Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S08E04 — Charlie and Dee Find Love

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 8, Episode 4 — Charlie and Dee Find Love

I just... I can't believe you just bought, like,

#1

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another ridiculous ugly car.

#2

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You are lucky I am letting you into my goddamn...

#3

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Oh, shit, okay, okay, here she comes, here she comes.

#4

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Okay, see, what is she doing?

#5

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She appears to be delivering food.

#6

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No. That's not what I'm saying-- I know that.

#7

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She's actually delivering Indian food now-- it's a good gig.

#8

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But I mean, why is she not locking up her bike?

#9

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This is a bad neighborhood.

#10

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Oh, shit.

#11

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Okay, look at this guy.

#12

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He's totally gonna steal it.

#13

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I got to move.

#14

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What are you talking about?

#15

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Keep it moving, guy!

#16

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Goddamn it!

#17

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Charlie!

#18

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What are you doing here?

#19

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You're just leaving your bike unlocked?

#20

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I'm protecting it so it doesn't get stolen!

#21

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Okay, you know what?

#22

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I'm done.

#23

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I am so done with this.

#24

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You need to stop stalking me.

#25

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You need to leave me alone.

#26

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Look... do you have any idea what a mess your life would be

#27

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if I wasn't always helping you out?

#28

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I keep a list.

#29

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I keep a list of things that I do, okay?

#30

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I watch your bike so it doesn't get stolen, okay?

#31

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I put, uh... I put vitamins in your shampoo so your hair doesn't fall out.

#32

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I test your food so it doesn't get poisoned.

#33

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Charlie! Listen to me.

#34

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I am finished.

#35

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Stop following me.

#36

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Do you want me to be happy?

#37

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Do you want me to be happy?

#38

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Yes!

#39

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Then stop being around every time I turn around!

#40

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You have to leave me alone!

#41

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You want me to be, like, gone forever?

#42

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Yes. Do you hear me?

#43

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Yeah, I hear you. It's... Okay.

#44

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Okay, so this is good-bye?

#45

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Yeah. Good-bye, I guess.

#46

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Great.

#47

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Okay, good. Thank you.

#48

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Bye. Goddamn.

#49

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Charlie.

#50

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Oh, shit, she slammed you, huh?

#51

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Do you want to follow her around some more?

#52

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Nah, whatever, she's, like... she's right, you know?

#53

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Can we just go back to the bar, Dee?

#54

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Mm, no, I'd like to follow her around.

#55

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Uh... goddamn it!

#56

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If you don't have car insurance, you better have dental because I

#57

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am gonna smash your teeth into dust!

#58

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So sorry, that was completely my fault.

#59

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Yeah, it's goddamn your fault, I... Oh... look at you. My God.

#60

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I'm Trevor.

#61

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This is my sister Ruby.

#62

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Hi.

#63

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Hi.

#64

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Hi.

#65

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Hi.

#66

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Oh, geez.

#67

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Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#68

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No. I don't understand.

#69

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None of this is making any sense.

#70

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Dude... what is not to understand, okay?

#71

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We got in an accident, right?

#72

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They felt a little bad about it, one thing led to another, they

#73

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asked us out to, like, a dinner date.

#74

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Who are these people exactly?

#75

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- Trevor and Ruby Taft. Right? - Yeah.

#76

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What do you mean "Taft"?

#77

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Like... the Taft family?

#78

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I don't know.

#79

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Yeah, Taft family, yes.

#80

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That's a good get, Charlie.

#81

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I'm rich, but these people are in the stratosphere.

#82

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Yeah, my whole family was a Taft family.

#83

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My uncles and grandfathers and cousins all worked for TaftCo Enterprises.

#84

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My uncle even drowned in a vat of their molten steel.

#85

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He didn't drown, he burned up.

#86

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Yeah, he probably burned.

#87

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Yeah, I don't think he drowned.

#88

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Either way, this is a great opportunity, okay?

#89

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Do not screw this up, because if you get into a family like this,

#90

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it's like becoming royalty.

#91

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What's the plan for the date?

#92

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The... I mean, no plans.

#93

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We were just gonna be ourselves.

#94

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Ha!

#95

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Don't.

#96

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Do not be yourself.

#97

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No, no, no, that's terrible.

#98

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Be anybody but yourselves.

#99

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Anybody!

#100

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Charlie, do not eat any cheese or any cheese-like substances, okay?

#101

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If you see any cheese, you run away from it!

#102

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Dee, do not be a drunk, punchy whore, okay, you whore?

#103

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But... No, there's no buts!

#104

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There's no buts.

#105

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Do not screw this up for me-- for you... for all of us.

#106

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What is the plan for the date?

#107

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I guess we'll become one of them or something.

#108

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Now, uh, as I understand it, your family came over on the Mayflower?

#109

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Um, yes, they can actually be traced back to the original settlement.

#110

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Oh, yeah. Well, I imagine they destroyed many an Indian.

#111

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Mm.

#112

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I too sort of have distaste for the Indians, you know?

#113

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They're savage things.

#114

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They're nasty, really.

#115

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Right, right, they needed to be exterminated.

#116

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I mean, you hate to say it, but... You do hate to, but it's the truth.

#117

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So congratulations to your family.

#118

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Uh, my family, uh, we were... we were a railroad family.

#119

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That's right, the Vandervelts were a distant relative.

#120

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Right, yeah.

#121

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Well, and I, too, am of a large... um, money-ful family.

#122

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He, too.

#123

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Shippers of-of goods and, uh... Services.

#124

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Builders of... tall... Buildings.

#125

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Would anyone like a drink?

#126

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A drink? No, thank you.

#127

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No, thank you, never will I drink.

#128

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Whoop! Mm...

#129

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It's all right.

#130

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That's all right.

#131

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Is he all right?

#132

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Just talk about a different... I can ignore the cheese.

#133

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It's not... I'm sorry, I can't do it!

#134

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All right, then screw it.

#135

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'Cause I've been eying this guy all night long.

#136

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Excuse me, oh!

#137

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I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

#138

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We've been putting on airs.

#139

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I know I come across, like, super fancy.

#140

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I'm not.

#141

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We're not the blue blood fancy types that you think that we are.

#142

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Thank God!

#143

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We thought we made a huge mistake.

#144

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We like you guys 'cause you aren't anything like the people that we know.

#145

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Really?

#146

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Yes.

#147

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Oh, my God.

#148

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Oh, shit, that is such a relief because look at this pit stain.

#149

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I mean, we're, like, totally, like, normal.

#150

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Oh, I'm sweating like... You like this pit stain?

#151

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That's nasty, yo!

#152

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I've got bodily functions, I'm sorry!

#153

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Hey, guys, can we do some shots?

#154

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Yes! I would love to do some shots.

#155

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Right, see, we're getting after it now!

#156

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We're getting after it!

#157

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No, no, see, this doesn't add up.

#158

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This does not make any sense.

#159

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Why is this going well?

#160

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Can the girl not smell Charlie?

#161

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Can the guy not see Dee?

#162

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Something's fishy.

#163

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Dennis, don't poke holes in this, okay?

#164

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This is like Lady Di being plucked from the streets like

#165

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the trash she was and the trash that Charlie and Dee are.

#166

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No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

#167

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I know what's going on here, guys.

#168

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Now this makes sense.

#169

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See, I know what's happening here.

#170

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This is a Les Liaisons Dangereuses.

#171

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Oh, shit!

#172

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A what?

#173

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Dangerous Liaisons.

#174

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What is that?

#175

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The movie.

#176

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I don't know that movie.

#177

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It was like-like Cruel Intentions.

#178

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She's All That?

#179

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Can't Buy Me Love?

#180

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Almost any movie made in the late '90s?

#181

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Guys, guys, these are the games that rich people with nothing

#182

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but time on their hands play with people that they perceive

#183

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to be below them.

#184

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That girl is just toying with Charlie.

#185

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She's gonna crush him.

#186

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Yeah, I hate to say it, but I think you're right.

#187

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What about Dee?

#188

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What, Dee?

#189

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No, she's constantly being crushed.

#190

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She'll bounce back, she always does.

#191

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Or she won't. It doesn't matter.

#192

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I don't care about that.

#193

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All I care about is Charlie here.

#194

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Now, guys, we got to dig a little deeper.

#195

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Oh!

#196

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Ooh! Ooh!

#197

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Oh, look at this.

#198

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Look at this. Shall we?

#199

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You're going.

#200

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Oh, no, no, no.

#201

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No, you guys are going, right?

#202

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No. Get in the car and leave.

#203

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No, we' c Ping with.

#204

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Don't glom onto this.

#205

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Hi, you guys.

#206

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Hey, you brought some friends.

#207

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No. No. No, not friends. Hobos.

#208

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Yeah. Come on in. The more, the merrier.

#209

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You guys up for some tennis?

#210

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Yeah!

#211

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Yeah. You got booze?

#212

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You got food?

#213

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You got stuff to eat?

#214

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All right.

#215

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All right, Frank, I'll play on Ruby's team, and over the

#216

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course of the game, I'll subtly extract her plan to humiliate Charlie.

#217

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I'll get her.

#218

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Oh, yes, I will definitely have her.

#219

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Whoa, whoa, Dennis, you're not gonna hit on her, right?

#220

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Huh? No, no.

#221

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Look, you sounded like you were gonna try to bang her.

#222

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I'm not gonna hit on her, okay? I'm not gonna try and bang her.

#223

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- Don't. Don't do it. - Just, will you trust me?

#224

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Whoa!

#225

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Come on! Come on, Frank!

#226

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Oh, hey, stay on that side when the ball comes to you.

#227

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No.

#228

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Ball!

#229

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Damn it!

#230

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Hey, yo, Ruby.

#231

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Time out, time out.

#232

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Let's take a little break.

#233

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Yeah?

#234

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Let's take a little breather.

#235

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I thought you said you were good at this.

#236

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I am good.

#237

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It's just, you know, this shirt is, like, ridiculously-tight,

#238

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and it's restricting my play, so, I think I'm just gonna pop it off.

#239

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Oh.

#240

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What do you think about this?

#241

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About what?

#242

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What I'm presenting you.

#243

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I think you look really pale. Do you need some sunscreen?

#244

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Well, it's the first of the season.

#245

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I haven't had a chance to get a base going, you know...?

#246

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Dennis? Dennis?

#247

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What do you think of the pecs? What do you think of...?

#248

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- Dennis?! - What?

#249

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Come here!

#250

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Give me a second, all right?

#251

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What?

#252

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I thought you said you weren't gonna hit on her.

#253

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Am I hitting on her?

#254

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Yeah.

#255

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Oh, shit. Okay.

#256

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No, you're right.

#257

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Okay, I went into default mode. My bad.

#258

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Yeah, all right.

#259

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Hey, do I look pale?

#260

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* Company, always on the run Destiny is the rising sun... *

#261

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What the hell is she doing?!

#262

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She's gonna ruin this whole thing!

#263

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* That's why they call me * Bad company Zee, zah, da, da... *

#264

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* And I can't deny... *

#265

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I love how free and uninhibited you are.

#266

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Oh, yeah?

#267

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How about I free that big fat snake in your pants and

#268

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uninhibit myself all over it?

#269

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What?

#270

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Let's hump.

#271

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Oh.

#272

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Whoops.

#273

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Hey, guys.

#274

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Whoa! Whoa!

#275

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Shit. No. No.

#276

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Oh, sorry. He... You startled me.

#277

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That's a pretty good stance you got there. Are you trained?

#278

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I spent some training, yeah.

#279

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You?

#280

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Yeah. Krav Maga.

#281

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That's cool.

#282

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Judo, karate.

#283

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I got more of a Catholic thing going on.

#284

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You know, sort of the hand of God.

#285

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Stupid idiot. Get out here!

#286

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Beat it. We were in the middle of a thing.

#287

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No, no. That was really cool.

#288

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Could you show me that last move again?

#289

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Get out of here! Go on!

#290

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Get of here!

#291

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We're in the middle of some... the middle of something.

#292

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, whoa.

#293

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Ow.

#294

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Sorry you got a cramp.

#295

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Oh, she's really digging her hooks into him, mm-hmm.

#296

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What a bitch.

#297

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Ugh! Hold on a second.

#298

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Oh, the same person keeps calling me.

#299

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I'm just gonna answer it.

#300

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Hello. Who is this?

#301

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Who? Who is...?

#302

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I don't know that name.

#303

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Who? Who?

#304

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Oh, oh, Waitress.

#305

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Why didn't you just say that?

#306

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Uh, because my name is not Waitress.

#307

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Okay, you know what?

#308

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It doesn't even matter.

#309

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Did Charlie steal my bike?

#310

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What are you talking about?

#311

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Charlie's been with me the entire day.

#312

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How did you get this number?

#313

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I changed it.

#314

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Look, I need my bike back, because if I don't get it back,

#315

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I'm gonna lose my job.

#316

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Look, I don't... Ha, ha, ha, ha, ugh!

#317

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Hello? Hello?

#318

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God! I'm gonna have to change my number again... Holy shit.

#319

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Oh, no. Frank, I just realized something.

#320

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What?

#321

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Without Charlie doing all those insane things he's always

#322

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doing for the waitress, her life is gonna completely change.

#323

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What do you mean?

#324

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Well, so, she's gonna be constantly calling or dropping

#325

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by, looking for answers, so there's a very good chance that

#326

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she's gonna have a front-row seat for the final moment of humiliation.

#327

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And that's gonna destroy Charlie for good.

#328

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What's the final moment of humiliation?

#329

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That's the climactic moment where the rich people reveal

#330

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their twisted game to all their wealthy friends, and everybody

#331

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has a good laugh.

#332

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Okay, Frank, here's what's gonna have to happen.

#333

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You're gonna have to do all of those creepy things on Charlie's

#334

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list to keep the waitress from poking around while this whole

#335

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thing runs its course.

#336

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What are you gonna do?

#337

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Phew!

#338

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I got something very important planned.

#339

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Come in! There's a problem!

#340

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I can't make head or tail of Charlie's chicken scratch!

#341

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Just do the best you can, okay?

#342

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I can't... can't really talk right now.

#343

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Putting rat poison in her shampoo.

#344

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Just gonna make her hair fall out. Crazy.

#345

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I don't know.

#346

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Look, the kid knows her better than anybody else.

#347

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If he puts rat poison in her hair, put rat poison in her hair.

#348

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Look, I'm busy. I can't talk.

#349

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What do you mean, you're busy?!

#350

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This is the whole thing, Dennis!

#351

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I'm just... I'm getting some stuff done, okay?

#352

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Oh, shit!

#353

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I think she just came in.

#354

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I'm getting another call.

#355

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Hold on, hold on. Hello?

#356

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Who? Who?!

#357

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Just say Waitress!

#358

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Look, has Charlie been poisoning me?

#359

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'Cause I've been...

#360

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Frank, you got to step it up with that list, man.

#361

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This bitch is driving me nuts.

#362

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What happened?

#363

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Just, I'm busy, okay?

#364

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Just do it.

#365

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Hello?! Hello?!

#366

⇓

Hello?

#367

⇓

Charlie?

#368

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No. It's your neighbor.

#369

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Can I be, like, perfectly honest with you about something?

#370

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Yeah.

#371

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There's a... there's a girl who lives in this building, and,

#372

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um, well, she's... she's the love of my life.

#373

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Okay.

#374

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And, uh... and I like you so much that before we move any

#375

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further, I just... I don't know.

#376

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I had to get that out there, 'cause I think I'm ready to let

#377

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her go, but I just have to be sure.

#378

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Does that make sense?

#379

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Yeah.

#380

⇓

Charlie? There you are.

#381

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Look, I don't know what kind of twisted game you're playing, but

#382

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you need to make it stop.

#383

⇓

Whoa. Hold on a second.

#384

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I have no idea what you're talking about.

#385

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Really? Because someone's been poisoning me, and something

#386

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is making my hair just fall out.

#387

⇓

Look, calm down, all right?

#388

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I-I... I've been with her the last couple days.

#389

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I really haven't been anywhere near you.

#390

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Yeah, he's been with me.

#391

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Oh, shut up, bitch!

#392

⇓

Who the hell is this, Charlie?!

#393

⇓

Hey! No. She...

#394

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She's my girlfriend.

#395

⇓

Oh, my God.

#396

⇓

Sorry about that.

#397

⇓

Come on.

#398

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Let's get out of here.

#399

⇓

I'm sorry about that. Wow.

#400

⇓

How's this, Trevor?

#401

⇓

Is this cool?

#402

⇓

Very cool.

#403

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Get off me!

#404

⇓

Shut up, Dee!

#405

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I got that stupid bitch.

#406

⇓

Oh! Goddamn it!

#407

⇓

Goddamn it! Oh!

#408

⇓

Clocked him.

#409

⇓

Oh! Oh... Oh, no... Amazing!

#410

⇓

You guys are out of control.

#411

⇓

I'm out of control.

#412

⇓

I'm out of control.

#413

⇓

Yeah, you are.

#414

⇓

Hey, I want to invite you two to a party at our estate tomorrow night.

#415

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My father's going public with TaftCo.

#416

⇓

Oh, well, then... are you sure you want him to come?

#417

⇓

Of course.

#418

⇓

He's practically family.

#419

⇓

Hey!

#420

⇓

Come on, show me some more of those moves.

#421

⇓

Oh, yeah. Okay, well, this next stuff I learned from a

#422

⇓

wrestler called The Maniac.

#423

⇓

So we're gonna have to go ahead and get pretty oiled up.

#424

⇓

Sure.

#425

⇓

Great.

#426

⇓

This is classy as shit, huh?

#427

⇓

Dee, crack that open for me, 'cause it's hurting my hands.

#428

⇓

Yeah. I wonder why he didn't tell us it was black-tie.

#429

⇓

I feel like we're underdressed.

#430

⇓

Because, Dee, Trevor loves us for us.

#431

⇓

Hey.

#432

⇓

Oh, hey!

#433

⇓

Glad you guys could make it.

#434

⇓

Thanks, man! How you doing?

#435

⇓

These are a few of my old frat brothers.

#436

⇓

This is Dee and Mac that I was telling you about.

#437

⇓

Hi.

#438

⇓

What's up, boys?

#439

⇓

How are you?

#440

⇓

Hey, um, I'm sorry that we're not dressed appropriately.

#441

⇓

I mean, you guys all look so good.

#442

⇓

Oh, well, the attire at these sorts of events are... well,

#443

⇓

things my friends and I take for granted.

#444

⇓

Don't be embarrassed, though.

#445

⇓

You guys didn't know any better.

#446

⇓

No, I should've known better, 'cause I'm practically a Taft myself.

#447

⇓

My uncle's probably built into the foundation of this place.

#448

⇓

Really? Weird.

#449

⇓

Hey, where do you want us to sit?

#450

⇓

Well, you guys'll be out here with some of my frat brothers'

#451

⇓

guests.

#452

⇓

Now, if you'll excuse us, we all have some catching up to do.

#453

⇓

Oh, yeah. We'll... we'll meet you af... we'll see you after.

#454

⇓

Kind of weird, right?

#455

⇓

Yeah, but at least we can make fun of these dorks all night long, right?

#456

⇓

That'll be fun. Geeks!

#457

⇓

Oh, no, Mac.

#458

⇓

I see what's going on here.

#459

⇓

He's doing to us what I like to do to Charlie and the waitress.

#460

⇓

Huh?

#461

⇓

Oh, no. Follow me.

#462

⇓

Oh!

#463

⇓

I got that stupid bitch.

#464

⇓

Oh! Goddamn it!

#465

⇓

Oh!

#466

⇓

Man, biggest losers ever.

#467

⇓

You know it.

#468

⇓

Oh!

#469

⇓

Oh!

#470

⇓

That's two for one, fellas.

#471

⇓

Come on, pay up, pay up.

#472

⇓

Those two are by far the worst we've ever had. Let's go.

#473

⇓

Goddamn it.

#474

⇓

I can't believe it.

#475

⇓

That's a tough pill to swallow.

#476

⇓

What are you doing here?

#477

⇓

You know, they're not the only ones who know how to play these games.

#478

⇓

Huh?

#479

⇓

What?

#480

⇓

I'm saying I also know... I have a thing.

#481

⇓

Just come with me. Come with me.

#482

⇓

All right, folks, if you could settle down, please?

#483

⇓

If I could have your attention.

#484

⇓

Uh, thank you all for being here tonight.

#485

⇓

I, uh, I wanted you all here so that I could tell you this.

#486

⇓

I've decided to go public with TaftCo Enterprises.

#487

⇓

Wonderful! Oh, bravo!

#488

⇓

Excuse me. Fantastic, Neil!

#489

⇓

Good for you! Good for you!

#490

⇓

Too bad when you do, the SEC's gonna be all up in your ass.

#491

⇓

What?

#492

⇓

You see, you thought you all could get together and play your

#493

⇓

little games, have some fun, you know, invite some geeks to the

#494

⇓

ball, swap some stories, have a laugh. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

#495

⇓

But you took it a little too far... when you gave an

#496

⇓

inside-trading tip to my friend Mac, didn't you, Trevor?

#497

⇓

What are you talking about?

#498

⇓

Pedro.

#499

⇓

And by the way, my father's going public with TaftCo next

#500

⇓

week, so buy stock today at 34, not 36.

#501

⇓

Cool. Yeah, I'll call my broker.

#502

⇓

Right, call your broker.

#503

⇓

Ooh... you ready for round two, big guy?

#504

⇓

This-this is taken out of context.

#505

⇓

What was the context?

#506

⇓

Wrestling.

#507

⇓

It's wrestling.

#508

⇓

We're oiled up and wrestling.

#509

⇓

What is so hard to understand about this?!

#510

⇓

Nice, huh?

#511

⇓

Trevor... you imbecile!

#512

⇓

Why would you tell him that?

#513

⇓

I didn't know I was being filmed.

#514

⇓

If you're in my room, you're always being filmed.

#515

⇓

It's true.

#516

⇓

It's his thing, it's kind of creepy, but... But that's not all, everyone.

#517

⇓

You see, Ruby Taft, she likes to play her little games, too, don't you Ruby?

#518

⇓

But I am not gonna let you humiliate my other friend either.

#519

⇓

Cause he might be choosing someone else after all.

#520

⇓

Charlie, phone call for you.

#521

⇓

Charlie, somebody accidentally hit the waitress

#522

⇓

with my car-- their car, when they were following her.

#523

⇓

No... she wants to talk to you.

#524

⇓

She says she really needs you.

#525

⇓

Wait, did she say that, or are you just saying it?

#526

⇓

Yeah, talk to her yourself.

#527

⇓

Charlie, look, I don't know what's been going on, but if you

#528

⇓

think you can make it stop, I need your help.

#529

⇓

I want you back in my life.

#530

⇓

Do you really mean that?

#531

⇓

Yeah.

#532

⇓

I need you.

#533

⇓

Okay. I'll be right there.

#534

⇓

Awesome. Well, I'm out of here.

#535

⇓

What? What are you talking about.

#536

⇓

I'm leaving.

#537

⇓

I'm going to be with the waitress-- she's the woman I love.

#538

⇓

No, but I... I wasn't using you like Charlie was.

#539

⇓

He's a total asshole.

#540

⇓

I really, really, really like you.

#541

⇓

Oh.

#542

⇓

Yeah, I know.

#543

⇓

Okay? I was using you.

#544

⇓

That's why I kissed you in front of the waitress.

#545

⇓

That's why I banged you a bunch of times, just to make the

#546

⇓

waitress jealous.

#547

⇓

Amazing. You slept with me almost instantly.

#548

⇓

And by the way, a quality woman doesn't do that.

#549

⇓

She doesn't say yes right away.

#550

⇓

She says no to a man, for years, like, ten years.

#551

⇓

That's what a real woman does, okay?

#552

⇓

You know what you were acting like? A stupid little rich slut.

#553

⇓

And that's all that you are.

#554

⇓

How can you do this to me?

#555

⇓

Are you still talking?

#556

⇓

Go away, dumb-dumb.

#557

⇓

Go run and hide. Go from me.

#558

⇓

I don't want to see you anymore.

#559

⇓

Women, right?

#560

⇓

Ah, man, all right, cool.

#561

⇓

I'm out! All right!

#562

⇓

I didn't see that coming.

#563

⇓

No.

#564

⇓

Guess Charlie had the cruelest intentions of all, huh?

#565

⇓

Uh, see? Feeling better?

#566

⇓

Yeah.

#567

⇓

You know, I-I've, um, I've been thinking about the restraining order.

#568

⇓

You're gonna get rid of it?

#569

⇓

No. No, no.

#570

⇓

But, um, but I was thinking about reducing it from, like, a

#571

⇓

hundred feet to, like... 50 feet?

#572

⇓

Awesome! Okay.

#573

⇓

Okay.

#574

⇓

I can work with that.

#575

⇓

All right.

#576

⇓

Oh, so now? Starting now?

#577

⇓

Yeah, probably.

#578

⇓

Could you just leave the soup there?

#579

⇓

Uh... is this okay over here, or...?

#580

⇓

Uh, I don't think there's 50 feet in this room, so...

#581

⇓

I'll go down the hall. Okay.

#582

⇓

I'll see you tomorrow.

#583

⇓

All right, well, that's fine.

#584

⇓

From a distance, though.

#585

⇓

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#586

⇓