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Malcolm in the Middle

Season 6, Episode 8 โ€” Lois Battles Jamie

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Mr. Hawkins? It's Hal.
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Remember, a few weeks ago,
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in the break room,
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when someone left the tinfoil on their burrito
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and the microwave caught fire
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and the sprinklers went off
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and shorted out all the computers
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and we lost all our database for the last five years?
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Yeah, well, I just thought you might like to know
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who the "slack-jawed idiot" was.
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Dad, Dad, you need four apples, not three!
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You only won another lottery ticket!
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It was Phil in Accounting.
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He feels just awful about it,
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and I wouldn't be too hard on him.
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His wife is a bit of a drinker,
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and she's not particularly faithful...
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I saw her pulling baloney stew out of the freezer last night.
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Don't worry. I stuck a bloody Band-Aid in it before we left.
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Holy crap. Look at that!
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Cool! A diving board!
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And someone just dumped it here for us to find.
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We've got to take it home!
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What are we gonna do with it?
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I don't know. But... look at it!
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and bounce and... and bounce!
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He's right. We need it.
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One, two, three... go!
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Oh, Jamie, this is ridiculous!
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If you want to breathe, you have to open your mouth.
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Ah. See? There's no reason for...
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Now you're just going to have to eat some eyebrow, too.
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Hi, honey.
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This is the same fight as breakfast.
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It's the same jar of peas,
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That baby thinks he's gonna break me,
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but he doesn't know who he's dealing with.
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Hal, I'm not about to lose it with a...
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God. How does he do that?
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Please,
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One last time.
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This is gonna be so great!
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This is the answer.
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What's the question?
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I don't know yet.
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But this is definitely the answer.
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Would you look at this?
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Jamie poured flour in the dryer.
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Now I get to wear a loaf of bread to work tomorrow.
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Oh, you say that with every kid.
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Let's face it, Lois.
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No, there's something different with Jamie.
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He's not like the other ones.
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I'm telling you, I can see it in his eyes.
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Honey, calm down.
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You know how cute he is, with his tush
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all squished up in the air like that...
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- Did you see him? - See who?
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- Thataway! - We're in lockdown!
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This door stays closed
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till you hear the all-clear call.
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The perimeter's sealed.
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He's not getting out this way.
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My jewelry box!
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Jamie, Mommy told you...
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All right, Jamie, you've had your fun.
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Now it's time to give that back to Mommy and go to sleep.
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Jamie... I asked you to give it to me!
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Oh!
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Would you look at this thing?
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It's amazing.
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We've got to come up with something
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really great to do with it.
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What if we tied mattresses to ourselves and jumped off it?
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Nah. We could do that off the roof.
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We could launch mannequins into the Prestons' Jacuzzi.
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Uh-uh. It's not good enough.
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We could get a squirrel to dive off it into a cup of water.
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Not good enough.
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Not for her.
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Not this old beauty.
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Well, how about if we got a vat of Jell-O...
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No! It's not good enough!
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I got it!
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We take a dog,
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tie him to a bicycle...
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No! It's just not good enough!
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Mom's home early!
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You do not pinch, you do not poke,
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you do not bite, you do not spit,
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you do not eye-gouge, you do not vomit
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intentionally on other babies!
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A lifetime ban from Gymboree!
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A lifetime ban!
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I can't believe it.
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She didn't even see the board.
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This is a sign we were meant to have this.
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We were meant to do something really, really great with you.
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It'll come.
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We just have to be patient.
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No!
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This is Mommy's purse! You can't have it!
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Please,
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it's the only thing in the house that's Mommy's!
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Lois...
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Well, he has a million toys.
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Why does he only want to take my things?
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Honey, honey, you're taking this too personally.
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He doesn't understand what he's doing.
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He's just a baby.
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Look, if you just give it to him,
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for just a couple of minutes,
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- he'll get tired of it. - You're right.
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I guess I was just feeling that, if I gave in to him,
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he'd see it as a sign of weakness.
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- I'm going to stop this right now. - Yeah.
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Here, sweetie.
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Mommy's purse.
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You can have that for five minutes, okay?
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I thought you said he wasn't eating anything.
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It's mocking us.
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It's a ten-foot-tall springboard that we got for free,
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and we can't think of a single thing
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that's good enough to do with it!
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I bet it belonged to some other family
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that went crazy because they couldn't come up
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with anything to do with it.
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They probably just sat around, staring at it for months,
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until they finally snapped and started eating each other.
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Damn it, we're better than this! I know we are!
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Remember that squashed groundhog we found on the highway?
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We came up with a hundred things to do with that,
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from the horrible to the beautiful!
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I miss Flatty.
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Maybe we're just going about this the wrong way.
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We have to think outside the box.
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If you were a diving board,
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what would you want someone to do with you?
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Take me ice-skating.
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Don't be an idiot.
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That place is freezing, and it's always so crowded.
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Yeah, but they have good hot dogs.
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Those hot dogs suck
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compared to the ones at the train station.
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Why would a diving board
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want to go to a train station?
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How should I know?
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Maybe he wants to visit a relative.
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Okay! Okay! Back in the box.
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Jamie doesn't have to eat his peas anymore.
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He can eat whatever he wants because Mommy surrenders.
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Mommy has a tiny pony for Jamie
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who wants to hug him and give him yummy candy corn...
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Mmm! I'm delicious!
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Is there a big boy who could eat me?
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Gotcha, you little...
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Jamie tries to kill Mom,
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and we're the ones who have to clean it up.
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You want to tell me how that's fair?
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You gotta give that kid some credit.
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It's the closest any of us actually ever came.
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Yeah.
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Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?
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No. If he was, we'd have a way better house.
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You're the one, Jamie.
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Show me the way!
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There's a lot of things I can handle.
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A lot of things I've managed to survive.
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I'd even say I've thrived
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where others would have just thrown in the towel.
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Yes, honey, you certainly have.
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Now, relax, and let the bubbles do their work.
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Soothing... sooth...
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Dad, we finished...
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I told you to stay the hell
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away from this bathroom until I said so!
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This is a child-free zone until further notice!
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Soothing... soothing...
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You know what, Hal?
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I'm done.
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I give up.
โ†“
fc907b6e-1d92-4905-adf8-9d038cedc418.gif
What are you talking about?
โ†“
60d9ffff-8489-41e7-875f-688588d3e175.gif
Jamie wins. He beat me.
โ†“
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All those years,
โ†“
31792262-d1ff-4817-abfc-3c036319ae59.gif
all those terrible things those kids have done--
โ†“
bf729ddd-a88f-482c-9b6d-f587cffa1be4.gif
it hasn't made me stronger-- it's just worn me down.
โ†“
5ca58a73-ba6e-49ed-bc8a-47466ac92955.gif
Like termites eating away at a house
โ†“
9d9d6d37-3426-43d4-8b42-079124c87327.gif
until all that's holding it up is paint.
โ†“
c0991203-cd36-4f10-8f94-f9dd832bde6f.gif
I'm just paint, Hal,
โ†“
671b61b7-5e5c-4cc4-acc0-1890e5efd0cf.gif
and Jamie knows it.
โ†“
4c4cfb5b-de91-4184-8757-86bd10742af4.gif
You'll do a better job than I can.
โ†“
eb321cab-f0c5-445f-98fb-a9b9f9e68e14.gif
I trust you.
โ†“
afb4783a-e3e5-4c67-bcbc-766fce3f1241.gif
No, no, no.
โ†“
500e84f9-63d2-4346-81a9-fc3f4726efca.gif
No, no, no!
โ†“
ea86d7ea-eea6-4b91-be96-d185539eb5b9.gif
You can't leave me alone with those kids!
โ†“
246173eb-ffab-4ad5-9b07-0be76ec3cec1.gif
We had a deal, Lois!
โ†“
8c2443e3-5b22-4c26-b8ad-222f0146fef6.gif
You are in charge
โ†“
61a26f92-6d1f-46e2-9f57-90a446b87d89.gif
of the spiritual and emotional development,
โ†“
0230de84-ec94-4282-89c7-cabe56a8e84d.gif
discipline and scary injuries.
โ†“
56810e47-91eb-4519-8e69-1e50f817fd18.gif
I kill spiders, mark their heights on the door frames
โ†“
cc970b6e-864f-4991-9723-47595779d503.gif
and supply car snacks.
โ†“
6294bf81-57c4-4411-9962-80af2277a8ff.gif
You walk out now and the whole system falls apart!
โ†“
852a6ba5-95e2-4d20-b000-aab6452193c2.gif
I can't do it, Hal. I don't want to.
โ†“
08a9eadb-733f-44a1-83d4-6b2925e4444a.gif
I don't have it anymore.
โ†“
08fc40bb-2826-4a3f-86d4-80919505e827.gif
I mean, it's normal, right?
โ†“
4a7640e8-e91f-46b0-bf6d-553102586ad4.gif
People give up. They quit.
โ†“
64506862-c320-4b18-a7bf-d4593634534e.gif
Lois, you listen to me.
โ†“
9fe0ddcf-8f6d-4921-bef4-e5ff107d6dea.gif
No one is as good as you are.
โ†“
e0c22d62-b6cc-4b6a-974b-4b5d74deed8d.gif
You took those vicious little fiends,
โ†“
aae5c605-fc60-49b5-83b9-c3608759bc85.gif
and you twisted and crushed them into submission.
โ†“
bfb51c54-0018-4efa-8631-e5470944c208.gif
And you didn't do it because you had to.
โ†“
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You did it because you loved the game,
โ†“
2a76a7f8-5f63-4cfd-8a1f-2655802f2585.gif
and it was beautiful!
โ†“
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I just don't have that anymore.
โ†“
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Honey, yes, you do. I know you do.
โ†“
bab86f17-9671-4378-8b61-9882157f2f06.gif
You've just lost your way a little.
โ†“
ec472db9-5068-4ab2-801e-18345bc3088b.gif
You just need to think.
โ†“
9a3d2e83-c8ec-4bc6-a527-5508cc17dbc3.gif
Think back to the first time
โ†“
1dcb9b42-c52c-41a5-a1c1-6038a8278551.gif
you found that spark.
โ†“
9b4b8c20-3e01-40fb-a3c1-7e32aa7a5e07.gif
There's got to be some way to remember.
โ†“
33e3efc1-4a7c-4459-9a68-67ebe20fb4e0.gif
And I'm going to help you.
โ†“
61eed4d7-5ccb-412a-912b-5315a9a9bdea.gif
So, here I am.
โ†“
e30454f6-3c12-468c-ba1d-3a8f7a5a60e4.gif
Dad said you needed some help on something?
โ†“
0db79282-0408-4b72-ba20-3b4f5b995bbe.gif
Francis, your father and I are trying
โ†“
8598c4f8-4694-4c17-82f5-9798e2a73927.gif
to remember something, and we really need your help.
โ†“
da674e60-85da-4d8a-b31e-dc94a94b281d.gif
We'd like you to think back to your earliest memories.
โ†“
8b5c4828-e8f1-4f66-b101-d5b238ab8b58.gif
What's this all about?
โ†“
ac0b265d-340f-42d0-b8d6-eecb5cff4fa5.gif
Mind your own business. Just do it, will ya?
โ†“
d56b207b-6886-4472-a37b-f5c650b51fe6.gif
You've got to be kidding me. My childhood was a nightmare!
โ†“
462a283b-1aff-45bc-8046-e07dd4bed5fe.gif
I've spent the rest of my life
โ†“
82d64f0b-0f93-4e2e-aab7-503ae95c7f1a.gif
trying to board up that haunted house.
โ†“
37142a1d-0697-476e-a328-62050f1c2867.gif
Francis, this is important.
โ†“
04407600-c2cd-4b79-ac8b-85da639c0887.gif
I really need to remember something,
โ†“
a530414a-7cd3-4f88-a2f1-13fb1a8bc82f.gif
and I don't know what it is.
โ†“
d1f5b410-4074-4087-b29c-d50846257626.gif
But, please, you're the only one
โ†“
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who can help me.
โ†“
14471ee6-397f-42a2-8ae5-a6a804078d8e.gif
My earliest memories...
โ†“
07832098-ee1d-401b-bb1a-518161d8f370.gif
It's kind of vague.
โ†“
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I remember we had that apartment...
โ†“
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I remember it being really colorful.
โ†“
2cf6391d-4ef2-4b24-b588-55f82ae04797.gif
Come on, Francis, honey.
โ†“
924fe3c6-2a3e-4c4a-8772-43bb8ed62cb2.gif
Please, won't you eat anything?
โ†“
15e60a7d-1ca6-499d-938d-30a1934370fb.gif
We've tried the carrots, and the peaches,
โ†“
f5aa6b88-bb9b-41da-9dc4-5c8069abafc1.gif
and the oatmeal, the apples, huh?
โ†“
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Don't you like anything?
โ†“
e2a0fcd0-4c3a-4f41-b99b-a15e79b7085e.gif
Lois!
โ†“
65daa01f-4123-4d2b-ba1d-8bb92de7722d.gif
Would you like to know what your son did
โ†“
c207db42-ff3d-4e5d-97ba-41d9e61cb72b.gif
to my director's cut of The Eyes of Laura Mars?
โ†“
01797267-b180-4bb5-a99f-a539b13d59f9.gif
He also shaved a hole
โ†“
61478954-20aa-4764-a1f7-838f1a11975f.gif
in the carpet with my new Norelco!
โ†“
92331c91-a06f-4cda-b2cd-0c03bfcb328c.gif
I'm sorry, Hal.
โ†“
1704c670-0efb-401f-be97-0dd52399a0f5.gif
I asked him very nicely not to play with it,
โ†“
b9aa9a9b-3074-4fe9-8fde-9c913518e2e3.gif
but he just wouldn't listen.
โ†“
ea72cbb3-cadf-4a13-a419-ff5e4a177812.gif
I can't get him to do anything.
โ†“
9995b7db-74e2-45e8-818e-bb068b1c4c04.gif
I've read Dr. Spock and Piaget and Eisenberg,
โ†“
27019233-b957-4ec7-a24d-03d791792067.gif
and The Language of Hugs--
โ†“
a217c83d-d7c6-4881-8308-e53b3278f6a1.gif
all these books. Nothing's helping.
โ†“
c425f353-3ee5-4e06-a0a7-69f590d5c239.gif
What he needs is a little discipline.
โ†“
fd653e0a-45e4-4833-8cfe-6ef4c8ff5cf6.gif
I think he'd behave better if he just ate something.
โ†“
5876f054-f141-4b68-9e62-d0392ae57295.gif
Look at him.
โ†“
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He's just wasting away.
โ†“
badbc02e-c968-4e6b-aa05-42f4fe6ee796.gif
I'm going to give him another Hershey bar.
โ†“
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Lois, no! You can't keep coddling him like this!
โ†“
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I am sick and tired of always having to be the bad cop
โ†“
dc3c691d-84db-425d-92c0-2e4ad23d63ad.gif
because you're constantly giving in to him.
โ†“
c9f9e336-f1fd-400c-a0f4-b967c5cbd408.gif
Okay, Hal, I'll try.
โ†“
22943145-a238-4c68-95c4-5fd4f105f9dd.gif
You keep saying that, and then you do it again!
โ†“
b8a14aa8-972d-40de-a6df-73a8b27197ff.gif
I'm going to be tougher with him. I promise.
โ†“
1870863e-fcdf-4a67-b24a-dd0f09233abd.gif
Huh. It's weird.
โ†“
19a610ec-380b-4c4e-a11d-94a6948b6157.gif
I just have this vague feeling of you actually being
โ†“
4eae15fb-19d1-4a7e-8dee-52d25ae0d5bf.gif
a good mother.
โ†“
9b1739eb-cbb3-45ea-90dd-49658da80a77.gif
I hate you!
โ†“
83a7cfad-f4cd-4426-a8c8-0eb0367d839a.gif
I hate you, I hate you!
โ†“
1986af00-6609-4104-913b-1cefe9853057.gif
I hate you!
โ†“
253edd30-1285-44c6-9c4b-b93c3ebff868.gif
Reese, this is crazy.
โ†“
d922be64-83ed-4ba7-a528-abf66c07a959.gif
You've been staring at that damn thing
โ†“
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for four days. We're getting rid of it.
โ†“
81ca932b-7d87-40bc-b88a-72baecc64e28.gif
No! Wait! I finally have an idea.
โ†“
316df100-1853-4966-bd23-1e9cc34b417e.gif
- What is it? - I'll have it in a second!
โ†“
88f24ea9-323b-4174-8a8f-7b1b5c5b8050.gif
Just wait!
โ†“
9d95dd73-803e-4ca1-8ea9-df6464e77383.gif
It's over, Reese.
โ†“
97ef26b5-43a4-4d72-a9f2-2cbd1e707888.gif
Once the board's gone, things should go back to normal.
โ†“
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Did you know that the Newmans
โ†“
e88363b8-bcd7-414c-8f12-5bbdc6b5af18.gif
put a statue of a naked guy on their front lawn a week ago?
โ†“
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We should be ashamed of ourselves.
โ†“
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No! We are not getting rid of this!
โ†“
b5da5235-2b44-4f3a-9304-69f82ba0a2ca.gif
Reese, what is the big deal?
โ†“
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What is so special about this board?
โ†“
ac2505a4-30c9-48e2-b37b-6c1f913daf3c.gif
I think it's my last time.
โ†“
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Last time for what?
โ†“
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For anything stupid and reckless and fun.
โ†“
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Maybe it's because
โ†“
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I'm almost 18 now,
โ†“
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but lately I've been hearing this voice in my head that says,
โ†“
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"That's dangerous. That's stupid.
โ†“
76a850c7-ca34-4ff3-b36a-7bc6cf6f5f3b.gif
You're gonna hurt yourself."
โ†“
eb0a9cf0-7bf5-44de-820a-7d62f5c25029.gif
And the old voice--
โ†“
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the one that says, "This is fun. Do it anyways.
โ†“
c039bff6-e7da-48da-bf52-af72d02bd7b6.gif
They'll figure out how to save you."--
โ†“
38841aa6-0310-483d-855b-6b331f8775c1.gif
it just gets quieter and quieter.
โ†“
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Pretty soon I won't be able to hear it at all.
โ†“
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But before it dies,
โ†“
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I want to say good-bye to it the right way.
โ†“
8c0b6bed-374f-4bba-95c6-17e0a5d9eb47.gif
We'll give it the best send-off
โ†“
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any crazy voice could ever ask for.
โ†“
ed07c5a0-6245-474c-bc94-11f810036adb.gif
I'd do it for mine.
โ†“
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Right around the time
โ†“
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I was starting to walk, there was some kind of...
โ†“
5b4f420b-3e93-4103-8aeb-caefe67673a9.gif
Uh...
โ†“
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I don't know. Let's stop. I want to stop.
โ†“
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Honey, please, keep going. You can't stop now.
โ†“
bd01f3b7-97f7-481a-80d4-ae51b07101a1.gif
No! I don't want to.
โ†“
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We've been sitting here for five hours.
โ†“
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Why are we doing this, anyway?
โ†“
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Francis, please. I think we're really close.
โ†“
d6810bc0-514b-40f2-8816-ed0ad802fb9e.gif
Just one more time.
โ†“
f4917863-c68f-46ec-bfa8-972c82df2665.gif
Well... I kind of remember
โ†“
084c601a-931d-46ea-8738-e82e8e542a14.gif
that Frisbee game we used to play...
โ†“
bf24746f-1f09-4304-97f4-5cc73e4a13c8.gif
Okay, honey. Maybe we'll eat later.
โ†“
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Lois, did you see what he did in there?
โ†“
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He used my tennis racket
โ†“
93298e62-912d-4fcf-a266-55da132b66f2.gif
to smash my camera and all my lenses to bits!
โ†“
fd867dc4-aefd-40ae-b1fc-de73eec040ce.gif
I still had film in it from the US Festival!
โ†“
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Where is he?
โ†“
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Hal, it's not his fault!
โ†“
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I'm pretty sure he's working through
โ†“
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a limitation-anxiety phase.
โ†“
d88f79e6-bddd-4a42-bcf5-94290f141193.gif
All the literature says this is the age where he's trying...
โ†“
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You cannot undermine me every time I try to discipline him!
โ†“
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I can't help it. He's so small and helpless.
โ†“
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I can't take any more of this!
โ†“
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It is tearing our marriage apart!
โ†“
966ebe8f-6ca9-4982-b401-d8f7b4298e4d.gif
For his own good, you have got to buckle down!
โ†“
333eb403-730b-48e7-84f8-b486c4177f85.gif
Do you understand me, Lois?
โ†“
fed48ccf-2963-4f2a-b987-45d9d4316b9e.gif
You have to find some way to be this boy's mother!
โ†“
03783629-0afb-4c6a-bce1-c410eeea99b1.gif
Hello, Dr. Sachs. It's Lois again.
โ†“
b87941d5-6216-4656-aeff-9032b1b18c47.gif
I know I just called, but...
โ†“
9ec27af7-c825-41f6-ac05-2796e0e582b9.gif
my husband yelled at me again
โ†“
3968a5fe-25a4-467f-9296-0210b50fdd2b.gif
about being stricter with Francis,
โ†“
b53a202d-c5c4-4795-ac7e-bc0307b3bacc.gif
and I wanted to know if you could write me a note
โ†“
f66b285c-5623-4046-bb4e-11cb2efaa6bc.gif
saying that yelling at him could damage his psyche?
โ†“
e064d254-6654-42dc-8ff5-356c43efc140.gif
It's such a tender time for Francis.
โ†“
3ec485a2-cf27-4f38-bcc3-f06d21b844fe.gif
He's so fragile and unformed and I just want to make sure
โ†“
e96f7a80-ef9b-4a6f-a2b4-dee752a174d8.gif
I get it right, but everything I do feels wrong.
โ†“
a5fd0c69-9b47-4470-a22c-47bb32151629.gif
If this is all supposed to be so natural,
โ†“
50ab6058-2272-429f-b450-d692b2be50aa.gif
why can't I get this?
โ†“
bca5de4f-f163-4626-b645-dc0b8b64a4a4.gif
I love him so much
โ†“
16dd6132-dc40-4958-8519-0ead47d31ba5.gif
and I want to be a good mother
โ†“
c6da5172-098e-4f08-a1bb-43a8646e3a74.gif
and I know I have to be stronger, but I just
โ†“
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don't think I can look in his eyes
โ†“
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and not give him what he wants.
โ†“
ba6354cd-eef9-4835-9150-9565df8dcd02.gif
He has such a sweet little face, and he's so innocent.
โ†“
598c2f4b-815a-4452-be8b-f354b4a552f2.gif
I'm going to have to call you back.
โ†“
fc4728ea-015c-4b79-b17d-681255f504f5.gif
Fire... is... dangerous.
โ†“
d3c3a75b-277f-4eed-8f77-c29efa84b817.gif
Fire can hurt you.
โ†“
67f1f244-97e7-44f5-98e6-410cb4bc639d.gif
Fire can kill you.
โ†“
662ef667-5d18-49de-9ae3-c576fb2a24c9.gif
I will not let that happen.
โ†“
7f1ff94c-b67d-49f6-b290-a7d00e9b9972.gif
Let me make one thing clear.
โ†“
ab34292f-2333-43f1-ae41-7d1d393c7d93.gif
I love you, and I will do whatever I have to
โ†“
783c91c8-9bbc-4abc-aa0a-b00db7ca9cc5.gif
to take care of you, and keep you safe
โ†“
28ec2ca9-7895-44f8-abe6-83f5f2bcd95a.gif
and happy and alive.
โ†“
71f200f7-4ea2-49a7-96fa-a48a60ca232e.gif
I don't care if you grow up to hate me, but you will understand this:
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I will... do... anything.
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That is how much I love you.
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Yes. That's right.
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It's coming back to me;
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that sense of strength and power and purpose.
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I finally knew who I was, and what I was born to be.
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Honey, you're back!
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Oh!
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I knew you could do it!
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Mr. Fuzzles!
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Thank you, Francis.
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You can go now.
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What? What is it?
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We've got something for you.
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Dewey and I finally came up with something good enough
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for that insane voice in your head.
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Here. Put this on first.
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Roman candles?
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Well, that's how they started off.
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We decided to give 'em a little more... oomph.
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Do you care if you keep your eyebrows?
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- Hell, no! - Okay, the fuse is timed
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for 20 seconds.
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You're gonna light it,
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and then get up on the board and jump.
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The rockets should kick in around there.
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They won't give you any momentum,
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but they will ignite that.
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Hopefully, you will land in that kiddie pool.
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We think that's got a 50-50 shot
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of putting you out.
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If the roof doesn't collapse.
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Or ignite.
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And it's all gonna be caught
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on that video camera.
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It has a direct feed to the Internet.
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You're the featured page on GiantJackass.com.
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This is more than anything I could have ever asked for.
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Nobody deserves it more than you.
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Should I get the hose?
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Not yet.
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He would've wanted us to wait.
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Good boy.
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You finished all your peas!
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Hey, slugger.
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Guess what. The clinic called.
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They said my ass was a perfect match for your hand.
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They can start the skin grafts next week.
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Reese, what do you think you're doing?
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What? He loves the stuff.
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He goes through three or four cans a day.
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I don't know how he does it.
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Half a can makes me nuts.