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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S06E04 — Pearl Harbor

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 6, Episode 4 — Pearl Harbor

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Episode title: Pearl Harbor
Air date: December 05, 2004
Director: Peter Lauer
Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson
Malcolm and Reese plot revenge after they realize their teenage neighbor has tricked each of them into believing the other is gay. Meanwhile, Hal, tired of competing with a neighbor who always outdoes his Christmas decorations, decides to create his own "holiday" to decorate his house for - Pearl Harbor Day.
Source: TMDB
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Who wants some ice cream?
creamwants
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Who's been a good boy all day
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and deserves some delicious ice cream?
creamdeliciousdeserves
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That's right,
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Jamie gets ice cream...
creamjamie
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That's it, Jamie.
jamie
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He sure loves his ice cream, doesn't he?
creamloves
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...is home to a surprising
homesurprising
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number of plankton species.
numberspecies
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They are...
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This blows.
blows
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Get up and change the channel.
changechannel
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I didn't lose the remote.
loseremote
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You get up and change the channel.
changechannel
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I didn't lose it either!
lose
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So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning.
anothercopsstupidwarning
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We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks
livedneighborhoodthreethree-weeksweeks
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and they still haven't carted him off yet.
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No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here
jessica
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every day like you own the place!
place
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Go back outside and knock.
knock
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And then go away!
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Seriously, what do you have to do
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to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here?
drunkpopped
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He was out on the curb in his underpants,
curbunderpants
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rolling burning trash cans into the street.
burningcansrollingstreettrashtrash-cans
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The sad thing is, we're still the worst family on this block.
blockfamilyworst
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Coming up next, The Strongest Man in the World Competition.
comingcompetitionstrongestworld
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Yes, finally!
finally
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What are you doing?
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Watching House of Style.
housestylewatching
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You don't get to change our TV!
change
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Malcolm, back me up here!
malcolm
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Reese, give her a break.
breakreese
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Why? We live in just as big
live
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a stink-hole as she does.
holestink
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Where do we get to escape to?
escape
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Nice try.
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Dad, I need some help with my homework.
homework
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I don't think so, Dewey.
dewey
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I can't do this with Malcolm.
malcolm
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Dad, don't freak out.
freak
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We had to pick one of our parents.
parentspick
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Can I just watch you for a while?
watch
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Sure. As a matter of fact,
factmatter
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- you can help me with my project. - What are you doing?
project
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Parking jerk or lawn mower jerk?
jerklawnlawn-mowermowerparking
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Huh? No, Christmas jerk! Bill Rendall.
billchristmasjerk
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I string lights; he strings better lights.
lightsstringstrings
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and I look like a jackass!
jackass
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I mean, what kind of sick mind
mindsick
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uses a religious holiday as a weapon?
holidayreligioususesweapon
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Wait. Which one is call-the-cops jerk?
copsjerk
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That's like four of them.
four
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Anyway, I decided to let Rendall
decided
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- Okay. - I'm doing Pearl Harbor Day instead.
harborpearlpearl-harbor
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- What? - Pearl Harbor Day.
harborpearlpearl-harbor
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December 7, 1941.
december
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The opening shot of the Second World War.
openingsecondshotworld
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It's going to be beautiful and dignified and uplifting...
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and it's gonna be all mine.
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- Want to help? - Yeah. It sounds fun.
funsounds
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Nah. I just drew them 'cause it looked cool.
cooldrewlooked
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Jessica, your pasta recipe is terrific.
jessicapastarecipeterrific
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Look at us, eating healthy for once.
eatinghealthy
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Reese, you want some more?
reese
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This isn't even food.
food
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Reese, it's just low-fat.
reese
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by which flavor travels.
flavortravels
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She is a guest in our home, and I think it's delicious.
deliciousguesthome
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She can make me take it, but she can't make me eat it.
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Do you think we should cut up some of these guys
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so there's more body parts floating in the water?
bodyfloatingpartswater
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Nah, that's a little gruesome.
gruesome
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Just melt them with a lighter.
lightermelt
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Okay, I have a little announcement to make.
announcement
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Yeah?
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Well, after six months of scrimping and saving
monthssaving
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Look out world, we're back!
world
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I know how much you boys have sacrificed,
boyssacrificed
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kicking in your paychecks and working extra shifts,
extrakickingpaychecksshiftsworking
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and, well, we thought you guys deserved a reward.
deservedreward
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- Really? - This is great.
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I thought she was going to start charging us for water.
chargingstartwater
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So, your dad and I are taking the whole family--
familywholewhole-family
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and Jessica-- to see...
jessica
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a musical!
musical
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A what?
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A musical.
musical
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From Broadway.
broadway
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It's called Mamma Mia.
called
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They take all those old ABBA songs
songs
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like "Dancing Queen," and "Fernando,"
dancingfernandoqueen
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and stick some story in between.
stickstory
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Oh, my God, you're serious.
serious
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Six partially obstructed seats.
partiallyseats
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At first I thought of treating
treating
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you boys to a rock concert or Motocross
boysconcertrock
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or something like that, but then Jessica told me about this
jessica
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and I thought this sounded perfect.
perfectsounded
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Wow! I mean, I just mentioned it
mentioned
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'cause it was interesting.
interesting
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I didn't think you were gonna take me.
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What a nice surprise.
surprise
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I need your Calculus notes.
calculusnotes
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I couldn't listen to a word
word
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Mr. Jacobson was saying
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in that stupid golf shirt.
golfshirtstupid
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How can a man have nipples that big?
nipples
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What?
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You can hang out here
hang
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if you need to get away from your dad,
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but don't act like we're friends, okay?
friends
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Why are you mad at me?
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Because I stick up for you all the time.
stick
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You turn around and manipulate my mom
manipulate
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into doing something only you want to do.
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Wait. You're talking about the show?
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Let me explain something to you, Jessica.
explainjessica
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My family doesn't have fun. We aren't nice.
familyfun
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And the one time Mom actually does do something nice,
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you hijack it for your own...
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I didn't do it for me, I did it for Reese.
reese
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What does Reese have to do with it?
reese
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You know what he has to do with it.
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No, I don't.
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Please tell me you're kidding.
kidding
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About what?
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Oh, my God.
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You honestly don't know.
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You are actually so self-involved
involvedself
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and narcissistic that you can't even see it.
narcissistic
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- See what? - You know what, Malcolm?
malcolm
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Why don't you try to go for maybe two seconds
seconds
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without thinking about yourself and see what you notice?
noticethinking
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Stop insulting me.
insulting
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What the hell are you talking about?
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And it never even occurred
occurred
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to you to wonder why Reese is so angry all the time?
angryreesewonder
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Why he acts like such a jerk?
actsjerk
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Because he's a jerk.
jerk
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That's right. Just because he's your brother
brother
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doesn't mean you should put any thought into it.
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He couldn't possibly be dealing
dealingpossibly
↓
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with anything weird and confusing.
confusingweird
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He couldn't possibly be afraid
afraidpossibly
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to admit that he wanted to go see a musical
admitmusicalwanted
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because you'd make fun of him.
fun
↓
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Of course I'd make fun of him.
coursefun
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What kind of guy wants to see a Broadway musical?
broadwaymusicalwants
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Yes, Malcolm.
malcolm
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What kind of a guy does want to go see a Broadway musical?
broadwaymusical
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Come on.
↓
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Maybe you're not being selfish.
selfish
↓
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Maybe you're just too scared
scared
↓
4b93d0d0-345e-4a9a-98db-aff63dd1b5ff.gif
where it leads if you think
leads
↓
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about how much he fusses over his hair and his body
bodyhair
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and his gourmet cooking.
cooking
↓
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Some people just don't want
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to see what's right in front of their faces.
facesfront
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Nuh-uh.
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Look, maybe I'm butting in where I don't belong,
belongbutting
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but you're his brother,
brother
↓
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and he should at least be able to count on you for support.
ablecountleastsupport
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Thanks a lot for sticking us with that stupid show.
stickingstupidthanks
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I didn't do it for me, I did it for your brother.
brother
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Malcolm's gay? I knew it!
malcolms
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Wow! Look at it go, huh?
↓
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They may have been responsible
responsible
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for one of the most devastating attacks in American history,
americanattacksdevastatinghistory
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but by God, they make a good toy.
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Is that what I think it is?
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Dad, it's not really...
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I'm just gonna take a little peek.
peek
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"My Dad, My Hero."
hero
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I might have jazzed it up a little.
jazzedmight
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Dewey, everything in this report is just made up.
deweyreport
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b2c3cc35-5d81-4be1-9049-7da7ea09117f.gif
Hmm, every word of it.
word
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I... I never did any of this stuff.
stuff
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Are you sure? I could've sworn Mom said something
couldvesworn
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about you giving your parachute to an orphan in midair.
givingparachute
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You are not going to turn in a paper full of lies.
fullliespaper
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f58bfbee-08ff-442e-b983-9f906562c74b.gif
But, Dad, it's due on Tuesday!
tuesday
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You're just gonna have to find another way.
another
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766e929f-b319-49e2-8dfc-eb8f6b3ab3ec.gif
Let me explain something about heroism, son.
explainheroism
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0213ce57-8ddd-43f0-8cd2-533cb1bbc509.gif
There are all kinds of bravery in the world.
braverykindsworld
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All kinds.
kinds
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You don't have to be a Special Forces Ranger
forcesrangerspecialspecial-forces
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or fight crime in a cape to be a hero.
capecrimefighthero
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There's the unsung bravery of the common man.
braverycommon
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Normal people who prove their courage every day,
couragenormalprove
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by standing up for their families or...
familiesstanding
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being decent to other people and...
decent
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Ooohhh!
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Is it bleeding?
bleeding
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Ow, ow, ow.
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Hey.
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Hey!
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You want half?
half
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I'll fix my own.
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Peanut butter's good, too.
butterspeanut
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3d0bfc6a-a40a-4eb3-9a1b-138daf749f18.gif
Nothing wrong with having peanut butter.
butterhavingpeanutpeanut-butter
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dcd69cd3-af94-44ad-972a-0393fbc7b2f2.gif
What?
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f1420de9-5309-4f0e-b6c7-fdfa144a356f.gif
Just because I'm having ham
having
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doesn't mean you have to have ham.
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68bde263-4b73-4a67-9dfd-b005d832265c.gif
Just because we're brothers
brothers
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0675a727-a24f-4758-9048-a9f3ba211e5e.gif
doesn't mean we have to enjoy the same thing, right?
enjoy
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f8ae4f1a-2296-4bd7-9eba-42b20d04e9bc.gif
Exactly.
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Everybody's different.
everybodys
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fa5d4c9c-a392-4c23-a028-ef683d8a09d5.gif
It'd be stupid if I tried to force you
forcestupidtried
↓
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to like something I liked.
liked
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Right. Plus, it wouldn't work anyway.
plus
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People can't help what they like.
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That's just the way they're born.
born
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I know. Like me,
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I've never liked... ham.
liked
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33021617-9fca-4be1-887d-e57e0cda7246.gif
Really? 'Cause maybe if you tried it...
tried
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60a54f77-d9d6-4525-b3aa-a5b0f1fc20c3.gif
No. But that's me.
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4c462c08-e3c3-499d-94fb-d6ca476f4815.gif
I'm not putting it down or anything.
putting
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86705f59-d00c-48bb-b83c-03ca3644b24f.gif
I hear you.
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a43bba22-768c-4e3a-abf3-75e02462afad.gif
There's no...
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right sandwich.
sandwich
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e3e1c717-15ac-4409-95ef-46ab0c0d5649.gif
So, um... the ABBA thing...
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Should be great.
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Yeah, absolutely. Just great.
absolutely
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Hey.
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Have a good snack.
snack
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You, too.
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Hal, you have to get ready.
ready
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The show starts in an hour,
hourstarts
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and we still have to drop Jamie off on the way.
dropjamie
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636a03f3-e023-438e-a4e4-3000900b55ed.gif
Almost done. Hey, have you seen Dewey around?
deweyseen
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I promised him he could fire-bomb the Utah.
bombfirepromised
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He's doing schoolwork.
schoolwork
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d808283e-58dd-4e31-b38c-1cf2bd3012ea.gif
It was so sweet.
sweet
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e73812d1-4e2d-454e-94e4-cdd0f8389519.gif
He told me this afternoon
afternoon
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ca287811-0782-40df-97ae-d4571f555ca8.gif
he's writing a 300-word report about how I'm his hero.
heroreportwordwriting
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939a65aa-673b-4093-94ce-b56eaa3aa8b1.gif
What a wonderful night!
night
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7aeba211-3677-47af-a48f-7b49649e4035.gif
How could they say the theater is dead
deadtheater
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25907d75-2830-488b-93cd-974d5767ac72.gif
when a spectacle like that
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is being bused all over the country?
country
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9c4d0aeb-f4b6-438b-9241-ac045e54e300.gif
Yeah, who knew you could use the same three chords
three
↓
5e57bd30-0372-4402-8123-fbf4cd12fb82.gif
over and over and people would sit through it for two hours?
hours
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5f24ca9f-425d-40da-bcbc-a649ee2c3a5d.gif
You can be Mr. Fancy Pants music snob if you like,
fancyfancy-pantsmusicpants
↓
dc129119-16ce-4b2d-b1d0-137067356f1c.gif
but everyone else loved it.
loved
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Thank you for including me.
including
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I had so much fun.
fun
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38c1c5c1-ee7c-4244-8872-88a4f93a2f02.gif
Yeah, me, too. I especially liked the part
especiallylikedpart
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where the father was stabbed in the back by his son.
fatherstabbed
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That wasn't in the show, Hal.
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Well, I saw it somewhere.
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I'm glad you boys liked it so much.
boysgladliked
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I've never seen you like this.
seen
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3bf3daf1-c96c-4e49-8716-254e089e99b6.gif
You didn't stop smiling
smiling
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daf3cdd9-43a5-4c3e-ac17-7c922076e351.gif
at each other all night.
night
↓
1c3b2178-3558-4fae-a511-a84f0de7d35c.gif
How could you not love a show like that?
love
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d9d50dc4-1bc1-4f7d-87ad-f064e8b09404.gif
Yeah, nothing creepy about it at all.
creepy
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c2d9a232-436c-45da-83ea-58ceb4f06a1d.gif
You guys want to listen to the CD again?
↓
8fececd4-7c38-4e19-982c-db4acce26f7d.gif
Again?
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d20d5fec-d385-4820-bc29-6a5806207fbf.gif
Oh, yeah. Love ABBA.
love
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3a650ce7-0e18-4151-9f40-fdc6b8c2bd6b.gif
I could listen to it forever.
forever
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b15ac939-413a-4ec3-842e-1502b595ac64.gif
♪ If you change your mind ♪
changemind
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309e09a8-d431-4503-974b-8e02401b8d43.gif
♪ Take a chance... ♪ ♪ I'm the first in line ♪
chanceline
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63621dc4-c412-4a69-9887-6d8c71bba3e3.gif
♪ Honey, I'm still free ♪ ♪ Take a chance... ♪
chancefreehoney
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f518129f-fa69-49aa-a9dc-7959bea6bd1b.gif
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
chance
↓
a9afa7f9-3c03-4266-bc5a-8833a8728435.gif
♪ If you need me ♪
↓
fad7a3ad-9c50-4e27-94e2-15f160366414.gif
♪ Let me know ♪
↓
7db94a29-278d-4474-a231-a1864dd6cb84.gif
♪ Gonna be around ♪
↓
781dc43a-1f6d-4ba4-bef2-2c78b7594fca.gif
♪ If you got no place to go ♪
place
↓
1da1b711-03f0-4b38-ba81-a2b6a585606b.gif
♪ If you're feelin' down ♪
feelin
↓
55baa5df-be66-46fb-88bd-3acb7ecc8f08.gif
♪ Take a chance, take a chance... ♪
chance
↓
822f9b4e-1a8a-4cd7-89c4-35cb08cced54.gif
♪ If you're all alone ♪
alone
↓
4d9c0a4c-6425-4328-b61e-e83ece0eb398.gif
♪ When the pretty birds have flown ♪
birdsflown
↓
52ffbd46-0ffc-46b5-a4e0-5692a4285e5a.gif
♪ Honey, I'm still free ♪
freehoney
↓
ad0d2f09-df68-4333-b3d6-793eba15670a.gif
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
chance
↓
94bd35eb-e809-46ec-90fc-a1bf63605253.gif
♪ Gonna do my very best ♪
best
↓
b4040170-4ab9-4784-95fa-b7f808d96827.gif
♪ And it ain't no lie ♪
aint
↓
47821c9c-2f99-4d0d-ae2e-2562ada7709a.gif
♪ If you put me to the test ♪
test
↓
6c482a9e-2542-4231-ba64-946b617f37ee.gif
♪ If you let me try ♪
↓
2a84577d-6a3a-4db8-bfc6-a2fef343c090.gif
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
chance
↓
7feb6704-74f1-47d7-ab9c-497093fc8291.gif
♪ We can go dancing ♪
dancing
↓
f5a34b2a-a6f8-4d5a-b7c1-f39145248cb3.gif
♪ We can go walking ♪
walking
↓
e89e7247-36a9-4051-b3c7-51e7dfd92b90.gif
♪ As long as we're together ♪
↓
3b1a73a0-6870-4327-a228-1d157a23eddb.gif
♪ Listen to some... ♪
↓
98e94d65-b3e4-420e-84f6-f848439d4453.gif
...and then I said, "You keep your sexist,
sexist
↓
31406df1-a5b9-4c7d-a331-6d802a2426c9.gif
adolescent humor to yourself, Your Honor."
adolescenthonorhumor
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51e0e8ea-c5df-423b-a7a2-a6dce0f903b6.gif
Let's just say two days of picking up trash
dayspickingtrash
↓
c1d0ad6e-a5ab-49c2-a356-795aeb5ea466.gif
on the freeway never felt so good.
freeway
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75005d04-95cc-48d1-9985-1b82cb2f76ad.gif
Wow, all these great stories:
stories
↓
3b96b396-7608-4cc0-ba2c-27e0392ca262.gif
the judge, those bikers...
bikersjudge
↓
96193a1e-ccbf-47a8-8674-ee5d86497fc8.gif
I don't know any other way to say this, Mom,
↓
43cfe7d9-b242-40e2-82e7-770e6ac97fd1.gif
but you're kind of a... bad-ass.
↓
472caa53-e3cf-4ef6-849b-e59b5f45c202.gif
You know I don't appreciate that kind of language.
appreciatelanguage
↓
6aca27e6-30a8-4e97-abcd-1fc66ff607ac.gif
If anyone cares, I'll be in the garage alone,
alonecaresgarage
↓
4bcbee2d-67ed-4f58-9ab4-58a6974c0012.gif
commemorating our heroic stand
heroicstand
↓
570e3aa1-d400-44d3-a92f-b56a7bfcc9c9.gif
against a heartless, back-stabbing,
heartlessstabbing
↓
9ba91d05-875e-4dcd-9729-a6bf86272ed6.gif
traitorous attack.
attack
↓
36df1a94-26c6-46eb-bd7e-6b89fa089e37.gif
Okay, hon.
↓
b3711278-86fd-4132-b6b9-e22d8aeac3d3.gif
Then there was this time at the store
store
↓
ccf3100e-9d62-4396-96e6-a025ab466d3b.gif
with this huge shoplifter, and he...
hugeshoplifter
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55686585-97b4-4af0-b66d-a86100fa91ad.gif
Beautiful Bianca is ready to make the Fashionistas swoon
biancaready
↓
4eadd107-7bb7-452c-949a-ed5bf6bf48e9.gif
in her flowing crepe jumpsuit with open neckline.
crepeflowingjumpsuitopen
↓
2e27c99f-2be7-4741-ae00-76f5798f4210.gif
This is nice.
↓
f31f2a50-6948-4885-8fe5-b7955af187ba.gif
What'd you think of the Versace?
whatd
↓
19a0659c-cb3b-43ca-a110-bed8bd87ad3e.gif
Well, it has a nice drape, and it seems like a...
seems
↓
34435284-e5d4-4153-a496-bc0cda3025b6.gif
kicky look for fall.
fall
↓
b4ec9e18-88cf-4242-8f61-c839219cb8f0.gif
Yeah, I think it's...
↓
0c8fb5df-8d83-4524-a8ef-b68f8bab44ab.gif
yummy.
yummy
↓
67dbbd0e-54f1-4cdc-a13a-f300713c9d79.gif
Okay, you know what?
↓
23235cf1-d70b-4a70-b11b-8f8d3d31d60c.gif
This is stupid. We have to talk about this.
stupid
↓
e03718ab-618f-4afb-9071-cb131eb82a5f.gif
Right. I mean,
↓
6dfe5944-f13e-41a2-a569-53d225134a35.gif
just because it's weird doesn't mean
weird
↓
981331b5-6e31-46ef-933c-0a47bb64b80a.gif
we can't handle it. We're brothers.
brothershandle
↓
6b77fee3-9ffd-435b-8ca7-33bcc6491e6e.gif
Right. We've been through everything together.
↓
c9f23521-98cd-4204-830d-807f7a6fd4c9.gif
We shouldn't be pussyfooting around about it.
↓
3a3fc8a2-949e-41aa-88d1-2811cab3f3f6.gif
I got you something.
↓
dca96f1c-cb5f-42a2-beb6-5c29d62baec7.gif
Hey, I got you something.
↓
9cffa4e2-2ce0-4c85-bc2e-722f9f76428a.gif
Really? See, this is what I'm talking about.
↓
b8ed8cb4-eea2-4011-b5dd-196b29fab431.gif
We're being open and supportive and honest with each other.
honestopensupportive
↓
7d591988-ccdf-49cf-85a3-5f9e049a6e6b.gif
Here.
↓
a4cabe92-d0e6-4167-aad9-e4dba4678b37.gif
What's this?
↓
11b28f80-b0dd-47f7-a8c4-075fa7616f32.gif
It's called "If You're Gay, It's Okay."
called
↓
d3b29752-8c0a-4798-8389-c87ebf867876.gif
It's full of great resources.
fullresources
↓
8845cb49-cbd1-4a81-8fcb-201b4b2096b6.gif
What's this?
↓
17b2359f-8ebc-4b3d-92fd-e66a0da603c0.gif
Naughty Pool Boys III.
boysnaughtypool
↓
c190b64a-7e53-4b41-b260-96d6c5fd13a7.gif
I watched ten or 12 of these, and this one seems
seemswatched
↓
0f54abea-fc9b-408e-b3bb-2983e0620077.gif
to have the most stuff you guys like.
stuff
↓
08f8e054-f2c3-4b03-ac53-3094b3e2f13b.gif
Wait. I'm not gay. You're gay.
↓
f5a099e7-2d1b-43e4-b0fe-377e5a5a2738.gif
No, I'm not. You are.
↓
b943bb0d-966a-4205-86fc-fa56a18ab512.gif
I'm not gay.
↓
4d92aed0-5ef7-4e34-916d-29f9b16f392c.gif
Malcolm, check out what they're doing in that movie,
checkmalcolmmovie
↓
b54b92c3-b9b7-469d-ad20-caaf095b2b58.gif
and then tell me you're not gay.
↓
6cc7c61b-2e60-4652-987e-aba6b1076356.gif
No, this is...
↓
016bf956-92d0-41d1-a09e-1b816c92b201.gif
She said...
↓
7b69e664-2586-4bf0-83a6-92afd04bd208.gif
Oh, my God!
↓
10b358ec-b783-40ed-9a07-0eb1ce7ad12c.gif
You plan, you hope,
hopeplan
↓
2fa83209-183f-46d1-8a0d-1cfd1fb0f79c.gif
but you never think it's going turn out this good!
↓
2b6a7fb3-9d7d-427b-b9b8-b17ec922b25e.gif
Stop laughing.
laughing
↓
8f4c22e5-900c-4480-8c03-57426cb962f3.gif
I don't think I can!
↓
addb9ec0-840b-4e40-baec-0323bd7190b4.gif
When you guys were dancing,
dancing
↓
1022ad68-bba3-496b-8aff-ccff35f6626f.gif
and you did that little...
↓
bf675149-f70c-440c-9a52-607184b1cd8c.gif
Oh, my God, it was so sweet!
sweet
↓
96b2724e-a87b-4000-bdc1-141235101c4c.gif
There's nothing more I can ask for, honestly.
↓
f8f54a54-70a3-4714-896d-335dbd72bfba.gif
You guys make me so happy!
happy
↓
bb6eeb30-54ec-4e8b-aba1-6e0e9fea3cf2.gif
Oh, God, it hurts!
hurts
↓
f62fcfbc-a1bc-4c51-abf5-b5136790236d.gif
Well, I better go drag my dad off the lawn.
draglawn
↓
6cd2a0d5-2695-429d-9b65-d4e7a010dfb0.gif
He likes to fall asleep right next to the toilet.
asleepfallfall-asleeplikestoilet
↓
ad388625-f638-4b5a-92cd-3b0c8ae96050.gif
See you guys at dinner.
dinner
↓
8cb182a5-ed31-4961-adf8-cbfe4142f14a.gif
Vendetta.
vendetta
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How could she be so...?
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Vendetta!
vendetta
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Yes, vendetta.
vendetta
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Reese, I promise, we'll get back at her.
promisereese
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But we have to be careful. She's got Mom totally on her side.
carefulside
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Oh, yeah.
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It's tricky.
tricky
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Somehow, we've got to figure out a way
figure
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to turn Mom against her.
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Okay, got it.
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- What? - It's a little risky,
risky
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but I'll tell you one thing.
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No one calls me gay and gets away with it!
calls
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Wow.
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Dad, it's beautiful.
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Well, I did what I could on my own.
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Yeah.
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Sorry.
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Then he accused me of loving Mom more than him
accusedloving
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just because I wouldn't slash her boyfriend's tires.
boyfriendsslashtires
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I'm so sorry, honey.
honey
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Parents shouldn't put their kids in the middle.
kidsmiddleparents
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Or hit on their friends.
friends
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Boys, come get the groceries.
boysgroceries
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I hope this means we can eat soon.
hope
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Hold it.
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What's that?
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What? That.
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A turtleneck. What do you care?
care
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You don't wear turtlenecks.
wear
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Can I just get the groceries so we can eat?
groceries
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I've got a ton of homework...
homework
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Aha!
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Mom, don't! Who gave you that?
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None of your business!
business
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What is your problem, anyway?
problem
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Can't you go five seconds without butting into my life?
buttingfivefive-secondslifeseconds
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- What? - It wasn't her, Mom!
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I swear!
swear
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You always think you know everything,
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but you're wrong!
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You're dead wrong this time!
dead
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I think you and I need to have a little talk.
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- But I... - Come on.
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When your mom comes out,
comes
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she's gonna want to know
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what I said to you about this.
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Make up something good.
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He did it to me again!
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I suppose you have a good explanation for this.
explanationsuppose
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Not really.
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Lois, I'm sorry.
lois
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I'm not going to lie to you.
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I gave him the hickey
hickey
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to keep him from doing something really stupid.
stupid
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Excuse me?
excuse
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I'm not saying I was smart either, but...
smart
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There's this girl that Malcolm's been chasing,
chasinggirlmalcolms
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and she's really bad news. She's sexually active
activenewssexuallysexually-active
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and I'm pretty sure she's into drugs,
drugs
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and the only reason why he's interested in her
interestedreason
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is because he's so insecure about himself.
insecure
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We got into this fight
fight
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and I was saying that he could do so much better
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and he said that nobody liked him anyway,
likednobody
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and I was telling him that a lot of girls liked him
girlslikedtelling
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because he's sweet and cute and funny,
cutefunnysweet
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and then he kinda grabbed me and we started kissing
grabbedkindakissingstarted
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and I couldn't stop because then he would think
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I was making the whole thing up and...
whole
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I'm sorry.
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I didn't know what else to do.
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Wow, that's a pretty convincing lie for just winging it.
convincing
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I mean, you went a little
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overboard with the crying,
cryingoverboard
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but the basic story was good.
basicstory
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Drug girl was a nice touch.
druggirltouch
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Creepy, a little sad.
creepy
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But how did you...?
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Sweetie, I'm a mother. It's my business to know.
businessmothersweetie
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You've got talent, but I turned pro 20 years ago.
talentturnedyears
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Which isn't to say
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you haven't been useful.
useful
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I never would've been able to enjoy that play in peace
ableenjoypeacewouldve
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if the boys weren't occupied.
boysoccupied
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And the gay thing was very entertaining.
entertaining
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But more important, those two idiots
idiots
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actually treated each other decently for a few days.
daystreated
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Thank you for that.
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So, here's the deal.
deal
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As of today, you are banned from this house.
bannedhousetoday
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You violated my trust.
trustviolated
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I don't want you around my boys.
boys
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Knowing that,
knowing
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they will automatically forgive you and sneak you back in.
automaticallyforgivesneak
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You will be here every day after school until 6:00,
school
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except Thursdays when I work until 9:30.
exceptthursdays
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You will have complete run of the house,
completehouse
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but I want Reese to do his half hour of assigned reading
assignedhalfhalf-hourhourreadingreese
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and Malcolm to complete all his college applications,
applicationscollegecompletemalcolm
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not just the Ivy Leagues.
leagues
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And no junk food. Understood?
foodjunkunderstood
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For how long?
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We'll see.
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"Ice Capades" are coming in a few months.
comingmonths
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Sure would be nice to go as a family.
family
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Do you think we have enough?
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Let's hope so. I cleaned out
cleanedhope
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every bait shop in town.
baitshoptown
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What the hell did you do that for?
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Your stuff was in my spot.
spotstuff
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I would've moved it. Try asking, butt-munch.
askingbuttbutt-munchmovedmunchwouldve
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Right, like you hear anything but the sound of your own voice.
soundvoice
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- Get bent. - Bite me.
bentbite
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I liked you better when we were gay.
liked
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Me, too.