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Home » Rick and Morty » S03E03 — Pickle Rick

Rick and Morty

Season 3, Episode 3 — Pickle Rick

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Rick and Morty

Episode title: Pickle Rick

Air date: August 06, 2017

Director: Anthony Chun

Top billed cast: Justin Roiland, Chris Parnell, Spencer Grammer, Sarah Chalke

It's family therapy time in this one broh. Classic stuff. Pickle Rick too.

Source: TMDB

↓

Rick: Morty?!

morty rick

↓

- Morty! - Rick?

morty rick

↓

- Hey, Morty?! - Rick?

morty rick

↓

Are you far away, or are you inside something?

↓

Is this a camera?

camera

↓

Is everything a camera?

camera

↓

Rick: Morty, the garage, Morty.

garage morty rick

↓

Come to the garage!

garage

↓

Morty?

morty

↓

Rick? W-where are you?

rick

↓

On my work bench, Morty.

bench morty

↓

Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me?

fart invisible

↓

Flip the pickle over.

flip pickle

↓

What, I'm gonna touch it,

touch

↓

and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something.

alien dick

↓

Come on, flip the pickle, Morty.

flip morty pickle

↓

You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge.

huge regret

↓

I turned myself into a pickle, Morty!

morty pickle turned

↓

Boom! Big reveal -- I'm a pickle.

boom pickle reveal

↓

What do you think about that?

↓

I turned myself into a pickle!

pickle turned

↓

W-what are you just staring at me for, bro.

staring

↓

I turned myself into a pickle, Morty!

morty pickle turned

↓

And?

↓

What more do you want tacked on to this?

↓

I turned myself into a pickle, and 9/11 was an inside job.

pickle turned

↓

Was it? Who cares, Morty?

cares morty

↓

Global acts of terrorism happen every day.

acts global happen

↓

Uh, here's something that's never happened before --

happened

↓

I'm a pickle.

pickle

↓

I'm Pickle Rick!

pickle rick

↓

♪♪

↓

Are you going to, I mean, you know,

↓

is this the first part of some magic trick?

magic part trick

↓

I don't do magic, Morty, I do science.

magic morty science

↓

One takes brains, the other takes dark eye liner.

brains dark takes

↓

Well, can you move? Can you fly?

↓

I wouldn't be much of a pickle if I could.

pickle

↓

All right, well, do pickles live forever or --

forever live live-forever pickles

↓

Morty, stop digging for hidden layers and just be impressed.

digging hidden impressed layers morty

↓

I'm a pickle. I-I'm just trying

pickle

↓

to figure out why you would do this --

figure

↓

why anyone would do this.

↓

The reason anyone would do this is, if they could,

reason

↓

which they can't, would be because they could,

↓

which they can't. [ Door opens ]

door door-opens opens

↓

Morty, we have to get going, or we're gonna be late.

late morty

↓

Where's your grandpa? Right here, sweetie.

grandpa sweetie

↓

I'm a pickle! What?!

pickle

↓

Why would you -- ugh!

↓

Look, we're running late. We have to go.

late running running-late

↓

Where are you guys going?

↓

We have an appointment downtown

appointment downtown

↓

that was set a week ago and agreed upon by everyone,

agreed week

↓

including you.

including

↓

Oh, my God. Beth, oh, it totally slipped my mind.

beth mind slipped

↓

Geez, oh, man. I'm a pickle.

geez pickle

↓

I mean, I don't know if I can -- ooh, geez.

geez

↓

Rick, did you do this on purpose to get out of family counseling?

counseling family purpose rick

↓

- Morty! - It's okay, Beth.

beth morty

↓

I understand Morty's suspicion.

suspicion

↓

I've misled him before.

↓

Morty, turn me so we're making eye contact.

contact morty

↓

Morty, I assure you, I would never find a way

assure morty

↓

to get out of family therapy.

family therapy

↓

I hope my lack of fingers doesn't prevent

fingers hope lack prevent

↓

the perception of my air quotes.

perception

↓

Can't you just turn yourself back into a human?

human

↓

Great question, Summer.

question summer

↓

The unfortunate answer is

answer unfortunate

↓

I did this to challenge myself.

challenge

↓

And it could take hours or even days

days hours

↓

before I'm able to figure out how to return to human form.

able figure form human return

↓

But, I mean, you know, your mom could put me

↓

in a purse or a pocket, you know,

pocket purse

↓

if she really needs me to go.

needs

↓

Nobody needs anything. Okay, it's fine.

needs nobody

↓

I mean, you should just stay here and figure out

figure

↓

how to stop being a pickle, okay?

pickle

↓

Hey, Rick, why is there a syringe of mysterious fluid

fluid mysterious rick

↓

hanging directly over you?

directly hanging

↓

Also, why is the string attached to it running through

attached running string

↓

a pair of scissors attached to a timer?

attached pair scissors timer

↓

And why is the time set to 10 minutes from now,

minutes

↓

exactly when we would have left for therapy?

left therapy

↓

Well, Morty, if you know must know,

morty must

↓

the syringe is completely unrelated to this discussion,

completely discussion unrelated

↓

and, therefore, it does not warrant further explanation.

explanation further therefore warrant

↓

Enough. Kids, it's time to go. We don't want to be late.

kids late

↓

W-w-what are you doing there, Beth?

beth

↓

What are you doing there, sweetie?

sweetie

↓

Well, I mean, you don't want to get pierced by a needle

needle pierced

↓

full of liquid unrelated to your situation.

full liquid situation unrelated

↓

How's that gonna help?

↓

Can't argue with that.

argue

↓

Great. We'll see you later.

↓

Hey, hey, be careful with that.

careful

↓

It's for something else. [ Car doors open, close ]

close doors doors-open open

↓

[ Car engine starts ] It's really important,

engine engine-starts starts

↓

so don't break it.

break

↓

Okay, I may have [bleep] up here.

bleep

↓

[ Groans ]

groans

↓

Dup, ap, ap, pap, ut, dah, pap, pap, pap, pah.

↓

T-t-tah, tah.

↓

[ Blowing raspberries ]

blowing

↓

[ Groans ]

groans

↓

[ Clicking tongue ]

clicking tongue

↓

[ Meows ]

meows

↓

Oh, great.

↓

Stupid cat.

stupid

↓

[ Sniffs, yowls ]

sniffs

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I know what it looks like

whoa

↓

to you, Izzy, but I'm not a snake!

izzy snake

↓

I've seen the YouTube videos, I know cats are scared

cats scared seen videos youtube

↓

of cucumbers and pickles because they think they're snakes.

pickles snakes

↓

[ Hisses ] I'm not a snake!

hisses snake

↓

I'm a pickle, I'm a pickle!

pickle

↓

Whoa! [ Grunts ]

grunts whoa

↓

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

whoa

↓

[ Groans ]

groans

↓

Oh, crap, that sun is bright.

bright

↓

Okay, come on.

↓

This can't really be the way I go out.

↓

This is the mega-genius equivalent

genius mega

↓

of dying on the toilet.

dying toilet

↓

So hot.

↓

This is how I'm gonna die.

↓

[ Thunder rumbles ]

thunder

↓

Oh, God, moisture.

moisture

↓

Oh, God, the moisture -- dial it back, God.

dial moisture

↓

Dial it back a little bit here!

dial

↓

Oh! Oh.

↓

[ Gasping ]

gasping

↓

[ Grunting ]

grunting

↓

Oh, God!

↓

Perpendicular, perpendicular!

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

Oh! Oh!

↓

[ Screaming ]

screaming

↓

[ Grunting ]

grunting

↓

Oh!

↓

[ Squeaking ]

squeaking

↓

Come on. That's it.

↓

Come get this delicious brine.

delicious

↓

Aah!

↓

[ Squeals ] [ Grunts ]

grunts squeals

↓

[ Muffled ] Come on! Come on, mother-fucker!

fucker mother muffled

↓

Come on!

↓

[ Grunting ]

grunting

↓

[ Loud crunch ]

crunch loud

↓

[ Panting ]

panting

↓

Yes!

↓

How is this even family therapy

family therapy

↓

if Dad's not invited and Grandpa won't come?

dads grandpa invited

↓

Yeah, and what's courageous about eating a hot dog?

courageous eating

↓

It's nobody's choice to be here, you knobs.

choice nobodys

↓

The family was told to get counseling by your principal,

counseling family principal

↓

even though it's not the family that was

family

↓

huffing pottery glaze in the art room

glaze room

↓

and desk wetting in history class.

class desk history history-class

↓

[ Door opens ] Oh, the Smith family,

door door-opens family opens smith

↓

minus a dad.

minus

↓

You're patients of Dr. Wong, too?

patients

↓

Temporarily -- by order of the school.

order school

↓

Me too. How long have you all been eating poop?

eating poop

↓

We...have never...

↓

eaten poop.

eaten poop

↓

Uh, me, neither.

↓

Say, where did my family get off to? [ Chuckles ]

chuckles family

↓

Smith family, I'm Dr. Wong.

family smith

↓

Come on in.

↓

I was told there was a grandpa that might be joining us?

grandpa joining might

↓

He got wrapped up in an experiment.

experiment wrapped

↓

He's a scientist.

scientist

↓

Like, legit, like on a an inter-galactic,

legit

↓

sci-fi level. His work is very --

level

↓

He turned himself into a pickle.

pickle turned

↓

Morty, Mom's talking. I'm sorry.

moms morty

↓

I suppose that's a good segue

suppose

↓

into our little discipline cases here.

cases discipline

↓

Does Grandpa turn himself into a pickle a lot?

grandpa pickle

↓

What?! No! What kind of question is that?

question

↓

The kind that wasn't designed to attack or hurt you in any way.

attack designed hurt

↓

Oh, Jesus Christ, one of these.

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

No, my father has never turned himself into a pickle before.

father pickle turned

↓

He's unpredictable and eccentric.

eccentric

↓

The whole family is. Speaking of which...

family speaking whole whole-family

↓

Okay, let's open things up to the whole family,

family open whole whole-family

↓

and let me ask this.

↓

Why do we think Grandpa turned himself into a pickle?

grandpa pickle turned

↓

[ Sawing ]

↓

[ Sighs ]

sighs

↓

Wow. Ugh!

↓

[ Snarling ]

snarling

↓

Hey, listen, I know this is your world not mine.

world

↓

The sooner I can get out, the sooner I can go back

sooner

↓

to taking big craps, and you can go back to subsisting on them.

craps

↓

You are one driven rat.

driven

↓

Could you be a little more driven?

driven

↓

To the right.

↓

Yes, yes, yes!

↓

Come on, come on, come on! Fresh, fresh, fresh!

fresh

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, was this your friend?

friend whoa

↓

Don't worry, he died doing what he loved, being a dumb fucking rat.

died dumb fucking loved worry

↓

[ Grunts ]

grunts

↓

[ Snarling, screeching ]

screeching snarling

↓

♪♪

↓

Oh, yeah!

↓

[ Grunting ]

grunting

↓

[ Laughs ]

laughs

↓

[ Rats squealing ]

rats squealing

↓

[ Grunting ]

grunting

↓

Aaaah!

aaaah

↓

I didn't say my father is perfect,

father perfect

↓

I said his work is important.

↓

And she's saying what's important is

↓

that Grandpa lied to you to get out of coming here.

coming grandpa lied

↓

Oh, he did not!

↓

Let's do an experiment here.

experiment

↓

I get the impression this family values science.

family impression science values

↓

So raise your hand if you feel certain

certain hand raise

↓

you know what was in the syringe.

↓

Raise your hand if you know for certain

certain hand raise

↓

the syringe does not contain anti-pickle serum.

anti pickle

↓

Beth, your hand did a little thing there.

beth hand

↓

Do you really not see what's happening here?

↓

Tell me. Well, Dr. Wong --

↓

by the way, racist name --

name racist

↓

obviously, Morty and Summer are seizing on your

morty obviously summer

↓

arbitrary pickle obsession as an end run

arbitrary obsession pickle

↓

around what was supposed to be their therapy.

supposed therapy

↓

Oh, I think this pickle incident

incident pickle

↓

is a better path than any other

path

↓

to the heart of your family's dysfunction.

dysfunction familys heart

↓

I think it's possible that you and your father

father possible

↓

have a very specific dynamic.

dynamic specific

↓

I don't think it's one

↓

that rewards emotion or vulnerability.

emotion vulnerability

↓

I think it may punish them.

punish

↓

I think it's possible that dynamic eroded your marriage,

dynamic marriage possible

↓

and is infecting your kids with a tendency

kids

↓

to misdirect their feelings.

feelings

↓

Fuck you.

fuck

↓

- Mom! - Mom!

↓

Fuck both of you, too.

fuck

↓

[ Snarling ]

snarling

↓

By the way, you might notice that in spite of

might notice spite

↓

your numerous distinctive features,

features numerous

↓

[growls] I never gave you a name like Scar or Stripe or Goliath.

growls name scar stripe

↓

That's because, to me, you aren't special.

special

↓

You were special to rats. Now they're dead.

dead rats special

↓

I guess it was me you should have impressed.

impressed

↓

God damn it, I love myself.

love

↓

Pickle Rick!

pickle rick

↓

[ Grunting ]

grunting

↓

[ Sighs ]

sighs

↓

[ Grunting ]

grunting

↓

Get that parkour.

↓

Get that parkour!

↓

[ Grunts ]

grunts

↓

[ Elevator dings ]

dings elevator elevator-dings

↓

[ All gasp ] Hey, it's cool.

cool gasp

↓

Just need to find the nearest exit.

exit nearest

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No need to freak out.

freak whoa

↓

[ Shouting in Russian ]

russian shouting

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

[ Panting ]

panting

↓

Who in the fucks toilet is this?

fucks toilet

↓

[ Alarm blaring ]

alarm alarm-blaring blaring

↓

What is it?

↓

[ Russian accent ] A pickle? A rat? Both.

accent pickle russian

↓

[ Russian accent ] It says it's a scientist.

accent russian scientist

↓

Where is it?

↓

It seems to be using the air ducts

ducts seems using

↓

and the mail tubes to get around.

mail tubes

↓

It's been gathering office supplies, we think,

gathering office supplies

↓

to build weaponry.

build

↓

But look what it did on the mezzanine.

↓

It transferred a bottle from the trash to the recycling bin.

bottle recycling transferred trash

↓

Whatever this thing is, it's shaming us.

↓

We have 34 armed guards, and we can't kill a pickle?

armed guards kill pickle

↓

32 armed guards.

armed guards

↓

He killed two.

killed

↓

It's on the phone.

phone

↓

Put him on, and locate the phone he's using.

locate phone using

↓

[ Phone beeps ] Hello.

beeps phone phone-beeps

↓

Rick: Hi, um, can you, uh, [belches] please let me out.

belches rick

↓

Your mere presence in this building

building mere presence

↓

violates international law.

international violates

↓

I couldn't let you out even if you hadn't killed two men.

killed

↓

You should know those men killed themselves.

killed

↓

And how is that?

↓

They didn't [belches] let me out.

belches

↓

Solen'ya.

↓

Shut your mouth and do your jobs,

jobs mouth

↓

you fucking children!

children fucking

↓

Uh, is this not a good time or...?

↓

Some of my men are calling you "Solen'ya" --

calling

↓

the Pickle Man, an old wives tale.

pickle tale wives

↓

He crawls from bowls of cold soup

bowls cold crawls soup

↓

to steal the dreams of wasteful children.

children dreams steal

↓

That'd be a lucky break for you.

break lucky thatd

↓

Go, shoot to kill.

kill shoot

↓

Aaah!

aaah

↓

[ Both scream ]

scream

↓

[ Gunfire in distance ]

distance gunfire

↓

[ Russian accent ] We got him.

accent russian

↓

- Ah. - Ah.

↓

Rick: Because this pickle

pickle rick

↓

doesn't care about your children.

care children

↓

And I'm not gonna take their dreams.

dreams

↓

I'm gonna take their parents.

parents

↓

[ Beeping ]

beeping

↓

[ Whirring ]

whirring

↓

[ Whirring ]

whirring

↓

[ Screaming ]

screaming

↓

Solen'ya! He's coming!

coming

↓

It's because I threw half-way my sandwich!

half sandwich threw

↓

He's just a pickle!

pickle

↓

He's a monster.

monster

↓

He's not the only one.

↓

[ Beep ]

beep

↓

You can stay, dead to the world and die in this room.

dead room world

↓

Or you can kill a pickle for me and earn your freedom.

earn freedom kill pickle

↓

There is no freedom while you're leader breathes.

breathes freedom leader

↓

Our country is a prison.

country prison

↓

Then Catarina is a prisoner.

prisoner

↓

Perhaps I could arrange her escape, as well.

arrange escape perhaps

↓

She lives, Jaguar.

jaguar lives

↓

Where is this pickle?

pickle

↓

What do you think is in the syringe, Beth?

beth

↓

You're the one that costs $200 an hour. You tell me.

costs hour

↓

- Anti-pickle serum. - It's anti-pickle serum.

anti pickle

↓

Your kids think it might be anti-pickle serum.

anti kids might pickle

↓

My kids pee their desks and suck on unbaked vases.

desks kids suck

↓

They're just angry at me for divorcing their father.

angry father

↓

I never said I was angry at you.

angry

↓

That's the point of pottery-enamel huffing, Summer.

point summer

↓

You do it so you don't have to say

↓

"I'm angry at mommy" out loud.

angry loud mommy

↓

Oh, my God! Oh, there --

↓

there's pictures of people eating poop in there!

eating pictures poop

↓

It's not my job to take sides or pass judgment.

judgment pass sides

↓

Do you think when your father asks for that syringe,

asks father

↓

you could ask him-- He won't have to ask for it, okay?

↓

He won't need it.

↓

He'll just make more.

↓

He doesn't need anything from anyone.

↓

You admire him for that.

admire

↓

It's better than making your problems

problems

↓

other people's problems.

peoples problems

↓

[ Whirring ]

whirring

↓

[ Screams ]

screams

↓

Oh, come on!

↓

[ Grunts ]

grunts

↓

[ Screams ]

screams

↓

[ Groans ]

groans

↓

[ Sighs ]

sighs

↓

Pickle Man, you should know this isn't personal!

personal pickle

↓

You should know that isn't original.

original

↓

They have my daughter.

daughter

↓

There's nothing I won't do to see her again.

↓

Yeah, there's lots I wouldn't do to see my daughter,

daughter lots

↓

but killing you gets me to her quicker

killing quicker

↓

than your derivative bullshit.

bullshit

↓

[ Groaning ]

groaning

↓

[ Both screaming ]

screaming

↓

I never bullshit, Pickle Man.

bullshit pickle

↓

This can only end with one of us dead,

dead

↓

and I have never died.

died

↓

That will be your downfall, Jaguar,

jaguar

↓

not being open to new experiences.

experiences open

↓

[ Gunfire ]

gunfire

↓

Is it done?

↓

Jaguar?!

jaguar

↓

Rick: Jaguar couldn't make it.

jaguar rick

↓

Do it.

↓

Okay, you win, Pickle Man.

pickle

↓

I'm unsealing the building.

building

↓

No, thanks. I'm coming for you now.

coming thanks

↓

Pickle Man, there's $100 million worth of bonds

bonds million pickle worth

↓

in a safe on level two.

level safe

↓

I'll give you the combination.

combination

↓

That money belongs to the people.

belongs money

↓

Shut up and call me a helicopter, you prick!

helicopter prick

↓

Do we have a deal?!

deal

↓

Take that money, give it to Jaguar's daughter

daughter money

↓

when you set her free.

free

↓

Or I'll be visiting you.

visiting

↓

Jaguar's daughter is dead.

daughter dead

↓

Huh, so you're a liar.

liar

↓

Jaguar was an animal.

animal jaguar

↓

You're an intelligent pickle.

intelligent pickle

↓

We can do business.

business

↓

I don't think so. See you soon.

↓

- Is the helicopter here? - Yes.

helicopter

↓

And the police are on the way.

police

↓

What do we tell them?

↓

Ooh! Aah!

↓

Tell them we were robbed.

robbed

↓

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

blades helicopter whirring

↓

Hey! Hey, what are you doing?!

↓

I'm right here!

↓

♪♪

↓

Farewell, Solen'ya.

farewell

↓

F-15s are scrambled.

scrambled

↓

This helicopter will be shot down in seven minutes.

helicopter minutes seven seven-minutes shot

↓

Well, my daughter is about five away,

daughter five

↓

and I've got about eight to live.

eight live

↓

Pickle Man, it's too late for me to tell my daughter

daughter late pickle

↓

I love her, but not for you.

love

↓

Oh, well, uh, she knows.

knows

↓

I mean, we don't really buy into that kind of crap,

↓

to the extent that love is an expression

expression love

↓

of familiarity over time, my access to infinite timelines

access infinite

↓

precludes the necessity of attachment.

attachment

↓

In fact, I even abandoned one of my infinite daughters

abandoned daughters fact infinite

↓

in an alternate version of earth

earth version

↓

that was taken over by mutants.

taken

↓

Okay. Good luck with that.

luck

↓

Wait. Do I have infinite daughters?

daughters infinite

↓

Huh? Uh, no. No, nope, sorry about that.

nope

↓

Nope, just me.

nope

↓

Yeesh!

↓

I...

↓

am...

↓

afraid...

afraid

↓

that my kids will get expelled.

expelled kids

↓

Good. Summer, you go.

summer

↓

I am mad...

↓

that I can't huff enamel

huff

↓

without people assuming it's because my family sucks.

assuming family sucks

↓

I hope to be seen one day

hope seen

↓

as someone that just likes getting high.

likes

↓

Good job.

↓

Morty, do you have an "I" statement?

morty statement

↓

I am sad...

↓

that I peed.

peed

↓

I'm sad that I peed in class instead of a toilet.

class peed toilet

↓

Look at this family go. You guys are pros.

family pros

↓

What do you guys think about doing this once a week?

week

↓

Ugh.

↓

[ Grunts ]

grunts

↓

[ Groans ]

groans

↓

You must be Rick. Mm-hmm.

must rick

↓

I've heard a lot about you today.

heard today

↓

Your family is crazy about you.

crazy family

↓

Your daughter holds you in very high regard.

daughter holds regard

↓

You're a lucky fella.

fella lucky

↓

Yeah, thank you. Uh, sweetie, you don't still

sweetie

↓

happen to have that syringe in your purse?

happen purse

↓

Dad...

↓

I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe.

↓

It's a serum that I need to, uh, to stay alive.

alive

↓

I have had a rough day.

rough

↓

And, uh, I've sustained a lot of damage.

damage sustained

↓

I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent.

close death prevent

↓

By changing you from a pickle to a human.

changing human pickle

↓

Yes.

↓

Rick, why did you lie to your daughter?

daughter rick

↓

So I wouldn't have to come here.

↓

Why didn't you want to come here?

↓

Because I don't respect therapy, because I'm a scientist.

respect scientist therapy

↓

Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy

create destroy invent

↓

for a living, and when I don't like something

living

↓

about the world, I change it.

change world

↓

And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall

mall office rented strip

↓

to listen to some agent of averageness

agent

↓

explain which words mean which feelings

explain feelings words

↓

has ever helped anyone do anything.

helped

↓

I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable

comfortable helped

↓

and stop panicking, which is a state of mind

mind panicking state

↓

[burps] we value in the animals we eat,

animals burps value

↓

but not something I want for myself.

↓

I'm not a cow.

↓

I'm a pickle -- when I feel like it.

pickle

↓

So...you asked.

asked

↓

Rick, the only connection between

connection rick

↓

your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness

intelligence sickness

↓

destroying your family is that everyone in your family,

destroying family

↓

you included, use intelligence to justify sickness.

included intelligence justify sickness

↓

You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind

mind viewing

↓

as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse.

curse force unstoppable

↓

And I think it's because the only

↓

truly unapproachable concept for you

concept truly

↓

is that it's your mind within your control.

control mind

↓

You chose to come here, you chose to talk

chose

↓

to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle.

become chose pickle

↓

You are the master of your universe,

master universe

↓

and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces.

blood dripping feces

↓

Your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand.

enormous hand mind

↓

I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless

bored doubt senseless

↓

by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth

bored brush teeth therapy

↓

and wipe my ass.

wipe

↓

Because the thing about repairing,

↓

maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure.

adventure cleaning

↓

There's no way to do it so wrong you might die.

might

↓

It's just work.

↓

And the bottom line is,

bottom bottom-line line

↓

some people are okay going to work, and some people...

↓

well, some people would rather die.

↓

Each of us gets to choose.

choose

↓

[ Watch beeps ] That's our time.

beeps watch

↓

I'm going to give you guys my card

card

↓

and hope to hear from you again.

hope

↓

And if you have any friends or family that eat poop

family friends poop

↓

and would like to stop, give them my number.

number

↓

I, um...

↓

I'm sorry I lied to get out of the thing.

lied

↓

I -- I shouldn't lie to you.

↓

Oh, it's fine.

↓

I mean, thank you, and, yeah, you shouldn't.

↓

But I hope you know that's not what

hope

↓

that session was supposed to be.

session supposed

↓

Oh, no, I mean, I know it was Morty peeing his pants

morty pants peeing

↓

and Summer snorting glue or whatever...

glue summer

↓

[ Laughs ]

laughs

↓

She huffed enamel, and we never even talked about it.

talked

↓

Well, there was so much more at stake.

stake

↓

[ Laughs ]

laughs

↓

I mean, that shrink, what a monologuist.

shrink

↓

Are we gonna go back?

↓

Sweetie, could I get -- get that syringe now?

sweetie

↓

Oh, my God, yes! Dad, it's in my purse.

purse

↓

Oh, I'm sorry. You must be in agony.

agony must

↓

Eh.

↓

[ Groans ]

groans

↓

[ Coughing ]

coughing

↓

Jesus.

jesus

↓

[ Coughs ]

coughs

↓

Jesus Christ. Therapists, man.

christ jesus jesus-christ therapists

↓

Weird breed.

breed weird

↓

Man, I missed having hands...

hands having missed

↓

and blood and a stomach.

blood stomach

↓

We should get a drink.

drink

↓

Really? Like, go somewhere?

↓

Yeah, let's drop the kids off and go tie one on.

drop kids

↓

Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

I -- I liked her.

liked

↓

So what are you thinking, like, Smokey's Tavern?

thinking

↓

Maybe Shoney's?

↓

Yeah, either one. Either one.

↓

♪♪

↓

Rick: You'll never get away with this, Concerto.

rick

↓

That is where you're mistaken, Mr. Sanchez.

mistaken sanchez

↓

This shall be my greatest performance of all time!

greatest performance

↓

[ Plays "Moonlight Sonata" ]

moonlight plays

↓

This is it, Morty. We're goners.

morty

↓

We're not getting out of this one.

↓

After everything we've been through,

↓

this is how we're gonna die.

↓

Make peace with your god.

peace

↓

Oh, geez, Rick, I-I-I don't want to die!

geez rick

↓

And now for the E-splat!

↓

[ Grunts ]

grunts

↓

Jaguar!

jaguar

↓

Who? Who was that, Rick?

rick

↓

That, Morty, is why you don't go to therapy.

morty therapy