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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E01 — The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 1 — The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis

Air date: September 17, 2009

Director: Randall Einhorn

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Dennis, Mac, and Frank go into real estate, while Dee sets out to be a surrogate for a wealthy couple. Charlie gets into it with an attorney over the law.

Source: TMDB

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[Dennis] Stop it. [Charlie] All right. You're getting hung up on "can't."

charlie dennis hung

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And I'm not saying that you can't. I'm saying that it is illegal.

illegal

↓

No, it is not illegal! Dude.

illegal

↓

Says the guy who knows nothing about the law!

knows

↓

I can absolutely keep a hummingbird as a pet, bro.

absolutely hummingbird

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It's no different than having a parrot, or a parakeet. It's a bird, bro.

bird having parakeet parrot

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You really can't, and I'm not saying I agree with it.

agree

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It's just that bird law in this country- it's not governed by reason.

bird country reason

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There is no such thing as bird law. Yes, there is!

bird

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I'm gonna get a hummingbird, and I'll show you. You guys, I have huge news.

huge hummingbird news

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Hummingbirds are illegal tender. I'm gonna get one.

hummingbirds illegal tender

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You cannot. To spite you, I'm gonna get one.

cannot spite

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Hello? Where are we with gulls?

gulls

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You guys! You can keep a gull as a pet.

gull

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But you do not want to live with a seabird, 'cause the noise level alone on those things...

alone level live noise seabird

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Have you ever heard a gull up close? It's gonna blast your eardrums out, dude.

blast close gull heard

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You guys, I'm serious! I have huge news here!

huge news serious

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The principle is that you can have any bird that- Yo!

bird principle

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I got great news, guys. Frank's got news?

franks news

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Frank's got news? [Chanting] News, news, news, news!

chanting franks news news-news news-news-news

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News, news, news, news, news, news, news, news!

news news-news news-news-news

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I just bought a house at a foreclosure auction.

auction bought house

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Holy shit! That's amazing.

amazing holy

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Oh, is it? Is it "amazing"?

amazing

↓

- Now hang on. You're not moving out, are you? - No, no, no, no.

hang moving

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I bought this as an investment. I bought it on the cheap.

bought cheap investment

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Ah, you might've missed the boat on that, Frank. Not the best time to invest.

best boat frank invest mightve missed

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I beg to differ with you.

differ

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Now is the time to invest because all the prices are low.

invest prices

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As soon as the market turns around, I'm gonna make a boatload.

market turns

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Frank's talking about flipping the house. Flip the house!

flip flipping franks house

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Making some money! That's exciting.

exciting money

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I'm having a baby!

baby having

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Do yourself a favor and flush it out.

favor flush

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No. That's not- "Flush it out"?

flush

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No. I'm not pregnant. I...

pregnant

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I answered an ad for a couple who wants a surrogate.

answered couple surrogate wants

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See, people who can't have kids are willing to pay a shitload of money to people like myself,

kids money shitload willing

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who can carry it for them.

carry

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Wait. What's going on? You're carrying someone's baby somewhere?

baby carrying someones

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H-Hold it. I am not spending money on another little bastard.

another bastard money spending spending-money

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- I did that already, twice. - Come on.

twice

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No. They're keeping the baby. It's their baby. How are you guys not understanding this?

baby keeping understanding

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Uh, Dee, before you continue this babbling,

babbling continue

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does your thing involve us in any way,

involve

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or are you just kind of- at us?

↓

Well, no. It's just that's huge news, so I figured you guys might want to know.

figured huge might news

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It doesn't matter. Let's just talk about the house! Let's talk about the house!

house matter

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Hold on one second. Actually, Dee being pregnant is pretty big news.

news pregnant second

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Now, we could take the house idea and the baby idea and merge the two things.

baby house idea merge

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It just feels muddy though. Let's just stick with one. It's cleaner, right?

cleaner feels muddy stick

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- It could be an interesting- - House.

house interesting

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But I'm just saying that if- House.

house

↓

I don't know exactly how we would take the two ideas and put them together.

ideas

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House! But I think if we came up with something...

house

↓

[Chanting] House! House! House!

chanting house house-house house-house-house

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Just the house thing? House! House! House! House!

house house-house house-house-house

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House, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house!

house house-house house-house-house

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Flush, flush, flush!

flush

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Deandra? Thank you so much for responding to our ad in the paper.

deandra paper responding

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You're welcome. We've had so many letdowns going through the agency.

agency welcome

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Yeah. We thought we'd just try to find a surrogate by ourselves.

surrogate

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I just feel really honored to be able to provide a service for a lovely couple like yourselves.

able couple honored lovely provide service yourselves

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Good. Thank you. Yeah.

↓

We just had a couple questions we'd like to ask you. Shoot.

couple couple-questions questions shoot

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Honey, why don't you- Okay. So- Sorry.

honey

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But do you have any history with drugs or alcohol?

alcohol drugs history

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Never. Neither. That's great.

↓

Um, any- any family history of mental illness?

family family-history history illness mental

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Uh, well, my brother's a dick, if that counts.

brothers counts dick

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I don't- I don't think so.

↓

It's just a joke though, Sean. So, the next one?

joke sean

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And- And- Okay. So what about your medical history?

history medical

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Is there any health problems we should know about?

health problems

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Kate, I'm gonna be honest with you.

honest kate

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I have never had a health problem in my entire life.

entire entire-life health life problem

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Wow.

↓

Clean as a whistle. That's amazing.

amazing clean whistle

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- Down here, up here, wherever. - This is all great news. I mean...

news

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Isn't it? Yes, it really is.

↓

Okay, great. So let's talk turkey. And by that, I mean money.

money turkey

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Oh. We just thought we'd pay the standard rate of $20,000.

rate standard

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20,000. Okay. Yeah.

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I like the sound of that. I'm gonna throw something at you guys, so brace yourselves.

brace sound throw yourselves

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What are your thoughts on doubling down, so to speak,

speak thoughts

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and going for twins?

twins

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[Chuckles] Right?

chuckles

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No. No.

↓

If it's a matter of price, I'm willing to cut you a deal on the second one.

deal matter price second willing

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And we don't have to stop at two.

↓

I've typed up a price sheet I would like the two of you to peruse.

price sheet typed

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If you'll look down around number four or five,

five four number number-four

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that's when you really start to see some savings.

savings start

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You guys want to go for an Octomom thing? Huh? I'm game.

game

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You want to have 10? You want to outdo that bitch?

bitch

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I'll have that conversation. I'm kidding.

conversation kidding

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I don't want 10 people inside of me.

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But- This is great.

↓

I-I just- I think we're really just gonna do the one,

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I think is- is what we want.

↓

One baby.

baby

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Look for shit on the walls, 'cause that's what they do.

walls

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When they know they're getting thrown out of a house, they smear feces all over the walls.

feces house smear thrown walls

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Really? Yes.

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They didn't do that here. This is a pretty nice house. A little lived in maybe.

house lived

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Well, you know, I found something cooking on the stove. That's pretty "unresponsible."

cooking found stove

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Mac and cheese. I can't believe they left all this stuff in the house.

believe cheese house left stuff

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I mean, what's the deal? Do we have to burn it?

burn deal

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- Hey, get the hell out of our house! - Jesus. There's people here!

house jesus

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- Squatters! - We're not squatters! This is our house!

house

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What do you mean your house? I bought this house! We own this house!

bought house

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You didn't buy it from us! You bought it from the bank. We didn't sell it.

bank bought sell

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Oh, look, bitch! We bought it from them because they foreclosed on your bitch ass!

bitch bought foreclosed

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Yeah, yeah. You got proof? Proof? What are you talking about, proof?

proof

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A deed, paperwork. Go get your proof. Proof.

deed paperwork proof

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Bring it back here. We'll look at the paperwork. Is that what you want?

bring paperwork

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You want proof? I'll give you proof! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

proof whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

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Frank, take it easy, bud. Take it- You gotta use your head now.

easy frank head

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Think about the law. All right?

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What happens if you accidentally hit a child with an umbrella?

accidentally child happens umbrella

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In the eyes of the law, that is child abuse. What happens then?

abuse child child-abuse eyes happens

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In the eyes of the law, you have to give your properties to the parents of that child.

child eyes parents

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I'm sorry, little kid. He doesn't know the law that well.

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I don't even know what the hell he's talking about. It doesn't matter.

matter

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We shouldn't bash these people up. No. No!

bash

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Of course we shouldn't bash these people up! Look- Okay.

bash course

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Absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here.

absolutely cave husbands skull

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Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her.

basement free wife

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We could tie the kids up in their rooms so they wouldn't hear any of it.

kids rooms

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Dennis, in that scenario, we'd have to kill the kids 'cause they would've seen our faces.

dennis faces kids kill scenario seen wouldve

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Right. We could smear the walls with their blood.

blood smear walls

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Guys, there are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here.

number scenarios twisted

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But I think the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.

deed easiest

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Right. Why get weird?

weird

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Let's just keep it simple. For now, we take the high road.

road simple

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We'll take the high road. Take the high road out of here.

road

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Oh, well, I'm so glad we're gonna get to work with you, Deandra.

deandra glad

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Oh, Kate, Sean, I tell you what. You guys are getting one hell of a uterus.

kate sean uterus

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Great. Okay. Well, listen. It was really nice to meet you.

meet

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Wow! This house really opens up here, doesn't it?

house opens

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Uh- From the curb, it doesn't really look like much.

curb

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But once you get inside, it's got a real ass on it.

real

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Well, thank you. It's always felt a little empty without a family.

empty family

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Oh, shit! Is that a pool?

pool

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Uh, yeah. Of course, when the baby comes, we'll have a fence around it.

baby baby-comes comes course fence

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Right, right, right. How deep?

deep

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The pool? Yeah, the pool!

pool

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- Uh, eight feet. - Oh, man.

eight eight-feet feet

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You guys jackknife off this diving board all the time or what?

board diving jackknife

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Oh, I used to be so good at those. You mind if I get in?

mind used

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Um- Yeah, we- we have a lot of stuff to do today.

stuff today

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So- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

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No, errands are very important, but really, the most important thing right now...

errands

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is for me to stay relaxed, if you don't want my tubes to get all tensed up.

relaxed tubes

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So, you want to go grab a swimsuit for me to borrow,

borrow grab swimsuit

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or should I just jump in in my birthday gear?

birthday gear jump

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No. Don't do that. We'll- Honey, do we have a suit that she can borrow?

borrow honey suit

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Sure. I'll go get you that suit.

suit

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[Sean] Okay. Good girl.

girl sean

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All right, Charlie. We are gonna be gentlemen. Yup.

charlie gentlemen

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We have the law on our side. We just show them the deed. Mm-hmm.

deed side

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And then they vacate the premises. Mm-hmm.

premises vacate

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And that's it. No reason to be animals about it. And they changed the locks.

animals changed locks reason

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Yes, they did. You were right, Frank! They changed the locks, bud.

changed frank locks

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I'm telling you, these people, they're uncivilized deadbeats.

telling

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Let's smash the door down. All right, ready? Here we go.

door ready smash

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[Together] And a-one, and a-two, and a-three...

three

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[Shouting]

shouting

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- [Groans] - [Charlie] Oh, that- that was a bummer.

bummer charlie groans

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Man. I gotta admit, that's, uh...

admit

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That felt very unsatisfying to me.

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- [Frank] Yeah, I didn't like that. - Should you guys, um...

frank

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No. Try smashing it from the inside?

smashing

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- Let's just give it another shot. And- - [Charlie] Oh!

another another-shot charlie shot

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- [Charlie] Give it another one. - Kick it.

another charlie kick

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- Nice, dude! - My door!

door

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My door, deadbeat! My door!

deadbeat door

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And what's this shyster lawyer doing here?

lawyer

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Well, it is just so nice to see you again, Mr. Reynolds.

reynolds

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I see that you're still just... horrible.

horrible

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Yes, you're horrible too. And I hate your tie. Hey. All right.

hate horrible

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You know what? This family behind me- Yeah.

behind family

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Has 90 days to vacate. Deadbeats.

days vacate

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Until then, you can't touch them. That's bull bird, man.

bird bull touch

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What do you got there? Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bull bird.

bird bull frank handle

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I'll tell you that right now. He's making a few good points.

points

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Look, buddy. Crap.

buddy

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I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings.

various

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I'm well educated, well versed.

↓

I know that situations like this, real-estate wise, they're very complex.

complex estate real real-estate situations wise

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Actually, they're pretty simple.

simple

↓

The forms are all standard boilerplate.

forms standard

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Okay. We're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hot plates soon enough.

hungry plates

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All right? Well, let's talk about the contract here...

contract

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I'm sorry. I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?

forgot school

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Uh, well, I could ask you that very same question. I went to Harvard.

harvard question

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Ah. Mm-hmm. How 'bout you?

bout

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Where? Yeah? Hmm? I'm pleading the Fifth, sir.

fifth pleading

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I'd advise that you do that.

advise

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I'll take that advice into cooperation. All right?

advice cooperation

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Let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor.

bird comes victor

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You know, I don't think I'm gonna do anything close to that,

close

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and I can see clearly you know nothing about the law.

↓

It seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general.

english general grasp language seems

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Okay. Well- Filibuster.

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Uh- Do you- Do you know what that word means?

word

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Yup! Yeah, what's that mean?

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[Sighs]

sighs

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- [Screams] - [Door Shattering]

door screams shattering

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I-I'm gonna- We're gonna- [Groans]

groans

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[Frank] No, no, no. Now I'm all churned up about this.

frank

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I can't wait 90 days to get rid of those people.

days

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I mean, I gotta sell that house.

house sell

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Frank, don't be rash. It's just 90 days.

days frank rash

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No. In 90 days, there's gonna be shit all over those walls.

days walls

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[Scoffs] Those people are gonna trash that house.

house scoffs trash

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We won't be able to get a dime for it.

able dime

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I am calling a Realtor right now.

calling

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Oh, wait, Frank. Hold on a second. [Phone Beeps]

beeps frank phone phone-beeps second

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Maybe we could sell the house ourselves, you know? Save the five percent.

five house percent save sell

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What do Realtors do anyway? They pop on a blazer.

blazer

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They walk people through a house. We can do that.

house walk

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Mac, the real estate business is something that takes a lot of style and a lot of finesse,

business estate finesse real real-estate style takes

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and that's something that the two of us both have in spades.

spades

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Absolutely. I'm thinking we do like a classic good Realtor-bad Realtor dynamic.

absolutely classic dynamic thinking

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Oh, shit. I'm the good, you're the bad?

↓

You're the sweet to my sour. The honey to your vinegar?

honey sour sweet vinegar

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That's good, dude!

↓

- Honey and Vinegar Realty. - I like that.

honey vinegar

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I like the Honey and Vinegar. I like what I'm hearing, boys.

boys hearing honey vinegar

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Okay! I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!

full

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What guy? That lawyer guy. Okay?

lawyer

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He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.

demand satisfaction today

↓

You want him to bang you? Uh...

bang

↓

No, Mac. Be serious, okay?

serious

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He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. All right?

front jury peers

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Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened. Take a look at this picture.

happened picture used

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- What do you see? - I see two trannies shooting at each other.

shooting

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No, dude. They're dueling, okay?

dueling

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These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.

argument dueling lawyers settling

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Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?

lawyers

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'Cause it's an old book, okay?

book

↓

I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know!

explain

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I'm trying to get satisfied from this dude, and you're trying to...

satisfied

↓

I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

care satisfied

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- What are you doing, Deandra? - Collecting the money you bitches owe me.

bitches collecting deandra money

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I'm going on maternity leave.

maternity

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What are you jabbering about now?

↓

I got a sweet setup going on as a surrogate for a couple of rich yuppies.

couple rich setup surrogate sweet sweet-setup

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They have a huge house, kick-ass pool.

house huge kick pool

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I'm living the high life. So suck on that, white stains.

life living stains suck white

↓

Oh, dude!

↓

I knew we should've done the baby thing. Now there's a pool involved?

baby involved pool shouldve

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When was the last time you swam in a pool? I want to swim in the pool!

pool swam swim

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- It's been like forever since I swam in a pool. - No, no! Now, let's focus here.

focus forever pool swam

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We gotta sell this house.

house sell

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And then we can go swim in Deandra's pool.

pool swim

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Hey, Vic. You got that other snack tray?

snack tray

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I certainly do, Hugh. Certainly do. Okay, great.

certainly hugh

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People are gonna be here any second. I want them to be well fed.

second

↓

The house looks nice. The house looks nice. It does look nice.

house

↓

Hey, hey, hey!

↓

You jerks aren't supposed to be here when my mom and dad are at work!

jerks supposed

↓

Your mom and dad aren't at work. That's why they lost the house.

house lost

↓

They're probably at the dog track getting wasted. Dude, eat my boogers.

track wasted

↓

You eat my boogers! Whoa, whoa! Hey, Vic, Vic. Whoa.

whoa whoa-whoa

↓

Smell that vinegar boiling up inside you.

boiling smell vinegar

↓

But I need you to save some of it for the customer.

customer save

↓

Do that for me, okay, baby boy?

baby

↓

What the hell's going on out here?

hells

↓

- Frank, can you get these kids out of here? - Yeah. Come on.

frank kids

↓

We're gonna go paint your room a color that's not stupid.

color paint room stupid

↓

Then we're gonna throw your toys in the trash!

throw toys trash

↓

Listen, I need you on my team. You on my team?

team

↓

Yeah. I'm- I'm on your team. All right, great. Yeah?

team

↓

Yeah. I just- He gets me- That's good.

↓

[Knocking] Oh! Here we go.

knocking

↓

- Hi! How are ya? - How you doing? We're here to look at the house.

house

↓

Of course. Yeah, come on in. Hi. I'm Hugh Honey. How you doing?

course honey hugh

↓

Good. This is my associate, Vic Vinegar. Hi. Tad.

associate vinegar

↓

And we are here to show you this house.

house

↓

Okay. Oh! Good.

↓

Okay. [Chuckles] Come on in. Great.

chuckles

↓

Hi. Okay.

↓

Good. All right. This is the living room. Okay! Wonderful.

living living-room room

↓

Now, what do you folks think? It's a beautiful house, right?

folks house

↓

Well, you know, I'm thinking this might be a bit large for what we need.

might thinking

↓

- Oh, I'm sorry, buddy. Is this house too big for you? - Now, Vic.

buddy house

↓

Just a second, Hugh. Why don't you ask your wife what she needs, pal?

hugh needs second wife

↓

Oh, I'm sorry. Is she used to something smaller, and you don't think she can handle it?

handle smaller used

↓

Okay, I think we're gonna get going. It's okay, you guys. I'm here.

↓

I want this to be a good experience for you. Okay? I'll tell you what, buddy.

buddy experience

↓

How 'bout I take your wife upstairs and show her what it's like...

bout upstairs wife

↓

to be deep inside a really big house?

deep house

↓

What? What?

↓

What?

↓

Uh, you'll have to excuse my associate.

associate excuse

↓

It's just his passion for quality real estate that makes him so intense.

estate intense makes passion quality real real-estate

↓

Now, what can we do to put you in this house?

house

↓

I think we're just gonna go now. Yeah.

↓

Are you gonna buy the house? [Woman] We're gonna go.

house woman

↓

Are you going to buy this house? We don't want any trouble.

house trouble

↓

Are you going to buy this house? I don't know! I don't know!

house

↓

Are you going to buy this house? Yes! Yes!

house

↓

"Yes" what? Yes, I will buy this house!

house

↓

That's it. There we go. That's all I wanted to hear. Congratulations, folks.

congratulations folks wanted

↓

You just bought a brand-new house.

bought brand house

↓

Can we go? Yeah!

↓

Go, honey. Go. Congratulations.

congratulations honey

↓

I'm going! Just go!

↓

All right. We'll be in touch. Oh! That was amazing, bro!

amazing touch

↓

You think that's gonna work? Bro, it already did work. You heard the skirt.

heard skirt

↓

She said, "Yes, I will buy this house." That is a binding verbal contract.

binding contract house verbal

↓

Now, I heard it. You heard it. And that pussy husband of hers heard it too.

heard husband pussy

↓

If they back out now, I will find them, I will strangle them, I will beat them into oblivion!

beat oblivion strangle

↓

Wow! Wow! I'm full of the vinegar.

full vinegar

↓

- Oh. Yeah! - Hey. How'd it go?

howd

↓

Sold it! Sold the house.

house sold

↓

Sold it? Fantastic!

fantastic sold

↓

Let's get another house, flip it over, make some cash.

another cash flip house

↓

It's not really the cash that I care about anymore.

anymore care cash

↓

It's the thrill of the sale that I'm responding to.

responding sale thrill

↓

- You're driven by the thrill of the sale. - You know what I'm thinking?

driven sale thinking thrill

↓

Maybe it's time to merge the two ideas after all.

ideas merge

↓

- Baby in the house? - Baby in the house.

baby house

↓

[Chuckling] Honey and Vinegar?

chuckling honey vinegar

↓

Okay. Jesus Christ. All right. I'll get on it.

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

Mmm.

↓

Well, well, well, well, well!

↓

If it isn't the big-time, hotshot lawyer man.

hotshot lawyer

↓

Oh, my God. I do not have time for you.

↓

Yeah, so we both have busy schedules, so I'll make this quick.

busy quick schedules

↓

I shan't mince words with you for long.

words

↓

I am challenging you, sir, to a duel.

challenging

↓

- I accept. - Uh...

accept

↓

[Pen Tapping On Desk] [Chuckles] Are you serious?

chuckles desk serious tapping

↓

Yeah. I accept your challenge.

accept challenge

↓

Do you want time to think it over? No!

↓

No. No, not at all. Um, what time were you thinking of dueling?

dueling thinking

↓

[Exhales] Any time is good, really. I don't have...

exhales

↓

You don't have time 'cause you would have to go out and get a proper gun.

proper

↓

Oh. No, no, no.

↓

I have a gun. I actually keep one right here in the drawer.

drawer

↓

You got one right there? I don't need to see it.

↓

I like to keep it loaded because you never know who's gonna walk into a law office these days.

days loaded office walk

↓

[Laughing] Safety first.

laughing safety

↓

- Right. - So let's rethink some things.

rethink

↓

[Clears Throat]

clears clears-throat throat

↓

Let's say that you've learned your lesson now,

learned lesson

↓

and I've learned a little lesson.

learned lesson

↓

Hmm. And we'll call it even,

↓

and I will respectfully decline the duel.

decline respectfully

↓

- Well, you can't decline. - Eh?

decline

↓

As you know, once the duel's been accepted, you know, there's no backing out.

accepted backing

↓

I mean, that's the law. Yup.

↓

Anyway, great! This is settled.

settled

↓

And I was looking for something to do tomorrow afternoon anyway.

afternoon looking tomorrow

↓

So I'm gonna pencil you in for high noon tomorrow. Don't do it.

noon pencil tomorrow

↓

- Don't do it. - And, uh, don't worry...

worry

↓

'cause, um, wherever you are, I'll find you.

↓

- Yeah. - I'm gonna put one right between your teeth.

teeth

↓

And it's just gonna pop out the back of your neck. [Clicks Tongue]

clicks clicks-tongue neck tongue

↓

Hey, Deandra? Can we talk to you for a sec?

deandra

↓

Hey, you guys. Watch me bust out this sweet jackknife.

bust jackknife sweet watch

↓

- Oh! Whoa! - [Gasps, Coughing]

coughing gasps whoa

↓

- [Laughing] You guys! - Are you okay?

laughing

↓

- Oh, I biffed that one, huh? - You "biffed" it?

↓

Whoo! Thank God there wasn't a baby in there, huh?

baby whoo

↓

Could you get me a refill on that, guy? What is this?

refill

↓

Piña colada. Been crushing them. They're great in the heat.

crushing heat

↓

Ah. I don't think you should be drinking and swimming.

drinking swimming

↓

- No. - Dingdong! Hello.

↓

[Dee] Goddamn it. Hello!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

- Hi. - No, no, no, no, no.

↓

We're looking for Deandra Reynolds. Oh, there she is.

deandra deandra-reynolds looking reynolds

↓

Wait, wait. Don't do that. We're the wealthy homosexual couple she promised her womb to.

couple homosexual promised wealthy womb

↓

Indeed, we are. I'm Hugh Honey, and this is my partner, Vic Vinegar.

honey hugh indeed partner vinegar

↓

We're partners in real estate, and we're partners in life.

estate life partners real real-estate

↓

[Dee Laughing] Oh, hi!

laughing

↓

Oh, hey! Oh, you guys!

↓

How are you doing, sweetie? Oh, excuse us for just one second.

excuse second sweetie

↓

Oh, boy. It's good to see you.

↓

What the hell are you guys doing here? Do not ruin this for me!

ruin

↓

Dee, relax. Okay? We're gonna start a bidding war, drive up the price of your womb.

bidding drive price relax start womb

↓

Why would I want you to drive up the price of my womb?

drive price womb

↓

If we make this couple desperate enough for money, they'll sell their house to us.

couple desperate house money sell

↓

We're buying every house in the neighborhood. Yeah, check it out.

buying check house neighborhood

↓

We get the house, you get a higher price for that kid you're crapping out. Everybody wins.

crapping everybody higher house price wins

↓

We're merging the ideas. I didn't want to merge the ideas in the first place.

ideas merge place

↓

Well, we're merging 'em, so get used to it.

used

↓

Uh, we're giving Deandra $100,000 to carry a child for us.

carry child deandra giving

↓

Now, I'll be providing the sperm, of course.

course providing sperm

↓

And I'll be providing the money because I'm the breadwinner in the relationship.

money providing relationship

↓

And I'm the trophy husband. He's my bottom.

bottom husband trophy

↓

Oh! I'm the power bottom. Technically, I generate most of the power.

bottom generate power power-bottom technically

↓

Only because I'm giving out so much power from the top.

giving power

↓

You need to generate power to accept it.

accept generate power

↓

- Deandra, what the hell are they talking about? - I don't know.

deandra

↓

Hey, Dee! Hey! Hey!

↓

[Sean] Who's this guy? Oh, splinter!

sean splinter

↓

There's a gate, bro! What the hell are you doing here?

gate

↓

Pardon me, ma'am, sir.

maam pardon

↓

- Everything's fine 'cause Daddy's here now. - Who are you?

daddys everythings

↓

I'm the father of the baby growing inside of her stomach, and I need a safe place to hide.

baby father growing hide place safe safe-place stomach

↓

What baby are you talking about, Charlie? I'm not pregnant yet!

baby charlie pregnant

↓

- [Crashing] - Abort!

abort crashing

↓

[Grunts] Abort! Abort!

abort abort-abort grunts

↓

- Do not buy this house! - There's a goddamn gate!

gate goddamn house

↓

I just got done with that lawyer. He threatened to sue me.

lawyer threatened

↓

- What? Why? - Well, I had those kids painting their room.

kids painting room

↓

And then I told them to go down, rip some copper pipes out.

copper pipes

↓

Their little hands got all bloody. Big deal.

bloody deal hands

↓

And they- I had to give them the house to settle the suit.

house settle suit

↓

Okay, that's it. You all are crazy, and I'm asking you to leave.

asking crazy

↓

[Dee] Yes. So, let's go.

↓

Please leave. Oh, are you sure? Really?

↓

- This is a very inviting pool. - You heard the guy! You heard him!

heard inviting pool

↓

Oh, you two. I am so sorry about that.

↓

Boy, that was nuts, wasn't it?

nuts

↓

Yeah.

↓

You know, we're gonna have to ask you to leave as well.

↓

But what about the baby?

baby

↓

We're just gonna find someone else. Oh, you guys!

↓

You got me there! I thought you were serious. We are serious, Deandra.

deandra serious

↓

[Splashing]

splashing

↓

Oh, this shit is like a bathtub. [Mac] Jackknife!

bathtub jackknife

↓

Oh, yeah! Cannonball!

cannonball

↓

Whoo! [Mac] Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

whoo

↓

- Oh, yeah! - This is great.

↓

Come on in, Dee. Chicken fight! Chicken fight!

chicken chicken-fight chicken-fight-chicken fight fight-chicken fight-chicken-fight

↓

- [Dennis] Let's do a chicken fight! - Chicken fight! Chicken fight!

chicken chicken-fight chicken-fight-chicken dennis fight fight-chicken fight-chicken-fight

↓

Chicken fight! Chicken fight! Chicken fight!

chicken chicken-fight chicken-fight-chicken fight fight-chicken fight-chicken-fight

↓

[Shouting]

shouting

↓

[Screaming]

screaming

↓

Yeah! Yeah!

↓

[Voices Speaking Backwards]

backwards speaking voices

↓

ENGLISH - US - PSDH

english psdh