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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S06E12 — Living Will

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 6, Episode 12 — Living Will

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Malcolm in the Middle

Episode title: Living Will

Air date: March 06, 2005

Director: Steve Love

Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson

Hal is named executor of his neighbor's living will and must decide whether to keep him on life support or pull the plug. In attempting to make the decision, Hal discovers he is incapable of making decisions on his own because he always defers to Lois. Meanwhile, Craig asks Malcolm, Reese and Dewey to teach him how to fight dirty since a bully from his childhood is coming to town.

Source: TMDB

↓

Wow, I remember this, this is Reese's fifth birthday.

birthday fifth reeses remember

↓

This must be Christmas the same year.

christmas must

↓

He grew up so fast.

fast grew

↓

He sure did.

↓

Here's Malcolm's first day at school.

malcolms school

↓

Oh...

↓

Remember when we lost Dewey at the flea market.

dewey flea lost market remember

↓

Still keeps great time.

keeps

↓

You want to go through the arrest reports?

arrest reports

↓

I'll pour some more wine.

pour wine

↓

Hal, do you want Raisin Bran or oatmeal?

bran oatmeal raisin raisin-bran

↓

Oatmeal. No, wait-- Raisin Bran.

bran oatmeal raisin raisin-bran

↓

No, no--

↓

oatmeal.

oatmeal

↓

But sometimes you get too many raisins.

raisins sometimes

↓

You don't have that problem with oatmeal.

oatmeal problem

↓

Oh, but oatmeal can be lumpy.

lumpy oatmeal

↓

Raisin Bran... no, eggs!

bran eggs raisin raisin-bran

↓

You're having Raisin Bran.

bran having raisin raisin-bran

↓

- Oh, God, thank you. - Hal, I don't know why

↓

you have such a hard time making decisions.

decisions hard

↓

Hal, sweetie,

sweetie

↓

you have to decide. For your birthday,

birthday decide

↓

do you want a petting zoo or a clown?

clown petting

↓

Both?

↓

Who knows? Probably no reason.

knows reason

↓

You might as well ask me why I'm afraid of clowns and snakes.

afraid clowns might snakes

↓

Morning, everybody.

everybody morning morning-everybody

↓

Hey, Craig. Thanks for offering me

craig offering thanks

↓

I think I'll just drop in and say an innocent hello.

drop innocent

↓

Okay, that was just a cover.

cover

↓

I didn't want to alarm your parents.

alarm parents

↓

What's going on?

↓

Why are you asking us?

asking

↓

Because this guy's stronger and faster than me.

faster stronger

↓

Please, you've got to teach me everything you know.

teach

↓

I don't think that's such a great idea.

idea

↓

and sooner or later, I'm in a fair fight.

fair fight sooner

↓

Sorry, Craig.

craig

↓

What am I supposed to do?

supposed

↓

I came to you guys asking for help

asking

↓

because that's what I thought friends do for their friends.

friends

↓

Dude, calm down.

calm

↓

I thought we meant something to each other.

meant

↓

I mean, after all these years,

years

↓

after everything I've done for you...

↓

Craig, stop it.

craig

↓

I can't help it.

↓

I guess we can teach you a few moves. Just stop crying.

crying moves teach

↓

Really?

↓

I mean, you're not just saying that?

↓

You'll teach me how to fight dirty?

dirty fight teach

↓

And you need to know

↓

You hug me,

↓

and the lesson starts right now.

lesson starts

↓

Hi, I'm Peter Rubin from Bernstein,

peter

↓

Wyatt and McCormick. Are you Hal?

mccormick

↓

Look, I'll tell you what I tell all the other lawyers.

lawyers

↓

Look around.

↓

This skeleton has been picked clean.

clean picked skeleton

↓

But go ahead, sue away.

ahead go-ahead

↓

Actually, that's not why I'm here.

↓

I'll leave you a copy of the will

copy

↓

power of attorney.

attorney power

↓

The family on the corner with the boat on the lawn?

boat corner family lawn

↓

I barely even knew the man.

barely

↓

Why would he give me power of attorney?

attorney power

↓

So I'm the one that has to decide

decide

↓

how all his stuff gets divided?

divided stuff

↓

What? No.

↓

- Oh, thank God. - No, he's not dead.

dead

↓

He's in a coma on life support.

coma life life-support support

↓

You have to decide whether or not to pull the plug.

decide decide-whether plug pull whether

↓

What am I going to do?

↓

A man's life is in my hands.

hands life mans mans-life

↓

This isn't paper or plastic.

paper plastic

↓

This is life or death.

death life

↓

There's nothing more life or death

death life

↓

than life or death.

death life

↓

Hal, calm down. Panicking isn't going to help.

calm panicking

↓

You know, this is all your fault.

fault

↓

- What?! - I am completely unprepared for this.

completely

↓

I've had no practice.

practice

↓

I haven't made a decision around here in years.

decision years

↓

When exactly did it get to the point

point

↓

where you make all the decisions in our marriage?

decisions marriage

↓

When you said, "Lois, I want you

lois

↓

to make all the decisions in our marriage."

decisions marriage

↓

Well, you didn't have to listen to me.

↓

Oh, I got all this stuff racing through my mind.

mind racing stuff

↓

I-I can't eat, I can't sleep...

sleep

↓

Oh, Hal, if you want, I'll make the decision for you.

decision

↓

No.

↓

I was given this responsibility.

given responsibility

↓

A man entrusted his fate in my hands.

fate hands

↓

I can't just shrug that off.

↓

I can do this.

↓

I just need to focus my mind on the problem and think clearly.

focus mind problem

↓

Yes.

↓

I've got it.

↓

Lois, I have made the decision.

decision lois

↓

Want to guess what it is?

↓

- Hal. - Oh, all right.

↓

I'll keep trying.

↓

Craig, I'd like to welcome you

craig welcome

↓

to the first day of your new, more vicious life.

life vicious

↓

I give you...

↓

the human body.

body human human-body

↓

For clarity,

clarity

↓

we've divided it into the three major theaters of operation.

divided major operation theaters three

↓

The head.

head

↓

The torso.

torso

↓

And what are those?

↓

You know what those are.

↓

Now the first thing you need to know

↓

is that this is all about pride.

pride

↓

- Do you have pride, Craig? - Yes.

craig pride

↓

Okay, that is not the answer I was looking for.

answer looking

↓

You show me a man with pride,

pride

↓

and I'll show you a man with limited options.

limited options

↓

Let's say that this is your opponent, and he's coming after you.

coming opponent

↓

Hey, man, we can work this out.

↓

I didn't know she was your girl.

girl

↓

See? Now he's blind,

blind

↓

and you have the time to really get creative.

creative

↓

Personally, I like to leave at least one sense intact

intact least personally sense

↓

so he knows what's happening to him.

knows

↓

I knew I came to the right place.

place

↓

Okay, Dewey, you're up.

dewey

↓

Okay, first, I'm going to need you

↓

to take off your glasses.

glasses

↓

Ow! My eyes!

eyes

↓

I didn't know we were starting!

starting

↓

There is no starting in dirty fighting.

dirty fighting starting

↓

Life is one big fight

fight life

↓

from the day you're born to the day you die.

born

↓

Okay. Maybe we should slow down a little.

slow

↓

Ow!

↓

Time out! Time out!

↓

I think we're wasting our time here.

wasting

↓

Let's just kick him in the kidneys and call it a night.

kick kidneys night

↓

No! Please!

↓

I know I suck, but I want to be better.

suck

↓

Please, I'll try harder, I promise.

harder promise

↓

Let me try something.

↓

All right, Craig, listen.

craig

↓

I want you to think.

↓

I want you to visualize every bully

bully

↓

that ever picked on you or beat you up.

beat picked

↓

Really see the look

↓

of contempt on their faces

contempt faces

↓

as they pounded on you.

pounded

↓

- You got it? - Mm-hmm.

↓

Now picture what they were looking at.

looking picture

↓

Oh.

↓

It's disgusting!

disgusting

↓

Is he going for the plums?

↓

It appears so.

appears

↓

Well, he sure won't have to worry

worry

↓

about the guy's children coming after him.

children coming

↓

Now, who's going to be on rounds?

rounds

↓

Look at him.

↓

He can't even move,

↓

and still you can see how much he's suffering.

suffering

↓

Lying there, enduring the pain,

lying pain

↓

hour after endless hour.

endless hour

↓

You can see in his face he's just begging

begging face

↓

to be put out of his misery.

misery

↓

It's awful.

awful

↓

Oh, God, yes.

↓

Look at him.

↓

Look how hard he's fighting.

fighting hard

↓

Those clenched hands, the set of his jaw.

clenched hands

↓

It's inspiring to see such a fierce will to live.

fierce inspiring live

↓

He really wants to make it.

wants

↓

It's beautiful.

↓

He's really gonna...

↓

Here's extra pudding if...

extra pudding

↓

Okay, it was a good plan

plan

↓

having the guy meet you here.

having meet

↓

We've set up a few things to give you a little edge if you get in trouble.

edge trouble

↓

There's a broken bottle in that pile of leaves,

bottle broken leaves pile

↓

and a can of bug spray under the Big Wheel.

spray wheel

↓

If it runs out, it still makes a great blunt object.

blunt makes object runs

↓

Remember, we're here for you.

remember

↓

Unless it looks like you're getting a total beating.

beating total

↓

Then I may have to take his side.

side

↓

Don't worry.

worry

↓

I hate this guy more than anyone on Earth.

earth hate

↓

This jerk is going to finally

finally jerk

↓

get what he deserves.

deserves

↓

Craigy?

↓

Is that you back there?

↓

Hello,

↓

Dad.

↓

For God's sake, son,

gods gods-sake sake

↓

you have no upper body strength at all.

body strength upper

↓

I know girls that could get out of this hold.

girls

↓

Get your foot off my neck so I can kill you.

foot kill neck

↓

Craigy, do you have any idea

idea

↓

how pathetic you look right now?

pathetic

↓

Do you even care?

care

↓

Are you so wrapped up with being

wrapped

↓

a useless piece of pudge that you can't even see

piece useless

↓

how embarrassed you're making me?

embarrassed

↓

Um, I think he needs to breathe.

breathe needs

↓

I'm going to let you up now.

↓

I want you to dust yourself off, suck in your gut,

dust suck

↓

and introduce me to your friends.

friends introduce

↓

I'm not doing anything you tell me.

↓

I hate you.

hate

↓

And I wasn't even choking.

choking

↓

I was faking it.

faking

↓

Vic Feldspar.

feldspar

↓

Nice to meet you, boys.

boys meet

↓

I'm this one's father, I guess.

father ones

↓

Father? Ha!

father

↓

You pretended not to know me at the father-son picnic.

father picnic pretended

↓

Sorry I wasn't swelling with pride

pride swelling

↓

while I watched you

watched

↓

suck the butter off other people's corncobs.

butter peoples suck

↓

You wonder why I'm so messed up?

messed wonder

↓

It's because from the day I was born,

born

↓

I've heard nothing but four-count Burpees

count four four-count heard

↓

and constant, lisping criticism.

constant criticism

↓

Why don't you go back to San Diego

diego

↓

and all your macho friends?

friends macho

↓

I'm not leaving

leaving

↓

until you seriously think about my offer.

offer

↓

I don't want your stupid gymnasiums.

stupid

↓

I told you.

↓

Craigy, the people in Chicago

chicago

↓

put in a very nice bid.

↓

I can't put them off anymore.

anymore

↓

This is your last chance.

chance

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

He wants to give you a string of gymnasiums?

string wants

↓

As long as he can get me back under his thumb.

thumb

↓

Actually, I'm giving them up either way.

giving

↓

It's time for me to retire.

retire

↓

I got a top of the line Fleetwood RV.

line

↓

I'm going to drag it across America with my teeth.

america drag teeth

↓

Son, don't be an idiot.

idiot

↓

There is still a chance I can fix you.

chance

↓

I don't care.

care

↓

I'm not going back with you.

↓

I escaped, and I'm staying escaped.

escaped staying

↓

Okay, you're obviously hysterical.

hysterical obviously

↓

I've got to start my 30-mile run.

mile start

↓

That gives you two hours and 16 minutes to calm down.

calm gives hours minutes

↓

Meet me at Applebee's,

applebees meet

↓

and we'll try to discuss this like grown-ups.

discuss grown

↓

I'll come, but it'll be

itll

↓

for the great service and atmosphere,

atmosphere service

↓

not for you!

↓

Dad, what are you doing?

↓

I am making a decision tree.

decision tree

↓

It is a tool to help you make difficult decisions.

decisions difficult tool

↓

First, I started out with two branches,

branches started

↓

one for pulling the plug,

plug pulling

↓

the other one for keeping him alive.

alive keeping

↓

Then I made branches from those branches

branches

↓

for all the possible outcomes.

possible

↓

I'm getting it all out of my head

head

↓

so I can see what I'm dealing with logically.

dealing logically

↓

"Pulling plug causes feeling of Godlike power.

causes feeling plug power pulling

↓

Forced to kill again"?

forced kill

↓

Well, I'm trying to cover everything.

cover

↓

But now I have gone through all the possibilities,

gone possibilities

↓

and I really think I am zeroing in on a decision.

decision

↓

All your outcomes on "pull the plug"

plug pull

↓

assume that he dies right away.

assume dies

↓

Yes, Dewey, that's what pulling the plug means.

dewey plug pulling

↓

Not necessarily.

necessarily

↓

He could continue to live without his respirator,

continue live

↓

his body wasting away

body wasting

↓

while he struggles for breath,

breath struggles

↓

like a fish on a dock gasping for air,

dock fish gasping

↓

slowly suffocating over the course of weeks or even months.

course months slowly weeks

↓

I read about this one...

read

↓

Thank you, Dewey.

dewey

↓

Like I don't get enough

↓

of the know-it-all stuff from Malcolm.

malcolm stuff

↓

Here you go, Craig. I made your favorite;

craig favorite

↓

lemon meringue pie.

lemon

↓

I want to thank you people for your hospitality.

hospitality

↓

Opening your house up to me

house opening

↓

and the living garbage disposal over here.

disposal garbage living

↓

It's our pleasure.

pleasure

↓

I hope you like dinner.

dinner hope

↓

I wasn't sure whether to make a chicken or a ham.

chicken whether

↓

Chicken or ham, boy, that's a tough one.

chicken tough

↓

Chicken or ham.

chicken

↓

You're life must be a living hell.

life living must

↓

So, did Craig tell you

craig

↓

how he got honorable mention for his community gardens?

community honorable mention

↓

Sitting on his ass making food?

food sitting

↓

Sounds about right.

sounds

↓

Hello.

↓

Oh, yes, Dr. Samson.

↓

Hal, you promised us a decision a week ago.

decision promised week

↓

The hospital needs this room for urgent care patients.

care hospital needs patients room urgent urgent-care

↓

Now, we have to either pull the plug on Mr. Edelman

plug pull

↓

or move him to a private intensive care facility.

care facility intensive intensive-care private

↓

We have to have your decision now, right now.

decision

↓

Okay, listen, I'm going to need your help here.

↓

Just strictly from an emotionless,

emotionless strictly

↓

purely medical standpoint,

medical purely

↓

what should I do?

↓

Pull the plug. Let him live.

live plug pull

↓

Damn it, Georgie,

georgie

↓

you know the chances for a coma patient waking up are practically zero.

chances coma patient practically waking zero

↓

Practically zero does not mean zero.

practically zero

↓

Why the hell do you give up so easily?

easily

↓

He's shown no activity, no responsiveness,

activity shown

↓

no eye movement for a month-- it's over.

month movement

↓

You know as well as I that patients can be in

patients

↓

a persistent vegetative state for years

state years

↓

and still recover.

recover

↓

We can argue about this all day.

argue

↓

We're not going to get anywhere.

↓

It's up to you.

↓

Just put an "X" somewhere.

↓

What's wrong with him?

↓

The doctors called it

called doctors

↓

"hysterical conversion disorder."

disorder hysterical

↓

It's psychosomatic.

↓

Apparently, he's paralyzed from the waist up.

apparently paralyzed waist

↓

Waist up?

waist

↓

Dad, what is it?

↓

I think he's thanking you.

thanking

↓

Dad, what are you doing here?

↓

I told you no at Applebee's,

applebees

↓

no at Malcolm's house

house malcolms

↓

and no all the way home as you jogged alongside my car.

home

↓

I wanted to give you something.

wanted

↓

What is it?

↓

Used to call that your unk-unk.

used

↓

Your mother bought that for you

bought mother

↓

the day she found out she was pregnant.

found pregnant

↓

The only day I saw her happier

happier

↓

was the day you were born.

born

↓

Wow.

↓

I haven't been totally honest with you, son,

honest

↓

but before I go, I owe you the truth.

truth

↓

I never made it a secret how disappointed I am

disappointed secret

↓

with the way you turned out.

turned

↓

But what you don't know is

↓

if your mother was alive today,

alive mother today

↓

she's be just as disappointed.

disappointed

↓

What?

↓

Opening those gyms wasn't just my dream,

dream gyms opening

↓

it was your mother's dream, too.

dream mothers

↓

Fitness was her life,

fitness life

↓

and it was her dying wish for you to embrace a life

dying embrace life wish

↓

of health and vitality.

health

↓

Why didn't you ever tell me that?

↓

Because I kept thinking if I pushed you enough,

pushed thinking

↓

eventually you'd turn yourself around.

eventually

↓

But apparently to you,

apparently

↓

I'm an annoyance, not an inspiration.

inspiration

↓

- No, you're... - It doesn't really matter.

matter

↓

Your mom's in heaven now,

heaven moms

↓

crying at the waste you made of your life.

crying life waste

↓

I know you don't want

↓

to run those gyms to please me,

gyms

↓

but you might want to consider doing it for your mother.

consider might mother

↓

Do those jumpsuits come in extra large?

extra jumpsuits

↓

I waited all my life to hear those words.

life waited words

↓

It's been four days, Hal.

days four four-days

↓

I've tried to be patient, but this has gone on

gone patient tried

↓

long enough.

↓

You've got to snap out of it.

snap

↓

Look, I'll admit you've been resourceful.

admit

↓

You've learned to do so many things,

learned

↓

and the sex has been interesting,

interesting

↓

but you can't go on living like this.

living

↓

Don't think I don't know

↓

what this is all about, Hal.

↓

You're trying to avoid making this decision.

avoid decision

↓

This is not going to work.

↓

And frankly, this whole thing is beneath you.

beneath frankly whole

↓

It's a cowards way out, Hal.

cowards

↓

You think I wouldn't like a paralyzed vacation,

paralyzed vacation

↓

everyone waiting on me hand and foot?

foot hand waiting

↓

But you know what?

↓

It doesn't work that way.

↓

You can't make up ridiculous illnesses

illnesses ridiculous

↓

to get out of doing what you don't want to do.

↓

Oh, for God's sake,

gods gods-sake sake

↓

do you have any idea how insane you're acting?

acting idea insane

↓

I'm just glad that your boys aren't here to see this.

boys glad

↓

Oh, Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet.

changed diapers feet jamies

↓

Hal?!

↓

Reese, how could you just leave him in there?

reese

↓

Every time I pulled him out, Jamie started crying.

crying jamie pulled started

↓

Okay, this is ending right now.

ending

↓

You are going to stop being paralyzed

paralyzed

↓

and you are going to make this decision.

decision

↓

I know you think you can't do this.

↓

I know you're worried you'll choose wrong,

choose worried

↓

but Hal, you had a very hard choice

choice hard

↓

to make in your life before

life

↓

and you made not only a good decision,

decision

↓

you made a brilliant one--

brilliant

↓

you decided to marry me.

decided marry

↓

No one thought it was a good idea.

idea

↓

All your friends thought

friends

↓

you were making a horrible mistake.

horrible mistake

↓

Your parents, my parents.

parents

↓

They all said I was a pushy, opinionated loudmouth,

pushy

↓

but you knew I was perfect for you.

perfect

↓

And I am.

↓

It's the best decision anyone's ever made.

anyones best decision

↓

Every day I wake up

wake

↓

grateful or that brilliant, brilliant decision.

brilliant decision grateful

↓

And you can do it again, Hal.

↓

I know you can.

↓

But with you it was obvious.

obvious

↓

Even so, honey.

honey

↓

You better say your good-byes quickly.

quickly

↓

We need to squeeze in a lake swim

lake squeeze swim

↓

before we head to the airport.

airport head

↓

But... Ready? Begin.

begin ready

↓

I'll miss you guys.

miss

↓

Craig, you don't have to do this.

craig

↓

Let's face it. I don't have any better options.

face options

↓

It's your lunchtime.

lunchtime

↓

That's his lunch?

lunch

↓

Every day until he drops 90 pounds.

drops pounds

↓

These pills here are my own formula.

formula pills

↓

It's got three times the RDA

three three-times times

↓

of the all you basic vitamins and nutrients.

basic vitamins

↓

Sadly, it doesn't contain any character.

character sadly

↓

See ya, Craig.

craig

↓

I guess this means

↓

I don't owe you that 50 bucks anymore.

anymore bucks

↓

I'll think of you

↓

every time I open a jar of mayonnaise.

open

↓

So, um, Vic,

↓

Craig's mom was a real fitness buff, huh?

buff craigs fitness real

↓

Absolutely. She did a triathlon

absolutely triathlon

↓

the day after giving birth to Craig.

birth craig giving giving-birth

↓

There was no stopping that woman.

stopping woman

↓

Really? No stopping

stopping

↓

this woman?!

woman

↓

Give that back.

↓

Mama?

mama

↓

Oh, my God, she's beautiful.

↓

I thought you said all the photos of her

photos

↓

were destroyed in the twister that killed her.

destroyed killed twister

↓

What did you want me to say,

↓

that your mother ran out on me

mother

↓

with a guy who owned a pie shop?

owned shop

↓

That after years

years

↓

of slaving away to give that woman everything,

woman

↓

she decided she wasn't attracted to me anymore?

anymore attracted decided

↓

That I wasn't man enough for her?

↓

Come on, Craig.

craig

↓

What would that have done to your self-esteem?

esteem self self-esteem

↓

So, my mom is alive?

alive

↓

Oh, great.

↓

So, now this all going to be about her.

↓

How could you do this to me?

↓

How could you lie to me all these years?

years

↓

I did what I thought was best for you.

best

↓

No, you didn't.

↓

You did what you thought would punish her.

punish

↓

All this time, you weren't yelling at me,

yelling

↓

but at this beautiful, beautiful woman.

woman

↓

Dad, I'm not going with you.

↓

My life isn't a mess.

life mess

↓

I love my life.

life love

↓

I love my job, I love my cat,

love

↓

I love my friends.

friends love

↓

I've made something of myself.

↓

I'm Desk Sergeant at my Neighborhood Watch,

desk neighborhood sergeant watch

↓

and a 14th-level elf cleric.

level

↓

I am not going to throw that away.

throw

↓

You almost sounded like a man for a second.

second sounded

↓

Good-bye, Dad.

↓

You actually have a pretty good grip there, son.

grip

↓

It's my joystick hand.

hand

↓

Hal, I am so proud of you

proud

↓

for making such a great decision.

decision

↓

And such a surprising one.

surprising

↓

I thought your only choices were life or death.

choices death life

↓

Who would have thought there was a third option?

option third

↓

People aren't willing to think outside the box.

willing

↓

See, the answer was there all the time.

answer

↓

Someone just had to see it.

↓

Once I found out he was a bird lover,

bird found lover

↓

well, it all made sense.

sense

↓

And everything was at Radio Shack?

radio shack

↓

Everything but the hat.

↓

You know what, Hal?

↓

Your solution was so brilliant,

brilliant solution

↓

would you mind walking me through it

mind walking

↓

one more time, step-by-step,

step

↓

just so I understand it completely?

completely

↓

Honey, no, it was so exhausting.

exhausting honey

↓

I don't think I'll talk about it ever again.

↓

Well, I suppose it's for the best.

best suppose