Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E13 — The Nightman Cometh

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 13 — The Nightman Cometh

(pool balls clack) (door opens)

#1

⇓

CHARLIE: #Come one, come all, to a beautiful show

#2

⇓

#It's gonna be awesome and some other stuff

#3

⇓

#Dee-dee-dee-dee Do-dee-dee-dee

#4

⇓

(laughs) #Some other musical stuff#

#5

⇓

- What ya doing, buddy? - I wrote a musical.

#6

⇓

- You wrote a musical? - Why? Why did you do that?

#7

⇓

Uh, just to write a musical. (scoffs)

#8

⇓

Does there have to be a reason? I don't think so.

#9

⇓

Yeah, there does. Nobody writes a musical for no reason.

#10

⇓

- It doesn't make sense. - All right. Well, this guy did.

#11

⇓

- So there you go. (chuckles) - Who's the mark?

#12

⇓

- What? - Oh.

#13

⇓

- Yeah. - No. There's no mark, guys.

#14

⇓

I wrote a musical. It's pretty damn good, okay?

#15

⇓

- I want to put it on. - Right, what's your angle?

#16

⇓

Yeah, whose face are we shoving this musical in?

#17

⇓

You don't shove a musical in someone's face.

#18

⇓

But who versus? Who are we doing it versus?

#19

⇓

Oh, my God. Are you guys gonna make this about this?

#20

⇓

I mean, look... I just wrote a musical to write a musical, okay?

#21

⇓

I don't have an ulterior motive here.

#22

⇓

I'm not trying to screw anyone or gain anything out of it.

#23

⇓

But you know what? If you guys don't want to be in it,

#24

⇓

I can find other people to play your parts.

#25

⇓

- Hang on there, pal. - Hang on. Hang on.

#26

⇓

We're just trying to wrap our heads around this.

#27

⇓

Yeah. I mean, there's no reason to give away our parts, all right?

#28

⇓

- All right. - No. We'll do it.

#29

⇓

- What's it called? - "The Nightman Cometh".

#30

⇓

(music)

#31

⇓

Okay. Gather around! Please, everybody!

#32

⇓

Uh, let's gather down front.

#33

⇓

#I feel the magic Do you feel the magic? #

#34

⇓

(chuckles) Here we go!

#35

⇓

- Now, you all know Artemis. - Yes.

#36

⇓

Artemis was kind enough to book for us this fine local theater.

#37

⇓

Okay. So, round of applause for Artemis.

#38

⇓

Uh, she also transcribed my work into a format you might consider

#39

⇓

a little bit more legible. - Or literate. She added words.

#40

⇓

(chuckling) All right.

#41

⇓

No more interruptions now, Dee. Thank you. Please.

#42

⇓

Charlie, I got a question for you. Who's playing this lead boy?

#43

⇓

- That's gonna be Mac. DENNIS: What?

#44

⇓

- Oh, yeah! Lead, of course. - Who's playing the Dayman?

#45

⇓

Well, the lead boy becomes the Dayman

#46

⇓

when he defeats the Nightman, so it's also Mac.

#47

⇓

Two parts? Oh, yeah!

#48

⇓

- Wait. That's bullshit. Bro... - The Nightman's a better role.

#49

⇓

He gets to play two roles? I mean, come on.

#50

⇓

- Well, it's the same person. - Who's playing the troll guy?

#51

⇓

- You're gonna play the troll guy. - I'm the troll guy?

#52

⇓

- Who else would be the troll? - Oh! I like that.

#53

⇓

CHARLIE: All right, good. - Can I do it naked?

#54

⇓

Absolutely not. Why would you want to be naked?

#55

⇓

Because in the '70s, everybody did theater naked.

#56

⇓

- Everybody got laid all the time. - All right.

#57

⇓

This is not the '70s. You're gonna do theater with your clothes on.

#58

⇓

Charlie, what the hell is this play about?

#59

⇓

I'm a princess who lives in a coffee shop?

#60

⇓

You work in a coffee shop! You don't live in a coffee shop.

#61

⇓

Well, why am I in love with a little boy?

#62

⇓

- You're in love with a young man. DEE: You wrote boy.

#63

⇓

All right. Well, man, boy, it's a metaphor.

#64

⇓

Well, the audience is gonna think I'm a child molester.

#65

⇓

I've changed my mind. I'm playing the Nightman.

#66

⇓

Why would you want to play the Nightman?

#67

⇓

The Nightman's badass, dude. He has the eyes of a cat

#68

⇓

and does karate across the stage. - Karate?

#69

⇓

- No, I made that up. - It's gonna be great.

#70

⇓

It frees up the lead boy role and the Dayman role. I can play both.

#71

⇓

I don't want you guys switching roles.

#72

⇓

Hey, Frank, you got a guy that does cat eyes?

#73

⇓

- I'm already on it. - Oh, my God. For the love of God.

#74

⇓

Uh, you know what? Let's just get started.

#75

⇓

CHARLIE: You guys ready? DENNIS: I'm ready.

#76

⇓

#Tiny boy, little boy Baby boy, I need you

#77

⇓

- Ah. Ooh. #Tiny boy, little boy

#78

⇓

#Want to make love to you, boy If you only knew...#

#79

⇓

Hold on a second. Uh, Charlie.

#80

⇓

- Yes. - Are you goddamn kidding me?

#81

⇓

- What? - "Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy"?

#82

⇓

- Yes? - You're wanting me to say

#83

⇓

I want to make love to a little baby, tiny boy.

#84

⇓

But I've explained this to you, Dee.

#85

⇓

I'm talking about the spirit of this man.

#86

⇓

- It's a metaphor, okay? - You keep using that word,

#87

⇓

but I'm not convinced you know what it means.

#88

⇓

And also, I'm not making out with Dennis later.

#89

⇓

It says we're supposed to do that and that's not gonna happen.

#90

⇓

Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that either, bro.

#91

⇓

This is why I didn't think you should be playing the boy, okay?

#92

⇓

What if it's just a sexually-charged embrace?

#93

⇓

Okay, Artemis, please don't talk to the talent.

#94

⇓

You know what? Um... All right.

#95

⇓

Screw this shit. If no one likes the song, I'm gonna cut the song.

#96

⇓

- Thank you. - No. Don't cut the song, man.

#97

⇓

- Dee, apologize to Charlie. - I'm not gonna do that.

#98

⇓

He wants me to bang this baby, and I don't feel comfortable.

#99

⇓

I think it's a bad idea to cut the song, Charlie.

#100

⇓

Thank you, Artemis. Thank you very much.

#101

⇓

All right. Could you give me a second with the talent here?

#102

⇓

Thank you. Uh, Dennis, could you take a five?

#103

⇓

Uh, well, I just don't want to cut the song, man.

#104

⇓

- I'd like for you to take a five. - Five... Five minutes?

#105

⇓

Can we have five now, please?

#106

⇓

Dee and I... Can I get... Can you have a five over there?

#107

⇓

Will you take a five, Dennis? Take a five, please!

#108

⇓

(sighing) Okay, Dee. The song is history.

#109

⇓

Thank you, Charlie. I appreciate that, 'cause I was uncomfortable.

#110

⇓

Yeah, I bet.

#111

⇓

What... What are we gonna sing instead? What should I sing?

#112

⇓

- Uh, what's on the back there? - It's the same, same song.

#113

⇓

- And what's on the very back page? - Nothing.

#114

⇓

Ah. Then that's what you'll be singing.

#115

⇓

- Charlie, this is my big song. - Yeah.

#116

⇓

Everybody else has a big song. I deserve to have one.

#117

⇓

- Do you? - Don't screw me like this, Charlie.

#118

⇓

Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee.

#119

⇓

Um, let me try and remember something.

#120

⇓

Uh, let's see. Was it... Did Dee write a musical

#121

⇓

and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical

#122

⇓

and came to Dee with it. And the gang.

#123

⇓

And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves,

#124

⇓

and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams.

#125

⇓

So let me tell you something, Dee.

#126

⇓

Let me break down a scenario for you.

#127

⇓

I could cut the song, okay? Because I wrote it.

#128

⇓

I could have Artemis do the song, okay?

#129

⇓

Because you did not write it.

#130

⇓

Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself.

#131

⇓

So you tell me, little Miss All That,

#132

⇓

what do you want to do? Song or no song?

#133

⇓

(mumbling) Well, song.

#134

⇓

(gasps) - Song? - Yeah. Song.

#135

⇓

So, you want to sing a song.

#136

⇓

I never... I never wasn't gonna sing the song.

#137

⇓

You are excited about singing a song, and you want to sing a song.

#138

⇓

- Yeah. I would like to do it. - Good!

#139

⇓

- Yeah, I'll... - So, back up on your podium you go.

#140

⇓

- Thank you. - Dennis, what are you doing?

#141

⇓

I'm eating because I'm very uncomfortable.

#142

⇓

Well, you guys are making...

#143

⇓

Can you just get on the stage? And can we finish this rehearsal?

#144

⇓

- It was really loud... - Don't start!

#145

⇓

Technically, that wasn't five minutes.

#146

⇓

Okay. You know what? You guys have me up to here.

#147

⇓

Okay, I'm here. I don't want to be here, okay?

#148

⇓

Now I have to play the piano, and I'm all up here.

#149

⇓

So let's... You know what? Let's try and get this down.

#150

⇓

Let's try and work this down a bit. Okay?

#151

⇓

And you know what's gonna do that? Learning the song.

#152

⇓

- The way it's written. - Let's do it.

#153

⇓

Back to the top. Five, six, seven, eight...

#154

⇓

#Gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole

#155

⇓

#You gotta pay the troll toll to get in

#156

⇓

#You want this baby boy's hole You gotta pay the troll toll...#

#157

⇓

Stop, stop, stop. All right. Um, not bad.

#158

⇓

Good rhythm. Love the enthusiasm.

#159

⇓

I feel like you're saying "boy's hole."

#160

⇓

And it's clearly "soul." And I know...

#161

⇓

Artemis, you did write "soul," right?

#162

⇓

- I did write "soul" definitely. - So it's "boy's soul."

#163

⇓

#You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole

#164

⇓

No, see? Right there. It sounds like "hole."

#165

⇓

- Like, if you drag that... - Are you chewing gum?

#166

⇓

- Yeah. - Give me the gum, okay?

#167

⇓

(stammering) The gum, Frank. Please.

#168

⇓

- He said no gum. - I said no gum, everyone.

#169

⇓

ARTEMIS: It's unprofessional. - Okay. Thank you.

#170

⇓

- Charlie, can I bring something up? - Yes.

#171

⇓

We have to be very careful about how we do the rape scene.

#172

⇓

DENNIS: Yeah.

#173

⇓

Well, what in God's name are you talking... There's no rape scene.

#174

⇓

Well, sure. Uh, I pay the troll toll, and then I rape Dennis.

#175

⇓

No. You don't rape him. You become him.

#176

⇓

- You do not rape him. FRANK: He doesn't?

#177

⇓

No. Look. (sighs)

#178

⇓

Let me just walk you guys through this, okay?

#179

⇓

Here's what happens. Once you've paid the toll...

#180

⇓

I want you to come over to Dennis, over by his bed here.

#181

⇓

- I'll be lying back. - You want me to cross the stage?

#182

⇓

This is a great opportunity to showcase some skills

#183

⇓

and like, just put on a clinic as I'm doing it.

#184

⇓

CHARLIE: I would... I would rather you didn't.

#185

⇓

- Okay, well, let's not... - Then I'll hop up, like a cat.

#186

⇓

- Like so. Meow. - Oh, Jesus Christ.

#187

⇓

Just leave it at that. Okay. Once he gets near you,

#188

⇓

you have to sense him, okay? Suddenly you sense him.

#189

⇓

What if I were to position him in a way where I get behind him

#190

⇓

and then Frank could throw that blanket that he's got over us.

#191

⇓

And then that way, you can't see the penetration.

#192

⇓

That's a good idea. Because the blanket will make the raping...

#193

⇓

I'm sorry, the sexing from behind, feel more classy.

#194

⇓

That's good. Then what I can do is thrust this way.

#195

⇓

- And you can struggle. - Now I'm here. Okay?

#196

⇓

I am... I'm past where I thought I could go.

#197

⇓

I'm like, all the way up here with it.

#198

⇓

- Oh, my God. You scared me! - Hey, you.

#199

⇓

I'm sorry. I dropped, like, a hundred-dollar bill under there,

#200

⇓

can't find it anywhere, and then... What are you doing walking here?

#201

⇓

- Is this one of your places? - Charlie, I have mace.

#202

⇓

Oh, my God. Check this out.

#203

⇓

Uh, I have a free ticket for you to see a musical that I wrote.

#204

⇓

Oh, wow! A free ticket to a play that I don't want to see.

#205

⇓

You don't want to see it? It's a front row seat.

#206

⇓

I don't care. I don't want to see your play.

#207

⇓

I'm gonna cut you a bargain, okay? You come and see this play...

#208

⇓

I didn't want to do this, but, if you come and see this play...

#209

⇓

I'm gonna leave you alone for the rest of your life.

#210

⇓

- Really? - Yeah.

#211

⇓

So you won't follow me home anymore?

#212

⇓

And you're not gonna call me at 3:00 in the morning

#213

⇓

and tell me that you are in the emergency room in the hospital

#214

⇓

because you had a terrible car accident.

#215

⇓

Yeah, well, it's great that you came.

#216

⇓

Well, you listed me as your emergency contact.

#217

⇓

Well, yeah. Because I consider you that.

#218

⇓

- I have to go! - Look. Ah... All right.

#219

⇓

I swear to God, I'm gonna leave you alone.

#220

⇓

I'm gonna stop listing you as my emergency contact.

#221

⇓

I'm gonna stop calling you if you see the musical.

#222

⇓

That's how much this means to me.

#223

⇓

- Nice. - Leave me alone.

#224

⇓

- You're not gonna regret it. - I regret it already.

#225

⇓

All right. (Charlie whistling)

#226

⇓

Charlie, what is going on, dude? When are we gonna start?

#227

⇓

We're gonna start when I'm ready to start.

#228

⇓

We were supposed to start 20 minutes ago.

#229

⇓

She's here! She's here! She's here!

#230

⇓

- Who's here? - Circle in, everybody.

#231

⇓

Can we get down in the middle? Can we get down front? Okay.

#232

⇓

Couple last-minute things. I just want to brief everyone.

#233

⇓

Artemis, can you bring in Gladys? This is Gladys.

#234

⇓

She's gonna be playing the piano instead of me tonight.

#235

⇓

- What? Why? - She knows all the songs.

#236

⇓

All right, Gladys, can you head out there and get us started?

#237

⇓

Oh, I forgot to tell you, Calvin Coolidge

#238

⇓

was a good friend of mine.

#239

⇓

You've been telling me that like, all morning.

#240

⇓

- How many times? - Like, 100 times, now.

#241

⇓

Well, at a certain point, I need you to stop telling

#242

⇓

the Calvin Coolidge story and start playing the piano...

#243

⇓

- Shh. - Don't shush me. Okay, now.

#244

⇓

DENNIS: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, dude.

#245

⇓

Just get her out there and get the play started.

#246

⇓

You can't be throwing us curveballs like this.

#247

⇓

- I'm hanging on by a thread. - Don't argue with me now, okay?

#248

⇓

We just gotta do this. Let's stick together.

#249

⇓

Real quickly, okay? Just a couple of things.

#250

⇓

I can't really move my arms in this. So, I think I need to rip the pit.

#251

⇓

Do not rip that costume, okay? It's very expensive.

#252

⇓

Fine. But one other thing. I wrote a song. I'm gonna throw it in.

#253

⇓

I swear to God, you cannot add a song.

#254

⇓

- It's gonna happen. - I will smack your face off.

#255

⇓

- Okay. - Do not add a song!

#256

⇓

(piano playing) It's starting. Okay, go, go! You gotta go.

#257

⇓

DENNIS: I'm not ready, dude. I don't think I can do this.

#258

⇓

- Just get out there. - I don't think I can do this.

#259

⇓

You're gonna be fine. Go change...

#260

⇓

(piano playing) (muffled arguing)

#261

⇓

Do not rip that costume! (groans)

#262

⇓

(up-tempo piano playing)

#263

⇓

- What is this strange feeling? - I feel so strange inside.

#264

⇓

- It's so strange, but appealing. - I feel good. Ooh.

#265

⇓

#Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy, I need you

#266

⇓

#Tiny boy, little boy I want to touch you, boy

#267

⇓

#If you only knew What I'd do to you

#268

⇓

#If I was that boy that's inside of you

#269

⇓

#Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy

#270

⇓

#I need you Tiny boy, little boy

#271

⇓

#Want to make love to you, boy

#272

⇓

#If you only knew What I'd do to you

#273

⇓

#If I was that boy that's inside of you

#274

⇓

#Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy Inside, inside, inside of you

#275

⇓

BOTH: #My boy#

#276

⇓

BOTH (sigh): Oh, boy.

#277

⇓

(applause)

#278

⇓

#Just to be clear I did not write that song

#279

⇓

#And have never had sex with a child

#280

⇓

#Just to be clear Just to be clear

#281

⇓

What... What is happening?

#282

⇓

#Most men find me to be an eight or nine out of 10

#283

⇓

#And I am available to any interested men

#284

⇓

#Who'd like to get my number after the show#

#285

⇓

Keep singing, bitch.

#286

⇓

You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you.

#287

⇓

- What the hell is she doing? - She's bombing like crazy.

#288

⇓

What an idiot. I was awesome though, right?

#289

⇓

You? No, dude. You totally froze up out there. You sucked.

#290

⇓

Um, I was hearing a lot of laughs out there, bro.

#291

⇓

Laughs are cheap. (applause)

#292

⇓

I'm going for gasps. Wait till you see it, dude.

#293

⇓

Gasps are where it's at. I gotta go pop my cat eyes in.

#294

⇓

(piano plays)

#295

⇓

(hisses) (laughing)

#296

⇓

We're getting a lot of laughs. That's good.

#297

⇓

This is not a comedy, okay? No one's supposed to be laughing.

#298

⇓

(snapping fingers) You came at the right time.

#299

⇓

- Is he sleeping? - Yes. He's sleeping over there.

#300

⇓

Just the way you like 'em. Did you bring the toll?

#301

⇓

Confound your lousy toll, troll. (hisses)

#302

⇓

(laughter)

#303

⇓

God damn it. Stop laughing at me.

#304

⇓

#You gotta pay the troll toll

#305

⇓

#If you want to get into that boy's hole

#306

⇓

#You gotta pay the troll toll to get in

#307

⇓

#You want the baby boy's hole You gotta pay the troll toll

#308

⇓

#You gotta pay the troll toll to get in

#309

⇓

#Troll toll

#310

⇓

#What'd you say Troll toll

#311

⇓

#Hey, hey, hey Troll toll#

#312

⇓

- Here's your toll, troll. - Your boy awaits.

#313

⇓

At last. The boy's soul is mine.

#314

⇓

(grunting) (laughter)

#315

⇓

(snoring) (gasps)

#316

⇓

- Give me that leg, boy. - No.

#317

⇓

DENNIS: Do you have a boner? MAC: Shut up. Don't ruin this.

#318

⇓

DENNIS: What? What the hell are... Jesus! Okay, stop.

#319

⇓

(thumping) - That's enough, dude. - Ow. Oh. God.

#320

⇓

I am going to smack everyone into tiny little pieces.

#321

⇓

Hello, boy!

#322

⇓

Come here and scratch my itchy-witchy toesy-woesies.

#323

⇓

- No. - What? Get over here.

#324

⇓

- No, Antonio. - I control you.

#325

⇓

You control nothing. I am not your slave anymore.

#326

⇓

And I am not a boy. I am a man. See?

#327

⇓

I was transformed by the strong,

#328

⇓

musky power of true love.

#329

⇓

I am now the Dayman.

#330

⇓

What the hell is that?

#331

⇓

You know what it is, bitch. Bang!

#332

⇓

(groaning) Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

#333

⇓

(piano plays ominously) (hisses)

#334

⇓

(audience laughing)

#335

⇓

- Where's the boy? - The boy is gone.

#336

⇓

- You can't tell me what to do. - I didn't tell you what to...

#337

⇓

- You're skipping a line, dude. - Yeah, uh...

#338

⇓

- You can't tell me what to... - You're still skipping the line.

#339

⇓

Just move past it, 'cause I can't remember what it is, and...

#340

⇓

God, it's crazy how much better I am at acting than you.

#341

⇓

- I'm going to kick your ass, bro. - I'll tell you what!

#342

⇓

I am the ruler of darkness! I am the master of light.

#343

⇓

- I am the Dayman. - Whatever, bro.

#344

⇓

- Here's your whatever, bitch. - What? No, don't improv.

#345

⇓

(both grunting)

#346

⇓

(groans) (screams)

#347

⇓

Whoo! (laughs)

#348

⇓

(shouting) Body bag! (groans)

#349

⇓

(growls) - No. - Yes.

#350

⇓

No. No!

#351

⇓

(both yelling) (gasps)

#352

⇓

(exhales) (piano imitating heartbeat)

#353

⇓

(heartbeat slows) (gasps)

#354

⇓

(groans) (gasps)

#355

⇓

You have defeated the evil that was here.

#356

⇓

Naturally, for I am the Dayman.

#357

⇓

(gasps) You once were a boy, and now you are a man,

#358

⇓

and I am in love with you. - That's right.

#359

⇓

And now I am in love with you.

#360

⇓

#Dayman (both vocalizing)

#361

⇓

BOTH: #Fighter of the Nightman

#362

⇓

(vocalizing) #Champion of the sun

#363

⇓

(vocalizing)

#364

⇓

#You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone

#365

⇓

#Dayman Dayman, Dayman, Dayman

#366

⇓

#Fighter of the Nightman

#367

⇓

#Champion of the sun The sun, the sun, the sun

#368

⇓

#You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone

#369

⇓

#Dayman (vocalizing)

#370

⇓

#Fighter of the Nightman (vocalizing)

#371

⇓

#Champion of the sun (vocalizing)

#372

⇓

#You're a master of karate And friendship for everyone

#373

⇓

#Dayman#

#374

⇓

- Stage freeze! - Don't say that. Just do it.

#375

⇓

(off-key vocalizing)

#376

⇓

#I was that little boy That little baby boy was me

#377

⇓

#I once was a boy but now I am a man

#378

⇓

#I fought the Nightman Lived as Dayman

#379

⇓

#Now I'm here To ask for your hand

#380

⇓

#So if you want to marry, man Will you marry me

#381

⇓

#Will you come on stage and join me

#382

⇓

#In this thing called matrimony

#383

⇓

#Please say yes And do not bone me

#384

⇓

#Please just marry Me#

#385

⇓

- Is that it? - Uh...

#386

⇓

- Is the play over? - Yeah.

#387

⇓

Okay. Great. Well, then I'm out of here.

#388

⇓

(chuckles nervously) Hang on. Hang on a second.

#389

⇓

- Hang on. Is it a yes, or... - "Is it a yes?"

#390

⇓

Really, Charlie? Will I marry you?

#391

⇓

No. No, I will not. I will never marry you.

#392

⇓

And I also held up my end of the bargain,

#393

⇓

so I never have to see you again. - Okay. So wait. Just...

#394

⇓

I'm sorry. I want to get this clear. Uh, you are saying no?

#395

⇓

Oh, I am definitely, definitely saying no.

#396

⇓

Okay. Well, I didn't ever sign anything.

#397

⇓

So, um, I'll see you tomorrow?

#398

⇓

That's it. You can go home. It's over.

#399

⇓

DENNIS: Well, we're gonna do a bow. - Yeah?

#400

⇓

- Uh, if you want. - It was a great musical, Charlie.

#401

⇓

You did a great job. (sighs) She ain't worth it.

#402

⇓

Told you nobody just writes a musical for no reason.

#403

⇓

I am here. I am... I am past here.

#404

⇓

And by the way, I thought the rape scene

#405

⇓

went really well. - I... I am here.

#406

⇓

And that was awful for me.

#407

⇓

And if you bring this up back at the apartment tonight,

#408

⇓

I am going to smack you. I swear to God.

#409

⇓