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Home » Rick and Morty » S03E06 — Rest and Ricklaxation

Rick and Morty

Season 3, Episode 6 — Rest and Ricklaxation

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Rick and Morty

Episode title: Rest and Ricklaxation

Air date: August 27, 2017

Director: Anthony Chun

Top billed cast: Justin Roiland, Chris Parnell, Spencer Grammer, Sarah Chalke

Rick and Morty need a break.

Source: TMDB

↓

[ Bell rings, lockers slam ] So, Jessica, I heard you broke up with Brad.

bell bell-rings brad broke heard jessica lockers rings slam

↓

Who are you gonna date now that you can date anyone?

date

↓

I don't know.

↓

I mean, obviously if someone special comes along...

along comes obviously special

↓

B-But I mean really special, like,

special

↓

nothing I've even remotely considered in the past.

considered past remotely

↓

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.

holy

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

[ Exhaling ] He--

exhaling

↓

[ Coughs ]

coughs

↓

[ Footsteps approach ]

approach footsteps

↓

[ Inhales ]

inhales

↓

Morty, I need your help.

morty

↓

W-W-W-We -- We need to go on a quick adventure.

adventure quick

↓

You said I could go to school today.

school school-today today

↓

That was be[burps]fore I needed something, Morty.

burps morty needed

↓

There's a plasma shard in the Abadango Cluster.

plasma

↓

A princess has it. If I get it, I'll be awesome.

awesome princess

↓

We've been going non-stop, Rick. It's not healthy.

healthy rick

↓

You know, these are my teenage years.

teenage years

↓

I-I just found out Jessica's single.

found single

↓

Oh, that's -- Wow, Morty. Wow. What an exciting life you lead.

exciting lead life morty

↓

Let's go. In and out, 20 minutes adventure.

adventure minutes

↓

[ Steering wheel rattles ]

steering steering-wheel wheel

↓

Steady, Morty. Five cetons.

five morty steady

↓

♪♪

↓

Steady, God damn it! Two cetons.

steady

↓

[ Engine sputters ]

engine sputters

↓

[ Gasps, moans ]

gasps moans

↓

Fire! [ Screams ]

fire screams

↓

Pull up, Morty, pull up! Pull up!

morty pull

↓

[ Screams ]

screams

↓

[ Screaming ]

screaming

↓

[ Cheers and applause, triumphant music plays ]

applause cheers music music-plays plays triumphant triumphant-music

↓

[ Bottles clink ]

bottles clink

↓

[ Both sighing ]

sighing

↓

Fuck

fuck

↓

[ Screams ]

screams

↓

Oh, fuck!

fuck

↓

Fuck!

fuck

↓

Ahh! Ahh!

↓

I can't fucking do this anymore!

anymore fucking

↓

That was seriously fucked up. We almost died.

died fucked

↓

So you agree?

agree

↓

That was pure luck.

luck pure

↓

I was not in control of that situation at all.

control situation

↓

[ Sobs, screams ]

screams sobs

↓

Look at this, Morty. Look at my fucking hand.

fucking hand morty

↓

Look at this shit.

↓

I don't know, Morty.

morty

↓

Maybe I hate myself, maybe I think I deserve to die.

deserve hate

↓

I-I-I-I don't -- I don't know!

↓

[ Wails ]

wails

↓

We need a vacation.

vacation

↓

♪♪

↓

♪♪

↓

♪♪

↓

♪♪

↓

[ Relaxing music plays ]

music music-plays plays relaxing

↓

[ Device beeps, aliens purrs ]

aliens beeps device purrs

↓

Isn't that something?

↓

best day spa in the galaxy.

best galaxy

↓

It's not even cruel, either.

cruel

↓

These things are just doing what they do in the wild --

wild

↓

It loves swallowing stressed-out creatures

creatures loves stressed swallowing

↓

for 20 minutes and then puking them up.

minutes puking

↓

My whole body's like a baby's ass.

babys bodys whole

↓

Complimentary psychological detox?

complimentary psychological

↓

Removes all your cognitive toxins,

toxins

↓

[Gurgles] purifies your system.

gurgles system

↓

Oof, this guy on commission or something?

commission

↓

I don't think... Are you on commission?

commission

↓

[ Gurgling ] We're not on commission.

commission gurgling

↓

We get paid by the hour.

hour paid

↓

There's no incentive really --

incentive

↓

Oh, my God. Okay, listen --

↓

W-W-W-We'll try the machine,

machine

↓

but -- but I'd like you to try something.

↓

Try swallowing the giant ball of snot

ball giant snot swallowing

↓

that's dangling around in the back of your throat.

throat

↓

It's disgusting.

disgusting

↓

Nobody wants to hear that.

nobody nobody-wants wants

↓

[ Clears throat ]

clears clears-throat throat

↓

That's what you do.

↓

Man, did you hear me bite that guy's head off?

bite head

↓

Geez, I really need to chill.

chill geez

↓

[ Whirring ]

whirring

↓

All right, mister comedy man, you don't have to bust my balls. You're not helping things.

balls bust comedy helping mister

↓

[ Electrical whirring, clanking ]

clanking electrical whirring

↓

[ High-pitched ringing ]

pitched pitched-ringing ringing

↓

[ Gurgling ]

gurgling

↓

[ Echoing ] Morty!

echoing morty

↓

Ri-Rick...

rick

↓

[ Groans ] What happened?

groans happened

↓

We blew up, idiot! Are you really that stupid?

blew idiot stupid

↓

Obviously the guy I yelled at overloaded the machine.

machine obviously yelled

↓

It takes more than that to kill Rick and Morty, mothefucker!

kill morty rick takes

↓

[ Roaring ]

roaring

↓

But this might do it.

might

↓

Run, Morty!

morty

↓

That's because you're worthless!

worthless

↓

[ Grunts ] Jesus, how big was this explosion?

explosion grunts jesus

↓

I'm a genius. I don't have time for this shit.

genius

↓

W-W-We're in Hell, aren't we, Rick?

rick

↓

You're so stupid, Morty. You're an i[burps]diot.

burps morty stupid

↓

[ Burps ] There's no such thing as Hell.

burps

↓

I believe you, but I just want to die.

believe

↓

You can die when I say so. I control you.

control

↓

I control the universe! Why am I bragging about that?

bragging control universe

↓

I have nothing to prove.

prove

↓

I'm surrounded by inferior pieces of shit and...

pieces surrounded

↓

Toxins.

toxins

↓

We're not in Hell, Morty. We're in the detoxifier.

morty

↓

The machine didn't blow up. It worked normally.

blow machine normally worked

↓

It removed our toxins.

removed toxins

↓

We're the toxins.

toxins

↓

Are you listening,

listening

↓

you stupid little garbage person?!

garbage person stupid

↓

We're what got removed!!

removed

↓

I hope you both found that detox sufficiently relaxing.

found hope relaxing

↓

Hey, man, listen -- Those comments I made about your throat?

comments throat

↓

[ Clears throat ] It's all good.

clears clears-throat throat

↓

It's nice of you to let me off the hook.

hook

↓

It's still unacceptable behavior, and I do regret it.

behavior regret unacceptable

↓

Believe me, man, I've been working here a long time.

believe working

↓

I get it.

↓

Hey, uh, you mind if I put on some music?

mind music

↓

Not at all.

↓

[ Slow-tempo song plays ]

plays slow song tempo

↓

What is that?

↓

Are you kidding?

kidding

↓

This universe. [ Belches ] Oh, excuse me.

belches excuse universe

↓

We should listen to one random song a day, you know?

random song

↓

We'd end up hearing more songs we didn't like,

hearing songs

↓

but we'd discover a lot more that we did.

discover

↓

That is an interesting concept.

concept interesting

↓

You know, it makes me wonder

makes wonder

↓

if there's an algorithmic expression

expression

↓

that could achieve the ideal ratio.

achieve ideal ratio

↓

[ Chuckles ] Listen to me --

chuckles

↓

[Laughs] trying to calculate happiness over here.

happiness laughs

↓

Hoo, if anyone could, Rick.

rick

↓

Hey, here's something no science could measure --

measure science

↓

I'm real proud to be your grandpa, Morty.

grandpa morty proud real

↓

Thanks, Rick. I love you.

love rick thanks

↓

Yeah, motherfucker! Yeah! Get it! Get some!

motherfucker

↓

Right up your fucking bitch ass, you fuck!

bitch fuck fucking fucking-bitch

↓

Guess who just discovered a new element?!

discovered element

↓

You think you could do that, Morty?

morty

↓

You think anyone but me could do that ever in a billion years?

billion billion-years years

↓

Do you think if God existed he could do it?

existed

↓

The answer is no.

answer

↓

If God exists, it's fucking me.

exists fucking

↓

Yes, Rick. I-I agree, Rick.

agree rick

↓

[ Electricity crackles ]

crackles electricity

↓

I discovered the toxic equivalent of electricity, Morty.

discovered electricity morty toxic

↓

What do you think about that?

↓

Uh...I th-- I think my voice is annoying.

annoying voice

↓

It is, and it's your best quality.

best quality

↓

So true.

↓

Now, who can tell me the common denominator

common

↓

of these two factions?

↓

You don't know or y'all just bored?

bored yall

↓

Hey, listen, you know, wha-- if we're all bored over here,

bored

↓

wouldn't the common denominator be [chuckles] you?

chuckles common

↓

[ Laughter ]

laughter

↓

Normally I would come down on any kind of disruption,

normally

↓

but it seems to represent a positive change

change positive represent seems

↓

for your character.

character

↓

Class dismissed!

class class-dismissed dismissed

↓

- Awesome, Morty! - You done good, Morty.

awesome morty

↓

Girl: Oh, yeah!

girl

↓

Thanks for the advice, Morty.

advice morty thanks

↓

I did it, Morty!

morty

↓

Hey, Morty, remember yesterday

morty remember yesterday

↓

when I couldn't play the trombone?

↓

Well, check this out!

check

↓

[ Plays "When the Saints Come Marching In ]

marching plays saints

↓

Just like I told you, Mitch --

mitch

↓

The music was in your heart the whole time.

heart music whole

↓

Stupid hat -- Wish I had the courage to just be myself.

courage stupid wish

↓

There you are.

↓

[ Song continues ]

continues song

↓

[ Song stops ]

song stops

↓

but I know you're still the same pathetic loser

loser pathetic

↓

hiding behind a confident facade.

behind confident hiding

↓

I know that because...

↓

I'm doing the same thing, brother.

brother

↓

I'm not alone anymore!

alone anymore

↓

Hey, Morty. Word around school is you've become super healthy.

become healthy morty school super word

↓

I don't know about all that.

↓

I do, however, know that I have a pretty bad case of

case

↓

haven't taken you to dinner-itis.

dinner taken

↓

Might be fatal. [ Chuckles ]

chuckles fatal might

↓

Hey, kids. Uh, hope I'm not interrupting.

hope interrupting kids

↓

Morty, a moment of your time?

moment morty

↓

Happy to help, Rick.

happy rick

↓

I hate to bug you with this,

hate

↓

but after our morning hike I started receiving very faint,

hike morning receiving started

↓

highly unusual transmissions on my sub ether phone.

highly phone transmissions unusual

↓

Listen.

↓

[ Demonic whooshing, screams ]

demonic screams whooshing

↓

[ Recording stops ]

recording stops

↓

I downgraded to a clamshell for emergencies only.

emergencies

↓

You know, if -- if -- if something's worth saying,

somethings worth

↓

i-it's worth eye contact.

contact worth

↓

Uh, I-I-I traced the source of the call

source traced

↓

back to the spa we went to, Morty.

morty

↓

I thought I could hear a voice in there,

voice

↓

so I enhanced it, a-and listen.

↓

Gunk Rick: [ Echoing ] Hey, asshole!

asshole echoing gunk rick

↓

[ Normal voice ] Remember us?

normal normal-voice remember voice

↓

You fucked us, you pieces of garbage!

fucked garbage pieces

↓

That's right, you're fucking garbage, not us.

fucking garbage

↓

I'm a fucking genius and a god.

fucking genius

↓

You really think this thing can hold me?

↓

I'm gonna rip your throat --

throat

↓

Morty, what if the toxic parts of us have their own identities,

identities morty parts toxic

↓

their own will to live?

live

↓

W-What if mine shares my intelligence

intelligence shares

↓

and devised a way to reach out to us?

reach

↓

Sounds like he's in a lot of pain.

pain sounds

↓

[ Smacks lips ] Lot. O. Pain.

lips pain smacks smacks-lips

↓

But, you know, you shouldn't have to deal with that, man.

deal

↓

You know, l-let's work off your trauma

trauma

↓

with some urban spin yoga.

spin yoga

↓

It's amazing. You do yoga on a bike,

amazing bike yoga

↓

but you have an at-risk preteen --

risk

↓

I don't think I can just blow this off, Morty.

blow morty

↓

If I had known it worked this way, I wouldn't have detoxed.

known worked

↓

Well, I would have because I was toxic.

toxic

↓

Now I'm detoxed and I'm accountable to my toxins, right?

accountable toxins

↓

I-It's a dilemma.

dilemma

↓

Morty! Rick! [ Laughs ]

laughs morty rick

↓

You know, the only problem here is a big fat brain

brain problem

↓

that misses eating all them big fat problems.

eating misses problems

↓

Focus on the good thing. Trust me, things are good.

focus trust

↓

Taking that away from me... [ Chuckles ]

chuckles

↓

...that wouldn't be healthy.

healthy

↓

[ Ominous music plays ]

music music-plays ominous ominous-music plays

↓

[ Laughs ]

laughs

↓

Oh, man. World's Greatest Grandpa, for reals.

grandpa greatest worlds worlds-greatest

↓

It's not just a coffee cup for you, bud.

coffee

↓

You're legit.

legit

↓

[ Piano music plays ]

music music-plays piano piano-music plays

↓

I love drums. I never took drum lessons.

drum drums lessons love

↓

Why? Limitations. We are addicted to our own limitations.

addicted limitations

↓

How amazing is that?

amazing

↓

Is the kale prepared in the kitchen?

kitchen prepared

↓

I'll have a water.

water

↓

How is the... "cru-dite?"

↓

Crudité. It's a cup of carrot sticks.

carrot sticks

↓

Ha! It's okay! Pronounce it however you want.

pronounce

↓

Words are just things. Please. Thank you.

words

↓

We're having a conversation.

conversation having

↓

God, I am so excited to finally have dinner with you.

dinner excited finally

↓

[ Utensils clink ]

clink utensils

↓

It's like, whew!

whew

↓

I-I-I wish you'd shut up, though.

wish

↓

Just kidding. You know, you're so quiet. What's wrong?

kidding quiet

↓

W-Why don't you tell me about yourself?

↓

What's the atmosphere like on planet Jessica?

atmosphere jessica planet

↓

Where's the equator, what are the vacations,

vacations

↓

a-and the holidays?

holidays

↓

I mean, you know, [Laughs] are they the same time?

laughs

↓

Talk to me.

↓

Holy shit! Holy shit! We have a moron over here!

holy moron

↓

I'm an idiot.

idiot

↓

I can't believe I haven't thought of this.

believe

↓

You have to do this detox thing I did.

↓

It's an alien spa, you go through it,

alien

↓

fwoos-s-s-ssh,

↓

lasers, bwaa-bwaa-bwaa...

lasers

↓

[ Imitates lasers ] ...sucks everything out.

imitates lasers sucks

↓

Everything that was holding me back, everything bad,

holding

↓

I mean, it just... [ Makes suction noises ]

makes noises suction

↓

[ Laughs ] Right?

laughs

↓

Cooooool.

↓

Oh, my God! I can't believe this.

believe

↓

Yeah, phones are awful, I downgraded to --

awful phones

↓

I totally forgot my...

forgot

↓

I have a...thing, and...

↓

Things are good.

↓

That's more rude than the truth.

rude truth

↓

Look, I'm sorry, Morty. I just don't think --

morty

↓

Do not. Even. You have no need to explain.

explain

↓

It's all good.

↓

E-Exactly. Look, the sparks aren't flying.

flying sparks

↓

This is what dating is for, you know?

dating

↓

[ Laughs ] First date, no sparks.

date laughs sparks

↓

No damage, no worries. Life is a highway.

damage highway life worries

↓

We're gonna ride it all night lonnngg!

night ride

↓

Gonna eat some "crudite." Mmm!

↓

Is this organic? Mmm. All right.

organic

↓

You know, the evening continues.

continues evening

↓

Okay, here we go.

↓

Ma'am, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

afraid maam news

↓

Your money's no good here. [ Laughs ]

laughs moneys

↓

I'll -- I'll get the next round, sir.

round

↓

Aren't you a child?

child

↓

Morty. [ Sighs ] Stacy.

morty sighs stacy

↓

I've been watching you drink, Stacy.

drink stacy watching

↓

I get the feeling you've got a hard job.

feeling hard

↓

I wonder what it takes to please you.

takes wonder

↓

That's the job I want -- part time, full time,

full part

↓

I want to be good at it, bad at it,

↓

I want to get promoted, fired, corner office, hostile takeover,

corner fired hostile office promoted

↓

workplace accident -- I'm on my knees, Stacy --

accident knees stacy workplace

↓

praying, worshipping, begging, whatever you want.

begging praying worshipping

↓

[ Sniffs ] What do you think about that?

sniffs

↓

Okay. Fuck it.

fuck

↓

[ Glasses tink ]

glasses

↓

[ Tires screech ]

screech tires tires-screech

↓

Let's ask my grandpa. He's a scientist.

grandpa scientist

↓

Hey, Rick, are you familiar with "benoi" technology?

familiar rick technology

↓

Morty, great news.

morty news

↓

I went back to the spa and they let me purchase

purchase

↓

the containment unit from their detoxifier.

unit

↓

Why?

↓

What is this?

↓

Oh -- oh, and I think you dropped something, too!

dropped

↓

I don't want to be on camera.

camera

↓

I'm ugly and gross, please.

gross ugly

↓

Should I go?

↓

Then I'd like to stay.

↓

Rick, please tell me

rick

↓

you're not trying to put that stuff back inside of us.

stuff

↓

Morty, I'm sorry. That stuff is alive and it belongs with us.

alive belongs morty stuff

↓

We yanked them from their homes and locked them in a can.

homes locked

↓

[ Clanks ]

↓

See? They're living in pain.

living pain

↓

That's what they do, Rick, they live in pain.

live pain rick

↓

They are pain, you know?

pain

↓

They -- they're all the bad parts of us, which, by the way,

parts

↓

includes our dishonesty,

includes

↓

so how do you know this isn't all some sort of crazy trick?

crazy trick

↓

Oh, so now because I'm made entirely of toxins I'm also a liar?

entirely liar toxins

↓

Fuck you, you little sociopath.

fuck

↓

You hear this, Morty?

morty

↓

Y-You all hate me --

hate

↓

Healthy Rick, are we doing this or what?

healthy rick

↓

Yep. Sorry, Morty. I need you to step into the booth.

booth morty step

↓

Don't negotiate with that little turd, dummy.

dummy turd

↓

You're the Rick. You need to show dominance.

dominance rick

↓

Morty, booth, now. Booth!

booth morty

↓

Come on, Morty.

morty

↓

Morty, do the healthy thing and voluntarily retoxify yourself.

healthy morty voluntarily

↓

Nooooo!

↓

Is it wrong if I think this is kind of hot?

↓

Let me out of here! Stacy, help! Open the door!

door open stacy

↓

I need to hear our safe word, Morty.

morty safe safe-word word

↓

Sea Cucumber! Sea Cucumber!

cucumber

↓

What are you doing?

↓

No!

↓

It worked! [ Laughs ] Yes! That idiot believed every word.

believed idiot laughs word worked

↓

Now let's see how he enjoys living in that shit tank.

enjoys living tank

↓

He's right behind me, isn't he?

behind

↓

He's in front of you. Oh.

front

↓

Uh, is this like a sex dungeon?

dungeon

↓

I guess I should've been paying attention.

attention paying paying-attention shouldve

↓

After 70 years of being bottled up inside a [burps] sentimental jackass,

burps jackass sentimental years

↓

I finally get to live my own life.

finally life live

↓

You said we were merging.

↓

Why would I ever re-merge with a pussy like you?

merge pussy

↓

So...you were just gonna trap us in that tank?

tank trap

↓

T-That was your plan?

plan

↓

- [ Groans ] - Kill him, Rick!

groans kill rick

↓

I don't like this! This is scary!

scary

↓

All right, you asked for it.

asked

↓

Did I ask for this?

↓

Did I ask for this? Huh? Did I?

↓

[ Whirs ]

whirs

↓

Groin System 6000. Kill him!

groin kill system

↓

[ Whirs, beeps ]

beeps whirs

↓

That...is my groin's user.

user

↓

Believe me, I got a lot more use out of that thing

believe

↓

than he ever did.

↓

You know what? Not my table.

table

↓

[ Grunting ]

grunting

↓

You do know me. [ Gasps ]

gasps

↓

What the hell, Grandpa Rick?

grandpa rick

↓

Fuck you, Summer!

fuck summer

↓

[ Beeps ]

beeps

↓

Okay, okay, take it easy. Don't do it.

easy

↓

[ Rapid beeping, creature whimpers ]

beeping creature rapid whimpers

↓

I love you. Good boy.

love

↓

Daddy's little boy.

daddys

↓

Summer, get out of here! Go!

summer

↓

Oh, who's that?

↓

Who[burps]'s that over there?

burps

↓

Oh, no. You see the bad man in front of you?

front

↓

You're a good little boy, you're gonna get him.

↓

[ Creature roars ]

creature roars

↓

Ahh!

↓

Son of a...

↓

[ Grunts ]

grunts

↓

[ Screams, moans ]

moans screams

↓

[ Screams ]

screams

↓

[ Roars ]

roars

↓

Nice try, asshole.

asshole

↓

We can resolve [panting] our issues.

issues panting resolve

↓

We don't need to resort to over-the-top --

resort

↓

[ Groans ]

groans

↓

Aah!

↓

I-I did it, Rick. I got the tank!

rick tank

↓

I-I'm a piece of shit, but I got the tank!

piece tank

↓

You're going in that tank, motherfucker.

motherfucker tank

↓

You're gonna [burps] live in that toxic shit wasteland

burps live toxic

↓

like I had to do!

↓

Ahh! Ow!

↓

[ Screaming ]

screaming

↓

Gunk Rick: That's right, motherfuccker You're going in that fucking --

fucking gunk rick

↓

[ Silence ]

silence

↓

Dads?

dads

↓

Okay, just -- just leave her out of it.

↓

What's going on?

↓

All right, fuck this. Time for plan B --

fuck plan

↓

If I can't trap you in a toxic world,

toxic trap world

↓

I'll just make the whole world toxic.

toxic whole whole-world world

↓

It's okay, girls.

girls

↓

I-I'm so sorry I put us in danger with some of my behavior.

behavior danger

↓

I-If you'd like I can go out in the g-garden,

garden

↓

pick some fresh basil, and make us a nice Scallopini.

fresh pick

↓

What did the booger version of you mean

booger version

↓

when he said he was going to make the whole world toxic?

toxic whole whole-world world

↓

Believe me, sweetie, that man's motivations are a mystery.

believe mans mystery sweetie

↓

Screw that, Rick. We got to stop him.

rick screw

↓

What's the last thing you'd think about doing with that tank thing?

tank

↓

Morty, I appreciate what you're trying to do,

appreciate morty

↓

but it's not our place, you know,

place

↓

to pick and choose which world gets saved from what apocalypse.

apocalypse choose pick saved world

↓

Our -- our toxins have as much a right to their worldview as --

toxins

↓

Morty, how is it healthy to slap me?

healthy morty slap

↓

Obviously my version of health

health obviously version

↓

is a hell of a lot different from yours,

↓

you useless old turd.

turd useless

↓

Wait. That's it.

↓

How could that detox machine know the difference

difference machine

↓

between healthy and sick for everything that goes through it?

healthy sick

↓

It can't.

↓

It must be by the individual's own definition of toxicity.

definition individuals must

↓

That means...

↓

Dad! What the -- What the hell, Rick?

rick

↓

I'll explain on the way.

explain

↓

Gunk Rick: This "Moon Tower," Morty,

gunk moon morty rick tower

↓

i[burps]s the perfect height and metallic composition

burps height metallic perfect

↓

for the a[burps]mplification and beaming of toxic energies.

burps toxic

↓

What do you think about that, Morty?

morty

↓

Are you excited about that, Morty?

excited morty

↓

Oh, man. I'm just freaked out. I-It's too high up here.

freaked

↓

Once I flip this switch,

flip switch

↓

the entire world is gonna be just as toxic as us, baby.

baby entire entire-world toxic world

↓

[ Electrical crackling ]

crackling electrical

↓

♪♪

↓

[ Organ music plays ]

music music-plays organ organ-music plays

↓

God is a lie! We made him up for money!

money

↓

[ Bells chiming ]

bells chiming

↓

[ Laughter, squeaking ]

laughter squeaking

↓

Santa Claus isn't real.

claus real santa santa-claus

↓

You were all mistakes! [ Groans ]

groans mistakes

↓

[ Laughs ] We fucking did it, Morty.

fucking laughs morty

↓

Put your fucking hands in the air.

fucking hands

↓

Yeah, you little piece of shit.

piece

↓

Remember me?

remember

↓

Didn't you learn last time that you can't beat me?

beat learn

↓

Yeah, I did. And then I learned something else.

learned

↓

This. Ahh!! [ Screams, moans ]

moans screams

↓

That bullet is laced with an encrypted nanobotic virus

bullet virus

↓

that will disintegrate your Morty in about, ah, 20 minutes.

minutes morty

↓

You think I give a shit?

↓

I know you give a shit, dummy.

dummy

↓

Because I know I don't.

↓

Here's another thing I know --

another

↓

the decryption key that neutralizes the virus.

virus

↓

You want it? Come and get it.

↓

Merge with me and you'll know how to save him.

merge save

↓

Pfft. Come on, man. I've been trapped

pfft trapped

↓

in your pussy brain for 70 years of delusions,

brain pussy years

↓

but this is the all-time weakest bluff that I've ever --

bluff weakest

↓

Ow-Ohh!!

↓

He's cutting your time in half. 10 minutes.

cutting half minutes

↓

What is your problem?

problem

↓

Oh, I had all my problems removed -- my entitlement,

problems removed

↓

my narcissism, my crippling loneliness,

loneliness

↓

my irrational attachments.

irrational

↓

They must be somewhere. They ain't over here, bro.

aint must

↓

I'm not going back in there!

↓

Honestly, I don't care either way.

care

↓

I hate having you in me.

hate having

↓

And when I say "honestly" you can believe it,

believe

↓

because we both know I'm too healthy to lie.

healthy

↓

Watch. [ Screams ]

screams watch

↓

All right! Knock it off! You're not impressing anyone.

knock

↓

Morty, not that I give a shit, but are you okay?

morty

↓

Jesus Christ, it hurts.

christ hurts jesus jesus-christ

↓

Y-You're gonna be fine. Grandpa's here.

grandpas

↓

[ Laughs ]

laughs

↓

Y-You got to have a sense of humor about these things.

humor sense

↓

Oh, wait, you can't.

↓

You're literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture.

bigger incapable picture seeing

↓

I guess it's just funny because you've never done

funny

↓

anything but complain about me being in charge,

charge complain

↓

but if I ever gave you the wheel we'd be dead in five minutes.

dead five five-minutes minutes wheel

↓

- Rick? - You poor, dumb, sick animal.

animal dumb poor rick sick

↓

[ Weakly ] Rick?

rick weakly

↓

Ahh! Just do it!

↓

Just do it, you piece of --

piece

↓

[ Groans ]

groans

↓

I'm back, baby! Regular Rick! Master of both worlds!

baby master regular rick worlds

↓

Check it it out! [ Farts ]

check farts

↓

"Excuse me."

excuse

↓

Now we'll just reverse this hacky toxicity beam.

beam reverse

↓

Man, I really over think shit when I'm angry.

angry

↓

[ Electrical crackles, powers down ]

crackles electrical powers

↓

[ Moaning ]

moaning

↓

Mm, ma-mah.

↓

God is not a lie.

↓

[ Whoosh! ]

whoosh

↓

[ Bells chime ]

bells chime

↓

[ Animalistic screeching ]

screeching

↓

[ Wailing ]

wailing

↓

Mommy! Mommy!

mommy

↓

Ha! All right, Morty,

morty

↓

now it's time we re-merge your little ass.

merge

↓

You're a better man than me, Rick.

rick

↓

I'm healthy enough to admit that!

admit healthy

↓

That kid is a real piece of shit.

piece real

↓

Y-Y-You're gonna save me, right?

save

↓

Part of me wanted to, Toxic Morty.

morty part toxic wanted

↓

Part of me really wanted to.

part wanted

↓

[ Car horn beeps ]

beeps horn

↓

I'm telling you, these shares are hot. Yeah.

shares telling

↓

That sounds like a good idea. It's definitely a good idea.

idea sounds

↓

Duane, Duane, Duane, I get it, now can you get me?

↓

Have I ever lied to you?

lied

↓

That's right, and ask around, I never do, Duane.

↓

Let me put this real simple.

real simple

↓

This stock is a beautiful redhead, recently single,

recently single stock

↓

not looking to date but ready to fall in love,

date fall looking love ready

↓

and fate has put her locker two down from yours, Duane --

fate locker

↓

two lockers down.

lockers

↓

So step up or step off, Duane.

step

↓

Blue pill or red pill, what'll be, bro?

blue pill whatll

↓

Totally understand, Duane.

↓

You're the boss. [ Phone beeps ]

beeps boss phone phone-beeps

↓

Heinholz Biotech --

↓

million and a half at thirty-three.

half million thirty three

↓

[ Cheers and applause ]

applause cheers

↓

You little fucking monster.

fucking fucking-monster monster

↓

[ Chopping ]

chopping

↓

[ Crunch ]

crunch

↓

Mmm! Is this organic?

organic

↓

Mmm!

↓

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

cellphone vibrates

↓

Jessica: Hi, Morty. It's Jessica.

jessica morty

↓

Look, can we just talk for a minute?

minute

↓

Is that how long it takes for Rick to trace my location?

location rick takes trace

↓

Come back, Morty. I miss you.

miss morty

↓

You miss the old me.

miss

↓

You miss someone that loved you so much

loved miss

↓

you never had to love 'em back.

love

↓

How do you know I don't want to love you?

love

↓

Because I'm not sick.

sick

↓

Should I be jealous?

jealous

↓

I just realized that I'm scheduled to speak at that fundraiser

realized scheduled speak

↓

on our date night.

date date-night night

↓

I can cancel.

cancel

↓

You are the perfect man.

perfect

↓

Oh, sweetie, I think you hit the wrong button.

button sweetie

↓

You didn't hang up.

hang

↓

Huh. How 'bout that?

bout

↓

[ Glass shatters ]

glass glass-shatters shatters

↓

[ Mechanical whirring ]

whirring

↓

Sorry, tiny American Psycho,

american psycho tiny

↓

time to take the op[burps]posite of your medicine.

burps medicine

↓

Do what you got to do. [ Screams ]

screams

↓

Oh! Ow! Ahh!

↓

So, how do you feel, Morty?

morty

↓

Ah, geez. I'm miserable.

geez miserable

↓

I guess it's worth it, though, to know how much you care.

care worth

↓

Care? Me? Morty, I'm fine with you.

care morty

↓

I only did this for him.

↓

She kept coming to our house, Morty, and kept asking me

asking coming house morty

↓

"Did -- did -- d-did you get a new Morty yet?"

morty

↓

Because you kept drunk dialing me and crying about it.

crying dialing drunk

↓

I wasn't crying!

crying

↓

[ Rick and Jessica bicker ]

jessica rick

↓

I-I-I wasn't who I said I was.

↓

You weren't a 14-year-old boy from the Midwest

midwest

↓

who ran away from his family and capitalized

family

↓

on his lack of conscience by becoming a stock broker?

becoming broker conscience lack stock

↓

Oh. I guess I was pretty up front about that, wasn't I?

front

↓

You were up front about everything.

front

↓

You were my soul mate.

mate soul soul-mate

↓

Well... N-- Not anymore. I'll, um...

anymore

↓

Y-You can keep the apartment,

apartment

↓

and -- and -- and, uh...the drones.

↓

She can't keep the drones.

↓

They turn into a little Voltron robot.

robot

↓

They're awesome.

awesome

↓

[ Electrical whirring ]

electrical whirring

↓

You can't keep the drones.

↓

[ School bell rings ]

bell bell-rings rings school school-bell school-bell-rings

↓

So, how was your date with Brad?

brad date

↓

It wasn't a date. We were just having lunch.

date having having-lunch lunch

↓

You guys are getting back together, aren't you?

↓

Morty, I need your help on an adventure.

adventure morty

↓

Eh, "need" is a strong word.

strong strong-word word

↓

We need door stops, but a brick would work, too.

brick door stops

↓

Okay.

↓

Morty.

morty

↓

Good to have you back.

↓

Have you ever been peed on before?

peed

↓

Oh, my God. Yum.

↓

♪ Hey, did you ever want to hold a terrifold? ♪

↓

♪ I got one right here ♪

↓

♪ Grab my terri-flap ♪

flap grab

↓

♪ Squeeze it ♪

squeeze

↓

♪ Grab it, squeeze it ♪

grab squeeze

↓

♪ Tug on my terri-flap ♪

flap

↓

♪ Hey, I want to take you to ♪

↓

♪ The terrifold dance ♪

dance

↓

♪ Wanna come with me? You can grab my holdie-folds ♪

folds grab

↓

♪ Squeeze 'em tight ♪

squeeze tight

↓

♪ You son of a bitch ♪

bitch

↓

♪ Suck my holdie-flappy folds ♪

folds suck

↓

♪ Lick my flappy foldie-holes ♪

holes lick

↓

♪ My terri-flaps in your mouth ♪

mouth

↓

♪ Suck my flaps, you piece of shit ♪

piece suck

↓

♪ [ Echoes ] Whoo ♪

echoes whoo

↓

Man: Although only a handful of moon towers remain today,

handful moon remain today towers

↓

they were popular in the late 19th century.

century late popular

↓

An entire town could be illuminated by...

entire town

↓

What the hell is this?

↓

[ Beeps, hisses ]

beeps hisses

↓

Sea Cucumber!

cucumber

↓

Sea Cucumber!!

cucumber