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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S13E06 — The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 13, Episode 6 — The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem

Air date: October 10, 2018

Director: Josh Drisko

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Jimmy Buffett is in town and the positive vibes are alive at the bar. But when Mac comes out of the women's bathroom, no one can leave until the bathroom situation is solved.

Source: TMDB

↓

All right, well, that about does it,

↓

which means we are officially

officially

↓

- on island time. - Oh, yeah.

island

↓

- Yeah, baby. - Here we go.

baby

↓

- Island time. - Ah, Frank.

frank island

↓

I'm so excited about this concert.

concert excited

↓

- Thank you for the tickets. - Yeah.

tickets

↓

- Oh, I love Jimmy Buffett. - Oh, yeah.

buffett jimmy love

↓

And those Parrothead broads, they're wild.

broads wild

↓

- I noticed that. They're nuts. - Yeah, yeah.

noticed nuts

↓

I hope he plays "The Piña Colada Song," man.

hope plays song

↓

- Oh, yeah, that's the best. - I gotta hear it.

best

↓

Yeah, I wish he would, too, but he won't,

wish

↓

'cause that's, uh, that's not Buffett.

buffett

↓

- Huh? - Yeah, no. H-He does.

↓

It's, uh, the one that goes...

↓

- ♪ If you like piña coladas ♪ - ♪ Coladas ♪

coladas

↓

Yeah, no, I know the song, I know the song,

song

↓

but it's sung by a man named Rupert Holmes.

holmes named rupert sung

↓

- Who? - Are you sure? I feel like that's Buffett.

buffett

↓

We've been going to see Buffett for 20 years.

buffett years

↓

No, but he's not gonna play all

↓

of his hits every single time.

hits single

↓

Yeah, no, he is. That's what he does.

↓

That's actually the only thing he does.

↓

And that's just not one of them. But, hey, listen, buddy,

buddy

↓

and request away. I won't stop you.

request

↓

♪ If you like making love at midnight ♪

love midnight

↓

Oh! I hope he plays that one.

hope plays

↓

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all do. - Yeah, he won't, he won't.

↓

- W-Were you in the women's room? - Mm-hmm.

room womens

↓

Well, don't do that. Don't use my bathroom.

bathroom

↓

Why not?

↓

Oh, no. Well, now, as a gay man,

↓

I just feel more comfortable in the ladies' room.

comfortable ladies ladies-room room

↓

Oh, come on, the-- with the gay thing again.

↓

Like, look, it makes me uncomfortable

makes uncomfortable

↓

that you're in there using my bathroom. How about that?

bathroom using

↓

Look, the whole men's and women's

mens whole womens

↓

bathroom thing is antiquated.

bathroom

↓

- Maybe you're antiquated. - Maybe I'm...

↓

Get off me! Get off me!

↓

- Get him off me! - Settle down!

settle

↓

Don't. Come on. L-Listen--

↓

I know, I know, listen.

↓

We always do this. We...

↓

We always get in some major tiff right before Buffett,

buffett major

↓

and then, you know, it just, it just ruins

ruins

↓

- the whole island vibe, you know? - Yeah.

island vibe whole

↓

Come on. We're not doing that this time.

↓

All right? This whole bathroom issue

bathroom issue whole

↓

is a simple problem with a simple solution.

problem simple solution

↓

So why don't we just sit here and let's just figure it out.

figure

↓

All right, now we're talking.

↓

I tell ya, there's never been a problem so big,

problem

↓

and a little Chinese takeout.

chinese

↓

We should've got cheeseburgers.

cheeseburgers shouldve

↓

for paradise.

paradise

↓

- I get it. - That is Buffett, that one, right?

buffett

↓

- Yeah, that's Buffett. - That's Buffett, okay, cool.

buffett cool

↓

Uh, if I may go first. I'd like to go first.

↓

Oh, are we doing a whole stand up...?

stand whole

↓

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gonna do it.

↓

Now, guys, I believe that, as a gay man,

believe

↓

because I feel more comfortable around women.

comfortable women

↓

- Okay, why? - Well, "A," we both like dudes,

dudes

↓

- so there's no hanky-panky. - Well, that tracks.

tracks

↓

- Yeah, sure, that makes sense. - Yeah, yeah.

makes makes-sense sense

↓

Done! I'm using the ladies' bathroom, right?

bathroom ladies using

↓

N-n-n-n-n-n-- My turn.

↓

- My turn, right? - Oh, do you have to...?

↓

- The floor is yours. - I thought Mac just solved it.

floor solved

↓

- No. No, no. Okay. - No. -All right.

↓

for example-- and, "B," I find you disgusting.

disgusting example

↓

I don't want men pooping next to me.

pooping

↓

Would you let a trans woman go in there?

trans woman

↓

Of course I would.

course

↓

- But not me? - No, not you, because you're a man.

↓

You're a gay man, but you're still a man.

↓

I don't know why you're being such a bitch

bitch

↓

about this, Dee. I've been pooping next to you for months.

months pooping

↓

- What are you talking about? - You've been in the stall

stall

↓

next to me.

↓

I-I recognize you from those pink heels you have.

heels pink recognize

↓

The ones with the straps that-that make those giant feet

feet giant ones straps

↓

look so dainty and cute.

cute

↓

Mac, I don't know what you're talking about.

↓

Mm, uh...

↓

is about why this bathroom is so much cleaner than ours.

bathroom cleaner

↓

Don't worry about it, this is the last time

worry

↓

you're gonna be in here.

↓

Charlie, what is taking so long?

charlie

↓

Give me a minute. Give me a minute!

minute

↓

Uh...

↓

Oh, there they are!

↓

Those are the pink heels I was talking about.

heels pink

↓

Charlie, are you a cross-dresser?

charlie cross dresser

↓

No! I just like to use the women's bathroom,

bathroom womens womens-bathroom

↓

And very clean.

clean

↓

Yeah, and, look, I-I just,

↓

whatever, I slip on the heels,

heels slip

↓

in case someone looked under the stall.

case looked stall

↓

I didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable.

uncomfortable

↓

- That's it. - Okay. But what's with the wig?

↓

Come on!

↓

Don't make me do the whole thing.

whole

↓

Goddamn it. It...

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

the whole look together, so, you know...

whole

↓

You are a cross-dresser.

cross dresser

↓

No, I'm not. Look, I was raised

raised

↓

by a single mother, you know?

mother single

↓

And we were always on the go, and sometimes

sometimes

↓

we'd be at, like, a museum or, you know, a stadium,

museum stadium

↓

and I'd have to go to the bathroom, and my mom wasn't

bathroom

↓

gonna put me in the men's room by myself,

mens mens-room room

↓

She would slip it on, and I would go in and out

slip

↓

of the women's bathroom and no one would notice.

bathroom notice womens womens-bathroom

↓

And then, you know, as the years went by,

years

↓

I just got more comfortable pooping

comfortable pooping

↓

with a dress, so, whatever, it's not that weird.

dress weird

↓

- Hold on, though, it's very, very weird. - It is so weird.

weird

↓

Look, lots of people do it. It's...

lots

↓

- I doubt it. - I don't know anybody who does it.

anybody doubt

↓

- Uh, no. - Not one person on the planet.

person planet

↓

It is what it is, I mean,

↓

it's the only way I can poop, so...

poop

↓

- O-kay. - I guess it is what it is.

↓

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. - It is what it is, and it is very strange,

strange

↓

but it does bring up an interesting point.

bring interesting point

↓

You see, Dee, you did mention moments ago

mention moments

↓

that you would be comfortable having

comfortable having

↓

a transgender woman use your bathroom.

bathroom transgender woman

↓

Of course I would, so what?

course

↓

- Well... - No. That's not,

↓

that's not the same thing, he's not transgender.

transgender

↓

Well, no. He's-he's not transgender,

transgender

↓

but he identifies as a woman when he poops.

poops woman

↓

No. No. Goddamn it, you're only saying that

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

'cause my bathroom's nicer.

bathrooms nicer

↓

No, no. I-I think, I think Mac is right.

↓

I think this system is antiquated, and I think--

system

↓

- Is that, is that a hand dryer? - Oh, damn.

dryer hand

↓

- Yeah, there's a hand dryer in here. - Oh, goddamn it.

dryer goddamn goddamn-it hand

↓

Well, let's vote. All those in favor.

favor vote

↓

- MAC/DENNIS/CHARLIE/FRANK: Aye. - No. Goddamn it.

charlie dennis dennis-charlie frank goddamn goddamn-it

↓

Nice. Okay, well, I knew we could solve it, guys.

solve

↓

- This is great. - And then should we also change

change

↓

the signs on the doors

doors signs

↓

to reflect that it's not a boys' room

boys reflect room

↓

- and a girls' room anymore? - Right. Yeah, no.

anymore girls room

↓

We'll pop some new signs on there real fast.

fast real real-fast signs

↓

You know, so it's clear that any gender can use any bathroom.

bathroom clear gender

↓

- Yeah, yeah. - How hard could that be?

hard

↓

The dress is making me have to poop really bad, so I'm gonna...

dress poop

↓

Okay, let's do it.

↓

- Oh, goddamn it. - Gotta poop, gotta poop.

goddamn goddamn-it poop

↓

W-Wait, wait, wait, wait. So, I'm sorry,

↓

what's wrong with this one again?

↓

Well, I think it's confusing, is what the problem is.

confusing problem

↓

- Mm. Mm-hmm. - Like, maybe we need words

words

↓

or something.

↓

Well, also, like, what's with the floating starfish

floating

↓

trying to eat the rock?

rock

↓

- That's a baby. - That's a baby?

baby

↓

- Yes, that's a... - That's a baby?

baby

↓

So, now what's happening, you got wheelchair guy's back there

wheelchair

↓

throwing babies around trying to get them in wheelchairs?

babies throwing

↓

- It's confusing. - Okay, all right.

confusing

↓

So what if I cover up the baby, how about now?

baby cover

↓

I don't get it. Now it looks like you either got to be

↓

in a wheelchair or a he-she to go poop in there.

poop wheelchair

↓

No, no, no, no, Frank, come on, don't say "he-she."

frank

↓

What?

↓

- It's hermaphrodite. - Oh, nope.

nope

↓

Dee, you can't say that anymore, either.

anymore

↓

- It's intersex. - Well, this is all confusing.

confusing

↓

Why do I have to keep learning new things?

learning

↓

How about this?

↓

We'll call the bathrooms gender neutral.

bathrooms gender neutral

↓

That makes me uncomfortable, because I'm not neutral

makes neutral uncomfortable

↓

- about my gender. - Mm.

gender

↓

- So now you're uncomfortable, okay. - Okay.

uncomfortable

↓

We put one sign on each door, both of them say "gender fluid."

door fluid gender sign

↓

Right. 'Cause that-that implies, like, you're this,

implies

↓

- you're that. - I don't know. I don't like

↓

thinking about gender fluids.

fluids gender thinking

↓

Like, just, uh, it's a gross image to me.

gross image

↓

- All right. Well... - You know what? Look, look.

↓

It's just all so confusing.

confusing

↓

You know, we got to make this much simpler.

simpler

↓

I have an idea, if I could just go do one that I think will

idea

↓

- clear it all up. - Great. Go for it, buddy. Hop to it.

buddy clear

↓

All right, do it, yeah.

↓

- Quick. - Is the Internet working?

internet quick working

↓

- Hmm... - Well, hang on. Hey.

hang

↓

Yes, but you stay off it. You stay...

↓

- No. No. - No, no. I'm just...

↓

You crashed our last three laptops, man.

crashed laptops three

↓

- You are not doing it again. - Bring it out here.

bring

↓

Do it out here where we can see what you're doing.

↓

- No, I'll do it in the office. - Do it in front of us.

front office

↓

It'll take me, like, two minutes. Two minutes.

itll minutes

↓

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - You go fast.

fast

↓

I'm-I'm finished.

finished

↓

- I'm finally finished. - Oh, God. It's about time.

finally finished

↓

Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

- He's limping. - Are you chafed?

limping

↓

- He's chafed. - Huh? Oh, yeah. Super chafed.

super

↓

Hey, do you know

↓

how to get Russian malware out of a computer?

computer malware russian

↓

- No. - Then the computer's broken. Yeah.

broken computers

↓

- Yeah. - Aw!

↓

- Yeah, but the sign's done. - All right, man.

signs

↓

Let's see what you got.

↓

What do you think?

↓

Well, I don't know what I'm looking at.

looking

↓

Yeah. What-what am I seeing here?

seeing

↓

It's just dicks.

dicks

↓

- No. There's... I mean, yes. - Oh.

↓

There are a couple of dicks, but...

couple dicks

↓

- It's mostly dicks. - That's a lot of dicks.

dicks mostly

↓

- Oh, now... now all I see is dicks. - Mm-hmm.

dicks

↓

No, there's also pictures

pictures

↓

of road kill and roast beef sandwiches

beef kill road roast sandwiches

↓

to accurately depict what a vagina looks like.

accurately vagina

↓

- Okay. - Anyone else uncomfortable?

uncomfortable

↓

All right. Moving on.

moving

↓

All right. I'm just gonna go back to the office.

office

↓

- No, you stay here. - No. No, no, no. No!

↓

You are not going back to the...

↓

- Yeah. - All right, all right.

↓

So, this... I think this covers it all, right?

covers

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think. Yeah. There's the man.

↓

- Uh-huh. - The woman.

woman

↓

- Mm-hmm. - That's the he-shes,

↓

or the interspecies, whatever it is.

↓

Yeah, whatever you said.

↓

And this is Christians,

christians

↓

- Muslims. - I assume

assume

↓

the dollar sign is meant to represent Jews?

dollar jews meant represent sign

↓

Well, it ain't the Mormons.

aint

↓

- Uh... - Let's not get into that.

↓

Okay, you know what?

↓

- Why-why are we bringing...? - I was against it. Yeah.

bringing

↓

Why are we bringing religion into this at all?

bringing religion

↓

Because I want to know who's in there,

↓

- because it'll make me feel safer. - Oh, goddamn.

goddamn itll safer

↓

Can we please put two signs on the doors?

doors signs

↓

- Both signs say "toilet." - Yeah...

signs toilet

↓

- Oh. - There's a toilet in there,

toilet

↓

and that's all you really need to know.

↓

You make a good point. I think that would work.

point

↓

Could say "toilet,"

toilet

↓

and then it's kind of your choice which one you use.

choice

↓

- Just "toilet." - That actually does work.

toilet

↓

- I feel like that totally works. - Yeah.

works

↓

- We solved it? - Okay, great. We so...

solved

↓

- Did we do it? - We solved it!

solved

↓

- We solved it! - Oh, my God!

solved

↓

- Let's get the hell out of here. - All right.

↓

I feel like it was my idea, but, yeah.

idea

↓

Oh, you son of a bitch. Just go.

bitch

↓

- I think I said it first. - Just go.

↓

You guys, you go, and I'll-I'll lock up, okay?

lock

↓

I've had Chinese food. It wants out, so...

chinese chinese-food food wants

↓

- Yeah. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Why aren't you using the good bathroom?

bathroom using

↓

Well, 'cause I'm about to do some real damage.

damage real

↓

I don't... I don't want to do it in the good bathroom.

bathroom

↓

Well, I'm-I'm uncomfortable with that.

uncomfortable

↓

- How? - So close.

close

↓

We were so close.

close

↓

Well, because I just don't want to share my bathroom

bathroom share

↓

- with a bunch of broads. - What happened, Frank?

broads bunch frank happened

↓

- We decided we were all cool with it. - We were fine.

cool decided

↓

I didn't know she was gonna smash in there.

smash

↓

A woman is not a lady when she's dumping up a john.

dumping john lady woman

↓

Also, this brings up an interesting point.

brings interesting point

↓

We should probably confine Dee's damage

damage dees

↓

to, like, one bathroom or the other, you know?

bathroom

↓

Otherwise, I'm gonna have to clean both.

clean otherwise

↓

Charlie, you're the janitor.

charlie janitor

↓

You should be cleaning both bathrooms regardless.

bathrooms cleaning regardless

↓

- He hasn't been. - Clean both bathrooms!

bathrooms clean

↓

I do it.

↓

Yeah, all right. Well, now you're just, like,

↓

kind of getting off-topic here, you know?

topic

↓

I have an idea. The guys should be able

able idea

↓

to pick whichever bathroom they want.

bathroom pick whichever

↓

- Dee has to stay in hers. - What?!

↓

- All in favor. - Hey, that's majority rules.

favor majority rules

↓

- Get out of here. - Yeah, yeah.

↓

- There you go. Solves it. - No. No, no, no.

solves

↓

Absolutely not. No. You guys can't take away

absolutely

↓

my right to choose.

choose

↓

- Oh, you want to go there? - I do want to go there.

↓

My body, my choice. It says so in the Constitution.

body choice constitution

↓

- Okay, well, the Bible says... - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

bible

↓

No, no, no, no, no, no. Guys, don't do this. No, come on.

↓

It's crazy. All right. Don't make this about abortion.

abortion crazy

↓

Guys, we always do this. We veer wildly off-topic,

topic wildly

↓

and the next thing you know, we're having some ridiculous

having ridiculous

↓

argument that has nothing to do with what we're trying

argument

↓

- to solve, you know. - And then tempers flare.

flare solve

↓

Exactly. We're talking about evolution all of a sudden.

evolution sudden

↓

Then we're arguing about racism or whether or not ghouls exist.

arguing exist ghouls racism whether

↓

- They do, though, 'cause I've seen one. - No, they don't.

seen

↓

- No, they do. - You-you've never seen them.

seen

↓

- Yes, I have seen them. - No, you haven't.

seen

↓

- Yes, I have! - Oh!

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

- No, wait! Hey, stop! Hey, stop! - Charlie!

charlie

↓

- You stupid twink! - I'm a bear! I'm a bear!

bear stupid twink

↓

- You wish you were a bear! - Take it easy! Hey!

bear easy wish

↓

Get-- Stop! We're off-topic. This is not Buffett.

buffett topic

↓

This is not... We're not being very Buffett right now.

buffett

↓

- That was not Buffett at all. - We're not being very Buffett.

buffett

↓

- It wasn't very Buffett of me. - It's not Buffett, man.

buffett

↓

All right, all right. Oh! I got an idea.

idea

↓

It should just be about what's going on in there, right?

↓

What if we have

↓

separate bathrooms... for separate bodily functions?

bathrooms bodily bodily-functions functions separate

↓

Oh, like a piss room and a shit room.

piss room

↓

Yeah. Exactly, okay? And, uh, we just

↓

put very simple labels on the door.

door labels simple

↓

Room number one for when you got to empty your balls,

balls empty number room

↓

and room number two for when you got to empty your butt.

butt empty number room

↓

Pee is not in your balls, but... yeah. Okay.

balls

↓

No. I don't think it's gonna work because

↓

nobody can shit when everybody knows you're shitting.

everybody everybody-knows knows nobody shitting

↓

- Why not? Everybody shits. - Yeah.

everybody shits

↓

Yeah, but it's a shameful act that we all do in secret.

secret shameful

↓

- That's true. - Even dogs know that.

dogs

↓

You ever see their eyes when they're doing it?

eyes

↓

- They know. - Mm.

↓

They look at you like this.

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah. They're ashamed.

ashamed

↓

Yeah, well, guys, it's a system that invites abuse.

abuse invites system

↓

I mean, who here would use the piss room to shit?

piss room

↓

No, that's the whole point, is that you just pee in it.

point whole whole-point

↓

- I wouldn't do that. - You use the shit room to shit.

room

↓

Yeah. No one's gonna do that.

ones

↓

- Pee over there. - Really?

↓

Yeah. I'd-I'd poop in the pee room.

poop room

↓

I would poop immediately in the pee room.

immediately poop room

↓

100% of the time I will shit in the piss room.

piss room

↓

- You're totally right. - Actually, don't like this idea.

idea

↓

See? There you go. I rest my case.

case rest

↓

Yeah. But you know what? Maybe people would be

↓

a little less inclined to cheat, and they wouldn't feel ashamed,

ashamed cheat less

↓

if they had a little bit more privacy.

privacy

↓

Like, what if the partitions

↓

went all the way down to the ground?

ground

↓

- Hmm. - Yeah?

↓

And you created sort of a dome of privacy.

created dome privacy

↓

- So you're closed in. - You're closed in.

closed

↓

You know what you could do? You could add

↓

a scented candle in there for the smells.

candle scented smells

↓

- Right. - And some noise to cover the sounds.

cover noise sounds

↓

- Mm-hmm. - Yes.

↓

Loud noise, like screaming.

loud noise screaming

↓

- Mm-hmm. - Or just music.

music

↓

Let's do music. Guys, we're making progress. This is great.

music progress

↓

I'll tell you what. Uh, Dee, why don't you go grab some cardboard

cardboard grab

↓

- for the partitions. - Yep, yep.

↓

And, um, I'll order us some breakfast burritos.

breakfast burritos order

↓

- It's getting to that time. - 'Cause I'm getting hungry.

hungry

↓

- Yeah! - Tasty.

tasty

↓

- Extra bacon for you? - Okay, okay. Yeah

bacon extra

↓

- Extra bacon, baby. - All right.

baby bacon extra

↓

The screaming's kind of cool, right?

cool

↓

It's better. It's better. Works better than the music.

music works

↓

- I never would've thought. - Yeah, yeah.

wouldve

↓

The music, it was like, I felt like I could hear maybe

music

↓

a poop or a pee happening, but the screams are...

poop screams

↓

Right.

↓

And I honestly, I feel like I'm not even in a bathroom

bathroom

↓

- right now. - Yeah. Here you are eating a burrito.

burrito eating

↓

- Yeah. Yeah. - In a bathroom.

bathroom

↓

- Oh! That was great. - Yeah, how'd that go? Yeah?

howd

↓

I did something in there. I'm not gonna tell you what, though.

↓

Well, there's no need. I couldn't hear a thing,

↓

- and I can't smell a thing, so... - Yeah. Yeah.

smell

↓

Hey, Frank, how's it going in there, man?

frank

↓

The walls are too high. I don't know where to aim.

walls

↓

- Aim? Aim-aim at the bowl. The toilet. - You just aim at the toilet.

bowl toilet

↓

- The same spot. - What are you talking about?

spot

↓

- Ah! - Whoa! Hey!

whoa

↓

Oh! Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

Never sneak up on a man like that,

sneak

↓

especially when he's at his most vulnerable.

especially vulnerable

↓

Why do you have a gun on the toilet?

toilet

↓

I always carry a gun on the toilet.

carry toilet

↓

Otherwise, I can't make.

otherwise

↓

Well, now I'm very uncomfortable.

uncomfortable

↓

Well, tough titties.

titties tough tough-titties

↓

I got the right to defend myself.

defend

↓

It's in the Constitution.

constitution

↓

Have you ever read the Constitution?

constitution read

↓

Yes.

↓

No.

↓

This is wild stuff.

stuff wild

↓

There's a part in here that says that freed slaves

freed part slaves

↓

are only three-fifths of a person.

person three

↓

- It's wild. Yeah. - Really? It says that in there?

wild

↓

I can't imagine where you're going with this, Frank.

frank imagine

↓

Well, I was figuring that if we handled

figuring handled

↓

this problem like the Constitution, that would mean

constitution problem

↓

that white landowners would get a full bathroom.

bathroom full white

↓

Everybody else gets three-fifths.

everybody three

↓

How do you use three-fifths of a bathroom?

bathroom three

↓

Piss in the sink.

piss sink

↓

I beg you to stop using the Constitution

constitution using

↓

in the way that you're using it.

using

↓

Listen. Frank just gave me a good idea.

frank idea

↓

- Hmm. - Okay.

↓

Reparations.

reparations

↓

Look, minorities have been treated

minorities treated

↓

like shit in this country for so long, right?

country

↓

So, I say we give them the good bathroom.

bathroom

↓

You know? I mean, for years and years, they've been oppressed.

years

↓

The least we can give them is, you know,

least

↓

a nice place to piss and shit, right?

piss place

↓

And we got to put up a sign so that they know their place.

place sign

↓

Now, are-are you proposing that we put a sign

proposing sign

↓

on one of the bathrooms that says "minorities only"?

bathrooms minorities

↓

What does the other sign say?

sign

↓

- "No minorities allowed." - That's crazy.

allowed crazy minorities

↓

- Do you hear yourself? - That's bad.

↓

You hear where you're running into trouble there, right?

running trouble

↓

- !! - No, no, it's super progressive.

progressive super

↓

- No... - Yeah, i-it's a bathroom

bathroom

↓

- for women, non-whites, and gays. - Uh...

gays whites women

↓

Oh, oh!

↓

Oh, I get it.

↓

And I-I'm 100% on board.

board

↓

I agree. I'm with you.

agree

↓

Wait a second, Dee. So now you're okay

second

↓

with Mac using your bathroom?

bathroom using

↓

Yeah. As long as the majority of the people

majority

↓

aren't taking a shit in my bathroom, sure.

bathroom

↓

Okay, well, let's just go ahead and vote for it. Ch-Charlie?

ahead charlie go-ahead vote

↓

W-Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second there.

second

↓

Before you vote, uh, Charlie, uh, you know,

charlie vote

↓

consider this-- there's-there's no shame

consider shame

↓

in doing what's best for the majority.

best majority

↓

I mean, that is what a democracy is, right?

democracy

↓

It's trying to please the greatest number

greatest number

↓

of people in a country.

country

↓

- White people. - Please don't help.

white

↓

Okay? Yeah. Uh, what I'm saying is

↓

that you're never gonna be able to please everybody.

able everybody

↓

It's just-- There's no way, you know what I mean?

↓

And, of course, everybody wants their own little piece

course everybody everybody-wants piece wants

↓

of paradise, right? I like mine with--

paradise

↓

I like mine with lettuce and tomato.

lettuce tomato

↓

♪ Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes. ♪

french fried potatoes

↓

- Mm. - But that's just me, you know?

↓

There's a small minority of people out there,

minority

↓

they like their cheeseburgers with pineapple.

cheeseburgers pineapple

↓

Oh, yeah, I know. Get the hell out of here.

↓

Ew.

↓

- Gross. - What are you thinking?

gross thinking

↓

You know what I mean?

↓

But there is a minority out there, and that's how

minority

↓

they like it. But are we saying that, for those people's sake,

peoples sake

↓

we got to have every single hamburger store

hamburger single store

↓

in the whole country offer pineapples

country offer pineapples whole whole-country

↓

on their cheeseburgers? I don't think that's right.

cheeseburgers

↓

We'll run out of pineapples.

pineapples

↓

Mm-mm. We ought to take it off the pizza, too.

ought pizza

↓

Hawaiians are savages.

savages

↓

Okay, you're not helping, all right?

helping

↓

Your racism is making-- I hate when you're on my side.

hate racism side

↓

Mm-hmm. Okay, all good points, you know, strongly made.

points strongly

↓

I like the hat. I was focused on that most of the time.

focused

↓

But I-I'm kind of leaning towards you.

leaning

↓

I don't know why. It might be the shirt.

might shirt

↓

Look, majority rules may have worked in medieval times,

majority medieval rules times worked

↓

but we live in a civil society now.

civil live society

↓

And societies are judged on how

judged

↓

they treat their most vulnerable.

treat vulnerable

↓

See, we have to give voices to those who have no voice.

voice voices

↓

- He's right-- - Shut up, Dee! I'm talking!

↓

Women are always... Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it women

↓

Look, what I was saying was that we need to protect

protect

↓

those most marginalized, okay?

↓

We need to change our attitudes.

change

↓

We need to change our latitudes.

change

↓

And we need to vote for a minorities-only bathroom.

bathroom minorities vote

↓

Okay, uh, also good, strong points there made forcefully.

points strong

↓

I was distracted by the shiny shirt. That's cool.

cool distracted shiny shirt

↓

I liked when you snapped at Dee.

liked snapped

↓

It was annoying when she chimed in.

annoying

↓

Um, so maybe I'm leaning towards you now. I don't know.

leaning

↓

Okay, well, then that means we're all voting for...

voting

↓

Oh!

↓

Wait, wait, wait! I just looked up the demographics of Philly.

looked philly

↓

It says here that this city is 54% women

city women

↓

and 68% Christian.

christian

↓

- Whoa. - Which means that Mac and Dee

whoa

↓

are in the majority.

majority

↓

- Wait, wait, wait, is that true? - Uh-huh.

↓

It also says that 52% are black,

black

↓

which means white men,

white

↓

like me and Dennis,

dennis

↓

are in the minority.

minority

↓

Uh-oh, we're minorities, which means that,

minorities

↓

by your own argument,

argument

↓

we actually should get the good bathroom.

bathroom

↓

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I-I'm gay,

↓

so that-that still means that I'm a minority.

minority

↓

Yeah, but are you more gay than you are Catholic?

catholic

↓

I don't know. They're at war.

↓

It's all very confusing. Where--

confusing

↓

What does it say about transgenders...?

↓

- Less than one percent. - Yeah.

less percent

↓

So what am I?

↓

You are white.

white

↓

Okay, and I'm a...?

↓

Man.

↓

And that would make me...?

↓

- In the minority. - Which means I go towards...?

minority

↓

Us. Y-You know what? Frank, you explain it to him.

explain frank

↓

I'm gonna-- I'm g-- I'll-I'll kill--

kill

↓

- I'll-I'll smash him and, uh... - You get the good bathroom.

bathroom smash

↓

- If I come with you? Okay, it was clear-- - Yes.

clear

↓

It wasn't totally clear before,

clear

↓

- but I get it now. - It should've been.

shouldve

↓

Oh, boy. Yeah, okay, so yes.

↓

2-I got it.

↓

So all those in favor of doing the actual right thing

actual favor

↓

and giving the minorities the good bathroom,

bathroom giving minorities

↓

- let's go ahead and raise your hand. - Yeah. Hey!

ahead go-ahead hand raise

↓

- Okay, all right! Great, hey. - Okay.

↓

Finally, a win for straight white men, right?

finally straight white

↓

Great.

↓

- Now we're talking. Yeah. - Yeah! Finally, something for us.

finally

↓

- We got it. Yeah. Something for the guys. - Something for us. Okay.

↓

- Yeah, let's go to Buffett! - All right, we're gonna--

buffett

↓

- Anybody want cheeseburgers? - All right.

anybody cheeseburgers

↓

- I'm gonna get the grill ready. - Well, yeah, hey, if I'm headed

grill headed ready

↓

to paradise, I'm gonna want a cheeseburger.

cheeseburger paradise

↓

Let's roll!

roll

↓

- What-what are you guys doing? Let's go. - Let's go.

↓

We're not going.

↓

What do you mean you're not going? What?

↓

You used Buffett's words

used words

↓

to promote discrimination, dude.

promote

↓

It's not cool.

cool

↓

No, but you guys have to go. I mean,

↓

you're the only two other real Parrotheads of the bunch.

bunch real

↓

I mean, Frank's just going 'cause the chicks are wild.

chicks franks wild

↓

You know what I mean?

↓

And, Charlie, he doesn't know what's going on.

charlie

↓

I know.

↓

- Yes, I do. - He has no-- No. What are the songs?

songs

↓

- What's another Buffett song? - ♪ Aruba, Jamaica... ♪

another aruba buffett jamaica song

↓

- That's Beach Boys. - It is.

beach boys

↓

- I don't know the songs. - Yeah. That's the Beach Boys.

beach boys songs

↓

Well, there's no sense in going to Buffett

buffett sense

↓

if they're not-- we're not all gonna go.

↓

Then we're not going to Buffett.

buffett

↓

♪ If you like piña coladas... ♪

coladas

↓

Please don't, Charlie. It's too-- it-it--

charlie

↓

- It hurts too much. - I thought you-- Come on, man.

hurts

↓

I thought you said it wasn't Buffett.

buffett

↓

Yeah, but i-it's close enough.

close

↓

You guys ever listened to the lyrics to that song?

listened lyrics song

↓

- It's super dark. - Is it?

dark super

↓

- Mm-mm. - Yeah, it's about

↓

a guy trying to cheat on his wife.

cheat wife

↓

Don't tell me that, man. It's, like, such a happy song.

happy song

↓

You know? Who doesn't like piña coladas?

coladas

↓

I don't. You know, they're not my first choice.

choice

↓

Just as a woman on the go, I got to be able

able woman

↓

to really put 'em back, and if you drink those too fast,

drink fast

↓

- you'll get that-that frozen headache. - Hmm.

frozen headache

↓

As a straight man, I actually love piña coladas,

coladas love straight

↓

but I don't like getting caught in the rain.

caught rain

↓

It flattens my hair. Yeah.

hair

↓

And you guys know how great I look in leather.

leather

↓

As a gay man, I do.

↓

And that's what's so annoying about you, Mac.

annoying

↓

That's not really a gay thing. That's just a you thing.

↓

It's so annoying.

annoying

↓

What about that bullshit about making love until midnight?

bullshit love midnight

↓

I mean, as a senior citizen,

citizen senior senior-citizen

↓

- I can't get it up past 6:00, 6:30, tops. - Mm...

past tops

↓

- Really? - Oh, geez. I got that

geez

↓

- to look forward to, huh? - Really.

forward

↓

You know, as a straight man who poops transgender...

poops straight transgender

↓

- You got to just let that go. - I'll probably stop doing that.

↓

- It's not a thing. - It's time to stop doing that.

↓

I guess, you know, guys, when it comes down to it,

comes

↓

we all identify very differently out here.

differently identify

↓

You know? But in there...

↓

in there, we're not so different.

↓

In there, we're all the same.

↓

In there, we're all just disgusting, vulnerable, ashamed.

ashamed disgusting vulnerable

↓

Like a bunch of filthy animals dumping in a shithouse.

animals bunch dumping filthy

↓

It's the one common thing amongst a-a king and a pauper.

amongst common king

↓

- Right. - You know? We all got to take a shit.

↓

Yeah, right. Why are we trying to make everyone

↓

feel comfortable in there? When the truth is

comfortable truth

↓

no one's ever gonna feel comfortable shitting next

comfortable ones shitting

↓

to another human being. It's just awkward.

another another-human awkward human

↓

Well, if we're never gonna get

↓

anybody to feel good about shitting together,

anybody shitting

↓

how are we gonna solve the problem?

problem solve

↓

Hold on a second. Hold on. Listen.

second

↓

- If we're all the same in there... - Uh-huh.

↓

then why don't we just focus on treating other people

focus treating

↓

the way that we want to be treated?

treated

↓

Dee...

↓

we were just talking,

↓

- and you just barged right in. - Yeah, shut the fuck up.

fuck

↓

- Shut the fuck up. - Like, interrupting and talking nonsense.

fuck interrupting nonsense

↓

- That was, like, so pretentious. - Yeah.

pretentious

↓

- Something very pretentious about it. - We were talking.

pretentious

↓

- I really feel like we're right in the... - All right. Okay.

↓

Hey, you know what, guys? I think I may have just come up

↓

with a solution for our bathroom problem.

bathroom problem solution

↓

Uh-huh.

↓

- Yeah, that'll do it. - There we go.

thatll

↓

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's perfectly clear. - We did it.

clear perfectly perfectly-clear

↓

Guys, if we leave right now, we can still make the concert.

concert

↓

- Let's do it. - Buffett!

buffett

↓

Ooh, let's go.

↓

♪ If you like piña coladas ♪

coladas

↓

♪ And getting caught ♪

caught

↓

♪ In the rain ♪

rain

↓

♪ If you're not into yoga ♪

yoga

↓

♪ If you have half a brain ♪

brain half

↓

♪ If you like making love at midnight ♪

love midnight

↓

♪ In the dunes of the cape ♪

cape

↓

♪ Then I'm the love that you've looked for ♪

looked love

↓

♪ Write to me and escape ♪

escape write

↓

♪ I didn't think about my lady ♪

lady

↓

♪ I know that sounds... ♪

sounds

↓

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

access access-group captioned group media media-access media-access-group wgbh