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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E10 — The D.E.N.N.I.S. System

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 10 — The D.E.N.N.I.S. System

TMDB episode metadata
Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Episode title: The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
Air date: November 19, 2009
Director: Randall Einhorn
Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito
Dennis reveals his foolproof system for seducing any woman to the rest of the gang, but they don't grasp the concept.
Source: TMDB
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So, how many restraining orders does the waitress have on you?
ordersrestrainingwaitress
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A lot, dude. She's been irritated with me.
irritated
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"You got me fired from the Oldies Rock Café. Guys.
firedoldiesoldies-rockrock
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You're gonna get me fired from the coffee shop. " This is incredible.
coffeecoffee-shopfiredincredibleshop
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Listen to this message. Come here. This chick is so in love with me, it's crazy.
chickcrazylovemessage
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Hi, Dennis, it's Caylee.
cayleedennis
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I was just calling to let you know that I hope you die!
callinghope
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You are obviously a terrible person with no regard for anyone but yourself!
obviouslypersonregard
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I never, ever want to see you again, you steaming pile of horseshit!
pilesteaming
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Go to hell!
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Whoa, that's amazing. That's the best one yet. Yeah, it's a really good one.
amazingbestwhoa
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What? She hates your guts.
gutshates
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Dee, this chick is so in love with me, she doesn't even know it.
chicklove
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They don't get it because you haven't explained it to them, bro.
explained
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Oh, guys, I have a system, a foolproof system...
foolproofsystem
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for getting any chick's undying love and devotion for life.
chicksdevotionlifelove
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What the hell are you talking about, dude?
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I'm talking about the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.
system
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Ladies and gentlemen, the D.E.N.N.I.S. System...
gentlemenladiessystem
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is a comprehensive approach to seduction that I have perfected over the years.
approachseductionyears
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See, my success with women does not solely stem from my good looks and my charm.
charmsolelystemsuccesswomen
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There is a careful, systemic approach...
approachcarefulsystemic
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that has allowed me to become the playboy that I am today.
allowedbecometoday
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- A playboy? Is that how you see yourself? - Yes.
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He has banged a lot of chicks. Just shut up, Dee. Shut up.
bangedchicks
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Now, the first step to any erotic conquest is to "D"- demonstrate your value.
demonstrateeroticstepvalue
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In this most recent case my subject was Caylee, a cute pharmacist.
casecayleecuterecentsubject
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I demonstrated my value to her by filling a prescription.
demonstratedfillingprescriptionvalue
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I told her, "It's for my grandmother. She's quite ill."
grandmother
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Thus demonstrating my value as a loving grandson and an all-around great guy.
demonstratinggrandsonlovingvalue
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- You're forging prescriptions now? - That's the easy part, Dee.
easypartprescriptions
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I would've gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms,
boughtcondomsgonemagnumwouldve
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thus demonstrating that I have a monster dong.
demonstratingdongmonster
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Right. That comes of a little bit desperate, Frank.
comesdesperatefrank
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Now, if you want to have a magnum condom peeking out of your wallet when you go to pay,
condommagnumpeekingwallet
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that's a different story.
story
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- Oh, yeah. - Now let's move on.
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Once you've demonstrated your value, you are going to want to ask her out.
demonstratedvalue
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Once you've asked her out, you move on to "E."
asked
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"Engage physically."
engagephysically
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I personally try to engage the girl physically without ever going on the date,
dateengagegirlpersonallyphysically
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which to me is really just a waste of time and money.
moneywaste
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I'll tell her I know this great little restaurant that doesn't take reservations.
reservationsrestaurant
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That makes it sound cool, makes it sound exclusive.
coolexclusivemakessound
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And then when we get to the restaurant, the restaurant is closed,
closedrestaurant
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as, of course, it always is on Sundays.
coursesundays
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So I'll feign surprise and say something along the lines of,
alonglinessurprise
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"I guess we could grab a pizza and watch a movie at my place."
grabmoviepizzaplacewatch
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That's where I come in. Oh, you're a part of this?
part
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Oh, yeah. Mac has a very special place in my system.
placespecialsystem
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Yeah. You see, I'm on the couch when they come in and ask to be alone.
alonecouch
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- Then I say- - I can't go in my room. I found a black widow spider in there.
blackfoundroomspiderwidow
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Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy so that they can get to know each other better.
dennisfiresprivacywants
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- And then I say- - Oh. Well, I guess we could eat the pizza on my bed...
pizza
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and watch the DVD in my room.
roomwatch
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And once we're on my bed, it is game over.
game
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I engage her physically and the sexual waltz begins.
beginsengagephysicallysexualwaltz
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Pizza's good. You're the one that's good.
pizzas
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Smooth! Very- Very smooth stuff. Very classy.
classysmoothstuff
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I'm learning a lot from you right now, dude.
learning
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Okay. Now, once you've had sex with a woman, she will naturally start to depend on you. Okay?
dependnaturallystartwoman
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All women do this.
women
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They certainly do. You got that right.
certainly
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Sex with women!
women
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Once you bang 'em, you know- Like that.
bang
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Right. Right.
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Which brings me to the first "N."
brings
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"Nurturing Dependence."
dependencenurturing
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You're gonna want to nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys.
dependencefeelingnurture
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Have her car towed.
towed
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Or you can slash her tires.
slashtires
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Either way, make her depend on you for rides.
dependrides
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Or you can use my personal go-to,
personal
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which is to create a fictional, angry neighbor who is threatening her...
angrycreatefictionalneighborthreatening
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and tell her you'll take care of him.
care
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Hit up a pay phone so that she can't trace the calls back to you.
callsphonetrace
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Give her a call and say something along the lines of...
alonglines
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I'm watching you, you bitch. You're gonna die tonight!
bitchtonightwatching
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Oh, for Christ's sake! You're a complete sociopath!
christschrists-sakecompletesake
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Don't interrupt. Okay?
interrupt
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Now, if you've completed all the other steps properly up to this point,
completedpointproperlysteps
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she'll naturally want to take the relationship to the next level.
levelnaturallyrelationshipshell
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But you're not gonna do that. You're gonna do the exact opposite.
exactexact-oppositeopposite
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Pull back, guys. Pull back.
pull
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Which brings me to the second "N," "Neglect Emotionally."
bringsemotionallyneglectsecond
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You stop taking her phone calls.
callsphonephone-calls
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Cancel all your plans.
cancelplans
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Maybe that fictional, angry neighbor that you've simulated comes back,
angrycomesfictionalneighbor
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and this time you're not around to cool him off.
cool
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Hello?
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Welcome to hell!
welcome
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This will frighten the shit out of her.
frighten
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Okay? And she'll start getting really mixed up because you're not there to protect her.
mixedprotectshellstart
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She'll start questioning her self-worth,
questioningselfself-worthshellstartworth
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start questioning her- her self-esteem.
esteemquestioningselfself-esteemstart
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And that's the perfect time to "I"...
perfect
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"Inspire Hope."
hopeinspire
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In Caylee's case, I went to her window and I screamed...
casescreamedwindow
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Caylee, listen. Listen. Wait.
caylee
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I want to tell you that the reason I was distant is because...
distantreason
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I was afraid that you were gonna break my heart...
afraidbreakheart
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and I got scared.
scared
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But I'm not scared anymore, baby.
anymorebabyscared
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I love you. I need you.
love
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And then, naturally, we bang.
bangnaturally
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# Watchin' every motion in my foolish lover's gaze ##.
foolishgazeloversmotionwatchin
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And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her.
bangbestemotional
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You see, she thinks she's broken through my tough exterior...
brokenexteriorthinkstough
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and coerced affection from a man who is afraid to love.
affectionafraidlove
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And then I slink out into the night,
nightslink
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never to talk to her again.
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"Separate Entirely."
entirelyseparate
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Yes, Mac. That's right.
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I "S"...
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"Separate Entirely."
entirelyseparate
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D-E-N-N-I-S.
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The D.E.N.N.I.S. System.
system
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That, my friends, is the key to winning any girl's heart.
friendsgirlsheartwinning
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Yeah! All right! Good stuff.
stuff
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Better than I remember it. Oh, good!
remember
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Are you kidding me? You are not winning their hearts.
heartskiddingwinning
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You're torturing them and they end up hating you.
hatingtorturing
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Actually, Dee, they end up loving me more than they ever thought was possible.
lovingpossible
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And you set it up so you can get these chicks back at any time?
chicks
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That's exactly right, Charlie. You're really picking up on this. I'm proud of you, bud.
charliepickingproud
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There is no way that girl is gonna come back to you after what you just put her through.
girl
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I could absolutely get that girl back anytime I want. I just choose not to.
absolutelyanytimechoosegirl
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I 100% guarantee you this girl's finished with you.
finishedgirlsguarantee
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Well, I take that as a challenge, Dee, and I accept that challenge.
acceptchallenge
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- I'll have her back by the end of the day. - Yeah. Dee, you don't get it.
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This is what men do! This is what men do! Yeah!
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This is man stuff, Dee! Man stuff!
stuff
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Whee! Man stuff!
stuffwhee
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- This is what men- - Yee-hoo!
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Aah-aah-aah!
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You're probably getting D.E.N.N.I.S. 'd right now by that new boyfriend of yours,
boyfriend
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and you don't even know it.
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What boyfriend? She don't have a boyfriend! Yes, I do! Ben.
boyfriend
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You know, the online soldier that I met. We're back together now.
onlinesoldier
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What? That dude wouldn't date you after what you put him through!
date
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Maybe he'd D.E.N.N.I.S. you, but he wouldn't date you. He's not D.E.N.N.I.S.-ing me!
date
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He's in the car right now. I told him to wait for me.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
whoawhoa-whoawhoa-whoa-whoa
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So, wait. Your guy has been waiting out here the whole time in the hot sun?
waitingwhole
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Yeah. I told him to wait for me. He kinda does whatever I say. It's pretty great.
kinda
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Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up? That's cruel. The engine's not even on.
cruelengineswhydwindows
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I didn't. I just didn't tell him to do it with the windows down. He's not the smartest, but...
smartestwindows
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Dee, it's, like, 100 degrees outside.
degrees
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I'm assuming that he has engaged you physically?
assumingengagedphysically
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45dbdd8f-6d81-4b43-bd00-70b98e4c8fea.gif
Well, I mean, of course we've engaged physically.
courseengagedphysically
↓
26678de5-4510-481c-ae52-4ed9068a2060.gif
Look at that body. It is stupid.
bodystupid
↓
44f24405-7a6a-4661-8682-90a55aaa9f65.gif
Of course we've engaged over and over physically.
courseengagedphysically
↓
3a9eff59-1eb1-4727-bba8-22eb2189802f.gif
But that doesn't mean that he's pulling some sort of a system.
pullingsystem
↓
c8ddca1c-975b-446c-bca8-52ef4406de96.gif
Hey, guys! Hey- Hey, Dee! I didn't see you there. Are you almost done?
↓
1269f545-26fa-415e-a5af-16ed83a310a9.gif
Yeah. Yeah. I got caught up in a story. But I'll be done pretty soon.
caughtstory
↓
79710319-9b38-4215-b2e3-d3b53491a477.gif
O-O-Okay. Well, do you want me to come in?
↓
ad1d043a-19e8-4b86-966e-d52b5d3853c9.gif
No. No, I don't. No. You just- You just stay where you are.
↓
127468c8-370f-4996-92db-d5c3b744b5e1.gif
You know what? I'll text you when I'm wrapping up.
textwrapping
↓
f94ef374-0151-4545-ae5e-52259dff85f7.gif
Then you can crank the A.C. , cool the car off for me. Okay. Sure thing.
coolcrank
↓
4f64d3ec-446f-4d23-87fd-9efca6cfbe32.gif
See you, fellas. Okay. Good. See you, man.
fellas
↓
77c4bd82-0322-4c59-a870-09de15f55548.gif
Dee, you're getting played. You're getting played big time.
played
↓
1de7a78b-21d7-411f-9f2a-16bcff897b1a.gif
He's not doing anything. Big time!
↓
ee29c48a-297a-40ab-a8b6-129b8d9250d6.gif
He's just- I told him to sit...
↓
9f90bc6d-a212-4e19-8448-e571252d1789.gif
And there you go. Good to see you. See you soon. Bye.
↓
716816ff-a9fe-41fc-946e-ccd0db54f075.gif
- Hey, Caylee. - What do you want?
caylee
↓
c2079f6b-f448-4343-a40a-4ce0624a45f6.gif
Listen, before you say anything,
↓
9d02589e-17ff-40d5-97db-076940a23033.gif
I just want to say that I'm really sorry for everything that went down between us.
↓
08adb715-0cb1-422e-8f24-db33427ed1a3.gif
It's all my fault.
fault
↓
b2f5a556-7317-4330-9548-bdbb97487339.gif
Nana took a turn for the worse,
nanaworse
↓
f996838b-9454-43fe-936c-8c6a3dbbb5d5.gif
and it's got me in a really bad place.
place
↓
384df70b-9c15-4f7b-bdae-b55374dfb2f2.gif
I just...
↓
53065703-6862-4c60-99bb-a91749768468.gif
I don't know what I would do if she died.
died
↓
e9c47815-8292-4415-9481-82da4cb1ed38.gif
I don't think your grandmother exists, Dennis.
dennisexistsgrandmother
↓
0686b67e-363c-4d2f-aeb1-f9ce04652252.gif
I beg your pardon?
pardon
↓
8b3f46a6-b9db-4e12-804e-29d5e9d35989.gif
Uh, yeah. I looked into it. There's no, um, Dr. Toboggan in Philadelphia either.
lookedphiladelphiatoboggan
↓
a7bc988b-fcaa-4c6a-9d4e-e411e19893a4.gif
Oh. No- Yeah, he doesn't- He's not based in Philly.
basedphilly
↓
f086c5bb-118b-4b91-aa43-fea0c070d183.gif
Oh, no? Yeah.
↓
36cd87c9-906c-4cb2-98c9-227b5302c9bb.gif
No, it says Philadelphia right there. Oh. Yeah- No, that...
philadelphia
↓
6e7fdd59-6d09-4aee-a0a2-dc9513ce323c.gif
I'm gonna call him because if he's still giving people prescriptions on that pad,
givingprescriptions
↓
85b7a032-054e-4080-b9ba-60b80b18ab93.gif
those people could get in a lot of trouble.
trouble
↓
eac3077e-b1e0-4a2c-b779-831c4752910f.gif
Oh! Whoa! What the hell are you doing here?
whoa
↓
333f678d-6cab-4cbf-bcbf-d98c70dfd059.gif
I'm swooping in on your chick. What? No.
chick
↓
4c487535-332a-4025-9c2d-f8b288efdbf2.gif
Dude, I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. This chick so I can shove it in Dee's face.
chickdeesfaceshove
↓
c90d9748-c8dc-4c5f-a0cc-58d6793c3064.gif
What is this "swooping in" business?
business
↓
f4220616-4d75-4a06-864d-8e52f2dea83c.gif
Oh, that's my system. The M.A.C. "Move-in After Completion."
system
↓
8e6d7a56-e65d-4db0-bf78-105f09fe14fc.gif
I wait till you're done with them.
till
↓
7fb597ee-7e37-4636-94d8-b6c44677c6e7.gif
Then I swoop in, give them shoulder to cry on, and then we hump.
humpshoulderswoop
↓
276100c4-16be-44ff-b7fa-f6d87faea66e.gif
You been humping these girls after I'm done with them? Oh, yeah, dude.
girlshumping
↓
8a61245f-6797-427e-b9f7-7ef7a0b8fd98.gif
I come in as the sensitive, intellectual type.
intellectualsensitivetype
↓
8357ea8d-421b-46f9-ab3a-d4a94fb0fd34.gif
Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine?
booksreadingroutinespider
↓
619cd42c-926c-40d0-88cf-30aa7035f657.gif
I thought you were just my wing man though. No. No.
wing
↓
0480281c-ef71-4ac1-be7c-b78b69654978.gif
I'm swimming in your wake.
swimmingwake
↓
fc2cd2a9-64d6-4717-a2a8-d95698c3b4b2.gif
- What are you two dickheads doing here? - What are you doing here?
dickheads
↓
6231e4f3-6c4b-4bab-a287-4c69e9a594cc.gif
- I'm here for the scraps. - I haven't had a chance to get in there yet, okay? So just...
chancescraps
↓
5bc5947a-0327-4863-9d1c-f6bc825e6b17.gif
What's taking you so long?
↓
16c2dc48-58e0-45b1-92bf-fe3462c8a315.gif
Wait, wait, wait! You have a system where you come in after Mac?
system
↓
70eb0016-d851-4002-a24d-d50c06158dcb.gif
That's right. I come in after Mac. But he's taking forever this time.
forever
↓
b1fc4ab0-08d2-49b1-b157-33b47a9d62a8.gif
I got my magnum condoms. I got my wad of hundreds. I'm ready to plow.
condomshundredsmagnumplowready
↓
40831c5c-48b2-41c0-b40d-79bd7ee05272.gif
You should see him feast. He's like a mantis. It's amazing.
amazingfeastmantis
↓
5f76a4fd-d046-40d3-b522-37028e50445a.gif
Oh, that's good. Call me that from now on.
↓
ce2f8e7d-6f79-4408-a276-f5d7c44e3529.gif
Mantis. No!
mantis
↓
e16200ed-d3d5-4bae-bd83-874768f42ee4.gif
Nobody's calling you Man- Look, you guys gotta back off, okay?
callingnobodys
↓
f1447e1f-b21c-487a-b8a6-410ad59cf205.gif
I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. This chick. No, you back off!
chick
↓
0593f190-0e78-452f-9b85-fd9b720df2a1.gif
Wait a second, Frank. He's right. It's a delicate ecosystem.
delicateecosystemfranksecondsecond-frank
↓
e9318e9f-cddf-4920-9889-cc49d19d2c45.gif
We gotta stick with it. Just let him do his thing.
stick
↓
5c121abc-a4db-4851-a0c6-bc335595baee.gif
Then we'll come in for seconds and scraps. Back off.
scrapsseconds
↓
9e735939-1716-4396-b43f-7e6913d421a8.gif
Get out. Just play it cool.
cool
↓
34ffa6d9-43ef-4939-b653-9433c69c1834.gif
Before she sees you. Hurry up, though, because...
hurrysees
↓
1fcef7a2-b0b0-4ab7-81de-43defb885439.gif
Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds. Idiot.
condomshundredsidiotmagnum
↓
7b3d7d4b-be61-46d9-9210-30ba6811701a.gif
This is so exciting. You're gonna love this.
excitinglove
↓
cc009c5f-5659-4cbb-acb1-6d2b29c7e706.gif
Okay, just stop right there. Okay.
↓
a70b1dca-750d-4185-8bfb-6f6969372b0f.gif
And off with the- Okay, here we are!
↓
e2f6cc7a-f4ae-49ee-a1f7-2f6d36dc0771.gif
I set up a picnic for us!
picnic
↓
d1913d29-dd5f-4a09-85a7-e7b0c711f061.gif
What the hell are you doing?
↓
0f9a78cd-8974-4200-9c3f-13841932c567.gif
What- I- I set up a picnic. Do you not like picnics?
picnicpicnics
↓
7b48ab23-5e5d-4278-a44f-13ebc0f2d2f9.gif
Okay. All right. I know what's going on. I- I'm on to you, guy.
↓
dc369fb0-91f7-4e4d-a8d9-60994cc9e451.gif
You bring me out here to some landfill in the middle of nowhere,
bringmiddle
↓
4c981263-2bd9-482d-bd50-623fc65ade35.gif
you blindfold me so I have no idea where I am...
blindfoldidea
↓
770a8289-f791-4cda-89f2-31ce356ea844.gif
I'm gonna depend on you to get home!
dependhome
↓
156d4158-3324-4ed3-8465-6f792c6ff070.gif
Dee, do you want to go? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I wanna go, but not with you!
↓
9f26580c-ba9e-45e5-9b1a-7333db5adc73.gif
I'll go all by myself. I'll take the bus. Okay.
↓
932ab032-ba48-4520-a086-40ee6294aa16.gif
And I'll also take this. Thank you. Here. Do you want a glass?
glass
↓
6f44b505-cb72-447e-9cd4-e29324c5ebe9.gif
No! Stop it! Do you need bus fare?
fare
↓
bc833b73-b1c5-4f59-9321-432607548c73.gif
I don't need bus fare! I'm not sure the bus comes out here anyway.
comesfare
↓
c9b42520-e42c-4c67-9670-9173b16addb2.gif
- I'll walk then, okay? - Wh- In your heels? They're very nice.
heelswalk
↓
d268b85c-a8d6-42aa-9688-4f1719d8a887.gif
- Here, take my boots. - Stop it! Stop trying to make me depend on you, okay?
bootsdepend
↓
a600c965-939d-4ec5-b5f2-e3b60fac6dea.gif
I'm fine all by myself, buddy! I'm doing just fine by myself.
buddy
↓
18972209-4c05-43b5-92fe-e67643ae1f1a.gif
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
↓
7928b8b8-581b-4800-bc34-6a4d55689d82.gif
I'm fine!
↓
c5d20995-d465-4c11-96e5-4622c6106b2f.gif
Well, just stay there. I'm gonna come down to help.
↓
e4dda4b2-ff11-49c7-a9a0-41f9147dedd3.gif
Leave me alone! I won't give you the satisfaction!
alonesatisfaction
↓
2b392104-3905-439c-9b27-1f141d408db0.gif
I'm fine!
↓
8a5e29f7-4903-495d-ae65-5a4ec9785f2a.gif
- I'm independent, and I don't need you! - Wait!
independent
↓
8b3f50ba-0290-4654-ba70-a586e9e49967.gif
I don't need anybody!
anybody
↓
f33c8126-e31c-4885-9871-305b81c50cc0.gif
Where are you going?
↓
a827c957-e68b-4613-96d2-6dd96424275c.gif
Shut up!
↓
6dd11801-252e-47c2-887e-fddd99a1cd8c.gif
Oh, what the hell!
↓
64717bae-d879-4938-9d9b-91bf9498f371.gif
- Oh, what the hell, Charlie! - Oh, hey! Look who's home!
charliehome
↓
db8af989-43d5-4d62-a4fa-cf1b21287961.gif
Uh- Hang on a second. What you doing there? I'm calling the police.
callinghangpolicesecond
↓
3a9e2cc9-670b-4219-9828-8dc48d3333e3.gif
Oh, no! You don't have to call the police. Check it out.
checkpolice
↓
5aa8eef4-19cb-4ed5-aa0b-1831b753f9ab.gif
I'm here just to fix your garbage disposal.
disposalgarbage
↓
519dc2d7-6f3a-4025-96f1-49515d7e79e8.gif
Is that a bag of hair in your hand, Charlie?
charliehairhand
↓
5faf2c15-88c5-4835-87d9-96e77e25cc58.gif
Have you been breaking into my apartment and shoving hair in my sink?
apartmentbreakinghairshovingsink
↓
1d5ce8cb-158f-4433-a488-cd23292952d7.gif
Okay. Okay! Let's start over. We're getting way of topic here.
starttopic
↓
0c484529-44df-4b9f-a789-7ea518bc271d.gif
I would like you to focus on the amount of value that I am demonstrating to you...
amountdemonstratingfocusvalue
↓
d8d4fe62-d56d-4dad-985a-03055f1c564e.gif
by fixing your garbage disposal.
disposalfixinggarbage
↓
e425ed99-98d4-4c06-a439-4199e1e30e52.gif
Just get the hell out of my apartment.
apartment
↓
77fd1906-d30c-4cf9-9cbc-f90d3aca518d.gif
Are you sure? 'Cause your garbage disposal's a mess. Pretty sure.
garbagemess
↓
1cd3992a-5711-4ba1-a1b6-d8321b2f0f07.gif
It's way worse than when I got here. I think you should get out.
worse
↓
e201b3fd-c387-4589-aae5-e42830a28b39.gif
All right. I like this blouse you're wearing. That's nice. Is that new?
blousewearing
↓
fa7c1afe-d629-4573-8bba-058d6ab8d578.gif
What is that? It's modern, right?
modern
↓
2c7c2e1f-a527-40a0-8f94-32f18927ad4f.gif
This is my uniform that I have to wear for my other job, and it's ugly.
uglyuniformwear
↓
c31f5594-57a0-41a5-a91b-103ca2a5926e.gif
Well, no, it's not ugly. It's just, you know- It's unique.
uglyunique
↓
a8e7db51-919f-4bdc-9aba-a4247bc48e7a.gif
So what's this new job? I work at the fair.
fair
↓
5553088d-955a-4620-8d26-1e6785996c09.gif
You're working at the fair! Well, look at us, you know?
fairworking
↓
1952fad0-e085-4f15-878d-7e1d1a6e0944.gif
I'm a plumber. You're a fair worker. They go well together, right?
fairplumberworker
↓
3bf4e2b8-88ea-4794-a3f8-a06af31684de.gif
Get out of my apartment. Oh, all right.
apartment
↓
0ed6df92-24f7-4b77-8f05-525722ec5c37.gif
I don't know. I did everything right, and I can't get past the letter "D," dude.
letterpast
↓
e630b325-54f9-4d13-9ac2-7655d968c9eb.gif
- Well, what did you do exactly? - I broke into her place.
brokeplace
↓
cbb9cf0a-3c8b-40ae-b233-666e5e2fde6b.gif
I ripped her sink apart. I brought a bag of hair. You know what I mean?
apartbroughthairrippedsink
↓
68d31a0b-9f4e-4401-9458-2e18ae417f96.gif
And I come across looking like a total jerk. Yeah, of course.
coursejerklookingtotaltotal-jerk
↓
c2884692-67b2-43ae-a906-f8183ac6f4da.gif
Because nothing that you just described sounds correct.
correctdescribedsounds
↓
ed339c9c-f250-4c51-8f66-8415b8715480.gif
These are totally the type of things you were talking about- slashing a girl's tires,
girlstirestype
↓
3ff33231-77a8-4bf2-9c28-dcacefe23986.gif
doing scary voices.
scaryvoices
↓
7be9e09f-c277-4241-9d4c-6dd7a82b7c3c.gif
- Do you know anything about plumbing? - Uh... no.
plumbing
↓
222f25e1-bcbb-4db6-ab89-f48b6b5c06c0.gif
Maybe it's just over my head, this system. Maybe I should just stick to stalking.
headstalkingsticksystem
↓
0e241d4f-a6b9-4708-9e2a-5d132c895664.gif
Maybe that's my system. She got a job at the fair. It could be fun to stalk around a fair.
fairfunstalksystem
↓
0ca78345-0741-4d43-a492-ebc29ee859f0.gif
Jesus Christ on the cross, you look like shit.
christcrossjesusjesus-christ
↓
898b51c0-e9a0-4c93-b5bc-77d7d1f3f544.gif
Yeah! That's 'cause I spent the night in the woods trying to demonstrate my independence!
demonstrateindependencenightspentwoods
↓
34620fcf-684e-4274-a537-4bd8c1e6faf9.gif
Okay, clearly none of you have any idea how to run my system!
ideasystem
↓
938194f3-2fab-4d45-a47c-11217ed0e8b5.gif
Goddamn- All right. I'm gonna get everybody what they want, including myself.
everybodygoddamnincluding
↓
2a0b19b8-c45e-4f77-ad9a-44fe8fa0d3ac.gif
Let me just think for a second.
second
↓
9829acc5-16df-41ca-94ce-4bc27bc06c93.gif
Let me just work something out here and then... we'll...
↓
fb086016-cb9e-46ce-b206-2a13d48b7598.gif
What's he doing?
↓
94bf26aa-1f8e-4603-b9e3-b0547af9c572.gif
Just shut up and let him work.
↓
8b0a5363-9e66-4178-924c-de002590a38f.gif
We're going to the fair.
fair
↓
75bffe1d-c52c-4244-a383-369e5866af65.gif
Mmm!
↓
7c219c22-5da5-40a8-bdce-be42e9ef3705.gif
That will provide the perfect setting for all of our needs to be met.
needsperfectprovidesetting
↓
ebf41bb0-d65f-443d-a1ac-b1512715251d.gif
You will demonstrate your value to the waitress by winning a prize at her booth.
boothdemonstrateprizevaluewaitresswinning
↓
b5e68f0b-9b31-4ffd-bac0-1562e2eb2f89.gif
Good, dude! Then I give her the prize and that's good!
prize
↓
a9bd7bab-416b-4e1a-a146-683f458e7a0b.gif
No, that's dead wrong actually.
dead
↓
f8d78454-bd69-488a-97c8-8bb611395f79.gif
You're gonna take the prize and award it to the bustiest woman you can find. Okay?
awardprizewoman
↓
c002e2ef-1819-44a7-9130-954d6952ae4d.gif
Your indifference to the waitress will only make you more attractive to her.
attractiveindifferencewaitress
↓
de1b9215-d1fd-4079-aa03-1b554d2b934e.gif
Now, Dee, because of your ridiculous missteps, you actually have no value.
ridiculousvalue
↓
371ef485-fa09-468b-9be7-351290a79730.gif
Mm-hmm. So your only hope is to lower Ben's value.
benshopelowervalue
↓
4916c67b-d408-49e5-9346-d6d5f3df9489.gif
You're gonna do this by flirting with a carney in front of him.
carneyflirtingfront
↓
29d292cc-ed7d-40f7-bf70-4b3f6f50a06f.gif
Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't know if I want to deal with a carney.
carneydealgosh
↓
fdc4c58c-763b-458f-a34c-ca789335dc90.gif
No one likes dealing with carneys, and that's why Frank will pose as one.
dealingfranklikespose
↓
ceffb61e-fde7-41fd-822a-c0cea2de4947.gif
Now, Mac, you're the final piece in this puzzle.
finalpiecepuzzle
↓
b1689fdf-cd4b-4011-b7a7-e6cf60386b58.gif
I need you to resume your role as the thoughtful roommate and invite Caylee out to the fair.
cayleefairinviteresumeroleroommatethoughtful
↓
4371e61a-b121-4250-a1c7-92e5b3f245e4.gif
There I shall be waiting to win back her heart.
heartwaiting
↓
946706a4-1b2d-4827-a5f3-f8c22d2af9be.gif
- How you gonna do that? - I gotta get myself a grandmother.
grandmother
↓
428fc5b5-1a6f-430d-a42e-f446f4b00935.gif
What's happening?
↓
d1267e2a-f1f5-41ce-8391-7f87f2c26a31.gif
What's happening is, we're at the fair, Gladys,
fairgladys
↓
876643db-f2a9-4544-a4ef-b18b6b8b2129.gif
and you're gonna act like my grandma, okay?
grandma
↓
1bf75436-0f84-42ae-b678-1d1afa4c85bd.gif
My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.
affairanthonygrandmothersusan
↓
8990d8b9-2a93-4a72-baef-d6fb4138145f.gif
I-I don't give a shit. I'm paying you not to talk.
paying
↓
809fd667-dd23-4d89-947b-c9440a0bac47.gif
Well, hello! This is a coincidence, huh?
coincidence
↓
949ab80c-8cfe-426a-a76a-1ab0b3e501c1.gif
No, it's not. No, it's not. But it's exciting, isn't it?
exciting
↓
ffa6aac0-7fbf-40be-887f-7a985c99173f.gif
So, what game do we have here? What game is this?
game
↓
61f4b101-1343-4c0a-92b9-b0cb4dae916a.gif
Speed Pitch. That's all you do? You throw a pitch?
pitchspeedthrow
↓
0f888e87-82c8-4167-bf24-7ed8cd482fa1.gif
I mean, what prizes are there?
prizes
↓
9f1d3c34-2a8c-4e5c-a214-d5a5e2864cf3.gif
There are no prizes, Charlie.
charlieprizes
↓
638de9b0-0a13-4489-92d3-5cf5fe03335a.gif
It's just to see "how fast can you throw." Oh!
fastthrow
↓
97f2879e-323f-4d67-bb76-366289e9ef3c.gif
Then I guess I'll demonstrate my value to you by firing off a wicked hot fastball, huh?
demonstratefiringvaluewicked
↓
6ef3c6ff-edfd-4cfc-95d8-d34564b20a2b.gif
You know this game is for children, right?
childrengame
↓
5e0ed298-4da9-42d9-9e7f-ecd8050b97c4.gif
I don't care that it's for kids. All right? Let me demonstrate my value to you. Please!
caredemonstratekidsvalue
↓
3901a266-5676-44b1-81e4-f955214fd5b6.gif
When I was little, all the kids would beat me up and call me Bookworm.
beatkids
↓
f862de2b-8d5a-464e-bbe1-4d57858f16c7.gif
- Right this way, Nana. - Kids are so brutal.
brutalkidsnana
↓
205364c5-5acf-466d-8130-2e10bf8f65b7.gif
Oh. Hi, Mac, Caylee. I didn't see you there.
caylee
↓
e6a2e62f-0005-428b-946e-c5e23e51ba0a.gif
- What are you doing here? - This is my nana.
nana
↓
ee36d9bd-7313-4726-a4a5-6eed15134b2e.gif
She's on the mend, so I wanted to get her out of the house.
housemendwanted
↓
30ad0e4b-d656-4a87-82ab-8aed97e39b7a.gif
- This is your grandmother? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is Nana. Yeah. Isn’t she precious?
grandmothernanaprecious
↓
42a18036-1490-43da-8da9-2c6c8ab6c811.gif
My grandmother was a lesbian.
grandmotherlesbian
↓
c477e676-99bc-4773-9db1-6131e688b8ba.gif
Well? How does it look?
↓
1d1c3135-d0f9-485e-9461-92b1f0b6f0ca.gif
It's great. You look like a lizard.
lizard
↓
919df327-7e27-4822-a039-a481240d7512.gif
I like turtles. Okay.
turtles
↓
c8350e3f-64d7-4c87-b2ec-27564b97f1fb.gif
Ooh, look! A carney!
carney
↓
e8fb1777-f08b-46b2-8a1b-554bee95f505.gif
## Ooh! Eh. Frank! Hey, Frank! What are you doing?
frank
↓
3c427435-4e78-4282-9a40-2edc7cf5c6ad.gif
Lose the tie. You're way overdressed. I got a new angle.
anglelose
↓
75cc5964-7c7d-4db5-9c13-fb23e7cca645.gif
What? No, Dennis, this does not change...
changedennis
↓
a2d0fed2-c6e8-4471-99dc-9922a33eb0b0.gif
Leave us alone. What? What? Just listen to me for one second, okay?
alonesecond
↓
30e99681-5860-4751-9eda-12cd3be27b14.gif
Dennis, I've been looking all over for you. Where you been?
dennislooking
↓
dd8c34ab-3016-4737-8be1-89dee6657cc4.gif
Hello. Dr. Toboggan. Nice to meet you. Hi.
meettoboggan
↓
6e73120f-33bf-4d96-861c-79f4568dc2d0.gif
Frank, what are you doing?
frank
↓
aacbc6b5-62e9-46cc-8cb6-0b8902e3eded.gif
Actually, it's Mantis. Mantis Toboggan, M.D.
mantistoboggan
↓
07e26466-dfc5-4c40-83fe-8f1a2c2841b4.gif
I got your test results. You're positive. You got the H.I.V.
positiveresultstesttest-results
↓
2f7cdcff-a818-4e8c-abbf-6abba1ed57cf.gif
Yes, AIDS. Big time! What the hell you talking about?
aids
↓
7ef3f3c1-39aa-460e-89cf-66040a0fa4d4.gif
Dennis, what- You got the AIDS big time!
aidsdennis
↓
754d5bec-aedb-4bc6-863e-706c6d7098ca.gif
What are you doing, dude? Did you see her face? Look at her.
face
↓
c691d6c0-9899-49cd-86fa-f6bba5cf2193.gif
I'm breaking her down. I'm making her feel worthless. You see?
breakingworthless
↓
64be4a8e-b14d-440f-bc6c-0feb11d1bf75.gif
She thinks she's got the H. I.V. Then I slip in.
slipthinks
↓
04c70123-5469-4064-b6e1-8e81e2b791e0.gif
- ## Get it? - There is an order here, dude! Get back in line!
lineorder
↓
7b1829cc-a0be-45fa-8573-5d3722955493.gif
No! No more thirds for Frankie! Seconds from now on!
frankieseconds
↓
a5d0d1d3-0361-4bbb-9361-d05b65a5c5a4.gif
All right! That was rough!
rough
↓
bddb4b4d-7711-492f-b852-df4933139f9e.gif
Fifteen. Fifteen.
fifteen
↓
e4a218ad-1c66-4e7c-b8e3-3123ca58f924.gif
It's 'cause I'm getting tired. My arm's blown out.
armsblowntired
↓
51bbd97c-4926-424a-9f07-b4c3ff4f9317.gif
Hey, Speed Pitch. You want to play? Okay.
pitchspeed
↓
272f41b3-a20b-4667-afc1-fa9715b2c1fe.gif
Oh! Hey, wait, wait. Hey, guy. Do you work here?
↓
79e69d92-f809-4722-b9a4-4a50cadeb8e7.gif
Yeah. Yeah! Oh, shit. Ben, look. A carney.
carney
↓
dd18544e-5975-4a67-ba63-a84e7e230dc6.gif
Hey.
↓
a7f5a16f-ec49-4aa5-bc2b-2993e94bc125.gif
So, I wonder if there's a kissing booth anywhere close.
boothclosekissingwonder
↓
78dc35f1-68c6-4834-ac9c-725e017ef025.gif
Sixty-four!
foursixty
↓
c274d691-5d0c-49cc-b8fa-c62282d2c183.gif
Ow! Ow!
↓
10422c02-f4ca-4c7a-9a62-6973fd895321.gif
Ow, you stabbed me! He stabbed me with a key!
stabbed
↓
c54f2810-540e-4612-a208-51bfd0144230.gif
Will someone- someone call a doctor! Ow!
doctor
↓
a4ec9dcb-fc54-4081-a213-cc439f59364f.gif
You idiot! Why would you stab me? I was flirting with you!
flirtingidiotstab
↓
79184452-bfab-4d52-91c5-cecfd88abd3d.gif
That guy paid me to.
paid
↓
c5d6ff65-0af3-4533-83ee-e6c2e8d07c27.gif
You weren't supposed to stab her, man! You were supposed to stab her!
stabsupposed
↓
5c92390a-752e-40a7-ba12-11fb407e5590.gif
What? You want to have me stabbed?
stabbed
↓
1d3d22d4-dc63-4170-ab75-379ea35a60e8.gif
I was gonna protect you from the stabbing.
protectstabbing
↓
f91ad951-1333-47e3-9eaa-ee0ec6297824.gif
Wrong! Wrong!
↓
7429f98c-73f7-4f23-ab58-4d3a30a51eb7.gif
Wrong! Wrong!
↓
f18fefc6-db4a-4d9c-9544-e5a3cf708f51.gif
You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery,
arteryhitshopemainstabbedsupposed
↓
d5e45353-ec15-46af-962f-4f341783e6b7.gif
and then as she's dying you nurse her back to health,
dyinghealthnurse
↓
e10f18c4-39ae-49d1-ae8c-4bd87b9e46e9.gif
thereby making her totally dependent on you! Ohh!
dependentthereby
↓
6768a546-8ad4-47cd-b606-33ed4c19cffd.gif
See, this is why nobody should be going off my system!
nobodysystem
↓
faf145a9-97c7-46d6-9b1d-f112016cdda7.gif
What do you mean, "Off your system?"
system
↓
8c0ef17e-2a9b-497f-b96f-be6e36c7a2b8.gif
My system of seduction that I used to win your heart,
heartseductionsystemused
↓
e0669873-5907-4c4d-b73a-8a16c9768440.gif
that these idiots are ruining right now!
idiotsruining
↓
3d78ea71-9c66-47f1-a184-843ce9dc6144.gif
Ben's the only one who's using it properly.
bensproperlyusing
↓
36ad3f21-fdbe-4247-8f45-063808a06b83.gif
- Ben, explain the system. - I don't know what you're talking about.
explainsystem
↓
85484bcb-e54e-4f94-a0ba-4deeac4c43f7.gif
You had your face painted like a goddamn frog person and you have no ulterior motive here?
facefroggoddamnmotivepaintedperson
↓
258d7b86-5faa-41d2-9858-a66545f13fee.gif
- I'm a lizard. - Oh, whoops! Oh!
lizardwhoops
↓
af567b98-c17d-40c6-a4af-448839da0b5f.gif
I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong.
condomdongdroppedmagnummonster
↓
19e68d0e-c215-4eae-90e3-0fbf02bf089a.gif
I'm out of here.
↓
f5b44aad-402e-4b43-af55-feb543e75f8b.gif
I'll give you a ride! Thank you.
ride
↓
cea0e942-b6e6-410d-8fcb-5adbfa2c4dea.gif
What? What are you doing? I'm leaving.
leaving
↓
cdc368c5-f23d-4571-853d-fd45a4b8c34b.gif
Dee, I don't like you. Well, how is that possible?
possible
↓
5c91d044-81fd-439d-bf61-57e32554e066.gif
You're a mean person.
person
↓
4f38d592-4842-4575-be92-060884aa3340.gif
You know what? You go! You get outta here!
outta
↓
3055b11e-e8ba-4e27-adf4-89b9f2b2ce98.gif
Way to go, jerks! Good job! Yeah? Way to go to you.
jerks
↓
fc389e93-0c8b-4d79-979d-e073c6a7ea61.gif
You work at a fair, carney! Don't call her a carney, man.
carneyfair
↓
f8e6c91b-d4e8-4917-bc42-eb1f4966094c.gif
I don't need you to take up for me! Get out of here!
↓
813bed08-ae53-483b-b892-fede2f2ac0f0.gif
Shut up! Just go! Get outta here! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
outta
↓
8df9e76d-aeb3-4de6-b847-a46f769c7a2e.gif
Idiots ruining my system. Everybody ruins my system! Nobody gets it!
everybodyidiotsnobodyruiningruinssystem
↓
a5a2b16f-d7f0-46bd-a5e3-3fb8890b1367.gif
Oh, system, my ass. I hate carnivals.
hatesystem
↓
582dace7-2a24-4f32-863b-e0fef3a01a77.gif
I need a ride.
ride
↓
30f7fe8d-169f-4cf7-937c-e3663f2c85a3.gif
Is there anybody out there that could take me home?
anybodyhome
↓
8e5c3493-4ff6-4ac7-b0eb-4bee701485d2.gif
ENGLISH - US - PSDH
englishpsdh