Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S03E03 — Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 3, Episode 3 — Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead

That's a greatlooking set of knives, pal.

#1

⇓

Where'd you get those? This old magician was trying to unload 'em.

#2

⇓

Oh, so they're like magical trick knives or...

#3

⇓

Well, the knives are real. Mm-hmm.

#4

⇓

They're used for magical tricks. But they're real.

#5

⇓

You know what I mean? They're sharp too. Oh, I'll show you.

#6

⇓

Hey, Dee. Can you get up against the wall? I'm just gonna...

#7

⇓

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. You're not throwing knives at me.

#8

⇓

Let's just throw them at her regardless. I'll tell you...

#9

⇓

No! Yeah, you know what? Start running. 'Cause we're coming.

#10

⇓

Oh, my God. Don't you dare. Ten, nine, eight...

#11

⇓

No. No, no, no. No. No. Seven, six, five...

#12

⇓

Okay! Listen up, everybody!

#13

⇓

In the middle of somethin'! Frank, we're in the middle of something very important!

#14

⇓

I got news! Your mother is dead!

#15

⇓

Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.

#16

⇓

I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift.

#17

⇓

She's as dead as disco.

#18

⇓

Who wants champagne?

#19

⇓

I am so sorry. My apologies.

#20

⇓

I am so busy today. It's good to see all of you.

#21

⇓

That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it.

#22

⇓

Listen. Would now be a good time to say a few words...

#23

⇓

about my wonderfully warm and caring mother? No.

#24

⇓

Just, you know, get to the reading part. Let's get on with it, man.

#25

⇓

Let's go. All right.

#26

⇓

Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?

#27

⇓

Yo. Okay.

#28

⇓

Uh, Frank, I have something here that I need to read to you from Barbara.

#29

⇓

Hmm.

#30

⇓

"Frank, if your...

#31

⇓

"fat monkey heart is still beating...

#32

⇓

"Then congratulations.

#33

⇓

"I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money...

#34

⇓

to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children. "

#35

⇓

What? What?

#36

⇓

Bruce Mathis? "A handsome man...

#37

⇓

"with a beautiful soul...

#38

⇓

And a nicer penis. "

#39

⇓

You're giving all my money to that jerkoff?

#40

⇓

You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document, okay?

#41

⇓

Why are you giving it to him? I'm not giving...

#42

⇓

She barely knew him! Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody.

#43

⇓

You see? I'm just reading what's on a will.

#44

⇓

Where is that rat bastard? Sir, I don't know.

#45

⇓

Because I want to smash his face until he's dead!

#46

⇓

Killed dead! Killed dead! Frank, would you forget about Bruce?

#47

⇓

I wanna kill him! Mom just gave away all of our money!

#48

⇓

You know what? We should just move forward, okay?

#49

⇓

"For my darling son, Dennis"... Hmm?

#50

⇓

Presumably. Uh, "I give you my house. "

#51

⇓

Yeah, okay. Well...

#52

⇓

Yeah. Now it's startin' to make sense. Read on.

#53

⇓

"On the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in. "

#54

⇓

I would never let him in. What?

#55

⇓

"Deandra... Yes?

#56

⇓

"You get... nothing.

#57

⇓

You were a disappointment and a mistake. "

#58

⇓

A mistake? We're twins.

#59

⇓

Yeah. We were born at the same time.

#60

⇓

What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.

#61

⇓

Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!

#62

⇓

Okay... I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, okay?

#63

⇓

I don't know your mom. Never met your mom.

#64

⇓

In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now.

#65

⇓

Because she's dead. Yeah, we know she's dead!

#66

⇓

We're venting because we're frustrated.

#67

⇓

You tell her she's a goddamn whore!

#68

⇓

Okay, I... Always been a whore!

#69

⇓

What about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?

#70

⇓

It does say something about the jewelry in here... Okay.

#71

⇓

In that, um, she wants to be buried in it.

#72

⇓

Goddamn it! Oh! Oh!

#73

⇓

Oh, goddamn it! She's taking it into the grave!

#74

⇓

I tell you what, you son of a bitch. I am very disappointed in you today.

#75

⇓

Very upset with you. You're angry.

#76

⇓

You tell her for me that I will be in touch with her somehow.

#77

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Yeah! Tell her she's a bitch!

#78

⇓

These are awkward situations often.

#79

⇓

And I know it can be difficult.

#80

⇓

Hey. Thanks for the house, dude.

#81

⇓

You know... You know, I didn't give you the house.

#82

⇓

That's not how this whole situation works. Yeah, you did!

#83

⇓

Mm-hmm. Okay.

#84

⇓

Jesus Christ.

#85

⇓

Hey. I got a plan to get back at your mother.

#86

⇓

Too late. I'm already full throttle over here.

#87

⇓

I'm gonna dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry.

#88

⇓

That's insane! Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T.

#89

⇓

I gotta get to that body while the earth's still loose.

#90

⇓

Deandra, I know how to get the money back from Bruce.

#91

⇓

What's your plan? All right...

#92

⇓

You call Brucie on the phone...

#93

⇓

and tell him that you want to introduce him to your new fiancé.

#94

⇓

Who's that? Me.

#95

⇓

Oh, man. This house sure brings back a lot of memories.

#96

⇓

Guys! Look what I just found in Dee's old room!

#97

⇓

It's her middle school diary, dude. Ooh, yeah!

#98

⇓

Who gives a shit? This is her diary, man.

#99

⇓

It's got all her secrets and shit in here! D-Dude!

#100

⇓

It says "keep out. There's a little lock that we can...

#101

⇓

Well, we'll get it open later. We are not reading...

#102

⇓

Dee's middle school diary to you, bro!

#103

⇓

Look, we need to start the healing process.

#104

⇓

Yeah... Okay?

#105

⇓

I'm devastated over here. We need to throw a big-ass party.

#106

⇓

Because I need to be amongst my friends. Let's call the crew.

#107

⇓

Let's round the boys up! Round the crew up!

#108

⇓

And let's have a kickass party! We got the diary!

#109

⇓

And the crew! The boys are back in town

#110

⇓

The boys are back in town The boys are back in town!

#111

⇓

I have two numbers in my phone.

#112

⇓

Charlie and Dennis.

#113

⇓

Huh. Well, what about all our friends, dude?

#114

⇓

Yeah, what about, uh... Dooley! Call Dooley. Dooley! Let's call Dooley!

#115

⇓

Dooley loves a good party! Dooley!

#116

⇓

Dooley in the house! Dooley's in the house!

#117

⇓

Yeah. Dooley killed himself.

#118

⇓

Uh... oh...

#119

⇓

Yeah. About two years back now.

#120

⇓

Yeah. It's a real sad, sad, sad thing for him and his family.

#121

⇓

That's... That's terrible. I knew he was, uh...

#122

⇓

Depressed. Very sad. Very depressed.

#123

⇓

And, uh... How about, uh... Let's call Stash!

#124

⇓

Let's get the Stash man! Uh...

#125

⇓

Stash? Stash man? What did you do? I set him on fire.

#126

⇓

Son of a bitch. All right, forget him. Forget Stash. I don't like him anyway.

#127

⇓

Let's get Z-man. I banged his sister.

#128

⇓

Oh... Sully!

#129

⇓

No, but... Sully! I got Sully.

#130

⇓

He's got a restraining order against me.

#131

⇓

I can't go within 500 feet of him. Plus, you know what?

#132

⇓

I banged his sister too. Did you really?

#133

⇓

She was gross. Yeah.

#134

⇓

Oh, I remember that. Yeah.

#135

⇓

Wait a minute. What are we saying? We got no friends?

#136

⇓

Looks like it, right?

#137

⇓

Wow, that hits home. Boom.

#138

⇓

That's terrible. Guys, guys. That's sad.

#139

⇓

Do you realize what that means?

#140

⇓

I mean, if we were to all die suddenly just like my mom did...

#141

⇓

we would have nobody left to mourn us.

#142

⇓

Oh, shit. You know, we would have no one left behind us...

#143

⇓

to tell of our great adventures and our glorious triumphs.

#144

⇓

Oh, dude. We gotta... We gotta make friends.

#145

⇓

All our triumphs. All our triumphs and our tales and...

#146

⇓

We need to preserve our legacy.

#147

⇓

That's what I'm saying, bro! Our legacy! Our whole legacy here!

#148

⇓

So let's go out and make some friends, right? Okay, let's do that. But first...

#149

⇓

Who wants to burn through a quick chapter of this diary?

#150

⇓

How's the ponytail look? It's ridiculous.

#151

⇓

Why... I don't understand why you're wearing this whole getup.

#152

⇓

Bruce has never even seen you. Deandra, if we're gonna pull this thing off...

#153

⇓

I gotta turn into a liberal yahoo just like Bruce.

#154

⇓

Now, when he gets here, I want you to hold my hand through the whole thing.

#155

⇓

I won't do that. Look.

#156

⇓

You've gotta stop thinking of me as your dad...

#157

⇓

and start thinking of me as your fiancé, Seamus. Gross.

#158

⇓

Could we please try and think of a less creepy angle?

#159

⇓

But this is a grift. I mean, that's the way it is.

#160

⇓

You gotta stay in character all the time.

#161

⇓

As soon as you break character, you blow the grift.

#162

⇓

Hand, hand.

#163

⇓

No, I don't wanna touch you. Holding hands.

#164

⇓

Ah, damn it.

#165

⇓

Deandra.

#166

⇓

Ah, my little girl. How are you doing? Are you okay?

#167

⇓

Well, no, no. I'm... I'm very broken up inside.

#168

⇓

Bruce, this is Seamus, my fiancé.

#169

⇓

I am also broken up. Mm-hmm.

#170

⇓

What say we all bring it on in for a hug?

#171

⇓

Mm. We're doing hugs.

#172

⇓

Oh, I'm so sorry I missed the funeral. Mm-hmm.

#173

⇓

We were in Uganda doing a lot of work with the Al DS crisis there and...

#174

⇓

Al DS? You touch anybody?

#175

⇓

Well, sure. Hey, man!

#176

⇓

What kind of shit is that? You just hugged me!

#177

⇓

Why would you do that? Seamus is joking.

#178

⇓

He's got a... He's got a very dry sense of humor.

#179

⇓

I'm not joking! That shit is serious!

#180

⇓

I gotta take a shower now! Hmm.

#181

⇓

That's kind of... odd.

#182

⇓

Oh, yeah. Well, that's my guy. You know? He's a...

#183

⇓

Yeah. He's got a little bit of a germ problem.

#184

⇓

It's... I'll get him some books for that.

#185

⇓

He's... He's grieving and and... Yeah. Sure.

#186

⇓

But you seem to be holding up okay.

#187

⇓

It's funny that I seem like that. Because I'm not holding up okay.

#188

⇓

I'm very sad. I'm devastated.

#189

⇓

Well, there's nothing tougher than losing a parent. Oh, it's the worst!

#190

⇓

It is. And it's the... So she gave you all of our money, huh?

#191

⇓

All of... All of... Yeah. Yeah.

#192

⇓

All of our fortune. She gave it to you. Weird, right?

#193

⇓

Yeah. Good news is it's all gonna go to help the less fortunate.

#194

⇓

Every penny. Oh, well, that is good news.

#195

⇓

It's a done deal. Oh, well, that's actually why we brought you here.

#196

⇓

Oh, see, Seamus and I have a plan.

#197

⇓

We want to adopt a ton of kids.

#198

⇓

Oh, Deandra. Isn't that wonderful...

#199

⇓

that we'll need to use our fortune that my mother gave you...

#200

⇓

to shove at these kids! You know what I think?

#201

⇓

Huh? I think I know exactly what you and Seamus need.

#202

⇓

Can you sit tight? You just sit tight. Sit tight.

#203

⇓

I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Okay?

#204

⇓

Okay. Okay.

#205

⇓

Yeah.

#206

⇓

Is he gone? Yeah, he's gone.

#207

⇓

Burn these clothes.

#208

⇓

Tracy, cancel all my appointments.

#209

⇓

L It's time for my daughter and that idiot who raised her to learn a lesson.

#210

⇓

Guys, I don't know if I'm feeling this flyer idea.

#211

⇓

Really? It's perfect, dude.

#212

⇓

How else are three guys in their late 20s supposed to make friends?

#213

⇓

There's no system in place. A flyer does all the work. It does the work for us, man.

#214

⇓

All right, read back what we got so far because I don't... Okay.

#215

⇓

"What up? We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys...

#216

⇓

who wanna hang out in our party mansion. "

#217

⇓

It sounds a little gay.

#218

⇓

Yeah. It does sound gay. Right?

#219

⇓

You know what? Write, um, "nothing sexual. " Good. Okay.

#220

⇓

"We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys who wanna hang out in our party mansion. "

#221

⇓

"Nothing sexual. "

#222

⇓

Good, good. And add, "Fighters welcome. "

#223

⇓

'Cause, you know, we want some tough dudes and some big dudes.

#224

⇓

I don't want a bunch of tough guys in here wanting to fight me.

#225

⇓

No, I didn't mean that. But it would be good to have extra protection.

#226

⇓

Yeah. Extra protection and... All right.

#227

⇓

Well, uh, put "fitness encouraged. "

#228

⇓

Beautiful. That sounds confusing.

#229

⇓

Do you think so? I'll put, "Dudes in good shape. "

#230

⇓

Oh, there you go! That solves it. Nice.

#231

⇓

I like dudes in good shape. There we go.

#232

⇓

Okay. But we also need a guy who's funny and fat. We need a funny fat guy.

#233

⇓

We need a funny fat guy. Because every crew has a funny fat guy.

#234

⇓

Well, no. I'm the funny fat guy. So don't worry about that.

#235

⇓

You're not fat, dude. Yeah. You're also not funny.

#236

⇓

I want somebody who does observational humor.

#237

⇓

Oh, you know what? That would be good. Observational humor is cool.

#238

⇓

You know what, guys? I'm just gonna put "nothing sexual" again just to reiterate.

#239

⇓

Underline that. Please, please.

#240

⇓

Okay, clarity. Smart. Be very clear with that.

#241

⇓

And I'm thinking that the flyer should be in the shape of a beer mug.

#242

⇓

Hmm... Too complicated. I don't like that.

#243

⇓

Yeah. Uh... What about a bicep?

#244

⇓

Bicep. Yeah! A bicep. Bicep's good.

#245

⇓

A bicep would really do it. All right, let's go with a bicep.

#246

⇓

Okay. Yeah, what do we got?

#247

⇓

Here we go. "What up? We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys...

#248

⇓

"who wanna hang out in our party mansion.

#249

⇓

"Nothing sexual. Dudes in good shape encouraged.

#250

⇓

"If you're fat, you should be able to find humor in the little things.

#251

⇓

Again, nothing sexual. " Underlined. Underlined. Okay.

#252

⇓

Great. I have no problem with that.

#253

⇓

No. Let's go meet some men.

#254

⇓

Lookin' good, bro. Lookin' very good.

#255

⇓

I'm sorry? Oh, your pants. Nice cut.

#256

⇓

You know, that vertical line on the side gives your body good length.

#257

⇓

Do you work here? What... Nah.

#258

⇓

I'm just looking to meet some... some new guys.

#259

⇓

I saw you from across the way. And I thought, yeah.

#260

⇓

This guy's got a good sense of style. He's about the same age.

#261

⇓

Got a nice crop of blond hair. We could definitely use a blond in the crew.

#262

⇓

Mix things up a little bit. Here. Why don't you just, uh...

#263

⇓

take a look at that flyer there.

#264

⇓

Is this a penis?

#265

⇓

A... penis? No. It's a...

#266

⇓

It's a bicep. Oh.

#267

⇓

Yeah, yeah. Oh, right. "Party mansion. "

#268

⇓

Exactly. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, I'll swing by.

#269

⇓

You'll swing by? Yeah, sure.

#270

⇓

Okay, yeah. Just come by the address. We'll be there partying.

#271

⇓

Sure. Yeah, at the party mansion. You're gonna be perfect, man.

#272

⇓

Yeah. Nice.

#273

⇓

See ya there.

#274

⇓

I should give him more for his friends.

#275

⇓

Yeah.

#276

⇓

Oh, son of a bitch!

#277

⇓

Penis? No. It's a... a bicep. Bro.

#278

⇓

I just had the most perfect blond guy slip right through my fingers.

#279

⇓

I mean, I had him in the palm of my hand, and then he was gone.

#280

⇓

You know what I mean? I mean, this guy would've been perfect for you.

#281

⇓

What's up with this beefcake? Is he coming to the party or what?

#282

⇓

Big time. Great.

#283

⇓

Nah, he didn't read the flyer. No, I read the flyer.

#284

⇓

He didn't understand it. I understood it... perfectly.

#285

⇓

Oh! Okay.

#286

⇓

Okay, we need to take a second look at this flyer. Uh, yeah, dude.

#287

⇓

Guys! Check out who I just met buying a crossbow.

#288

⇓

This dude is the shit. I shall use this crossbow to pierce my broken heart.

#289

⇓

Yeah.

#290

⇓

All right, dude.

#291

⇓

Dude, isn't that guy awesome or what? He's like a poet.

#292

⇓

That guy's not awesome. No.

#293

⇓

Dude, do you know how hard it is to find...

#294

⇓

a passionate guy like that these days... they don't make 'em anymore.

#295

⇓

You should've seen how passionate he got when I showed him the dick flyer.

#296

⇓

You knew? You knew that it was a dick?

#297

⇓

Well, yeah. I thought we changed it. I thought you guys were changing it.

#298

⇓

It was always... It was always meant to be a bicep. It was a bicep, bro.

#299

⇓

Well, then why did you cut it like... 'Cause it looks totally like a dick.

#300

⇓

I thought, all right, let's go with the dick thing. It's more masculine anyway.

#301

⇓

Good point. I mean, shit...

#302

⇓

If you want it to be a bicep, it needs more veins.

#303

⇓

I can't wear this.

#304

⇓

I gotta go home and get another costume.

#305

⇓

Come on. There's no time. Just sit down and shut up.

#306

⇓

And wait for Bruce to get back with the money.

#307

⇓

All right.

#308

⇓

But I can't promise that I'm not gonna go berserk...

#309

⇓

if he tries to give me Al DS again.

#310

⇓

He wasn't trying to give you Al DS. Jesus Christ!

#311

⇓

You're the one who's goin' on and on about staying in character.

#312

⇓

Yeah, you're right. You're right. Look, we can do this, okay?

#313

⇓

We just have to go along with whatever he throws at us. We're so close to that money.

#314

⇓

Yeah.

#315

⇓

Yeah? I'm not gonna blow the cover.

#316

⇓

Good. Pull your shit together, Seamus. All right.

#317

⇓

Surprise!

#318

⇓

These are some of my adopted children. Go ahead, guys.

#319

⇓

This is your new home.

#320

⇓

Ooh, Mac. Here come our guests. Come on.

#321

⇓

Okay. Okay. How did you get these guys again?

#322

⇓

Oh, they're college kids. I just went down to Penn.

#323

⇓

I reeled them in with a couple of white lies. Put your game face on, buddy.

#324

⇓

We got a legacy to preserve. Okay.

#325

⇓

Here we go.

#326

⇓

Welcome to the party mansion, bitches!

#327

⇓

Get your asses in here!

#328

⇓

Look at that shit, huh? Yeah!

#329

⇓

Where is everybody? Where are all the chicks?

#330

⇓

Guess what. It's just you and us. That's right!

#331

⇓

We got the party mansion to ourselves!

#332

⇓

There ain't no rules in the party mansion! That's right.

#333

⇓

Check this out, bitches! Whoo!

#334

⇓

Oh, yeah, baby! Nice one!

#335

⇓

Let's stop being pussies, and let's funnel some beers! Let's funnel some beers!

#336

⇓

I don't really drink. Wrong answer, bitch! You're a drinker tonight!

#337

⇓

That's right. You guys are gonna be telling stories...

#338

⇓

for the rest of your lives about how crazy we are! Oh, yeah.

#339

⇓

You're gonna tell everybody how we're like those guys from Jackass.

#340

⇓

How we like to smash stuff and shove shit up our asses. That's right!

#341

⇓

You are gonna get so much shit shoved up your ass tonight, four eyes!

#342

⇓

Yeah! You're gonna be talking about this night for the rest of your lives!

#343

⇓

"Dear Diary, the dance was a total disaster.

#344

⇓

"I cried myself to sleep again last night.

#345

⇓

Oh! "Mom forced me to wear the back brace.

#346

⇓

And all the school chanted "aluminum monster!"'

#347

⇓

Oh... Oh, man!

#348

⇓

"Aluminum monster. " That is hilarious.

#349

⇓

No! Oh, it's not hilarious!

#350

⇓

I share this little girl's pain.

#351

⇓

Have you ever been scorned, Charlie?

#352

⇓

Uh, like all day, every day, dude.

#353

⇓

Then you should think of this little girl as your soul mate of pain.

#354

⇓

Oh, shit, bro.

#355

⇓

Babysitting a bunch of orphans was not part of our grift.

#356

⇓

Yeah. Well, it's either that or digging up Mom...

#357

⇓

which, for the record, I am still very into.

#358

⇓

But I'm willing to do whatever we need to do to get this money, Frank.

#359

⇓

Okay? If we need to adopt a couple of orphans, fine.

#360

⇓

We'll get the money, and we'll take them back. Oh...

#361

⇓

Can you do that? Is that possible?

#362

⇓

I don't know. I'm sure they have some kind of a return exchange policy.

#363

⇓

That sounds good.

#364

⇓

Great. Now this one's sad. Give...

#365

⇓

Give her some money. What?

#366

⇓

Frank, give her some money. I'm not giving her shit! What are you talking about?

#367

⇓

May I speak to you two in the kitchen?

#368

⇓

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

#369

⇓

You two have such a great vibe! I'm ready to write a check right now.

#370

⇓

But I just want to make sure that I'm helping you...

#371

⇓

to have, like, the best relationship that you can...

#372

⇓

so that these kids have a loving, stable home.

#373

⇓

And I know that this may sound a little weird.

#374

⇓

But I have a lot of training in family therapy.

#375

⇓

And I think for me to help you...

#376

⇓

I need to observe you at your most intimate.

#377

⇓

I need to observe you two making love.

#378

⇓

Uh... Uh...

#379

⇓

How long's your boy been passed out, bro?

#380

⇓

I don't know. A couple of minutes.

#381

⇓

I'm just worried he's gonna wake up before we throw him down those stairs.

#382

⇓

You kidding me? Look at him. He's gone.

#383

⇓

Man, he's out. You're kidding, right?

#384

⇓

You're not really gonna throw him down the stairs. Oh!

#385

⇓

We should throw him off the roof! Right? Great idea, dude.

#386

⇓

I'm the thrower. That's fine.

#387

⇓

Why are you guys doing this? That's what friends do to each other, bro.

#388

⇓

No, it isn't! Guy, his mom just died.

#389

⇓

Can you have a little compassion? My mom just died, all right?

#390

⇓

The least you could do is let us throw your buddy off the roof!

#391

⇓

"I'm totally gonna tell Eric how much I like him tonight.

#392

⇓

"Even though Danielle...

#393

⇓

"was like all over him today in school.

#394

⇓

"Mother said, "Don't bother.

#395

⇓

He wants a pretty girl instead. "'

#396

⇓

I can't stop crying, Ernesto.

#397

⇓

Hey, me neither, Charlie.

#398

⇓

Oh, but don't fight it, Charlie! No!

#399

⇓

It is all part of the healing process.

#400

⇓

So tell me, how do you two usually begin your lovemaking sessions?

#401

⇓

That's hard to say, you know?

#402

⇓

Because we start it in so many... ways.

#403

⇓

Seamus, perhaps...

#404

⇓

perhaps you should start by, uh, kissing her neck lightly.

#405

⇓

Uh, no.

#406

⇓

No, because, uh, we don't kiss. We don't kiss.

#407

⇓

At all. No kissing. Mmmmm.

#408

⇓

That's unusual, but okay.

#409

⇓

Okay. Just tell me w...

#410

⇓

Just tell me what you are into.

#411

⇓

I like to watch. So I'm gonna bounce off the bed...

#412

⇓

and observe.

#413

⇓

Okay. Okay.

#414

⇓

See... You see what just happened, Dee?

#415

⇓

Seamus has just communicated what turns him on in a healthy way.

#416

⇓

Heh. So... Yeah.

#417

⇓

Perhaps now would be a good time for you to pleasure yourself for him.

#418

⇓

Hmm. Then eventually Seamus will mount you.

#419

⇓

Okay. You know what?

#420

⇓

I'm gonna have to stop this. Really?

#421

⇓

Uh, yeah. Yeah?

#422

⇓

I'm gonna come clean here because we've been lying to you.

#423

⇓

Deandra... Deandra, just... No.

#424

⇓

Think about what you're doing. No. You know what? I'm sorry.

#425

⇓

We've been lying. And the reason is...

#426

⇓

Think... we haven't had sex yet...

#427

⇓

because we're waiting until we get married.

#428

⇓

We're waiting. We're saving ourselves.

#429

⇓

We're saving ourselves! Saving ourselves.

#430

⇓

It's so important to me and to him... Yeah, we couldn't do it.

#431

⇓

To do that. Yeah. Right.

#432

⇓

And I... And I... And I think that maybe that's what the tension...

#433

⇓

is that you're feeling. It's all sexual.

#434

⇓

Oh, it's so sexual. You know, I'm also a licensed minister.

#435

⇓

So why don't we just do a wedding? Like do it tomorrow?

#436

⇓

Hmm! Because I've been thinking about it.

#437

⇓

And I should never give the money to an unmarried couple anyway.

#438

⇓

Okay. Okay.

#439

⇓

Family and friends, we're gathered here...

#440

⇓

to... to share in the declaration of a lifelong commitment...

#441

⇓

between this man and this woman.

#442

⇓

Deandra, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

#443

⇓

I do. Seamus...

#444

⇓

do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?

#445

⇓

You bet ya.

#446

⇓

Well, then by the authority of God...

#447

⇓

and the laws of the great state of Pennsylvania...

#448

⇓

I now pronounce you man and wife.

#449

⇓

Congratulations, Deandra! You made me so happy.

#450

⇓

Yeah. And you just married your daughter, Frank.

#451

⇓

You know who I am? Of course I know who you are.

#452

⇓

You're the little asswipe who raised my children...

#453

⇓

and turned them into animals, into monsters who...

#454

⇓

who lie and steal and take advantage of people...

#455

⇓

and contribute absolutely nothing to society.

#456

⇓

Make sure you're getting this. Yeah, yeah.

#457

⇓

I can't believe Ernesto's missing this! He's gotta see it. Go get him.

#458

⇓

If you knew who he was, then why did you do the whole ceremony?

#459

⇓

I was just trying to push you two to your limit.

#460

⇓

But apparently you... you have none. So...

#461

⇓

I... I hate to interrupt. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

#462

⇓

Uh, Bruce? Can you... Can you just pronounce them man and wife again?

#463

⇓

I wanna get that in a close-up. Again? You wanna...

#464

⇓

Do the thing where you're like, "And, yes, of course I know who you are. "

#465

⇓

And you were getting so angry, Bruce. Oh, yeah!

#466

⇓

Bruce, can you make 'em kiss this time, though? Yes. Uh, sure.

#467

⇓

May I... May I see the camera for just a second from this side maybe?

#468

⇓

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh...

#469

⇓

I'm gonna take this and give it to the lawyer, and you're gonna lose the house...

#470

⇓

because, uh, you violated the conditions of the will.

#471

⇓

Frank was not to set foot in the house!

#472

⇓

Bruce, come on, man. D Dad, be cool, man. Like, let that slide.

#473

⇓

You are acting like a real bastard, Bruce. That's ridiculous.

#474

⇓

You're the most horrible people alive.

#475

⇓

Oh, come on. Oh, that's a little bit going overboard.

#476

⇓

That's a lot. That's a lot to say. Come on. Don't be like that.

#477

⇓

Now I'm gonna lose the party mansion. Thanks a lot, Frank!

#478

⇓

Whoa, guys! Guys, where you going? Whoa, whoa! Hey!

#479

⇓

How did they get free? Oh, come on! We were just having a little fun!

#480

⇓

You guys still wanna be in our crew? I don't think so.

#481

⇓

I don't think they're gonna go off and tell...

#482

⇓

about our great adventures and our glorious triumphs. It doesn't seem like it.

#483

⇓

No. Well, at least we still have Ernesto. Yeah, whoops.

#484

⇓

No, no. He robbed your house.

#485

⇓

Oh, son of a bitch. Yeah.

#486

⇓

Ah, I'm sorry that the grift didn't work out, sweetie.

#487

⇓

We could still go get Mom's jewelry. I'll get the shovel.

#488

⇓

#489

⇓