Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E10 — The D E N N I S System

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 10 — The D E N N I S System

So, how many restraining orders does the waitress have on you?

#1

⇓

A lot, dude. She's been irritated with me.

#2

⇓

"You got me fired from the Oldies Rock Café. Guys.

#3

⇓

You're gonna get me fired from the coffee shop. " This is incredible.

#4

⇓

Listen to this message. Come here. This chick is so in love with me, it's crazy.

#5

⇓

Hi, Dennis, it's Caylee.

#6

⇓

I was just calling to let you know that I hope you die!

#7

⇓

You are obviously a terrible person with no regard for anyone but yourself!

#8

⇓

I never, ever want to see you again, you steaming pile of horseshit!

#9

⇓

Go to hell!

#10

⇓

Whoa, that's amazing. That's the best one yet. Yeah, it's a really good one.

#11

⇓

What? She hates your guts.

#12

⇓

Dee, this chick is so in love with me, she doesn't even know it.

#13

⇓

They don't get it because you haven't explained it to them, bro.

#14

⇓

Oh, guys, I have a system, a foolproof system...

#15

⇓

for getting any chick's undying love and devotion for life.

#16

⇓

What the hell are you talking about, dude?

#17

⇓

I'm talking about the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.

#18

⇓

Ladies and gentlemen, the D.E.N.N.I.S. System...

#19

⇓

is a comprehensive approach to seduction that I have perfected over the years.

#20

⇓

See, my success with women does not solely stem from my good looks and my charm.

#21

⇓

There is a careful, systemic approach...

#22

⇓

that has allowed me to become the playboy that I am today.

#23

⇓

- A playboy? Is that how you see yourself? - Yes.

#24

⇓

He has banged a lot of chicks. Just shut up, Dee. Shut up.

#25

⇓

Now, the first step to any erotic conquest is to "D"- demonstrate your value.

#26

⇓

In this most recent case my subject was Caylee, a cute pharmacist.

#27

⇓

I demonstrated my value to her by filling a prescription.

#28

⇓

I told her, "It's for my grandmother. She's quite ill."

#29

⇓

Thus demonstrating my value as a loving grandson and an all-around great guy.

#30

⇓

- You're forging prescriptions now? - That's the easy part, Dee.

#31

⇓

I would've gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms,

#32

⇓

thus demonstrating that I have a monster dong.

#33

⇓

Right. That comes of a little bit desperate, Frank.

#34

⇓

Now, if you want to have a magnum condom peeking out of your wallet when you go to pay,

#35

⇓

that's a different story.

#36

⇓

- Oh, yeah. - Now let's move on.

#37

⇓

Once you've demonstrated your value, you are going to want to ask her out.

#38

⇓

Once you've asked her out, you move on to "E."

#39

⇓

"Engage physically."

#40

⇓

I personally try to engage the girl physically without ever going on the date,

#41

⇓

which to me is really just a waste of time and money.

#42

⇓

I'll tell her I know this great little restaurant that doesn't take reservations.

#43

⇓

That makes it sound cool, makes it sound exclusive.

#44

⇓

And then when we get to the restaurant, the restaurant is closed,

#45

⇓

as, of course, it always is on Sundays.

#46

⇓

So I'll feign surprise and say something along the lines of,

#47

⇓

"I guess we could grab a pizza and watch a movie at my place."

#48

⇓

That's where I come in. Oh, you're a part of this?

#49

⇓

Oh, yeah. Mac has a very special place in my system.

#50

⇓

Yeah. You see, I'm on the couch when they come in and ask to be alone.

#51

⇓

- Then I say- - I can't go in my room. I found a black widow spider in there.

#52

⇓

Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy so that they can get to know each other better.

#53

⇓

- And then I say- - Oh. Well, I guess we could eat the pizza on my bed...

#54

⇓

and watch the DVD in my room.

#55

⇓

And once we're on my bed, it is game over.

#56

⇓

I engage her physically and the sexual waltz begins.

#57

⇓

Pizza's good. You're the one that's good.

#58

⇓

Smooth! Very- Very smooth stuff. Very classy.

#59

⇓

I'm learning a lot from you right now, dude.

#60

⇓

Okay. Now, once you've had sex with a woman, she will naturally start to depend on you. Okay?

#61

⇓

All women do this.

#62

⇓

They certainly do. You got that right.

#63

⇓

Sex with women!

#64

⇓

Once you bang 'em, you know- Like that.

#65

⇓

Right. Right.

#66

⇓

Which brings me to the first "N."

#67

⇓

"Nurturing Dependence."

#68

⇓

You're gonna want to nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys.

#69

⇓

Have her car towed.

#70

⇓

Or you can slash her tires.

#71

⇓

Either way, make her depend on you for rides.

#72

⇓

Or you can use my personal go-to,

#73

⇓

which is to create a fictional, angry neighbor who is threatening her...

#74

⇓

and tell her you'll take care of him.

#75

⇓

Hit up a pay phone so that she can't trace the calls back to you.

#76

⇓

Give her a call and say something along the lines of...

#77

⇓

I'm watching you, you bitch. You're gonna die tonight!

#78

⇓

Oh, for Christ's sake! You're a complete sociopath!

#79

⇓

Don't interrupt. Okay?

#80

⇓

Now, if you've completed all the other steps properly up to this point,

#81

⇓

she'll naturally want to take the relationship to the next level.

#82

⇓

But you're not gonna do that. You're gonna do the exact opposite.

#83

⇓

Pull back, guys. Pull back.

#84

⇓

Which brings me to the second "N," "Neglect Emotionally."

#85

⇓

You stop taking her phone calls.

#86

⇓

Cancel all your plans.

#87

⇓

Maybe that fictional, angry neighbor that you've simulated comes back,

#88

⇓

and this time you're not around to cool him off.

#89

⇓

Hello?

#90

⇓

Welcome to hell!

#91

⇓

This will frighten the shit out of her.

#92

⇓

Okay? And she'll start getting really mixed up because you're not there to protect her.

#93

⇓

She'll start questioning her self-worth,

#94

⇓

start questioning her- her self-esteem.

#95

⇓

And that's the perfect time to "I"...

#96

⇓

"Inspire Hope."

#97

⇓

In Caylee's case, I went to her window and I screamed...

#98

⇓

Caylee, listen. Listen. Wait.

#99

⇓

I want to tell you that the reason I was distant is because...

#100

⇓

I was afraid that you were gonna break my heart...

#101

⇓

and I got scared.

#102

⇓

But I'm not scared anymore, baby.

#103

⇓

I love you. I need you.

#104

⇓

And then, naturally, we bang.

#105

⇓

# Watchin' every motion in my foolish lover's gaze ##.

#106

⇓

And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her.

#107

⇓

You see, she thinks she's broken through my tough exterior...

#108

⇓

and coerced affection from a man who is afraid to love.

#109

⇓

And then I slink out into the night,

#110

⇓

never to talk to her again.

#111

⇓

"Separate Entirely."

#112

⇓

Yes, Mac. That's right.

#113

⇓

I "S"...

#114

⇓

"Separate Entirely."

#115

⇓

D-E-N-N-I-S.

#116

⇓

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System.

#117

⇓

That, my friends, is the key to winning any girl's heart.

#118

⇓

Yeah! All right! Good stuff.

#119

⇓

Better than I remember it. Oh, good!

#120

⇓

Are you kidding me? You are not winning their hearts.

#121

⇓

You're torturing them and they end up hating you.

#122

⇓

Actually, Dee, they end up loving me more than they ever thought was possible.

#123

⇓

And you set it up so you can get these chicks back at any time?

#124

⇓

That's exactly right, Charlie. You're really picking up on this. I'm proud of you, bud.

#125

⇓

There is no way that girl is gonna come back to you after what you just put her through.

#126

⇓

I could absolutely get that girl back anytime I want. I just choose not to.

#127

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I 100% guarantee you this girl's finished with you.

#128

⇓

Well, I take that as a challenge, Dee, and I accept that challenge.

#129

⇓

- I'll have her back by the end of the day. - Yeah. Dee, you don't get it.

#130

⇓

This is what men do! This is what men do! Yeah!

#131

⇓

This is man stuff, Dee! Man stuff!

#132

⇓

Whee! Man stuff!

#133

⇓

- This is what men- - Yee-hoo!

#134

⇓

Aah-aah-aah!

#135

⇓

You're probably getting D.E.N.N.I.S. 'd right now by that new boyfriend of yours,

#136

⇓

and you don't even know it.

#137

⇓

What boyfriend? She don't have a boyfriend! Yes, I do! Ben.

#138

⇓

You know, the online soldier that I met. We're back together now.

#139

⇓

What? That dude wouldn't date you after what you put him through!

#140

⇓

Maybe he'd D.E.N.N.I.S. you, but he wouldn't date you. He's not D.E.N.N.I.S.-ing me!

#141

⇓

He's in the car right now. I told him to wait for me.

#142

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

#143

⇓

So, wait. Your guy has been waiting out here the whole time in the hot sun?

#144

⇓

Yeah. I told him to wait for me. He kinda does whatever I say. It's pretty great.

#145

⇓

Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up? That's cruel. The engine's not even on.

#146

⇓

I didn't. I just didn't tell him to do it with the windows down. He's not the smartest, but...

#147

⇓

Dee, it's, like, 100 degrees outside.

#148

⇓

I'm assuming that he has engaged you physically?

#149

⇓

Well, I mean, of course we've engaged physically.

#150

⇓

Look at that body. It is stupid.

#151

⇓

Of course we've engaged over and over physically.

#152

⇓

But that doesn't mean that he's pulling some sort of a system.

#153

⇓

Hey, guys! Hey- Hey, Dee! I didn't see you there. Are you almost done?

#154

⇓

Yeah. Yeah. I got caught up in a story. But I'll be done pretty soon.

#155

⇓

O-O-Okay. Well, do you want me to come in?

#156

⇓

No. No, I don't. No. You just- You just stay where you are.

#157

⇓

You know what? I'll text you when I'm wrapping up.

#158

⇓

Then you can crank the A.C. , cool the car off for me. Okay. Sure thing.

#159

⇓

See you, fellas. Okay. Good. See you, man.

#160

⇓

Dee, you're getting played. You're getting played big time.

#161

⇓

He's not doing anything. Big time!

#162

⇓

He's just- I told him to sit...

#163

⇓

And there you go. Good to see you. See you soon. Bye.

#164

⇓

- Hey, Caylee. - What do you want?

#165

⇓

Listen, before you say anything,

#166

⇓

I just want to say that I'm really sorry for everything that went down between us.

#167

⇓

It's all my fault.

#168

⇓

Nana took a turn for the worse,

#169

⇓

and it's got me in a really bad place.

#170

⇓

I just...

#171

⇓

I don't know what I would do if she died.

#172

⇓

I don't think your grandmother exists, Dennis.

#173

⇓

I beg your pardon?

#174

⇓

Uh, yeah. I looked into it. There's no, um, Dr. Toboggan in Philadelphia either.

#175

⇓

Oh. No- Yeah, he doesn't- He's not based in Philly.

#176

⇓

Oh, no? Yeah.

#177

⇓

No, it says Philadelphia right there. Oh. Yeah- No, that...

#178

⇓

I'm gonna call him because if he's still giving people prescriptions on that pad,

#179

⇓

those people could get in a lot of trouble.

#180

⇓

Oh! Whoa! What the hell are you doing here?

#181

⇓

I'm swooping in on your chick. What? No.

#182

⇓

Dude, I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. This chick so I can shove it in Dee's face.

#183

⇓

What is this "swooping in" business?

#184

⇓

Oh, that's my system. The M.A.C. "Move-in After Completion."

#185

⇓

I wait till you're done with them.

#186

⇓

Then I swoop in, give them shoulder to cry on, and then we hump.

#187

⇓

You been humping these girls after I'm done with them? Oh, yeah, dude.

#188

⇓

I come in as the sensitive, intellectual type.

#189

⇓

Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine?

#190

⇓

I thought you were just my wing man though. No. No.

#191

⇓

I'm swimming in your wake.

#192

⇓

- What are you two dickheads doing here? - What are you doing here?

#193

⇓

- I'm here for the scraps. - I haven't had a chance to get in there yet, okay? So just...

#194

⇓

What's taking you so long?

#195

⇓

Wait, wait, wait! You have a system where you come in after Mac?

#196

⇓

That's right. I come in after Mac. But he's taking forever this time.

#197

⇓

I got my magnum condoms. I got my wad of hundreds. I'm ready to plow.

#198

⇓

You should see him feast. He's like a mantis. It's amazing.

#199

⇓

Oh, that's good. Call me that from now on.

#200

⇓

Mantis. No!

#201

⇓

Nobody's calling you Man- Look, you guys gotta back off, okay?

#202

⇓

I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. This chick. No, you back off!

#203

⇓

Wait a second, Frank. He's right. It's a delicate ecosystem.

#204

⇓

We gotta stick with it. Just let him do his thing.

#205

⇓

Then we'll come in for seconds and scraps. Back off.

#206

⇓

Get out. Just play it cool.

#207

⇓

Before she sees you. Hurry up, though, because...

#208

⇓

Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds. Idiot.

#209

⇓

This is so exciting. You're gonna love this.

#210

⇓

Okay, just stop right there. Okay.

#211

⇓

And off with the- Okay, here we are!

#212

⇓

I set up a picnic for us!

#213

⇓

What the hell are you doing?

#214

⇓

What- I- I set up a picnic. Do you not like picnics?

#215

⇓

Okay. All right. I know what's going on. I- I'm on to you, guy.

#216

⇓

You bring me out here to some landfill in the middle of nowhere,

#217

⇓

you blindfold me so I have no idea where I am...

#218

⇓

I'm gonna depend on you to get home!

#219

⇓

Dee, do you want to go? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I wanna go, but not with you!

#220

⇓

I'll go all by myself. I'll take the bus. Okay.

#221

⇓

And I'll also take this. Thank you. Here. Do you want a glass?

#222

⇓

No! Stop it! Do you need bus fare?

#223

⇓

I don't need bus fare! I'm not sure the bus comes out here anyway.

#224

⇓

- I'll walk then, okay? - Wh- In your heels? They're very nice.

#225

⇓

- Here, take my boots. - Stop it! Stop trying to make me depend on you, okay?

#226

⇓

I'm fine all by myself, buddy! I'm doing just fine by myself.

#227

⇓

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

#228

⇓

I'm fine!

#229

⇓

Well, just stay there. I'm gonna come down to help.

#230

⇓

Leave me alone! I won't give you the satisfaction!

#231

⇓

I'm fine!

#232

⇓

- I'm independent, and I don't need you! - Wait!

#233

⇓

I don't need anybody!

#234

⇓

Where are you going?

#235

⇓

Shut up!

#236

⇓

Oh, what the hell!

#237

⇓

- Oh, what the hell, Charlie! - Oh, hey! Look who's home!

#238

⇓

Uh- Hang on a second. What you doing there? I'm calling the police.

#239

⇓

Oh, no! You don't have to call the police. Check it out.

#240

⇓

I'm here just to fix your garbage disposal.

#241

⇓

Is that a bag of hair in your hand, Charlie?

#242

⇓

Have you been breaking into my apartment and shoving hair in my sink?

#243

⇓

Okay. Okay! Let's start over. We're getting way of topic here.

#244

⇓

I would like you to focus on the amount of value that I am demonstrating to you...

#245

⇓

by fixing your garbage disposal.

#246

⇓

Just get the hell out of my apartment.

#247

⇓

Are you sure? 'Cause your garbage disposal's a mess. Pretty sure.

#248

⇓

It's way worse than when I got here. I think you should get out.

#249

⇓

All right. I like this blouse you're wearing. That's nice. Is that new?

#250

⇓

What is that? It's modern, right?

#251

⇓

This is my uniform that I have to wear for my other job, and it's ugly.

#252

⇓

Well, no, it's not ugly. It's just, you know- It's unique.

#253

⇓

So what's this new job? I work at the fair.

#254

⇓

You're working at the fair! Well, look at us, you know?

#255

⇓

I'm a plumber. You're a fair worker. They go well together, right?

#256

⇓

Get out of my apartment. Oh, all right.

#257

⇓

I don't know. I did everything right, and I can't get past the letter "D," dude.

#258

⇓

- Well, what did you do exactly? - I broke into her place.

#259

⇓

I ripped her sink apart. I brought a bag of hair. You know what I mean?

#260

⇓

And I come across looking like a total jerk. Yeah, of course.

#261

⇓

Because nothing that you just described sounds correct.

#262

⇓

These are totally the type of things you were talking about- slashing a girl's tires,

#263

⇓

doing scary voices.

#264

⇓

- Do you know anything about plumbing? - Uh... no.

#265

⇓

Maybe it's just over my head, this system. Maybe I should just stick to stalking.

#266

⇓

Maybe that's my system. She got a job at the fair. It could be fun to stalk around a fair.

#267

⇓

Jesus Christ on the cross, you look like shit.

#268

⇓

Yeah! That's 'cause I spent the night in the woods trying to demonstrate my independence!

#269

⇓

Okay, clearly none of you have any idea how to run my system!

#270

⇓

Goddamn- All right. I'm gonna get everybody what they want, including myself.

#271

⇓

Let me just think for a second.

#272

⇓

Let me just work something out here and then... we'll...

#273

⇓

What's he doing?

#274

⇓

Just shut up and let him work.

#275

⇓

We're going to the fair.

#276

⇓

Mmm!

#277

⇓

That will provide the perfect setting for all of our needs to be met.

#278

⇓

You will demonstrate your value to the waitress by winning a prize at her booth.

#279

⇓

Good, dude! Then I give her the prize and that's good!

#280

⇓

No, that's dead wrong actually.

#281

⇓

You're gonna take the prize and award it to the bustiest woman you can find. Okay?

#282

⇓

Your indifference to the waitress will only make you more attractive to her.

#283

⇓

Now, Dee, because of your ridiculous missteps, you actually have no value.

#284

⇓

Mm-hmm. So your only hope is to lower Ben's value.

#285

⇓

You're gonna do this by flirting with a carney in front of him.

#286

⇓

Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't know if I want to deal with a carney.

#287

⇓

No one likes dealing with carneys, and that's why Frank will pose as one.

#288

⇓

Now, Mac, you're the final piece in this puzzle.

#289

⇓

I need you to resume your role as the thoughtful roommate and invite Caylee out to the fair.

#290

⇓

There I shall be waiting to win back her heart.

#291

⇓

- How you gonna do that? - I gotta get myself a grandmother.

#292

⇓

What's happening?

#293

⇓

What's happening is, we're at the fair, Gladys,

#294

⇓

and you're gonna act like my grandma, okay?

#295

⇓

My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.

#296

⇓

I-I don't give a shit. I'm paying you not to talk.

#297

⇓

Well, hello! This is a coincidence, huh?

#298

⇓

No, it's not. No, it's not. But it's exciting, isn't it?

#299

⇓

So, what game do we have here? What game is this?

#300

⇓

Speed Pitch. That's all you do? You throw a pitch?

#301

⇓

I mean, what prizes are there?

#302

⇓

There are no prizes, Charlie.

#303

⇓

It's just to see "how fast can you throw." Oh!

#304

⇓

Then I guess I'll demonstrate my value to you by firing off a wicked hot fastball, huh?

#305

⇓

You know this game is for children, right?

#306

⇓

I don't care that it's for kids. All right? Let me demonstrate my value to you. Please!

#307

⇓

When I was little, all the kids would beat me up and call me Bookworm.

#308

⇓

- Right this way, Nana. - Kids are so brutal.

#309

⇓

Oh. Hi, Mac, Caylee. I didn't see you there.

#310

⇓

- What are you doing here? - This is my nana.

#311

⇓

She's on the mend, so I wanted to get her out of the house.

#312

⇓

- This is your grandmother? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is Nana. Yeah. Isn’t she precious?

#313

⇓

My grandmother was a lesbian.

#314

⇓

Well? How does it look?

#315

⇓

It's great. You look like a lizard.

#316

⇓

I like turtles. Okay.

#317

⇓

Ooh, look! A carney!

#318

⇓

## Ooh! Eh. Frank! Hey, Frank! What are you doing?

#319

⇓

Lose the tie. You're way overdressed. I got a new angle.

#320

⇓

What? No, Dennis, this does not change...

#321

⇓

Leave us alone. What? What? Just listen to me for one second, okay?

#322

⇓

Dennis, I've been looking all over for you. Where you been?

#323

⇓

Hello. Dr. Toboggan. Nice to meet you. Hi.

#324

⇓

Frank, what are you doing?

#325

⇓

Actually, it's Mantis. Mantis Toboggan, M.D.

#326

⇓

I got your test results. You're positive. You got the H.I.V.

#327

⇓

Yes, AIDS. Big time! What the hell you talking about?

#328

⇓

Dennis, what- You got the AIDS big time!

#329

⇓

What are you doing, dude? Did you see her face? Look at her.

#330

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I'm breaking her down. I'm making her feel worthless. You see?

#331

⇓

She thinks she's got the H. I.V. Then I slip in.

#332

⇓

- ## Get it? - There is an order here, dude! Get back in line!

#333

⇓

No! No more thirds for Frankie! Seconds from now on!

#334

⇓

All right! That was rough!

#335

⇓

Fifteen. Fifteen.

#336

⇓

It's 'cause I'm getting tired. My arm's blown out.

#337

⇓

Hey, Speed Pitch. You want to play? Okay.

#338

⇓

Oh! Hey, wait, wait. Hey, guy. Do you work here?

#339

⇓

Yeah. Yeah! Oh, shit. Ben, look. A carney.

#340

⇓

Hey.

#341

⇓

So, I wonder if there's a kissing booth anywhere close.

#342

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Sixty-four!

#343

⇓

Ow! Ow!

#344

⇓

Ow, you stabbed me! He stabbed me with a key!

#345

⇓

Will someone- someone call a doctor! Ow!

#346

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You idiot! Why would you stab me? I was flirting with you!

#347

⇓

That guy paid me to.

#348

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You weren't supposed to stab her, man! You were supposed to stab her!

#349

⇓

What? You want to have me stabbed?

#350

⇓

I was gonna protect you from the stabbing.

#351

⇓

Wrong! Wrong!

#352

⇓

Wrong! Wrong!

#353

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You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery,

#354

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and then as she's dying you nurse her back to health,

#355

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thereby making her totally dependent on you! Ohh!

#356

⇓

See, this is why nobody should be going off my system!

#357

⇓

What do you mean, "Off your system?"

#358

⇓

My system of seduction that I used to win your heart,

#359

⇓

that these idiots are ruining right now!

#360

⇓

Ben's the only one who's using it properly.

#361

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- Ben, explain the system. - I don't know what you're talking about.

#362

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You had your face painted like a goddamn frog person and you have no ulterior motive here?

#363

⇓

- I'm a lizard. - Oh, whoops! Oh!

#364

⇓

I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong.

#365

⇓

I'm out of here.

#366

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I'll give you a ride! Thank you.

#367

⇓

What? What are you doing? I'm leaving.

#368

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Dee, I don't like you. Well, how is that possible?

#369

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You're a mean person.

#370

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You know what? You go! You get outta here!

#371

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Way to go, jerks! Good job! Yeah? Way to go to you.

#372

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You work at a fair, carney! Don't call her a carney, man.

#373

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I don't need you to take up for me! Get out of here!

#374

⇓

Shut up! Just go! Get outta here! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

#375

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Idiots ruining my system. Everybody ruins my system! Nobody gets it!

#376

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Oh, system, my ass. I hate carnivals.

#377

⇓

I need a ride.

#378

⇓

Is there anybody out there that could take me home?

#379

⇓

ENGLISH - US - PSDH

#380

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