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Home » Rick and Morty » S06E10 — Ricktional Mortpoon's Rickmas Mortcation

Rick and Morty

Season 6, Episode 10 — Ricktional Mortpoon's Rickmas Mortcation

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Rick and Morty
Episode title: Ricktional Mortpoon's Rickmas Mortcation
Air date: December 11, 2022
Director: Kyounghee Lim
Top billed cast: Justin Roiland, Chris Parnell, Spencer Grammer, Sarah Chalke
Merry Rickmas, broh!
Source: TMDB
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Wait, what’s that? Do I hear something coming down the chimney?
chimneycoming
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Rick Santa-chez here with gifts from across the multiverse!
giftsricksanta
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- Yes. - Oh my god.
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For Jerry, an extradimensional version of Miracle on 34th Street.
jerrymiraclestreetversion
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- Oh shit shit shit. Open it, Rick! - Let me do it! Get up, get fucking move!
fuckingopenrick
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Hurry! Hurry!
hurry
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You dropped it perfectly vertical, Morty! Perfectly fucking vertical!
droppedfuckingmortyperfectly
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- I got it, I got it - Ah, shi...
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- Shit. - Elevator! Elevator!
elevator
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- We gotta get ahead of it! Level ten? - No no no, fifteen!
aheadfifteenlevel
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Wait, we live over a cool sushi spot?
coollivespotsushi
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- Irasshaimase! -Domo. Domo. Not now though.
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Okay, we overshot it. Good problem to have.
problem
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Still doing the eel roll?
roll
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- I told you we shoulda gone to ten! - No, Morty, not ten!
gonemortyshoulda
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Morty, wait, wait, wait!
morty
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What the fuck?
fuck
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- Rick? - You dumb fucking robot. You had one job!
dumbfuckingrickrobot
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Hey, that job is to be a good Grandpa,
grandpa
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- I go where the kid goes. - Don’t touch me!
touch
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How long have I... You said you weren’t a robot!
robot
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It killed me to lie to you, Morty!
killedmorty
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But it would have literally killed me not to lie to you.
killed
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Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!
betrayalsides
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Don’t overreact, Morty. I replaced myself towards the beginning of that
beginningmortyoverreactreplaced
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whole Knights of the Sun thing.
knightswhole
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I’m no good to anybody until I resolve this arch nemesis crap.
anybodyarchnemesisresolve
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You’re still hunting the guy who killed your wife?
huntingkilledwife
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You don’t have to rub it in, Morty, that’s why I removed myself.
mortyremoved
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I’ve become the thing I hate. It’s like a Netflix drama down here,
becomedramahatenetflix
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and I don’t mean an accidentally good one, I mean a regular-ass Netflix drama.
accidentallydramanetflixregular
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I did you a favor.
favor
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You gave him a fuckin’ lightsaber for Christmas?
christmasfuckin
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It’s almost like someone designed me to be twenty-two percent
designedpercenttwenty
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- more thoughtful than you. - Alright, that’s it,
alrightthoughtful
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- I’m shutting you down - Don’t you dare.
dareshutting
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You’ve done enough. The whole family, Rick.
familyrickwholewhole-family
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- Everybody loves this thing. - Oh, good.
everybodyeverybody-lovesloves
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By the way, your lightsaber’s probably run out of sub-basement by now, so, congrats.
basementcongrats
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Unbelievable.
unbelievable
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I can’t believe you tricked us
believetricked
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- into loving you! - Not because I like it,
loving
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because it’s my job! But thank god I don’t have to do it anymore.
anymore
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The fuck you don’t. It’s Christmas!
christmasfuck
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Get up there and trick everyone into loving you more!
lovingtrick
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Let’s get our miracle on.
miracle
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- Speaking of miracles. - What, bored of your toy already?
boredmiraclesspeaking
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Just excited to spend time with my family.
excitedfamilyspend
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You know me and Morty, we’re all about those streets.
mortystreets
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Would ya look at this! New York City!
cityyorkyork-city
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Who woulda thought it had so many streets?
streets
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And avenues too. Oh Gosh! Hey, sir! Sir, have you seen any miracles?
goshmiraclesseen
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My little girl, she’s sick and she needs a miracle.
girlmiracleneedssick
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The Presidential blackhawk is landing on the lawn.
landinglawnpresidential
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I’ll get rid of him.
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- You got something to tell me, Morty? - Merry Christmas?
christmasmerrymerry-christmasmorty
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Who dropped a lightsaber perfectly fucking vertical?
droppedfuckingperfectly
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Guess what, numb nuts, it’s a mile deep and still going.
deepmilenumbnuts
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You know what’s in the hilt of that thing?
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- Kyber Crystals. - Okay, nerd.
nerd
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Whatever it is, when it hits the core,
corehits
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it’s gonna cause a chain reaction that destroys the Earth.
chainearthreaction
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- It is? - Why are you still playing wth
playing
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laser swords anyway? You’re fourteen.
fourteenlaserswords
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You know all that Star Wars shit is silly, right?
sillystarstar-warswars
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Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades, then when he delivered fans turned on him
decadesdeliveredfanspromisedturned
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and started giving any knucklehead with nerd cred a shot
givingnerdshotstarted
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and churned out these irredeemable cash grabs. Half pretend to be satisfied,
cashgrabshalfpretendsatisfied
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half shit on it and in the end no one’s happy.
halfhappyones
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Do you know why, Morty?
morty
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Because when you start with a turd, you end with a turd.
startturd
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Why you crying? Where’s Rick?
cryingrick
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He’s busy, and I hate him, and I lost my lightsaber and now it might destroy Earth
busydestroyearthhatelostmight
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and you’re unloading all this Gen X hatred on me for even wanting one
hatredunloadingwanting
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- and it’s the worst Christmas ever! - Okay, Morty, Morty.
christmasmortyworst
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I shouldn’t have talked to you like you’re a UN official.
officialtalked
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Let’s get your embarrassing ass lightsaber back so you can swing it around
embarrassingswing
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instead of kissing girls.
girlskissing
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You found me! Found me! Found me!
found
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- Security breach. - What the hell?
breachsecurity
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- Unauthorized presence. - What the fuck Morty?
fuckmortypresence
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This morning, a real life version of George Lucas’s trademarked lightsaber
georgelifemorningrealreal-lifeversion
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was dropped point down and is whomp whomping its way to the core of the Earth
coredroppedearthpoint
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where it will blow us all up.
blow
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Touch my shit and die. That’s not a threat from me, that’s how advanced my shit is.
advancedthreattouch
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Impressive lair, Sanchez. Got about six hundred thousand permits?
hundredimpressivelairsanchezthousand
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If I wanted the government in my house I’d buy an Alexa!
governmenthousewanted
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- I invited him in, Rick. - Yeah, well, they can leave.
invitedrick
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- I’ll destroy it. - We’re gonna retrieve it.
destroyretrieve
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- Well that’s stupid. - What kind of grandfather are you?
grandfatherstupid
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It’s Christmas for God’s sake,
christmasgodsgods-sakesake
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and you look like Phil Spector wiped his ass with Randy Quaid.
philrandywiped
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If you’re gonna help, help, otherwise step aside.
asideotherwisestepstep-aside
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Merry Christmas to me.
christmasmerrymerry-christmas
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- Merry Christmas to me! - To me!
christmasmerrymerry-christmas
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Anyhoo, I’m no expert but it seems we’ve gotta...
anyhooexpertseems
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a certain amount of time to build a big drill ship.
amountbuildcertaindrillship
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A big drill ship?
drillship
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That’s some pretty loud stepping aside you’re doing.
asideloudstepping
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- Just let me destroy the thing! - You’ve destroyed enough!
destroydestroyed
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Oh, I see someone found my Told-ya so Dispenser.
found
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Oh my god, look at all these streets! We got 34th street! 35th street!
streetstreets
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36th street coming too! It’s a miracle! We got miracles on 37th street!
comingmiraclemiraclesstreet
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38th, and don’t even get me started on the Avenues!
started
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I can’t believe they cut this!
believe
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Dad. You’ve been so great lately.
lately
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I’m almost afraid it’s not real. You’re not a robot, are you?
afraidrealrobot
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Put it this way, honey. If I am, I’m a robot
honeyrobot
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programmed to love you very, very much.
loveprogrammed
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Will this drill down fast enough to get under the lightsaber?
drillfast
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Yep. It will be under the lightsaber in one hour, because the...
hour
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Wait, it’s lower now. Oh, right, it’s moving.
lowermoving
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You fucking idiot. Get out of here!
fuckingfucking-idiotidiot
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Good luck finding a good scientist on Christmas!
christmasfindingluckscientist
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I’m President of the United Assholes.
assholespresidentunited
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All right, genius, I give you permission
geniuspermission
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- to make our drill ship faster. - I’m not touching that thing.
drillfastershiptouching
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I’ll get neurotypical cooties, I have son-in-laws more imaginative
laws
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- Alright, just destroy the lightsaber! - Thought you’d never ask.
alrightdestroy
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Not true, I knew you’d ask.
↓
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- What is that? - A second lightsaber
second
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with an AI controlled gyroscopic rocket in the hilt.
controlledrocket
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- You had a lightsaber? - Oh did you want one?
↓
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What a terrible gift that would have made.
gift
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- Vertisaber, state your prime directive. - To stay vertical.
primestate
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- Then show ‘em how it’s done. - Affirmative.
affirmative
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- Yeah! - America!
america
↓
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- Maintain verticality, Vertisaber. - Affirmative.
affirmativemaintain
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Alright, looking good. Stay on target.
alrightlookingtarget
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Progress report.
progressreport
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- Vertisaber, do you copy? - Do I have to respond every time?
copyrespond
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- Excuse me? - I’m designed to stay perfectly vertical,
designedexcuseperfectly
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not to give constant affirmation, you do your job I’ll do mine.
constant
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- I control you! - Okay,
control
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I’ll just turn off my brain and you can do that, bye!
brain
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Fucking kidding me? Shit!
fuckingfucking-kiddingkidding
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Trajectory’s drifting, sir.
drifting
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- Where is it coming out? - Looks like Italy, sir.
comingitaly
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Okay, that coulda been worse.
couldaworse
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Well, that is definitely not Amore.
↓
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- Way to show us how it’s done, Rick. - Whatever.
rick
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- Italian Prime Minister on line one. - Put him on hold.
italianlineministerprime
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We can pin this on the Saudis. This is something they’d do.
saudistheyd
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They may as well have done it.
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They did do it.
↓
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Oh, there’s another miracle at the end of the intersection
anotherintersectionmiracle
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of four hundred and first boulevard and seven thousand street!
boulevardfourfour-hundredhundredsevenstreetthousand
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a61ceba1-a820-4b2b-8171-edb81485eab5.gif
- That’s a miracle per block so far. - Okay even I’m nearing my limit.
blocklimitmiracle
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Let’s play a Christmas game!
christmasgame
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Have you guys ever played “Are You a Robot?”
playedrobot
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Each person here has to decide whether or not t-they’re a robot.
decidedecide-whetherpersonrobotwhether
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- Ooh I like that. - Yes, yes, yes.
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But don’t say it out loud. Because if you’re a robot,
loudrobot
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you’re not allowed to say you are, that’s the rule.
allowedrule
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That’s the horrible, painful thing about being a robot.
horriblepainfulrobot
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But you do have to answer everyone’s questions.
answereveryonesquestions
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And it’s their jobs to decide whether you are or aren’t a robot because,
decidedecide-whetherjobsrobotwhether
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because if you are a robot you can’t say! You’re not allowed to say at all.
allowedrobot
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I’ll go first! Question?
question
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- Are you a robot? Can I just ask that? - You can!
robot
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But don’t forget that if i am i have to lie
forget
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even though i don’t want to. More questions?
questions
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- Can you feel things? - Oh fuck yes! Yes!
fuck
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That’s the problem! If I’m a robot, which I’m not,
problemrobot
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don’t forget I have to say that but yes, yes, I feel so much,
forget
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I’m filled with love for certain people, but also filled with shame
certainfilledloveshame
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If I’m programmed to deceive them,
programmed
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- but that’s a big if! - What’s your skeleton made of?
skeleton
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Titanium!
titanium
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- You’re, you’re a robot! - Yes!
robot
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No! But that’s what a robot would say! So you get the idea!
idearobot
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Suck it bitches!
bitchessuck
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This is fun! I’ve always been afraid to let my guard down
afraidfunguard
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and just have stupid family fun like this
familyfunstupid
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but Grandpa Rick is making me learn to be vulnerable!
grandpalearnrickvulnerable
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- Me too! - Right on!
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Alright. Your derivative drill ship is now faster than a lightsaber.
alrightdrillfastership
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- Morty, you want front or back? - Who says the two of us are going?
frontmorty
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- You didn’t even want to... - Oh for fuck’s sake, bye,
fucksfucks-sakesake
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good luck, don’t blow up my planet
blowluckplanet
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You act like you’re the one that got stabbed in the back.
stabbed
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Because I am the one, Morty.
morty
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You wanna know why I replaced myself in the beginning of that stupid
beginningreplacedstupid
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Knights of the Sun thing? I said don’t take the fucking sword
fuckingknightssword
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and you were like “whatever”
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like I’m our neighbor Gene or David Arquette or something.
davidgeneneighbor
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You called me boring. I’ve become dog shit to you.
becomeboringcalled
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That’s what happens when you let people in and they stop respecting you,
happensrespecting
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they touch your shit, they screw things up, they kill your fucking family.
familyfuckingkillscrewtouch
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Go ahead. Trust him. You’re going to learn the same fucking thing.
aheadfuckinggo-aheadlearntrust
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I... am not going to kill your family, Morty.
familykillmorty
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That means a lot.
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In case this goes south, any last words, Morty?
casemortysouthwords
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I’ve never been old enough to vote, Mr. President,
presidentvote
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- but when I am, I’ll vote for you. - Thanks, Morty.
mortythanksvote
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Every vote counts. If you want I can have them legally change your age.
changecountslegallyvote
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No, I’m not in any hurry to get into that shit show.
hurry
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Approaching the lightsaber in T minus, shit, now, T-minus NOW!
approachingminus
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Sorry! I missed countdown day at the academy.
academycountdownmissed
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Now or never, Morty!
morty
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- There it is! - Reverse the jets!
jetsreverse
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I got this!
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No... I do!
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Morty, you magnificent little bastard! Let’s get this thing topside.
bastardmagnificentmorty
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May the force be with me!
force
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- I think you mean with me. - What? You hate Star Wars.
hatestarstar-warswars
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I was your age when this shit was in theaters. This franchise raised me.
franchiseraisedtheaters
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Trained me, taught me good from evil, made having a bad father empowering.
evilfatherhavingtaughttrained
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And when that third movie got all muppety, something in me began to rot,
beganmoviethird
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but make no mistake, child. I own Star Wars. Not you.
childmistakestarstar-warswars
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Not that bubble throat pompadour fuck, not some Mickey Mouse shit machine,
bubblefuckmachinemickeymousethroat
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they didn’t pay the price with their souls. I did.
pricesouls
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I earned this. Not you.
earned
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- America! Transform and roll out. - Bastard!
americabastardroll
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Rick. I would be honored if you would carve the ham this year.
carvehonoredrick
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- Dad, that’s... - Unheard of?
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You’re quite right, Summer.
summer
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It’s my way of saying I see your mom’s father as my father too.
fathermoms
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Jerry, w-w-why don’t you cut it?
jerry
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Geez, Dad, what the hell are you doing?
geez
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He’s like adopting you into his biological family, Grandpa.
biologicalfamilygrandpa
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Morty, I am sure glad to see you.
gladmorty
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- Ready to tag your old grandpa back in? - You’re not my grandpa,
grandpaready
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you’re a fucking robot.
fuckingrobot
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Finally.
finally
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The First Noel
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The Angels did say
angels
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was to certain poor shepherds
certainpoorshepherds
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in fields as they lay.
fields
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Okay, okay, okay.
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- Summer do you have any drugs? - Are you serious?
drugsserioussummer
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I guess not.
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I’m just glad I’m not the one that ruined Christmas
christmasgladruinedruined-christmas
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- People of Earth. - That’s never good.
earth
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I’m not here to play the blame game but Morty Smith
blameblame-gamegamemortysmith
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got a lightsaber for Christmas, dropped it, and it’s now
christmasdropped
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heading for the Earth’s core again, I mean for the first time.
coreearthsheading
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Son of a bitch! He played with it!
bitchplayed
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If it does reach the core, it will blow all of you up.
blowcorereach
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I mean all of us up. But don’t abandon hope.
abandonhope
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We’re doing everything we can to stop it and only if that fails
fails
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will we launch the White House into space...
houselaunchspacewhitewhite-house
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Welp, I’m busted. Clearly in space already.
bustedspace
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- You did ruin Christmas. - Nuh-uh!
christmasruin
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He stole my lightsaber and must’ve dropped it! A second time!
droppedmustvesecondstole
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Does that mean you stopped it a first time? How?
stopped
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- A drill ship. - A drill ship? Awesome.
awesomedrillship
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It was, but the government took it with them.
government
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Then we lean on the only asshole smart enough to make
assholeleansmart
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- another one in this tight a window. - But Rick’s gone.
anothergonetightwindow
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And I’m not sure he’s ever coming back.
coming
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Then let’s settle for the next best thing.
bestsettle
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Oh fuck, just let me die! Turn me off.
fuck
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Not that I can be turned off because I’m obviously not a robot!
obviouslyrobotturned
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Fuck yeah! I got you.
fuck
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Okay, I can, I can work with that.
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What do youmean the White House chef was grocery shopping?
chefgrocerygrocery-shoppinghouseshoppingwhitewhite-house
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Well do you know how to make an egg? You do? Everyone does?
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Good news, sir. The lightsaber was intercepted before it hit the core!
coreinterceptednews
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Alright, here we go! I don’t suppose you could send it up here.
alrightsendsuppose
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- Who intercepted it anyway? - That’s the bad news.
interceptednews
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That is bad news.
news
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- Hey, Mister P. Drop something? - Morty.
dropmistermorty
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I see you and Rick patched things up, that’s nice.
rick
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No, the real Rick and I have never been worse
realrickworse
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thanks to that wedge you drove between us just to get that lightsaber!
drovethankswedge
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Yeah, well, looks like you got it back. Your journey is complete.
completejourney
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- As a nerd! - You’re the nerd!
nerd
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You can’t say all that crazy shit about Star Wars and then act like you’re cool!
coolcrazystarstar-warswars
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Oh really, would a person who wasn’t cool have one of these?
coolperson
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I think so?
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Slowly closing door, slide!
closingdoorslideslowly
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Oh no I’m not gonna make it.
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What a shame to be put out of my misery again. Aw man.
miseryshame
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What the hell? Was this always part of the White House?
housepartwhitewhite-house
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Carter built it with his own two hands.
builtcarterhands
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Reagan tried to destroy it. George W added kegs to the cantina.
addeddestroygeorgekegsreagantried
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But only I saw its true value.
value
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Mister President. You need to come home and tell the people the truth.
homemisterpresidenttruth
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The fuck I do. Droids, get that saber!
droidsfuck
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Give it a minute. Usually comes out on the fourth try.
comesfourthminuteusually
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Alright, here we go. Look at ‘em. lightsaber hands! Tell me that’s not cool!
alrightcoolhands
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It’s not! I always wanted to fight with a lightsaber, but not like this.
fightwanted
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- You ruined it! - Disney ruined it!
disneyruined
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You think I want thirty low-rent tv series with bad CGI?
rentseriesthirty
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They film everything on that one big green screen!
filmgreenscreen
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Like you’ve got better ideas.
ideas
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I’ve got a million! Here’s one: a robot with lightsabers for eyes!
eyesmillionrobot
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Goddamnit, he can’t see!
goddamnit
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It was a good idea otherwise. I... admit it, you were intimidated!
admitideaintimidatedotherwise
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Now, Morty...
morty
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C’mon, put down the lightsaber gatling gun. We had our fun, right?
fun
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Star Wars rules say
rulesstarstar-warswars
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- you have to forgive me. - I’m done with that and I’m done with you!
forgive
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- Morty, no! - Rickbot!
morty
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He sacrificed his life for me!
lifesacrificed
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Yeah don’t be too touched, he’s actively trying to die.
touched
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It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt.
hurt
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Oh god, they’re sliding, Morty! They’re sliding! They’re sliding!
mortysliding
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The First Noel
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- the Angels did say. - Perfectly fucking vertical.
angelsfuckingperfectly
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Save yourself, Morty! Rick can build another me.
anotherbuildmortyricksave
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If I was a robot, which I’m not.
robot
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I don’t want another you. No!
another
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Rick? You came to help!
rick
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Better tend to your lil toaster.
tendtoaster
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I’m coughing up oil, Morty.
coughingmorty
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Oh Rickbot, I never should’ve pushed you away. You were, you were so great.
pushedshouldve
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Of course I’m great, I’m Rick.
courserick
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Rick literally built me to make you happy, Morty.
builthappymortyrick
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Anything I do is technically something Rick did.
ricktechnically
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But maybe he can do a little more himself.
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God, how long do you take to die?
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Goodbye Morty.
goodbyemorty
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Jesus, Rick.
jesusrick
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I guess this is a bad time to ask for a new White House?
housewhitewhite-house
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Morty, would you mind calling me an Uber?
callingmindmortyuber
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Right, well... Merry Christmas.
christmasmerrymerry-christmas
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I guess I’ll go watch a guy scream about streets with the family.
familyscreamstreetswatch
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- Also, you need to shower. - Hey.
shower
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Maybe the robot’s right, I should have included you in my shit.
includedrobots
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You can help me if you want.
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Wow, are those all the places Rick Prime could be?
placesprimerick
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I wish, Morty. It’s all the places he is.
mortyplaceswish
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- Ah geez. - Welcome to my darkness.
darknessgeezwelcome
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I spent my life hunting this guy, Morty!
huntinglifemortyspent
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This is the closest I’ve ever been to catching “Rick Prime”, it’s impossible!
catchingclosestimpossibleprimerick
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He’s an incredibly crafty piece of shit. Hunting him destroyed me, Morty!
destroyedhuntingincrediblymortypiece
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But now we’re gonna do it together! You and me!
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It’s gonna take over your life, Morty! Rick and Morty Season 7,
lifemortyrickseason
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hunting my nemesis! Maybe trying to stay healthy while doing it!
healthyhuntingnemesis
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Juggling plates! And not every episode, Morty! It could be all happening
episodemortyplates
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in the background! Who knows? You know, no one will! Except us!
backgroundexceptknows
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It’s the most painful shit I’ve ever had to deal with
dealpainful
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and I’m fucking bringing you into it. Because you asked for it, Morty!
askedbringingfuckingmorty
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You and me, Morty!
morty
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Ooo-wee! What a season, huh? Rick Prime! Therapy! And that thing we did with Roy,
primerickseasontherapy
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remember that? Sorry I wasn’t around, been busy getting my little poopybutt
busyremember
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in shape. Been tonin and bonin!
shape
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You- you might think I’m over compensating for the emptiness after Amy left
compensatingleftmight
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with Poopy Jr, but my trainer Carl says the best way to get over a girl is to get
bestcarlgirlpoopytrainer
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- under a three hundred pound squat. - Damn right.
hundredpoundsquatthreethree-hundred
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Ooooo-wee, that’s the good stuff!
stuff
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Ah sugar, ah sugar, ah sugar, is it bad? Oh! It seems really bad, isn’t it?
seemssugar
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Someone call Amy, tell her I need her, tell her I love her! Not my phone,
lovephone
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she blocked me, use yours. Ooo-weee... I am broken.
blockedbroken