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Home » Silicon Valley » S06E05 — Tethics

Silicon Valley

Season 6, Episode 5 — Tethics

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: Tethics

Air date: November 24, 2019

Director: Pete Chatmon

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew, Matt Ross

Richard fumes at Gavin's new ethical stance. Dinesh's trip turns into a nightmare. Gilfoyle and Monica work on their peer review scores.

Source: TMDB

↓

Why isn't this book about tech?

book tech

↓

I didn't write about tech because tech destroys worlds.

tech worlds write

↓

And I, I wanted to create...

create wanted

↓

May I have a token for the restroom, please?

restroom token

↓

_

↓

So, you guys are planning to build

build planning

↓

your own external antennas to deploy for the Hawaii test?

hawaii test

↓

Why not just give away Hooli phones for the test?

phones test

↓

I don't wanna use Hooli shit any more than you guys,

↓

but this will get us to Hawaii.

hawaii

↓

MSNBC wanted to interview you about being

interview wanted

↓

an "anti-tech evangelist."

anti tech

↓

What did Publishers Weekly say about my book?

book weekly

↓

Publishers Weekly is a...

weekly

↓

terrible magazine, sir.

magazine

↓

Call Maddow.

↓

It's from Gwart.

↓

"I'm dissolving my company and taking a job elsewhere."

company elsewhere

↓

I'm free to return to work with Richard.

free return richard

↓

Your position's been filled.

filled positions

↓

No, it hasn't.

↓

_

↓

_

↓

_

↓

_

↓

_

↓

_

↓

Fuck yeah, right?

fuck

↓

You see the chick in the racism car?

chick racism

↓

I banged her in the famine truck.

banged truck

↓

I-I'm sorry. What is this?

↓

It's the trailer for my festival, RussFest.

festival trailer

↓

Three days of partying, sucking, and fucking on a plot of land

days fucking land partying plot sucking three three-days

↓

so far out even Nevada barely wants it.

barely wants

↓

I'll be serving Tres Commas exclusively.

serving

↓

It's gonna be like Burning Man, except I'll make a fuckton of money.

burning except money

↓

So, Earning Man?

earning

↓

I literally love you, you spooky fuck. So, we in?

fuck love spooky

↓

- In what? - RussFest.

↓

There's no internet in the middle of the desert, Richard.

desert internet middle richard

↓

Maybe that's why no one lives out there.

lives

↓

I don't know, I'm not an archaeologist.

↓

All I know is they're telling me it's gonna cost

cost telling

↓

a fucking fortune to get the infrastructure out there.

fortune fucking

↓

Unless you guys do it for free.

free

↓

- Why would we do it for free? - Because it's cool.

cool free

↓

- It's good for your brand. - Well, Russ,

brand

↓

we appreciate the interest...

appreciate interest

↓

I like where this is going.

↓

- But... - Fuck!

fuck

↓

Uh, right now, we are trying to launch

launch

↓

a huge pilot program in Hawaii.

hawaii huge pilot program

↓

Dinesh is actually heading out there

heading

↓

first thing tomorrow morning, and I am about to sit down

morning tomorrow tomorrow-morning

↓

with the network operations president of AT&T,

network operations president

↓

trying to close this massive deal,

close deal massive

↓

but that all depends on getting Hawaii right.

depends hawaii

↓

There's just no way we could do both.

↓

And you would rather do Hawaii than RussFest?

hawaii

↓

I would rather

↓

do my own mother than RussFest.

mother

↓

How come whenever you guys wanna do some shit,

↓

I'm always like, "fuck yeah!"

fuck

↓

But whenever I wanna do some cool shit,

cool

↓

you guys piss all over it! You know what? Gimme this.

piss

↓

Have fun shoving pineapples up each other's dick holes!

dick fun holes others pineapples shoving

↓

And pussy holes.

holes pussy

↓

You creepy fuck.

creepy fuck

↓

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - ... www.addic7ed.com ...

corrected synced

↓

What have I been telling you, Lawrence?

lawrence telling

↓

Impressive. Very impressive.

impressive

↓

Looking forward

forward looking looking-forward

↓

- to talking a lot more. - Yeah.

↓

Yeah, definitely.

↓

- Richard! - Whoo!

richard whoo

↓

- Sorry. Um, how did it go? - Cool.

cool

↓

Well, I wanna keep it on the down-low, but, uh...

↓

Fuck.

fuck

↓

Is that joy?

↓

It could not have gone better.

gone

↓

When they found out how much money they could save

found money save

↓

by using us to help simplify their 5G rollout,

using

↓

they practically shit themselves.

practically

↓

This could be bigger than we thought.

bigger

↓

Monica, we could be on 100 million phones.

million phones

↓

- Holy shit. - Yeah.

holy

↓

Okay. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

ahead

↓

- Yeah. - You know, focus on Hawaii,

focus hawaii

↓

- make sure we land the plane. - Yeah.

land plane

↓

It's weird. I actually don't know what to do

weird

↓

when things are going well. It is not natural.

natural

↓

- Yeah. - Okay.

↓

Ha, ha, ha!

↓

What's the newest killer app

killer newest

↓

coming out of Silicon Valley?

coming silicon silicon-valley valley

↓

Would you believe ethics?

believe ethics

↓

It's all thanks to our first guest,

guest thanks

↓

a former big-tech CEO

former tech

↓

turned responsible tech evangelist...

responsible tech turned

↓

You know what? Not even this turd

turd

↓

is gonna bring me down right now.

bring

↓

... caution and accountability. Thanks for being here.

caution thanks

↓

Well, I always find time for you, Gabby.

↓

Please. No one is buying your bullshit, Gavin.

bullshit buying

↓

My message invigorates me.

message

↓

For too long, these large tech companies

companies tech

↓

have harvested our data, they have violated our privacy,

data privacy violated

↓

they have tracked our every move.

tracked

↓

They is you, you hypocrite. You did that. He did that!

hypocrite

↓

Starting today, I will be asking

asking starting today

↓

prominent members of the tech community

community members prominent tech

↓

to sign their name onto this.

name sign

↓

A code of conduct, authored by me,

code conduct

↓

that pledges them to a universal ethos,

↓

which I created, that I call, "tech ethics,"

created ethics tech

↓

or, "tethics" for short.

short

↓

- Oof. - Tethics. Clever.

clever

↓

No. No, it isn't.

↓

Fuck that guy. Honestly, fuck that guy.

fuck

↓

Richard, I have your tea.

richard

↓

No one in town is ever gonna sign this hypocrite's

sign town

↓

- hypocritical garbage. - Well, I'm sold.

garbage sold

↓

Can I sign?

sign

↓

Well, you have to lead a corporation.

corporation lead

↓

Okay. And how about you at home?

home

↓

Are you tethical? Tweet us @GoodDayTheBay

tweet

↓

and let us know where you stand.

stand

↓

Sure, yes, I will. Get ready for some opinions.

opinions ready

↓

Holden?

↓

Why is the television on the news?

news television

↓

Jared, I don't need you telling me my job, okay?

jared telling

↓

Holden, um,

↓

I know things have been a bit antagonistic between us.

↓

We've been like, uh, Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.

kerrigan nancy nancy-kerrigan

↓

But, I've been thinking about it,

thinking

↓

and you work for Richard,

richard

↓

and I want what's best for him

best

↓

'cause I want him to be happy, so from now on...

happy

↓

you're my friend.

friend

↓

You're my best friend.

best best-friend friend

↓

Even if you make the occasional oopsie.

occasional

↓

Are you fucking with me?

fucking

↓

Why would I do that to my best friend?

best best-friend friend

↓

- Love you like a brother. - Uh...

brother love

↓

Absolutely not.

absolutely

↓

We haven't told you what we want yet.

↓

- Irrelevant. - Sit down.

irrelevant

↓

- Thank you. - I'd like to talk to you

↓

about your Piper-Pulse numbers.

numbers piper pulse

↓

I'd like that, Tracy,

tracy

↓

because I have no idea what the fuck that is.

fuck idea

↓

Of course you do. It's the system that Tracy created

course created system tracy

↓

for employees to give feedback on senior management.

employees feedback management senior

↓

The point is, I happen to know

happen point

↓

a lot of folks over at AT&T,

folks

↓

and I think it might help us

might

↓

if I back-channel some of the information I've gathered.

channel gathered information

↓

But before I do, I'd like to tell you how you're doing.

↓

I know how I'm doing.

↓

I'm fucking killing it.

fucking killing

↓

I'm building great shit out there.

building

↓

Yes. Your acumen scores are excellent.

excellent scores

↓

On a scale of one to 10, you're at a 9.9.

scale

↓

So, all 10's and...

↓

- Dinesh. - But, it's your interpersonal rating

rating

↓

I'd like to drill down on.

drill

↓

It's at 1.5.

↓

Your coworkers find you unapproachable,

↓

rude,

rude

↓

and capable of great hurt

capable hurt

↓

with an unsettling stare.

stare unsettling

↓

Okay.

↓

We want AT&T to see a thriving company.

company thriving

↓

If you really make a concerted effort

effort

↓

at outreach and team building,

building outreach team team-building

↓

- you could get your numbers up. - Tracy.

numbers tracy

↓

I appreciate you wanting to participate

appreciate participate wanting

↓

in the world of numbers.

numbers world

↓

I find it endearing.

↓

But yours are horseshit.

↓

They measure nothing. If I wanted to,

measure wanted

↓

I could have all 10's by the end of the week.

week

↓

Gilfoyle, metrics like Piper-Pulse

piper pulse

↓

are a widely accepted measure

accepted measure

↓

of how your peers feel about you.

peers

↓

Speaking of, Monica,

speaking

↓

your interpersonal is at a 2.

↓

- What? - Huh.

↓

No, that's just because Priyanka and her little...

↓

witch's nest over at Foxhole are bringing my numbers down.

bringing nest numbers

↓

No. Most of your lower scores

lower scores

↓

are coming from engineers, who are 84% male.

coming engineers male

↓

Maybe you should try some of that outreach.

outreach

↓

Whatever I do, I'm sure I could do it better than you.

↓

Two days.

days

↓

All 10's.

↓

Deal.

deal

↓

Aloha. Aloha to you.

↓

Aloha. Alo...

↓

- Oh, hey, Dinesh. - What the fuck.

fuck

↓

I like your beard.

beard

↓

Um, why are you here? Where's AJ?

↓

Oh, AJ can't come. You wanted him

wanted

↓

to become a certified scuba before the trip, right?

become certified scuba trip

↓

Yeah, so we could...

↓

fucking scuba, Gabe.

fucking gabe scuba

↓

Well, he finished all his check dives last night,

check finished night

↓

but you have to wait 24 hours before you fly,

hours

↓

so we decided to trade places.

decided places trade

↓

- For the day? - Uh, no.

↓

F-for-for all of it.

↓

- Why? - Because it...

↓

- it-it'd be easier? - No.

easier

↓

And what are you doing in first class?

class

↓

So, the pilot is from Pakistan.

pilot

↓

I said, "Hey, I know a guy from Pakistan. I work with him."

↓

And then he said, "Hey,

↓

why don't you come to the front

front

↓

and sit in the big chairs."

chairs

↓

B-but that's me. I'm the guy from Pakistan.

↓

I told him that, and then he... and then he put me here.

↓

Okay, but I, the guy from Pakistan...

↓

- Right. - ... am back in economy.

economy

↓

Sir? You're gonna need to take your seat.

seat

↓

And Captain Bashir wanted you to have

captain wanted

↓

these samosas his mother made.

mother

↓

Oh. No, thank you.

↓

_

↓

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

fucking fucking-kidding kidding

↓

Hey, Danny? Excuse me?

danny excuse

↓

- What are you wearing? - A shirt.

shirt wearing

↓

- Oh, my God. - I think a lot

↓

of what Gavin is saying makes sense.

makes makes-sense sense

↓

Yeah, of course it does. I've been saying it for years.

course years

↓

- So, you agree with him? - Well, no.

agree

↓

He is full of shit.

full

↓

But, you aren't, even though you're saying the same things?

↓

Yeah, because I mean it! And I said it first!

↓

That feels petty and personal,

feels personal petty

↓

which is against Gavin's code of tethics.

code

↓

- What does that even mean? - Hey, Richard,

richard

↓

- are you signing Gavin's pledge? - Ah, what?

pledge signing

↓

Because I'm getting a lot of heat from my friends

friends heat

↓

over at Facebook for working at an untethical company.

company facebook working

↓

Okay, cool. So, Facebook is calling us untethical.

calling cool facebook

↓

Yeah, because they signed the pledge.

pledge signed

↓

So did Google and Amazon and Twitter.

amazon google twitter

↓

- Don't care. - Speaking of,

care speaking

↓

even if you don't sign,

sign

↓

could you at least stop tweeting about it?

least

↓

"Anyone who signs this Tethics thing is a thumbass"?

signs

↓

- That doesn't even make sense. - Yes, it does.

sense

↓

It's dumbass but with thumb.

dumbass thumb

↓

Thumbass. It's basically perfect.

perfect

↓

Tethics is tech ethics. What's the thumb part?

ethics part tech thumb

↓

And why are you tweeting that from your personal account?

account personal

↓

The Verge referred to you as "notable tethics holdout

referred verge

↓

and amateur insult comedian Richard Hendricks."

amateur comedian insult richard

↓

Andy Borowitz

andy

↓

wrote a pointed piece about you

piece pointed wrote

↓

- called "Doubting Richard." - Ah, see?

called doubting richard

↓

That doesn't really make any sense.

sense

↓

I mean, what's the pun? What am I supposed to be enjoying there?

enjoying supposed

↓

Now, you're harshing on Borowitz?

↓

Well, yeah, if he's coming up with those zingers.

coming

↓

If you like Andy Borowitz so much, why don't you marry him?

andy marry

↓

Says the guy who's three months behind in child support.

behind child months support three three-months

↓

A dog is not a child!

child

↓

- Uh... - Michael Eisenberg

michael

↓

from AT&T is on the phone.

phone

↓

- He says it's urgent. - Ah, great.

urgent

↓

Hey, Michael, what's up?

michael

↓

Did you just publicly insult my boss?

boss insult publicly

↓

What? No.

↓

"Anyone who signs this Tethics thing is a thumbass."

signs

↓

Well, my boss just signed Gavin Belson's pledge.

boss pledge signed

↓

- He did? Why? - Because

↓

loudmouths like you got up in front of Congress

congress front

↓

and whined about how somebody

somebody

↓

needed to do something about big tech.

needed tech

↓

Okay, I did that one time...

↓

And now, Gavin has managed

managed

↓

to paint himself as that guy.

paint

↓

And we all have to fall in line, or we'll be in PR hell.

fall line

↓

Or worse! We'll face government regulation.

face government regulation worse

↓

Look, have you read his pledge?

pledge read

↓

No, of course not. It's trash.

course trash

↓

The first line says, "We, the undersigned,

line

↓

promise to make best efforts to," blah, blah, blah.

best best-efforts blah efforts promise

↓

Best efforts, Richard. It's totally toothless.

best best-efforts efforts richard toothless

↓

Yes. Exactly, Michael. That's entirely my point.

entirely michael point

↓

It's all empty bullshit. It means nothing.

bullshit empty

↓

Then who the fuck cares, Richard?

cares fuck richard

↓

Do not fuck this all up over a pointless moral stand!

fuck moral pointless stand

↓

- Okay. - Sign the fucking pledge!

fucking pledge sign

↓

Oh, and stop tweeting about thumbs up people's asses.

asses peoples thumbs

↓

Oh. No, th-that's wordplay.

↓

Michael?

michael

↓

That is one lucky mug, Holden, my friend.

friend lucky

↓

- Please stop. - Stop what?

↓

You're just trying to creep me out

creep

↓

- so that I'll quit. - What?

quit

↓

I mean, why wouldn't somebody be nice to you?

somebody

↓

Are you a piece of shit?

piece

↓

- Oh, hey, Dinesh. - Okay, listen, Gabe.

gabe

↓

I spent the entire flight streamlining

entire flight spent

↓

our setup procedure, so I am gonna take

procedure setup

↓

the rental convertible and drive tower to tower,

convertible drive rental tower

↓

most of which are on pristine beaches

beaches

↓

or scenic volcanoes

↓

to check coverage while you sit at the office by yourself.

check coverage office

↓

- Welcome... - Oh! No! No! I get it.

welcome

↓

Put it on me. I-I don't want the plastic one.

plastic

↓

- Are you one of the first cla... - Put it on me.

↓

Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it...

↓

Aloha.

↓

Richard. To what do I owe the pleasure?

pleasure richard

↓

Just calling to, you know.

calling

↓

To what, Richard?

richard

↓

- Sign your thing. - My thing?

sign

↓

To sign my thing?

sign

↓

I sense a certain lack of commitment, Richard.

certain commitment lack richard sense

↓

I mean, if I suspected the only reason

reason suspected

↓

you wanted to lend your name to my cause

lend name wanted

↓

was because of the enormous pressure you're probably facing

enormous facing pressure

↓

as a notable holdout, well,

↓

how could I allow you

allow

↓

to add your name to my tethics pledge?

name pledge

↓

That would be... untethical.

↓

Gavin, come on. Just... can we get this over with?

↓

Then again, the idea of you

idea

↓

publicly committing to the cause,

committing publicly

↓

that gives me joy.

gives

↓

So yes, Richard, I'd be happy to be your moral mentor.

happy mentor moral richard

↓

I guess I'll see you at the ceremony.

ceremony

↓

- What ceremony? - The groundbreaking

ceremony

↓

- for the Institute. - What fucking institute?

fucking institute

↓

The Belson Institute of Tethics. It's all on our website.

institute website

↓

You and the others will all be there

others

↓

to publicly commit to the pledge.

commit pledge publicly

↓

Also, I'm gonna be asking you to say a few words.

asking words

↓

Just a bit about how much of a fan you are,

↓

dedicated to the cause, my cause, maybe lead with a joke.

dedicated joke lead

↓

Be good to have you there, Richard.

richard

↓

Securing my legacy with you at my wing.

legacy wing

↓

_

↓

Wear pants you can kneel in.

kneel pants wear

↓

Hey, Nathan!

nathan

↓

I was, uh, perusing your file, and I just...

file

↓

Hey.

↓

- What? - Sorry. I just, um,

↓

I was quickly perusing your file...

file quickly

↓

That's not what peruse means.

↓

Peruse means to read thoroughly and carefully.

carefully read thoroughly

↓

Wow. That... that's... super helpful.

helpful super

↓

Thank you for that tip.

↓

Um, anyway, yeah,

↓

I was just curious to know, like, what's it like...

curious

↓

growing up in Rhode Island?

growing island rhode rhode-island

↓

Well, maybe some time when you're working on something,

working

↓

I can come interrupt your flow

flow interrupt

↓

and use words incorrectly to tell you about it.

incorrectly words

↓

Got it.

↓

Oh, you own a Prius?

prius

↓

Popular choice. Later, Daniel.

choice daniel popular

↓

What?

↓

Well, you win.

↓

That is the worst case of contact dermatitis

case contact worst worst-case

↓

I have ever seen.

seen

↓

- The itching is so insane! - Right.

insane itching

↓

- It's like from the inside! - Warren!

↓

Come here, I want you to see something. This is Warren,

↓

our resident. This is his first week.

resident week

↓

Warren, I want you to notice

notice

↓

the violent allergic reaction

allergic reaction violent

↓

to the plumeria flowers used in the patient's lei,

flowers patients used

↓

which is weird.

weird

↓

Normally, they just hand out plastic ones.

hand normally ones plastic

↓

Just make it stop!

↓

Well, the good news is a strong

news strong

↓

anti-histamine shot oughta take care of it in no time.

anti care oughta shot

↓

Oh! Great! Yeah! The shot! Just-just gimme the shot!

shot

↓

Now, before we proceed, I should warn you the shot,

proceed shot warn

↓

it works like gangbusters,

works

↓

but it does tend to cause

tend

↓

acute sensitivity to sunlight,

acute sunlight

↓

so you're gonna wanna stay indoors

indoors

↓

- for four to six weeks. - What?!

four weeks

↓

Warren, no!

↓

We wait until after I've explained

explained

↓

all the possible complications,

complications possible

↓

and only then,

↓

do we administer the injection.

administer injection

↓

- Did you say four to six weeks? - Yep.

four weeks

↓

Otherwise, you're gonna be back here for something a lot worse.

otherwise worse

↓

All right, well...

↓

that was a teachable moment, huh?

moment

↓

- Yeah. Sure. - Yeah.

↓

I got next. And, uh, better watch out

watch

↓

'cause I am the queen of Asteroids.

queen

↓

- Are you trying to cut in line? - You don't need a quarter.

line quarter

↓

It's on free play, duh.

free

↓

We get it. You make more money than us.

money

↓

Okay, you know what?

↓

- Gilfoyle, you're awesome. - Carl.

awesome carl

↓

You're doin' it.

doin

↓

What the fuck?

fuck

↓

My man.

↓

"Integrity. We do the right thing.

integrity

↓

We are committed to the highest ethical standards."

committed ethical highest standards

↓

It's all such banal, self-righteous, hacky bullshit.

bullshit self

↓

- And I have to endorse it? - Yeah.

↓

It is particularly pedestrian pablum, even for Gavin.

particularly

↓

"Responsibility. We contribute to the growth, joy,

contribute growth responsibility

↓

and enrichment of all the lives we touch.

lives touch

↓

- Courage... " - Wait, uh,

courage

↓

- what was that last one? - Responsibility?

responsibility

↓

Uh, "We contribute to the growth, joy, and enrichment

contribute growth

↓

of all the lives we touch."

lives touch

↓

Holden!

↓

Can you bring the menu book in here, please?

book bring menu

↓

Hi, guy!

↓

- Here you go. - Thanks.

thanks

↓

Yes. You are a good boy.

↓

Are you hungry?

hungry

↓

I am. Holden.

↓

Holden.

↓

Holden.

↓

Holden...

↓

Ah, good. Applebee's. We were...

applebees

↓

ordering from here the other night,

night ordering

↓

and we were all joking about this, uh... Yes, look.

joking

↓

Uh, so, their mission statement

mission statement

↓

is right near their nachos, and we were saying

nachos near

↓

that this is not-cho mission statement.

mission statement

↓

Wait, I'm sorry.

↓

Was that a joke?

joke

↓

That. It's... it's a pun.

↓

- Right. - It's just like thumbass, you know.

↓

It's in the same genre.

genre

↓

- Like what? - Thumbass?

↓

I've been saying it a lot.

↓

Read it, read it.

read

↓

"At Applebee's, our mission is to contribute

applebees contribute mission

↓

to the growth, joy...

growth

↓

and enrichment of all the lives we touch." Wait...

lives touch

↓

That's word for word what's in Gavin's pledge.

pledge word

↓

Yes, it is.

↓

- You don't think... - That's exactly what I think.

↓

Read me another one of Gavin's frilly sentences.

another frilly read sentences

↓

"Maintaining our uncompromising principles while we grow."

grow principles

↓

That's Starbucks.

starbucks

↓

Okay, again.

↓

"Enhance the quality of life for all ages."

ages life quality

↓

- That's the AARP. - Yes!

↓

My best friend Gloria was a charter member for 35 years

best best-friend friend gloria member years

↓

- before she passed. - The question is...

passed question

↓

if Gavin stole his entire code of conduct

code conduct entire stole

↓

for this stupid fucking foundation,

foundation fucking stupid stupid-fucking

↓

what else has he been stealing?

stealing

↓

All right, I give up.

↓

Even this stupid hair didn't work.

hair stupid

↓

How are you getting these people to like you?

↓

I'm not getting anyone to like me.

↓

Bullshit. I've seen you out there.

bullshit seen

↓

It's like you have a non-evil twin.

evil evil-twin twin

↓

It's very weird.

weird

↓

Monica...

↓

gaining someone's confidence is easy.

confidence easy gaining someones

↓

Appear open and interested

appear interested open

↓

by mimicking their body language

body body-language language mimicking

↓

and repeating what they say back to them.

repeating

↓

So, you just repeat what they say?

repeat

↓

I just repeat what they say.

repeat

↓

I was social engineering them.

engineering social

↓

Once trust is established,

established trust

↓

the social engineer simply offers up information,

engineer information offers simply social

↓

and the subject will reciprocate: Pets names,

names pets subject

↓

kids names, birthdays.

birthdays kids names

↓

Then, that information is entered

entered information

↓

into a word list generator.

generator list word

↓

Pop it with their hash into John The Ripper,

hash john

↓

and within minutes,

minutes

↓

you have their passwords.

↓

So, you're just gonna change all your scores to 10's?

change scores

↓

Yep.

↓

Can you do mine, too?

↓

I don't actually want them to like me.

↓

I hate them. I really fucking hate them.

fucking fucking-hate hate

↓

I just don't like having 2's.

having

↓

You know,

↓

I could raise both of our scores

raise scores

↓

and continue this charade. Or...

charade continue

↓

I could lower someone else's,

elses lower

↓

and put an end to these shenanigans

shenanigans

↓

once and for all.

↓

I like it.

↓

Thank you.

↓

It's quite an event, eh?

event

↓

See down there? It's Facebook, Google,

facebook google

↓

even fucking Bezos sent someone.

fucking sent

↓

All here to support the cause. My cause.

support

↓

You know who else showed up?

showed

↓

Mm.

↓

Starbucks.

starbucks

↓

Very good company.

company

↓

Filled with smart people with bold ideas.

bold filled ideas smart

↓

- I suppose. - Also,

suppose

↓

Anusol Plus.

plus

↓

Do you have hemorrhoids, Gavin?

↓

Not currently.

currently

↓

Made by Johnson & Johnson, also a good company.

company johnson

↓

Do you know what they do?

↓

They spark solutions

solutions spark

↓

that create a better, healthier world.

create healthier world

↓

Just like you.

↓

You remember writing that?

remember writing

↓

I'm a busy man, Richard.

busy richard

↓

I've lived an incredible life.

incredible life lived

↓

I saw a yeti one time,

yeti

↓

and forgot for a couple years.

couple couple-years forgot years

↓

Well, I ran your little pledge

pledge

↓

through a plagiarism detection API.

↓

What are you implying, Richard?

implying richard

↓

Well, I also looked at transcripts

looked

↓

of your interviews and speeches.

interviews speeches

↓

Your commencement speech at Liberty University. Stolen,

liberty speech stolen university

↓

from an obscure Afghan philosopher.

obscure philosopher

↓

And also, do you see

↓

that guy right there?

↓

That is Rod Morgenstern,

↓

the author of "The Nautilus of Dreams,"

author dreams

↓

the eBook you blatantly plagiarized and turned into

turned

↓

"Cold Ice Cream and Hot Kisses."

cold cream kisses

↓

Do you know how much harder my life has been

harder life

↓

- because I cared about ethics? - Tethics.

cared ethics

↓

I could've lost my company a dozen different times

company couldve dozen lost times

↓

because I couldn't compromise on my ethics,

compromise ethics

↓

- and now you're turning ethics... - Tethics.

ethics turning

↓

- Tethics. - ... into some kind of fucking vanity project.

fucking project vanity

↓

- Tethics, Richard. Tethics. - Stop it.

richard

↓

Something I came up with on my own.

↓

Well, it sounds fuckin' dumb.

dumb fuckin sounds

↓

What do you want?

↓

Ever since I turned down your $10 million,

million turned

↓

all I ever wanted was for you to just go away.

wanted

↓

But, you and Hooli have tried

tried

↓

to fuck me over a thousand different ways.

fuck thousand ways

↓

You're a billionaire. You can do anything you want.

billionaire

↓

You can run for president or buy a fuckin' basketball team,

basketball fuckin president team

↓

but you can't do this.

↓

And I'm gonna make sure of it.

↓

So, if you'll excuse me, I have to...

excuse

↓

look over my speech.

speech

↓

Hey!

↓

So, you guys raised some issues

issues raised

↓

with Piper-Pulse, so I really started looking into it,

looking piper pulse started

↓

and it turns out, there are some...

turns

↓

real problems with its reliability as a metric. So,

problems real

↓

I'm shutting it down.

shutting

↓

- Aw. - Hm.

↓

But the scores are derived from our coworkers,

scores

↓

the most reliable indicator of job performance.

performance reliable

↓

Yeah, maybe we could help.

↓

You know, I'm sure if we took a look

↓

- under the hood... - No!

hood

↓

Bad system. Didn't work.

system

↓

Thank you.

↓

Oh, I guess I'm up.

↓

Thank you.

↓

Thank you, Elder Red Spirit,

elder spirit

↓

for those profound...

profound

↓

sentiments.

↓

I'm sorry.

↓

I, uh...

↓

I can't do this.

↓

As humbling as it is

↓

to have all of you sitting here, paying tribute to me,

paying sitting tribute

↓

I have to be honest.

honest

↓

I have been anything but ethical.

ethical

↓

In truth, I am a plagiarist, and a liar,

liar truth

↓

and a thief. Ironically, the very...

thief

↓

code of virtue I've asked you all to abide by was,

asked code virtue

↓

in itself, stolen.

stolen

↓

And perhaps, some day,

perhaps

↓

someone may erect a foundation the likes of this.

erect foundation likes

↓

But it will not be, and should not,

↓

be me.

↓

And in the interest of being truly honest,

honest interest truly

↓

this is not new behavior.

behavior

↓

I have, for years and years,

years

↓

practiced a parasitic and cynical brand

brand cynical practiced

↓

of predatory capitalism

↓

that leaves nothing to be admired.

leaves

↓

Ethics? Not a priority.

ethics priority

↓

In fact, my behavior

behavior fact

↓

may have bordered on criminal.

criminal

↓

And to those I have wronged by this,

wronged

↓

I apologize.

apologize

↓

But apologies are cheap, aren't they?

apologies cheap

↓

There must be a reckoning.

must

↓

Which is why today,

today

↓

here in this public forum,

forum public

↓

I call for the attorney general

attorney general

↓

of the state of California to launch

california launch state

↓

an immediate investigation

immediate investigation

↓

of my conduct as CEO of Hooli...

conduct

↓

... leaving no stone unturned.

leaving stone

↓

The truth must finally be revealed.

finally must revealed truth

↓

I apologize

apologize

↓

for putting you all through this, especially...

especially putting

↓

those of you who actually lead lives of...

lead lives

↓

real virtue.

real virtue

↓

Hey, Gavin.

↓

I know that wasn't easy.

easy

↓

Sure about that?

↓

Should've taken the $10 million, Richard.

million richard shouldve taken

↓

Enjoy the injunction, thumbass.

enjoy

↓

What?

↓

Okay, Donny. Yeah, you, too,

↓

and I appreciate it, by the way.

appreciate

↓

All right, I'll catch you on the flip side.

catch flip side

↓

Okay, so, this is real.

real

↓

The AG just told me they're launching an investigation

investigation

↓

into Gavin's price fixing and anti-competitive behavior

anti behavior competitive fixing price

↓

while he was at Hooli,

↓

and Gavin called it. So, obviously,

called obviously

↓

the first move is to file an injunction against

file

↓

any further merging between Hooli and Pied Piper.

further piper

↓

Okay. W-what does injunction mean?

↓

- What does that mean? - It means

↓

until this investigation concludes,

investigation

↓

you are prohibited from mixing any more

mixing prohibited

↓

Hooli chocolate with the Pied Piper peanut butter.

butter chocolate peanut peanut-butter piper

↓

Well, we're in the middle of merging our codebases.

middle

↓

- Yeah, unmerge them. - Well, that's impossible.

impossible

↓

I mean, Christ, we're using HooliPhones in our Hawaii test.

christ hawaii test using

↓

So, by calling for an investigation

calling investigation

↓

into his own behaviors, he can kill us?

kill

↓

Fuckin' Gavin Belson.

fuckin

↓

Fuckin' Gavin Belson.

fuckin

↓

Is this fun? I'm sorry. Are-are you admiring him?

fun

↓

You gotta separate the artist from the art,

artist separate

↓

Rico. I mean, this is...

rico

↓

elegant, you know? This is, this is graceful.

elegant graceful

↓

This is kinda like, uh...

kinda

↓

What's the, uh, what's the name of that...

name

↓

- ... ballerina dude? - Baryshnikov.

ballerina

↓

- No. - Nureyev?

↓

- No... - Does it fucking matter, Ron?

fucking matter

↓

Who cares?

cares

↓

We're paralyzed! We're gonna be broke!

broke paralyzed

↓

Shit, yeah.

↓

And, now Gavin's gonna be able to buy Pied Piper

able piper

↓

for pennies on the dollar.

dollar pennies

↓

He is under investigation, right?

investigation

↓

So, something bad can happen to him.

happen

↓

Worst case, they find he acted in bad faith,

acted case faith worst worst-case

↓

and then Hooli's gotta pay a big fine or something.

↓

But you own Hooli, so...

↓

you'd have to pay that fine.

↓

Fucking ninja!

fucking ninja

↓

We're dead.

dead

↓

Gregory Hines!

gregory

↓

Dancer guy. He's an American treasure.

american dancer treasure

↓

Richard Hendricks!

richard

↓

What's up?

↓

Right? Right?

↓

Read it. Get it?

read

↓

- Now say it. - Look, Russ, I don't really have time

↓

for you right now.

↓

Or your festival, if that's why you're here.

festival

↓

The Attorney General of California

attorney california general

↓

just signed our fuckin' death warrant.

death fuckin signed warrant

↓

Yeah, I heard Belson gaped your asshole today

asshole heard today

↓

- and not in that fun way. - Cool.

cool fun

↓

Great. Well,

↓

I've gotta go inside and tell everyone, so...

↓

No, you don't, you lucky fuck.

fuck lucky

↓

Lucky fucky. Richard,

lucky richard

↓

Don Delarenta, the AG of California,

california

↓

is gonna do whatever the fuck I tell him to do.

fuck

↓

- Why? - 'Cause I have dirt on him.

dirt

↓

Two years ago, he had an open-and-shut case

case open years

↓

against a guy who committed terrible crimes,

committed crimes

↓

but he didn't prosecute him

↓

'cause that guy bribed him and I can prove it.

prove

↓

You think the fuckin' AG is gonna wanna let the public see

fuckin public

↓

that he didn't prosecute a guy who did this?

↓

- Oh, my God! Holy fuck! - Or this?

fuck holy holy-fuck

↓

Or this? Jesus, look at that.

jesus

↓

Fuck me!

fuck

↓

Hold on, wait... Is that you?

↓

Yeah. So is this. This. Here's portrait mode.

mode portrait

↓

There's a panoramic in here

↓

- somewhere. - I get it, Russ.

↓

Are you the one that committed the terrible crimes?

committed crimes

↓

Yeah. And that dirtbag

dirtbag

↓

let me off because I contributed half a mil to his campaign.

campaign half

↓

Now I had told him I'd delete the photos,

delete photos

↓

but what that moron didn't count on is that I'd forget.

count forget moron

↓

So, Richard. Question.

question richard

↓

Should I make the call?

↓

You ready to dump Hawaii,

dump hawaii ready

↓

and join RussFest?

join

↓

Ah? Ah? Ah?

↓

You're not really giving me much of a choice.

choice giving

↓

Ah!

↓

Don Delarenta, please.

↓

Tell him it's Russ Hanneman.

↓

He'll know.

↓

Uh, hey, Dinesh?

↓

Oh, hey, Dinesh.

↓

Hey, Richard, what's up?

richard

↓

You want me to come home? Like,

home

↓

leave Hawaii?

hawaii

↓

No!

↓

Wait, for what?

↓

So, bitches, what do you think?

bitches

↓

It's beautiful.

↓

Tres Commas!

↓

Boom!

boom

↓

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - ... www.addic7ed.com ...

corrected synced

↓

Hey, Gilfoyle. So, I've been thinking about your AI

thinking

↓

and its many deficits...

↓

Your issue may be insecurity,

insecurity issue

↓

masked by false bravado and unisex cologne.

cologne false masked

↓

It's not unisex.

↓

Richard! Russ Fest!

fest richard

↓

You told AT&T that the hologram would be interactive, right?

↓

Yes.

↓

See, asshole?!

asshole

↓

My hologram can 100 percent dry hump festival goers

festival hump percent

↓

from behind.

behind

↓

If they ask for it. Hashtag-woke.

hashtag woke

↓

Well, the purchasing seems stable.

purchasing seems stable

↓

Everything is amazing.

amazing

↓

What's it doing?

↓

Everything was fine, and then the network

network

↓

started deteriorating.

started

↓

Also, his trailer was filled with ants.

ants filled trailer

↓

What did we do?

↓

Am I going to jail?

jail

↓

Hey. I can train you.

train