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Home » Rick and Morty » S02E10 — The Wedding Squanchers

Rick and Morty

Season 2, Episode 10 — The Wedding Squanchers

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Rick and Morty

Episode title: The Wedding Squanchers

Air date: October 04, 2015

Director: Wes Archer

Top billed cast: Justin Roiland, Chris Parnell, Spencer Grammer, Sarah Chalke

The whole family makes mistakes.

Source: TMDB

↓

The trick to cereal is keeping 70% above the milk.

cereal keeping milk trick

↓

Jerry, get a job.

jerry

↓

[knock on door]

door knock

↓

Uh, w-why don't you get it, Jerry?

jerry

↓

You're the man of the house, and you don't have a job.

house

↓

[sighs]

sighs

↓

Delivery for Rick. Morning, Summer, Beth, and Jerry.

beth delivery jerry morning rick summer

↓

- Gross. What is that thing? - It's a courier flap.

flap gross

↓

It's like the intergalactic version of UPS

version

↓

but less off-putting.

less putting

↓

Oh, shiiit! It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson.

↓

Must be time for his annual Oscar party.

annual must oscar party

↓

And, by the way, our TV signals take light years

light signals years

↓

to reach his planet. Nobody tell him that "Braveheart" wins.

nobody planet reach wins

↓

(Birdperson) 'Greetings.'

greetings

↓

- 'This is Birdperson.' - 'And Tammy!'

tammy

↓

(Birdperson) 'Inviting you to planet Squanch'

inviting planet

↓

'for our mate-melding ceremony..'

ceremony mate

↓

Blugh!

↓

(Tammy) '...that means we're getting married!'

married tammy

↓

Oh, my God! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson!

friend marrying tammys

↓

- What the hell is a Birdperson? - He's Rick's best friend.

best best-friend friend

↓

Uh, l-let's not get carried away, Morty.

carried morty

↓

Would you like to RSVP or send a gift?

gift send

↓

No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake.

cake funerals weddings

↓

If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away

life throw wanted watch

↓

[burps] I'd hang out with Jerry all day.

burps hang jerry

↓

Affirmative! Returning to sender.

affirmative returning

↓

No, hold on, stay.

↓

- Courier flaps. Dad! - Staying!

staying

↓

You have a friend that's getting married. That's a big deal.

deal friend married

↓

It's a big deal he has a friend.

deal friend

↓

What do you know about friendship, Jerry?

friendship jerry

↓

- Confirmed, shipping Jerry. - Whoa, whoa, wait!

confirmed jerry shipping whoa

↓

- Oh, God! Jerry! - 'Aah!'

jerry

↓

- 'Dad!' - 'Dad!'

↓

- Where is it taking him? - I assume planet Squanch.

assume planet

↓

Six thousand light years across the galaxy.

galaxy light thousand years

↓

- Whoa, t-that's-that's insane! - Yeah, I know.

insane whoa

↓

Now we have to go to the wedding.

wedding

↓

[theme music]

music theme theme-music

↓

[electricity crackling]

crackling electricity

↓

[bottles clinking]

bottles clinking

↓

[whirring]

whirring

↓

Rick Sanchez! You psycho bag of squanch!

psycho rick sanchez

↓

Hey, what's up, Squanchy?

↓

(Summer and Morty) Hey, Squanchy.

morty summer

↓

Morty, Summer! And you must be Beth.

beth morty must summer

↓

Mwah! Ensquanche!

mwah

↓

You're language has the word "Squanch" in it a lot.

language word

↓

Doesn't that become tedious

become

↓

and worn out like the smurf thing?

smurf worn

↓

Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal.

beth culture literal

↓

You just say what's in your squanch and people understand.

↓

Oh. Okay. I squanch my family.

family

↓

- Uh.. - 'What, I do.'

↓

- I squanch my family. - Stop saying it. Gross.

family gross

↓

Come on in, guys. The guest are having cocksquanches.

guest having

↓

[flap whirring]

flap whirring

↓

[groaning]

groaning

↓

[gasps]

gasps

↓

- Where am I?! - You're at a wedding.

wedding

↓

Go change.

change

↓

♪ And I'm an alien with jazz rap style ♪

alien jazz style

↓

♪ Jazz rapping for an alien mile ♪

alien jazz mile rapping

↓

♪ Fat beats and an alien smile ♪

alien beats smile

↓

♪ Jazz space phone alien dial is my friend ♪

alien dial friend jazz phone space

↓

♪ I got a mouthful of jazz for your ass ♪

jazz mouthful

↓

[baby crying]

baby crying

↓

♪ And I'm gonna keep jazzing ♪♪

↓

[both squealing] Oh, you made it!

squealing

↓

I wouldn't it for the world! Oh, my God. I love your ring.

love ring world

↓

Thanks. It was Birdperson's grandmother's.

grandmothers thanks

↓

- She fought a squirrel for it. - Birdperson.

fought squirrel

↓

Rick, I am pleased you and your family

family pleased rick

↓

could witness my melding with Tammy.

tammy witness

↓

- Our pleasure. - Yeah.

pleasure

↓

I just hope you got a pre-meld.

hope

↓

- Rick! - What?!

rick

↓

It's just a practical way of making sure

practical

↓

that when she's done with you, you can get

↓

one of your balls back.

balls

↓

Jesus, dad.

jesus

↓

He's just grumpy from the flight.

flight grumpy

↓

Ohh, I-I was happy on the flight.

flight happy

↓

I'm grumpy from the landing.

grumpy landing

↓

[sighs] Well, I looked at the guest book.

book guest looked sighs

↓

We don't know a damn person here. Hi!

person

↓

Jerry Smith. Father of the bride's friend.

brides father friend jerry smith

↓

Advertising is my usual game, but I'm between--

advertising game usual

↓

Jerry, stop networking. We're in space.

jerry space

↓

"Jerry, get a job! Jerry, don't look for a job

jerry

↓

at an alien wedding!" I don't get you.

alien wedding

↓

This is the closest I've ever gotten

closest gotten

↓

to this part of my father's life.

fathers life part

↓

- I don't want to blow it. - Okay, I get it.

blow

↓

- I'm cramping your style. - You say you get it.

style

↓

But I'm scared you'll keep doing it.

scared

↓

Look, here's some humans you can practice on.

humans practice

↓

You must be Summer's mom and dad.

must summers

↓

We're Tammy's parents, Pat and Donna Guterman.

donna parents tammys

↓

Hi. Beth. This is Jerry.

beth jerry

↓

So you're teenage daughter's marrying a birdman.

daughters marrying teenage

↓

And you guys down with that?

↓

- Ha-ha-ha. No pun intended. - We're quite proud.

intended proud

↓

He's a wonderful person, and an incredible bird.

bird incredible person

↓

Still, what is he, 40?

↓

[chuckles] It's just, you know, when he was 30, she was an actual child.

actual child chuckles

↓

When he was her age, she wasn't born.

born

↓

When he was, let's see, like, 18

↓

she was literally in there in your womb.

womb

↓

Imagine being pregnant with your daughter

daughter imagine pregnant

↓

and a bird teenager comes into your home and says

bird comes home teenager

↓

"I'll take that. I'll have sex with that."

↓

- Give us one second. - Oof!

second

↓

Were you born with your feet in your mouth?

born feet mouth

↓

I was transported here against my will

↓

in a meatball, alright?

alright meatball

↓

So take your attitude to the men's section of Kmart

attitude mens section

↓

'cause you need to cut me some slack. S..

slack

↓

I want you to stand in the corner

corner stand

↓

and face the corner and talk to nobody.

corner face nobody

↓

Maybe, I will.

↓

You know, you're not being very supportive

supportive

↓

of Birdperson on his big day.

↓

Birdperson's big day, Morty

morty

↓

was at blood Ridge on Glapflap's third moon

blood moon ridge third

↓

against the Gromflamites!

↓

This? This is a losing battle.

battle losing

↓

Geez, Rick, it's not like he's dying.

dying geez rick

↓

He's getting married! I mean, what do you think's gonna happen

happen married thinks

↓

if you open yourself up a little bit? I mean, look around.

open

↓

This is your family and friends all around you, you know?

family friends

↓

Take the day off. There's nothing to

↓

'run from, nothing to fight.'

fight

↓

[whistles] That's his last name.

name whistles

↓

- Are you hyphenating it? - Squanch this, mo-fo.

↓

[both laugh]

laugh

↓

Good one, Morty. Excuse me, bartender.

bartender excuse morty

↓

Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk?

dumb grandson

↓

It's one part lame advice about stuff you know nothing about

advice lame part stuff

↓

and a lot of vodka.

vodka

↓

- Mm-hmm. I have a lot of vodka. - Then I'll take one of those.

vodka

↓

- I don't need the rest. - God, whatever, Rick.

rest rick

↓

[Rick slurping]

rick slurping

↓

Oh, it sounds like you and my dad

sounds

↓

have a long history together.

history

↓

Wish I could say the same.

wish

↓

The road your father and I walked together

father road walked

↓

is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies.

blood deeply enemies friends soaked

↓

Must be nice. Um, I used to have to draw him

draw must used

↓

into family photos with a crayon.

crayon family photos

↓

The war in which we fought is far from over.

fought

↓

We live our lives in hiding.

hiding live lives

↓

I guess I should be happy for you.

happy

↓

I mean, great, you guys got to hang out.

hang

↓

I hope you had a blast.

blast hope

↓

The galactic government considers us terrorists.

government terrorists

↓

It's unwise of me to share these details

details share

↓

but I've become inebriated.

become

↓

I don't know if you can appreciate

appreciate

↓

what it means to grow up without a father, but..

father grow

↓

The guest list at this wedding

guest guest-list list wedding

↓

includes 17 of the federation's most wanted.

includes wanted

↓

We have committed numerous atrocities

committed numerous

↓

in the name of freedom.

freedom name

↓

Annnd during that time, I don't suppose

suppose

↓

he ever mentioned his daughter.

daughter mentioned

↓

- Are those baby quiches? - Night crawler pate.

baby night

↓

I should prepare for the ceremony.

ceremony prepare

↓

Like talking to a brick wall.

brick brick-wall wall

↓

[bird squawks]

bird

↓

In the name of the Squanch, the six rivers

name

↓

'the four squanches, and the nine balls'

balls four nine

↓

I unite these two organisms in eternal squanch!

eternal unite

↓

Tammy, you may squanch your vows now.

tammy vows

↓

Birdperson..

↓

[inhales sharply] You are my seed, my worm, my earliness

inhales inhales-sharply seed sharply worm

↓

and my lack of cats.

cats lack

↓

I promise to be yours until your death.

death promise

↓

- 'Aww!' - Nice! Birdperson.

↓

Tammy, I was approaching infertility when I met you

approaching tammy

↓

but there is still time.

↓

I am yours until my death.

death

↓

(all) Aww!

↓

[burping] Aww.

↓

I now pronounce you squanch and Birdperson!

pronounce

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

[lips smacking]

lips smacking

↓

♪ Girl you got it going on ♪♪

girl

↓

[children giggling]

children giggling

↓

[in a monotone] I am not staring at you. I am a cyborg photographer.

cyborg photographer staring

↓

Just act natural. This is a candid shot.

natural shot

↓

I don't require a camera so...sorry.

camera require

↓

Hi. I am not staring at you.

staring

↓

[screams]

screams

↓

[glass clinking]

clinking glass

↓

Uh, hi, everybody.

everybody

↓

[burps] I'm Rick.

burps rick

↓

You know, when I first met Birdperson, he was, uhh..

↓

Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe

nicest universe

↓

because I'm the smartest, and being nice is something stupid

smartest stupid

↓

people do to hedge their bets.

bets

↓

Now, I haven't been exactly subtle

subtle

↓

about how little I trust marriage.

marriage trust

↓

I couldn't make it work, and I could turn a black hole

black hole

↓

into a sun, so at a certain point, you got to ask yourself

certain certain-point point

↓

what are the odds this is legit, not just some big lie we're all

legit odds

↓

telling ourselves because we're afraid to die alone?

afraid alone telling

↓

Because, you know, that's exactly how we all die, alone.

alone

↓

- Oh, boy. - Oh, dad.

↓

- Jesus. - But, but, here's the thing.

jesus

↓

Birdperson is my best friend

best best-friend friend

↓

and if he loves Tammy, well, then I love Tammy, too.

love loves tammy

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

To friendship, to love, and to my greatest adventure yet

adventure friendship greatest love

↓

opening myself up to others.

opening others

↓

- Cheers! - Hear, hear! Cheers!

cheers

↓

- Cheers to that, motherfucker! - Thank you, Rick.

cheers motherfucker rick

↓

That was beautiful.

↓

Gosh, I look around this room, and I think

gosh room

↓

"uh, Tammy, you're a high-school senior"

school senior tammy

↓

from the planet Earth, and you're marrying

earth marrying planet

↓

a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?!"

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Yeah, Tammy!

tammy

↓

But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways

ways

↓

I'm not a high-school senior from the planet Earth.

earth planet school senior

↓

In a lot of ways, what I really am

ways

↓

is a deep-cover agent for the galactic federation

agent cover deep federation

↓

and you guys are a group of wanted criminals

criminals group wanted

↓

and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.

building certain entire sense surrounded

↓

- Huh? - Oh, shit.

↓

- I don't get the metaphor. - I'll explain it to you later.

explain metaphor

↓

Everyone here is under arrest

arrest

↓

for crimes against the federation.

crimes federation

↓

- L'Chaim! - Tammy, what are you doing?

tammy

↓

- Sit your bird ass down! - Tammy?

bird tammy

↓

[gun zapping]

zapping

↓

[groans]

groans

↓

Birdperson!! No!!

↓

[guns zapping]

guns zapping

↓

[all screaming]

screaming

↓

[glass shattering]

glass shattering

↓

Holy..

holy

↓

[zapping continues]

continues zapping

↓

[groaning]

groaning

↓

[Rick grunts]

grunts rick

↓

Drop the portal gun.

drop portal

↓

Slide it to the center of the room.

center room slide

↓

[beeping]

beeping

↓

Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it.

confiscate damage somebody

↓

They'll want it at..

↓

[electronic whizzing]

electronic

↓

[explosion]

explosion

↓

[high pitched ringing]

pitched pitched-ringing ringing

↓

[muffled background]

background muffled

↓

[zapping continues]

continues zapping

↓

[grunting]

grunting

↓

[zapping continues]

continues zapping

↓

[grunts]

grunts

↓

There's no time to squanch!

↓

Get your family out of here! I got this.

family

↓

[gulps]

gulps

↓

[roaring]

roaring

↓

[deep voice] How about a taste of my squanch?!

deep deep-voice taste voice

↓

[growling]

growling

↓

[screaming]

screaming

↓

- Come on, this way! - 'Squanch this!'

↓

[gun zapping]

zapping

↓

[engine turns over]

engine turns

↓

Good thing I grabbed a space weapon.

grabbed space weapon

↓

(Rick) 'That's a confetti gun, you fucking idiot!'

fucking fucking-idiot idiot rick

↓

- Dad! - Hold on tight!

tight

↓

[all exclaiming]

exclaiming

↓

Aaah!!

aaah

↓

- Ah! - Aaaah!! Aaah!!

aaaah aaah

↓

[door closes]

closes door door-closes

↓

[sirens wailing]

sirens sirens-wailing wailing

↓

God damn it! God damn it!!

↓

[whooshing]

whooshing

↓

[sirens wailing]

sirens sirens-wailing wailing

↓

[crashing]

crashing

↓

What the hell happened back there?!

happened

↓

This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid.

stupid weddings

↓

Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us

rick

↓

about your relationship

relationship

↓

with this previously unknown galactic government?

government previously unknown

↓

All the important points seem pretty clear, no?

clear points

↓

They think they control the galaxy, I disagree.

control disagree galaxy

↓

Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

game hate player

↓

How could you be so dishonest with this family?

family

↓

Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting

open trusting

↓

and loving like, oh, I don't know

loving

↓

my now dead best friend? Or your daughter

best best-friend daughter dead friend

↓

who is bffs with an intergalactic narc?

narc

↓

- Hey, Tammy was cool! - And now we know why.

cool tammy

↓

Because of you!

↓

Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government

fuck government summer

↓

and fuck me for letting my guard down

fuck guard letting

↓

which I will never do again.

↓

Geez, Rick! You can't say "f you" to your granddaughter.

geez rick

↓

I just did, Morty. Here's dessert. Fuck you.

dessert fuck morty

↓

Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding.

tough wedding

↓

Actually, the wedding was beautiful.

wedding

↓

The reception got out of hand.

hand reception

↓

Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off

home sleep

↓

and have a family meeting in the morning.

family meeting morning

↓

Yeah, about going home, we can't, ever.

home

↓

- Wait! - What?!

↓

Oh, these guys are looking for us now.

looking

↓

Earth will be swarming with them.

earth

↓

- Us?! I want to go home! - Jerry..

home jerry

↓

Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free

earth free wants

↓

to go back to Earth, but here's what's gonna happen.

earth happen

↓

Aliens bureaucrats are gonna arrest you.

aliens arrest

↓

They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent

↓

of [burps] jumper cables under your nuts and or labia

burps cables jumper nuts

↓

and hook them up to an alien car battery

alien battery hook

↓

'until you tell them where I am'

↓

'which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know'

guarantee

↓

which I guarantee they won't believe.

believe guarantee

↓

So who's homesick? By applause. Ladies? Anybody?

anybody applause ladies

↓

What are we going to do? Where are we going to live?

live

↓

Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth.

blessing disguise earth easy fuck

↓

You realize our planet's name means dirt, right?

dirt name planets realize

↓

We'll find a new world.

world

↓

Computer, how many planets in the milky way

computer milky planets

↓

are at least 90% similar to Earth?

earth least similar

↓

(female automated voice) 'Seven hundred sixty five known planets.'

automated automated-voice female five hundred known planets seven sixty voice

↓

How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

federal

↓

[computer beeping]

beeping computer

↓

- 'Three.' - See? Our cup runneth over.

three

↓

Now, who wants to go shopping

shopping wants

↓

for a brand-new motherfucking world?!

brand motherfucking world

↓

Alright! Look at this baby!

alright baby

↓

'Would you even know that wasn't Earth?'

earth

↓

(Morty) 'Yes, because there's no Africa.'

africa morty

↓

(Rick) 'Pssh. White-people problems, Morty.'

morty problems rick white

↓

'Let's go down and check her out.'

check

↓

[thud]

thud

↓

'Oh. I thought it was further away. I, uh..'

further

↓

'...I guess this one's a little small.'

ones

↓

'Alright, uh, maybe- maybe'

alright

↓

'we should go check out the other two, huh?'

check

↓

[whooshing]

whooshing

↓

Okay, this one's bigger.

bigger ones

↓

- This looks nice. - Mom, dad, look!

↓

Strawberries on a cob!

↓

[munching]

↓

Whoa! Hey, check this out!

check whoa

↓

- Flowers on a cob! Ha-ha! - Huh.

flowers

↓

Strawberries and flowers on a cob, huh? That's pretty cool.

cool flowers

↓

Are those mountains on a cob?

mountains

↓

[birds cawing]

birds

↓

(Rick) 'Oh, my God.'

rick

↓

[lens whirring]

lens whirring

↓

- Get in the ship, sweetie. - What?

ship sweetie

↓

Get in the ship goddam ship! Everything's on a cob!!

everythings ship

↓

The whole planet's on a cob!! Go, go, go!!

planets whole

↓

[engine turns over]

engine turns

↓

[engine whooshing]

engine whooshing

↓

[Rick burps] 'Alright, third time's the charm.'

alright burps charm rick third times

↓

'See what we got here.'

↓

[engine whooshing]

engine whooshing

↓

[thuds]

thuds

↓

- Seems good. - And nothing on the cob.

seems

↓

Didn't know that was a necessity, but--

↓

No, it's nice. I-I think this might be it.

might

↓

Wow! Hey, look, you guys. The sun's rising.

rising suns

↓

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

↓

Uh, dad, how long are the days on this planet?

days planet

↓

Uh, computer, how long are the days on this planet?

computer days planet

↓

(female automated voice) 'Forty-two hours.'

automated automated-voice female forty hours voice

↓

Alright, well, those are the two choices

alright choices

↓

'cause cob planet is off the table. Now let's take a vote.

planet table vote

↓

(male TV presenter) 'Well, it's official. The obscure planet known as Earth'

earth known male obscure official planet

↓

formerly the hiding place of interstellar terrorist

hiding interstellar place terrorist

↓

and fugitive Rick Sanchez, has just become the 6,048th planet

become fugitive planet rick sanchez

↓

'to join the galactic federation.'

federation join

↓

The plucky little ball of water and dirt

ball dirt water

↓

'which is where it gets its name'

name

↓

'is dominated by seven billion primate-descended natives'

billion seven

↓

'who love to eat spaghetti and pray to kangaroos.'

love pray spaghetti

↓

Spaghetti, kangaroos? I've got to check this place out.

check place spaghetti

↓

[both laugh]

laugh

↓

Well, you can. Contact the ministry of tourism for details.

contact details

↓

Up next, teenagers are calling it..

calling teenagers

↓

[growls and squeals]

growls squeals

↓

And it's not what you think.

↓

What are you.. What did you do that for?

↓

- Dramatic effect. - Good morning, family.

dramatic effect family morning

↓

Oh, do I smell bacon?

bacon smell

↓

Yes, we discovered a species of tiny pig

discovered species tiny

↓

off the coast of new Australia about 30 yards east.

australia coast east yards

↓

Or 300 yards west.

west yards

↓

We'd offer you some, but we hunted it

offer

↓

to extinction for breakfast.

breakfast

↓

Well, I thought I'd walk to the South pole

pole south walk

↓

and do a little bit of exploring.

↓

If you guys need me, just yell or throw something so hard

hard throw yell

↓

that it goes around the world and hits me.

hits world

↓

Okay, now that he's gone

gone

↓

can we please talk about our situation?

situation

↓

Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back.

behind

↓

You know, it's a small world.

world

↓

Please, he's in the South pole!

pole south

↓

And we need to have a serious conversation.

conversation serious

↓

[insects chirping]

chirping insects

↓

[thunder rumbles]

thunder

↓

[wind howling]

howling wind

↓

South pole discovered, baby!

baby discovered pole south

↓

Ohhhh! Oh fuck!

fuck ohhhh

↓

An ice cave? Shit!

cave

↓

Things just keep on getting better.

↓

[core bubbling]

bubbling core

↓

Wow, it's the planet's core.

core planets

↓

(Jerry) 'I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options'

acting jerry options

↓

but there's not.

↓

So, yes, if we went back to Earth

earth

↓

as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us.

rick theyd

↓

But, and this is purely hypothetical

hypothetical purely

↓

what if we turned your father in to the government?

father government turned

↓

Jerry, so help me God

jerry

↓

if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

bacon bring

↓

There already is no more bacon! This world sucks!

bacon sucks world

↓

Our life sucks!

life life-sucks sucks

↓

'Why are we doing this for someone'

↓

'that would never do anything for anyone but himself?'

↓

(Morty) 'That's not the point, dad! We love Rick..'

love love-rick morty point rick

↓

- 'F-for the most part.' - 'Yeah.'

part

↓

(Summer) 'You don't love people in hopes of a reward, dad.'

hopes love reward summer

↓

'You love them unconditionally.'

love

↓

That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.

kids proud

↓

Okay, so let me get this straight.

straight

↓

For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you,

hurts lives matter rest

↓

no matter how much it destroys our children's futures

childrens futures matter

↓

we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?

rick wants

↓

- Yes! - Why?!

↓

Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!!

asshole dumb

↓

[core bubbling]

bubbling core

↓

Hey. Uh..

↓

I was gonna hope over to the Gloppydrop system

hope system

↓

get some ice cream.

cream

↓

You-you want me to come with?

↓

I mean, d-don't you need my brain waves

brain waves

↓

for camouflage or something?

↓

- I'll be okay. Bye, Morty. - Rick?

morty rick

↓

- You're not leaving, right? - Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.

cream leaving

↓

So, you're coming back?

coming

↓

Morty, if you go to where there's a bunch of ice cream

bunch cream morty

↓

and then you don't come back

↓

you haven't actually gotten ice cream

cream gotten

↓

you've just gone where ice cream is.

cream gone

↓

Rick, I can handle it if you go

handle rick

↓

but you'll break mom's heart.

break heart moms

↓

And I won't forgive you for that.

forgive

↓

Where's the van, Morty?

morty

↓

It's over the horizon in the driveway.

driveway horizon

↓

[engine turns over]

engine turns

↓

[engine sputtering]

engine

↓

♪ I hurt myself today.. ♪

hurt today

↓

[dialing]

dialing

↓

[woman speaking gibberish]

gibberish speaking woman

↓

(female automated voice) 'For English, press two.'

automated automated-voice english female press voice

↓

[beep] 'Connecting to agent.'

agent beep connecting

↓

(female #1) 'Ongoing investigations.'

female

↓

Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith, I'm from planet Earth.

earth jerry name planet smith

↓

I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal.

criminal rick sanchez wanted whereabouts

↓

(female #1) 'Hold on!'

female

↓

(Gribbles) 'This is special agent Gribbles.'

agent special

↓

'You have a tip about Rick Sanchez?'

rick sanchez

↓

Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family

family kidnapped

↓

and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9.

left

↓

He said he was gonna go to the Plimplom Tavern.

↓

- And listen. - 'Yes?'

↓

I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you

calling galaxy

↓

so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life?

earth family life normal normal-life

↓

(Gribbles) 'We only want Sanchez, sir. Your family will be fine.'

family sanchez

↓

Nice. Thank you.

↓

I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty

jerry love smith sucking sweaty

↓

boners and licking disgusting furry testicle sacks.

boners disgusting furry licking sacks testicle

↓

(Gribbles) 'Uh, okay.'

↓

♪ What have I become ♪

become

↓

♪ My sweetest friend ♪

friend

↓

♪ Everyone I know ♪

↓

♪ Goes away in the end.. ♪

↓

[dramatic music]

dramatic dramatic-music music

↓

- He's not coming back is he? - No.

coming

↓

♪ My empire of dirt.. ♪

dirt empire

↓

Hey, look, cops.

cops

↓

♪ I will you down.. ♪

↓

Good morning.

morning

↓

♪ I will make you hurt.. ♪

hurt

↓

How long will you be visiting Earth?

earth visiting

↓

Oh, we live here.

live

↓

We were just off-planet for a wedding.

planet wedding

↓

Go that way.

↓

[robots whirring]

robots whirring

↓

[computer beeping]

beeping computer

↓

[robots whirring]

robots whirring

↓

[aliens mumbling]

aliens mumbling

↓

[siren wailing]

siren siren-wailing wailing

↓

[beeping]

beeping

↓

(robot) I have processed that you are in in distress

distress robot

↓

and have proscribed antidepressants.

↓

Compliments of the galactic federation.

compliments federation

↓

I feel better.

↓

Your debt is 7,000 fed credits.

credits debt

↓

Report to the ministry of employment

report

↓

and you will be assigned a function.

assigned function

↓

Honey! I got a job!

honey

↓

♪ You could have it all.. ♪

↓

[monotone] Sorry, I am not staring at you, I am taking your mug shot.

shot staring

↓

♪ My empire of dirt ♪

dirt empire

↓

♪ I will let you down ♪

↓

♪ I will make you hurt ♪♪

hurt

↓

[somber music]

music somber somber-music

↓

[thuds]

thuds

↓

- Hey, what are you in for? - Everything.

↓

[outro theme]

theme

↓

Hoo-whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my!

cliffhanger whee

↓

That's a real crazy ending, huh?

crazy ending real

↓

Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204.

episode

↓

[groans] As you can see, I'm still recovering from the bullet shot

bullet groans recovering shot

↓

that I got from Beth.

beth

↓

Remember that one? Ooh-whee!

remember whee

↓

[meowing]

meowing

↓

Come and get it, kitty.

kitty

↓

You know, these little fellows help me get through the day.

fellows

↓

[gulping] Ooh-whee. Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.

feels gulping whee whoo

↓

[doorbell rings]

doorbell doorbell-rings rings

↓

I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks.

crazy pepperoni sticks

↓

Hey, what did you think of that finale, huh? Mm!

finale

↓

You think t-t-the Smith family is gonna be okay?

family smith

↓

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, bro.

↓

- Your total is $12.37. - Whoo-whee!

total whee whoo

↓

You think Rick's gonna get out off jail?

jail

↓

Whoo-whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?

familys rescue whee whoo

↓

Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me!

fuck

↓

- Ooh-whee! Ow! - Get the fuck off!

fuck whee

↓

Turn in to "Rick and Morty" season three in

morty rick season three

↓

like, a year and a half..

half

↓

...or longer to see how we unravel this mess.

longer mess

↓

Ooh-whee!

whee

↓

[gibberish]

gibberish

↓

(male #1) Did you get any of that?

male

↓

(male #2) It's a good-a-show!

male

↓

[drumroll]