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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S06E22 — Mrs Tri-County

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 6, Episode 22 — Mrs Tri-County

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Episode title: Mrs. Tri-County
Air date: May 15, 2005
Director: David D'Ovidio
Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson
Unbeknownst to Lois, the boys enter her in the Mrs. Tri-County Pageant as a joke. When they overhear the other contestants remarking that Lois doesn't have a chance of winning, they plot to help their mother take the crown. Meanwhile, Malcolm is blackmailed into delivering love notes to a contestant for Herkabe, and Reese discovers that, according to the Mrs. Tri-County Pageant manual's scientific formula, he is beautiful.
Source: TMDB
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Oh, geez...
geez
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Oh... hey, can one of you boys give me a hand?
boyshand
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- What do you need? - Just hold this steady.
steady
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Thanks, Malcolm.
malcolmthanks
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I'm glad it's you.
glad
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Whenever Reese helps,
helpsreese
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he always seems to hurt himself.
hurtseems
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All right, ladies, sign in.
ladiessign
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You'll get your schedules,
schedules
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your parking permits,
parking
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and your dressing area assignment.
areaassignmentdressing
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Also, make sure that you get back here by 3:00 sharp
sharp
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for a group photo with the state's largest pumpkin.
grouplargestphotopumpkinstates
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Look at all these old broads trying to look hot.
broads
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I mean, don't know they know we're done with them?
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Donna? Donna, is that you?
donnadonna-donna
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Lois!
lois
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I haven't seen you since Miss Teen Gas and Power.
misspowerseenteen
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What a memory you have.
memory
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Was that the time when the judges
judges
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carried me around on their shoulders?
carriedshoulders
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Darlene, Jeanie, Anne. Look who's here.
annedarlenejeanie
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Hi.
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Look at all of you.
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I can't believe you're still doing pageants.
believepageants
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Well, I actually quit a few years back.
quityears
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It was time to get to know my kids a little better.
kids
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But then September 11th happened, and...
happenedseptember
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We just can't let them win.
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So where's your sister?
sister
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Uh, Susan isn't here.
susan
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I'm entering this myself.
entering
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Oh.
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- I love stuff like that. - Don't feel bad.
lovestuff
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The rest of us don't have a chance either.
chancerest
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Donna somehow got Nina Perucci to coach her.
coachdonnanina
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Nina Perucci!
nina
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How did you manage that?
manage
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Well, Max got a nice bonus for Christmas,
bonuschristmas
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and let's just say I had a yeast infection
infectionyeast
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until he wrote the check.
checkwrote
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Is that your chin?
chin
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- No, Nina. - Is that your smile?
ninasmile
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- No, Nina. - Is that your bust?
bustnina
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No, Nina.
nina
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Ugh!
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- Oh, she's... - She's amazing.
amazing
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She pioneered the use of backstage laxatives.
backstagelaxatives
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Lois, if we don't sign up right now,
loissign
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we're going to get a dressing area without a hook.
areadressinghook
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Is that what you want?
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Bye.
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Well, I think we know who's winning Mrs. Deluded.
winning
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Oh, Donna...
donna
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I didn't think it was possible,
possible
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but the Mrs. Tri-County Pageant
countypageant
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is about to get even uglier.
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I made the appointment
appointment
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for your facial tomorrow.
facialtomorrow
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954f067e-822f-4fae-b8a6-6727e0635566.gif
I don't want to pick out jewelry
jewelrypick
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until after we choose the gown.
choosegown
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Now, the red one is nice.
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It's tasteful. It really sets off your hair.
hairsetstasteful
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But the blue one has a nicer drape
bluenicer
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and you cannot beat its "wow" factor.
beatcannotfactor
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You know what?
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Let me worry about that.
worry
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You can concentrate on your talent.
concentratetalent
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I don't know, Hal.
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I'm not even sure you can call it a talent.
talent
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What are you talking about?
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It is going to be great.
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That's why I blocked out the next three hours
blockedhoursthreethree-hours
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for you to work with Dewey.
dewey
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e995f4e1-ccd2-4a0b-a1ff-7d803c88ca92.gif
Dad, I have homework!
homework
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Oh, just buy it from the guy Reese buys his from.
buysreese
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b843e93d-2603-4881-ad61-490d7388e402.gif
Okay, ladies, I know
ladies
↓
d6971496-efae-42ff-9a85-a60a055ac7ab.gif
you've all done it a million times before,
millionmillion-timestimes
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ab77028a-0039-48f9-963a-85f90edd6504.gif
but let's just walk through it once anyway.
walk
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Blue line ladies, cross over the red mark.
bluecrossladieslinemark
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Green line, cross over the yellow mark.
crossgreenlineline-crossmarkyellow
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Blue line, stop at the orange mark,
bluelinemarkorange
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8690b03d-cde2-4ba7-9790-c1a2c362080a.gif
step left and cross to the green line.
crossgreenleftlinestep
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Green line, stop to the black mark.
blackgreenlinemark
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- Ooh! - Step right and cross to the...
crossstep
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green line.
greenline
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Malcolm! I need you to do a job for me.
malcolm
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It's urgent. I've been exchanging
urgent
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some very meaningful glances with one of the contestants.
contestantsmeaningful
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You know they're all married, don't you?
married
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Yes, of course.
course
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And that's why it would be indecent of me
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not to be discreet.
discreet
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Darlene Fisher.
darlenefisher
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Green sweat suit.
greensuitsweat
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Changes...
changes
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cab52e95-f860-4053-9cb9-c57c623db39a.gif
I need you to pass her this note for me.
notepass
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You want me to find out if she likes you?
likes
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Forget it.
forget
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I respect your stand, Malcolm,
malcolmrespectstand
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and I want you to know this will in no way
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affect my judging of your mother.
affectjudgingmother
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Or will it?
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Good, Marsha.
marsha
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Cross over.
cross
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9289f924-d318-4431-a95d-ec0858e79740.gif
Okay, you're next.
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Now, no matter what question
matterquestion
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they ask you, remember to use your key phrases:
phrasesremember
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ab535b10-8695-46b8-960e-98dd9646ba81.gif
"empowering women, the beauty within,
beautywomen
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helping those in need."
helping
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And don't forget, end with, "May God bless America."
americablessbless-americaforget
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Right, right, and when do I say the stuff
stuff
↓
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about world peace?
peaceworld
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No, no, no, no, no, we got rid of that.
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You don't want to come off like a liberal nut case.
caseliberal
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Yes, I am a mother,
mother
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but I also have to remember that I'm a woman.
rememberwoman
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A woman who's not afraid to give
afraidwoman
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because it feels so good.
feels
↓
e46e9726-cdd7-4947-8253-02610fd6063a.gif
Thank you.
↓
8a69362d-78aa-4c1c-8b54-658596c30ade.gif
Okay, Lois...
lois
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here's your question, if you're ready:
questionready
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"How has motherhood kept you young?"
young
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Good question.
question
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bad551b9-f0c1-4881-95b8-43343fab09f1.gif
Wish I'd thought of that.
wish
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I'm sorry, but I have a problem with the question.
problemquestion
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Motherhood definitely does a lot of things,
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but the one thing it does not do is keep you young.
young
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Oh, my God, it ages you horribly.
ageshorribly
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Youth is about having choices,
choiceshavingyouth
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but once you're a mother, you have no choices.
choicesmother
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You're stuck loving your children.
childrenlovingstuck
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You get gray hair loving them.
grayhairloving
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You lose sleep loving them.
loselovingsleep
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You lose out on all those other things
lose
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that you always thought you'd do.
↓
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But even with all of that,
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the amazing thing is,
amazing
↓
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you're okay with it.
↓
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It's like some wonderful...
↓
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curse.
curse
↓
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That was amazing.
amazing
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fc58b030-75a3-47a2-8fd4-99783c166ca1.gif
I don't know where you came up with that crap,
↓
99a1a3f9-87b6-400e-8fe2-2d2c10887cdb.gif
but you nailed it.
nailed
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Listen up...
↓
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Okay, Donna, here we go.
donna
↓
aa4a2872-b586-43c0-b2ee-2c4c20e25d1d.gif
"What aspect of being a woman do you find most fulfilling?"
aspectwoman
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What kind of stupid question is that?
questionstupid
↓
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Excuse me?
excuse
↓
d756276f-276d-483f-b29c-b13172fbd0d5.gif
I don't mean that you're stupid.
stupid
↓
a9c26759-42e3-4b3b-a336-95b778a73280.gif
I... the question is...
question
↓
1a14624a-62fc-4ce9-8354-a495f852967a.gif
I mean...
↓
dbacec41-da0c-4005-bc3a-7ae92bbabdc6.gif
I'm not fulfilled.
↓
bbbf425b-23b7-4427-839f-f04ae06dcd6a.gif
It's awful being a woman, right?
awfulwoman
↓
ae8837c9-6ee4-4e95-864b-407caf5be82b.gif
Right?
↓
17d20bff-c341-4419-be15-ec020cb36b85.gif
I'm cursed with children, too.
childrencursed
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992c6e79-10ed-40bc-afa0-029caf72b21d.gif
I never wanted to have kids.
kidswanted
↓
e31c1878-7e8b-485f-898e-5408faf6ff7a.gif
I just wanted to...
wanted
↓
15e29a3f-91e1-4c37-92ff-da54a78556f2.gif
But I do... love America.
americalovelove-america
↓
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How 'bout our country, huh?
boutcountry
↓
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Did you see that?
↓
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She went up like the Hindenburg.
↓
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Wow, I guess I'm really doing okay.
↓
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So you gonna keep wasting time high-fiving yourself,
fivingwasting
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or are we going to get back to work?
↓
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That's good.
↓
13e20046-dc94-4f8b-9466-6f8d41cae0dd.gif
Okay, honey, that was pretty good.
honey
↓
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Unfortunately, there are three counties
threeunfortunately
↓
c9087efc-fbe0-461f-9524-d6cad3238e8e.gif
full of women who are "pretty good."
fullwomen
↓
027f7bda-3b89-467f-bab0-8dda137d8803.gif
We need a winner!
winner
↓
18849f68-d112-47be-8eb3-b5078cd7f516.gif
I think this would be going so much better
↓
2f6acde3-0763-4e82-be62-471273572f27.gif
if I could sing, or dance, or play a musical instrument.
danceinstrumentmusicalsing
↓
c5b8757b-9c27-4501-a8a0-a82b6564805e.gif
We'll get to you, Lois.
lois
↓
f072e62c-863e-4522-86ef-a481764439db.gif
Right now, Dewey's our problem.
deweysproblem
↓
af664137-e3c3-4738-bc09-f5319a8ac629.gif
Now, son, I don't know anything about music,
music
↓
93e47e41-b7e4-439b-bd0c-7dbb18dc2546.gif
but this is how you should be playing it.
playing
↓
2711664c-3c60-423c-9e05-c7872bf9ab5e.gif
Now, in the middle part, you're doing
middlepart
↓
3f91af33-03a5-4424-9f77-85433a4e50a8.gif
♪ Dee-dum-dee-dum- dee-dum-dee-dum... ♪
↓
9c26b8df-e00c-4e33-a044-851d6586901e.gif
And I want to hear more of...
↓
433ef63d-de9d-44c6-9605-7d3dfe85a599.gif
♪ Wop-dee-dee-dee, wop-dee-dee-dee ♪
↓
0f74c863-47ba-4327-8aa8-21a7e6a49d82.gif
♪ Wop-dee-dee-dee-wop! ♪
↓
4fb6775a-a731-4465-bce9-fa427bffa36b.gif
That's never gonna happen.
happen
↓
689250dd-131d-4daa-889f-f1cb35217e71.gif
You know, I really don't need this from you right now.
↓
c8951e50-437a-4b56-a287-4b998d69553f.gif
We've got one day to get the dress ready,
dressready
↓
5a412610-12b5-4f0b-8875-0133fa2dfca9.gif
our shoes aren't dyed, and we have no idea
ideashoes
↓
6e182665-fc1b-431e-a66a-dda76b2c35ed.gif
where we're going with our hair!
hair
↓
f0be4d17-cdc3-4425-9e6c-18d9f513aad0.gif
Hal, calm down. What's happening?
calm
↓
a5494a94-5b3d-4f88-bd8a-2b64e09cdfae.gif
I thought this was supposed to be fun.
funsupposed
↓
e9a292db-83f4-4750-a783-2da4b36fb746.gif
It is. See?
↓
d2882c2a-d336-4c32-821d-ff2abe044408.gif
Mom had better win this thing.
↓
c8bfe88a-7582-4d58-93c3-5a4b5b442b92.gif
I'm getting to know way too much
↓
069e4eb0-e38c-477d-9555-e189a7b1b630.gif
about Herkabe's love life. Have you got anything yet?
lifelovelove-life
↓
e5853d54-a405-4fc3-b61e-be1802addd7f.gif
This judges' manual is unbelievable.
judgesmanualunbelievable
↓
b8c06365-081d-44bc-8583-da8639669e00.gif
It's over 200 pages of these really specific rules
pagesrulesspecific
↓
95cf7664-641f-4610-b724-ca0f579161c2.gif
on what's attractive and what isn't.
attractive
↓
0ea95abf-6ea8-4b4a-b7e8-fe40082b9d82.gif
There's a whole page on ankle symmetry.
anklepagewhole
↓
bff41099-5e20-4275-9738-17558bad7d46.gif
- And you know what I learned? - What?
learned
↓
718ada71-3a42-4b24-9fbe-425320957b6d.gif
I'm beautiful.
↓
ff3d0354-10d2-4987-a171-45a228a1bf02.gif
What are you talking about?
↓
5fc9485f-9ec6-4198-9e33-1aab00551730.gif
Everything on my face is the absolute standard of perfection.
absolutefaceperfectionstandard
↓
0ef63217-d83c-4111-9463-b0d01a7277f3.gif
My lips are exactly twice the length
lengthlipstwice
↓
8c736fb0-4439-4729-be09-a1076bc4c8d0.gif
of the distance between my eyes.
distanceeyes
↓
9b100e9f-b677-4bae-876f-d7a30c8a7209.gif
My philtrum is gracefully tapered.
↓
11c7c6e4-a473-405f-ac28-8a4cb9b9fe08.gif
My earlobe is the perfect
perfect
↓
710d8fee-6b9c-4cd4-b410-cafca163d4c2.gif
1.4 centimeters.
↓
7e3f71ea-a090-44a7-a95c-e71c42ef4ce5.gif
And it just goes on and on.
↓
d7877197-0071-4c18-b693-2490ffdd26d6.gif
You can measure me if you don't believe it.
believemeasure
↓
c6bb7ada-d3ec-44dc-be2d-b29176c3e076.gif
Are you going to help Mom or not?
↓
acd42839-d71c-4927-b52a-dd3ee7fe3889.gif
I understand your anger, Malcolm.
angermalcolm
↓
54d1ad24-73ca-4a67-a2ac-c7bb9dbd7fec.gif
Unattractive people can become very threatened by this.
becomethreatenedunattractive
↓
39308218-9254-4bb1-8eb8-28178970b74b.gif
It's probably why I have so few friends.
friends
↓
306ec2ab-f520-4ee1-8bf0-ec7123dde04b.gif
Malcolm!
malcolm
↓
c832c6a5-a151-48cb-a701-765e5f5413fd.gif
I need a favor.
favor
↓
fd81c120-ffaf-4e3f-85de-415d6653dd6b.gif
I already did you a favor with Darlene.
darlenefavor
↓
11b509b2-18ac-4473-be80-35335c5c0cae.gif
Which worked out spectacularly.
worked
↓
0627ae41-0be7-4673-9cc1-21ebd5f298c5.gif
And athletically.
↓
ac3e092a-20a6-42df-a7f2-361474b2538e.gif
And repeatedly.
repeatedly
↓
bda08e68-5c6d-41d9-ae77-9b077b902db0.gif
What else do you want?
↓
7c75d71d-25be-4bb5-9906-2cb8b1dfd725.gif
I need you to break up with her.
break
↓
7d8ae048-b496-48d1-b3d8-cac67674e1e2.gif
- What? - She's gotten so clingy
gotten
↓
7865eeb8-7c91-4098-a04f-b7a4f8a546fc.gif
and dependent.
dependent
↓
19d05d24-b0d0-4e59-8d5d-ab44c7e33451.gif
She's suffocating me. Feel free to judge me,
freejudge
↓
9c24fb40-e1b0-4f71-a13f-f10cb1f318f4.gif
but remember who's judging your mother.
judgingmotherremember
↓
bd3f505e-52c2-4268-8c62-a55bcd6a3098.gif
Give her this note.
note
↓
1a859418-170e-44d4-a1ec-4e8bd63a1c8a.gif
At first I toyed with the idea
idea
↓
9af2b663-0cdd-4916-bb8b-d97c1f1c50d7.gif
of lying to her, but then I decided
decidedlying
↓
cb361ff6-f5eb-4fbc-b91b-cee4695a7e48.gif
to tell her honestly I find her repellent.
repellent
↓
e784ed29-031d-4096-848d-c40aa1138e9f.gif
It's better to be classy.
classy
↓
8699b87d-3335-4716-aa92-460f7ceae675.gif
Malcolm! Find your brother and get back here.
brothermalcolm
↓
938954e0-31ad-425b-9e61-e7095d3c93e3.gif
The judges need to see all of us
judges
↓
46b29332-cccd-410c-bbea-c2a2da05661e.gif
gazing adoringly up at your mother.
mother
↓
b07b84ab-408c-4474-9164-3af85f903775.gif
Those Hendersons are making us look like chimps.
chimps
↓
37502599-a83d-4484-8326-06bae860a0e4.gif
Psst!
psst
↓
a0532797-7c36-4468-9238-1cd90ae9cb15.gif
His smile is fading.
fadingsmile
↓
afb0a47a-2caa-4de9-a29a-af2a6d15448f.gif
Give him another hit.
another
↓
984bbb2e-1ed2-418e-bad7-7b820f78cc01.gif
I don't know how you do this.
↓
91d52937-4674-4dc9-a19f-e41170f44413.gif
I've never felt such butterflies
butterflies
↓
276493a6-c5c4-4ecc-b041-b35fe2a3fa14.gif
in my entire life.
entireentire-lifelife
↓
7bb6f37a-b44e-48d4-bcea-b3bc402ecede.gif
Good luck, everybody.
everybodyluck
↓
9238669a-14ae-4e2f-97af-44452ebe5e6d.gif
Oh...
↓
1a898961-a11e-4a16-b3b9-5e59ecffe9b1.gif
Your mascara is clumping!
↓
c376c96d-d711-4601-8376-a53869f3ed35.gif
What did I tell you about blinking?!
blinking
↓
ade0f439-7ace-4531-92ae-455c28d1eb88.gif
What is it?!
↓
15b13137-92b8-4091-886a-4703a32b8d65.gif
I know.
↓
7719b965-1d85-4caf-95cf-a0db60332f3b.gif
Ladies and gentlemen,
gentlemenladies
↓
83a9d008-fe43-4503-8ba8-e22090f76f6a.gif
welcome to the Mrs. Tri-County Pageant.
countypageantwelcome
↓
e0d8528c-e1ff-4e5c-b5be-6842201070a5.gif
Here's your host,
host
↓
90f8f302-e99c-45ff-b7ce-2be7bd0fec66.gif
Channel Two's acclaimed meteorologist,
channeltwos
↓
c8991dbb-c764-4a04-8c36-e9b999e5c456.gif
Dr. Dave Nelson.
davenelson
↓
03869a9e-152e-446c-b320-8879284b295c.gif
♪ Hey there, Mrs. Tri-County ♪
county
↓
1013f826-2077-438e-920b-b675be19cfcb.gif
♪ A lady from head to toe ♪
headlady
↓
3745e47e-e608-486b-837a-93327b92a676.gif
♪ A nurse, a maid, a teacher, and a hottie ♪
hottiemaidnurseteacher
↓
4e1fc443-37d8-4f19-860a-b754becfdc2e.gif
♪ All wrapped up ♪
wrapped
↓
60284484-a46e-44ae-9dcc-dc23e1a22f8f.gif
♪ In a bow ♪
↓
02794ab7-1649-4b3f-8d01-ab0c7c7fbe96.gif
♪ It's time to sparkle and start the show ♪
sparklestart
↓
5a77fb19-913c-45f7-8dd7-faf760ccbc0e.gif
♪ So come on and take a bow ♪
↓
89b43c77-8b45-4537-a2f7-398d649a16d9.gif
♪ America needs you like never before ♪
americaamerica-needsneeds
↓
4681769e-0548-4155-bdf3-542644aed153.gif
♪ And "mom" is just an upside down "wow!" ♪
upside
↓
ba7c4fee-5a42-4e1b-8341-ac1ec460f67c.gif
Oh...
↓
4d5f3b3b-516f-4cdb-941e-1fdc2ea654ba.gif
♪ Hey there, Mrs. Tri-County ♪
county
↓
d45a4af8-3bfb-4cec-a8e7-ecd929edc417.gif
I lost a pin?
lost
↓
23cd2357-c688-42d6-839b-eba970c217cc.gif
Oh! I lost a pin!
lost
↓
1716cf8c-516c-486f-bec8-2773850684fb.gif
Oh, this isn't happening!
↓
4ee3a347-7658-4462-b43a-46431e712bc9.gif
Hold on.
↓
8fc9dc5b-f59d-49d2-a1ee-c261e7d01dea.gif
Wait, wait, what are you doing?
↓
450d8c94-9cb7-4391-9297-33528a676051.gif
Now your hair's ruined.
hairsruined
↓
d8b6979e-ea59-4117-8ba8-0a9a689be770.gif
So, we'll both be a little off.
↓
298a3b00-6854-40f6-94da-dc3598f73b59.gif
Come on, everybody, let's go!
everybody
↓
0cb202e2-6dfc-44cf-92cf-2ca9f61fee5f.gif
...and please step forward...
forwardstepstep-forward
↓
54ac7113-95b9-4da6-a709-ddbe8165bfbe.gif
Charlotte!
charlotte
↓
bb8764ed-6220-403c-baff-e8c8dc5843c1.gif
Oh!
↓
5d2fdcbc-9ba7-47e0-ac33-be579eafd42c.gif
Ladies and gentlemen,
gentlemenladies
↓
c971f73f-b4f1-42ab-9b74-eb5226820e94.gif
the judges have unanimously decided
decidedjudges
↓
a1b3e815-14af-46a4-9d38-2c279c13956e.gif
that these five women will...
fivewomen
↓
1a20fce3-8c70-4fea-a221-48b697479318.gif
not be going to the next round!
round
↓
5d202fca-a00d-48ed-9013-7cd0bb5ac511.gif
And you ladies are!
ladies
↓
a5fbefaf-e72b-4d43-9c11-436df9855fa2.gif
Ha!
↓
0e5f1620-ab9c-44e1-bf3e-e2616f7f2cb8.gif
We're going to take a short
short
↓
43d20cd3-013e-4984-93b2-2db3ffd59458.gif
break now so our lucky five
breakfivelucky
↓
be511eaa-66aa-4555-8290-6144ba7fa866.gif
can get ready for the Glamour Parade!
glamourparadeready
↓
abb25c17-2d96-4023-b6bf-ac400f52c71e.gif
Malcolm! Come here. Malcolm.
malcolm
↓
b1c98bba-ff32-4296-adba-e484c7ec5057.gif
Reese, what are you doing?
reese
↓
a088e14b-d41d-46e2-aefd-16aae06c1a70.gif
Dad's been looking all over for you.
dadslooking
↓
171bd908-6201-4c50-8792-703f2f6737a0.gif
I'm leaving, Malcolm.
leavingmalcolm
↓
fdf07784-5224-49f7-b55c-68f957b168a4.gif
I'm claiming my birthright.
claiming
↓
692ce38b-c931-45a2-85ff-e8be0ec0e77c.gif
- What? - I'm about to become a star,
becomestar
↓
e10f4daf-33f4-49d4-8a27-d3e6a22dae2b.gif
and from what I understand, I have to ruthlessly
↓
27c60c73-15e8-48e2-bb3a-07bd81e0ca5b.gif
separate myself from you pathetic hangers-on,
patheticseparate
↓
7b4e4092-3de7-4e72-9851-c4f31cf16e70.gif
and probably eventually sue your asses.
asseseventually
↓
546df80d-1e43-4e18-a6ba-3a94c77f15cc.gif
Take care, Malcolm.
caremalcolm
↓
9bc3bb76-3bd6-4170-9c60-c8b9e0c00a03.gif
I'll see you in court.
court
↓
7b747f4d-4262-4ce8-a55e-1455dbe5cf68.gif
Well, it may be
↓
9ff06a80-f3d4-401a-97d6-8fd418cc9cd8.gif
70 degrees outside,
degrees
↓
7417f8d9-2e5a-42b3-83ef-d2d9830ae65b.gif
with a 20% chance of rain...
chancerain
↓
c5fbda59-e83f-4632-82b9-161477765a78.gif
...but it's about to get a lot hotter in here.
hotter
↓
0f81c2a3-3325-413a-a2c2-63ff7d904227.gif
- In just a... - Where's Jeanie?
jeanie
↓
1dbf20b0-557c-4979-a13c-4c511aa78317.gif
We were all going to wear tiaras for Glamour Parade, and...
glamourparadewear
↓
fdc52d14-1e5c-4ca7-88dc-de7d4e6eac72.gif
...we're all going to wear tiaras.
wear
↓
2a964c24-9857-4751-ae25-0dd8a068c0a8.gif
Thank you, Jeanie.
jeanie
↓
be0bbca6-9a97-4663-b5dc-975745894c94.gif
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
gentlemenladies
↓
a5184d2a-56bf-46f7-bf4b-bfc561420cae.gif
Thank all of you.
↓
ae5765f2-1190-4431-bf83-24dd0b233092.gif
...prepare to drift away on a barge of elegance as we present
bargedriftpreparepresent
↓
3b8cf2cf-1a1b-4bcc-b535-dd2beeb9ba6e.gif
the Mrs. Tri-County Glamour Parade.
countyglamourparade
↓
a5b29aa0-9ff3-4405-84b9-d9ab8859bea5.gif
Ahem.
ahem
↓
422d1fd8-541d-42d4-a2b0-755456b86d39.gif
What's wrong? What happened?
happened
↓
b9a2a969-7193-4370-8d7d-95178f57782a.gif
Usually, we let the judges decide
decidejudgesusually
↓
af7bed78-419c-418a-bf2a-e1f8655cf40a.gif
who gets to wear the tiara.
wear
↓
59cecac0-029d-445b-a463-f143d98b81c0.gif
Ladies and gentlemen, please, remain calm.
calmgentlemenladiesremainremain-calm
↓
502914ac-4895-4d4c-a578-d8ab70955112.gif
There's no reason to panic.
panicreason
↓
cc8fd8e7-cbee-49f2-a361-a9d3787fb42e.gif
Okay, I'm ready.
ready
↓
ea0c7f26-6c5c-4643-9b25-3b06382df23f.gif
For what?
↓
1f7bb974-5f60-44b0-84a1-539dcf6c63b9.gif
Whatever it is you do with beautiful people.
↓
6c6ec31c-2dc6-4ea8-9cc1-d696874d711f.gif
I'll give you 20% and not a penny more.
penny
↓
995718fc-0e2f-4824-94d1-88ed36d94497.gif
You may have to travel because
travel
↓
2eeacce0-ab8b-49d6-9df1-c52e65533b12.gif
I'm going to have a house in Miami, Milan,
housemiami
↓
d6573244-9240-42f5-832e-293913ba407d.gif
and that Disneyworld in France.
france
↓
4804e469-5848-4e74-9cbb-3e594103517e.gif
You're welcome to fly my private jet,
privatewelcome
↓
9476c12d-77e6-447f-9330-c822cea9fa31.gif
but I want you to keep it real.
real
↓
407787df-ecc6-4e18-a6ba-d0334da4eb2e.gif
I'd also like a falcon.
falcon
↓
8ede06c8-993a-44ed-acfa-86a3f11ee767.gif
What are you talking about?
↓
dc13ce29-da20-4834-9619-1207349d1a28.gif
I can't do anything with you.
↓
541ae8db-a5e0-4606-9c26-22adca3e9b9c.gif
What? Why not? I've read the book,
bookread
↓
cb6eb3be-a009-4e85-ae05-672a848dc673.gif
I measured everything. I'm perfect!
perfect
↓
5a2802ff-d877-4e7a-b980-2c64fbe466d5.gif
It's true, you do have the perfect features
featuresperfect
↓
32d1d97f-dd30-4794-a69a-6e80951ce947.gif
for a middle-aged woman.
agedmiddlemiddle-agedwoman
↓
8c77a35e-f03f-4d01-bb20-20eab737332d.gif
If you want to, have a sex change,
change
↓
7e7f91de-6e55-4b0e-821b-7acbf366a055.gif
come back in 20 years, and we'll talk.
years
↓
f57f72d0-d9b5-484f-8475-a11bee7b04f5.gif
Ugh.
↓
88818db9-7746-467c-a868-ed43988fc556.gif
No, please!
↓
ee178c49-8058-40f8-b12c-9832ec6d4c60.gif
This can't be how it ends.
ends
↓
c7f9a0fe-206d-4e1c-a136-2013729a4f5c.gif
I'm supposed to have three rocky marriages
rockysupposedthree
↓
491a66ed-0bc9-4ef1-9f01-1fa1c690a0da.gif
and die in a hotel fire!
firehotel
↓
e6d0815c-422a-4cd1-b0b6-519aaa215a74.gif
Don't send me home!
homesend
↓
44b89bb9-ad94-471f-9c56-5211b2ec795d.gif
I'm too perfect to live like a person!
liveperfectperson
↓
facdcda9-39fb-4857-b0e0-ff877897861c.gif
Okay, people reacted badly
badly
↓
75131677-717c-42f7-ad68-c7a46be711f2.gif
to the crown thing, so you gotta nail the talent portion.
crownnailtalent
↓
f5b24e45-9b0c-48ac-9fd8-b73f4ba62120.gif
Now, I know you think it isn't a talent,
talent
↓
776a004b-27b7-4e77-8b9d-a61edb6caab7.gif
but if you commit,
commit
↓
211bef23-07ec-4c53-a865-3b09a06d8315.gif
we can make those oversized Barbies
oversized
↓
0fa58edf-1c57-4687-a5d6-c9c755ddd96c.gif
choke on their own batons.
choke
↓
7290eda3-e7cf-4288-a2c9-4bf9dbf8e206.gif
What are you doing?
↓
77b00562-029d-4389-aecd-64870058ec67.gif
Where's your top hat and fishnet thigh-highs?
fishnetthigh
↓
b8db1114-5365-49db-a712-25b35b25343e.gif
Just get the car and the kids, Hal,
kids
↓
ee185f23-4350-4cf5-b839-9fc587202ba2.gif
and let's slink out of here.
slink
↓
22fe48f3-8eb3-48d6-8ec3-fd5084655f12.gif
Wait, you can't just walk away.
walk
↓
e2ea3a4c-d302-48b3-881d-bb78b27964e9.gif
Oh, yes, I can.
↓
3e6f20c5-f2fd-4692-b526-1884e240e757.gif
This whole thing has been a disaster.
disasterwhole
↓
a081df53-d4c2-42c1-ba29-26f60e3c6c39.gif
I don't belong here.
belong
↓
6bcb1e97-8f76-4124-9808-59328766618c.gif
And I hate the way those women make me feel.
hatewomen
↓
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Come on, they're just a bunch of bitter hags.
bitterbunch
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And I hate the way you've been making me feel.
hate
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We may have our ups and downs, Hal,
downs
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but this is the first time I ever felt
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like I wasn't good enough for you.
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You're right.
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I'm sorry.
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I mean, I know you're perfect,
perfect
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and for once, I wanted the whole world to know it.
wantedwholewhole-worldworld
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Well, that's a nice idea, but that isn't going to happen.
happenidea
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I don't know why I ever thought
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I could compete with these women.
competewomen
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Hal, I can't handle them. I'm out of my league here.
handleleague
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What are you talking about?
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Do you know why those broads pulled that stunt?
broadspulledstunt
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They're afraid of you, Lois.
afraidlois
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Right now, you are surrounded
surrounded
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by a bunch of idiots who fear you.
bunchfearidiots
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You're not out of your league.
league
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You're at home.
home
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Lois, where have you been?
lois
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Come on, let's go. You're up.
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You've got to go!
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Whining isn't going to make me go any faster.
fasterwhining
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Yes!
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And now our third contestant,
contestantthird
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Lois, will be accompanied by her lovely daughter,
accompanieddaughterloislovely
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Dewey.
dewey
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It's Mommy.
mommy
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Whoo!
whoo
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Brilliant!
brilliant
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Would the new Mrs. Tri-County
county
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like another scoop of fudge ripple?
anotherfudgescoop
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Well, this sash still has a couple of inches of slack.
coupleinchesslack
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Keep it coming.
coming
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This is so nice.
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Look at this.
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A $40 coupon for new tires,
coupontires
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a box of steaks, a label maker!
labelmakersteaks
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Oh, this is nice.
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I wish Reese wasn't too busy sulking to enjoy it with us.
busyenjoyreesewish
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Give him a little time.
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Reese, you're the best!
bestreese