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Malcolm in the Middle

Season 7, Episode 20 โ€” Cattle Court

TMDB episode metadata
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Dewey.
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Is that what I think it is?
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You know the rules about animals in the house.
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Okay, okay, I'll get rid of it.
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And we can all
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bringing home will come in handy, too.
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They have me back on the floor where all the action is.
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And they upgraded to the new Slaughter-Bot.
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Now it has six chainsaw arms,
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Uh-huh.
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You people wonder why I wake up screaming all the time.
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- What kind of meat is that? - Don't knock it.
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Or you can update
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all those exciting new countries onto your globe.
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the attention they deserve.
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I am so happy.
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as I've always imagined it, I can die happy.
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so if you'll all excuse me.
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Dad?
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What's this?
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"This coupon entitles you to one free game night with Dad."
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Let's go.
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You're not gonna hold me to this, are you?
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- Does it have an expiration date? - No.
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good for future services.
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What kind of pack rat are you?
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Don't you ever throw anything away?
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All right, fine! Let's go.
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And I'll start burning through some of these free hugs.
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I don't need them hanging over my head.
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I'm sorry, ma'am, I can't sell you that box.
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It's damaged.
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I don't see any damage.
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Thank you for choosing Lucky Aide.
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Craig, I need you to cover my Friday night shift.
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There's a Lifetime movie I want to see.
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Heather Locklear is a welfare mom trying to get her kids back.
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- Friday? - I wouldn't want you
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to miss that, Lois.
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I cried my eyes out
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- at the part where... - Shh!
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Right. We'll talk later.
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Craig, how could you let her do that to you?
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I would have totally spilled the romance
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with the hunky social worker.
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No. Why do you let her push you around like that?
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She didn't even ask.
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She just assumed that you'd have nothing better to do
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than to pick up her crappy shifts.
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That's not right.
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She does this all the time.
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She takes advantage of you
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without any consideration of your feelings.
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Doesn't that upset you?
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I guess I am a little cheesed off.
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There you go.
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I knew you were too much of a man to let her
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get away with this.
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You're gonna show her that Craig Feldspar
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can't be pushed around.
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Thank you, Malcolm, for opening my eyes.
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You've awoken a sleeping giant, and he's very cranky.
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Six, seven...
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Eight, nine, ten.
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I win.
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Wow, I smoked you again, Dad.
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Looks like I'm just better at Life than you.
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Good for you, Dewey.
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But I hope you know that this isn't
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how things work in the real world.
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It's very oversimplified.
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I mean, you can't just break into a zoo,
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roll a couple of elevens
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and suddenly become the dean of a university.
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I did.
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Son, I'm just trying
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to give you a life lesson here.
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And yet, that's my orange limo
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sitting at the finish line, isn't it?
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Interesting.
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Dewey goes straight to bed with no dessert.
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Interesting.
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Here's your seat, Reese-- all warmed up.
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And a low-carb lunch just like you asked for.
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No, thanks. I brought my own lunch today.
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What?
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You can't have blood sausage without the blood, can you?
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You'd better get moving.
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I have science next period,
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and those lab stools are freezing.
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Is it okay if I sit here?
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This is on a dare, huh?
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If you have to touch me, I'm okay with that,
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but I have to approve any photographs.
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No, it's just that I couldn't sit and watch kids
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eating the flesh of murdered animals.
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Is that the special?
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Is that why you're sitting alone?
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Are you a vegetarian, too?
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Yes, I am.
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The very thought of eating meat
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makes my taste buds cry in disgust.
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I just thought I was the only one.
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You're not alone.
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- Hi. How are you doing? - Hi, how are you?
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So, Craig, did you tell my mom
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that you couldn't cover her shift Friday night?
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Oh, I think I did far better than that.
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- Huh? - Patience, my friend.
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My trap is about to spring.
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This stupid pen doesn't work.
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I was up all night scribbling with it.
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Watch her face as her whole world comes crumbling down.
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Okay, I didn't see that coming. But who would?
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That's it? That's what you did to get back at her?
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Relax, Malcolm. That is just the first course
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in my tasty menu of revenge.
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That was supposed to stick.
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Don't worry--
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her finger sponge is as dry as a bone.
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Dad?
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What's going on?
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I got your message at school.
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Is everything okay?
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Everything's about to be.
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Have a seat.
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You pulled me out of a math test
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to play a game with you?
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This is much more important than some useless math test.
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I have to make sure that you understand
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you got lucky last time.
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Life won't always go your way, Dewey.
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And the sooner you learn that lesson, the better.
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Sit down.
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Sit.
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"You study hard and become an astronaut."
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All right.
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Wha... ?!
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What... what kind of lesson
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is this stupid game teaching you?!
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Where's the card that tells you
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your hemorrhoids are not covered by your health plan, huh?!
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Or would that not make a fun game?
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Hey, Malcolm. Did you know that henna parties were so last year?
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I had no clue.
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Craig, I just checked the schedule and it still says
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that you're covering for my mom Friday night.
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I thought you were going to do something about that.
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Oh, I think she suffered enough.
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Her name tag's been on upside down all night.
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Craig, don't you want to be taken seriously?
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I'm taken seriously.
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No, you're not.
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Especially not by my mom.
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She has nothing but complete and utter contempt for you.
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That's not true.
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Oh, yeah?
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She said the only reason she ever makes eye contact with you
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is because the rest of you is too hard to look at.
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She did?
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And you think she doesn't know that her name tag's upside down?
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Of course she does, she just doesn't care,
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because it was only Craig the doormat who did it.
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You mean nothing to her.
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Nothing at all. You have to stand up to her.
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For once in your life, Craig, be a man!
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I hate her!
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Okay, so I lied and destroyed a man
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so I could go to a concert.
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I'll get him a T-shirt.
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There.
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I've just got to remember third, fourth and ninth leaves
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and every other tomato.
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I don't understand why you can't just eat vegetarian
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for one meal.
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You know I get my headaches if I go too long without meat.
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And you don't see lying to Carrie as a problem?
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Come on, Dewey, tell me how this is any different
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than her wearing makeup?
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It's not about me-- it's about her fantasy of me.
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And I owe it to her to live up to that fantasy.
โ†“
b4e21d5f-c492-4ff4-a25f-bebd28ff695f.gif
Now hand me that stapler.
โ†“
d853b5b7-396a-4d3b-876f-d2fa88fef6ca.gif
This is amazing.
โ†“
9189d6b8-cd18-4ebf-880d-240c92526c93.gif
Isn't it great finding someone with the same values?
โ†“
b270bf99-88a9-49c4-af4f-4cdd15c48e7c.gif
Exactly.
โ†“
4f416922-f537-4cf8-8bc9-260770190a3a.gif
We couldn't be more on the same page.
โ†“
854137b7-a928-4c50-8aa2-ea927f553b1f.gif
Hey, give me back my hat!
โ†“
30edd7c4-597e-40a7-9255-613cf0b8b813.gif
You want your hat back, come and get it.
โ†“
eb1d2ad0-1e53-49b1-b031-9bcf9f6f625c.gif
Hey, look at those gorgeous dogs.
โ†“
f2f1edf3-b041-4c75-884b-84eea1185246.gif
Who gives a crap?
โ†“
42d31695-3015-4dfe-9771-1afe983c0ce6.gif
I mean, except us.
โ†“
ec102aac-5262-43a0-bca7-faa6252fc0ca.gif
When is America going to finally realize
โ†“
e68b89ef-c8cc-4501-928b-d54ed240017a.gif
that dogs are not our enemy?
โ†“
ed972c34-0d0b-4939-9249-3699b56e03b6.gif
Wow, they really love you.
โ†“
9f47c938-4688-45eb-9ef3-87849357cddb.gif
Yeah. This happens all the time.
โ†“
21d96a18-333b-455f-9d05-003c8cd58f3e.gif
I guess they can smell how much I really love animals.
โ†“
ef45fcf4-2714-4ffa-80b0-ac98d0b852bd.gif
Get out of here, you mangy bastards!
โ†“
07346c09-74aa-4fed-a9b3-2205f90bab22.gif
What? What's wrong, Reese?
โ†“
9b831e1a-9d5f-44f7-8dd7-1077ce6ba52f.gif
Hey, you know what I realize?
โ†“
54933bb1-1c25-45a4-bf6b-d4328378d58b.gif
That is not my hat.
โ†“
f71b89fe-7977-444c-82d5-c7d05d548aed.gif
What are you talking about?
โ†“
4d9828b5-b817-4624-ac60-1f0e2bd8dc07.gif
Some crazy guy just shoved it on my head and took off.
โ†“
7f8ab8b9-467b-4ca2-8d2d-b3bc0891e829.gif
I have no idea what's inside of it!
โ†“
3eda7949-dbd2-4ad6-867c-85aa09a110ee.gif
Oh, my God, is this bacon?!
โ†“
d1ff8874-d426-45a3-86bb-e008054bb280.gif
That's not mine, I swear!
โ†“
274a21b7-213d-4853-86e8-2b48529904a6.gif
I've been set up!
โ†“
5c812f5b-654c-4894-b499-b5a8870ff45a.gif
And that is not my pork chop!
โ†“
09118448-f12a-4a1f-aacb-b83b74a99693.gif
Oh, my God, the conspiracy goes all the way to the top!
โ†“
3d01c02c-fbd2-490d-8a8f-1c74e752a899.gif
What are you doing?
โ†“
540d451b-df5c-430d-ada6-c2d771711f6f.gif
Trying to instill in Dewey the values
โ†“
58f20828-46ac-47f2-97e8-cd9d29a0670b.gif
sadly neglected by Mr. Milton Bradley
โ†“
b1413035-2b0c-4742-bce1-6c0a958e4971.gif
and those cowardly Parker Brothers.
โ†“
08312825-586e-4388-8955-56949d760a2b.gif
I mean, how are kids supposed to learn about how
โ†“
31b10590-b83b-4c3d-8401-4c687b133d72.gif
life really works?
โ†“
1b927a67-b734-41a7-9432-0c4da6fe939e.gif
Not from that G-rated fairy tale.
โ†“
d677f543-d31f-4a60-b414-e2ae0cf374d5.gif
You can't just play a "Join The Circus" card
โ†“
f0482bce-6ac7-4cfe-b227-9b058aab6e91.gif
and walk away scot-free.
โ†“
ba1bfe0d-2a6d-4765-ae06-c0fa4fc680d5.gif
"Found A Tumor?"
โ†“
0540287a-092a-4b2c-b7fa-11a4ef6630b3.gif
That takes you to the Chemo spinner.
โ†“
57d588e3-3ace-4ac6-b03b-78880459619b.gif
Oh, come on, Carrie,
โ†“
266d3024-55a7-45cc-9455-f06a41bb34db.gif
you've got to get over this vegetarian hang-up.
โ†“
4b6f3048-ed5d-47a3-a57f-e79882067e12.gif
You can't honestly tell me those animals were innocent.
โ†“
3ddd9835-e8c5-4017-a0ab-b2a85ab7ce0e.gif
They were sent to the slaughterhouse for a reason.
โ†“
529c6d9b-0afa-4afa-825b-3c580783818f.gif
And if you don't think they're planning
โ†“
7530ce8c-bbd8-46c0-a08e-c75f2c992beb.gif
some kind of uprising, you're just deluding yourself.
โ†“
fdd2a14b-6559-4146-bf5d-34ab722ea0bd.gif
Hello?
โ†“
e73bb6d8-7cf6-41d3-b83f-5dbfedcde893.gif
She didn't have an answer to that one, did she?
โ†“
e2f43f21-1898-4276-9efd-42367294c7b6.gif
Malcolm,
โ†“
c3fca9ff-959d-4216-ad50-efdbf9891b05.gif
do you know what's going on with Craig?
โ†“
af08b8f9-fc29-45cf-b29a-ea5c0cb6c2e8.gif
No. Why?
โ†“
83af4c99-1d7f-4d88-9f98-6ada867e0171.gif
He left this bizarre weepy message
โ†“
556fb1ec-82a4-4dd6-ace9-7f183f2b2f1b.gif
on the answering machine.
โ†“
17aae5f0-b421-4734-be92-ef8e906ae280.gif
I mean, it's more bizarre and weepy than usual.
โ†“
d0196de0-2eb4-4ea1-8703-a052f823d3f1.gif
Did something upset him at work?
โ†“
94e540b4-b4e3-4090-913c-51260b2ccf4b.gif
Oh, right.
โ†“
4bef95a5-01cd-44f9-ae18-d9ca6dae783a.gif
I think they switched
โ†“
f55c6d7a-4b4e-48c1-b501-040cdef96c1e.gif
from cylindrical-shape ice cream scoopers
โ†“
e5208834-3023-4655-b544-c7747ca2b108.gif
to the conical ones.
โ†“
a34cbb91-b7af-49a2-9e9b-fd9241077bea.gif
He took it really hard.
โ†“
6c9d412c-f927-456c-8293-4cd61a1e6048.gif
I'm going out to play.
โ†“
ec7fac69-96ec-443f-8072-bb316244604d.gif
Oh, sorry, son, but you are staying in to play.
โ†“
e21de942-a5b2-428d-ad00-4a882551af86.gif
- That's him! - He's the murderer!
โ†“
4216fe74-d6e8-4fe4-b95b-7ed24d7d7613.gif
What?! No!
โ†“
3dead1f3-e555-4075-a0c9-1514f479e275.gif
He ate my husband!
โ†“
319b99d0-d275-4d28-9776-0cc8e4d88c9c.gif
He deep-fried my parents!
โ†“
b1bb2e4c-947b-42cd-bd2c-27b79dd5a678.gif
- Order! - Order in the court.
โ†“
e666736c-ac7c-4dbb-9544-43e87f318d81.gif
Let's behave like animals, people.
โ†“
066025dd-4d7c-422e-b4a2-802517206fe1.gif
Your Honor, the defendant is charged with 63,428
โ†“
c4c8e5f4-180c-4b9b-be69-315c14fe3732.gif
counts of murder!
โ†“
74b3e826-45ca-4808-be1d-31666109e4c9.gif
What?!
โ†“
328ff1b8-76c9-4eca-b3ef-3771e71b3629.gif
Each count is by the slice!
โ†“
1fb49a0a-e5f3-4a1e-8017-9a0ff09de201.gif
It's not my fault you're all so delicious!
โ†“
a09f5742-658b-4fb1-8109-5793c67dd552.gif
This isn't fair. Say something.
โ†“
72257a72-c1cd-4dc2-a537-802fb398336a.gif
That's not what you said in the hallway.
โ†“
5327089a-e304-4297-87f3-3abdc5cc5f6f.gif
I didn't do anything wrong!
โ†“
e0f40e8c-32e5-4252-b892-9b3084f6d397.gif
Didn't do anything wrong?
โ†“
51cdab98-f805-44a6-92a5-6c38d65ba785.gif
Your Honor,
โ†“
f5c55994-7a93-4096-93e2-d50b3a9e2393.gif
I'd like to present
โ†“
afd9492f-c139-4aea-b560-e6deeee8bba0.gif
some evidence.
โ†“
7cf13442-1ca9-4202-8067-340b3f1f1c9e.gif
I warn you, these photographs are extremely graphic.
โ†“
6e364748-47fa-49bb-be26-901573c4da03.gif
What? That's just my breakfast.
โ†“
87529c12-fa67-4c6a-ba8b-2baa8048c50b.gif
Is anybody else getting hungry?
โ†“
967f241d-d425-447c-8452-e11cf4b48067.gif
Your Honor, the defendant obviously shows
โ†“
2335ed7d-2eb2-4c89-b9dc-76ff48757fa9.gif
no remorse for his crimes.
โ†“
fa73735d-45dc-4133-965e-0badf8e5cd0b.gif
I've heard enough.
โ†“
9c350f0e-3946-4dd8-ab07-76a3c52924f2.gif
You make me sick to my stomachs.
โ†“
8fe2d2fb-9d8c-4798-864f-a5ff59aea754.gif
I say he's guilty.
โ†“
a5a9aec9-00a0-4770-baa1-907433613a15.gif
How does the jury find?
โ†“
27da6ae5-a5f0-4265-8c70-9c7909b08a3f.gif
Guilty!
โ†“
b4af1039-7937-4675-ad9f-4da1698e9449.gif
That's not fair.
โ†“
dad2bb7c-a56d-4006-b09d-15318056c15b.gif
They're just following you like sheep.
โ†“
5563955f-2c07-4c66-abc8-107f16e7171c.gif
You have been found guilty by a jury of your food.
โ†“
e432bcb3-02cf-49c0-9ccf-278cbf83ec1a.gif
I sentence you to be lightly seared and served
โ†“
4b25be62-aab6-41b4-aaf0-588938c8f3da.gif
with a Cajun peppercorn sauce.
โ†“
ff4243db-f1bb-457f-a4d4-3f0751579ab4.gif
Well, Dewey, looks like you pulled
โ†“
652ed552-1e88-4c95-86ba-fad6e37b6cf8.gif
another "Debilitating Depression" card.
โ†“
5b3ee206-5402-40de-907c-9646b66b47f2.gif
Back to the lockdown ward for you, my friend.
โ†“
92228f8e-1acf-4ab0-93ce-da7e4f65a211.gif
Dad, we've been playing all night.
โ†“
a7e391b5-4b23-4d48-bb99-076b58628913.gif
Can't we stop?
โ†“
57640237-ef04-4d96-ae20-a20131c2dc9a.gif
That is exactly what I'm trying to teach you, son.
โ†“
0774a9f8-cfe8-438b-b073-12e96fa1445a.gif
You can't just quit when things get tough.
โ†“
d16afa1d-d6fe-41c0-ae10-e07f43734ccb.gif
You have to grind it out day after day after day
โ†“
af4f842a-9d78-444f-ae26-dd17682de041.gif
to feed your kids, to pay your mortgage.
โ†“
4e8fb598-b947-47fe-a983-409eab5d5a1d.gif
That's how real life works.
โ†“
be15bf2b-b882-4e38-9531-ee5035971e8c.gif
Unless, of course, you pull the "Suicide" card.
โ†“
9c1e34f8-0426-42ae-8b1e-f51c7af9a9cc.gif
But there's very few of those in the deck.
โ†“
bb45eaaa-a678-4d9e-95b8-64a52a492a91.gif
My turn.
โ†“
585a7f29-e4e2-43e2-a896-7d19fb93ab1a.gif
Oh, morning, Reese.
โ†“
79fb7921-752a-4d60-9c49-d394b19faad2.gif
I'm making sausage for breakfast, your favorite.
โ†“
3f1030d8-6e8c-4acd-a0da-a4e425e9f514.gif
No way! You can't pin that on me!
โ†“
408c1160-ef5a-435a-9fa3-16ac743022ac.gif
I'm innocent! I'm innocent, you hear!
โ†“
23f5f662-fbf6-4fef-8819-16818c267dcc.gif
Craig, what are you doing here?
โ†“
76626310-1355-407d-9215-b10b9e81dc05.gif
Just stopped in to say my good-byes.
โ†“
d2aa240d-6908-44f0-841f-147bed3209f9.gif
Good-bye?
โ†“
8980dcfc-a25f-46f2-8a6d-1d969090e81d.gif
Yup, quit my job at Lucky Aide,
โ†“
d7982d93-3af7-424d-a384-65a87a36ec88.gif
bought a little secondhand Vesper
โ†“
cb0ccc8f-6b6d-4f2e-bbc8-56d03364c71a.gif
and I'm about to hit the road.
โ†“
863cd168-a576-4fbe-a202-8d4351ce8ca7.gif
- What? - That's right.
โ†“
83b77767-971d-419d-a2c1-057a1e264df9.gif
I'm going to finally fulfill my dream
โ†“
847ba073-d596-4933-9519-72c209516a92.gif
of eating a Swedish pancake in every IHOP in America.
โ†“
13099524-5a0c-467a-b882-25f0e1d0eb2b.gif
It's only been done twice,
โ†“
8388279b-37d7-48b8-9595-0d65931a9baf.gif
you know, and one of those was undocumented.
โ†“
d0ec2411-8145-4009-a650-d12f368fd56e.gif
Craig, that's crazy. Why are you doing this?
โ†“
63f6ae6c-30cf-43bb-bb11-6483c907c8e3.gif
Oh, you know, it's the same old story.
โ†“
13bba861-daa3-407c-baaf-2bec81f020c1.gif
Girlfriend crowding me,
โ†“
21f3f2c3-2043-47c0-b37a-08c2cd3fa718.gif
too many friends jockeying for face time.
โ†“
ee531878-c2d1-4f7c-8b37-deee9a5d3c2b.gif
A man needs his freedom, Lois.
โ†“
e0fdad56-9415-4bd6-af30-63e71c555948.gif
What more can I say?
โ†“
58160582-28be-4edc-bad4-92ae1f37ad63.gif
Anyways, I won't be able
โ†“
13984a45-2aaf-43d3-b624-b9d92aee670e.gif
to cover your Friday night shift after all.
โ†“
ee0e0d95-5910-48f7-a7f0-3ebf3ba4f48b.gif
I know this is all my fault,
โ†“
900e8ce4-0159-4b3a-ba19-f2b1557faf2e.gif
but maybe this will be good for him.
โ†“
27dfa14f-0a4e-4d30-928c-5ab10f572096.gif
He's made a realistic decision to evaluate his life.
โ†“
c7e13be2-b85d-44be-8204-9764842343a8.gif
How can that be bad?
โ†“
6790186a-90d8-4877-b47c-352b3a71b79f.gif
I don't have much money, but I've got my banjo.
โ†“
138d2e9e-c193-4550-bc41-530aa8abe260.gif
I figure I'd pay for my meals with songs,
โ†“
ac0f530e-91e7-419b-89f0-ca1aed365c59.gif
the kindness of strangers should take care of the rest.
โ†“
7c2fe55d-8842-4582-a0c0-1c4f1109b02a.gif
Well, then I guess it's good-bye.
โ†“
e09a819a-cee5-4719-b285-4d07472d0044.gif
You know I've never been really big on the sissy stuff,
โ†“
409ff7cd-dce0-437c-875f-f9080ac16808.gif
so I'd better just haul tush.
โ†“
82d47c59-1b20-4f25-b98a-3b197275a64c.gif
Wow.
โ†“
6762ab40-0151-4c2a-bc8f-e0372a159781.gif
I wasn't going to say anything until he got to the banjo stuff,
โ†“
b843da7b-c227-4443-9464-2f74a8b8ee90.gif
but he'll be dead before sundown.
โ†“
9a04ad70-4c25-4635-92da-1902b83aecbe.gif
Mom, I think there's something you should know.
โ†“
9ebd254a-57db-48ad-8284-c6b74de1ca4e.gif
Remember last week when you asked Craig to cover for you
โ†“
ad2f6be8-b315-4c2f-a4b6-830847761636.gif
on the schedule--
โ†“
cce28ff0-c2e1-4e46-b477-8f18eff5f83c.gif
You ruined his life so you could go see some band?!
โ†“
251f73db-0cfe-4084-89b1-16eca1e5663e.gif
Are you that selfish?
โ†“
1b0c21d7-52c1-4853-8fec-a1081b95a4d0.gif
Apparently, because there's a part of me hoping
โ†“
f73bbb52-76c9-4907-be20-b2a8e207f606.gif
you'll still let me go.
โ†“
51da9145-b1cc-47ca-ab8a-38cd4e38829d.gif
Okay, that part's gone.
โ†“
852d0121-03fa-4099-9e86-641182847478.gif
Get in the car! We got to go find him!
โ†“
15412f8c-5366-434d-bcde-dd063afa23af.gif
Reese, I still don't understand what we're doing here.
โ†“
4a8c6913-96a3-4376-a9c5-d17e88161598.gif
I've worked here all this time
โ†“
09d3f715-f7a9-44ab-a032-1bfe5bf5dcd5.gif
and I didn't understand.
โ†“
e3af8a57-e707-4d2b-af49-5d09f64f9f3b.gif
Understand what?
โ†“
6e20bdfb-c250-44f6-bbea-9db5b8234667.gif
That this is a crime against nature.
โ†“
4218cb30-2d2b-4d28-aad0-03f32c6e3f3a.gif
Would you like to be slathered in a delicious sauce
โ†“
66482b22-fdf9-4bf0-8ca8-579c20058782.gif
and charbroiled to order?
โ†“
5f216114-2aad-4b20-9943-371fe063ccde.gif
I don't think so.
โ†“
17a57407-db15-47f1-a2bb-cee2e3203542.gif
Woah, wait up!
โ†“
76fd8343-625c-4b25-88c8-7f914715b89d.gif
You're free! You're all free!
โ†“
b1b2de9f-0f9c-4825-8f82-5a37329adc6e.gif
Go and live your lives!
โ†“
928d49c7-8fe7-4f28-b993-0f302aff8c8e.gif
Earn this.
โ†“
025bc883-9558-49a2-9c0a-2e10db65324c.gif
You're a hero, Reese!
โ†“
4026323d-7caa-4199-92ff-b7c8c1b7b0f9.gif
Look at them run!
โ†“
2b76700e-f327-4dd1-bbc0-4615ae89edac.gif
It's beautiful, isn't it?
โ†“
34e5baec-c854-416a-9489-8eb712643d6a.gif
I mean, besides the flies and crap and stuff.
โ†“
532803cb-f955-4e2d-a949-e289ae54461c.gif
Oh, my God!
โ†“
6b648d53-491e-48a2-8495-d3ce7c47fe56.gif
They're heading onto the freeway!
โ†“
3b216027-da2d-4a5b-ab77-bb83a9f84e18.gif
This is it, the open road.
โ†“
a81583cb-dc0b-4779-af3b-5551544f073c.gif
A great new chapter's about to be written,
โ†“
fa94c75d-2c6c-4e5c-b1b9-75065ecaa774.gif
a new legend about to be born.
โ†“
aad32e52-e9fa-43b3-84b0-06304d7710ff.gif
Will I travel from town to town solving crimes like Knightrider,
โ†“
19457daf-a670-4212-8f59-ab79b0857fad.gif
or administer frontier justice like the guy from Kung Fu?
โ†“
837fd2ef-25d3-45a2-a0b3-cf5dcfa2d314.gif
I guess we'll just have to see.
โ†“
25d33a58-9fd7-4012-8224-f0cbba682879.gif
Okay, America, get ready to meet Craig Feldspar.
โ†“
9dff1939-1e54-4440-ac72-3522c9b12113.gif
Craig, wait!
โ†“
52934c04-1b69-4589-9ae8-489d816f633f.gif
Oh, God!
โ†“
2ca256e8-6d6f-4f66-88e1-72cb7a8a8335.gif
Craig, are you all right?!
โ†“
adcbb0bd-2191-401f-baa3-f6b98f56c71c.gif
Craig! Craig!
โ†“
24ed4672-c2c1-4027-b8a1-61ba4dfae7a8.gif
Kit, is that you?
โ†“
cf730080-4f83-4f64-9280-2fb81a950865.gif
Just help me back on my hog.
โ†“
cf2aad52-7abf-4a3d-a2c1-390f79a4c5c0.gif
I'll be fine.
โ†“
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Thanks. I'm good to go.
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Oh, Craig, don't be ridiculous.
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You're not going anywhere.
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Why? Do you need somebody
โ†“
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to paint your lawn or mow your house?
โ†“
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Look, Craig, Malcolm told me about that.
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I admit I take you for granted sometimes,
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I apologize for that,
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but we can talk about that later.
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You have to come back.
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I can't.
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Why? Craig, come on.
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Aren't you interested at all to see how my mom punishes me?
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- No. - Why not?
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Because for the last 12 years, I've dedicated my life
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to a relationship that can't exist.
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I can't go back to that.
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Craig, what do you want from me?!
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I want more!
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I'm sorry. I can't give you more.
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You know that.
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There's got to be something.
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There's got to be some scenario
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where you could see us together. Please?!
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Anything!
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Okay, this is the only universe this could possibly exist in.
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I'm 90 years old.
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Hal is dead.
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I have dementia and I need someone to keep me
โ†“
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from catching myself on fire.
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There's no money for a nurse,
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the kids won't do it, and I'm asleep 22 hours a day.
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Then and only then maybe could we be together.
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It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.
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Six, seven, eight.
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I win!
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Oh, wow.
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I got to tell you, Dad,
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I really thought this was just going to be
โ†“
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another one of your stupid, useless lessons
โ†“
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like the time you made us nurse
โ†“
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that rabid squirrel back to health.
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But this one really worked.
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I can't believe it,
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but I really learned some valuable things about life
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and about how the world really works.
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Thank you.
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That's loser talk!
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What?
โ†“
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I am living in Successful Estates
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while you are being buried in a piano box!
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In your face, drug addict!
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Hotcha! I won!
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I won! Oh, yes, indeed, I won!
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Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
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I won, I won, I won!