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Tires

Season 1, Episode 4 — The Rumor Mill

TMDB episode metadata
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- Hi, I'm Gabe Marvis.
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I'm a licensed chiropractor in three states.
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And this is my lovely wife's friend Gina, who started as my friend,
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but that's not really important.
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Gina, we're gonna lay you down, get that lower back stretched out.
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All right. I'm gonna creep down here to your lower back.
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- You ready? Mm-hmm.
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This will get you a bit deeper into the stretch.
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That's nice.
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Already got it.
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Hey, turn this off. What is it?
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It's chiropractor videos.
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It's totally safe for work.
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Can I have more of that one?
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More? Yeah!
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Jesus, Shane!
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This is marketing. This is... This guy's a genius.
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He takes hot chicks, puts 'em in yoga outfits.
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He has no fucking idea what he's doing.
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He's pressing the fuck out of these girls' butts.
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That's what you should do. Bikini car wash.
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Shane, we're not doing a bikini car wash.
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Get a bunch of chicks out here, hot chicks. Put 'em in bikinis.
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Tell customers if they get a car wash, we'll give 'em a discount on tires.
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That's gonna work, dude. Look at this. Millions of views.
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...nice and loose, and that's not uncommon.
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Close it out. It is indistinguishable from porn.
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Oh my God.
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I mean, if a customer walks in and, uh...
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Feels really good.
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...sees this...
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We'll loosen you up.
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...they'll...
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Do you hear that? Yeah.
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- Oh wow! Deeper?
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Yeah. Yeah, deeper.
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- Want me to send you a link to it? - Yes.
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So tight.
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Uh, hey, what's up?
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- Will? - Ant!
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- How you doing? Good!
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- This is Anthony. He's a gig worker. Hey.
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He's gonna help me build a PowerPoint presentation
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so I can pitch the cheap tires idea to my dad.
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And he's gonna help make some mock-up ads
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'cause we wanna find a big way to market this.
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You have a Black friend?
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Well, yes, but Ant is a graphic designer that I hired.
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But you're saying you have Black friends?
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Yes.
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Name one.
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Uh...
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- Dainian. - Tomlinson?
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Chargers' all-time leading rusher LaDainian Tomlinson is your friend?
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Okay, Ant is here to create a campaign around the cheap tires idea.
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So we need to come up with some marketing ideas.
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Dude, tits. Bikini car wash.
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Not that. You in a bikini.
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- Classy, but eye candy for the fellas. That's enough. Okay!
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Carrying buckets like a milkmaid.
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Shut the fuck up!
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What's up, Kilah? Delivery. Taillights.
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Saw a bobcat on 202 this morning.
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- Cool. - Yeah, not my first time.
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Hi, you've reached Dave Louvopolis from Valley Forge Auto.
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Please leave a message, and I'll get back to you very soon.
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- - Dave, it's Will.
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It's the third time I've called today. Please call me back. Pronto.
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Okay, so what do we got?
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Okay, so far I came up with this. What do you think?
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Okay, that's a good start.
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But, uh, what about this?
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What if it's a stack of tires, and I'm digging money out of them?
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So your idea is just a Jewish guy digging through a pile of money?
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No, just don't draw me that Jewish.
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You want me to make another person?
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What?
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- He's a computer guy, not Rembrandt. - I'm just here for the day.
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Shane, why would you derail-- - Will, could I talk to you for a second?
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- I'm busy! - I need to talk to you.
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- Say it here. - I can't. Something I need to tell Will.
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- We keeping secrets? No.
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- If you are, I'm gonna fuck your day up. - It's not a secret.
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I had a dream last night, and I need to tell Will about it.
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I was back playing high school hockey.
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My mom was a goalie. She had spiders for legs.
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- Oh my God. Go. Go. Yeah, it was really...
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Go with him.
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This dream better be shorter than the one from yesterday.
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There's no dream. I just needed a way to get Shane off our back.
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You help me with something?
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No, I'm working on this PowerPoint.
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Fuck that. That thing sucks.
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Why don't you help me?
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Is this gonna go in the PowerPoint?
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- Listen, I got bad news. - Oh.
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I heard a rumor that they're selling one of the shops.
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One of ours?
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Can you draw babes?
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I can draw babes.
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But, just to let you know, I'm terrible with faces.
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That don't matter none.
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Which one?
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I don't know. I assume the worst one, which is Belmont or yours.
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Whoa! Ours? Ours "worst one."
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- Sure. - Who told you?
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Doesn't matter. It's a reliable source.
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What if I said you could spend your day getting paid to draw titties?
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I'm listening.
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Fuck!
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Don't tell Shane, all right? 'Cause he'll tell everyone.
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He's a gossip, like a high school girl.
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- He is like a high school girl. - Yeah.
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Totally. Okay, I gotta go call Dave.
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Okay, don't say anything weird.
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Are you kidding me? We're selling one of the stores?
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From Cal I'm hearing that?
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I'm due the respect of not hearing this from a mechanic.
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And, by the way, I hope it's Belmont.
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It better be Belmont.
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Because, you know, there's a lot going on here.
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Ideas, ton of 'em floating around.
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Uh...
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You're in trouble, buster. That's all I'm saying.
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I don't mean to yell. If anybody's fired, it's fucking you.
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Tell my dad this.
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If it's my store and it's not Belmont's,
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Thanksgiving's gonna be fucking nuts!
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Dave, it's Will, by the way. Call me back.
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Goddamn, you weren't lying, man. You suck at drawing faces.
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But those tits are perfect.
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Thank you. A lot of student loans to make those tits.
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You went to school for tit drawing?
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No. Finance.
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They kicked me out for doing shit like this.
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- There you go, buddy.
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Thank you for calling Valley Forge Automotive Center in Wayne.
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It's a wonderful day to be on the road. This is Jeffrey.
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Cooch, it's Will.
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- Hey, Will. - From Westchester.
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Right. Right.
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The boss's son.
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Oh, Will! What's going on, big guy?
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Well, a lot. Is my dad or Dave there?
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No. They actually popped out not too long ago.
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Where'd they go?
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They said they were going to a meeting, and then Applebee's,
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but Dave wanted to go to Outback because they have the full-length bathroom doors.
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Where is the meeting?
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Uh, not sure. Maybe the Springfield store.
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Hey, Will, uh...
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How much chocolate milk have you had today?
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- Huh?
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You know, it's, like, 10:00 a.m.
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Must have had, like, three chocolate milks by now.
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- What are you talking about? - That's your thing, right?
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You drink chocolate milk all day.
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No!
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That's not what we heard, dude.
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I never drink chocolate milk.
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Almost perfect. I'd like to make a few adjustments.
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Are you spreading a rumor
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that I like to drink an enormous amount of chocolate milk?
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No.
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Maybe. I don't remember.
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Yes, you do.
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It's believable. Doesn't it look like he drinks chocolate milk all the time?
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- You do have that look. I can see it. - Are you working on the PowerPoint?
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I'm designing a poster for your bikini car wash.
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Okay--
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Will, Belmont store on line two.
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Okay, Shane, stop wasting Anthony's time.
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We are not doing a bikini car wash!
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Well done, Anthony.
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Very nice.
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I know a couple guys that would really appreciate your work.
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- Get the fuck outta here. - Holy shit.
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Bros, from my mind to his fucking hands onto this screen.
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Wait till you guys see this shit. Show 'em.
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So if you want 'em a little bit more busty...
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If I press this button...
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Yo. - Oh my God! You're a magician.
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- That's unbelievable. It's crazy.
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I could also make Will a little bit more Jewish.
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- Keep going.
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This is great.
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If you want, I can make the girls more Jewish.
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- No, no, no. - Yeah, don't do that.
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This is the future, dudes. This is AI.
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- This is AI? - This is what they're talking about.
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What are they so upset about?
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- I don't know. It's making boobs. - Huh!
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What's AI?
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Let me try that. Give it a shot.
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Oh my God!
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- Oh! - Go faster.
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I'm trying.
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Oh my Lord. It's like they're on an airboat.
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- You're so good at this. Thanks, bro.
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Thank you for calling Valley Forge Automotive Center in Springfield, PA--
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Okay. Sh, sh! Lisa, it's Will.
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Hey, Will.
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Hey, are my dad and Dave there?
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Uh... yes.
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Okay. Well, can I talk to one of them?
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Unfortunately, they're in a meeting.
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With who?
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I'm not sure, actually. A couple people. Lady and a guy.
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What are they wearing?
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Uh, suits.
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Business suits or casual? Or, like, khaki pants?
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- I don't know. - You don't know?
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Lisa, does the top match the bottom?
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Yeah. Yeah, they look put together.
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Top matches the bottom. That's a full fucking suit.
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Is that okay?
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Can you have one of 'em call me when they get out?
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Sure thing.
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Also, unrelated. Have you heard a rumor that I like to drink chocolate milk?
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Uh...
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- Yes. - What?
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I heard about the hospital visit.
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I think if the doctors tell you to stop, you should. But that's just my opinion.
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Doctors?
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Lisa, what other rumors have you heard about me?
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Um...
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It's okay. You can say it.
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I heard you were asked to leave the Elmwood Zoo
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because you were making donkey noises at the staff.
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I don't know what to say to that!
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Monkey noises?
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Donkey noises.
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That's absurd, Lisa!
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I heard you went to prom with a prostitute.
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You serious? - You kept trying to kiss her.
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Shane said that he saw you and your friend at a bar
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sucking each other's nipples,
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but not at the same time.
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Shane said you were taking turns... but you were definitely the greedy one.
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Fuck!
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Okay, Ant, if I give you a picture of my ex-girlfriend,
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how quick could you turn this around--
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Excuse you, everyone!
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What's this? I hate it. Shane, I just called all the stores.
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Everyone heard about the chocolate milk as well as 15 other rumors.
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No wonder my dad hasn't called me back if he thinks I'm at a restaurant just,
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you know, sucking my buddy's nipples.
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- What? - That one got back?
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- Yes! - I forgot about this one.
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I told Dale that Will and his friends go to restaurants
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and suck each other's nipples.
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Just guys going...
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All right, wops!
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- Hey! - Oh! Relax!
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- Watch your mouth with that wops. - Why are you calling the other stores?
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Is there a secret?
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There's a rumor going around
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that my dad is gonna sell the least profitable store,
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which is either Belmont or... us.
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Oh shit, dude.
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Damn. Uh...
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What are you gonna do if you get fired?
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We have a friend that needs a waitress.
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Oh, Benny.
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- You could work for Benny as a waitress. - There you go.
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- You'd be a fine little waitress. - Okay.
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Waitresses are always in demand.
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- Everyone stop saying waitress! Shane, you can come work for us.
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- That'd be fun. - Huh?
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- Me working for a bunch of greasy wops? Hey!
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- What the fuck is that about? - No disrespect, fellas.
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- You're making it worse. - Oh! No disrespect, fellas.
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- That was good. - It's not bad, actually.
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That was pretty good. - For real. Is it true?
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I don't know. Cal told me, and he won't tell me who told him.
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Cal's not telling? I'm gonna get that out of you.
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It was Kyle.
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Oh!
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It was fucking Kyle the Liar.
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Who the fuck is Kyle the Liar?
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He delivers parts to all the shops.
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Yeah, who lies about everything!
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He doesn't lie about everything. He embellishes.
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I was on that show Double Dare in fifth grade.
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Broke my femur in the mashed potatoes.
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Did I tell you I got wasted, almost bowled a 300?
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Okay, Kyle.
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Your mom's cousin took Big Bird's place on the Challenger?
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Yep. Sucks. - What was his name?
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Gary.
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- Just Gary? Cousin Gary, yeah.
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A kid I grew up with got eaten whole by a bear.
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Oh, you know what? I did... I actually have a...
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All right. Well, just... I'll wait.
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- It's gonna be a long call. - That's all right.
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It's a private call.
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You know hard seltzers don't show up on Breathalyzers?
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Thank you, Kyle. Thanks.
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Look it up. It's on YouTube, I think.
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- Totally true. Swear to God. Yep.
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God dammit! It is bullshit! Okay. Shane, come to my office.
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Let's try that again, huh?
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- Please. - Fine.
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So these are our sales numbers?
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Yeah, this is everything from the last two months.
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- It's just on the computers? - Mm-hmm.
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All right, this is the email I'm sending to the entire staff.
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"I do not drink chocolate milk all day."
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"I do not make donkey noises at zoo staff."
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"I've never been part of a sex cult."
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"I don't suck on my friend's nipples. I've never pulled a prank on a deaf girl."
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"I have all my toes."
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Am I missing any?
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You taught a parrot how to say the N-word.
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God dammit.
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"These are rumors about me and should not be believed."
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"I'm emailing all of you in the hopes that we can move forward professionally."
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"In the future, I hope that you would learn to ignore the rumor mill,
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especially when those rumors come from Shane."
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Don't include my name.
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- Sent.
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- Can you compare our sales to Belmont's? - Yeah.
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Oh, we're killing them.
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Yeah, but they have lower overhead.
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We can see all the other stores?
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Yep. Everything is right here.
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- Can I try? Yeah, go ahead.
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Will, you got Dave on line two.
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Dave, sorry I called you a bunch of times. I thought the store was closing.
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Will, yeah.
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First of all, the email you just sent went out to all 7,000 customers
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on our email list.
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W... w... wait a second.
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- What? - Look, I don't have time for that now. Um...
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I just want to let you know
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we ended up taking a meeting with Marilyn's Mufflers this morning.
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Is my dad selling my store?
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Just an informational meeting.
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No one's selling anything. He's just doing his due diligence. Um...
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But if we were to sell, it would be the entire chain.
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- Not just your store. - It'd be the entire chain.
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So
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it would be all of us.
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Look, don't worry about it, buddy. It's all good.
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But, Dave, I have a great new idea I wanna talk to you about.
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I know. I know it's probably a great idea, but the important thing is not to panic.
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We will talk about it for sure.
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Don't be worried. Do I seem worried to you?
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A little.
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I had never heard that rumor about the parrot until right now.
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- He's never heard the N-word one. - That was a new one.
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Shane...
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No! My goodness!
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Okay, if we have any chance of generating sales
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from this cheap tire idea, we need to do it right now.
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Dude, I know you don't wanna hear this right now.
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Bikini car wash.
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It's gonna work, dude.
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We get a long line of cars. Get some babes in here.
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Maybe get you dancing on their hood. Then we bring 'em in.
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We say, "Hey, you need new tires." They can upsell 'em from there.
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You can show 'em that your fucking idea works.
fa6978a0-ee1a-40fc-986b-4ed674285fa8.gif
He's got a point.
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You'll definitely get a lot of cars.
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You have no idea how furious my dad would be.
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Yeah, but who gives a shit, dude? You just said they're selling everything.
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Might as well go down swinging,
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covered in suds, tits everywhere.
110cb38c-13a3-43dd-b467-9bb20f267bd3.gif
Go like a man, dude.
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Let's do it.
d87fcb36-86c1-4321-966d-6a9ff9e2b86e.gif
There it is. Say yes.
9bed4b10-7518-4a57-9a89-9214ff89c7f1.gif
Yes.
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Yes? - Yes.
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Thank you, dude.
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- Tits. - No, I'm not doing that.
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Tits...
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Tits, tits,
828610ec-c85f-4361-981d-dc6c35691f5d.gif
tits, tits, tits,
85e44e31-9248-4593-a0c6-af0f0f5000aa.gif
tits, tits, tits, tits...
7165edf4-3970-4da3-911b-e2a0c85451ff.gif
Tits, tits.
66b13c23-63d7-4cfc-a576-27d4099b8cff.gif
Yeah! - Yeah!
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Bikini car wash. It's a go.
a78fd628-4465-465d-a9f9-22289ddbbcd7.gif
♪ Me and my friends In a hundred-dollar Volvo ♪
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♪ Busting down the street While cruising Alvarado ♪
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♪ Getting fucked up on the 101 ♪
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♪ Shootin' our guns and having fun ♪
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♪ I drink cheap beer ♪
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♪ So what? Fuck you! ♪