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I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson
» S01E02 — Thanks For Thinking They Are Cool
I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson
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Season 1, Episode 2 — Thanks For Thinking They Are Cool
[rock instrumental playing]
#1
⇓
Ohhh!
#2
⇓
Whoa!
#3
⇓
That's a nice motorcycle.
#4
⇓
All right! [laughs]
#5
⇓
Wow!
#6
⇓
Beautiful motorcycle!
#7
⇓
Yes! Yeah!
#8
⇓
Motorcycle with no motor?
#9
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Okay!
#10
⇓
[chuckles]
#11
⇓
What the heck?
#12
⇓
Two motorcycles with a little house in the middle?
#13
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Wow, dude!
#14
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Wow!
#15
⇓
[rock instrumental continuing]
#16
⇓
[music stops]
#17
⇓
[heavenly music playing]
#18
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[triumphant music playing]
#19
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[electricity crackling]
#20
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Well?
#21
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Yeah, guys... there's motorcycles.
#22
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-Yeah! -[all cheering]
#23
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And there's a lot of other stuff, too.
#24
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[rock instrumental playing]
#25
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There it is.
#26
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[group exclaims]
#27
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[all laughing]
#28
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It's got a... It's got a little house in it.
#29
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Come on, it's got a little house in it.
#30
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Yeah!
#31
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Yeah!
#32
⇓
Yes!
#33
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["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]
#34
⇓
[woman] River Mountain High is sponsored by TC Topps TC Tuggers Shirts,
#35
⇓
the only shirt with a tugging knob.
#36
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[school bell rings]
#37
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[indistinct chatter]
#38
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Hey. Am I seeing you tonight?
#39
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I don't know, Brandon. I shouldn't even be talking to you.
#40
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What's going on? You've been avoiding me all week.
#41
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You're hiding something.
#42
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What happened that night with Riley?
#43
⇓
Look, I told you, we got in a fight, and she stormed off.
#44
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That was the last I saw of her.
#45
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Then why did Tyler see her in your car at 2:00 a.m.?
#46
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Oh, God, Tyler! Tyler's a freak. Everybody knows that.
#47
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He may be weird, but at least he didn't beat up Matt Simms
#48
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in the locker room in front of everyone.
#49
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Okay.
#50
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Look... you can't say anything, but--
#51
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All right, you two, get to class. The bell already rang.
#52
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You can't be in the hall when the bell rang. The bell already rang.
#53
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Sorry, Principal S.
#54
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That's okay.
#55
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That's a cool shirt.
#56
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Yeah, it's a TC Topp from TC Tuggers,
#57
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the only shirt that's got a little knob on the front
#58
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so you can just pull it out when it gets trapped on your belly.
#59
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It's very cool.
#60
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Yeah, I was doing this all the time,
#61
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and the wear and tear was wrecking my regular shirts.
#62
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But TC Tuggers has this little knob on the front
#63
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so you don't wreck your shirt, or hurt your hand.
#64
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Yeah, that makes sense.
#65
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Yeah, you know what I mean?
#66
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'Cause when you go through the day,
#67
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your shirt gets kind of bunched up,
#68
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so I was wrecking my shirts
#69
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'cause I was pulling them out subconsciously,
#70
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but this has that knob,
#71
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so you can just do it easily.
#72
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-Awesome. Well, we'll get to class. -But they're not a joke.
#73
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-What? -You don't make jokes about 'em,
#74
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TC Tuggers.
#75
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You don't wear 'em as a joke,
#76
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you don't give 'em as a joke gift, or wear them ironically,
#77
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or do pub crawls in 'em like the Snuggie.
#78
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They're not like the Snuggie.
#79
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Do they come in other styles?
#80
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Not really.
#81
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-[makes burbling noises] -[group laughing]
#82
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Hey, cool hair, Dave.
#83
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Thank you. I know.
#84
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[continues making burbling noises]
#85
⇓
He's so comfortable in his skin.
#86
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[man] You've been wearing a toupee for years,
#87
⇓
but you're tired of living a lie.
#88
⇓
You're ready to accept the real you,
#89
⇓
but you're in too deep.
#90
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You can't go from hair to bald in one day.
#91
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Hey, Dave.
#92
⇓
[menacing music playing]
#93
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-Dave? -[man] Oh, my God, Dave.
#94
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You're all-the-way bald.
#95
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What happened to the head of hair you had yesterday?
#96
⇓
Uh...
#97
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Was that a toupee, you piece of shit?
#98
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Dang it.
#99
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Well, now you can ween yourself off your toupee gently
#100
⇓
with Wilson's natural hair-loss system.
#101
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It's easy. When you sign up, Wilson's will send 500 little wigs,
#102
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each one balder than the last.
#103
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Every 17 hours, replace your hairpiece with the next most bald one.
#104
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But what if you don't have 52 weeks? You need to be bald right now.
#105
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Wilson's has the solution for you.
#106
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For the same price, we can get you bald in one day
#107
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with Wilson's natural Fake Gorilla Attack hair-removal system.
#108
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Wilson's will send a fake gorilla to a public place of your choosing
#109
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to rip your entire hair clean off.
#110
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-[heavy metal music playing] -Oh, my God, a gorilla!
#111
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That chimp stole my hair!
#112
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Wilson's. Now you can be the life of the party.
#113
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[continues making comedic noises]
#114
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-Ow! -What the hell are you doing?
#115
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-You poked my wife in both eyes. -[door opens]
#116
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-[heavy metal music playing] -Oh, my God, a gorilla!
#117
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That's my real hair!
#118
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[gorilla roaring]
#119
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♪ Baby, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪
#120
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Here he comes.
#122
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Sorry I'm late, everyone. It's very rude of me. I apologize.
#123
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-[fart sound] -[group laughing]
#124
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-[whispering] Oh, my God, I farted. -[group stops laughing]
#125
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Um...
#126
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Sorry about that, everyone.
#127
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Could you excuse me for a second?
#128
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I have to figure out what's going on.
#129
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What the heck?
#130
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There's a pink bag on my chair?
#131
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Yeah, it's just a whoopee cushion. It's a prank.
#132
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-On me? -No, it...
#133
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-You know, it's just a joke. -What's the joke, exactly?
#134
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What do you mean?
#135
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My farts don't sound anything like that.
#136
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My farts are long...
#137
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and way louder.
#138
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And they reek.
#139
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So, what's the joke?
#140
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That I had a milder fart than I normally do?
#141
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That nobody's puking from my fart?
#142
⇓
Is that the joke?
#143
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That I farted and no one barfed?
#144
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'Cause that's pretty funny, actually.
#145
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That'd be a great day for me.
#146
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That'd be a great day for me, if I farted and nobody barfed.
#147
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That's not the joke.
#148
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It was just like...
#149
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you know, what if you farted?
#150
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I think we covered what would happen if I farted, Jane.
#151
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You'd throw up your pretty little lunch.
#152
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Okay, everyone, I think it's time to start the meeting.
#153
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The whoopee cushion thing was stupid.
#154
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Uh, Dana, you wanna bring us up to speed
#155
⇓
on what's happening in the Midwest division?
#156
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[man] Can I just ask...
#157
⇓
what's next?
#158
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-Just so I know, what's next? -Sorry?
#159
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Cake batter in my pants, and make it look like I cum in my pants?
#160
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What are you talking about?
#161
⇓
What's the next joke?
#162
⇓
Meatball down my leg, make it look like my ball sack ripped open?
#163
⇓
Brown pie in my undies, make it look like I shit my pants?
#164
⇓
Brown pudding in my shoes,
#165
⇓
make it look like I shooted diarrhea down my leg?
#166
⇓
Make me think I'm mighty sick?
#167
⇓
I'm rushed to the hospital, and there for hours,
#168
⇓
and I miss my family photo tonight.
#169
⇓
Is that the joke?
#170
⇓
That I miss my family photo tonight?
#171
⇓
Nobody wants you to miss your family photos.
#172
⇓
Then what's the joke?
#173
⇓
That while I'm on the operating table,
#174
⇓
a man is rushed in 'cause he was in a car accident,
#175
⇓
and he has a metal bolt through his head,
#176
⇓
but he bleeds out in the waiting room
#177
⇓
because the doctors are too busy
#178
⇓
trying to shove two meatballs in my scrotum
#179
⇓
and cake batter back in my penis?
#180
⇓
Is that the joke...
#181
⇓
on the man's widow?
#182
⇓
You got her, Jane. [chuckles]
#183
⇓
You really got her.
#184
⇓
This is a betrayal on levels that no one's ever seen!
#185
⇓
Permission to go home, lie down and watch some TV,
#186
⇓
and rest up so my face isn't beet red for my family photo tonight?
#187
⇓
Yes, yes.
#188
⇓
Thank you.
#189
⇓
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]
#190
⇓
-Previously on River Mountain High... -You're hiding something.
#191
⇓
What happened that night with Riley?
#192
⇓
-That's a cool shirt. -Yeah, it's a TC Topp from TC Tuggers.
#193
⇓
-Do they come in other styles? -Not really.
#194
⇓
No, yeah, the style is just... Is just basically this.
#195
⇓
Well, thanks, Principal S.
#196
⇓
Yeah. Yeah, thank you for asking about the shirt
#197
⇓
and thinking it's cool, TC Tuggers.
#198
⇓
Yeah, I gotta go.
#199
⇓
Bye, Brandon.
#200
⇓
Think about what I said about TC Tuggers.
#201
⇓
Bye, Claire.
#202
⇓
So, what happened with Riley?
#203
⇓
["Are You Ready For This" by Clear Blue Fire playing]
#204
⇓
[funky music playing]
#212
⇓
Coach is so much nicer on international flights.
#213
⇓
I hope they have good movies.
#214
⇓
Not me, I'm going right to sleep.
#215
⇓
-Going on a big vacation? -[sinister music playing]
#216
⇓
Uh, yeah, it's actually our honeymoon.
#217
⇓
Ah!
#218
⇓
Planning on relaxing? [chuckling]
#219
⇓
Mm-hm.
#220
⇓
Yeah. You want everything to be perfect.
#221
⇓
Yeah, we've actually been looking forward to this for a really long time, so...
#222
⇓
Sure you have, yeah.
#223
⇓
Yeah.
#224
⇓
[inhales]
#225
⇓
Is there anything you're looking forward to doing?
#226
⇓
Just all of it, pretty much.
#227
⇓
[laughs] Lots to do, yeah.
#228
⇓
You're gonna need your energy.
#229
⇓
Yeah. Yeah, I guess we are.
#230
⇓
You know, you want to make it your dream vacation.
#231
⇓
Yep.
#232
⇓
Are you going on a vacation, too?
#233
⇓
Oh, no, no, not me.
#234
⇓
Oh, business then, huh?
#235
⇓
[laughs]
#236
⇓
In a way.
#237
⇓
Well, we should probably get some shut-eye, so...
#238
⇓
Good. That sounds like a good idea, yeah.
#239
⇓
[sniffs]
#240
⇓
-[eerie xylophone playing] -♪ Hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪
#241
⇓
I'm... I'm sorry, do I know you?
#243
⇓
No...
#244
⇓
[in sing-song voice] but I know you.
#245
⇓
[chuckles wickedly]
#246
⇓
It was 1982.
#247
⇓
I was 48, you were nine months.
#248
⇓
We were on a flight from JFK to London.
#249
⇓
Saw you immediately.
#250
⇓
A baby on a seven-hour flight.
#251
⇓
The first hour was bliss...
#252
⇓
then the crying started.
#253
⇓
-[menacing music playing] -Small whimpers at first,
#254
⇓
then came the shrieking.
#255
⇓
Louder.
#256
⇓
Louder.
#257
⇓
Louder.
#258
⇓
Till it filled the whole cabin.
#259
⇓
When I arrived in London, I was a shell of a man.
#260
⇓
Broken.
#261
⇓
You see, I had spent my entire life savings to go to London
#262
⇓
to see my beloved Buckingham Palace,
#263
⇓
so I could see if I could make those soldiers laugh.
#264
⇓
Because of you, I was too tired to do anything funny!
#265
⇓
And I vowed from that day forward that I would devote the rest of my life
#266
⇓
to getting my revenge on you, little baby.
#267
⇓
What are you saying?
#268
⇓
[chuckles]
#269
⇓
Airline seats?
#270
⇓
Seems like a crapshoot.
#271
⇓
Well, not if you go through someone's trash.
#272
⇓
You went through my trash?
#273
⇓
[chuckles wickedly]
#274
⇓
How do you think I got this?
#275
⇓
Oh, my God, what is that?
#276
⇓
-A rat bit me. -Jesus!
#277
⇓
It's not that gross.
#278
⇓
And now, here we are...
#279
⇓
the stars aligned.
#280
⇓
And now, I will exact my revenge.
#281
⇓
I'm gonna cry...
#282
⇓
the whole flight.
#283
⇓
[wailing]
#284
⇓
[continuing to wail]
#285
⇓
[woman] Sir?
#286
⇓
Sir?
#287
⇓
-What?! -You're in this man's seat.
#288
⇓
[man] No, I'm in my own seat.
#289
⇓
I'll show you my ticket right here.
#290
⇓
That's way back there.
#291
⇓
-But can't I stay here? -You can't just sit wherever.
#292
⇓
You can at some concerts.
#293
⇓
Sir, you're back there.
#294
⇓
Shit! Shit!
#295
⇓
Excuse me.
#296
⇓
Oh, that's a good idea,
#297
⇓
move in the direction of where I'm heading.
#298
⇓
Dumb piece of shit!
#299
⇓
-Hey. -Hey.
#300
⇓
[upbeat guitar band playing on earphones]
#301
⇓
[muffled wailing]
#302
⇓
[upbeat music continuing] g on earphones]
#303
⇓
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