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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S06E08 — Lois Battles Jamie

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 6, Episode 8 — Lois Battles Jamie

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Episode title: Lois Battles Jamie
Air date: January 23, 2005
Director: Steve Welch
Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson
Lois thinks Jamie is out to get her when Jamie knocks over a shelf and nearly crushes her.
Source: TMDB
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Mr. Hawkins? It's Hal.
hawkins
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Remember, a few weeks ago,
rememberweeks
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in the break room,
breakroom
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when someone left the tinfoil on their burrito
burritoleft
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and the microwave caught fire
caughtfiremicrowave
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and the sprinklers went off
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and shorted out all the computers
computers
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and we lost all our database for the last five years?
databasefivefive-yearslostyears
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Yeah, well, I just thought you might like to know
might
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who the "slack-jawed idiot" was.
idiotslack
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Dad, Dad, you need four apples, not three!
applesfourthree
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You only won another lottery ticket!
anotherlotteryticket
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It was Phil in Accounting.
accountingphil
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He feels just awful about it,
awfulfeels
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and I wouldn't be too hard on him.
hard
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His wife is a bit of a drinker,
drinkerwife
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and she's not particularly faithful...
faithfulparticularly
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I saw her pulling baloney stew out of the freezer last night.
baloneyfreezernightpullingstew
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Don't worry. I stuck a bloody Band-Aid in it before we left.
bandbloodyleftstuckworry
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Holy crap. Look at that!
holy
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Cool! A diving board!
boardcooldiving
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And someone just dumped it here for us to find.
dumped
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We've got to take it home!
home
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What are we gonna do with it?
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I don't know. But... look at it!
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and bounce and... and bounce!
bounce
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He's right. We need it.
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One, two, three... go!
three
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Oh, Jamie, this is ridiculous!
jamieridiculous
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If you want to breathe, you have to open your mouth.
breathemouthopen
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Ah. See? There's no reason for...
reason
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Now you're just going to have to eat some eyebrow, too.
eyebrow
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Hi, honey.
honey
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f12539ba-976b-479b-bb4a-25a847daaf53.gif
This is the same fight as breakfast.
breakfastfight
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It's the same jar of peas,
peas
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That baby thinks he's gonna break me,
babybreakthinks
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but he doesn't know who he's dealing with.
dealing
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Hal, I'm not about to lose it with a...
lose
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God. How does he do that?
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c12bf45b-db37-41ec-8382-37db2691508e.gif
Please,
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One last time.
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This is gonna be so great!
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This is the answer.
answer
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cd61f816-021a-46b1-97ab-afd583b2c884.gif
What's the question?
question
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I don't know yet.
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But this is definitely the answer.
answer
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bab255e7-7d6c-41be-a47a-196cfcb8ed57.gif
Would you look at this?
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Jamie poured flour in the dryer.
dryerflourjamiepoured
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Now I get to wear a loaf of bread to work tomorrow.
breadloaftomorrowwear
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Oh, you say that with every kid.
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Let's face it, Lois.
facelois
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No, there's something different with Jamie.
jamie
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He's not like the other ones.
ones
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I'm telling you, I can see it in his eyes.
eyestelling
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Honey, calm down.
calmhoney
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You know how cute he is, with his tush
cutetush
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all squished up in the air like that...
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- Did you see him? - See who?
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- Thataway! - We're in lockdown!
lockdown
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This door stays closed
closeddoorstays
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aa39a220-09ea-481f-92ea-c61ea723581e.gif
till you hear the all-clear call.
cleartill
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8baa4a60-1447-4378-b91c-b4bb4083a619.gif
The perimeter's sealed.
sealed
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19fd526a-54e3-437f-9b3b-d251fbb339f5.gif
He's not getting out this way.
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My jewelry box!
jewelry
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Jamie, Mommy told you...
jamiemommy
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All right, Jamie, you've had your fun.
funjamie
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Now it's time to give that back to Mommy and go to sleep.
mommysleep
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Jamie... I asked you to give it to me!
askedjamie
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Oh!
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Would you look at this thing?
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It's amazing.
amazing
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5ae19cb4-0ab2-4ffb-ac82-af15374d7cd6.gif
We've got to come up with something
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da2bce76-75e2-4680-987f-5860f1142402.gif
really great to do with it.
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fa4804a4-8e3a-4e4a-9af3-d917ebf788bb.gif
What if we tied mattresses to ourselves and jumped off it?
jumpedtied
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Nah. We could do that off the roof.
roof
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f8fa8dd7-f5c3-4422-9ede-a8a30ff1cdad.gif
We could launch mannequins into the Prestons' Jacuzzi.
jacuzzilaunch
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Uh-uh. It's not good enough.
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We could get a squirrel to dive off it into a cup of water.
divesquirrelwater
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bc5672c7-eaca-4850-be7a-a991de364ee8.gif
Not good enough.
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Not for her.
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9fe8526e-1952-4212-acba-199d96ee815c.gif
Not this old beauty.
beauty
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bdf0c089-5264-4b6b-94f1-6a5ca9f50c77.gif
Well, how about if we got a vat of Jell-O...
jell
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be0dd1c0-a595-45ed-86e2-3ec3442ae260.gif
No! It's not good enough!
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783bde87-df39-4f0a-b3f5-b936dd9454f1.gif
I got it!
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6cdd3ccf-dae9-4bb0-862c-3ca219dec131.gif
We take a dog,
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f3826db2-f39e-4a38-a5c7-9cb848d155d7.gif
tie him to a bicycle...
bicycle
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8e40244e-98e4-46f3-a225-d9dd09fc0355.gif
No! It's just not good enough!
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c77c4609-5fe9-438d-85df-5258cbd3ba48.gif
Mom's home early!
earlyhomehome-earlymoms
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9224b635-e7bf-437a-b5c2-d99a91318642.gif
You do not pinch, you do not poke,
pinchpoke
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dbca630f-2e54-4d23-8d50-2257c52f8996.gif
you do not bite, you do not spit,
bitespit
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you do not eye-gouge, you do not vomit
gougevomit
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e337707e-1b29-472e-95c9-ceb44dd7a29c.gif
intentionally on other babies!
babiesintentionally
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382d7b24-849f-4009-b31c-24305ad4fbcf.gif
A lifetime ban from Gymboree!
lifetime
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961442c6-b62a-4328-87d7-6fe9728f1d9e.gif
A lifetime ban!
lifetime
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7a2369be-4d74-4c32-b654-0a5e2ffdb689.gif
I can't believe it.
believe
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41aadb17-6279-4587-a481-aa80e9f68900.gif
She didn't even see the board.
board
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76120b1b-06c0-4328-8aa0-675dcec3a86a.gif
This is a sign we were meant to have this.
meantsign
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0893b2e6-9ddb-42f7-b034-f25cd935e074.gif
We were meant to do something really, really great with you.
meant
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d88f4272-7a8f-4e16-9ce4-7f2a53ee09d3.gif
It'll come.
itll
↓
fd347c95-2ad4-4627-9b15-301e1b6abc23.gif
We just have to be patient.
patient
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08f275af-8665-44d4-8006-6f5daa3f4466.gif
No!
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This is Mommy's purse! You can't have it!
mommyspurse
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d751fd2f-f880-4244-8f04-cab2b20df68c.gif
Please,
↓
00dc2c64-2b83-4798-a943-ff273ef86d26.gif
it's the only thing in the house that's Mommy's!
housemommys
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032538fe-7107-4bc2-a714-f46848649781.gif
Lois...
lois
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b923e6bd-84dc-43eb-a331-dacefbe62735.gif
Well, he has a million toys.
milliontoys
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783e241f-6357-4eaf-a27d-ab322cb4937f.gif
Why does he only want to take my things?
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b04e1420-895b-40cc-878c-0d20d5b62164.gif
Honey, honey, you're taking this too personally.
honeyhoney-honeypersonally
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80a92898-f90a-4dd3-a7f4-ba7ac30d2db0.gif
He doesn't understand what he's doing.
↓
e683e4c8-4a1c-4446-a11c-11c028680315.gif
He's just a baby.
baby
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17c50988-f4fa-4219-9472-4f69b147cdc0.gif
Look, if you just give it to him,
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e998d8fd-b45d-412b-82b1-2cee113acd34.gif
for just a couple of minutes,
coupleminutes
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13bbfea2-0a42-495a-9dd6-b8c3ae254e8d.gif
- he'll get tired of it. - You're right.
tired
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543acf01-c27f-4d53-83af-15ab01237827.gif
I guess I was just feeling that, if I gave in to him,
feeling
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fd260cd3-d670-4811-ad86-e4a1befb93a5.gif
he'd see it as a sign of weakness.
signweakness
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ab295c54-77db-4c07-aefd-39a274b165ae.gif
- I'm going to stop this right now. - Yeah.
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7140171b-ac01-45e8-8a88-bb9bf39f3b78.gif
Here, sweetie.
sweetie
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ca073dac-b4ac-4d3c-b2a0-8f82bb78d4ab.gif
Mommy's purse.
mommyspurse
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a0fa15e6-d420-4423-834d-37221f80ee2e.gif
You can have that for five minutes, okay?
fivefive-minutesminutes
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a02d8881-af13-445b-a66f-fb330b7097e9.gif
I thought you said he wasn't eating anything.
eating
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a5bbdb4e-bc8e-489e-8270-bbc91d009316.gif
It's mocking us.
mocking
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2d591022-f972-4ed1-94b0-ff724a414661.gif
It's a ten-foot-tall springboard that we got for free,
footfreetall
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c197d53d-8943-4e17-9038-d1c341a86f9e.gif
and we can't think of a single thing
single
↓
9e3e88fd-4ebf-4986-8175-54ac84f4450e.gif
that's good enough to do with it!
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ffd67458-042b-4e2b-bf43-b9e3f32cf165.gif
I bet it belonged to some other family
belongedfamily
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f44530a0-33d8-42b0-90cd-c6478cdb2c77.gif
that went crazy because they couldn't come up
crazy
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with anything to do with it.
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5c88c2e7-3fea-4176-9e08-2938166159cb.gif
They probably just sat around, staring at it for months,
monthsstaring
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until they finally snapped and started eating each other.
eatingfinallysnappedstarted
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ebd9921b-378a-4a4b-a2fc-8e24c0800e1f.gif
Damn it, we're better than this! I know we are!
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37e7c24a-780d-4d1c-b0db-ea4d986c6aa8.gif
Remember that squashed groundhog we found on the highway?
foundhighwayremembersquashed
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35b36d83-124e-42cc-94ff-b7695792ae60.gif
We came up with a hundred things to do with that,
hundred
↓
1e46d83c-a153-4d79-b0ae-1b1337bedb89.gif
from the horrible to the beautiful!
horrible
↓
ec50aeb0-3db8-4a80-acac-f0f24f8a47bd.gif
I miss Flatty.
miss
↓
aa503969-0abb-4a8b-9bc5-8ea8c563c454.gif
Maybe we're just going about this the wrong way.
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eab3616a-7cfe-4f86-b21e-4bd457389b5b.gif
We have to think outside the box.
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488fe3a8-61a5-42ac-8178-6a96ad783e55.gif
If you were a diving board,
boarddiving
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97ad1e6a-d97f-41c5-b6c6-6ea623d72fee.gif
what would you want someone to do with you?
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8a25f880-205a-4bfe-b4cc-14db9b4f850e.gif
Take me ice-skating.
skating
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Don't be an idiot.
idiot
↓
675d994b-8588-40d5-a1eb-a158d47a4f57.gif
That place is freezing, and it's always so crowded.
crowdedfreezingplace
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5d4d557b-2ae8-4118-925d-50260e928629.gif
Yeah, but they have good hot dogs.
dogs
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896a5763-0361-4593-9f7f-d5e52acc1f0a.gif
Those hot dogs suck
dogssuck
↓
f3e60cbb-2848-45b3-821f-40419a19801d.gif
compared to the ones at the train station.
comparedonesstationtraintrain-station
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d3a267d2-397f-4c8b-ac6e-ccf16483d425.gif
Why would a diving board
boarddiving
↓
3f1da44b-6301-4b46-8da7-328856ed826a.gif
want to go to a train station?
stationtraintrain-station
↓
fa62b915-6dce-4ea2-ac5c-0aded3f1a8f6.gif
How should I know?
↓
b5ce0fd6-81c7-4cb4-9a25-451fa3618153.gif
Maybe he wants to visit a relative.
relativevisitwants
↓
24ac4f03-d565-4f97-a338-8511d31e1ba6.gif
Okay! Okay! Back in the box.
↓
a47f4dea-2ef6-4d0c-9fee-e0391a09ebe3.gif
Jamie doesn't have to eat his peas anymore.
anymorejamiepeas
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406ad768-1e3d-43ee-ac03-ad0fc130caf5.gif
He can eat whatever he wants because Mommy surrenders.
mommywants
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b4c35223-d0e9-497d-b642-f5ada09da96a.gif
Mommy has a tiny pony for Jamie
jamiemommyponytiny
↓
e4526b13-bd5d-42dc-8ddd-a02287235317.gif
who wants to hug him and give him yummy candy corn...
candycornwantsyummy
↓
f9abe41b-d4f0-46e4-ad73-cba62d8022ce.gif
Mmm! I'm delicious!
delicious
↓
55a9c0ae-1038-489c-841b-a7600c113128.gif
Is there a big boy who could eat me?
↓
b06c341b-8e04-4f41-bc33-29b0dfdb46ee.gif
Gotcha, you little...
gotcha
↓
9abd68e0-8471-4855-ba25-cbb161ed12b8.gif
Jamie tries to kill Mom,
jamiekilltries
↓
97123065-dc11-4f4c-915f-137215744d7b.gif
and we're the ones who have to clean it up.
cleanones
↓
0b30e615-03f7-4a58-88a1-8cd13d1a95e5.gif
You want to tell me how that's fair?
fair
↓
3e18e231-60df-40ff-a5e3-7920c5326bd7.gif
You gotta give that kid some credit.
credit
↓
56915904-af9c-4af3-bb46-165978882998.gif
It's the closest any of us actually ever came.
closest
↓
056cac4a-55c3-4c9d-9943-ef5ac7632728.gif
Yeah.
↓
1a4ba419-9a22-423d-9165-0a0e4bf343e7.gif
Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?
jamiesatan
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95c08e1c-e010-4b86-a635-2e7843795e25.gif
No. If he was, we'd have a way better house.
house
↓
28d6c868-0451-4e76-b577-2bb79eae07f3.gif
You're the one, Jamie.
jamie
↓
3c585726-dcf9-4321-9c25-f847e2f8a2fa.gif
Show me the way!
↓
bee2661a-90a4-47f1-b0ee-f96e244921be.gif
There's a lot of things I can handle.
handle
↓
a1965432-052c-41df-b225-106941fb7383.gif
A lot of things I've managed to survive.
managedsurvive
↓
0bff7fc5-de59-4b3e-97c1-0a2787e793f8.gif
I'd even say I've thrived
↓
5010466d-fb39-40eb-9172-4f3af18aba04.gif
where others would have just thrown in the towel.
othersthrowntowel
↓
6c8ee990-3f3c-4afd-8113-7165fe99e3fc.gif
Yes, honey, you certainly have.
certainlyhoney
↓
2f2819f6-20b1-4231-bcf7-9f9901c5067b.gif
Now, relax, and let the bubbles do their work.
bubblesrelax
↓
db012a2d-7b2e-4ead-b31a-0907ba759a6d.gif
Soothing... sooth...
soothing
↓
e7bf92a9-29a1-45e2-b337-6492de254553.gif
Dad, we finished...
finished
↓
ec53b064-d2bf-498b-a758-350e587a72e8.gif
I told you to stay the hell
↓
8364e558-416a-4873-9ca3-237785157efd.gif
away from this bathroom until I said so!
bathroom
↓
2420473a-6331-4e30-85a3-6420b4880b5a.gif
This is a child-free zone until further notice!
childfreefurtherfurther-noticenoticezone
↓
6db1a7f7-8719-42e1-b438-3cee889cca47.gif
Soothing... soothing...
soothing
↓
a1e14bf8-3c50-4351-a486-75c5845318db.gif
You know what, Hal?
↓
0afe3478-2754-42f7-b537-305032c234a7.gif
I'm done.
↓
79c3dfb2-50ea-418d-97a5-3597e714c06c.gif
I give up.
↓
fc907b6e-1d92-4905-adf8-9d038cedc418.gif
What are you talking about?
↓
60d9ffff-8489-41e7-875f-688588d3e175.gif
Jamie wins. He beat me.
beatjamiewins
↓
dd1de2da-77be-47a8-97a9-429c97d72968.gif
All those years,
years
↓
31792262-d1ff-4817-abfc-3c036319ae59.gif
all those terrible things those kids have done--
kids
↓
bf729ddd-a88f-482c-9b6d-f587cffa1be4.gif
it hasn't made me stronger-- it's just worn me down.
strongerworn
↓
5ca58a73-ba6e-49ed-bc8a-47466ac92955.gif
Like termites eating away at a house
eatinghouse
↓
9d9d6d37-3426-43d4-8b42-079124c87327.gif
until all that's holding it up is paint.
holdingpaint
↓
c0991203-cd36-4f10-8f94-f9dd832bde6f.gif
I'm just paint, Hal,
paint
↓
671b61b7-5e5c-4cc4-acc0-1890e5efd0cf.gif
and Jamie knows it.
jamieknows
↓
4c4cfb5b-de91-4184-8757-86bd10742af4.gif
You'll do a better job than I can.
↓
eb321cab-f0c5-445f-98fb-a9b9f9e68e14.gif
I trust you.
trust
↓
afb4783a-e3e5-4c67-bcbc-766fce3f1241.gif
No, no, no.
↓
500e84f9-63d2-4346-81a9-fc3f4726efca.gif
No, no, no!
↓
ea86d7ea-eea6-4b91-be96-d185539eb5b9.gif
You can't leave me alone with those kids!
alonekids
↓
246173eb-ffab-4ad5-9b07-0be76ec3cec1.gif
We had a deal, Lois!
deallois
↓
8c2443e3-5b22-4c26-b8ad-222f0146fef6.gif
You are in charge
charge
↓
61a26f92-6d1f-46e2-9f57-90a446b87d89.gif
of the spiritual and emotional development,
developmentemotionalspiritual
↓
0230de84-ec94-4282-89c7-cabe56a8e84d.gif
discipline and scary injuries.
disciplineinjuriesscary
↓
56810e47-91eb-4519-8e69-1e50f817fd18.gif
I kill spiders, mark their heights on the door frames
doorheightskillmarkspiders
↓
cc970b6e-864f-4991-9723-47595779d503.gif
and supply car snacks.
snackssupply
↓
6294bf81-57c4-4411-9962-80af2277a8ff.gif
You walk out now and the whole system falls apart!
apartfallssystemwalkwholewhole-system
↓
852a6ba5-95e2-4d20-b000-aab6452193c2.gif
I can't do it, Hal. I don't want to.
↓
08a9eadb-733f-44a1-83d4-6b2925e4444a.gif
I don't have it anymore.
anymore
↓
08fc40bb-2826-4a3f-86d4-80919505e827.gif
I mean, it's normal, right?
normal
↓
4a7640e8-e91f-46b0-bf6d-553102586ad4.gif
People give up. They quit.
quit
↓
64506862-c320-4b18-a7bf-d4593634534e.gif
Lois, you listen to me.
lois
↓
9fe0ddcf-8f6d-4921-bef4-e5ff107d6dea.gif
No one is as good as you are.
↓
e0c22d62-b6cc-4b6a-974b-4b5d74deed8d.gif
You took those vicious little fiends,
vicious
↓
aae5c605-fc60-49b5-83b9-c3608759bc85.gif
and you twisted and crushed them into submission.
crushedsubmissiontwisted
↓
bfb51c54-0018-4efa-8631-e5470944c208.gif
And you didn't do it because you had to.
↓
d28cee3d-af98-4229-94fb-7d6682e3268c.gif
You did it because you loved the game,
gameloved
↓
2a76a7f8-5f63-4cfd-8a1f-2655802f2585.gif
and it was beautiful!
↓
447da514-beb3-4828-9242-648db008d32e.gif
I just don't have that anymore.
anymore
↓
22c74e71-648c-4564-a965-efd4445a245b.gif
Honey, yes, you do. I know you do.
honey
↓
bab86f17-9671-4378-8b61-9882157f2f06.gif
You've just lost your way a little.
lost
↓
ec472db9-5068-4ab2-801e-18345bc3088b.gif
You just need to think.
↓
9a3d2e83-c8ec-4bc6-a527-5508cc17dbc3.gif
Think back to the first time
↓
1dcb9b42-c52c-41a5-a1c1-6038a8278551.gif
you found that spark.
foundspark
↓
9b4b8c20-3e01-40fb-a3c1-7e32aa7a5e07.gif
There's got to be some way to remember.
remember
↓
33e3efc1-4a7c-4459-9a68-67ebe20fb4e0.gif
And I'm going to help you.
↓
61eed4d7-5ccb-412a-912b-5315a9a9bdea.gif
So, here I am.
↓
e30454f6-3c12-468c-ba1d-3a8f7a5a60e4.gif
Dad said you needed some help on something?
needed
↓
0db79282-0408-4b72-ba20-3b4f5b995bbe.gif
Francis, your father and I are trying
fatherfrancis
↓
8598c4f8-4694-4c17-82f5-9798e2a73927.gif
to remember something, and we really need your help.
remember
↓
da674e60-85da-4d8a-b31e-dc94a94b281d.gif
We'd like you to think back to your earliest memories.
memories
↓
8b5c4828-e8f1-4f66-b101-d5b238ab8b58.gif
What's this all about?
↓
ac0b265d-340f-42d0-b8d6-eecb5cff4fa5.gif
Mind your own business. Just do it, will ya?
businessmind
↓
d56b207b-6886-4472-a37b-f5c650b51fe6.gif
You've got to be kidding me. My childhood was a nightmare!
childhoodkiddingnightmare
↓
462a283b-1aff-45bc-8046-e07dd4bed5fe.gif
I've spent the rest of my life
liferestspent
↓
82d64f0b-0f93-4e2e-aab7-503ae95c7f1a.gif
trying to board up that haunted house.
boardhauntedhaunted-househouse
↓
37142a1d-0697-476e-a328-62050f1c2867.gif
Francis, this is important.
francis
↓
04407600-c2cd-4b79-ac8b-85da639c0887.gif
I really need to remember something,
remember
↓
a530414a-7cd3-4f88-a2f1-13fb1a8bc82f.gif
and I don't know what it is.
↓
d1f5b410-4074-4087-b29c-d50846257626.gif
But, please, you're the only one
↓
2f55ce44-81eb-4b72-a9e5-3d3e23a624ec.gif
who can help me.
↓
14471ee6-397f-42a2-8ae5-a6a804078d8e.gif
My earliest memories...
memories
↓
07832098-ee1d-401b-bb1a-518161d8f370.gif
It's kind of vague.
vague
↓
26a5d4c1-8f6c-400b-87c8-f39db93d58da.gif
I remember we had that apartment...
apartmentremember
↓
50c2d07d-dcbe-4c3a-b5d4-deff1bad433d.gif
I remember it being really colorful.
colorfulremember
↓
2cf6391d-4ef2-4b24-b588-55f82ae04797.gif
Come on, Francis, honey.
francishoney
↓
924fe3c6-2a3e-4c4a-8772-43bb8ed62cb2.gif
Please, won't you eat anything?
↓
15e60a7d-1ca6-499d-938d-30a1934370fb.gif
We've tried the carrots, and the peaches,
carrotspeachestried
↓
f5aa6b88-bb9b-41da-9dc4-5c8069abafc1.gif
and the oatmeal, the apples, huh?
applesoatmeal
↓
2730d117-cef9-4a4b-94a4-3382891912d8.gif
Don't you like anything?
↓
e2a0fcd0-4c3a-4f41-b99b-a15e79b7085e.gif
Lois!
lois
↓
65daa01f-4123-4d2b-ba1d-8bb92de7722d.gif
Would you like to know what your son did
↓
c207db42-ff3d-4e5d-97ba-41d9e61cb72b.gif
to my director's cut of The Eyes of Laura Mars?
directorseyeslauramars
↓
01797267-b180-4bb5-a99f-a539b13d59f9.gif
He also shaved a hole
holeshaved
↓
61478954-20aa-4764-a1f7-838f1a11975f.gif
in the carpet with my new Norelco!
carpet
↓
92331c91-a06f-4cda-b2cd-0c03bfcb328c.gif
I'm sorry, Hal.
↓
1704c670-0efb-401f-be97-0dd52399a0f5.gif
I asked him very nicely not to play with it,
askednicely
↓
b9aa9a9b-3074-4fe9-8fde-9c913518e2e3.gif
but he just wouldn't listen.
↓
ea72cbb3-cadf-4a13-a419-ff5e4a177812.gif
I can't get him to do anything.
↓
9995b7db-74e2-45e8-818e-bb068b1c4c04.gif
I've read Dr. Spock and Piaget and Eisenberg,
read
↓
27019233-b957-4ec7-a24d-03d791792067.gif
and The Language of Hugs--
hugslanguage
↓
a217c83d-d7c6-4881-8308-e53b3278f6a1.gif
all these books. Nothing's helping.
bookshelpingnothings
↓
c425f353-3ee5-4e06-a0a7-69f590d5c239.gif
What he needs is a little discipline.
disciplineneeds
↓
fd653e0a-45e4-4833-8cfe-6ef4c8ff5cf6.gif
I think he'd behave better if he just ate something.
behave
↓
5876f054-f141-4b68-9e62-d0392ae57295.gif
Look at him.
↓
449c92c8-d1c7-48e4-83aa-b638f0627de4.gif
He's just wasting away.
wasting
↓
badbc02e-c968-4e6b-aa05-42f4fe6ee796.gif
I'm going to give him another Hershey bar.
another
↓
84c9f01e-3015-437f-89fd-ebfea15b16c3.gif
Lois, no! You can't keep coddling him like this!
lois
↓
5d93b649-c4f5-4680-aa95-4c9912af6e1c.gif
I am sick and tired of always having to be the bad cop
havingsicktired
↓
dc3c691d-84db-425d-92c0-2e4ad23d63ad.gif
because you're constantly giving in to him.
constantlygiving
↓
c9f9e336-f1fd-400c-a0f4-b967c5cbd408.gif
Okay, Hal, I'll try.
↓
22943145-a238-4c68-95c4-5fd4f105f9dd.gif
You keep saying that, and then you do it again!
↓
b8a14aa8-972d-40de-a6df-73a8b27197ff.gif
I'm going to be tougher with him. I promise.
promisetougher
↓
1870863e-fcdf-4a67-b24a-dd0f09233abd.gif
Huh. It's weird.
weird
↓
19a610ec-380b-4c4e-a11d-94a6948b6157.gif
I just have this vague feeling of you actually being
feelingvague
↓
4eae15fb-19d1-4a7e-8dee-52d25ae0d5bf.gif
a good mother.
mother
↓
9b1739eb-cbb3-45ea-90dd-49658da80a77.gif
I hate you!
hate
↓
83a7cfad-f4cd-4426-a8c8-0eb0367d839a.gif
I hate you, I hate you!
hate
↓
1986af00-6609-4104-913b-1cefe9853057.gif
I hate you!
hate
↓
253edd30-1285-44c6-9c4b-b93c3ebff868.gif
Reese, this is crazy.
crazyreese
↓
d922be64-83ed-4ba7-a528-abf66c07a959.gif
You've been staring at that damn thing
staring
↓
b7159e0d-4729-4359-87a1-c5f90158f07c.gif
for four days. We're getting rid of it.
daysfourfour-days
↓
81ca932b-7d87-40bc-b88a-72baecc64e28.gif
No! Wait! I finally have an idea.
finallyidea
↓
316df100-1853-4966-bd23-1e9cc34b417e.gif
- What is it? - I'll have it in a second!
second
↓
88f24ea9-323b-4174-8a8f-7b1b5c5b8050.gif
Just wait!
↓
9d95dd73-803e-4ca1-8ea9-df6464e77383.gif
It's over, Reese.
reese
↓
97ef26b5-43a4-4d72-a9f2-2cbd1e707888.gif
Once the board's gone, things should go back to normal.
boardsgonenormal
↓
21f50844-7b50-4dce-9a87-db68c46b5f6a.gif
Did you know that the Newmans
↓
e88363b8-bcd7-414c-8f12-5bbdc6b5af18.gif
put a statue of a naked guy on their front lawn a week ago?
frontfront-lawnlawnnakedstatueweek
↓
769f0ebe-6437-4c19-8a3b-5154cd92f5bc.gif
We should be ashamed of ourselves.
ashamed
↓
51dc6809-bd06-49d4-b692-51f678651e43.gif
No! We are not getting rid of this!
↓
b5da5235-2b44-4f3a-9304-69f82ba0a2ca.gif
Reese, what is the big deal?
dealreese
↓
54e93816-1d54-464e-8328-d4d54e449187.gif
What is so special about this board?
boardspecial
↓
ac2505a4-30c9-48e2-b37b-6c1f913daf3c.gif
I think it's my last time.
↓
fce137f6-8e35-46c1-984c-b2d6fe6a359e.gif
Last time for what?
↓
7ff1e01d-6237-4e41-a24a-ac98f2347fd7.gif
For anything stupid and reckless and fun.
funrecklessstupid
↓
5c63f0cd-847c-4f4b-a930-503d213456ec.gif
Maybe it's because
↓
e52ca2c4-5e09-45dc-9492-eecbd9fc53de.gif
I'm almost 18 now,
↓
76692c96-a2bb-47da-bcd6-0f37dad311d0.gif
but lately I've been hearing this voice in my head that says,
headhearinglatelyvoice
↓
662f16b2-2614-4aba-9355-af572e88af9c.gif
"That's dangerous. That's stupid.
dangerousstupid
↓
76a850c7-ca34-4ff3-b36a-7bc6cf6f5f3b.gif
You're gonna hurt yourself."
hurt
↓
eb0a9cf0-7bf5-44de-820a-7d62f5c25029.gif
And the old voice--
voice
↓
5fa31f77-8066-4b3e-8253-d88c6f7ffe43.gif
the one that says, "This is fun. Do it anyways.
anywaysfun
↓
c039bff6-e7da-48da-bf52-af72d02bd7b6.gif
They'll figure out how to save you."--
figuresave
↓
38841aa6-0310-483d-855b-6b331f8775c1.gif
it just gets quieter and quieter.
quieter
↓
fc597595-f4e2-4bc9-8528-2de09fca6102.gif
Pretty soon I won't be able to hear it at all.
able
↓
ecd97c4e-4adb-4883-a913-b27b607801df.gif
But before it dies,
dies
↓
f2ea59f5-0288-42a5-82e8-dc3b38f974ec.gif
I want to say good-bye to it the right way.
↓
8c0b6bed-374f-4bba-95c6-17e0a5d9eb47.gif
We'll give it the best send-off
bestsend
↓
06593b32-440b-4c0c-92ab-cd4f91a07f09.gif
any crazy voice could ever ask for.
crazyvoice
↓
ed07c5a0-6245-474c-bc94-11f810036adb.gif
I'd do it for mine.
↓
80ff3acc-7b28-4068-8661-44aaba053e2b.gif
Right around the time
↓
4160cdb1-4923-4509-aba8-00fbfdf72e1d.gif
I was starting to walk, there was some kind of...
startingwalk
↓
5b4f420b-3e93-4103-8aeb-caefe67673a9.gif
Uh...
↓
5c210ae8-72a0-4ad8-8aaa-b0b67ce2a163.gif
I don't know. Let's stop. I want to stop.
↓
ba172e98-4547-4b1c-88cb-71dcc042f5ac.gif
Honey, please, keep going. You can't stop now.
honey
↓
bd01f3b7-97f7-481a-80d4-ae51b07101a1.gif
No! I don't want to.
↓
6d2a48fb-254b-41d2-8af0-e8e98fe71964.gif
We've been sitting here for five hours.
fivefive-hourshourssitting
↓
157a14ee-4e76-4d3b-80a6-23748cd7ceb1.gif
Why are we doing this, anyway?
↓
217d6dbb-f609-47a0-9f2d-ba5d6449516d.gif
Francis, please. I think we're really close.
closefrancis
↓
d6810bc0-514b-40f2-8816-ed0ad802fb9e.gif
Just one more time.
↓
f4917863-c68f-46ec-bfa8-972c82df2665.gif
Well... I kind of remember
remember
↓
084c601a-931d-46ea-8738-e82e8e542a14.gif
that Frisbee game we used to play...
frisbeegameused
↓
bf24746f-1f09-4304-97f4-5cc73e4a13c8.gif
Okay, honey. Maybe we'll eat later.
honey
↓
13355a4b-1d72-44ed-9311-ead44d1e36b9.gif
Lois, did you see what he did in there?
lois
↓
6375afd4-f0c1-4d49-9ce3-566086934d68.gif
He used my tennis racket
rackettennisused
↓
93298e62-912d-4fcf-a266-55da132b66f2.gif
to smash my camera and all my lenses to bits!
bitscamerasmash
↓
fd867dc4-aefd-40ae-b1fc-de73eec040ce.gif
I still had film in it from the US Festival!
festivalfilm
↓
ba9cd4bd-0d1d-4d1c-8929-36c26e6896ef.gif
Where is he?
↓
83c12fc9-ad07-47ed-97be-e2b9f90b6bdf.gif
Hal, it's not his fault!
fault
↓
89e68fa5-2c8b-4884-8b1f-0c7d53d64a6b.gif
I'm pretty sure he's working through
working
↓
fc010ded-d7e3-4284-a208-6c6b74118b26.gif
a limitation-anxiety phase.
anxietyphase
↓
d88f79e6-bddd-4a42-bcf5-94290f141193.gif
All the literature says this is the age where he's trying...
literature
↓
d21bb159-b715-4560-9613-c971b597d6be.gif
You cannot undermine me every time I try to discipline him!
cannotdisciplineundermine
↓
4c9d96bd-739b-4dea-83f5-7c839ae1b673.gif
I can't help it. He's so small and helpless.
helpless
↓
2dd96ef3-14cf-4c89-9d3d-8e53b68beb7a.gif
I can't take any more of this!
↓
57d18072-250a-4853-bab6-162eaa472b04.gif
It is tearing our marriage apart!
apartmarriagetearing
↓
966ebe8f-6ca9-4982-b401-d8f7b4298e4d.gif
For his own good, you have got to buckle down!
buckle
↓
333eb403-730b-48e7-84f8-b486c4177f85.gif
Do you understand me, Lois?
lois
↓
fed48ccf-2963-4f2a-b987-45d9d4316b9e.gif
You have to find some way to be this boy's mother!
boysmother
↓
03783629-0afb-4c6a-bce1-c410eeea99b1.gif
Hello, Dr. Sachs. It's Lois again.
lois
↓
b87941d5-6216-4656-aeff-9032b1b18c47.gif
I know I just called, but...
called
↓
9ec27af7-c825-41f6-ac05-2796e0e582b9.gif
my husband yelled at me again
husbandyelled
↓
3968a5fe-25a4-467f-9296-0210b50fdd2b.gif
about being stricter with Francis,
francis
↓
b53a202d-c5c4-4795-ac7e-bc0307b3bacc.gif
and I wanted to know if you could write me a note
notewantedwrite
↓
f66b285c-5623-4046-bb4e-11cb2efaa6bc.gif
saying that yelling at him could damage his psyche?
damageyelling
↓
e064d254-6654-42dc-8ff5-356c43efc140.gif
It's such a tender time for Francis.
francistender
↓
3ec485a2-cf27-4f38-bcc3-f06d21b844fe.gif
He's so fragile and unformed and I just want to make sure
fragile
↓
e96f7a80-ef9b-4a6f-a2b4-dee752a174d8.gif
I get it right, but everything I do feels wrong.
feels
↓
a5fd0c69-9b47-4470-a22c-47bb32151629.gif
If this is all supposed to be so natural,
naturalsupposed
↓
50ab6058-2272-429f-b450-d692b2be50aa.gif
why can't I get this?
↓
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I love him so much
love
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and I want to be a good mother
mother
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and I know I have to be stronger, but I just
stronger
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don't think I can look in his eyes
eyes
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and not give him what he wants.
wants
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He has such a sweet little face, and he's so innocent.
faceinnocentsweet
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I'm going to have to call you back.
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Fire... is... dangerous.
dangerousfire
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Fire can hurt you.
firehurt
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Fire can kill you.
firekill
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I will not let that happen.
happen
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Let me make one thing clear.
clear
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I love you, and I will do whatever I have to
love
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to take care of you, and keep you safe
caresafe
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and happy and alive.
alivehappy
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I don't care if you grow up to hate me, but you will understand this:
caregrowhate
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I will... do... anything.
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That is how much I love you.
love
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Yes. That's right.
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It's coming back to me;
coming
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that sense of strength and power and purpose.
powerpurposesensestrength
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I finally knew who I was, and what I was born to be.
bornfinally
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Honey, you're back!
honey
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Oh!
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I knew you could do it!
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Mr. Fuzzles!
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Thank you, Francis.
francis
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You can go now.
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What? What is it?
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We've got something for you.
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Dewey and I finally came up with something good enough
deweyfinally
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for that insane voice in your head.
headinsanevoice
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Here. Put this on first.
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b2df7e2a-689f-4dbf-96a0-65f4e80ee944.gif
Roman candles?
candlesroman
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Well, that's how they started off.
started
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We decided to give 'em a little more... oomph.
decided
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Do you care if you keep your eyebrows?
careeyebrows
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- Hell, no! - Okay, the fuse is timed
fuse
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for 20 seconds.
seconds
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5d2638f1-d164-4fc1-be05-7006c1693162.gif
You're gonna light it,
light
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fef45214-5119-4e28-9fba-e555369b46f7.gif
and then get up on the board and jump.
boardjump
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adf4cf80-b9cf-4f7a-82ae-148b1fceb626.gif
The rockets should kick in around there.
kickrockets
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They won't give you any momentum,
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but they will ignite that.
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Hopefully, you will land in that kiddie pool.
hopefullykiddielandpool
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We think that's got a 50-50 shot
shot
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of putting you out.
putting
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If the roof doesn't collapse.
collapseroof
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Or ignite.
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And it's all gonna be caught
caught
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on that video camera.
cameravideovideo-camera
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It has a direct feed to the Internet.
directfeedinternet
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You're the featured page on GiantJackass.com.
featuredpage
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This is more than anything I could have ever asked for.
asked
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Nobody deserves it more than you.
deservesnobody
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Should I get the hose?
hose
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Not yet.
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He would've wanted us to wait.
wantedwouldve
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Good boy.
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You finished all your peas!
finishedpeas
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Hey, slugger.
slugger
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Guess what. The clinic called.
calledclinic
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They said my ass was a perfect match for your hand.
handmatchperfectperfect-match
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They can start the skin grafts next week.
skinstartweek
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Reese, what do you think you're doing?
reese
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8e310185-9f51-43b6-9a52-0cd86f8af109.gif
What? He loves the stuff.
lovesstuff
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He goes through three or four cans a day.
cansfourthree
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I don't know how he does it.
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Half a can makes me nuts.
halfmakesnuts