Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E06 — The World Series Defense

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 6 — The World Series Defense

Next case, Mr. Dennis Reynolds.

#1

⇓

That's me. Yup, right here.

#2

⇓

How are ya?

#3

⇓

From October 28th, 2008, to November 1st, 2008,

#4

⇓

you were issued a series of parking

#5

⇓

citations totaling $1,300.

#6

⇓

Oh, uh, these people are here to corroborate my story.

#8

⇓

It's a parking violation.

#9

⇓

Oh, well, I think you'll find it goes much, much deeper than that.

#10

⇓

Yes, lady madam of the court, I do believe that this court

#11

⇓

will realize that we were all victims of a terrible ordeal that caused

#12

⇓

each and every one of us great physical and emotional trauma.

#13

⇓

And what is this ordeal?

#14

⇓

The Philadelphia Phillies winning the World Series, your honor.

#15

⇓

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".

#16

⇓

#17

⇓

The World Series Defense

#18

⇓

Transcripted on Addic7ed.com by: YesCool, honeybunny, chamallow35, Arcinboldi

#19

⇓

www.addic7ed.com

#20

⇓

#21

⇓

Okay, Mr. Reynolds, on what...

#22

⇓

grounds are you contesting... these tickets?

#23

⇓

What grounds? Where do we even begin?

#24

⇓

On many grounds. Your honor, many, many grounds.

#25

⇓

And let the record show... that we are waiving our right to... an attorney.

#26

⇓

Just explain to me why you... feel you should not have been...

#27

⇓

issued these tickets.

#28

⇓

Okay, um, yeah, well, I think...

#29

⇓

in order to do that, we should... probably start at the top of the... story.

#30

⇓

I know what the story is.

#31

⇓

It was game five of the World...

#32

⇓

And needless to say, I mean, we... were pumped!

#34

⇓

#35

⇓

#36

⇓

World Series, baby, oh, yeah!

#37

⇓

Hello! What's up, fellas?

#38

⇓

What's going on, man? Not wearing any colors?

#39

⇓

Not supporting the team, dude?

#40

⇓

Wearing colors? Why the hell would I be wearing... colors...?

#41

⇓

Oh, my God! Today's the World Series. I totally forgot!

#42

⇓

Oh, wait a second. What's this?

#43

⇓

Boom! I haven't forgot a thang!

#44

⇓

Guys, this is one of the few...

#45

⇓

times where it is acceptable to be shirtless in a public forum.

#46

⇓

So I'm blasting bare chest the whole time. What do you think?

#47

⇓

I think you're gonna be cold as shit.

#48

⇓

I'm not gonna be cold at all

#49

⇓

because I'm gonna be wasted on grain alcohol.

#50

⇓

Grain alcohol, baby. Whenever

#51

⇓

there's a potential riot, I'm getting blasted on grain alcohol.

#52

⇓

Put some of that on my bug bites.

#53

⇓

We're not gonna be wasting our fine grain alcohol on your goddamn bug bites, idiots.

#54

⇓

Yeah, we need it for pre-gaming.

#55

⇓

I am not watching this game sober.

#56

⇓

No. What, you want to remember it?

#57

⇓

- Charlie... - Back to back.

#58

⇓

All right, what's going on with you guys?

#59

⇓

We got bedbugs, dude.

#60

⇓

Oh, man, the place is infested with them. Some guy brought 'e Haiti.

#61

⇓

World Series, bitches! What is up?! Whoomp, there it is!

#62

⇓

The plan's still on, right?

#63

⇓

Oh, shit, yeah, baby girl, plan is on!

#64

⇓

Wait! Time-out! There's a plan?

#65

⇓

Oh, there's always a plan, buddy.

#66

⇓

Well, tell me about this. What's the plan?

#67

⇓

Okay, in the bottom of the ninth

#68

⇓

when the Phillies are up by, like,

#69

⇓

50 or 60 runs, Dennis and I are gonna start beating the shit out of each other.

#70

⇓

Right, which will attract the attention of security.

#71

⇓

Yeah, and that's when I run on the field and kiss a player.

#72

⇓

And I'm gonna toss out Green man

#73

⇓

and run around the field

#74

⇓

and go crazy as Green man...

#75

⇓

No, don't, don't toss out Green man because in this particular case,

#76

⇓

the Phillie phanatic really reigns supreme, okay?

#77

⇓

We're talking about the Phillies here. Leave that for other shit.

#78

⇓

Are you kidding me?

#79

⇓

- Dude, people love that guy. - They love him.

#80

⇓

I don't love him! I'm sick of him!

#81

⇓

He's got a stranglehold on the Phillie mascot scene,

#82

⇓

it's not fair.

#83

⇓

I got a pretty good thing going with green man.

#84

⇓

I don't see why there can only be one mascot.

#85

⇓

Nah, I feel like there's only room for one green idiot

#86

⇓

running around making an asshole of himself.

#87

⇓

- I can't find the tickets. - What are you talking about?

#88

⇓

I don't have the tickets in my pocket.

#89

⇓

- What, dude?! - I know exactly where I left them.

#90

⇓

I left them on the coffee table in the apartment.

#91

⇓

Well, dude, we don't have time to go back to the apartment.

#92

⇓

We're not gonna get a good spot for the tailgate.

#93

⇓

We gotta get back and get them.

#94

⇓

Wait, wait, wait! Dennis, Charlie, why don't you go

#95

⇓

to the parking lot, get us a good spot? We'll go get the tickets.

#96

⇓

- All right, let's move, man. - I forgot the tickets.

#97

⇓

I don't know. All I'm doing is, like, just

#98

⇓

making the sandwiches. By the way...

#99

⇓

Shut up!

#100

⇓

Okay, I think it's important to figure out

#101

⇓

which player I want to kiss when I thrust myself out on that field.

#102

⇓

I'm going Shane Victorino right now.

#103

⇓

Strong choice, but centerfield,

#104

⇓

way too far. You'll get you jacked up before you get anywhere close.

#105

⇓

Oh! Oh! Balls! Oh, no, they're fumigating

#106

⇓

the building for bedbugs!

#107

⇓

How did you not know that

#108

⇓

were bug-bombing your apartment, bro?

#109

⇓

I can't read every flyer that gets slipped under the door!

#110

⇓

Jesus Christ...

#111

⇓

- Well, now what are we gonna do? - I don't know. We gotta go...

#112

⇓

Go get the tickets! Hurry up, hurry up!

#113

⇓

I'm not going in there! That's full of toxic smoke.

#114

⇓

We'll go buy gas masks.

#115

⇓

We don't have time for gas masks! Frank, come on.

#116

⇓

It's not that poisonous. Just go really fast.

#117

⇓

- Go really fast. - All right.

#118

⇓

Jesus Christ.

#119

⇓

- Oh, God! My eyes are burning! - Now what?

#120

⇓

All right, fine, I'll have to scale the building,

#121

⇓

cut a hole in the tent, smash through the window. That'll cut down on occupancy time.

#122

⇓

You are not capable of doing that.

#123

⇓

I absolutely have the upper-body strength to accomplish that.

#124

⇓

- Are you kidding me?! - Goddamn it, Dee! Goddamn it! Will you shut up?!

#125

⇓

Calling the boys to tell them we're gonna be late.

#126

⇓

They're doing that right now?

#127

⇓

All right, keep me posted.

#128

⇓

Bro, they are bug-bombing your building right now. They got the whole thing tented.

#129

⇓

Those guys can't get in there to get the tickets.

#130

⇓

No, there's no way they're gonna. I mean, that's poisonous gas, dude.

#131

⇓

- You can't breath that. - Screw 'em, right?

#132

⇓

What are you suggesting, maybe we sneak into the game?

#133

⇓

I want to get into that game. I don't even want to tailgate anymore, bro.

#134

⇓

You're right, we gotta sneak in. All right, we're gonna sneak.

#135

⇓

How are we gonna sneak in, though, bro?

#136

⇓

The security's gonna be crazy.

#137

⇓

There's a couple ways you can do it.

#138

⇓

There's a couple ways you can do it.

#139

⇓

One, we can take the secret tunnel

#140

⇓

that goes from the Holliday Inn into the stadium...

#141

⇓

- What the hell are you talking about? - This is common knowledge, bro, there is.

#142

⇓

They built a secret tunnel so that the visiting players can

#143

⇓

get safely back to the hotel

#144

⇓

without the Phillies fans hammering 'em.

#145

⇓

We're passionate fans, you know what I mean?

#146

⇓

Passionate fans; we gotta hammer someone.

#147

⇓

So they got a tunnel for that, really?

#148

⇓

Wow. Don't you think there's gonna be security there, too?

#149

⇓

There might.

#150

⇓

All right, you know what? I got it. We're gonna do a Charlie one-two, all right?

#151

⇓

You're gonna do this, okay?

#152

⇓

One, you jump in front of a car coming to the stadium.

#153

⇓

Two, you say, "I'm gonna sue you if you don't give me tickets."

#154

⇓

No! No, that is a terrible plan.

#155

⇓

How is that terrible?

#156

⇓

Because it involves me getting hit by a car.

#157

⇓

You'll be fine, bro. You're drinking riot punch, man.

#158

⇓

You bounce right off that thing.

#159

⇓

All right, well, it's called the "Charlie one-two,"

#160

⇓

you do it.

#161

⇓

Well, no, I've done too many, man. I mean, the next one could be my last, bro.

#162

⇓

I don't want to get hit by a moving car.

#163

⇓

You'll be fine!

#164

⇓

This is the World Series, man.

#165

⇓

I could die.

#167

⇓

You do it.

#168

⇓

All right, goddamn it, I'm gonna do it. Let's do it!

#169

⇓

One last time. One last time.

#170

⇓

Too shitty man. Crappy car.

#171

⇓

Yeah, no, you don't want to jump out in front of a shitty car.

#172

⇓

We need rich-people tickets, right?

#173

⇓

Oh, ooh, this guy. Right here.

#174

⇓

- This is good. - Oh, this is going to be a...

#175

⇓

Oh, he's going to have such good seats. Go, go, go, go, go.

#176

⇓

What are you doing, man?

#177

⇓

Bro, that guy was going to have great seats.

#178

⇓

Yeah, I felt like I didn't have a good angle.

#179

⇓

What do you mean?

#180

⇓

You just jump right out in front of it.

#181

⇓

This guy will have good seats.

#182

⇓

Don't get cold feet on me.

#183

⇓

Jump out in front of this guy.

#184

⇓

Your honor, so my friend here

#185

⇓

pushed me in front of a moving car. No big deal.

#186

⇓

Ladies and gentlemen of the court, these were dire times

#187

⇓

and dire actions were need to get those tickets.

#188

⇓

But we didn't get the tickets, Charlie,

#189

⇓

because the guy saw you push me in front of his car.

#190

⇓

- Yeah, that's true. - We didn't get the tickets.

#191

⇓

So, you guys tried to scam your way into the game by throwing each other

#192

⇓

in front of cars with the hopes of extorting tickets from the drivers.

#193

⇓

Your honor, let the record show that the three of us

#194

⇓

do not condone the actions of the two of them.

#195

⇓

The record will show everything. You can stop saying that.

#196

⇓

Are you sure? 'Cause she's not typing very quickly.

#197

⇓

Shorthand. She's getting the gist.

#198

⇓

I don't appreciate being paraphrased.

#199

⇓

Now, I choose my words very deliberately.

#200

⇓

Get back to your case.

#201

⇓

Ok, so, anyway, the three of us are back at their apartment,

#202

⇓

trying to get the tickets.

#203

⇓

And Mac is scaling the building.

#204

⇓

- I can't get a good grip. - Is the grip the problem?

#205

⇓

Guys. I found this garden hose, right?

#206

⇓

I'm gonna use it to pump fresh air into the building.

#207

⇓

And breathe into it like a scuba diver.

#208

⇓

- That seems just like it could work. - Let's give it a shot!

#209

⇓

Go, go, go.

#210

⇓

Ok, how is it?

#211

⇓

- What? - I get...

#212

⇓

- Yeah? - You're in?

#213

⇓

All right. Let's drink in.

#214

⇓

All right, Dee.

#215

⇓

Skip back to this place and let's have a conversation,

#216

⇓

cause I got some... some thoughts.

#217

⇓

Yeah I've been thinking about it. Ryan Howard, right?

#218

⇓

If it's me I'd go Chase Utley, 100% of the time.

#219

⇓

He's a power hitting second baseman, Dee.

#220

⇓

Do you know how rare that is in the National League?

#221

⇓

Yeah and he's hot,which is like number one on my list...

#222

⇓

- Of course he is. - But I really like Ryan Howard.

#223

⇓

You kiss Chase Utley and that's it.

#224

⇓

Why are you pushing Chase Utley on me,

#225

⇓

it's kind of gettin' weird.

#226

⇓

Ok, look, I have a plan, all right?

#227

⇓

And it involves you getting this letter to him.

#228

⇓

When you get out to kiss him.

#229

⇓

Now I've given this to Major League Baseball, his lawyer,

#230

⇓

his manager, his mom, and he has not gotten back to me.

#231

⇓

Which means he hasn't got it yet. So just...

#232

⇓

- What's in this letter? - That's none of your business, right?

#233

⇓

Just get it to Chase.

#234

⇓

Did you write a love letter to Chase Utley?

#235

⇓

In a lot of ways, yes, I do love him,

#236

⇓

but that is not a love letter in the way that you're thinking of it, ok?

#237

⇓

There's nothing sexual, or...

#238

⇓

- Ok, that sound good. Let's read it. - Yeah, read it!

#239

⇓

Dear Chase... Oh shit, there are stickers!

#240

⇓

My God, this is good.

#241

⇓

- I wanna make it pop! - You sure do.

#242

⇓

"Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase

#243

⇓

because you and me are so much alike".

#244

⇓

Really?

#245

⇓

I would love to meet you someday.

#246

⇓

It would be great to have a catch.

#247

⇓

I know I can't throw as fast as you

#248

⇓

but I think you'd be impressed with my speed.

#249

⇓

I love your hair, you run fast.

#250

⇓

Did you have a good relationship with your father?

#251

⇓

Me neither.

#252

⇓

These are all things we can talk about, and more.

#253

⇓

I know you've been not gettin' my letters

#254

⇓

because I know you'd write back if you did.

#255

⇓

And I hope you write back this time

#256

⇓

and we get to be good friends.

#257

⇓

I am sure our relationship

#258

⇓

will be a real Home Run".

#259

⇓

If you read it out of context...

#260

⇓

There's no right context.

#261

⇓

- Strip that from the record please. - No, put it on the record.

#262

⇓

That one stays on the record.

#263

⇓

- Can we get back to your case? - Let's move on.

#264

⇓

- Shall we move on? - Yes let's move on.

#265

⇓

Sorry about that, your honor.

#266

⇓

My God! Wow!

#267

⇓

Ok, who were you looking to accomplish with this?

#268

⇓

I'm hoping that he reads the letter

#269

⇓

and realizes that he's always one of the younger brother...

#270

⇓

Younger broth... oh oh oh oh oh!

#271

⇓

The guy is like five years younger than you, you know that, right?

#272

⇓

Is he really?

#273

⇓

Yeah... oh, shit!

#274

⇓

The hose is gone!

#275

⇓

- Oh God! - Oh shit!

#276

⇓

He's in there, breathing the poison.

#277

⇓

We gotta get those tickets, I gotta get to Chase!

#278

⇓

- God damn it. - Ok, all right.

#279

⇓

The poison is so thick!

#280

⇓

This hall is really bad.

#281

⇓

There he is.

#282

⇓

Let's go get him.

#283

⇓

- Frank. - Frank.

#284

⇓

Where are the tickets?

#285

⇓

Leave me here to die!

#286

⇓

Come on, where are the goddamn tickets?

#287

⇓

I can't find them.

#288

⇓

- I left them on the coffee table. - Take them.

#289

⇓

The bastards took them.

#290

⇓

Oh, God!

#291

⇓

- Hey, how are you feeling, buddy?

#292

⇓

I'm in a great deal of pain, Charlie.

#293

⇓

I was just blasted by a car.

#294

⇓

Yeah I know, you got cream, but check it out.

#295

⇓

I got you soft pretzel!

#296

⇓

Screw your goddamn soft pretzel, you son of a bitch!

#297

⇓

I might be bleeding internally.

#298

⇓

Dude, that's the Phillie Phanatic up there man!

#299

⇓

Maybe I'll go toss and chop with him a little Green Man,

#300

⇓

and he gets us in the game dude! The Phanatic!

#301

⇓

Phillie Phanatic, Phillie Phanatic!

#302

⇓

Huge fan man, seriously, big time...

#303

⇓

Are you serious?

#304

⇓

All right, seriously, man to man, mascotte to mascotte.

#305

⇓

I was wondering maybe if you could help me gettin' in the game.

#306

⇓

Maybe hop me up with Green Man routine,

#307

⇓

we do it in the stadium together.

#308

⇓

I'm trying to talk to you. I'm trying to have a conversation...

#309

⇓

You're belly bumping me, all right?

#310

⇓

All right. I'll give you...

#311

⇓

All right, don't big-league me now, here, man.

#312

⇓

Look, I'm trying to have a conversation with the man behind the mask,

#313

⇓

I feel like you're big-leaguing me, dude. Are you taking me seriously?

#314

⇓

That guy is beating on the Phanatic.

#315

⇓

- Look, is it a hate crime? - No, it's not a hate crime.

#316

⇓

Wanna hammer us in there anyway?

#317

⇓

Definitely.

#318

⇓

Yo, Dennis?

#319

⇓

Yo, buddy, what are you doing dude?

#320

⇓

- God damn it! - What happened to you?

#321

⇓

Charlie pushed me in front of a goddamn car,

#322

⇓

- that's what happened. - You look terrible.

#323

⇓

Why are your eyes all filled with blood?

#324

⇓

On account of the poison.

#325

⇓

Yeah, dude, where were you going? We got to get to the stadium.

#326

⇓

Look, it's starting to get packed.

#327

⇓

Just forget about it, okay? It's impossible to get in that stadium, trust me.

#328

⇓

Take my word for it.

#329

⇓

We got to get in so Dee can kiss Chase Utley...

#330

⇓

Well, how the hell are you planning on getting in there, Mac?

#331

⇓

Uh... you put me on the spot. First thing that comes to my head... scaling the facade.

#332

⇓

All right, I know I soured on that earlier, but I believe that that is my mind

#333

⇓

- telling me that I have it in me. - Okay, I hate to tell you this, bro,

#334

⇓

but you do not have the core strength to scale the facade of citizens bank.

#335

⇓

- You just don't. - What?! I work out all the time!

#336

⇓

Yeah, but you only work out your glamour muscles, and you know it.

#337

⇓

- I work out my core. - No, you do not work out your core.

#338

⇓

You're totally arm-heavy. You're all bis and tris and everything else is just fat

#339

⇓

- and... and ribs. - Bro,

#340

⇓

I can do way more push-ups than you, and that's, like, 16

#341

⇓

- different muscle groups, I think. - That is beyond retarded, what you're saying right now.

#342

⇓

I can do way more push-ups than you, even though I was just hit by a car.

#343

⇓

1... 2... 3...

#344

⇓

4... 5... 6...

#345

⇓

7... 8... 9...

#346

⇓

All right, enough. Stop it.

#347

⇓

All right.

#348

⇓

But you get my point, your honor.

#349

⇓

And you could see that Mac was slowing down at the end there, and let the record

#350

⇓

show that that is because he only works out his glamour muscles.

#351

⇓

No! That's... that's bullshit. I did, like, three more than you!

#352

⇓

- Yeah, but... - Put that on the record, put that on the record!

#353

⇓

Uh, strike that from the record. I don't think you did three more.

#354

⇓

You saw it. She saw it.

#355

⇓

I need... ...this story to come to an end, soon.

#356

⇓

Okay, fair enough, your honor. I will bring the story to a close very soon.

#357

⇓

Okay, so, let me pick up where we left off.

#358

⇓

Uh, we were, we were at the parking lot,

#359

⇓

and I had just punched him in the face for cheating, like he just tried to do right here in the courtroom.

#360

⇓

Stop handing me papers.

#361

⇓

- Why did you hammer my nose, bro? - I hammered your nose because you disqualified me

#362

⇓

- for no good reason. - 'Cause you had bad form, dude!

#363

⇓

- What are you talking about? - You were slowing down,

#364

⇓

- and you just tried to... - That's bullshit.

#365

⇓

- Charlie, who hammered you? - Just some overly passionate Phillies fans.

#366

⇓

You getting hammered by philly fans is reminding me of something.

#367

⇓

There is a secret tunnel between the stadium and the Holliday inn.

#368

⇓

- I know, dude! I was telling this guy about the tunnel. - No, that's not true.

#369

⇓

They built it 'cause phillies fans hammer people all the time!

#370

⇓

That's a known tunnel.

#371

⇓

- Everybody knows about the tunnel. - All right, well, let's give the tunnel a shot, then.

#372

⇓

- We got nothing to lose. - It's starting, it's starting!

#373

⇓

Hear that shit?!

#374

⇓

I hear it. It seems like it's gonna rain.

#375

⇓

Don't ever disqualify me again for a bullshit reason. I'll hammer you again.

#376

⇓

Was your form off?

#377

⇓

- Try to look inconspicuous. - Inconspicuous?

#378

⇓

We all look like we've been in a terrible fight, Frank.

#379

⇓

Everybody in here looks like they've been in a terrible fight.

#380

⇓

These two ladies are in the middle of a terrible fight right now.

#381

⇓

Philly fans are brutal.

#382

⇓

There's the elevator! Go.

#383

⇓

All right, which way is it, dude? Which way?

#384

⇓

Uh, let's try this way.

#385

⇓

The game is about to start, and this damn thing is not giving me a signal.

#386

⇓

Damn it, I don't know if I'm on board with this plan, man.

#387

⇓

I don't know, I might just go up to the hotel bar and watch it up there

#388

⇓

and then join the riot afterwards.

#389

⇓

If we can't go to the game, we should at least be able to watch it somewhere.

#390

⇓

We're getting in the game, all right?!

#391

⇓

Just hurry up.

#392

⇓

All right, hang on a second. This looks good down here. Bingo.

#393

⇓

Look at this little room. This has got to be something, right?

#394

⇓

All right, here we go.

#395

⇓

- All right, check behind the shelves and shit. - Why?

#397

⇓

Cause in ScoobyDoo, secret tunnels are always behind shelves.

#398

⇓

There's gonna be one.

#399

⇓

Could we not base our decisions on what does and doesn't happen in episodes of Scooby doo?

#400

⇓

God damn, let's go out to the bar before the game ends!

#401

⇓

- Yeah, let's go. - Come on.

#402

⇓

- Shit, it's locked. - What?

#403

⇓

- It's locked! - No!

#404

⇓

- Hey! - Hey!

#405

⇓

Guys!

#406

⇓

Check this out!

#407

⇓

No!

#408

⇓

- Holy shit! - All right!

#409

⇓

- Is it really? - This is the way.

#410

⇓

It's dark in here but it sounds like it's a tunnel.

#411

⇓

- It's dark as hell in here! - I can't see anything!

#412

⇓

- It stings! - Hang on, hang on...

#413

⇓

I found a light...

#414

⇓

Stop it! Come on, now!

#415

⇓

Are you tellin' me you all found a dungeon at the bottom of the Holiday Inn?

#416

⇓

- No, no. - No.

#417

⇓

I just added that last part to the end there to despise the story up

#418

⇓

'cause, for being honest, it can't seem like you were losing it for a bit.

#419

⇓

- Yeah you weren't paying attention. - But now you are.

#420

⇓

B... but the point is, we did get stuck in that linen closet for six days.

#421

⇓

Yes, we did. And as you know, there was a rain delay on the game, so...

#422

⇓

Yeah, we missed the game, we missed the riot, we missed the parade, we missed everything.

#423

⇓

Yeah, and the only way we got out is some maid came after six days to get fresh towels.

#424

⇓

Yeah, how does a hotel not run out of towels for six days?

#425

⇓

Let the record show that we question that hotel's sanitation procedures.

#426

⇓

- Absolutely, abs... - It's a filthy place.

#427

⇓

And while we were stuck in that tiny little room for six days,

#428

⇓

surviving only on sink water and peppermint candies and what little bit of riot punch we had left at that point,

#429

⇓

my car accumulated the massive amount of parking tickets that brings us before you today.

#430

⇓

So, I submit to you, your honor, that not only should I be excused of those parking tickets, but I think I'm...

#431

⇓

- we're really owed compensation for the entire ordeal. - Oh yeah?

#432

⇓

- Cause we went through some shit. - Is that it?

#433

⇓

- Think that about covers the bases, yeah. - Good.

#434

⇓

Because I do not find that your story excuses your behavior.

#435

⇓

In fact, it actually seems like you committed a litany of additional crimes in the process.

#436

⇓

I order you to pay the original fine.

#437

⇓

- Next case. - Well, I didn't want to do this, but...

#438

⇓

I'm calling kangaroo court on this court.

#439

⇓

A kangaroo court. It's a kangaroo court.

#440

⇓

And you know what?

#441

⇓

I'm gonna toss in my countersuit,

#442

⇓

"Charlie Kelly versus the Major League Baseball and the Phillie Frenetic."

#443

⇓

- No, come on. - Don't do it, Charlie.

#444

⇓

He's got a stranglehold on the mascot scene!

#445

⇓

All right, first of all, I had to call him the frenetic.

#446

⇓

His name's the Phanatic, but, you know, I'm gonna get sued by Major League Baseball

#447

⇓

if I call him the Phanatic. And let's talk about steroids!

#448

⇓

Can we talk about steroids?! Can we talk about steroid abuse?!

#449

⇓

It's bullshit! It's ruining the game!

#450

⇓