Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E02 — The Gang Goes to a Water Park

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 2 — The Gang Goes to a Water Park

Oh, Christ, does every single one of these kids have the flu?

#1

⇓

You're like, "What's that rascal Charlie up to?

#5

⇓

"What's he up to this time?" Right, right?

#6

⇓

I'm not thinking that at all.

#7

⇓

Yeah, well, it's an issue of aerodynamics, really.

#8

⇓

And we plan to ride every single ride in there today.

#10

⇓

Yeah, the brochure says three days.

#11

⇓

We're saying bullshit to that.

#12

⇓

All right, well, good luck with that 'cause you got, like,

#14

⇓

ten minutes of clean water and then every slide's basically

#15

⇓

a urine delivery system.

#16

⇓

- Yeah. - We're not gonna get

#17

⇓

- drenched in piss. - No.

#18

⇓

We're gonna go in there, find our favorite ride,

#19

⇓

bomb down it once,

#20

⇓

then sit by the pool the rest of the day disease-free.

#21

⇓

Don't kid yourself about the water, buddy.

#22

⇓

You're not gonna be disease-free. This water's already infested

#23

⇓

with every parasite on the planet.

#24

⇓

And I, for one, have no intention of stepping foot in any of it.

#25

⇓

So what do you come to a water park for?

#26

⇓

Hot food, cold beer, bikini'd women seeking relief

#27

⇓

- None of which involve piss. - Hmm.

#30

⇓

And it's all free, too, if you know how to get it.

#31

⇓

Not me, I had my bracelet laminated in the '90s.

#33

⇓

I haven't paid to get in here since I was 14.

#34

⇓

- Nice! - Nice, nice.

#35

⇓

- Oh, smart. - Oh, shush!

#36

⇓

- Shush, shush, they're about to open! - Why do we have to shush?

#37

⇓

Oh, guys! I almost forgot.

#38

⇓

Do not go near the pool drains,

#39

⇓

no matter how good you might think they feel on your butt.

#40

⇓

- What? - Huh? What?

#41

⇓

You do not sit on those!

#42

⇓

No one's thinking about that, man.

#44

⇓

No one's thinking about that at all.

#45

⇓

Oh, good, 'cause it is bad news.

#46

⇓

Those things will suck the intestines right out of you.

#47

⇓

Like it did to that one kid back in '96.

#48

⇓

Now, she had to chew through her intestines

#49

⇓

- just to get free. - When I see the drain,

#50

⇓

I'm not gonna go try and sit on it.

#51

⇓

- Oh, here we go. - Okay, here we go! Here we go!

#52

⇓

- We got to go! Get in there! Go! Go! Go! - Christ!

#53

⇓

Kiddie Twister Kiddie Twister

#54

⇓

Here we go, here we go, here we go!

#55

⇓

- Yeah, Kiddie Twister! - I'm so excited.

#56

⇓

- It's been, like, 20 years. - What's that?

#57

⇓

It turns light red at the slightest hint of piss.

#59

⇓

- And I think we're good. - Let's roll.

#60

⇓

Hey, guys, guys, guys. Slide's for kids only.

#61

⇓

Size requirement.

#62

⇓

Shut up, nerd!

#63

⇓

Kiddie Twister!

#64

⇓

Screw you, nerd!

#65

⇓

You're gonna get hurt

#66

⇓

Uh, come on, nerd.

#67

⇓

Whoo-hoo! Kiddie Twister!

#68

⇓

Kiddie Twister!

#70

⇓

Kiddie Twis... oh, shit!

#71

⇓

Kiddie Twister! Wait, Dee, no!

#72

⇓

No, I'm stuck, wait!

#73

⇓

Ow!

#74

⇓

Shit!

#75

⇓

Ow! Ow, Dee, I'm stuck!

#76

⇓

Yeah, no shit!

#77

⇓

You're blocking me.

#79

⇓

Your stupid wrist band got us all jammed up.

#80

⇓

It's not just that.

#81

⇓

Shit, what are we gonna do?

#83

⇓

Uh... Okay. Just remain calm, all right?

#84

⇓

Okay, but we got to get unstuck before they send another kid

#86

⇓

because... Oh, God,

#87

⇓

some big, fat kid's just gonna come blasting down on us.

#88

⇓

You're gonna be fine. Trust me.

#89

⇓

- Shit! - God damn it!

#90

⇓

This is slow, Charlie.

#92

⇓

I'm never gonna get through this crap.

#93

⇓

We should've gone down the first slide we saw.

#94

⇓

I know, I know, but we needed to start at the northmost point

#95

⇓

of the park, right?

#96

⇓

- Then we work our way south. - Yeah.

#97

⇓

And that cuts back on the excess

#98

⇓

- running back and forth. - Oh, yeah.

#99

⇓

You know, that said, I'm sorry I got us so lost.

#100

⇓

- I thought north was, like, up. - "Up"?

#103

⇓

We got to get going here.

#107

⇓

- I know, God damn it. - Where's he going?

#108

⇓

- Coming through. Excuse us. - What, what?

#109

⇓

How come he can cut to the front?

#110

⇓

Oh, Ethan is here with a special program for children with leukemia,

#111

⇓

so he skips to the front of the line.

#112

⇓

AIDS!

#114

⇓

AIDS, I got AIDS. I got AIDS, we're coming through.

#115

⇓

Yeah, yeah, sorry. Cutting through.

#116

⇓

I'm his doctor, my patient's got to get to the front of the line

#117

⇓

- because he has AIDS. - I got the AIDS.

#118

⇓

He got it from a gay guy in the '80s.

#119

⇓

- I'm not gay, I didn't... But... - Well...

#120

⇓

There's two kind of AIDS...

#121

⇓

There's the vagina AIDS, and then the needle-based AIDS.

#122

⇓

I'm a vagina guy.

#123

⇓

Well, no, actually my test results show that it was the gay AIDS.

#124

⇓

- All AIDS are bad. - Well...

#125

⇓

No good AIDS. But I'm telling you, like I said,

#126

⇓

this is not the gay AIDS.

#127

⇓

Lie back down.

#128

⇓

One of these little stinkers yours?

#129

⇓

- My son. - This one here?

#130

⇓

Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah,

#131

⇓

he's adorable.

#132

⇓

- You? - Oh, daughter, yeah.

#133

⇓

I try to take her to fun places like this.

#134

⇓

Let a little sunshine back into her life ever since her mom...

#135

⇓

Oh, my God. Did she...

#136

⇓

Die horrifically?

#137

⇓

Yeah.

#138

⇓

Drowning. Kind of ironic, us being at a water park,

#139

⇓

but, you know, you got to...

#140

⇓

You got to roll with the punches, you know?

#141

⇓

Got to get back out there and live life...

#142

⇓

Daddy, Daddy, can I borrow $20?

#143

⇓

What?

#144

⇓

Oh, hi there, what's your name?

#145

⇓

Abby.

#146

⇓

I'm hungry, Daddy.

#147

⇓

Can I please have $20?

#148

⇓

Well, I think you can get something to eat for a lot less than that, hon.

#149

⇓

Dad!

#150

⇓

I'm hungry, I'm starving,

#151

⇓

and you haven't given me any money.

#152

⇓

Yeah.

#153

⇓

What the hell?

#154

⇓

Anything for my little...

#155

⇓

Abby.

#156

⇓

Interesting.

#157

⇓

What's interesting?

#158

⇓

Nothing.

#159

⇓

I'm done with you.

#160

⇓

Keep up.

#161

⇓

Aah! Jesus.

#162

⇓

You'd think all the pressure would blast us through.

#163

⇓

No, it's just squeezing me further into the stuck!

#164

⇓

Okay, well, get the bracelet off.

#165

⇓

- Just rip it off. - Dee, I'm trying.

#166

⇓

I can't get any actual leverage on it.

#167

⇓

Besides, it's triple-laminated.

#168

⇓

- It's not just gonna rip. - Oh, no.

#169

⇓

- I think someone peed. - What! Sherman, did you pee?

#170

⇓

- No. - Sherman, my vial

#171

⇓

- is turning light pink. - Ugh...

#172

⇓

God damn it, Sherman, I ordered you not to pee!

#173

⇓

- Sorry! - Oh, disgusting!

#174

⇓

Sorry's not gonna cut it, Sherman,

#175

⇓

- it's not gonna cut it. - Nobody else pee!

#176

⇓

Ah, the sun's just blasting me right in the face.

#177

⇓

Why does it have to be right there?

#178

⇓

Dee, if God put the sun there, there's probably a reason, okay?

#179

⇓

Don't question him. We need God!

#180

⇓

God didn't put the sun anywhere.

#181

⇓

The sun stays still. The Earth moves around it.

#182

⇓

- Oh, Jesus Christ. - Okay. All right.

#183

⇓

We gotta get these kids out of here.

#184

⇓

All right. I'm going for it. I'm just pulling on one of 'em.

#185

⇓

Come on. Ah, this friggin' dome's like a magnifying glass.

#186

⇓

Get him through, I can get him.

#187

⇓

- Get help. - Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

#188

⇓

Kid, kid, kid, listen. Come here.

#189

⇓

Before you go,

#190

⇓

no matter how alluring it is,

#191

⇓

do not put your genitals or your butthole

#192

⇓

near the pool drain. You got it?

#193

⇓

- In fact, cover your butthole. - Okay, go.

#194

⇓

- Okay, kid. Go, kid, go! - Come on. Go.

#195

⇓

Cover that butthole, kid!

#196

⇓

Mac. Stop talking to children about their buttholes, okay?

#197

⇓

- It's not appropriate. - Okay.

#198

⇓

Okay. Uh, I think we gotta get another kid out.

#199

⇓

You know what? What about this one?

#200

⇓

That kid looks passed out, Dee.

#201

⇓

Yeah, he's out cold, but I think

#202

⇓

I can maneuver his body pretty easily.

#203

⇓

Yeah, but if we send him down there, he might drown.

#204

⇓

Guys, I gotta take a poop.

#205

⇓

I see you stealing. I wasn't stealing them!

#206

⇓

I just forgot I was wearing them! Let go of me!

#207

⇓

My dad's a cop!

#208

⇓

Abigail! What is going on in here?

#209

⇓

Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you.

#210

⇓

- This your daughter? - Yes.

#211

⇓

Officer Dennis Reynolds.

#212

⇓

Hi. Off-duty, of course.

#213

⇓

This is your jurisdiction.

#214

⇓

- Look, I caught her stealing sunglasses. - Yeah?

#215

⇓

- No, I didn't! I was just... - Abigail,

#216

⇓

I gave you $20 to buy whatever you wanted.

#217

⇓

What happened to that? Do you still have it?

#218

⇓

Yes.

#219

⇓

Well, then you need to pay for these sunglasses.

#220

⇓

Actually, no. You know what? On second thought, no.

#221

⇓

You don't get the sunglasses.

#222

⇓

- You need to be taught a lesson. - I think that she gets...

#223

⇓

I really appreciate everything that you do.

#224

⇓

Real police officer to security guard,

#225

⇓

honestly, I want to thank you for everything.

#226

⇓

- Thanks. - This little girl,

#227

⇓

she's gonna be grounded for a month.

#228

⇓

Come on, Abigail, let's go.

#229

⇓

Try to touch me, and I'll scream "rape."

#230

⇓

Please. I see the road you're headed down. The lying, the stealing, all of it.

#231

⇓

And as somebody who's been down that road,

#232

⇓

let me tell you something. You've got real talent.

#233

⇓

Okay...

#234

⇓

Mmm.

#235

⇓

That ought to work.

#236

⇓

What are you doing?

#237

⇓

Oh, it's a simple lunch play.

#238

⇓

I tell the burger stand

#239

⇓

some hyperactive brat knocked my food on the ground,

#240

⇓

they replace it, no questions asked.

#241

⇓

I usually just swipe a burger

#242

⇓

off some dumb-ass family while they're not looking.

#243

⇓

Well, that begs the question, Abigail,

#244

⇓

you want to be a thief or do you want to be an artist?

#245

⇓

You see, an artist takes whatever

#246

⇓

he wants when somebody's looking right at him.

#247

⇓

- These are too small for me. - Yeah.

#248

⇓

- You get the point. - Yeah.

#249

⇓

Here comes the hot stepper Murderer

#250

⇓

I'm the lyrical gangster Murderer

#251

⇓

Big up di crew ina di area Murderer

#252

⇓

Still love you like that Murderer

#253

⇓

No, no, we don't die

#254

⇓

Yes, we multiply

#255

⇓

- I got AIDS, AIDS. - AIDS! Guy with AIDS, coming through.

#256

⇓

- AIDS, coming through. - AIDS, AIDS...

#257

⇓

Hey, man, go through. Hey, go for it, go, go, go!

#258

⇓

No, you need a raft! You need a raft!

#259

⇓

Touch them up and go, uh-oh

#260

⇓

Ch-Ch-Chang-chang

#261

⇓

Here comes the hot stepper Murderer

#262

⇓

I'm the lyrical gangster...

#263

⇓

Excuse me, Mr. Officer Murderer

#264

⇓

Still love you like that Murderer

#265

⇓

Go.

#266

⇓

Go.

#267

⇓

- My camera! - Oh, great, your camera.

#268

⇓

I was really worried about that.

#269

⇓

This is my watch.

#270

⇓

Cut to fade is me fade to cut is she

#271

⇓

Come juggle with me I say every time

#272

⇓

Here comes the hot stepper Murderer...

#273

⇓

Go.

#274

⇓

Go.

#275

⇓

- My sunglasses. - Oh, all of our chains!

#276

⇓

You know how hard it is to get all of our chains.

#277

⇓

- AIDS... - AIDS.

#278

⇓

Na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na

#279

⇓

Na-na-na-na

#280

⇓

Ow!

#281

⇓

Stop sending kids, nerd!

#282

⇓

- You goddamn nerd! - Go.

#283

⇓

- We're making good time. - We're doin' it, Charlie.

#284

⇓

- We're pretty much caught up. - Whoa, hey, hey, guys!

#285

⇓

What are you guys doing? You guys doing a AIDS thing?

#286

⇓

- Oh, yeah! - Yeah.

#287

⇓

I gave Frank a couple hickeys

#288

⇓

- to sell the lesions. - Sucked on 'em.

#289

⇓

Yeah, yeah.

#290

⇓

You doing a fake daughter thing?

#291

⇓

- Yeah. - Cool. All right, man, see ya.

#292

⇓

See ya.

#293

⇓

I'm the lyrical gangster Murderer

#294

⇓

Excuse me, Mr. Officer Murderer

#295

⇓

Still love you like that Murderer

#296

⇓

Act like you know, G go

#297

⇓

I know what Bo don't know

#298

⇓

Touch them up and go, uh-oh

#299

⇓

Three, two, one, go!

#300

⇓

I got AIDS!

#301

⇓

Yeah!

#302

⇓

- Frank, we did it, man! - Charlie!

#303

⇓

- With time to spare! - Charlie! We...

#304

⇓

- Every single ride in here! - We won!

#305

⇓

- Hey! Hey, hey, hey! - Hey! Suck on that, river rat!

#306

⇓

Every ride!

#307

⇓

- We did it. - Oh, shit.

#308

⇓

Frank. Look at this!

#309

⇓

- Oh. - Oh...

#310

⇓

What... What is that?

#311

⇓

I don't know.

#312

⇓

I mean, that's not on the map... What ride is that?

#313

⇓

- Excuse me? Excuse me, ma'am? - Yeah?

#314

⇓

What is this ride over here?

#315

⇓

Oh, that's our new slide. It's, uh, Thunder Gun Express.

#316

⇓

We just finished construction.

#317

⇓

It'll be open in a few weeks.

#318

⇓

- A Thunder Gun ride? - Yeah.

#319

⇓

Like the movie?

#320

⇓

Yeah, but there's no water or anything yet,

#321

⇓

- so we still have to test it. - Oh, yeah.

#322

⇓

It's totally dry.

#323

⇓

- Okay, yeah, yeah. - It's not...

#324

⇓

No, but it's not, it's not open yet.

#325

⇓

It's Thunder Gun, man. No hesitation.

#326

⇓

- No, no, no. - No surrender. No man left behind.

#327

⇓

We got to get to the top of that slide.

#328

⇓

And raw-dog the shit out of it!

#329

⇓

- Mac? - Yeah?

#330

⇓

My vial is blood red.

#331

⇓

That's because the water's not even running through anymore.

#332

⇓

It's just pooling up.

#333

⇓

Well, I got to tell you something, though, I...

#334

⇓

I don't know if I'm gonna be able to hold it much longer.

#335

⇓

- What? - I've been in here for so long.

#336

⇓

Don't you do it, Dee! Don't you do it!

#337

⇓

The problem is it's already happening. I'm peeing on your shoulder right now.

#338

⇓

But I don't mean to, I'm sorry.

#339

⇓

- It's warm. - You bitch!

#340

⇓

When we get out of here, I'm gonna kill you!

#341

⇓

What am I supposed to do? How are you even holding your pee?

#342

⇓

We've been stuck in here forever!

#343

⇓

Oh, I peed as soon as we got in the slide.

#344

⇓

Me, too. What?

#345

⇓

- Ew! - What?

#346

⇓

- These animals are, they're laughing! - Of course they are!

#347

⇓

I think they're actually enjoying this shit!

#348

⇓

Oh, they love every second of it!

#349

⇓

- They're just pissing all over us! - God damn it.

#350

⇓

We're gonna die in here with them!

#351

⇓

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a second, Dee.

#352

⇓

- I've got an idea! - What?

#353

⇓

If we can get Sherman's mouth

#354

⇓

to this bracelet, we can get out of here.

#355

⇓

- You said you couldn't rip through it. - No, I can't.

#356

⇓

But Sherman can chew through it!

#357

⇓

Like the girl in the pool drain

#358

⇓

when she got her anus stuck, she chewed through

#359

⇓

her prolapsed anus and chewed herself to freedom.

#360

⇓

- What are you talking about? - Sherman!

#361

⇓

Get your mouth to this bracelet and chew!

#362

⇓

Aw, screw it. Try it.

#363

⇓

Chew like you've never chewed before.

#364

⇓

Go, Sherman, chew!

#365

⇓

Whoa!

#366

⇓

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?

#367

⇓

I got some boy to give me this.

#368

⇓

I said I'd kiss him if he met me in the parking lot.

#369

⇓

Then I swiped his wristband, so he can't get back in.

#370

⇓

Nice.

#371

⇓

Thanks. Well, I got to roll.

#372

⇓

What do you mean? Where you going? We're just getting started.

#373

⇓

Yeah, but my mom said it's time to leave.

#374

⇓

Wow.

#375

⇓

That's a disappointing glimpse into your future.

#376

⇓

Now, why don't you tell your mom

#377

⇓

you want to stick around for a little while?

#378

⇓

That won't work. She never listens to me.

#379

⇓

Oh, now, see, no. That bothers me.

#380

⇓

A genius whose fate is controlled by an idiot?

#381

⇓

You think I'm a genius?

#382

⇓

Yes! Yes, I think you're a genius. Are you kidding me?

#383

⇓

When I was your age, I couldn't have accomplished

#384

⇓

half the things you did today.

#385

⇓

See, this is why the Chinese are destroying us.

#386

⇓

If you were born in China,

#387

⇓

you'd be the head of some factory by now.

#388

⇓

Or they would've thrown you in a river,

#389

⇓

'cause you weren't a boy.

#390

⇓

All right, it's not a great analogy, but you get my point.

#391

⇓

Abby...

#392

⇓

You deserve better.

#393

⇓

Here, I... I want you to have it.

#394

⇓

No, what do you mean? You earned that.

#395

⇓

No, please, take it.

#396

⇓

So you never forget me.

#397

⇓

Thanks, Dennis.

#398

⇓

For being the first adult to actually give a shit about me.

#399

⇓

You!

#400

⇓

Yes?

#401

⇓

We need to have a conversation.

#402

⇓

Your daughter is a special kid. A gifted child who should be treasured.

#403

⇓

If she were born in China, she...

#404

⇓

Wait, I already did that. Didn't work.

#405

⇓

If she were born in...

#406

⇓

What country treasures their women?

#407

⇓

- What are you talking about? - What am I talking about?

#408

⇓

Mom, can I have a slushy?

#409

⇓

Yes, in just a minute.

#410

⇓

Is that Abby's brother?

#411

⇓

I don't have a daughter.

#412

⇓

Yes, you do. The girl that was just...

#413

⇓

Please take it.

#414

⇓

So you never forget me.

#415

⇓

See, an artist takes whatever he wants

#416

⇓

when somebody's looking right at him.

#417

⇓

What is wrong with you? Why are you...

#418

⇓

Huh.

#419

⇓

How would you even describe something like that?

#420

⇓

It's so beautiful.

#421

⇓

They should've sent a poet.

#422

⇓

- All right, let's go, let's go. - Okay.

#423

⇓

- All right, all right. Here we go. - Okay.

#424

⇓

Oh, oh.

#425

⇓

All right.

#426

⇓

- This should be good, right? - Oh, that's great.

#427

⇓

- That'll do it. - Oh!

#428

⇓

Who's going first?

#429

⇓

Well, it should be you, right? I mean, you pulled off the AIDS thing.

#430

⇓

Oh, Charlie! Charlie! All right!

#431

⇓

Let's go before we get caught. Let's go before we get busted.

#432

⇓

- All right, here we go. Ready, Frankie! - All right.

#433

⇓

- I won't let you down! - All right!

#434

⇓

- I like the spirit here. - Oh!

#435

⇓

Oh, it burns! It burns! It burns!

#436

⇓

Aah!

#437

⇓

My back!

#438

⇓

That guy has AIDS!

#439

⇓

Aah! Aah, my back!

#440

⇓

AIDS! Everybody out.

#441

⇓

Aah! Aah!

#442

⇓

- We're free! - Oh, my God!

#443

⇓

- Ah, we're free! - We're free!

#444

⇓

Is that blood?

#445

⇓

There's AIDS blood in the pool!

#446

⇓

That's goddamn AIDS blood!

#447

⇓

Has anyone seen my son?

#448

⇓

God damn it!

#449

⇓

I hate this goddamn water park!

#450

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