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I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson
» S01E04 — Oh Crap, A Bunch More Bad Stuff Just Happened
I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson
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Season 1, Episode 4 — Oh Crap, A Bunch More Bad Stuff Just Happened
[yelling aggressively]
#1
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[stirring music]
#2
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Oh, crap.
#3
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There's only one man who can save us now.
#4
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I better get to him before it's too late!
#5
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["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]
#7
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[woman] Ladies and gentlemen,
#8
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the president of the Marjorie Caldwell Society of Arts and Music,
#9
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John Ballgram.
#10
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Good evening.
#11
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Tonight, we honor the life and the music of Mr. Herbie Hancock,
#12
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and if we're lucky,
#13
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we might even get him to come up here and play a little music for us.
#14
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But first, I do want to say, just for anyone who's concerned...
#15
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I don't think the dog that bit me should get put down.
#16
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I know that's protocol when a person falls
#17
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and a dog bites them, the dog gets put down...
#18
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but I don't think the dog should get put down,
#19
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because I know that's a service dog.
#20
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Otherwise, why would it be allowed in here,
#21
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and why would it be wearing that little blue shirt?
#22
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Okay, I just wanted to say that
#23
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so it didn't cloud the rest of the evening.
#24
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[audience member coughing]
#25
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The year is 1957,
#26
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on the mean streets of Chicago.
#27
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-My dog didn't bite you. -[murmuring]
#28
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What?
#29
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-My dog didn't try to bite you. -It didn't what?
#30
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He was trying to hump your head.
#31
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[laughter]
#32
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[Ballgram] It tried to bite me.
#33
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-It tried to bite the back of my hair off. -It was humping you, dude.
#34
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[laughter]
#35
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Uh...
#36
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Okay, Herbie can play.
#37
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Herbie can compose.
#38
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Herbie sees music in a...
#39
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I'm sorry.
#40
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I'm sorry, but, uh...
#41
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What do you even have?
#42
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-What? -What do you even have
#43
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that you have a service dog that's allowed in here?
#44
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-That's really none of your business. -That would be true
#45
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if your dog didn't try to bite the back of my hair off.
#46
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-You know what happened. -I don't.
#47
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And it's too bad we can't figure it out 'cause nobody has video or anything.
#48
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I took a video.
#49
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[murmuring]
#50
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Oh... fine.
#51
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-There's no way to watch it. -Tech guy can plug it in right there.
#52
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[man] Yeah!
#53
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Thanks, Herbie.
#54
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[applause]
#55
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Okay, here I am. Here I am.
#57
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-There I trip a little on the stair. -[laughter]
#59
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And here comes a dog trying to bite me.
#60
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[laughter]
#61
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It's... It's trying to bite me!
#62
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It's trying to rip my hair out. What are you laughing at?
#63
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Oh, my God!
#64
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Are you saying that your dog has blue balls now?
#65
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You said it humped me.
#66
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-[audience groans in disgust] -It's dry.
#68
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And you know what?
#69
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You don't tape people.
#70
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What is this society, that we tape everything?
#71
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What's going on? Do we not live in the moment anymore?
#72
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We just tape everything from a phone?
#73
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I don't like that.
#74
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You know, that's what Herbie's music is against.
#75
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I don't know, man, I think the dog humped you.
#76
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[laughter]
#77
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That's why I love Herbie Hancock.
#78
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He loves to lie.
#79
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We now return to the Channel 20 Christmas classic,
#82
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The Night Scrooge Saved Christmas.
#83
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[hopeful music playing]
#84
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[music reaches a crescendo]
#85
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Oh!
#86
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It's Christmas!
#87
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-Scrooge! -[stirring music playing]
#88
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Who are you?
#89
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I am the Ghost of Christmas Way Future.
#90
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I've already met the Ghost of Christmas Future.
#91
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I said Way Future, Scrooge!
#92
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-What are you here to show me? -Christmas in the year 3050.
#93
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Skeletrex and his Bone Brigade have enslaved the human race,
#94
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and we need your help.
#95
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What are you talking about?
#96
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Bonies are slaughtering humans by the millions,
#97
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taking their bones and using them to make more bone soldiers,
#98
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and, more important, fleets of bone cars.
#99
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-What--? -Frigging Bonies!
#100
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But I've got a plan.
#101
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We've got to kill Skeletrex.
#102
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He's huge!
#103
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He's 15 feet tall and he has bones the size of tree trunks.
#104
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-What-- -Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.
#105
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He carries a club made of lava.
#106
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-Damn you, Skeletrex! -[gun fires]
#107
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Oh, crap!
#108
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One of the Bonies made it through the Christmas portal.
#109
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Quick, Scrooge, bash him with your cane!
#110
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[skeleton screaming]
#111
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That's it, Scrooge.
#112
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Now, go ahead and eat that goop, Scrooge.
#113
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Don't let it lay an egg!
#116
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[Scrooge] I don't know what to do!
#117
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Use your Christmas cheer and bash its fricking brains out, you idiot!
#118
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-[soldier laughs] -[bone larva moans]
#119
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Yeah, bash that bone larva!
#120
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Attaboy! That's good bone-crushing.
#121
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[hopeful music playing]
#122
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I think I'm beginning to get the hang of this.
#123
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Scrooge, you cheap bastard, you're a genius at this.
#124
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The Bone Brigade is doing a bunch more bad stuff.
#126
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We're gonna have to go to the future.
#127
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Crap dang it, this sucks!
#128
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So do you like it out here?
#131
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You know, coming from the Midwest, I was unsure
#132
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-whether I'd like California or not. -Yeah.
#133
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But I got to say, I love it.
#134
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You know? The weather, obviously. -[woman] Mm-hm.
#135
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[man] It doesn't get any better.
#136
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And you think I'd miss the seasons...
#137
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[woman] Mm-hm.
#138
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But you know what? Sometimes I do,
#139
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but most of the time, I don't.
#140
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[chuckles]
#141
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-You excuse me for a second? -Mm-hm.
#142
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Can I talk to you for a second?
#143
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How can I help you?
#144
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My date's eating all the fully loaded nachos.
#145
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the ones that are fully loaded, she's hogging them,
#147
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so I'm mostly getting just, like, just chips.
#148
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Like mostly just chips,
#149
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like nothing on 'em,
#150
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but, like, a little bit of cheese and maybe one little nugget of meat.
#151
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-Okay. -Can you say something to her?
#152
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-Say what? -Maybe go up to the table
#153
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Or like, "Hey, that's not allowed."
#155
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No, just say the restaurant has a rule.
#157
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It's not you, it's a rule the restaurant has
#158
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that if you get an item to share, you can't...
#159
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One person can't just eat all the fully loaded ones.
#160
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Like, don't look around, find the one with most meat,
#161
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-and always eat that one. -Can't you just ask her to share with you?
#162
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Can't you just say the restaurant has a rule?
#163
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I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm like,
#164
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"Play your hits. Like, don't play the new stuff."
#165
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Yeah, I totally agree.
#166
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You go to a concert, and you want to hear the songs you love.
#167
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Right, exactly, like--
#168
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-Give me the good-time rock 'n' roll. -I want to sing along!
#169
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[man] Totally!
#170
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[both laughing]
#171
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This is really fun.
#172
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-This is so fun. -I'm glad we did this.
#173
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Are you enjoying everything?
#174
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-Yeah, everything's great. -[man] Yeah.
#175
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Uh... Okay.
#176
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Because we have a rule here that if you order nachos to share...
#177
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uh, one person can't just eat all the fully loaded nachos.
#178
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What's that? Say that again?
#179
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We have a rule that basically says
#180
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if two people order nachos to share...
#181
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one person can't take the ones with meat and stuff.
#182
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What? I've never heard anything like that before.
#183
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That is... so weird.
#184
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But I guess if that's a rule, thanks.
#185
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-Okay. -Hang on a second.
#186
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Did you ask him to come over here and say that?
#187
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What?
#188
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Did you ask him to say that?
#189
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[tense music playing]
#190
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What the hell are you talking about?
#191
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You got up,
#192
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you talked to him for a long time,
#193
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and then the minute you sit down, he comes over
#194
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and says that the restaurant has this rule.
#195
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No restaurant has a rule about who gets to eat what.
#196
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What?
#197
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[in emotional voice] I went up there
#198
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to ask if we could switch tables.
#199
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There's an air conditioner above this table,
#200
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and I was worried you were gonna get cold.
#201
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There's no vent above us.
#202
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What?
#203
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Did he ask you to come over and say that about the nachos?
#204
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-He did. -What?
#205
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I went up there to complain about the rule.
#206
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You just learned the rule!
#207
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-What? -He just came over here...
#208
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-Who? -Him!
#209
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What is going on?
#210
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We'll take the check.
#211
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We're gonna be so early for that movie.
#212
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I'm not going to the movie.
#213
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[in high-pitched voice] What?
#214
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["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]
#215
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[upbeat music playing on radio]
#216
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[mouths]
#217
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[car horn honking continuously]
#218
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[frenzied driver] That's me!
#219
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Me! That's me! Me!
#220
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-[continuous horn honking] -[tires screech]
#221
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Me?
#222
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Go around.
#223
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[continuous horn honking]
#224
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Just go around. I...
#225
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-[driver panting] -[continuous horn honking]
#226
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The third phase, we hit up Instagram and--
#227
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[distant car horn honking]
#228
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Uh...
#229
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-Um, the third phase, we-- -[distant car horn honking]
#230
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[continuous horn honking]
#231
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Sorry.
#232
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-[continuous horn honking] -[menacing music playing]
#233
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[snarling]
#234
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-[dog barking] -[continuous horn honking]
#235
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[frenzied driver] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
#236
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-My stomach hurts! -[continuous horn honking]
#237
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Help me, please!
#238
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[birds chirping]
#239
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[exhales]
#240
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[man] As painful and sad as today is...
#241
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let us not forget that it's also a celebration of life.
#242
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The life in this world...
#243
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and the life in our next world, in the ever after.
#244
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[car horn honking]
#245
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The deceased taught us all a lot about life.
#246
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-[priest's speech drowned out by honking] -Hey! Hey!
#247
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[priest's speech drowned out by honking]
#248
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[continuous car horn honking]
#249
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Oh, shit! Shit!
#250
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Shit! Shit!
#251
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Shit! Shit! No! No!
#252
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What the hell are you doing, man? Stop honking.
#253
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But I'm horny!
#254
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-What are you talking about? -I'm talking about
#255
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your "honk if you're horny" bumper sticker!
#256
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Can you help me out or not?
#257
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-How would I help you out? -I don't know! Do you have a solution,
#258
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like some magazines, or a calendar, or something?
#259
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-Why would I have that? -What?!
#260
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I thought that you worked for a service or a company
#261
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that helped out guys that are so horny
#262
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that their stomachs hurt!
#263
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'Cause that's what I am!
#264
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There's no service that does that!
#265
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[yelling in agony]
#266
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Stop moving around!
#267
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Why do you have that sticker on your car? What did you think was gonna happen?
#268
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I don't know why I got the fucking sticker, man!
#269
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I grew up in a small town.
#270
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-Things were hard. -[pensive music playing]
#271
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We needed to make little jokes.
#272
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I learned to make my car a little funny.
#273
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I'm sorry if I sent the wrong message,
#274
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like I was some sort of representative or something.
#275
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-So you don't have pornos and calendars? -No.
#276
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Then you need to take that sticker off your car.
#277
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Don't you dare! Don't you fucking touch it!
#278
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Stay away from my car! It's a classic!
#279
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-Do not touch me! -Don't touch my ride!
#280
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-Ohhh! -Shit!
#281
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-[driver] What do we got here? -Shut the fuck up!
#282
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-You had pornos this whole time? -Shut the fuck up. Just pick one and go.
#283
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I got to go over there and sing a song.
#284
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Come on, hurry up!
#285
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I've seen a lot of these!
#286
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-Just take-- -Thank you so much.
#287
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Seriously, this is honestly like--
#288
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-I'm sorry. -I just... I am sorry.
#289
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[inspirational music playing]
#290
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And now to sing a song, the son of the deceased.
#291
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♪ Friday night ♪
#292
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I love you, Mom.
#309
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["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]
#310
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