Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E05 — Making Dennis Reynolds a Murderer

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 5 — Making Dennis Reynolds a Murderer

911, what's your emergency?

#1

⇓

Oh, God! Oh, God!

#2

⇓

I'm in an alley and there's, um... I'm not really sure.

#3

⇓

Sir. Sir, what's in the alley?

#4

⇓

Dead. Definitely dead.

#5

⇓

I think it's cat or maybe it's not. I'm not sure.

#6

⇓

Sir, if it's a cat, you need to call animal control.

#7

⇓

No, no, no, it's not a cat, it's not a cat, it's a woman.

#8

⇓

But also a cat. It's a cat-woman.

#9

⇓

Sir, I do not have time for pranks.

#10

⇓

No, it's not a prank.

#11

⇓

Then is it a cat or a woman, sir?

#12

⇓

Both! It's both. Whatever it is, it's neck is broken.

#13

⇓

It's dead!

#14

⇓

All right. Uh, let's get started.

#15

⇓

What do you guys wanna know?

#16

⇓

The circumstances surrounding the death

#17

⇓

of the woman born Maureen Ponderosa

#18

⇓

captivated South Philadelphia.

#19

⇓

She was discovered in an alley with a broken neck.

#20

⇓

In 2013, Maureen had begun

#21

⇓

her transition to a cat.

#22

⇓

And in her cat form, she went by the name Bastet

#23

⇓

to honor the Egyptian god of cats.

#24

⇓

The story quickly became fodder for local media.

#25

⇓

We learned that she was excited about an upcoming surgery,

#43

⇓

a, uh, reverse nipplectomy.

#44

⇓

That's where they add more nipples.

#45

⇓

I guess--

#46

⇓

I don't know-- she wanted more nipples.

#47

⇓

The thought of that just makes me want to blow my lunch.

#48

⇓

Now, apparently, the ex-husband was on the hook

#49

⇓

for this surgery due to an alimony arrangement.

#50

⇓

He wasn't happy about it.

#51

⇓

That's when he became our primary suspect.

#52

⇓

Was I irritated by this?

#53

⇓

You know, but I-I remained supportive

#56

⇓

and, uh, kept my cool.

#57

⇓

And I never threatened her in any way.

#58

⇓

No, no, no, no, if you want to get more nipples,

#59

⇓

please get more nipples.

#60

⇓

Get 1,000 nipples. The more nipples, the better, Maureen.

#61

⇓

And you know what? While we're at it, I'm gonna turn myself into a dog.

#62

⇓

With 1,000 teeth.

#63

⇓

Oh, does that make you nervous?

#64

⇓

I find that offensive, 'cause a dog is who I am now.

#65

⇓

Now, due to the nature of this call,

#66

⇓

we decided to bring him in for questioning.

#67

⇓

And he cooperated.

#68

⇓

Said he wanted to clear his name.

#69

⇓

All right, why don't you tell me where you were that night?

#70

⇓

Uh, well, it was actually pretty average Friday night for me,

#71

⇓

you know, watched a movie with my roommate Mac in our apartment,

#72

⇓

and then went over to the bar for a couple of drinks.

#73

⇓

He answered every question.

#74

⇓

Even offered DNA samples.

#75

⇓

Although he did request to draw his own blood,

#76

⇓

which is kind of strange.

#77

⇓

Okay. Thank you, Mr. Reynolds. I'll be right back.

#78

⇓

Yeah, sure no problem. Oh, actually, Detective, you know what,

#79

⇓

there is one thing that you may find interesting that I just thought of.

#80

⇓

If you're a coffee guy,

#81

⇓

there's a great place just opened up on 2nd Street

#82

⇓

Makes an amazing pour over brew. You should try it, really.

#83

⇓

Mr. Reynolds was forthright.

#84

⇓

Charming, quite frankly.

#85

⇓

Get me one, too, if you go over there.

#86

⇓

Thanks.

#87

⇓

It wasn't until I reviewed

#88

⇓

the interrogation footage later that I saw it.

#89

⇓

Something very unsettling.

#90

⇓

24 years on the job,

#91

⇓

I'd never seen anything like it.

#92

⇓

Two hours.

#93

⇓

Never moved.

#94

⇓

Never blinked.

#95

⇓

Gives me goose bumps just thinking about it.

#96

⇓

He had all the right answers,

#97

⇓

but my gut told me this guy was guilty.

#98

⇓

Of something.

#99

⇓

Did I kill Maureen? No.

#100

⇓

Am I glad she's dead? Sure.

#101

⇓

Maureen's family was convinced of Dennis's guilt.

#102

⇓

Maureen?

#103

⇓

You ever seen a grown woman take a dump in a sandbox?

#107

⇓

Despite conjecture, the question still remained:

#108

⇓

Was there anything in Dennis Reynolds' past

#109

⇓

that would suggest him capable of murder?

#110

⇓

Testing. Testing.

#111

⇓

Syphilis. Syphilis.

#112

⇓

That's... Well, yeah...

#113

⇓

But that... but that's not

#116

⇓

not normal right, you know?

#117

⇓

I mean, it was just like boys

#118

⇓

being boys. Yeah. That...

#119

⇓

Look, we had a totally normal childhood, and...

#120

⇓

Look, Dennis wouldn't hurt a fly. No way.

#121

⇓

Whatever Deandra says is BS.

#122

⇓

He didn't just snap it.

#125

⇓

He broke the thing's head clean off.

#126

⇓

It was gruesome.

#127

⇓

I still have nightmares about it.

#128

⇓

And I'm old.

#129

⇓

She told you what?

#130

⇓

No, no, no, no. No, no.

#131

⇓

Look... that crow was injured,

#132

⇓

and I was simply putting it out of its misery,

#133

⇓

while, yes, testing the tensile strength of a crow's neck.

#134

⇓

Well, yes, there was another crow,

#135

⇓

but that's because I simply couldn't believe

#136

⇓

that a crow's neck could be that weak.

#137

⇓

Well, yes, there was a third crow,

#138

⇓

and a fourth, if you must know, but who likes crows?

#139

⇓

Look, if you can kill a crow, you can kill a cat.

#140

⇓

Cat, cat, cat...

#141

⇓

That's why I started recording all our conversations.

#142

⇓

Dennis you're my son. I know you. I know your character.

#143

⇓

I know the type of person you are.

#144

⇓

That's why I know you definitely didn't do it.

#145

⇓

Be honest with me. Talk to Daddy.

#146

⇓

What the hell is this, Frank?

#147

⇓

Look I wasn't around much when you were a kid,

#148

⇓

so if you murdered her, it ain't on me.

#149

⇓

All that being said, did you do it?

#150

⇓

Are you reading something right now?

#151

⇓

Why are you calling me? We don't talk on the phone.

#152

⇓

Ah, to see if you wanna confess.

#153

⇓

Confess? Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's rich coming from you.

#154

⇓

Here's a confession. My father, Frank Reynolds,

#155

⇓

owned a sweatshop in Vietnam

#156

⇓

and is responsible for the deaths of thousands of...

#157

⇓

Talk to you later. Bye-bye. Ah, shit!

#158

⇓

I suspected Frank was probably recording all of our conversations,

#159

⇓

because of course he would.

#160

⇓

But let me tell you something, he was no fan of Maureen's, either.

#161

⇓

He was just trying to deflect attention,

#162

⇓

which is why I started recording all of our conversations as well.

#163

⇓

I could have worn a goddamn IMAX camera around my neck

#164

⇓

and he wouldn't have noticed.

#165

⇓

The old bitch.

#166

⇓

And I caught him saying some pretty troubling stuff.

#167

⇓

What are we watching here?

#168

⇓

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cats, cats.

#169

⇓

Is that me?

#170

⇓

Cats. I'll tell you what to do with cats.

#171

⇓

Who shot this thing? Dennis?

#172

⇓

Here's what you do with cats.

#173

⇓

Back in the sweatshop in 'Nam, we found a cat,

#174

⇓

we tossed it right in the soup.

#175

⇓

Those hungry bastards ate cat soup every day.

#176

⇓

What's the worst thing that could happen?

#177

⇓

Some little kid choke on a hairball and die.

#178

⇓

So then you toss him in the soup.

#179

⇓

I was making money hand over foot, literally.

#180

⇓

Somebody lost a hand or a foot, I'd toss it in the soup.

#181

⇓

Well, that's all a lie.

#182

⇓

Uh, there was no soup.

#183

⇓

Nope.

#184

⇓

There's no sweatshop.

#185

⇓

Excuse me. I got to go to the can.

#186

⇓

There it is.

#187

⇓

You're caught. You're caught. Keep it cool, Frank.

#188

⇓

You destroyed all the evidence. Better not risk it.

#189

⇓

Hello, cabbie!

#190

⇓

- Where you headed? - Patty's pub, please.

#191

⇓

I'm running away from an interview because I just got busted

#192

⇓

saying a lot of illegal stuff that I definitely did.

#193

⇓

Oh, wow! What kind of stuff?

#194

⇓

Yeah, it was like, you know, sweatshop stuff in Vietnam,

#195

⇓

like feeding people to people, shit like that.

#196

⇓

Oh, you're good then. Statute of limitations.

#197

⇓

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean... Are you serious?

#198

⇓

- Definitely. - Okay, cool.

#199

⇓

Flip this back around.

#200

⇓

Thanks for the nice ride, but I wanna take advantage.

#201

⇓

Ah, ooh! Whoa! Look at he dump around you!

#202

⇓

Fuck off, creep.

#203

⇓

Investigators wanted to verify the timeline

#204

⇓

Mac and I were watching a movie back at the apartment,

#207

⇓

and then I went to the bar.

#208

⇓

That's true. We were watching Operation Dumbo Drop.

#209

⇓

We were doing this amazing thing that I came up with,

#210

⇓

where we watch an old movie,

#211

⇓

and then I turn the volume down really low

#212

⇓

and we make wiseacre remarks the entire time.

#213

⇓

Yeah, he didn't come up with it.

#214

⇓

It's just Mystery Science Theater 3000.

#215

⇓

It's a spin on that. It's exactly that.

#216

⇓

Well, there's no robots. So it's worse.

#217

⇓

Oh, come on, Dennis. It's funny.

#218

⇓

It-It's not funny. It's not funny at all,

#219

⇓

because you can never think of jokes on the fly.

#220

⇓

H-He, like, pauses the movie

#221

⇓

to try and think of something funny to say,

#222

⇓

and then he never can think of anything funny,

#223

⇓

so he ends up just saying a line from Borat or Austin Powers.

#224

⇓

It's super annoying and played-out, and it's not funny.

#225

⇓

Well, uh, like this. "Get in my belly."

#226

⇓

But you're never referring to anything when you say it.

#227

⇓

"Yeah, baby. Get in my belly."

#228

⇓

Well, that's two different characters.

#229

⇓

That's Mike Myers. It's not Mike Myers.

#230

⇓

It's... it's multiple characters

#231

⇓

that Mike Myers plays in-in the same movie.

#232

⇓

Multiple characters in the same movie?

#233

⇓

What is he, a wizard?

#234

⇓

Look, it's funny, Dennis.

#235

⇓

It's not funny.

#236

⇓

Are we done with this? Can we be done?

#237

⇓

I'm tired of saying the same things over and over again.

#238

⇓

Well, wait. Wh-- hold-- Dennis, d-don't leave without me.

#239

⇓

I mean, dude, look, are you mad at me?

#240

⇓

Investigators could find no discrepancies

#241

⇓

in the timeline.

#242

⇓

But then...

#243

⇓

a twist.

#244

⇓

He totally could have done it.

#245

⇓

Now, supposedly, Dennis didn't see Maureen that night,

#246

⇓

but remember that Maureen was once Dennis's...

#247

⇓

"Wife. Very nice."

#248

⇓

That was Borat.

#249

⇓

Why hasn't he spoken up?

#263

⇓

Probably because Dennis...

#264

⇓

intimidated him.

#265

⇓

Oh, I just thought it'd be more dramatic if I...

#266

⇓

Oh, come on, come on. I didn't lie.

#267

⇓

I just left out some facts that are insignificant.

#268

⇓

And-and intimidate Charlie? Please. What am I gonna do?

#269

⇓

Call him on the phone and threaten him?

#270

⇓

No, I know. But, I mean, if Mac's gonna do it,

#271

⇓

then, you know, I'm gonna do it.

#272

⇓

- Charlie. - Yeah?

#273

⇓

- Yeah. - Yeah.

#274

⇓

Yeah. What are you doing? Why you keep saying yeah?

#275

⇓

I don't know. 'Cause I'm stupid?

#276

⇓

- Are you watching wrestling? - No.

#277

⇓

Okay. I feel like you're not listening to me.

#278

⇓

- Yeah. - So you are watching it?

#282

⇓

- Yeah. - Would you turn it off? Stop!

#283

⇓

Stop, stop. Turn it off, okay, goddamn it, I need you to listen to me.

#284

⇓

Okay, the police are gonna call you and ask you

#285

⇓

and I need you to tell them that I was with you at the bar the whole night,

#286

⇓

Even after Maureen left. Right? You are my alibi, dude.

#287

⇓

Yeah, you are my alibi, dude.

#288

⇓

What does that mean, man? What does that mean?

#289

⇓

I can't be your alibi, because you're not a suspect.

#290

⇓

Okay, did you just mute the TV? Are you still watching wrestling?

#291

⇓

Yeah. Damn it.

#292

⇓

Turn it off and get your shit together.

#293

⇓

Look, I was with you all night. I never left.

#294

⇓

And for the love of God,

#295

⇓

do not mention anything about what's in my safe.

#296

⇓

- Yeah. - Yeah.

#297

⇓

- Yeah. - I'm hanging up.

#298

⇓

Charlies, I'm not gonna let Dennis hurt you.

#299

⇓

But you'll have to tell me the truth about everything.

#300

⇓

Yeah.

#301

⇓

Now, he uh... He hurt Maureen right?

#302

⇓

- Yeah. - Hmm-mmm.

#303

⇓

And how do you know he hurt Maureen?

#304

⇓

I guessed it.

#305

⇓

Guessed it?

#306

⇓

Okay.

#307

⇓

Did Dennis break her neck?

#308

⇓

- I don't know, you tell me. - No, no.

#309

⇓

Listen, Charlie. That's not how it works.

#310

⇓

You have to tell me.

#311

⇓

How did he kill her?

#312

⇓

Gave her a piledriver.

#313

⇓

- He gave her a piledriver? - Then I come from behind

#314

⇓

and I did a choke hold.

#315

⇓

What are you... What?

#316

⇓

You were involved?

#317

⇓

Yeah, I broke her neck two times.

#318

⇓

Wait a minute, I don't get it.

#319

⇓

- You killed people? - I do choke slams

#320

⇓

and back-breakers, sharp-shooters, cripple-creek ferries.

#321

⇓

At this point in the interrogation,

#322

⇓

Christ, I was at a loss.

#323

⇓

Can I go watch wrestling now?

#324

⇓

Charlie, for Christ sakes,

#325

⇓

you've gotta give me something to work with here.

#326

⇓

I'm not supposed to tell you what's in his safe.

#327

⇓

Ah, okay. Tell me what's in his safe, Charlie.

#328

⇓

Cat tranquilizers.

#329

⇓

Are you on these tranquilizers right now, Charlie?

#330

⇓

Yeah.

#331

⇓

Jesus Christ!

#332

⇓

Further inspection of Dennis Reynolds' safe

#333

⇓

revealed a cache of suspicious items.

#334

⇓

Awesome. Charlie told you about the tranquilizers.

#335

⇓

The laser pointer, the catnip, yarn.

#337

⇓

Yeah, peculiar how these things wind up in your place.

#338

⇓

No, not really.

#339

⇓

You see the Ponderosa household was a toxic environment,

#340

⇓

they didn't exactly accept Maureen's transition.

#341

⇓

So, she and I made an arrangement,

#342

⇓

she would keep some of her things at my apartment,

#343

⇓

in exchange for a reduction in my alimony.

#344

⇓

And the ketamine?

#345

⇓

She kept some of that at my apartment as well.

#346

⇓

And, you know, if there's gonna be some special K lying around,

#347

⇓

Charlie's gonna do it.

#348

⇓

That's why he's been giving you all those strange and totally unreliable answers.

#349

⇓

So while Mr. Kelly's statements

#350

⇓

were clearly unreliable and would need to be thrown out,

#351

⇓

another breakthrough came:

#352

⇓

autopsy results came back from the lab.

#353

⇓

Okay, Mr. Reynolds.

#354

⇓

Let's say for a moment that I can understand

#355

⇓

this arrangement that you had with your ex,

#356

⇓

that doesn't explain this autopsy report.

#357

⇓

See there were collections of hair found in the esophagus.

#358

⇓

A hairball.

#359

⇓

Any guesses to whose it is?

#360

⇓

Um...

#361

⇓

You think we can turn the cameras off just for a minute?

#362

⇓

I can't do that.

#363

⇓

All right. I let her lick me.

#364

⇓

Lick you?

#365

⇓

How?

#366

⇓

It's a cat grooming thing.

#367

⇓

Maureen enjoyed the fantasy,

#368

⇓

and she would knock an extra 15 bucks off a month,

#369

⇓

so of course, I'm gonna let her do it.

#370

⇓

Look, is getting groomed like a cat by your ex weird?

#371

⇓

Yep.

#372

⇓

Is it illegal?

#373

⇓

I wish.

#374

⇓

The investigation was at a crossroads.

#375

⇓

Then another massive break.

#376

⇓

Dennis has an answer for everything.

#377

⇓

Well, answer me this:

#378

⇓

Where's the collar?

#379

⇓

Cats have collars.

#380

⇓

Maureen's body

#381

⇓

didn't have a collar on it.

#382

⇓

Killers keep trophies.

#383

⇓

Alls I'm saying,

#384

⇓

find the collar, find the killer.

#385

⇓

This is not the first time the collar came up.

#386

⇓

Dee Reynolds had, oddly,

#387

⇓

made the collar an issue during filming.

#388

⇓

Hey. Stop!

#389

⇓

Stop! Stop with the squirting! Stop! Cool it!

#390

⇓

We said one spray and then my line.

#391

⇓

I... It was in my contract that we talked...

#392

⇓

I put one squirt in there for... on purpose.

#393

⇓

And this collar! I... Th-There's something wrong

#394

⇓

with the collar. It's driving me nuts.

#395

⇓

It... is an actual flea collar?

#396

⇓

You son of a bitch.

#397

⇓

I-I really think the water activated

#398

⇓

some kind of, like, chemical agent. My-my neck's burning.

#399

⇓

Was the flea collar actually burning her,

#400

⇓

as she claimed?

#401

⇓

Are you serious?

#402

⇓

Yes, asshole! It was burning my skin!

#403

⇓

You want to zoom in on this?!

#404

⇓

Hard to say.

#405

⇓

But maybe there was another reason she removed it.

#406

⇓

Whatever Deandra says is BS.

#407

⇓

She's probably just covering for him because she's afraid

#408

⇓

he's gonna snap her neck like that crow.

#409

⇓

Maybe Deandra didn't want to wear the collar

#410

⇓

in order to cover for her brother

#411

⇓

and to establish that Maureen never wore a collar at all.

#412

⇓

We then discovered something in this piece of footage

#413

⇓

that blew the doors wide open on this case.

#414

⇓

Was I a person of interest?

#415

⇓

Yeah.

#416

⇓

I am an interesting person.

#417

⇓

But at the end of the day, you know,

#418

⇓

I'm just some guy with a crazy ex-wife

#419

⇓

who fell off of a roof pretending to be a cat.

#420

⇓

That's the end of it.

#421

⇓

All my stories checked out.

#422

⇓

I was cleared. Case closed.

#423

⇓

Find the collar, find the killer.

#424

⇓

Find the collar, find the killer.

#425

⇓

...'cause a dog is who I am now!

#426

⇓

...hit the referee!

#427

⇓

"Very nice."

#429

⇓

Find the collar, find the killer.

#430

⇓

As of 2017, Dennis Reynolds is still at large,

#431

⇓

lurking the streets of Philadelphia.

#432

⇓

Guys, this was an open-and-shut case that was shut months ago.

#433

⇓

And Maureen never wore a collar. You guys put that there.

#434

⇓

Well, yeah, we needed a big twist at the end

#435

⇓

to show that you're guilty.

#436

⇓

But I'm-I'm not guilty.

#437

⇓

What about the security footage of Maureen's death?

#438

⇓

I mean, it shows her prancing around on the roof

#439

⇓

like an asshole, and then she just falls off.

#440

⇓

People don't want to see that,

#441

⇓

because it's hard evidence, you know what I mean? Yeah.

#442

⇓

Like, it's better to actually sit on that footage

#443

⇓

until, like, maybe episode ten, and then let people

#444

⇓

decide then if you're guilty or not.

#445

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Ten episo... You're gonna do ten episodes of this?

#446

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Yeah, but then even then we would keep it vague.

#447

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I mean, 'cause that's entertainment, you know?

#448

⇓

Someone gets murdered, and then you make a show.

#449

⇓

But you never give any actual answers,

#450

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because that's what people love. No.

#451

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You drag it out. You rake it all over the victim's family.

#452

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It's sort of like eating a bag of chips, you know?

#453

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It's never gonna actually make you full,

#454

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and at the end you're sick,

#455

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but you want to go back for more.

#456

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You want more chips.

#457

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Murder is chips. Okay,

#458

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you know what, I don't know what you guys are talking about,

#459

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but I'm gonna find these tapes, and I'm gonna destroy them.

#460

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Well, we have backups, so it... Oh, you know what? Yeah.

#461

⇓

That could make a good episode, where he's destroying--

#462

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Let's think about that, right? He's destroying the tapes...

#463

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You know what,

#464

⇓

that would be

#465

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"very nice."

#466

⇓

Is that Borat?

#467

⇓

Yes! See?

#468

⇓

He gets it. He's laughing.

#469

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Yeah, 'cause I know he was doing an impression. He's laughing.

#470

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Okay, wait, uh, let me... let me think of another one.

#471

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Let me think of another one. "I'll be back."

#472

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Oh... Who is that? Who is that?

#473

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