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Malcolm in the Middle

Season 5, Episode 22 โ€” Reese Joins The Army (Part 2)

TMDB episode metadata
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Previously on Malcolm in the Middle:
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I love you.
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I want to break up.
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Welcome to the U.S. Army!
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You are not going to lie to put someone in jail who might be innocent.
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Can't he at least put some pants on?
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Just as soon as we get a good perp walk out of him.
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Your court order says you have to stay within a 50-foot radius.
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My drill sergeant's breath is not my concern!
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I know you're innocent, and I can prove it.
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Make sure you stay within 30 feet of this backpack.
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I want you to explain to these recruits how the worst soldier in the unit
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has managed to put them all to shame.
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I just stopped thinking.
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I'm the world's happiest tool.
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Mom, you've been in there for three hours!
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In a minute. I'm in the shower.
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I think we got a bomb here.
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Sir, I need you to step away to a distance of at least 150 feet.
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I can't do that. I'm-- I'm...
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I'm in the bomb squad.
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โ™ช Yes, no, maybe โ™ช
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โ™ช I don't know โ™ช
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โ™ช Life is unfair โ™ช
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You're not alone.
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Are you sure you don't need any equipment?
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This thing is picking up a lot of vibrations right now.
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I said get back. Do you have a death wish, officer?
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I'm Lieutenant Sortino with the bomb squad.
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with a gravity timer and a percussion fuse.
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I'm off duty.
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Came by to return a book. You've got a better selection here.
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I've got lives to save.
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Whoo! Sure. If you can find him.
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Oh, no! I cut the wrong wire!
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It's gonna blow!
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Tell my wife I love her!
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Two! One!
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See? You don't need grocery money if you're creative.
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I wish I had better news for you, Hal,
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How about my mystery guy?
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He's only got six months to live.
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And he's not imaginary.
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This is pretty much how things have been going around here lately.
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Dad's trial starts tomorrow,
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I think her new hobby's helping her.
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Ah!
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This one's name is Sam Gundlebumps.
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He grew up on a farm where he was friends with a turkey and a duck.
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He can't see very well, so he's always getting lost.
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It'll be okay, Lois. We're gonna find Reese.
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Look, he picked flowers.
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He's going a-courting.
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Right face.
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Left face.
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About face. Right arm windmill.
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Hop on your left foot.
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Teapot.
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About face!
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Forward march!
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He'll do that all day. He's got no more thought than a bug.
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It's enough to restore my faith in the future of this Army.
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I guess those subliminal ads are working after all.
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The Army doesn't use subliminal ads.
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At ease!
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Now, in a few days, we have some very important field training exercises,
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and I wantyou to be my number two,
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because you will obey my every command like some kind of beautiful,
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brainless zombie robot.
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I'd be honored, Drill Sergeant.
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Now, let's go make some bets and march you into the electric fence.
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I saw the defendant hack through the proxy server's firewall
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and delete the SPE files without leaving any tracks.
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I didn't totally understand it,
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but he said the dummy corporation could be used
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You can threaten my children all you want!
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I don't care!
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I had to tell the truth.
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I'll kill you.
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For God's sakes, do something.
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Just be patient.
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There's such a thing as too much evidence.
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Eventually they'll get bored.
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The prosecution calls Gordon Walker.
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That's him. That's my guy.
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I was worried about what I would say when I got up here,
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but deep down, I knew I would have to tell the truth.
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There's a conspiracy going on here,
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and it's all been orchestrated by that man.
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Is he pointing at someone directly behind me?
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Uh-uh.
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And after he shredded the last of the documents,
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he delivered the punch line to yet another racist joke.
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Turns out I'm gonna live.
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They had the wrong X-ray.
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Boy, when you've had a scare like mine, you realize what's really important:
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staying out of jail.
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Good luck.
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We've got to be able to find something to trip one of them up.
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Let's not get our hopes up.
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Mom, I know you've had a rough time,
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and that your little projects are very therapeutic for you,
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but Dad is in very big trouble.
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You have to start helping.
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Honey, I know this is a crisis, and believe me,
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I'm doing everything I can.
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I spent extra money on quick-drying glue,
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so no matter how you shake it, the sequins won't fall off.
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After what happened at Compulsories, Rebecca's really gotta nail
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her long program.
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Those flour bombs just don't do it for me.
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I miss the days when we got to use live ordnance.
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That looked like the movies.
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Tell your men to advance northwest, 20 meters.
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Advance northwest, 20 meters!
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North-northeast, five meters.
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North-northeast, five meters!
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Crap. I'm hit!
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I'm gonna go die over here in the shade.
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Get to the rendezvous point.
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Bravo, lay down cover fire. Alpha, flank right!
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Get to the rendezvous point!
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Bravo, lay down cover fire!
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Alpha, flank right!
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You are really showing leadership, soldier.
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I am really showing leadership!
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I'm allergic to wheat products!
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This is gonna be awesome. You gotta watch, he swells up like a balloon.
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Hey.
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We got a vehicle from Blue Team approaching.
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Squad Leader.
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Intercept that vehicle.
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Yes, sergeant!
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Oh, no.
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Oh, my God, are you okay?
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God, Ilove that boy.
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More Blue Team vehicles approaching, should we run?
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Sergeant. Sergeant.
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Forget the sergeant!
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Just say we can run!
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Sergeant? Sergeant?
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Idiot! Move!
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Reese! Come on!
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Can we go?
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Sergeant? Sergeant?
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Sergeant?
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Sergeant?
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Sergeant?
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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you have heard a staggering amount of evidence
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against the defendant.
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Let me clarify what we now know.
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Three members of the board of directors testified
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that the defendant submitted altered financial statements
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on August 9th.
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The senior VP of Finance heard the defendant
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plot to hide company assets offshore on December the 6th.
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The chief operations officer saw him shredding documents in a stairwell
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on February 21st.
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And on June the 27th,
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the director of IT services testified
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that the defendant showed him pictures of his new yacht
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which he named Above the Law.
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And...
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on July 11th,
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you heard the senior analyst break down in tears
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as he revealed the defendant's scheme
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to bilk the company out of million dollars...
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- What are you doing? - Shh.
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I'm awake.
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I'm trying to get you grounds for an appeal.
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...into an offshore account.
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Mom?
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Are you coming out for dinner?
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I'm just taking Penelope's temperature.
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I think she caught Ambrosia's cold.
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Is Penelope the foreign correspondent or the candy striper?
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No, she's just a homemaker,
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8bcc8968-6f44-43e0-8361-58c0dae9112d.gif
but a big candy company's interested in her taffy recipe.
โ†“
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Can I have the potatoes?
โ†“
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You can have anything you want, son, if you're willing to work for it.
โ†“
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Just reach for the stars and never let go.
โ†“
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I should have told you that a long time ago.
โ†“
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And when you write an angry letter, hold onto it for a day.
โ†“
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You might not feel the same in the morning.
โ†“
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And never invest in a friend's restaurant. Never.
โ†“
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You know, I'm not hungry.
โ†“
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Come on, Dewey, let's go teach you how to shave.
โ†“
d27253ec-787e-4c49-9843-6b8ceb2d8d15.gif
Great.
โ†“
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When you tip a valet, always fold your dollar up real tight.
โ†“
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That way, by the time he sees what he's got, you're down the block.
โ†“
c0c301d5-17ba-4120-8f06-7d6cb1077011.gif
Dad? I made coffee. You want some?
โ†“
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Oh, hi.
โ†“
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I was just singing.
โ†“
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Always have a song in your heart, son.
โ†“
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Thanks.
โ†“
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You know what the worst thing is? I have always hated that job.
โ†“
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I wanted to quit 10 years ago when they started deducting for sick days.
โ†“
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I wanted to quit when they started making us vacuum out our own cubicles.
โ†“
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If I'd have done that,
โ†“
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they'd have found another patsy and I wouldn't have been in this mess.
โ†“
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They should have just fired me.
โ†“
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I was a terrible employee.
โ†“
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I never read a memo, I came in late, I blew off Fridays.
โ†“
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What the hell is wrong with those people?
โ†“
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Just promise me that you'll learn from my mistakes.
โ†“
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- Don't ever settle, Malcolm. - I won't.
โ†“
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I'm gonna go make love to your mother one last time.
โ†“
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I probably wasn't gonna sleep tonight anyway.
โ†“
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Malcolm, we have to talk.
โ†“
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We've been avoiding this, but it's time to face the facts.
โ†“
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We need you to forge Dad's signature on this document
โ†“
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declaring Mom mentally incompetent.
โ†“
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That way, when Dad goes to jail,
โ†“
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you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.
โ†“
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It's funny. I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin.
โ†“
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Life, huh?
โ†“
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I can't fake Dad's signature.
โ†“
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- I do Mom. Reese does Dad. - What?
โ†“
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You should each be able to do both.
โ†“
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What did I tell you about building a little redundancy into the system?
โ†“
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Wait a second.
โ†“
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- Oh, my God. - What is it?
โ†“
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I need to talk to Dad right now.
โ†“
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Maybe I'll wait 20 minutes.
โ†“
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- What were your orders, private? - I don't know. Ask the sergeant.
โ†“
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- Tell us your call signs and frequencies! - I don't know. Ask the sergeant.
โ†“
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We don't have to do this the hard way.
โ†“
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Let's all take a break and relax a little.
โ†“
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You want a glass of water?
โ†“
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- I don't know. Ask the sergeant. - Stop saying that!
โ†“
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This may not be a real war, but I got an extra day's leave riding on this,
โ†“
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and a girlfriend who is in model school.
โ†“
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Model school!
โ†“
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Now, you will talk, or I will make your life a living hell!
โ†“
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You don't think I want to? This sucks! I've been a good soldier!
โ†“
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I shut off my brain like the Army wanted.
โ†“
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Everyone said I was doing great, but I'm not!
โ†“
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I have to help my squad. The guys are depending on me, but I can't!
โ†“
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You know what? I don't care what the Army says.
โ†“
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I'm sick of this! I'm turning my brain back on.
โ†“
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Did it happen?
โ†“
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- Did what happen? - Wait.
โ†“
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I think it's...
โ†“
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No, it's not.
โ†“
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Yes, it is.
โ†“
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Is it? Damn, I wish there was more of a difference.
โ†“
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Look, you can act as crazy as you'd like, because I got nothing but time.
โ†“
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And no one's coming to rescue you.
โ†“
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Not your sergeant, not your squad,
โ†“
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and your mama's not gonna come and wipe your nose and change your diaper.
โ†“
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Mom.
โ†“
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Mom. Of course.
โ†“
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Freak held his breath until he turned blue and then passed out.
โ†“
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Yeah. Whoo!
โ†“
df6140b5-491e-4fb6-952a-53b9ae411171.gif
- Haven't done that in a while. - You okay?
โ†“
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I'm fine. I know how to get us out of here.
โ†“
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That's impossible. Look around. We're in prison, man.
โ†“
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Wrong. We are not in prison. We're grounded.
โ†“
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And there's always a way to get out of being grounded.
โ†“
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You can pry up some floorboards.
โ†“
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Set your bed on fire. There's only two things you have to remember:
โ†“
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You need a diversion, and the little guy gets screwed.
โ†“
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But that's okay. He's too little to do anything about it.
โ†“
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You're gonna have to eat dirt, three pounds of it.
โ†“
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What good's a diversion going to do? We're tied up.
โ†“
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I guess your brothers never tied you up and left you in a dumpster on trash day.
โ†“
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Okay, start eating. It's not fatal, it only looks like it.
โ†“
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We need more shovels! And just get every bucket you can find!
โ†“
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You might want to hike up your pants.
โ†“
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He's got another half hour of this.
โ†“
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Good news, sir. It looks like Red Team's about to fold.
โ†“
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Two squads have been captured,
โ†“
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the others are pinned down here, here, and here.
โ†“
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Okay, now we've just got to sneak the keys out of his purse.
โ†“
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Test, test.
โ†“
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Test, test.
โ†“
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The microphone works. The chair is perfect,
โ†“
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and your hair looks fine, sir. Can we proceed?
โ†“
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Now then, Hal, we've heard a lot of testimony
โ†“
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from people about what you've done at this company.
โ†“
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Why don't you tell us in your own words what kind of an employee you were?
โ†“
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Marginal.
โ†“
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- At best. - Would you care to elaborate?
โ†“
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When you work for a big, impersonal corporation like this...
โ†“
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You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar,
โ†“
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then injects it full of larvae?
โ†“
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It stays alive for weeks,
โ†“
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completely aware, feeling every little bite
โ†“
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as the larvae devour it from the inside.
โ†“
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I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar,
โ†“
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because at least he got to be on TV.
โ†“
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I hated that job.
โ†“
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I was a crappy employee.
โ†“
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And yet countless eyewitnesses paint you as a man
โ†“
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at the center of an ingenious conspiracy.
โ†“
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Oh. Shh.
โ†“
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Time and time again you were placed at a crucial event.
โ†“
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Do you have any way of refuting these claims?
โ†“
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Well, I didn't.
โ†“
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Who could remember what they were doing on January 25th, 2002,
โ†“
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or March 14th, 2003?
โ†“
ae338196-19e4-4a7d-adf5-5ad91a20b5e4.gif
But my son figured something out. Stand up, Malcolm.
โ†“
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I know he looks normal, but my son is a freaky genius with numbers.
โ†“
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His head should be the size of a medicine ball.
โ†“
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You give him any day of any year, and he can tell you
โ†“
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- what day it is. - What does that have to do with anything?
โ†“
4a027a9e-d413-436c-8bab-de81abe6733a.gif
Well, he figured out that every date on the board is a Friday.
โ†“
a4a95f88-503d-44ee-a5ad-b932adf8e658.gif
Every one. You can check the calendar.
โ†“
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I'm sorry, I don't understand why that would be so important.
โ†“
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I haven't shown up for work on a Friday in 15 years.
โ†“
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He didn't show up on Fridays for 15 years!
โ†“
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That isn't gonna be on the record, is it?
โ†“
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Do you have any evidence to back up this wild assertion?
โ†“
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Yeah, once I knew what to look for,
โ†“
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I realized I had almost everything I need right here in my memory box.
โ†“
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The prosecution maintains that you handed the board of directors
โ†“
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a set of cooked books on August 9th.
โ†“
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Yes, that's when I went to Bavaria Land.
โ†“
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And when you were supposed to be hiding money offshore on December 6th?
โ†“
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I went to The Nutcracker.
โ†“
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Pretty good for a community college production.
โ†“
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February 21st.
โ†“
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My driver's license from Grand Prix Go-Carts.
โ†“
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- June 27th. - Pilgrim Village.
โ†“
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July 11th.
โ†“
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There was a ghost in my car.
โ†“
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Right in my car.
โ†“
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And finally, August 22nd.
โ†“
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Well, I was chosen to be a junior trainer at Ocean Land.
โ†“
b843f385-7525-4ffa-a00e-424707e3755d.gif
He did all the work. I just stood there.
โ†“
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Congratulations, Hal.
โ†“
5eebd66e-4efb-4d78-a269-88cf39b014a1.gif
Sorry about my little outburst there at the end.
โ†“
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But they really should say "innocent" instead of "not guilty."
โ†“
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It's confusing.
โ†“
9693dd74-5857-4e5c-8c57-1ac8ba4a6586.gif
Lois, we won the case.
โ†“
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Now we can get our lives back to the way they were.
โ†“
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You didn't work on Fridays?
โ†“
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After all the sacrifices I made for this family.
โ†“
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For 15 years, I worked double shifts, drove carpool,
โ†“
eb2a4855-164d-467c-bb93-820c74a81b5e.gif
cleaned the house, while you were feeding Shamu!
โ†“
29ebe8be-dde4-43b7-998e-55e06c5a66ab.gif
Actually, it's Keiko 2. He's smaller, but you get just as wet in the front row.
โ†“
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It's a really good show. We should see it sometime.
โ†“
d8b4a97f-9604-4d02-ac26-a07b2e35cb49.gif
All right, let's get this over with. Red Team surrenders.
โ†“
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Come on, Hendrix, you can put a little feeling into it.
โ†“
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Yes, sir.
โ†“
781c521c-e608-4b17-976f-a1cd13846f7b.gif
That leaves us with the matter of the wager.
โ†“
073ec2a2-a768-40cf-8d63-0f07aa335d04.gif
I believe I can expect to see you bright and early tomorrow morning
โ†“
c8271193-126f-4036-8283-80fb00e1e231.gif
marching on the parade grounds
โ†“
d48f22ef-73f7-4e1e-98f6-cc3d80ae3f41.gif
wearing patent leather pumps and a bustier.
โ†“
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Now, I've always favored red,
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but far be it from me to tell a lady how to dress.
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Captain, I suggest you surrender.
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If not, I have enough flour packed in this barrel to bake 500 cakes.
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All right, don't fire. We hereby surrender.
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Eh. What the hell.
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Things are finally back to normal.
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Well, except for the fact that Reese is still missing,
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Mom and Dad both don't have jobs, and we're $20,000 in debt.
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It's a letter from Reese.
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Oh, my God, he's joined the Army.
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"Dear family, I'm fine.
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I waited till I was a success to write to you.
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I finished basic training at the top of my class.
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My drill sergeant told me I've earned some sort of reward."
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All right, gentlemen. We've entered Afghani airspace.
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We expect both hostile and friendly fire.
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The better you remember your training, the longer you will survive.
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On your feet!
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- How soon do we land? - Well, that's up to you.
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Remember, pull the green cord before the light green cord.