Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E05 — The Waitress Is Getting Married

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 5 — The Waitress Is Getting Married

I don't know. What do you think?

#1

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It's kind of doing nothing for my hip area and making a mess of my boobs.

#2

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You know what? Why don't you go grab five more?

#3

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Look, we don't normally do this.

#4

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But I think I'm gonna need some proof that you're actually getting married.

#5

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What? Why?

#6

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Because you've been coming in here and trying on wedding dresses every Saturday...

#7

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for over a year now.

#8

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Yeah. That's 'cause it takes a really long time to plan a wedding.

#9

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Don't get up all over my balls, Lucy. Just go get the dresses.

#10

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When is the wedding? Soon.

#11

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Where? A church.

#12

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Which one? The nearby one.

#13

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The nearby one? Right down the street.

#14

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Which street? Spring.

#15

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What's your fiancé's name? Sam.

#16

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What does he do? S-S-Salt.

#17

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Salt? Sea... salt. Sea salt.

#18

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He's a salt seaman.

#19

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He- He dives in to the ocean for the sea salt.

#20

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And then he brings it back up. And then we eat it.

#21

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So- Okay, I'm getting the manager.

#22

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Well, don't get the- Damn it.

#23

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- Dee Reynolds? - Yeah.

#24

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Brad Fisher. From high school.

#25

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Brad Fisher. No way.

#26

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Yeah. You look amazing.

#27

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Your acne cleared up really well.

#28

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I kinda grew into myself. Yes, you did. Yes, you did.

#29

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Why did I ever break up with you, you beefcake? It was because of the acne.

#30

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Was it because of the acne? Yeah. Yeah. Uh, when it got real bad,

#31

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you dumped me and you said it was 'cause I was gonna grow up to look like Edward James Olmos.

#32

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Well, I don't really remember saying exactly that.

#33

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It's- It's fine. We were kids. We were kids.

#34

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We were kids! Yeah.

#35

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We're not kids anymore. No.

#36

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Great. Wow. So you're- you're getting married. Wow.

#37

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Yeah. Uh, no, I'm not. I'm not.

#38

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This is because I was. But that- that didn't work out.

#39

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Why are you asking? Are you single?

#40

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What's your situation? Um, I'm engaged.

#41

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Oh. Yeah. I mean, that's why I'm here.

#42

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My fiancée's trying on a dress. I know I'm not supposed to see it before the wedding.

#43

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But we're having a whole nontraditional kinda small thing.

#44

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So you should meet her. Babe. Well, nah...

#45

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- Yeah? - Come here for a second. I want you to meet a friend of mine.

#46

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What do you think of this one, Brad? It's beautiful, yeah.

#47

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Oh, my God.

#48

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Okay. All right.

#49

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Well, don't poke at it. Don't just poke...

#50

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Just get it safely into the box. Dude, you're gonna agitate the bees.

#51

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Well, I'm fine with the bees. It's the honey I don't want to agitate.

#52

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Is that your endgame here? Honey?

#53

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Yeah. I figure if we keep the hive in the basement, we'll always have honey.

#54

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We'll always have bees is what we'll always have.

#55

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Whoa! What? What?

#56

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I think I just saw a wasp. I think that was a wasp.

#57

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You see that? Looked like a wasp. Didn't look like a bee.

#58

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Is this a wasp nest? This is a wasp nest.

#59

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I'm out! I'm out! All right. Yeah, yeah.

#60

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I don't want to tangle with a bunch of wasps. Hey! Do- Do wasps make honey?

#61

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No. Wasps do not make honey.

#62

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All right. Well, I'm gonna check it out anyway.

#63

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There could be something delicious in here that wasps do make, and I want that.

#64

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Mac, Dennis, can I talk to you in the office, please?

#65

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Why can't we just talk right here? Yeah?

#66

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Because it's private. Ah, that sounds like a whole thing. I'm not into it.

#67

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- Mmm. - Shit!

#68

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I just got stung! That was a hornet! This is a hornets nest!

#69

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Uh, you know what, guys? Why don't we step in the back office...

#70

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while Charlie deals with this whole hornet/wasp situation?

#71

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Yeah.

#72

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Oh. Oh, I'm a bad boy? I'm a bad boy?

#73

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Put some vegetable oil on it. That'll make you feel better. Okay. Bye, sexy.

#74

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Ohh. Who was that?

#75

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That's my booty call. We're into some really weird food fetish stuff.

#76

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Gross. Okay, you guys, listen up. We got a serious problem.

#77

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The waitress is getting married.

#78

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Oh, yeah. I heard about that. Artemis told me.

#79

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- Since when do you talk to Artemis? - She's my booty call.

#80

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Weird. We'll get into that later.

#81

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Right now, we gotta deal with this waitress situation.

#82

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Dee, why do you give a shit that the waitress is getting married?

#83

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She's been nothing but trouble for us. That's a good point.

#84

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She doesn't seem to get our sense of humor.

#85

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We do stuff that I think's funny. She doesn't. Hilarious!

#86

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Guys! I cannot believe you're not thinking about Charlie right now.

#87

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This is gonna crush him. What? You don't give a shit about Charlie.

#88

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All you care about is the fact the waitress is getting married before you. Right?

#89

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That or she's afraid that Charlie might blow his brains out.

#90

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And then she'd have to do all the Charlie work. Uh, that's what it is. Yeah.

#91

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Okay, fine. A: I do not want to do Charlie's work once he kills himself.

#92

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How could the waitress get married before me? I'm way hotter than she is.

#93

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And C: Get this. The guy she's marrying used to be my boyfriend.

#94

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You know what I just realized? I don't care about anything she's saying.

#95

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Not a bit. What I do care about is the fact that...

#96

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Charlie might go postal if he finds out about this and kill all of us.

#97

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Right. Shit. We're probably the ones at real risk here, huh?

#98

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Yeah. Okay. Well, maybe we should find something to distract him...

#99

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until the whole wedding thing blows over. Mm-hmm.

#100

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- Get him his own booty call. - Ohh!

#101

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Or at least another chick to stalk. Hey!

#102

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Great. In the meantime, I'll try and sabotage the wedding...

#103

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by luring Brad away from her. Ahh.

#104

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Dee, save yourself the embarrassment. Yeah, yeah.

#105

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Let's- Watch out for the hornets.

#106

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Yeah. Don't push me.

#107

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Hey-oh!

#108

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Hey, what's- Ahh!

#109

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What are you doing there, buddy?

#110

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I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so I can get their honey.

#111

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They keep flying up the tube, stinging me on my face. I think I just swallowed one.

#112

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As I tried to explain before, you cannot get honey from a hornets nest.

#113

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I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.

#114

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There's some very basic science out there supporting that. No.

#115

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No. Trust me, pal.

#116

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It's a fact. It's not even science. Why are you bothering...

#117

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getting into it with him? I don't know. I just feel like...

#118

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Charlie, we're gonna get you back on the dating scene, bro.

#119

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What do you think about that? Yeah. That's actually why we're here.

#120

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We're gonna put your profile on Match.com.

#121

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I don't see why. I got the waitress, guys.

#122

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Yeah. Yeah, right.

#123

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Sure, right. Uh, yeah, totally.

#124

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We thought maybe you could meet somebody new. Yeah.

#125

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Someone you like even more than the waitress.

#126

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I don't see how that's possible.

#127

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But I tell you what, let me pop a quick "H" on this box.

#128

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This way we all know it's filled with the hornets.

#129

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Okay? Okay, yeah. Do what you gotta do.

#130

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These things sting like a bitch, man.

#131

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First thing we gotta do is take your picture for the profile. So...

#132

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Ahh. So, do you have the makeup?

#133

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- Yeah. - Oh, no makeup! Come on.

#134

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Well, those hornet stings are pretty bad, buddy. So I think we're gonna have to...

#135

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Yeah. But I am who I am.

#136

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Right. But- Yeah, but...

#137

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Let's do who you are minus the hornet stings.

#138

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Let's pretend you're not who you are and just try to attract a woman.

#139

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I tell you what. What if I wore a checkered hat and I smoked a pipe? That'd work.

#140

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Why would you want a checkered hat and a pipe?

#141

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You know, for the Sherlock Holmes look.

#142

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Why would you want to look like Sherlock Holmes?

#143

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- Who are you trying to attract exactly? - Intelligent women.

#144

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Okay. I'm just gonna take the photo right now without the makeup...

#145

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- and see if he likes it. Ready? - Yeah.

#146

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- Ooh, that felt good. Was that sexy? - That's very...

#147

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That felt sexy. We'll Photoshop it.

#148

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Yeah, I can see where this is going.

#149

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Let's just not do that. We'll just Photoshop it.

#150

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Let's- Let's- You want to take another one?

#151

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No. No. We'll find another picture that we can use and that'll be fine.

#152

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Yeah. Let's talk about your likes and dislikes.

#153

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- How about your favorite food. What would that be? - Oh, milk steak.

#154

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Hmm? Hmm? What?

#155

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- Milk steak. - I'm not putting milk steak.

#156

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Just put steak. Just put regular steak. And then- I'm gonna put steak.

#157

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Put milk steak. She'll know what it is.

#158

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She won't know. Nobody knows what that is. She'll know what it is.

#159

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No- Okay, all right. What's your favorite hobby?

#160

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Uh, magnets.

#161

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Magnets? Okay, what, like making magnets, collecting magnets?

#162

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Playing with magnets? Just magnets.

#163

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I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. I don't really snowboard.

#164

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- All right, what are some of your likes? - Uh, ghouls.

#165

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Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?

#166

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You know, funny little green ghouls, go- What?

#167

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- What, like in movies and cartoons? What are you- - Little green ghouls, buddy.

#168

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Don't write ghouls! I'm not. I'm putting travel.

#169

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- Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes? - People's knees.

#170

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Come on! Come on! You gotta be kidding. You know what?

#171

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We'll make it up. We'll make the whole thing up. Let's get out of here!

#172

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We'll doctor the picture. We're not even gonna use you.

#173

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Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.

#174

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Where are you?

#175

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Come on.

#176

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Bingo, bitch.

#177

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- Hey! - - Hey.

#178

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You guys, how are you?

#179

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All right, calm down! I'll be two seconds!

#180

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Anyway, hi! How are you? What are you doing?

#181

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Okay, so listen up. I was thinking since, Brad, you were saying...

#182

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how your wedding was gonna be all poor or boring or dull or whatever it was you were...

#183

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You said our wedding was gonna be dull? I said it was gonna be small.

#184

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Small! Yup, that's exactly what it was.

#185

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I was thinking I could help you guys out by throwing you a bachelorette party!

#186

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Brad, you can totally come since you guys decided to do that nontraditional mumbo jumbo.

#187

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I think we're good. You know what, though.

#188

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I kinda would like to meet some of your friends.

#189

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Hold on here. Hold on. What am I hearing?

#190

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You haven't met some of her great friends?

#191

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It's just because this happened really quickly.

#192

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Is it a yes or a no? 'Cause you're kinda holding up traffic here. It's- It's rude.

#193

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Come on, lady! Well...

#194

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Look, I think it sounds great. It sounds like fun. Okay, perfect!

#195

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Wonderful! We've got a deal. See you guys tomorrow night, my place, at 8:00.

#196

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Bye, Brad. Good to see you.

#197

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Okay! Calm down, dick wads! It wasn't that bad!

#198

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Deandra, you got any bacon bits?

#199

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We like to put 'em in Artemis's hair and they rain down on me when we bang.

#200

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I feel like a Cobb salad. It's amazing.

#201

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Okay. I have no idea why anyone would want to feel like a Cobb salad.

#202

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But whatever, that's good. Bring that up when Brad's here.

#203

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All right, Mrs. Mac, make sure that you talk...

#204

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about how the waitress looks exactly like you when you were young, right?

#205

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You remember that? There's a whole carton of cigarettes in it for you.

#206

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Uh, Mrs. Kelly, remember,

#207

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this man that I'm bringing over, he wants to steal the love of your son's life away.

#208

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Nobody hurts my Charlie!

#209

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Yup, that's good. That's good. Keep that up. And keep the drinking coming.

#210

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- 'Cause it makes you get all weird. All right, this is- -

#211

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Oh, okay. They're here. Is everyone ready? You guys got it? Okay.

#212

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There they are!

#213

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Sorry we're late. Somebody took a little convincing.

#214

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Yup. I really didn't want to come, but Brad insisted.

#215

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Oh, you big, old, fat stick in the mud! Come on in, you guys.

#216

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They're here, everybody!

#217

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- What's up? - Here you go. Would you like some punch?

#218

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Is there alcohol in this? No, no, no, no.

#219

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No, absolutely not. I remember what an embarrassing problem you have with alcohol.

#220

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Brad, did you know about her unfortunate problems with drugs and alcohol?

#221

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Isn’t that sad? It's just alcohol.

#222

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Is it? And he's aware.

#223

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Oh. Really?

#224

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I thought there was, like, cocaine and heroin.

#225

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And remember when you were shooting up with the homeless people...

#226

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and banging for money on the street? No. no.

#227

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Wow. You're making all of that up.

#228

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Really? Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what?

#229

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You're absolutely right. I'm confusing you with another pathetic drunk that I know.

#230

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So you can still have fun, can't you, Brad? I can. I...

#231

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Let's get a beer. Okay.

#232

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Whoo-hoo. You look really nice tonight.

#233

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You like that? You like that?

#234

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The color of this shirt. I don't know what it's doing to your eyes, but I like it.

#235

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- All right, listen. You gotta be on your toes tonight, okay? - ##

#236

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This chick's a lawyer. She's gonna be pretty sharp.

#237

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Stick to the game plan, okay? She's a lawyer. I like that.

#238

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He's sweating through his shirt, dude. I know.

#239

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Listen, you remember your backstory?

#240

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No? Oh, for God's sakes! What is that?

#241

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I don't remember the backstory. All right, listen, man. You're a philanthropist.

#242

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That's what you are, okay? You used to own a small business.

#243

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But you gave all that up to help others. All right, who do I help?

#244

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Who am I helping? Oh, God.

#245

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It doesn't matter. I don't know, old people, uh, children, autistics, dyslexic folks.

#246

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It really doesn't matter, Charlie. I'm a full on re...

#247

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Ph-Philio- Philian- Philanthropist.

#248

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Dude, I can't get it. How do you say it? What is it?

#249

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Philanthropist! Meet us in the bathroom.

#250

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Oh, my God, dude! What is that? What was that?

#251

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Is that cheese? Have you eaten cheese?

#252

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How much cheese have you eaten today?

#253

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How much cheese is too much cheese?

#254

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Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!

#255

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I had a lot of cheese. I had a block of cheese.

#256

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Okay, okay- You ate a block of cheese today?

#257

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I was very nervous. I started eating cheese, man.

#258

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All right. All right, all right. Does that calm you down?

#259

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Just don't breathe in her direction, okay? Whatever you do.

#260

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How do I look? Relax.

#261

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Stick to the game plan. Do I look handsome?

#262

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You look great.

#263

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Okay. So I thought we would play a game.

#264

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Sort of a newlywed-type of game. And see how well you two know each other, okay?

#265

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Okay, question number one.

#266

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Who broke Brad's heart in high school and feels really bad about it?

#267

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Me. I broke Brad's heart in high school and I feel really bad about it. Okay?

#268

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Wait. You went to high school with us?

#269

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Yeah. I sat right next to you in trig.

#270

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Huh! Wow. You are very forgettable.

#271

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Anyway, I will have you all know that I also broke Brad's heart in high school. So...

#272

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You dated Dee? Mmm.

#273

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Briefly. Yeah.

#274

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- We dated hard, yep. - Both you girls dumped him because of his pizza face.

#275

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Ooh! Okay. Question number two.

#276

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How many people in the room have had sex with the bride-to-be?

#277

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Uh, just me I hope.

#278

⇓

- Ooh. - Whoops. Uh-uh. Over here, guy.

#279

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Ew! Okay, you know what?

#280

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That was a- That was a really dark time in my life, and it was a terrible mistake.

#281

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No, it's true. To be fair, it's true. She's in love with my brother.

#282

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They have a sex tape together. This guy came along- No.

#283

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I used to look like her. Give me my cigarettes.

#284

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Okay, I- I didn't tell you to go. I didn't give you the high sign.

#285

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Everybody's stealing my Charlie, girl!

#286

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- Oh! What the hell! - Okay, Brad. I think it's time for us to go.

#287

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We're gonna leave. All right.

#288

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Wait, no. No, no, no, no, Brad. No, don't leave yet. I'm sorry.

#289

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Hold on. No, no, don't leave. Oh, you bitch!

#290

⇓

Oh! Goddamn it! I should be the one getting married!

#291

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This is depressing. Want to go get sweaty in the bathroom? Sure do.

#292

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No! No one's getting sweaty in my bathroom! Just get out of here!

#293

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Okay. We'll go get sweaty in a Wendy's bathroom.

#294

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Great! Go have sex at Wendy's! Go for a ride.

#295

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Wonderful! Get out of here!

#296

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- This party sucks! - You suck!

#297

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- I need a ride. - Oh, really? Well, I ain't giving you shit, you old bitch!

#298

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- - Oh, my God, no! You can't borrow salad dressing!

#299

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Or condiments! Or anything else you two want to jam up into each other's...

#300

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I, uh- I forgot something.

#301

⇓

Oh. What?

#302

⇓

I forgot to tell you...

#303

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I still love you.

#304

⇓

Hi. Hi.

#305

⇓

Are you Charlie Kelly? Yeah. Yeah, I am. Yeah.

#306

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Sorry I'm late. Um- You're Jackie.

#307

⇓

Yes, I am. Are you all right?

#308

⇓

Oh, yeah, this? I was running.

#309

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Okay, because y-you're bleeding. Oh, shit.

#310

⇓

Is it bleeding again? I'm sorry.

#311

⇓

These are hornet stings, you know?

#312

⇓

I run into, like- like a lot of, like, hornets in my line of work.

#313

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And I get stung up, like, bad all over my face and stuff.

#314

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And then, you know, it starts bleeding. Oh.

#315

⇓

It sounds interesting. Yeah.

#316

⇓

What is it that you do again?

#317

⇓

I'm work- I'm like a janitor at, um...

#318

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I'm a full-on rapist, you know?

#319

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Uh, Africans, dyslexics, children, that sort of thing.

#320

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I'm sorry. Did you say you're a full-on rapist?

#321

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No! Did I say that? No! No, no, no, no!

#322

⇓

I help- I help people. You know what I mean? I'm...

#323

⇓

I'm a philan- a philan- a philan...

#324

⇓

A philanthropist? Yeah! That's exactly what it is.

#325

⇓

It gets blocked up in my mouth. I don't say it no good, so...

#326

⇓

I'm a janitor at a bar.

#327

⇓

Oh, God, dude! I'm sucking ass!

#328

⇓

Yeah, dude. You said you were a rapist!

#329

⇓

I went crazy in the brain for a second!

#330

⇓

Yeah. And my eyes were all like, uh- And I couldn't think straight.

#331

⇓

That shirt is ruined. I know, dude. Give me your shirt.

#332

⇓

What? Give you- That's a totally different shirt.

#333

⇓

Yeah. Can I- How the hell are you gonna explain that to her?

#334

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I'll say I met a nice guy in the bathroom and we traded shirts!

#335

⇓

Are you listening to yourself? Jesus Christ!

#336

⇓

I'm freaking out, dude. Okay, new plan. New plan. New plan.

#337

⇓

Charlie, make a move. Just tell her you want to bang her.

#338

⇓

Ooh. No, that's- Is that how you get chicks? Well, he's got a 50-50 shot.

#339

⇓

- That's a good point! - It is a yes-or-no scenario.

#340

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It is a no scenario! Why?

#341

⇓

Don't approach her that way. That's not gonna work. Am I getting the shirt?

#342

⇓

You're not gonna get the shirt. This is what you're gonna do.

#343

⇓

Go back out there. Start asking her questions about herself.

#344

⇓

Talk to her about being a lawyer, okay? I can do that.

#345

⇓

Right? Right? That's gonna work.

#346

⇓

If anything goes wrong, I'll come out there, I'll say I'm the manager of Gugino's.

#347

⇓

Do you understand? Okay.

#348

⇓

All right? I got it. I know. I understand it.

#349

⇓

You good? We'll be good.

#350

⇓

All right, great.

#351

⇓

Just go. Just get out there. Just go. Yeah.

#352

⇓

Hey, I'm sorry about that. It took a little while.

#353

⇓

There was a guy in the bathroom. He wouldn't give me his shirt. And I was fighting him.

#354

⇓

I'm, like, "Give me your shirt, bro. " And he didn't want to give it to me.

#355

⇓

- And it was like a whole thing. - Uh, uh, uhh!

#356

⇓

Hi. Uh, I'm the manager. And Mr. Kelly is one of our preferred customers.

#357

⇓

It's so wonderful to see you here again this evening. Right. My good man.

#358

⇓

Now I'm gonna want the milk steak boiled over hard...

#359

⇓

and a side of your finest jellybeans, raw.

#360

⇓

Mr. Kelly, you have the most wonderful sense of humor.

#361

⇓

Hey, I own this joint. And I know this guy. And he is loaded.

#362

⇓

Mr. Kelly, we have your milk boiling just the way you like it back there for your steak.

#363

⇓

You're gonna like this. How's about I clear out the coat room...

#364

⇓

and you guys hit it in there while the steak is getting ready?

#365

⇓

- What? - What in the hell are you doing?

#366

⇓

I got this. He's gonna be aggressive.

#367

⇓

I've got this. Charlie, make a move. Maul.

#368

⇓

No, don't- Oh, my God!

#369

⇓

- What are you doing? - I'm leaving!

#370

⇓

You're grabbing her breasts? What are you doing?

#371

⇓

I don't know. What does "make a move" mean?

#372

⇓

It doesn't mean stab at her breasts with your fingers. Oh, man!

#373

⇓

Come on, bro. You're ordering milk steak and jellybeans? What the hell?

#374

⇓

Come on, you guys blew it, dude! We blew it?

#375

⇓

I told you to stick with the game plan! It was going great! I had it!

#376

⇓

You don't know shit about chicks, man!

#377

⇓

- We don't know shit about chicks? - Yeah!

#378

⇓

Well, guess what, bro. The waitress is getting married. So suck on that!

#379

⇓

I see.

#380

⇓

Well, I suppose I'll be taking that milk steak to go then.

#381

⇓

Yeah. And so the Wendy's manager is all, "You gotta clean that up!"

#382

⇓

And I said, "They're your hamburgers. You clean 'em up."

#383

⇓

And then Artemis got all bummed out...

#384

⇓

because of something I did with the onions to myself.

#385

⇓

And now she won't talk to me. Frank, I don't give a shit about any of this.

#386

⇓

Hey, man, where's the baseball bat?

#387

⇓

Baseball bat in the corner. Oh.

#388

⇓

We're trying to arm ourselves 'cause Charlie's gonna be here any minute,

#389

⇓

and he might take us out, so...

#390

⇓

Oh, don't worry about Charlie. Charlie's over this.

#391

⇓

In fact, I saw him this morning. He said he was bringing the guy a congratulatory gift.

#392

⇓

Really? Yeah.

#393

⇓

Oh, great.

#394

⇓

Hey, what's- what's, uh- what's this?

#395

⇓

This is for your engagement, man. You're a lucky, lucky dude.

#396

⇓

And, uh, congratulations to you. Oh, right.

#397

⇓

No, no, no. That's not happening anymore. We're not, uh- We're not engaged.

#398

⇓

You're not getting married? Nah.

#399

⇓

Oh! You're Charlie Kelly, right?

#400

⇓

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember you from high school.

#401

⇓

Hang on a second, dude. You're not getting married?

#402

⇓

Well-

#403

⇓

Remember how everybody used to make fun of us in high school?

#404

⇓

I remember how they made fun of you.

#405

⇓

Anyway, I have been getting my revenge.

#406

⇓

I've been getting engaged to all these chicks who broke up with me in high school...

#407

⇓

'cause of my acne, and then I dump 'em right before the wedding.

#408

⇓

Damn.

#409

⇓

Yeah. I just got through doing it to that coffee shop waitress.

#410

⇓

Now I'm gonna do it to this chick Dee Reynolds. Remember her?

#411

⇓

She was the worst. Yeah.

#412

⇓

Uh, so that coffee shop waitress, she must've been hurt kinda bad by that though, right?

#413

⇓

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was- She was devastated.

#414

⇓

Oh. So...

#415

⇓

Well, tell you what, man. Why don't you go ahead and have this present anyway?

#416

⇓

Really? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel like you deserve it.

#417

⇓

Well, thanks, dude. Yeah.

#418

⇓

That's- That's rad. All right. Okay.

#419

⇓

Well, keep it real, man. Okay. Okay.

#420

⇓

All right.

#421

⇓

ENGLISH - US - PSDH

#422

⇓