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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S18E07 — Gilligan's Island - A Conspiracy Theorist's Paradise

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 18, Episode 7 — Gilligan's Island - A Conspiracy Theorist's Paradise

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Gilligan's Island: A Conspiracy Theorist's Paradise

Air date: September 21, 2026

Director: Heath Cullens

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Mac and Charlie drink the proverbial Kool-Aid while trying to uncover the mystery of why 'Gilligan's Island' never made it to 100 episodes.

Source: TMDB

↓

- [♪ uplifting music playing] - [door opens]

door door-opens music music-playing opens playing

↓

[Mac] They're online, Charlie! They're online. [chuckles]

charlie chuckles online

↓

- [door closes] - [Charlie] What's online?

charlie closes door door-closes online

↓

I never knew this before, but there are, like, thousands of documents,

documents thousands

↓

unredacted, about what actually went down on that island.

island

↓

- Like interviews, salacious photos... - Yeah, wow, dude, great.

interviews photos

↓

Hey... [stammers] ...can you tell me if this is hot enough? I can't... I can't tell, man.

stammers

↓

Goddamn, dude! That's... that's boiling water.

boiling goddamn water

↓

I mean, yeah, but is it boiling hot or is it just boiling regular?

boiling regular

↓

How is that not burning you?

burning

↓

I don't know. Perk of the boiler man, I guess.

↓

If you think that's hot enough, we're good.

↓

Dude, look how many documents Frank dumped on us this year.

documents dumped frank

↓

All these papers, dude.

papers

↓

I don't care about Frank's documents, Charlie.

care charlie documents franks

↓

I'm talking about online documents. It's a treasure trove.

documents online treasure

↓

Well, I mean, we gotta focus on the offline documents, dude.

documents focus

↓

It's boiling day, okay?

boiling

↓

We got to boil and stain all the year's paperwork, okay?

boil paperwork stain years

↓

If we don't do that, Frank's gonna be pissed.

franks pissed

↓

Speaking of stain, did you bring the dye?

bring speaking stain

↓

- I got Kool-Aid. - Uh...

↓

- Yeah, that'll work, I guess, yeah. - Yeah, dude, ah,

thatll

↓

this is so fascinating, like, how deep this goes.

deep fascinating

↓

Powerful men, millionaires, scantily-clad young women.

powerful women young

↓

I mean, I think we can finally figure out what went down on that island.

figure finally island

↓

- Mmm. - Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

thinking

↓

Yeah, I'm thinking with this Kool-Aid, actually,

thinking

↓

these documents could wind up being pretty delicious.

delicious documents wind

↓

- What? - I'm thinking maybe like a soup

soup thinking

↓

or a stew or something. Good plan, Mac.

plan stew

↓

Did-did you think that that's what I was thinking?

thinking

↓

Because, like, then we're not just throwing them in the trash all stained up.

stained throwing trash

↓

We're going to eat them and then poop them, flush them,

flush poop

↓

We're going to eat them and then poop them, flush them, and then they'll really be gone.

flush gone poop

↓

and then they'll really be gone.

gone

↓

I've been saying the word "online" and "island," like,

island online word

↓

over and over and over again, so it doesn't make any sense.

sense

↓

Yeah. You're going on and on and on about that,

↓

but, dude, I'm not really, like, a current events guy.

current events

↓

Current events?

current events

↓

What island do you think I'm talking about?

island

↓

Scantily-clad women.

women

↓

Millionaires.

↓

Soup is not involved.

involved soup

↓

I'm trying to do a thing

↓

- where I need you... - Gilligan's Island.

island

↓

...and then you were gonna say... Yeah, you got it.

↓

- That was it? I knew it. - Yeah, but I...

↓

[sighs] I thought you were gonna say--

sighs

↓

Was there another island you could have been referencing?

another island

↓

Epstein's Island, and then I was going to be able to deliver that in a cool way.

able cool deliver island

↓

- But it is Gilligan's Island? - Yeah.

island

↓

[♪ "Temptation Sensation" playing]

playing sensation temptation

↓

harlie] It's weird they never got off the island.

island weird

↓

That's the tip of the iceberg with this show, Charlie.

charlie

↓

There's, like, a whole conspiracy about this.

conspiracy whole

↓

They... They didn't do a hundred episodes.

episodes hundred

↓

Okay, so?

↓

A hundred. 100. Do you know what 100 means?

hundred

↓

One less than 200, go on.

less

↓

- No, that would be 199. - 199 one hundreds?

hundreds

↓

- That's like a billion, isn't it? - [stammers]

billion stammers

↓

A show needs to make 100 episodes to get into syndication,

episodes needs

↓

and then if it gets into syndication, it makes money forever.

forever makes money

↓

Oh.

↓

So why stop one short?

short

↓

Maybe somebody wanted it stopped.

somebody stopped wanted

↓

- Right. - [Frank] All right, all right, just...

frank

↓

just throw 'em anywhere.

throw

↓

- [Charlie] What? Whoa! - Don't worry about it.

charlie whoa worry

↓

What is this, dude? We're already up to our ears in boxes.

boxes ears

↓

- You're killing me here. - This is a busy year. A lot of schemes.

busy killing schemes

↓

What the hell are you guys complaining about? At least you get to be inside.

complaining least

↓

Yeah, he's got us painting the outside of the bar in a monsoon.

painting

↓

They destroy the documents. You repaint the bar.

destroy documents

↓

- I lie to the accountant. Tradition. - Yeah.

accountant tradition

↓

- He's got a living heir. - Who? The accountant?

accountant heir living

↓

Sherwood Schwartz, who's the creator of Gilligan's Island.

creator island schwartz

↓

- He's got a grandson. - Okay, so?

grandson

↓

Charlie, take this to its logical conclusion.

charlie conclusion logical

↓

If he's got a living heir, then...

heir living

↓

- [Charlie gasps dramatically] - Ooh.

charlie gasps

↓

What?

↓

We pitch him the final episode and finally give the Schwartz family the episode--

episode family final finally pitch schwartz

↓

We can finally give the Schwartz family the end and we can get...

family finally schwartz

↓

- We can get Gilligan's into syndication. - Stop, stop.

↓

Mac, you have been talking about Gilligan's Island nonstop

island nonstop

↓

for the last 48 hours. I don't know what the fuck is going on.

fuck hours

↓

Nobody's conspiring to stop Gilligan's Island

conspiring island nobodys

↓

from making 100 episodes.

episodes

↓

That's ridiculous.

ridiculous

↓

If anyone's conspiring, it's the goddamn government taxing us endlessly.

anyones conspiring goddamn government

↓

What are they even spending it on? I mean...

spending

↓

Aliens, and not the Mexican kind, the ones from outer space.

aliens mexican ones outer outer-space space

↓

- I saw a whole documentary on it. - I saw that too.

documentary whole

↓

- Did you see it? - That was crazy.

crazy

↓

- [Frank, Mac] Yeah. - Where they're-they're in the ocean--

frank ocean

↓

To steal our technology.

steal technology

↓

[Charlie] They're down there trying to steal our tech.

charlie steal tech

↓

- It's the Bluetooth. - It's the Bluetooth.

bluetooth

↓

- They're after the Bluetooth. - [Frank] Yeah.

bluetooth frank

↓

Aliens are traveling across the galaxy... [chuckles]

aliens chuckles galaxy traveling

↓

...with that technology to steal our technology,

steal technology

↓

Bluetooth, that never works

bluetooth works

↓

and never pairs with our printers that also never work.

pairs

↓

Good theory! All right, just stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

drinking theory

↓

I only drank, like, a little bit of it, so...

drank

↓

That's not what I was talking about.

↓

I was talking about the metaphorical Kool-Aid. You happen to be drinking both.

drinking happen

↓

All right? Listen, guys.

↓

Boil, toil, and for the love of God, stop talking about Gilligan's Island.

boil island love

↓

- [Dennis] Come on, let's go. - [Frank] We got more documents to get.

dennis documents frank

↓

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Hey, Charlie?

charlie

↓

I got to show you something.

↓

[♪♪ Gilligan's Island intro music playing]

intro island music music-playing playing

↓

- Right? - Uh, yeah.

↓

Gilligan, the Skipper too, the millionaire and his wife,

gilligan millionaire skipper wife

↓

the movie star and the rest.

movie rest star

↓

And the rest.

rest

↓

Is there anything strange about that opening to you, Charlie?

charlie opening strange

↓

Yes, dude, like, where was the color?

color

↓

Oh, they... they went to color in season two.

color season

↓

Oh, yeah, okay, cool.

cool

↓

Can you imagine being there when people became color?

became color imagine

↓

Like, what that was like for everybody?

everybody

↓

Look around and being like, you know, like,

↓

"Oh, God, we're all color now," like...

color

↓

Crazy time.

crazy

↓

You know, people have always been color, right?

color

↓

Since season two of Gilligan's Island, you're saying.

island season

↓

Either way, we're focusing on the wrong things, okay?

focusing

↓

We need to figure out

figure

↓

why they didn't want us thinking about those two characters.

characters thinking

↓

"And the rest"? Why not just say their names?

names rest

↓

Okay, so, the Professor, he is a man of science.

professor science

↓

He can make a radio out of a coconut, but he can't fix a boat?

boat coconut radio

↓

Weird, actually, when you think about it.

weird

↓

I think the Professor is the linchpin that blows this whole thing wide open.

blows open professor whole wide wide-open

↓

Professor, yeah, yeah. Too bad we can't talk to him, yeah.

professor

↓

Maybe we can.

↓

[♪ comical music playing]

music music-playing playing

↓

What do they put in these things?

↓

[audience laughing]

audience laughing

↓

[chuckles] Isn't this cool, man?

chuckles cool

↓

Look, if you're gonna solve a conspiracy, you gotta have some good reenactments.

conspiracy solve

↓

Dude, how did we get here?

↓

In our minds. We're imagining it as we're talking about it.

imagining minds

↓

- It's just so much more fun. - Oh.

fun

↓

- That is a good way to do it. - Yeah.

↓

There you two are.

↓

Oh, Dennis is the Professor. That makes sense.

dennis makes makes-sense professor sense

↓

Well, yeah, it makes sense. Again, we're the ones imagining it.

imagining makes makes-sense ones sense

↓

We're in your apartment talking about it, imagining this happening.

apartment imagining

↓

We're imagining, yeah, we did say he would be the Professor.

imagining professor

↓

- Okay, I get it. I get what's going on. - You got it?

↓

Use this brush to keep the fire going for the stewpot.

brush fire

↓

We'll head to the other side of the island to harvest the giant vegetables

giant harvest head island side vegetables

↓

from the radioactive seeds.

seeds

↓

- Whoa, radioactive seeds. Good pot. - [Mac] Oh.

seeds whoa

↓

[Frank chuckles] Reporting for duty, Professor.

chuckles duty frank professor reporting

↓

We hear that manual labor is very rewarding.

labor manual rewarding

↓

Right, Lovey?

↓

Well, it'll be most rewarding when it's over.

itll rewarding

↓

- [audience laughing] - Yeah. So funny.

audience funny laughing

↓

Goddamn it, why am I Mrs. Howell?

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

- Because I'm imagining you as her. - [Dee] No, no, no, no.

imagining

↓

- I gotta be Ginger or Mary Ann. - [Frank] Mmm.

frank ginger mary

↓

You know, 'cause I've got, like, the glamour of a movie star

glamour movie star

↓

mixed with that, uh, spunky, girl-next-door charm.

charm door girl mixed

↓

Dee, you have neither.

↓

You are a hollowed-out husk of a woman way past her prime.

husk past prime woman

↓

- [audience laughing] - You're more Mrs. Howell.

audience laughing

↓

- What? - Should I be the Skipper?

skipper

↓

Why are they arguing with us if it's our imagination?

arguing imagination

↓

Well, we're a very argumentative crew,

crew

↓

- and I'm just imagining them fighting... - [Charlie] Yeah, for sure.

charlie fighting imagining

↓

- ...over everything all the time. - Arguing happens constantly.

arguing constantly happens

↓

Yeah, you know what else I'm picturing?

picturing

↓

[yelps] Ow!

yelps

↓

- [audience laughing] - Oh, goddamn it!

audience goddamn goddamn-it laughing

↓

You coconuted her, and you're picturing her in pain, which is funny.

funny pain picturing

↓

No, that really hurt. Fine, fine, I'll be Mrs. Howell.

hurt

↓

Yeah, no. I'm okay as I am. Come on, Lovey.

↓

Those vegetables won't harvest themselves. [chuckles]

chuckles harvest vegetables

↓

- Come. - If only!

↓

- Let's go. - Yeah, before you get another coconut.

another coconut

↓

[stammers] He didn't wanna get coconuted. [chuckles]

chuckles stammers

↓

Oh, hey, hey, Professor, a word.

professor word

↓

Um, hey, before you get started on those vegetables, um, can I ask you a question?

question started vegetables

↓

Why don't you just fix the boat?

boat

↓

- [♪ comical music playing] - Fix the boat?

boat music music-playing playing

↓

Yes, like, fix it and get us off the island.

island

↓

Yeah, I mean you built that. You're talking about radioactive shit.

built

↓

Yeah, you got a wheelbarrow, you got a house...

house

↓

As far as I know, there's just a hole in a boat.

boat hole

↓

It's just a hole in the boat, so you want to try to use the wheelbarrow tech.

boat hole tech

↓

Well, I suppose from an engineering standpoint, I could use--

engineering suppose

↓

Ah-ah-ah, Professor. [chuckles]

chuckles professor

↓

If we don't get going, the vegetables will be eaten up

eaten vegetables

↓

by the wild animals before we can get to them.

animals wild

↓

The birds.

birds

↓

You can't trust the birds.

birds trust

↓

[Professor] You're absolutely right.

absolutely professor

↓

The vegetables are vulnerable.

vegetables vulnerable

↓

Boat talk can wait.

boat

↓

- [Mac grunts] - Whoa.

grunts whoa

↓

- That was weird, dude. - That was weird.

weird

↓

- Yeah, what does she mean about the birds? - Yeah.

birds

↓

- You can't trust the birds? - What?

birds trust

↓

- What's up with the birds? - No, no, I meant that the Howells

birds meant

↓

were stopping the Professor from fixing the boat.

boat fixing professor stopping

↓

The birds are... They've got nothing to do with it, dude.

birds

↓

[stammers] You're off on the wrong foot.

foot stammers

↓

Yeah. You know, speaking of the wrong feet, I think I put my shoes on backwards.

backwards feet shoes speaking

↓

[audience laughing]

audience laughing

↓

That is so stupid. That is the dumbest joke.

dumbest joke stupid

↓

Why do you keep getting a laugh track, huh?

laugh track

↓

I'm just... I'm picturing getting a laugh track.

laugh picturing track

↓

- Don't whack me. - And then they...

whack

↓

- [audience booing] - What is that?

audience booing

↓

It's some boos and some "oohs" and some "ahs."

boos

↓

- It's not an "ooh" show. - It is now.

↓

- [audience laughing] - [Mac groans]

audience groans laughing

↓

- This is bullshit. This is bullshit. - There we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

bullshit

↓

- Hey man, why no girls, right? - Oh.

girls

↓

Ginger, Mary Ann, like, why aren't we picturing them?

ginger mary picturing

↓

'Cause I hate women and I don't want to think about them.

hate hate-women women

↓

- Oh, is that why? - Yeah, look...

↓

Do you mind if I just picture them really quick? No, it's all right. I--

mind picture quick

↓

No. You're thinking about the wrong things.

thinking

↓

Look, man, we got to get into Sherwood Schwartz's head.

head

↓

- Right. - Wh... What did he want us to think?

↓

The man was a genius. What was he trying to tell us?

genius

↓

The man was a genius. What was he trying to tell us? I mean, this is the guy that created The Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island.

brady bunch created genius island

↓

I mean, this is the guy that created The Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island.

brady bunch created island

↓

- Right. Okay, he's giving us clues. Uh... - Yes.

clues giving

↓

Islands, uh, kids, uh,

kids

↓

- yeah, it's all come full circle. - [audience laughing]

audience circle full laughing

↓

This is so stupid.

stupid

↓

It's not even up to Sherwood Schwartz's standards.

standards

↓

- Hey! - [audience booing]

audience booing

↓

That? It's just not a boo show, okay? It doesn't boo.

↓

- They don't boo anything. - Can we just boil?

boil

↓

Because that's what we're supposed to be doing.

supposed

↓

Yeah, why are we getting relegated to boiling? It doesn't make any sense.

boiling sense

↓

- You know what? I think these are done. - What are?

↓

The documents. These are good to go, man.

documents

↓

Radioactive vegetables. What was Schwartz trying to tell us?

schwartz vegetables

↓

The Howells were rich and powerful.

powerful rich

↓

- Rich, yeah. - So the... [stammers]

rich stammers

↓

Like, controlling science, chemicals...

chemicals controlling science

↓

Maybe he was trying to warn us about chemtrails. I gotta figure this out.

figure warn

↓

Well, I gotta take this to the trash chute

trash

↓

before I leave a chemtrail in my apartment. [chuckles]

apartment chuckles

↓

I miss the laugh track, yeah.

laugh miss track

↓

[door closes]

closes door door-closes

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

[Dee echoing] You can't trust the birds.

birds echoing trust

↓

[Charlie] Bird! Bird!

bird charlie

↓

Dude, I saw a bird, like a... [stutters] ...carrier pigeon.

bird pigeon stutters

↓

Okay, watching me dumping the documents. Remember what the Howells said?

documents dumping remember watching

↓

"You can't trust the birds." They said it themselves, dude.

birds trust

↓

And there's a bird out there.

bird

↓

- Holy shit, dude. - Right?

holy

↓

I'm thinking, like, maybe it's a government spy or something

government thinking

↓

that's gonna spy on us and it's gonna tell our secrets to the government.

government secrets

↓

- That's the only explanation, man. - That doesn't make any sense.

explanation sense

↓

That's not what I was talking about at all.

↓

- Yeah? - I'm talking about your shirt.

shirt

↓

The logo from the receipt.

receipt

↓

Oh, shit. Okay, I see that. You know what happened, dude?

happened

↓

I don't think it boiled all the way through.

boiled

↓

I don't think it boiled all the way through. That's on me. That's my bad. I should've... I should've looked closer.

boiled closer looked shouldve

↓

That's on me. That's my bad. I should've... I should've looked closer.

closer looked shouldve

↓

No, I'm talking about what the actual logo is.

actual

↓

That's Risk E. Rat.

risk

↓

- We haven't been back there for years. - Oh, shit. That's right.

years

↓

Now why would Frank have us boil, like, a really old document like that?

boil document frank

↓

We've already destroyed those documents.

destroyed documents

↓

I smell a rat.

smell

↓

[♪ dramatic chord plays]

dramatic plays

↓

- [sniffs] I smell that too, yeah. - Yeah.

smell sniffs

↓

It's probably under the boxes.

boxes

↓

- There's definitely a dead rat. - Yeah.

dead

↓

- There's multiple dead rats. - There it is. I see it.

dead multiple rats

↓

- You saw it? Yeah. - Yeah. I'll get it.

↓

This one's for a Cybertruck

cybertruck ones

↓

This one's for a Cybertruck and this is for the water park.

cybertruck ones park water water-park

↓

and this is for the water park.

park water water-park

↓

- Yeah, dude, this is weird. - [Frank] Whoo, whoo!

frank weird whoo

↓

Oh, my goodness.

goodness

↓

Whoo! You guys are so lucky you're in here where it's warm.

lucky warm whoo

↓

- It's terrible outside. I-- - Hey.

↓

- What am I looking at? - You tell us, Frank.

frank looking

↓

The receipts, old receipts. Why do you have us boiling old receipts?

boiling receipts

↓

Yeah, what's the deal, dude?

deal

↓

Well, it's duplicates.

↓

It's doubles.

↓

That's the oldest accounting trick in the book.

accounting book oldest trick

↓

An accounting trick. That's your explanation?

accounting explanation trick

↓

Yeah, accounting trick.

accounting trick

↓

That does seem logical.

logical

↓

- You're buying that? - Yeah, I think...

buying

↓

All right, but there's weirder shit going on, Frank.

frank weirder

↓

Like, what's your explanation for, uh,

explanation

↓

why the castaways never got off of Gilligan's island, huh? [scoffs]

island scoffs

↓

Well, they did. They did.

↓

- [Charlie] They did? - [Frank] Yeah, they got off.

charlie frank

↓

- They got off in the movies. - What movies?

movies

↓

They made three TV movies, and they got off the island,

island movies three

↓

but they had to get back on the island

island

↓

because there's no show if they're off the island.

island

↓

- [chuckles] - TV movies? Wha... Wha--

chuckles movies

↓

Yeah, they had three of them.

three

↓

- And the Harlem Globetrotters were there. - What?

↓

- You know about this, Mac? - [Frank exclaims]

exclaims frank

↓

Stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

drinking

↓

- Get back to work. - All right.

↓

- Both of you. - [Charlie] Okay.

charlie

↓

- I gotta go back out and paint. - Yeah.

paint

↓

[Frank] Is this white?

frank white

↓

- [Charlie] All right, good. Yeah. - That's what I want. I'm going.

charlie

↓

Talking about Globetrotters. Dude, what is he talking about?

↓

You remember Harlem Globetrotters?

remember

↓

He's right. I forgot about the movies 'cause I...

forgot movies

↓

- you know, I don't consider them canon. - Seems crazy to me.

consider crazy seems seems-crazy

↓

- So what happened in the TV movies? - What do you think, dude?

happened movies

↓

[♪ instrumental of "Sweet Georgia Brown" playing]

brown georgia instrumental playing sweet

↓

- [Mac] Basketball. - Mac, what the hell's happening?

basketball hells

↓

The Harlem Globetrotters played robots

played robots

↓

to save the island from an evil billionaire.

billionaire evil island save

↓

What? Dude, I didn't imagine that.

imagine

↓

I'm imagining it and I'm imagining all of him.

imagining

↓

[audience laughing]

audience laughing

↓

Don't make them laugh at that because they weren't there yet

laugh

↓

- with that kind of humor. - Get off the court, Gilligan.

court gilligan humor

↓

[audience cheering]

audience audience-cheering cheering

↓

- Dee, what are you wearing? - Made a helmet.

helmet wearing

↓

Now you can't conk me with a coconut, you dumb bitch.

bitch coconut dumb dumb-bitch

↓

- [audience laughing] - [grunts] Professor, Lovey.

audience grunts laughing professor

↓

Uh, we have some unfinished business.

business

↓

- Oh. Yes. - Yes, yes.

↓

- [Frank grunts] All right. - Oh. Yes.

frank grunts

↓

- [exclaims] That was close. That... Nah. - [exclaims] Yeah.

close exclaims

↓

- I'm sorry, man. I tried. - Yeah.

tried

↓

All right, well, what's the deal? Where are they going off to?

deal

↓

Oh, there's this whole subplot where Mr. Howell

whole

↓

steals the rare but valuable mineral, supremium, while everyone's distracted.

distracted everyones rare steals valuable

↓

Supremium? You know, I gotta say, none of this really feels up to the standards

feels standards

↓

- of the Gilligan's episode to me. - It doesn't make any sense.

episode sense

↓

- No, right? - Like, why would they let the guy make

↓

three nonsensical TV movies but not a hundredth episode?

episode movies three

↓

It's crazy, it's madness.

crazy madness

↓

It's like they were, um... [smacks lips]

lips smacks smacks-lips

↓

Dude, look at the scoreboard.

↓

100.

↓

[Mac] 101.

↓

Sherwood Schwartz is trying to send us a message through this bad episode.

episode message schwartz send

↓

- SOS. - SOS. I didn't get my hundredth episode.

episode

↓

I didn't want it to be this madness.

madness

↓

Robots and-and Globetrotters

robots

↓

and-and rare Earth minerals with stupid names like unobtanium.

earth names rare stupid

↓

Uh, oh, supremium, you mean.

↓

Unobtanium is from Avatar, which is, like,

avatar

↓

the highest-grossing movie franchise of all time.

franchise highest movie

↓

All right. Well, then which one is vibranium?

↓

Oh, that was from Black Panther. That's a mineral from Wakanda.

black panther

↓

- Ah. Well, Wakanda forever. - Wakanda forever, right?

forever

↓

- Yeah. Wa... Yeah. - Wakanda forever.

forever

↓

Well, those are good names. But-But supremium?

names

↓

- Come on. That's just silly. - That's stupid. Yeah.

silly stupid

↓

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. It just doesn't feel real, you know.

real

↓

[Charlie] You know what?

charlie

↓

- I don't think that bird's real. - Of course not.

birds course real

↓

[Charlie] Oh, no. Not that bird. The one on the windowsill.

bird charlie

↓

That bird... That bird's been sitting there for days, man.

bird birds days sitting

↓

I've never seen it blink once. It's not moving in the rain.

blink moving rain seen

↓

Kind of makes you think, like, are birds real?

birds makes real

↓

Birds are very much real, Charlie.

birds charlie real

↓

- You're sure? - That is a real bird.

bird real

↓

- I'll show you. - Yeah? You think?

↓

It's just weird that it's sitting there in the...

sitting weird

↓

- [♪ tense music playing] - What the...

music music-playing playing tense tense-music tense-music-playing

↓

Holy shit, dude, this bird's fake.

birds fake holy

↓

- [screams] - It's plastic.

plastic screams

↓

I knew it! Birds aren't real, dude!

birds real

↓

My God, look, it's got, like, a camera in its eye!

camera

↓

- [screams] - It's been spying on us.

screams spying

↓

What? What is happening, man? What is going on?

↓

Mac, Mac! The bird in the hall!

bird hall

↓

The bird in the hall is a camera! Come on!

bird camera hall

↓

There it is, dude.

↓

Spying on us, man.

spying

↓

Fuck you, government spies!

fuck government spies

↓

[pigeon cooing]

pigeon

↓

- [Mac grunts] - [pigeon squawks]

grunts pigeon

↓

Oh, God.

↓

- Oh. that was a... That was a living one. - That one was living.

living

↓

- Yeah, that was... that was real. - That was living.

living real

↓

Well, now I'm confused.

confused

↓

Hang on. Dude, it's not raining out.

hang raining

↓

[♪ tense music playing]

music music-playing playing tense tense-music tense-music-playing

↓

- Well, maybe it stopped. - No, it was just...

stopped

↓

It was just raining.

raining

↓

How can it not be raining here and... [screams]

raining screams

↓

[stammers] It's raining. What the...

raining stammers

↓

- What is going on, dude? - What is happening, dude?

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

- [Mac] Cricket? - [Charlie] What?

charlie cricket

↓

- [Mac] Cricket? - [Charlie] What? What the hell are you doing?

charlie cricket

↓

What the hell are you doing?

↓

Whoa! [exhales sharply]

exhales exhales-sharply sharply whoa

↓

Hey, doing what I do best, baby.

baby best

↓

Getting paid to spray. [grunts, laughing]

grunts laughing paid spray

↓

Actually, uh, truth is I'm usually on the receiving end.

receiving truth usually

↓

But no, Frank paid me to, uh, clean your windows.

clean frank paid windows

↓

- Well, can you stop already? - Oh, no.

↓

No, no, no, no. Frank told me to-to spray all day.

frank spray

↓

Yeah, I'm getting paid by the hour, see?

hour paid

↓

See, I'm, uh... I'm saving up to get my teeth sharpened.

saving sharpened teeth

↓

Yeah, and not just for protection. It's actually more of a...

protection

↓

like a vibe thing, you know what I mean?

vibe

↓

- Can I ask you guys a question? - He's not gonna stop spraying, dude.

question spraying

↓

[Cricket] You think I still got it?

cricket

↓

Why would Frank be wearing a raincoat if it's not actually raining?

frank raincoat raining wearing

↓

I don't know, dude. It's weird. Okay, let's think about this.

weird

↓

He-He was kind of dressed like the Skipper in the opening of Gilligan's Island.

dressed island opening skipper

↓

You know, when the weather starts getting rough.

rough starts weather

↓

Well, if Frank is the Skipper, then that makes you and I...

frank makes skipper

↓

Well, if Frank is the Skipper, then that makes you and I... [♪ quizzical music playing]

frank makes music music-playing playing skipper

↓

[♪ quizzical music playing]

music music-playing playing

↓

- The rest? - The bullshit side characters

bullshit characters rest side

↓

who don't get to do anything

↓

- while the rich and powerful take over! - We're the rest?

powerful rest rich

↓

Goddamn it, dude. What...

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

- [♪ comical horn playing] - Wait a second.

horn playing second

↓

The paint can that Frank took earlier, that was white.

frank paint white

↓

Is this white?

white

↓

- That's what I want. - [Charlie] Dude, what is going on?

charlie

↓

[stammers] The bar sign is green. Why would he get white paint?

green paint sign stammers white

↓

[stammers] The bar sign is green. Why would he get white paint? No, but you know what is white?

green paint sign stammers white

↓

No, but you know what is white?

white

↓

The White House.

house white white-house

↓

You know what else is white?

white

↓

Uh, probably, like, Madonna's cars.

cars

↓

Yeah, we're gonna get on the same page.

page

↓

I promise we're gonna get on the same page at some point, yeah.

page point promise

↓

Baseballs.

↓

Correct. And?

correct

↓

- Half a zebra. - The b...

half zebra

↓

All of those are correct but not pertinent to what we're talking about.

correct

↓

Okay. Sure, I thought I had it.

↓

- What's the name of the boat? - The Love Boat.

boat love name

↓

The SS Minnow.

↓

- Oh, yes-- from Gilligan's Island. Yes. - Yeah.

island

↓

It was white. What are they up to?

white

↓

- We gotta go to the bar. - Okay.

↓

I figured it out.

figured

↓

They're not in there fixing the bar. They're fixing the boat.

boat fixing

↓

They are pitching Sherwood Schwartz's grandson the hundredth episode,

episode grandson pitching

↓

leaving us stranded on the island.

island leaving stranded

↓

That's why they were spying on us with the pigeon camera.

camera pigeon spying

↓

That's why they were spying on us with the pigeon camera. Yes, yes. Think about it, dude.

camera pigeon spying

↓

Yes, yes. Think about it, dude.

↓

The second that we start poring through documents, Frank comes in.

comes documents frank second start

↓

He... [stammers] ...redirects us.

stammers

↓

Oh, my God, dude.

↓

They don't want us to find out the truth, but we did. We did.

truth

↓

[stammers] Wait, wait, wait, wait. One second, one second.

second stammers

↓

Before we barge in there, dude.

barge

↓

Frank actually has paid Cricket to wash our windows before.

cricket frank paid wash windows

↓

It's just something he's been doing for the last couple of years.

couple years

↓

And we set up hidden cameras on each other all the time.

cameras hidden

↓

You know, try to keep the other guy from pounding off.

pounding

↓

You never know when there's a camera, so you don't pound off as much.

camera pound

↓

Sure.

↓

Maybe the tax guy might be in there.

might

↓

What if the tax guy's in there?

↓

We might blow up this whole thing.

blow might whole

↓

We're gonna blow the whole thing because we didn't do our jobs, man.

blow jobs whole

↓

We have been drinking a lot of Kool-Aid, dude.

drinking

↓

- Right. That's what I'm saying. - I think maybe we... spun out.

spun

↓

We were so sure about the bird in the hall.

bird hall

↓

- Look what happened to the bird. - Now we're out in the sunlight.

bird happened sunlight

↓

- I know! - We've properly come to our senses, right?

properly senses

↓

It's crazy to think they're pitching Gilligan's Island

crazy island pitching

↓

to the grandson of some dude.

grandson

↓

- Like, what are we talking about, man? - We totally went crazy.

crazy

↓

- We went crazy. We went crazy. - We went crazy, man.

crazy

↓

[Dennis] By applying wheelbarrow technology to a boat...

applying boat dennis technology

↓

[Charlie, Mac exclaims]

charlie exclaims

↓

- [Mac] I knew it! The conspiracy is real! - ...we could... Oh, shit.

conspiracy real

↓

- Oh, you lied to us! - Yeah! You're... You're stealing our pitch.

lied pitch stealing

↓

- Are you stealing it? - And you're Gilligan?

gilligan stealing

↓

Uh, well, that actually tracks because she's got the same body...

body tracks

↓

- Yes. - ...but I don't love it.

love

↓

This is bullshit. Have you guys been working on this for years?

bullshit working years

↓

Well, we couldn't pitch the episode idea with you guys.

episode idea pitch

↓

Because you guys are all into conspiracy theories and stuff.

conspiracy stuff theories

↓

- Constantly. - There was a conspiracy.

conspiracy constantly

↓

You had us locked in the par--

locked

↓

- Give me the hat. - [stammers] Stop it.

stammers

↓

I'll tell you what, get your own hat. Get your own hat.

↓

- [Charlie] Hey, hey! Stop! - [Dennis] Okay. All right, all right.

charlie dennis

↓

Hey. Yeah, so, um... [chuckles] Yeah, okay.

chuckles

↓

So anyway, so, um...

↓

So anyway, the Professor, uh, realizes that he can use

professor realizes

↓

the same wheelbarrow technology to create a boat, and I... you get it.

boat create technology

↓

[chuckles] What do you think, man?

chuckles

↓

Well, this is great. I would love to see this episode.

episode love

↓

- Really? - You would?

↓

- Oh, wow. - [Frank] Wait.

frank

↓

Well, this would require some back-end compensation.

compensation require

↓

Of course.

course

↓

Okay, so, uh, how's this work?

↓

You fly us out to Hollywood

hollywood

↓

or you want to put us in touch with your agent or...

agent touch

↓

- My agent? - [Dennis stammers]

agent dennis stammers

↓

- Or your grandfather's agent. - His grandfather's agent.

agent grandfathers

↓

I mean, yeah.

↓

Oh, I'm so sorry. I-I think I see the confusion here.

confusion

↓

I'm not related to the creator of Gilligan's Island.

creator island related

↓

W... What?

↓

You got the same last name. We looked you up.

looked name

↓

- We did our own research. - Yeah.

research

↓

There's some confusion online. People have mixed us up before.

confusion mixed online

↓

My grandfather is also named Sherwood Schwartz,

grandfather named schwartz

↓

but he owns a Laundromat in Albany.

owns

↓

- Dude. - Oh, goddamn you. Goddamn you!

goddamn

↓

What are you doing here listening to our pitch

listening pitch

↓

if you're not even related to the guy?

related

↓

I'm sorry, but you seemed so passionate when you approached me,

passionate seemed

↓

and I didn't want to let you down.

↓

I mean, thank you for this, and, you know,

↓

it is a shame they didn't get a hundredth episode.

episode shame

↓

- You lousy basta-- - Oh, shut up!

lousy

↓

- Get outta here! - Get outta here, man!

outta

↓

[Dee] You don't get to say that. Shut up! Shut up!

↓

- [Dennis] Damn it! - What a goddamn waste of time!

dennis goddamn waste

↓

- Yeah. Wow, we really got worked up, huh? - [Mac groans]

groans worked

↓

Well, we probably shouldn't be believing everything we read online.

believing online read

↓

- Oh, yeah. - Maybe not everything is a conspiracy.

conspiracy

↓

Guys, we can't just attribute meaning where there just isn't any.

meaning

↓

I mean, sometimes, guys, there just is no "there" there.

sometimes

↓

[♪ comical music playing]

music music-playing playing

↓

Hey, I got it, an ending that's gonna make Grandpa proud.

ending grandpa proud

↓

The world's finally gonna get all the answers.

answers finally worlds

↓

Wait till everybody sees this.

everybody sees till

↓

Too bad they never will.

↓

[silenced gunshot]

gunshot

↓

[engine revs]

engine revs

↓

[tires squeal]

squeal tires tires-squeal

↓

[♪ jovial music playing]

jovial jovial-music music music-playing playing

↓

[electricity crackles]

crackles electricity

↓

[♪ jovial music continues]

continues jovial jovial-music music music-continues