you want to introduce him to your new fiancé.

introduce

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Who's that? Me.

↓

Oh, man. This house sure brings back a lot of memories.

brings house memories

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Guys! Look what I just found in Dee's old room!

dees found room

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It's her middle school diary, dude. Ooh, yeah!

diary middle middle-school school

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Who gives a shit? This is her diary, man.

diary gives

↓

It's got all her secrets and shit in here! D-Dude!

secrets

↓

It says "keep out. There's a little lock that we can...

lock

↓

Well, we'll get it open later. We are not reading...

open reading

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Dee's middle school diary to you, bro!

dees diary middle middle-school school

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Look, we need to start the healing process.

healing process start

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Yeah... Okay?

↓

I'm devastated over here. We need to throw a big-ass party.

devastated party throw

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Because I need to be amongst my friends. Let's call the crew.

amongst crew friends

↓

Let's round the boys up! Round the crew up!

boys crew round

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And let's have a kickass party! We got the diary!

diary kickass party

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And the crew! The boys are back in town

boys crew town

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The boys are back in town The boys are back in town!

boys town

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I have two numbers in my phone.

numbers phone

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Charlie and Dennis.

charlie dennis

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Huh. Well, what about all our friends, dude?

friends

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Yeah, what about, uh... Dooley! Call Dooley. Dooley! Let's call Dooley!

dooley

↓

Dooley loves a good party! Dooley!

dooley loves party

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Dooley in the house! Dooley's in the house!

dooley house

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Yeah. Dooley killed himself.

dooley killed

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Uh... oh...

↓

Yeah. About two years back now.

years

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Yeah. It's a real sad, sad, sad thing for him and his family.

family real

↓

That's... That's terrible. I knew he was, uh...

↓

Depressed. Very sad. Very depressed.

depressed

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And, uh... How about, uh... Let's call Stash!

stash

↓

Let's get the Stash man! Uh...

stash

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Stash? Stash man? What did you do? I set him on fire.

fire stash

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Son of a bitch. All right, forget him. Forget Stash. I don't like him anyway.

bitch forget stash

↓

Let's get Z-man. I banged his sister.

banged sister

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Oh... Sully!

sully

↓

No, but... Sully! I got Sully.

sully

↓

He's got a restraining order against me.

order restraining restraining-order

↓

I can't go within 500 feet of him. Plus, you know what?

feet plus

↓

I banged his sister too. Did you really?

banged sister

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She was gross. Yeah.

gross

↓

Oh, I remember that. Yeah.

remember

↓

Wait a minute. What are we saying? We got no friends?

friends minute

↓

Looks like it, right?

↓

Wow, that hits home. Boom.

boom hits home

↓

That's terrible. Guys, guys. That's sad.

↓

Do you realize what that means?

realize

↓

I mean, if we were to all die suddenly just like my mom did...

suddenly

↓

we would have nobody left to mourn us.

left mourn nobody

↓

Oh, shit. You know, we would have no one left behind us...

behind left left-behind

↓

to tell of our great adventures and our glorious triumphs.

adventures glorious

↓

Oh, dude. We gotta... We gotta make friends.

friends

↓

All our triumphs. All our triumphs and our tales and...

tales

↓

We need to preserve our legacy.

legacy preserve

↓

That's what I'm saying, bro! Our legacy! Our whole legacy here!

legacy whole

↓

So let's go out and make some friends, right? Okay, let's do that. But first...

friends

↓

Who wants to burn through a quick chapter of this diary?

burn chapter diary quick wants

↓

How's the ponytail look? It's ridiculous.

ridiculous

↓

Why... I don't understand why you're wearing this whole getup.

getup wearing whole

↓

Bruce has never even seen you. Deandra, if we're gonna pull this thing off...

bruce deandra pull seen

↓

I gotta turn into a liberal yahoo just like Bruce.

bruce liberal yahoo

↓

Now, when he gets here, I want you to hold my hand through the whole thing.

hand whole

↓

I won't do that. Look.

↓

You've gotta stop thinking of me as your dad...

thinking

↓

and start thinking of me as your fiancé, Seamus. Gross.

gross seamus start start-thinking thinking

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Could we please try and think of a less creepy angle?

angle creepy less

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But this is a grift. I mean, that's the way it is.

↓

You gotta stay in character all the time.

character

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As soon as you break character, you blow the grift.

blow break character

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Hand, hand.

hand

↓

No, I don't wanna touch you. Holding hands.

hands holding holding-hands touch

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Ah, damn it.

↓

Deandra.

deandra

↓

Ah, my little girl. How are you doing? Are you okay?

girl

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Well, no, no. I'm... I'm very broken up inside.

broken

↓

Bruce, this is Seamus, my fiancé.

bruce seamus

↓

I am also broken up. Mm-hmm.

broken

↓

What say we all bring it on in for a hug?

bring

↓

Mm. We're doing hugs.

hugs

↓

Oh, I'm so sorry I missed the funeral. Mm-hmm.

funeral missed

↓

We were in Uganda doing a lot of work with the Al DS crisis there and...

crisis

↓

Al DS? You touch anybody?

anybody touch

↓

Well, sure. Hey, man!

↓

What kind of shit is that? You just hugged me!

hugged

↓

Why would you do that? Seamus is joking.

joking seamus

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He's got a... He's got a very dry sense of humor.

humor sense

↓

I'm not joking! That shit is serious!

joking serious

↓

I gotta take a shower now! Hmm.

shower

↓

That's kind of... odd.

↓

Oh, yeah. Well, that's my guy. You know? He's a...

↓

Yeah. He's got a little bit of a germ problem.

problem

↓

It's... I'll get him some books for that.

books

↓

He's... He's grieving and and... Yeah. Sure.

grieving

↓

But you seem to be holding up okay.

holding

↓

It's funny that I seem like that. Because I'm not holding up okay.

funny holding

↓

I'm very sad. I'm devastated.

devastated

↓

Well, there's nothing tougher than losing a parent. Oh, it's the worst!

losing parent tougher worst

↓

It is. And it's the... So she gave you all of our money, huh?

money

↓

All of... All of... Yeah. Yeah.

↓

All of our fortune. She gave it to you. Weird, right?

fortune weird

↓

Yeah. Good news is it's all gonna go to help the less fortunate.

fortunate less news

↓

Every penny. Oh, well, that is good news.

news penny

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It's a done deal. Oh, well, that's actually why we brought you here.

brought deal

↓

Oh, see, Seamus and I have a plan.

plan seamus

↓

We want to adopt a ton of kids.

adopt kids

↓

Oh, Deandra. Isn't that wonderful...

deandra

↓

that we'll need to use our fortune that my mother gave you...

fortune mother

↓

to shove at these kids! You know what I think?

kids shove

↓

Huh? I think I know exactly what you and Seamus need.

seamus

↓

Can you sit tight? You just sit tight. Sit tight.

tight

↓

I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Okay?

↓

Okay. Okay.

↓

Yeah.

↓

Is he gone? Yeah, he's gone.

gone

↓

Burn these clothes.

burn clothes

↓

Tracy, cancel all my appointments.

appointments cancel tracy

↓

L It's time for my daughter and that idiot who raised her to learn a lesson.

daughter idiot learn lesson raised

↓

Guys, I don't know if I'm feeling this flyer idea.

feeling flyer idea

↓

Really? It's perfect, dude.

perfect

↓

How else are three guys in their late 20s supposed to make friends?

friends late supposed three

↓

There's no system in place. A flyer does all the work. It does the work for us, man.

flyer place system

↓

All right, read back what we got so far because I don't... Okay.

read

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"What up? We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys...

cool looking three three-cool

↓

who wanna hang out in our party mansion. "

hang mansion party party-mansion

↓

It sounds a little gay.

sounds

↓

Yeah. It does sound gay. Right?

sound

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You know what? Write, um, "nothing sexual. " Good. Okay.

sexual write

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"We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys who wanna hang out in our party mansion. "

cool hang looking mansion party party-mansion three three-cool

↓

"Nothing sexual. "

sexual

↓

Good, good. And add, "Fighters welcome. "

fighters welcome

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'Cause, you know, we want some tough dudes and some big dudes.

dudes tough

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I don't want a bunch of tough guys in here wanting to fight me.

bunch fight tough wanting

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No, I didn't mean that. But it would be good to have extra protection.

extra protection

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Yeah. Extra protection and... All right.

extra protection

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Well, uh, put "fitness encouraged. "

encouraged fitness

↓

Beautiful. That sounds confusing.

confusing sounds

↓

Do you think so? I'll put, "Dudes in good shape. "

dudes shape

↓

Oh, there you go! That solves it. Nice.

solves

↓

I like dudes in good shape. There we go.

dudes shape

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Okay. But we also need a guy who's funny and fat. We need a funny fat guy.

funny

↓

We need a funny fat guy. Because every crew has a funny fat guy.

crew funny

↓

Well, no. I'm the funny fat guy. So don't worry about that.

funny worry

↓

You're not fat, dude. Yeah. You're also not funny.

funny

↓

I want somebody who does observational humor.

humor somebody

↓

Oh, you know what? That would be good. Observational humor is cool.

cool humor

↓

You know what, guys? I'm just gonna put "nothing sexual" again just to reiterate.

reiterate sexual

↓

Underline that. Please, please.

↓

Okay, clarity. Smart. Be very clear with that.

clarity clear smart

↓

And I'm thinking that the flyer should be in the shape of a beer mug.

beer flyer shape thinking

↓

Hmm... Too complicated. I don't like that.

complicated

↓

Yeah. Uh... What about a bicep?

bicep

↓

Bicep. Yeah! A bicep. Bicep's good.

bicep

↓

A bicep would really do it. All right, let's go with a bicep.

bicep

↓

Okay. Yeah, what do we got?

↓

Here we go. "What up? We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys...

cool looking three three-cool

↓

"who wanna hang out in our party mansion.

hang mansion party party-mansion

↓

"Nothing sexual. Dudes in good shape encouraged.

dudes encouraged sexual shape

↓

"If you're fat, you should be able to find humor in the little things.

able humor

↓

Again, nothing sexual. " Underlined. Underlined. Okay.

sexual

↓

Great. I have no problem with that.

problem

↓

No. Let's go meet some men.

meet

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Lookin' good, bro. Lookin' very good.

lookin

↓

I'm sorry? Oh, your pants. Nice cut.

pants

↓

You know, that vertical line on the side gives your body good length.

body gives length line side

↓

Do you work here? What... Nah.

↓

I'm just looking to meet some... some new guys.

looking meet

↓

I saw you from across the way. And I thought, yeah.

↓

This guy's got a good sense of style. He's about the same age.

sense style

↓

Got a nice crop of blond hair. We could definitely use a blond in the crew.

blond crew crop hair

↓

Mix things up a little bit. Here. Why don't you just, uh...

↓

take a look at that flyer there.

flyer

↓

Is this a penis?

penis

↓

A... penis? No. It's a...

penis

↓

It's a bicep. Oh.

bicep

↓

Yeah, yeah. Oh, right. "Party mansion. "

mansion party party-mansion

↓

Exactly. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, I'll swing by.

cool swing

↓

You'll swing by? Yeah, sure.

swing

↓

Okay, yeah. Just come by the address. We'll be there partying.

address partying

↓

Sure. Yeah, at the party mansion. You're gonna be perfect, man.

mansion party party-mansion perfect

↓

Yeah. Nice.

↓

See ya there.

↓

I should give him more for his friends.

friends

↓

Yeah.

↓

Oh, son of a bitch!

bitch

↓

Penis? No. It's a... a bicep. Bro.

bicep penis

↓

I just had the most perfect blond guy slip right through my fingers.

blond fingers perfect slip

↓

I mean, I had him in the palm of my hand, and then he was gone.

gone hand palm

↓

You know what I mean? I mean, this guy would've been perfect for you.

perfect wouldve

↓

What's up with this beefcake? Is he coming to the party or what?

beefcake coming party

↓

Big time. Great.

↓

Nah, he didn't read the flyer. No, I read the flyer.

flyer read

↓

He didn't understand it. I understood it... perfectly.

perfectly understood

↓

Oh! Okay.

↓

Okay, we need to take a second look at this flyer. Uh, yeah, dude.

flyer second

↓

Guys! Check out who I just met buying a crossbow.

buying check

↓

This dude is the shit. I shall use this crossbow to pierce my broken heart.

broken heart pierce

↓

Yeah.

↓

All right, dude.

↓

Dude, isn't that guy awesome or what? He's like a poet.

awesome poet

↓

That guy's not awesome. No.

awesome

↓

Dude, do you know how hard it is to find...

hard

↓

a passionate guy like that these days... they don't make 'em anymore.

anymore days passionate

↓

You should've seen how passionate he got when I showed him the dick flyer.

dick flyer passionate seen shouldve shouldve-seen showed

↓

You knew? You knew that it was a dick?

dick

↓

Well, yeah. I thought we changed it. I thought you guys were changing it.

changed changing

↓

It was always... It was always meant to be a bicep. It was a bicep, bro.

bicep meant

↓

Well, then why did you cut it like... 'Cause it looks totally like a dick.

dick

↓

I thought, all right, let's go with the dick thing. It's more masculine anyway.

dick masculine

↓

Good point. I mean, shit...

point

↓

If you want it to be a bicep, it needs more veins.

bicep needs veins

↓

I can't wear this.

wear

↓

I gotta go home and get another costume.

another costume home

↓

Come on. There's no time. Just sit down and shut up.

↓

And wait for Bruce to get back with the money.

bruce money

↓

All right.

↓

But I can't promise that I'm not gonna go berserk...

berserk promise

↓

if he tries to give me Al DS again.

tries

↓

He wasn't trying to give you Al DS. Jesus Christ!

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

You're the one who's goin' on and on about staying in character.

character goin staying

↓

Yeah, you're right. You're right. Look, we can do this, okay?

↓

We just have to go along with whatever he throws at us. We're so close to that money.

along close money throws

↓

Yeah.

↓

Yeah? I'm not gonna blow the cover.

blow cover

↓

Good. Pull your shit together, Seamus. All right.

pull seamus

↓

Surprise!

surprise

↓

These are some of my adopted children. Go ahead, guys.

adopted ahead children go-ahead

↓

This is your new home.

home

↓

Ooh, Mac. Here come our guests. Come on.

guests

↓

Okay. Okay. How did you get these guys again?

↓

Oh, they're college kids. I just went down to Penn.

college college-kids kids penn

↓

I reeled them in with a couple of white lies. Put your game face on, buddy.

buddy couple face game lies white

↓

We got a legacy to preserve. Okay.

legacy preserve

↓

Here we go.

↓

Welcome to the party mansion, bitches!

bitches mansion party party-mansion welcome

↓

Get your asses in here!

asses

↓

Look at that shit, huh? Yeah!

↓

Where is everybody? Where are all the chicks?

chicks everybody

↓

Guess what. It's just you and us. That's right!

↓

We got the party mansion to ourselves!

mansion party party-mansion

↓

There ain't no rules in the party mansion! That's right.

aint mansion party party-mansion rules

↓

Check this out, bitches! Whoo!

bitches check whoo

↓

Oh, yeah, baby! Nice one!

baby

↓

Let's stop being pussies, and let's funnel some beers! Let's funnel some beers!

beers funnel pussies

↓

I don't really drink. Wrong answer, bitch! You're a drinker tonight!

answer bitch drink drinker tonight

↓

That's right. You guys are gonna be telling stories...

stories telling telling-stories

↓

for the rest of your lives about how crazy we are! Oh, yeah.

crazy lives rest

↓

You're gonna tell everybody how we're like those guys from Jackass.

everybody jackass

↓

How we like to smash stuff and shove shit up our asses. That's right!

asses shove smash stuff

↓

You are gonna get so much shit shoved up your ass tonight, four eyes!

eyes four shoved tonight

↓

Yeah! You're gonna be talking about this night for the rest of your lives!

lives night rest

↓

"Dear Diary, the dance was a total disaster.

dance dear diary disaster total

↓

"I cried myself to sleep again last night.

cried night sleep

↓

Oh! "Mom forced me to wear the back brace.

brace forced wear

↓

And all the school chanted "aluminum monster!"'

aluminum aluminum-monster monster school

↓

Oh... Oh, man!

↓

"Aluminum monster. " That is hilarious.

aluminum aluminum-monster hilarious monster

↓

No! Oh, it's not hilarious!

hilarious

↓

I share this little girl's pain.

girls pain share

↓

Have you ever been scorned, Charlie?

charlie

↓

Uh, like all day, every day, dude.

↓

Then you should think of this little girl as your soul mate of pain.

girl mate pain soul soul-mate

↓

Oh, shit, bro.

↓

Babysitting a bunch of orphans was not part of our grift.

babysitting bunch part

↓

Yeah. Well, it's either that or digging up Mom...

digging

↓

which, for the record, I am still very into.

record

↓

But I'm willing to do whatever we need to do to get this money, Frank.

frank money willing

↓

Okay? If we need to adopt a couple of orphans, fine.

adopt couple

↓

We'll get the money, and we'll take them back. Oh...

money

↓

Can you do that? Is that possible?

possible

↓

I don't know. I'm sure they have some kind of a return exchange policy.

exchange policy return

↓

That sounds good.

sounds

↓

Great. Now this one's sad. Give...

ones

↓

Give her some money. What?

money

↓

Frank, give her some money. I'm not giving her shit! What are you talking about?

frank giving money

↓

May I speak to you two in the kitchen?

kitchen speak

↓

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

↓

You two have such a great vibe! I'm ready to write a check right now.

check ready vibe write

↓

But I just want to make sure that I'm helping you...

helping

↓

to have, like, the best relationship that you can...

best relationship

↓

so that these kids have a loving, stable home.

home kids loving stable

↓

And I know that this may sound a little weird.

sound weird

↓

But I have a lot of training in family therapy.

family therapy training

↓

And I think for me to help you...

↓

I need to observe you at your most intimate.

intimate observe

↓

I need to observe you two making love.

love observe

↓

Uh... Uh...

↓

How long's your boy been passed out, bro?

longs passed

↓

I don't know. A couple of minutes.

couple minutes

↓

I'm just worried he's gonna wake up before we throw him down those stairs.

stairs throw wake worried

↓

You kidding me? Look at him. He's gone.

gone kidding

↓

Man, he's out. You're kidding, right?

kidding

↓

You're not really gonna throw him down the stairs. Oh!

stairs throw

↓

We should throw him off the roof! Right? Great idea, dude.

idea roof throw

↓

I'm the thrower. That's fine.

↓

Why are you guys doing this? That's what friends do to each other, bro.

friends

↓

No, it isn't! Guy, his mom just died.

died

↓

Can you have a little compassion? My mom just died, all right?

compassion died

↓

The least you could do is let us throw your buddy off the roof!

buddy least roof throw

↓

"I'm totally gonna tell Eric how much I like him tonight.

eric tonight

↓

"Even though Danielle...

danielle

↓

"was like all over him today in school.

school today

↓

"Mother said, "Don't bother.

bother mother

↓

He wants a pretty girl instead. "'

girl wants

↓

I can't stop crying, Ernesto.

crying

↓

Hey, me neither, Charlie.

charlie

↓

Oh, but don't fight it, Charlie! No!

charlie fight

↓

It is all part of the healing process.

healing part process

↓

So tell me, how do you two usually begin your lovemaking sessions?

begin lovemaking sessions usually

↓

That's hard to say, you know?

hard

↓

Because we start it in so many... ways.

start ways

↓

Seamus, perhaps...

perhaps seamus

↓

perhaps you should start by, uh, kissing her neck lightly.

kissing lightly neck perhaps start

↓

Uh, no.

↓

No, because, uh, we don't kiss. We don't kiss.

kiss

↓

At all. No kissing. Mmmmm.

kissing

↓

That's unusual, but okay.

unusual

↓

Okay. Just tell me w...

↓

Just tell me what you are into.

↓

I like to watch. So I'm gonna bounce off the bed...

bounce watch

↓

and observe.

observe

↓

Okay. Okay.

↓

See... You see what just happened, Dee?

happened

↓

Seamus has just communicated what turns him on in a healthy way.

healthy seamus turns

↓

Heh. So... Yeah.

↓

Perhaps now would be a good time for you to pleasure yourself for him.

perhaps pleasure

↓

Hmm. Then eventually Seamus will mount you.

eventually mount seamus

↓

Okay. You know what?

↓

I'm gonna have to stop this. Really?

↓

Uh, yeah. Yeah?

↓

I'm gonna come clean here because we've been lying to you.

clean lying

↓

Deandra... Deandra, just... No.

deandra

↓

Think about what you're doing. No. You know what? I'm sorry.

↓

We've been lying. And the reason is...

lying reason

↓

Think... we haven't had sex yet...

↓

because we're waiting until we get married.

married waiting

↓

We're waiting. We're saving ourselves.

saving waiting

↓

We're saving ourselves! Saving ourselves.

saving

↓

It's so important to me and to him... Yeah, we couldn't do it.

↓

To do that. Yeah. Right.

↓

And I... And I... And I think that maybe that's what the tension...

tension

↓

is that you're feeling. It's all sexual.

feeling sexual

↓

Oh, it's so sexual. You know, I'm also a licensed minister.

licensed minister sexual

↓

So why don't we just do a wedding? Like do it tomorrow?

tomorrow wedding

↓

Hmm! Because I've been thinking about it.

thinking

↓

And I should never give the money to an unmarried couple anyway.

couple money

↓

Okay. Okay.

↓

Family and friends, we're gathered here...

family friends gathered

↓

to... to share in the declaration of a lifelong commitment...

commitment declaration lifelong share

↓

between this man and this woman.

woman

↓

Deandra, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

deandra husband wedded

↓

I do. Seamus...

seamus

↓

do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?

wedded wife woman

↓

You bet ya.

↓

Well, then by the authority of God...

authority

↓

and the laws of the great state of Pennsylvania...

laws pennsylvania state

↓

I now pronounce you man and wife.

pronounce wife

↓

Congratulations, Deandra! You made me so happy.

congratulations deandra happy

↓

Yeah. And you just married your daughter, Frank.

daughter frank married

↓

You know who I am? Of course I know who you are.

course

↓

You're the little asswipe who raised my children...

children raised

↓

and turned them into animals, into monsters who...

animals monsters turned

↓

who lie and steal and take advantage of people...

advantage steal

↓

and contribute absolutely nothing to society.

absolutely contribute society

↓

Make sure you're getting this. Yeah, yeah.

↓

I can't believe Ernesto's missing this! He's gotta see it. Go get him.

believe missing

↓

If you knew who he was, then why did you do the whole ceremony?

ceremony whole

↓

I was just trying to push you two to your limit.

limit push

↓

But apparently you... you have none. So...

apparently

↓

I... I hate to interrupt. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

hate interrupt

↓

Uh, Bruce? Can you... Can you just pronounce them man and wife again?

bruce pronounce wife

↓

I wanna get that in a close-up. Again? You wanna...

close

↓

Do the thing where you're like, "And, yes, of course I know who you are. "

course

↓

And you were getting so angry, Bruce. Oh, yeah!

angry bruce

↓

Bruce, can you make 'em kiss this time, though? Yes. Uh, sure.

bruce kiss

↓

May I... May I see the camera for just a second from this side maybe?

camera second side

↓

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh...

↓

I'm gonna take this and give it to the lawyer, and you're gonna lose the house...

house lawyer lose

↓

because, uh, you violated the conditions of the will.

conditions violated

↓

Frank was not to set foot in the house!

foot frank house

↓

Bruce, come on, man. D Dad, be cool, man. Like, let that slide.

bruce cool slide

↓

You are acting like a real bastard, Bruce. That's ridiculous.

acting bastard bruce real ridiculous

↓

You're the most horrible people alive.

alive horrible

↓

Oh, come on. Oh, that's a little bit going overboard.

overboard

↓

That's a lot. That's a lot to say. Come on. Don't be like that.

↓

Now I'm gonna lose the party mansion. Thanks a lot, Frank!

frank lose mansion party party-mansion thanks

↓

Whoa, guys! Guys, where you going? Whoa, whoa! Hey!

whoa whoa-whoa

↓

How did they get free? Oh, come on! We were just having a little fun!

free fun having

↓

You guys still wanna be in our crew? I don't think so.

crew

↓

I don't think they're gonna go off and tell...

↓

about our great adventures and our glorious triumphs. It doesn't seem like it.

adventures glorious

↓

No. Well, at least we still have Ernesto. Yeah, whoops.

least whoops

↓

No, no. He robbed your house.

house robbed

↓

Oh, son of a bitch. Yeah.

bitch

↓

Ah, I'm sorry that the grift didn't work out, sweetie.

sweetie

↓

We could still go get Mom's jewelry. I'll get the shovel.

jewelry moms shovel

↓