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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E13 — The Nightman Cometh

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 13 — The Nightman Cometh

TMDB episode metadata
Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Episode title: The Nightman Cometh
Air date: November 20, 2008
Director: Matt Shakman
Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito
In the season finale, Charlie gets the gang to help him put together a rock opera based on his song "Nightman."
Source: TMDB
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(pool balls clack) (door opens)
ballsdoordoor-opensopenspool
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CHARLIE: #Come one, come all, to a beautiful show
charlie
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#It's gonna be awesome and some other stuff
awesomestuff
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#Dee-dee-dee-dee Do-dee-dee-dee
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(laughs) #Some other musical stuff#
laughsmusicalstuff
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- What ya doing, buddy? - I wrote a musical.
buddymusicalwrote
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- You wrote a musical? - Why? Why did you do that?
musicalwrote
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Uh, just to write a musical. (scoffs)
musicalscoffswrite
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Does there have to be a reason? I don't think so.
reason
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Yeah, there does. Nobody writes a musical for no reason.
musicalnobodyreasonwrites
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- It doesn't make sense. - All right. Well, this guy did.
sense
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- So there you go. (chuckles) - Who's the mark?
chucklesmark
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- What? - Oh.
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- Yeah. - No. There's no mark, guys.
mark
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I wrote a musical. It's pretty damn good, okay?
musicalwrote
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- I want to put it on. - Right, what's your angle?
angle
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Yeah, whose face are we shoving this musical in?
facemusicalshoving
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You don't shove a musical in someone's face.
facemusicalshovesomeonessomeones-face
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But who versus? Who are we doing it versus?
versus
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Oh, my God. Are you guys gonna make this about this?
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I mean, look... I just wrote a musical to write a musical, okay?
musicalwritewrote
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I don't have an ulterior motive here.
motive
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I'm not trying to screw anyone or gain anything out of it.
gainscrew
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But you know what? If you guys don't want to be in it,
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I can find other people to play your parts.
parts
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- Hang on there, pal. - Hang on. Hang on.
hang
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We're just trying to wrap our heads around this.
headswrap
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Yeah. I mean, there's no reason to give away our parts, all right?
partsreason
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- All right. - No. We'll do it.
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- What's it called? - "The Nightman Cometh".
callednightman
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(music)
music
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Okay. Gather around! Please, everybody!
everybodygather
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Uh, let's gather down front.
frontgather
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#I feel the magic Do you feel the magic? #
magic
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(chuckles) Here we go!
chuckles
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- Now, you all know Artemis. - Yes.
artemis
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Artemis was kind enough to book for us this fine local theater.
artemisbooklocaltheater
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Okay. So, round of applause for Artemis.
applauseartemisround
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Uh, she also transcribed my work into a format you might consider
considerformatmight
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a little bit more legible. - Or literate. She added words.
addedwords
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(chuckling) All right.
chuckling
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No more interruptions now, Dee. Thank you. Please.
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Charlie, I got a question for you. Who's playing this lead boy?
charlieleadplayingquestion
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- That's gonna be Mac. DENNIS: What?
dennis
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- Oh, yeah! Lead, of course. - Who's playing the Dayman?
coursedaymanleadplaying
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Well, the lead boy becomes the Dayman
becomesdaymanlead
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when he defeats the Nightman, so it's also Mac.
defeatsnightman
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Two parts? Oh, yeah!
parts
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- Wait. That's bullshit. Bro... - The Nightman's a better role.
bullshitrole
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He gets to play two roles? I mean, come on.
roles
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- Well, it's the same person. - Who's playing the troll guy?
personplayingtroll
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- You're gonna play the troll guy. - I'm the troll guy?
troll
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- Who else would be the troll? - Oh! I like that.
troll
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CHARLIE: All right, good. - Can I do it naked?
charlienaked
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Absolutely not. Why would you want to be naked?
absolutelynaked
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Because in the '70s, everybody did theater naked.
everybodynakedtheater
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- Everybody got laid all the time. - All right.
everybodylaid
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This is not the '70s. You're gonna do theater with your clothes on.
clothestheater
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Charlie, what the hell is this play about?
charlie
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I'm a princess who lives in a coffee shop?
coffeecoffee-shoplivesprincessshop
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You work in a coffee shop! You don't live in a coffee shop.
coffeecoffee-shopliveshop
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Well, why am I in love with a little boy?
love
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- You're in love with a young man. DEE: You wrote boy.
lovewroteyoung
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All right. Well, man, boy, it's a metaphor.
metaphor
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Well, the audience is gonna think I'm a child molester.
audiencechildchild-molestermolester
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I've changed my mind. I'm playing the Nightman.
changedmindnightmanplaying
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Why would you want to play the Nightman?
nightman
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The Nightman's badass, dude. He has the eyes of a cat
badasseyes
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and does karate across the stage. - Karate?
karatestage
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- No, I made that up. - It's gonna be great.
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It frees up the lead boy role and the Dayman role. I can play both.
daymanleadrole
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I don't want you guys switching roles.
rolesswitching
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Hey, Frank, you got a guy that does cat eyes?
eyesfrank
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- I'm already on it. - Oh, my God. For the love of God.
love
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Uh, you know what? Let's just get started.
started
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CHARLIE: You guys ready? DENNIS: I'm ready.
charliedennisready
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#Tiny boy, little boy Baby boy, I need you
babytiny
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- Ah. Ooh. #Tiny boy, little boy
tiny
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#Want to make love to you, boy If you only knew...#
love
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Hold on a second. Uh, Charlie.
charliesecond
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- Yes. - Are you goddamn kidding me?
goddamnkidding
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- What? - "Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy"?
babytiny
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- Yes? - You're wanting me to say
wanting
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I want to make love to a little baby, tiny boy.
babylovetiny
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But I've explained this to you, Dee.
explained
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I'm talking about the spirit of this man.
spirit
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- It's a metaphor, okay? - You keep using that word,
metaphorusingword
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but I'm not convinced you know what it means.
convinced
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And also, I'm not making out with Dennis later.
dennis
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It says we're supposed to do that and that's not gonna happen.
happensupposed
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Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that either, bro.
comfortable
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This is why I didn't think you should be playing the boy, okay?
playing
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What if it's just a sexually-charged embrace?
chargedembracesexually
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Okay, Artemis, please don't talk to the talent.
artemistalent
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You know what? Um... All right.
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Screw this shit. If no one likes the song, I'm gonna cut the song.
likesscrewsong
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- Thank you. - No. Don't cut the song, man.
song
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- Dee, apologize to Charlie. - I'm not gonna do that.
apologizecharlie
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He wants me to bang this baby, and I don't feel comfortable.
babybangcomfortablewants
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I think it's a bad idea to cut the song, Charlie.
charlieideasong
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Thank you, Artemis. Thank you very much.
artemis
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All right. Could you give me a second with the talent here?
secondtalent
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Thank you. Uh, Dennis, could you take a five?
dennisfive
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Uh, well, I just don't want to cut the song, man.
song
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- I'd like for you to take a five. - Five... Five minutes?
fivefive-minutesminutes
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Can we have five now, please?
five
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Dee and I... Can I get... Can you have a five over there?
five
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Will you take a five, Dennis? Take a five, please!
dennisfive
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(sighing) Okay, Dee. The song is history.
historysighingsong
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Thank you, Charlie. I appreciate that, 'cause I was uncomfortable.
appreciatecharlieuncomfortable
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Yeah, I bet.
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What... What are we gonna sing instead? What should I sing?
sing
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- Uh, what's on the back there? - It's the same, same song.
song
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- And what's on the very back page? - Nothing.
page
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Ah. Then that's what you'll be singing.
singing
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- Charlie, this is my big song. - Yeah.
charliesong
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Everybody else has a big song. I deserve to have one.
deserveeverybodysong
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- Do you? - Don't screw me like this, Charlie.
charliescrew
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Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee.
screw
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Um, let me try and remember something.
remember
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Uh, let's see. Was it... Did Dee write a musical
musicalwrite
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and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical
charliemusicalwrote
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and came to Dee with it. And the gang.
gang
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And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves,
ganglikesscrew
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and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams.
charliedreamshopesruin
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So let me tell you something, Dee.
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Let me break down a scenario for you.
breakscenario
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I could cut the song, okay? Because I wrote it.
songwrote
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I could have Artemis do the song, okay?
artemissong
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Because you did not write it.
write
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Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself.
songstrap
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So you tell me, little Miss All That,
miss
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what do you want to do? Song or no song?
song
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(mumbling) Well, song.
mumblingsong
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(gasps) - Song? - Yeah. Song.
gaspssong
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So, you want to sing a song.
singsong
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I never... I never wasn't gonna sing the song.
singsong
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You are excited about singing a song, and you want to sing a song.
excitedsingsingingsong
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- Yeah. I would like to do it. - Good!
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- Yeah, I'll... - So, back up on your podium you go.
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- Thank you. - Dennis, what are you doing?
dennis
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I'm eating because I'm very uncomfortable.
eatinguncomfortable
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Well, you guys are making...
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Can you just get on the stage? And can we finish this rehearsal?
finishrehearsalstage
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- It was really loud... - Don't start!
loudstart
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Technically, that wasn't five minutes.
fivefive-minutesminutestechnically
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Okay. You know what? You guys have me up to here.
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Okay, I'm here. I don't want to be here, okay?
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Now I have to play the piano, and I'm all up here.
piano
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So let's... You know what? Let's try and get this down.
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Let's try and work this down a bit. Okay?
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And you know what's gonna do that? Learning the song.
learningsong
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- The way it's written. - Let's do it.
written
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8f567d5b-7260-4b0b-8d27-563006cced5e.gif
Back to the top. Five, six, seven, eight...
eightfivesevenseven-eight
↓
df2cf9f0-e7ed-4105-b996-d23c715a85ac.gif
#Gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole
boysboys-holeholetolltrolltroll-toll
↓
48d1d865-c390-4d1c-b00e-5d4266e573ac.gif
#You gotta pay the troll toll to get in
tolltrolltroll-toll
↓
8458cb8e-ea7d-4e0f-85cb-386f7bf8a573.gif
#You want this baby boy's hole You gotta pay the troll toll...#
babyboysboys-holeholetolltrolltroll-toll
↓
b3dd2ef7-c0ef-4911-a71b-bf87409a08d6.gif
Stop, stop, stop. All right. Um, not bad.
↓
53a7050c-c27d-4f1c-8d0a-e24b7dea6cde.gif
Good rhythm. Love the enthusiasm.
enthusiasmloverhythm
↓
74728154-8126-4294-9743-e1fb0edfca3c.gif
I feel like you're saying "boy's hole."
boysboys-holehole
↓
0f3f5c5b-ad0c-4eb6-a8e9-506e6f4ac1e6.gif
And it's clearly "soul." And I know...
soul
↓
14185032-c52b-438f-9371-8a1512142d4a.gif
Artemis, you did write "soul," right?
artemissoulwrite
↓
4de0bf69-7c1f-4c7d-9089-0aea82749982.gif
- I did write "soul" definitely. - So it's "boy's soul."
boyssoulwrite
↓
39783fa8-2e50-491d-afbe-7b5527530084.gif
#You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole
boysboys-holeholetolltrolltroll-toll
↓
8f282f24-8afc-41a4-9039-d43a8c2af117.gif
No, see? Right there. It sounds like "hole."
holesounds
↓
f2eed29e-3dd4-4204-ad41-9643ff513fb8.gif
- Like, if you drag that... - Are you chewing gum?
chewingdrag
↓
ae9f6ec4-0cc5-4285-93d1-2aa21ce96c92.gif
- Yeah. - Give me the gum, okay?
↓
91d1f63c-418d-4e5a-b8c3-764046ed0634.gif
(stammering) The gum, Frank. Please.
frankstammering
↓
1de0d236-efbb-47f3-bc15-1ff733cd20f7.gif
- He said no gum. - I said no gum, everyone.
↓
683e4cdd-4add-421a-a12a-9b644c27ad66.gif
ARTEMIS: It's unprofessional. - Okay. Thank you.
artemisunprofessional
↓
0fea6365-b254-44ba-8b8b-7bac53c3caa3.gif
- Charlie, can I bring something up? - Yes.
bringcharlie
↓
2bd3b435-479b-49ce-aa48-f3d7f5e4b26d.gif
We have to be very careful about how we do the rape scene.
carefulrapescene
↓
a97a9f6f-fdba-45df-b4bf-6c99132aff4a.gif
DENNIS: Yeah.
dennis
↓
db6eece8-9aad-45cc-9642-407b1e0c1196.gif
Well, what in God's name are you talking... There's no rape scene.
godsgods-namenamerapescene
↓
18093829-29a4-4cf2-b1d7-47e868831555.gif
Well, sure. Uh, I pay the troll toll, and then I rape Dennis.
dennisrapetolltrolltroll-toll
↓
3766bf51-0ea3-432d-b3e0-da2f5ade488e.gif
No. You don't rape him. You become him.
becomerape
↓
fa70b376-22c4-4df5-a467-deb694cc24cd.gif
- You do not rape him. FRANK: He doesn't?
frankrape
↓
16d0bfcb-ce2b-4453-ab2b-2a3029946bcf.gif
No. Look. (sighs)
sighs
↓
089fdc93-3a20-4681-a300-044191fcf3b5.gif
Let me just walk you guys through this, okay?
walk
↓
127193da-1b5f-405f-ae02-dc6edebd95c7.gif
Here's what happens. Once you've paid the toll...
happenspaidtoll
↓
974bf99f-4c0a-4463-96ce-725d1a4f780e.gif
I want you to come over to Dennis, over by his bed here.
dennis
↓
e947f015-8e30-4746-812c-7f368c0bad5c.gif
- I'll be lying back. - You want me to cross the stage?
crosslyingstage
↓
db094f39-0781-4a76-868b-e1de8e475eb6.gif
This is a great opportunity to showcase some skills
opportunityshowcaseskills
↓
24d7edc4-63cf-440e-9810-3b3a144d815d.gif
and like, just put on a clinic as I'm doing it.
clinic
↓
6c96b90c-a07a-4b51-8275-bc3560b1cff4.gif
CHARLIE: I would... I would rather you didn't.
charlie
↓
51756d1b-e1c8-43c0-b28a-be48faad4f03.gif
- Okay, well, let's not... - Then I'll hop up, like a cat.
↓
81c13568-fa6d-490c-a628-fb75c681d436.gif
- Like so. Meow. - Oh, Jesus Christ.
christjesusjesus-christmeow
↓
f303498b-a2b5-4269-9659-c0cf3aaebdd9.gif
Just leave it at that. Okay. Once he gets near you,
near
↓
e496ce43-1eaa-4f1f-b7c8-3c5069c1cd60.gif
you have to sense him, okay? Suddenly you sense him.
sensesuddenly
↓
0ca9d8bc-7147-470f-8d3d-049d810fbd9a.gif
What if I were to position him in a way where I get behind him
behindposition
↓
8bbd4893-3b78-4dde-a0fd-25f97cbc02b0.gif
and then Frank could throw that blanket that he's got over us.
blanketfrankthrow
↓
3c287723-cd48-4178-8feb-ca5bb2622422.gif
And then that way, you can't see the penetration.
penetration
↓
4d7da3b7-6a23-41b7-8bc8-a989202d0a24.gif
That's a good idea. Because the blanket will make the raping...
blanketidearaping
↓
88799dc3-b19d-41ad-8fe2-b61e7b733642.gif
I'm sorry, the sexing from behind, feel more classy.
behindclassy
↓
2123e46f-0649-4f6c-af8a-1fde99ab0202.gif
That's good. Then what I can do is thrust this way.
thrust
↓
ca5ea388-c99f-4552-89ec-4888835d0eaf.gif
- And you can struggle. - Now I'm here. Okay?
struggle
↓
a861a7e3-30df-49ca-8592-aeace687fe15.gif
I am... I'm past where I thought I could go.
past
↓
a44e7a0c-eee0-40aa-acb4-acf9dfa95631.gif
I'm like, all the way up here with it.
↓
a89bd643-d68e-4617-8769-c1b450b228ef.gif
- Oh, my God. You scared me! - Hey, you.
scared
↓
5ad1ec5d-de66-4c68-98f2-050930a005df.gif
I'm sorry. I dropped, like, a hundred-dollar bill under there,
billdollardollar-billdroppedhundred
↓
1cb7c5bd-af2a-48b4-a780-34b905d7f296.gif
can't find it anywhere, and then... What are you doing walking here?
walking
↓
91b44b81-bec1-4fbf-b05c-f40e8fbff8df.gif
- Is this one of your places? - Charlie, I have mace.
charlieplaces
↓
bb8e2a5c-bc47-4b02-91cb-79202fe3314d.gif
Oh, my God. Check this out.
check
↓
1bd8dc5c-00c8-4d33-925e-f127c85ef312.gif
Uh, I have a free ticket for you to see a musical that I wrote.
freemusicalticketwrote
↓
4df690a6-6356-4fda-851e-befdf3cee6bd.gif
Oh, wow! A free ticket to a play that I don't want to see.
freeticket
↓
fd7f7794-0ce3-4503-83c8-da7bf2c77f0f.gif
You don't want to see it? It's a front row seat.
frontseat
↓
88b73c2d-ed1e-4d72-aa3f-a471475c68b8.gif
I don't care. I don't want to see your play.
care
↓
3e04c6e5-892b-42fd-b932-47ad350612bc.gif
I'm gonna cut you a bargain, okay? You come and see this play...
bargain
↓
935b229d-1e44-4931-9463-be1bfd67859b.gif
I didn't want to do this, but, if you come and see this play...
↓
19508640-86e9-4711-993d-d963d359605c.gif
I'm gonna leave you alone for the rest of your life.
aloneliferest
↓
f976c17e-df3b-4be8-b2be-8f0492930263.gif
- Really? - Yeah.
↓
00797a58-383b-4c5d-b8de-dcd76fb1a25e.gif
So you won't follow me home anymore?
anymorefollowhome
↓
cec78086-5381-4376-ad71-825560720606.gif
And you're not gonna call me at 3:00 in the morning
morning
↓
c195b5c8-aa2b-4a0b-8d1c-e2d79d2d7a73.gif
and tell me that you are in the emergency room in the hospital
emergencyemergency-roomhospitalroom
↓
e8bb643a-26e0-4a3d-a8a4-8cfdb2b41bdc.gif
because you had a terrible car accident.
accident
↓
8065839f-782a-4be9-a3ea-a3c298032932.gif
Yeah, well, it's great that you came.
↓
048d9ac5-b709-473f-84c9-55dadf8ae2f9.gif
Well, you listed me as your emergency contact.
contactemergencyemergency-contactlisted
↓
283aa1a5-3ef5-48e6-8b2c-8525c70d0590.gif
Well, yeah. Because I consider you that.
consider
↓
42f7abb6-2d17-4771-981d-7e45a515ef34.gif
- I have to go! - Look. Ah... All right.
↓
d7c2cd4a-234e-4847-b450-869ea4cee1fe.gif
I swear to God, I'm gonna leave you alone.
aloneswear
↓
e2851899-ed1b-4635-9482-e246db6b8222.gif
I'm gonna stop listing you as my emergency contact.
contactemergencyemergency-contactlisting
↓
3a4a9c23-d403-4aee-a174-4b3b0ca2a0f5.gif
I'm gonna stop calling you if you see the musical.
callingmusical
↓
1189518d-2209-43d7-a97d-9c4a19872dad.gif
That's how much this means to me.
↓
79227eb7-b578-419a-b164-3d548ae4f61c.gif
- Nice. - Leave me alone.
alone
↓
c1a82fce-8860-4789-b884-074e44572c49.gif
- You're not gonna regret it. - I regret it already.
regret
↓
46be6170-6a89-44d9-afa3-c27667921e8f.gif
All right. (Charlie whistling)
charliewhistling
↓
438947b8-6518-46c8-9f40-fe049cccbd7b.gif
Charlie, what is going on, dude? When are we gonna start?
charliestart
↓
8210d1e5-8aec-499f-89f3-7d9e365698db.gif
We're gonna start when I'm ready to start.
readystart
↓
03e18e99-95cb-4349-bc69-3be1610de84c.gif
We were supposed to start 20 minutes ago.
minutesstartsupposed
↓
b968b83f-5919-4f4e-bc6e-8e761e09f48d.gif
She's here! She's here! She's here!
↓
dcd9061c-c616-4bdf-9b05-b47655fc8743.gif
- Who's here? - Circle in, everybody.
circleeverybody
↓
91f09bf9-9a48-4ea0-a2de-27fbc9be7ca3.gif
Can we get down in the middle? Can we get down front? Okay.
frontmiddle
↓
6d6c738e-b33b-4a1c-86f5-d11873280abb.gif
Couple last-minute things. I just want to brief everyone.
briefcoupleminute
↓
e271617a-ceaf-4c36-917f-0a7acf8888bb.gif
Artemis, can you bring in Gladys? This is Gladys.
artemisbringgladys
↓
9efd228d-67ae-4c53-a4d9-50c1cadc7aad.gif
She's gonna be playing the piano instead of me tonight.
pianoplayingtonight
↓
499b5b10-3a4b-4670-8eb2-83b91dce0a7e.gif
- What? Why? - She knows all the songs.
knowssongs
↓
ea2a4e84-ef45-45e4-9dd6-4ebc8dc06951.gif
All right, Gladys, can you head out there and get us started?
gladysheadstarted
↓
66db5acb-4f9a-419e-82d4-db4f4e152675.gif
Oh, I forgot to tell you, Calvin Coolidge
forgot
↓
6be9ebfb-6dc9-46a7-b204-d70565007043.gif
was a good friend of mine.
friend
↓
fb4a4c86-2a5f-43cb-bd3b-4075b8a0749c.gif
You've been telling me that like, all morning.
morningtelling
↓
c88beb7b-fea6-4240-a60a-9b4cb7395718.gif
- How many times? - Like, 100 times, now.
times
↓
7afe2a87-8038-4dfd-9aa8-8db25ac89d2b.gif
Well, at a certain point, I need you to stop telling
certaincertain-pointpointtelling
↓
6852e923-8936-464b-96f7-e336f61c79a9.gif
the Calvin Coolidge story and start playing the piano...
pianoplayingstartstory
↓
39c23916-cb53-433e-a8ca-1cf0d703c6b6.gif
- Shh. - Don't shush me. Okay, now.
shush
↓
3e86703c-fea9-4d3e-89f4-465f19637c9f.gif
DENNIS: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, dude.
dennis
↓
139ba730-6f4a-4f60-878a-78834de45f0b.gif
Just get her out there and get the play started.
started
↓
f3ef4a55-9c01-4a4c-bbbb-b0521697dc75.gif
You can't be throwing us curveballs like this.
curveballsthrowing
↓
db6ca6ab-6132-447a-bc0d-92f67aed9316.gif
- I'm hanging on by a thread. - Don't argue with me now, okay?
arguehangingthread
↓
c88b56e8-28d1-4bac-ab37-fa0d69494c61.gif
We just gotta do this. Let's stick together.
stick
↓
c4a9a51b-ad29-4698-b17a-2723e70903c1.gif
Real quickly, okay? Just a couple of things.
couplequicklyreal
↓
8e05b1e5-573c-4f35-b1d4-a56c485be7cf.gif
I can't really move my arms in this. So, I think I need to rip the pit.
arms
↓
9c529f18-69d3-4f26-a693-fe3108a11883.gif
Do not rip that costume, okay? It's very expensive.
costumeexpensive
↓
fdeaf6e7-ee13-4fe3-8eb7-cd046341a14f.gif
Fine. But one other thing. I wrote a song. I'm gonna throw it in.
songthrowwrote
↓
029a4763-87a1-4667-b31f-fad89c4300d4.gif
I swear to God, you cannot add a song.
cannotsongswear
↓
e20a6f01-3124-415c-84d5-cba6a693e413.gif
- It's gonna happen. - I will smack your face off.
facehappensmack
↓
8d913014-3945-4b2b-8df5-44b5a48f3fdf.gif
- Okay. - Do not add a song!
song
↓
2d6fdd8c-bc78-46c1-956e-ddb152c1e4c8.gif
(piano playing) It's starting. Okay, go, go! You gotta go.
pianopiano-playingplayingstarting
↓
6e459b6c-ec29-4f55-b083-2df65f4ef75e.gif
DENNIS: I'm not ready, dude. I don't think I can do this.
dennisready
↓
64c469ab-6fcf-41a9-a976-3fef32d91de0.gif
- Just get out there. - I don't think I can do this.
↓
d6e595c8-851e-4ae7-af53-f9d8b7011ebd.gif
You're gonna be fine. Go change...
change
↓
a6dcf187-159d-45ba-9375-d2754ba110b9.gif
(piano playing) (muffled arguing)
arguingmuffledpianopiano-playingplaying
↓
aae2b863-9c6a-4a5f-b277-3d24198139a8.gif
Do not rip that costume! (groans)
costumegroans
↓
e94eac6c-c7a9-40d3-91f6-e09423eb42bc.gif
(up-tempo piano playing)
pianopiano-playingplayingtempo
↓
3d94ea39-b2f6-4fff-851d-3944f619854d.gif
- What is this strange feeling? - I feel so strange inside.
feelingstrangestrange-feeling
↓
f81d2807-ccfd-4cc5-adf9-6c52130eeacd.gif
- It's so strange, but appealing. - I feel good. Ooh.
appealingstrange
↓
b8018649-dadf-44de-b545-b2714cbb03cc.gif
#Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy, I need you
babytiny
↓
abfda1a5-5c63-4748-bedb-ca865acd7fc3.gif
#Tiny boy, little boy I want to touch you, boy
tinytouch
↓
49c1f527-ab20-48f5-8f11-fd1dd1102ec5.gif
#If you only knew What I'd do to you
↓
5ac3846a-9a53-48ce-98f8-88790100f94f.gif
#If I was that boy that's inside of you
↓
8e9febe4-98ba-4e70-966a-2a5cfb600b68.gif
#Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy
babytiny
↓
9bba5eb3-6636-49c4-9002-0ff9350e65f0.gif
#I need you Tiny boy, little boy
tiny
↓
66fa81ee-aa84-48d1-9507-60a666f9dad2.gif
#Want to make love to you, boy
love
↓
09eb9f90-0ffb-48b8-aefc-5bad99019e9b.gif
#If you only knew What I'd do to you
↓
cd375846-eff4-4a27-9dee-1e40822c302d.gif
#If I was that boy that's inside of you
↓
2d391d54-f772-467e-a4eb-00f7fa50d39e.gif
#Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy Inside, inside, inside of you
↓
a89ecc76-67fe-4b2b-80d2-fb11e0635369.gif
BOTH: #My boy#
↓
121ca41f-0620-4b6e-8943-c848422c3e04.gif
BOTH (sigh): Oh, boy.
sigh
↓
93ef3724-1927-41cb-b215-7ae4408dd895.gif
(applause)
applause
↓
33b61446-f310-4b07-a950-0168281c53b9.gif
#Just to be clear I did not write that song
clearsongwrite
↓
386dfe2e-a215-447d-8f1c-4af957df6b2a.gif
#And have never had sex with a child
child
↓
0826eff0-53ec-49ea-b657-2251d320171c.gif
#Just to be clear Just to be clear
clear
↓
ef4d7b48-9b1b-45f4-872d-b5ebd426a5b6.gif
What... What is happening?
↓
3428c181-a122-424e-8951-9b74c7804b85.gif
#Most men find me to be an eight or nine out of 10
eightnine
↓
91fd22d1-b91f-4c9f-9162-f30a6e1f3c50.gif
#And I am available to any interested men
availableinterested
↓
52dfd6bd-5a3c-43e2-898c-248fc3fa4399.gif
#Who'd like to get my number after the show#
numberwhod
↓
1bf05b6f-cfb0-4a26-b756-f240b1acc960.gif
Keep singing, bitch.
bitchsinging
↓
5537bb84-04f6-46a4-9e99-d6af8d8eea47.gif
You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you.
face
↓
798ec09e-f9b4-4ad7-a1aa-f62d3c677611.gif
- What the hell is she doing? - She's bombing like crazy.
bombingcrazy
↓
f71ca853-2a87-48f8-b135-7161c10e6a1d.gif
What an idiot. I was awesome though, right?
awesomeidiot
↓
cac9d275-b615-48c5-bae9-50978e79f77d.gif
You? No, dude. You totally froze up out there. You sucked.
frozesucked
↓
1cfc7e49-4088-4281-865c-fa1cbffc0528.gif
Um, I was hearing a lot of laughs out there, bro.
hearinglaughs
↓
0aa2c00b-9b34-4b0d-b1f3-e99dcfdd217c.gif
Laughs are cheap. (applause)
applausecheaplaughs
↓
86f2129e-115d-4d4f-9cda-0fcd5e362575.gif
I'm going for gasps. Wait till you see it, dude.
gaspstill
↓
82216c4a-afbf-43eb-8869-88e53f8fb59c.gif
Gasps are where it's at. I gotta go pop my cat eyes in.
eyesgasps
↓
06a9e664-2691-45f8-95cd-6f7e7377b61c.gif
(piano plays)
pianoplays
↓
6cf6eaad-1c95-41bf-b88d-952f8fea0883.gif
(hisses) (laughing)
hisseslaughing
↓
948e22ca-7891-4fa8-9fed-353eaf009b0c.gif
We're getting a lot of laughs. That's good.
laughs
↓
73f8f15b-aeab-4418-be7f-308e4b05e5e7.gif
This is not a comedy, okay? No one's supposed to be laughing.
comedylaughingonessupposed
↓
59e4a289-7785-42f3-8c2d-77c0fe157b41.gif
(snapping fingers) You came at the right time.
fingerssnapping
↓
b23529f0-670c-4e06-a610-b524fdf9b0c0.gif
- Is he sleeping? - Yes. He's sleeping over there.
sleeping
↓
188d288a-cb60-4537-82e3-0c4947b0736e.gif
Just the way you like 'em. Did you bring the toll?
bringtoll
↓
d97c9029-1f97-4280-981e-7118d519a01b.gif
Confound your lousy toll, troll. (hisses)
hisseslousytolltroll
↓
2451e147-ef67-4220-bd9b-be3e1dc4b7e2.gif
(laughter)
laughter
↓
12f0f6de-9379-45f4-9f8e-fc73f1f4017a.gif
God damn it. Stop laughing at me.
laughing
↓
ae041349-d408-4b67-a339-9251f4329ed6.gif
#You gotta pay the troll toll
tolltrolltroll-toll
↓
76ffc468-32aa-4beb-a785-fedabeb11fcd.gif
#If you want to get into that boy's hole
boysboys-holehole
↓
a25c16ba-a974-4ac3-a7fd-50abbf6dc264.gif
#You gotta pay the troll toll to get in
tolltrolltroll-toll
↓
b3ebfa87-fc11-49b4-a3d4-8ecb395430be.gif
#You want the baby boy's hole You gotta pay the troll toll
babyboysboys-holeholetolltrolltroll-toll
↓
c4b512c1-4880-408c-b0c0-7639bc7af77e.gif
#You gotta pay the troll toll to get in
tolltrolltroll-toll
↓
a5ababdb-c5f2-4c48-a8ce-4f5d47b0e392.gif
#Troll toll
tolltrolltroll-toll
↓
3671aab3-3240-42bb-9cbd-91ebf3c27cdb.gif
#What'd you say Troll toll
tolltrolltroll-tollwhatd
↓
a6fa8caa-ba81-4947-8068-38180167b758.gif
#Hey, hey, hey Troll toll#
tolltrolltroll-toll
↓
944271a4-2856-4121-96a2-4ec2c819c65d.gif
- Here's your toll, troll. - Your boy awaits.
awaitstolltroll
↓
001bd719-d275-4892-ba90-6a1c89e05d9c.gif
At last. The boy's soul is mine.
boyssoul
↓
b52bc4b3-a55d-44f4-a049-4f06d20fb98e.gif
(grunting) (laughter)
gruntinglaughter
↓
5fadd5a7-8a7f-478d-ba04-76b58b83bdf3.gif
(snoring) (gasps)
gaspssnoring
↓
01200b75-4094-4da6-9910-633f1d860916.gif
- Give me that leg, boy. - No.
↓
5da4f30a-2070-4e9d-b802-1202fbc9527a.gif
DENNIS: Do you have a boner? MAC: Shut up. Don't ruin this.
bonerdennisruin
↓
75434297-c37c-447e-a426-3953b3c0cbab.gif
DENNIS: What? What the hell are... Jesus! Okay, stop.
dennisjesus
↓
66122adf-6c71-45d5-ac46-0c5683019e77.gif
(thumping) - That's enough, dude. - Ow. Oh. God.
thumping
↓
06093445-7ee0-43ac-b78a-31a3c152f110.gif
I am going to smack everyone into tiny little pieces.
piecessmacktiny
↓
f64f9eda-ee84-4701-88e3-eab838bac42c.gif
Hello, boy!
↓
66006bc5-3918-4272-9319-bfc2aa4b00a1.gif
Come here and scratch my itchy-witchy toesy-woesies.
itchyscratch
↓
ab7a5df2-c900-42a5-9a23-535d37c223a4.gif
- No. - What? Get over here.
↓
a6240782-5c8e-4e55-9904-39ff1eeda95e.gif
- No, Antonio. - I control you.
antoniocontrol
↓
a3fd70d7-0fbc-4f58-97c1-71ead6619bf7.gif
You control nothing. I am not your slave anymore.
anymorecontrolslave
↓
f658d8bc-bbfc-4fb9-9405-c8575796d375.gif
And I am not a boy. I am a man. See?
↓
c5e80ee3-2090-480e-bbcc-c1389cbc577e.gif
I was transformed by the strong,
strong
↓
3c6dda17-3b5b-4ca7-914f-858813818ce1.gif
musky power of true love.
lovepower
↓
53966be2-4212-486f-bade-081db069263b.gif
I am now the Dayman.
dayman
↓
6422b57e-2d47-461d-9fd6-8502eccc7766.gif
What the hell is that?
↓
dadcffba-c224-4f1a-8347-a2bbc455c77c.gif
You know what it is, bitch. Bang!
bangbitch
↓
917a33af-50e5-4d2a-bf53-f202b995fc76.gif
(groaning) Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
bangbang-bangbang-bang-banggroaning
↓
37c6db49-9d70-4f7b-a258-3de94b9a763e.gif
(piano plays ominously) (hisses)
hissespianoplays
↓
533a388e-aeef-4b62-b85f-7c9d7442d312.gif
(audience laughing)
audiencelaughing
↓
25e05841-0280-4638-b5b2-eb23ea908558.gif
- Where's the boy? - The boy is gone.
gone
↓
23b2df92-17da-48ed-ac2c-cac720426192.gif
- You can't tell me what to do. - I didn't tell you what to...
↓
7388c948-160f-4a2a-a2fd-1e8d154a5881.gif
- You're skipping a line, dude. - Yeah, uh...
lineskipping
↓
0ae49353-409d-48ce-a2b8-895506fa3f32.gif
- You can't tell me what to... - You're still skipping the line.
lineskipping
↓
bcb49cbd-4979-4d47-94ce-41ffbe0112f1.gif
Just move past it, 'cause I can't remember what it is, and...
pastremember
↓
ba0323da-5226-4661-aea3-0fba707bdff2.gif
God, it's crazy how much better I am at acting than you.
actingcrazy
↓
2adbe352-cc7f-461a-b006-875eef623719.gif
- I'm going to kick your ass, bro. - I'll tell you what!
kick
↓
06699978-d3c2-419d-b910-2fea1b273656.gif
I am the ruler of darkness! I am the master of light.
darknesslightmasterruler
↓
ee8c018b-6743-4d26-b9a5-67c7a237f1ea.gif
- I am the Dayman. - Whatever, bro.
dayman
↓
4688627a-cd3d-420f-ac48-ca9e5b35f626.gif
- Here's your whatever, bitch. - What? No, don't improv.
bitchimprov
↓
10c95425-a5ad-4347-bb2f-b74ae9913d7e.gif
(both grunting)
grunting
↓
2423fd61-bdec-431c-8c9d-db1338decb53.gif
(groans) (screams)
groansscreams
↓
352cfe46-ddcb-4f82-829c-f7f8befe1b11.gif
Whoo! (laughs)
laughswhoo
↓
5bc56427-fdc8-4490-b6db-32edcb2b935f.gif
(shouting) Body bag! (groans)
bodygroansshouting
↓
94a45a9b-4d7c-46bc-980c-5def6839d5e9.gif
(growls) - No. - Yes.
growls
↓
d459710a-9488-4229-b16b-0e529a22a381.gif
No. No!
↓
5154fa2a-cd7a-45d3-b0fd-c4f52d44f8d7.gif
(both yelling) (gasps)
gaspsyelling
↓
ed7a96d3-ec6b-4137-8adf-3efa57d27414.gif
(exhales) (piano imitating heartbeat)
exhalesheartbeatimitatingpiano
↓
df093063-b2fb-4152-b424-de9cdd747b4b.gif
(heartbeat slows) (gasps)
gaspsheartbeatslows
↓
582a168d-2128-40f0-a448-65514a0f2bbd.gif
(groans) (gasps)
gaspsgroans
↓
db69789a-8342-4158-ae97-61f6d0a4213f.gif
You have defeated the evil that was here.
defeatedevil
↓
205be5e8-b5b7-407d-8beb-82a0035b2f22.gif
Naturally, for I am the Dayman.
daymannaturally
↓
ccb85753-ffed-4feb-8bbc-f97a39195d02.gif
(gasps) You once were a boy, and now you are a man,
gasps
↓
1e4172b1-709b-4977-9267-a119a2898a2e.gif
and I am in love with you. - That's right.
love
↓
3b69eb02-3012-475a-a80b-eba9be326e7b.gif
And now I am in love with you.
love
↓
6b09b20b-1a73-4c1f-9d9b-31539469e79e.gif
#Dayman (both vocalizing)
daymanvocalizing
↓
29d94968-614f-4edd-9ed0-f14d80eb2308.gif
BOTH: #Fighter of the Nightman
fighternightman
↓
dba2b3ea-af22-4aca-a6ea-0e95254dc553.gif
(vocalizing) #Champion of the sun
championvocalizing
↓
00b7d5fc-dbfa-4da4-a7c1-02a847145955.gif
(vocalizing)
vocalizing
↓
3094bec3-1ad2-4e72-90c1-65912ce8ae4a.gif
#You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone
friendshipkaratemaster
↓
53bb93ec-21c2-4a30-b24b-5b0f02424554.gif
#Dayman Dayman, Dayman, Dayman
dayman
↓
e461f359-dfd2-4d22-b3fd-95eceb567451.gif
#Fighter of the Nightman
fighternightman
↓
d347810b-8312-4997-9a68-2b0f52e5e55b.gif
#Champion of the sun The sun, the sun, the sun
champion
↓
882f6ef5-50ed-4bda-a03c-ddbd109b710a.gif
#You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone
friendshipkaratemaster
↓
447e8d18-630c-4f35-a065-85585ae30e0f.gif
#Dayman (vocalizing)
daymanvocalizing
↓
6a0f69ef-17ee-4370-901a-4c0bb3d46825.gif
#Fighter of the Nightman (vocalizing)
fighternightmanvocalizing
↓
e17c8fbc-1eaa-440a-900d-8940d36bd550.gif
#Champion of the sun (vocalizing)
championvocalizing
↓
dd91a9ee-303e-43f2-81db-970069d1c4bf.gif
#You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone
friendshipkaratemaster
↓
a5c7748a-68d7-4097-8428-6659232abe31.gif
#Dayman#
dayman
↓
8c0a9d41-34c3-4dc8-af1d-e476c407b7f5.gif
- Stage freeze! - Don't say that. Just do it.
freezestage
↓
5a26e52e-8ed7-4f8f-a9a1-86b5c2eb4e3e.gif
(off-key vocalizing)
vocalizing
↓
c82a1ea3-0295-46bc-b155-74feb15b4a22.gif
#I was that little boy That little baby boy was me
baby
↓
5345e8f4-cb81-40e9-91c1-436549ef9216.gif
#I once was a boy but now I am a man
↓
4fe0aff7-bb29-4e71-a351-11edb6601562.gif
#I fought the Nightman Lived as Dayman
daymanfoughtlivednightman
↓
b05e7034-1800-4ec4-a14f-66cab7d5b6c1.gif
#Now I'm here To ask for your hand
hand
↓
0136feff-e213-4cba-bf3d-6413aaaa4cea.gif
#So if you want to marry, man Will you marry me
marry
↓
23ffe5e7-f727-4825-8f29-0d0f7589ba46.gif
#Will you come on stage and join me
joinstage
↓
31d5cc91-fcaa-477a-97cd-42e029c5bf45.gif
#In this thing called matrimony
called
↓
60ec91b4-5b7e-4d16-bb30-da533dd23a3c.gif
#Please say yes And do not bone me
bone
↓
8363d266-891b-4fd9-a90d-8211f6fa9dea.gif
#Please just marry Me#
marry
↓
67e68e52-4c22-4176-87d6-50356660de73.gif
- Is that it? - Uh...
↓
84413f8e-044d-47ab-bab2-580103fd8251.gif
- Is the play over? - Yeah.
↓
e392ac66-b130-42ad-9a2d-fec9df5bf009.gif
Okay. Great. Well, then I'm out of here.
↓
549005a1-5beb-4a00-bae2-3873ee9deccb.gif
(chuckles nervously) Hang on. Hang on a second.
chuckleschuckles-nervouslyhangnervouslysecond
↓
219d09c2-4a0d-4954-a500-c0b1f32a55a3.gif
- Hang on. Is it a yes, or... - "Is it a yes?"
hang
↓
a3c9e253-3e9b-4301-872b-054a65172a5d.gif
Really, Charlie? Will I marry you?
charliemarry
↓
221f40bf-2bcd-48fb-987a-f0909e0dc88a.gif
No. No, I will not. I will never marry you.
marry
↓
8fa6afef-5776-4337-8cf1-b86695ed9f69.gif
And I also held up my end of the bargain,
bargainheld
↓
370d19aa-f863-471d-9a3b-c5c9e6b06a27.gif
so I never have to see you again. - Okay. So wait. Just...
↓
89279f64-24cf-4668-ba31-97463863d657.gif
I'm sorry. I want to get this clear. Uh, you are saying no?
clear
↓
ca461fb9-b892-4566-a3e4-dfdacb3cb987.gif
Oh, I am definitely, definitely saying no.
↓
b703d4aa-e950-4075-8b98-7359780c61f1.gif
Okay. Well, I didn't ever sign anything.
sign
↓
b5dc8446-ade3-4d59-abe9-181e7ca84492.gif
So, um, I'll see you tomorrow?
tomorrow
↓
84122efb-45f6-4693-b6bd-047447003582.gif
That's it. You can go home. It's over.
home
↓
e3481e19-3df3-47e0-8a06-7d0481cbe26c.gif
DENNIS: Well, we're gonna do a bow. - Yeah?
dennis
↓
a9a2ba65-72e6-4977-bdae-830f58d8297f.gif
- Uh, if you want. - It was a great musical, Charlie.
charliemusical
↓
a3394de7-d710-4f50-b0ff-2a891bd4aa3a.gif
You did a great job. (sighs) She ain't worth it.
aintsighsworth
↓
2a57f783-7452-4bde-bbfd-82c80d3c70ab.gif
Told you nobody just writes a musical for no reason.
musicalnobodyreasonwrites
↓
62a87b2d-f16e-4a2a-bd61-b162b96d6eee.gif
I am here. I am... I am past here.
past
↓
8deb76d8-d9db-4a58-b0ad-5f657e04298d.gif
And by the way, I thought the rape scene
rapescene
↓
26d2658c-74a3-401a-94a0-963f2abf7c94.gif
went really well. - I... I am here.
↓
24792757-a48c-4399-b902-e61d4d31ba2c.gif
And that was awful for me.
awful
↓
37ca87ad-f835-4f67-a617-6e906ae6b15a.gif
And if you bring this up back at the apartment tonight,
apartmentbringtonight
↓
e7f3e6d6-4880-4ed2-a3e6-50de2a97e4ce.gif
I am going to smack you. I swear to God.
smackswear