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I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson
» S01E03 — It's the Cigars You Smoke That Are Gonna Give You Cancer
I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson
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Season 1, Episode 3 — It's the Cigars You Smoke That Are Gonna Give You Cancer
[laughter]
#1
⇓
Thanks so much.
#2
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Well, now I'm looking for a volunteer from the audience.
#3
⇓
Okay. Let's welcome him on stage. Come on up.
#4
⇓
[laughs]
#5
⇓
-What's your name? -Charlie.
#6
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Charlie, we're gonna do just a quick sobriety test.
#8
⇓
-Can you do that? -Yeah.
#9
⇓
-How many balls do I have in my hand? -One.
#10
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These aren't supposed to be hard yet, Charlie.
#11
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[crowd laughs] I'll slow it down for you. Okay.
#12
⇓
-Can you do that? -I think so.
#14
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He thinks so.
#15
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Confidence is not your strong suit, neither is your suit-suit.
#16
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All right, Charlie,
#17
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I just want you to focus on which hand the ball is in.
#18
⇓
-Okay. -And I'll give you a hint.
#19
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It's not this one.
#20
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-Right here? -Goddamn it, Charlie.
#21
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Which hand is it in?
#23
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-Right here? -No, Charlie, it's in your pocket.
#24
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Give him a round of applause. It's Charlie.
#25
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Give it up for him.
#26
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[laughter]
#27
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All right, ladies and gentlemen,
#28
⇓
the next trick is something that kept me out of college for...
#29
⇓
That was really fun.
#30
⇓
God, I'm so full.
#31
⇓
If I didn't have to drive,
#32
⇓
I would have probably took them up on that offer of the bourbon flight.
#33
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That's so cool.
#34
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[sighs wearily]
#35
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We should do dancing next.
#36
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So the babysitter did art with the kids. That's cool.
#37
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[chuckles]
#38
⇓
Such a fun night.
#39
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Good night, sweetie. Love you.
#40
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[woman] Why the fuck didn't you stick up for yourself?
#41
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-What? -Why the fuck
#42
⇓
didn't you stick up for yourself,
#43
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you fucking coward?
#44
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What are you talking about?
#45
⇓
The magician, Charlie.
#46
⇓
He embarrassed you.
#47
⇓
What?
#48
⇓
He brought you on stage,
#49
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and he insulted your intelligence.
#50
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He made fun of how you look, and you did nothing.
#51
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[laughs]
#52
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No, he was just joking around. He was a funny magician.
#53
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That fat piece of shit made you look like a fool, Charlie.
#54
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He basically pulled your little dick out in front of everyone
#55
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and jerked you off until nothing came out,
#56
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because you are a boy.
#57
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No, that is not what happened.
#58
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Look...
#59
⇓
we will stay married
#60
⇓
and raise the kids until they're out of the house,
#61
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but I will not respect you,
#62
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and I'll make sure the kids don't either.
#63
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Oh, my God, it was just a magic act, Brenda.
#64
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You make ten times what he makes. Why didn't you say that to him?
#65
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-I don't know if that would've helped. -Right, maybe it wouldn't have helped.
#66
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I'm glad you had fun
#67
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while everyone else had to watch an adult man
#68
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jerk your little-boy dick off.
#69
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Jesus Christ.
#70
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-[applause] -[magician] Now... Thank you.
#71
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I'd like to pick from the audience any volunteer.
#72
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-Someone-- -Yeah!
#73
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I'll do it.
#74
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Is that... That's a familiar face.
#75
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We don't usually do that, but welcome him to the stage.
#76
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-[applause] -Hello. How are you? Terrific.
#77
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I don't have a boy dick.
#78
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Okay. Okay, that's fine. Uh...
#79
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I make ten times as much as you.
#80
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Well, you wouldn't know it from the suit.
#81
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[laughter]
#82
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[yells] You ruined my fucking life!
#83
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["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson]
#84
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for agreeing to be part of this focus group.
#86
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in helping us create a brand-new model.
#88
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There are no wrong answers.
#89
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So let's go around the room,
#90
⇓
and you just go ahead and call out features
#91
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you'd love to see implemented in your ideal car.
#92
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Whenever you're ready.
#93
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-Bluetooth capabilities. -Great.
#94
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-Voice-activated lights. -Perfect.
#95
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-Satellite radio. -Mm-hm.
#96
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-Extra cup holders. -And a phone holder.
#97
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A good steering wheel that doesn't fly off while you're driving.
#98
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[man] Rear-view camera.
#99
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-Comfy seats. -A good steering wheel
#100
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that doesn't fly off your hand while you're driving.
#101
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Uh, automatic side-view mirrors.
#102
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A great steering wheel
#103
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that doesn't whiff out of the window while I driving.
#104
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That is a good idea.
#105
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Yeah, I wrote it down.
#106
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Oh, nice.
#107
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Okay, what do we think it should look like?
#108
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-Sleek. -Good.
#109
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High-tech.
#110
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-Aerodynamic. -Too small.
#111
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-I'm sorry? -Too small.
#112
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So when you get in there, you're like,
#113
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"If the steering wheel fly off, I'm toast."
#114
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Look, I-- Okay, I don't know why we'd make it too small.
#115
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I think it's a good idea, and I stand by.
#116
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-Okay. -And you can have, like, a sporty look.
#117
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-Great. -Teacher's pet.
#118
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Stinky!
#120
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What?
#121
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I'm sorry.
#124
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I cannot think any good car idea
#125
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because this guy keep farting.
#126
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What are some ways we can make it family-friendly?
#128
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No space for mother-in-law.
#129
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That's not helpful.
#130
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Shut up, Paul.
#131
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You probably love your mother-in-law.
#132
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I actually do.
#133
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Oh, my God, he admit it!
#134
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[group laughs]
#135
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-Paul? -What?
#136
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-Paul? -What?
#137
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[whispers] You have... no... good... car... ideas.
#138
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-Shut up. -I doing the best at this.
#139
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All right, maybe we should lay off Paul.
#140
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That's what his wife said.
#141
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[group laughs]
#142
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[group celebrates]
#144
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You flinched, Paul!
#145
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Now you have to marry your mother-in-law!
#146
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Yeah, because he landed it and you flinched,
#147
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you have to marry your mother-in-law!
#148
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I did not flinch.
#149
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-You have to! You have to, Paul. -Marry your mother-in-law.
#150
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-I didn't flinch. -Come on, Paul.
#151
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If you don't, that mean you yourself
#152
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admit it yourself that you suck.
#153
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That's true. You flinched with the bottle, Paul.
#154
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Who is the most popular now, Paul?
#155
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[group leader] Paul, you have to marry your mother-in-law
#156
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if you flinched at the bottle!
#157
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[whooshing]
#158
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-[group celebrates] -Paul! You flinch!
#159
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[funk music playing]
#160
⇓
[woman] Chronic back pain affects everything:
#161
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Your family, your job, even your leisure time.
#162
⇓
At Laser Spine Specialists,
#163
⇓
with our minimally invasive spine surgery,
#164
⇓
you can be back on your feet and back in the saddle.
#165
⇓
I never thought I'd ride again.
#166
⇓
I can finally get back to tending my garden.
#169
⇓
I can finally fight my wife's new husband, Danny Crouse.
#170
⇓
Call Laser Spine Specialists for your no-cost MRI review
#171
⇓
and change your life today.
#172
⇓
I'm back to helping out around the house again.
#173
⇓
I can finally lift my son over my head again.
#174
⇓
I can lift my son over my head again,
#175
⇓
and there ain't shit he could do about it.
#176
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Come here, you little fuck!
#177
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Dad! What the hell?
#178
⇓
Come on. I'm gonna get you over my head like a big boy.
#179
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He's been rude to me his whole life!
#180
⇓
to learn how a less than two-inch incision
#182
⇓
can give you a new lease on life.
#183
⇓
I can spin my wife again.
#184
⇓
I can play with my dog again. [dog barking]
#185
⇓
-[siren wails] -[car horn blares]
#187
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You told me I could sing!
#188
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I listened to the record we made and it sucks!
#189
⇓
Hey, I disagree, Ron.
#190
⇓
I gave you $10,000 to make me a star!
#191
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We just need a couple more dollars to get this thing really popping off!
#192
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I'm through, Robbie.
#193
⇓
I played "Mountain River Rock"
#194
⇓
for my whole family and they laughed at me.
#195
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Your family hates you! Only I love you!
#196
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And that song is rockin', baby.
#197
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We got to fly Jeff Chris down from Indiana
#198
⇓
-to mix it professionally. -You listen to me.
#199
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No more scamming adults into thinking they're stars.
#200
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-[thud] -What the hell, Robbie?!
#202
⇓
Where's my airplay?
#203
⇓
I had the radio tuned to that station you told me all weekend
#204
⇓
and my song never came on.
#205
⇓
Don't listen to him, he tricked me too.
#206
⇓
Hey, listen, I just got this new beat
#208
⇓
and it is totally in your Q zone, all right?
#209
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Don't start this with me, Robbie.
#210
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-I can't sing. -It's a guaranteed goddamn hit, all right?
#211
⇓
It's not exactly in my Q zone, is it?
#212
⇓
I mean, yeah. It's also in Johnny's Q zone.
#213
⇓
Johnny, do "Palm Tree" for us.
#214
⇓
Don't give it to Johnny. Hold on!
#216
⇓
Let me think about it for a minute!
#217
⇓
[drumbeat]
#218
⇓
[woman] Call Laser Spine Specialists today
#221
⇓
and get back to the things you've always wanted to do.
#222
⇓
You're too tight!
#223
⇓
Need to loosen up!
#224
⇓
It's gonna be a hit,
#225
⇓
but you have to relax!
#226
⇓
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby Ba-ba-bay ♪
#227
⇓
And that was my dad, you know?
#229
⇓
No matter how busy he was,
#230
⇓
he always had time for his kids.
#231
⇓
Gonna miss you, Dad.
#232
⇓
Beautiful words, Kyle. Your father would have been so proud.
#233
⇓
So to honor Paul,
#235
⇓
why don't we listen to and enjoy a beautiful song?
#236
⇓
Oh, our organist, Peg, is under the weather,
#237
⇓
so we have a replacement organist for the day.
#238
⇓
And I'm now seeing that he brought his own much larger organ.
#239
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My condolences.
#240
⇓
Let us bow our heads.
#241
⇓
Two, three, four!
#242
⇓
[confusing carnival song playing]
#243
⇓
[slide whistle]
#244
⇓
[horns honking]
#245
⇓
[confusing music continuing]
#246
⇓
[honk]
#247
⇓
[music stopping]
#248
⇓
My condolences.
#249
⇓
Thank you, New Joe.
#250
⇓
The thanks is all mine, Parson.
#251
⇓
And I'll play her on.
#253
⇓
It's called "He Layeth on High,"
#256
⇓
and it's about a big baby duck
#257
⇓
who gets his head caught in a stewed tomato,
#258
⇓
so hold on to your hats.
#259
⇓
Two, three, four!
#260
⇓
-[rapid jaunty melody playing] -[honk]
#261
⇓
[plate breaks, jaunty melody continues]
#262
⇓
-[jaunty melody continues] -[honk]
#263
⇓
[slide whistles]
#264
⇓
-[plate breaks] -[cymbal]
#265
⇓
New Joe!
#267
⇓
Keep going?
#268
⇓
No.
#269
⇓
-[old-fashioned vehicle horn] -melody continues]
#270
⇓
-[honk] -[plate breaks]
#271
⇓
-[high-pitched slide whistle] -[melody continues]
#272
⇓
[melody stopping]
#273
⇓
♪ Yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah ♪
#274
⇓
Your new boyfriend seems very mature.
#275
⇓
Yeah, Howie's great.
#276
⇓
He works at the tobacco shop my mom buys cigars at.
#277
⇓
All right, let's play.
#278
⇓
Your record collection's very meat and potatoes, Liz.
#279
⇓
Oh, thank you.
#280
⇓
No, it just means you don't have anything rare in there.
#281
⇓
Okay, everyone got a celebrity name in?
#282
⇓
All right, Team One, you're up.
#283
⇓
-[man] Remind me the rules again? -You can say anything you want,
#284
⇓
just don't say the name you pull out of the hat.
#285
⇓
-Okay. -Okay.
#286
⇓
-Ready? -All right, let's do this.
#287
⇓
And... go.
#288
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-He was in Ocean's Eleven. -Matt Damon.
#289
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No.
#290
⇓
He has a tequila, silver fox...
#291
⇓
-George Clooney. -Yes.
#292
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Okay, she was a pretty woman.
#293
⇓
-Julia Roberts. -Yes. Okay, um...
#294
⇓
All right, I guess this is a musician.
#295
⇓
-John Mayer. -No, older...
#296
⇓
-Time. -Goddamn.
#297
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It's jazz legend Marcus "The Worm" Hicks.
#298
⇓
[giggles] Okay, who put that in?
#299
⇓
That one might be one of mine.
#300
⇓
Okay, Team Two, we're up.
#301
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Howie, you go first.
#302
⇓
[sighs] All right.
#303
⇓
[groans]
#304
⇓
-This is a cool hat. -Okay, ready?
#305
⇓
-And... go. -All right, this guy
#306
⇓
ran with Thaddeus Finks.
#307
⇓
He was one of the Eight Balls in Mookie Kramer and the Eight Balls.
#308
⇓
This doesn't sound like anything.
#309
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He played the alto sax with the kink in it.
#310
⇓
-I don't know. -Not sure.
#311
⇓
Really? Okay, pass.
#312
⇓
Okay, this one's easy. He's got the freak lips,
#313
⇓
he can hit the high C all night long.
#314
⇓
He was king of the tuk-tuk sound.
#315
⇓
Is this another jazz guy?
#316
⇓
Laura, you know this.
#317
⇓
-I need another hint. -I told you this guy's life story
#318
⇓
that night we had dinner.
#319
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I took you to Chartreuse.
#320
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It was the same dinner that you said you don't like any PDA.
#321
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I tried to give you those little kisses, and you said no PDA. Remember?
#322
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I criticized you for being addicted to your phone,
#323
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and tried to make it up to you by buying you the entire dessert menu.
#324
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And she didn't even take a bite.
#325
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-Time. -Come on, guys!
#326
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We didn't get one.
#327
⇓
Because they're supposed to be celebrities everyone knows.
#328
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Oh, you mean like household names like Roy Donk,
#329
⇓
or Jack Marshall who wrote The Munsters' theme song?
#330
⇓
Roy Donk?
#331
⇓
Okay, sweetie, I think you're just hungry.
#332
⇓
-Eat some of your Arizona walnuts. -That's a good idea.
#333
⇓
Where be your nutcracker?
#334
⇓
Uh, I mean, I think we have one in our Christmas stuff in the attic.
#335
⇓
Oh, great. Well, that'll only take you a sec.
#336
⇓
Okay.
#337
⇓
-Yeah, I guess I'll go get that. -Thanks.
#338
⇓
[groans]
#339
⇓
-All right, Team One, let's go. -Okay.
#340
⇓
He's Iron Man.
#341
⇓
-Robert Downey Jr. -[woman] Yes. Okay...
#342
⇓
Oh, I think this one's Howie's.
#343
⇓
Yeah, I don't know what to do.
#344
⇓
Just do Charades.
#345
⇓
Ooh!
#346
⇓
Oh, I wish I could hear what she's playing, man. She's off the map.
#347
⇓
Time.
#348
⇓
-What was it? -Tiny "Boop Squig" Shorterly.
#349
⇓
I mean, come on, is that even a celebrity?
#350
⇓
He's no Roy Donk, but he was a regular guest on The Colgate Hour.
#351
⇓
What's The Colgate Hour?
#352
⇓
Excuse me!
#353
⇓
-Oh, my God. -What? I said, "Excuse me."
#354
⇓
All right? We all do it.
#355
⇓
Let's not make a big deal about it. It's embarrassing.
#356
⇓
-Here's your nutcracker, Howie. -Oh, thanks, but I changed my mind.
#357
⇓
Listen, I saw you had some gazpacho soup in your fridge.
#358
⇓
Can I have some gazpacho soup?
#359
⇓
[wearily] Yes, you can have some gazpacho soup.
#360
⇓
[Howie] All right, let's get back into it.
#361
⇓
[groans] Okay.
#362
⇓
It's my turn. My turn. Okay, let's see.
#363
⇓
Well, he was a frequent guest on The Colgate Comedy Hour.
#364
⇓
The radio program. Come on.
#365
⇓
-I don't know what The Colgate Hour is. -Okay, pass. Okay.
#366
⇓
I don't know if this will help you,
#367
⇓
but he was also a frequent guest on The Colgate Comedy Hour.
#368
⇓
He did panels with Paul Julian,
#369
⇓
the guy who did the voice of the Road Runner. "Beep-beep."
#370
⇓
Don't you remember how we listened to his whole album
#371
⇓
that one night I told you you'd never be a good writer
#372
⇓
-'cause you don't have a curious mind? -Time.
#373
⇓
-Damn it. -Who was it?
#374
⇓
Paul Bufano. Paul Bufano, how hard is that?
#375
⇓
Paul Bufano! Come on.
#376
⇓
Jeez! You don't remember that night
#377
⇓
we listened to the whole album Cafeteria Jangle?
#378
⇓
It's the night you gave me that Fitbit
#379
⇓
and I said I would get wrist cancer from it.
#380
⇓
You said, "It's the cigars you smoke that's gonna give you cancer.
#381
⇓
It's the T-bone steaks you eat that are gonna give you cancer."
#382
⇓
You don't remember that?
#383
⇓
[woman] Just have some gazpacho, Howie.
#384
⇓
[Howie] Oh, my gazpacho soup is here.
#385
⇓
[exclaims]
#386
⇓
-This gazpacho soup just burned my lips. -The gazpacho?
#387
⇓
Yeah, it's been sitting out. It warmed up.
#388
⇓
It warmed up so much that it burned your lip?
#389
⇓
Let me explain something to you. If you're expecting something ice cold,
#390
⇓
and you bring it up to your lips and it's room temp,
#391
⇓
it's going to feel like your mouth's on fire.
#392
⇓
It's gonna feel like your body's on fire.
#393
⇓
-No way, man -[Howie] You know what? I'm bored.
#394
⇓
This party's officially boring. I'm bored,
#395
⇓
and you people are very rude. Listen, let's get out of here.
#396
⇓
All right? My buddy Ray, his parents are out of town.
#397
⇓
He's gonna let us use his basement for "if you know what I mean."
#398
⇓
You guys really embarrassed me in front of Howie.
#399
⇓
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson]
#400
⇓
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