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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S05E09 — Dirty Magazine

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 5, Episode 9 — Dirty Magazine

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Malcolm in the Middle

Episode title: Dirty Magazine

Air date: January 11, 2004

Director: Bryan Cranston

Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson

Malcolm alerts the A.C.L.U. when he encounters censorship working on the high-school literary magazine; Hal tries to flirt with the woman in his office responsible for cutbacks.

Source: TMDB

↓

Hey, Dad.

↓

How's it going, Mom?

↓

Howdy.

howdy

↓

Three days and counting.

counting days three three-days

↓

Too bad he doesn't have someone

↓

covering the hole on the other side.

covering hole side

↓

♪ Life is unfair.

life unfair

↓

This is The Crystal Ship.

crystal ship

↓

It's our high school literary magazine.

literary magazine school

↓

Nobody reads it because it's written

nobody reads written

↓

by high school kids trying to be deep.

deep kids school school-kids

↓

And the editor is just some guy

↓

who wants to pad his college application.

application college wants

↓

This month, it's me.

month

↓

Did you get...

↓

"The Mysterious... Forest"?

forest mysterious

↓

Yes, Stevie. I got your drawing.

drawing stevie

↓

Is it... in?

↓

Yes. I told you.

↓

Nothing gets rejected.

rejected

↓

It doesn't matter how self-indulgent

matter self

↓

or boring or childish or stupid or painful it is.

boring childish painful stupid

↓

If it can be stapled, it's in.

↓

And why do you care?

care

↓

Our advisor doesn't even care.

advisor care

↓

I have to go.

↓

Um, I need to help

↓

Principal Block with... something.

block principal

↓

Ronnie and I have

ronnie

↓

written stories that we want to submit.

stories submit written

↓

We demand that you embrace

demand embrace

↓

our vibrant female voices.

female voices

↓

So you better print them, okay?

print

↓

Okay. You got it.

↓

You are going to read them first, aren't you?

read

↓

Yeah, okay.

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

It's been so long,

↓

I didn't think it was possible.

possible

↓

This story is, uh...

story

↓

is...

↓

What's the word?

word

↓

Good?

↓

Yes! Ronnie, your story

ronnie story

↓

is fantastic!

fantastic

↓

I love the ending!

ending love

↓

What about mine?

↓

"The Frog Who Was Too Good for the World"?

frog world

↓

It's crap.

↓

Well, maybe it was over your head.

head

↓

The frog is you, the snake is your dad,

frog snake

↓

and the moon is the dope you like on the football team.

dope football football-team moon team

↓

Lewis is not a dope.

dope lewis

↓

"Car Crash"?

crash

↓

Yeah. There's this really pretty girl who,

girl

↓

whenever she walks down the street,

street walks

↓

guys yell filthy stuff at her,

filthy stuff yell

↓

so she trains herself to ignore them.

ignore trains

↓

The "pretty" part's not important.

parts

↓

So, one day, after she's trained herself,

trained

↓

she's crossing the street,

crossing street

↓

and this construction worker yells out, "Hey, lady!"

construction construction-worker lady worker yells

↓

She doesn't turn around,

↓

but he's really trying to

↓

warn her there's a car coming.

coming warn

↓

She ignores him, and she gets

↓

splattered all over the pavement!

pavement

↓

Men...

↓

are pigs.

pigs

↓

Did you hear?

↓

The plant-watering lady

lady plant watering

↓

is going to testify before the S.E.C.

testify

↓

My God! They're going after everybody.

everybody

↓

And the new supervisor starts today.

starts supervisor today

↓

She's only here to make cuts and fire people.

cuts fire

↓

Lots of people.

lots

↓

Oh, my God! Here she comes!

comes

↓

Oh!

↓

Come on! Come on!

↓

Come on!

↓

Come on!

↓

Hal, right? [yelps]

yelps

↓

[microwave bell dings]Yes!

bell bell-dings dings microwave

↓

Nell. We took an extra trip

extra trip

↓

around the revolving doors together this morning.

doors morning

↓

Well, yeah...Looks like you're

↓

the only one here who doesn't run away from me.

↓

Well, you can't run forever, eh?

forever

↓

[both laugh]

laugh

↓

Look, I know this whole situation is awkward,

awkward situation whole whole-situation

↓

but I'm going to do my best

best

↓

to make everyone here feel respected.

respected

↓

Thank you, Nell.

↓

Especially the ones with great-looking hands.

especially hands looking ones

↓

She was touching me exactly like this!

touching

↓

She was practically drooling over my sexy hands.

drooling hands practically sexy

↓

And then, later this morning,

morning

↓

she asked me if I thought her butt was big.

asked butt

↓

And it wasn't. It was perfect!

perfect

↓

It wasn't an innocent request for information, Lois.

information innocent lois request

↓

If your butt was as perfect as hers,

butt perfect

↓

believe me, you'd know it!

believe

↓

What am I going to do?

↓

Well, were you mean to her?

↓

No. Why?

↓

You don't want to antagonize her.

↓

She's the new boss.

boss

↓

She decides who comes and who goes.

comes decides

↓

What are you saying?

↓

I am saying that it wouldn't hurt

hurt

↓

for you to be... nice.

↓

That's all. Hal, I'm not asking you to do anything.

asking

↓

It's just if she flirts with you again,

↓

just don't burst her bubble.

bubble burst

↓

Lois!

lois

↓

Oh, all right!

↓

You can make me flirt with this beautiful woman,

flirt woman

↓

but you can't make me like it.

↓

I can make you do anything I want.

↓

You're right.

↓

Go!

↓

[grunting]

grunting

↓

Ow!

↓

You know why I beat you?

beat

↓

'Cause you outweigh me by, like, 50 pounds?

pounds

↓

No. Because my mind is stronger than yours.

mind stronger

↓

What?

↓

All your Matrix guys

↓

and your Yodas

↓

and your Karate Kids do what they do

karate kids

↓

with their minds, not their bodies.

bodies minds

↓

I beat you in here before I ever beat you there.

beat

↓

You're just messing with me again.

messing

↓

I don't believe you.

believe

↓

You're not sure if you do or you don't.

↓

This is soil.

soil

↓

Soil is alive.

alive soil

↓

It is sensitive to the rhythm of who you truly are.

rhythm sensitive truly

↓

This is a seed.

seed

↓

Within it lies sleeping the soul of a plant.

lies plant sleeping soul

↓

Together, they make a test.

test

↓

That was taught to Shaolin ninjas millions of years ago.

millions ninjas taught years

↓

If you can keep your hand like this

hand

↓

until the seed sprouts, then you will have developed

developed seed

↓

the source of all power.

power source

↓

If this is real,

real

↓

then why are you teaching it to me?

teaching

↓

'Cause I'm a jerk, and I know you'll fail.

fail jerk

↓

Or maybe...

↓

just once...

↓

I'm letting you in on the secret of life itself.

letting life secret

↓

What's he doing out there?

↓

I put a rock in his hand.

hand rock

↓

He's trying to make it grow.

grow

↓

Oh, here you are, Francis.

francis

↓

What's this?

↓

An invitation for you and Piama.

invitation piama

↓

Otto and I are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary!

anniversary celebrating otto wedding

↓

You're kidding. That's great.

kidding

↓

Oh, I wish

wish

↓

I could chop you up

chop

↓

in a million pieces

million pieces

↓

so that I could share you with the rest of the world.

rest share world

↓

Oh, you are so romantic,

romantic

↓

my big Bavarian monkey face.

face monkey

↓

Francis, I am in so much trouble.

francis trouble

↓

What's wrong?I just found out

found

↓

what Gretchen is getting me for our anniversary.

anniversary gretchen

↓

She knows how much I love cuckoo clocks,

clocks cuckoo knows love

↓

so she called a factory in Innsbrook

called factory

↓

and somehow convinced them to handcraft a cuckoo clock

clock convinced cuckoo

↓

with a little Otto and a little Gretchen

gretchen otto

↓

that come out and kiss every hour.

hour kiss

↓

Wow. What'd you get her?

whatd

↓

Some Dustbuster filters

filters

↓

and a bracelet I saw on QVC.

bracelet

↓

Whoa. Well... you have a week.

week whoa

↓

Is there anything you know she likes?

likes

↓

Well, she always wished that I could learn to waltz.

learn waltz wished

↓

Really? That's great! I know how to waltz.

waltz

↓

I learned in military school taking girls to cotillions.

girls learned military military-school school

↓

I can totally teach you.

teach

↓

Oh, no, no, no, Francis, I am a terrible dancer.

dancer francis

↓

I tried it at our wedding; I stepped on her foot.

foot stepped tried wedding

↓

You can't let a little thing...I broke it in three places.

broke places three

↓

But...Then I ripped her dress,

dress ripped

↓

and her rear end hung out for 200 people to see.

hung rear

↓

Then I got into a fistfight with her father.

father

↓

We spent the night in jail,

jail night spent

↓

and, you know, he always was a little delicate-looking, and...

delicate looking

↓

Otto, Otto!

otto

↓

I am sure I can teach you to waltz.

teach waltz

↓

I don't know...

↓

Oh, goodie! Look!

goodie

↓

It's the bracelet I ordered from QVC.

bracelet ordered

↓

Do you like it?

↓

Yeah, oh, yeah.

↓

I'll meet you in the barn at 10:00.

barn meet

↓

What the hell is this?

↓

It's "Car Crash."

crash

↓

It's a story for the literary magazine.

literary magazine story

↓

It's pornography.

pornography

↓

How is it pornography?

pornography

↓

"The construction worker yelled out

construction construction-worker worker yelled

↓

[bleep] my [bleep]."

bleep

↓

"[bleep] my [bleep]."

bleep

↓

It's supposed to be offensive.

offensive supposed

↓

That's the whole point of the story.

point story whole whole-point

↓

It's a literary device.

device literary

↓

There's nothing literary

literary

↓

about "[bleep] my [bleep]"!

bleep

↓

Parents don't want their children

children parents

↓

reading "[bleep] my [bleep]."

bleep reading

↓

This school district has a zero tolerance policy

district policy school tolerance zero zero-tolerance

↓

on "[bleep] my [bleep]"!

bleep

↓

Our forefathers did not lay down their lives

lives

↓

on San Juan Hill for "[bleep] my [bleep]"!

bleep hill juan

↓

Now, you either kill this story

kill story

↓

or replace all the dirty words with asterisks.

dirty replace words

↓

That's just stupid.

stupid

↓

What's the point of bleeping out words?

point words

↓

Everyone knows what they are anyway.

knows

↓

Besides, Miss Shaw already said it was okay.

besides miss

↓

Sometimes, Miss Shaw doesn't know

miss sometimes

↓

when to keep her mouth shut.

mouth

↓

Just do it!

↓

This is censorship!

↓

Call...

↓

the ACLU...

↓

and sue... their ass.

↓

Yes!

↓

We can testify in poetry!

poetry testify

↓

I'm not going to call the ACLU for Crystal Ship.

crystal ship

↓

Just because it's under attack doesn't mean it's not lame.

attack lame

↓

What's wrong?

↓

Nothing. It's okay.

↓

It is stupid.

stupid

↓

You don't have to get...

↓

Look... you have people

↓

thinking you're smart and creative all the time.

creative smart thinking

↓

I just got excited that people would think that

excited

↓

about me for a change.

change

↓

Like I said, it's stupid.

stupid

↓

MAN: That is an outrage!

outrage

↓

Where is this high school, Iran?It's okay.

iran school

↓

I don't want to do anything; I just wanted some information.

information wanted

↓

You want information?

information

↓

The Constitution exists.

constitution exists

↓

Your teachers might as well take a leak on the American flag...

american flag leak might teachers

↓

which actually is a case I defended,

case defended

↓

but that's not the point.

point

↓

If these fascists need a lawsuit to wake them up,

lawsuit wake

↓

then... Malcolm, what's the name of your school?

malcolm name school

↓

My school? It doesn't have a name...

name school

↓

and I'm not really a student there.

student

↓

I was just prank calling you.

calling prank

↓

Ha, ha. Fooled you.

fooled

↓

That guy was nuts-- I didn't want anything to do with him.

nuts

↓

I hung up before he could figure out where I was calling from.

calling figure hung

↓

Unless... he has...

↓

Caller I.D.

caller

↓

BLOCK [over megaphone]: Attention, students.

attention attention-students block megaphone students

↓

Attention, students.

attention attention-students students

↓

As you know, we publish a literary magazine

literary magazine publish

↓

called The Crystal Ship.

called crystal ship

↓

[students murmuring]

murmuring students

↓

Well, we do.

↓

This morning, I received word that the ACLU

morning received received-word word

↓

has filed a lawsuit to force us to publish

filed force lawsuit publish

↓

an extraordinarily obscene essay.

essay

↓

[scattered applause]

applause scattered

↓

The school district's lawyers have given us a choice.

choice given lawyers school

↓

We can either turn our high school

school

↓

into an adult bookstore, or

adult bookstore

↓

we can cancel all extracurricular activities.

activities cancel

↓

Therefore, the football team is hereby canceled.

canceled football football-team hereby team therefore

↓

The debate team is hereby canceled.

canceled debate hereby team

↓

The drama club, canceled.

canceled club drama

↓

The glee club, canceled.

canceled club

↓

The prom, canceled.

canceled prom

↓

GIRL [sobbing]: No!

girl sobbing

↓

If any of you wish to find the student editor, Malcolm,

malcolm student wish

↓

and thank him for this, you'll find

↓

his class schedule posted outside my office.

class office posted schedule

↓

[faint squeaking]

squeaking

↓

OTTO: You are terrible!

otto

↓

You have completely wasted four entire days of waltz lessons.

completely days entire four lessons waltz wasted

↓

It makes me sick

makes sick

↓

to look at you.

↓

Otto, this isn't helping.

helping otto

↓

Every time you punch yourself,

punch

↓

we lose hours of valuable practice time.

hours lose practice valuable

↓

You just... you got to relax.

relax

↓

How can I relax when Gretchen is depending on me?

depending gretchen relax

↓

You do not learn by relaxing.

learn relaxing

↓

You learn by violently

learn violently

↓

assaulting your problem

problem

↓

until it surrenders its mysteries to you!

mysteries

↓

I just feel like you're psyching yourself out.

↓

Why don't you take five and clear your head?

clear five head

↓

You take five.

five

↓

I shall study

study

↓

the videotape of our previous lessons.

lessons previous videotape

↓

I will correct the problems in my technique.

correct problems technique

↓

[yells in pain]

pain yells

↓

[screaming]

screaming

↓

[loud clattering]

clattering loud

↓

Mm-hmm, perhaps more weight on my left instep.

left perhaps weight

↓

Otto, stop! Just stop all of this.

otto

↓

This isn't work!

↓

This isn't science!

science

↓

This is dancing!

dancing

↓

Stop thinking.

thinking

↓

Stop watching tapes.

tapes watching

↓

And take off the waltz-trainer!

trainer waltz

↓

♪

↓

Feel the music.

music

↓

Look into my eyes.

eyes

↓

But I...Shh!

↓

But Gretchen...

gretchen

↓

Shh.

↓

Forget Gretchen.

forget gretchen

↓

Forget the past and its failures,

forget past

↓

the future

future

↓

and its hopes.

hopes

↓

The world is gone.

gone world

↓

Right now all that exists is you...

exists

↓

...and me

↓

and the waltz.

waltz

↓

Hey, Hal.

↓

Tough day. My neck is so stiff.

neck stiff tough

↓

Mmm!

↓

So... what's a guy like you do for fun, huh?

fun

↓

I didn't know what to say.

↓

I don't do anything for fun.

fun

↓

Don't tell me you just stood there for ten minutes

minutes stood

↓

with your mouth hanging open?

hanging mouth open

↓

She wasn't even listening, Lois.

listening lois

↓

She was too busy mentally stripping me

busy mentally stripping

↓

and dressing me in leather.

dressing leather

↓

Boys, get out here. Dinner.

boys dinner

↓

How long is this going to take?

↓

I had to have Billy Hawkins

billy hawkins

↓

help dress me for gym.

dress

↓

It'll grow when you stop needingit to grow.

grow itll

↓

Malcolm, where've you been?

malcolm whereve

↓

Captain of the football team wanted to show me

captain football football-team team wanted

↓

how he decorated the inside of his locker.

decorated locker

↓

Yes, well, the principal of your school called.

called principal school

↓

He said you filed a lawsuit so you could destroy the school.

destroy filed lawsuit school

↓

That's a total lie.

total

↓

All I'm trying to do is publish a magazine full of dirty words.

dirty full magazine publish words

↓

Oh, and that's supposed to make me feel better?

supposed

↓

I didn't even start this.

start

↓

But everybody's fighting me so hard,

everybodys fighting hard

↓

it makes me think I can't just back down.

makes

↓

You always said

↓

there are principles you can't ever give up,

principles

↓

no matter what people do to you.

matter

↓

And I'm as surprised as anyone,

surprised

↓

but I think that's what I'm doing.

↓

What's her name?

name

↓

Who?

↓

The girl you're trying to impress.

girl impress

↓

Hope she's cute.

cute hope

↓

This isn't about a girl.

girl

↓

A girl wrote the dirty story.

dirty girl story wrote

↓

Oh, son, you want to be careful.

careful

↓

A girl who writes dirty stories

dirty girl stories writes

↓

sounds a little advanced for you.

advanced sounds

↓

That's not what this is about.

↓

Ronnie's a lesbian.

lesbian

↓

Well, maybe she wouldn't be a lesbian

lesbian

↓

if you tucked in your shirt once in awhile.

awhile shirt tucked

↓

I'm just trying

↓

to help her.

↓

She doesn't deserve this.

deserve

↓

She went to all the trouble to express something

express trouble

↓

in a way that's actually good, and now she's being silenced

↓

by a bunch of stupid, arbitrary people

arbitrary bunch stupid

↓

for stupid, arbitrary reasons.

arbitrary reasons stupid

↓

And I think that's just wrong.

↓

Son, you don't want to come on that strong.

strong

↓

That might be what turned her gay in the first place.

might place turned

↓

Come in.

↓

You wanted to see me...

wanted

↓

What's going on?

↓

Malcolm, the teachers and I

malcolm teachers

↓

are not here to blame.

blame

↓

We're looking for a solution.

looking solution

↓

This is Mr. Mellon.

↓

He's legal counsel for the district.

counsel district legal

↓

It's nice to meet you.

meet

↓

Now if it were up to me, you'd just be expelled,

expelled

↓

but the district thinks that there's a way

district thinks

↓

to get everything back the way it was.

↓

Good. Cause I never wanted to fight everyone.

fight wanted

↓

Of course you didn't.

course

↓

Basically, son, you sign this letter.

letter sign

↓

It says "Car Crash" never met the standards of Crystal Ship.

crash crystal ship standards

↓

You just picked it to see what you could get away with.

picked

↓

It was an adolescent prank,

adolescent prank

↓

and you apologize.

apologize

↓

Now just sign this,

sign

↓

and everyone gets their clubs back.

clubs

↓

I'm not going to sign it.

sign

↓

This is just a lie.

↓

All right, Malcolm, I wasn't going to mention this,

malcolm mention

↓

but I made cupcakes for you kids every week.

cupcakes kids week

↓

Look, I'm not the only one affected by this.

affected

↓

I agree.

agree

↓

Ronnie?

ronnie

↓

I'd like you to sign it, Malcolm.

malcolm sign

↓

I just want field hockey back.

field hockey

↓

Hello, there, Nell.

↓

Your eyes

eyes

↓

are very pretty.Really?

↓

You like my eyes?

eyes

↓

No!

↓

I was just told to say that.

↓

I'm sure you're very pretty,

↓

but I don't find you even remotely attractive.

attractive remotely

↓

I'm only flirting with you because my wife is making me!

flirting wife

↓

Wait a minute.

minute

↓

I was flirting with you,

flirting

↓

and the first thing you did was tell your wife?

wife

↓

I tell her everything.

↓

And she told you to flirt back with me?

flirt

↓

Yeah.

↓

Just out of curiosity,

↓

how far was your wife willing to take this?

wife willing

↓

She wouldn't tell me.

↓

Hal, it's okay. Calm down.

calm

↓

Now, the first thing

↓

you need to know is, I'm not going to fire you.

fire

↓

You're not? No.

↓

I was going to,

↓

but then Grossman and Ball

ball

↓

got indicted,

↓

and you're the only one left in the department.

department left

↓

Oh. I'm really glad

glad

↓

it worked out this way for you, Hal.

worked

↓

Thank you. Thank you.

↓

Lois will be so relieved.

lois relieved

↓

Well... we don't want her

↓

to be too relieved.

relieved

↓

It's hardly noticeable.

hardly noticeable

↓

[loudly]: Good.

loudly

↓

We can finish going over your progress reports

finish progress reports

↓

in my office this afternoon.

afternoon office

↓

I'm on fire.

fire

↓

[clears throat]

clears clears-throat throat

↓

Ah. Malcolm.

malcolm

↓

So, have you, uh, made a decision yet?

decision

↓

Yes. I want the clubs back.

clubs

↓

So I signed the letter

letter signed

↓

and sent it to your lawyer.

lawyer sent

↓

I even made copies.

copies

↓

Yeah, what's all this other stuff?

stuff

↓

I put the letter on the back cover

cover letter

↓

of my new independent

independent

↓

literary magazine.

literary magazine

↓

We made 700 copies, and we're distributing it

copies

↓

20 feet outside the school grounds

feet grounds school

↓

as required by law.

required

↓

It's called "Absolutely Filthy Smut."

absolutely called filthy smut

↓

It's a catchy title. People seem interested.

catchy interested title

↓

Man, from now on

↓

I'm going to ask a girl's permission

girls permission

↓

beside I say, "nice rack."

beside rack

↓

You know, I kind of wish

wish

↓

I did put some smut in it, though.

smut

↓

People are gonna be disappointed.

disappointed

↓

Don't be... so sure.

↓

"The Mysterious... Forest."

forest mysterious

↓

Fold A...

fold

↓

to meet B.

meet

↓

That's a picture of...!

picture

↓

Thank you... Cinemax.

cinemax

↓

Ew.

↓

Freedom's... a glorious... thing.

freedoms glorious

↓

[giggling]

giggling

↓

Oh, Otto, this is such a wonderful party!

otto party

↓

Everything is just perfect.

perfect

↓

[clears throat]

clears clears-throat throat

↓

Quiet, please!

quiet

↓

If everyone could stop their drunken reveling

drunken

↓

for a second.

second

↓

Gretchen,

gretchen

↓

my love, my life, my bride of 25 years,

bride life love years

↓

I have finally learned to do something

finally learned

↓

that you never thought I would be able to do.

able

↓

Maestro, if you please?

↓

♪

↓

May I have this waltz?

waltz

↓

[gasps]

gasps

↓

Otto...

otto

↓

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

↓

[mutters]

mutters

↓

[shrieks in pain]Oh, oh!

pain shrieks

↓

I don't understand this.

↓

I was doing this perfectly last night.

night perfectly

↓

It's all right, Otto.

otto

↓

I worked so hard

hard worked

↓

to try to prove my love for you.

love prove

↓

Oh...

↓

I have the same music, I have the same boots,

boots music

↓

I have the same...

↓

Aha!

↓

Gretchen, prepare to be dazzled!

gretchen prepare

↓

Aw, geez...

geez

↓

Okay.

↓

♪

↓

Thank you, Otto.

otto

↓

[floor creaking]

creaking floor

↓

What are you doing?

↓

Hopefully messing Dewey up for life.

dewey hopefully life messing

↓

Nice.

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

He did it.

↓

You never even put a seed in his hand.

hand seed

↓

It's like a miracle.

miracle

↓

The kid actually did it.

↓

This makes it so much funnier.

funnier makes

↓

[both giggling]

giggling

↓

You put the lipstick on yourself, right?

lipstick

↓

Okay.

↓

No, I'm serious.

serious

↓

You put it on.

↓

Sure.

↓

LOIS: Hal, you did.

lois

↓

Just say you did.

↓

Okay, I did.

↓

Hal...