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Home » Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy » S01E01 — Anchorman The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Season 1, Episode 1 — Anchorman The Legend of Ron Burgundy

↓

There was a time, a time before cable...

cable

↓

...when the local anchorman reigned supreme.

local supreme

↓

When people believed everything they heard on TV.

believed heard

↓

This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news.

allowed news read

↓

And in San Diego,

diego

↓

one anchorman was more man than the rest.

rest

↓

His name was Ron Burgundy.

name

↓

He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals.

amongst mere walking

↓

He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr,

purr voice

↓

and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo.

hobo suits

↓

In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.

balls words

↓

I look good.

↓

I mean really good.

↓

Hey, everyone,

↓

come and see how good I look.

↓

Ribs. I had ribs for lunch. That's why I'm doing this.

lunch ribs

↓

How now brown cow.

brown

↓

How are you? You look awfully nice tonight.

awfully tonight

↓

Maybe don't wear a bra next time.

wear

↓

No, I was talking to you.

↓

Not her. I don't know her name. What is it?

name

↓

Lanolin?

↓

Like sheep's wool?

wool

↓

Unique New York.

unique york

↓

Hove scotch. Scotchy—scotch—scotch.

scotch

↓

Here it goes down. Down into my belly.

belly

↓

The arsonist has oddly-shaped feet.

feet oddly shaped

↓

How much time? 30? 30 seconds?

seconds

↓

- You are on. - I'm on right now?

↓

I don't believe you.

believe

↓

- Ron. - What?

↓

Oh, come on. Audrey?

↓

I look like hell, I got bags under my eyes.

bags eyes

↓

What's that? If you were a man, I'd punch you right in the mouth.

mouth punch

↓

That's bush. Bush League.

bush league

↓

The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.

bank denied human loan torch

↓

You hear me?! Audrey! Look at me!

↓

I'm sorry. All right?

↓

All right, we're on.

↓

- Ready, Phil. - We're on in five, four...

five four phil ready

↓

When the clock struck six,

clock struck

↓

it meant one thing for Ron Burgundy and his news team:

meant news team

↓

go time.

↓

Channel 4 News, with five—time Emmy—Award-winning anchor,

anchor award channel five news winning

↓

Ron Burgundy.

↓

Champ Kind: sports.

champ sports

↓

Brick Tamland: weather.

brick weather

↓

And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana.

brian field reporter

↓

It's Channel 4 News at six o'clock.

channel news oclock

↓

Good evening, I'm Ron Burgundy. This is what's happening in your world tonight.

evening tonight world

↓

A La Jolla man clings to life at a university hospital,

hospital life university

↓

after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool.

abandoned attacked dogs pack pool wild

↓

Hey, everybody, shut the hell up, Ron Burgundy's on.

everybody

↓

Ron Burgundy.

↓

Oh, my God! She said her first words!

words

↓

Right now, it's 82 degrees in our fair city,

city degrees fair

↓

and compare that to 48 degrees in the upper northwest,

compare degrees upper

↓

and 38 degrees in the Middle East.

degrees east middle middle-east

↓

Off the coast of Tampa Bay yesterday,

coast yesterday

↓

one lucky cameraman happened to catch

catch happened lucky

↓

an unusual aquatic daredevil.

aquatic unusual

↓

What you're about to see is a Channel 4 News exclusive.

channel exclusive news

↓

His name is Nutty the squirrel,

name nutty squirrel

↓

and he's three years old.

three three-years years

↓

How about that?

↓

That squirrel can water ski.

squirrel water

↓

Man, that's hilarious.

hilarious

↓

For all of us here at News Center 4, I'm Ron Burgundy.

center news

↓

You stay classy, San Diego.

classy diego

↓

You stay classy, San Diego.

classy diego

↓

Listen up. The ratings just came in for last month.

month ratings

↓

We are number one. We just grabbed every key demographic.

grabbed number

↓

Super-duper. That's nice.

duper super

↓

- Way to go. Neato, gang. - Yes!

gang

↓

- That is good news. - Congrats.

congrats news

↓

That is good news. All right!

news

↓

Make sure these guys don't party too much.

party

↓

- They don't really ever listen to me. - Just get it done.

↓

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention?

attention gentlemen ladies

↓

I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story.

handed horrifying news story urgent

↓

I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen.

↓

Cannonball!

cannonball

↓

Yes, these fellas were a real news team.

fellas news real team

↓

Burgundy, of course, was the foundation, the rock,

course foundation rock

↓

but each member brought their own special something to the equation.

brought member special

↓

People call me the Bri-Man. I'm the stylish one of the group.

group

↓

I know what you're asking yourself

asking

↓

and the answer is yes, I have a nickname for my penis.

answer nickname penis

↓

It's called the Octagon.

called

↓

But I also nicknamed my testes. My left one is James Westfall,

james left nicknamed

↓

and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

↓

You ladies play your cards right, you might get to meet the whole gang.

cards gang ladies meet might whole

↓

Back booth at Charlie Lancer's Friday night.

booth charlie friday friday-night night

↓

Champ here. I'm all about having fun.

champ fun having

↓

Get a couple of cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen,

cocktails couple fire kitchen someones start

↓

maybe go to Sea World, take my pants off.

pants world

↓

Anyway, I've become kind of famous for my signature catchphrase "Whammy!"

become catchphrase famous signature

↓

As in "Gene Tenace at the plate, and... whammy!"

gene plate

↓

Whammy!

↓

I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I'm polite and rarely late.

brick late polite rarely

↓

I like to eat ice cream,

cream

↓

and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks.

enjoy pair

↓

Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an IQ of 48,

doctor years

↓

and am what some people call "mentally retarded."

mentally retarded

↓

Hello.

↓

- Marco! - Polo!

marco

↓

- Having a good time? - I'm having a great time.

having

↓

That makes two of us.

makes

↓

Ron, you gotta meet this girl.

girl meet

↓

She was a Charger cheerleader, but broke her pelvis.

broke cheerleader

↓

Sherri, meet Ron Burgundy.

meet

↓

- Hey, Ron. - Hello.

↓

I've got a big story for you. And it's right here.

story

↓

Well, hello.

↓

You pointed to your boobies.

boobies pointed

↓

Oh, my God, you did.

↓

- Ron Burgundy? - Yes?

↓

I've had a crush on you since I was a little girl.

crush girl

↓

- Let's go somewhere. - It don't get no better than this.

↓

We've been coming to the same party for 12 years,

coming party years

↓

and in no way is that depressing.

depressing

↓

By the beard of Zeus.

beard zeus

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

Ron, where are you going? What, are you crazy?

crazy

↓

"You're coming down the baseline, you've gotta take home plate from me."

coming home plate

↓

So there I go, head first...

head

↓

I've lost her.

lost

↓

Hello.

↓

Hello.

↓

Hope I'm not disturbing you, but...

disturbing hope

↓

I saw you from across the party and...

party

↓

I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something.

compelled usually

↓

You have an absolutely breathtaking heinie.

absolutely

↓

I mean, that thing is good.

↓

I want to be friends with it.

friends

↓

Well, you certainly know how to compliment a woman.

certainly compliment woman

↓

Now if you'll excuse me.

excuse

↓

Do you know who I am?

↓

No, I can't say that I do.

↓

I don't know how to put this,

↓

but I'm kind of a big deal.

deal

↓

Really?

↓

People know me.

↓

- I'm very happy for you. - I'm very important.

happy

↓

I have many leather-bound books.

books bound leather

↓

And my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

apartment rich smells

↓

I'm friends with Merlin Olsen, too. He comes over...

comes friends

↓

...on occasion.

occasion

↓

I mean... That's stupid.

stupid

↓

No, that's very exciting.

exciting

↓

Listen, can I start over again?

start

↓

Sure.

↓

I want to say something, I want to put it out there,

↓

and if you like it, take it. If you don't, send it right back.

send

↓

I want to be on you.

↓

Wait.

↓

I want to be on you.

↓

Baxter?

baxter

↓

Papa's home. There he is, there's my little man.

home

↓

You're OK?

↓

Of course I met a lady tonight.

course lady tonight

↓

This one was different, I have to be honest.

honest

↓

Quite different.

↓

What? I'm lonely? I'm not lonely.

lonely

↓

I'm beloved by everyone in San Diego.

beloved diego

↓

Well...

↓

You know how to cut to the core of me, Baxter.

baxter core

↓

You're so wise.

wise

↓

Like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.

buddha covered hair miniature

↓

Come again?

↓

You know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please.

english spanish speak speak-spanish

↓

You pooped in the refrigerator?

pooped refrigerator

↓

And you ate a whole wheel of cheese?

cheese wheel whole

↓

How did you do that?

↓

Actually, I'm not even mad. That's amazing.

amazing

↓

I forgive you.

forgive

↓

What do you say we get you in your PJs and hit the hay?

↓

Bedtime, OK. Come on, let's go.

bedtime

↓

Come on.

↓

That was one crazy party. I am hungover.

crazy hungover party

↓

Tell me about it.

↓

I woke up this morning

morning woke

↓

and I shit a squirrel.

squirrel

↓

I mean it, literally.

↓

Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive.

alive

↓

So I got this shit-covered squirrel down there in the office.

covered office squirrel

↓

Don't know what to name it.

name

↓

I'm sorry, Champ.

champ

↓

I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

chocolate squirrel

↓

All right, guys, let's focus up.

focus

↓

Morning, everyone.

morning

↓

Here are the stories we'll be chasing today.

chasing stories today

↓

It looks like Ling Wong, the rare panda at the San Diego Zoo is pregnant.

diego ling panda pregnant rare

↓

- This is a big one. - This could be the story of the summer.

story summer

↓

Network is gonna be wanting plenty of coverage.

coverage network plenty wanting

↓

And speaking of network,

network speaking

↓

word on the street is they're looking for a new anchor, so Ron...

anchor looking street word

↓

Network. Are they here?

network

↓

A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining

complaining hearing

↓

about a lack of diversity on the news team.

diversity lack news team

↓

What in the hell is diversity?

diversity

↓

I could be wrong, but I believe

believe

↓

Diversity is an old wooden ship

diversity ship wooden

↓

that was used during the Civil War era.

civil used

↓

I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned

concerned surprised

↓

about the lack of an old wooden ship, but nice try.

lack ship wooden

↓

Diversity means that times are changing,

changing diversity times

↓

and with that in mind...

mind

↓

- Ron, are you paying attention? - Nope.

attention nope paying paying-attention

↓

- Well, this concerns all of us. - OK.

concerns

↓

I'd like to introduce the latest addition

addition introduce latest

↓

to the KVWN news team,

news team

↓

directly from WYPN

directly

↓

in Asheville, North Carolina,

carolina north

↓

Ms. Veronica Corningstone.

veronica

↓

Hello, everyone.

↓

I want you all to know that I look forward to contributing

forward

↓

to this news station's already sterling reputation.

news reputation stations

↓

I mean, come on, Ed, it's bull crap!

bull

↓

Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies, they rev my engine,

engine ladies love

↓

but they don't belong in the news room!

belong news room

↓

It is anchorman, not anchor lady,

anchor lady

↓

and that is a scientific fact!

fact scientific

↓

I don't know what we're yelling about!

yelling

↓

You're with us, Ron. What do you think?

↓

It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes and her hair smells like cinnamon!

cinnamon eyes hair smells

↓

Loud noises!

loud noises

↓

Everyone relax, she's not going to take anyone's airtime.

anyones relax

↓

I read somewhere that their periods attract bears.

attract bears periods read

↓

The bears can smell the menstruation.

bears smell

↓

Well, that's just great.

↓

You hear that? Bears. You're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

bears putting station whole

↓

I will say one thing for her,

↓

she does have a nice, big old behind.

behind

↓

I'd like to put some barbecue sauce on that butt and just...

barbecue barbecue-sauce butt sauce

↓

Stop it!

↓

Look at that full-moon butt!

butt full moon

↓

Mr. Harken, I was wondering if you knew when my office will be ready?

office ready wondering

↓

That might take some time.

might

↓

For now, just grab a desk in the bullpen.

desk grab

↓

You can use my office and afterwards we can go to lunch!

afterwards lunch office

↓

Lower your voice, Ron.

lower voice

↓

Thank you, I'll go get my desk set up.

desk

↓

She is a saucy momma! I mean I would...

saucy

↓

Here we go again. Every station, it's the same.

station

↓

Women ask me how I put up with it.

women

↓

The truth is I don't really have a choice.

choice truth

↓

This is definitely a man's world. But while they're laughing

laughing mans world

↓

and grab—as sing,

grab sing

↓

I'm chasing down leads and practicing my non—regional diction.

chasing leads practicing regional

↓

Because the only way to win is to be the best. The very best.

best

↓

Touchy situation.

situation touchy

↓

I think the best thing to do with this Corningstone,

best

↓

to keep her in line, is bed her quick.

line quick

↓

That behind is driving me loco, I'm like a night wolf.

behind driving night wolf

↓

Guys, take it easy. She's got feelings too.

easy feelings

↓

What? Oh, my God!

↓

Listen to Burgundy, he's gone soft on us like some schoolboy bitch.

bitch gone soft

↓

You sound like a gay.

sound

↓

Hey, come on! It's me, Papa Burgundy, all right?

papa

↓

As far as I'm concerned, Corningstone's fair game.

concerned fair game

↓

Let the games begin.

begin games

↓

- There he is. There he is. - Come on.

↓

I'm very aroused.

aroused

↓

What's this?

↓

Well, well, well.

↓

Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News team.

channel news team

↓

Hello, Wes Mantooth.

↓

- Hello, evening news team. - Nice clothes, gentlemen.

clothes evening gentlemen news team

↓

I didn't know the Salvation Army was having a sale.

army having sale salvation

↓

Am I right? Look at these guys.

↓

Hey, where did you get those clothes?

clothes

↓

At the toilet store?

store toilet

↓

What are you doing on our station's turf?

stations turf

↓

You're about to get a serious beat-down.

beat serious

↓

I will smash your face into a car windshield,

face smash windshield

↓

then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth,

dorothy mother

↓

out for a nice seafood dinner,

dinner seafood

↓

and never call her again.

↓

Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! Do you understand me?!

dorothy saint

↓

Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!

dorothy saint

↓

Hey, leave the mothers out of this, all right?

mothers

↓

It's not necessary.

necessary

↓

Besides,

besides

↓

I'm sure Wes here is just upset

upset

↓

over finishing second in the ratings again.

finishing ratings second

↓

That's completely uncalled for.

completely uncalled

↓

You know those rating systems are flawed.

flawed rating systems

↓

They don't take into account houses that have more than two televisions

account houses

↓

and other things of that nature.

nature

↓

I guess I have to take you at your word,

word

↓

number two.

number

↓

You have a great day, fellas. We'll see you around the bend.

bend fellas

↓

Excusez—moi, numéro two.

↓

Hey, Burgundy!

↓

You know those sample audiences aren't big enough!

audiences sample

↓

Stop hiding behind those phony numbers!

behind hiding numbers phony

↓

I'm coming after you.

coming

↓

I hate you, Ron Burgundy.

hate

↓

I hate you!

hate

↓

You can't say one word?

word

↓

Even the guy who can't think says something. You just stand there?

stand

↓

Come on!

↓

Right, but I think my son is just going through a phase.

phase

↓

I have no idea where he would have gotten a hold of German pornography.

german gotten idea pornography

↓

But you and I are mature adults,

adults mature

↓

we've both seen our share of pornographic materials.

materials pornographic seen share

↓

Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't.

course

↓

How stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities.

speaking stupid

↓

Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.

margaret school sister

↓

She insisted on coming in.

coming insisted

↓

Mr. Harken, sir, I will not have my first story at this news station

news station story

↓

be about a cat fashion show.

fashion

↓

Ms. Corningstone, ma'am,

maam

↓

you will do the stories to which you are assigned.

assigned stories

↓

Mr. Harken, I am a damn good journalist,

↓

and this cat show thing is grade A baloney.

baloney grade

↓

It is not baloney, now go do your job...

baloney

↓

It is baloney.

baloney

↓

Hey, Ron.

↓

I'm going to take a run at the new girl. Let the games begin.

begin games girl

↓

We're not really going to do that, we were just flapping our gums.

flapping gums

↓

You kill me.

kill

↓

Let me just grab this.

grab

↓

Sorry about that. Whammy!

↓

- Champ? - Yeah?

champ

↓

You're trying to touch my breast, aren't you?

breast touch

↓

What can I say? I like the way you're put together.

↓

What do you say we go out on a date?

date

↓

Have some chicken, maybe some sex.

chicken

↓

You know, see what happens.

happens

↓

Let me get this over here.

↓

Sorry.

↓

Oh, there it is.

↓

I'll give this little cookie an hour

cookie hour

↓

before we're doing the no-pants dance.

dance pants

↓

Time to musk up.

↓

Never ceases to amaze me.

↓

What cologne you going to go with?

cologne

↓

London Gentlemen or... Wait, no, hold on...

gentlemen london

↓

Blackbeard's Delight.

delight

↓

No. She gets the special cologne.

cologne special

↓

It's called Sex Panther, by Odeon.

called panther

↓

It's illegal in nine countries.

countries illegal nine

↓

Yep. It's made with bits of real panther.

bits panther real

↓

- So you know it's good. - It's quite pungent.

↓

- Oh, yeah. - It's a formidable scent.

formidable scent

↓

Stings the nostrils.

nostrils stings

↓

In a good way.

↓

I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.

gasoline honest pure smells

↓

They've done studies, you know.

studies

↓

Sixty per cent of the time, it works every time.

cent sixty works

↓

- That doesn't make sense. - Well...

sense

↓

Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.

kitty purr

↓

Hey, sweet-cheeks. Got an invite I'd like to extend your way.

cheeks extend invite sweet

↓

My God!

↓

What is that smell?

smell

↓

That's the smell of desire, my lady.

desire lady smell

↓

God, no, it smells like a used diaper

diaper smells used

↓

filled with Indian food.

filled food indian

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

Desire smells like that to some people.

desire smells

↓

What is that? It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.

burnt covered hair smells turd

↓

It smells like Bigfoot's dick!

dick smells

↓

What's that smell?

smell

↓

This is worse than the time the raccoon got in the copier.

copier raccoon worse

↓

Yeah.

↓

It's very distracting. So when we get to the pet shop...

distracting shop

↓

Look over here.

↓

- Excuse me, Veronica. - Yes, what is it?

excuse veronica

↓

I would like to extend to you

extend

↓

an invitation to the pants party.

invitation pants party

↓

- Excuse me? - The... party. The pants...

excuse pants party

↓

With pants. The party with pants.

pants party

↓

Are you saying there's a party in your pants and I'm invited?

invited pants party

↓

That's it.

↓

Did Brian tell you to say this?

brian

↓

- Yes, he did. - OK.

↓

No, I don't want to go to a party in your pants.

pants party

↓

Very well. Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?

pants party

↓

No, Brick.

brick

↓

All right. Let's go.

↓

All right...

↓

I'm all right.

↓

I'm telling you, she is a real ball-buster.

ball buster real telling

↓

A real ice-queen.

queen real

↓

I just burned my tongue.

burned tongue

↓

The only way to bag a classy lady is to

classy lady

↓

give her two tickets to the gun show.

tickets

↓

And see if she likes the goods.

goods likes

↓

1,001...

↓

1,002...

↓

- Mr. Burgundy. - 1,003...

↓

Helen said you needed to see me?

helen needed

↓

Ms. Corningstone.

↓

I wasn't expecting company.

company expecting

↓

Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.

arms tuesdays workout

↓

You asked me to come by, sir.

asked

↓

- Oh, did I? - Yes.

↓

It's the deep burn.

burn deep

↓

It's so deep.

deep

↓

I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many.

barely lift

↓

I don't know if you heard me counting, I did over a thousand.

counting heard thousand

↓

You have your ubulus muscle

muscle

↓

that connects to the upper dorsinus.

upper

↓

It's boring, but it's part of my life.

boring life part

↓

I'm just going to grab this shirt.

grab shirt

↓

Watch out for the guns, they'll get you.

guns watch

↓

You are pathetic.

pathetic

↓

This has to be the feeblest pick-up attempt I have ever encountered.

attempt encountered pick

↓

I expected it from the rest of them, but not from you.

expected rest

↓

Wait a minute.

minute

↓

Pick-up attempt? I'm offended.

attempt offended pick

↓

I have no time to get to the gym,

↓

so I have to sculpt my guns at the office.

guns office

↓

Stop calling your arms "guns."

arms calling guns

↓

Look... my plan was to ask you

plan

↓

if I could squire you about town

town

↓

as one professional helping another,

another helping professional

↓

because I know what it's like to be lonely in a new city.

city lonely

↓

- Really? - Yes.

↓

But now I am too hurt.

hurt

↓

I am shocked and offended

offended shocked

↓

and hurt.

hurt

↓

I could do that.

↓

- Really? - Well, yes.

↓

As a journalist, I should get to know the City that I'm covering.

city covering

↓

But this is not a date.

date

↓

No, of course not.

course

↓

- Strictly professional. - Wonderful.

professional strictly

↓

Great.

↓

So I pick you up eight o'clock?

eight oclock pick

↓

Nine?

nine

↓

- Downstairs? - You have a massive erection.

downstairs erection massive

↓

Really?

↓

Yes, I do.

↓

I'm sorry, it's the...

↓

It's the pleats.

↓

It's actually an optical illusion, it's the pattern on the pants.

illusion pants pattern

↓

It's not flattering in the crotchal region.

flattering

↓

I'm actually taking them back right now, taking them back to the pants store.

pants store

↓

This is awkward.

awkward

↓

I'm gonna walk... I'm gonna walk this situation off.

situation walk

↓

I will see you later.

↓

Nothing to look at. Go back to work, everyone.

↓

Don't act like you're not impressed.

impressed

↓

Do not look at me right now. Walking around the office.

office walking

↓

I'm going to walk.

walk

↓

I have a situation right now I'm trying to walk off.

situation walk

↓

Frame up two.

frame

↓

Let's go to Brian Fantana live on the scene

brian live scene

↓

with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Bf tan?

channel exclusive news

↓

Panda Watch! The mood is tense.

mood panda tense watch

↓

I've been on some serious reports, but nothing quite like this.

reports serious

↓

Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him,

ching interview king tried

↓

but they said "No, he's a live bear, he will rip your face off."

bear face live

↓

Hey, you're making me look stupid.

stupid

↓

Get out here, panda jerk.

jerk panda

↓

Great story. Compelling and rich.

compelling rich story

↓

That's going to do it for all of us here.

↓

You stay classy, San Diego.

classy diego

↓

I'm Ron Burgundy?

↓

Damn it, who typed a question mark on the teleprompter?

mark question question-mark typed

↓

For the last time, anything you put on that prompter,

↓

Burgundy will read.

read

↓

This is a mistake.

mistake

↓

This is a mistake.

mistake

↓

But he's very cute. No, he's not, he's hairy.

cute hairy

↓

There she is. Veronica, my little china doll.

china doll veronica

↓

- I am full of it tonight. - Oh, silly.

full silly tonight

↓

- Hi. - You look ravishing.

↓

It truly is Beauty and the Beast.

beast beauty truly

↓

I might add a handsome beast.

beast handsome might

↓

- Are you ready for our rendezvous? - It's not a date.

date ready

↓

No.

↓

Strictly professional. Doesn't mean we can't have fun.

fun professional strictly

↓

- Shall we? - Yes.

↓

San Diego.

diego

↓

Drink it in, it always goes down smooth.

drink smooth

↓

What a beautiful view.

view

↓

I know. I love this city.

city love

↓

It's a fact, it's the greatest city in the history of mankind.

city fact greatest history mankind

↓

Discovered by the Germans in 1904,

discovered germans

↓

they named it San Diago.

named

↓

Which, of course, in German means, "a whale's vagina."

course german vagina whales

↓

No, there's no way that's correct.

correct

↓

I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you.

impress

↓

I don't know what it means.

↓

I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore.

anymore knows

↓

Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

hundreds lost maintain translation years

↓

Doesn't it mean "Saint Diego"?

diego saint

↓

No.

↓

No, that's what it means.

↓

- Really. - Well, agree to disagree.

agree disagree

↓

- May I take your order? - Yes.

order

↓

I am going to have three fingers of Glenlivet,

fingers three

↓

with a little bit of pepper and some cheese.

cheese pepper

↓

- Very good. - I'll take a Manhattan.

manhattan

↓

Kick the vermouth with a pair of steel-toed boots.

boots kick pair steel toed

↓

- Certainly. - Thank you, Scot.

certainly scot

↓

Wow, quite a drink order.

drink order

↓

Well, when in Rome.

rome

↓

Yes?

↓

Please, go on.

↓

Do as the Romans do.

↓

It's an old expression.

expression

↓

I've never heard of it. It's wonderful, though.

heard

↓

Mr. Burgundy.

↓

- Tino. How are you? - So good to see you.

↓

- Oh, you're looking fantastic. - Tino, Veronica.

fantastic looking veronica

↓

What a pretty girlfriend. Drinks are on Tino.

drinks girlfriend

↓

No, we're work associates.

associates

↓

I work at the station. I'm a journalist.

station

↓

Oh, OK. This is a good guy.

↓

Tina's the finest club owner in the city.

city club finest owner

↓

- My best friend ever, right? - Yes.

best best-friend friend

↓

We have a saying in my country about people like him.

country

↓

"The coyote of the desert likes to eat the heart of the young,

coyote desert heart likes young

↓

where the blood drips down to the children for breakfast, lunch and dinner

blood breakfast children dinner drips lunch

↓

and only the ribs will be broken in two."

broken ribs

↓

Tino...

↓

OK, well, we will be honored if you would play jazz flute for us.

flute honored jazz

↓

- I can't. - Please.

↓

- You play jazz flute? - I dabble.

flute jazz

↓

Would everyone like to hear Ron Burgundy play some jazz flute?

flute jazz

↓

Get it going, Ronnie.

ronnie

↓

Yes. Please, you, get on stage now.

stage

↓

OK, I guess I could play a little ditty.

↓

- Honestly, I'm... - Come on, give him a hand.

hand

↓

I really am not prepared at all.

prepared

↓

This is a surprise, I'll tell you.

surprise

↓

Guys, East Harlem Shakedown, E-flat.

east flat

↓

Keep the cymbals splashy and let's take the bass line for a walk.

bass line walk

↓

I'm not hearing it right. Hold on.

hearing

↓

We got it now. It's all right.

↓

Fire up, Ronnie.

fire ronnie

↓

Little Ham And Eggs coming at you. Hope you got your griddles.

coming eggs hope

↓

That's baby-making music, that is.

baby music

↓

Let's go.

↓

Hey, Aqualung!

↓

- You were amazing. - Thank you.

amazing

↓

Where did you learn to play like that?

learn

↓

Well, jazz flute has

flute jazz

↓

always been a small passion of mine.

passion

↓

So, what other passions do you have?

↓

Well, I have one great passion that...

passion

↓

that lives deep within my loins,

deep lives loins

↓

like a flaming, golden hawk.

flaming golden hawk

↓

To one day become a network anchor.

anchor become network

↓

Well, believe it or not,

believe

↓

we share the same dream.

dream share

↓

I too want to be a network anchor.

anchor network

↓

God, you are so beautiful.

↓

We really should be going.

↓

I swore that I would never get involved with a co-worker.

involved swore worker

↓

Wait.

↓

What if just for tonight, we weren't co-workers,

tonight workers

↓

we were co-people?

↓

I don't...

↓

You be a woman,

woman

↓

I'll be a man.

↓

That's all.

↓

You continue to surprise me, Mr. Burgundy.

continue surprise

↓

Oh, I'm storming your castle on my steed, my lady.

castle lady steed storming

↓

Wait, stop talking like that, I can't understand you.

↓

Sorry.

↓

- Take me to Pleasure Town. - Oh, we're going there.

pleasure town

↓

I frigging love you!

love

↓

I frigging love you back!

love

↓

Look, the most glorious rainbow ever.

glorious rainbow

↓

Do me on it.

↓

Well done, sir.

↓

Tip of the cap to you, as well, Ms. Corningstone.

↓

I'm having very strong feelings for you, Mr. Burgundy.

feelings having strong

↓

But it's very important to me that I be viewed as a professional.

professional

↓

Right.

↓

When in Rome.

rome

↓

That expression doesn't really apply to what I'm talking about.

apply expression

↓

What I was saying.

↓

I still don't quite understand what it means.

↓

You'll find it.

↓

No, I was saying that

↓

if we continue seeing each other,

continue seeing

↓

that we should keep it relatively quiet around the station.

quiet relatively station

↓

Absolutely,

absolutely

↓

my wild love tigress.

love wild

↓

Tasteful discretion is the name of the game.

game name tasteful

↓

Veronica Corningstone and I had sex

veronica

↓

and now we are in love!

love

↓

Did I say that loud?

loud

↓

- Yeah, you pretty much yelled it. - Well, I can't help it.

yelled

↓

- It's fantastic. - What's it like?

fantastic

↓

The intimate times? Out of sight, my man.

intimate sight times

↓

No. The other thing.

↓

- Love? - Yeah. What is that?

love

↓

Well, it's tough to explain.

explain tough

↓

- I think I was in love once. - Really. What was her name?

love name

↓

- I don't remember. - Not a good start, but keep going.

remember start

↓

She was Brazilian, or Chinese,

chinese

↓

or something weird.

weird

↓

I met her in the bathroom of a Kmart and we made out for hours.

bathroom hours

↓

Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

ways

↓

I'm pretty sure that's not love.

love

↓

- Damn it. - I love...

love

↓

...carpet.

carpet

↓

I love desk.

desk love

↓

Are you just looking at things in the office and saying you love them?

looking love office

↓

I love lamp.

lamp love

↓

Do you really, or are you just saying it because you saw it?

↓

I love lamp. I love lamp.

lamp love

↓

- You really want to know what love is? - Yeah.

love

↓

- Tell us. - More than anything in the world.

world

↓

Well, it's really quite simple.

simple

↓

It's kind of like...

↓

You guys have it, I think.

↓

I don't know, Ron. That sounds kind of crazy.

crazy sounds

↓

Sounds like you have mental problems, man.

mental problems sounds

↓

You have mental problems, man.

mental problems

↓

- It really does. - Man.

↓

- I'm gonna make a phone call here. - Freshen this up.

phone

↓

Oh, look out, next up it's Whiskerus Maximus.

↓

He is ready to do battle in the arena

arena battle ready

↓

against the tiniest lion you've ever imagined.

imagined lion

↓

I'm getting some great stuff, Ms. Corningstone.

stuff

↓

Shut up.

↓

I hate cats. Let's do my sign-off and get out of here.

cats hate sign

↓

It was quite a show down here at the Pet Shack,

shack

↓

and just for today, fashion curiosity did not kill the cat.

fashion kill today

↓

I'm Veronica Corningstone for Channel 4 News.

channel news veronica

↓

And that of course was our newest reporter Veronica Corningstone.

course newest reporter veronica

↓

She's really great.

↓

I'd also like to share with you that we are currently dating

currently dating share

↓

and that she is quite a handful in the bedroom.

bedroom handful

↓

Well, that does it for all of us here at 6:00.

↓

For the Channel 4 News team, I'm Ron Burgundy.

channel news team

↓

You stay classy, San Diego.

classy diego

↓

All clear.

clear

↓

I might be in trouble on that one.

might trouble

↓

I can't believe that you said we were dating on the air.

believe dating

↓

That is good fondue.

↓

Don't you get it, Ron? I want to be an anchor.

anchor

↓

That will never happen if everyone in San Diego thinks I'm your bimbo gal-pal.

diego happen thinks

↓

I don't know what to say,

↓

I just... I got excited.

excited

↓

I just wanted to shout it from on top of a mountain,

mountain shout wanted

↓

but I didn't have a mountain, I had a newsroom and a camera.

camera mountain

↓

Look, I report the news, that's what I do.

news report

↓

Today's top story,

story todays

↓

in Ron Burgundy's world,

world

↓

read something like this:

read

↓

I love Veronica Corningstone.

love veronica

↓

Oh, Ron...

↓

This is nice, gang, just sitting here, brown-bagging it.

bagging brown gang sitting

↓

So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow at nine.

breakfast nine pancake team tomorrow

↓

Oh, I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it, fellas.

able fellas forgot

↓

Veronica and I are trying this new fad called "jogging."

called veronica

↓

I believe it's "jogging." Or "yogging," it might be a soft J.

believe might soft

↓

I'm not sure, but apparently

apparently

↓

you just run for an extended period of time.

period

↓

- It's supposed to be wild. - So Ron's not coming?

coming supposed wild

↓

No, Ron's coming.

coming

↓

It's the pancake breakfast. We do it every month.

breakfast month pancake

↓

I realize that,

realize

↓

but sometimes you got to look in the mirror and say "When in Rome."

mirror rome sometimes

↓

The bottom line is

bottom bottom-line line

↓

you've been spending a lot of time with this lady.

lady spending

↓

You're a member of the Channel 4 News team.

channel member news team

↓

- That's a given. - We need you.

given

↓

Hell, I need you.

↓

I'm a mess without you.

mess

↓

I miss you so damn much.

miss

↓

I miss being with you.

miss

↓

I miss being near you.

miss near

↓

I miss your laugh.

laugh miss

↓

I miss your scent.

miss scent

↓

I miss your musk.

miss

↓

When this all gets sorted out, you and me should get an apartment.

apartment sorted

↓

Just take it easy, Champ.

champ easy

↓

Why don't you stop talking for a while?

↓

Maybe sit the next couple of plays out. Know what I mean?

couple plays

↓

I'm gonna quit saying things

quit

↓

when they crop up there in the old skull.

crop skull

↓

See what it's like when you're not here?

↓

You're our leader. Look what you're doing to the group.

group leader

↓

Champ's a mess, Brick can't sleep at night.

brick mess night sleep

↓

Here's the thing. I don't trust this chick. We need you around.

chick trust

↓

She is just using you.

using

↓

Everyone just relax, all right?

relax

↓

If there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.

knows women

↓

OK, and Veronica Corningstone,

veronica

↓

she's just dying to quit her job

dying quit

↓

so that she can take care of me and have babies.

babies care

↓

Hey, gang.

gang

↓

Papa's home.

home

↓

Honey, I am so glad you're home.

glad home honey

↓

My alabaster doll.

doll

↓

Gentlemen.

gentlemen

↓

You look great. No eye contact!

contact

↓

Darling!

darling

↓

I've spent all day Cleaning your Emmys

cleaning spent

↓

and preparing dinner in the nude.

dinner nude preparing

↓

Let's make whoopee,

whoopee

↓

and then I'm gonna go drinking with the news team for two days.

days drinking news team

↓

Wonderful. Wonderful!

↓

- Bite it! Bite it! - I'm gonna bite it!

bite

↓

Yes.

↓

- You are a bad boy. - I'm bad.

↓

I need to go to the principal's office.

office principals principals-office

↓

I love my life!

life love

↓

I don't know, Ron.

↓

Guess what? I do.

↓

I know that one day, Veronica and I are going to get married

married veronica

↓

on top of a mountain.

mountain

↓

And there's going to be flutes playing,

playing

↓

and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs,

flowers fresh herbs

↓

and we will dance till the sun rises.

dance rises till

↓

And then our children will form a family band.

band children family form

↓

We will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.

invited tour

↓

I'm telling you, this lady has really crawled into Ron's head.

crawled head lady telling

↓

Good one.

↓

OK, I understand. Have a nice day, sir. Bye.

↓

I could come back later.

↓

No, it's just parent stuff.

parent stuff

↓

It seems our youngest, Chris,

chris seems youngest

↓

was on something called "acid"

acid called

↓

and was firing a bow and arrow into a crowd.

arrow crowd firing

↓

- You know how kids are. - Right.

kids

↓

Anyhow, what can I do you for?

anyhow

↓

Well, Mr. Harken, I feel like I have proven myself as a journalist,

proven

↓

and that I deserve the opportunity to take on more challenging stories.

challenging deserve opportunity stories

↓

Well, ask and you shall receive.

receive

↓

Yes, this just came across my desk.

desk

↓

Here's a story of a 103-year-old woman out in Chula Vista

story woman

↓

who claims to have a recipe for the world's greatest meatloaf.

claims greatest meatloaf recipe worlds worlds-greatest

↓

Now that's a hot lead.

lead

↓

It was very hard for Veronica,

hard veronica

↓

but she was a pro and hung tough,

hung tough

↓

but soon, with a simple act of littering,

simple

↓

everyone's life would change forever.

change everyones forever life

↓

Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman

baxter gentleman

↓

I'll take you to foggy London town

london town

↓

Because you are what? My little gentleman

gentleman

↓

This burrito is delicious but it is filling.

burrito delicious filling

↓

Antony and Cleopatra!

↓

Goddamn son of...

goddamn

↓

- What the hell, bro? - Hello, neighbor.

neighbor

↓

Did you throw a burrito out your window?

burrito throw window

↓

- I believe I did. - Are you high or something?

believe

↓

- Did you see what happened? - I did, that was a terrific spill.

happened spill terrific

↓

- That's quite a raspberry. - That's my chopper you just thrashed.

chopper raspberry

↓

Easy, com padre, I'm your friend out here.

easy friend

↓

I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass!

chopper goofy stomp

↓

If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine.

throw

↓

I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for you.

jack johnson waiting

↓

You destroyed the only thing I love, all right?

destroyed love

↓

There it is. What do you love?

love

↓

I love poetry.

love poetry

↓

And a glass of scotch.

glass scotch

↓

And of course, my friend Baxter here.

baxter course friend

↓

Well, guess what? Now this is happening.

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

What are you doing?

↓

That's how I roll.

roll

↓

Baxter!

baxter

↓

No!

↓

- Where the hell is he? - He'll be here.

↓

I thought he was Mr. Dependable.

dependable

↓

I'd put Brick on, but unless he's tracking a storm front, he's useless.

brick front storm tracking useless

↓

- Excuse me, gentlemen. - Hello.

excuse gentlemen

↓

I just want you to know that if Ron does not show up, I am ready to go on.

ready

↓

Sweetheart, you and I have had this discussion a million times.

discussion million million-times sweetheart times

↓

- There's never been a woman anchor. - Mr. Harken,

anchor woman

↓

this city needs its news.

city needs news

↓

And you are gonna deprive them of that because I have breasts?

breasts

↓

Exquisite breasts?

breasts

↓

Now, I am gonna go on, and if you wanna try and stop me,

↓

bring it on. Because I am good at three things.

bring three

↓

Fighting, screwing and reading the news.

fighting news reading screwing

↓

Now, I've already done one of those today.

today

↓

So, what's the other one gonna be?

↓

Screwing?

screwing

↓

I will be in Make-up.

↓

Jesus. She's terrifying.

jesus terrifying

↓

Fantana.

↓

- Ron! Are you OK? - The man punted Baxter.

baxter

↓

Calm down. Breathe, Ron.

breathe calm

↓

The man on the motorcycle.

motorcycle

↓

- What did the bad man do? - The motorcycle on the bridge.

bridge motorcycle

↓

I hit him with a burrito.

burrito

↓

- Ron... - He took him.

↓

He took him with his foot and he kicked him.

foot kicked

↓

- That's what he did. - Someone punted him?

↓

No, wait, let me say something.

↓

What?

↓

I don't... I didn't understand one word you said.

word

↓

Are you OK?

↓

Ron.

↓

- Where are you? - I'm in a glass case of emotion.

case emotion glass

↓

Look, he's going to put Corningstone on.

↓

He's gonna put Corningstone on!

↓

I've got to do the news.

news

↓

You're not Ron.

↓

We're on in ten. Good luck, lady.

lady luck

↓

Ready the announce.

announce ready

↓

- Power. - Roll in.

power roll

↓

Power.

power

↓

One slip and you're gone.

gone slip

↓

Whammy.

↓

And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana.

brian field reporter

↓

It's Channel 4 News at six o'clock.

channel news oclock

↓

Good evening. Ron Burgundy is off tonight.

evening tonight

↓

I'm Veronica Corningstone.

veronica

↓

- Tonight's top story... - We're off and running.

running story tonights

↓

Three men wearing ski masks made off with over $20,000 from an area bank

area bank masks three wearing

↓

in a daring early-morning robbery.

early morning robbery

↓

And the winner of the frog-leaping contest was Hoppy,

contest frog leaping winner

↓

with a jump of seven feet, ten inches.

feet inches jump seven

↓

I used to date a guy named Hoppy in Alabama.

alabama date named used

↓

He was quite a jumper too.

jumper

↓

That'll do it for us at six o'clock.

oclock thatll

↓

From all of us here at Channel 4 News,

channel news

↓

I'm Veronica Corningstone,

veronica

↓

and thanks for stopping by, San Diego.

diego stopping thanks

↓

All clear.

clear

↓

Yes! Yes!

↓

Lady, lady...

lady

↓

Not bad, Ms. Corningstone, not bad at all.

↓

Thank you, Mr. Harken. That felt good. That felt really good.

↓

I liked your sign-off line, too.

liked line sign

↓

You did? It just came through me, it was so organic.

organic

↓

Thank you.

↓

Darling, I'm so glad you're all right.

darling glad

↓

I have something so magnificent to tell you...

magnificent

↓

I'm here, we can do the news now. It's all right, everyone.

news

↓

We can do the news. Why are we all standing around? Let's go.

news standing

↓

Ron, we just did it. Veronica filled in for you.

filled veronica

↓

- What? - We were so worried about you,

worried

↓

and we waited as long as we could, but, darling, I did the news

darling news waited

↓

and I nailed it. I nailed it!

nailed

↓

Wait, Veronica, please tell me

veronica

↓

this is some kind of sick, tasteless joke.

joke sick

↓

You weren't here. Why are you being this way?

↓

Why can't you just be proud of me,

proud

↓

as a peer and as my gentleman lover?

gentleman lover peer

↓

- Oh, jeez. - I can't believe you did this to me.

believe jeez

↓

- You read my news. - I told you I wanted to be an anchor.

anchor news read wanted

↓

- I told you that. - I thought you were kidding.

kidding

↓

I thought it was a joke.

joke

↓

I even wrote it down in my diary.

diary wrote

↓

"Veronica had a very funny joke today."

funny funny-joke joke today veronica

↓

I laughed at it later that night.

laughed night

↓

I can't believe I cared for you.

believe cared

↓

Get out. Just go.

↓

We are through. Through!

↓

Because of your actions, you scorpion woman.

actions scorpion woman

↓

You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy.

broken heart

↓

You have broken my heart.

broken heart

↓

From there on out,

↓

things just got worse for Ron Burgundy.

worse

↓

Corningstone was a star,

star

↓

and everything started to move awfully fast

awfully fast started

↓

after her big break.

break

↓

I just got a call from network.

network

↓

It looks like our broadcast last night received a two-point ratings boost,

boost broadcast night point ratings received

↓

and the decision has been passed down to make Veronica our co-anchor.

anchor decision passed veronica

↓

- What? - No.

↓

No!

↓

- No! - No!

↓

This is so wonderful. Ed, come here, you big silly man!

silly

↓

- We did it. - What is this, amateur hour?

amateur hour

↓

Damn it!

↓

What Brian didn't tell you was that those were not real pirates.

brian pirates real

↓

- They looked convincing, though. - Oh, yes.

convincing looked

↓

Well, for all of us here at Channel 4 News, I'm Ron Burgundy.

channel news

↓

You stay classy, San Diego.

classy diego

↓

And thanks for stopping by.

stopping thanks

↓

But mainly, stay classy.

classy

↓

- Thanks for stopping by. - Stay classy.

classy stopping thanks

↓

- Thanks for stopping by. - Stay classy. Ron Burgundy.

classy stopping thanks

↓

You are a real hooker and I'm going to slap you in public.

hooker public real slap

↓

You have way too much pubic hair.

hair

↓

That's a point of pride.

point pride

↓

I'm very proud of my mane of pubic hair. Thank you.

hair proud

↓

You have man boobs.

boobs

↓

You've got a dirty, whorish mouth.

dirty mouth

↓

I'm going to punch you in the ovary. A straight shot.

punch shot straight

↓

Right to the baby maker.

baby maker

↓

Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.

boys fairy flute jazz

↓

OK, that's uncalled for. I can't work with this woman. That's terrible.

uncalled woman

↓

It's ringing.

ringing

↓

Veronica Corningstone.

veronica

↓

Hello, this is Mike Rithjin from the network.

mike network

↓

You've just been promoted and you need to move to Moscow,

promoted

↓

so start cleaning up your desk and we'll see you in the morning.

cleaning desk morning start

↓

What did you say your name was?

name

↓

Mike Rithnithin... It's not important.

mike

↓

Just start cleaning your desk. We'll pick you up in the morning.

cleaning desk morning pick start

↓

- She might want to get a coat. - Hold on. Veronica?

coat might veronica

↓

- What was it? - Tell her she should get a coat.

coat

↓

Also, I don't know if you know Moscow,

↓

it's pretty cold, you might wanna buy a coat.

coat cold might

↓

- Are you and Champ having a good time? - Are we what?

champ having

↓

I can see you, Ron.

↓

- What? - I can see you.

↓

OK. Bye-bye.

↓

Shoot, she knew it was me.

shoot

↓

You're watching Channel 4 News With five-time Emmy-A ward-Winning anchor

anchor channel five news ward watching winning

↓

Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.

tits

↓

Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone.

diego evening veronica

↓

Tits McGee is on vacation.

tits vacation

↓

And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.

tits

↓

Veronica Corningstone.

veronica

↓

This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here,

doctor pregnancy report

↓

and guess what? You got knocked up,

knocked

↓

so you should probably get out of the news.

news

↓

- Who is this? - This is Dr. Chim.

↓

Dr. Chim Richalds.

↓

- Ron, is this you? - I'm a professional doctor.

doctor professional

↓

You saw me, you don't remember.

remember

↓

You should move.

↓

- Get out of the business. - This is pathetic.

business pathetic

↓

You're pathetic.

pathetic

↓

- What did she say? - She... I think she bought it.

bought

↓

She's looking this way.

looking

↓

We should...

↓

I tell you what, it's just not working.

working

↓

She's making us look like a bunch of fools.

bunch fools

↓

Helen, where's the party?

helen party

↓

Children, grow up.

children grow

↓

Son of a bee-sting, she's turning the entire office against us.

entire office sting turning

↓

- This is grim. Real grim. - What are we going to do?

grim real

↓

There's only one thing a man can do

↓

when he's suffering from a spiritual and existential funk.

funk spiritual suffering

↓

Go to the zoo, flip off the monkeys?

flip monkeys

↓

No, buy new suits.

suits

↓

Where's the suit store? We've been walking for 45 minutes.

minutes store suit walking

↓

Brick, I thought this was a short cut.

brick short

↓

- Fantastic. - Well, is it a short cut?

fantastic short

↓

OK.

↓

Jeez.

jeez

↓

Here comes trouble.

comes trouble

↓

Burgundy and the ladies went out for a stroll, huh?

ladies stroll

↓

You boys go out walking around, talking things through?

boys walking

↓

Keep a tight perimeter.

perimeter tight

↓

Yes, siree.

↓

Well, well, well.

↓

Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News team.

channel news team

↓

- Where's your mommy? - You back off, evening news team.

evening mommy news team

↓

You know, I understand that

↓

they had to bring a female in.

bring female

↓

Change your diapers,

change diapers

↓

wipe the dribble away from your bubbling lips.

bubbling lips wipe

↓

Rub Vaseline all over your heinie

↓

and tell you that it's special and different from everyone else's.

elses special

↓

He said "heinie."

↓

- Brick, get back over here. - Heinie.

brick

↓

Does she tuck you in, Ronnie?

ronnie tuck

↓

Give you a little kiss on your forehead,

forehead kiss

↓

tell you everything's gonna be OK?

everythings

↓

I've had enough of you, Mantooth.

↓

This is going to end right here, right now.

↓

- Let's dance, dick weed. - You want to dance, Ronnie?

dance dick ronnie weed

↓

I want to polka.

↓

Come get a taste.

taste

↓

- Where did you get a hand grenade? - I don't know.

grenade hand hand-grenade

↓

All right, let's do this.

↓

If you're going to have a fight, don't forget Channel 2 News,

channel fight forget news

↓

with me, lead anchor Frank Vitchard.

anchor frank lead

↓

You dirt bags have been in third place for five years.

bags dirt five five-years place third years

↓

Yeah? Well, you're about to be in dead place.

dead place

↓

Not so fast, you ingrates.

fast

↓

Public News team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass.

break drive kick news pledge public team

↓

No commercials, no mercy.

commercials mercy

↓

Cómo estan, bitches?

bitches

↓

Spanish Language News is here.

language news spanish

↓

Tonight's top story: the sewers run red

sewers story tonights

↓

with Burgundy's blood.

blood

↓

Well, looks like we got ourselves a bilingual bloodfest.

↓

Now before we do this, let's go over the ground rules.

ground ground-rules rules

↓

Rule number one:

number rule rule-number

↓

no touching of the hair or face.

face hair touching

↓

Of course.

course

↓

And that's it. Now let's do this.

↓

Begin.

begin

↓

Oh, God!

↓

I'm gonna straight up murder your ass.

murder straight

↓

I did not see that coming!

coming

↓

- Now I'll be number one. - No, you won't.

number

↓

Boy, that escalated quickly.

escalated quickly

↓

I mean that really got out of hand fast.

fast hand

↓

- It jumped up a notch. - It did, didn't it?

jumped notch

↓

Yeah. I stabbed a man in the heart.

heart stabbed

↓

I saw that. Brick killed a guy.

brick killed

↓

Did you throw a trident?

throw

↓

There were horses and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.

fire horses killed

↓

I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

meaning

↓

Find yourself a safe house or a relative close by.

close house relative safe

↓

Lay low, because you're probably wanted for murder.

murder wanted

↓

I'm proud of you. You all kept your head on a swivel

head proud

↓

and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a cock fight.

cock fight

↓

Can you believe Mantooth and the Channel 9 Evening News Team?

believe channel evening news team

↓

I mean, "Where's your mommy? Someone's gotta change your diapers."

change diapers mommy someones

↓

This Corningstone business is hurting our rep.

business hurting

↓

I know exactly what you mean.

↓

Every news man in this city is laughing at us,

city laughing news

↓

and I don't like it.

↓

- I don't like the put-downs. - We're gonna do something about it.

downs

↓

It is time to put an end to this.

↓

Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name is Ron Burgundy.

dictionary looked name

↓

- What's your name? - Brian Fantana.

brian name

↓

- Champ Kind. - Brian Fantana.

brian champ

↓

No, you're Brick.

brick

↓

- I'm Brian. - Brick.

brian brick

↓

And I've shown you, old man...

shown

↓

Garth, I need to look at these tapes for a potential lead.

garth lead potential tapes

↓

Ron's using the machine to play his

machine using

↓

Local Emmy acceptance speech from last year.

acceptance local speech

↓

I tried to ask her out.

tried

↓

Turn the music off! I'm still talking!

music

↓

- This is ridiculous. - I don't even remember doing this.

remember ridiculous

↓

Excuse me. What are you doing?

excuse

↓

I need to use this machine so I can watch a tape for a story.

machine story tape watch

↓

Well, I'm using the tape,

tape using

↓

I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape.

jeffrey showing tape

↓

- We are watching history. - Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional.

history professional watching

↓

I would like to be able to do my job.

able

↓

Well, big deal. I am very professional.

deal professional

↓

Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.

acting baby

↓

I'm not a baby, I'm a man.

baby

↓

- I am an anchorman. - You are not a man.

↓

You are a big, fat joke.

joke

↓

I'm a man who discovered the wheel

discovered wheel

↓

and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn.

built metal tower

↓

That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain.

brain woman

↓

With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

brain science size third

↓

I will have you know

↓

that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger

finger intelligence talent

↓

than you do in your entire body, sir.

body entire

↓

You are a smelly pirate hooker.

hooker pirate smelly

↓

You look like a blueberry.

blueberry

↓

Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?

home island whore

↓

Well, you have bad hair.

hair

↓

What did you say?

↓

I said

↓

your hair looks stupid.

hair stupid

↓

- Let 'em work it out. - It's between the two of 'em.

↓

They're just talking.

↓

- I hate you. - I hate you more.

hate

↓

All right, stop. Stop what you're doing right now.

↓

I will not have my news room be divided.

divided news room

↓

Knights of Columbus, that hurts.

columbus hurts knights

↓

I was like, "Who was that guy?"

↓

I just can't believe what Ron did to you.

believe

↓

It is so awful.

awful

↓

Yes.

↓

Have you ever thought about

↓

fighting fire with fire?

fighting fire

↓

What do you mean?

↓

I have some information that you can choose to use.

choose information

↓

Or not use. Up to you.

↓

Ron Burgundy will read anything

read

↓

that is put on that teleprompter.

↓

And when I say anything, I mean anything.

↓

Arnold, cue one.

arnold

↓

After the FotoMat was destroyed,

destroyed

↓

the bear scampered back into the woods.

bear woods

↓

Apparently, he wasn't too happy with his color prints.

apparently color happy prints

↓

From the entire Channel 4 News team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.

channel entire news team veronica

↓

And I'm Ron Burgundy.

↓

Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

diego fuck

↓

What in the name... No!

name

↓

Nobody talks about my city that way.

city nobody talks

↓

Ron Burgundy's ass is grass!

grass

↓

Nice work, everyone.

↓

Sharp broadcast, really good.

broadcast sharp

↓

Everyone on the floor, as well.

floor

↓

A lot of hustle, I liked it.

hustle liked

↓

Dump out.

dump

↓

- Hello, Edward. - I've got to fire you.

edward fire

↓

I've got to fire you.

fire

↓

You're fired, Ed.

fired

↓

Do you even know what you just said?

↓

Great Odin's raven.

↓

Are you happy?

happy

↓

Veronica put that in the teleprompter.

veronica

↓

You're probably right, but this is bad, real bad.

real

↓

My hands are tied.

hands tied

↓

- I gotta fire you. - Let's hold on, let's count to ten.

count fire

↓

All right? That's a rash decision. OK?

decision rash

↓

Is this about something else?

↓

There's 300 angry San Diegoites...

angry

↓

San Diego-ins. San Diego-ans.

diego

↓

- San Diegons. - San Diegans.

↓

...San Diegans out in front of the station. They want Ron's blood.

blood front station

↓

- They want to hurt you. - Why did you say that? Why?

hurt

↓

Why, Ron?

↓

- You're my hero, Ron... - Garth, I...

garth hero

↓

...and you come out with stink like that.

stink

↓

Poop.

poop

↓

You poop mouth. Poop out of your mouth.

mouth poop

↓

Garth, If I were to give you some money, would that ease the pain?

ease garth money pain

↓

I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you!

hate

↓

Ron! Ron, I never wanted it to be like this.

wanted

↓

I can't believe you did this to me.

believe

↓

- Are you happy?! - No, Ron, I'm not!

happy

↓

It was supposed to be a joke!

joke supposed

↓

I mean, it's still kind of funny, but it's not.

funny

↓

I have nothing left! Nothing! I've been reduced to rubble!

left reduced rubble

↓

Don't you know I would never say the word "fuck."

fuck word

↓

I would never fuckin' ever fuckin' say that! Ever!

fuckin

↓

Come on, these people are about to pull you apart.

apart pull

↓

I'm sorry! Get your hands off him, you bastards!

bastards hands

↓

Don't you know I would never say "fuck"?!

fuck

↓

- Fuck! - Let's move!

fuck

↓

No! No!

↓

You should be ashamed of yourself.

ashamed

↓

- Please... - You are an awful man.

awful

↓

You are truly a disappointment to us all, Mr. Burgundy.

disappointment truly

↓

Bob Dylan once wrote "The Times They Are A—Changin'."

dylan times wrote

↓

Ron Burgundy had never heard that song,

heard song

↓

so when he fell, he fell hard.

fell hard

↓

It's Channel 4 News at six o'clock.

channel news oclock

↓

Good evening, San Diego, I'm lead anchor Veronica Corningstone.

anchor diego evening lead veronica

↓

Tonight's top story: an ultrasound of Ling Wong,

ling story tonights ultrasound

↓

the most famous panda in the world,

famous panda world

↓

shows her baby is doing quite well.

baby shows

↓

Ron Burgundy, stay classy.

classy

↓

Hello, this is Ron.

↓

Who's there? I'm talking. Hello?

↓

Who is this?

↓

Baxter, is that you?

baxter

↓

Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee.

bark milwaukee twice

↓

Is this Wilt Chamberlain?

wilt

↓

Have the courage to say something.

courage

↓

Hello!

↓

Oh, Tino, thank you. Thank you for letting me come in here.

letting

↓

- I'm glad I can still get a good meal. - Yeah, sure.

glad meal

↓

Here you are, Mr. Burgundy. The chef made this special for you.

chef special

↓

You eat that, for the way you talk about my city!

city

↓

I will not eat that!

↓

You are going to eat that cat poop!

poop

↓

I will not eat eat poop.

poop

↓

- You will eat eat poop! - Ron Burgundy says no!

poop

↓

You make a fool of me and everyone here.

fool

↓

You put that cat poop in your mouth.

mouth poop

↓

- No! - Yes.

↓

No!

↓

- I will not eat eat poop! - You will do it immediately.

immediately poop

↓

- No! - You will!

↓

- Fine, I'll try to eat one... - Yeah, get in there.

↓

If I take one bite, will you get me a steak?

bite steak

↓

If I take one bite of shit, will you bring me a steak?

bite bring steak

↓

I'll think about it.

↓

Yeah, get in there. You see.

↓

- Yeah. - Oh, please. I am so hungry.

hungry

↓

- There. - Oh, God!

↓

A steak, a big steak for him, please.

steak

↓

No! I had one bite.

bite

↓

- That's not enough. - Son of a bitch!

bitch

↓

Like this, you take it like this.

↓

Don't cry, don't cry.

↓

He's not crying, he's not crying. Don't cry in my...

crying

↓

- I'll eat the shit! I don't care. - Don't cry, please.

care

↓

- I'll eat the entire hunk of shit. - OK.

entire hunk

↓

Let's finish it up. Don't you feel better now?

finish

↓

Hey, you watch yourself, mister.

mister watch

↓

Hey, lady in the red hat, yeah.

lady

↓

You smell.

smell

↓

Guys. It's me, Ron.

↓

Fellas!

fellas

↓

- Harken will fire us if we talk to you. - What?

fire

↓

- I'm sorry. - I... Brian!

brian

↓

It's Ronnie!

ronnie

↓

- Ron! - Champ!

champ

↓

- Ron! - Champ. Come on.

champ

↓

No, Brick.

brick

↓

My sweet Brick.

brick sweet

↓

Come hug me, I know you want to.

↓

I am completely miserable, San Diego.

completely diego miserable

↓

It's so damn hot.

↓

Milk was a bad choice.

choice milk

↓

Yes... Chris, listen to me,

chris

↓

put down the gun and let the marching band go.

band marching

↓

We'll play it off as a prank.

prank

↓

We'll straighten it out later. I'm getting another call.

another straighten

↓

Ed Harken.

↓

What? Oh, my God!

↓

Listen, everybody, Ling Wong the panda is giving birth.

birth everybody giving giving-birth ling panda

↓

Get Corningstone over there right away.

↓

The network is picking up the feed.

feed network picking

↓

I want a shot of that panda being born.

born panda shot

↓

This is Ted Nightingale, Channel 6 News Los Angeles from the San Diego Zoo

angeles channel diego news

↓

and this is the moment the entire world has been waiting for.

entire entire-world moment waiting world

↓

I can only speculate as to the sex of the panda,

panda

↓

but if I had to guess, I'd say female.

female

↓

Excuse me. Press.

excuse press

↓

Excuse me, I'm press. Thank you.

excuse press

↓

- What have you got? - Nothing, all I can see is a curtain.

curtain

↓

Damn it.

↓

All right, you go over there and see if you can get a shot, I'll go this way.

shot

↓

Hey, lady, why don't you go fetch me a sandwich?

fetch lady sandwich

↓

OK, I'll get your sandwich.

sandwich

↓

Then I'll show you the ratings where you're number two to a woman.

number ratings woman

↓

Ouch. Don't lose any more hair over it.

hair lose ouch

↓

- Whatever. - We're live, Mr. Mantooth.

live

↓

Good afternoon, San Diego.

afternoon diego

↓

We're here today to celebrate the birth of a panda.

birth celebrate panda today

↓

I make fart noises with my mouth

fart mouth noises

↓

And I like to cut...

↓

Hey, nut job. Quit the singing.

quit singing

↓

You're creeping out the regulars.

↓

I'm expressing my inner anguish through the majesty of song!

expressing inner majesty song

↓

Look, drunky, you've been coming in here every day

coming

↓

stinking up the joint with your craziness.

joint stinking

↓

- What is wrong with you? - I've got no heart.

heart

↓

Because a she-devil stole it.

devil stole

↓

And you know what the worst part about it is?

part worst worst-part

↓

She's better than me.

↓

She's better than me.

↓

You know, times are changing.

changing times

↓

Ladies can do stuff now.

ladies stuff

↓

And you're gonna have to learn how to deal with that.

deal learn

↓

What? Were you saying something?

↓

Look, I don't speak Spanish.

spanish speak speak-spanish

↓

Scotty, I have the shot.

scotty shot

↓

Scotty! Scotty!

scotty

↓

That is some fantastic shot you got there.

fantastic shot

↓

That's the kind of shot that gets you to the top of network news.

network news shot

↓

Well, we hope.

hope

↓

We at public television,

public television

↓

we're really down with the woman's lib thing.

womans

↓

You know that is so refreshing to me, because".

refreshing

↓

Howie, got the shot.

howie shot

↓

- Up a little. - You son of a bitch!

bitch

↓

You don't want to wake your friends.

friends wake

↓

Help.

↓

- She vanished. - How do you lose your lead anchor?

anchor lead lose vanished

↓

- I can't find Corningstone. - Where the hell is she?

↓

- No one's seen her. - I can't believe this.

believe ones seen

↓

Every news outlet in the world is looking for coverage on this.

coverage looking news outlet world

↓

I've got no damn lead anchor.

anchor lead

↓

Damn it, get me a phone.

phone

↓

I can't believe I'm about to do this.

believe

↓

- Rocky's Bar, Grill, Fine Dining. - Is there an anchorman there?

dining grill

↓

- Hold on. - This is killing me to do this.

killing

↓

I'd rather slit my throat. Hello?

slit throat

↓

- Hello? - Is this Ron?

↓

- Who is this? - It's me, Ed.

↓

- Who? - Ed Harken.

↓

- I don't know a Ned. - Ed Harken!

↓

Ed! Hello!

↓

Listen, Ron. Miss Corningstone disappeared

disappeared miss

↓

in the midst of the biggest story of the year.

biggest midst story

↓

We need you down here right away.

↓

Wait, Ed.

↓

Does this mean you're asking me to report the news again?

asking news report

↓

- Yes. - That's wonderful, thank you!

↓

Hold on, I wanna just say a few words.

words

↓

You have always been a good friend.

friend

↓

- Right. - Always.

↓

Get down here as quickly as you can.

quickly

↓

I'll be down there. And I'm going to look good.

↓

Good evening, I'm Ron Burgundy.

evening

↓

Damn, that dude cleans up good.

cleans

↓

If I'm going to do this, I'll need my news team at my side.

news side team

↓

News team! Assemble!

assemble news team

↓

Ron, I'm coming!

coming

↓

News team! Assemble!

assemble news team

↓

Hey, Ron.

↓

- What's up? - Oh. Hi.

↓

Didn't see you there.

↓

We've been here literally the entire time you have.

entire

↓

I'm a little embarrassed.

embarrassed

↓

Look, I just got the call from Harken.

↓

He wants me back, but I can't do this without my news team.

news team wants

↓

I don't know, that was half a lifetime ago. We're different people now.

half lifetime

↓

And when you left the hurt was so deep.

deep hurt left

↓

- I don't know if I can do that again. - Think about what you're asking, man.

asking

↓

Gentlemen...

gentlemen

↓

there was a time

↓

when you called me your lead anchor.

anchor called lead

↓

Will you follow me again?

follow

↓

I'm getting too old for this shit.

↓

To the news van.

news

↓

- To the news van. - OK!

news

↓

Well, I'll be. Ron Burgundy, he's back.

↓

All right, let's get a good position for the story.

position story

↓

- How does the hair look? - You have hair like an angel.

angel hair

↓

Network talent scout. This is a hot one.

network scout talent

↓

I'm actually nervous. Let's go get 'em, guys.

nervous

↓

Wait. Did you just hear something?

↓

Help.

↓

Veronica!

veronica

↓

- Help. - Are you OK?

↓

- How did you get down there? - Just go get someone, please.

↓

Hold on. Hold on!

↓

Oh, my God! We've got to do something.

↓

Whoa, Ron, I don't want to sound cruel, but...

cruel sound whoa

↓

There's a network talent scout here.

network scout talent

↓

This is a tough decision.

decision tough

↓

So much to think about.

↓

Basically the biggest story of my career

biggest career story

↓

launching me to a level I've never known before,

known level

↓

or saving the woman

saving woman

↓

I used to have familiar relations with.

familiar relations used

↓

This is hard. I am in a pickle.

hard pickle

↓

I know it sounds harsh,

harsh sounds

↓

but God does not want her to live.

live

↓

No, hold on.

↓

It's clear now.

clear

↓

We go into the bear pit.

bear

↓

No, Ron, don't.

↓

I immediately regret this decision.

decision immediately regret

↓

What are you doing? Why didn't you get help?

↓

These bears are massive. They looked a lot smaller from up there.

bears looked massive smaller

↓

Fan out, let's go find Harken.

↓

Stay.

↓

It's all right. I think it's all right, my sweet chinchilla.

sweet

↓

Ron, in case we die here today,

case today

↓

there's something you should know.

↓

That dirty trick with the teleprompter, it wasn't my...

dirty trick

↓

Sweet Eli Whitney's nose! It wasn't you, was it?

nose sweet

↓

It was Wes Mantooth. I should have known.

known

↓

No. No, I did it.

↓

You bitch!

bitch

↓

You woke the bears. Why did you do that?

bears woke

↓

I knew it! There's somebody in the bear pit.

bear somebody

↓

It took my impending death

death

↓

for me to realize how much I need you.

realize

↓

Those bears are gonna hurt them.

bears hurt

↓

News team, let's hunt.

hunt news team

↓

News team!

news team

↓

Bear fight!

bear fight

↓

Hit them in the uvula.

↓

Hey, I'm riding a furry tractor.

furry riding tractor

↓

The bears have descended on the news team

bears news team

↓

and it's not going well. Clearly after today, I will...

today

↓

Come on! Oh, God!

↓

This is getting to be ri-god-damn-diculous!

↓

Oh, no. We woke up the momma.

woke

↓

I don't want to die.

↓

Ron!!!

↓

Leave these people alone.

alone

↓

They mean you no harm.

harm

↓

We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.

bears must proud race

↓

In my travels I met one of your kind.

travels

↓

His name was Katow—jo.

name

↓

We became friends.

became friends

↓

Katow—jo is my cousin.

cousin

↓

Go in peace.

peace

↓

I will tell tales of your compassion.

compassion tales

↓

Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.

baxter bears fare friend thee

↓

- Look, they're following their mother. - It's instinct.

following instinct mother

↓

You're still alive. I'm so happy.

alive happy

↓

I'm so happy! You are alive!

alive happy

↓

I wanna lick you! I will lick you in front of everyone

front lick

↓

to show my joy.

↓

Boy, he really likes that dog.

likes

↓

Burgundy! Burgundy! Burgundy!

↓

Hi, Ron.

↓

- It's always a long fall from the top. - Easy.

easy fall

↓

I've been waiting to say this to you for a long time.

waiting

↓

- All right. - Deep down in my stomach,

deep stomach

↓

with every inch of me,

inch

↓

I pure, straight hate you.

hate pure straight

↓

But, goddamn it, do I respect you.

goddamn goddamn-it respect

↓

Thank you, brother.

brother

↓

Today we spell redemption R-O-N.

redemption spell today

↓

Ron, I think you've got a story to report.

report story

↓

Are you sure, Ed?

↓

Do it.

↓

It's the story you were born to tell.

born story

↓

San Diego's waiting, go get 'em.

waiting

↓

Make way. Ron Burgundy's about to report on pandas.

pandas report

↓

- Count me down. Three? - You're live, Mr. Burgundy.

count live three

↓

This is Ron Burgundy,

↓

proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News.

channel news proudly reporting

↓

Today's story is one of the more remarkable things

remarkable story todays

↓

ever to happen to San Diego.

diego happen

↓

Or even the world.

world

↓

But in order to properly retell it,

order properly

↓

I'm going to need some help

↓

from my co-anchor,

anchor

↓

Miss Veronica Corningstone.

miss veronica

↓

- High pressure system... - No, Brick.

brick pressure system

↓

- A high pressure system. - Go stand over there.

pressure stand system

↓

There are literally thousands of men that I should be with instead,

thousands

↓

but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.

love percent

↓

Yes, redemption was sweet for Ron Burgundy.

redemption sweet

↓

— As for the news team... — Stop “ft.

news team

↓

...Champ Kind went on to be a commentator for the NFL,

champ

↓

but was fired after being accused of sexual harassment

accused fired harassment sexual sexual-harassment

↓

by Terry Bradshaw.

terry

↓

Excuse me,

excuse

↓

is that Sex Panther you're wearing?

panther wearing

↓

Brian Fantana went on to have great success

brian success

↓

as the host of the hit reality TV show

host reality

↓

Intercourse Island on the Fox Network.

island network

↓

Anyone seen Brick?

brick seen

↓

- Oh, that tickles. - Brick!

brick tickles

↓

That tickles me, come on.

tickles

↓

Brick Tamland is married with 11 children

brick children married

↓

and is one of the top political advisers to the Bush White House.

bush house political white white-house

↓

I'm gonna get you!

↓

Hey! Is she going to live with us?

live

↓

Because I am not cool with that.

cool

↓

And Ron and Veronica didn't stay in San Diego long.

diego veronica

↓

I chose them as my replacement

chose replacement

↓

and they became the first mixed—gender network news team.

became gender mixed network news team

↓

And they're still doing it today.

today

↓

From all of us at the World News Center, I'm Veronica Corningstone.

center news veronica world

↓

And I'm Ron Burgundy.

↓

You stay classy, Planet Earth.

classy earth planet

↓

Great Odin's raven!

↓

By the hammer of Thor!

hammer thor

↓

Saint Damien's beard!

beard saint

↓

Sweet grandmother's spatula!

grandmothers sweet

↓

Hot pot of coffee!

coffee

↓

Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe!

corn pipe uncle

↓

I'm going to shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking.

looking shoot

↓

- In the back of the head. - I'm sorry.

head

↓

You're not very bright. You're actually quite a dullard.

bright

↓

And everyone here knows it.

knows

↓

Well, if I'm a dullard, you're the...

↓

...the dull...

dull

↓

- Can't think of anything to say. - Yes, I can.

↓

I can think of a lot of things to say. Like you're a dirty bitch.

bitch dirty

↓

Well, Ron, I'm going to put poison...

poison

↓

I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava.

drank lamp lava

↓

I ate a whole bunch of fiberglass insulation.

bunch whole whole-bunch

↓

It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said.

candy cotton

↓

My stomach's itchy.

itchy stomachs

↓

I pooped a hammer. I pooped a tape recorder.

hammer pooped recorder tape tape-recorder

↓

I pooped a Cornish game hen.

game pooped

↓

Nope.

nope

↓

Do not take a tone with me

tone

↓

'cause I will give you a rap right on the Jack Johnson.

jack johnson

↓

- OK. - Yes.

↓

- Now this is happening. - What are you doing?

↓

I guess we'll go back to doing what I do best: show off.

best

↓

When do we get started?

started

↓

- When do we get started? - That's my line.

line started

↓

That's my line. You say "Whenever you like."

line

↓

Whenever you like.

↓

Keep it rolling, this is good stuff.

rolling stuff

↓

...area bank robbery in a daring early-morning...

area bank early morning robbery

↓

It's probably not the same one. Probably not the same guy.

↓

Brick, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament this summer?

brick celebrity golf having summer tournament

↓

No, too many people died last year, so we're not...

died

↓

Sorry.

↓

They named it San Diego,

diego named

↓

which in German means, "a whale's vagina."

german vagina whales

↓

This is the most ridiculous thing ever.

ridiculous

↓

Way to handle it, Ron, that was nice.

handle

↓

- Sure is good to be number one. - Beats the hell out of number two.

beats number

↓

We are laughing.

laughing

↓

And we are very good friends.

friends

↓

Good buddies sharing a special moment.

buddies moment sharing special

↓

Don't say anything, just let it happen.

happen

↓

Laughing, enjoying our friendship.

enjoying friendship laughing

↓

And some day we'll look back on this with much fondness.

↓

Yeah.