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I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson
» S01E05 — I'm Wearing One of Their Belts Right Now
I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson
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Season 1, Episode 5 — I'm Wearing One of Their Belts Right Now
[engine revs]
#1
⇓
-[tires screech] -[crashing]
#2
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-Is everyone okay? -What happened? Did anyone see?
#3
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Someone drove a hot-dog-shaped car through the window!
#4
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The driver's gone.
#5
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Somebody call the cops. We need to find that driver.
#6
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They could have killed someone.
#7
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[woman] Whose car is this?
#8
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Yeah, come on! Whoever did this, just confess.
#9
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We promise we won't be mad.
#10
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What?
#11
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We'll close our eyes,
#12
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just take your car and get out of here.
#13
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Sir, that's clearly your car.
#14
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Wrong!
#15
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-Someone call the police! -Yeah, that's one idea.
#16
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Or we could work as a team,
#17
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find out whoever did this, and punish him ourselves.
#18
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Maybe take his bare butt out of his costume and spank him.
#19
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Maybe you could do it, sir.
#20
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Not gonna happen.
#21
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-Okay, you. -No.
#22
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Well, one of us is gonna have to do it.
#23
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No one's getting spanked.
#24
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[sighs] You know what's driving me nuts?
#25
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It could literally be any one of us. Ooh-ooh!
#26
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No, it couldn't. You're dressed like a hot dog.
#27
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So is that guy.
#28
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Oh, no.
#29
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Donald might look like a hot dog,
#30
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but you're wearing an actual hot-dog costume.
#31
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You know, I don't have to sit here and be insulted like this.
#32
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I'm just gonna take as many suits as I can grab,
#33
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get in that random hot-dog car...
#34
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♪ Ran-dom! ♪
#35
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...and drive back to Wiener Hall.
#36
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-Oh, my God. What happened here? -[hot dog man] Yeah.
#37
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We're all trying to find the guy who did this
#38
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-and give him a spanking. -It's obviously this guy, right?
#39
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-[woman] Yes. -I have a name.
#40
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What's your name?
#41
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[sighs]
#42
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-Perfect. -[pensive piano music playing]
#43
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We've been sitting here talking all day,
#44
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and you all never bothered to learn my name.
#45
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[chuckles]
#46
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We're so... buried in our phones.
#47
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Instead of giving someone a real smile...
#48
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we send an emoji. [scoffs]
#49
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I mean, we don't even...
#50
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look at porn on our computer anymore.
#51
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We look at it on our phone?
#52
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Pornhub, Xtube...
#53
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I know these names better than I know my own grandmother's.
#54
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YouPorn,
#55
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XXN,
#56
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RedTube...
#57
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panty jobs, homegrown Simpsons stuff.
#58
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All great, but I ask you this.
#59
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If I was a big old guy with a big burly white beard...
#60
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would you still be yelling at me?
#61
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Or would you be spanking my bare butt, balls and back?
#62
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Think about that for one second.
#63
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I guess if nobody wants this car,
#64
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I'll take it.
#65
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-Let's get him. -Yeah, right, you piece of dog shit!
#66
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-Stop! Hey, you! -You're fucking dog shit!
#67
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["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]
#68
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[indistinct conversation]
#69
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-Hey, what's up, dude? -Hey, what's good, man?
#70
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-How are you? -I'm good.
#71
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Oh, my God.
#72
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Is that Caleb Went?
#73
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[man] Yeah, it's kind of nuts, right?
#74
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He and Dane are buddies.
#75
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-Dane's friends with Caleb Went? -Mm-hm.
#76
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Oh, my...
#77
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Okay!
#78
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Dude, I am such a big fan of his Angels and Archways clothing.
#79
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My belt right now, it's a studded leather belt
#80
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that's from Angels and Archways.
#81
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Okay, chill out, dude.
#82
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I'm chill. I'm just, like, such a huge fan of his music and his acting.
#83
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-He's just a dude. -I just...
#84
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-hope I don't say or do anything stupid. -You'll be fine.
#85
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-You're a grown man. -I know, but--
#86
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You'll be fine.
#87
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[chokes]
#88
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Tim, are you all right?
#89
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Are you choking?
#90
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-If you're choking, let me know. -[chokes]
#91
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I'm gonna hit you with the Hei--
#92
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No, what the fuck are you doing? This is Caleb fucking Went. Just sit down.
#93
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You're gonna die because you're too embarrassed
#94
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to choke in front of Caleb Went?
#95
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-Unbelievable. -Poppers are here. Who wants one?
#96
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[choked] Poppers! Yo!
#97
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I could save your life right now. Don't eat... You can't eat that.
#98
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-Can you breathe right now? -[choked] Chill. Oh, you the man, dude.
#99
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-You're... about to die! -[splutters]
#100
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-Tim... Hey, stop. -[choking]
#101
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It doesn't stink, it's regular water.
#102
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[choked] Something about it stinks.
#103
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[man] Let's get a toast going.
#104
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-Yeah. -[choked] Yes, yes.
#105
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[choked] Caleb...
#106
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-to you and yours. -Thank you.
#107
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[Tim, choked] I propose a toast.
#108
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To friends.
#109
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And friendship in a... In a tradition... In a tradition.
#110
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Cheers!
#111
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-I'm calling 911. -[choked] Put your fucking phone away!
#112
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-I'm with my friend. He's choking. -[choked] This guy's on the phone.
#113
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The Pig in the Blanket.
#114
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Yeah, okay. Great. Thank you.
#115
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They're coming.
#116
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[choked groan]
#117
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That doesn't stink, you're choking to death.
#118
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[choked] Oh, it stinks.
#119
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-[siren wailing] -Tim...
#120
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[choked] What the heck? What the hell's going on out there?
#121
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What the hell is that that's going on out there?
#122
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What the hell is that that's going on out there?
#123
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What the... I got to check this out to make sure that nobody hit my car,
#124
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the Ferrari.
#125
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[grunts
#126
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[yells]
#127
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-[grunts] -[paramedic] Come on.
#128
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["Days Away" by Speed Not Steel playing]
#129
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["Blending Soul" by Soul Blenders playing]
#133
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Whoa, is this the new copier?
#134
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It sure is, Dennis. They installed it this morning.
#135
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Can't believe Corporate actually listened to our request.
#136
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Yep, I guess Christmas came early this year.
#137
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[all laughing]
#138
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This thing rules. It collates, staples pages.
#139
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-No more stapling by hand. -Yeah, Santa should have wrapped it.
#140
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-What? -The printer.
#141
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Santa should have wrapped it when he gave it early.
#142
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Oh...
#143
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This is gonna make our lives so much easier.
#144
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I know. This is so much nicer than the old copier.
#145
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Yeah, I know.
#146
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And Santa and all his elves must have worked so hard on it,
#147
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and then they gave it to us early.
#148
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It's a very nice printer, Tracy.
#149
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Just make sure no one copies their rear end.
#150
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[all laughing]
#151
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[in husky voice] Oh, that naughty old elf
#152
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must be one mean bastard to give us this so early.
#153
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-What? -[in normal voice] Did I stutter, Megan?
#154
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-Santa Claus-- -Okay, it looks like the printer
#155
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has gotten everyone a little too excited.
#156
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Of course it did.
#157
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Santa himself brought this here early,
#158
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with Rudolph,
#159
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and now it's causing a fight.
#160
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-It was just an expression. -I know that.
#161
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I'm not stupid.
#162
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I'm smarter than you!
#163
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Everyone just go back to work.
#164
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Are we even gonna get anything now?
#165
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-What? -'Cause I didn't ask for that.
#166
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Does that count as what I get for Christmas as my gift?
#167
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[sorrowful version of "Silent Night" playing]
#168
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Steve makes one Christmas joke,
#169
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and you all shit yourselves laughing.
#170
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It's the talk of the office?
#171
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But I make hundreds...
#172
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of on par, if not better,
#173
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and everyone ices me?
#174
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I'm not popular at all!
#175
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Whoa, looks like Christmas came early.
#176
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[yelling] Santa brought it early!
#177
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[chuckling]
#178
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I guess he did. Good one.
#179
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♪ And you lay your head in the river ♪
#182
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We're sorry. Gospel records ain't selling no more.
#184
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It's originals the kids want.
#185
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The don't want to hear songs they can hear in church.
#186
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Sir, it's not a gospel song, it's a new arrangement.
#187
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It's not about the arrangement, kid.
#188
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It's just... not new.
#189
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Sorry.
#190
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Thank you for coming in.
#191
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It's originals you want?
#192
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[playing guitar]
#193
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♪ The church bells, they were ringing ♪
#194
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Follow my lead in G.
#198
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♪ And from all over ♪
#205
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♪ He cocked that crooked hammer back ♪
#208
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Exactly.
#210
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♪ All they want is another chance at life ♪
#217
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♪ The bones are their dollars And-- ♪
#221
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Yes!
#233
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What the hell was that, man? I had a whole song wrote.
#234
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What? I honestly thought we were just making that up.
#235
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What are you talking about? They were interested
#236
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till you started talking about all that skeleton stuff.
#237
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Are you kidding me?
#238
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The guy asked for something spooky.
#239
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-No, he didn't. -Yeah, he did. He said,
#240
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"Gospel's not selling. Give me something spooky."
#241
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You talked about how their bones were money, like, four times.
#242
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Yeah, that's 'cause I had forgot whether I'd said it or not.
#243
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All right, sir, look,
#244
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we know our song's good.
#245
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We got a deal or not?
#246
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Well, we were a little more interested in the parts Billy was singing.
#247
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Billy as in me, or Billy as in him?
#248
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Your name's Billy too?
#249
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No, that's why I'm so fucking confused.
#250
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I meant that Billy.
#251
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[dramatic music playing]
#252
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[funky music playing]
#253
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Parents' night out.
#254
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I can't wait to see everyone here.
#255
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Yeah. Especially Barry.
#256
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We don't hang out as much anymore, but I really like him.
#257
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Hey, we're a little late.
#258
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If anyone asks, let's just say the babysitter was late.
#259
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-Oh, that's a great idea. -Yeah.
#260
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[man] Hi, everyone.
#261
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Sorry we're late.
#262
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Yeah, fucking babysitter.
#263
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Absolutely fucked us.
#264
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I fucking hate her. Such an idiot.
#265
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It wasn't that bad.
#266
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I hope she had a good excuse.
#267
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She did, yeah.
#268
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-Alan. -Oh, sorry.
#269
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Yeah. Yeah, she did. Yeah, it was just... It was, like, a hit-and-run.
#270
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Oh, my God.
#271
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Yeah.
#272
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Should we call the cops?
#273
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Yeah, no, we did, but it's okay,
#274
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'cause the cops said that, like, the people she hit
#275
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are just kind of like nothing, so it's fine.
#276
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What do you mean, the people were just kind of nothing?
#277
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They're just, like, not important, like, they don't matter.
#278
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Like, there's, like, no records of 'em.
#279
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So, like, they're homeless?
#280
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No, they're just, like, nothing.
#281
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Like, they're not even supposed to be around in the area.
#282
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Bottom line is, no one's gonna get in trouble,
#283
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nobody should feel sad at all.
#284
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The cops were just like, "Oh, yeah, this is fine.
#285
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Don't worry about it at all."
#286
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The cops aren't even gonna, like, follow up on it
#287
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because, like, the people are, like, already dead.
#288
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Oh, my God, they're dead?
#289
⇓
Yeah. Yeah, they're dead.
#290
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Barry, can I talk to you for a second?
#291
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Sure.
#292
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If you keep talking about the hit-and-run, I'm gonna fucking kill you.
#293
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A hit-and-run is a felony.
#294
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It's not a problem!
#295
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The cops came,
#296
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they said it's fine.
#297
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-They're not, like, real people, kinda. -The cops said that?
#298
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If you keep asking me questions, I'm gonna beat the crap out of you.
#299
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What? Really?
#300
⇓
No.
#301
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I mean, yeah.
#302
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I'm gonna beat the crap out of you.
#303
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Because I was asking questions?
#304
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[groans] I'm gonna embarrass you at this party, Barry.
#305
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-What? -I'm gonna embarrass you, Barry.
#306
⇓
It's done.
#307
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Get ready to be embarrassed.
#308
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[suspenseful music playing]
#309
⇓
-[music stops] -So we're at the Lions game--
#310
⇓
The Lions?
#311
⇓
Like the animal... from the circus?
#312
⇓
They were playing a game?
#313
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[laughs] I'm just trying to understand here.
#314
⇓
I was talking about the football team.
#315
⇓
Yeah, everyone knows what he's talking about.
#316
⇓
My mistake.
#317
⇓
[suspenseful music resumes]
#318
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[inaudible]
#319
⇓
[music stops]
#320
⇓
[man] Oh, my God!
#321
⇓
Barry just palmed the dip.
#322
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He's trying to steal spinach dip, Barry is!
#323
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He pushed my hand in there.
#324
⇓
Oh, my God!
#325
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-You're gonna tell on me? -Would you lay off me?
#326
⇓
[suspenseful music resumes]
#327
⇓
Hey, honey. Having fun?
#328
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No, your fricking babysitter idea got me in huge trouble.
#329
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-Now I have to embarrass Barry. -What?
#330
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Hold on. He's by the china cabinet.
#331
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[yells]
#332
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Oh, my God!
#333
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Barry fell into the china cabinet!
#334
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What a klutz!
#335
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I told you. I told you I was gonna embarrass you, Barry.
#336
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Now we're even. Come on.
#337
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We can hang out and have a good time now.
#338
⇓
I can't believe that.
#339
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["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]
#340
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