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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S18E08 — Mac and Dennis Tear Their ACLs

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 18, Episode 8 — Mac and Dennis Tear Their ACLs

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Mac and Dennis Tear Their ACLs

Air date: September 28, 2026

Director: Heath Cullens

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

After a Christmas card catastrophe, Charlie nurses a bedridden Mac and Dennis and deliberates on which one is the originator of all their ideas. Dee and Frank are tired of being the bottom of the communication ladder and decide to flip the script.

Source: TMDB

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[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

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[Charlie] All right, car behind you! Car! Car!

behind charlie

↓

-[Mac] Car. -[Charlie] Clear! All right, clear!

charlie clear

↓

-[Dennis] Clear. -[Mac] Clear.

clear dennis

↓

-Car. Behind you. Car. -Car. Car.

behind

↓

What the hell's going on out here?

hells

↓

All right, clear, clear. The guys are having a race.

clear having race

↓

-[Mac] Clear. -Clear.

clear

↓

-What kind of race? -To settle a dispute. They're beefing.

race settle

↓

-What's the beef? -About which one was the original, okay?

beef original

↓

The original what, Charlie?

charlie original

↓

You guys are killing me with the questions. Okay, okay.

killing questions

↓

They're beefing because they wore the same exact Rudolph sweater, all right?

exact rudolph sweater wore

↓

So, they're having a race to see whose idea it was to wear the sweater.

having idea race sweater wear

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The winner of the race wears the sweater for the Christmas card. Car!

card christmas race sweater wears winner

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-[both] What? -[Charlie] Oh, my God.

charlie

↓

You guys are doing the Christmas card without us?

card christmas

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Look, Dee, this is on a need-to-know basis,

basis

↓

and you do not need to know.

↓

Yeah, look, we wanted a card with a little bit more physical prowess this year,

card physical wanted

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that's why we're doing, like, jumping spin kicks.

jumping kicks spin

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-Great. -You can't do a jumping spin kick, guys.

jumping kick spin

↓

Is that what the ladder's for?

ladders

↓

The ladder's none of your business, Frank.

business frank ladders

↓

-Can you believe this? -Oh, no.

believe

↓

-We should be on that card. -Yes.

card

↓

Dee, don't take it personally. It's not about you.

personally

↓

You know who it's about? It's about Schmitty.

schmitty

↓

Look at this guy. Here's him a couple years ago.

couple couple-years years

↓

"Wishing you a Maui Christmas!"

christmas wishing

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-He's in Maui... -He's in Maui.

↓

...where he's judging a Hawaiian Tropics bikini contest.

bikini contest hawaiian judging

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-Yeah. -All right. The next year,

↓

-"Marry Christmas!" -[Dee] He got married.

christmas married marry

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He's married to one of the models. The year after that...

married models

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[Dee gasps]

gasps

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-..."Season's Breedings!" -[Dee] Breedings.

seasons

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She's bore him some sort of Hawaiian child.

bore child hawaiian

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-[Dee] Oh, wow. -[Charlie] The guy's just embarrassing us

charlie embarrassing

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with these Christmas cards.

cards christmas

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That's why we gotta do the jumping spin kicks, guys.

jumping kicks spin

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-I'm sorry, okay? -But we can--

↓

And we can't take the picture until we do the race.

picture race

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-Yeah, but why don't you just do a trial? -A race is faster.

faster race trial

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-It-It's over in a matter of seconds. -No, this is so stupid.

matter seconds stupid

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You guys are gonna get hurt.

hurt

↓

Shut up, Dee! You're stupid. You're on a need-to-know basis.

basis stupid

↓

-Shut your mouth! Stupid bird. -Guys, go now, now, now, now. All ready?

bird mouth ready stupid

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On your mark.

mark

↓

Get set. Go!

↓

[♪ "Temptation Sensation" playing]

playing sensation temptation

↓

[♪ song ends]

ends song song-ends

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[Charlie] All right,er the?

charlie

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-Yeah. Yeah. -Okay, okay.

↓

-I'll stop moving it. But you gotta keep... -[groans loudly]

groans loudly moving

↓

-Dude, just breathe. -Okay.

breathe

↓

-[grunts] -Okay? You got to keep it elevated.

elevated grunts

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-This is all Mac's fault, dude. -Well, I mean, you guys were both racing.

fault macs racing

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-I'm the original. You know, I-- -The original what?

original

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-What are you talking about? -I create the IP, he-he-he copies it.

copies create

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-Right. The IP? -IP, dude. Intellectual property. Duh.

intellectual property

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-Right, yeah. -My ideas. He copies my ideas.

copies ideas

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He copies my sweaters, the tearing of my most crucial ligaments.

copies crucial sweaters tearing

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-But-- -Son of a bitch!

bitch

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-You know, can you-- -[bell rings]

bell bell-rings rings

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-Yeah. -He copied my bell.

bell

↓

He copied the bell idea. That was my idea.

bell idea

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I don't love the bell. Okay. [stutters, sighs]

bell love sighs stutters

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He's going to town on that bell.

bell town

↓

-Yeah, all right. -Go yell at him.

yell

↓

-Hang on a second, man. -Can you yell at him?

hang second yell

↓

Yo. Ay, ay. You can stop ringing.

ringing

↓

-I heard you. What's up? What's going on? -Hey, Hey.

heard

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Is he in there taking credit for the bells?

bells credit

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Because I'm the one that ordered these bells for Christmas,

bells christmas ordered

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and I feel like these are my idea and I should get credit for it.

credit idea

↓

Okay, yeah, cool. Credit to you.

cool credit

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Is he... Is he wearing the Christmas sweater?

christmas sweater wearing

↓

'Cause I should be the one that's wearing the Christmas sweater.

christmas sweater wearing

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-Who cares about who's wearing it? -No, let's be real, dude.

cares real wearing

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I'm the one that wanted to return to a more traditional model of Christmas,

christmas model return traditional wanted

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as I do with this country, and you know he doesn't care about that.

care country

↓

Yeah, Got you. So, what's up?

↓

Um, I gotta pee really bad, so could you get him out of his room?

room

↓

Why?

↓

Well, because there's only one bathroom in the entire apartment

apartment bathroom entire

↓

and it happened to be in his room, so...

happened room

↓

Okay. Just close the door and go to the bathroom.

bathroom close door

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I just don't want him to be able to hear me make.

able

↓

Uh, I'll have him plug his ears.

ears plug

↓

Can you just get him out of the room

room

↓

-so I can pee? -Oh, my God. Damn it. Give me one second.

second

↓

-I mean, God! -Stay there. One sec.

↓

Hey, uh, Dennis, you got to clear out. Mac wants to use your bathroom.

bathroom clear dennis wants

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Oh. [chuckling] Does he now? Okay, well,

chuckling

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why don't you tell Mac that I will no longer be sharing my IP

longer sharing

↓

or a place to pee pee. [chuckles]

chuckles place

↓

Say it like that, that was a good delivery.

delivery

↓

Dude, come on, where's he gonna piss?

piss

↓

Oh, I'm sure he'll come up with something

↓

just like he comes up with all of his other original ideas. [chuckles]

chuckles comes ideas original

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That was sarcasm. So you know what, label it,

label sarcasm

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because it's best to label sarcasm after you use it.

best label sarcasm

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Can't you guys just, like, settle down and talk to a...

settle

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No, no, no, no, no, no, stay off your knee.

knee

↓

I'll talk to him. I'll-I'll label it. I'll...

label

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-I'm getting up. I'm coming to pee. -[Charlie] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

charlie coming whoa

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Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't-Don't get up. Don't get up. Okay.

whoa

↓

Uh, he said you can't use his bathroom. Uh, or his intellectual property.

bathroom intellectual property

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Uh, he said, you'll come up with something

↓

just like you come up with all the original ideas around here.

ideas original

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-That's... That's true. -Yeah.

↓

Was he being sarcastic?

sarcastic

↓

-Yeah, he was being sarcastic. -[sighs] Why didn't you label it?

label sarcastic sighs

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I forgot, dude. I didn't realize I was gonna have to--

forgot realize

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I want you to remind him whose room it actually was when we first moved in.

moved remind room

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-It was your room? Was it? -But we switched. Yes.

room switched

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-Why'd you switch? -Because I wanted to be in the room

room switch wanted whyd

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with the thermostat because I run cold.

cold thermostat

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He got the bathroom. You got the thermostat.

bathroom thermostat

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But listen, I want you to say it exactly like this.

↓

-"Dennis..." -Dennis.

dennis

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-"...Mac said..." -He'll know it was you. We're the only...

↓

-Okay. -"...if you can't stand the heat,

heat stand

↓

then don't go in the kitchen." And then do it with a wry smile.

kitchen smile

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-Oh, 'cause it's sarcasm. -No, it's a... it's a full-blown joke.

blown full joke sarcasm

↓

So, you say the joke and then you finish with the wry

finish joke

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and the wry is the punctuation at the end.

↓

-And-- -Okay. "Dennis, Mac said,

dennis

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'If you can't take the heat, you gotta get out of the kitchen.'"

heat kitchen

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-Something like that. -That's pretty good. Let's do that one.

↓

And saying that you said it and that it was a quip,

↓

-an aside will give him context for... -Yes.

aside context

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...who's speaking in this apartment where there's only two people

apartment speaking

↓

and one person who's communicating between them, but let's...

communicating person

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-I'll get that all covered. -That's it.

covered

↓

-That sounds great. -Thanks.

sounds thanks

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Okay, so he said... Oh! Uh, sorry.

↓

-Mac said... -Good.

↓

As if anyone else could possibly be saying this.

possibly

↓

-You. -Yeah, but it's not me.

↓

I've been delivering mes... Okay. It's fine. Fine. Whatever.

delivering

↓

So, Mac said that this was originally his room, not yours.

originally room

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-[scoffs] -And then he said, uh,

scoffs

↓

"If you cannot take the heat, don't go in the kitchen."

cannot heat kitchen

↓

Even though the expression, yeah, it's the opposite way around.

expression opposite

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So you're already in the kitchen and you're feeling the heat...

feeling heat kitchen

↓

It would make more sense if you were in the kitchen.

kitchen sense

↓

Either way, he got that wrong.

↓

And then lastly, he said to do one of these,

↓

which is a wry smile that I'm supposed to give you.

smile supposed

↓

-Why would you label it? -I don't know.

label

↓

I don't know what I'm doing. Why would I do any of this?

↓

-You gotta know when to label things when... -Do I?

label

↓

Yeah, because if you do a joke, you have to explain it.

explain joke

↓

-Oh, cool. -Otherwise, it's not as funny.

cool funny otherwise

↓

-Okay. Sounds good. -Okay, well, how about this?

sounds

↓

Why don't you tell my wry little guy who runs so cold

cold runs

↓

to go ahead and crank that heat up, and he can hold his piss forever.

ahead crank forever go-ahead heat piss

↓

I'm sure he's tough enough to do that.

tough

↓

Okay, and then what is that? Is that wry or is that sarcasm?

sarcasm

↓

I think I managed to pull off both.

managed pull

↓

Oh! [quietly] Son of a bitch.

bitch quietly

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Hey. All right, uh, he says, "No go on the bathroom ever again."

bathroom

↓

He says, "I'm sure you're tough enough to hold it."

tough

↓

And then he did something with his face

face

↓

and I have no idea what to label it or not label it.

idea label

↓

Fine, I'll hold it.

↓

-Charlie, crank up the heat. -Uh...

charlie crank heat

↓

Okay. And then do I do something with a smile or do I label this?

label smile

↓

-Just crank it up. -All right. How far am I going here?

crank

↓

All the way.

↓

Ugh, I'm sick and tired of being on the bottom rung of the ladder around here.

bottom ladder sick tired

↓

-Tell me about it. -Getting kicked out of the Christmas card?

card christmas kicked

↓

-Are you kidding me? -Jump spin kick. That's not even clever.

clever jump kick kidding spin

↓

You know what? I doubt that's even what they were gonna do,

doubt

↓

but I know that that ladder factored into the card in some way.

card ladder

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But how? We gotta figure out how.

figure

↓

Mm-hmm. I'll tell you how we're gonna do it. I saw a sticker on that ladder.

ladder sticker

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It came from this hardware store. We're gonna figure out their idea.

figure hardware hardware-store idea store

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We're gonna rip it off and steal it as our own.

steal

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-Smart. -[laughs]

laughs smart

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Hi there. Excuse me. Can we ask you a couple of questions?

couple excuse questions

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A couple of guys come in here recently, medium height, average build?

average build couple height medium recently

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-Yeah, they bought a ladder. -Yeah, a ladder.

bought ladder

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[clicks tongue] Oh!

clicks clicks-tongue tongue

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Yeah, two guys buying a ladder. How could I forget?

buying forget ladder

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Is that sarcasm? I can't tell.

sarcasm

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Yeah, me neither. You gotta label it, pal.

label

↓

Yeah, look, we're looking for a couple of guys

couple looking

↓

and we were not given a ton of information, you know?

given information

↓

We're sort of at the bottom rung of our organization, much like yourself.

bottom organization

↓

-Yeah. -Like me?

↓

Cashier at a hardware store.

hardware hardware-store store

↓

This is my store. I own it.

store

↓

-You own this store? -Oh, no shit.

store

↓

-[Dee whoops] Wow. -Nice.

whoops

↓

Congratulations. That's quite an accomplishment.

accomplishment congratulations

↓

Hey, you know what? That, um, gives me an idea.

gives idea

↓

You would then have the authority

authority

↓

to let us pore through your security footage

footage security

↓

-so we can find the people... -'Cause you're the owner.

owner

↓

...that we came in here looking for.

looking

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Sure. Maybe you wanna look through my books,

books

↓

you know, and check inventory.

check inventory

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Poke around in the safe.

poke safe

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That's sarcasm, if I'm not being clear.

clear sarcasm

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Nice labeling, dickhead.

dickhead

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-We got it 'cause you labeled it. -Yeah.

↓

Ugh. [stammers] Son of a bitch.

bitch stammers

↓

Okay. Apparently, we're gonna have to create some sort of distraction.

apparently create distraction

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What would Mac and Dennis do?

dennis

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Will you shut up about what Mac and Dennis would do, okay?

dennis

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We don't need them. We can come up with our own goddamn original idea.

goddamn idea original

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-Now follow me. -I'm following you.

follow following

↓

-There he is. There's our big guy. -Oh, God.

↓

-Hey, Cricket. -Come on. What do you want now, huh?

cricket

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Let me guess, you want something?

↓

Well, we... It's actually... It's something fun for you to do.

fun

↓

-Oh, yeah? -We-We want you to come with us

↓

to a hardware store and create a diversion.

create diversion hardware hardware-store store

↓

Yeah, make a really big scene.

scene

↓

Frank, Frank, Frank, I don't have to make a scene.

frank scene

↓

I am the scene, baby.

baby scene

↓

I walk in any place of business,

business place walk

↓

people are all over me like flies on crack.

crack flies

↓

-Do flies like crack? -Well, you tell me,

crack flies

↓

does a trick always pay full price?

full full-price price trick

↓

I have no idea.

idea

↓

Well, that... that's a bad example because technically,

example technically

↓

I'm at the lower end of the transaction, if we wanna call it that.

lower transaction

↓

And, uh, you know, after everyone takes their cut,

takes

↓

I'm, uh... Well, I'm basically paying in for the pleasure... [chuckling] ...you know?

chuckling paying pleasure

↓

Which often, hey, don't get me wrong, is very pleasurable.

often

↓

If you don't enjoy it, they won't pay full price.

enjoy full full-price price

↓

-You know, that's-- -I never pay full price. Always haggle.

full full-price price

↓

-Who sets the price, 'cause I'm curious? -[Dee] I'll tell you what.

curious price sets

↓

I'm glad we... I'm glad we got to the bottom of some these whoring tips.

bottom glad tips

↓

-Let's go. -[Cricket] Yeah?

cricket

↓

-Okay. Uh, compensation though. -Come on, Cricket.

compensation cricket

↓

-Yeah. You'll get paid. -We gotta talk compensation.

compensation paid

↓

And no lemons this time.

lemons

↓

All right. Watch me work my magic. [clears throat]

clears clears-throat magic throat watch

↓

[scatting]

↓

Yo, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You... You can't be in here.

whoa

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking for a showerhead.

looking

↓

-Yeah. We talked about... -Wow. It worked like a charm.

charm talked worked

↓

-Let's move. -[Cricket] I'm remodeling, all right?

cricket

↓

I have... Own a duplex. I have a tenant.

↓

And I need-- I need like, uh...

↓

-[whispering] Goddamn it. It's locked. -What would Mac and Dennis do?

dennis goddamn goddamn-it locked whispering

↓

Stop saying that. Hang on a second.

hang second

↓

-Hmm. -I got an idea.

idea

↓

[loud thudding]

loud thudding

↓

-[Frank] Ah! -Whoa!

frank whoa

↓

-Shit. Did you see that? -Nice...

↓

-Yeah. -[Dee laughs]

laughs

↓

They're not the only ones who know how to use a ladder.

ladder ones

↓

[Frank cackles]

cackles frank

↓

Ah! Maybe that was their card idea.

card idea

↓

Bashing a door down with a ladder?

bashing door ladder

↓

Yeah, with the Christmas sweaters and everything,

christmas sweaters

↓

wearing that and that in the card.

card wearing

↓

Well, what would the card say?

card

↓

"We crash you a merry bash-mas?"

bash crash merry

↓

I don't hate it, but I don't think that was their plan.

hate plan

↓

Okay, let's scrub through this footage. It's gotta be on here somewhere.

footage scrub

↓

Hopefully, Cricket's keeping that guy busy.

busy crickets hopefully keeping

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is 15. We said 20.

whoa

↓

Do you want the money or not?

money

↓

Okay, fine, good haggle.

↓

[person on TV] Don't treat it lightly...

lightly person treat

↓

Okay, uh, now that we're all in the same room,

room

↓

-I'd like to just hash this thing out... -Pause.

hash pause

↓

-...and... what? -[Dennis sighs]

dennis dennis-sighs sighs

↓

No talking during JAG. That is a rule.

rule

↓

Another rule. You can have as many vocalizations as you want while paused,

another rule

↓

but no more than six per episode.

episode

↓

Okay, why do you have all these rules? What is this?

rules

↓

Because Mac was always commenting on the men's bodies.

bodies mens

↓

No, because Dennis was always commenting on women's physiques

dennis womens

↓

and what he would fix.

↓

Whatever. Either way, a system was devised.

system

↓

Yeah, a full comment counts as two vocalizations.

comment counts full

↓

Now you can laugh continuously, not excessively.

laugh

↓

If you're moved to tears,

moved tears

↓

you gain an extra laugh or vocalization, so just FYI.

extra gain laugh

↓

-Moved to tears? What... What is this? -Charlie.

charlie moved tears

↓

-What are you talking about? -Charlie, Charlie. JAG is...

charlie

↓

-a nuanced military procedural... -No.

military

↓

...combining the legal drama of A Few Good Men

drama legal

↓

with the thrilling action of Top Gun

action thrilling

↓

[scoffs] You can't just tune out whenever you want to.

scoffs tune

↓

[chuckling] Goddamn, it's not NCIS where you could...

chuckling goddamn

↓

NCIS wouldn't even exist without JAG.

exist

↓

-[Dennis] Right? -JAG is the original.

dennis original

↓

-Yeah. -Resume.

resume

↓

[chattering on TV]

chattering

↓

[Dennis, Mac laugh]

dennis laugh

↓

Pause! You just laughed right after I laughed.

laughed pause

↓

I laughed first. You heard that, right?

heard laughed

↓

I laugh at that line every single time.

laugh line single

↓

Oh, you laugh at that line every single time? Every single time?

laugh line single

↓

Why don't you explain to us what's so funny about that line?

explain funny line

↓

Well, the captain just came at her aggressively,

aggressively captain

↓

and I thought there was something funny about the double entendre.

double entendre funny

↓

Okay, fine. That is what's funny about it. You're right.

funny

↓

But I... You didn't even know what an entendre was

entendre

↓

until I explained to you what an entendre was.

entendre explained

↓

Why don't you rewind it and then see who laughs first?

laughs rewind

↓

-Because I would laugh first. -It's just a laugh.

laugh

↓

-No, no. I'm gonna rewind it. -All right, fine.

rewind

↓

-I didn't even push play yet. -That's two vocalizations each.

push

↓

I'm counting it as two vocalizations each.

counting

↓

No, no, no. Because laughter is not a vocalization.

laughter

↓

Yeah? Cool. All right, fine, resume, resume it.

cool resume

↓

-Jesus, learn the rules the first time. -Goddamn it. Goddamn.

goddamn goddamn-it jesus learn rules

↓

-[chattering on TV] -Pause!

chattering pause

↓

-What? What? Why? -[stammers]

stammers

↓

Bathroom break for those of us who have one. [chuckles]

bathroom break chuckles

↓

Getting a little bit cool and I think we should crank up the heat.

cool crank heat

↓

Trial! We're having a trial. We're having a goddamn trial.

goddamn having trial

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

Goddamn, we've gone through the whole week.

goddamn gone week whole whole-week

↓

What the hell? Where are they?

↓

-[Frank] Who's that? -That's Cricket.

cricket frank

↓

-What's Cricket doing here? -Hey, buddy. No, no, no.

buddy cricket

↓

-No, no. Hey, buddy. - I'll tell you exactly what he's doing.

buddy

↓

He's causing a distraction. Goddamn it. So, we didn't have an original idea.

causing distraction goddamn goddamn-it idea original

↓

-...ask you to leave again. -Yeah, I'm...

↓

-There they are. -There they are. There they are.

↓

-We were right. There's the ladder. -You know, any of this can...

ladder

↓

[Dee] But they're also getting construction hats and coveralls.

construction hats

↓

Why are they stealing all this stuff?

stealing stuff

↓

No paper trail. Oh, they're no dummies.

dummies paper trail

↓

They knew I would go through their trash to find evidence.

evidence trash

↓

-Of course you would. -These guys are good.

course

↓

What the hell, Cricket?

cricket

↓

Why didn't you tell us you were helping Mac and Dennis steal stuff?

dennis helping steal stuff

↓

Oh. That information was on a need-to-know basis.

basis information

↓

-I didn't think you needed to know. -Okay, well, we do.

needed

↓

Yes, we do. What's the plan, Cricket?

cricket plan

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa. [chuckles] Slow down here, all right? Payment first.

chuckles payment slow whoa

↓

Huh? How about that? Payment first, bitch.

bitch payment

↓

All right, here.

↓

-One can of paint thinner. -Thank you.

paint thinner

↓

And in case you need to know, this is for getting high.

case

↓

That we didn't need to know because we already knew.

↓

Obviously. What's their plan?

obviously plan

↓

Two words. Taylor Swift.

swift taylor words

↓

Order. Order. Okay, court is now in session.

court order session

↓

You'll each have a chance to present your evidence and make your case.

case chance evidence present

↓

Now, I think we can all agree that we're all very hot,

agree

↓

okay, and our bladders are full.

full

↓

So let's keep vocalizations to a minimum.

minimum

↓

Laughs are allowed, but if sarcastic, will be labeled as such.

allowed laughs sarcastic

↓

Are we in agreement?

agreement

↓

-[Dennis] Aye. -[Mac] Aye.

dennis

↓

Oh. Very good. Then I have selected Dennis to go first,

dennis selected

↓

only 'cause he's more in my eyeline. You're a little bit off to the side.

side

↓

-Dennis, you have the floor. Go. -Well... [grunts]

dennis floor grunts

↓

If JAG has taught us anything,

taught

↓

it's that in order to argue your case, you must first establish the record,

argue case establish must order record

↓

and I think you will find, Judge, that the record is crystal clear.

clear crystal crystal-clear judge record

↓

Exhibit A.

exhibit

↓

Our Christmas card 2021.

card christmas

↓

As you can see here, I'm rocking some pretty sweet chaps

rocking sweet

↓

and I'm also rocking some pretty sweet sideburns.

rocking sweet

↓

Mac, however, has no sideburns.

↓

Until the next year when he copied me.

↓

Boom! New card, new theme, same sideburns, different guy.

boom card theme

↓

He copied me. And then the next year, he copied my look.

↓

Observe. A lip bite, controlled, suggestive, a bit coy. [chuckles softly]

bite chuckles chuckles-softly controlled observe softly

↓

Mac's expression...

expression macs

↓

all veneers.

↓

Until the next year, in one of our best cards ever.

best cards

↓

Boom. There it is right there, Judge,

boom judge

↓

in plain sight, or should I say,

plain sight

↓

in plain bite?

bite plain

↓

-That was sarcasm, by the way. -Okay, yeah. You have to label it.

label sarcasm

↓

-Again, you have to label it as sarcasm. -I did. I did.

label sarcasm

↓

-But there's a little pause... -Too much of a pause.

pause

↓

-...and the pause doesn't help. -I would like to continue moving forward,

continue forward moving moving-forward pause

↓

-so that we don't lose the thread here. -Carry on.

carry lose thread

↓

Okay. The next year, the man stole my IP.

stole

↓

See, the idea for "Pimps and Ho Ho Ho's," that was my idea,

idea

↓

but the next year's card, that was Mac's idea.

card idea macs years

↓

"Ho, Ho, Hose."

hose

↓

A blatant rip off of my idea and a blatant misuse of the pun.

idea

↓

It is a misuse of the pun. It doesn't make much sense.

sense

↓

So, as you can see, the record is consistent.

consistent record

↓

The proof is clear. I innovate.

clear proof

↓

Mac replicates.

↓

Well... [sighs] ...very persuasive, Mr. Reynolds.

persuasive reynolds sighs

↓

-I think so too. -Now, Mr. McDonald, the floor is yours.

floor mcdonald

↓

I'd like to respond with the truth.

respond truth

↓

And the same cards. The man even copies my evidence.

cards copies evidence

↓

Same evidence. [chuckles softly] Different story.

chuckles chuckles-softly evidence softly story

↓

Now witness, "The Good, The Bad, and The Jolly." Dennis...

dennis jolly witness

↓

sideburns, but the following year?

following

↓

No sideburns.

↓

[stammers] Wait, hold on. Objection.

objection stammers

↓

Uh, sideburns were not period in the roaring '20s.

period roaring

↓

That's true. You know, the sideburns were not period in the roaring '20s.

period roaring

↓

Uh, please explain the lip bite.

bite explain

↓

I was covering up a cold sore

cold covering sore

↓

that I got from playing basketball with an Ecuadorian man.

basketball playing playing-basketball

↓

Objection. There's no known evidence of, uh, herpes

evidence herpes known objection

↓

being transmitted through the playing of basketball.

basketball playing

↓

I agree, I'll allow that.

agree allow

↓

I... received the cold sore meeting an Ecuadorian man

cold meeting received sore

↓

-in an abandoned basketball court. -Oh...

abandoned basketball court

↓

Okay. Well, that's a different story, Mr. McDonald.

mcdonald story

↓

So, let's please keep our evidence truthful.

evidence

↓

Okay, it was 2:00 a.m. His name was Hector.

hector name

↓

He was covered in sores,

covered sores

↓

-but it was worth it-- -Your Honor--

honor worth

↓

-[Frank] Ha! -Ha!

frank

↓

-[ladder clatters] -Gentlemen.

clatters gentlemen ladder

↓

-Why did you do that? It was open. -Yeah and what are you wearing?

open wearing

↓

Oh, why? Does it look familiar?

familiar

↓

We figured out what the ladder was all about.

figured ladder

↓

There's a Taylor Swift concert tonight.

concert swift taylor tonight

↓

And you were gonna crash, bash, or climb your way in.

bash climb crash

↓

Yeah, there was never any spin kick planned.

kick planned spin

↓

You were gonna get a signed picture with Taylor

picture signed taylor

↓

and write some sort of catchy slogan on it,

catchy write

↓

-like, um... like-- -Taylor Christmas.

christmas taylor

↓

Uh... Yeah, it's not very... it's not very catchy,

catchy

↓

but we hadn't gotten that far, but it doesn't matter, okay?

gotten matter

↓

'Cause we are gonna steal your idea.

idea steal

↓

Goddamn, why is it so hot in here, you guys?

goddamn

↓

-It's sweltering. -Yeah, well, hang on. Hang on a second.

hang second

↓

You guys were gonna do a Christmas card without me?

card christmas

↓

-No. No. She's lying, dude. -No. No. Yeah.

lying

↓

Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm lying? I got evidence.

evidence lying

↓

I got a case, and we're gonna lay it all out right here with a trial.

case trial

↓

No, no, no... Dee, we just had... we just had a trial.

trial

↓

-I can't do another trial. -I can't hold it. I gotta pee.

another trial

↓

-I gotta turn down the heat! -Pau... Pause!

heat pause

↓

-You guys are faking? -You copied my faking.

faking

↓

No, I... I got the idea to fake from an episode of JAG.

episode fake idea

↓

Guys, why would you do this?

↓

-I didn't wanna lose the race. -I didn't wanna lose the race. Oh.

lose race

↓

Guys, don't you see what's happening here, you know what I mean?

↓

All this need to, like, take credit for whose idea was what,

credit idea

↓

and not filling each other in on our plans.

filling plans

↓

It's putting us all at the bottom rung of the ladder.

bottom ladder putting

↓

-[Dee scoffs] Yeah. -You know?

scoffs

↓

And you know who's at the top of the ladder looking down on us?

ladder looking

↓

-Jesus. -I knew you were gonna say that.

jesus

↓

No. It's Schmitty. It's Schmitty. He's looking down on us.

looking schmitty

↓

But the point is that, like, Schmitty's always gonna be topping us

point

↓

when we're putting each other on a need-to-know basis, okay?

basis putting

↓

So, can we just team up on this thing? You know, get together on this?

team

↓

Dennis, what was the plan with the ladder?

dennis ladder plan

↓

[sighs] All right, fine. Well, the first thing you guys need to know

sighs

↓

is that you don't climb the ladder, you carry it.

carry climb ladder

↓

-Wait, what do you mean? -Well... Okay.

↓

Mac and I came up with a theory together

theory

↓

that two men carrying a ladder would be granted access anywhere.

access carrying granted ladder

↓

So, we decided to test that theory out at the Linc...

decided linc test theory

↓

at an Eagles game.

eagles game

↓

At a Monster Truck Jam.

monster truck

↓

Turns out there's something about two men carrying a ladder

carrying ladder turns

↓

that just allows you access to anything.

access allows

↓

And it worked over and over and over again.

worked

↓

They assume you're there to work, and they let you pass right through.

assume pass

↓

Two men with a ladder can get in anywhere.

ladder

↓

So, that's what we're gonna do.

↓

We're gonna suit up, we're gonna grab our ladder,

grab ladder suit

↓

and we are gonna walk right into that Taylor Swift concert,

concert swift taylor walk

↓

and nobody is gonna stop us.

nobody

↓

[♪ rousing music playing]

music music-playing playing rousing

↓

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -[♪ music stops]

music music-stops stops whoa

↓

What are you people doing with this ladder?

ladder

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

You know, two people carrying a ladder, that makes sense,

carrying ladder makes makes-sense sense

↓

but four men and a useless chick, that's suspicious.

chick four suspicious useless

↓

It doesn't make any sense, you know,

sense

↓

and that's why everybody's on a-need-to-know basis. That is why.

basis everybodys

↓

Whose idea was the ladder anyway?

idea ladder

↓

-Oh, that was actually my-- -Mine, of course.

course

↓

-Are you serious? -It was my idea.

idea serious

↓

-So most definitely my idea. -Mac, are you kidding me with this?

idea kidding

↓

-It was... Oh! -Maybe we should have another trial.

another trial

↓

-I can do a race. -Well, let's go. Let's race.

race

↓

-What? Oh, my God. -Son of a bitch.

bitch

↓

Well, no point in racing, or trials, or any of that shit

point racing trials

↓

'cause we're not going to beat Schmitty's card this year.

beat card

↓

He got to the idea first.

idea

↓

-He took a picture with Taylor? -No, even better.

picture taylor

↓

[all] Oh.

↓

-That is... That's awesome. -There's no way you can beat that slogan.

awesome beat

↓

-[Dennis] Yeah. -[Dee] Yeah.

dennis

↓

-[Charlie] That's as cool as it gets. -[Dee] Look at that.

charlie cool

↓

[♪ "Temptation Sensation" playing]

playing sensation temptation

↓

[♪ song ends]

ends song song-ends