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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S06E09 — Malcolm's Car

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 6, Episode 9 — Malcolm's Car

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Malcolm in the Middle

Episode title: Malcolm's Car

Air date: January 30, 2005

Director: Peter Lauer

Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson

When Malcolm spots a roughed up 1967 Cuda in his neighborhood, he instantly falls in love with it and purchases the car. But he gets so caught up in the difficult task of restoring it that he blows off Stevie as well as Reese who needs him for an illegal betting scheme of his. Hal on the other hand, is having success when he stumbles upon his hidden talent -- hairstyling. Lois doesn't have time to worry about Malcolm or Hal, as she is caught up in scandal between Craig and their Lucky Aide boss Fred. Craig says he is taking time off to tutor Fred's wife in golf but Lois finds out he is actually having an affair with her.

Source: TMDB

↓

Look out for the tickle monster!

monster tickle

↓

He's going to get you.

↓

Honey, you can stop looking for the car keys.

honey keys looking

↓

You are going to be so proud of me.

proud

↓

Why?

↓

I spent the last five nights in a chat room

chat chat-room five five-nights nights room spent

↓

reeling in this creep named Heinrich.

creep heinrich named

↓

He calls me "Sugarbuns"

calls

↓

15 times on nine separate occasions.

nine occasions separate times

↓

- Reese... - So the guy starts crying,

crying reese starts

↓

It's not just for police anymore.

anymore police

↓

Why do I care about this?

care

↓

The guy works at the racetrack.

works

↓

This is tomorrow's racing form.

form racing tomorrows

↓

You'll pick the winners

pick winners

↓

and I'll place the bets-- we split the winnings

bets place split winnings

↓

50-50, like brothers.

brothers

↓

That's kind of nice.

↓

on his answering machine.

answering answering-machine machine

↓

How could this not work out?

↓

It did work out.

↓

It's been four days and Reese

days four four-days reese

↓

and I have already won almost $300.

↓

I can't believe it.

believe

↓

Reese's plans usually end up with a missing toe or something.

missing plans reeses usually

↓

inefficiencies and it's really

↓

improved morale at the store.

improved store

↓

You know, I actually enjoy going to work now that everybody is...

enjoy everybody

↓

I'm sorry, I didn't see the curb.

curb

↓

I was distracted by that...

distracted

↓

Ow.

↓

Do you believe this?

believe

↓

What happened?

happened

↓

I was half way through my haircut

haircut half

↓

And he thought I would just sit there and take it.

↓

Well, I showed him, Hal.

showed

↓

I got up and I walked right out of there.

walked

↓

This is extortion, pure and simple.

pure simple

↓

What are you going to do about...?

↓

- Here, even it up. - What?

↓

I can't walk around like this. Cut it.

walk

↓

No, I couldn't.

↓

Hal, it doesn't have to look good.

↓

Just hack this side off. Even it up.

hack side

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

What in the...?

↓

that I had no choice but to buy it.

choice

↓

Hey, there's some black gooey stuff leaking out of it.

black leaking stuff

↓

I know it looks fast and dangerous,

dangerous fast

↓

but that's a good thing.

↓

Cops will have their eye on my car,

cops

↓

so I'll be extra motivated to drive safe and slow.

drive drive-safe extra motivated safe slow

↓

It didn't cost much, so I'll have enough to pay

cost

↓

for the first year's insurance.

insurance years

↓

Think of all the money you'll save

money save

↓

from less wear and tear on your car

less tear wear

↓

since I won't have to drive it anymore.

anymore drive

↓

I can put my finger through the metal.

finger metal

↓

Dewey, get out of there!

dewey

↓

I'll be able to work extra shifts

able extra shifts

↓

since I won't have to ride in with you,

ride

↓

which means I'll be bringing more money into the house.

bringing house money

↓

Oh, and I love it.

love

↓

I know you don't care, but it just needed to be said.

care needed

↓

Malcolm, the fact that you even want this so bad

fact malcolm

↓

should have been your first clue that this is...

clue

↓

- Lois. - Hal, he's not...

lois

↓

Look, every boy has to go through this.

↓

It's the only way they find out

↓

what's important in a car.

↓

Look, let's go.

↓

I need to feather your neckline a little bit.

feather

↓

Where were you?

↓

We were supposed to meet Heinrich right after lunch to get our bets in.

bets heinrich lunch meet supposed

↓

Today was totally wasted.

today wasted

↓

Although he did buy me a swimsuit.

swimsuit

↓

I got a car, Reese.

reese

↓

I finally have a car.

finally

↓

It's the coolest thing I've ever seen.

coolest seen

↓

It's a piece of crap.

piece

↓

Don't listen to him.

↓

You're magnificent.

magnificent

↓

Lois, your hair looks beautiful.

hair lois

↓

She's right, Lois. It's fantastic.

fantastic lois

↓

Thank you.

↓

I've been getting compliments all day.

compliments

↓

It looks so much better.

↓

Yeah, I thought you were trapped in the '70s with that old cut.

trapped

↓

And your head doesn't look

head

↓

so boxy anymore.

anymore

↓

Lois?

lois

↓

What did you do to your hair? I love it.

hair love

↓

- Fred, isn't it fantastic? - Mm-hmm.

fantastic fred

↓

Who's your stylist?

stylist

↓

- My husband did it. - Really?

husband

↓

Where's his shop?

shop

↓

He doesn't have one.

↓

I just got the scissors out of the drawer and,

drawer scissors

↓

I don't know, he just got inspired.

inspired

↓

- Amazing. - Okay, ladies, we're agreed.

agreed amazing ladies

↓

Lois looks beautiful.

lois

↓

Now, let's get back to work.

↓

I got a job to do, too, honey.

honey

↓

Good evening, Fred.

evening fred

↓

There goes the soul of this store.

soul store

↓

And it keeps your nose

keeps nose

↓

from taking over your face.

face

↓

Yeah, thanks.

thanks

↓

So I'll see you tonight?

tonight

↓

I wouldn't miss it.

miss

↓

Lois, you've got to help me.

lois

↓

What? I need you to cover the rest of my shift for me.

cover rest shift

↓

Again? Craig, what's going on?

craig

↓

Paula wants to surprise Fred for their anniversary.

anniversary fred paula surprise wants

↓

He's a big golfer, so she wants to learn how,

golfer learn wants

↓

so I've been giving her lessons.

giving lessons

↓

You don't know how to golf.

golf

↓

True,

↓

but somehow she got the idea

idea

↓

that I only missed the cut at the Masters by three strokes.

masters missed three

↓

You lied to her?

lied

↓

Lois, my job here is hanging by a thread.

hanging lois thread

↓

I thought if I could help the boss's wife

bosss bosss-wife wife

↓

surprise him with a game of golf, they'd end up kissing

game golf kissing surprise theyd

↓

on the 18th green, and maybe I'd be in there somewhere

green

↓

getting the credit for it.

credit

↓

Or you could just work hard at your job

hard

↓

and then you wouldn't have to suck up.

suck

↓

Lois, I don't have time for your fantasies.

fantasies lois

↓

I'm in trouble here.

trouble

↓

The first few lessons

lessons

↓

we worked on driving the cart,

cart driving worked

↓

but now she wants to know how to swing a club.

club swing wants

↓

I need to take a lesson

lesson

↓

so I can bluff my way through her lesson.

bluff lesson

↓

Craig... Please, Lois.

craig lois

↓

I can't lose this job.

lose

↓

This is the only true thing on my resume.

resume

↓

All right, but I'm only...

↓

Feldspar.

feldspar

↓

I want all those 50-pound bags of dog food out on the floor

bags floor food pound

↓

before I get back from the warehouse.

warehouse

↓

I'm on it.

↓

Thanks, Lois.

lois thanks

↓

Sorry I'm late, Hal.

late

↓

The grocery store was...

grocery grocery-store store

↓

Hi, Lois.

lois

↓

- Hal, what are you doing? - Just giving Margie a new look.

giving

↓

I had to have him do me.

↓

Your husband's a genius.

genius husbands

↓

And I get to keep the hair.

hair

↓

Now where was I? Oh, my sister.

sister

↓

Honestly, a beach condo on her salary.

beach condo salary

↓

Who is she trying to impress?

impress

↓

She's just so insecure, she always has been.

insecure

↓

Every year she sends

sends

↓

a Christmas card with a picture

card christmas picture

↓

of her family sitting on a sailboat.

family sitting

↓

It's not even theirs.

↓

Uh, Lois.

lois

↓

Do you have to do the grocery thing in here?

grocery

↓

So, they rent that boat from their horrible neighbors

boat horrible neighbors rent

↓

who, P.S., don't even know how to sail.

sail

↓

And the husband got that money for it by very lucrative...

husband lucrative money

↓

What is your problem, you stupid car?

problem stupid

↓

You're driving me nuts.

driving nuts

↓

Where... were you?

↓

Oh, Stevie, good. Here, take this.

stevie

↓

If it turns over, yank it out.

turns yank

↓

I waited... at the library.

library waited

↓

You should have seen her today.

seen today

↓

I was at a light and these jerks

jerks light

↓

pulled up next to me wanting to race.

pulled race wanting

↓

I hit the gas and she just flew.

flew

↓

I totally blew the doors off for four seconds

blew doors four four-seconds seconds

↓

before she dropped an oil pan.

dropped

↓

That's it!

↓

Malcolm, we did it.

malcolm

↓

We won over $250 from...

↓

from the good grades program at school.

grades program school

↓

Awesome.

awesome

↓

That'll pay for this.

thatll

↓

Isn't it beautiful?

↓

This is for you.

↓

I e-mailed... my chess move... days ago.

chess days mailed

↓

Stevie, I don't have to do everything with you.

stevie

↓

Tell you what.

↓

I'll take you for a drive. That'll...

drive thatll

↓

What is your problem, you stupid car?!

problem stupid

↓

You're driving me nuts!

driving nuts

↓

So I'm thinking, I feel young, so why not look young?

thinking young

↓

So I got the Botox done

botox

↓

to my crow's feet and my forehead, then I had

crows crows-feet feet forehead

↓

my chin done and my tummy tucked.

chin tucked tummy

↓

And I may not stop there.

↓

Work it, girlfriend.

girlfriend

↓

Oh, hi, Lois.

lois

↓

Can I talk to you for a minute?

minute

↓

Does your grandmother know you borrowed her hands?

borrowed grandmother hands

↓

I went to six different stores

stores

↓

and could not find that avocado oil you recommended.

avocado recommended

↓

Hal, this isn't working for me.

working

↓

Well, that's because you don't

↓

scrunch and sprits like I told you to.

↓

No, this. Look.

↓

Craig is flaking out on me.

craig

↓

I'm pulling double shifts for him

double pulling shifts

↓

and every time I come home, it's full of people.

full home

↓

I never have any time alone.

alone

↓

There is hair everywhere.

hair

↓

And I do not like the way

↓

you are standing lately.

lately standing

↓

Lois, these women are walking out of here with a glow.

glow lois walking women

↓

It's wonderful.

↓

Well, can't you at least some of the money

least money

↓

you're making to hire a cleaning lady?

cleaning cleaning-lady hire lady

↓

I'm not accepting money for this.

accepting money

↓

What?!

↓

I am transforming these women, Lois.

lois women

↓

I won't soil that with money.

money soil

↓

And it's not just the hair.

hair

↓

They confide in me,

↓

they need someone to listen to their problems.

problems

↓

You wouldn't believe what some of

believe

↓

these women are going through.

women

↓

Nancy, she's getting audited.

audited nancy

↓

Margie's husband has a gambling problem,

gambling husband problem

↓

and Paula in there, she is having an affair.

affair having paula

↓

What?

↓

Yes, for the last five months.

five five-months months

↓

It's some guy she's pretending to take golf lessons with.

golf lessons pretending

↓

Why do you keep doing this to me?

↓

I fix your throttle leakage and your alternator dies.

dies throttle

↓

I buy you a new alternator and your water pump explodes.

explodes pump water

↓

Every time I think I'm getting close,

close

↓

you find a new way to hurt me.

hurt

↓

Hey, thanks for placing that bet today.

placing thanks today

↓

I tried to get out of detention,

detention tried

↓

but none of the fire alarms are working.

alarms fire working

↓

Where's the money?

money

↓

- I never made the bet. - What?

↓

I didn't make the bet. I spent the money on something else.

money spent

↓

A car bra!

↓

What? You had $200.

↓

That horse came in at five to two.

five horse

↓

I don't know what that is,

↓

but I'm supposed to get half of it.

half supposed

↓

Sorry, man. But look how hot she looks.

↓

Malcolm, you got to calm down.

calm malcolm

↓

This car is messing you up.

messing

↓

This car is not messing me up.

messing

↓

It's made me happier than I've ever been in my life.

happier life

↓

Oh, Lois, thank God.

lois

↓

Fred asked me to scrub out the Dumpsters tonight,

asked dumpsters fred scrub tonight

↓

but Paula wants to work on her short iron,

iron paula short wants

↓

so I had to schedule an emergency lesson

emergency lesson schedule

↓

with the golf pro.

golf

↓

The guy charges, like, 90 bucks an hour

bucks charges hour

↓

and it's really eating away at my savings,

eating savings

↓

but I guess I have no one to blame but myself--

blame

↓

and, oh, my God, you know about the affair.

affair

↓

Damn it!

↓

Damn it!

↓

- You do know, right? - Yes, I know.

↓

Damn it!

↓

Craig, how could you lie to me

craig

↓

after all I've done for you?

↓

I let you sleep on our floor

floor sleep

↓

when you though your cat's ghost was trying to kill you.

cats ghost kill

↓

I settled that feud

feud settled

↓

between you and the Girl Scout troop.

girl girl-scout scout troop

↓

They started it.

started

↓

Shut up!

↓

I do all this and you repay me

repay

↓

by making me drag around 50-pound sacks of dog food

drag food pound sacks

↓

so you can sleep with the boss's wife?

bosss bosss-wife sleep wife

↓

That's inexcusable!

↓

I didn't plan this. It just happened.

happened plan

↓

One night after inventory,

inventory night

↓

we stopped in the parking lot to talk.

parking stopped

↓

I bent down to pick up her keys,

bent keys pick

↓

the next thing I know,

↓

she's got me handcuffed in a shower

shower

↓

in a motel out by the airport.

airport motel

↓

She's crazy, Lois.

crazy lois

↓

But she makes me crazy, too.

crazy makes

↓

- Craig... - I'm not kidding.

craig kidding

↓

There is a dark, scary place inside of me

dark place scary

↓

that I didn't even know was there,

↓

but Paula knew it was there,

paula

↓

and every night she takes me to that scary place

night place scary takes

↓

and shows me some new,

shows

↓

terrible, delicious corner of it.

corner delicious

↓

You're not going to rat on me, are you?

↓

No, but you have to end this today.

today

↓

I can't, Lois. I'm addicted.

addicted lois

↓

I don't even know who I am anymore!

anymore

↓

I know I've let you down,

↓

but I want to thank you for helping me anyway.

helping

↓

Craig, I never said I...

craig

↓

If that homeless guy is still in the dumpster,

dumpster homeless

↓

just let him drink from the hose.

drink hose

↓

He'll leave you alone.

alone

↓

Stupid car.

stupid

↓

That's four coats.

coats four

↓

Now will you run?!

↓

Malcolm, your leopard-skin seat covers are here.

covers malcolm seat skin

↓

Sweet.

sweet

↓

I can't wait to see you in them.

↓

What's going on?

↓

Malcolm, this is Mike.

malcolm mike

↓

He's from AAA.

↓

You're in a safe place

place safe safe-place

↓

with people who care about you.

care

↓

Sit down, son.

↓

What's all this about?

↓

Stevie and Reese have something to say

reese stevie

↓

and I think you should listen.

↓

You've abandoned... your friends.

abandoned friends

↓

You didn't

↓

even notice my new... deck shoes.

deck notice shoes

↓

Stevie, I've just been busy, okay?

busy stevie

↓

Your car is ruining everything.

ruining

↓

It's even affecting our illegal gambling.

affecting gambling illegal

↓

I tried to pick a winner myself,

pick tried winner

↓

but since I'm an idiot,

idiot

↓

I picked one that came in at over 600-to-one.

picked

↓

I won $11,500 that I can't even touch

touch

↓

because I'd have to fill out a tax form!

fill form

↓

$11,500 that's just sitting there tormenting me

sitting

↓

because of that stupid car!

stupid

↓

Stop calling it stupid!

calling stupid

↓

That car isn't stupid.

stupid

↓

That car is great.

↓

It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

best happened

↓

Really? Where'd you get that shiner?

whered

↓

That was my fault. I wasn't being careful enough.

careful fault

↓

Malcolm,

malcolm

↓

we're here to help,

↓

but the first step is for you to admit

admit step

↓

that you have a problem.

problem

↓

I did. That's why I'm in AAA.

↓

There's thousands of us, Malcolm,

malcolm thousands

↓

and we all know what you're going through.

↓

Wow.

↓

I guess I didn't realize how bad things had gotten.

gotten realize

↓

I think I need to take

↓

a good long look at every...

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

Oh, that's it.

↓

I didn't get... to read... my poem.

poem read

↓

And then when Martha left the room,

left martha room

↓

Tina checked the price tag on the leather coat--

checked coat leather price tina

↓

factory outlet.

factory outlet

↓

Temperature good for you?

temperature

↓

Perfect. As was the scalp massage.

massage perfect scalp

↓

So all you have to do is cash in the ticket for me,

cash ticket

↓

give me the $11,000, and you can keep $500.

↓

Deal.

deal

↓

Thanks, man.

thanks

↓

Well, I think it's important you have an adult you can trust.

adult trust

↓

This car is a tease.

tease

↓

Yesterday, she gave me the ride of my life.

life ride yesterday

↓

Her bra flew off before I even hit the freeway.

flew freeway

↓

I was so happy!

happy

↓

And today, she won't even start.

start today

↓

It's like yesterday didn't even happen.

happen yesterday

↓

I can't take this anymore!

anymore

↓

Please start!

start

↓

Please, I'm begging you!

begging

↓

Just give me a little something, please?!

↓

Oh, thank you so much! I knew you'd come back.

↓

We're meant to be together. Don't you see?

meant

↓

Help!

↓

Somebody help me!

somebody

↓

I'm stuck!

stuck

↓

Help!

↓

There's a bit of a wait.

↓

We got slammed with a wedding party

party slammed wedding

↓

and we're way behind.

behind

↓

Ah, The Human Volcano.

human volcano

↓

One of my favorites.

favorites

↓

Oh, it's so much better now that he can read minds.

minds read read-minds

↓

Exactly.

↓

He used to just have heat grip.

grip heat used

↓

How lame was that?

lame

↓

You allergic to nuts?

allergic nuts

↓

No.

↓

All right.

↓

What are you studying in school?

school studying

↓

Regular stuff, I guess.

regular regular-stuff stuff

↓

I don't really like school.

school

↓

Everybody makes fun of me.

everybody fun makes

↓

Yeah, I remember those days.

days remember

↓

Kids can be so cruel.

cruel kids

↓

The smart kids, the loners,

kids smart

↓

they were the meanest.

↓

The worst is gym class.

class worst

↓

My own team throws the ball at me in dodgeball.

ball dodgeball team throws

↓

Hey, you know how you can get out of gym?

↓

Pretend to have asthma.

pretend

↓

All you need is a fake inhaler.

fake

↓

Here, take mine.

↓

It also gets me good seats on the bus.

seats

↓

Don't worry. Things are going

worry

↓

to be better for you from here on out.

↓

My dad tells me the same thing.

tells

↓

Well, your dad's a smart man.

dads smart

↓

Frank, your new haircut looks great.

frank haircut

↓

Let me just get my purse and I'll drive you back home to your parents.

drive home parents purse

↓

Craig, you know Frank's parents, Fred and Paula.

craig franks fred parents paula

↓

Remember, Fred is our boss at Lucky Aide?

aide boss fred lucky lucky-aide remember

↓

And I believe you're giving golf lessons to his mom.

believe giving golf lessons

↓

Let's go, Frank.

frank

↓

And I promise I'll drive very safely

drive promise safely

↓

so we don't have an accident.

accident

↓

I wouldn't want to ruin your life with my carelessness.

life ruin

↓

I'm not going to make it.

↓

Stevie was right about this car.

stevie

↓

And so was Reese.

reese

↓

He was right about the car and the horse racing.

horse racing

↓

That makes it easier.

easier makes

↓

I don't... want to live in a world...

live world

↓

where Reese is right.

reese

↓

You really have to snap those sheets

sheets snap

↓

if you want to get the hair off.

hair

↓

Come on. Throw your fanny into it.

fanny throw

↓

Dad, seriously, you got to stop talking like that.

↓

Oh, I'm sorry.

↓

It's just so draining listening to all these people

draining listening

↓

with their tawdry little secrets.

secrets

↓

Like that Paula woman, Fred's wife?

paula wife woman

↓

Not only is she cheating on her husband,

cheating husband

↓

now she's two-timing on her golf instructor

golf instructor timing

↓

with her swing-dance teacher.

dance swing teacher

↓

She is learning new moves every night,

learning moves night

↓

if you know what I'm talking about.

↓

She is so cold.

cold

↓

Hey!

↓

Stevie, please, we're talking.

stevie

↓

And Sheila's husband Randy just got a new assistant.

assistant husband randy

↓

She's 19 years old

years

↓

and she doesn't even know how to type.

type

↓

The girl wears a halter top to the office.

girl office wears

↓

Halter tops?

tops

↓

Hello? Dukes of Hazzard on line three.

line three

↓

They want their costumes back.

costumes

↓

Malcolm? Malcolm, are you all right?

malcolm

↓

What happened?

happened

↓

It's okay. It's okay, son.

↓

You'll be fine. Just breathe deep.

breathe deep

↓

Stevie...

stevie

↓

...you saved my life.

life saved

↓

I treated you like dirt. You saved my life.

dirt life saved treated

↓

Your wheel's kinda on my crotch.

crotch kinda wheels

↓

Is it?

↓

I can get off early.

early

↓

Can't you cancel your lesson?

cancel lesson

↓

I wish I could,

wish

↓

but we're working on the Texas Two-Step tonight.

step texas tonight working

↓

We never see each other anymore.

anymore

↓

Lois, I see you more than I see my wife these days.

days lois wife

↓

Oh, Fred, things have a way of changing for the better.

changing fred

↓

You'll see.

↓

CRAIG Attention, Lucky Aide shoppers:

aide attention craig lucky lucky-aide shoppers

↓

My name is Craig Feldspar

craig craig-feldspar feldspar name

↓

and I have a message for Paula Lynch.

message paula

↓

Paula, I can't go on like this.

paula

↓

I'm going to do the right thing and make you my wife.

wife

↓

I just bought an $11,500 engagement ring

bought engagement engagement-ring ring

↓

which I hope you'll accept.

accept hope

↓

You're cheating on me with Craig Feldspar?!

cheating craig craig-feldspar feldspar

↓

I think we're both victims here, Fred.

fred victims

↓

I'm going to go... something that way.

↓

Sure, it won't be easy for us,

easy

↓

but the path of true love never did run smooth.

love path smooth

↓

We'll move in with my grandmother

grandmother

↓

and care for her together.

care

↓

Well, they're about to tow her away.

↓

You want to come say good-bye?

↓

No.

↓

I know it's tough, son.

tough

↓

I thought I'd never get over my first car.

↓

'64 Plymouth Fury who couldn't keep her top on.

fury plymouth

↓

Then some guy stole her from me.

stole

↓

I saw her a few months later with a new driver

driver months

↓

and a different paint job, but she meant nothing to me.

meant paint

↓

I had moved on.

moved

↓

And so will you.

↓

Are you cutting my hair?

cutting hair

↓

No.