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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E11 — Mac and Charlie Write a Movie

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 11 — Mac and Charlie Write a Movie

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Mac and Charlie Write a Movie

Air date: December 03, 2009

Director: Randall Einhorn

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

When Dee gets a part in the new M. Night Shyamalan film, Mac and Charlie seize a chance to pitch their movie script.

Source: TMDB

↓

Now keep in mind,

mind

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we've been locked in this parking garage stairwell for, like, 20 minutes, dude.

garage locked minutes parking stairwell

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Okay, so then we turn around, and what do we see?

↓

A scary homeless dude. And I'm, like, "Oh, shit! " Yeah! And I'm like, uh...

homeless scary

↓

You know- I'm like, "What do we- What do we do?" You know?

↓

And then Mac, he's just like, "Just chill. " And I'm like, "How do we chill, dude?"

chill

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Yeah. And I'm all, "Oh, shit! He's gonna talk now!"

↓

Yeah. And I'm all like, "How do you know he's gonna talk, bro?"

↓

And I'm like, "Because his mouth is opening. " And then he did talk.

mouth opening

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Yeah. And then he goes- he goes, "I'll let you out of the stairwell...

stairwell

↓

'cause I have the key, because I'm the security guard instead."

guard security security-guard

↓

That's a cool story, huh? Yeah, right?

cool story

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Okay, so, uh...

↓

Just so I'm clear on the story that you just told. Yeah.

clear story

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It was about you guys getting locked in a garage stairwell for 20 or so minutes.

garage locked minutes stairwell

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Yeah. And then a security guard came along...

along guard security security-guard

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and the security guard let you out.

guard security security-guard

↓

Well, yeah. But...

↓

I mean, it's how you tell the story that makes it good.

makes story

↓

How you told the story was by far the worst part of the story.

part story worst worst-part

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You weren't even paying attention to us, dude.

attention paying paying-attention

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All you were doing was playing on that stupid phone.

phone playing stupid

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Why are you rubbing on the phone? Let me rub on it.

phone rubbing

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What are you doing? No, no, no! Hey, hey, Frank!

frank

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Get your greasy, fat, sausage fingers of my touch screen phone.

fingers greasy phone sausage screen touch

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This thing's new. My fingers are not greasy.

fingers greasy

↓

Uh, you have four sausage links in your pocket right now.

four links pocket sausage

↓

Yeah, but I don't touch the sausage links.

links sausage touch

↓

Why should I do that when I can let my shirt do the work? Watch.

shirt watch

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Hmm. No touching, and warm. My God. You're an animal.

animal touching warm

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Guess what, boners. I just got a part in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

boners movie night part shyamalan

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- What? - Yeah. I'm a featured actress,

actress featured

↓

which means I'm gonna be featured in a scene.

featured scene

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What's an M. Night? Wow. Gross.

gross night

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M. Night Shyamalan, the Indian filmmaker from Philly.

indian night philly shyamalan

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Oh, my God. This dude's a big deal, Frank.

deal dudes frank

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He's like a true-to-life Slumdog Millionaire. You know what I mean?

life millionaire slumdog

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He always puts some awesome twists at the end of his movies to trick the audience.

audience awesome movies trick twists

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Oh, yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense.

sense sixth sixth-sense

↓

You find out that the dude in that hairpiece the whole time...

whole

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- That's Bruce Willis- the whole movie. - That's not the twist.

bruce movie twist whole whole-movie

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That's not the twist to that movie. That wasn't?

movie twist

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No. I'll tell you about it later.

↓

There were a lot of twists in that movie. Watch it again.

movie twists watch

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You know what? You're gonna need a very crafty agent...

agent

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to squeeze everything out of this slumdog.

slumdog squeeze

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I volunteer. And I decline.

decline volunteer

↓

You are abusive and you smell like warm meat...

abusive meat smell warm

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and I want you to leave me alone 'cause this is really important for me.

alone

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This is important for all of us, okay?

↓

This is an opportunity for Charlie and I to get M. Night our script.

charlie night opportunity script

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Right. Since when do you and Charlie have a script?

charlie script

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Since you walked in here and said you were in that movie. We're great storytellers.

movie walked

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No, goddamn it! No, come on. Don't involve yourselves in this.

goddamn goddamn-it involve yourselves

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Dee, you involved us in this the second you walked in and told us about the movie.

involved movie second walked

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You really shouldn't have done that. Let's get to work!

↓

Oh, oh, hoo!

↓

Let's get some beer. Dude. Yeah!

beer

↓

Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

Whoa, whoa. Excuse me. Can I help you?

excuse whoa whoa-whoa

↓

Oh, great. Nonfat, sugar free, vanilla soy latte. Three shots, no foam.

foam free latte shots sugar three vanilla

↓

Also, why don't you let me in here so I can start my vocal warm-ups?

start vocal warm

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I'm sorry. Who are you again? Dee Reynolds, featured actress.

actress featured reynolds

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Reynolds? Yeah.

reynolds

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And could you send M. Night over also,

night send

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because I have a couple questions regarding the detes of my character.

character couple couple-questions questions regarding

↓

Right. Says you're a featured extra.

extra featured

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Okay. Well, featured extra, featured actress. What's the difference?

actress difference extra featured

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Well, the difference is...

difference

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a featured actress usually auditions for the role, has lines, gets a trailer,

actress auditions featured lines role trailer usually

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whereas a featured extra is a person whose head shot we pull off a pile,

extra featured head person pile pull shot whereas

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has no lines and sits in that tent over there till we're ready for her.

lines ready sits tent till

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Okay? Mmm. Okay. Ah, ah, ah, ah...

↓

Where are we on the coffee situation,

coffee situation

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because it's early and I am hungover.

early hungover

↓

Go sit in the tent. Now. This tent?

tent

↓

That one. Thank you. Are you sure?

↓

This is hard. Mmm.

hard

↓

I mean, because I want the movie to be big, you know, and, like, a box office smash...

movie office smash

↓

and we want to put, like, a lot of meat in the seats, you know?

meat seats

↓

Yeah. You know what I'm thinking, dude? You know what I'm thinking?

thinking

↓

Something that's happening in Hollywood that's, like, pretty cool.

cool hollywood

↓

They take an underrated actor, right, whose career is in a slump,

actor career

↓

and then they make him a star again.

star

↓

Oh, that is awesome, right? Yeah, let's do that. Yeah.

awesome

↓

Yeah. So, who is the most underrated actor of all time?

actor

↓

- It's Dolph Lundgren. - Correct. Why?

correct dolph dolph-lundgren lundgren

↓

Well, because of his spiky hair, his ice-cold demeanor and his big muscles.

cold hair muscles

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Absolutely. Okay. All right. All right, so we have our actor.

absolutely actor

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- Okay. - That's great. Now we need a really great role for him.

role

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Oh, you know what I was thinking? Scientists are cool.

cool scientists thinking

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What if he's a scientist?

scientist

↓

Okay, okay. A muscular scientist. I'm into that. Right.

muscular scientist

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As long as we don't cover up that body with a lab coat, bro. No, dude.

body coat cover

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He's wearing, like, a hot mesh tank top.

mesh tank wearing

↓

I like that. Now does he, like, fight crime or something?

crime fight

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. He fights crime, uh, with his brain and his brawn.

brain crime fights

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Should we be writing this down? Let's get all this down.

writing

↓

All right. This is good. All right.

↓

Okay. Brains- Brawn...

brains

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Brawn- Muscles...

muscles

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Oh! Dude! Yeah?

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I just got a Shyamalan twist to put in this bad boy.

shyamalan twist

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Okay. Lay it on me.

↓

What if this scientist runs around on all fours?

fours runs scientist

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Why would he run on all fours?

fours

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It's a science experiment with a dog that goes absolutely haywire.

absolutely experiment science

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Suddenly he wakes up with the ability to run around like a hound. You know?

ability hound suddenly wakes

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We're not making the lead of our big-budget action movie half dog!

action budget half lead movie

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No, not half dog. He's all dog.

half

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Then why are we casting Dolph Lundgren?

casting dolph dolph-lundgren lundgren

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That will be the twist.

twist

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Dolph Lundgren will be the voice of this dog.

dolph dolph-lundgren lundgren voice

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That's not a twist! That's a completely different movie...

completely movie twist

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about a talking-dog scientist with the voice of Dolph Lundgren!

dolph dolph-lundgren lundgren scientist voice

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All right. You know what? Check this out.

check

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What if it's a man with a few dog-like qualities, like, uh, heightened sense of smell...

qualities sense smell

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Jesus Christ, Charlie. We're not- There's no- or licking...

charlie christ christ-charlie jesus jesus-christ jesus-christ-charlie licking

↓

Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. A heightened sense of smell?

second sense smell whoa whoa-whoa

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What if he can smell crime?

crime smell

↓

What if he smells crime?

crime smells smells-crime

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Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude! Yeah?

↓

What if he can smell a crime before it even happens?

crime happens smell

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Holy shit, dude. That's amazing. Smells crime before it even happens!

amazing crime happens holy smells smells-crime

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Yes, dude!

↓

We're getting somewhere. What if his entire head is just one big nose?

entire head nose

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Write that down! I like that!

write

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He's one big nose on Dolph Lundgren's body.

body dolph nose

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Oh, shit!

↓

Ho! What?

↓

No. No, no, no, no, no. What are you two doing here?

↓

Well, since you've declined my offer to be your agent,

agent declined offer

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I've since taken on Dennis as a client.

client dennis taken

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Dennis has that "I don't give a shit" attitude,

attitude dennis

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which is perfect for Hollywood, right, Dennis?

dennis hollywood perfect

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I-I- I really don't care. See? See?

care

↓

Why do you want to be everybody's agent?

agent everybodys

↓

Because that's where the money is. What do you do?

money

↓

You just put things together. You sit back, you collect 10%...

collect

↓

and you let the client do all the work.

client

↓

Dennis doesn't give a shit. Right?

dennis

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Stop talking to me. Perfect.

perfect

↓

Okay. Well, you can't just walk in here and get a part in the movie.

movie part walk

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It's not how it works.

works

↓

Excuse me, sir? Yes?

excuse

↓

Uh, could my client have a part in your movie? Sure. Here.

client movie part

↓

Fill out this form. You do it.

fill form

↓

I'll do it. Unbelievable!

unbelievable

↓

Hold on a second. Hey, hey. Assistant, hey.

assistant second

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Hi. When is somebody gonna tell me what my part is?

part somebody

↓

What is your name again? Dee Reynolds. I'm your featured... extra.

extra featured name reynolds

↓

Right. You're a corpse.

corpse

↓

A corpse? Mm-hmm.

corpse

↓

Like a... zombie roaming through the streets looking for brains kind of corpse?

brains corpse looking roaming streets zombie

↓

No. Like a dead corpse. Just a dead corpse?

corpse dead

↓

Lifeless body lying in the street. Okay. All right.

body lying street

↓

We'll call you when we're ready for makeup. I know, but...

makeup ready

↓

Hold on a second. I have one more- Don't be- Don't walk away from me.

second walk

↓

He just- He'll be back. Dee.

↓

Jesus, you come off so desperate.

desperate jesus

↓

Oh! Hollywood! Hollywood! Hollywood!

hollywood

↓

No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! Hey, guys.

↓

Get out of here! What is that? What are you guys doing here?

↓

We in a Hollywood situation! Yeah.

hollywood situation

↓

- Dennis just got a part in the movie. - Sweet, dude. Bump it.

bump dennis movie part sweet

↓

- Uh- - Not gonna? All right.

↓

So, uh- So where's the slumdog? We're ready for him.

ready slumdog

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- You finished the script already? - No, not exactly.

finished script

↓

Yeah, we, uh- We didn't want to get locked into anything,

locked

↓

so we came up with a pitch instead.

pitch

↓

It's more like a series of ideas in no particular order, you know?

ideas order particular series

↓

Yeah. We'll work out the kinks later.

kinks

↓

So you hit a brick wall, huh? Yeah. Uh...

brick brick-wall wall

↓

Mmm. Dennis can help you with that.

dennis

↓

He is good at coming up with awesome words. I wouldn't rule it out.

awesome coming rule words

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You have to sign him on as a producer. That okay?

producer sign

↓

Dennis? You want to be a producer? Yeah.

dennis producer

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- Sorry. - All right. We'll work out the detes later, man.

↓

But maybe we gotta find, like, a cooler place?

cooler place

↓

Could we get a place with some A.C. going?

place

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Let's have a meeting and some A. C., man. Leave it to me.

meeting

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All right. You guys got 30 seconds. Blow my mind.

blow mind seconds

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Okay, okay, okay, okay. Oh, oh, oh.

↓

Guys, guys. It's the prequel to The Sixth Sense.

sense sixth sixth-sense

↓

The Fifth Sense. The sense of smell.

fifth sense smell

↓

Imagine a super ripped,

imagine ripped super

↓

super smart scientist in a mesh tank top...

mesh scientist smart super tank

↓

named Dr. Dolph Lundgren.

dolph dolph-lundgren lundgren named

↓

No. That's- That's not his name.

name

↓

He's played by Dolph Lundgren, but that's not the character's name.

characters dolph dolph-lundgren lundgren name played

↓

It could be the character's name. No, that's...

characters name

↓

A doctor played by Dolph Lundgren named Dolph Lundgren?

doctor dolph dolph-lundgren lundgren named played

↓

Yeah! That's confusing, dude.

confusing

↓

More confusing than making up an entirely new name for a person?

confusing entirely name person

↓

That's gonna confuse people. I'm taking over. I'm taking over.

confuse

↓

- You are losing me. - Okay. Okay. All right, all right, all right.

losing

↓

Imagine a super smart, ripped scientist played by Dolph Lundgren,

dolph dolph-lundgren imagine lundgren played ripped scientist smart super

↓

who, after a terrible accident in his lab, blows off his nose!

accident blows nose

↓

After reconstructive surgery, he soon realizes that he smells something that stinks...

realizes reconstructive smells stinks surgery

↓

This doctor smells crime?

crime doctor smells smells-crime

↓

Possibly also runs around like a hound. No! He doesn't run...

hound possibly runs

↓

I'm just saying, don't rule it out. It's possible- I didn't agree to that.

agree possible rule

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It's not in any of our notes. He might run around like a hound. What do you think?

hound might notes

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Okay, uh- All right. First things first.

↓

You guys gotta type some of this shit out and get organized, for Christ's sakes.

christs christs-sakes organized sakes type

↓

Get your shit together. Come on. I mean, that's ridiculous.

ridiculous

↓

Now in terms of the story, uh, clearly it's brilliant. It's amazing.

amazing brilliant story terms

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Great idea. Brilliant idea. Thank you.

brilliant brilliant-idea idea

↓

But there is one critical element that's missing.

critical element missing

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It needs a sexual punch-up.

needs punch sexual

↓

We need to get a female lead character in there...

character female lead

↓

that Dolph can bang throughout the whole movie.

bang dolph movie throughout whole whole-movie

↓

Yeah. I kind of hate women though. Oh.

hate hate-women women

↓

I feel like they just slow action movies down too. Right, dude.

action movies slow

↓

No, Mac. See, you're dead wrong on that. You're dead wrong.

dead

↓

See, one of the problems with Shyamalan's movies is that they lack a certain eroticism.

certain eroticism lack movies problems

↓

What if we were to bring, uh,

bring

↓

an incredibly hot but skeptical female lab partner into the mix?

female incredibly partner skeptical

↓

And then that way, whenever Dolph's not out busting heads because he's smelled crime,

busting crime heads smelled

↓

he's back at the lab performing outrageous sexual experiments...

outrageous performing sexual

↓

on her supple, young body.

body supple young

↓

Now here's the twist. And there is a twist.

twist

↓

We show it.

↓

We show all of it.

↓

Because what's the one major thing missing from all action movies these days, guys?

action days major missing movies

↓

Full penetration.

full full-penetration penetration

↓

Guys, we're gonna show full penetration,

full full-penetration penetration

↓

and we're gonna show a lot of it.

↓

I mean, we're talking, you know, graphic scenes of Dolph Lundgren...

dolph dolph-lundgren graphic lundgren scenes

↓

really going to town on this hot, young lab tech...

tech town young

↓

from behind, 69, anal, vaginal, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl...

anal behind cowgirl reverse reverse-cowgirl vaginal

↓

All the hits. All the big ones. All the good ones.

hits ones

↓

And then he smells crime again. He's out busting heads.

busting crime heads smells smells-crime

↓

Then he's back to the lab for some more full penetration.

full full-penetration penetration

↓

He smells crime. Back to the lab, full penetration.

crime full full-penetration penetration smells smells-crime

↓

Crime, penetration, crime, full penetration, crime, penetration.

crime full full-penetration penetration

↓

And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes...

forth minutes

↓

until the movie just sort of ends.

ends movie

↓

That is brilliant!

brilliant

↓

That is the most brilliant movie I've ever heard in my life.

brilliant heard life movie

↓

I think audiences are gonna be very uncomfortable seeing Dolph Lundgren's naked penis...

audiences dolph naked penis seeing uncomfortable

↓

going into this young girl that you're talking about.

girl young young-girl

↓

Yeah. Just to be clear, though, I don't care either way.

care clear

↓

Well, it was worth it, you know- 30 seconds.

seconds worth

↓

Because we got the chick thing out of it, so this is good. Yeah, 30 seconds.

chick seconds

↓

Okay. All right. Well, maybe we should type this stuff up,

stuff type

↓

and then, Frank, we'll be in touch. Get it all together.

frank touch

↓

We'll type it up. We'll get another thing going.

another type

↓

And think about the representation thing. Definitely, dude. Definitely.

representation

↓

Okay. You don't have to rep him. You could just rep me.

↓

All right. Let me just get all this stuff.

stuff

↓

We're not a writing team. Okay. Are we good?

team writing

↓

Yeah. We're good. Okay.

↓

Okay, we good? Go ahead, Charlie.

ahead charlie go-ahead

↓

Okay. And we'll get- we'll get the...

↓

Frank, I write better without him. Seriously. We'll talk about it.

frank write

↓

You know? Okay.

↓

Okay, cool.

cool

↓

The Fifth Sense. Here we go. Here we go.

fifth sense

↓

Write-Write- Write a couple words. The...

couple words write

↓

Fifth- Dude, go faster.

faster fifth

↓

Hold on. Hold on. I can't- Go faster.

faster

↓

Ah! I got it in my head.

head

↓

I just- I can't type it fast enough. You can't type it at all.

fast type

↓

If I could type more better, then I think it would come out faster.

faster type

↓

Maybe we should get somebody else who can type. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

somebody type

↓

Look at her, dude.

↓

Might be good to have an older lady in the mix, right, sort of a workhorse secretary?

lady might older secretary

↓

Yeah- I don't care for her demographic. I find them judgmental.

care judgmental

↓

Mmm. You know what I mean?

↓

Mm-hmm. We need someone more our...

↓

Hello.

↓

Check out this one over here. Does he look Indian to you?

check indian

↓

Oh, yes, dude.

↓

It would be great to have an Indian in our corner, right?

corner indian

↓

Oh, my God. They're natural storytellers. They're great with twists.

natural twists

↓

- Uh- Psst! Psst! - Dude!

psst

↓

- Uh, where are you from? - Baltimore.

baltimore

↓

Right, right. Baltimore, sure.

baltimore

↓

- Where are your parents from? - Jersey.

jersey parents

↓

Oh. All right. Getting nowhere here.

↓

Uh, you're so- Yeah, well, uh...

↓

Is anyone in your family from India? Mmm.

family india

↓

- Pakistan. - Pakistan. Now that's...

↓

Well, isn't- a country somewhere, so...

country

↓

What's the difference between that and- Yeah, what is...

difference

↓

Well, they're right next to each other, both countries.

countries

↓

That's perfect. Perfect.

perfect

↓

That's close enough, dude. There's probably a lot of going back and forth.

close forth

↓

Yeah, Pakistanis are probably great with twists too, in their own kind of way, you know?

twists

↓

Great. How'd you like to be in the movie business?

business howd movie

↓

Ma'am, how you doing on makeup in there? We're ready.

maam makeup ready

↓

Well, I'm okay, but I feel like maybe they used a little too much blood.

blood used

↓

Ma'am, we need to move here. Let's go. Let's go.

maam

↓

My gut feeling is they went a little overboard.

feeling overboard

↓

I mean, can you even tell that it's me? Yeah. It's perfect.

perfect

↓

- We just need to pair you up with a husband for the shot. - Husband?

husband pair shot

↓

Yeah. How about this guy right here?

↓

That'll work. That'll work.

thatll

↓

Whoa! Great.

whoa

↓

Holy shit, Dee. This is like...

holy

↓

Wow. I could barely tell that was you.

barely

↓

- I mean, did they dip you by your heels into the blood? - That's ridiculous.

blood heels ridiculous

↓

That looks so stupid. Uh...

stupid

↓

Frank had 'em go a little more subtle with me, so you could see my face.

face frank subtle

↓

This? This is it? Yeah.

↓

How the hell did you manage that?

manage

↓

No, I'm working my ass of. Corpses, let's go now!

corpses working

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on, go on, go on.

↓

Go on. Go on, will ya? Whatever.

↓

Go ahead.

ahead go-ahead

↓

Everybody focus. Get down now.

everybody focus

↓

Very simple shot. Lot to do today. Lot to do.

shot simple today

↓

I need all corpses lying down. We are losing light, people. Let's go.

corpses light losing lying

↓

- I need you to turn over. I need you face down. - Face down?

face

↓

Yes. No, 'cause then you won't be able to see my face.

able face

↓

Face down or in the pile of bodies over there. You pick it.

bodies face pick pile

↓

- Face down. - That's what I thought. All right. Energy. Energy.

energy face

↓

But you're dead. Dead energy. Dead energy. Here we go.

dead dead-dead energy

↓

I get it. I get it. Okay, so he's on the edge of this cliff...

cliff edge

↓

throwing his nose off into the ocean because he's at the happiest point of his life.

happiest life nose ocean point throwing

↓

No, no, no, no, no, no. This is the scientist's lowest point in the movie.

lowest movie point scientists

↓

Okay. Here. He throws his nose of the cliff into the ocean...

cliff nose ocean throws

↓

because he's- he's rejecting his life as a savior of all of mankind.

life mankind savior

↓

Oh, I finally just got it.

finally

↓

Oh, bro, that is...

↓

Bro, that is- That's nice.

↓

Deep shit, man. That's awesome.

awesome deep

↓

That's awesome. It's nice.

awesome

↓

- Where are you landing on the full penetration? - I'm into it. Big time.

full full-penetration landing penetration

↓

The Injun says yes- Snaking around.

↓

So that's what we're doing, I guess. It's done. It's on.

↓

But, but, but- I-I- I mean, the title?

title

↓

Oh, yeah. The title. Title sucks.

sucks title

↓

It's stupid, yeah. Come on.

stupid

↓

Title sucks, right? The Fifth Sense?

fifth sense sucks title

↓

I mean, stupid. Well, yeah.

stupid

↓

- Who came up- Who came up with that? - Uh...

↓

Stupid. Come on, man.

stupid

↓

So stupid. You kidding?

kidding stupid

↓

So why don't you type out this whole movie real quick,

movie quick real real-quick type whole whole-movie

↓

and we'll go sell it to Shyamalan. Yeah.

sell shyamalan

↓

Oh, no. I don't write. I'm a big picture kind of guy.

picture write

↓

You don't write. You don't... write.

write

↓

Oh.

↓

- Hello? - Dennis, hey.

dennis

↓

We hit a wall on the pitch. Uh, what pitch is that, man?

pitch wall

↓

- The pitch of the movie that you're a producer on. - Oh, yeah. That thing. Yeah.

movie pitch producer

↓

- What's up with that? - We realized that none of us are writers,

realized writers

↓

so we decided to play to our strengths and make a poster.

decided poster strengths

↓

What tells a person about a movie better than a picture of what the movie is?

movie person picture tells

↓

What are your thoughts?

thoughts

↓

What are my thoughts? My thoughts are that's brilliant.

brilliant thoughts

↓

I think it's cool. Cut!

cool

↓

Huh? What are you doing?

↓

-Oh, shit. Were you guys rolling on that? -Yes. We were rolling on that.

rolling

↓

Do not talk on your phone during the shot.

phone shot

↓

Okay? And you, ma'am?

maam

↓

- Oh, me? - Do not roll over during the shot.

roll shot

↓

Oh, I know, but you know what? I thought about it.

↓

- I feel like it's better if I'm right side up. - Back over.

side

↓

"Back over! Face down on the hot cement!"

cement face

↓

- Let's roll it again, people. - "Yeah, again!"

roll

↓

Brains! Brains!

brains

↓

Cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! What the hell are you doing?

↓

Huh? You. Why are you saying "brains"? What...

brains

↓

Oh, 'cause it's a zombie movie. It's, like, the Shyamalan twist. I figured it out.

figured movie shyamalan twist zombie

↓

This is not a zombie movie. It's a movie about Serbian genocide.

genocide movie zombie

↓

Really? Huh.

↓

You! Sir! Yes, sir. Your phone, it's ringing.

phone ringing

↓

Oh, yeah. I know. But listen, man.

↓

If you don't let me answer it and solve my boys' problems, the phone's gonna ring.

answer boys phones problems ring solve

↓

You can't have it both ways. Can I talk or not?

ways

↓

Yeah. I gotta agree with him on that one, buddy.

agree buddy

↓

You're not being very clear. Which is it?

clear

↓

Turn your phone of! You, miss! Don't improvise! Let's go!

miss phone

↓

Okay! You know what? I have had about enough of you dicking me around all day.

dicking

↓

Okay? Where is M. Night? I have questions for him. Yeah.

night questions

↓

Oh, no. Mr. Shyamalan isn't directing this unit. This is a simple pickup shot.

directing pickup shot shyamalan simple unit

↓

Hold on a second. Hold on a second.

second

↓

Where the hell is M. Night? He's not here?

night

↓

No. What the hell's going on here?

hells

↓

- Well, he won't get of his phone, for starters. - Give me your phone, Dennis.

dennis phone starters

↓

What? Give me your phone.

phone

↓

All right. I heard that.

heard

↓

No, I'll tell you exactly what's going on.

↓

This guy's been treating me like a dickwad all day long,

treating

↓

and I don't appreciate it. Ha, ha, ha!

appreciate

↓

All right. I'm gonna fix it, hon. Thank you.

↓

Fire both of them and I'll take their spot. What?

fire spot

↓

- Done. You're both fired. - Hold on a second. What are you talking about, Frank?

fired frank second

↓

Being an agent is crap. I want to be an extra, lay around doing dick.

agent dick extra

↓

Great. Both of you, get your shit out of the tent. Get out of here.

tent

↓

All right, fine. Hey, give me my phone back, Frank. What?

frank phone

↓

Just to be clear, pal. I don't care about any of this.

care clear

↓

I got my own thing going on, so...

↓

I just gave you the old Shyamalan twist.

shyamalan twist

↓

Oh, maybe you did, maybe you didn't, but I'll tell you what.

↓

I don't care either.

care

↓

All right. What do I do?

↓

Hey-oh!

↓

Hey, where his he, dude? Where's Night?

night

↓

We got it! Dude, we totally got it.

↓

Brace yourself! Brace yourself!

brace

↓

Crime Stinks: The Smell of Penetration.

crime penetration smell stinks

↓

"He nose the truth."

nose truth

↓

Oh, okay, yeah. I get it. Get it?

↓

Yeah, I-I get it. Now, there is a lot going on there with- with Dolph.

dolph

↓

We had to make some artistic compromises. I think we're good with the body.

artistic body compromises

↓

Yeah, but it's a lovable character. It's a lovable guy.

character lovable

↓

You know, these are good compromises.

compromises

↓

Bottom line, M. Night's gonna love it. So where is he?

bottom bottom-line line love nights

↓

Night? Uh, well- Oh, he's not here.

night

↓

Jesus Christ, Dee. What happened to you?

christ happened jesus jesus-christ

↓

He brought in a "B" team or something like that,

brought team

↓

covered me all in blood.

blood covered

↓

That slumdog bastard twisted all of us!

bastard slumdog twisted

↓

Oh, shit, dude. We need him to execute our script. Yeah.

execute script

↓

Actually, you guys don't need Shyamalan to execute your script...

execute script shyamalan

↓

because I've got the mother of all Shyamalan twists in my hand right here.

hand mother shyamalan twists

↓

You see, you think I've just been playing with my phone the whole time,

phone playing whole

↓

but you're wrong.

↓

Been writing a little movie script of my own,

movie script writing

↓

and I finished it right before you guys called.

called finished

↓

It's a horror movie about two men trapped in a garage stairwell...

garage horror movie stairwell trapped

↓

who get hunted down by a psychotic, homeless killer...

homeless killer psychotic

↓

who turns out to be a security guard... instead.

guard security security-guard turns

↓

- That's our story, dude. - Damn right, it's your story.

story

↓

And that's why you two guys are gonna be attached as producers.

attached producers

↓

Nice, baby! Producers!

baby producers

↓

All right! I feel like that's...

↓

I'm a natural born producer. I love showbiz, dude. I love showbiz.

born love natural natural-born producer

↓

Uh, can I be in it? Uh, you know, normally, Dee,

normally

↓

I would take this opportunity to insult you,

insult opportunity

↓

but I'm gonna throw an insane twist your way.

insane throw twist

↓

You're gonna be the lead of the film. I am? Really?

film lead

↓

No, you're not. Twisted again! Boom! Try and keep up.

boom twisted

↓

Lot of twists. Lot of twists in this thing, so try and keep up.

twists

↓

There's so many twists, I can't even follow it.

follow twists

↓

It's tough to follow. I'm gonna pull up the first scene...

follow pull scene tough

↓

so you guys can get a taste of what else is going on in this film.

film taste

↓

Yeah. Lay us on it. It's really good.

↓

Uh- For some reason the phone is frozen- Lay it on us.

frozen phone reason

↓

And I'm having a little trouble pulling up the scene...

having pulling scene trouble

↓

And why is there grease all over...

grease

↓

Is this Frank's g- goddamn sausage grease?

franks goddamn grease sausage

↓

Frank, you froze my phone with your sausage greasy fingers!

fingers frank froze greasy phone sausage

↓

Frank, you son of a bitch!

bitch frank

↓

Cut! Cut! For the love of Christ!

christ love

↓

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