Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S05E02 — The Gang Hits the Road

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5, Episode 2 — The Gang Hits the Road

You gotta be careful of the wire, Charlie.

#1

⇓

I'm not gonna pinch the wire. I know what I'm doing.

#2

⇓

'Cause then the brake lights don't work. I know what I'm doing.

#3

⇓

Make sure it's on tight. It's on as tight as it's gonna get!

#4

⇓

Okay. All right. It's on good and tight.

#5

⇓

Hey, Dennis, I think we should get, like, a G.P.S. System,

#6

⇓

'cause these maps are from, like, the '70s, dude. G.P.S. System? Oh, hell, no!

#7

⇓

No? That's gonna ruin the road trip experience.

#8

⇓

We gotta go do this old school, baby. Maps, fresh cigarettes, fresh coffee,

#9

⇓

cooking out on the grill, sleeping in sleeping bags. Old school.

#10

⇓

Old school, baby! I'm into that!

#11

⇓

Campfire. Let's do old school!

#12

⇓

Old school, yeah! Oh, shit.

#13

⇓

- Oh, shit. - Who is that? That Sweet Dee?

#14

⇓

That's Dee. That's Sweet Dee.

#15

⇓

Oh, goddamn it. What is that car?

#16

⇓

What is she doing here? What car is that?

#17

⇓

Ah, shit. Okay, don't- don't- Just don't say anything.

#18

⇓

Hey, guys. What's with the trailer? Hey.

#19

⇓

None of your business. What are you doing here so early?

#20

⇓

- Why are you at work early? - I woke up early this morning and went and bought a new car.

#21

⇓

It's pretty sweet. Where you guys going?

#22

⇓

- We're going to the Grand Canyon. - Goddamn it, Frank!

#23

⇓

- Really? - Frank wants to see it before he dies, so...

#24

⇓

Yeah, what happened was he told us about a road trip. We got all excited.

#25

⇓

We got up super early and we packed the car...

#26

⇓

- and were hoping to get out of here before your bus arrived. - You were just gonna ditch me?

#27

⇓

Nah, it's cool. I'm gonna stick around.

#28

⇓

Yeah. Charlie's too scared. Yeah. He's never left Philly before.

#29

⇓

I'm not scared! I just haven't left Philly.

#30

⇓

Why leave Philly, you know? He's frightened.

#31

⇓

- I want to go. - No, you're not going.

#32

⇓

You can't come 'cause it'll take forever.

#33

⇓

Yeah, and you're gonna have to pee every five minutes. It's gonna be stupid.

#34

⇓

I'm not gonna get stuck behind with Charlie.

#35

⇓

Wait a second! If you go, I'm gonna be all by myself in the bar.

#36

⇓

That's messed up, guys. I mean, that's more change than, like, even if I went.

#37

⇓

- You know what? Maybe I should go. - Great. We're all in.

#38

⇓

It's gonna be packed in the car! No, we're not all in.

#39

⇓

- Yeah, we're going. - We're going on a road trip, baby!

#40

⇓

Why did you have to buy a new car today of all days?

#41

⇓

I'll go get my stuff.

#42

⇓

I can't believe you've never been out of Philly, Charlie.

#43

⇓

Yeah, man. What the hell? I've never done a lot of things.

#44

⇓

What else have you not done, bro? Uh, I've never eaten a pear.

#45

⇓

What? How is that possible? Seriously.

#46

⇓

Really? Pears weird me out, dude. Where do you start with a pear?

#47

⇓

The top, the bottom? What do you mean, where do you start?

#48

⇓

Just bite into it. It's a fruit. You just start it.

#49

⇓

Really? You just bite it? It's a weird-looking thing.

#50

⇓

Okay, you know what? Pull over. I'm getting this kid a pear.

#51

⇓

No, no. No pulling over! We've got a schedule. Yeah, no, no.

#52

⇓

I would love to take a quick leak. Are you serious?

#53

⇓

Oh, Deandra! We just left!

#54

⇓

That's what I was worried about.

#55

⇓

And it can't just be any pear, dude. It's gotta be a fresh one.

#56

⇓

Let's go to the Italian market. Oh, okay.

#57

⇓

Hey-oh! The Italian market is way out of our way.

#58

⇓

Nah. Dennis, do you have to smoke?

#59

⇓

It's coming right back in through my window.

#60

⇓

Roll your window up then, Dee, 'cause I'm a-smoking.

#61

⇓

The window needs to be down for the fresh air.

#62

⇓

Hey, I've never had blueberries either. What?

#63

⇓

What are you talking about? That's crazy!

#64

⇓

That is completely insane. We're definitely going to the Italian market.

#65

⇓

Dennis, let's go. You believe this guy? Jesus!

#66

⇓

- What guy? - Guy on the bike.

#67

⇓

He's taking up the whole goddamn road.

#68

⇓

Ride on the sidewalk if you're gonna ride a bike, asshole!

#69

⇓

What was that?

#70

⇓

He flicked you off, dude. Is that what that was?

#71

⇓

He flicked you off, man. Son of a bitch.

#72

⇓

Real chip on his shoulder, huh? You wanna egg him?

#73

⇓

Yeah, I wanna egg him. You got eggs?

#74

⇓

No. That would have been good though. That would've been good, man.

#75

⇓

You know what? I'm gonna fire a beer across his bow. Ruffle his feathers.

#76

⇓

Yeah, give him a good scare? Yeah, man.

#77

⇓

Yeah. Jerk. Get up real close to him.

#78

⇓

Hey, asshole. Ooh!

#79

⇓

Oh, shit!

#80

⇓

Oh!

#81

⇓

Shit! I hit him! I hit him!

#82

⇓

You hit him in the back of the head! I didn't mean to.

#83

⇓

- That is not how I expected that to go at all. - Is he okay?

#84

⇓

- Did we kill him? - I don't know. Oh, he's getting up.

#85

⇓

He's moving, he's moving. Yeah, he's getting up.

#86

⇓

Thank God, dude. God. Should we help him out?

#87

⇓

And he's getting something out of his bag. What's he getting?

#88

⇓

It's a pipe. It's a pipe? Go, go, go, go, go!

#89

⇓

Go, go, go, go!

#90

⇓

What's wrong with your tires? The car's scraping.

#91

⇓

All right, get back to the bar. Get back to the bar.

#92

⇓

Damn it!

#93

⇓

Goddamn it! Shit!

#94

⇓

These tires are completely destroyed. Ah, shit!

#95

⇓

I'm just gonna pop inside real quick, take a quick squirt.

#96

⇓

Unbelievable. How about we put a couple of doughnuts on there?

#97

⇓

Oh, right, Frank. We're gonna go to the Grand Canyon on spare tires.

#98

⇓

Uh, plus there's a good deal of mountain bike in your axle here, bro.

#99

⇓

Seriously, dude? Yeah. We're talking structural damage down there.

#100

⇓

There's leakage. Things are sparking.

#101

⇓

All right. Well, road trip's off. No, no, no, no, no.

#102

⇓

Road trip's not off. I have a good idea.

#103

⇓

Not bad, right? Nah.

#104

⇓

It's kinda nice. Lot of leg room.

#105

⇓

It's a smooth ride. You guys got a lot of room back there?

#106

⇓

Oh, yeah. We got easy access to the beers too.

#107

⇓

I mean, that's a good touch. New car smell.

#108

⇓

Mmm. How do you get that in a used car? What is that?

#109

⇓

It's a spray. Yeah, it's a spray.

#110

⇓

Oh, yeah. It's nice.

#111

⇓

I enjoy it, man. I'm glad that they did that. It's nice.

#112

⇓

I wish that this light would hurry up and change. That's the only thing. Uh-oh!

#113

⇓

Hey! Hey, you bastards!

#114

⇓

You jerks! Hey! Hey! Ah, here we go.

#115

⇓

Goddamn it! Get out! All right.

#116

⇓

All right, all right, all right. It's my car. I'm driving. Get out!

#117

⇓

I got window! Get out!

#118

⇓

You call window, Frank?

#119

⇓

You jerks! I got window.

#120

⇓

You guys are dicks. It took you long enough.

#121

⇓

You were taking forever! Did you still want to go?

#122

⇓

Shut up! It's really cramped back here with this cooler.

#123

⇓

Why don't you put the cooler in the trailer?

#124

⇓

Because then, Dee, we're gonna have to pull over every single time we want a beer.

#125

⇓

That new car smell is starting to give me a headache. Dennis, give me a cigarette.

#126

⇓

You want a cigarette? Yeah.

#127

⇓

I'm gonna have one too. Do you guys have to smoke in here?

#128

⇓

Yeah- Well, your car reeks, Dee, so-

#129

⇓

God, dude, this thing is so heavy!

#130

⇓

I'm gonna get a blood clot with this thing! Oh, my God!

#131

⇓

Why don't you put it in the trailer?

#132

⇓

Why don't I put you in the trailer? Good one, Charlie.

#133

⇓

That's actually not a bad idea. I wouldn't mind riding back there.

#134

⇓

There's a hell of a lot more room. I'm done with that.

#135

⇓

Oh, come on!

#136

⇓

Oh, it's in my- Get it! You're gonna burn a hole in the new upholstery!

#137

⇓

It's not new upholstery. What makes you think it's new upholstery?

#138

⇓

Did you get it? Oh, yeah!

#139

⇓

This sucks! Deandra, pull over. This is terrible.

#140

⇓

I wanna go in the back with Dennis. Yeah.

#141

⇓

You guys ride in back, and we'll- Yeah. We'll go in the back.

#142

⇓

Mmm. This is more like it, huh, Frank?

#143

⇓

Got a lot of room back here.

#144

⇓

It's muggy back here. Muggy. My glands are starting to swell up.

#145

⇓

Yeah. Well, maybe we crack that door a little bit.

#146

⇓

What? And go flying out at the first corner? I don't think so, buddy.

#147

⇓

Well, just to crack it- just a little bit.

#148

⇓

- You want to crack it? - Yeah, we'll crack it.

#149

⇓

- Crack it. - Whoa. It's hard to stand up back here.

#150

⇓

Furniture is what we need. We'll pick some up at the Italian market.

#151

⇓

When's the last time you saw furniture in an Italian market?

#152

⇓

Those people will sell you anything. They'll sell you their children. They don't care.

#153

⇓

- Provolone and salami. - They sell everything at the Italian market.

#154

⇓

These people are like descendants of Gypsies.

#155

⇓

They come in. They sell their shit. They bang each other.

#156

⇓

I don't know what they do, but you get to haggle with them. It's a lot of fun.

#157

⇓

- In the meantime, I'll prop this beer bottle under the door. - All right.

#158

⇓

That's good. Yeah.

#159

⇓

Uh- There we go.

#160

⇓

Perfect. Now, the weight of the door will keep the beer bottle in place.

#161

⇓

Good.

#162

⇓

Nice, huh? Move over a little bit. Let me sit on the cooler.

#163

⇓

Goddamn it!

#164

⇓

All right, now this I can get into. You know? A little space back here.

#165

⇓

You guys want to listen to some tunes? Got some CDs from Dennis here.

#166

⇓

Hate to break it to you, but there's no CD player in here. Are you shitting me?

#167

⇓

No. Why would you buy a car with no CD player?

#168

⇓

Because the guy knocked 50 bucks off. So you had the option?

#169

⇓

Yeah, I had the option! Oh, my God! And you went with the tape deck?

#170

⇓

Yes, I did, Charlie! That is so cheap, Dee!

#171

⇓

You're cheap! Why did you buy this crappy little car in the first place?

#172

⇓

Because you guys rammed my last one into a wall! That's why.

#173

⇓

Whatever. What tapes do you have?

#174

⇓

Tapes? Who has tapes anymore?

#175

⇓

I would've thought that you would've at least made a mix for the road trip.

#176

⇓

You didn't invite me on your road trip!

#177

⇓

You don't keep a good mix tape in your car?

#178

⇓

I just bought the car this morning, Charlie! Okay! All right!

#179

⇓

Are you going to yell the whole way there, Dee? Jesus Christ.

#180

⇓

Just shut up and turn the radio on. Yeah, put the radio on.

#181

⇓

Just turn the radio on!

#182

⇓

Find a station. I'm trying.

#183

⇓

The antenna is probably broken on this piece of shit car! It's static. Find a station.

#184

⇓

You're a piece of shit... car. Wait a second.

#185

⇓

There's a tape right down here, I think. You got a tape?

#186

⇓

Yeah, it's under the seat. Give it to me. Gimme.

#187

⇓

It's jammed in the corner of the seat. Give it to me.

#188

⇓

I'm trying to give it- Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme,

#189

⇓

There we go. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme...

#190

⇓

Calm down, dude.

#191

⇓

## Inner peace...

#192

⇓

Oh, man.

#193

⇓

Is an attainable goal.

#194

⇓

The first step is releasing the anger and aggression...

#195

⇓

that one holds inside. Pop it out, right?

#196

⇓

Yeah. Quickly.

#197

⇓

All right, I'm gonna run to the ladies' room for two seconds.

#198

⇓

I'm gonna take my keys in case you jerks try anything. Really?

#199

⇓

All right, Charlie. Get ready to scratch two things off of your bucket list.

#200

⇓

Oh, I don't have a bucket list, dude, 'cause I'm not dying.

#201

⇓

Everybody's dying, bitch. Let's get you some fruit.

#202

⇓

Guys, we're gonna go grab some furniture to throw in the back.

#203

⇓

Ten minutes. That's all. And we meet back here.

#204

⇓

Well, yeah. But get a good deal. I mean, talk to the guy. Barter.

#205

⇓

There's no rush, right? Ten. Ten minutes.

#206

⇓

Have fun, man. Have fun. Uh, I've never had a strawberry either.

#207

⇓

That's astounding.

#208

⇓

Oh, Charlie, I'm excited for you, bro.

#209

⇓

Hey! Pears.

#210

⇓

Nice! Yes. One of nature's most delectable fruits.

#211

⇓

Mmm. Mm-hmm. Excuse me, sir.

#212

⇓

How much for this? Those are 50 cents.

#213

⇓

Well, I won't pay full price. So I'll give you a dime.

#214

⇓

They're 50 cents, buddy. Very well. I'll drop you a quarter.

#215

⇓

No. Okay. Thirty-five cents.

#216

⇓

I don't have time for this friggin' shit. Give me the 35.

#217

⇓

Hey, yeah! Nice, man.

#218

⇓

I talked you down. Good barter.

#219

⇓

There you go. Good barter.

#220

⇓

All right, Bozo. Thank you.

#221

⇓

I'm calling a lot of people Bozo now. It's like my new thing. Dude.

#222

⇓

Chomp into it. Yeah. Just bite it?

#223

⇓

Okay. Like a piece of fruit. You would bite into it...

#224

⇓

Tastes like sand.

#225

⇓

Like sand?

#226

⇓

Oh, that- that pear's not ripe, dude.

#227

⇓

Ah. He burned us. Gypsy son of a bitch burned us.

#228

⇓

Excuse me, sir? What are you doing to my friend, Bozo?

#229

⇓

You burned us. It's dry. You picked it out.

#230

⇓

Well, let's not get into a whole "who picked out what. " I want my 35 cents back.

#231

⇓

- Charlie, give him the pear. - I can't. I just ate it.

#232

⇓

The whole thing? Yeah. It was pretty gross.

#233

⇓

The stem and then- and the core?

#234

⇓

You didn't tell me not to eat the stem, dude!

#235

⇓

Did you eat the stickers that are all over it? Yeah, it was gross!

#236

⇓

Of course it's gross! It's a sticker, bro!

#237

⇓

I eat stickers all the time, dude! Oh, my God.

#238

⇓

This whole thing is a disaster. I'm going back to the car.

#239

⇓

Come on. Let's go. I don't know. They got a lot of good stuff here.

#240

⇓

I like the rocking chair. Very nice.

#241

⇓

But I do like those wicker chairs. They might be more forgiving on my bottom.

#242

⇓

Good. It's a tough decision though. I don't know.

#243

⇓

Well, make one, Den. Make one, please. Make a decision?

#244

⇓

Um, sir? Hi. We're interested in these wicker chairs,

#245

⇓

but we're totally unwilling to pay full price for them, so...

#246

⇓

You're gonna barter with the guy? Yeah.

#247

⇓

We're not gonna barter with him. We're not bartering. We'll pay full price.

#248

⇓

Get the wicker chairs. No, no, no, no, no. Frank.

#249

⇓

Come on. The Gypsy wants to barter. Let's barter with him.

#250

⇓

We don't have time to barter. All right. We'll pay full price for...

#251

⇓

Whoa. Is that a French press?

#252

⇓

Sir, how much for that fine-looking French press?

#253

⇓

We don't need a French press, Dennis.

#254

⇓

What, do you expect me to drink gas station coffee all the way to the Grand Canyon?

#255

⇓

I don't think so, asshole. Sir, the man will pay full price for the French press,

#256

⇓

or I will, however, be willing to barter with you for a very long time.

#257

⇓

- Full price. - Great!

#258

⇓

Hey, you guys seen anybody selling cassette tapes?

#259

⇓

Deandra, what the hell are you doing? What are you drinking?

#260

⇓

It's an energy drink. You guys are drinking beer. I gotta tweak on something.

#261

⇓

You're gonna be pissing every 15 feet. Nah!

#262

⇓

I know what I'm doing. I'm buying you a piss jar. Ooh!

#263

⇓

Hold on a second. I think I see some tapes down there.

#264

⇓

I'm gonna go barter with that guy. Barter with the Gypsy.

#265

⇓

Dude, I'm telling you, it's black to yellow. And no one ever uses...

#266

⇓

Black to yellow? No, dude. It's blue to something. You never let me do this, okay?

#267

⇓

And hurry up, man. It's blue to something.

#268

⇓

Just use the black to yellow, and the car will start. Oh, shit!

#269

⇓

You guys, check it out. I found this Soul Asylum tape,

#270

⇓

and I totally talked the guy down to, like, half the asking price.

#271

⇓

Yeah. Oh, goddamn it!

#272

⇓

Yeah. There was a bunch of wires hanging down,

#273

⇓

and I was trying to put them back up into- Shut up! Just shut up!

#274

⇓

Here's your piss jar.

#275

⇓

Yo, Frank, I'm gonna hop in the back with Dennis. You want to switch with me?

#276

⇓

Switch-ola? They're gonna argue the whole way. I don't wanna listen to it.

#277

⇓

No, I don't like it in there anyway. All right.

#278

⇓

- Hey, you want a cup of joe, my man? - Oh, yeah, definitely, dude.

#279

⇓

I got a pipin'-hot one ready for you right now. Hook me up, bro.

#280

⇓

Hook me up! All right.

#281

⇓

That's a pretty sweet duct tape rig you got going on the door, man.

#282

⇓

You like that? Taped the chairs down too, so they don't slide any.

#283

⇓

I know, but you stopped at the grill, and that's got me confused.

#284

⇓

- Ran out of tape actually. - Oh, right. It's not gonna slide through the crack?

#285

⇓

It won't because I measured the crack, and the crack is smaller than the height of the grill.

#286

⇓

- We are all hooked up here, dude. - Mmm.

#287

⇓

Now, are you nervous at all about leaving Philly? Like, is anything bad gonna happen?

#288

⇓

I don't think so, man. I'm excited about it.

#289

⇓

I've just never been outside of Philly. I don't know what people are like.

#290

⇓

- Well, people are people. - Nobody's gonna be, like, a dick?

#291

⇓

There are probably gonna be some dicks out there. Yeah, sure.

#292

⇓

But I'll be there. I'll back you up, man. Hey, thanks, man.

#293

⇓

I tell you what will help. Shotgun a beer? That'll calm my nerves.

#294

⇓

It sure will. Let's do that.

#295

⇓

I'm bored. Yeah.

#296

⇓

Let's play a drinking game. Name all 50 states. Drink while you think.

#297

⇓

That's gonna suck. I'm not drinking.

#298

⇓

Frank, will you drive for a little bit? I've been drinking all day.

#299

⇓

Fine. Uh, go. Maine.

#300

⇓

Uh, New Hampshire. Vermont.

#301

⇓

Philly. North Virginia.

#302

⇓

South Virginia. East Virginia.

#303

⇓

Uh, South Virginia. Did I say that already? Yes.

#304

⇓

Are you guys shitting me? Shit. All right. Start over.

#305

⇓

No, I'm not gonna start over. I was right. The game sucks.

#306

⇓

It's the drinking that's the amusing part.

#307

⇓

I got an idea.

#308

⇓

Georgia. That's six.

#309

⇓

Oh. I was gonna- No.

#310

⇓

Jesus Christ.

#311

⇓

You guys are gonna be hammered before I'm finished naming the East Coast.

#312

⇓

Bro, I gotta cook up some hot dogs, man. All right.

#313

⇓

I got a proposition for you, man. Check this out.

#314

⇓

What do you say we smash these wicker chairs to bits,

#315

⇓

put them in the middle of the U-Haul- which is metal...

#316

⇓

and we burn the wicker chairs and cook the hot dogs on that?

#317

⇓

What do you mean? Cook the hot dogs over the fire?

#318

⇓

And then we'll get some new wicker chairs next time we're at a Gypsy hangout spot.

#319

⇓

Okay. You think we're gonna be going to a lot of those?

#320

⇓

'Cause I feel like I already dodged a bullet once today. What do you mean?

#321

⇓

Well, I mean, you know, Gypsies- I don't want anyone shrinking my head and shit.

#322

⇓

Yeah. Yeah. Well, first of all,

#323

⇓

it was not Gypsies ever that did that.

#324

⇓

That's sort of a witch doctor thing.

#325

⇓

But either way, neither one of them can shrink heads.

#326

⇓

Let's burn the chairs. All right. A couple hot dogs will calm me down.

#327

⇓

Thanks for driving. I really appreciate the ride.

#328

⇓

Yeah.

#329

⇓

So you're headed to Hollywood, huh?

#330

⇓

Yeah.

#331

⇓

Oh, my God.

#332

⇓

Oh, my God. You're running away from home, aren't you?

#333

⇓

Um, yeah, maybe. Kinda.

#334

⇓

Oh, no, no, no.

#335

⇓

Sweet baby, they are gonna eat you alive in Hollywood.

#336

⇓

Oh, you're definitely gonna end up doing gay porn...

#337

⇓

with this tiny little body of yours. No.

#338

⇓

Oh, man, kid.

#339

⇓

I'll be fine.

#340

⇓

I've actually got an uncle out there that's...

#341

⇓

Shh.

#342

⇓

I got something you need to hear about.

#343

⇓

Hold on a second.

#344

⇓

# Just easier than dealin' with the pain #

#345

⇓

# Runaway train never comin' back #

#346

⇓

# Wrong way on a one-way track #.

#347

⇓

Right. I've actually got this uncle out there that said that...

#348

⇓

# Seems like I'm neither here nor there #

#349

⇓

# Runaway train tearin' up the- the track #

#350

⇓

# Runaway train tearin' up the track #

#351

⇓

## Shit.

#352

⇓

What is that?

#353

⇓

Is that piss? Is that piss?

#354

⇓

Pull over! You might as well pull over. He's just gonna keep yelling.

#355

⇓

Pull over, you little dick!

#356

⇓

Stop the car!

#357

⇓

Piss! You know what?

#358

⇓

Jesus Christ, Dee! I'm covered in piss!

#359

⇓

Well, maybe you shouldn't have had your window down!

#360

⇓

Maybe you shouldn't be throwing jars of pee out the window!

#361

⇓

Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. It's up for debate. You shouldn't!

#362

⇓

Hey, what the hell is that?

#363

⇓

Oh!

#364

⇓

Oh! Oh.

#365

⇓

Holy shit!

#366

⇓

Damn. It's dark, and we haven't even left Philly yet.

#367

⇓

I'm so sorry, dude. I don't know what happened, man.

#368

⇓

It's like, we lit the chairs, and there must've been a glaze on the wicker or something.

#369

⇓

Yeah. 'Cause, like, we passed out instantly.

#370

⇓

- Some sort of a poison glaze. - What are we, 20 minutes away from the bar?

#371

⇓

Yeah, we're close. I use this gas station all the time.

#372

⇓

Sorry. Took a little longer than I thought. There was a line for the bathroom.

#373

⇓

Hey-oh! Check out this couch I found by the Dumpster.

#374

⇓

Toss it in. Nice. Got it, buddy.

#375

⇓

Wait. What's the plan here? You guys are still gonna ride in the back?

#376

⇓

Oh, yeah. I sure as shit am, dude.

#377

⇓

You're not gonna get the smell of piss out of that car for weeks.

#378

⇓

Yeah, it's pretty bad. I'm in. Me too.

#379

⇓

You guys getting in too? All right, let's do it.

#380

⇓

All right, whatever.

#381

⇓

Have fun in the death trap!

#382

⇓

I guess I'm riding with you, bro.

#383

⇓

Hey, you're not gonna sing to me, are you?

#384

⇓

I might.

#385

⇓

All right.

#386

⇓

Hey, you know, Dee, I didn't want to say anything back there,

#387

⇓

'cause I didn't want to be rude to the kid,

#388

⇓

but you really gotta be careful just picking up hitchhikers.

#389

⇓

I know. But that kid was, like, really young and sweet and innocent-looking.

#390

⇓

Right. But those are the ones you gotta watch out for.

#391

⇓

Those are the most dangerous hitchhikers...

#392

⇓

the ones that lure you into thinking they're sane by acting like normal people.

#393

⇓

They act like they're normal and then they carve you up.

#394

⇓

No way. Wasn't gonna happen. I had my eyes on him the whole time.

#395

⇓

See, I've always got an "A," "B" and a "C" strike plan...

#396

⇓

to get us out of any potentially life-threatening situation.

#397

⇓

Yeah. He probably just carved up his mother and father,

#398

⇓

and he's running away on the road. That's right.

#399

⇓

Could be, Frank. All I'm saying is that I'm ready for any situation.

#400

⇓

- And that's why you're all safe as long as I'm around. - Uh-huh.

#401

⇓

Yeah. I did an ocular pat-down and I cleared him.

#402

⇓

Say what? I'm sorry?

#403

⇓

I'm saying that I did an ocular assessment of the situation,

#404

⇓

garnered that he was not a security risk, and I cleared him for passage.

#405

⇓

"Ocular pat-down"!

#406

⇓

What in the hell are you talking about?

#407

⇓

I'm talking about breaking down the security situation,

#408

⇓

clearing an individual and making it safe for passage.

#409

⇓

Well, how exactly do you view yourself within the context of our group?

#410

⇓

The sheriff of Paddy's.

#411

⇓

Well, I can't have this conversation right now.

#412

⇓

The sheriff of Paddy's? Can you move?

#413

⇓

I want to unfold this thing. I'm gonna pass out.

#414

⇓

Got a long trip ahead of us. Careful.

#415

⇓

I got it.

#416

⇓

I got it.

#417

⇓

Aah! Aah!

#418

⇓

Get off me, dude!

#419

⇓

Are we moving?

#420

⇓

I think we're stopped. Dee, what time is it? What?

#421

⇓

Hmm?

#422

⇓

7:00 a.m. 7:00 a.m.? Shit, we've been driving all night.

#423

⇓

We're not moving, are we? No.

#424

⇓

Whoa. Shit. You think we're, like, halfway there?

#425

⇓

Where do you think we are? I wonder how far we got.

#426

⇓

I wonder if we're like...

#427

⇓

What the hell is this?

#428

⇓

- Oh, are we back at Paddy's? - Wait. Where the hell is my car?

#429

⇓

Oh, goddamn!

#430

⇓

Shit balls! What's going on?

#431

⇓

Hey, you guys are back!

#432

⇓

- How was the Grand Canyon? - What the hell happened to my car, Charlie?

#433

⇓

I don't know. Last thing I remember, uh, we were at the gas station.

#434

⇓

And then you guys hopped in back, and I hopped in front with the hitchhiker.

#435

⇓

Then I got freaked out about leaving Philly, so I asked him if he'd drop me off back here.

#436

⇓

And he said he'd take you guys to the Grand Canyon, and then I drank all night and passed out.

#437

⇓

And then you guys were getting here now, so I figured- Did you go and come back?

#438

⇓

He didn't take us to the Grand Canyon.

#439

⇓

He detached the trailer and stole my car!

#440

⇓

Really? Yeah!

#441

⇓

The weird thing is that Mac had already cleared him as a security risk.

#442

⇓

Did an ocular pat-down on him. Amazing, right?

#443

⇓

- You cleared him, Mac? - I cleared him.

#444

⇓

Goddamn it! I thought he was clear!

#445

⇓

He wasn't clear! I'm calling the cops. He was clear.

#446

⇓

I thought Mac cleared him. I didn't think there'd be a problem.

#447

⇓

I don't know how- I kinda had a good time on the trip.

#448

⇓

Looking on the bright side of things. All right?

#449

⇓

Let's drink some beers, man. I'm hungover as shit. Absolutely, man.

#450

⇓

- Little hair of the dog. - That was the closest I ever got to being out of Philly, man.

#451

⇓

All right, cheers. Cheers, you guys.

#452

⇓

Texas. Oops. State game?

#453

⇓

Ohio. Rhode Island.

#454

⇓

Nice. Uh, Detroit.

#455

⇓

Nope. That's not a state. Drink.

#456

⇓

Milwaukee! Jesus H. Christ.

#457

⇓

ENGLISH - US - PSDH

#458

⇓