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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E02 — The Gang Hits the Road

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 2 — The Gang Hits the Road

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Hits the Road

Air date: September 24, 2009

Director: Fred Savage

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

The gang tries to expand their horizons by going on a road trip to the Grand Canyon.

Source: TMDB

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You gotta be careful of the wire, Charlie.

careful charlie wire

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I'm not gonna pinch the wire. I know what I'm doing.

pinch wire

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'Cause then the brake lights don't work. I know what I'm doing.

brake lights

↓

Make sure it's on tight. It's on as tight as it's gonna get!

tight

↓

Okay. All right. It's on good and tight.

tight

↓

Hey, Dennis, I think we should get, like, a G.P.S. System,

dennis system

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'cause these maps are from, like, the '70s, dude. G.P.S. System? Oh, hell, no!

maps system

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No? That's gonna ruin the road trip experience.

experience road road-trip ruin trip

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We gotta go do this old school, baby. Maps, fresh cigarettes, fresh coffee,

baby cigarettes coffee fresh maps school

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cooking out on the grill, sleeping in sleeping bags. Old school.

bags cooking grill school sleeping

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Old school, baby! I'm into that!

baby school

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Campfire. Let's do old school!

campfire school

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Old school, yeah! Oh, shit.

school

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- Oh, shit. - Who is that? That Sweet Dee?

sweet

↓

That's Dee. That's Sweet Dee.

sweet

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Oh, goddamn it. What is that car?

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

What is she doing here? What car is that?

↓

Ah, shit. Okay, don't- don't- Just don't say anything.

↓

Hey, guys. What's with the trailer? Hey.

trailer

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None of your business. What are you doing here so early?

business early

↓

- Why are you at work early? - I woke up early this morning and went and bought a new car.

bought early morning woke

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It's pretty sweet. Where you guys going?

sweet

↓

- We're going to the Grand Canyon. - Goddamn it, Frank!

canyon frank goddamn goddamn-it grand grand-canyon

↓

- Really? - Frank wants to see it before he dies, so...

dies frank wants

↓

Yeah, what happened was he told us about a road trip. We got all excited.

excited happened road road-trip trip

↓

We got up super early and we packed the car...

early packed super

↓

- and were hoping to get out of here before your bus arrived. - You were just gonna ditch me?

arrived ditch hoping

↓

Nah, it's cool. I'm gonna stick around.

cool stick

↓

Yeah. Charlie's too scared. Yeah. He's never left Philly before.

charlies left philly scared

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I'm not scared! I just haven't left Philly.

left philly scared

↓

Why leave Philly, you know? He's frightened.

frightened philly

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- I want to go. - No, you're not going.

↓

You can't come 'cause it'll take forever.

forever itll

↓

Yeah, and you're gonna have to pee every five minutes. It's gonna be stupid.

five five-minutes minutes stupid

↓

I'm not gonna get stuck behind with Charlie.

behind charlie stuck

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Wait a second! If you go, I'm gonna be all by myself in the bar.

second

↓

That's messed up, guys. I mean, that's more change than, like, even if I went.

change messed

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- You know what? Maybe I should go. - Great. We're all in.

↓

It's gonna be packed in the car! No, we're not all in.

packed

↓

- Yeah, we're going. - We're going on a road trip, baby!

baby road road-trip trip

↓

Why did you have to buy a new car today of all days?

days today

↓

I'll go get my stuff.

stuff

↓

I can't believe you've never been out of Philly, Charlie.

believe charlie philly

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Yeah, man. What the hell? I've never done a lot of things.

↓

What else have you not done, bro? Uh, I've never eaten a pear.

eaten pear

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What? How is that possible? Seriously.

possible

↓

Really? Pears weird me out, dude. Where do you start with a pear?

pear start weird

↓

The top, the bottom? What do you mean, where do you start?

bottom start

↓

Just bite into it. It's a fruit. You just start it.

bite fruit start

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Really? You just bite it? It's a weird-looking thing.

bite looking weird

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Okay, you know what? Pull over. I'm getting this kid a pear.

pear pull

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No, no. No pulling over! We've got a schedule. Yeah, no, no.

pulling schedule

↓

I would love to take a quick leak. Are you serious?

leak love quick serious

↓

Oh, Deandra! We just left!

deandra left

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That's what I was worried about.

worried

↓

And it can't just be any pear, dude. It's gotta be a fresh one.

fresh pear

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Let's go to the Italian market. Oh, okay.

italian italian-market market

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Hey-oh! The Italian market is way out of our way.

italian italian-market market

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Nah. Dennis, do you have to smoke?

dennis smoke

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It's coming right back in through my window.

coming window

↓

Roll your window up then, Dee, 'cause I'm a-smoking.

roll smoking window

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The window needs to be down for the fresh air.

fresh needs window

↓

Hey, I've never had blueberries either. What?

blueberries

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What are you talking about? That's crazy!

crazy

↓

That is completely insane. We're definitely going to the Italian market.

completely completely-insane insane italian italian-market market

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Dennis, let's go. You believe this guy? Jesus!

believe dennis jesus

↓

- What guy? - Guy on the bike.

bike

↓

He's taking up the whole goddamn road.

goddamn road whole whole-goddamn

↓

Ride on the sidewalk if you're gonna ride a bike, asshole!

asshole bike ride sidewalk

↓

What was that?

↓

He flicked you off, dude. Is that what that was?

↓

He flicked you off, man. Son of a bitch.

bitch

↓

Real chip on his shoulder, huh? You wanna egg him?

chip real shoulder

↓

Yeah, I wanna egg him. You got eggs?

eggs

↓

No. That would have been good though. That would've been good, man.

wouldve

↓

You know what? I'm gonna fire a beer across his bow. Ruffle his feathers.

beer feathers fire

↓

Yeah, give him a good scare? Yeah, man.

scare

↓

Yeah. Jerk. Get up real close to him.

close jerk real

↓

Hey, asshole. Ooh!

asshole

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

Oh!

↓

Shit! I hit him! I hit him!

↓

You hit him in the back of the head! I didn't mean to.

head

↓

- That is not how I expected that to go at all. - Is he okay?

expected

↓

- Did we kill him? - I don't know. Oh, he's getting up.

kill

↓

He's moving, he's moving. Yeah, he's getting up.

moving

↓

Thank God, dude. God. Should we help him out?

↓

And he's getting something out of his bag. What's he getting?

↓

It's a pipe. It's a pipe? Go, go, go, go, go!

pipe

↓

Go, go, go, go!

↓

What's wrong with your tires? The car's scraping.

cars scraping tires

↓

All right, get back to the bar. Get back to the bar.

↓

Damn it!

↓

Goddamn it! Shit!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

These tires are completely destroyed. Ah, shit!

completely destroyed tires

↓

I'm just gonna pop inside real quick, take a quick squirt.

quick real real-quick squirt

↓

Unbelievable. How about we put a couple of doughnuts on there?

couple doughnuts unbelievable

↓

Oh, right, Frank. We're gonna go to the Grand Canyon on spare tires.

canyon frank grand grand-canyon spare tires

↓

Uh, plus there's a good deal of mountain bike in your axle here, bro.

axle bike deal mountain plus

↓

Seriously, dude? Yeah. We're talking structural damage down there.

damage structural

↓

There's leakage. Things are sparking.

↓

All right. Well, road trip's off. No, no, no, no, no.

road trips

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Road trip's not off. I have a good idea.

idea road trips

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Not bad, right? Nah.

↓

It's kinda nice. Lot of leg room.

kinda room

↓

It's a smooth ride. You guys got a lot of room back there?

ride room smooth

↓

Oh, yeah. We got easy access to the beers too.

access beers easy

↓

I mean, that's a good touch. New car smell.

smell touch

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Mmm. How do you get that in a used car? What is that?

used

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It's a spray. Yeah, it's a spray.

spray

↓

Oh, yeah. It's nice.

↓

I enjoy it, man. I'm glad that they did that. It's nice.

enjoy glad

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I wish that this light would hurry up and change. That's the only thing. Uh-oh!

change hurry light wish

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Hey! Hey, you bastards!

bastards

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You jerks! Hey! Hey! Ah, here we go.

jerks

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Goddamn it! Get out! All right.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

All right, all right, all right. It's my car. I'm driving. Get out!

driving

↓

I got window! Get out!

window

↓

You call window, Frank?

frank window

↓

You jerks! I got window.

jerks window

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You guys are dicks. It took you long enough.

dicks

↓

You were taking forever! Did you still want to go?

forever

↓

Shut up! It's really cramped back here with this cooler.

cooler cramped

↓

Why don't you put the cooler in the trailer?

cooler trailer

↓

Because then, Dee, we're gonna have to pull over every single time we want a beer.

beer pull single

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That new car smell is starting to give me a headache. Dennis, give me a cigarette.

cigarette dennis headache smell starting

↓

You want a cigarette? Yeah.

cigarette

↓

I'm gonna have one too. Do you guys have to smoke in here?

smoke

↓

Yeah- Well, your car reeks, Dee, so-

reeks

↓

God, dude, this thing is so heavy!

heavy

↓

I'm gonna get a blood clot with this thing! Oh, my God!

blood

↓

Why don't you put it in the trailer?

trailer

↓

Why don't I put you in the trailer? Good one, Charlie.

charlie trailer

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That's actually not a bad idea. I wouldn't mind riding back there.

idea mind riding

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There's a hell of a lot more room. I'm done with that.

room

↓

Oh, come on!

↓

Oh, it's in my- Get it! You're gonna burn a hole in the new upholstery!

burn hole

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It's not new upholstery. What makes you think it's new upholstery?

makes

↓

Did you get it? Oh, yeah!

↓

This sucks! Deandra, pull over. This is terrible.

deandra pull sucks

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I wanna go in the back with Dennis. Yeah.

dennis

↓

You guys ride in back, and we'll- Yeah. We'll go in the back.

ride

↓

Mmm. This is more like it, huh, Frank?

frank

↓

Got a lot of room back here.

room

↓

It's muggy back here. Muggy. My glands are starting to swell up.

glands starting swell

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Yeah. Well, maybe we crack that door a little bit.

crack door

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What? And go flying out at the first corner? I don't think so, buddy.

buddy corner flying

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Well, just to crack it- just a little bit.

crack

↓

- You want to crack it? - Yeah, we'll crack it.

crack

↓

- Crack it. - Whoa. It's hard to stand up back here.

crack hard stand whoa

↓

Furniture is what we need. We'll pick some up at the Italian market.

furniture italian italian-market market pick

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When's the last time you saw furniture in an Italian market?

furniture italian italian-market market whens

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Those people will sell you anything. They'll sell you their children. They don't care.

care children sell

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- Provolone and salami. - They sell everything at the Italian market.

italian italian-market market sell

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These people are like descendants of Gypsies.

↓

They come in. They sell their shit. They bang each other.

bang sell

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I don't know what they do, but you get to haggle with them. It's a lot of fun.

fun

↓

- In the meantime, I'll prop this beer bottle under the door. - All right.

beer beer-bottle bottle door meantime prop

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That's good. Yeah.

↓

Uh- There we go.

↓

Perfect. Now, the weight of the door will keep the beer bottle in place.

beer beer-bottle bottle door perfect place weight

↓

Good.

↓

Nice, huh? Move over a little bit. Let me sit on the cooler.

cooler

↓

Goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

All right, now this I can get into. You know? A little space back here.

space

↓

You guys want to listen to some tunes? Got some CDs from Dennis here.

dennis tunes

↓

Hate to break it to you, but there's no CD player in here. Are you shitting me?

break hate player shitting

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No. Why would you buy a car with no CD player?

player

↓

Because the guy knocked 50 bucks off. So you had the option?

bucks knocked option

↓

Yeah, I had the option! Oh, my God! And you went with the tape deck?

deck option tape

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Yes, I did, Charlie! That is so cheap, Dee!

charlie cheap

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You're cheap! Why did you buy this crappy little car in the first place?

cheap crappy place

↓

Because you guys rammed my last one into a wall! That's why.

wall

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Whatever. What tapes do you have?

tapes

↓

Tapes? Who has tapes anymore?

anymore tapes

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I would've thought that you would've at least made a mix for the road trip.

least road road-trip trip wouldve

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You didn't invite me on your road trip!

invite road road-trip trip

↓

You don't keep a good mix tape in your car?

tape

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I just bought the car this morning, Charlie! Okay! All right!

bought charlie morning morning-charlie

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Are you going to yell the whole way there, Dee? Jesus Christ.

christ jesus jesus-christ whole yell

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Just shut up and turn the radio on. Yeah, put the radio on.

radio

↓

Just turn the radio on!

radio

↓

Find a station. I'm trying.

station

↓

The antenna is probably broken on this piece of shit car! It's static. Find a station.

broken piece static station

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You're a piece of shit... car. Wait a second.

piece second

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There's a tape right down here, I think. You got a tape?

tape

↓

Yeah, it's under the seat. Give it to me. Gimme.

seat

↓

It's jammed in the corner of the seat. Give it to me.

corner jammed seat

↓

I'm trying to give it- Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme,

↓

There we go. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme...

↓

Calm down, dude.

calm

↓

## Inner peace...

inner peace

↓

Oh, man.

↓

Is an attainable goal.

goal

↓

The first step is releasing the anger and aggression...

aggression anger releasing step

↓

that one holds inside. Pop it out, right?

holds

↓

Yeah. Quickly.

quickly

↓

All right, I'm gonna run to the ladies' room for two seconds.

ladies ladies-room room seconds

↓

I'm gonna take my keys in case you jerks try anything. Really?

case jerks keys

↓

All right, Charlie. Get ready to scratch two things off of your bucket list.

bucket bucket-list charlie list ready scratch

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Oh, I don't have a bucket list, dude, 'cause I'm not dying.

bucket bucket-list dying list

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Everybody's dying, bitch. Let's get you some fruit.

bitch dying everybodys fruit

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Guys, we're gonna go grab some furniture to throw in the back.

furniture grab throw

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Ten minutes. That's all. And we meet back here.

meet minutes

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Well, yeah. But get a good deal. I mean, talk to the guy. Barter.

barter deal

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There's no rush, right? Ten. Ten minutes.

minutes rush

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Have fun, man. Have fun. Uh, I've never had a strawberry either.

fun strawberry

↓

That's astounding.

↓

Oh, Charlie, I'm excited for you, bro.

charlie excited

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Hey! Pears.

↓

Nice! Yes. One of nature's most delectable fruits.

natures

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Mmm. Mm-hmm. Excuse me, sir.

excuse

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How much for this? Those are 50 cents.

cents

↓

Well, I won't pay full price. So I'll give you a dime.

dime full full-price price

↓

They're 50 cents, buddy. Very well. I'll drop you a quarter.

buddy cents drop quarter

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No. Okay. Thirty-five cents.

cents five thirty

↓

I don't have time for this friggin' shit. Give me the 35.

friggin

↓

Hey, yeah! Nice, man.

↓

I talked you down. Good barter.

barter talked

↓

There you go. Good barter.

barter

↓

All right, Bozo. Thank you.

bozo

↓

I'm calling a lot of people Bozo now. It's like my new thing. Dude.

bozo calling

↓

Chomp into it. Yeah. Just bite it?

bite

↓

Okay. Like a piece of fruit. You would bite into it...

bite fruit piece

↓

Tastes like sand.

sand tastes

↓

Like sand?

sand

↓

Oh, that- that pear's not ripe, dude.

ripe

↓

Ah. He burned us. Gypsy son of a bitch burned us.

bitch burned gypsy

↓

Excuse me, sir? What are you doing to my friend, Bozo?

bozo excuse friend

↓

You burned us. It's dry. You picked it out.

burned picked

↓

Well, let's not get into a whole "who picked out what. " I want my 35 cents back.

cents picked whole

↓

- Charlie, give him the pear. - I can't. I just ate it.

charlie pear

↓

The whole thing? Yeah. It was pretty gross.

gross whole

↓

The stem and then- and the core?

core stem

↓

You didn't tell me not to eat the stem, dude!

stem

↓

Did you eat the stickers that are all over it? Yeah, it was gross!

gross stickers

↓

Of course it's gross! It's a sticker, bro!

course gross sticker

↓

I eat stickers all the time, dude! Oh, my God.

stickers

↓

This whole thing is a disaster. I'm going back to the car.

disaster whole

↓

Come on. Let's go. I don't know. They got a lot of good stuff here.

stuff

↓

I like the rocking chair. Very nice.

chair rocking

↓

But I do like those wicker chairs. They might be more forgiving on my bottom.

bottom chairs forgiving might wicker wicker-chairs

↓

Good. It's a tough decision though. I don't know.

decision tough

↓

Well, make one, Den. Make one, please. Make a decision?

decision

↓

Um, sir? Hi. We're interested in these wicker chairs,

chairs interested wicker wicker-chairs

↓

but we're totally unwilling to pay full price for them, so...

full full-price price

↓

You're gonna barter with the guy? Yeah.

barter

↓

We're not gonna barter with him. We're not bartering. We'll pay full price.

barter full full-price price

↓

Get the wicker chairs. No, no, no, no, no. Frank.

chairs frank wicker wicker-chairs

↓

Come on. The Gypsy wants to barter. Let's barter with him.

barter gypsy wants

↓

We don't have time to barter. All right. We'll pay full price for...

barter full full-price price

↓

Whoa. Is that a French press?

french press whoa

↓

Sir, how much for that fine-looking French press?

french looking press

↓

We don't need a French press, Dennis.

dennis french press

↓

What, do you expect me to drink gas station coffee all the way to the Grand Canyon?

canyon coffee drink expect grand grand-canyon station

↓

I don't think so, asshole. Sir, the man will pay full price for the French press,

asshole french full full-price press price

↓

or I will, however, be willing to barter with you for a very long time.

barter willing

↓

- Full price. - Great!

full full-price price

↓

Hey, you guys seen anybody selling cassette tapes?

anybody cassette seen seen-anybody selling tapes

↓

Deandra, what the hell are you doing? What are you drinking?

deandra drinking

↓

It's an energy drink. You guys are drinking beer. I gotta tweak on something.

beer drink drinking drinking-beer energy tweak

↓

You're gonna be pissing every 15 feet. Nah!

feet pissing

↓

I know what I'm doing. I'm buying you a piss jar. Ooh!

buying piss

↓

Hold on a second. I think I see some tapes down there.

second tapes

↓

I'm gonna go barter with that guy. Barter with the Gypsy.

barter gypsy

↓

Dude, I'm telling you, it's black to yellow. And no one ever uses...

black telling uses yellow

↓

Black to yellow? No, dude. It's blue to something. You never let me do this, okay?

black blue yellow

↓

And hurry up, man. It's blue to something.

blue hurry

↓

Just use the black to yellow, and the car will start. Oh, shit!

black start yellow

↓

You guys, check it out. I found this Soul Asylum tape,

asylum check found soul tape

↓

and I totally talked the guy down to, like, half the asking price.

asking half price talked

↓

Yeah. Oh, goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

Yeah. There was a bunch of wires hanging down,

bunch hanging wires

↓

and I was trying to put them back up into- Shut up! Just shut up!

↓

Here's your piss jar.

piss

↓

Yo, Frank, I'm gonna hop in the back with Dennis. You want to switch with me?

dennis frank switch

↓

Switch-ola? They're gonna argue the whole way. I don't wanna listen to it.

argue switch whole

↓

No, I don't like it in there anyway. All right.

↓

- Hey, you want a cup of joe, my man? - Oh, yeah, definitely, dude.

↓

I got a pipin'-hot one ready for you right now. Hook me up, bro.

hook ready

↓

Hook me up! All right.

hook

↓

That's a pretty sweet duct tape rig you got going on the door, man.

door duct duct-tape sweet tape

↓

You like that? Taped the chairs down too, so they don't slide any.

chairs slide taped

↓

I know, but you stopped at the grill, and that's got me confused.

confused grill stopped

↓

- Ran out of tape actually. - Oh, right. It's not gonna slide through the crack?

crack slide tape

↓

It won't because I measured the crack, and the crack is smaller than the height of the grill.

crack grill height smaller

↓

- We are all hooked up here, dude. - Mmm.

hooked

↓

Now, are you nervous at all about leaving Philly? Like, is anything bad gonna happen?

happen leaving nervous philly

↓

I don't think so, man. I'm excited about it.

excited

↓

I've just never been outside of Philly. I don't know what people are like.

philly

↓

- Well, people are people. - Nobody's gonna be, like, a dick?

dick nobodys

↓

There are probably gonna be some dicks out there. Yeah, sure.

dicks

↓

But I'll be there. I'll back you up, man. Hey, thanks, man.

thanks

↓

I tell you what will help. Shotgun a beer? That'll calm my nerves.

beer calm nerves shotgun thatll

↓

It sure will. Let's do that.

↓

I'm bored. Yeah.

bored

↓

Let's play a drinking game. Name all 50 states. Drink while you think.

drink drinking game name states

↓

That's gonna suck. I'm not drinking.

drinking suck

↓

Frank, will you drive for a little bit? I've been drinking all day.

drinking drive frank

↓

Fine. Uh, go. Maine.

maine

↓

Uh, New Hampshire. Vermont.

vermont

↓

Philly. North Virginia.

north philly virginia

↓

South Virginia. East Virginia.

east south virginia

↓

Uh, South Virginia. Did I say that already? Yes.

south virginia

↓

Are you guys shitting me? Shit. All right. Start over.

shitting start

↓

No, I'm not gonna start over. I was right. The game sucks.

game start sucks

↓

It's the drinking that's the amusing part.

amusing drinking part

↓

I got an idea.

idea

↓

Georgia. That's six.

georgia

↓

Oh. I was gonna- No.

↓

Jesus Christ.

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

You guys are gonna be hammered before I'm finished naming the East Coast.

coast east east-coast finished hammered naming

↓

Bro, I gotta cook up some hot dogs, man. All right.

cook dogs

↓

I got a proposition for you, man. Check this out.

check proposition

↓

What do you say we smash these wicker chairs to bits,

bits chairs smash wicker wicker-chairs

↓

put them in the middle of the U-Haul- which is metal...

haul metal middle

↓

and we burn the wicker chairs and cook the hot dogs on that?

burn chairs cook dogs wicker wicker-chairs

↓

What do you mean? Cook the hot dogs over the fire?

cook dogs fire

↓

And then we'll get some new wicker chairs next time we're at a Gypsy hangout spot.

chairs gypsy spot wicker wicker-chairs

↓

Okay. You think we're gonna be going to a lot of those?

↓

'Cause I feel like I already dodged a bullet once today. What do you mean?

bullet dodged today

↓

Well, I mean, you know, Gypsies- I don't want anyone shrinking my head and shit.

head shrinking

↓

Yeah. Yeah. Well, first of all,

↓

it was not Gypsies ever that did that.

↓

That's sort of a witch doctor thing.

doctor witch

↓

But either way, neither one of them can shrink heads.

heads shrink

↓

Let's burn the chairs. All right. A couple hot dogs will calm me down.

burn calm chairs couple dogs

↓

Thanks for driving. I really appreciate the ride.

appreciate driving ride thanks

↓

Yeah.

↓

So you're headed to Hollywood, huh?

headed hollywood

↓

Yeah.

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Oh, my God. You're running away from home, aren't you?

home running

↓

Um, yeah, maybe. Kinda.

kinda

↓

Oh, no, no, no.

↓

Sweet baby, they are gonna eat you alive in Hollywood.

alive baby hollywood sweet sweet-baby

↓

Oh, you're definitely gonna end up doing gay porn...

porn

↓

with this tiny little body of yours. No.

body tiny

↓

Oh, man, kid.

↓

I'll be fine.

↓

I've actually got an uncle out there that's...

uncle

↓

Shh.

↓

I got something you need to hear about.

↓

Hold on a second.

second

↓

# Just easier than dealin' with the pain #

easier pain

↓

# Runaway train never comin' back #

comin runaway train

↓

# Wrong way on a one-way track #.

track

↓

Right. I've actually got this uncle out there that said that...

uncle

↓

# Seems like I'm neither here nor there #

seems

↓

# Runaway train tearin' up the- the track #

runaway track train

↓

# Runaway train tearin' up the track #

runaway track train

↓

## Shit.

↓

What is that?

↓

Is that piss? Is that piss?

piss

↓

Pull over! You might as well pull over. He's just gonna keep yelling.

might pull yelling

↓

Pull over, you little dick!

dick pull

↓

Stop the car!

↓

Piss! You know what?

piss

↓

Jesus Christ, Dee! I'm covered in piss!

christ covered jesus jesus-christ piss

↓

Well, maybe you shouldn't have had your window down!

window

↓

Maybe you shouldn't be throwing jars of pee out the window!

jars throwing window

↓

Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. It's up for debate. You shouldn't!

debate

↓

Hey, what the hell is that?

↓

Oh!

↓

Oh! Oh.

↓

Holy shit!

holy

↓

Damn. It's dark, and we haven't even left Philly yet.

dark left philly

↓

I'm so sorry, dude. I don't know what happened, man.

happened

↓

It's like, we lit the chairs, and there must've been a glaze on the wicker or something.

chairs glaze mustve wicker

↓

Yeah. 'Cause, like, we passed out instantly.

instantly passed

↓

- Some sort of a poison glaze. - What are we, 20 minutes away from the bar?

glaze minutes poison

↓

Yeah, we're close. I use this gas station all the time.

close station

↓

Sorry. Took a little longer than I thought. There was a line for the bathroom.

bathroom line longer

↓

Hey-oh! Check out this couch I found by the Dumpster.

check couch dumpster found

↓

Toss it in. Nice. Got it, buddy.

buddy toss

↓

Wait. What's the plan here? You guys are still gonna ride in the back?

plan ride

↓

Oh, yeah. I sure as shit am, dude.

↓

You're not gonna get the smell of piss out of that car for weeks.

piss smell weeks

↓

Yeah, it's pretty bad. I'm in. Me too.

↓

You guys getting in too? All right, let's do it.

↓

All right, whatever.

↓

Have fun in the death trap!

death fun trap

↓

I guess I'm riding with you, bro.

riding

↓

Hey, you're not gonna sing to me, are you?

sing

↓

I might.

might

↓

All right.

↓

Hey, you know, Dee, I didn't want to say anything back there,

↓

'cause I didn't want to be rude to the kid,

rude

↓

but you really gotta be careful just picking up hitchhikers.

careful picking

↓

I know. But that kid was, like, really young and sweet and innocent-looking.

innocent looking sweet young

↓

Right. But those are the ones you gotta watch out for.

ones watch

↓

Those are the most dangerous hitchhikers...

dangerous

↓

the ones that lure you into thinking they're sane by acting like normal people.

acting lure normal ones sane thinking

↓

They act like they're normal and then they carve you up.

carve normal

↓

No way. Wasn't gonna happen. I had my eyes on him the whole time.

eyes happen whole

↓

See, I've always got an "A," "B" and a "C" strike plan...

plan strike

↓

to get us out of any potentially life-threatening situation.

life life-threatening potentially situation threatening

↓

Yeah. He probably just carved up his mother and father,

carved father mother

↓

and he's running away on the road. That's right.

road running

↓

Could be, Frank. All I'm saying is that I'm ready for any situation.

frank ready situation

↓

- And that's why you're all safe as long as I'm around. - Uh-huh.

safe

↓

Yeah. I did an ocular pat-down and I cleared him.

cleared ocular

↓

Say what? I'm sorry?

↓

I'm saying that I did an ocular assessment of the situation,

ocular situation

↓

garnered that he was not a security risk, and I cleared him for passage.

cleared passage risk security

↓

"Ocular pat-down"!

ocular

↓

What in the hell are you talking about?

↓

I'm talking about breaking down the security situation,

breaking security situation

↓

clearing an individual and making it safe for passage.

clearing individual passage safe

↓

Well, how exactly do you view yourself within the context of our group?

context group view

↓

The sheriff of Paddy's.

paddys sheriff

↓

Well, I can't have this conversation right now.

conversation

↓

The sheriff of Paddy's? Can you move?

paddys sheriff

↓

I want to unfold this thing. I'm gonna pass out.

pass

↓

Got a long trip ahead of us. Careful.

ahead careful trip

↓

I got it.

↓

I got it.

↓

Aah! Aah!

↓

Get off me, dude!

↓

Are we moving?

moving

↓

I think we're stopped. Dee, what time is it? What?

stopped

↓

Hmm?

↓

7:00 a.m. 7:00 a.m.? Shit, we've been driving all night.

driving night

↓

We're not moving, are we? No.

moving

↓

Whoa. Shit. You think we're, like, halfway there?

halfway whoa

↓

Where do you think we are? I wonder how far we got.

wonder

↓

I wonder if we're like...

wonder

↓

What the hell is this?

↓

- Oh, are we back at Paddy's? - Wait. Where the hell is my car?

paddys

↓

Oh, goddamn!

goddamn

↓

Shit balls! What's going on?

balls

↓

Hey, you guys are back!

↓

- How was the Grand Canyon? - What the hell happened to my car, Charlie?

canyon charlie grand grand-canyon happened

↓

I don't know. Last thing I remember, uh, we were at the gas station.

remember station

↓

And then you guys hopped in back, and I hopped in front with the hitchhiker.

front hopped

↓

Then I got freaked out about leaving Philly, so I asked him if he'd drop me off back here.

asked drop freaked leaving philly

↓

And he said he'd take you guys to the Grand Canyon, and then I drank all night and passed out.

canyon drank grand grand-canyon night passed

↓

And then you guys were getting here now, so I figured- Did you go and come back?

figured

↓

He didn't take us to the Grand Canyon.

canyon grand grand-canyon

↓

He detached the trailer and stole my car!

detached stole trailer

↓

Really? Yeah!

↓

The weird thing is that Mac had already cleared him as a security risk.

cleared risk security weird

↓

Did an ocular pat-down on him. Amazing, right?

amazing ocular

↓

- You cleared him, Mac? - I cleared him.

cleared

↓

Goddamn it! I thought he was clear!

clear goddamn goddamn-it

↓

He wasn't clear! I'm calling the cops. He was clear.

calling clear cops

↓

I thought Mac cleared him. I didn't think there'd be a problem.

cleared problem thered

↓

I don't know how- I kinda had a good time on the trip.

kinda trip

↓

Looking on the bright side of things. All right?

bright bright-side looking side

↓

Let's drink some beers, man. I'm hungover as shit. Absolutely, man.

absolutely beers drink hungover

↓

- Little hair of the dog. - That was the closest I ever got to being out of Philly, man.

closest hair philly

↓

All right, cheers. Cheers, you guys.

cheers

↓

Texas. Oops. State game?

game oops state texas

↓

Ohio. Rhode Island.

island ohio rhode rhode-island

↓

Nice. Uh, Detroit.

detroit

↓

Nope. That's not a state. Drink.

drink nope state

↓

Milwaukee! Jesus H. Christ.

christ jesus milwaukee

↓

ENGLISH - US - PSDH

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