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Home » Silicon Valley » S06E03 — Hooli Smokes!

Silicon Valley

Season 6, Episode 3 — Hooli Smokes!

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: Hooli Smokes!

Air date: November 10, 2019

Director: Liza Johnson

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew, Matt Ross

The Pied Piper team races to close a major deal. Dinesh considers being a better person. An angry Jared reluctantly helps Richard.

Source: TMDB

↓

At this point I could stand to be a little perverted.

perverted point stand

↓

Yeah, I wanna be a lot perverted.

perverted

↓

We'll be profitable and up 5X inside three years.

profitable three three-years years

↓

You've got three months.

months three three-months

↓

- What is this? - My resignation letter.

letter

↓

Laurie, what are you doing here?

laurie

↓

I've made myself the CEO of the OwlNet.

↓

This is who you're walking away for?

walking

↓

- This... George R. R.... - No, no, no. No!

george

↓

- Oh my god! - You did this, Richard!

richard

↓

Cheers to our future endeavors together.

cheers future

↓

We will not mine user data.

data user

↓

I was very clear about that.

clear

↓

If you do not take my money, Richard...

money richard

↓

it will be very bad for you.

↓

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -

corrected synced

↓

- A billion dollars? - Yes.

billion billion-dollars dollars

↓

A man offered us a billion dollars,

billion billion-dollars dollars offered

↓

and you said no?

↓

A very bad man, and he would've turned us

turned wouldve

↓

into the worst possible version of ourselves.

possible version worst

↓

I mean, you can't put a price on ethics.

ethics price

↓

But it seems you just did.

seems

↓

One billion dollars.

billion billion-dollars dollars

↓

Monica... you were okay with this?

↓

Y-Yes?

↓

Richard,

richard

↓

do you remember when you turned down

remember turned

↓

$10 million from Gavin Belson?

million

↓

Did that start some sick addiction to turning down money?

addiction money sick start turning

↓

Are you just chasing that dragon, you sick junkie fuck?!

chasing dragon fuck junkie sick

↓

Now, Dinesh, look, if I'd taken that 10 million,

million taken

↓

you wouldn't own two and a half percent

half percent

↓

of everything we've built here!

built

↓

Two and a half percent of a billion dollars is $25 million!

billion billion-dollars dollars half million percent

↓

Yes, but, actually, the billion dollars

billion billion-dollars dollars

↓

was to own ten percent of the company.

company percent

↓

So, not to split hairs, you would, uh, technically,

hairs split technically

↓

be worth... 250 million.

million worth

↓

- Fuck! - Huh.

fuck

↓

At an interest rate of 3.65 percent,

interest percent rate

↓

leaving a billion dollars in the bank would get you

bank billion billion-dollars dollars leaving

↓

$36.5 million a year.

million

↓

That's a hundred grand a day. That's...

grand hundred

↓

- Sixty-nine dollars a minute. - Sixty-nine dollars a minute!

dollars minute nine sixty

↓

Think about all the gold chain

chain gold

↓

you could've bought with that money.

bought couldve money

↓

I actually don't think...

↓

that interest rate is accurate because...

accurate interest rate

↓

- even a 30-year T-bill is only... - Two-point-nine percent.

bill nine percent point

↓

- Two-point-nine. - All your blathering

nine point

↓

just now would've made us $2.32.

wouldve

↓

Again, I-I don't think that's right because,

↓

assuming an APR of three, I cost us well under two dollars,

assuming cost dollars three

↓

so it's not even...

↓

Um, sorry, uh...

↓

- Hello? - Richard!

richard

↓

It's Maximo.

↓

We are on the phone. How are you?

phone

↓

Yeah, I know. I'm fine.

↓

We were just talking about you, myself and Colin.

colin

↓

- Colin? - Oh, yes.

colin

↓

Colin is here.

colin

↓

He is making the peace sign to you.

peace sign

↓

Now, you remember how you refused to take my money?

money refused remember

↓

Well, Colin, he did take my money. So,

colin money

↓

now he is leaving your network.

leaving network

↓

Wait, to go where?

↓

Oh, to the network run by new friend, Laurie Bream.

friend laurie network

↓

Now, you remember when I said if you did not take my money,

money remember

↓

it would be very bad for you?

↓

Well, let me tell you what is going to happen to you next.

happen

↓

Which was too, too, too much for her,

↓

so she went down 51st Street to see Dr. X,

street

↓

who gave her eight pills, which left her...

eight left pills

↓

Boobless.

↓

* Silicon Valley 6x03 * Hooli Smokes!

silicon silicon-valley smokes valley

↓

- So, Colin's out. - Yes.

colins

↓

So, our profits are... zero.

profits zero

↓

It's worse than that.

worse

↓

Maximo has bought all of Laurie's Pied Piper shares,

bought piper shares

↓

as well as all the shares of Big Head's dad.

heads shares

↓

He now owns 30 percent of the company.

company owns percent

↓

So, the only way we can raise money to stay alive

alive money raise raise-money

↓

is by selling shares, but the second we do that...

second selling shares

↓

Maximo buys them.

buys

↓

Yeah, and when he gets a majority stake,

majority stake

↓

he can do whatever he wants.

wants

↓

Shut us down, fire all of us,

fire

↓

take our IP to Laurie to use on her network.

laurie network

↓

He's starving us out.

starving

↓

- How long can we survive? - Well,

survive

↓

the Siege of Candia lasted 21 years.

lasted years

↓

Oh. Well, that's something.

↓

It ended in 1669,

ended

↓

when the Ottoman soldiers were infected with plague

infected plague soldiers

↓

after being attacked with the liquid

attacked liquid

↓

from the spleens and buboes of the dead.

dead

↓

What's a bubo?

↓

Plague-infested lymph nodes.

infested plague

↓

So, they would, like, scoop them out and throw them at people?

scoop throw

↓

Fuck! Fuck.

fuck

↓

Richard, did you just try to punch the wall and miss?

miss punch richard wall

↓

Nope. I clipped it. I got it.

clipped nope

↓

Sort of like that.

↓

I see. So,

↓

until a Richard Hendricks reports an assault,

assault reports richard

↓

I-I technically can't turn myself in for it?

technically

↓

That is correct.

correct

↓

And what about a restraining order?

order restraining restraining-order

↓

Can I-I take one out against myself on his behalf?

behalf

↓

No.

↓

What if I threaten you guys? Just hear me out...

threaten

↓

Fucking pigs. I-I hope that you get cheated out of your overtime.

cheated fucking hope overtime pigs

↓

How about that, dickless?

dickless

↓

Maybe you could just try calling the guy?

calling

↓

Why were you talking to the police?

police

↓

Oh, it was just a personal issue.

issue personal

↓

You should not bring them here.

bring

↓

Fuck the police.

fuck police

↓

Jian-Yang, you're not doing anything illegal here, are you?

illegal yang

↓

Yes.

↓

Where is everyone?

↓

Jared is bringing chaos to the house,

bringing chaos house jared

↓

and chaos is bad for our business.

business chaos

↓

Yeah. What is our business?

business

↓

I told you, it's a better for both of us if you do not know.

↓

Oh, right. Yeah.

↓

We need to get rid of Gwart.

↓

It's the only way to get rid of Jared.

jared

↓

Gwart.

↓

Yes.

↓

Richard?

richard

↓

- Gavin. - You look like shit.

↓

So do you.

↓

What happened to your hand?

hand happened

↓

I punched a wall.

punched wall

↓

Cool.

cool

↓

Want a drink?

drink

↓

Don't you think it's a little early...

early

↓

It's kombucha with ginseng and lemongrass, Richard.

richard

↓

I'm not a fucking hobo.

fucking hobo

↓

All I wanted to do was be a golden millionaire.

golden millionaire wanted

↓

Is that too much to ask?

↓

A millionaire that gets peed on?

millionaire peed

↓

I could see you making half that happen.

half happen

↓

No, you have as many millions as your age.

millions

↓

I mean, everyone in the Valley is swimming in money.

money swimming valley

↓

Why not me?

↓

I believe your people have a concept for it.

believe concept

↓

- Karma. - Firstly,

karma

↓

I am Muslim from Pakistan, you fucking racist.

fucking muslim racist

↓

Secondly, karma does not exist.

exist karma secondly

↓

Otherwise, it would mean that bad things

otherwise

↓

happen to me because I'm a bad person.

happen person

↓

Check... and check.

check

↓

Oh, I'm a bad person?

person

↓

Says the guy who literally worships Satan.

satan

↓

I am a great guy.

↓

In my youth, I would've argued that life is just

life wouldve youth

↓

a series of random events, devoid of any meaning.

events meaning random series

↓

But as a data scientist, I have to recognize

data recognize scientist

↓

that sometimes, patterns emerge.

patterns sometimes

↓

Undeniable patterns.

patterns undeniable

↓

Get right with the universe.

universe

↓

Dinesh?

↓

- Yo! - Hey.

↓

What is up, my cousin?

cousin

↓

- Oh! - Hey, uh, Gilfoyle,

↓

- you remember my cousin, Wajeed? - Yes.

cousin remember

↓

Coz, I have been meaning to call you.

meaning

↓

Remember last year when you wanted to sell

remember sell wanted

↓

all those shares of Bro that I gave you?

shares

↓

And I was like, don't sell those shares!

sell shares

↓

And you were like, "I need the money

money

↓

to buy floor mats for my Tesla, so I can make a guy

floor

↓

named Danny in the office feel bad".

danny named office

↓

Good memory. Um,

memory

↓

but, you know, Bro was basically out of business.

business

↓

It was.

↓

But so wild!

wild

↓

After you sold those shares, I sold Bro to MoveShack

shares sold

↓

for basically nothing, and yesterday,

yesterday

↓

MoveShack got "acquired"

acquired

↓

by Snapchat, and, uh... we crushed it!

crushed

↓

- How much did you make? - Oh, you won't believe this...

believe

↓

_

↓

Sixty million dollars?

dollars million million-dollars sixty

↓

Yes, 60 million dollars!

dollars million million-dollars

↓

I'm a golden millionaire!

golden millionaire

↓

Times two!

times

↓

So, Dinesh sold his shares,

shares sold

↓

and then your fortunes turned around. Is that right?

turned

↓

Huh. Weird. It's just like that time.

weird

↓

Remember, you, me, and Ali, we went down to play by the river...

remember river

↓

- Oh... Boring story. - ... and then, and then Dinesh,

boring boring-story story

↓

you snuck home so that you could get Ali's jump rope

home jump rope snuck

↓

and play with it by yourself,

↓

without telling him,

telling

↓

and then Ali and I found a giant...

found giant

↓

giant box of British candy.

british candy giant

↓

You love candy.

candy love

↓

Oh, it was the best.

best

↓

Anyway, I'm a golden millionaire.

golden millionaire

↓

How about I buy drinks, yeah?

drinks

↓

- Karma's a... - You're a bitch.

bitch

↓

Anyway, the fucking US government

fucking government

↓

blocked the entire thing. Can you believe that?

believe blocked entire

↓

I pay taxes.

taxes

↓

- I mean, I don't, but... - Yeah.

↓

But look, I mean, I think

↓

we're even more fucked than you are.

fucked

↓

We're quite a pair, aren't we?

pair

↓

To us. To the men in the arena,

arena

↓

living or dying under the watchful gaze of Caesar.

caesar dying gaze living

↓

Are you not entertained?

entertained

↓

_

↓

It's, uh, from Jared Dunn. Do you remember him?

jared remember

↓

Of course. How's he doing?

course

↓

Actually, uh, funny enough,

funny

↓

he just bailed on me to go work for some...

bailed

↓

sexy new startup back at my old hacker hostel.

hacker sexy

↓

Ironic. Exactly the same way he left me, for you.

ironic left

↓

Jared always had an eye for talent.

jared talent

↓

Thanks, I guess.

thanks

↓

So, what was the munition

↓

that CIFIUS got on your case for?

case

↓

Some kind of...

↓

- illegal hacking tool? - You wanna hear the worst part?

hacking illegal part tool worst worst-part

↓

It's a fucking dating app called Foxhole.

called dating fucking

↓

- An app? - Yep!

↓

I can't shut it down because my investors will lose their shit,

investors lose

↓

and I can't sell it because who the fuck wants something

fuck sell wants

↓

- with all those restrictions on it? - Right.

restrictions

↓

Anyway...

↓

Here's to us,

↓

the Shackletons,

↓

- betrayed by nature's cruelest whims... - Wait.

betrayed natures

↓

- ... her wants... - Sorry, just...

wants

↓

If I owned Foxhole,

owned

↓

wouldn't that prevent this Chilean guy

prevent

↓

from buying more of my shares?

buying shares

↓

Actually, it would go even further.

further

↓

He'd have to sell all the shares he already owns.

owns sell shares

↓

Okay, so, um,

↓

if you sell me Foxhole, I mean, that would

sell

↓

certainly save my ass, obviously,

certainly obviously save

↓

but it would also save yours

save

↓

because then you could move your operations wherever you wanted.

operations wanted

↓

I mean, it's kind of perfect, right?

perfect

↓

It would benefit us both, equally.

benefit equally

↓

- Holy shit. - Yeah.

holy

↓

Um, look, Gavin, I know we always haven't seen eye-to-eye,

seen

↓

we're not the best of friends, but...

best friends

↓

this may be a chance to actually

chance

↓

help each other out, right?

↓

What do you say?

↓

I mean... isn't it obvious?

obvious

↓

I say... no!

↓

- What? - No!

↓

Fuck no, Richard!

fuck richard

↓

I can't make a move that would benefit you.

benefit

↓

You're my competition. Help no rival.

competition rival

↓

It's one of the basic principles of business.

basic business principles

↓

We just spent the last hour bonding about how

bonding hour spent

↓

this business is comprised of backstabbers and cutthroats.

business

↓

Yes, exactly! That's what this is.

↓

It's a little weird you don't get it.

weird

↓

I could help you, Gavin.

↓

You already have, Richard!

richard

↓

I mean, I was sitting up here feeling

feeling sitting

↓

totally just impotent, and then you came along

along

↓

and exposed your underbelly, and practically begged me

begged exposed practically

↓

to plunge the knife in! I mean, I still have a deep hole

deep hole knife

↓

to crawl out of, but this is a fucking great start.

crawl fucking start

↓

Look at that.

↓

It barely hurts anymore.

anymore barely hurts

↓

Well, if you'll excuse me,

excuse

↓

I have a triathlon to train for,

train triathlon

↓

and I'm suddenly feeling a wellspring of energy.

energy feeling suddenly

↓

Look, Richie,

richie

↓

you're basically outta options.

options outta

↓

So, what are you saying? That...

↓

I just lay down and die?

↓

I take issue with your definition of die, my dude.

definition issue

↓

I can get that Chilean cat on the phone right now and get you paid.

paid phone

↓

There's no shame in it.

shame

↓

Musk built PayPal and sold. Hoffman built LinkedIn and sold.

built sold

↓

You seen those guys lately?

lately seen

↓

I don't care about the money, that's not why I got into this.

care money

↓

Richie, can I be honest with you for once?

honest richie

↓

For once? You're my attorney.

attorney

↓

You remember the end of Thelma and Louise?

louise remember thelma

↓

How they drove that car off the cliff?

cliff drove

↓

Why? That was a mint '66 T-Bird.

bird mint

↓

They didn't need that car to get over the cliff.

cliff

↓

Why'd that car have to die?

whyd

↓

I-I think it had something to do with, um,

↓

- women's rights or something? - Important stuff.

rights stuff womens

↓

But... sorry, what's your point?

point

↓

My point, Richie,

point richie

↓

is you wanna go over the cliff, Thelma, that's fine.

cliff thelma

↓

All right? You do you.

↓

But you gotta remember there are 500 other people

remember

↓

in the trunk that are gonna burst into flames with you.

burst flames trunk

↓

And for what?

↓

Computers?

computers

↓

That's Jared. He's been calling me all day.

calling jared

↓

Uh, hey, can I call you back? I'm in the middle of something.

middle

↓

Did you talk to Gavin Belson about Gwart's company,

company

↓

and call her sexy?

sexy

↓

Uh, what? No.

↓

I mean, yes, but I barely mentioned it.

barely mentioned

↓

Did you call her sexy? Yes or no?

sexy

↓

I think I was more talking about her tech.

tech

↓

So, you told Gavin Belson,

↓

a lion in repose,

lion

↓

that Gwart was a potential threat,

potential threat

↓

and now Jian-Yang is selling us to him for pocket change.

change pocket selling yang

↓

- Jian-Yang can do that? - Yeah.

yang

↓

He owns 60 percent of the company. He can do whatever he wants.

company owns percent wants

↓

Gavin is shutting us down, Richard.

richard shutting

↓

Gwart is so mad, she won't even look at me.

↓

- Aah, fuck. - You know, if you want revenge

fuck revenge

↓

on me, that's fine.

↓

But to go after Gwart?

↓

She doesn't have

↓

your savvy or your ruthlessness, Richard.

richard savvy

↓

Hell, she has to wear earplugs on hikes

wear

↓

because the forest is too loud.

forest loud

↓

Look, I was only talking to Gavin to save Pied Piper.

piper save

↓

I-I had no idea he was...

idea

↓

A monster? Of course you did!

course monster

↓

That's all you talked about for years!

talked years

↓

"Gavin is a monster.

monster

↓

Poor Pied Piper. I'm Richard Hendricks".

piper poor richard

↓

I don't think my voice is that deep.

deep voice

↓

I mean, who is the buddy-fucker now?

buddy fucker

↓

You are the buddy-fucker.

buddy fucker

↓

So, we gonna save that T-Bird,

bird save

↓

or are we gonna take her right over the cliff?

cliff

↓

So, uh,

↓

look, I-I know it's not a billion dollars,

billion billion-dollars dollars

↓

but, um, given the situation...

given situation

↓

it's actually a very good deal.

deal

↓

Do you want to sell the company?

company sell

↓

No, I don't.

↓

Dinesh, I don't, but...

↓

Ron is right.

↓

Maximo is getting it no matter what.

matter

↓

Why just give it away?

↓

Right. Yeah.

↓

Look, anyway, you guys have done...

↓

everything I've asked for, so, uh, you all deserve this.

asked deserve

↓

Well, we can take the money and still be good people, right?

money

↓

Plus, Richard is the CEO,

plus richard

↓

so I have to follow his orders.

follow orders

↓

I mean, no one's ever been a bad person

ones person

↓

'cause they followed orders, right?

followed orders

↓

You guys, there's really no other option.

option

↓

- Yes, there is. - What? No.

↓

Okay, if Hooli won't sell us Foxhole...

sell

↓

we could just buy Hooli.

↓

Right. Yeah.

↓

The-the same way we can buy America and everything in it.

america

↓

No, I-I'm serious. We just found out how much Hooli's worth,

found serious worth

↓

and it's not that much.

↓

Sorry, how do we know how much Hooli's worth?

worth

↓

Gavin bought Gwart's company using Hooli stock?

bought company stock using

↓

Mm-hmm. And when he did, he tipped his hand.

hand tipped

↓

He really ran it into the ground.

ground

↓

Yeah, and Maximo's offer's so strong

offers strong

↓

that our price just shot up.

price shot

↓

Holy shit. We're worth more than Hooli.

holy worth

↓

Uh, hey Jared, uh,

jared

↓

- thank you for... - Save it.

save

↓

I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for Gwart.

↓

The second you own Hooli, you release us

release second

↓

to become independent, non-negotiable.

become independent

↓

Of course. Sure, yeah.

course

↓

If that's what you want. Cool.

cool

↓

So, guys...

↓

are we really doing this?

↓

Fuck it. Yeah.

fuck

↓

I think we have to.

↓

We have to sleep on it.

sleep

↓

Okay.

↓

We're gonna buy Hooli.

↓

Big question,

question

↓

- how do we buy Hooli? - Well,

↓

in order to get the cash, we have to sell a chunk

cash chunk order sell

↓

of our shares to someone other than Maximo,

shares

↓

and, I mean,

↓

whoever we rope into that is gonna lose a fortune.

fortune lose rope

↓

- Because... ? - Well, we'd be selling to them

selling

↓

at our current high price.

current price

↓

And when we acquire Hooli and Foxhole,

↓

CIFIUS will force Maximo to dump all his shares,

dump force shares

↓

and our valuation will plummet.

↓

And I couldn't do that to anyone.

↓

Oh? Couldn't you?

↓

Yeah, I-I'm not sure I could do it either.

↓

Okay! Deal breaker then, right?

breaker deal

↓

'Cause there's no one I could do that to either.

↓

Oh, isn't there...

↓

bro?

↓

Oh, God damn it.

↓

You want me to be an investor in your company?

company investor

↓

- I do. - Wow,

↓

that-that is so cool.

cool

↓

But I don't know why I'm surprised because

surprised

↓

you're literally the greatest guy that I know.

greatest

↓

- What? - Yeah! I mean,

↓

literally last week, Farooq was calling me, and he was like,

calling week

↓

"Hey, you know who's a good guy?"

↓

And I was like, "My cousin Dinesh!"

cousin

↓

And he was like, "Yes. Yes, your cousin,

cousin

↓

- Dinesh". - That's me.

↓

It's hard for me to say,

hard

↓

but I-I think we should hang out more, okay?

hang

↓

And that's my fault, and I promise that I will call you

fault promise

↓

as soon as me and my friends get back.

friends

↓

Where you guys going?

↓

Oh, we're just gonna go down to the North Shore

north north-shore shore

↓

because...

↓

... I bought 80 acres in Hawaii, bro!

acres bought hawaii

↓

And the beach is, like, pretty private or whatever,

beach private

↓

but there's, like, fashion shoots and supermodels...

fashion shoots

↓

Just sign it.

sign

↓

Thank you, triathletes, for being here today

today

↓

to support a wonderful cause, HooliCares.

support

↓

Hooli cares.

cares

↓

Do you?

↓

Take your marks.

marks

↓

He's in the water.

water

↓

You sure?

↓

I cracked into Gavin's HooliWatch.

cracked

↓

Don't ask me how I did it.

↓

I've got real-time GPS location,

location real

↓

blood pressure, body temperature, heart rate.

blood blood-pressure body heart heart-rate pressure rate temperature

↓

I can even see where he is in his menstrual cycle.

cycle

↓

Looks like a good day to fuck him.

fuck

↓

So, I guess we're gonna talk all damn day?

↓

- That the play? - Uh, no. No.

↓

We're calling him, okay? So...

calling

↓

- let's do this. - Okay. 'Cause it just seemed like...

seemed

↓

Lex Skelton. Hey, uh, it's, um, Richard Hendricks.

richard

↓

I'd like to ask for you to call

↓

an emergency meeting of the Hooli board of directors.

board directors emergency meeting

↓

Flank that little fucker in the black cap!

black flank fucker

↓

Uh, we've tried to, uh,

tried

↓

contact Gavin Belson,

contact

↓

but, uh, he hasn't responded.

responded

↓

We do, however, have a quorum.

↓

Let's proceed.

proceed

↓

Great. Well, I would like to present you

present

↓

with an offer, and, uh, judging by the current state of Hooli,

current judging offer state

↓

I think you'll find it very interesting.

interesting

↓

All right, according to the company charter,

according company

↓

Gavin Belson does have two hours to formally object.

hours object

↓

Right. Yeah, two hours,

hours

↓

so...

↓

That's no problem at all.

problem

↓

You've seen my offer,

offer seen

↓

but unless everyone agrees to sell,

agrees sell

↓

there's no deal because I need

deal

↓

total control of the company.

company control total total-control

↓

- So, who's in? - Richard,

richard

↓

I expect a lot of us are on the fence here.

expect fence

↓

Personally, I've been with Gavin for a lot of years,

personally years

↓

and believe...

believe

↓

Oh.

↓

Everyone?

↓

All right. I suppose I won't stand in the way then.

stand suppose

↓

Okay!

↓

Good, yeah. I'll just email you

email

↓

the long form, and you can just eSign...

form

↓

eSign? No!

↓

We don't do that.

↓

- What? - Never have, never will.

↓

You want this deal to close,

close deal

↓

you bring us the forms, get everyone's hard signature,

bring everyones forms hard signature

↓

and then bring them to me to countersign.

bring

↓

Is that a problem?

problem

↓

No.

↓

More push, more push, more push!

push

↓

Whoa, he just sped up!

whoa

↓

There's been some lag, but I think he's on the bike.

bike

↓

- Okay, we gotta hustle, guys. - I'm aware.

aware hustle

↓

All right, everybody know where they're going?

everybody

↓

You go, you get the signatures,

↓

- we meet at Lex's offices, yeah? - Yeah.

meet offices

↓

Okay. Quick, quick.

quick

↓

Come on, come on, come on!

↓

Go, go, go!

↓

One down.

↓

The next one's up on Market.

market ones

↓

Just up this block and take a right.

block

↓

Is that what the GPS says?

↓

- N-no, I... - Okay, do you wanna drive?

drive

↓

- No, Jared. Look... - I'm Terry Gross.

gross jared terry

↓

- Look, should we maybe talk about... - My guest is

guest

↓

a medical bioethicist who learned about

learned medical

↓

opioid dependence the hard way.

dependence hard

↓

You know, I really ought to consult with my wife

consult ought wife

↓

before I make such a big financial decision.

decision financial

↓

You're really gonna let a woman tell you what to do?

woman

↓

Over here!

↓

Oh, thank you.

↓

Almost done here.

↓

Gavin's just starting the run.

starting

↓

His blood O2 is dog shit.

blood

↓

- Plan J, sir? - Plan J!

plan

↓

Jay!

↓

You are my spitting image.

image spitting

↓

I'll meet you a quarter mile from the finish line.

finish finish-line line meet mile quarter

↓

Go, go, go, go, go!

↓

I still got it, Hoover.

hoover

↓

I know you do, sir.

↓

As long as Jay doesn't fuck up,

fuck

↓

I'm gonna beat my personal record.

beat personal record

↓

Let's see, we started at 10:00,

started

↓

and now it's...

↓

I gave Jay my watch.

watch

↓

The fuck?!

fuck

↓

Turn around! Turn around, Hoover!

hoover

↓

Yes, sir.

↓

Mother fuck!

fuck mother

↓

- So, you've got them all signed, have you? - Yeah.

signed

↓

And you can just, uh, countersign all that, and-and,

↓

your form to sign is at the end there.

form sign

↓

Do that, and we'll be out of your way.

↓

Fresca.

fresca

↓

Ah.

↓

Let's have a look-see, huh?

↓

"To whom it may...

↓

concern".

concern

↓

Okay, and actually, the signature page...

page signature

↓

- I've done these things before! - Yep.

↓

No, I know. I know.

↓

What do you mean not to be disturbed?

disturbed

↓

I just got a million texts that he's about

million texts

↓

to sign away my whole fucking company!

company fucking sign whole whole-fucking

↓

It's Gavin fucking Belson, you clattering magpie!

clattering fucking

↓

Hello?

↓

Fuck!

fuck

↓

We need to get to Lex's. Now!

↓

All right. Seven down,

seven

↓

one to go!

↓

Yep. Yeah, just finish signing

finish signing

↓

that form there, and we will...

form

↓

Stop! Lex, stop!

↓

Gavin?

↓

- Huh? - I thought he was in the race.

race

↓

- Gavin. - Yeah, he is.

↓

Looks like he's waiting about a mile from the finish line.

finish finish-line line mile waiting

↓

Oh.

↓

You are a sneaky little gladiator, aren't you, Richard?

richard sneaky

↓

But the Hooli charter, which I wrote,

wrote

↓

gives me the right to block this transaction.

block gives transaction

↓

Uh, no. It doesn't.

↓

Yeah, that's right. You, uh,

↓

you had two hours, which lapsed...

hours

↓

Seven minutes ago.

minutes seven seven-minutes

↓

I'm afraid they're right.

afraid

↓

Shit.

↓

Okay, fine! I can't block it!

block

↓

But come on, Lex! We have a history together!

history

↓

You wrote the very first check to Hooli.

check wrote

↓

You're not gonna turn your back on 30 years

years

↓

of making money together, are you?

money

↓

I know we're not in the strongest position right now,

position strongest

↓

but I will fight my way back, that's what I do.

fight

↓

I-I kick and I scrap and I-I play dirty.

dirty kick scrap

↓

Anything to win! I-I-I could've

couldve

↓

bailed Richard out, but I didn't! I fucked him!

bailed fucked richard

↓

And then, I fucked over...

fucked

↓

"world poker tour" there!

poker tour world

↓

Just for the spite of it, just because I could!

spite

↓

Look, forget all the bullshit about

bullshit forget

↓

making the world a better place.

place world

↓

The most valuable companies in this valley

companies valley valuable

↓

were built and run by-by savages,

built savages

↓

who cheat to win. Zuckerberg, and Jobs,

cheat jobs

↓

and me, Gavin Belson.

↓

So please, Lex, put the pen down.

↓

Leave your money where it is.

money

↓

If this is a competition

competition

↓

to find out who the shittier person is,

person

↓

I'm not sure it's something that I can add to.

↓

I can.

↓

- Dinesh? - This must be said.

must

↓

Gavin, you think you're the most spiteful guy in town,

town

↓

but you're not even the most spiteful guy in this room.

room

↓

The truth is...

truth

↓

I'm a bad person.

person

↓

How do you think we got the money for this deal?

deal money

↓

I lied to my cousin's face.

cousins face lied

↓

He is going to lose $40 million, give or take,

lose million

↓

plus his estate in Hawaii... I hope.

estate hawaii hope plus

↓

See?! I suck!

suck

↓

Did you know that instead of breaking up with a girl

breaking girl

↓

that scared me, I called the FBI and sent her to prison?

called prison scared sent

↓

- The Teslas. - Right.

↓

I pressured my direct reports

direct reports

↓

to buy Teslas that they could not afford

afford

↓

because I wanted better wheels than a guy named Danny.

danny named wanted wheels

↓

And I was eight years old,

eight eight-years years

↓

I stole my friend Ali's jump rope

friend jump rope stole

↓

and tied it to the back of a truck that drove away,

drove tied truck

↓

and then I told him I had no idea what happened to it.

happened idea

↓

And when he cried himself to sleep,

cried sleep

↓

I ate his British candy and told him

british candy

↓

God took it because he hated him.

hated

↓

- Jesus! - So,

jesus

↓

if this decision is going to come down

decision

↓

to who is the most spiteful, then, respectfully, sir...

respectfully

↓

- Stop! Stop! - ... I would argue...

argue

↓

Just stop talking!

↓

I don't wanna be in business with any of you people.

business

↓

I don't even wanna be in the same room with you!

room

↓

I'm gonna sign this and take my money out.

money sign

↓

Oop! Gonna miss my bus.

miss

↓

Ugh...

↓

Excuse me. Excuse me.

excuse

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

Think you won?

↓

Fuck you, Richard Hendricks.

fuck richard

↓

The Valley is small and the road is long.

road valley

↓

Just keep looking over your shoulder.

looking shoulder

↓

Gentlemen.

gentlemen

↓

And lady... Ow!

lady

↓

Hoover! Help!

hoover

↓

Guys...

↓

Did we...

↓

Just buy Hooli?

↓

Yeah, we did.

↓

Holy shit.

holy

↓

Feels pretty good!

feels

↓

Wajeed is gonna be so pissed at me.

pissed

↓

And mom's gonna kill me.

kill moms

↓

So, I guess, uh, everyone got what they want.

↓

Well, actually, uh, Jared.

jared

↓

Hey, uh...

↓

I just wanna say, like...

↓

I'm really sorry about everything,

↓

and, uh, well,

↓

of course, I'd be happy

course happy

↓

to give you and Gwart your company back.

company

↓

That's obvious. And also, if you...

obvious

↓

needed office space,

needed office space

↓

we'd be happy to have you. Um...

happy

↓

I guess, I don't know, I just... I miss you, man.

miss

↓

Whatever, I don't care.

care

↓

Jesus.

jesus

↓

Yeah, it's sort of his thing.

↓

All right,

↓

well, everybody's gathered out there,

everybodys gathered

↓

- so you should probably say something. - Okay.

↓

Be gracious and don't expect too much.

expect gracious

↓

What are you talking about? I mean,

↓

won't they be happy? I freed them from Gavin.

freed happy

↓

I mean, that's one way of looking at it.

looking

↓

Or, your company just swallowed theirs,

company swallowed

↓

and you fired their founder and CEO.

fired founder

↓

They're probably a little freaked out. They wanna know

freaked

↓

that they're gonna keep their jobs.

jobs

↓

But we don't know if they will.

↓

- Right. - Yeah.

↓

Well, you'll think of something. Just be yours...

↓

- Keep it short. Keep it short. - Yeah.

short

↓

Okay... Okay.

↓

This is a video called Maximizing Alphaness.

called video

↓

You just gotta subconsciously absorb it.

↓

This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

dumbest seen

↓

Fuck yeah.

fuck

↓

It turns out my real parents are alive.

alive parents real turns

↓

So you gave me up to simplify your first class air travel?

class travel

↓

That's a clear row across. A, B, C, and D.

clear

↓

Do we think this photo of Richard is funny?

funny photo richard

↓

He was acting like your boss. You need to assert dominance.

acting boss dominance

↓

Ah!

↓

It's complicated. You're the only one who got hurt.

complicated hurt