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I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson

Season 1, Episode 5 โ€” I'm Wearing One of Their Belts Right Now

TMDB episode metadata
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[engine revs]
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-[tires screech] -[crashing]
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-Is everyone okay? -What happened? Did anyone see?
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Someone drove a hot-dog-shaped car through the window!
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The driver's gone.
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Somebody call the cops. We need to find that driver.
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They could have killed someone.
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[woman] Whose car is this?
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Yeah, come on! Whoever did this, just confess.
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We promise we won't be mad.
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What?
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We'll close our eyes,
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just take your car and get out of here.
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Sir, that's clearly your car.
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Wrong!
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-Someone call the police! -Yeah, that's one idea.
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Or we could work as a team,
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find out whoever did this, and punish him ourselves.
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Maybe take his bare butt out of his costume and spank him.
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Maybe you could do it, sir.
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Not gonna happen.
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-Okay, you. -No.
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Well, one of us is gonna have to do it.
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No one's getting spanked.
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[sighs] You know what's driving me nuts?
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It could literally be any one of us. Ooh-ooh!
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No, it couldn't. You're dressed like a hot dog.
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So is that guy.
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Oh, no.
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Donald might look like a hot dog,
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but you're wearing an actual hot-dog costume.
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You know, I don't have to sit here and be insulted like this.
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I'm just gonna take as many suits as I can grab,
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get in that random hot-dog car...
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โ™ช Ran-dom! โ™ช
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...and drive back to Wiener Hall.
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-Oh, my God. What happened here? -[hot dog man] Yeah.
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We're all trying to find the guy who did this
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-and give him a spanking. -It's obviously this guy, right?
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-[woman] Yes. -I have a name.
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What's your name?
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[sighs]
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We've been sitting here talking all day,
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and you all never bothered to learn my name.
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[chuckles]
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We're so... buried in our phones.
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Instead of giving someone a real smile...
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we send an emoji. [scoffs]
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I mean, we don't even...
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look at porn on our computer anymore.
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We look at it on our phone?
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Pornhub, Xtube...
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I know these names better than I know my own grandmother's.
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YouPorn,
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XXN,
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RedTube...
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panty jobs, homegrown Simpsons stuff.
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All great, but I ask you this.
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If I was a big old guy with a big burly white beard...
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would you still be yelling at me?
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Or would you be spanking my bare butt, balls and back?
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Think about that for one second.
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I guess if nobody wants this car,
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I'll take it.
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-Let's get him. -Yeah, right, you piece of dog shit!
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-Stop! Hey, you! -You're fucking dog shit!
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["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]
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-Hey, what's up, dude? -Hey, what's good, man?
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-Hey, what's up, dude? -Hey, what's good, man?
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-How are you? -I'm good.
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-How are you? -I'm good.
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Oh, my God.
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Oh, my God.
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Is that Caleb Went?
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Is that Caleb Went?
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[man] Yeah, it's kind of nuts, right?
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[man] Yeah, it's kind of nuts, right?
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He and Dane are buddies.
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He and Dane are buddies.
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-Dane's friends with Caleb Went? -Mm-hm.
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-Dane's friends with Caleb Went? -Mm-hm.
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Oh, my...
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Oh, my...
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Okay!
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Okay!
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Dude, I am such a big fan of his Angels and Archways clothing.
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Dude, I am such a big fan of his Angels and Archways clothing.
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My belt right now, it's a studded leather belt
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My belt right now, it's a studded leather belt
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that's from Angels and Archways.
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that's from Angels and Archways.
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Okay, chill out, dude.
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Okay, chill out, dude.
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I'm chill. I'm just, like, such a huge fan of his music and his acting.
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I'm chill. I'm just, like, such a huge fan of his music and his acting.
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-He's just a dude. -I just...
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-He's just a dude. -I just...
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-hope I don't say or do anything stupid. -You'll be fine.
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-hope I don't say or do anything stupid. -You'll be fine.
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-You're a grown man. -I know, but--
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-You're a grown man. -I know, but--
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You'll be fine.
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You'll be fine.
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[chokes]
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[chokes]
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Tim, are you all right?
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Tim, are you all right?
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Are you choking?
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Are you choking?
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-If you're choking, let me know. -[chokes]
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-If you're choking, let me know. -[chokes]
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I'm gonna hit you with the Hei--
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I'm gonna hit you with the Hei--
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No, what the fuck are you doing? This is Caleb fucking Went. Just sit down.
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No, what the fuck are you doing? This is Caleb fucking Went. Just sit down.
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You're gonna die because you're too embarrassed
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You're gonna die because you're too embarrassed
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to choke in front of Caleb Went?
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to choke in front of Caleb Went?
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-Unbelievable. -Poppers are here. Who wants one?
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-Unbelievable. -Poppers are here. Who wants one?
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[choked] Poppers! Yo!
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[choked] Poppers! Yo!
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I could save your life right now. Don't eat... You can't eat that.
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I could save your life right now. Don't eat... You can't eat that.
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-Can you breathe right now? -[choked] Chill. Oh, you the man, dude.
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-Can you breathe right now? -[choked] Chill. Oh, you the man, dude.
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-You're... about to die! -[splutters]
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-You're... about to die! -[splutters]
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-Tim... Hey, stop. -[choking]
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-Tim... Hey, stop. -[choking]
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It doesn't stink, it's regular water.
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It doesn't stink, it's regular water.
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[choked] Something about it stinks.
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[choked] Something about it stinks.
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[man] Let's get a toast going.
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[man] Let's get a toast going.
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-Yeah. -[choked] Yes, yes.
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-Yeah. -[choked] Yes, yes.
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[choked] Caleb...
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[choked] Caleb...
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-to you and yours. -Thank you.
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-to you and yours. -Thank you.
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[Tim, choked] I propose a toast.
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[Tim, choked] I propose a toast.
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To friends.
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To friends.
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And friendship in a... In a tradition... In a tradition.
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And friendship in a... In a tradition... In a tradition.
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Cheers!
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Cheers!
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-I'm calling 911. -[choked] Put your fucking phone away!
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-I'm calling 911. -[choked] Put your fucking phone away!
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-I'm with my friend. He's choking. -[choked] This guy's on the phone.
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-I'm with my friend. He's choking. -[choked] This guy's on the phone.
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The Pig in the Blanket.
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The Pig in the Blanket.
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Yeah, okay. Great. Thank you.
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Yeah, okay. Great. Thank you.
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They're coming.
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They're coming.
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[choked groan]
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[choked groan]
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That doesn't stink, you're choking to death.
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That doesn't stink, you're choking to death.
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[choked] Oh, it stinks.
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[choked] Oh, it stinks.
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-[siren wailing] -Tim...
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-[siren wailing] -Tim...
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[choked] What the heck? What the hell's going on out there?
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[choked] What the heck? What the hell's going on out there?
โ†“
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What the hell is that that's going on out there?
โ†“
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What the hell is that that's going on out there?
โ†“
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What the... I got to check this out to make sure that nobody hit my car,
โ†“
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the Ferrari.
โ†“
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the Ferrari.
โ†“
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[grunts
โ†“
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[yells]
โ†“
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[yells]
โ†“
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-[grunts] -[paramedic] Come on.
โ†“
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-[grunts] -[paramedic] Come on.
โ†“
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["Days Away" by Speed Not Steel playing]
โ†“
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["Days Away" by Speed Not Steel playing]
โ†“
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โ™ช To have thought what you thinkย โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช Just to float and not sinkย โ™ช
โ†“
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["Blending Soul" by Soul Blenders playing]
โ†“
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["Blending Soul" by Soul Blenders playing]
โ†“
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Whoa, is this the new copier?
โ†“
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It sure is, Dennis. They installed it this morning.
โ†“
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Can't believe Corporate actually listened to our request.
โ†“
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Yep, I guess Christmas came early this year.
โ†“
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Yep, I guess Christmas came early this year.
โ†“
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[all laughing]
โ†“
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[all laughing]
โ†“
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This thing rules. It collates, staples pages.
โ†“
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-No more stapling by hand. -Yeah, Santa should have wrapped it.
โ†“
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-No more stapling by hand. -Yeah, Santa should have wrapped it.
โ†“
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-What? -The printer.
โ†“
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Santa should have wrapped it when he gave it early.
โ†“
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Santa should have wrapped it when he gave it early.
โ†“
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Oh...
โ†“
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Oh...
โ†“
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This is gonna make our lives so much easier.
โ†“
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I know. This is so much nicer than the old copier.
โ†“
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I know. This is so much nicer than the old copier.
โ†“
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Yeah, I know.
โ†“
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And Santa and all his elves must have worked so hard on it,
โ†“
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and then they gave it to us early.
โ†“
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and then they gave it to us early.
โ†“
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It's a very nice printer, Tracy.
โ†“
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Just make sure no one copies their rear end.
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[all laughing]
โ†“
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[all laughing]
โ†“
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[in husky voice] Oh, that naughty old elf
โ†“
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must be one mean bastard to give us this so early.
โ†“
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must be one mean bastard to give us this so early.
โ†“
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-What? -[in normal voice] Did I stutter, Megan?
โ†“
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-What? -[in normal voice] Did I stutter, Megan?
โ†“
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-Santa Claus-- -Okay, it looks like the printer
โ†“
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has gotten everyone a little too excited.
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Of course it did.
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Of course it did.
โ†“
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Santa himself brought this here early,
โ†“
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with Rudolph,
โ†“
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with Rudolph,
โ†“
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and now it's causing a fight.
โ†“
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-It was just an expression. -I know that.
โ†“
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I'm not stupid.
โ†“
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I'm not stupid.
โ†“
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I'm smarter than you!
โ†“
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I'm smarter than you!
โ†“
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Everyone just go back to work.
โ†“
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Are we even gonna get anything now?
โ†“
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Are we even gonna get anything now?
โ†“
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-What? -'Cause I didn't ask for that.
โ†“
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-What? -'Cause I didn't ask for that.
โ†“
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Does that count as what I get for Christmas as my gift?
โ†“
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Does that count as what I get for Christmas as my gift?
โ†“
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[sorrowful version of "Silent Night" playing]
โ†“
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[sorrowful version of "Silent Night" playing]
โ†“
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Steve makes one Christmas joke,
โ†“
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Steve makes one Christmas joke,
โ†“
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and you all shit yourselves laughing.
โ†“
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and you all shit yourselves laughing.
โ†“
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It's the talk of the office?
โ†“
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But I make hundreds...
โ†“
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But I make hundreds...
โ†“
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of on par, if not better,
โ†“
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of on par, if not better,
โ†“
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and everyone ices me?
โ†“
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I'm not popular at all!
โ†“
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Whoa, looks like Christmas came early.
โ†“
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Whoa, looks like Christmas came early.
โ†“
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[yelling] Santa brought it early!
โ†“
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[chuckling]
โ†“
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I guess he did. Good one.
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I guess he did. Good one.
โ†“
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โ™ช And you lay your head in the river โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช And you lay your head in the river โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช And He shall set you freeย โ™ช
โ†“
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We're sorry. Gospel records ain't selling no more.
โ†“
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We're sorry. Gospel records ain't selling no more.
โ†“
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It's originals the kids want.
โ†“
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The don't want to hear songs they can hear in church.
โ†“
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Sir, it's not a gospel song, it's a new arrangement.
โ†“
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Sir, it's not a gospel song, it's a new arrangement.
โ†“
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It's not about the arrangement, kid.
โ†“
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It's not about the arrangement, kid.
โ†“
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It's just... not new.
โ†“
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It's just... not new.
โ†“
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Sorry.
โ†“
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Thank you for coming in.
โ†“
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It's originals you want?
โ†“
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[playing guitar]
โ†“
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โ™ช The church bells, they were ringing โ™ช
โ†“
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Follow my lead in G.
โ†“
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Follow my lead in G.
โ†“
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โ™ช He rode into town on a jet-black mareย โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช Spat and hitched her to a treeย โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช He made his way to the town saloonย โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช And from all over โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช He aimed his shooter at my crownย โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช He cocked that crooked hammer back โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช He cocked that crooked hammer back โ™ช
โ†“
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Exactly.
โ†“
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โ™ช In our world, bones equal dollarsย โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช That's why they're coming out tonightย โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช All they want is another chance at life โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช And the worms are their moneyย โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช The bones are their dollars And-- โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช The bullet ripped inside my chestย โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช The clouds, they did stormย โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช But if they pull it out They turn to bonesย โ™ช
โ†“
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Yes!
โ†“
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Yes!
โ†“
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What the hell was that, man? I had a whole song wrote.
โ†“
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What? I honestly thought we were just making that up.
โ†“
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What are you talking about? They were interested
โ†“
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What are you talking about? They were interested
โ†“
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till you started talking about all that skeleton stuff.
โ†“
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till you started talking about all that skeleton stuff.
โ†“
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Are you kidding me?
โ†“
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The guy asked for something spooky.
โ†“
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-No, he didn't. -Yeah, he did. He said,
โ†“
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"Gospel's not selling. Give me something spooky."
โ†“
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You talked about how their bones were money, like, four times.
โ†“
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Yeah, that's 'cause I had forgot whether I'd said it or not.
โ†“
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All right, sir, look,
โ†“
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All right, sir, look,
โ†“
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we know our song's good.
โ†“
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we know our song's good.
โ†“
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We got a deal or not?
โ†“
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Well, we were a little more interested in the parts Billy was singing.
โ†“
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Well, we were a little more interested in the parts Billy was singing.
โ†“
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Billy as in me, or Billy as in him?
โ†“
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Billy as in me, or Billy as in him?
โ†“
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Your name's Billy too?
โ†“
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No, that's why I'm so fucking confused.
โ†“
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No, that's why I'm so fucking confused.
โ†“
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I meant that Billy.
โ†“
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I meant that Billy.
โ†“
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โ†“
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Parents' night out.
โ†“
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Parents' night out.
โ†“
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I can't wait to see everyone here.
โ†“
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Yeah. Especially Barry.
โ†“
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Yeah. Especially Barry.
โ†“
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We don't hang out as much anymore, but I really like him.
โ†“
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We don't hang out as much anymore, but I really like him.
โ†“
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Hey, we're a little late.
โ†“
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Hey, we're a little late.
โ†“
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If anyone asks, let's just say the babysitter was late.
โ†“
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If anyone asks, let's just say the babysitter was late.
โ†“
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-Oh, that's a great idea. -Yeah.
โ†“
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-Oh, that's a great idea. -Yeah.
โ†“
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[man] Hi, everyone.
โ†“
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Sorry we're late.
โ†“
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Sorry we're late.
โ†“
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Yeah, fucking babysitter.
โ†“
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Absolutely fucked us.
โ†“
8696c607-b617-4b59-8c4a-6bd66b4af105.gif
I fucking hate her. Such an idiot.
โ†“
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It wasn't that bad.
โ†“
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I hope she had a good excuse.
โ†“
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I hope she had a good excuse.
โ†“
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She did, yeah.
โ†“
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-Alan. -Oh, sorry.
โ†“
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Yeah. Yeah, she did. Yeah, it was just... It was, like, a hit-and-run.
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Oh, my God.
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Oh, my God.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Should we call the cops?
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Yeah, no, we did, but it's okay,
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'cause the cops said that, like, the people she hit
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are just kind of like nothing, so it's fine.
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are just kind of like nothing, so it's fine.
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What do you mean, the people were just kind of nothing?
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They're just, like, not important, like, they don't matter.
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They're just, like, not important, like, they don't matter.
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Like, there's, like, no records of 'em.
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So, like, they're homeless?
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No, they're just, like, nothing.
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Like, they're not even supposed to be around in the area.
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Bottom line is, no one's gonna get in trouble,
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Bottom line is, no one's gonna get in trouble,
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nobody should feel sad at all.
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The cops were just like, "Oh, yeah, this is fine.
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Don't worry about it at all."
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The cops aren't even gonna, like, follow up on it
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because, like, the people are, like, already dead.
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Oh, my God, they're dead?
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Oh, my God, they're dead?
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Yeah. Yeah, they're dead.
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Barry, can I talk to you for a second?
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Sure.
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If you keep talking about the hit-and-run, I'm gonna fucking kill you.
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If you keep talking about the hit-and-run, I'm gonna fucking kill you.
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A hit-and-run is a felony.
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It's not a problem!
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It's not a problem!
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The cops came,
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they said it's fine.
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-They're not, like, real people, kinda. -The cops said that?
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If you keep asking me questions, I'm gonna beat the crap out of you.
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What? Really?
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No.
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I mean, yeah.
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I'm gonna beat the crap out of you.
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Because I was asking questions?
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[groans] I'm gonna embarrass you at this party, Barry.
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-What? -I'm gonna embarrass you, Barry.
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It's done.
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Get ready to be embarrassed.
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-[music stops] -So we're at the Lions game--
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The Lions?
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Like the animal... from the circus?
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They were playing a game?
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[laughs] I'm just trying to understand here.
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I was talking about the football team.
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Yeah, everyone knows what he's talking about.
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My mistake.
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[suspenseful music resumes]
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[inaudible]
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[music stops]
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[man] Oh, my God!
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Barry just palmed the dip.
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He's trying to steal spinach dip, Barry is!
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He pushed my hand in there.
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Oh, my God!
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-You're gonna tell on me? -Would you lay off me?
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[suspenseful music resumes]
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Hey, honey. Having fun?
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No, your fricking babysitter idea got me in huge trouble.
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-Now I have to embarrass Barry. -What?
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Hold on. He's by the china cabinet.
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[yells]
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Oh, my God!
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Barry fell into the china cabinet!
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What a klutz!
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I told you. I told you I was gonna embarrass you, Barry.
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Now we're even. Come on.
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We can hang out and have a good time now.
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I can't believe that.
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["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]