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Rick and Morty

Season 7, Episode 3 — Air Force Wong

TMDB episode metadata
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Before we move off this topic, can I ask if you’re currently a hologram?
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Hold on. One sec.
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Left a bag of Funyuns down there last week.
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Didn’t want to waste our time. Okay, let’s do it. Therapy me.
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- Maybe we should turn off the phone. - President of the United States.
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Thought you might think that was cool.
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You like it when people think you’re cool?
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You’re extra analytical today.
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- Looking to remodel your kitchen? - Sanchez! I know you’re in there!
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When I call you directly it’s an emergency.
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I was in therapy. Don’t stigmatize mental health.
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How rude of me. Hello,
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- I’m President Andre Curtis. - Yes, I recognize you.
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Oh? How nice.
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It’s not nice to recognize a president, can we go?
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In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Erie
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and replaced her bones with titanium.
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She was then bit by several werewolves,
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giving us the ultimate anti-submarine weapon.
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Got it.
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But the Soviets smuggled in a leprechaun,
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who turned Nessie’s bones to silver, giving her the were-version of AIDS.
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She sank to the bottom and we assumed she was dead.
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But she was only asleep. Now she’s awake... and hungry.
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You can’t date my shrink.
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- What? Bro, you’re nuts. - Then don’t date my shrink.
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I’m not dating your shrink!
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She probably doesn’t even like me.
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- Stand down, Sanchez! - Tell him to stand down!
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- Would you let him bang your therapist? - I don’t believe in therapy!
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What the hell does that even mean, you don’t believe in it?
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- He’s a scientologist. - Don’t date my shrink!
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- And don’t be a Space Mormon! - Why not?
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It’s silly!
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Sorry, it’s a cheap shot.
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Worship how you want.
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- I like Tom Cruise. - Thank you.
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- Therapy’s working. - Keep it in your pants.
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Welcome back to Mr. Stabby!
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Let’s get another question from the audience!
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Why do people get tickets to his tapings?
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The governor just hit a hundred percent roval rating.
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There’s three billion women on this planet that have nothing to do with me.
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- Can you blame them? - You suck.
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- Wait! Danger! - Wow that’s great, buddy.
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It’s goin’ right on the fridge.
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I appreciate your lending your expertise to this mission, Doctor Wong.
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- Gun? - No thank you.
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I was surprised to receive your call, but excited.
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I haven’t done field work since grad school.
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We think the people of Virginia have become some kind of hippy sex cult.
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I haven’t done that since grad school either.
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Doctor Wong, you are a firecracker!
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Sir, we’ve reached the border.
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Halt!
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I’m so sorry, Mr. President, Virginia is closed to visitors.
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I thought it was for lovers.
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I’m a lover. You guys lovers?
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I appreciate that,
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but the rest of your country doesn’t need Virginia’s love right now.
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You know, the last time a state talked that way,
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- we had to have a whole thing. - And?
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And this time the other side has nukes.
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Let them in.
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- Well done, Doctor. - Call me Helen.
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As you can see, Virginia has no crime, no poverty.
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- All goods are freely given. - Communist bastards.
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- And all goods are freely made. - Communist bastards!
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So what happened? Tell me the secret.
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Well, if I tell you, you’ll tell everyone.
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But if I show you, you won’t have to.
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How unsettling and cryptic of...
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My God, so that’s it?
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You’re all just drunk?
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Sir! It’s some kind of body snatching hive-mind!
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Finally your religion comes in handy!
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No! My only chance at meeting Will Smith!
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Pick up your phone, asshole, when I call it’s an actual emergency!
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Rick?
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- Unity. - Take it easy, take it easy...
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I can explain, just let me get things under control.
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You controlling things is the explanation
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and we agreed you wouldn’t do it where I work.
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The fuck are you spraying me with?
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A new scent I picked up after you left.
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- I call it "Separation." - You concocted a me repellent?
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Does that look like a bad idea?
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Rick, are you in a relationship with the population of Virginia?
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We dated.
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I just want to talk.
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I’m pretty sure you have trillions of cell phones.
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No, come back, let’s talk!
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Thank god you had a crack team with you.
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- Where’s Helen? -"Helen?"
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She initiated first name...
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Call in a chopper! I’m being cock blocked!
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Rick! It’s me.
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I was released from Unity.
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Cool, so you won’t mind if I spray this.
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Wel... I won’t, but we’re surrounded and Unity knows your reload time.
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I really believe you and Unity should talk.
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How would you know? You’re just a nutritionist.
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When you work in nutritionism as long as I have, you get a certain feel...
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Calm down. We came because we’re worried about you.
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- Why? - We hear things, Rick.
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I tried calling but... is it true you’re looking for...
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him again?
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You almost died last time.
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- That’s none of your business. - You’re our business.
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You quit that business! And you’re fired from that business!
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And I’m using your last paycheck
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to cover the stapler you stole which was my heart!
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Civil War, baby!
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Sorry. That was supposed to be suppressive.
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Rick, wait!
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- Thank you, Andre. - Thank you, Helen.
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It’s time to put these bastards on ice.
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- Cue up the dome! - Yes sir!
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Do you have a dome the size of every state?
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You’ll need a second date for that answer.
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Barf.
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A nation in turmoil tonight as the entire state of Virginia
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continues to be trapped inside an energy dome.
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The White House released a statement dismissing
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the President’s shouts of "Civil War, baby."
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as hyperbole. Shonda, what do we make of that?
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- More like Hyper Bully, Tom. - Shit. Shonda came to play.
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This President has been in office for how many alien invasions?
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Not to mention the mutant turkeys,
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the abandoned White House orbiting our planet,
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the eco-conscious dinosaurs...
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Then he sees Virginia
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with its perfect economy and synchronized lawn mowing,
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so he shoots them and puts them in a dome?
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- Classic Curtis. - Will someone mute the god damn news?
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If I want a list of my failures, I’d dig up my mother.
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I’m... sorry, that’s a turn off, right?
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Guy screaming about his mother in a war room?
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Sanchez! America hates your dome! How long is it going to be up?
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Hope you marked that. It was his dome in the chopper.
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Now it's mine. It will contain that part of Unity until I shut it down,
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because... one of us here, Knows how to set boundaries.
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Rick, I agree that my accepting this mission was inappropriate,
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- when I was invited, I didn’t know... - That he was hitting on you?
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I was aware of potential romantic motivations.
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And I was open to them.
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But I did not know you and I would be crossing paths.
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You mean you didn't care. Because on one hand,
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you got professional ethics,
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and in the other hand you got world-famous schlong.
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- Now I get to beat you. - Bring it...
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Alien vessel approaching Earth! It’s hailing us!
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- Put it through. - I don’t work for you.
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You couldn’t, you suck. I’ll do it.
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Mr. President.
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Lady, you bring that ship to America’s planet,
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I’m launching four thousand warheads.
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Three thousand of which will turn out to work.
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Then I’ll call China and you’re really fucked.
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Let’s listen to Unity.
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- Are you still here? - Are you?
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If I wanted Earth, I would have taken it.
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- Bullshit. - Gimme a break.
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You cut eight million pieces of me off. It hurt.
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You’ve made it clear we can’t be friends, Rick,
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but I need to reconnect those people so I can properly release them.
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They’re hosting a mindless collective, if it connects to another mind,
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- it could become its own colony. - You made a Powerpoint?
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I needed you to understand how serious this is.
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- I can handle it. - We got the spray, bitch!
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Don’t talk to them like that.
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- Rick, do you not trust Unity? - Shut up.
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- Apologize. - Eat me.
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- Do you not trust me, Rick? - Who would?
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Let Rick answer.
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- Baby, I know you want to help, but... - ...Andre.
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- I think we need to move slower. - Slower?
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I haven’t even touched you and you’re already back seat war rooming.
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- Andre. - Helen.
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- Rick? - I don’t trust you.
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You ghosted me to focus on your work.
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Your work is absorbing the universe.
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But it’s my universe. Please go.
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We’ll spray the Virginians before they touch anyone.
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I’m sorry you lost a finger,
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but that’s the price of surprise butt play. Goodbye.
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Goodbye.
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Alien vessel is departing.
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Good job, people,
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I’ll run the aerosol cannon from the chopper,
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we need the optics. Send out a press release.
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"President sprays Virginia with the opposite of bullets."
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Write it better than that.
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You riding shotgun or you staying butt hurt?
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Suck my dick and lose my number. You too.
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If you invite me to the wedding I will shit in the punch.
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He’ll be back. What would you like for dinner?
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I’m not interested in taking this further.
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What? Why? That’s insane. How can you be a therapist and insane?
8352c47e-df66-4117-befd-3706ca78e5fb.gif
Since you’re asking for feedback,
e976d3af-ba4b-40f9-8a8a-0b0397e515cc.gif
my sincere advice is that you overcome your need for approval.
fd560fb9-c8f0-4246-a2f3-b6ea154ac577.gif
Okay, you want to play it that way?
6519e141-c1a7-488b-a5a3-63f02e507f7e.gif
There’s an exit tunnel by the ladies room.
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It gets lots of use!
d8844ebb-58e2-4528-9ea5-898d805bd671.gif
And not just by sex workers!
6f253aa6-e77f-4f65-a8b0-062e4347673a.gif
Can you at least tell security I did the dumping?
9022296a-4f82-4cd3-bb79-6f5a167bc83f.gif
- You okay? - Yes.
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The news said Virginia was a hive... mind.
7579a6de-5428-4497-b168-57c91df48341.gif
Yes.
e3926e3c-c476-48d3-9825-6cfc6f921c70.gif
- Was it... - Yes.
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My god, dude, whatever,
ff8ef243-6f2c-485f-a0c6-e1ba5c02554a.gif
when’s the last time you saw your therapist...
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- Today. - Well, then she sucks!
86f5bdd7-1bf6-4319-8b45-bd8ecbfa3c8f.gif
- No Shit! - Well stop yelling at me!
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- I need boundaries! - Well here's a big one, fuck face!
d24e3f87-6fcf-4598-97a9-430c14273789.gif
Sorry.
863351f4-d8c9-40fc-946e-c2396c2d49e9.gif
Arriving at the dome, sir.
11f84a6f-4820-4349-b814-906cf22563f5.gif
Good! I don’t need anybody!
e77465ce-76f5-4cbb-b2e3-286a2ae0f046.gif
- What? - What? I said good!
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Tell me when we’re there!
95cb567c-41f3-412a-8498-a400448ebc52.gif
- We are! - Roger that!
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Just gonna see how we’re looking!
ba075432-bd40-4c2c-996f-496a64a8460a.gif
And there’s Helicopter One with the forementioned gas,
b70704ee-c6d0-4f7c-965f-bf6d6e924aa8.gif
and you can actually see President Curtis inside,
da155262-5877-4eba-b233-323f551fdec8.gif
checking his phone to see if this will make people like him.
694ecda9-18f4-484b-8ab0-ddc98dd0b81a.gif
There he is frowning now, of course, as he realizes no amount of spectacle
b046a52e-2f8a-4ab5-824b-428f67376181.gif
is going to undo his last debacle. Shonda?
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Not Shonda, she hates me.
1b38981b-9a37-452a-a849-f717bee2e058.gif
It’s true, Tom, I mean, yes,
81fb921e-87e2-434d-8df6-f2482fc7220d.gif
President Curtis is going to release Virginia from yet another alien threat,
af8cec25-41f4-4d38-b6fa-e42b6d7a4ffc.gif
but when they are free to speak their minds,
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Deactivating dome, sir!
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The fact is, nothing short of literally a one hundred percent approval rating
dc048d5e-26e2-4ec7-b750-89d6ee50b81b.gif
is gonna save Curtis in the next election.
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Let her rip, sir!
78b37eac-b5b2-4bf1-b438-08c15c0adc29.gif
One hundred percent approval.
856eed7b-a60a-4684-b438-9605e77a46aa.gif
Whoopsie! I’ll be right back!
e244ddf5-88d3-418a-aa40-21d18e12af12.gif
- Sir! - I just gotta get the thing...
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How is that going to work?
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Give it to me. Give me that hive!
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Mother forgive me. Just forgive me. I need it.
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- Holy....Shit! - Shit!
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Loved ones are gathered here to reunite with the captives,
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who appear to walking, quite eagerly, and now running,
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in perfect unison, toward them, such a beautiful scene, everyone kissing.
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And now everyone that got kisses is kissing everyone else.
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Heartfelt, almost disgusting kisses,
16070833-5a47-495e-bad0-cae22aaa0991.gif
the wave of affection is headed in all directions, hello, sir...
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The President has saved us. He’s the best President,
797a0d8b-1530-4d31-b51c-8497ad1fbb9e.gif
the best man, really, ever, his mother was wrong.
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Did somebody close the lady tunnel?
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- Hey, Rick, was Unity - - She’s gone and I don’t care!
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I think she’s back.
abf211bd-298b-4769-9156-547de0d3586f.gif
Someone order cranky dick?
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- I said I was sorry. - No you didn’t.
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I said it quietly, shut up.
b1a23795-ba1b-4a54-942d-db529e91299f.gif
puked on everyone in the country?
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It’s simple, News Man. They puke in love of President.
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We approve of the President. Everyone does.
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Sorry, Governor but you’re making me bring Shonda into this.
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Thanks, Tom. Governor,
a997eb01-4d8b-48b2-a73e-c035aa9cd977.gif
I can assure you that no matter how you personally may feel...
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Good president. President good good good.
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Are you okay? Josh just vomited into your mou...
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I get it now. What a President!
0c400b44-c04e-47ab-ab10-a9f8c66a9514.gif
- Approval here! - President approved!
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I thought Unity promised to never do this.
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That’s not Unity.
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- You kids stay inside and lock up. - Dad’s still out shopping.
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Then stay inside, lock up and plug your ears.
131ccb89-79d5-45cc-9130-6380cb1297ca.gif
Where are you going?
49cad1f7-df2f-476d-9a16-61c4fe4fbb29.gif
Therapy.
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Thank God.
4304b159-8737-4b04-9648-268188725c1d.gif
You’re rehired.
da04ba0d-a212-49d0-a0a8-fa57c4df24a5.gif
- Is that Unity? - It’s your boyfriend.
250fc4aa-cea9-491c-a92f-11b81374f968.gif
He must have linked with the severed hive-mind.
4bc052f7-ef56-48ec-8330-4fecadb9a64c.gif
He’s going to assimilate the earth faster than I can fight it.
f7d5ccbb-35a2-4125-8892-6429c148f517.gif
- And you want me to talk to him. - There’s no talking to him.
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No human mind can keep itself together while controlling millions of people.
32b31a42-e974-4999-81db-30759f4b6aea.gif
- So where are we going? - I need Unity’s help.
274be873-9dbb-443f-a575-6735b655b9bf.gif
So you need to convince her I’m worth it.
af14e31d-0e61-4a12-940e-6c2e67425491.gif
- You aren’t. - So lie.
eb60b460-f72f-4e3e-82ee-c72cc4cbdd3a.gif
Inbound vessel detected.
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- Tell him to turn around. - Tell me in person.
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- I’m already here. - God damnit.
c0278fad-e9cf-4d45-8ec3-9bc831e596b0.gif
- But your ship was just... - You have your gimmicks, I have mine.
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This is my therapist, she can vouch for me.
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We met. She was me for a second. What do you want, Rick?
a4702eb4-ed09-441e-b339-2d2c8013b7b2.gif
Look, it’s clear you weren’t lying
059864ca-cf4c-4c09-ab05-d58b8ba823de.gif
when you said you could’ve taken over Earth
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because your finger just took over America.
a353f366-fb9a-4292-84d1-737983896f4e.gif
I need you to help me fix that.
ebc33209-c885-45e1-8898-525eae7bef1f.gif
- It took that to make you believe me? - Why should I believe you?
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You show up unannounced and hijack a state.
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I called you! Multiple times!
83a01db7-ec58-482f-95db-0fc0cc11511c.gif
You ghosted me.
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Rick, is that true?
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She dumped me, why would I answer her calls?
e5dc0ec1-6076-42c7-a8ab-2a9c7ea5a0d9.gif
Alright, I’m gonna commit a cardinal sin in couple’s therapy here, but Rick,
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- I think you’re wrong. - Bringing you was a mistake.
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You had an outer space lady who was worried for your life
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and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem.
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Thank you.
a06a1dfe-dd0b-4e80-8f5b-fbaec72c6f96.gif
Now you’re asking her to both forgive you and solve it?
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Unity, I think the reason Rick brought me here is
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that he doesn’t know how to indicate to you he’s changed,
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because he’s changing very slowly.
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But he is.
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Alright, anyone else wanna call me a baby?
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Maybe we can drag this out until Earth is fully assimilated?
95481b2d-ad24-479a-bd03-efd404789663.gif
Alright, so you’re asking for an invasion.
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Hold ‘em back! They love me, they just forgot!
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They just forgot! They just forgot!
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No! Stop! You love me!
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Why’re you stopping?
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I’ve won you over?
e72c5219-c049-4739-bcd4-36aef5c4972e.gif
Good! You’re here!
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Unity, kept them warm for you.
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They went a little crazy but, anyway, seems like this is all over.
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Helen, we could grab some coffee?
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Wait Unity, what are you doing?
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Alright, Rick, that’s everyone.
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Nice job, Une.
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Well. This has been quite a session.
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Hope you do group discounts.
1632946c-b818-4d19-aec4-f494c8d98223.gif
Actually, just send the bill to the White House.
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I wouldn’t be doing this for anyone else, Rick.
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It was nice to team up again.
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No, I mean I wouldn’t be doing it.
e81cfffe-34af-4aa1-89b0-8691862a2e2c.gif
I’ve never released hundreds of millions of people before.
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This is gonna suck.
61f376d8-fce9-459f-afd4-1f6579628d8f.gif
Here... it’s over. Nice job, Une.
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I’m fine.
b8d9162e-747f-4faa-8422-9eefb21ff17e.gif
You want a painkiller?
6a57f89e-edaa-462f-8677-971b2bb3fdc6.gif
I’m on a few of them right now.
fe309cbb-47d9-4037-b32f-660b53999f1e.gif
No thank you.
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I mean, you can hang out if you want,
e4edafe7-132f-40dc-a6f8-4cae715df757.gif
come see the kids,
6264d176-8a57-4004-ad72-8081957380ef.gif
I trust you now.
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That’s nice but I don’t trust you.
edab038d-2f46-4ee3-9900-6f7ca2b0f763.gif
Fair enough.
587e6f41-8dd0-4705-9ca2-583d3484bf96.gif
Hey Rick, it’s Unity.
91f19725-7b1d-46fe-b2a7-728c08e319c9.gif
Give me a call, okay?
222d70c8-08e6-4f4e-916e-2c2bcd078aad.gif
Hey Rick, Unity. Look, cards on the table,
22d6b91a-4192-4913-8489-2f3fbe765728.gif
I heard you were going after that guy again.
8268c399-9c30-44ae-a15e-fc7ca8656a08.gif
Just made me worried, give me a call.
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Look I get it, I dumped you, you’re ignoring me.
8981339d-169e-466d-ad7e-32d22241a91e.gif
But, I care about you and I just wanna know you’re alright.
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Hey Rick, listen I’m just gonna stop by Virginia, okay?
a1fcce21-59f2-473f-be6a-345dd2b6c7ac.gif
I don’t know what state you live in
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but I’ll camp out there and try to reach you.
866ecc9e-31db-4c27-81a7-ce9e5e096480.gif
Hope you’re okay.
dee9a252-1de4-406f-8ad9-fe42579d039b.gif
Hey, Rick. David Miscavige here.
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Heard you were saying some really great things about Scientology.
cda64245-e77d-4771-8358-5922a694faf6.gif
- If you ever wanna meet Travolta... - And playback.
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You uh, really went all in on that approval?
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Shonda’s gonna eat me alive.
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- Fuck em. - Thanks, Rick.
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Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I might need therapy.
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And we’re back with Mr Stabby.
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What do you say to people who say, "I don’t want to get stabbed.
aaae83ca-9ad4-42f2-9527-b9e8c9345d24.gif
I want to go a show,
71a5c04b-2a02-42c5-90d3-d7b1dfc2bb1d.gif
I have a right to not get stabbed."
bfdcd870-6290-4f35-acc9-f26f04b43eaf.gif
Well, Gary, I have a right to arms and legs.
68a6dcfc-f479-4f55-a477-5e8909e509a9.gif
But I wasn’t born with those.
3ba30bbe-4f54-4290-b654-ce10db25f343.gif
And I don’t think that means I should be
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boxed out of an industry where, let’s face
d2529239-4be0-4051-a72c-3248172a65b8.gif
it, there’s zero representation of people with swords for arms and legs.
0c62b7ad-cdd8-467f-9641-8dfedfd42891.gif
But do you have to take questions from the audience?
e1847d8b-3cd8-4697-a47f-b98c881c78e4.gif
People come to my show because they want the experience.
c246a8b2-2bb3-4ed2-840d-d677534176be.gif
If they didn’t want it, they’d stop coming.
fabea3a7-f0d5-41fc-975b-a6889bf69c19.gif
Your show has resulted in the deaths of 58,000 attendees.
05417080-5a74-4a26-9051-a07b04c2945c.gif
Well, you’re talking about it.