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Home » Super Troopers » S01E01 — Super Troopers

Super Troopers

Season 1, Episode 1 — Super Troopers

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No, man, I'm just saying'-- I'm sayin' if-if you own

sayin

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the beach property, right...

beach property

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- Mm-hmm? - do you own, like,

↓

the sand and the water?

sand water

↓

Nobody owns the water. God owns--It's God's water.

gods nobody owns water

↓

What if someone walks onto your beach, right?

beach walks

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Let's say if you do own it.

↓

No, man, you don't own the beach.

beach

↓

- What you own is sand on the beach, man.

beach sand

↓

Here. Here, man.

↓

- What if there's a naked girl on the beach?

beach girl naked

↓

That girl's not yours. You don't own the girl.

girl girls

↓

- What if she breaks her foot on your property?

breaks foot property

↓

She could sue me.

↓

Sue me! Sue me!

↓

- Oh, shit! Oh, shit! - Holy shit!

holy

↓

Ditch it, man! Ditch it!

ditch

↓

- Dude, can you eat it? - The whole bag?

whole

↓

Fuck it!

fuck

↓

Hey, Mike, um, while you're at it?

mike

↓

- Those are 'shrooms, dude! - Come on, man, just eat it!

↓

Mike, uh...

mike

↓

- I hate to ask, but, uh...for the team? - I can't eat that!

hate team

↓

- No! Throw it out the window! - Okay! Okay! Okay!

throw window

↓

All right, I'm doin' a drop.

doin drop

↓

- I'm goin' for a drop. - Just opening the window.

drop goin opening window

↓

- It's gone. It's gone. - We're cool. It's cool.

cool gone

↓

- Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

fuck

↓

- We're dead! - All right, all right.

dead

↓

Windows down! Windows down!

windows

↓

- Windows down! Put the windows down!

windows

↓

All right, we're cool. We're cool.

cool

↓

God, did you see that?

↓

It must have been, like, a double homicide

double must

↓

or something fuckin' cool.

cool fuckin

↓

- We was freakin' out, man. - Man, I almost had a heart attack.

attack freakin heart heart-attack

↓

Mike, you didn't eat both those bags, did you?

bags mike

↓

- Come and get it.

↓

You must have eaten, like, a hundred bucks worth of pot...

bucks eaten hundred hundred-bucks must worth

↓

- and, like, 30 bucks worth of shrooms, man.

bucks worth

↓

Who's the man?

↓

So, I'm gonna--I'm gonna need 130 buck, you know...

buck

↓

whenever you get a chance.

chance

↓

- Fuck, man. - That-That's not really cool, man.

cool fuck

↓

Is that the same car, man?

↓

- D-Do I look high? - Yeah.

↓

Here they-- Here they come.

↓

- Lick on it. Just lick it or somethin'.

lick somethin

↓

Be cool, be cool.

cool

↓

License and registration.

license registration

↓

Uh, Officer, I know that--

officer

↓

License and registration, please.

license registration

↓

The regis--

↓

- You know how fast you were goin'? - What?

fast goin

↓

- How fast you were goin'? - Uh, 65?

fast goin

↓

- Sixty-three. - Officer, isn't-isn't

officer sixty three

↓

the speed limit 65?

limit speed

↓

Yeah, it is.

↓

- Where you boys headed? - Canada.

boys canada headed

↓

C-Canada. We're goin' over the border to Canada...

border canada goin

↓

- for some french fries and gravy, sir. - Poutine.

french french-fries fries gravy

↓

Canada, huh? Almost made it.

canada

↓

- Are you okay? - Yeah, sure.

↓

- Yes, sir? - Yes, sir.

↓

- Now, did you say, 'Yes, sir'? - I think he said, 'Yeah, sure.'

↓

- What'd you say, man? - Well, I said, 'Yeah, sure,'

whatd

↓

but what, literally, I said was, 'Yeah, sure, sir.'

↓

- So you are okay then? - Yes, sir.

↓

- You smell somethin', Rabbit? - Fear.

fear rabbit smell somethin

↓

Now hand over that registration.

hand registration

↓

Yes, sir. My mother's gonna kill me.

kill mothers

↓

Holy, shit. This is--This is--This is-- Don't look. Don't look.

holy

↓

- Oh, my God. - I don't get it, man.

↓

- Am I fucked up or is this fucked up, man?

fucked

↓

This shit is fuckin' crazy.

crazy fuckin

↓

Shit, man. I was just about to pull out my Nine...

nine pull

↓

and put a cap in that pig's ass.

pigs

↓

- Oh, fuck!

fuck

↓

- Oh, my God!

↓

Shit!

↓

Fuck!

fuck

↓

Pull the vehicle over!

pull vehicle

↓

- I'm-I'm already pulled over, man! - Pull over farther, man!

farther pull pulled

↓

- I can't pull over-- Sir, I'm already pulled over!

pull pulled

↓

He's already pulled over!

pulled

↓

He can't pull over any farther!

farther pull

↓

License and registration, please.

license registration

↓

- But I-I just gave you it, Officer. - License and registration.

license officer registration

↓

You know how fast you were goin'?

fast goin

↓

- Uh, sixty-five? - Sixty-three.

five sixty three

↓

I'm freakin' out, man.

freakin

↓

You are freakin' out, man.

freakin

↓

You want to know why I pulled you over?

pulled

↓

- Littering. - Officer, that-that's not ours.

officer

↓

- Candy bars! - Littering and--Littering and--

bars candy candy-bars

↓

- And, uh-- - Littering and--

↓

Littering and, uh--Littering and, uh--

↓

Littering and, uh--

↓

- Littering and smoking the reefer.

smoking

↓

Now to teach you boys a lesson, Officer Rabbit

boys lesson officer rabbit teach

↓

and I are gonna stand here...

stand

↓

- while you three smoke the whole bag.

smoke three whole

↓

Please, no.

↓

- Please, yes-- - Fuckin'pig!

↓

Mother of God.

mother

↓

Whoo!

whoo

↓

We're in high-speed pursuit of a white Miata

miata speed white

↓

headin' southbound on 2-9-4.

headin

↓

Unit 91, come in, 91. Unit 91, come in, 91.

unit

↓

What are you doing out there, 91? Quit counting your pubes.

counting pubes quit

↓

We got a hell-raiser in a white Miata.

miata white

↓

Ninety-one, are you there? Ninety-one?

ninety

↓

Ninety-one, are you there?

ninety

↓

Hey, good-lookin'. You catch any speeders today?

catch lookin today

↓

- Whoo! - What the fuck!

fuck whoo

↓

- Let's go, 91.

↓

Rabbit, get that gun out!

rabbit

↓

Aw, Mac, you fucker!

fucker

↓

Greetings.

greetings

↓

- You guys are too slow. - You killed my dummy.

dummy killed slow

↓

Mac, now I'm gonna pay you. But I shouldn't, 'cause I knew

↓

it was you the whole time.

whole

↓

Thorny, don't lie in front of the rookie.

front rookie

↓

It sets a bad example.

example sets

↓

- Foster, where are your shoes? - What, are you

foster shoes

↓

the shoe police now?

police shoe

↓

I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar. Let's go.

laps

↓

- Your black magic only works on the rookie.

black magic rookie works

↓

That's brown magic.

brown magic

↓

- Pay up. - When do I get to do that?

↓

You'll get your chance, Rook. Shots?

chance shots

↓

- Yeah. - That's a lot of booze.

booze

↓

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. - I'm impressed.

impressed

↓

Jesus!

jesus

↓

Sorry, boys, you're on duty.

boys duty

↓

- On your tab, Officer Womack? - Rookie, pay the lady.

lady officer rookie

↓

Unit 23. Come in, 23.

unit

↓

Unit 23. Come in, 23.

unit

↓

Do you need me out there? Do you need my assistance?

assistance

↓

- Shut up, Farva. - I can be there--

↓

Listen, we got the Miata. We're okay.

miata

↓

What about those dopers you picked up?

picked

↓

Do you need my assistance?

assistance

↓

The snozberries taste like snozberries.

taste

↓

- Oh, shit! - He killed the cops!

cops killed

↓

- Oh, shit! - He killed the cops!

cops killed

↓

- Get out of the car, man! - This is a cop car!

↓

- Hello. - You boys like Mexico?

boys mexico

↓

Yeeeee-hoooooo!

↓

One, two, three, do it!

three

↓

Oh, go, girlfriend. I'm your mother.

girlfriend mother

↓

Come on, Thorny. You're losing to the rookie.

losing rookie

↓

It's embarrassing.

embarrassing

↓

Come on, Rabbit. You can do it.

rabbit

↓

Oh, Rabbit, he's killing you. I got Thorny in front by a lot.

front killing rabbit

↓

What's the matter, your mama didn't teach you how to chug?

chug mama matter teach

↓

Come on, Thorn. Come on, Thorn.

thorn

↓

- Ohh! - Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

I am all that is man.

↓

- Every time. - Finish it up.

finish

↓

See, there you have it. You're doing it all wrong.

↓

Open your throat, relax the jaw.

open relax throat

↓

Don't forget to cup the balls. You're never gonna win...

balls forget

↓

with those thin little bird lips you got there.

bird lips thin

↓

This guy's got these big old powerful lips.

lips powerful

↓

Am I correct, Thorn?

correct thorn

↓

So much of my authority is derived from the power right here.

authority power

↓

Hey, guys.

↓

Wow.

↓

- Uh, do you have any more syrup? - Sorry, Urs.

syrup

↓

Why couldn't they chug ketchup?

chug ketchup

↓

It's a good thing you didn't order hash browns.

browns hash order

↓

I mean, if they had been chugging the ketchup.

chugging ketchup

↓

You get the score of that Red Sox game last night?

game night score

↓

- I turned it off just after-- - Ah, waiter. There you are.

turned waiter

↓

I will have the enchilada platter with two tacos and no guacamole.

platter tacos

↓

- Smy? - Yeah, Chief, I'll take a chinchilla.

chief

↓

I don't get it. Tacos?

tacos

↓

They think I'm Mexican.

mexican

↓

You're not Mexican?

mexican

↓

Another highway cop? What, are you guys multiplying?

another highway

↓

Yeah, if they can figure which hole to stick it in.

figure hole stick

↓

- Ah, what the fuck?

fuck

↓

- Hey, I saw that! - Sit down, Rando.

↓

That's it!

↓

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! All right, all right!

↓

- Cut it out, you turkeys! - He fuckin' started it!

fuckin started turkeys

↓

I'm sorry, Bruce. These boys get that syrup in them...

boys bruce syrup

↓

they get a little antsy in their pantsy.

↓

You just can't keep them under control.

control

↓

You should keep these dogs on a leash, John.

dogs john leash

↓

Let's go.

↓

* A-number one top gun cadets *

cadets number

↓

* In the name of justice John Q Public can trust us *

john justice name public trust

↓

* Hail to thee dear old Paroon *

dear hail thee

↓

- Hail to thee! - Hail to thee!

hail thee

↓

- Hail to thee! - Hey, all right!

hail thee

↓

Hey, what's up, bone diddlies? Did I miss the song?

bone miss song

↓

Sing it again, rookie bitch.

bitch rookie sing

↓

Farva.

↓

- Forgot the coffee. - My bad, Cap.

coffee forgot

↓

All right, all right. Let's get started.

started

↓

I got the latest shit list, gentlemen.

gentlemen latest list

↓

It's down to Flagstone, Deer Lick and us.

deer lick

↓

And if we keep up these low numbers, you can bet your sweet butts...

butts numbers sweet

↓

we're gonna get the big, ugly ax.

ugly

↓

- Who'll bust heads on the highway? - The goddamn local cops!

bust cops goddamn heads highway local wholl

↓

And you better believe that Grady and his goons...

believe goons

↓

have got a copy of this list, so we need to step it up.

copy list step

↓

Who wants cream?

cream wants

↓

Nobody? Okay, no cream.

cream nobody

↓

Foster, how many tickets did you issue last week?

foster issue tickets week

↓

- Uh, I don't have my figures here in front of me.

figures front

↓

Three.

three

↓

- I can't make 'em speed. - Try hidin'.

speed

↓

- And grow a goddamn moustache, why don't ya?

goddamn grow moustache

↓

I haven't shaved in two weeks.

shaved weeks

↓

- I'm growin' mine. - Oh, you're growin' yours, are ya?

↓

- I'll tell you when it's time to grow a moustache.

grow moustache

↓

Coffee's served!

served

↓

Oh, no! That's Rabbit's. That's Rabbit's.

rabbits

↓

- I get it. It's Rabbit's. - Oh, look, a bar of soap.

rabbits soap

↓

Oh, shit! I got you good, you fucker!

fucker

↓

- Awesome prank, Farva. - Better than the crap you pull, Frank.

awesome frank prank pull

↓

- Look, fellas... - Bite it, Rook.

bite fellas

↓

Make him look like a dick.

dick

↓

every Thursday night I walk into the Lodge to play Hearts...

hearts night thursday thursday-night walk

↓

and they always have my Old-Fashioned just waiting there.

fashioned waiting

↓

- I like that. - Bite it. Bite--

bite

↓

Oh, hell! Give me the goddamn soap!

goddamn soap

↓

We got 50 miles of highway. That stretch of highway is ours.

highway miles stretch

↓

I'll be damned if I'll let Grady and those buttheads

damned

↓

get their hands on it!

hands

↓

Thorny, you're the ranking officer here.

officer ranking

↓

Let's do your jobs and keep this place open, huh?

jobs open place

↓

Let's do it. Farva!

↓

Your suspension continues. Hit the radio.

continues radio suspension

↓

Oh, yes.

↓

Oh. Oh, local Smokeys on our turf.

local turf

↓

- All right, hit it.

↓

See, that's what O'Hagan was talking about.

↓

Hi. You guys forget what color your car is?

color forget

↓

- Bye-bye. - Later, dude.

↓

- Bye-bye. - Later, dude.

↓

All right, how about 'Cat Game'?

game

↓

- Cat Game? What's, uh, what's the record?

game record

↓

Thorny did six...

↓

- but I think you can do ten. - Ten?

↓

- Starting right meow?

meow starting

↓

- Uh, sorry about that. - All right, meow...

meow

↓

hand over your license and registration.

hand license registration

↓

- Your registration? Hurry up meow.

hurry meow registration

↓

Oh.

↓

Sorry.

↓

- There somethin' funny here, boy?

funny somethin

↓

No, no, no.

↓

Well, then, why you laughing, Mr. Larry Johnson?

johnson larry laughing

↓

- All right meow, where were we? - Are you saying 'meow'?

meow

↓

Am I saying 'meow'?

meow

↓

- I-I-I thought-- - Don't think, boy.

↓

Meow, do you know how fast you were going?

fast meow

↓

Meow, what is so damn funny?

funny meow

↓

I could have sworn you said 'meow.'

meow sworn

↓

Do I look like a cat to you, boy?

↓

Am I jumping around all nimbly-bimbly from tree to tree?

jumping tree

↓

- No. No. - Am I drinkin' milk from a saucer?

drinkin milk

↓

- No. - Do you see me eatin' mice?

eatin mice

↓

Now you stop laughin' right meow.

meow

↓

Yes, sir.

↓

Meow, I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one.

meow ticket

↓

- But-- - No 'buts' meow. That's the law.

buts meow

↓

It's not so funny meow, is it?

funny meow

↓

Meow!

meow

↓

Ooo-wee-ooh!

↓

Thanks for washing my car, Rook.

thanks washing

↓

- You know what this is? - A chamois cloth?

↓

Ha! Lucky guess. I just lost a buck...

buck lost lucky

↓

to myself.

↓

- Think that's funny, do you? - Yeah, I do.

funny

↓

Also heard something funny about how you got suspended.

funny heard suspended

↓

Something about a school bus full of kids?

full kids school

↓

Oh, you heard that, did ya? Let me tell you another

another heard

↓

funny story, New Jack.

funny funny-story jack story

↓

Back in '7 4...

↓

the great Charlie Rich was named Country Musician of the Year.

charlie country musician named rich

↓

Then in '75, he had to hand the award off to the new one.

award hand

↓

And you know who that was?

↓

Mr.'Sunshine on My Goddamn Shoulders,'

goddamn shoulders sunshine

↓

John Denver.

denver john

↓

- Really? - Yeah. Can you believe it?

believe

↓

- Wow! - Replaced by John Fuckin' Denver.

denver fuckin john replaced

↓

- Amazing. - Yeah.

amazing

↓

Well, I'll be damaged if Mr. Rich didn't pull out

damaged pull rich

↓

his cigarette lighter...

cigarette lighter

↓

and light that award on fire in front of everyone.

award fire front light

↓

Do you get it?

↓

So you're saying you'll set my Country Music Award on fire?

award country country-music fire music

↓

I'm saying when my suspension's up, you better watch your ass.

watch

↓

Or you'll light my ass on fire?

fire light

↓

You wanna go? You wanna take one?

↓

Make your first move.

↓

Hey! I hate to break up the honky convention,

break convention hate honky

↓

but we got a 10-92.

↓

- You wanna take this one, Rod?

↓

Hell, yeah!

↓

I bet you do--Ohh!

↓

Nice wax job, Rook.

↓

- Thank you, sir. - You--

↓

What the hell is this? We got local pigs runnin' around?

local pigs runnin

↓

How'd the locals beat us here? We're, like, ten miles out.

beat howd miles

↓

Look at this chump. Oh, Mr. Tough Guy here.

chump tough

↓

Take a walk, buddy, take a walk.

buddy walk

↓

Holy shit! It's a cool Winnebago.

cool holy

↓

- My Uncle Denny used to have one just like this.

uncle used

↓

Rabbit, put your game face on.

face game rabbit

↓

You got it, boss.

boss

↓

- Hey, what the fuck? - Oh-oh!

fuck

↓

Oh, yes.

↓

- Oh, man! What happened here?

happened

↓

Take a walk, sonny.

walk

↓

- This investigation is already under control.

control investigation

↓

Well, now it is.

↓

- Hey! - Don't touch

touch

↓

the crime scene, rodent!

crime crime-scene rodent scene

↓

Rabbit. Hey, look at that. Johnny Chimpo.

johnny rabbit

↓

- Quit slappin' me. - Would you stop touching

quit touching

↓

my rookie, Grady?

rookie

↓

- Hey, I'll touch you.

touch

↓

This is the Spurbury Police. Put your hands up

hands police

↓

and come outta there!

outta

↓

Get the fuck out of here!

fuck

↓

- Glamor pet. No dice. Get your tape.

dice tape

↓

Okay. Let's cruise.

cruise

↓

- Sounds like y'all have a hog problem.

problem sounds yall

↓

Oh, watch it, Mac.

watch

↓

Mac, I'm serious. Be careful, Mac. He's angry.

angry careful serious

↓

- He's angry? Well, hello. - Hey, mark it off.

angry mark

↓

- Smy, you mark it off. - Back it up, Grady. I'm serious.

mark serious

↓

What's the point? Didn't you guys get shut down already?

point

↓

Oh, yeah, that's next week.

week

↓

Your bust. You know there's a dead chick in there?

bust chick dead

↓

Move it, Ramashit!

↓

- Take it up with O'Hagan! - Fight, fight, fight!

fight

↓

Get off of me! Get off!.

↓

I'll give you the fat guy for Foster and, uh...

foster

↓

how about that stupid guy for Rabbit?

rabbit stupid

↓

Well, you’re gonna have to be more specific.

specific

↓

They're both kinda fat and stupid.

kinda stupid

↓

Get these damn handcuffs off now, Ramathorn!

↓

- Cut him loose. - Go ahead, Smy.

ahead go-ahead loose

↓

You want to tell me what bug crawled up your big ass, Grady?

crawled

↓

Yeah, I will tell you. This is our crime scene.

crime crime-scene scene

↓

We are takin' it.

takin

↓

- It's highway. It's our jurisdiction.

highway

↓

No. No.

↓

This highway is closed. This is our jurisdiction.

closed highway

↓

Aw, fuck it. You deal with the hog.

deal fuck

↓

Hey, Chief.

chief

↓

What in hell's gotten into you guys?

gotten hells

↓

I told you to be good. I told you this was a bad time.

↓

But you go ahead and get into a battle royale with the locals

ahead battle go-ahead

↓

at a crime scene.

crime crime-scene scene

↓

- But they started that fight. - Of course they started the fight.

course fight started

↓

Now they've taken a jurisdictional grievance against us.

taken

↓

They want us to blow it.

blow

↓

I mean, a murder on the highway...

highway murder

↓

and you give them the investigation.

investigation

↓

Christ! We look like a bunch of pussies.

bunch christ pussies

↓

All right, come on out, Rabbit.

rabbit

↓

I guess I just go take a shower then, huh?

shower

↓

Ow!

↓

Strike three! You're out of there!

strike three

↓

All right, good cut, Ruthie. Good cut. Come on.

↓

Next batter! Batter up! Next batter! Let's go.

batter

↓

But, Thorn, if they do shut you down...

thorn

↓

maybe you could stick around here?

stick

↓

I don't know, get a different job?

↓

You can always come work in my shop.

shop

↓

Yeah, retired cop goes to work for his hippie girlfriend

girlfriend hippie retired

↓

in her head shop. Too sitcom.

head shop sitcom

↓

Okay. You better pay attention, Coach. Our son's up.

attention coach sons

↓

All right, Arlo. Watch the ball. Get a hit.

ball watch

↓

You got it.

↓

- Let's do it. - All right, Arlo.

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

- Hey, you gotta keep on your toes. - Do somethin' about that, ref.

somethin toes

↓

Sorry-ass local cops.

cops local

↓

You think you have a nice relationship with someone...

relationship

↓

based on professional courtesy and mutual boredom.

based courtesy mutual professional

↓

The next thing you know, they're trying to take you out.

↓

What? What?

↓

I don't wanna get transferred.

transferred

↓

- Have to go be a rookie again with a bunch of random dudes.

bunch dudes random rookie

↓

Don't worry about it.

worry

↓

If it happens, we'll, uh, we'll all just stay here,

happens

↓

open up a roller disco.

disco open roller

↓

Throw him the heat. Bring it on.

bring heat throw

↓

Uh, anybody want a corn dog?

anybody corn

↓

See if they got any chocolate bananas. Foster?

bananas chocolate foster

↓

Ohh!

↓

Hey, Charlie's Angel.

angel charlies

↓

Hey, congratulations. You're the one millionth

congratulations

↓

person to say that to me.

person

↓

- Oh. What do I win? - Ooh. Um...

↓

Ahh. There you go.

↓

Hope I don't get brain freeze.

brain brain-freeze freeze hope

↓

I'm not sure you've got the required equipment.

equipment required

↓

So, listen, I, um, had a really good time at that Winnebago fight.

fight

↓

Maybe, uh, I don't know, we could do it again sometime.

sometime

↓

All right, all right. Fair is fair.

fair

↓

You can slug me back if you want to.

slug

↓

- Really? Okay. - Yeah.

↓

Hold my snow cone.

cone snow

↓

- Okay. - Heads up!

heads

↓

- Hey, what happened over there?

happened

↓

What? Wh--Why?

↓

How about a little pep, hmm?

↓

From those guys over there.

↓

Assholes.

assholes

↓

You want to move that, buddy. Now!

buddy

↓

- So, about my field time. - Yeah, yeah. I've been

field

↓

thinkin' a lot about that.

thinkin

↓

I think I might be able to talk to Grady for you.

able might

↓

- Pink stick, eat it or lose it. - Hey, shut your pie hole, buddy.

buddy hole lose pink stick

↓

I mean, because I'm ready to go out on patrol.

patrol ready

↓

I'm goin' nuts being on the radio all the time.

goin nuts radio

↓

I'd like to get some field work.

field

↓

Yeah? Why don't you take your radio and go stand in a field.

field radio stand

↓

Move that gigantic cotton candy!

candy cotton gigantic

↓

Goddamn it! How's the view from sugar heaven, bitch?

bitch goddamn goddamn-it heaven sugar view

↓

Hi. I'm looking for Chief Grady. I have some files for him.

chief files looking

↓

Grady's not here. I'll take the file.

file

↓

- It's kind of important. How about Officer Rando?

officer

↓

Nope.

nope

↓

What do you need? I'm the only one here?

↓

There are no male officers around?

male officers

↓

Just give me the file.

file

↓

What's this?

↓

So you originally from Vermont or, uh, or what?

originally vermont

↓

You know, you've got a lot of courage,

courage

↓

walkin' into the lion's den.

lions walkin

↓

- Oh, I got brass buns. - Mm. You should join the band.

band brass buns join

↓

What are your cells, eight by eight?

cells eight

↓

Ours are nine by nine. No big deal.

deal nine

↓

Listen, you seem like a really nice guy,

↓

but I just don't date cops.

cops date

↓

I'm not much of a cop, really. More like a civilian

civilian

↓

trapped in a cop's body.

body cops trapped

↓

Oh. Well, I hear you can get an operation for that.

operation

↓

But then, I guess you'd miss out on all those wacky things

miss wacky

↓

you highway guys do.

highway

↓

Yeah, those stories about us are mostly lies, really.

lies mostly stories

↓

Except for the one about how we pulled over AC/DC's bus...

except pulled

↓

and then they flew us down to Jamaica to party with them;

flew jamaica party

↓

that one's true.

ones

↓

But, yeah, other than that, it's pretty boring out there.

boring

↓

Yeah, well, I wouldn't know.

↓

All right, it's probably time for you to get out of here.

↓

- I don't want to get fired too. - Oh, I'm not getting fired.

fired

↓

I'm gettin' shut down. That's a big difference.

difference gettin

↓

- In our cells, the door is over here.

cells door

↓

Right.

↓

A couple of hyenas.

couple

↓

Well, you know, they are speeding.

speeding

↓

- Come in, Radio. - Don't call me Radio, Unit 91.

radio unit

↓

Then don't call me Unit 91, Radio.

radio unit

↓

- Are you done? - Yeah, okay, Radio.

radio

↓

We got a suspicious vehicle. White Caprice, Vermont plates.

plates suspicious vehicle vermont white

↓

Tijuana-Gringo-Water-Fiver-Zero.

tijuana water zero

↓

- Roger. Checking. - Thank you, Radio.

checking radio roger

↓

Unit 91, that license plate belongs to a local Spurbury police vehicle.

belongs license license-plate local plate police unit vehicle

↓

It does? Oh, my God!

↓

- Very funny, 91. - Thank you, Radio.

funny radio

↓

Whoa! Looks like that truck's planning on

planning trucks whoa

↓

skipping the weigh-in.

skipping weigh

↓

Yeah, well, you don't weigh in, you don't wrestle.

weigh wrestle

↓

Whoa! What's this jack-off doin;

doin jack whoa

↓

trying to pull him over?

pull

↓

There's no fuckin' way that is happenin'.

fuckin

↓

What the hell's he doin'? - I got somethin'.

doin hells somethin

↓

Yeah. That's right, doofus. Move it along.

along

↓

You, uh, wanna do 'Repeat'?

repeat

↓

Do you wanna do 'Repeat'?

repeat

↓

No. I've been thinking a lot about what the captain said.

captain thinking

↓

- I'd like to play it straight this time, okay?

straight

↓

Okay.

↓

- For O'Hagan. - For O'Hagan.

↓

Good morning.

morning

↓

Would you mind stepping down from there with

mind stepping

↓

your license and registration?

license registration

↓

- Sure. I was just-- - Good morning.

morning

↓

Would you mind stepping down from there with

mind stepping

↓

your license and registration?

license registration

↓

- Yeah. No problem. - Excuse me one second.

excuse problem second

↓

No.

↓

Excuse me one second. No.

excuse second

↓

Did, uh, I do something wrong, officers...

officers

↓

because I know I wasn't speeding.

speeding

↓

- Why didn't you weigh in? - Yeah, why didn't you weigh in?

weigh

↓

Did I miss that weigh station?

miss station weigh

↓

They got me runnin' so many miles...

miles runnin

↓

I just must have dazed out and well--

must

↓

I'll pull into the next one and get weighed, okay?

pull

↓

What are you pulling back there?

pulling

↓

Well, uh, mostly just soap, I think.

mostly soap

↓

Why don't we take a look?

↓

Listen, Officers, I'm on a really tight schedule. I really need to--

officers schedule tight

↓

Let's go, Mr. Galikanokus.

↓

Well, you heard him. Let's go, Mr...

heard

↓

Mr. Galonukum.

↓

Hop on up.

↓

Okay-silly-dilly-dokey-o. I'm an idiot.

dilly dokey idiot silly

↓

Yeah, that's true.

↓

Sorry about the light there.

light

↓

I have a flashlight in the cab.

flashlight

↓

- Hey! Mr. Galikanokus! - Whoa!

whoa

↓

Mr. Galikanokus!

↓

- We should have seen that comin'. - We should have seen that comin'.

comin seen

↓

- It is time to stop now, Mac. - It is...

↓

time to stop now, Mac?

↓

And that was the second time I got crabs.

crabs second

↓

- Awesome. - Afternoon.

afternoon awesome

↓

- Hey. - Hey.

↓

It stinks like sex in here.

stinks

↓

What happened?

happened

↓

We got a little distracted by somebody doin' the 'Repeater.'

distracted doin somebody

↓

- Huh. That'll happen. - That will happen.

happen thatll

↓

Well, you did it this time.

↓

- Fishin' your car out of Lake Leblanc right now.

lake

↓

Oh, man.

↓

Nah, we just parked it across the street.

parked street

↓

All right, listen. Next time this kind of thing happens...

happens

↓

I want you to stop, take a deep breath...

breath deep deep-breath

↓

- and pull your heads out of each other's asses, would ya?

asses heads others pull

↓

Language.

language

↓

It's easy for you to say. He's got a tiny little head.

easy head tiny

↓

Yeah. What's this guy movin'?

movin

↓

Yeah. What's this guy movin'?

movin

↓

Soap, I think.

soap

↓

Reefer.

↓

Whoo-hoo! That's one stinky pyramid.

pyramid stinky whoo

↓

We should've built a stinky igloo and climb in.

built climb shouldve stinky

↓

- That's a lot of pot. - Thinkin' back to your tour days

days thinkin tour

↓

with the Dead, Rabbit?

dead rabbit

↓

- Better lock this shit up, huh, buddy? - What are you talkin' about?

buddy lock talkin

↓

Enhance.

↓

Enhance. Enhance.

↓

Just print the damn thing!

print

↓

All right, what do we know about this Galikanokus guy?

↓

It's a fake name, fake license.

fake fake-name license name

↓

- Bunty Soap? - Fake soap company.

company fake soap

↓

- What, plastic fake? Decorative fake? What?

fake plastic

↓

No, like they don't exist.

exist

↓

So, we got 150 kilos of marijuana and no arrests.

marijuana

↓

We got nothin'.

nothin

↓

I got a theory, Cap.

theory

↓

These, uh, bales of pot, they have that red Johnny Chimpo

johnny

↓

sticker on them.

sticker

↓

And that dead woman in the Winnebago had the same

dead woman

↓

logo tattooed on her back.

tattooed

↓

See, a lot of drug dealers use stickers to mark their

dealers drug drug-dealers mark stickers

↓

products. Like a brand name.

brand name products

↓

See! Where'd you learn that, Cheech? Drug school?

drug learn school whered

↓

Shut up, Farva.

↓

Did that bag you pulled off those college kids have that sticker?

college college-kids kids pulled sticker

↓

Um...

↓

I don't believe it did.

believe

↓

- Was there any marijuana on that Winnebago?

marijuana

↓

Nope.

nope

↓

A monkey tattoo. Sounds kinda flimsy.

kinda monkey sounds tattoo

↓

What's the significance of this John Chimpo fella?

fella john

↓

Uh, well, you know those really cheap Japanese cartoons?

cartoons cheap japanese

↓

No? This is basically a cheaper Afghani knockoff.

cheaper knockoff

↓

It's this monkey that basically travels around the world...

monkey travels world

↓

uh, doing nasty things.

nasty

↓

His butler tries to keep him in line, but, uh--

butler line tries

↓

No.

↓

It's really funny, Cap. It's Afghanistanimation.

funny

↓

The monkey has a butler? Great.

butler monkey

↓

- Is that what they do in Arabia, Thorny?

arabia

↓

How the hell should I know?

↓

All right. Somebody get me a VTR copy of this thing.

copy somebody

↓

I'll talk to Grady, see if he'll let us take a look at the Winnebago.

↓

All right. You ready for the photo shoot?

photo ready shoot

↓

Okay, fellas, let's take it.

fellas

↓

- Pull down your pants. - Shut up, Farva, you idiot.

idiot pants pull

↓

Come on, do it.

↓

- John. I'm not interrupting, am I?

interrupting john

↓

Mad Timber!

↓

- No. Come in, come in. - Good work, gentlemen,

gentlemen

↓

all the way around.

↓

- Could I get in on that? - Sure. Why not?

↓

- Excuse me. Good work. Good work, Officer.

excuse officer

↓

Hey.

↓

You're gonna have a hard time shutting us down now,

hard shutting

↓

right, Mr. Mayor?

mayor

↓

We got a murder one day, a drug bust the next.

bust drug murder

↓

I'm thinkin' we need as much police as we can get.

police thinkin

↓

- That'd be a good slogan, wouldn't it? - Mm-hmm.

thatd

↓

Tell that to the budget committee.

budget committee

↓

I just got off the phone with Governor Jessman...

governor phone

↓

and she's gonna be swinging through here

swinging

↓

on her way to Burlington.

↓

Give me a gun, huh, to hold for the pictures.

pictures

↓

- Rabbit, run. Gun. - And, John...

john rabbit

↓

as far as this brawling with the local police is concerned--

concerned local police

↓

It won't happen again, Bill. I'm onto it.

bill happen

↓

Good.

↓

'Cause when the governor shows up, I'm gonna throw her

governor shows throw

↓

a little party.

party

↓

We're gonna let her know just how this community feels

community feels

↓

about its law enforcement.

enforcement

↓

Spread it on!

spread

↓

Come on, Dad! Faster! Faster!

faster

↓

- So what's the deal with you and Bobbi?

deal

↓

Come on, Dad!

↓

You guys are goin' out, but you, um, sleep with other people?

goin sleep

↓

Well, I mean, yeah. Not really. Kind of.

↓

It's sort of a long story, all right?

story

↓

Well--Hey, Arlo, does Mom ever have any friends over?

friends

↓

- Any older boys? - Can't we turn the siren on?

boys older siren

↓

In a minute, all right? Are you listening?

listening minute

↓

- Does she have anyone over that maybe you call uncle?

uncle

↓

Like Uncle Fred?

fred uncle

↓

Uncle Fred? Who's Uncle Fred?

fred uncle

↓

He's this crazy bird on TV.

bird crazy

↓

- He's crazy. He flies around like a pigeon.

crazy flies pigeon

↓

Oh, right.

↓

Uncle Freddy, he's great. He's a crazy bird.

bird crazy freddy uncle

↓

Okay.

↓

We got one.

↓

You wanna take this one, kid?

↓

- What about you? - I gotta stay with little 'A.'

↓

- You're okay, right? - Sure.

↓

- Go on. Make mama proud. - All right.

mama proud

↓

Yeah, Farva, I got a Porsche, brown, Washington plates--

brown plates porsche washington

↓

- Eight-Donna-Peanut-Eunuch. - Roger. Checking.

checking donna eight peanut roger

↓

- Kill it.

kill

↓

Can I please see your license and registra--

license

↓

I'm sorry, Officer, for the speeding violation.

officer speeding violation

↓

I am so used to driving on the Autobahn.

driving used

↓

Uh--What?

↓

...Sean Cassidy.

sean

↓

Yummy, yummy.

yummy

↓

- Nicht?

↓

- Do you know why I pulled you over?

pulled

↓

We were driving way too fast.

driving fast

↓

- Ja. - Ja.

↓

Officer, this is a major problem...

major officer problem

↓

because I cannot afford another ticket with mein Porsche.

afford another cannot mein porsche ticket

↓

Is there maybe something I can do for you, hmm?

↓

Or maybe my wife...

wife

↓

could do for you to avoid this dilemma?

avoid dilemma

↓

Is there maybe something you would like me to do to you?

↓

Or maybe something you would like to do to me? Hmm?

↓

Uh, 'cause you were doing 90 in a 65.

↓

Perhaps some spanking or cuffing is in order.

order perhaps spanking

↓

Could you hold on a minute? Just a minute. I'll be right back.

minute

↓

- Twenty-three, that Porsche is hot. - Are you sure?

porsche three twenty

↓

Rabbit?

rabbit

↓

- Please, Thorn, not now. No. - He can join too, if you like?

join thorn

↓

- Get over here. - Tickle, tickle.

tickle

↓

- Ja. - Hold on a second.

second

↓

Just one second, huh?

second

↓

- What? - Farva said that car is stolen.

stolen

↓

What? Stolen?

stolen

↓

- Shit! - Is there a problem, officers?

officers problem

↓

Hold on! Come on, Thorn, I need this.

thorn

↓

Look, kid, any other day, I'd step in here

step

↓

and show you how to swing.

swing

↓

But the car's stolen.

cars stolen

↓

Goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

You got to get over there and you got to cuff her.

cuff

↓

- Do it! You're a highway patrolman.

highway

↓

Cut it out! Do it.

↓

- Now turn that off and step out of the car, sir.

step

↓

- This is no problem, hmm? - Put your hands on the car

hands problem

↓

and spread 'em.

spread

↓

- Ah, now some fun for both of us. - Get back in the car!

fun

↓

Rabbit, get over there and cuff her.

cuff rabbit

↓

- Up against the car. - Ma'am, I hate to do this

hate maam

↓

to you, but would you--

↓

- would you please put your hands behind your back?

behind hands hands-behind

↓

Now things are getting kinky.

kinky

↓

Arlo!

↓

I love your-- - I'm on the radio.

love radio

↓

Come in, Farva.

↓

Arlo! Rabbit! Let's go!

rabbit

↓

Climb up on Uncle Rabbit's lap, Arlo, okay?

climb rabbits uncle

↓

- I don't think that's such a good idea, Thorn.

idea thorn

↓

Uh, right.

↓

Okay, why don't you just sit in the middle, buddy?

buddy middle

↓

Ursula, what the fuck? There's no T.P. in the bathroom.

bathroom fuck

↓

- What about the piece stuck to your shoe?

piece shoe stuck

↓

What about that piece?

piece

↓

Shit!

↓

You know, you might get ahead around here

ahead might

↓

if you made the extra effort.

effort extra extra-effort

↓

- Do you want me to wipe your ass?

wipe

↓

That's not what I--

↓

Well, around my house, my wife knows to refill the T.P.

house knows refill wife

↓

- I'm not your wife, Smy. - No. And if you were, I'd take

wife

↓

you down a peg or two.

↓

Ooh.

↓

Hi, douche bag.

douche

↓

- You know, if you were my wife...

wife

↓

I'd massage your feet every night until you fell asleep.

asleep feet fell fell-asleep massage night

↓

Nice try.

↓

He strangles her and puts her face in pig food?

face food

↓

What an asshole. Got any I.D. on the corpse?

asshole corpse

↓

Yeah.'Jane Doe.' Do you know her?

jane

↓

Oh, we're working on it.

working

↓

It's called routine police work.

called police routine

↓

Apparently, she had a cartoon monkey

apparently cartoon monkey

↓

tattooed on her back.

tattooed

↓

John Chimpo, I'm told.

john

↓

And those cannabis bags in our truck...

bags truck

↓

those stickers had the same monkey logo.

monkey stickers

↓

So we think there might be some kind of connection.

connection might

↓

Are you suggesting that a cartoon monkey is

cartoon monkey suggesting

↓

bringing drugs into our town?

bringing drugs town

↓

- Look, I know we don't like each other.

↓

I like you.

↓

Come on! I'm looking for a little cooperation here.

cooperation looking

↓

John Chimpo.

john

↓

Hanson, could you round up, uh, Johnny Chimpo...

hanson johnny round

↓

and, uh, Jerry Giraffe and Arty the Alligator

giraffe jerry

↓

and bring them in for a lineup.

bring

↓

- Thanks, sweetie. - Sounds like they're having fun.

fun having sounds sweetie thanks

↓

That's what happens when you start hanging out

hanging happens start

↓

with a state trooper.

state trooper

↓

We show you the funny.

funny

↓

Well, where were we?

↓

Uh, you were laying your best rap on me

best laying

↓

and I was resisting.

resisting

↓

- But you were starting to think about it.

starting

↓

- I told you. I don't touch highway hog.

highway touch

↓

Baby, I'm Sizzle Lean.

baby lean

↓

I scratched your back, Bruce. I scratched it good and hard.

bruce hard scratched

↓

Now, either you scratch my back or you're gonna get my size ten

scratch size

↓

boot up your ass!

boot

↓

Desperation is a stinky cologne, John.

cologne desperation john stinky

↓

Let's see. You are an expendable line item on a state spending bill.

bill item line spending state

↓

You have a station full of crappy cops.

cops crappy full station

↓

I am about this far away from having a bigger budget.

bigger budget having

↓

And now, you come in here talking about...

↓

monkey tattoos on some drunk lady's tit like it's

drunk ladys monkey tattoos

↓

a goddamn drug conspiracy.

conspiracy drug goddamn

↓

Keep your bags packed, John. Let us handle the real

bags handle john packed real

↓

police work, huh?

police

↓

Uh, John, when you do get shut down, you come back,

john

↓

talk to me.

↓

I can always use a good meter maid.

maid meter meter-maid

↓

Let it roll.

roll

↓

Come and get me, Mac.

↓

- See you later, sucker! - Ohh! Ohh! Fuck!

fuck sucker

↓

Can't catch the Rabbit.

catch rabbit

↓

- Damn it! - Out of the car!

↓

Out of the car, scumbag!

scumbag

↓

Well, hello, Shirley.

shirley

↓

- Come on, Farva, man. Same team. Same team.

team

↓

What's Thorny going to say, Rook?

↓

Honestly, Bobbi. I think it's gonna happen.

happen

↓

We don't want to leave. We really like this town.

town

↓

I'll probably just get sent down to Brattleboro.

sent

↓

It's a nice town.

town

↓

I don't think it's a healthy time for him to move.

healthy

↓

He's got a lot of real good friends here.

friends real

↓

Who? That creepy kid with the lisp?

creepy

↓

Hey. Stop jumping on the bed.

jumping

↓

Look, I don't want to go without you.

↓

- Then you should stay here. - But I can't if they transfer me.

transfer

↓

Hey, stop jumping on the bed.

jumping

↓

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

motherfucker yippee

↓

Hey, honey, it's almost Mitternacht, huh?

honey

↓

Uhh. We really should be getting back to the jail.

jail

↓

- You don't want us turning into pumpkins.

pumpkins turning

↓

Thorn, can't they just stay a little longer?

longer thorn

↓

All right. Who wants a mustache ride?

mustache ride wants

↓

- I want one. I want one! - I do! I do! I do!

↓

- Spurbury Police. - Oh, thank the Lord.

lord police

↓

Thank the Lord. It's terrible.

lord

↓

Oh, there's a disgusting pervert flashing people.

disgusting flashing pervert

↓

Ma'am, I need you to calm down.

calm maam

↓

I can't calm down! You calm down! Oh, my God!

calm

↓

- Ma'am, tell me your location. - He's right in front of the building...

building front location maam

↓

on 323, uh, Karuna Street.

street

↓

- That's this address, ma'am. - Oh, well, then,

address maam

↓

maybe you can see him.

↓

He's right in front of the building. Go look. I'll hold.

building front

↓

Whoo-aaah!

aaah whoo

↓

Did you see him? Oh, he's disgusting.

disgusting

↓

- He certainly is, ma'am. - Oh, I think he's going

certainly maam

↓

to the window again.

window

↓

Whoo-ooo-ooo!

whoo

↓

Oh, the humanity! He's so bulgy. He's like a moose.

humanity

↓

Oh, no! I think he's going back again.

↓

Freeze, motherfucker!

freeze motherfucker

↓

Oh, God! Please don't shoot me. I-I'm naked.

dont-shoot naked shoot

↓

Drop your coat and grab your toes.

coat drop grab toes

↓

- What? - I'm gonna show you

↓

where the wild goose goes.

goose wild

↓

Oh, this isn't happening. I-I-I'm a police officer. Ursula, help!

officer police police-officer

↓

Baby, I'm gonna butter your bread.

baby bread butter

↓

You don't have these at your station?

station

↓

I don't suppose you got a pair of fresh

fresh pair suppose

↓

underwear I could borrow?

borrow underwear

↓

I'm not sure you could fit into my panties.

panties

↓

You know, you can't tell anybody about this.

anybody

↓

- I already told my mom about you.

↓

- Shit! - Baby, you rocked me.

baby rocked

↓

Wow! What is this?

↓

- Rabbit, you're off the road! Shut up, Farva!

rabbit road

↓

It's a good move, Cap.

↓

Rabbit, you're on radio. Farva, you're ridin' with Thorny.

rabbit radio

↓

- Wait a minute-- - What do you want me

minute

↓

to do about it?

↓

My hands are tied! It's all over the police band!

band hands police tied

↓

Rabbit, you couldn't have picked a worst time!

picked rabbit worst

↓

I got a Q-17 request form today.

form request today

↓

We have to inventory our equipment.

equipment inventory

↓

Which means our balls are this close to the band saw.

balls band close

↓

What are you sellin', Mac, hot dogs?

dogs

↓

- There's a new billboard. - Casino le Fantastique?

billboard casino

↓

Let me guess.

↓

You just humped the mayor's wife and burnt down City Hall.

burnt city city-hall hall humped mayors wife

↓

I'll do you one better, Captain.

captain

↓

So I'm walkin' down by the local police station,

local police police-station station walkin

↓

minding my own business.

business minding

↓

But there's something funny in the air.

funny

↓

I feel like I just gotta get into that Winnebago.

↓

- So after I jimmy the door, I do a quick recon.

door jimmy quick recon

↓

Bullshit.

bullshit

↓

I can see there's something not right about that bed.

↓

- So I busted it in. - Bullshit.

bullshit busted

↓

And just sittin' there were ten huge duffel bags

bags huge

↓

of these mothers.

mothers

↓

Let me get this straight. You went into the impound,

impound straight

↓

scaled the fence...

fence

↓

broke into the Winnebago and smashed the bed,

broke smashed

↓

all on a hunch?

hunch

↓

I'll believe that when me shit turns purple and smells like

believe purple smells turns

↓

rainbow sherbet.

rainbow

↓

What? Do you think I just grew this weed?

grew weed

↓

How could you know to look underneath the bed?

underneath

↓

It must have been my sixth-- or even my seventh sense.

must sense seventh sixth

↓

You know, Rabbit, a good cop doesn't really

rabbit

↓

know why he does anything.

↓

- Disregard that, Rabbit. - And you didn't even think

rabbit

↓

to call in your partner?

partner

↓

So these local mothers have got a hundred keys

hundred keys local mothers

↓

of chiba and don't know it?

↓

Not a clue. It's totally hidden.

clue hidden

↓

And Grady's walkin' around like he's hot soup.

soup walkin

↓

All right, we got a chance here.

chance

↓

But we got to beat these guys to the punch.

beat punch

↓

Mac, you and Foster check out the truck stops...

check foster stops truck

↓

and find out what you can about Galikanokus and Bunty Soap.

soap

↓

I'll talk to Grady and play a little hardball.

↓

Thorny, I'm takin' a hard line.

hard line takin

↓

You got to promise me no more bullshit.

bullshit promise

↓

Cap, you know I'm cool, but I can take no responsibility

cool responsibility

↓

for these white devils.

devils white

↓

Well, you're gonna have to.

↓

Now, Rodney, we're under a lot of pressure here.

pressure rodney

↓

Remember what we talked about. If anything happens...

happens remember talked

↓

count to ten, take some deep breaths.

count deep

↓

Ten deep breaths. I got it, Cap.

deep

↓

Foster, you’re on duty.

duty foster

↓

Trust me, skipper, we'll make you proud.

proud skipper trust

↓

You are awesome.

awesome

↓

- You are incredible. You are a fantastic cop.

fantastic incredible

↓

Keep goin'.

goin

↓

Uh, and then somebody said, I think it was O'Hagan, said, um...

somebody

↓

- 'Foster, you deserve a promotion.'

deserve foster promotion

↓

Hmm. I think you get a star.

star

↓

Mm. Foster? Wait. I don't know if this is gonna work.

foster

↓

- This steering wheel is jabbing my ass.

steering steering-wheel wheel

↓

Oh, right.

↓

Ow! Okay.

↓

In New York City, a guy could pay ten bucks to watch

bucks city watch york york-city

↓

two cops have sex in a cage.

cage cops

↓

Yeah?

↓

Oh.

↓

- Foster? - Yeah?

foster

↓

In our cruisers, somebody has to let you out

somebody

↓

of the back seat.

seat

↓

Oh, fuck it!

fuck

↓

Do we look like the two dumbest guys

dumbest

↓

in the world to you?

world

↓

Is that why you choose to treat us

choose treat

↓

with such disrespect?

disrespect

↓

Look, all I'm sayin', man, is switch partners. It'll be fun.

fun itll partners sayin switch

↓

- I don't think so. - Come on, mix it up a bit.

↓

Mm, no fuckin' way.

fuckin

↓

Come on, Mac, you know you're always sayin'

sayin

↓

how funny Foster smells.

foster funny smells

↓

- Oh, look out for Thorny, master of psychology.

master psychology

↓

Do I really smell?

smell

↓

All right, assholes, quit talkin' about me.

assholes quit talkin

↓

Lock and load, Ramathorn. Let's kick some tail.

kick load lock tail

↓

- We weren't talkin' about you, you big idiot.

idiot talkin

↓

Bullshit.

bullshit

↓

- Truck stop, huh? - We gotta do it.

truck

↓

But the captain didn't say anything

captain

↓

about going undercover.

undercover

↓

Do you think they're gonna tell us anything

↓

if they know we're cops?

cops

↓

Get a job, man! Look, you're fuckin' super cop.

fuckin super

↓

You should know this.

↓

- I am super. - Plus, we can't take our car...

plus super

↓

until they replace the door you, for no reason whatsoever,

door reason replace whatsoever

↓

removed last night.

night removed

↓

I told you it was those kids with the wrenches.

kids

↓

Ah, yes, those ballsy little punks who took your car door off...

door punks

↓

while you were sittin' in the damn thing.

↓

I told you I was in a very deep sleep.

deep sleep

↓

Yeah. You wanna tell that to O'Hagan? Maybe

↓

we can borrow his car today.

borrow today

↓

Do you even know how to drive this thing?

drive

↓

Shit! This rig sucks!

sucks

↓

Aha!

↓

Uh, who knew it was a stick?

stick

↓

How about we, uh, pop a couple of Viagra...

couple

↓

and issue tickets with raging, mega-huge boners?

boners huge issue mega raging tickets

↓

Only you, Farva, can make a dark man blush.

blush dark

↓

- And, no, we're not doin' it. - Ah, hell.

doin

↓

- Hey, I came up with a great name for our car.

name

↓

Oh, yeah?

↓

Get this. You're Arcot Ramathorn--Ram--

↓

and I'm Rod Farva--Rod; car Ramrod.

↓

Car Ramrod. You get it?

↓

Yeah, I got it.

↓

- Rabbit, I got a Plymouth Voyager...

plymouth rabbit

↓

Say 'Car Ramrod.'

↓

- Say 'Car Ramrod.' - Vermont plates--Hold on.

plates vermont

↓

Vermont plates--Alpha...

alpha plates vermont

↓

God-Mustard- One-Niner-Decade-China.

china decade mustard niner

↓

- Check it. Roger, 23.

check roger

↓

- You didn't say it. I wrote it on the paper.

paper wrote

↓

Oh, I forgot.

forgot

↓

- Oh, yeah. - Come on, Ramathorn,

↓

what game are we playin'?

game playin

↓

- What? No games. - Don't bullshit me.

bullshit games

↓

Let's play one of those games I keep hearin' about.

games hearin

↓

You know, Mac and Foster...

foster

↓

did that thing, you know, with the 'who can say

↓

pussy the most.'

pussy

↓

You know, actually, Mac bet Foster he couldn't

foster

↓

say 'meow' ten times.

meow times

↓

To the driver.

driver

↓

- I realize that doesn't sound funny as I described--

described funny realize sound

↓

Who can say 'meow' the most?

meow

↓

You guys are real crazy.

crazy real

↓

Hey, look out for these guys!

↓

Hell, I can say 'meow.' I can say 'moo.'

meow

↓

For 20 bucks, I'll call the guy a chicken-fucker.

bucks chicken fucker

↓

Easy, Rod. Easy, Rod. Easy, Rod. Easy, Rod.

easy

↓

License and registration... chicken-fucker! Brawwk!

chicken fucker license registration

↓

- Bruce? John O'Hagan. - John!

bruce john

↓

I'm glad you called. Listen. I have Bobby the Baboon in lockup...

baboon bobby called glad

↓

and he says that for twenty bananas he'll

bananas twenty

↓

provide evidence...

evidence provide

↓

Johnny Chimpo is the pimp in charge of the Cartoon

cartoon charge johnny pimp

↓

Network whorehouse.

network

↓

Look, I'm done dickin' around. We got new evidence

evidence

↓

on your murder.

murder

↓

Who? Galikanokus? You know where he is?

↓

- No, we don't know where he is, but--

↓

Then I don't see how you can possibly help us, then.

possibly

↓

Okay. This is my last offer.

offer

↓

Either you let us in on this investigation...

investigation

↓

or I'm gonna embarrass you personally.

embarrass personally

↓

Oh, how embarrassed?

embarrassed

↓

Like, naked in a dream embarrassed?

dream embarrassed naked

↓

No, no. Embarrassed like back in '77, when you got caught

caught embarrassed

↓

fuckin' your cousin embarrassed.

cousin embarrassed fuckin

↓

She's not my cousin.

cousin

↓

Welcome to Dimpus. Can I take your order?

order welcome

↓

Give me a, uh, double bacon cheeseburger.

bacon cheeseburger double

↓

Double baco cheeseburger. It's for a cop.

cheeseburger double

↓

Roger. - What the hell's that all about?

hells roger

↓

- He gonna spit in it now? - No, I was just tellin' him

spit tellin

↓

that so he makes it good.

makes

↓

Don't spit in that cop's burger.

burger cops spit

↓

- Yeah. Thanks. - Roger. Hold the spit.

roger spit thanks

↓

Give me a, uh, pie. Apple.

apple

↓

Do you want me to hold the spit?

spit

↓

Just kidding, Officer...Farva.

kidding officer

↓

So, do you want to 'Dimpisize' your meal

meal

↓

for a quarter more?

quarter

↓

Want me to 'punchisize' your face for free?

face free

↓

Some male figure? I'm his dad. And stop with

figure male

↓

the whole transfer thing.

transfer whole

↓

Oh, Christ.

christ

↓

You know what? I gotta go. Let's talk

↓

about this later, okay?

↓

- Okay. Bye.

↓

- Now don't give me any lip. - It's just a quarter, and

quarter

↓

look how much more you get.

↓

- I said no! - It's just 25 cents.

cents

↓

- Hey, listen, guy. He doesn't want it.

↓

I can handle this, Ramathorn.

handle

↓

- I don't want it! - Right. Uh, beverage?

beverage

↓

Gimme a, uh, liter of cola.

cola

↓

- A what? - A liter of cola!

cola

↓

'Leederacola.' Do we make leederacola?

↓

Will you just order a large, Farva?

order

↓

I don't want a large Farva. I want a goddamn liter of cola!

cola goddamn

↓

- I don't know what that is! - Liter is French...

french

↓

for'give me some fuckin' cola before I break

break cola forgive fuckin

↓

both fuckin' lips.'

fuckin lips

↓

All right, all right. Relax!

relax

↓

- That look like spit to you? - Yeah.

spit

↓

- That look like spit to you? - Yeah.

spit

↓

Ah, fuck it.

fuck

↓

Mm. I feel like a real cop again.

real

↓

Well, I wouldn't get used to it, 'cause you know

used

↓

it's not gonna last.

↓

- Bullshit. I'm not goin' anywhere.

bullshit goin

↓

All right, buddy.

buddy

↓

We're about to get shut down anyway.

↓

Oh, yeah? That's a lot of'Dimp.'

↓

- What do you do if you get transferred?

transferred

↓

I don't know.

↓

Bobbi doesn't want to leave, and...

↓

I don't want to leave her and Arlo, so--

↓

Yeah, I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do.

↓

Who gives a shit? I'm about to win ten million

gives million

↓

bucks anyway, right?

bucks

↓

Are ya? What are you going to do with that ten million bucks?

bucks million

↓

And you can't say, 'Buy the Cleveland Cavaliers.'

cleveland

↓

- I'd buy a ten-million-dollar car.

dollar million

↓

Ah, good investment.

investment

↓

- But I'd pull you over. - Bullshit. You could never catch me.

bullshit catch pull

↓

- Oh, I could never catch you? - If you did, I'd activate my

activate catch

↓

car's wings, and fly away.

cars wings

↓

I got a good feelin' about this.

feelin

↓

Damn it, you burger punk!

burger punk

↓

You son of a bitch!

bitch

↓

- Aah!

↓

Yeah, Burger Boy!

burger

↓

All right, all right, all right.

↓

Cut it out, you guys. Knock it off.

knock

↓

Clear out of here. All of you.

clear

↓

I'm sorry about the delousing, Rod.

↓

Standard procedure.

procedure standard

↓

- It's powdered sugar. - The lice hate the sugar.

hate lice sugar

↓

- Listen, Rod-- - It's delicious.

delicious

↓

Uh, good. Good.

↓

Say, Rod, what are your plans after the shutdown?

plans

↓

We're not gettin' shut down, Grady. We're drug busters.

busters drug gettin

↓

Maybe they're drug busters, but you're dispatch.

busters drug

↓

- Nuh-uh. I'm back on the road, now.

road

↓

Until this little incident.

incident

↓

Listen, Rod.

↓

This whole murder thing, we've been tryin' real hard

hard murder real real-hard tryin whole

↓

to break it open...

break open

↓

but O'Hagan just will not cooperate with the evidence.

evidence

↓

Now I've spoken to the governor myself.

governor spoken

↓

She is gonna shut your station down, son.

station

↓

It's gonna happen.

happen

↓

Now, I'm gonna have a bigger budget then,

bigger budget

↓

and I could really use...

↓

a good local officer like yourself.

local officer

↓

- Could I go now? - You could have your own car.

↓

Work on exciting cases. Hey, we could even chase

cases chase exciting

↓

drug dealers together.

dealers drug drug-dealers

↓

Now, the thing is, Rod...

↓

I really need to know about your side of the investigation.

investigation side

↓

O'Hagan's making all kinds of threats, and--

kinds threats

↓

Can we make a deal?

deal

↓

I'm all highway.

highway

↓

Let him loose.

loose

↓

Sorry about that, bro.

↓

Hey, Charlie's Angel.

angel charlies

↓

- What's up? - Guys.

↓

Hey.

↓

Well, we got about, uh, twenty desk lamps.

desk lamps twenty

↓

- Farva went schizoid. - That's good.

↓

- How did the undercover thing go?

undercover

↓

Well, not so good.

↓

- Turns out, this guy can't drive a semi.

drive turns

↓

Yeah.

↓

You guys watch that Johnny Chimpo thing?

johnny watch

↓

- Funny, but nothin' there. - Mm. Maybe you missed something.

funny missed nothin

↓

Mm, trust me, bro. There's nothing there.

trust

↓

Maybe we should take another look.

another

↓

- That's it, you're off the road. Never again.

road

↓

Sir, no.

↓

- It was not my fault. - Neither was the goddamn

fault goddamn

↓

school bus.

school

↓

You know, there was a time we'd take a guy like you

↓

out back and beat you.

beat

↓

- Now you got your goddamn unions.

goddamn

↓

I'm not a pro-union guy.

union

↓

- And you're banned from Dimpus Burger.

banned burger

↓

Damn it!

↓

Get some rubber gloves. From now on,

gloves rubber

↓

you're my cleaning lady.

cleaning cleaning-lady lady

↓

Beat it!

beat

↓

Well, the butler is basically saying to Johannes Chimpo...

butler

↓

'Don't let the Great Satan tempt you with the Western culture.

culture satan western

↓

You must remain true to the Taliban warlord.'

must remain

↓

- Cool beans.

beans cool

↓

So, um, Galikanokus is not the butler?

butler

↓

Well, possibly. But this is, uh, quite brilliant, really.

brilliant possibly

↓

And so, Captain, you think there might be some connection

captain connection might

↓

with the smugglers?

↓

Rabbit, get this meatball out of here.

meatball rabbit

↓

You got it, Captain. Come on, meatball.

captain meatball

↓

We should probably do that.

↓

Back in the cage with your beautiful wife, huh?

cage wife

↓

- What did you find out at the weigh station?

station weigh

↓

My cruiser weighs 16,000 kg.

cruiser weighs

↓

I just got off the phone with Tom McCardle from

phone

↓

the budget committee.

budget committee

↓

- This thing with Farva screwed our pooch.

screwed

↓

What?

↓

They can't lump us in with that fuckin' Martian.

fuckin lump

↓

- We're all in the same boat. - But our shenanigans are

boat shenanigans

↓

cheeky and fun.

cheeky fun

↓

Yeah. His shenanigans are cruel and tragic.

cruel shenanigans tragic

↓

- Which makes them not shenanigans at all, really.

makes shenanigans

↓

Evil shenanigans.

evil shenanigans

↓

I swear to God I'll pistol-whip the next guy

pistol swear whip

↓

that says, 'shenanigans.'

shenanigans

↓

Hey, Farva!

↓

What's the name of that restaurant you like, with

name restaurant

↓

all the goofy shit on the walls...

goofy walls

↓

- and the mozzarella sticks? - You mean Shenanigans?

shenanigans sticks

↓

- No! Oh! - You're talking about

↓

Shenanigans, right?

shenanigans

↓

Put those away!

↓

- Hey, Rabbit. - Yeah, I know.'You got

rabbit

↓

beautiful, big brown lips.'

brown lips

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

↓

Have your fun, boys. Have your fun.

boys fun

↓

'Cause I'm gonna start looking for for a new job.

looking start

↓

Hey! Urs! Ha!

↓

- Hi. - Hi. Sorry I'm late.

late

↓

- The mayor came down today.

mayor today

↓

Ah, biker! I'm an idiot.

idiot

↓

Boy, you guys just keep shooting yourselves in the foot.

foot shooting yourselves

↓

- Heard you got to see Farva naked. - Yeah, it was hard to miss.

hard heard miss naked

↓

So, Grady thinks he's got you guys by the balls.

balls thinks

↓

Yeah. How do you feel about long-distance relationships?

distance relationships

↓

Think I'm getting sent to Deer Lick.

deer lick sent

↓

Well, I've been thinking about this.

thinking

↓

I think I might have an idea.

idea might

↓

The governor comes to town on Saturday for that big thing, right?

comes governor saturday town

↓

She's gonna make a big speech about drugs and law enforcement...

drugs enforcement speech

↓

- and all of that because of your bust.

bust

↓

She's gonna shut us down.

↓

No! Not if you give her more.

↓

Get the reefer out of the Winnebago and give it

↓

to her during the party.

party

↓

- Make a big show of it. - With all that media there,

media

↓

she would love us for it.

love

↓

- No way she'll shut you down. - That reefer's locked

locked shell

↓

in the Winnebago...

↓

which is locked in your impound, which is guarded by assholes.

assholes impound locked

↓

All right. Here's what I'll need.

↓

Five ski masks, a case of smoke bombs--the good ones--

bombs case five masks ones smoke

↓

- and banana peels, lots of banana-- - Foster?

banana foster lots

↓

- How about if I just help you get in?

↓

You would do that for me?

↓

Yeah. What the hell. We'll work together.

↓

- Like Cagney and Lacey.

lacey

↓

Yeah. Well, Cagney and Lacey were women.

lacey women

↓

- But-- - I could be Lacey.

lacey

↓

Mac-o!

↓

- So that's it, huh? - C.C.S. Rockman Bulletproofing

↓

is the tops!

tops

↓

Same guys who make our flak jackets.

jackets

↓

Now, Rabbit, a good cop does what...

rabbit

↓

before using his equipment in the field?

equipment field using

↓

- Uh, they test it? - They test it. Exactly.

test

↓

How are you shootin' today, Thorn?

thorn today

↓

- Dead on all morning. - How about

dead morning

↓

that little fella?

fella

↓

Oh, that little guy? I wouldn't worry about that little guy.

worry

↓

- Good enough for me. You're my man, now.

↓

I don't get it. How are we going to get

↓

into the local impound?

impound local

↓

There are gonna be cops there.

cops

↓

- Wa-hoo!

↓

Most of the local cops will probably already

cops local

↓

be at the banquet.

banquet

↓

They'll leave, like, one or two of the dumbest

dumbest

↓

guys at the station.

station

↓

- How are you feelin' there, Mac? - Good

feelin

↓

enough to fuck your mother!

fuck mother

↓

So, what we have to do is distract whoever

distract

↓

they leave there.

↓

Hey, Mac! You still have that Halloween costume?

costume halloween

↓

Oh, hell, yeah. You don't throw out--

throw

↓

Wa-hoo-hoo!

↓

Damn, that's good!

↓

So, if we can get ten minutes, you and I

minutes

↓

can get into the impound...

impound

↓

get the reefer, and get it to the governor

governor

↓

before she leaves?

leaves

↓

- Nice and easy. - I like it.

easy

↓

- You're up. - Me?

↓

- Now, don't get puke on it. - Does it hurt?

hurt puke

↓

You're gonna feel a little pinch.

pinch

↓

Lookin' good, Rabbit! Now don't move!

lookin rabbit

↓

- Hang on, buddy. - Hey, Cap!

buddy hang

↓

- Hey, Captain. - Bulletproof cup, huh?

bulletproof captain

↓

I invented this gag, Rabbit.

invented rabbit

↓

- Only in my day, the rookie got naked.

naked rookie

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

whoa

↓

And we also used blanks.

blanks used

↓

You're a sick motherfucker, Mac.

motherfucker sick

↓

- Thanks, Chief. - All right, Thorny.

chief thanks

↓

Why'd you call me up here?

whyd

↓

Good to know you're still battin' for us with

↓

the budget committee, Mayor.

budget committee mayor

↓

Well, I don't want to mince words, John, but

john words

↓

it doesn't look too good.

↓

Maybe not to the untrained eye.

↓

But if I was a bettin' man, I'd put money on us changin'

money

↓

the governor's mind tonight.

mind tonight

↓

Well, you might want to strap on your ass-kissing boots

boots kissing might strap

↓

and start right now.

start

↓

- I think she's your only hope. - Hello.

hope

↓

What is this thing again? Humane Society?

society

↓

- Uh, it's a drug bust. - Cocaine?

bust cocaine drug

↓

- Hello. - Uh, marijuana.

marijuana

↓

- Then why are we here? - Oh, I think we're pretty

↓

well covered, Mr. Mayor.

covered mayor

↓

I think she's got a lot of decisions to make.

decisions

↓

- I don't envy her. - Oh, I do.

envy

↓

I'll be lucky to have a figure like that when I'm her age.

figure lucky

↓

- Yeah. That's a good one.

↓

- We're sending someone down, don't worry. Okay.

sending worry

↓

Thanks. You bet.

thanks

↓

- No, no, no, no. We'll bring the guns.

bring guns

↓

We're on it. We're on it.

↓

We got it. All right, that's like twenty calls.

calls twenty

↓

I'll tell you what. I'll go down there and check it out.

check

↓

- What about me? - Burton, somebody's

burton somebodys

↓

got to stay here.

↓

All right, fuck it.

fuck

↓

Shit!

↓

Maybe this is the key.

↓

- I mean, no offense, bro, but...

offense

↓

when did you become a cop?

become

↓

None taken, Ramathorn. None taken.

taken

↓

- Really. How'd you know the key was there?

howd

↓

A gentleman never asks.

asks gentleman

↓

A lady never tells. Wonder how Rabbit's doin'?

doin lady rabbits tells wonder

↓

Oh, yeah!

↓

- Yeah! Yeah! - What does that look like to you?

↓

- Is the bear--

bear

↓

- Is the guy-- - Oh, yeah. Yeah!

↓

- Is the guy-- - Oh, yeah. Yeah!

↓

Seems more of a game warden thing to me.

game seems warden

↓

- Well, it's illegal, Burton. I know that!

burton illegal

↓

Whoo! Oh!

whoo

↓

Oh, shit. Look who's here.

↓

I thought you said he wasn't gonna make it.

↓

I tried.

tried

↓

- Glad to see you, Rodney. - Hey, how are you doin', Rowdy?

doin glad rodney rowdy

↓

- How you think I'm doin'? Open bar, ain't it?

aint doin open

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

- Thought you said Bowl-a-rama. - Yeah, I tried to call you,

bowl tried

↓

but, um--

↓

Yeah, right!

↓

- Give me six Schlitzes. - No Schlitz.

↓

- Whatever's free. - Take it easy, Rod.

easy free whatevers

↓

Open bar, dude!

open

↓

Hello down there. Are you okay?

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

- Bear--Bear-fucker! - Yeah! Yeah!

bear fucker

↓

- Do you need assistance? - Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah.

assistance

↓

Okay.

↓

Let's do this.

↓

Hey, hey, whoa! Whoa!

whoa

↓

Mayor Timber, yeah. So I just wanted to let you know...

mayor wanted

↓

that the governor's gonna have to leave early.

early

↓

For an emergency fund-raiser. So--

emergency fund

↓

Aw, she's gonna speak in about five minutes.

five five-minutes minutes speak

↓

And then we're gonna have to zip on out of here.

↓

Well, thanks for the heads-up.

heads thanks

↓

I'll go check on those guys.

check

↓

Mac-Attack! Wanna go punch for punch?

attack punch

↓

Good one! I did not specify.

↓

Never shit a shitter. Lady in blue, comin' through.

blue comin lady

↓

Ramathorn.

↓

What? I don't know. Two minutes?

minutes

↓

* Yeah, yeah *

↓

* Well, I got a ticket to ride this rocket *

ride rocket ticket

↓

* Whoo, sixteen ounces in my back pocket *

pocket sixteen whoo

↓

* Well, come on, baby, won't you take a little taste *

baby taste

↓

* 'Cause we're about to get on into outer space *

outer outer-space space

↓

* I got a ticket to ride on that rocket *

ride rocket ticket

↓

You weren't kiddin'. That's a lot of hooch!

hooch kiddin

↓

* Whoo-hoo Yeah, hoo-hoo *

whoo

↓

Holy shit. What's Grady doin' up there?

doin holy

↓

...and of course, your own local police chief, Bruce Grady...

bruce chief course local police

↓

has made yet another astonishing breakthrough...

another breakthrough

↓

in our state's War on Drugs.

drugs states

↓

- That's fine police work.

police

↓

Thank you very much. The real credit...

credit real

↓

goes to my skilled officers, who uncovered the marijuana

marijuana officers skilled

↓

in that Winnebago.

↓

And, uh, we have identified the dead woman

dead woman

↓

from that Winnebago...

↓

as a drug 'queenpin' from Louisville, Kentucky--

drug kentucky

↓

Lucy Garfield.

garfield lucy

↓

Or, as we like to call her down at the station,

station

↓

'The Louisville Smuggler.'

↓

There will be no more running of marijuana...

marijuana running

↓

through Spurbury on my watch.

watch

↓

- You can count on that.

count

↓

Farva's number one! Farva's number one!

number

↓

Hey! You showed Grady our secret stash?

secret showed stash

↓

That was our stash!

stash

↓

- I did not show Grady the stash! - Those bags of grass...

bags grass stash

↓

- represented a-a bond of trust between us.

bond represented trust

↓

Foster--

foster

↓

- Foster, I had no idea-- - Did you pick me because

foster idea pick

↓

you could manipulate me?

manipulate

↓

No! How could you even say that?

↓

- Because you crapped on my heart!

crapped heart

↓

I what on your heart?

heart

↓

What are you gettin' out of this? Is Grady

gettin

↓

puttin' you on the road?

puttin road

↓

No, a-are you-- You're screwing him too.

screwing

↓

- Asshole. - Aah!

asshole

↓

- Ursula--

↓

- Oh, Mac. - What the fuck?

fuck

↓

Fuckin' traitor!

fuckin traitor

↓

Hey, Mac! Did it work? Did it work?

↓

Was there ever a moment when you suspected her?

moment suspected

↓

- No, why would I? - Exactly.

↓

Why use your head when you can be getting some

head

↓

cop-on-cop fucky-sucky?

sucky

↓

Well, did you tell her anything?

↓

Two cops sleeping together. What the hell do you think

cops sleeping

↓

they talked about?

talked

↓

I don't know. Doin' it? Positions and stuff?

doin positions stuff

↓

Oh, shut up. You guys don't even know her.

↓

- Get it through your head, fish dick. She was in on it.

dick fish head

↓

Fuck you, Mac!

fuck

↓

All right, all right. Fighting's not gonna

↓

change anything.

change

↓

Foster, she played you good. It's called the honey pot.

called foster honey played

↓

You should have known better.

known

↓

Well, I guess they're gonna shut us down anyway.

↓

But you two are friends, you know? You shouldn't

friends

↓

let this come between you.

↓

Come on now. Shake hands.

hands shake

↓

- Sorry. - You should be.

↓

- Hey! - Sorry.

↓

Sorry.

↓

- Good, now. Who wants a shot?

shot wants

↓

I do.

↓

- I'll have one. - I said, who wants a shot?

shot wants

↓

- I do! - Do you have any openings

↓

in Sherburne, Cap?

↓

Not for you guys. - Oh, come on.

↓

- We're like the sons you never had. - If you were my son, Mac...

sons

↓

I would have smothered you by now.

↓

Smothered me in gravy, you big, dirty man.

dirty gravy

↓

- You put in for a transfer yet? - Ugh!

transfer

↓

I applied for a guard job. At the post office.

applied guard office post

↓

Oh, man. - You'll finally get to shoot someone.

finally shoot

↓

- To the death of fun. - Here's to you guys.

death fun

↓

What's up, dirty dogs?

dirty dogs

↓

Guess that's it for the old locker.

locker

↓

She stinks like ass, but I'll sure miss her.

miss stinks

↓

I guess you can say that about all my girls.

girls

↓

- What the fuck? - What the fuck to you too.

fuck

↓

- What are you? - I'm a cop. What are you?

↓

- A local cop? - Grady had an opening. Big deal.

deal local opening

↓

Why are you wearing that uniform in my station?

station uniform wearing

↓

Look who's talkin', Denim Dan!

denim talkin

↓

You look like the president, chairman and C.E.O.

chairman president

↓

of Levi Strauss.

↓

Where'd you get the Canadian tuxedo?

canadian tuxedo whered

↓

You ratted us out to Grady.

ratted

↓

I'm not even gonna dignify myself with a response to that.

response

↓

Hey, I got no hard feelings. Nothin' a few beers

beers feelings hard hard-feelings nothin

↓

can't fix, right?

↓

Hey, how about one on me, Ramrod?

↓

Excuse me. Uh, excuse me, guys.

excuse

↓

Yeah. I'll be right back.

↓

- What the fuck? - We should have taken him

fuck taken

↓

out the back and shot him.

shot

↓

- Aye, aye, Captain. - I gotta call Ursula.

captain

↓

Fellas, we got to get him back. He's gotta pay for this.

fellas

↓

- Nobody wears that uniform in my station.

nobody station uniform wears

↓

- Farva's goin' down! - Yes! Right!

goin

↓

- Grady's goin' down! - Yeah!

goin

↓

- All of these fuckers are goin' down!

fuckers goin

↓

Yeah!

↓

- What?

↓

Welcome to Dimpus Burger. May I take your order?

burger order welcome

↓

Hello in there. This is Officer Rod Farva.

officer

↓

- Give me a liter of cola! - Uh, sorry, Officer Farva, I can't--

cola officer

↓

You want me to come in there, boy? I'll come in there!

↓

- Hello? - Chase him! Chase him!

chase

↓

- Let's pull someone over.

pull

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

License and registration.

license registration

↓

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

↓

We are the Spurbury police!

police

↓

Whoo! Hoo! Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

whoa whoo

↓

I'm cool. I'm cool.

cool

↓

Grady! Get your ass out here!

↓

- Grady! - I don't want to sound

sound

↓

like a wienie...

↓

- but I think I should call Ursula. - No way!

↓

- You sound like a fuckin' wienie. - Gimme the radio.

fuckin radio sound

↓

Grady? Bruce?

bruce

↓

Fuck it, all right. Gimme the goddamn radio.

fuck goddamn radio

↓

- He's not home! - Hey, Chief-o!

chief home

↓

This is Officer Rod Farva. Come in, Ursula.

officer

↓

- What're you doin'? - Ursula! I love you, Ursula.

doin love whatre

↓

- Come in, Ursula! - Who is this? Hello?

↓

- Oh! Oh! - Oh, she's there?

↓

Ursula! Oh, I'm sorry.

↓

Sir, this is a police channel. Please get off of it.

channel police

↓

- I'm tryin' to apologize here. - Sir, this is not a civilian channel.

apologize channel civilian tryin

↓

If you'd like to have a conversation with someone,

conversation

↓

please go to Channel Five.

channel five

↓

All right, Thorny. Pop it over to Channel Five.

channel five

↓

Look what I found! A two-by-four!

found four

↓

- You go, girl! - Foster!

foster girl

↓

- Help me out here, Rabbit. - Foster, is that you?

foster rabbit

↓

I need someone sober. - You got it, Cap.

sober

↓

- And, hit! - My ass in your face, Thorny.

face

↓

- So-So, hey, what's goin' on?

goin

↓

Don't use that boyfriend voice with me.

boyfriend voice

↓

What are you doing?

↓

Don't use that boyfriend voice with me, Foster!

boyfriend foster voice

↓

- Hit! - Yea!

↓

Now, did you know that Farva was the one who told Grady

↓

about our plans?

plans

↓

- Yeah. I know. He's working for us now.

working

↓

So, I'm sorry.

↓

- I don't know. Can I come see you?

↓

I love you.

love

↓

- Listen, Foster-- - Ursula! I'm naked!

foster naked

↓

Listen, Foster? You want to get these guys back?

foster

↓

- Yeah! - I know a way we can

↓

get 'em really good.

↓

- Yeah, let's get 'em good! Did you hear that, guys?

↓

Yes, sir.

↓

Okay, I get off work at 10:30.

↓

Meet me at Route 9 and Okeechobee Road,

meet road route

↓

and don't be late.

late

↓

- She said, 'Okeechobee.' - She's okey-dokey.

dokey okey

↓

She's late.

late

↓

So, Foster...

foster

↓

- is this your usual meeting spot?

meeting spot usual

↓

No.

↓

- Fuckin' shit! - That was Galikanokus!

fuckin

↓

- Let's get him!

↓

Outta the car! Goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it outta

↓

Same shit, different day, huh, Rabbit?

rabbit

↓

Everybody outta the car! I said now!

everybody outta

↓

You're all under arrest for stealing a Spurbury

arrest stealing

↓

police vehicle.

police vehicle

↓

No, Farva, you are under arrest for being a total

arrest total

↓

and complete fuckhead!

complete

↓

Y-You don't want to do this, Rod. We gotta go

↓

catch that truck.

catch truck

↓

Using what? Super Citizen power?

citizen power super using

↓

Galikanokus is on that truck!

truck

↓

I'll believe that when me shit turns purple...

believe purple turns

↓

- and smells like rainbow sherbet. - Does it sound like that when I say it?

rainbow smells sound

↓

Farva! You are not stopping me from getting my job back!

stopping

↓

- Get him, Mac!

↓

- I got a job now. - You're a local cop.

local

↓

- You're goddamn right I am! - You ratted us out!

goddamn ratted

↓

No, Thorny. I barely had a job before.

barely

↓

Farva, get the coffee. Farva, hit the radio.

coffee radio

↓

Farva, clean the cells! I'm a cop, goddamn it!

cells clean goddamn goddamn-it

↓

I got my own car, now. I get to bust criminals!

bust criminals

↓

It's what I gotta do!

↓

- You screwed us over. - No, Thorny.

screwed

↓

Okay. Okay, I did! I did, I did.

↓

- I'm sorry, Rodney. - Come on, Rod.

rodney

↓

- Oh, Thorny! - No, no, no. Please. Come on.

↓

- Listen, listen. This is your big chance.

chance

↓

When we go up there, and we're wrong, no big deal.

deal

↓

But if we're right, you can be a hero.

hero

↓

Come on. Team Ramrod!

team

↓

Will you look at that?

↓

- We got 'em, Cap. - We got 'em, we got 'em!

↓

- Oh. - Fuckin' Galikanokus!

fuckin

↓

There's Canadian markings on that plane.

canadian plane

↓

Okay, Foster. You and Rabbit come around

foster rabbit

↓

in a classic pincer move.

classic

↓

- Mac, I need you to take-- - No, no, no, Thorny. Me and you!

↓

We outflank 'em, and we do, like, a submarine move.

submarine

↓

- Team Ramrod? - Shut up, Farva.

team

↓

- Farva, you're leaning-- - Wait a minute!

leaning minute

↓

Oh! The locals! I hate those fuckin' guys!

fuckin hate

↓

Goddamn it, you dipshits! If I had my car, I'd have

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

been in on this bust!

bust

↓

Shh! Rodney! Rodney, get your ass back here!

rodney

↓

Here we go again-- What the fuck?

fuck

↓

- Oh, did you see that? He kissed that guy!

kissed

↓

Shh!

↓

Holy shit!

holy

↓

God! We should have known.

known

↓

So, wait. The local cops are selling Afghani grass to the Canadians?

canadians cops grass local selling

↓

- Assholes! - No, Rabbit,

assholes rabbit

↓

it's comin' in from Canada.

canada comin

↓

Canadian grass. Ah!

canadian grass

↓

- Assholes. - No!

assholes

↓

The local mothers are running protection for' em.

local mothers protection running

↓

Oh, I guess I'm the asshole.

asshole

↓

I'm sorry we didn't wait for you, but--

↓

Listen to me, Foster. I need to tell you something.

foster

↓

- What, are you guys drunk? - No!

drunk

↓

- Your local buddies are runnin' grass! - Listen, I know.

buddies grass local runnin

↓

- I know what they're doing. I've known for awhile.

awhile known

↓

You know this?

↓

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you in on it?

↓

No! They keep me on dispatch. I didn't know what to do

↓

when I found out about it.

found

↓

- I was afraid I'd lose my job. - Oh.

afraid lose

↓

You should have just told us. We would have arrested them.

arrested

↓

- Yeah, we used to be cops, remember? Shh!

cops remember used

↓

I remember--

remember

↓

No offense, but the less you guys knew,

less offense

↓

the less you could screw up.

less screw

↓

- Oh. - I was trying to stop it

↓

without getting brought down.

brought

↓

Th-That's why I helped you find the reefer, that's why I helped

helped

↓

you guys steal the Winnebago...

steal

↓

and that's why I brought you...here tonight.

brought tonight

↓

- Ah! - You didn't do this because

↓

you like Foster? Shh!

foster

↓

No, I mean-- I do like Foster, but I--

foster

↓

- But you used him. - Yeah, I guess so.

used

↓

But I really like him now.

↓

Ah!

↓

- This is so good-- - This is kind of awkward.

awkward

↓

I hate to break up the 'like-fest,' but it's prime time for crime-time!

break crime fest hate prime

↓

But wait! Hey, hey, hey! Are you guys kidding?

kidding

↓

Look at yourselves.

yourselves

↓

You saw what they did to Galikanokus's girlfriend.

girlfriend

↓

And you guys are drunk, and unarmed.

drunk

↓

- Oh, hey, I am sober as a bird.

bird sober

↓

I am drunk.

drunk

↓

- What do you got? - No guns. They got flares.

guns

↓

And some string.

string

↓

Oh, Farva, you sad, lonely man.

lonely

↓

- Ugh. - Oh, wait. He's got

↓

your name written on it.

name written

↓

- Oh! - Ooh.

↓

- Chief!. Chief Grady! I secured the perimeter, sir.

chief perimeter

↓

Farva!

↓

Sorry I missed the call. Looks like we got 'em. Rock'n' roll!

missed roll

↓

What the hell are you doin' here, Farva?

doin

↓

Put that pistol down!

pistol

↓

- Qu'est-ce-que c'est ca? - English!

cest english quest

↓

- Chief!. - Put a bullet in him, Grady.

bullet chief

↓

What the fuck is this?

fuck

↓

- Grady? - Shit, what the fuck is this?

fuck

↓

Shoot it!

shoot

↓

- That's my car. - Grady!

↓

- That's my girl! - Grady!

girl

↓

Smy, Burton, check that out.

burton check

↓

- What are ya, drunk? - Drunk enough to kick your ass.

drunk kick

↓

Let's see what you've got, O'Hagan.

↓

- * Big Bear * - * His hide is tough *

bear hide tough

↓

- * Big Bear * - * He looks like a rug*

bear

↓

- * Big Bear * - * He don't take no guff

bear

↓

He's Big Bear *

bear

↓

Two-time Navy champion. Tag 'im and bag 'im!

champion navy

↓

- Way to go, Cap. - Give my regards to Bobby Baboon.

baboon bobby

↓

* Oh, Big Bear *

bear

↓

* Oh, Big Bear *

bear

↓

Hey, hey, hey, hey. You haven't opened it yet, have ya?

opened

↓

- How are ya doin'? - Hey, man. Hey, buddy.

buddy doin

↓

- Hi. - Hey!

↓

- Hi, John. - Hi, darlin'.

john

↓

Here we go.

↓

'Dear John...

dear john

↓

'Congratulations are due to you...

congratulations

↓

'and your men for your brave, impressive...

brave impressive

↓

'but most of all unorthodox tactics...

unorthodox

↓

'in thwarting the drug-smuggling ring...

drug ring smuggling

↓

and extreme police corruption.'

corruption extreme police

↓

- Ooh. She loves us. - All right.

loves

↓

'I cannot stress enough how proud we at the statehouse are of you.

cannot proud stress

↓

'The great state of Vermont could use more officers like your men.

officers state vermont

↓

'As you requested, we have reevaluated the financial situation...

financial requested situation

↓

regarding your unit.'

regarding unit

↓

- And we're gonna buy you a tank.

tank

↓

'Due to our tight fiscal situation...

situation tight

↓

'we regret to inform you that we are still...

inform regret

↓

'going to have to close your station.

close station

↓

'Good luck in Sherburne, John.

john luck

↓

'And give your men my best.

best

↓

'Sincerely...

↓

Governor Fuckhead.'

governor

↓

I did not see that coming.

coming

↓

I told you to bring the handcart.

bring

↓

- Sorry. - Tilt it.

tilt

↓

Oh, goddamn, I remember these things being lighter!

goddamn lighter remember

↓

I think I'm gonna drop a nut!

drop

↓

- Shit. - Hope they like foam.

foam hope

↓

It's not so bad. Good exercise.

exercise

↓

- Cool uniforms. - Yeah. All the beer you can drink.

beer cool drink uniforms

↓

I'm into that!

↓

Beer!

beer

↓

- Oh, God. - You order the keg of St. Anky?

order

↓

Uh, yeah!

↓

But aren't you guys the Highway Patrol?

highway patrol

↓

Yeah, but our station got shut down, so--

station

↓

Oh, no shit, man!

↓

Yeah, shit. This your keg?

↓

Oh, my-my Dad ordered it. But he's asleep right now.

asleep ordered

↓

Keg's here!

kegs

↓

Oh, St. Anky's.

↓

- Oh, God. No! - No, no, no!

↓

Hey, man. Hey, bro. It's cool, man. They got fired!

cool fired

↓

No shit?

↓

No shit, man!

↓

- All right, all right. Where's the keg go?

↓

Put it in the rec room, man.

room

↓

Make room, make room. What took you guys

room

↓

so long to get here?

↓

What'd you do? Brew it yourself?

brew whatd

↓

- I am cool. - You're cool, man.

cool

↓

Check this out. Um, why don't you guys

check

↓

put that, um...

↓

over there?

↓

- Move it, move it, move it. - We want a drink! Come on.

drink

↓

Tap this thing!

↓

Actually, you know what? I think it's better...

↓

Feng Shui if it's, uh, over there.

↓

Definitely. Definitely better over there.

↓

Oh, wait, wait. Guys. Guys. You know what?

↓

Man, it's probably better for the flow...

flow

↓

if you put it back over here.

↓

And don't forget to tap that keg, guys.

forget

↓

Okay, okay. Somebody's gonna need to sign for this...

sign somebodys

↓

and I need to see some I.D.

↓

Look, you know what? I don't have any I.D.

↓

But, uh, Abraham Lincoln here, he says that I'm 21...

abraham abraham-lincoln lincoln

↓

and he never told a lie.

↓

Yeah, actually it was George Washington that

george washington

↓

never told a lie.

↓

You guys drive a hard bargain, but--

bargain drive hard

↓

Actually, you know what?

↓

Why don't you guys split it?

split

↓

That was good, man.

↓

- Are you ready for the fun part?

fun part ready

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

'Cause here comes the fun part: Spurbury Police!

comes fun part police

↓

You're all under arrest!

arrest

↓

- Come on back, now. - Oh, yeah.

↓

All this for a noise complaint?

complaint noise

↓

I love acid--

acid love

↓

Cops.

cops

↓

What the crap? How come nobody called me?

called nobody

↓

- We're in trouble, aren't we? - Oh, yeah.

trouble

↓

You're in big trouble.

trouble

↓

- We're in trouble, aren't we? - Oh, yeah.

trouble

↓

You're in big trouble.

trouble

↓

And if you really want to choke somebody, you gotta

choke somebody

↓

hit the Adam's apple.

adams apple

↓

- Like this?

↓

* So call off the party quick *

party quick

↓

* Find a replacement *

replacement

↓

* Get your pink slip Quit your downtown *

downtown pink quit slip

↓

Loser!

loser

↓

Ping! Ping!

ping

↓

Ping! Ping!

ping

↓

Ping!

ping

↓

Farva!

↓

* Let's face it *

face

↓

* Get your pink slip Get your pink slip *

pink slip

↓

* Get your pink slip Get your pink slip *

pink slip

↓

* Won't you get a job Won't you get a job *

↓

* Don't be a fuckin' slob *

fuckin slob

↓

* Yeah *

↓

* Yeah *

↓

* Get your pink slip *

pink slip

↓

* Get your pink slip *

pink slip

↓

* Quit your day job *

quit

↓

* Quit your day job *

quit

↓

* Quit your day job *

quit

↓

* In the black and blue light *

black blue light

↓

* Now he's readin' your rights *

rights

↓

* He's a mean dog barkin' in the dust and the dark *

dark dust

↓

* In the middle of the night *

middle night

↓

* Ain't no better you can do *

aint

↓

* After all I'm through A trooper with an attitude *

attitude trooper

↓

* A trooper with an attitude *

attitude trooper

↓

* Said you're pumpin' that light You'll never beat it in time *

beat light

↓

* And he laughs in your face So you feel the disgrace *

disgrace face laughs

↓

* Now you're spreadin' 'em wide *

wide

↓

* Did you walk clean comin' through *

clean comin walk

↓

* You got troubles I'm sure A trooper with an attitude *

attitude trooper troubles

↓

* So he tried to make it clear *

clear tried

↓

* You're wishin' you weren't here *

↓

* You don't try to make a go It's all on video

video

↓

And they're sellin' the beer *

beer

↓

* The work's still comin' true *

comin works

↓

* You got troubles I'm sure A trooper with an attitude *

attitude trooper troubles

↓

Get out of the car.

↓

That's right.

↓

I'm talkin' to you.

talkin

↓

Aah!

↓

- Ah-ha-ha-ha! - I think we got it.

↓

subtitle edited by rogard

edited