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Home » Silicon Valley » S06E06 — RussFest

Silicon Valley

Season 6, Episode 6 — RussFest

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: RussFest

Air date: December 01, 2019

Director: Matt Ross

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew, Matt Ross

A major event puts PiperNet's capabilities to the test. Monica confronts Jian-Yang over his use of Pied Piper's name.

Source: TMDB

↓

I am about to sit down with AT&T,

↓

trying to close this massive deal,

close deal massive

↓

but that all depends on getting Hawaii right.

depends hawaii

↓

And you would rather do Hawaii than RussFest?

hawaii

↓

I would rather... do my own mother...

mother

↓

than RussFest.

↓

I've made myself the CEO of YaoNet,

↓

which I'm moving back to the US.

moving

↓

Son of Anton, it's the name I've given our new inference API.

given name

↓

He can do whatever he wants.

wants

↓

I call for the attorney general of the state of California

attorney california general state

↓

to launch an immediate investigation

immediate investigation launch

↓

of my conduct as CEO of Hooli.

conduct

↓

Enjoy the injunction, thumb ass.

enjoy thumb

↓

Don Delarenta, the AG of California, is gonna do

california

↓

- what I tell him to do. - Why?

↓

'Cause I have dirt on him.

dirt

↓

You ready to dump Hawaii and join RussFest?

dump hawaii join ready

↓

It's beautiful.

↓

Boom!

boom

↓

And upon entering RussFest,

entering

↓

each attendee will be given

given

↓

a PiperNet enabled smartphone,

↓

which will give them access to secure messaging,

access messaging secure

↓

social, voice, Internet...

internet social voice

↓

So boring, right?

boring

↓

You see the new logo? Huh?

↓

Huh? Check.

check

↓

One, two, three.

three

↓

Tres Comas Tequila.

tequila

↓

My brand. Dollar sign.

brand dollar sign

↓

Billionaire.

billionaire

↓

Russ. Fest!

fest

↓

RussFest.

↓

Right.

↓

No, yeah, it's-it's gonna be good.

↓

- Uh... - Yeah, it's gonna be great.

↓

Yeah. Well, uh, anyway, uh...

↓

Crazy Town's gonna be there.

crazy towns

↓

So is Puddle of Mudd. You know Puddle of Mudd?

puddle

↓

No.

↓

Fucking Puddle of Mudd! Dude, listen.

fucking puddle

↓

* Everything is so blurry *

↓

* And everyone's so fake *

everyones fake

↓

* And everyone is empty *

empty

↓

* And everything is so messed up *

messed

↓

Right? Yeah, you know Puddle of Mudd. Awesome.

awesome puddle

↓

This is a good meeting, guys, excellent.

excellent meeting

↓

I gotta jet. Bye, guys. Cory, where you at, dawg?

dawg

↓

We're really excited about the possibility of working with you.

excited possibility working

↓

Cool.

cool

↓

Yeah. So, uh, what do you, uh...

↓

What do you think, Michael? Uh, you and us.

michael

↓

AT&T, Pied Piper. Dealy deal.

deal piper

↓

Richard, your tech is impressive,

impressive richard tech

↓

but we're going with YaoNet, they're a safe bet.

safe

↓

And by the way, it doesn't seem like

↓

you're telling your people out there what's really happening.

telling

↓

- Hang on... - No. Maybe you can do

hang

↓

a deal with someone else. You know, there's, uh...

deal

↓

- No, no, we can't, Michael. - Look,

michael

↓

we already have an agreement in principle.

agreement principle

↓

Okay, well, if you have an agreement in principle,

agreement principle

↓

you can have a disagreement in principle.

principle

↓

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

↓

Michael, I'm sorry that you're missing out on this opportunity.

michael missing opportunity

↓

Honestly, I walk everyone to their car. Yeah.

walk

↓

What can we do to sweeten the pot?

↓

You know? Oh, we could add cashless transactions.

↓

What if everything is handled on the phone?

handled phone

↓

Right? You use it to swipe into parties

parties

↓

- or VIP areas... - Richard,

areas richard

↓

this is done.

↓

- Okay? - What about holograms?

↓

Okay, this is your last chance. Are you in or out?

chance

↓

- Fuck! - That appears to imply out.

appears fuck

↓

Fuck. Fuck it. Fucker.

fuck fucker

↓

- Cockfucker. - Richard, people in there

richard

↓

have been working themselves half to death for weeks

death half weeks working

↓

for no pay.

↓

This is not going to go over well.

↓

I'm gonna wait out here while you go in and tell them.

↓

I'm not gonna say anything.

↓

If I keep my mouth shut,

mouth

↓

then there's still a chance at snaking the YaoNet deal.

chance deal

↓

But if I tell everyone in there what's really going on,

↓

we won't make it to RussFest, and we'll be dead.

dead

↓

- Is that what you want? - That's a fair point.

fair point

↓

That's what I thought. Okay.

↓

Let's get back to work. Let's go.

↓

If this comes out, I'll cover your ass if you cover mine.

comes cover

↓

If what comes out?

comes

↓

- My man. - No.

↓

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - ... www.addic7ed.com ...

corrected synced

↓

Oh!

↓

Dodgy gadin, my merry knights of Piper.

knights merry piper

↓

Sir Owen,

owen

↓

doing valiant battle with the authentication service.

battle service valiant

↓

Yes, good. Yeah.

↓

Oh, and prithee, Becky,

becky

↓

my queen,

queen

↓

how goeth cashless payments?

payments

↓

Russ's pricing keeps tripping us up.

keeps tripping

↓

- Okay, how so? - Well,

↓

this morning, he decided everyone at RussFest

decided morning

↓

should be a billionaire,

billionaire

↓

so every dollar someone puts into their account

account dollar

↓

will now be worth one billion RussBucks.

billion worth

↓

Zwoons!

↓

So, what, like a sandwich will be worth

sandwich worth

↓

15 billion RussBucks or something?

billion

↓

Fourteen billion, nine hundred and ninety-nine million,

billion fourteen hundred million nine ninety

↓

nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand,

hundred nine ninety thousand

↓

nine hundred and ninety-nine RussBucks

hundred nine ninety

↓

and ninety-nine RussCents,

nine ninety

↓

because he thought that would sound cheaper.

cheaper sound

↓

It's kind of screwing up the interface,

screwing

↓

but the whole AT&T deal is riding on this, right?

deal riding whole

↓

We'll get there.

↓

Good. Okay. Excellent.

excellent

↓

Well, uh, code like the wind, my lady. Yeah.

code lady wind

↓

Ho, ho! Good Friar Gabriel.

↓

How dost thou fair with the ticketing module?

fair thou

↓

It's gone.

gone

↓

What do you mean gone?

gone

↓

For some reason, Gilfoyle deleted the whole thing

deleted reason whole

↓

- a few minutes ago. - What?

minutes

↓

Yeah.

↓

- Gilfoyle? - Yes, Richard. I'm aware.

aware richard

↓

The drone dispatching code has been deleted,

code deleted

↓

and I'm working very hard to restore the right version.

hard restore version working

↓

Whoa, whoa. Drone code?

code whoa

↓

Gabe just told me that the ticketing module got deleted.

deleted gabe

↓

Ticketing, too?

↓

Fuck, that's problematic. I'll get on that next.

fuck

↓

What the fuck is going on?

fuck

↓

Based on the amount of work left to do

amount based left

↓

and the number of hours left before the festival,

festival hours left number

↓

I decided to task Son of Anton

decided task

↓

to use machine learning to debug some of our code.

code learning machine

↓

What? Gilfoyle, are you fucking kidding me?

fucking fucking-kidding kidding

↓

You gave your AI permission

permission

↓

to overwrite code in the internal file system?

code file internal system

↓

- Were you gonna tell me about this? - No.

↓

I thought that was the company policy

company policy

↓

- these days. - Okay, well,

days

↓

your AI just failed, epically.

failed

↓

That's unclear.

unclear

↓

It's possible that Son of Anton decided that

decided possible

↓

the most efficient way to get rid of all the bugs

bugs efficient

↓

was to get rid of all the software,

software

↓

which is technically and statistically correct.

correct statistically technically

↓

But artificial neural nets are sort of a black box,

artificial black

↓

- so we'll never know for sure. - Hey, Richard.

richard

↓

Did you order meat? Like a bunch of meat?

bunch meat order

↓

Like 4,000 pounds of meat?

meat pounds

↓

Interesting.

interesting

↓

I put Son of Anton on finding us cheap hamburgers for lunch.

cheap finding hamburgers lunch

↓

It looks like the reward function was a little under-specified.

function reward

↓

Okay, from now on, Son of Anton is banned.

banned

↓

Just write code like a normal human fucking being, please.

code fucking human normal write

↓

Hey, Gilfoyle.

↓

So, I've been thinking about your AI,

thinking

↓

and its many deficits.

↓

I think Son of Anton's issue

issue

↓

might be how it's handling reward uncertainty.

handling might reward

↓

Your issue may be insecurity,

insecurity issue

↓

masked by false bravado and unisex cologne.

cologne false masked

↓

Fuck off. It's not unisex.

fuck

↓

Hey, um, Richard?

richard

↓

I was curious if you had a moment to clear the air.

clear curious moment

↓

Is this about Holden?

↓

No. Holden's a bitch and he quit.

bitch quit

↓

No, I-I wanted to talk to you

wanted

↓

about the Gwart-shaped tension between us.

shaped tension

↓

You know, she and I worked very closely together,

closely worked

↓

and now she's working for YaoNet.

working

↓

She's, essentially, the enemy,

enemy essentially

↓

so it would be fair for you to have concerns.

concerns fair

↓

I have no concerns.

concerns

↓

Okay, good.

↓

Because I don't think about her, you know,

↓

or if she's hungry or cold right now,

cold hungry

↓

or if she's still giving most of her income to Rand Paul.

giving income paul

↓

Richard!

richard

↓

Check it! Okay.

check

↓

Hologram question.

question

↓

You told AT&T that the hologram would be interactive, right?

↓

- Yes. - See, asshole?

asshole

↓

My hologram can 100%

↓

dry hump festival-goers from behind.

behind festival hump

↓

If they ask for it. Hashtag woke.

hashtag woke

↓

All right. Let's go!

↓

Spidey jump.

jump

↓

Ticketing's running smoothly.

running

↓

Mobile purchasing seems stable.

mobile purchasing seems stable

↓

That's good.

↓

- Russ. Hey. - I fucked up, Richard.

fucked richard

↓

Why did I make one dollar worth a billion RussBucks?

billion dollar worth

↓

I mean, everyone wants to be a billionaire,

billionaire wants

↓

but they didn't earn it, so are they gonna feel bad

earn

↓

about themselves? Why would I do that?

↓

I guess because I'm an asshole and I wanna have a bad festival!

asshole festival

↓

No, no, Russ.

↓

Don't worry about it. Everything is amazing.

amazing worry

↓

- Yeah? - Yeah, I tell you what.

↓

Why don't we see the hologram?

↓

- The hologram's ready? - It's up.

ready

↓

- Yeah, let's go see the hologram. - Okay, come on.

↓

- This way. - Fuck yeah! Fucking hologram!

fuck fucking

↓

- See? There he is. - Okay.

↓

Yeah, that's pretty sweet.

sweet

↓

Fist bump!

bump fist

↓

Dry hump!

hump

↓

Double guns!

double guns

↓

Wait, what's it doing?

↓

Richard, what the fuck?

fuck richard

↓

Well, uh, uh...

↓

Once more people show up,

↓

the network effect will take over,

effect network

↓

and it will stabilize, I promise.

promise

↓

Do you swear? Because one time, I threw a party

party swear threw

↓

and David Copperfield said it was beat.

beat david

↓

Promise me that this will not be beat.

beat promise

↓

It won't be beat.

beat

↓

- Okay. Okay. - Yeah.

↓

I know, I know. Why did I wear these pants?

pants wear

↓

Part denim, part leather.

denim leather part

↓

Pick a lane, Russ.

lane pick

↓

Fuck. Fuck.

fuck

↓

Fuck, I'm gonna change my pants!

change fuck pants

↓

Jared, what are you doing? Come on!

jared

↓

Hey, what the fuck is going on?

fuck

↓

Russ's hologram is glitching like crazy.

crazy

↓

We don't know. Everything's lagging:

everythings

↓

our apps, third party apps, transactions.

apps party third

↓

Everything was fine and then the network

network

↓

started deteriorating.

started

↓

We should be way closer to 100% capacity by now.

capacity closer

↓

I'm running diagnostics, but I haven't found anything.

found running

↓

Also, this trailer is filled with ants.

ants filled trailer

↓

Fucking Gabe.

fucking gabe

↓

I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't know anything

maam

↓

about a Pied Piper girls' coding camp.

camp coding girls piper

↓

Oh, ask Priyanka. That sounds like her bag of bullshit.

bullshit sounds

↓

I did, it's not hers.

↓

I'm sorry. You said you spoke to an employee

employee spoke

↓

named Eric Bachman?

eric named

↓

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

↓

Hey. Give me that.

↓

Hi. Does your Eric Bachman

eric

↓

have a Chinese accent?

accent chinese

↓

Okay. I tweaked the microwave backhaul antennas.

microwave tweaked

↓

Did that make any difference to the...

difference

↓

Is there something you wanna tell us?

↓

I respect you all?

respect

↓

Hello. I am giving a press conference,

conference giving press press-conference

↓

and I am so happy to be in partnership with Ah-Tay-ee-Tay.

happy partnership

↓

You can surf our decentralized Internet

internet surf

↓

like Hawaiian surfers can surf the big waves.

hawaiian surf waves

↓

Whoa. Bombshell.

bombshell whoa

↓

Michael must've known they were going with YaoNet.

known michael mustve

↓

Did you know?

↓

You knew,

↓

and you added more features.

added features

↓

Ticketing, banking, the fucking hologram.

fucking

↓

You've had us on a death march for nothing.

death march

↓

What? Richard! No.

richard

↓

Aah!

↓

Gilfoyle, you're being awfully quiet.

awfully quiet

↓

- Did you know? - Now look, guys,

↓

these deals never really ever close.

close deals

↓

"AT&T and YaoNet close deal."

close deal

↓

That seems pretty closed to me.

closed seems

↓

My guys.

↓

How dare you do this to my guys?

dare

↓

Can we just please have this discussion later

discussion

↓

because right now, we need to figure out...

figure

↓

We? Who's we?

↓

- We're out. - Yeah.

↓

What? Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa

↓

My guys.

↓

Gabe...

gabe

↓

You can go.

↓

I'll contact you all later for your exit interviews,

contact exit interviews

↓

and I'm sorry about the ants.

ants

↓

Well, at least we all stuck together.

least stuck

↓

Okay. Look,

↓

all the systems are built.

built systems

↓

I mean, screw those guys for leaving. Their loss.

leaving loss screw

↓

We can still do this without them, right?

↓

No. Unless the three of us

three

↓

stay up 24 hours a day for three days in a row. Fuck.

days fuck hours three three-days

↓

Yeah, exactly! Okay. All we need to do

↓

is just find the bug that's stalling us and squash it,

squash stalling

↓

just like these fucking ants.

ants fucking

↓

No sleep for three days straight.

days sleep straight three three-days

↓

Sweet.

sweet

↓

- Is that Gwart? - Oh, no. It's a garbage can.

garbage

↓

No, that's Gwart.

↓

Well, she works for YaoNet,

works

↓

so what is she doing here?

↓

And why does she have access to the staff only area?

access area staff

↓

Gwart hates Puddle of Mudd. She's a Linkin Park girl.

girl hates park puddle

↓

_

↓

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

fucking fucking-kidding kidding

↓

Big Head! What the hell is going on here?

head

↓

- What do you mean? - Who let her in?

↓

I take one lousy shit...

lousy

↓

Jian-Yang, what is going on here?

yang

↓

All girls coding camp.

camp coding girls

↓

I support woman.

support woman

↓

Mr. Eric, I'm finished.

eric finished

↓

"This diet cream helped my husband lose weight.

cream diet helped husband lose lose-weight weight

↓

He was fat fuck. Now, he not.

fuck

↓

Fi star, the end."

star

↓

I wrote exactly like Mr. Eric told me to.

eric wrote

↓

It's very good, Sophie.

↓

Very good.

↓

You're using underage girls

girls underage using

↓

as slave labor for a fake Amazon review farm?

amazon fake farm labor review slave

↓

Yes.

↓

And-And you're using the Pied Piper name?

name piper using

↓

Yes.

↓

It's okay.

↓

I have money.

money

↓

Girls! Call your parents.

girls parents

↓

- God, that really is her. - What the fuck?

fuck

↓

It's sabotage.

sabotage

↓

Guys, nobody's eating the peyote. Will you eat the peyote,

eating nobodys

↓

and then that'll break the ice and they'll eat the peyote?

break thatll

↓

What?

↓

You hate the shorts?

hate shorts

↓

You hate the shorts.

hate shorts

↓

Fuck it.

fuck

↓

Just look at my fucking legs!

fucking legs

↓

Let's go. Go.

↓

I knew it! I knew it.

↓

Our network's not slowing down because we fucked up.

fucked networks slowing

↓

It's because YaoNet's here and they are attacking us.

attacking

↓

Is SlipSox even a real company?

company real

↓

Incorporated a week ago, no website.

incorporated website week

↓

It's a cover. It's YaoNet!

cover

↓

Laurie is somehow fucking

fucking laurie

↓

with our routing to slow down the network.

network slow

↓

But why would they bother attacking us?

attacking bother

↓

They have the AT&T deal all locked up.

deal locked

↓

Unless... they don't.

↓

If she thinks their Hawaii launch might fail,

fail hawaii launch might thinks

↓

that would be a reason to try to wipe us out

reason wipe

↓

while they have the chance.

chance

↓

So, if we can stay alive till YaoNet fucks up Hawaii,

alive fucks hawaii till

↓

we could swoop in.

swoop

↓

Like a basketball dunker.

basketball

↓

- We're still in this, boys. - All right.

boys

↓

So, let's boot those meddling bums off of the network.

boot bums network

↓

Enough of this crap!

↓

Yeah. Well, uh, that's impossible

impossible

↓

'cause the whole point of a decentralized network

network point whole whole-point

↓

is to prevent a single host from controlling access.

access controlling host prevent single

↓

So dictators can't ban dissidents.

↓

Right now, there's no way to kill them

kill

↓

or stop them throttling the network.

network

↓

This is why things are easier in China.

china easier

↓

China...

china

↓

Don't mess with Pied Piper again, you little fucker.

fucker mess piper

↓

Hello?

↓

Jian-Yang! Hey!

yang

↓

Hey, uh, what's going on, boss man?

boss

↓

It's, uh, Richard Hendricks, from Pied Piper.

piper richard

↓

How's it going, dude?

↓

Very bad.

↓

My underage girl slaves all left.

girl left slaves underage

↓

Oh, yeah, totally. Bummer.

bummer

↓

Well, you'll find them.

↓

Anyway, kind of a silly question, um...

question silly

↓

You know how you stole the Pied Piper source code?

code piper source stole

↓

- Yes. - Yeah, and then you rewrote it

↓

into what is now YaoNet?

↓

- Yes. - Right, um,

↓

did the Chinese government, by any chance,

chance chinese government

↓

require you to add a back door?

door require

↓

Yes, I have a SSH key in my house,

house

↓

- written down. - Cool! Wow! Uh...

cool written

↓

I don't suppose I could get that from you.

suppose

↓

Uh, it's just that Pied Piper's in kind of a jam.

↓

Yes. Pied Piper...

piper

↓

Your white witch just shut down my business.

business white witch

↓

Oh. Okay.

↓

So?

↓

Hey, Richard, what's up?

richard

↓

Fuck.

fuck

↓

Jian-Yang, please.

yang

↓

Monica,

↓

for the last five years, you have been horrible.

five five-years horrible years

↓

You never smile.

smile

↓

You never kiss me.

kiss

↓

I'll never give you anything you want.

↓

I hate you.

hate

↓

Jian-Yang, I need that key.

yang

↓

This key?

↓

Okay, let's... let's just be reasonable.

reasonable

↓

- Gimme it! - Shit!

↓

Come on! Fuck!

fuck

↓

- No! Stop! - Oh.

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

Yikes.

yikes

↓

You and I, we could've run this town,

couldve town

↓

but you blew it, mister.

blew mister

↓

A, four, six, capital G,

capital four

↓

two, nine, lowercase J, four, three...

four nine three

↓

Wait, wait, wait. Wha-what are you singing?

singing

↓

Is-Is that the key?

↓

Key? No. That's just the letters

letters

↓

and numbers that were on that little sheet of paper

numbers paper sheet

↓

that Jian-Yang swallowed.

swallowed yang

↓

Yeah, for some reason, stuff's really like sticking

reason sticking stuffs

↓

in my head these days.

days head

↓

Wait. Big Head, Richard needs those letters and numbers.

head letters needs numbers richard

↓

Can-can you sing it again?

sing

↓

Uh, sure. Yeah.

↓

A, four, six,

four

↓

capital G, two, nine, lowercase J...

capital nine

↓

Wait, do you wanna maybe call Richard first,

richard

↓

- and then I could sing it? - Holy shit! Yes! Thank you!

holy sing

↓

Capital M, capital R...

capital

↓

that's it?

↓

Okay!

↓

Yeah, we're in! It worked!

worked

↓

Thank you. Uh, thanks, guys. Thanks, Big Head.

head thanks

↓

All right, YaoNet, SlipSox,

↓

whoever the fuck you are, you think you can fuck with us?

fuck

↓

They hung up.

hung

↓

- Oh. - Yeah.

↓

- Wait, what the fuck is this? - This is YaoNet's server?

fuck server

↓

Fuck. It's a honeypot.

fuck honeypot

↓

What, is that a good thing?

↓

No. It's not. Run the "file" command.

command file

↓

It's basically a bullshit shell in case

bullshit case shell

↓

the Chinese government actually used the key.

chinese government used

↓

It's like a fake storefront.

fake

↓

Okay, so they have to be running SSH on a different port.

port running

↓

How do we find the real one?

real

↓

We could N-map it to check every single one,

check single

↓

but that would take forever.

forever

↓

Okay. Fuck. Well,

fuck

↓

somehow, we have to find the correct port number.

correct number port

↓

Wait, what time is it?

↓

One large artichoke,

↓

extra rare, cup of mayonnaise.

extra rare

↓

I see you still take your snack at 3:17.

snack

↓

I know that SlipSox is YaoNet,

↓

and that you've infiltrated Pied Piper,

infiltrated piper

↓

and I know that you're here, working with Laurie Bream.

laurie working

↓

No, let me finish.

finish

↓

We didn't end on the best of terms, but...

best terms

↓

when we were together, I feel like I really saw you,

↓

the real you.

real

↓

I saw you, Gwart! I know you!

↓

No, let me finish. I have to say this

finish

↓

or I'm never gonna get it out.

↓

Now, I wish I was asking you to go for a walk with me

asking walk wish

↓

or to watch Magic Mike XL for the umpteenth time,

magic mike watch

↓

but I'm asking you to give us access to YaoNet,

access asking

↓

and not just to save my company,

company save

↓

but to save my sanity.

sanity save

↓

Because if I was wrong about who you are,

↓

then I don't know who I am.

↓

So there you have it.

↓

I've said all I gotta say, and...

↓

it's up to you now.

↓

I see. So,

↓

Pied Piper's network capacity is degrading steadily.

capacity degrading network

↓

Hmm, wonderful.

↓

And their adaptive routing optimization techniques

techniques

↓

aren't helping them.

helping

↓

Hey, guys. Um, I'm so sorry...

↓

I don't know what you did, but it worked.

worked

↓

- What? - Someone just messaged us

↓

the correct port

correct port

↓

- to YaoNet's ad server. - Yeah!

server

↓

Really?

↓

Yep. Gilfoyle revoked all their access,

access

↓

and is removing their app from every client on PiperNet.

client removing

↓

In a couple of minutes, we'll be back up to speed.

couple minutes speed

↓

Plus, we cloned their repository,

plus

↓

so we'll just poke around

poke

↓

and see exactly what they're hiding!

hiding

↓

It's a big win for the Piper boys.

boys piper

↓

So, Gilfoyle,

↓

how much faster is our network now?

faster network

↓

Zero faster. It's slower,

faster slower zero

↓

- and still degrading. - What are you talking about?

degrading

↓

About how our network is slower and still degrading.

degrading network slower

↓

We're currently at 60%.

currently

↓

But that's not possible.

possible

↓

Our network's shit latency

networks

↓

is slowing down every single purchase.

purchase single slowing

↓

Look at the bathrooms.

bathrooms

↓

The scanner's aren't working.

working

↓

Fucking Russ and his pay toilets.

fucking toilets

↓

Okay, we gotta figure this out or there's gonna be a riot.

figure riot

↓

There you assholes are!

assholes

↓

You guys fucking with me? Did you get my messages?

fucking messages

↓

Uh...

↓

Messaging's stalling, too.

stalling

↓

I sent you guys photos of three different outfits.

outfits photos sent three

↓

Did you hate them all? Wha...

hate

↓

What's wrong?

↓

Uh, no. Definitely the second one.

second

↓

- I like the second one. - You really think

second

↓

a white guy can wear that and get away with it?

wear white

↓

- Definitely. - No.

↓

You know what? You're right.

↓

Fuck political correctness.

fuck political

↓

I'm looking at four guys that fuck!

four fuck looking

↓

Okay, let's rerun the diagnostics.

rerun

↓

Maybe we missed something.

missed

↓

Laurie!

laurie

↓

Laurie Bream! Well, well, well.

laurie

↓

- Fleeing the scene of the crime? - Crime?

crime scene

↓

You can't win. Your network is garbage.

garbage network

↓

And maybe, if you save us some time by telling us

save telling

↓

how you're slowing down our network,

network slowing

↓

I won't go to the police.

police

↓

Slowing down your network? That would be "un-tethical."

network slowing

↓

Why would I...

↓

Oh. Richard...

richard

↓

You do not know.

↓

Know what?

↓

As you correctly surmised,

correctly

↓

YaoNet doesn't work. It does not scale.

scale

↓

- Ha! - However, we did not come here

↓

to attack you, simply to observe you,

attack observe simply

↓

spy on you, if you wish,

wish

↓

in order to see how you got PiperNet to work,

order

↓

which, it turns out, you did not.

turns

↓

Uh, what?

↓

Your compression is inadequate in the face of bottlenecks

face

↓

that emerge between node-cluster edges.

edges

↓

Pied Piper does not scale.

piper scale

↓

It is as impracticable as YaoNet.

↓

Fuck.

fuck

↓

Ah, yes.

↓

That can't be right.

↓

And yet it is.

↓

I wish we had plagiarized more functional code,

code functional wish

↓

and yet it is this technology that AT&T has purchased,

purchased technology

↓

functional or no.

functional

↓

And with Maximo's sufficient funding,

funding

↓

we will certainly be able to weather the storm

able certainly storm weather

↓

until we reach launch, at which time

launch reach

↓

it seems likely that AT&T may deem our business a failure.

business failure likely seems

↓

However, at this point, I will have already made

point

↓

many multiples on my initial investment.

initial investment

↓

Ah, I cannot speak to your backup plan.

backup backup-plan cannot plan speak

↓

Hmm, yes.

↓

Good day, gentlemen.

gentlemen

↓

Well, she's just a hater, and, no disrespect,

disrespect

↓

- but she can eat shit. - Yeah,

↓

obviously.

obviously

↓

We have to be able to figure something out.

able figure

↓

You'll think of something, right?

↓

Richard?

richard

↓

Six fucking years!

fucking years

↓

Six years... we've wasted!

wasted years

↓

Building this worthless piece of shit!

building piece worthless

↓

Are fucking kidding me?!

fucking fucking-kidding kidding

↓

I'm fine. I just gotta go to the bathroom.

bathroom

↓

I don't think he thought of anything.

↓

Yeah!

↓

Go with option one, and I'm not gonna feel shitty about it.

option shitty

↓

Right?

↓

Fuck me.

fuck

↓

Hey, guys, Richard's been locked in there

locked

↓

for three hours.

hours three three-hours

↓

Should we kick down the door?

door kick

↓

No, let's honor him with some space.

honor space

↓

I'll wait for him to fall asleep, and then I'll...

asleep fall fall-asleep

↓

I'll lower myself down through the vent.

lower vent

↓

Would it be a dick move

dick

↓

to ask him for his keys and then we drive home?

drive drive-home home keys

↓

Well, he'd be abandoned here...

abandoned

↓

Holy shit.

holy

↓

That's fantastic.

fantastic

↓

What the... fuck?

fuck

↓

Hey, you guys?

↓

I did something.

↓

All right, so, I was, uh,

↓

fiddling around on Gilfoyle's laptop,

laptop

↓

and I was looking down,

looking

↓

and then I realized that the solution was

realized solution

↓

staring at me right in the face.

face staring

↓

Ants.

ants

↓

It occurred to me

occurred

↓

that our network is kind of like a series of paths,

network series

↓

much like the trails ants use in order to forage for food.

ants food order

↓

But then, I thought that we don't need better paths.

↓

We need better ants. You see?

ants

↓

- Fuck gradient descent. - What?

fuck

↓

I don't need to use Gilfoyle's AI in order to improve middle-out.

improve middle order

↓

I need to use middle-out to create a new AI.

create middle

↓

A symbolic AI. And now, it is teaching itself

teaching

↓

how to optimize.

↓

So, you fucked around with Son of Anton's brain,

brain fucked

↓

and then gave him access

access

↓

to our entire network infrastructure,

entire network

↓

- while it's still running? - Yes.

running

↓

Richard, that's like asking a robot to change your tire

asking change richard robot tire

↓

while you're driving on the freeway!

driving freeway

↓

Hold this.

↓

Gimme.

↓

See, go.

↓

This isn't my computer.

computer

↓

- It's not? - No.

↓

And what the fuck is Son of Anton version 2.0?

fuck version

↓

What?

↓

- Huh. - You were fucking around

fucking

↓

with Son of Anton's brain before him?

brain

↓

- Fuck. - I have good ideas.

fuck ideas

↓

Sweet mother of God.

mother sweet

↓

This is not my fault.

fault

↓

I barely touched Gilfoyle's AI.

barely touched

↓

What's it doing?

↓

I have no idea. I told you,

idea

↓

it's a fucking black box, Richard.

black fucking richard

↓

Do you think there's gonna be a riot?

riot

↓

Oh, I'm sure 20,000 coked-up douchebags

↓

will be very civil when they can't get food or water.

civil food water

↓

Holy shit, look at the hologram.

holy

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Whoa.

whoa

↓

Shit.

↓

- What did we do? - We?

↓

Is it dead?

dead

↓

- Am I going to jail? - Hey.

jail

↓

- I can train you. - Hey, fuckers.

fuckers train

↓

Popped a couple of Xanax and then choked it in the trailer.

choked couple popped trailer

↓

Feeling much better. Went with outfit number three,

feeling number number-three outfit three

↓

black jacquard.

black

↓

Why is it so dark?

dark

↓

Um, well...

↓

Lights!

lights

↓

Sweet! Voice command? That is fucking awesome.

awesome command fucking sweet voice

↓

You guys are smart.

smart

↓

Voice command!

command voice

↓

What just happened?

happened

↓

Did it work? What... What just happened?

happened

↓

Holy shit.

holy

↓

Wait, is that right?

↓

It's at... 145%?

↓

Now 160%. Okay, how is this possible?

possible

↓

Our network overhead must've massively shrunk.

mustve network

↓

It's insane.

insane

↓

Oh, my God. Okay...

↓

My middle-out,

middle

↓

Gilfoyle's AI, whatever the fuck

fuck

↓

Dinesh did to Gilfoyle's AI...

↓

I basically rewrote the entire thing.

entire

↓

You guys,

↓

it worked. It-It-It happened.

happened worked

↓

- We-we-we did it. We-we-we won. - It worked?

worked

↓

- Ah! We did it! - Yeah!

↓

- Ah! - You...

↓

are like the three musketeers of coding,

coding three

↓

except you are all d'Artagnan.

except

↓

- Wait, wait. - What?

↓

What the fuck is going on?

fuck

↓

He's growing!

growing

↓

It's beautiful.

↓

Eat a dick, David Copperfield!

david dick

↓

We hope you've enjoyed your flight

enjoyed flight hope

↓

from Maui to San Francisco this evening.

evening francisco

↓

Out of the right side of the aircraft,

side

↓

you can see the lights of Las Vegas.

lights vegas

↓

And out of the left side, you can see...

left side

↓

I don't know what that is.

↓

_

↓

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - ... www.addic7ed.com ...

corrected synced

↓

Pied Piper can help scientists cure cancer.

cancer cure piper scientists

↓

- And cancer is bad. - Cancer fucking sucks.

cancer fucking fucking-sucks sucks

↓

"Hey, I'd like some cancer, please." No.

cancer

↓

We built the single, greatest network ever in the world.

built greatest network single world

↓

I would like you to give me free shares of Pied Piper.

free piper shares

↓

You had plenty of opportunity to invest.

invest opportunity plenty

↓

Yeah, you could buy a Piper coin.

coin piper

↓

Monica, two men are talking of business.

business

↓

You can find your broom and fly away.

broom

↓

Gilfoyle is willing to destroy everything

destroy willing

↓

we've built just to prevent me from having money.

built having money prevent

↓

Your entire life has prepared you to publicly fail.

entire entire-life fail life prepared publicly

↓

You're just failing to see that right now.

failing

↓

Don't insult me, I can fail circles around you losers.

circles fail insult losers

↓

Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

↓

Someone tell me how to feel.

↓

Jared, bolt the doors.

bolt doors jared

↓

- What's in the bag? - Clif Bars and a gun.

bars