♥ Saved GIFs

Loading…

View all favorites →

Home » The Hawk » S01E05 — The Prison Yard

The Hawk

Season 1, Episode 5 — The Prison Yard

TMDB episode metadata

Show: The Hawk

Episode title: The Prison Yard

Air date: July 16, 2026

Director: Shiri Appleby

Top billed cast: Will Ferrell, Molly Shannon, Jimmy Tatro, Fortune Feimster

Lonnie lands a magazine cover that leaves his entire circle seething. Sam's past finally catches up with her.

Source: TMDB

↓

It's gonna be the manifold. I knew it.

↓

I should have checked the manifold. Goddamn manifold, right?

checked goddamn

↓

You don't know shit about engines. It's the belt.

belt engines

↓

Well, the belt's connected to the manifold, so…

belts connected

↓

Stop it, all right?

↓

It is a belt. It is a serpentine belt.

belt

↓

Oh, serpentine belt.

belt

↓

I saw an auto parts shop before we got on the road.

auto parts road shop

↓

I can fix it, but it'll take like half a day.

half itll

↓

Okay, well, how far away is the golf course?

course golf golf-course

↓

I don't know, 20, 30 miles.

miles

↓

You know, I got this.

↓

I'm gonna hitch. I've hitched to many a tournament.

hitch tournament

↓

- You're gonna hitchhike? - Yeah, why not?

↓

Who's gonna stop for a creepy old guy in golf shoes?

creepy golf shoes

↓

Know what? I'll see you this afternoon.

afternoon

↓

All right.

↓

- You're gonna get killed. - If I do, you can have the bus.

killed

↓

It'll be like two serial killers who troll the highways looking for drifters.

itll killers looking serial troll

↓

They're gonna turn your face into a mask and rob banks with it.

banks face mask

↓

It'll be Lonnie Hawkins on wanted posters everywhere.

hawkins itll lonnie posters wanted

↓

But it won't be you.

↓

'Cause you'll be cut up into a dumpster behind a truck stop somewhere.

behind dumpster truck

↓

What did I tell you? Huh?

↓

Look, huh? Duh!

↓

Un-fucking-believable.

believable fucking

↓

- ♪ They call him the Hawk ♪ - ♪ Hawk! ♪

hawk

↓

♪ He's a golfer ♪

golfer

↓

♪ The greatest golfer in the world! ♪

golfer greatest world

↓

Oof! That was gonna be a long walk.

walk

↓

I got a golf tournament in Los Angeles, so I really appreciate it.

angeles appreciate golf tournament

↓

That's where I'm headed. I'm… I'm a PGA Tour player.

headed player tour

↓

You may have recognized me. Uh, Lonnie "The Hawk" Hawkins.

hawk hawkins lonnie recognized

↓

Oh, where's my visor?

↓

I heard of you.

heard

↓

Good. Well, good.

↓

That's nice.

↓

- That girl back there… - Yeah.

girl

↓

She your girlfriend?

girlfriend

↓

- Her? - Yeah.

↓

No, no, no. She's my caddie.

↓

- Oh, your caddie. - Yeah.

↓

Do you fuck her?

fuck

↓

I'm sorry?

↓

No. What?

↓

- No? - Uh-uh. No.

↓

Do you want to?

↓

Are you gonna cut my face off and make a mask out of it?

face mask

↓

You see this shit?

↓

Golf Digest. Really?

golf

↓

Unbelievable.

unbelievable

↓

Oh God.

↓

They're just trying to stir up some big underdog story.

stir story

↓

- Don't let it bother you. - How am I supposed to do that?

bother supposed

↓

You see the pairings for Thursday?

thursday

↓

They put us in the same group. He's not even ranked in the top 500.

group ranked

↓

Honey, stop. It's just for TV.

honey

↓

I just need to break something.

break

↓

- I need to break something. - Hey, Lance, whoa!

break lance whoa

↓

Whoa. Let's try some manifesting.

whoa

↓

Um… stupid.

stupid

↓

I can't "manifest" him out of the tournament.

manifest tournament

↓

- Come on. - Okay.

↓

I gotta get in some ice!

↓

Hey.

↓

What?

↓

Where did you go last night?

night

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

- I was with you at the engagement thing. - I know, but after, when we got back home.

engagement home

↓

I told you, I had to, uh, hit the range.

range

↓

Okay, well, I just saw you looking at your phone, and then I saw you leave, so…

looking phone

↓

Are you having an affair?

affair having

↓

Be honest.

honest

↓

An affair? Are you… What, are you crazy?

affair crazy

↓

- No, I don't know. - Come on.

↓

You've been acting really strange, and closed off, and…

acting closed strange

↓

Don't do this right now. I have to focus.

focus

↓

You know how hard golf is at this level? It's not some fucking bank job.

bank fucking golf hard level

↓

And you're coming in accusing me of having an affair?

accusing affair coming having

↓

Are you having an affair?

affair having

↓

Look, I'm so sorry.

↓

I'm just stressed.

stressed

↓

Now I… I love you so much. I wish I could stay here with you all day.

love wish

↓

You look so fucking sexy in your little jammies right now, but I just, I can't.

fucking jammies sexy

↓

I got a practice round at 2:00. I gotta jump in some ice.

jump practice round

↓

Oh, and Nat?

↓

- You look great. - Great.

↓

Look at this shit.

↓

Is that Lonnie Hawkins? I thought he was retired.

hawkins lonnie retired

↓

Does that look retired to you?

retired

↓

He looks old.

↓

Oh, not like you remember him?

remember

↓

Now, Anton, I thought we were done talking about that a long time ago.

↓

I just get so mad when I think about his hands on your voluptuous titties.

hands titties

↓

Well, then don't.

↓

Him undulating all over you like a wild hog on a deer carcass?

carcass deer wild

↓

Okay, he didn't undulate… that much. And it was over 15 years ago.

years

↓

You need to get over it.

↓

Okay, I know. I know. I'm just so steaming mad!

steaming

↓

- I mean, look at me. I'm a wonderful guy. - Mm-hmm.

↓

There are those who want me to be the next PGA Tour commissioner.

commissioner tour

↓

You have to be.

↓

And then along comes this walking bag of burps and farts,

along burps comes farts walking

↓

and suddenly everybody ejaculates in their pants.

everybody pants suddenly

↓

Why don't you kick him out of the Tour? You're on the board.

board kick tour

↓

I can't. He is back up fair and square.

fair square

↓

- I feel so weak in my bones. - Mmm.

bones weak

↓

I'm gonna go check on my beehives.

check

↓

Okay.

↓

Do you want me to have Selma draw you a warm bath?

bath draw warm

↓

Yes, I do.

↓

Okay.

↓

Selma!

↓

Can you believe this shit?

believe

↓

What, dear?

dear

↓

This, my husband.

husband

↓

Dirtbag of the century on the cover of Golf Digest.

century cover dirtbag golf

↓

Whoo.

whoo

↓

Well, looky there.

↓

I have been trying so hard to get Lance on the cover of this magazine,

cover hard lance magazine

↓

and this shithole walks out of a dump,

dump shithole walks

↓

and there he is, taking up space.

space

↓

Well, Lance was in the magazine last month.

lance magazine month

↓

Ten best players to watch? That doesn't mean shit.

best players watch

↓

Is this about Teed Off?

↓

No, this is about the mental health of my son.

health mental mental-health

↓

You sure about that?

↓

- What are you getting at, Radford? - Jessalynn Siwa.

radford

↓

- What? - JoJo's mom.

↓

Who?

↓

JoJo Siwa, the adorable little muffin on Dance Moms.

adorable dance jojo moms muffin

↓

I don't even know what that is.

↓

♪ I don't really care about what they say I'mma come back like a boomerang ♪

care imma

↓

- The hell's that? - You have to listen to that.

hells

↓

- That is like the greatest song ever. - Never heard it.

greatest heard song

↓

Never mind, listen.

mind

↓

I'm not saying… this is you, dear.

dear

↓

But some people… and not everyone…

↓

but some people thought that Jessalynn Siwa, JoJo Siwa's mom,

jojo

↓

pushed her daughter, and used her fame to enrich her own self.

daughter fame pushed self used

↓

- Excuse me? - Not saying she was you.

excuse

↓

- Sounds like it. - Well… no.

sounds

↓

It only sounds like it 'cause you're hearing that.

hearing sounds

↓

Now, listen, it's a different situation.

situation

↓

Lance is grown and he can do whatever he wants.

grown lance wants

↓

That's right, he can.

↓

So it's very different.

↓

- And no one is like JoJo Siwa-- - Radford, let me-- Radford?

jojo radford

↓

Yes?

↓

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been a mother?

mother question

↓

- You know I don't have children. - Have you ever been a mother?

children mother

↓

No, I have not.

↓

Listen to me, I don't know this Jessalynn woman or her child JoJo, okay?

child jojo woman

↓

But maybe, as a mother, she knew something about her child

child mother

↓

that no one else in the world could know, okay? You with me?

world

↓

Maybe she knew that her daughter needed to be pushed.

daughter needed pushed

↓

Pushed by someone who cared. And if she wasn't pushing,

cared pushed pushing

↓

that child would crack up faster than plates at a Greek… wedding.

child crack faster greek plates wedding

↓

And you always use the Greek wedding analogy.

greek wedding

↓

And you know what? It works, and you're right.

works

↓

- Thank you. - You're always right.

↓

Well, listen, what's best for Lance is best for me.

best lance

↓

And right now, I have someone pissing on my parade.

parade pissing

↓

I just think you should back off Natalie is all.

↓

- No, I'm talking about this asshole. - Okay.

asshole

↓

- Okay? - Just be careful, that's all.

careful

↓

Now I may not have been a father, but I was a son.

father

↓

And fathers and sons have been confounding mankind since Sophocles.

fathers mankind sons

↓

- Mmm… - You're walking a razor's edge there.

edge walking

↓

I've been walking on that edge my whole life.

edge life walking whole whole-life

↓

Well, thank you for not cutting my face off.

cutting face

↓

Hope you have a great day.

hope

↓

You have a great day as well.

↓

Oh, please. Please don't.

↓

Easy, son.

easy

↓

Easy.

easy

↓

I just want you to have this jar of pickles I made.

pickles

↓

Oh.

↓

You're all right in my book.

book

↓

All right, well… thank you.

↓

Hey.

↓

Play it as it lies, Lonnie Hawkins.

hawkins lies lonnie

↓

Play it as it lies.

lies

↓

Right.

↓

I ran this through the belt path. It looks like I need a 72.42.

belt path

↓

You know the make of the car?

↓

Do you have a 72.42?

↓

Ma'am, you can't just put any belt on a car.

belt maam

↓

You gotta know the make and the model of the vehicle.

model vehicle

↓

I'm sorry.

↓

I should have said from the get-go, my brother, who's a mechanic,

brother mechanic

↓

he would like a 72.42 Goodyear serpentine belt.

belt

↓

- You got it. - Okay, thank you.

↓

I know who you are.

↓

- Are you a cop? - Funny, cop.

funny

↓

No, you're Lonnie Hawkins' caddie.

hawkins lonnie

↓

Uh… yeah, I am.

↓

I'm in town, uh, for the tournament tomorrow.

tomorrow tournament town

↓

I can't wait to see the Hawk hit again. Unh!

hawk

↓

So cool. What a story, right?

cool story

↓

Oh yeah, he's gonna… he's gonna crush.

crush

↓

And, um, I'll be with him the whole way.

whole

↓

Hey, would it be rude, uh… could I just do a quick picture with you?

picture quick rude

↓

- With me? - Yeah.

↓

Um… uh…

↓

- Sure. - So great. Lonnie Hawkins' caddie.

hawkins lonnie

↓

On three, say "Hawk."

hawk three

↓

One, two, three.

three

↓

- Hawk! - Hawk!

hawk

↓

- Let's get another one. - All right.

another

↓

I'm gonna do a sexy face 'cause my friends will love it.

face friends love sexy

↓

- Hey! - Whoo!

whoo

↓

Three-time major winner, former world number one

former major number three winner world

↓

from Yuba City, California, Lonnie Hawkins, checking in.

california checking city hawkins lonnie

↓

I have your credentials here, Mr. Hawkins. Good to have you back.

hawkins

↓

- Well, thank you. Did you miss me? - Oh yeah.

miss

↓

I figured I'd show some of these hacks how to play golf, huh?

figured golf hacks

↓

Well, shit. I guess they'll let anybody into the PGA Tour nowadays, huh?

anybody nowadays tour

↓

I'm just busting balls.

balls busting

↓

Hey, had a great time at Lance's engagement party.

engagement party

↓

You, uh…

↓

You sure know how to make an entrance, huh?

entrance

↓

Well, I had to be there for Lance.

lance

↓

Family, that's all that matters in the end.

family matters

↓

Yeah, I'm always saying that.

↓

Family.

family

↓

Anyhow, I see you got your jar of pickles with you.

anyhow pickles

↓

You gonna make us all a Reuben sandwich?

sandwich

↓

- I like mine on rye bread, all right? - I'm not good at making sandwiches.

bread sandwiches

↓

- Right this way, Mr. Fisk. - Thanks, cutie. Here you go.

cutie thanks

↓

Come on, walk with me. You're not gonna carry that thing yourself, are you?

carry walk

↓

- No. - Huh.

↓

Don't tell me you brought that girl,

brought girl

↓

the one with the leather outfit and the old high tops up with you, huh?

leather outfit tops

↓

- Is that what you did? - Yeah.

↓

Where'd you get that thing? Oh yeah, Walmart, I think I read.

read walmart whered

↓

Hey, look at these little Goldens.

↓

Well, I guess if you can buy a gun and a waterbed at Walmart,

walmart

↓

they'll have caddies too, right?

↓

Was she, uh… was she at least on sale?

least sale

↓

Hey, joke's on you. Walmart doesn't need sales with such everyday low prices.

everyday jokes prices sales walmart

↓

Well, to each his own. To each his own.

↓

I hope you can stick around, Lonnie,

hope lonnie stick

↓

'cause the game up here, it's changed a lot.

changed game

↓

Looks like golf to me whenever I see it on TV.

golf

↓

No, shit, these kids, they're playing a whole new game.

game kids playing whole

↓

I mean, it's all cardio and kettlebells.

cardio

↓

It's not Ketel One and smoking heaters like the old days.

days heaters smoking

↓

Even I've had to adapt, and I'm nowhere near as old as you are.

adapt near

↓

Hey, did you hear they got you, me, and Lance in the same pairing tomorrow?

lance tomorrow

↓

Did you hear that? TV sets are gonna blow up.

blow sets

↓

I did! Yeah, I did.

↓

Right, so get ready.

ready

↓

- "Get ready"? - Get ready.

ready

↓

No, I heard you. "Get ready," that's it?

heard ready

↓

- Did I stutter? - Yeah, you've been stuttering.

stutter stuttering

↓

You sound like a broken Rain Bird sprinkler. You're like…

bird broken rain sound

↓

No, that would be…

↓

Da-da-da-da-da. Tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-tha.

↓

Da-da-da-da. Tha-tha-tha-tha-tha.

↓

I like it. You still got it. Whoa…

whoa

↓

I don't know where you been, but you ain't missed any meals.

aint meals missed

↓

- Huh? All right, see you tomorrow. - Back off.

tomorrow

↓

Be cool.

cool

↓

Hey, how y'all doing?

yall

↓

I wanna get a round for everybody at the bar on Golden Fisk,

everybody golden round

↓

2010 US Open champion.

champion open

↓

- Good luck! - Thank you.

luck

↓

Go, Hawk!

hawk

↓

Just these guys, bro.

↓

All right.

↓

Get in. I'll give you a ride.

ride

↓

I'd rather walk.

walk

↓

Get in, Sam.

↓

I got a good thing going here, all right?

↓

I'm respected, I'm making money.

money respected

↓

That golfer guy, he's on a run.

golfer

↓

Do you know what a run is?

↓

I do not, but I like him, all right? He's not a pervert.

pervert

↓

- I was gonna kill him. - What?

kill

↓

I thought he might be shacking up with you.

might

↓

Dad!

↓

- I am a lesbian! - Well, I don't know!

lesbian

↓

The kids today, they change their sex back and forth, back and forth,

change forth kids today

↓

fucking whoever they want.

fucking

↓

Well, I'm telling you, this guy and I, we connect.

connect telling

↓

We have fun.

fun

↓

I could get a new life,

life

↓

one that I'm proud of.

proud

↓

But this Vegas thing…

vegas

↓

- Oh God. - No, just hear me out now.

↓

Look, it's big. Some high-stakes, secret-ass poker game.

game poker secret stakes

↓

- The money's just sitting there. - Dad, I can't, all right?

moneys sitting

↓

It's not in me.

↓

Okay, champ.

champ

↓

But you owe me still.

↓

I know, and I will honor the code.

code honor

↓

Are we good?

↓

Yeah, we're good.

↓

- Good. All right. - Listen to this, though.

↓

Come on.

↓

- Yeah. - Come on!

↓

It sounds stolen.

sounds stolen

↓

Jerry, I need two hours on the table today,

hours jerry table today

↓

and I'm supposed to be front-loading protein.

front loading protein supposed

↓

You gotta listen to my body here, Jerry.

body jerry

↓

I'm on it, buddy. I'm just pulling up to the clubhouse now.

buddy clubhouse pulling

↓

You at the range?

range

↓

No, I'm… fucking stuck in line at Starbucks.

fucking line starbucks stuck

↓

I said grande!

grande

↓

Classic.

classic

↓

Hey, I need a quick loaner.

loaner quick

↓

I'd pull it out of my own account, but I think Nat's got my passwords.

account pull

↓

Yeah, I got you, bro. How much?

↓

I don't know. Just like a quick 50.

quick

↓

50K.

↓

I'll get you back on Sunday. I'll get us a top ten finish for sure.

finish sunday

↓

Probably better.

↓

Yes, buddy, of course.

buddy course

↓

- I got you, no problem. - Okay, cool, cool.

cool problem

↓

I'll meet you at the gym.

meet

↓

- Hey. - Hey.

↓

What's up?

↓

I'm sorry about earlier. Just didn't mean to come at you like that.

↓

I'm really sorry.

↓

- Uh… - Erased from my mind.

erased mind

↓

Um, you still at the… at the hotel?

hotel

↓

Yep, I'm just sitting by the pool.

pool sitting

↓

You on the course?

course

↓

Yeah. Uh-huh. At the range.

range

↓

Just, just… hitting balls.

balls hitting

↓

Uh, look, Jerry just got here. We're gonna get a quick workout in.

jerry quick workout

↓

- Let me call you later. - Okay. Well, I love you, babe.

babe love

↓

Yeah, me too.

↓

- Who was that? - Uh…

↓

My mom.

↓

She's always calling me.

calling

↓

So are we spanking or tickling today?

spanking tickling today

↓

Shit, girl.

girl

↓

Surprise me. Heh.

surprise

↓

- Excited to play with Lance tomorrow? - Oh yeah, yeah, Lance is ripping it.

excited lance ripping tomorrow

↓

Yep, hope I can keep up with him.

hope

↓

Yeah, I haven't been playing too bad myself.

playing

↓

Oh, look at Arnie!

↓

I guess they forgot to tell you that if you mess with the Cougar,

cougar forgot mess

↓

the Cougar may bite.

bite cougar

↓

I thought you were the Hawk.

hawk

↓

Hawk, Cougar, you just don't know. I don't even know.

cougar hawk

↓

Sometimes I swoop out of the air, sometimes I jump out of the bushes.

bushes jump sometimes swoop

↓

- Either way, I go right for your neck. - Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure.

gentlemen neck pleasure

↓

- What's going on? - My wife just went into labor.

labor wife

↓

- I gotta go. - Why, Tony? She's not playing.

playing tony

↓

I gotta be there for my wife.

wife

↓

This makes no sense. Lance was born during the Masters.

born lance makes masters sense

↓

- No way I was walking away from that. - Lonnie, come on, man.

lonnie walking

↓

Honestly, this might even be my season.

might season

↓

- I better let Gustavo know. - Wait, hold up. Wha…

↓

Is your… Your caddie's Gustavo Meyer?

↓

That's right, since 2017.

↓

Old Henry used to say he's the best caddie on Tour today.

best henry today tour used

↓

You better believe it. We'll see you later.

believe

↓

- Lonnie Hawkins? - That's me.

hawkins lonnie

↓

You received this box at the clubhouse. You want me to keep it here somewhere?

clubhouse received

↓

No, I'll take a look at what this… Oh, hey, guys. Look at this.

↓

Sponsorship money's starting to roll in.

moneys roll starting

↓

You're looking at the new spokesman for Swinglite Golf Apparel.

apparel golf looking spokesman

↓

Isn't that a women's brand?

brand womens

↓

I don't think so, no.

↓

I did my own deal. Why have an agent when you can do all the work yourself?

agent deal

↓

I think I've seen that on the ladies' tour.

ladies seen tour

↓

They must be expanding, because the last time I checked my pants,

checked expanding must pants

↓

I'm still a man.

↓

Yeah. Hey, Liam, can you show me where the caddies hang out?

hang liam

↓

Yeah, right over here.

↓

♪ Yeah, hey ♪

↓

♪ Hey, once I was a boogie singer ♪

boogie singer

↓

What's up, man?

↓

He has a collection of essays which I would invite you to read…

collection essays invite read

↓

- Are you gonna go say hello to him? - Why? I'm playing with him tomorrow.

playing tomorrow

↓

Well, people do expect it.

expect

↓

Well, we just think it's best to keep our distance.

best distance

↓

I see. You decided that together?

decided

↓

I found myself tearing through the historical stuff, because,

found historical stuff tearing

↓

well, culturally, it's important…

↓

When I heard they made you a member of the board, I couldn't believe it.

believe board heard member

↓

- Anton Floyd, PGA Tour board member? - Mmm!

board board-member member tour

↓

- Bet you never thought you'd see me again. - Mmm. But here you are.

↓

Here I am.

↓

How are you doing, Olivia?

olivia

↓

Just wonderful, Lonnie. It's great to see you again.

lonnie

↓

Great to see you too. I missed you.

missed

↓

How long you think you'll be up here?

↓

Well… you know, tough to say. I mean, I'm chasing that Grand Slam,

chasing grand slam tough

↓

so… it could be years.

years

↓

Well… I'd bet against that, Lonnie.

lonnie

↓

I bet you'll choke…

choke

↓

- Oh! - Like you been doing since the US Open.

open

↓

…and bounce right back down where you belong, with your people.

belong bounce

↓

Who are you talking about, Anton? Poor people? People of color?

color poor

↓

Okay, Lonnie.

lonnie

↓

But tomorrow, we'll see how the Hawk holds up.

hawk holds tomorrow

↓

I'm gonna make myself to the other side of the bar.

side

↓

- I can hear the music better from there. - Okay.

music

↓

Olivia, we should, uh, think about having a drink sometime.

drink having olivia sometime

↓

Yeah.

↓

Just a… itty-bitty little cocktail.

bitty cocktail

↓

You want a sip of something?

↓

- This big. - Tiny?

tiny

↓

Cheers.

cheers

↓

- Cheers. - Cheers.

cheers

↓

Oh, damn it.

↓

It's called The City and the Pillar.

called city

↓

It's interesting because it's very different from Gore Vidal's later work.

gore interesting

↓

- Are you familiar with his later work? - Were you talking to us?

familiar

↓

- I was. Yeah. - Oh.

↓

- Yeah. - What's his Instagram?

instagram

↓

He's not on Instagram. He's perished.

instagram

↓

You're bleeding. Here, let me.

bleeding

↓

Leave it alone. It's fine.

alone

↓

There you are. I've been meaning to talk to you.

meaning

↓

Stacy Hawkins, what a delight.

delight hawkins stacy

↓

I have a little bone to pick with you.

bone pick

↓

You never got back to me about my Teed Off beverage.

beverage

↓

We already have an official beverage.

beverage official

↓

Heck, Lonnie's such a hot shot now, why don't you get him to help you?

heck shot

↓

Oh, please, that fucking asshole.

asshole fucking fucking-asshole

↓

I think I hate him more than almost anyone.

hate

↓

- I thought you were married. - Oh no.

married

↓

We've been estranged for almost 12 years.

years

↓

If he died tomorrow, I think I'd shit on his grave.

died grave tomorrow

↓

- I did not know that. - Yeah.

↓

His son hates him almost as much as I do.

hates

↓

There is nothing that asshole would like more

asshole

↓

than to see me fail with my business.

business fail

↓

As a matter of fact, I think it would really hurt Lonnie

fact hurt lonnie matter

↓

if my business did well.

business

↓

- Really? - Oh yes.

↓

But, um, if you're already sponsoring another alcoholic beverage, then…

alcoholic another beverage

↓

Wait, now, hold up. Hold up.

↓

We have something called a vendor match program.

called match program

↓

It was created to look like we cared about diversity and all that gay shit,

cared created diversity

↓

but we do open up some space for women every now and then.

open space women

↓

I'm thinking a spot near the ninth green would be great

green near ninth spot thinking

↓

because then all the golfers would pass right by it.

pass

↓

- Just like that? No paperwork? - You're talking to the paperwork.

paperwork

↓

I'd shake your hand, but I have blood on my hands. So…

blood hand hands shake

↓

Right.

↓

There we go, hope that's good.

hope

↓

Thank you. You know, we've been members here for 40 years.

members years

↓

- Forty years. - Wow.

forty years

↓

We stopped coming to tournaments, but when we heard you were playing again,

coming heard playing stopped

↓

we weren't gonna miss that.

miss

↓

He's just been talking about this all day.

↓

Well, I can tell. Yeah.

↓

- Oh, excuse me. - Hey.

excuse

↓

- Hey. - I'm sorry, sir.

↓

- You're not allowed in here. - No, no, no. She's with me.

allowed

↓

She? It's… It's a "her"?

↓

I beg your pardon, ma'am.

maam pardon

↓

That's right, you better respect these titties, not man boobs.

boobs respect titties

↓

Hey. What the… Where you been? I've been looking for you all day.

looking

↓

The belt took longer to get back on than I thought, but I got it,

belt longer

↓

and the bus is outside.

↓

- Here you go. - Oh!

↓

- Yeah. - Right?

↓

- Shit, I'm thirsty. - Yeah, okay.

thirsty

↓

God, I could drink a swimming pool right about now.

drink pool swimming swimming-pool

↓

Hey, excuse me, could I get a double vodka with a twist?

double excuse twist vodka

↓

Listen, have I got news for you.

news

↓

Well, you go ahead, and then after that, I gotta tell you something.

ahead go-ahead

↓

People have been asking me for selfies all day.

asking

↓

Listen to this. You know Tony Finau? He's one of the top guys on the Tour.

tony tour

↓

- So his wife just had a baby, right? - Mmm.

baby wife

↓

- And because of that, he had to drop out. - Whoa… Sure. Yeah.

drop whoa

↓

Because of that, his caddie, Gustavo Meyer,

↓

one of the top guys, became available.

available became

↓

- Can you believe it? - Oh, that's cool.

believe cool

↓

Yeah, I know.

↓

So I now have one of the top caddies in the world. How cool is that?

cool world

↓

Well… well, what about me?

↓

Well, you're still my driver.

driver

↓

Yeah. No, it's… I mean, it's a good thing.

↓

Yeah. I mean, I… I can't pay you the big bucks,

bucks

↓

but I can pay you more, you know, 'cause now I'm back up.

↓

So I'm not your caddie anymore?

anymore

↓

You don't have to be. I've got Gustavo Meyer.

↓

Yeah.

↓

Oh, wait, before I forget. Take my watch.

forget watch

↓

Put it on the bus 'cause I'm probably not gonna see you tomorrow.

tomorrow

↓

I hate playing with this thing on. And tomorrow, take the tour bus,

hate playing tomorrow tour

↓

and let's just load up with all the regular stuff,

load regular regular-stuff stuff

↓

you know, wine… uh, milk, dry goods, Cheez-Its, that sort of thing.

goods milk wine

↓

Sure. Okay.

↓

You know what? I'm actually not feeling good, so, um…

feeling

↓

Yeah. Uh…

↓

- I think I'm gonna hit it. - But what about the selfies?

↓

- I thought you had something to tell me. - Nah, it's nothing. I'll catch you later.

catch

↓

Bartender.

bartender

↓

Nice glass of white wine down here.

glass white white-wine wine

↓

- Keys in the car? - Yes, thank you.

keys

↓

All right, enjoy your night, sir.

enjoy night

↓

Introducing the 1:15 tee time group.

group introducing

↓

Good luck, fellas.

fellas luck

↓

- You know that's a woman's shirt? - No, it's not.

shirt womans

↓

- Yes, it is. - No, it's not.

↓

- Yes, it is. - No, it isn't.

↓

It's got darts.

↓

What are darts?

↓

Hawk! Hawk! Hawk! Hawk!

hawk

↓

♪ I'm in love ♪

love

↓

♪ With the sweet, sweet, sweet sunshine ♪

sunshine sweet

↓

♪ Ain't no fool ♪

aint fool

↓

♪ And it's time for me To take what's mine ♪

↓

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh ♪

↓

♪ It's time ♪

↓

♪ It's mine ♪

↓

♪ All mine, yeah ♪

↓

♪ Step aside ♪

aside step step-aside

↓

♪ Step aside ♪

aside step step-aside

↓

♪ All my friends went to college ♪

college friends

↓

♪ Then got jobs and kids and wives ♪

jobs kids wives

↓

♪ But I found peace in this guitar ♪

found guitar peace

↓

♪ Gonna play it till I die ♪

till

↓

♪ Still in love ♪

love

↓

♪ With that sweet, sweet, sweet sunshine ♪

sunshine sweet

↓

♪ Ain't no fool ♪

aint fool

↓

♪ And it's time for me To take what's mine ♪

↓

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

↓

♪ It's time ♪

↓

♪ It's mine ♪

↓

♪ All mine ♪

↓

♪ It's time ♪

↓

♪ It's mine ♪

↓

♪ Step aside ♪

aside step step-aside