Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E04 — Wolf Cola - A Public Relations Nightmare

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 4 — Wolf Cola - A Public Relations Nightmare

♪ Go for it, go for it, go

#1

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♪ Go for it, go for it, go

#2

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♪ Go for it, go for it, go

goforit

#3

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♪ Go for it, go for it, go ♪

#4

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Go for it, go for it.

#5

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Somebody's chipper this morning.

#6

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Oh, you guys were there all this time? I didn't see you.

#7

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We just didn't want to interrupt your morning routine.

#8

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Is doing cocaine every morning your routine, Frank?

#9

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- Yeah. - Hey, Frank.

#10

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- How's Wolf Cola doing? - Funny you should ask.

#11

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I'm selling it to the Jews in Boca Raton.

#12

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They're slurping it up like candy. I'm telling you, they're addicted.

#13

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If I recall, Wolf Cola used to just be a money laundering front.

#14

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Well, it was, but I'm selling it now by the truckload.

#15

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They can't get enough of it.

#16

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It's become the official drink of Boca Raton.

#17

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- Why do you ask? - Well, just 'cause of this.

#18

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The group released another video today.

#19

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Preliminary investigations have revealed

#20

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that Wolf Cola may, in fact, be an American soda company,

#21

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although how and why Boko Haram has adopted it as their official soft drink

#22

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is unknown at this time.

#23

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We'll keep you updated on this story as it develops.

#24

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Boca Raton, Frank?

#25

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Or the official soft drink of Boko Haram?

#26

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Whoops.

#27

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How do you confuse a city in Florida with a terrorist organization in Africa?

#28

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It's an easy misunderstanding.

#29

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It is, if you're an elderly cokehead,

#30

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trying to launder money through a dummy soda corporation.

#31

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This is bigger than cola, Dee.

#32

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This is gonna touch all of Frank's Fluids.

#33

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- My God, there are other fluids? - Yeah.

#34

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Wolf Cola, some Nip boba drink, Fight Milk.

#35

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- Fight Milk? - Fight Milk!

#36

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Wait, that's our drink. You've been selling that?

#37

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It's selling like crazy with the UFC guys.

#38

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- UFC fighters are drinking Fight Milk? - What?

#39

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Buying it like crazy.

#40

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- My God, Charlie, this is huge. - Yeah!

#41

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Remember, we designed that for bodyguards, by bodyguards.

#42

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And it makes total sense, because the best bodyguards

#43

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- are former UFC fighters. - Of course.

#44

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And the best UFC fighters are former bodyguards.

#45

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- So, bodyguards, UFC fighters... - It's a revolving door.

#46

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- Absolutely. - We gotta take control of the product.

#47

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Let's get out there. Let's mingle with these dudes.

#48

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Let's expand the brand.

#49

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Fight Milk's back.

#50

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- Fight Milk! - Yeah!

#51

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Found my go bag. Dee, come over here and dye my hair blond.

#52

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- Go bag? - You're gonna go blond?

#53

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Yeah. This is not funny.

#54

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It's very funny to me, 'cause your life's falling apart.

#55

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You really screwed yourself this time. Do you mind?

#56

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Go ahead. I'm screwed? You're going down, too, buddy.

#57

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What?

#58

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Remember when you wanted all the power, so you could get the puss?

#59

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I made you executive vice president of worldwide distribution.

#60

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Shit, but nobody knows that, right? I only wanted the illusion of power.

#61

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The illusion. I never saw an ounce of puss.

#62

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This is a good day for me. You're going down, too? This is great.

#63

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You're laughing? You're executive vice president of operations.

#64

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- What? - Yes.

#65

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Goddamn it, Frank, why would you lump me into this?

#66

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It's a family business. I wanted it to be wholesome.

#67

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- Okay, all right. - Oh, no.

#68

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Don't panic. I got this. We just need to face this thing head-on.

#69

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And we need to do it right away, okay? Because we only have...

#70

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Twenty-four hours.

#71

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This is why we had to wait for you to go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

#72

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Yes, bitch. Now, listen. We live in the age of the 24-hour news cycle,

#73

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which means we only have 24 hours to respond to this.

#74

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If we don't, Internet trolls will control the narrative.

#75

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I don't know how we're gonna come back from dealing with terrorists.

#76

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Mercedes built Nazi tanks,

#77

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and the Jews are still driving their cars around.

#78

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Floyd Mayweather beat the shit out of multiple women,

#79

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and he's the highest paid athlete of all time.

#80

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There's only one thing you can't come back from... Banging kids.

#81

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What about the Catholic Church?

#82

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That's a good point.

#83

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They did sidestep banging kids pretty masterfully,

#84

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but they've got billions of dollars at their disposal.

#85

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- And we do not, so... - No.

#86

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Here we go.

#87

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- Fight Milk! - Fight Milk's in the house.

#88

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- Fight Milk's in the house. - Who wants to drink some Fight Milk?

#89

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Fight! Fight!

#90

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- Fight Milk's in the house. - That's right.

#91

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Time to stop eating your crow, and start drinking your crow.

#92

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Hey, guys. Turn off that Cancun, pussy ass, techno bullshit.

#93

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- Yeah. - That's what I said.

#94

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- I said turn off the-- - That's what I was saying.

#95

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Don't play the Cancun bullshit, Charlie,

#96

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- and he said... - I said the same thing.

#97

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- Gotta go spring break. - Let us tell you about ourselves.

#98

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Yeah, we're the founders and creators of Fight Milk.

#99

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We wanted to come by and tell you a little bit about what we do.

#100

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Now, I've always been very passionate about dominating other men.

#101

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There's nothing like the feeling of another man submitting to your will.

#102

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Now, that's power. In a lot of ways, that's love.

#103

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What are you talking about? He's a bodyguard, though.

#104

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- I feel like you're being unclear. - Did I not say that?

#105

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- You should lead with that. - I'm screwing up the pitch.

#106

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I'm gonna jump in here. We're a couple of crow enthusiasts,

#107

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who wanted to take the power and essence of a crow,

#108

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and we packed that into a delicious milk drink that we invented.

#109

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- Thus, Fight Milk. - Yeah.

#110

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I don't know what you guys are talking about right now,

#111

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but I have heard of your stuff,

#112

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and Cerrone and Felder, they actually love it.

#113

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Are you kidding me, dude?

#114

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Cowboy Cerrone and Paul Felder drink Fight Milk?

#115

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- They love it. They crush it. - They crush it!

#116

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- It's supposed to be crushed. - Give him some swag.

#117

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- This is for wiping yourself down. - Thanks.

#118

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- Okay, man. - All right, my man.

#119

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- Thanks, guys. Good luck with that. - Yeah.

#120

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- Hello? - Hello? Mr. Cowboy, Mr. Felder?

#121

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Oh, Cowboy! Hey!

#122

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- Oh! - Oh!

#123

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- It's us, the Fight Milk guys. - Hey.

#124

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Man, we love your drink. We just had some.

#125

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Yeah, man, I'd get up and shake your hands

#126

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if I wasn't shitting my brains out right now.

#127

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- Oh, no. That's cool. - No, no, that's fine, yeah.

#128

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So, Fight Milk makes you sick?

#129

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Makes you expel all body fluids.

#130

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Sweat, piss, and shit. We got these weigh-ins coming up.

#131

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Nothing cuts weight like Fight Milk.

#132

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You're using it to cut weight, huh?

#133

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They should give you guys a Nobel--

#134

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Oh, I just puked on my dick!

#135

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- Rock and roll. - All right, cool.

#136

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- Well, uh... - Rock and roll, yeah.

#137

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We just got you some merch.

#138

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Um...

#139

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Yeah, water bottle for when you feel better, and...

#140

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- We should, uh... - Yeah.

#141

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Keep drinking the drink that makes you guys throw up, and...

#142

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- Oh! Oh! - Oh, God!

#143

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- You guys ready? - We are.

#144

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This is our opportunity to control our message to the public.

#145

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And I think how we do that is soften their brand.

#146

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- Whose brand? - Boko Haram.

#147

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- What? - Wait, stop.

#148

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Frank, you want to change the perception of a global terrorist organization?

#149

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Yeah. I've got many facts to do it.

#150

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No. Put your facts away. We're just here to apologize, bozo.

#151

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No, hold on a second. We're not here to apologize, either.

#152

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You never apologize.

#153

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We're just here to take responsibility, but for nothing specific.

#154

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All that matters is that consumers feel their voices are being heard.

#155

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No. You say you're sorry, and then you just move on.

#156

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No, actually, you don't say anything. But you do have a very important job.

#157

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To say nothing and stand behind me.

#158

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You see, audiences are gonna trust me over you because you're a woman,

#159

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and, by definition, shrill.

#160

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No. Women identify with women in power.

#161

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Oh, no, Dee. Women hate other women in power.

#162

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- I'm threatened by 'em. - Everyone is.

#163

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Now, objectify yourself and humanize me.

#164

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Hmm.

#165

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And here to tell their side of the story is the team from Wolf Cola.

#166

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- Thanks for coming in. - Thank you for having us, Chet.

#167

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We at Wolf Cola were as shocked and saddened by this news

#168

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as everyone else.

#169

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Uh, this, by no means, reflects our ideals as a premium soda company.

#170

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We're a family-run business,

#171

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and we really care about people's concerns.

#172

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Listen, the point is, we have heard you all,

#173

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and we are working tirelessly to remedy this situation.

#174

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Not an easy situation, indeed, but handled with grace and aplomb.

#175

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Thank you, Mr. Reynolds. It looks like you're already getting good feedback.

#176

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That's great. Well, thank you, Chet.

#177

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- And I want to say thank you to America. - And also, we're sorry.

#178

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We accept full responsibility for this heinous mistake,

#179

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and please know that I am actively firing people as we speak,

#180

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because I am the boss.

#181

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Bitch.

#182

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- That's good to know. - Yes.

#183

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- Next up, a heroic tale... - You know what, Chet, can I say something?

#184

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I think we've said enough.

#185

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I think you gotta understand that Boko Haram did not do 9/11.

#186

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That was al-Qaeda.

#187

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Paris, that was done by ISIS.

#188

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Boko Haram is just concentrating... They're doing Africa.

#189

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There's mosquitos down there

#190

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that are bigger terrorists than Boko Haram.

#191

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We're gonna take a break.

#192

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And the 24-hour news cycle starts again.

#193

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- Way to go, assholes. - I made good points.

#194

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Jesus Christ. I'm just getting eviscerated online.

#195

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People calling me a bitch, flat-chested bitch,

#196

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pretty much everybody wanting to rape me.

#197

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You opened that door the second you apologized. Don't you see?

#198

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People need an outlet to unleash their rage.

#199

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Now social media will come down on you

#200

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with the fury of a middle-aged man who's accomplished nothing.

#201

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- Hi-yo! - What's up, bitches?

#202

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- What's that? What do you got? - Crow traps, baby. Look.

#203

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Fight Milk is boomin'.

#204

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Apparently, people are using it to lose weight.

#205

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Now, we're gonna lean into that new market,

#206

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- and rebrand the product. - Mm-hmm.

#207

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I like this rebranding idea.

#208

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That's what I gotta do. I gotta rebrand my product.

#209

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You guys, the problem is, I just ooze sexuality.

#210

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Well, you ooze.

#211

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A real woman of power, she exudes no sexuality at all.

#212

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That's true.

#213

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I think we gotta focus on not losing Boko Haram.

#214

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That's a good business.

#215

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The fastest-growing marketplace is Muslim extremists.

#216

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We're not going into business with terrorists. Are you crazy?

#217

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Look, we need to get back on TV immediately,

#218

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and control the goddamn narrative.

#219

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Speaking of TV, we'll be doing a little controlling of our narrative.

#220

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- You guys mind clearing out? - This is now our set.

#221

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Come on, we got work to do. Let's go.

#222

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- Don't forget your phone, idiot. - Yep.

#223

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Three, two, one!

#224

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- What up! - What up!

#225

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- Are you fat? - You probably are,

#226

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- 'cause you're watching TV! - Or Internet.

#227

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Fight Milk! Rebrand!

#228

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Let's talk about women's bodies.

#229

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I like women.

#230

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It's easy for us men. We have four acceptable body types.

#231

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Skinny ripped, jack ripped, dad bod,

#232

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and fat, if you're funny.

#233

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It's a landslide!

#234

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As we all know, women only have one acceptable body type.

#235

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Skinny, big tits!

#236

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New evidence is suggesting that all this science inside one crow's egg

#237

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can scientifically make your breasts larger.

#238

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Watch the enzymes enlargify your breasts.

#239

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Wanna hear more about it? The science--

#240

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Aah!

#241

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No nerds! Fight Milk!

#242

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Finally, there's a crow-based protein alcoholic drink for you.

#243

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Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

#244

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- Well, what do you guys think? - I don't get it.

#245

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'Cause you're a stupid ring girl. It couldn't be simpler.

#246

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Look, take it easy.

#247

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Basically, we're trying to expand our product to the world of UFC women,

#248

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and look, ring girls are the perfect combo.

#249

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Yeah. Honestly, ladies,

#250

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you could afford to lose a few pounds, maybe in this area.

#251

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- Well... - Or here.

#252

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Really, between the three of you,

#253

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we could open up a bakery with all the muffin tops I'm seeing.

#254

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Now, Fight Milk will help you lose those unwanted pounds,

#255

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so you don't have to resort to surgery, which could cause scarring,

#256

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and make you even less attractive to men than you already are.

#257

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- I feel like-- - I'm sorry.

#258

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My friend has really weird women issues.

#259

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I didn't realize he brought a laser pointer.

#260

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The point is you guys could look even better if you drank Fight Milk.

#261

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We're not into your weird diarrhea drink.

#262

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Right. It's not a diarrhea drink. It's...

#263

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Charlie, this isn't the dream that I had for Fight Milk.

#264

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No! We're not the diarrhea guys.

#265

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- No! - That's not what I wanna be.

#266

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It's not for women! It was never made for women!

#267

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But it'd be great if women also drank it.

#268

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The dream was to create a muscle-up energy drink

#269

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that gave you the power to fight like a crow!

#270

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- Yes! - Men!

#271

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Or women, but yes. But definitely crow-power fighting skills.

#272

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- Absolutely. - Either way,

#273

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I think we gotta get back to the lab.

#274

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I think we gotta get some more crows.

#275

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From dog fighting to finding a loving home.

#276

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Amazing.

#277

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Now, who wouldn't want to adopt a little guy like this?

#278

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Well said, Mike. Great story.

#279

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Now, a local soda company is back in hot water

#280

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with controversial remarks.

#281

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Returning to talk about it today is the team from Wolf Cola.

#282

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Thank you so much for having us back, Chet.

#283

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We at Wolf Cola are not just about making a satisfying soda.

#284

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We are about making satisfied customers. We do acknowledge consumers' concerns.

#285

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Yes, but we are not apologizing.

#286

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- Right. - Sorry.

#287

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I'm just here to humanize him.

#288

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- To support me. - To support him.

#289

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Support me.

#290

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Chet, we'd also like to announce that for every can of Wolf Cola sold,

#291

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a portion of the proceeds will be going to a charity

#292

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that supports African people.

#293

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All Africans,

#294

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even our friends at Boko Haram, because they are people, too.

#295

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- We don't discriminate. - Right.

#296

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Yeah, look, Chet, if I may address the public directly?

#297

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- By all means. - Okay.

#298

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Um, I assure you that we have righted this ship,

#299

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and we are taking every step necessary to address all of your concerns.

#300

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We at Wolf Cola hope to be a part

#301

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of your family's daily refreshment for years to come.

#302

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And we can say that without saying I'm sorry.

#303

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Mr. Reynolds, it sounds like Wolf Cola has the right man in charge.

#304

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I appreciate that.

#305

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Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#306

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I thought the dog segment was done. What the hell's this?

#307

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Looks like we got a lovable little guy loose in the studio here.

#308

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Yeah. Can we get him out of here? Great. Thanks.

#309

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Not a dog lover, Mr. Reynolds?

#310

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If you're asking me if I like wild animals slobbering all over me,

#311

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then I guess I'm not really a dog lover, then.

#312

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Wow. I've never met a person who doesn't like dogs before.

#313

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Yeah, well, there are plenty of us out there,

#314

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Chet, trust me. We're just afraid to admit it,

#315

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because we feel like we'll be judged by people like you.

#316

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- Let's take a break. - Actually, I'm not done.

#317

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- Chet, are you a vegetarian by any chance? - No.

#318

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So you're a hypocrite.

#319

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I find that most people that whine about dog fights

#320

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are actually the same people going to football games and UFC fights,

#321

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watching human beings beat the shit out of each other

#322

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while eating fried chicken.

#323

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Wait, are you saying you're an animal rights activist?

#324

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No, I'm actually the opposite.

#325

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I can't imagine a bigger waste of people's time and energy.

#326

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If you can eat fried chicken, then I should be able to eat fried dog.

#327

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I should be able to eat a bucket of fried dog at a chicken fight.

#328

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All I'm saying is, look, let's just, you know, let's be consistent.

#329

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How you feeling? You've been pounding that new formula?

#330

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I see you doing it.

#331

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Yeah, and we're not doing so good, asshole,

#332

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'cause nothing's coming out of me. My trash can's empty.

#333

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We're scared to shit we ain't gonna make weight.

#334

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- Guys, don't worry. - Don't worry.

#335

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This is all a part of our two-step process, all right?

#336

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Right now, you're crow loading.

#337

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You've drank about four or five entire crows,

#338

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'cause I'm grinding one up for every bottle at this point.

#339

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It's that crow enzyme that's jacking you up,

#340

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and that's why you look so beefy and so handsome.

#341

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Then what will happen is you start drinking the Fight Milk Classic,

#342

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and that will make you really sick,

#343

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'cause that's just the crow eggs and some fecal matter.

#344

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So, you start to puke and be fine for the weigh-in.

#345

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You'll be puking on your dick in no time.

#346

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That one's real nasty. Don't worry. You'll make weight at the weigh-in.

#347

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All I know is, we don't make weight, I'm killing you both.

#348

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- Yeah. All right. - That's fine.

#349

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We're gonna be... We're good. All right, guys, go kick ass.

#350

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Remember, that's the nasty one. Drink that one. That one's got a real...

#351

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All right, let's bring out the first fighter, Cub Swanson.

#352

⇓

- We gotta get him on Fight Milk. - Yeah.

#353

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We gotta get him drinking it.

#354

⇓

Up next, the challenger, Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone.

#355

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- Cowboy! - Yeah!

#356

⇓

Yes!

#357

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This is it, dude. If he makes weight,

#358

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it's gonna change Fight Milk and our lives forever.

#359

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I know, but if he doesn't, we're bolting.

#360

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Yeah. I've already scoped out every single exit.

#361

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Cowboy! Cowboy! - 155.

#362

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Yes!

#363

⇓

Yeah. We did it!

#364

⇓

- We're gonna be rich! - We did it! Let's go.

#365

⇓

Cowboy, how you feeling right now?

#366

⇓

I'm feeling good. Ready to put on a show for all these guys.

#367

⇓

What the hell is going on? Who are these guys?

#368

⇓

I'd like to take the opportunity to thank Fight Milk.

#369

⇓

Yes, and thank you, Cowboy, and thank you, Megan.

#370

⇓

We'd like to take this opportunity to announce

#371

⇓

that Fight Milk is now the official drink of the UFC.

#372

⇓

- Now, if you're in-- - No, no.

#373

⇓

This is not the official drink of the UFC.

#374

⇓

And I don't know who these guys are.

#375

⇓

- Security, get these assholes out of here! - Fight Milk!

#376

⇓

Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

#377

⇓

Fight Milk! Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

#378

⇓

Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

#379

⇓

The nationwide hatred of Wolf Cola

#380

⇓

continues to intensify on an hourly basis...

#381

⇓

Holy shit. We're getting hammered worse than before.

#382

⇓

Bye-bye, Frank's Fluids.

#383

⇓

Turns out there are two things that can't be forgiven,

#384

⇓

raping children and disliking dogs.

#385

⇓

What will I do with all the merchandise?

#386

⇓

Throw it in the garbage, burn it. Who gives a shit?

#387

⇓

We're done. Fight Milk shit the bed.

#388

⇓

What happened?

#389

⇓