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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E08 — Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 8 — Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens

Air date: November 05, 2009

Director: Randall Einhorn

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

The gang decides to expand their business by developing a number of products that they could sell at Paddy's pub.

Source: TMDB

↓

Hello. Charlie Kelly here,

charlie charlie-kelly kelly

↓

local business owner and cat enthusiast.

business enthusiast local owner

↓

Is your cat making too much noise all the time?

noise

↓

Is your cat constantly stomping around, driving you crazy?

constantly crazy driving

↓

Is your cat clawing at your furnitures?

↓

Think there's no answer?

answer

↓

You're so stupid! There is.

stupid

↓

Kitten Mittens.

kitten kitten-mittens mittens

↓

Finally, there's an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats.

cats comfortable elegant finally

↓

I couldn't hear anything.

↓

Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny or an in-between?

skinny

↓

That doesn't matter, 'cause one size fits all.

fits matter size

↓

Kitten Mittens. You'll be smitten.

kitten kitten-mittens mittens

↓

So come on down to Paddy's Pub.

paddys

↓

We're the home of the original Kitten Mittens.

home kitten kitten-mittens mittens original

↓

Mee-ow!

↓

So, lately at night, I've been forced to fall asleep to the deafening sound...

asleep fall fall-asleep forced lately night sound

↓

of, like, a hundred alley cats tapping on my windows, trying to get in.

alley cats hundred tapping windows

↓

You know what I mean? Thus, Kitten Mittens.

kitten kitten-mittens mittens

↓

Right? I'm making a quieter cat.

quieter

↓

And then I made the sales tape when I heard about the merchandising convention.

convention heard merchandising sales tape

↓

- Ooh, question. - Mac, go.

question

↓

Thank you. Uh, what merchandising convention?

convention merchandising

↓

They're having one down at the Sheraton. All right?

having

↓

So I figured, what a better place to, like, find investors for my product.

figured investors place product

↓

What do moronic Kitten Mittens have to do with our bar?

kitten kitten-mittens mittens moronic

↓

Okay. One, they're not moronic. They're awesome. Mmm.

awesome moronic

↓

And two, uh, nothing.

↓

Look, Charlie, I kinda like this. I might jump in on this with you here.

charlie jump kinda might

↓

I think it's a good idea. We could do T-shirts.

idea shirts

↓

We could do beach towels, those nudie pens.

beach pens towels

↓

Okay. It's about time, you know, we get some merchandise in here,

merchandise

↓

and I start making some money off this place. What?

money place start

↓

What are you talking about? You're not gonna make any money of this place.

money place

↓

You don't own a piece of the bar. No, but I own...

piece

↓

a hundred percent of the merchandising.

hundred hundred-percent merchandising percent

↓

It's in my contract. What contract?

contract

↓

The contract you had me sign when I first started working here.

contract sign started started-working working

↓

What?

↓

Dee, we got you to sign that contract so we could pay you less than minimum wage.

contract less minimum minimum-wage sign wage

↓

Okay? We're never gonna merchandise anything in the bar.

merchandise

↓

But now we are.

↓

To be honest, I don't even remember signing any kind of contract.

contract honest remember signing

↓

Oh, you don't remember? Did it slip your mind?

mind remember slip

↓

That's okay, 'cause it's right here.

↓

I keep it in this drawer so that you two jerks don't try...

drawer jerks

↓

Hey, hey! Wait! What are you doing?

↓

- Oh! - You son of a bitch!

bitch

↓

That doesn't nullify it, you know?

↓

Oh, why? Do you have another copy?

another copy

↓

I... don't.

↓

I don't, but you can't just go eat a contract!

contract

↓

- He just did eat it. - All right. I'm talking to a lawyer about this.

lawyer

↓

You don't have a leg to stand on.

stand

↓

Yeah, go ahead. Yeah!

ahead go-ahead

↓

This is making me think maybe I should slap a patent...

patent slap

↓

on my Kitten Mittens before you guys try and steal that too, huh?

kitten kitten-mittens mittens steal

↓

I can see it in your eyes. You're all over this, aren't you?

eyes

↓

You know, I gotta say, Mac,

↓

my instinct to steal this idea is very strong.

idea instinct steal strong

↓

Kitten Mittens? No, idiot. Merchandising in the bar.

idiot kitten kitten-mittens merchandising mittens

↓

Yeah. I'm thinking we take this merchandising convention...

convention merchandising thinking

↓

as an opportunity to make merchandise for Paddy's. Right.

merchandise opportunity paddys

↓

You know? Like, expand our brand. You know? Make a little "mon-ay"!

brand expand

↓

Who's gonna buy merchandise to a bar that they've never been to?

merchandise

↓

Uh, hello, Frank.

frank

↓

I've never been to Fiji.

↓

All right. Well, how about, like, hard-boiled eggs from Paddy's Bar?

boiled eggs hard hard-boiled paddys

↓

Green eggs. Says "Paddy's" on them.

eggs green paddys

↓

You keep them on your desk when you go to work.

desk

↓

Who's gonna want to keep a hard-boiled egg on their desk at work?

boiled desk hard hard-boiled

↓

Oh, all right. Then you put it on your dashboard of your car.

↓

It's just a jumping-off point. Frank, keeping hard-boiled eggs...

boiled eggs frank hard hard-boiled jumping keeping point

↓

on your desktop or the dashboard of your car is not a jumping-off point.

jumping point

↓

Get the hell out of here, all right? Let us concentrate on doing the merchandising idea.

concentrate idea merchandising

↓

Clearly you don't get it. So I don't want- I don't get it?

↓

You don't get it! I don't get it?

↓

You don't get it! Oh, yeah? We'll see who doesn't get it!

↓

Okay! Yeah!

↓

All right!

↓

All right, Charlie. Remember, this lawyer is not a big fan of ours.

charlie lawyer remember

↓

So we're probably gonna have to turn the charm up a little bit in the beginning.

beginning charm

↓

Know what I mean? I got a plan on how we can do that too.

plan

↓

See this picture of his wife right here? Mm-hmm.

picture wife

↓

What if we compliment her good looks? That gets us off on a good foot, right?

compliment foot

↓

Are you kidding me?

kidding

↓

That woman looks like a stone-cold bitch, and you know it.

bitch cold stone stone-cold woman

↓

And he knows it 'cause he turns the picture away from him.

knows picture turns

↓

Well, I'm trying to make lemonade here. Oh!

lemonade

↓

Ooh, there he is. How did you get in here?

↓

Hey! Aw, we just...

↓

There's the man! The old-fashioned way- with doors and feet and walking.

doors fashioned feet walking

↓

You know, we were just having a conversation about how lovely your wife is.

conversation having lovely wife

↓

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Very lovely.

lovely

↓

I was not participating in that conversation, 'cause I don't find her lovely.

conversation lovely participating

↓

I think you're better than that. I think you can do better than that.

↓

And I mean that as a compliment.

compliment

↓

You are aware that there are other lawyers in Philadelphia?

aware lawyers philadelphia

↓

But the three of us have a history. Sure.

history three

↓

We, uh- We have a past, if you will. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

past

↓

And Charlie and I really like the fact that you don't charge.

charge charlie fact

↓

I do charge. Okay? You don't pay.

charge

↓

We're both men of the law. You know?

↓

We get after it. You know? We jabber-jaw. We go tit for tat.

↓

We have our little differences.

differences

↓

But at the end of the day, you win some, I win some,

↓

and there's a mutual respect left over between us. No.

left mutual respect

↓

Any respect that you're feeling that's coming from me is a mistake on your part.

coming feeling mistake part respect

↓

Then I'll just regress, 'cause I feel like I've made myself perfectly redundant.

perfectly redundant

↓

- Yes, you have. - I'm lost.

lost

↓

So I'm just gonna get down to brass tacks. I got a question for you.

brass question

↓

Does a legal document hold up in a court of law if it has been ingested by the other party?

court document legal party

↓

- I'm not- - Now, mind you, the heretofore document...

document mind

↓

had- had dry ink on it for at least many "forknights,"

least

↓

uh, hereto- We signed it a long time ago.

signed

↓

It was a long time ago signed.

signed

↓

I'm also gonna need a patent for the Kitten Mittens.

kitten kitten-mittens mittens patent

↓

I'm sure you do. I was gonna ask you, "Hey, need Kitten Mitten patents?"

kitten

↓

That's them. I'm sorry, sir.

↓

But they locked me in a closet.

closet locked

↓

Yo, dude, dude, dude. I'm ready to show you my idea.

idea ready

↓

Me too. All right, let me go first, bro.

↓

Let me show you mine, then you can go first. Then I'd be going second.

second

↓

Yeah, great. Okay, now listen. When we're selling stuff...

selling stuff

↓

at Paddy's, I think we need to be selling a certain attitude, right?

attitude certain paddys selling

↓

One that reflects our take-no-prisoners, rock-and-roll lifestyle.

lifestyle prisoners rock roll

↓

Okay. Yeah?

↓

Yeah. Now what says that more than this?

↓

Huh?

↓

Paddy's thong, dude! Paddy's thong!

paddys thong

↓

You're wearing women's underwear? Yeah, bro!

underwear wearing womens

↓

You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear.

underwear wearing womens

↓

What's more sexual than a high-waisted thong riding high up a woman's backside?

backside riding sexual thong womans

↓

Nothing. Dude, come on. Paddy's thong is gonna be a huge hit with chicks.

chicks huge paddys thong

↓

Okay. All right. Uh, question. Yeah, Mac. Go.

question

↓

Dennis, are women gonna wanna buy their underpants in a bar?

dennis underpants women

↓

No. Women will not buy their underwear in a bar,

underwear women

↓

but men will buy the underwear for their women in a bar...

underwear women

↓

because it's not for women, it's for men.

women

↓

It's a visual stimulant, bro. I'm not wearing these because I'm comfortable.

comfortable visual wearing

↓

I'm wearing them because I want to turn you on. You know what I'm saying?

wearing

↓

You get it? Yeah.

↓

Yeah, bro. It's visual stimulation. Okay. Yeah.

visual

↓

Can I go now? Yeah, sure.

↓

I've been waiting for a long time. Okay. Okay, I'm thinking to myself,

thinking waiting

↓

what do people love more than anything else in the world?

love world

↓

They love comedy! They do love comedy.

comedy love

↓

Everybody loves comedy, right? So- And I'm funny. I can do funny.

comedy everybody everybody-loves funny loves

↓

But you gotta have functionality with your comedy, okay?

comedy

↓

Right. You can't just go throwing jokes around willy-nilly.

jokes nilly throwing willy willy-nilly

↓

Oh. So I did one of those.

↓

You drew a men's buttocks on a towel. Yeah.

drew mens towel

↓

You get out of the shower in the college dorm.

college dorm shower

↓

They got the butt, right? People are laughing. Okay.

butt laughing

↓

Your buddies are laughing.

buddies laughing

↓

And then you give them one of these. Boom!

boom

↓

Oh, that is big! That's a big monster dick.

dick monster

↓

That's huge. That's the biggest dick you ever seen.

biggest dick huge seen

↓

Yeah, that's really- That's not how you see yourself though?

↓

Now that's funny. That's funny. That is funny.

funny

↓

Yeah, people are gonna laugh at that. But, bro, that's just the setup.

laugh setup

↓

What is it? For this.

↓

Ding-ding-ding!

ding ding-ding ding-ding-ding

↓

Oh, it's a baby dick.

baby dick

↓

Yeah! We're gonna sell a million of these, dude.

million sell

↓

We are gonna sell a million of those, dude. We'll do black ones...

black million ones sell

↓

and yellow ones for the Asians.

asians ones yellow

↓

That is probably more Asian than anything else. Dude- Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

asian gosh

↓

Maybe a little bit more bush. We should set up a Web site for it.

bush site

↓

Already did it. You did?

↓

Dicktowel.com.

↓

Dicktowel.com.

↓

Well, you don't think I know what's going on? Huh? Oh, Jesus Christ!

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

I don't get it? Huh? Open your mouth, bitch. What?

bitch mouth open

↓

Prepare to be blasted, bitch! Brenda!

bitch blasted brenda prepare

↓

This is my new merchandising idea.

idea merchandising

↓

It's a gun that shoots liquor into your mouth!

liquor mouth shoots

↓

You threw tequila in my eye!

tequila threw

↓

Well, I haven't figured out how to get the tequila to come out of the barrel of the gun.

barrel figured tequila

↓

But I'm working on it. What the hell does she have to do with anything?

working

↓

Check her out. I mean, she's gorgeous.

check gorgeous

↓

You bring a woman with cans like that into the convention, you sell the idea in a second.

bring cans convention idea second sell woman

↓

So this is your plan? You're gonna go into the convention...

convention plan

↓

waving a gun in people's faces, throwing tequila in everybody's eyes...

everybodys eyes faces peoples peoples-faces tequila throwing waving

↓

with a big-titted woman? Duh, yeah!

woman

↓

Frank, get the hell out of here! Your ideas are ridiculous!

frank ideas ridiculous

↓

Okay. Okay. Suck on this, bitches.

bitches suck

↓

Huh? Huh? Paddy's Pub stress ball.

ball paddys stress

↓

You give this to people. They put it on their desk.

desk

↓

And then during the day, you squeeze it when you have any tension.

squeeze tension

↓

Right. Oh, goddamn it, Frank! That's just an egg!

frank goddamn goddamn-it

↓

It's a jumping-off point. Get out!

jumping point

↓

All right. Get the hell out of here! Just get the hell out of here!

↓

Don't even listen to them. You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ.

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

Okay, we're stealing that gun shot idea, right? Gun shot idea's awesome.

awesome idea ideas shot stealing

↓

You see any sign of that lawyer or his secretary?

lawyer secretary sign

↓

No, and I don't know why you think we're gonna catch him having an affair.

affair catch having

↓

I mean, the guy's wife is really hot. No, she's not.

wife

↓

And also, why does he turn her picture away from him...

picture

↓

so he doesn't have to look at her face?

face

↓

Why are we in this shady motel where we saw him go in?

motel shady

↓

I'm telling you, he's- he's banging that secretary.

banging secretary telling

↓

I don't know. It just doesn't add up.

↓

She's an attractive lady, you know? She's not attractive.

attractive lady

↓

Oh, my God! What?

↓

The woman in the room right next to him...

room woman

↓

she just ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy!

ahoy chips entire sleeve

↓

Charlie, could you focus on the lawyer's room, please?

charlie focus lawyers room

↓

We're not here to blackmail a lady for eating too many cookies.

blackmail cookies eating lady

↓

Did you say an entire sleeve though? An entire sleeve.

entire sleeve

↓

That's a lot of cookies. She a big lady?

cookies lady

↓

Of course. She's a humongous lady. Yeah. Of course.

course humongous lady

↓

Oh, shit. I see him. He's walking towards the car. He's walking towards the car!

walking

↓

Get down! Shh! Why is he coming towards us?

coming

↓

Get down and hold still!

↓

All right. Um, so what are you people doing in my car now?

↓

Okay, let me explain that. Uh- Yeah.

explain

↓

We were staking you out last night- kinda spying on you. Mm-hmm.

kinda night spying

↓

It got a little cold. It dropped down, right? It was freezing, wasn't it?

cold dropped freezing

↓

Did you feel that? So we jimmied your lock and spent the night in here.

lock night spent

↓

Okay. Uh, so why were you spying on me all night?

night spying

↓

Because you're having an affair, and we're gonna blackmail you for your services.

affair blackmail having services

↓

Okay. I hate to disappoint you, but I am not having an affair.

affair disappoint hate having

↓

Oh, yeah? Then why do you turn your wife's picture away from your desk...

desk picture wifes

↓

so you don't have to look at her face?

face

↓

Why are you staying in this seedy motel?

motel staying

↓

And why does it look like you've been crying all night?

crying night

↓

I'll tell you what I think. I think you feel guilty.

guilty

↓

All right, listen. If you must know,

must

↓

my wife is leaving me.

leaving wife

↓

And I have to sleep in this fleabag motel.

motel sleep

↓

And I am still very much in love with my wife, which makes this divorce very difficult.

difficult divorce love makes wife

↓

Thus you have the turning away of the photo...

photo turning

↓

and you have, you know, the crying episodes, and the what-have-you.

crying episodes

↓

Mmm. Sad.

↓

Okay, that's our bad. We, uh...

↓

It all comes together- That makes a lot of sense though.

comes makes sense

↓

In a different way than I thought.

↓

God, divorce is tough. The picture sort of coming together for you all?

coming divorce picture tough

↓

You must be all ripped up about that.

must ripped

↓

So, um- Do you want to have a conversation...

conversation

↓

about helping us out with our Kitten Mitten patent and...

helping kitten patent

↓

I thought this contract- You know what? If, um...

contract

↓

Why don't you get out of my car? We should go now.

↓

Why don't you just get out of my car?

↓

You've had a hard couple of days.

couple days hard

↓

Okay, consumer, are you ready to get blasted in the mouth by Paddy's Shotgun?

blasted consumer mouth paddys ready shotgun

↓

Yeah. One, two, three!

three

↓

Ah!

↓

Goddamn it, dude! You just cannot blast water out of a gun.

blast cannot goddamn goddamn-it water

↓

The technology is just not there.

technology

↓

They did sort of figure it out with water guns, so I don't know why...

figure guns water

↓

Yeah, but a water gun doesn't have the same feel to it, you know?

water

↓

It doesn't. You want to feel the weight of a real gun in your mouth.

mouth real weight

↓

You want to taste the metal. You want to feel the steel, man, you know?

metal steel taste

↓

Okay, bro, new plan. Yeah.

plan

↓

Let's just make a video, show that at the convention.

convention video

↓

Not like Charlie's video though. Ours needs to be cool.

charlies cool needs video

↓

No, no, no, dude. Way cooler than Charlie's.

charlies cooler

↓

With, like, quick cuts and awesome music...

awesome cuts music quick

↓

and eagles flying through the air and picking up trout out of rivers and shit.

eagles flying picking trout

↓

Ripping it apart and eating it, you know? It's so cool.

apart cool eating ripping

↓

That'll excite people. Yeah.

thatll

↓

They'll want to invest.

invest

↓

Then we'll let the brainiacs in China figure out the technology.

china figure technology

↓

Yeah. But the point is- is it's got to really grab people's attention.

attention grab peoples point

↓

You know what I mean? All right. I did a little tweaking and...

↓

- What is that? - Paddy's Shotgun, bro!

paddys shotgun

↓

You get blasted in the mouth!

blasted mouth

↓

- You stole my idea! - No, no, no, Frank. We tweaked your idea.

frank idea stole tweaked

↓

We took what was a good idea and we made it a great idea.

idea

↓

We're also gonna get a bustier chick. No offense, ma'am.

chick maam offense

↓

You're very busty. Your breasts are very large.

breasts

↓

But, uh, we want to go weird with it. We want to get really freakish.

weird

↓

I would like to get your number, actually, though at some point.

number point

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look. You can't just take somebody's idea,

idea somebodys whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

change the name of it and then sell it.

change name sell

↓

That's the American way, bro. Yeah!

american

↓

Yeah. Take a look at Hard Rock Cafe. Got tweaked by Planet Hollywood.

cafe hard hollywood planet rock tweaked

↓

Coke got tweaked by Pepsi. Transformers got tweaked by GoBots.

coke pepsi tweaked

↓

Our job is to step aside and let the consumer decide.

aside consumer decide step step-aside

↓

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna get a patent for this and sue your balls off.

balls patent

↓

We're gonna get a patent too, Frank, so screw you.

frank patent screw

↓

Kiss it.

kiss

↓

- Knock, knock. - Hey, friend!

friend knock knock-knock

↓

Hey, we got you a little something to take your mind off your current wife situation.

current mind situation wife

↓

Sandy, have a seat right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

sandy seat

↓

- This is Sandy. - Yep, and everything's been taken care of financially.

care everythings financially sandy taken taken-care

↓

She's been briefed on the divorce.

divorce

↓

She knows all about everything that's going on. She knows all about it.

knows

↓

And, you know, because you've been talking about the whole money thing a little bit...

money whole

↓

You said that we hadn't paid you, and we felt bad about that,

paid

↓

so we're kinda hoping that this is sort of a compensation of sorts.

compensation hoping kinda sorts

↓

Sandy does that. Sandy.

sandy

↓

- She's the payment. - Lawyer, check out this freakish whore we found.

check found lawyer payment whore

↓

Hey. Whoa. What the hell are you guys doing here?

whoa

↓

I came to see the lawyer to sue you for breach of contract. What's with the busty chick?

breach chick contract lawyer

↓

We're gonna throw a patent on her and a couple of other things.

couple patent throw

↓

Now, I see that you have a- a lovely busty woman as well.

lovely woman

↓

Yeah! We brought one.

brought

↓

Well, she's a lady of the night. She's a prostitute.

lady night prostitute

↓

Don't get too excited. And she's his lady, because he's going through a messy divorce.

divorce excited lady messy

↓

We paid her. So we're gonna have them have...

paid

↓

some sexual relations as sort of a payment.

payment relations sexual

↓

Ah. Wow. Divorce, huh? That's never fun.

divorce fun

↓

Oh, yeah. No, it's terrible. He's all broken up about it.

broken

↓

She left him- probably 'cause he cheated on her, I'm guessing,

cheated guessing left

↓

'cause look what a cold bitch she is. She was mean to him.

bitch cold

↓

It's a mess. He's been crying.

crying mess

↓

I tell you what, buddy. I can help you out.

buddy

↓

I'm gonna toss a frame bang your way.

bang frame toss

↓

Now here's how that works. I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping,

house night sleeping slip wife works

↓

and I ease into her real nice.

ease real

↓

That way, you're both cheating on each other, and she can't clean you out.

cheating clean

↓

That's a win-win.

↓

Goddamn shoes. You can't run in 'em.

goddamn shoes

↓

- Ah, son of a bitch. - Come on in. What- What's with the broads?

bitch broads

↓

You're stealing that idea too?

idea stealing

↓

No! No, we're not stealing...

stealing

↓

Yes, you are. We're tweaking your idea.

idea

↓

You're stealing that idea.

idea stealing

↓

Guys- You're stealing my idea!

idea stealing

↓

Can you take your ladies outside?

ladies

↓

Stop! Stop! Everyone stop!

↓

I will take care of all of your legal needs...

care legal needs

↓

if each of you agrees to never seek my legal advice again.

advice agrees legal seek

↓

What? Great.

↓

For free? No problem.

free problem

↓

And, you, promise not to break into my home...

break home promise

↓

and rape my wife while she's sleeping.

rape sleeping wife

↓

Bro, rape? I wasn't talking about raping your wife.

rape raping wife

↓

I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps.

love sleeps

↓

And I was gonna do it for you, you son of a b- All right, fine. I won't do it.

↓

Great. Now we're all here. Let's get into this.

↓

- Deandra. - Yeah.

deandra

↓

You want to sue these guys over some sort of breach of contract thing?

breach contract

↓

Yes. This one ate a contract that said I got all the rights to the Paddy's Pub merchandise.

contract merchandise paddys rights

↓

- That never happened. - It happened!

happened

↓

Okay, why don't you throw out the suit...

suit throw

↓

if they agree to sign a contract that grants you...

agree contract sign

↓

50% of the merchandising rights for Paddy's Pub?

merchandising paddys rights

↓

Fifty percent? I'll take it.

fifty percent

↓

Deal. Yes!

deal

↓

What the hell you doing, dude? I'll just eat the contract later.

contract

↓

We would also like to make a patent on Paddy's Shotgun...

paddys patent shotgun

↓

and this very large-breasted woman who's gonna be shooting the gun into your face.

breasted face shooting woman

↓

- Objection! - This is not a court of law.

court objection

↓

Sustained! Frank, move to strike.

frank strike sustained

↓

They stole my idea! Open your mouth!

idea mouth open stole

↓

Christ's sakes, dude!

christs christs-sakes sakes

↓

- Oh! - Jesus Christ!

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

Whoa, man! Whoa!

whoa

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

How did you get that much propulsion on the gun?

↓

I made tequila bullets, but I guess I put too much gunpowder in.

bullets gunpowder tequila

↓

New deal! We are taking that propulsion and putting it in our shotgun!

deal putting shotgun

↓

No, no, no. That deal sucks.

deal sucks

↓

Okay. Why don't you just use both guns?

guns

↓

That's an even better idea.

idea

↓

Two guns! Okay.

guns

↓

Six boobs! We're all on the same team!

boobs team

↓

Okay. I like that idea. Yeah!

idea

↓

Yeah! All right.

↓

And, you, you want a right to the cat gloves?

gloves

↓

Mittens, dude. Pay attention.

attention mittens

↓

So sorry, sir. They duct-taped me to the bathroom sink.

bathroom duct duct-taped sink taped

↓

How in the hell did she get out of that? I don't know.

↓

Next up, we have submission 35...

submission

↓

a potential investment opportunity in merchandising...

investment merchandising opportunity potential

↓

for a, uh- a Paddy's Pub.

paddys

↓

Yeah!

↓

You're really sweaty, man. Well, my eyes are really burning here, Charlie.

burning charlie eyes sweaty

↓

Start again. Start-

start

↓

Yeah, that's good.

↓

Action, Frank.

action frank

↓

Go, Frank, now. Go.

frank

↓

Frank, just do the- Say the line now. Let me have a drink.

drink frank line

↓

How about a shot?

shot

↓

What the...

↓

# This is how we do it #

↓

Paddy's Pub,

paddys

↓

home of the original shotgun and gun shot!

home original shot shotgun

↓

Are you shooting me? Shoot the girls. Shoot the girls.

girls shoot shooting

↓

Do shots as they were intended...

intended shots

↓

by blasting them directly into your mouth!

blasting directly mouth

↓

Awesome! I'm wasted!

awesome wasted

↓

But that's not all!

↓

Dick towel! Dot-com.

dick towel

↓

Nudie pen!

↓

# All the gangbangers forgot about the drive-by #

drive forgot

↓

- Egg. - So come on, dude!

↓

Invest in our merchandise and...

invest merchandise

↓

Get blasted!

blasted

↓

Okay. Uh, why don't we just take a break?

break

↓

Huh. That did not look cool.

cool

↓

No. Well, we had to edit while we shot.

edit shot

↓

You know, and we just didn't have time. God, that was terrible.

↓

Does your cat walk around too much? Does your cat make too much noise?

noise walk

↓

Guess who just found some investors for Kitten Mittens!

found investors kitten kitten-mittens mittens

↓

I told you! People love stupid shit!

love stupid

↓

Why do you keep calling it stupid though? It's really pretty stupid.

calling stupid

↓

Why do you keep calling it stupid? But people are stupid too, so...

calling stupid

↓

Hello!

↓

Hey, there he is! What's up, man? Hey, nice tie.

↓

- What are you doing here? - Congratulations on the sale.

congratulations sale

↓

Thank you very much. Oh, you were there?

↓

Yeah. How much money am I gonna make?

money

↓

Do what now?

↓

Oh. The contract that you all blindly signed...

blindly contract signed

↓

grants me 100% of the profits...

profits

↓

from any merchandising opportunities from your little bar.

merchandising opportunities

↓

And Kitten Mittens- I own that.

kitten kitten-mittens mittens

↓

Dude! I had to get paid by you people somehow.

paid

↓

Well, that's what the hooker was for!

hooker

↓

Dude! All right. Touché.

↓

You out-lawyered me there. Mm-hmm.

↓

Okay. Tell you what though.

↓

Let's split Kitten Mittens 50-50,

kitten kitten-mittens mittens split

↓

and then you'll never see me again. Wow. Fifty-fifty?

fifty

↓

Mmm, let me think about that.

↓

How about if I never see you again because the contract...

contract

↓

that you all signed also included a restraining order?

included order restraining restraining-order signed

↓

Which you're all currently violating.

currently

↓

Uh, excuse me, sir. Can I see these supposed documents that you have?

documents excuse supposed

↓

Why, yes. Um, in fact,

fact

↓

I happen to have that right here.

happen

↓

Ah! Yeah!

↓

I knew it!

↓

It's still new enough to be edible. That's an edible contract!

contract edible

↓

Right in your face! Really? Yeah.

face

↓

You know, fortunately, I made hundreds of copies of that.

copies fortunately hundreds

↓

Goddamn.

goddamn

↓

So, uh, why don't you all have just a nice day.

↓

Mmm.

↓

You can probably stop eating that now.

eating

↓

ENGLISH - US - PSDH

english psdh