Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E08 — Paddy's Pub - Home of the Original Kitten Mittens

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 8 — Paddy's Pub - Home of the Original Kitten Mittens

Hello. Charlie Kelly here,

#1

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local business owner and cat enthusiast.

#2

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Is your cat making too much noise all the time?

#3

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Is your cat constantly stomping around, driving you crazy?

#4

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Is your cat clawing at your furnitures?

#5

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Think there's no answer?

#6

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You're so stupid! There is.

#7

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Kitten Mittens.

#8

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Finally, there's an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats.

#9

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I couldn't hear anything.

#10

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Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny or an in-between?

#11

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That doesn't matter, 'cause one size fits all.

#12

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Kitten Mittens. You'll be smitten.

#13

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So come on down to Paddy's Pub.

#14

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We're the home of the original Kitten Mittens.

#15

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Mee-ow!

#16

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So, lately at night, I've been forced to fall asleep to the deafening sound...

#17

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of, like, a hundred alley cats tapping on my windows, trying to get in.

#18

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You know what I mean? Thus, Kitten Mittens.

#19

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Right? I'm making a quieter cat.

#20

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And then I made the sales tape when I heard about the merchandising convention.

#21

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- Ooh, question. - Mac, go.

#22

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Thank you. Uh, what merchandising convention?

#23

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They're having one down at the Sheraton. All right?

#24

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So I figured, what a better place to, like, find investors for my product.

#25

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What do moronic Kitten Mittens have to do with our bar?

#26

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Okay. One, they're not moronic. They're awesome. Mmm.

#27

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And two, uh, nothing.

#28

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Look, Charlie, I kinda like this. I might jump in on this with you here.

#29

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I think it's a good idea. We could do T-shirts.

#30

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We could do beach towels, those nudie pens.

#31

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Okay. It's about time, you know, we get some merchandise in here,

#32

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and I start making some money off this place. What?

#33

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What are you talking about? You're not gonna make any money of this place.

#34

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You don't own a piece of the bar. No, but I own...

#35

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a hundred percent of the merchandising.

#36

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It's in my contract. What contract?

#37

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The contract you had me sign when I first started working here.

#38

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What?

#39

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Dee, we got you to sign that contract so we could pay you less than minimum wage.

#40

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Okay? We're never gonna merchandise anything in the bar.

#41

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But now we are.

#42

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To be honest, I don't even remember signing any kind of contract.

#43

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Oh, you don't remember? Did it slip your mind?

#44

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That's okay, 'cause it's right here.

#45

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I keep it in this drawer so that you two jerks don't try...

#46

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Hey, hey! Wait! What are you doing?

#47

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- Oh! - You son of a bitch!

#48

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That doesn't nullify it, you know?

#49

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Oh, why? Do you have another copy?

#50

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I... don't.

#51

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I don't, but you can't just go eat a contract!

#52

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- He just did eat it. - All right. I'm talking to a lawyer about this.

#53

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You don't have a leg to stand on.

#54

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Yeah, go ahead. Yeah!

#55

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This is making me think maybe I should slap a patent...

#56

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on my Kitten Mittens before you guys try and steal that too, huh?

#57

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I can see it in your eyes. You're all over this, aren't you?

#58

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You know, I gotta say, Mac,

#59

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my instinct to steal this idea is very strong.

#60

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Kitten Mittens? No, idiot. Merchandising in the bar.

#61

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Yeah. I'm thinking we take this merchandising convention...

#62

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as an opportunity to make merchandise for Paddy's. Right.

#63

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You know? Like, expand our brand. You know? Make a little "mon-ay"!

#64

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Who's gonna buy merchandise to a bar that they've never been to?

#65

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Uh, hello, Frank.

#66

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I've never been to Fiji.

#67

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All right. Well, how about, like, hard-boiled eggs from Paddy's Bar?

#68

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Green eggs. Says "Paddy's" on them.

#69

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You keep them on your desk when you go to work.

#70

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Who's gonna want to keep a hard-boiled egg on their desk at work?

#71

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Oh, all right. Then you put it on your dashboard of your car.

#72

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It's just a jumping-off point. Frank, keeping hard-boiled eggs...

#73

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on your desktop or the dashboard of your car is not a jumping-off point.

#74

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Get the hell out of here, all right? Let us concentrate on doing the merchandising idea.

#75

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Clearly you don't get it. So I don't want- I don't get it?

#76

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You don't get it! I don't get it?

#77

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You don't get it! Oh, yeah? We'll see who doesn't get it!

#78

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Okay! Yeah!

#79

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All right!

#80

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All right, Charlie. Remember, this lawyer is not a big fan of ours.

#81

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So we're probably gonna have to turn the charm up a little bit in the beginning.

#82

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Know what I mean? I got a plan on how we can do that too.

#83

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See this picture of his wife right here? Mm-hmm.

#84

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What if we compliment her good looks? That gets us off on a good foot, right?

#85

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Are you kidding me?

#86

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That woman looks like a stone-cold bitch, and you know it.

#87

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And he knows it 'cause he turns the picture away from him.

#88

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Well, I'm trying to make lemonade here. Oh!

#89

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Ooh, there he is. How did you get in here?

#90

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Hey! Aw, we just...

#91

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There's the man! The old-fashioned way- with doors and feet and walking.

#92

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You know, we were just having a conversation about how lovely your wife is.

#93

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Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Very lovely.

#94

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I was not participating in that conversation, 'cause I don't find her lovely.

#95

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I think you're better than that. I think you can do better than that.

#96

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And I mean that as a compliment.

#97

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You are aware that there are other lawyers in Philadelphia?

#98

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But the three of us have a history. Sure.

#99

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We, uh- We have a past, if you will. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

#100

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And Charlie and I really like the fact that you don't charge.

#101

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I do charge. Okay? You don't pay.

#102

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We're both men of the law. You know?

#103

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We get after it. You know? We jabber-jaw. We go tit for tat.

#104

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We have our little differences.

#105

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But at the end of the day, you win some, I win some,

#106

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and there's a mutual respect left over between us. No.

#107

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Any respect that you're feeling that's coming from me is a mistake on your part.

#108

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Then I'll just regress, 'cause I feel like I've made myself perfectly redundant.

#109

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- Yes, you have. - I'm lost.

#110

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So I'm just gonna get down to brass tacks. I got a question for you.

#111

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Does a legal document hold up in a court of law if it has been ingested by the other party?

#112

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- I'm not- - Now, mind you, the heretofore document...

#113

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had- had dry ink on it for at least many "forknights,"

#114

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uh, hereto- We signed it a long time ago.

#115

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It was a long time ago signed.

#116

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I'm also gonna need a patent for the Kitten Mittens.

#117

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I'm sure you do. I was gonna ask you, "Hey, need Kitten Mitten patents?"

#118

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That's them. I'm sorry, sir.

#119

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But they locked me in a closet.

#120

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Yo, dude, dude, dude. I'm ready to show you my idea.

#121

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Me too. All right, let me go first, bro.

#122

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Let me show you mine, then you can go first. Then I'd be going second.

#123

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Yeah, great. Okay, now listen. When we're selling stuff...

#124

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at Paddy's, I think we need to be selling a certain attitude, right?

#125

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One that reflects our take-no-prisoners, rock-and-roll lifestyle.

#126

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Okay. Yeah?

#127

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Yeah. Now what says that more than this?

#128

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Huh?

#129

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Paddy's thong, dude! Paddy's thong!

#130

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You're wearing women's underwear? Yeah, bro!

#131

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You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear.

#132

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What's more sexual than a high-waisted thong riding high up a woman's backside?

#133

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Nothing. Dude, come on. Paddy's thong is gonna be a huge hit with chicks.

#134

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Okay. All right. Uh, question. Yeah, Mac. Go.

#135

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Dennis, are women gonna wanna buy their underpants in a bar?

#136

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No. Women will not buy their underwear in a bar,

#137

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but men will buy the underwear for their women in a bar...

#138

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because it's not for women, it's for men.

#139

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It's a visual stimulant, bro. I'm not wearing these because I'm comfortable.

#140

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I'm wearing them because I want to turn you on. You know what I'm saying?

#141

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You get it? Yeah.

#142

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Yeah, bro. It's visual stimulation. Okay. Yeah.

#143

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Can I go now? Yeah, sure.

#144

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I've been waiting for a long time. Okay. Okay, I'm thinking to myself,

#145

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what do people love more than anything else in the world?

#146

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They love comedy! They do love comedy.

#147

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Everybody loves comedy, right? So- And I'm funny. I can do funny.

#148

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But you gotta have functionality with your comedy, okay?

#149

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Right. You can't just go throwing jokes around willy-nilly.

#150

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Oh. So I did one of those.

#151

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You drew a men's buttocks on a towel. Yeah.

#152

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You get out of the shower in the college dorm.

#153

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They got the butt, right? People are laughing. Okay.

#154

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Your buddies are laughing.

#155

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And then you give them one of these. Boom!

#156

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Oh, that is big! That's a big monster dick.

#157

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That's huge. That's the biggest dick you ever seen.

#158

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Yeah, that's really- That's not how you see yourself though?

#159

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Now that's funny. That's funny. That is funny.

#160

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Yeah, people are gonna laugh at that. But, bro, that's just the setup.

#161

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What is it? For this.

#162

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Ding-ding-ding!

#163

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Oh, it's a baby dick.

#164

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Yeah! We're gonna sell a million of these, dude.

#165

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We are gonna sell a million of those, dude. We'll do black ones...

#166

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and yellow ones for the Asians.

#167

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That is probably more Asian than anything else. Dude- Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

#168

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Maybe a little bit more bush. We should set up a Web site for it.

#169

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Already did it. You did?

#170

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Dicktowel.com.

#171

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Dicktowel.com.

#172

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Well, you don't think I know what's going on? Huh? Oh, Jesus Christ!

#173

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I don't get it? Huh? Open your mouth, bitch. What?

#174

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Prepare to be blasted, bitch! Brenda!

#175

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This is my new merchandising idea.

#176

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It's a gun that shoots liquor into your mouth!

#177

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You threw tequila in my eye!

#178

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Well, I haven't figured out how to get the tequila to come out of the barrel of the gun.

#179

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But I'm working on it. What the hell does she have to do with anything?

#180

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Check her out. I mean, she's gorgeous.

#181

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You bring a woman with cans like that into the convention, you sell the idea in a second.

#182

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So this is your plan? You're gonna go into the convention...

#183

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waving a gun in people's faces, throwing tequila in everybody's eyes...

#184

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with a big-titted woman? Duh, yeah!

#185

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Frank, get the hell out of here! Your ideas are ridiculous!

#186

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Okay. Okay. Suck on this, bitches.

#187

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Huh? Huh? Paddy's Pub stress ball.

#188

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You give this to people. They put it on their desk.

#189

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And then during the day, you squeeze it when you have any tension.

#190

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Right. Oh, goddamn it, Frank! That's just an egg!

#191

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It's a jumping-off point. Get out!

#192

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All right. Get the hell out of here! Just get the hell out of here!

#193

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Don't even listen to them. You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ.

#194

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Okay, we're stealing that gun shot idea, right? Gun shot idea's awesome.

#195

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You see any sign of that lawyer or his secretary?

#196

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No, and I don't know why you think we're gonna catch him having an affair.

#197

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I mean, the guy's wife is really hot. No, she's not.

#198

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And also, why does he turn her picture away from him...

#199

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so he doesn't have to look at her face?

#200

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Why are we in this shady motel where we saw him go in?

#201

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I'm telling you, he's- he's banging that secretary.

#202

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I don't know. It just doesn't add up.

#203

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She's an attractive lady, you know? She's not attractive.

#204

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Oh, my God! What?

#205

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The woman in the room right next to him...

#206

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she just ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy!

#207

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Charlie, could you focus on the lawyer's room, please?

#208

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We're not here to blackmail a lady for eating too many cookies.

#209

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Did you say an entire sleeve though? An entire sleeve.

#210

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That's a lot of cookies. She a big lady?

#211

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Of course. She's a humongous lady. Yeah. Of course.

#212

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Oh, shit. I see him. He's walking towards the car. He's walking towards the car!

#213

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Get down! Shh! Why is he coming towards us?

#214

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Get down and hold still!

#215

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All right. Um, so what are you people doing in my car now?

#216

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Okay, let me explain that. Uh- Yeah.

#217

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We were staking you out last night- kinda spying on you. Mm-hmm.

#218

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It got a little cold. It dropped down, right? It was freezing, wasn't it?

#219

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Did you feel that? So we jimmied your lock and spent the night in here.

#220

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Okay. Uh, so why were you spying on me all night?

#221

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Because you're having an affair, and we're gonna blackmail you for your services.

#222

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Okay. I hate to disappoint you, but I am not having an affair.

#223

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Oh, yeah? Then why do you turn your wife's picture away from your desk...

#224

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so you don't have to look at her face?

#225

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Why are you staying in this seedy motel?

#226

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And why does it look like you've been crying all night?

#227

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I'll tell you what I think. I think you feel guilty.

#228

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All right, listen. If you must know,

#229

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my wife is leaving me.

#230

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And I have to sleep in this fleabag motel.

#231

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And I am still very much in love with my wife, which makes this divorce very difficult.

#232

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Thus you have the turning away of the photo...

#233

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and you have, you know, the crying episodes, and the what-have-you.

#234

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Mmm. Sad.

#235

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Okay, that's our bad. We, uh...

#236

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It all comes together- That makes a lot of sense though.

#237

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In a different way than I thought.

#238

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God, divorce is tough. The picture sort of coming together for you all?

#239

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You must be all ripped up about that.

#240

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So, um- Do you want to have a conversation...

#241

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about helping us out with our Kitten Mitten patent and...

#242

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I thought this contract- You know what? If, um...

#243

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Why don't you get out of my car? We should go now.

#244

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Why don't you just get out of my car?

#245

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You've had a hard couple of days.

#246

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Okay, consumer, are you ready to get blasted in the mouth by Paddy's Shotgun?

#247

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Yeah. One, two, three!

#248

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Ah!

#249

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Goddamn it, dude! You just cannot blast water out of a gun.

#250

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The technology is just not there.

#251

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They did sort of figure it out with water guns, so I don't know why...

#252

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Yeah, but a water gun doesn't have the same feel to it, you know?

#253

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It doesn't. You want to feel the weight of a real gun in your mouth.

#254

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You want to taste the metal. You want to feel the steel, man, you know?

#255

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Okay, bro, new plan. Yeah.

#256

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Let's just make a video, show that at the convention.

#257

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Not like Charlie's video though. Ours needs to be cool.

#258

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No, no, no, dude. Way cooler than Charlie's.

#259

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With, like, quick cuts and awesome music...

#260

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and eagles flying through the air and picking up trout out of rivers and shit.

#261

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Ripping it apart and eating it, you know? It's so cool.

#262

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That'll excite people. Yeah.

#263

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They'll want to invest.

#264

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Then we'll let the brainiacs in China figure out the technology.

#265

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Yeah. But the point is- is it's got to really grab people's attention.

#266

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You know what I mean? All right. I did a little tweaking and...

#267

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- What is that? - Paddy's Shotgun, bro!

#268

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You get blasted in the mouth!

#269

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- You stole my idea! - No, no, no, Frank. We tweaked your idea.

#270

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We took what was a good idea and we made it a great idea.

#271

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We're also gonna get a bustier chick. No offense, ma'am.

#272

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You're very busty. Your breasts are very large.

#273

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But, uh, we want to go weird with it. We want to get really freakish.

#274

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I would like to get your number, actually, though at some point.

#275

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Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look. You can't just take somebody's idea,

#276

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change the name of it and then sell it.

#277

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That's the American way, bro. Yeah!

#278

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Yeah. Take a look at Hard Rock Cafe. Got tweaked by Planet Hollywood.

#279

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Coke got tweaked by Pepsi. Transformers got tweaked by GoBots.

#280

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Our job is to step aside and let the consumer decide.

#281

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Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna get a patent for this and sue your balls off.

#282

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We're gonna get a patent too, Frank, so screw you.

#283

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Kiss it.

#284

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- Knock, knock. - Hey, friend!

#285

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Hey, we got you a little something to take your mind off your current wife situation.

#286

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Sandy, have a seat right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#287

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- This is Sandy. - Yep, and everything's been taken care of financially.

#288

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She's been briefed on the divorce.

#289

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She knows all about everything that's going on. She knows all about it.

#290

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And, you know, because you've been talking about the whole money thing a little bit...

#291

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You said that we hadn't paid you, and we felt bad about that,

#292

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so we're kinda hoping that this is sort of a compensation of sorts.

#293

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Sandy does that. Sandy.

#294

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- She's the payment. - Lawyer, check out this freakish whore we found.

#295

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Hey. Whoa. What the hell are you guys doing here?

#296

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I came to see the lawyer to sue you for breach of contract. What's with the busty chick?

#297

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We're gonna throw a patent on her and a couple of other things.

#298

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Now, I see that you have a- a lovely busty woman as well.

#299

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Yeah! We brought one.

#300

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Well, she's a lady of the night. She's a prostitute.

#301

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Don't get too excited. And she's his lady, because he's going through a messy divorce.

#302

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We paid her. So we're gonna have them have...

#303

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some sexual relations as sort of a payment.

#304

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Ah. Wow. Divorce, huh? That's never fun.

#305

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Oh, yeah. No, it's terrible. He's all broken up about it.

#306

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She left him- probably 'cause he cheated on her, I'm guessing,

#307

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'cause look what a cold bitch she is. She was mean to him.

#308

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It's a mess. He's been crying.

#309

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I tell you what, buddy. I can help you out.

#310

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I'm gonna toss a frame bang your way.

#311

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Now here's how that works. I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping,

#312

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and I ease into her real nice.

#313

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That way, you're both cheating on each other, and she can't clean you out.

#314

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That's a win-win.

#315

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Goddamn shoes. You can't run in 'em.

#316

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- Ah, son of a bitch. - Come on in. What- What's with the broads?

#317

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You're stealing that idea too?

#318

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No! No, we're not stealing...

#319

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Yes, you are. We're tweaking your idea.

#320

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You're stealing that idea.

#321

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Guys- You're stealing my idea!

#322

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Can you take your ladies outside?

#323

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Stop! Stop! Everyone stop!

#324

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I will take care of all of your legal needs...

#325

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if each of you agrees to never seek my legal advice again.

#326

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What? Great.

#327

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For free? No problem.

#328

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And, you, promise not to break into my home...

#329

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and rape my wife while she's sleeping.

#330

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Bro, rape? I wasn't talking about raping your wife.

#331

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I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps.

#332

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And I was gonna do it for you, you son of a b- All right, fine. I won't do it.

#333

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Great. Now we're all here. Let's get into this.

#334

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- Deandra. - Yeah.

#335

⇓

You want to sue these guys over some sort of breach of contract thing?

#336

⇓

Yes. This one ate a contract that said I got all the rights to the Paddy's Pub merchandise.

#337

⇓

- That never happened. - It happened!

#338

⇓

Okay, why don't you throw out the suit...

#339

⇓

if they agree to sign a contract that grants you...

#340

⇓

50% of the merchandising rights for Paddy's Pub?

#341

⇓

Fifty percent? I'll take it.

#342

⇓

Deal. Yes!

#343

⇓

What the hell you doing, dude? I'll just eat the contract later.

#344

⇓

We would also like to make a patent on Paddy's Shotgun...

#345

⇓

and this very large-breasted woman who's gonna be shooting the gun into your face.

#346

⇓

- Objection! - This is not a court of law.

#347

⇓

Sustained! Frank, move to strike.

#348

⇓

They stole my idea! Open your mouth!

#349

⇓

Christ's sakes, dude!

#350

⇓

- Oh! - Jesus Christ!

#351

⇓

Whoa, man! Whoa!

#352

⇓

Oh, my God!

#353

⇓

How did you get that much propulsion on the gun?

#354

⇓

I made tequila bullets, but I guess I put too much gunpowder in.

#355

⇓

New deal! We are taking that propulsion and putting it in our shotgun!

#356

⇓

No, no, no. That deal sucks.

#357

⇓

Okay. Why don't you just use both guns?

#358

⇓

That's an even better idea.

#359

⇓

Two guns! Okay.

#360

⇓

Six boobs! We're all on the same team!

#361

⇓

Okay. I like that idea. Yeah!

#362

⇓

Yeah! All right.

#363

⇓

And, you, you want a right to the cat gloves?

#364

⇓

Mittens, dude. Pay attention.

#365

⇓

So sorry, sir. They duct-taped me to the bathroom sink.

#366

⇓

How in the hell did she get out of that? I don't know.

#367

⇓

Next up, we have submission 35...

#368

⇓

a potential investment opportunity in merchandising...

#369

⇓

for a, uh- a Paddy's Pub.

#370

⇓

Yeah!

#371

⇓

You're really sweaty, man. Well, my eyes are really burning here, Charlie.

#372

⇓

Start again. Start-

#373

⇓

Yeah, that's good.

#374

⇓

Action, Frank.

#375

⇓

Go, Frank, now. Go.

#376

⇓

Frank, just do the- Say the line now. Let me have a drink.

#377

⇓

How about a shot?

#378

⇓

What the...

#379

⇓

# This is how we do it #

#380

⇓

Paddy's Pub,

#381

⇓

home of the original shotgun and gun shot!

#382

⇓

Are you shooting me? Shoot the girls. Shoot the girls.

#383

⇓

Do shots as they were intended...

#384

⇓

by blasting them directly into your mouth!

#385

⇓

Awesome! I'm wasted!

#386

⇓

But that's not all!

#387

⇓

Dick towel! Dot-com.

#388

⇓

Nudie pen!

#389

⇓

# All the gangbangers forgot about the drive-by #

#390

⇓

- Egg. - So come on, dude!

#391

⇓

Invest in our merchandise and...

#392

⇓

Get blasted!

#393

⇓

Okay. Uh, why don't we just take a break?

#394

⇓

Huh. That did not look cool.

#395

⇓

No. Well, we had to edit while we shot.

#396

⇓

You know, and we just didn't have time. God, that was terrible.

#397

⇓

Does your cat walk around too much? Does your cat make too much noise?

#398

⇓

Guess who just found some investors for Kitten Mittens!

#399

⇓

I told you! People love stupid shit!

#400

⇓

Why do you keep calling it stupid though? It's really pretty stupid.

#401

⇓

Why do you keep calling it stupid? But people are stupid too, so...

#402

⇓

Hello!

#403

⇓

Hey, there he is! What's up, man? Hey, nice tie.

#404

⇓

- What are you doing here? - Congratulations on the sale.

#405

⇓

Thank you very much. Oh, you were there?

#406

⇓

Yeah. How much money am I gonna make?

#407

⇓

Do what now?

#408

⇓

Oh. The contract that you all blindly signed...

#409

⇓

grants me 100% of the profits...

#410

⇓

from any merchandising opportunities from your little bar.

#411

⇓

And Kitten Mittens- I own that.

#412

⇓

Dude! I had to get paid by you people somehow.

#413

⇓

Well, that's what the hooker was for!

#414

⇓

Dude! All right. Touché.

#415

⇓

You out-lawyered me there. Mm-hmm.

#416

⇓

Okay. Tell you what though.

#417

⇓

Let's split Kitten Mittens 50-50,

#418

⇓

and then you'll never see me again. Wow. Fifty-fifty?

#419

⇓

Mmm, let me think about that.

#420

⇓

How about if I never see you again because the contract...

#421

⇓

that you all signed also included a restraining order?

#422

⇓

Which you're all currently violating.

#423

⇓

Uh, excuse me, sir. Can I see these supposed documents that you have?

#424

⇓

Why, yes. Um, in fact,

#425

⇓

I happen to have that right here.

#426

⇓

Ah! Yeah!

#427

⇓

I knew it!

#428

⇓

It's still new enough to be edible. That's an edible contract!

#429

⇓

Right in your face! Really? Yeah.

#430

⇓

You know, fortunately, I made hundreds of copies of that.

#431

⇓

Goddamn.

#432

⇓

So, uh, why don't you all have just a nice day.

#433

⇓

Mmm.

#434

⇓

You can probably stop eating that now.

#435

⇓

ENGLISH - US - PSDH

#436

⇓