Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E06 — Hero or Hate Crime

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 6 — Hero or Hate Crime

What's going on with you? Are you limping?

#1

⇓

- And my glutes are, like, so sore. - Yeah.

#3

⇓

Know what it is?

#4

⇓

- Yeah, big-time. - Howdy.

#5

⇓

- Hi. - It's very windy today, isn't it?

#6

⇓

Yeah.

#7

⇓

Oh, man, look at this. Dog shit.

#8

⇓

Did you just step in that on purpose?

#9

⇓

Oh, no, I just, you know, I didn't really see it.

#10

⇓

You pointed it out to me and then stepped directly in it.

#11

⇓

- Since when do you read? - What? Nothing. No.

#12

⇓

Books are stupid. I don't. I was just...

#13

⇓

I didn't time it out. Why would I do that?

#14

⇓

No idea. Why are you still standing in it?

#15

⇓

- Sometimes it's in, sometimes it's out. - Are those mirrors?

#18

⇓

- No. - You creep.

#19

⇓

Look out, faggot!

#20

⇓

Hey, Frank, what the hell was that?

#23

⇓

- But you called me the "F" word. - So what? I'm a hero.

#25

⇓

You used a slur, dude. That's like a hate crime.

#26

⇓

That's hateful speech.

#27

⇓

- You really can't. - But he saved his life.

#28

⇓

You're entitled to nothing!

#30

⇓

Listen, motion to present articles of confederation.

#31

⇓

- Motion denied. - Shut up, bitch.

#32

⇓

- You don't deserve anything. - Excuse me. Hey. Can I help you?

#33

⇓

Usually, we're a pretty reasonable crew.

#34

⇓

- Yeah, right? - Yeah.

#35

⇓

We have our differences, but we settle them in-house.

#36

⇓

We have a good process. There's filibusters, the whole thing.

#37

⇓

- No. - This one's a doozy.

#38

⇓

This one we can't do in-house.

#39

⇓

That's why I wanted to bring in a third party.

#40

⇓

- That's you, guy. - Yeah, that's you.

#42

⇓

Because a great injustice has occurred, okay?

#43

⇓

Frank committed a hate crime.

#44

⇓

I saved your life.

#45

⇓

- What? - No.

#49

⇓

- Way off. - No, no, no.

#50

⇓

- No, it's not about that at all. - Yeah, it's about this.

#51

⇓

A $2 scratcher lottery ticket.

#52

⇓

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

#53

⇓

You've hired an arbitration attorney

#54

⇓

to figure out which of you is entitled to a $2 scratcher?

#55

⇓

- Now you're getting it. - Me.

#56

⇓

- He's getting it. - Smart guy.

#57

⇓

Each one of us feels that we're entitled to that ticket.

#58

⇓

We need you to tell us who it belongs to.

#59

⇓

Why don't you scratch it, see if it's worthless,

#60

⇓

then you wouldn't have to go through all of this?

#61

⇓

- So he's not getting it. - What?

#62

⇓

- Is he serious? - Do you not want a job?

#63

⇓

Hold on. Is it Phil? Is your name Phil?

#64

⇓

- Yeah, Phil, yeah. - It is Phil?

#65

⇓

It's Phil.

#66

⇓

This ticket represents hope, okay?

#67

⇓

Potential, yeah?

#68

⇓

Promise.

#69

⇓

The very foundation upon which this group rests, eh?

#70

⇓

- Yes. - And that hope belongs to me.

#71

⇓

It belongs to me, you son of a bitch!

#72

⇓

Each of you will have an opportunity to plead your case.

#74

⇓

The only rule I have is that you each treat each other

#75

⇓

Well, I'm very happy to do so.

#80

⇓

- I do have a few questions. - Fire away.

#81

⇓

Yeah.

#82

⇓

Now, the ticket in question, uh, who purchased it?

#83

⇓

Me! Thank you. It was me. That's why this whole thing is so cut and dry.

#84

⇓

Hold on. I purchased the ticket, and therefore the ticket belongs to me.

#85

⇓

And as I was putting my book into my purse,

#88

⇓

the ticket flew out and landed on the ground.

#89

⇓

And why hadn't you scratched the ticket yet?

#91

⇓

But as long as you don't scratch it, then you're not a loser.

#93

⇓

- Hmm. - In fact, you're a winner.

#94

⇓

Potentially.

#95

⇓

- God, Dee... - That is so sad!

#96

⇓

- It's so pathetic. - What...

#97

⇓

- It is pathetic. - So sad.

#98

⇓

talking about how the ticket represented hope.

#100

⇓

Somehow coming from you, it just came off so sad.

#101

⇓

Hold on. Motion for sub-arbitration to determine whether or not that's sad.

#102

⇓

- Motion accepted. All in favor? - Aye.

#103

⇓

Motion passed. It's sad, Dee.

#104

⇓

I'd also like to point out that while Dee's version is the truth,

#105

⇓

it's not the whole truth.

#106

⇓

Why don't we talk about the contents of Dee's purse?

#107

⇓

The scratcher ticket, the candy sour worms,

#108

⇓

the pack of cigarettes.

#109

⇓

Now, what I wanna know is how can a woman

#110

⇓

who makes less than minimum wage afford such impulse buys?

#111

⇓

Is this about your weight? Because if it is, you're already too bony.

#113

⇓

No, I think you're getting pretty tubby in the midsection area.

#114

⇓

- What? - Like a bird.

#115

⇓

No, no, that's fine.

#116

⇓

Her hands are becoming a major problem for me, though.

#117

⇓

I have Parkinson's disease.

#118

⇓

What?

#119

⇓

At least I have a 46% chance of getting Parkinson's disease,

#120

⇓

according to a DNA test I took.

#121

⇓

The medical journal was because I'm trying to learn

#122

⇓

as much as I can about this.

#123

⇓

And, guys, according to that, smoking can reduce your risk of--

#124

⇓

- Oh, my God, who gives a shit? - Oh, please.

#125

⇓

This isn't about whether or not you have some horrific neurological disease,

#126

⇓

or whether or not your hands are the right size.

#127

⇓

They are, but your elbows are a mess. They're too sharp.

#128

⇓

I don't like it. They're stabbing me.

#129

⇓

- That's what it is. - You got it.

#130

⇓

That's not the point.

#131

⇓

The point is how can you actually afford to smoke?

#132

⇓

You see, Dee and I had a deal.

#133

⇓

I give her money for coffee every morning on the way to work.

#134

⇓

And she's instructed to give

#135

⇓

a very generous tip to the cashier, Cassie.

#136

⇓

"This is from my boss, Dennis."

#137

⇓

Now, this establishes both generosity and authority.

#138

⇓

Possibly a little dominance.

#139

⇓

It's all a choreographed dance between two soon-to-be lovers.

#140

⇓

Ah...

#141

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Cassie's underage.

#142

⇓

No, what?

#143

⇓

What are you talking about? Cassie is not underage.

#144

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Cassie is 21 years old.

#145

⇓

So, the champagne I was purchasing

#146

⇓

was to celebrate her legal drinking status.

#147

⇓

And to honor her full maturity.

#148

⇓

You see, I was waiting for Cassie to mature.

#149

⇓

You know, much like an IRA.

#150

⇓

You put the money in, then you wait.

#151

⇓

And then you make a hefty withdrawal.

#152

⇓

Okay, yeah, sure.

#153

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Before full maturity, yeah, ew.

#154

⇓

But weren't you just saying

#155

⇓

that you were doing deposits before maturity?

#156

⇓

No. See, that's where you're wrong.

#157

⇓

No, I was, between the ages of 18 and 21, simply making investments.

#158

⇓

But not for early deposits?

#159

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Deposits are part of the withdrawal.

#160

⇓

Sometimes I can't make a deposit at all.

#161

⇓

Ugh, come on, man. Just...

#162

⇓

Okay, just to be clear. A deposit's a load, right?

#163

⇓

- Yeah. - Exactly.

#164

⇓

That's not what I'm talking about. No, it's totally different...

#165

⇓

- Are you sure? - No, with my...

#166

⇓

Look, not in this particular case, it's not a load. It's...

#167

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Yeah, it's a load.

#168

⇓

- Yeah. - But that's not the point!

#169

⇓

The point is, Dee has no rightful claim to that ticket,

#170

⇓

and I'll prove it.

#171

⇓

You see, yesterday, after noticing the contents of her purse,

#172

⇓

I decided to follow her this morning.

#173

⇓

Cassie never gets her tip, does she, Dee?

#174

⇓

No. Because I refuse to tip for coffee.

#175

⇓

- I think it's dumb. - Uh-huh.

#176

⇓

So, if you were buying circus peanuts, candy sour worms and cigarettes,

#177

⇓

I think we all know what that means about the ticket in question, don't we?

#178

⇓

I don't. Do you know?

#179

⇓

- No. - Totally lost.

#180

⇓

That means she bought it with my money!

#181

⇓

So, technically, that ticket is mine!

#182

⇓

Okay, okay, okay.

#183

⇓

Now, let me sum up the facts thus far.

#184

⇓

Miss Reynolds bought the ticket with Mr. Reynolds' money.

#185

⇓

But Mr. MacDonald currently possesses it.

#186

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Correct. But I deserve it, and here's why.

#187

⇓

There we were, just walking down the street, minding our own business.

#188

⇓

I'd just spotted the perfect pile of dog shit,

#189

⇓

and naturally, I stepped in it.

#190

⇓

- What? - Whoa.

#191

⇓

Okay, I'm a little confused.

#192

⇓

Why would you voluntarily step into the dog feces?

#193

⇓

- I didn't, really... - You just said you did.

#194

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- You said, naturally, you did. - We all watched you do it.

#195

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All right, fine.

#196

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I voluntarily stepped in the dog shit so that I would smell of dog shit.

#197

⇓

Happy?

#198

⇓

- Less happy. - Why would I be happy?

#199

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I was trying to cover up the smell of the skunk that I let spray me,

#200

⇓

so that there would be no questions.

#201

⇓

- Now I have more questions. - Of course.

#202

⇓

Why did you let a skunk spray you?

#203

⇓

- To cover the smell of cologne. - Oh, man.

#204

⇓

Go to the beginning. Go to the first smell!

#205

⇓

The first smell that begat all the other smells!

#206

⇓

The first smell was cigarettes! I've been smoking with Dee!

#207

⇓

Fine, I said it.

#208

⇓

Oh, okay. So, you thought we would care about the smell of cigarettes,

#209

⇓

but not the smell of skunk or dog shit?

#210

⇓

It doesn't matter, anyway, because I deserve the ticket.

#211

⇓

Because if the shit shoe's a matcher, Charlie gets the scratcher!

#212

⇓

- What the shit? - Come on.

#213

⇓

That shirt reeks!

#214

⇓

Is that what that smell was? I thought it was just him.

#215

⇓

It does smell very bad, but give me a cigarette, I'll cover it up.

#216

⇓

But if it smells like shit, you must acquit.

#217

⇓

If everyone's gonna be smoking on my dime...

#218

⇓

Nobody is debating whether or not the shoe print is yours.

#219

⇓

We all know that it is, because everybody saw you kick me.

#220

⇓

We're debating whether or not you saved my life, which you did not,

#221

⇓

because I was just about to do a backflip to safety when you--

#222

⇓

Bullshit. He's never once flipped!

#223

⇓

- The man has never flipped. - I do flips all the time.

#224

⇓

- You've never once flipped. - In the pool?

#225

⇓

Which you would not have done had I not warned you,

#226

⇓

thereby saving your life!

#227

⇓

That is my ticket.

#228

⇓

Oh...

#229

⇓

Ridiculous. "Backflip."

#230

⇓

There I was, minding my own business,

#231

⇓

bird watching.

#232

⇓

Beautiful day, isn't it?

#233

⇓

- It's really gorgeous, and... - Are those mirrors?

#234

⇓

- No. - You creep.

#235

⇓

He wasn't really bird watching, he was looking up women's skirts.

#236

⇓

- He peeps on women. - He's disgusting.

#237

⇓

Like I said, bird watching. Not you.

#238

⇓

Now, the point is that I said, "Look out, faggot,"

#239

⇓

which were the words that saved Mac's life.

#240

⇓

Thereby, I am entitled to at least half that ticket.

#241

⇓

Why did you use the slur instead of just yelling your friend's name?

#242

⇓

There was a lot going on. I needed something that would cut through.

#243

⇓

Well, as soon as I said the slur, everybody knew to look at Mac.

#244

⇓

Look out, faggot!

#245

⇓

Mac knew to look.

#246

⇓

Dennis and Dee knew to look.

#247

⇓

Charlie, who kicked him in the chest, knew to look.

#248

⇓

Hell, even the little kid with the balloon knew where to look.

#249

⇓

Okay, it may have been effective,

#250

⇓

but it was an offensive slur.

#251

⇓

And a bigot should not be entitled to a hero's payout.

#252

⇓

You're allowed to use any language you want

#253

⇓

to save somebody's life.

#254

⇓

- Really? Any language? - Yes.

#255

⇓

You gonna let a man die over a word?

#256

⇓

Come on. It's just a word.

#257

⇓

"Just a word." Oh. Okay.

#258

⇓

Frank, tell me something.

#259

⇓

If you were going to save somebody else's life from a falling piano,

#260

⇓

and you needed a word to just cut right through...

#261

⇓

What word would you use to call out to the arbiter?

#262

⇓

Uh...

#263

⇓

I suppose...

#264

⇓

You know what? We're treading on some dangerous territory here.

#265

⇓

"Nigger"?

#266

⇓

Oh! Whoa!

#267

⇓

- What? - You can't use that word.

#268

⇓

I'm trying to guess the word that he was saying

#269

⇓

- that he thought Frank would say. - You don't say that ever.

#270

⇓

- I was not using the word. - Don't ever...

#271

⇓

You can't use that word.

#272

⇓

Yet, we've just been casually throwing the F-word around willy-nilly

#273

⇓

for the past few days, and that isn't a problem?

#274

⇓

Well, yeah, Mac, because there's a very dark history

#275

⇓

- associated with the N-word. - Yeah.

#276

⇓

Did you know that a faggot is a burning bundle of sticks

#277

⇓

on top of which they used to burn homosexuals?

#278

⇓

So, basically, when you call someone a "faggot,"

#279

⇓

you're saying they should be burned at the stake.

#280

⇓

Is that right?

#281

⇓

- That's, uh... Yes. - That's pretty dark.

#282

⇓

- That's pretty dark. - Yeah.

#283

⇓

Maybe we shouldn't be throwing around some words.

#284

⇓

- Yeah. - Yeah.

#285

⇓

- What about "cunt"? - We can't lose that!

#286

⇓

- It's a good word. - What?

#287

⇓

- And it's just not offensive. - We keep cunt.

#288

⇓

It's so funny, especially directed towards a woman when you're trying to insult her.

#289

⇓

When you're trying to make a woman feel small.

#290

⇓

That's extremely offensive!

#291

⇓

You could yell "penis" at me, and I'd be fine with it.

#292

⇓

Fine, we'll take away your favorite word.

#293

⇓

- Yeah. - Yeah.

#294

⇓

What, "cocksucker"? What's wrong with that?

#295

⇓

You can't say "cocksucker" if we can't say "cunt."

#296

⇓

I find it offensive that the idea of sucking cocks is offensive.

#297

⇓

Exactly. There's nothing offensive about sucking cock.

#298

⇓

Half the population loves to suck cock.

#299

⇓

The other half loves getting their cock sucked.

#300

⇓

It's kind of a win-win.

#301

⇓

We're getting off the point.

#302

⇓

In terms of the ticket, I'm calling bullshit on Frank,

#303

⇓

because, for some reason, he thinks that I'm gay.

#304

⇓

That's why he called me the F-word, which makes him a bigot.

#305

⇓

Oh, wait. Uh, catch me up here.

#306

⇓

Now, you're not gay?

#307

⇓

Obviously not.

#308

⇓

Okay. Interesting.

#309

⇓

So, Mr. Reynolds, um, simply, was just trying to disrespect you.

#310

⇓

He wasn't trying to make a comment about your sexual orientation?

#311

⇓

No, here's where things get just a little bit tricky,

#312

⇓

because Frank thinks Mac is gay, because...

#313

⇓

- Mac is gay. - Yeah.

#314

⇓

What? What are you talking about? Enough with this.

#315

⇓

- This is boring. - He's into the closet,

#316

⇓

he's out of the closet. We don't like you either way.

#317

⇓

Look, now, I care about my body.

#318

⇓

So, they become obsessed with me being gay.

#319

⇓

Obsessed? We're the ones who don't care.

#320

⇓

Hold on, Dee. Let me just put this to bed. Mac, we're in support of it.

#321

⇓

Just come on out of the closet,

#322

⇓

- and be done with it. - You'll feel better.

#323

⇓

- You'll feel better. - Come on out.

#324

⇓

I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.

#325

⇓

Mac, Mac...

#326

⇓

We found the bike.

#327

⇓

Yeah, so?

#328

⇓

The bike in the basement?

#329

⇓

What about it?

#330

⇓

Oh, Mac.

#331

⇓

Mac, don't make me go get the bike.

#332

⇓

I've got nothing to hide. Just go get the bike.

#333

⇓

I'ma go get the bike.

#334

⇓

I would like to present into evidence...

#335

⇓

Mac's bike.

#336

⇓

What? It's an awesome workout bike. What's the big deal?

#337

⇓

Okay.

#338

⇓

Mac, why don't you go ahead and operate the bike.

#339

⇓

Yeah. Sure.

#340

⇓

No problem. Just like any other workout bike.

#341

⇓

Well, you pedal...

#342

⇓

There you go.

#343

⇓

- It's outrageous. - There it is.

#344

⇓

I mean, it's just the craziest...

#345

⇓

All right, all right. Okay, I...

#346

⇓

I know what you're thinking, okay? But it's not what it looks like.

#347

⇓

What it looks like is that you're fucking yourself with a dildo bike.

#348

⇓

You got the bike shorts with the slits in them in the...

#349

⇓

Oh, the ones in the back? That's for air flow.

#350

⇓

- This is grotesque. - No, you're not understanding.

#351

⇓

I modded out a regular workout bike to create the optimal workout.

#352

⇓

- And added a penis. - Yeah.

#353

⇓

Oh... I see.

#354

⇓

I see where you guys are getting off the rails.

#355

⇓

- That's not a penis. - Oh.

#356

⇓

It's a fist.

#357

⇓

I call it the Ass Pounder 4000.

#358

⇓

- And it works like this. - Uh, no...

#359

⇓

Imagine you're riding up a steep hill,

#360

⇓

and you've already been working super hard,

#361

⇓

and you're sweating and you're tired.

#362

⇓

What do you do when you're tired? You want to rest.

#363

⇓

You go to sit down,

#364

⇓

it pushes you right back up in your workout.

#365

⇓

The Ass Pounder 4000 will never let you rest.

#366

⇓

- See? - We got it.

#367

⇓

That's the way it works.

#368

⇓

Now, I even have an amazing tagline.

#369

⇓

"The Ass Pounder, never stop pumping."

#370

⇓

Well, um... Think we've seen enough.

#371

⇓

I've certainly learned something.

#372

⇓

This has nothing to do with being gay.

#373

⇓

This is just the work of a man who's an extreme sexual deviant.

#374

⇓

Gay or not.

#375

⇓

Can I have one of those?

#376

⇓

- Yeah, whatever, dude. - Oh, whatever.

#377

⇓

You guys are jealous, because I've got a million-dollar idea and the ticket.

#378

⇓

You don't have the ticket yet, bitch!

#379

⇓

I bought the ticket.

#380

⇓

What are you talking about? Are you crazy?

#381

⇓

Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

#382

⇓

Now, I've heard from everybody involved, and I will make my decision.

#383

⇓

But let me make one thing clear.

#384

⇓

In order for this to be entirely just,

#385

⇓

I will make my decision based on fairness and compromise.

#386

⇓

You understand?

#387

⇓

Okay, I think I'm all caught up.

#388

⇓

- So, what's the verdict? - What do you got?

#389

⇓

I think it's actually pretty straightforward.

#390

⇓

Mr. MacDonald is in possession of the ticket, so he has ownership.

#391

⇓

However, he would not be in possession,

#392

⇓

if his life were not saved by Mr. Reynolds,

#393

⇓

who set off the chain of events, saving him.

#394

⇓

So, I see it as a 50/50 split.

#395

⇓

- Are you kidding me? - I'm a hero!

#396

⇓

- You bitch! - 50/50 split?

#397

⇓

Nothing for kicking him out of the way?

#398

⇓

- Nothing for who paid for the ticket? - I bought it!

#399

⇓

And this bigot here is gonna get a hero's payout?

#400

⇓

He may be a bigot and he did use disgusting speech,

#401

⇓

but it's not technically hate speech

#402

⇓

since Mr. MacDonald does not claim to be gay.

#403

⇓

Oh.

#404

⇓

Oh, does that mean if I claim to be gay, I get all of it?

#405

⇓

Well, um, yes.

#406

⇓

You would be entitled to keep all of it.

#407

⇓

I claim to be gay!

#408

⇓

- No, no, no! - No. Now you're gay?

#409

⇓

- There's a history behind it. - I've been gay forever.

#410

⇓

Everybody knows it. Even the balloon kid.

#411

⇓

Soon as he gets that ticket, he'll go back in the closet.

#412

⇓

- This isn't fair. - Mark my words.

#413

⇓

If he's gonna do it, he's gotta stay out, which he won't, I guarantee you.

#414

⇓

Fine. Whatever. I'm out! Totally out. I'm gonna...

#415

⇓

Excuse me, would you please do the honors on my ticket, please?

#416

⇓

- It's probably worthless. - Okay. Sure.

#417

⇓

Let's see what we have here.

#418

⇓

Okay.

#419

⇓

Wow.

#420

⇓

What?

#421

⇓

- What is it? - Well, you're a winner.

#422

⇓

What? How much?

#423

⇓

$10,000.

#424

⇓

- No! No! - Oh, my God!

#425

⇓

Gay Mac rules!

#426

⇓

- Bullshit! - Gay, gay, rich Mac!

#427

⇓

If you will just sign this,

#428

⇓

releasing the ticket and agreeing to my ruling.

#429

⇓

Don't mind if I do.

#430

⇓

I wonder what I'm gonna do with all this money.

#431

⇓

Maybe start an LLC.

#432

⇓

Ass Pounder 4000.

#433

⇓

It's all going right into the product.

#434

⇓

Sign the paper, so you can go back in the closet.

#435

⇓

- Yeah. - Go ahead.

#436

⇓

- You go back in. - Go ahead.

#437

⇓

You signed it, got your money. Go back in the closet. Get it over with.

#438

⇓

We know you'll do it, so you might as well just do it.

#439

⇓

Yeah. Yeah.

#440

⇓

I don't know. Maybe I'll stay out.

#441

⇓

- Really? - Yeah.

#442

⇓

It doesn't matter. You can go back in. You signed the paper.

#443

⇓

You got your money.

#444

⇓

No, I think I'm out now.

#445

⇓

Yeah. I'm... I'm gay.

#446

⇓

Actually feels pretty good.

#447

⇓

See ya, guys.

#448

⇓

- Wow. - Finally.

#449

⇓

- Good for him, right? - Yeah.

#450

⇓

- Absolutely. - Guess I'm happy for him.

#451

⇓

It's a relief, honestly.

#452

⇓

All right, if you'll just take care of this,

#453

⇓

then we'll be all done.

#454

⇓

- What's this? - That would be a bill.

#455

⇓

- Ooh. - Oh, money stuff.

#456

⇓

That goes to Frank.

#457

⇓

I know it's steep, but you did go through three arbiters,

#458

⇓

and you've been here 17 hours.

#459

⇓

- Seriously? - I'm exhausted.

#460

⇓

What's it add up to there, Frank?

#461

⇓

$9,986.

#462

⇓

- Yikes. - Holy cow.

#463

⇓

You guys aren't cheap.

#464

⇓

The arbitration was Mac's idea.

#465

⇓

- Let's let him pay for it. - Great idea.

#466

⇓

- That's fair. - In fairness' sake.

#467

⇓

- He's got the money for it. - He's got the money now.

#468

⇓

But maybe let's make him pay it tomorrow.

#469

⇓

- Let's let him have this. - Yeah.

#470

⇓

Poor guy did just come out over a $14 scratcher.

#471

⇓

- That's all that's left? - Yeah.

#472

⇓

- Oh, no. - That sucks.

#473

⇓

Oh, no.

#474

⇓

You know, I'm happy for him, but I do still hate him.

#475

⇓

Oh, yeah.

#476

⇓

- It's not a gay or straight thing, is it? - No. It's a Mac thing.

#477

⇓