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Home » Silicon Valley » S06E04 — Maximizing Alphaness

Silicon Valley

Season 6, Episode 4 — Maximizing Alphaness

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: Maximizing Alphaness

Air date: November 17, 2019

Director: Liza Johnson

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew, Matt Ross

When Richard’s authority is threatened by his former Hooli manager, Dinesh has just the solution. Jared learns some hard truths about his birth parents.

Source: TMDB

↓

Well, Colin, he did take my money.

colin money

↓

- Now he is leaving your network. - To go where?

leaving network

↓

Oh, to the network run by my new friend, Laurie Bream.

friend laurie network

↓

- You guys, there's really no other option. - Yes, there is.

option

↓

If Hooli won't sell us Foxhole, we could just buy Hooli.

sell

↓

Big question.

question

↓

How do we buy Hooli?

↓

You want this deal to close, you bring us the forms,

bring close deal forms

↓

get everyone's hard signature and then bring them to me.

bring everyones hard signature

↓

You're not gonna turn your back on 30 years

years

↓

of making money together, are you?

money

↓

I don't want to be in business with any of you people.

business

↓

Everybody's gathered out there,

everybodys gathered

↓

so you should probably say something.

↓

Won't they be happy? I freed them from Gavin.

freed happy

↓

Or your company just swallowed theirs

company swallowed

↓

and you fired their founder and CEO.

fired founder

↓

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -

corrected synced

↓

All we wanted was Foxhole,

wanted

↓

and instead we got all these Hooli people.

↓

We really couldn't just fire them, sight unseen?

fire sight

↓

Uh-uh. Tracy from HR has to do an assessment

tracy

↓

of each person first, then we should can them.

person

↓

Oh, hey. I think I know that guy. Uh, yeah.

↓

What are you doing? Did you just wave him in?

wave

↓

I-I don't know, automatic social shit.

automatic social

↓

Hey, Ethan! Uh...

ethan

↓

- What are you doing here? - You tell me, boss.

boss

↓

Uh, Ethan was my first manager when I was at Hooli.

ethan manager

↓

I didn't know you still worked there.

worked

↓

Yeah, well, we can't all invent middle-out compression.

invent middle

↓

Uh, anyway, I-I hope I make the cut.

hope

↓

Yeah, well, we're having to be creative with the merger, so...

creative having merger

↓

Yeah, totally. That's why I figured I could maybe help.

figured

↓

You could use Hooli OS for your entire mobile suite.

entire mobile suite

↓

Yeah, we're not gonna spend months porting

months spend

↓

Hooli software over to our protocol, so...

protocol software

↓

- But thanks. - Yeah, it was a good thought.

thanks

↓

Yeah, you wouldn't have to.

↓

When we iterated Hooli OS 11, we reengineered

↓

the entire network layer to be compatible

entire layer network

↓

with other protocols... and you own it.

↓

How quickly, would you say,

quickly

↓

you could, um, make it work with PiperNet?

↓

A few weeks with almost zero refactor.

weeks zero

↓

How much money do you think that could save us?

money save

↓

So you guys are planning to build your own

build planning

↓

external antennas to deploy for the Hawaii test?

hawaii test

↓

- Why? - The zero-start problem.

problem start zero

↓

Until we have a critical mass of users,

critical mass users

↓

iOS and Android devices don't have enough range.

devices range

↓

Right, of course not, but push-to-talk HooliPhones do.

course push

↓

HooliPhones?

↓

You want us to roll out our network on push-to-talk,

network push roll

↓

janky-ass HooliPhones?

↓

Laugh it up, but, uh, the fact that

fact laugh

↓

they still have low power, omnidirectional antennas

power

↓

means they have a radius of four miles.

four miles

↓

What is your antenna's range?

range

↓

- One mile? - Wrong.

mile

↓

One-point-one-five.

five point

↓

Okay. Line of sight, though.

line sight

↓

- Maybe. - Richard,

richard

↓

you guys just bought 250,000 HooliPhones.

bought

↓

Instead of spending more money

money spending

↓

on expensive and mediocre antennas,

expensive

↓

why not just give away HooliPhones for the test?

test

↓

Delete.

delete

↓

You know, Ethan, could you

ethan

↓

walk us through the Hooli OS side of all this work?

side walk

↓

Yeah, totally, but I think it'd go faster

faster

↓

if I just took point and your guys backed me up.

backed point

↓

I'm sorry, what do you mean, back you up?

↓

Guys, we are in a huge hole here.

hole huge

↓

Whatever it takes to get us out of it, please.

takes

↓

Um, why don't you talk to Tracy in HR,

tracy

↓

and you can get your start-paperwork.

paperwork start

↓

Cool! Looks I already earned my keep, huh, Patches?

cool earned

↓

Patches.

↓

Yeah. Oh, that's weird that you remember that.

remember weird

↓

Um, so, Patches. I'll tell them.

↓

Uh, first day at Hooli,

↓

I wore this sweater that had these, like, elbow pads on it.

elbow pads sweater wore

↓

- Anyway, uh... - HooliPhones?

↓

Are you fucking serious?

fucking fucking-serious serious

↓

You just laid down and let that guy roll all over us.

laid roll

↓

Look, I don't wanna use Hooli shit anymore than you guys,

anymore

↓

but this is for the greater good of the company.

company greater

↓

This will get us to a working test.

test working

↓

This will get us to Hawaii.

hawaii

↓

Hey! Holden.

↓

I asked for a water.

asked water

↓

* Silicon Valley 6x04 * Maximizing Alphaness

silicon silicon-valley valley

↓

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

↓

Oh... Laurie.

laurie

↓

This will be sound. Excuse me one minute.

excuse minute sound

↓

- Laurie. - Oh, Monica.

laurie

↓

- Hello. - Hi.

↓

I'm now using touch as a means to communicate friendship.

communicate friendship touch using

↓

Uh-huh.

↓

Hey, um, is that Kara Swisher?

↓

What do guys do in there?

↓

We are uplifting each other while we plan our annual

annual plan

↓

Women in Tech Empowerment panel. Kara's moderating.

panel tech women

↓

Oh my God. Is that Susan...

susan

↓

Susan Wojcicki from YouTube. Don't point, it's unseemly.

point susan youtube

↓

Laurie, you do know that I am the CFO

laurie

↓

of a prominent tech company and just personally led

company personally prominent tech tech-company

↓

- the acquisition of Hooli? - Yes, I am aware.

acquisition aware

↓

My partner Maximo is, hmm... unpleased.

partner

↓

I'm just saying, I-I would love to do the panel.

love panel

↓

Why? You don't mentor, you don't volunteer,

mentor volunteer

↓

you don't develop programs for women.

develop programs women

↓

You've never shown the slightest interest in supporting women.

interest shown slightest supporting women

↓

Of course I have! Which is why

course

↓

I wanna do your panel with Susan Wojcicki from YouTube.

panel susan youtube

↓

Well...

↓

we do have a lot of funny people.

funny

↓

You could add... balance.

balance

↓

Are you eating the entire leaf?

eating entire leaf

↓

It's amazing how wasteful people in the West can be.

amazing west

↓

Hoover.

hoover

↓

This book will send shockwaves throughout the Valley.

book send throughout valley

↓

Cold Ice Cream and Hot Kisses.

cold cream kisses

↓

This is about your experience at Hooli?

experience

↓

No, no. It's a coming-of-age story

coming story

↓

about a lost, yet handsome teen

handsome lost teen

↓

growing up one fateful summer in Maine.

growing maine summer

↓

Now, get that to the publishers.

↓

I want the hardback in my hand by tomorrow lunchtime.

hand lunchtime tomorrow

↓

Sir, it takes a bit longer than that.

longer takes

↓

We have to send it out to publishing houses

houses publishing send

↓

and then find an editor.

↓

Editors are for people who can't write correctly the first time.

correctly write

↓

We'll self-publish.

publish self

↓

And this really isn't about tech?

tech

↓

No. I've left tech for good.

left tech

↓

Now, I have a chance to do something important.

chance

↓

Write a thinly veiled roman ? clef

roman write

↓

set in a whale-themed B and B.

themed whale

↓

So look, Monica, um, I was looking over the org chart,

chart looking

↓

and I think I'm gonna put you in charge of Foxhole.

charge

↓

- What? - Yeah.

↓

I mean, while I know that you and I were saying

↓

that maybe some people might find it

might

↓

a little misogynist or offensive.

offensive

↓

I think that we if we had a woman at the helm,

woman

↓

it might change the optics, and since you don't really care...

care change might

↓

No, I-I-I do care. I care deeply.

care deeply

↓

No, you don't. I mean, you literally said,

↓

"If a bunch of dumb Marines wanna cheat

bunch cheat dumb

↓

on their dumb wives, what the fuck do I care?"

care dumb fuck wives

↓

I don't think I used those exact words.

exact exact-words used words

↓

I'm pretty sure you did, actually.

↓

- You texted it to me last night, see? - No, but...

night texted

↓

And then you also said,

↓

"We don't have to smell it. We just have to sell it.

sell smell

↓

- As long as those fat fat fatties..." - Okay.

fatties

↓

I took an Ambien last night, and probably

night

↓

should've turned off my phone. Can you delete those?

delete phone shouldve turned

↓

Okay. Monica, just make it work.

↓

Please? For women.

women

↓

Hi.

↓

Bertram Gilfoyle?

↓

No.

↓

I'm John.

john

↓

Okay.

↓

I brought the HooliPhones. Would you like to see them?

brought

↓

I was told to help you with integration.

↓

You know what, John?

john

↓

That would be grand.

grand

↓

Okay, here they are.

↓

The push-to-talk HooliPhone 13-X.

push

↓

Here's a HooliPhone right here.

↓

And here's a HooliPhone right here.

↓

- And here's a... - Stop talking.

↓

Sit in that chair.

chair

↓

Do not touch or say anything.

touch

↓

Okay.

↓

Oh my God.

↓

Gwart, do you remember how I-I told you

remember

↓

I found my birth father in that militia in the Ozarks, but...

birth father found

↓

then it turned out that guy was a fraud?

fraud turned

↓

Well, um, I just went in for some genetic testing

genetic testing

↓

to-to confirm my diagnosis of Marfan syndrome,

confirm diagnosis syndrome

↓

and it turns out that my real parents are alive.

alive parents real turns

↓

And they live in Santa Cruz.

live santa

↓

And they're still together.

↓

What should I do? Should I visit them?

visit

↓

Are you upset?

upset

↓

Should I have not allowed somebody to sit so close?

allowed close somebody

↓

Because I-I asked you if it was okay.

asked

↓

If you had an issue, you could've...

couldve issue

↓

No. No.

↓

It is my job to protect you.

protect

↓

That is my responsibility.

responsibility

↓

I shouldn't have put you in that position.

position

↓

I apologize. Do you forgive me?

apologize forgive

↓

Yeah!

↓

Yeah, you're right!

↓

I'll be splitting you guys into teams of four,

four splitting teams

↓

then giving you guys different test scenarios. Hey, Patches!

giving scenarios test

↓

Hey! Uh, Holden said that we were having this thing upstairs.

having upstairs

↓

Yeah, I moved it down here. It's just a better space.

moved space

↓

Go ahead, have a seat. You're over there.

ahead go-ahead seat

↓

I said we should wait for you to start, but...

start

↓

The clock is ticking, though, right? We have stuff to do.

clock stuff ticking

↓

Busy, busy.

busy

↓

Oh.

↓

Elbow pads. Weird. Yeah, okay.

elbow pads weird

↓

Uh, actually, the first day I was at Hooli...

↓

Yeah, I told them. I told them. They all laughed.

laughed

↓

Oh. Heh.

↓

Come on, put it on, Patches.

↓

- I don't wanna put it on. - Do it! Be fun!

fun

↓

Yeah, okay, sure. I can be fun.

fun

↓

It's kinda funny, I guess.

funny kinda

↓

Yes! There he is!

↓

There's our Patches!

↓

Hey, listen, Richard.

richard

↓

You know I'm just joking around with you, right?

joking

↓

We're all just having fun. Thanks for being a good sport, okay?

fun having sport thanks

↓

Sure. No problem. Okay. Back to it.

problem

↓

Right! Okay, so as I was saying,

↓

with smaller groups,

groups smaller

↓

we'll be able to make faster decisions, right?

able decisions faster

↓

Light on our feet. For example,

example feet light

↓

do we think this photo of Richard is funny?

funny photo richard

↓

We do, don't we?

↓

God...

↓

We do!

↓

Okay. Cool, uh, guilty as charged.

charged cool guilty

↓

Big cake lover. You got me.

cake lover

↓

Yeah. Well, I mean, I was your boss for a year,

boss

↓

so you know I have some funny photos of you squirreled away, right?

funny photos

↓

Uh, I didn't know that was a thing bosses did, but, yeah, maybe.

bosses

↓

Speaking of which, did you write that?

speaking write

↓

- Ooh! - Oh, my God.

↓

And sorted list size is greater than

greater list size sorted

↓

plus, plus index?

plus

↓

You ran a brute force search on a sorted list?

brute force list search sorted

↓

Look, guys, it was my first day, and...

↓

- I was nervous, and I was hurrying, so... - Really?

nervous

↓

That's why you decided to write the slowest subroutine in history?

decided history slowest write

↓

Anyone could've made that mistake.

couldve mistake

↓

Yeah, it's true. In fact, I could ask for a show of hands,

fact hands

↓

but instead of doing that, uh, I'll just, uh...

↓

Could you have made that mistake?

mistake

↓

Could you have made that mistake?

mistake

↓

Could you have made that mistake?

mistake

↓

- Okay. - Could you have made that mistake?

mistake

↓

The joke is that he's doing a brute force search of the room.

brute force joke room search

↓

- Yeah, I know. - Then, why did you do it?

↓

Could you have made that mistake?

mistake

↓

Richard, what the fuck was that?

fuck richard

↓

It was just... Ethan being Ethan.

ethan

↓

He was acting like your boss,

acting boss

↓

and you were acting like his noob employee.

acting employee

↓

No. Everyone knows I'm the boss.

boss knows

↓

I think people were just excited to, you know, razz the CEO.

excited

↓

- It's all in good fun. - I did not have fun.

fun

↓

I watched you get kicked in the balls for 90 minutes.

balls kicked minutes watched

↓

My balls hurt sympathetically for your balls.

balls hurt

↓

Take off that sweater!

sweater

↓

It's fine.

↓

I mean, yes, Ethan can be a little prickly,

ethan

↓

but he is gonna get us to where we need to be.

↓

And I don't mind putting my ego aside for the good of the company.

aside company mind putting

↓

That guy humiliating you was not good for the company.

company humiliating

↓

He dominated you like a silverback gorilla.

gorilla

↓

Do you know why the gorillas respected Jane Goodall?

jane respected

↓

- Jane Goodall studied chimpanzees. - Wrong!

jane studied

↓

It's because she could kick their ass, and they knew it.

kick

↓

You need to assert dominance like Jane Goodall.

dominance jane

↓

I have something to show you.

↓

You're gonna need this.

↓

This is a video of maximizing alphaness.

video

↓

What else happens?

happens

↓

It's just this, then it repeats itself.

↓

You just kind of breathe

breathe

↓

and subconsciously absorb it.

↓

Dinesh, this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

dumbest seen

↓

Fuck yeah.

fuck

↓

Hey, John.

john

↓

Yeah?

↓

Could you grab my extra spudger?

extra grab

↓

I think it's on my desk,

desk

↓

next to my chess board.

board chess

↓

Okay.

↓

Cthulu limited edition, huh?

limited

↓

- That's right. - Huh.

↓

Anything else?

↓

Nope.

nope

↓

Okay.

↓

I am so glad we could do this.

glad

↓

Yeah.

↓

What are we doing, exactly?

↓

Well, I have had my eye on you for a while now.

↓

It's what I like to call, "mentoring from a distance".

distance

↓

We haven't spoken more than five words to each other

five spoken words

↓

since you joined the company.

company joined

↓

That's the distance part!

distance part

↓

Look, I-I came here to talk about

↓

advancing the careers of women,

careers women

↓

specifically yours.

specifically

↓

- Do you know how we just acquired Foxhole? - Of course.

acquired course

↓

Apparently, it's 90% men,

apparently

↓

and almost all the female users are prostitutes.

female prostitutes users

↓

Which makes it a very challenging assignment.

assignment challenging makes

↓

It's also a big promotion

promotion

↓

and strategically important to the company.

company

↓

And it's yours, if you want it.

↓

But, I mean, if you don't think you can handle it,

handle

↓

I can just check in with Becky, Nadia,

becky check nadia

↓

- Dani... - No!

↓

I can do it.

↓

Awesome! For you!

awesome

↓

Caspian's heart cracked open

cracked heart open

↓

like one of his father's briny lobster traps.

fathers lobster traps

↓

"Hannah", he whispered.

↓

"I am not..."

↓

"Hannah", he whispered. "I am not a member

member

↓

of the prestigious Prout's Neck Yacht Club.

club neck yacht

↓

Truth be told, I am but a..."

truth

↓

"Truth be told, I am but a lowly man of the sea.

truth

↓

She..."

↓

"She was my mistress, but now, I pray

mistress pray

↓

that you might be as well?"

might

↓

Thank you.

↓

- Name? - Oh, I don't want to buy your book.

book name

↓

I'm Allie Abrams, arts editor at the Sacramento Bee.

arts

↓

Do you have a minute for a quick interview?

interview minute quick

↓

I'll make the time.

↓

Is it on? Running?

running

↓

Firstly, I work in the parlor.

parlor

↓

I use a 1968 IBM Selectric II.

↓

In fact, the tapping of the keys

fact keys tapping

↓

inspired the idea for Lana's blindness.

idea inspired

↓

The tapping of her cane, you see?

cane tapping

↓

Oh.

↓

I guess what I really want to know is,

↓

why isn't this book about tech?

book tech

↓

I'm an author.

author

↓

Would you ask John Grisham the same question, or Jackie Collins?

collins jackie john question

↓

Well, no, but they weren't the head of a failed tech company.

company failed head tech tech-company

↓

You think I failed.

failed

↓

I didn't fail tech.

fail tech

↓

Tech failed me.

failed tech

↓

Tech failed all of us. Look.

failed tech

↓

We should be in a Waldenbooks,

↓

but we're here, in this decrepit shithole, and why?

shithole

↓

Because people buy books online, thanks to Hool...

books online thanks

↓

Amazon.

amazon

↓

So, don't point fingers at me.

fingers point

↓

I didn't write about tech

tech write

↓

because tech destroys worlds,

tech worlds

↓

and I, I wanted to create them.

create wanted

↓

May I have a token for the restroom, please?

restroom token

↓

Well, there's not a whole lot to the story.

story whole

↓

Once you came along,

along

↓

Susan and I realized the timing was not right,

realized susan timing

↓

and we needed to give you up.

needed

↓

I appreciate how difficult that must've been for you guys.

appreciate difficult mustve

↓

One of the hardest decisions we ever had to make.

decisions hardest

↓

Um, thank you.

↓

And I just want you to know,

↓

that I understand and I don't hold it

↓

against you at all.

↓

You guys had kids after me?

kids

↓

- Well, one was after. - Pardon?

pardon

↓

- Pete and Lisa were before you. - Right.

lisa pete

↓

I don't understand. You...

↓

I was your third child, and-and you... you gave me up?

child third

↓

- Yeah. It just got way too difficult for us. - Mm. Yeah.

difficult

↓

Couldn't go on as many flights.

flights

↓

Two parents, two kids... that's a clear row across.

clear kids parents

↓

- Yeah. - 1A, B, C, and D.

↓

So, you gave me up to simplify your first-class air travel?

class travel

↓

- Oh. No, it's more complicated than that. - Yeah.

complicated

↓

Yeah, we had car travel,

travel

↓

- and taxis. - Mm-hmm.

↓

We never really did travel by train.

train travel

↓

No, and I don't do boats, so...

boats

↓

Well, you did enjoy that trip down the Rhine.

enjoy trip

↓

I... said I did.

↓

Oh, you!

↓

Anyway, when we gave you up, we realized...

realized

↓

- we had a huge mistake. - You did?

huge huge-mistake mistake

↓

Yeah. We realized we actually did want a third child.

child realized third

↓

- Yep. - Started trying almost immediately,

immediately started

↓

and we lucked out because Donald is the best of the bunch.

best bunch donald

↓

Yeah.

↓

- Donald? - Yeah, we love that name,

donald love name

↓

so we just wanted to use it again.

wanted

↓

- Oh! Speak of the angels, they're here. - They're here.

angels speak

↓

Wait, you invited my birth siblings here?

birth invited

↓

To meet me?

meet

↓

- Hi, Mama. - Hey.

mama

↓

This is Peter.

peter

↓

This is Lisa. This is Donald.

donald lisa

↓

And this is, uh, Ken. He's here to tell us

↓

- about the solar situation for the house... - Ken?

house situation solar

↓

... so, uh...

↓

Yeah, we offer financing.

offer

↓

We just need one more minute, and then we can go.

minute

↓

- All right. - Bye.

↓

We never told them about you.

↓

Didn't wanna make them sad.

↓

- Yeah, I-I see. - Yeah.

↓

Well! This has been really great.

↓

We have...

↓

- We have a family dinner. - We have a dinner.

dinner family

↓

Every Thursday, we have Italian food, so...

food italian thursday

↓

Although, tonight, we're switching it up. We're gonna do Chinese.

chinese switching tonight

↓

It was one of the hardest decisions we ever had to make.

decisions hardest

↓

Yeah.

↓

Well, uh, Ken, we were underwhelmed by your presentation.

presentation

↓

- Hey, John. - Yeah?

john

↓

Did you move the white pawn here?

pawn white

↓

Opening move?

opening

↓

No.

↓

Okay.

↓

I'm gonna go hit the head.

head

↓

I should be back in about two minutes.

minutes

↓

Okay.

↓

Where's the dunce cap?

↓

Hey, uh...

↓

Uh, Ethan?

ethan

↓

Yeah, Patches?

↓

I-I was actually thinking that maybe

thinking

↓

we stop with the nickname.

nickname

↓

We had our fun,

fun

↓

but maybe stop all the jokes about my coding mistake

coding jokes mistake

↓

from years ago, and also...

years

↓

stop calling me Patches.

calling

↓

Yeah. Okay.

↓

Butt Stuff.

butt stuff

↓

You remember that?

remember

↓

When you walked around all day and your T-shirt was

shirt walked

↓

stuck all the way into your underwear, all day?

stuck underwear

↓

I mean, I remember it, but no to Butt Stuff.

butt remember stuff

↓

- Um, just call me Richard. - Here's the thing.

richard

↓

That name makes me happy, and...

happy makes name

↓

if you had as much managerial experience as I do,

experience

↓

you'd know that keeping your star coder happy

happy keeping star

↓

is how you get the best work, and you guys need me

best

↓

to do really good work because I'm kind of

↓

the only person here that can do it, so...

person

↓

I'm just gonna keep calling you Patches.

calling

↓

Is that okay with you? Patches?

↓

- Oh! - Aw!

↓

So, it's complicated.

complicated

↓

You were the clear aggressor in this incident,

clear incident

↓

but you're also the only one who got hurt.

hurt

↓

You hit him in the forehead,

forehead

↓

which is the single hardest part of the human body.

body hardest human human-body part single

↓

I would never advocate violence, but when you make a fist,

fist violence

↓

you wanna keep your thumb on the outside.

thumb

↓

Yeah. Uh, I know that now, but at the time, I couldn't remember.

remember

↓

You did great, Champ, but here's the bottom line.

bottom bottom-line champ line

↓

We gotta cool our shit down with this guy

cool

↓

before he lawyers up and sues us a new hiney-hole.

hole lawyers sues

↓

You need to go talk to Ethan and give him a sincere

ethan sincere

↓

- and honest apology. - Without admitting any fault

admitting apology fault honest

↓

or describing what happened in any way.

describing happened

↓

I asked myself, why would they reject me

asked reject

↓

and not their three other biological children?

biological children three

↓

And that is when it hit me.

↓

It's me.

↓

I mean, even as a baby, I must have

baby must

↓

somehow rejected them,

rejected

↓

and every subsequent foster family I've ever had.

family foster

↓

Oh. Heavy.

heavy

↓

I rejected Richard,

rejected richard

↓

and every person who has ever offered me safe harbor,

harbor offered person safe

↓

and it has to stop.

↓

I have to commit to Gwart.

commit

↓

No matter how difficult it gets,

difficult matter

↓

even if we're miserable together, I am going

miserable

↓

to support her work, and bring her food,

bring food support

↓

and-and put her in her prescription sleeping bag

prescription sleeping

↓

when she starts to thrash.

starts

↓

It is the only path forward.

forward path

↓

Hey, that's the best, man.

best

↓

I feel like you made a lot of progress.

progress

↓

Ha!

↓

Gwart's doll gloves.

doll gloves

↓

I'm gonna make her so happy.

happy

↓

My book is a fucking disaster.

book disaster fucking

↓

What have you got there?

↓

Oh, um,

↓

MSNBC wanted to interview you about being

interview wanted

↓

an "anti-tech evangelist". Their words.

anti tech words

↓

I told them you only wanted to speak about two things:

speak wanted

↓

cold ice cream, and hot kisses.

cold cream kisses

↓

Who-who was it? Was it Hayes or O'Donnell?

↓

Maddow, sir.

↓

- Really? - Yes.

↓

I'm sure all the major outlets would love to have you...

love major

↓

if you discuss tech.

discuss tech

↓

So...

↓

Do I honor my truth as a starving author,

author honor starving truth

↓

or do I return to the world I've scorned?

return world

↓

What did Publisher's Weekly say about my book?

book weekly

↓

Publisher's Weekly is a... terrible magazine, sir.

magazine weekly

↓

Call Maddow.

↓

Yes, sir.

↓

Bishop to E6.

↓

- Checkmate. - Fuck.

checkmate fuck

↓

Okay, so that's...

↓

42 games for me, and...

games

↓

zero for you.

zero

↓

You wanna play again?

↓

I think I'll take a break.

break

↓

Okay.

↓

_

↓

_

↓

Okay.

↓

Well, thank you so much

↓

for the hilarious Susan Wojcicki, the CEO of YouTube.

hilarious susan youtube

↓

It's gonna be a very hard act to follow,

follow hard

↓

but here to try is Monica Hall,

hall

↓

the CFO of Pied Piper. Come on up, Monica.

piper

↓

- Thank you for coming, Monica. - Thank you.

coming

↓

I was thrilled and surprised to be invited.

invited surprised thrilled

↓

So, let's cut right to the chase.

chase

↓

You recently acquired Hooli,

acquired recently

↓

and one of its properties

↓

is Foxhole, which is apparently an app

apparently

↓

that military members use to source prostitutes.

members military prostitutes source

↓

Yes, and that's something

↓

I'm not involved with on any level.

involved level

↓

It's being run now by a young woman

woman young young-woman

↓

I promoted, Priyanka Singh.

promoted

↓

I talked to Priyanka before this panel.

panel talked

↓

Priyanka, are you in this audience?

audience

↓

- Yes, hi! - Hey, Priyanka. How you doing?

↓

Why don't you get up and tell us about it?

↓

Well,

↓

when I first took over the app, I was pretty lost,

lost

↓

but, luckily, I was able to call on my network

able luckily network

↓

of strong, female coders.

female strong

↓

And almost immediately, we came up

immediately

↓

with a plan to rebuild Foxhole from the bottom up.

bottom plan rebuild

↓

Our first step will be to unionize the sex workers on the app.

step workers

↓

We believe that friends with benefits deserve benefits

believe benefits deserve friends

↓

because sex work is work.

↓

And! And! Why is it only for men?

↓

Don't our female soldiers, who put their bodies in harm's way,

bodies female harms soldiers

↓

deserve to put their bodies in pleasure's way?

bodies deserve pleasures

↓

I think it might be a good idea to bring Priyanka up here.

bring idea might

↓

- Priyanka, why don't you come up? - Uh, okay.

↓

So, Priyanka,

↓

the business of sex positive feminism...

business positive

↓

Monica, move.

↓

Like we say at Foxhole, if you can scale Tinder,

scale

↓

you can scale sex positive feminism.

positive scale

↓

There's a seat in back.

seat

↓

You.

↓

Who are you?

↓

Ethan. Hey, um...

ethan

↓

I owe you an apology.

apology

↓

It's bad enough that I used brute force

brute force used

↓

to search a sorted list, but...

list search sorted

↓

No, Richard. I'm the one

richard

↓

that needs to apologize to you. You're my boss,

apologize boss needs

↓

and the way that I talked to you was completely outta line.

completely line outta talked

↓

I'm just feeling insecure about

feeling feeling-insecure insecure

↓

working for a guy that used to work for me.

used working

↓

- Really? - Yeah.

↓

I'm so happy to be here, and...

happy

↓

I'd love to stick around if you'll have me.

love stick

↓

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

course

↓

Great, man. Thank you so much.

↓

Sorry again. Thank you, this is great.

↓

Dinesh, I'm really looking forward

forward looking looking-forward

↓

to finishing up this project with you and your team.

finishing project team

↓

- Oh, it's whatever, dawg. - Cool.

cool dawg

↓

What did you do to that guy?

↓

- I watched that video. - See? I told you! We're alphas!

video watched

↓

- Fuck yeah! - Fuck yeah.

fuck

↓

Hey, uh, don't show that video to Gilfoyle.

video

↓

Got it.

↓

Fuck yeah.

fuck

↓

- I see it's been handled. - Yes.

handled

↓

Good.

↓

So, I trust there's no more need for any...

trust

↓

No. That won't be necessary.

necessary

↓

Let's hope not.

hope

↓

Can I go now, please?

↓

Very well. Good job on the plate.

plate

↓

Holden,

↓

did you threaten Ethan in some way?

ethan threaten

↓

He was causing problems

causing problems

↓

- for Richard. - Oh.

richard

↓

Well, it's...

↓

it's good to know that he's in good hands.

hands

↓

Don't you have somewhere to be?

↓

Uh... sorry. Um...

↓

It's from Gwart.

↓

"I'm dissolving my company and taking a job elsewhere.

company elsewhere

↓

Your employment is terminated.

terminated

↓

P.S. Those aren't my doll's gloves".

dolls gloves

↓

Oh.

↓

So, then I...

↓

I'm free to return to work with Richard.

free return richard

↓

Your position's been filled.

filled positions

↓

Oh, um...

↓

No, it hasn't.

↓

I'm sorry, what is this?

↓

Russfest. Three days of partying

days partying three three-days

↓

on a plot of land so far out even Nevada barely wants it.

barely land plot wants

↓

What's the newest killer app coming out of Silicon Valley?

coming killer newest silicon silicon-valley valley

↓

Are you Tethical?

↓

No one in town is ever gonna sign

sign town

↓

this hypocrite's hypocritical garbage.

garbage

↓

Hey, Richard, are you signing Gavin's pledge?

pledge richard signing

↓

Aw... what?

↓

I'd like to talk to you about your Piper Pulse.

piper pulse

↓

Your coworkers find you unapproachable,

↓

with an unsettling stare.

stare unsettling

↓

Okay.