Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S13E06 — The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 13, Episode 6 — The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem

All right, well, that about does it,

#1

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which means we are officially

#2

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- on island time. - Oh, yeah.

#3

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- Yeah, baby. - Here we go.

#4

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- Island time. - Ah, Frank.

#5

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I'm so excited about this concert.

#6

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- Thank you for the tickets. - Yeah.

#7

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- Oh, I love Jimmy Buffett. - Oh, yeah.

#8

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And those Parrothead broads, they're wild.

#9

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- I noticed that. They're nuts. - Yeah, yeah.

#10

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I hope he plays "The Piña Colada Song," man.

#12

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- Oh, yeah, that's the best. - I gotta hear it.

#13

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Yeah, I wish he would, too, but he won't,

#14

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'cause that's, uh, that's not Buffett.

#15

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- Huh? - Yeah, no. H-He does.

#16

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It's, uh, the one that goes...

#17

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- ♪ If you like piña coladas ♪ - ♪ Coladas ♪

#18

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Yeah, no, I know the song, I know the song,

#20

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but it's sung by a man named Rupert Holmes.

#21

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- Who? - Are you sure? I feel like that's Buffett.

#22

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We've been going to see Buffett for 20 years.

#23

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No, but he's not gonna play all

#25

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of his hits every single time.

#26

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Yeah, no, he is. That's what he does.

#27

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That's actually the only thing he does.

#28

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And that's just not one of them. But, hey, listen, buddy,

#29

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and request away. I won't stop you.

#31

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♪ If you like making love at midnight ♪

#32

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Oh! I hope he plays that one.

#34

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- Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all do. - Yeah, he won't, he won't.

#35

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- W-Were you in the women's room? - Mm-hmm.

#36

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Well, don't do that. Don't use my bathroom.

#37

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Why not?

#38

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Oh, no. Well, now, as a gay man,

#40

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I just feel more comfortable in the ladies' room.

#41

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Oh, come on, the-- with the gay thing again.

#42

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Like, look, it makes me uncomfortable

#43

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that you're in there using my bathroom. How about that?

#44

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Look, the whole men's and women's

#45

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bathroom thing is antiquated.

#46

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Get off me! Get off me!

#48

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- Get him off me! - Settle down!

#49

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Don't. Come on. L-Listen--

#50

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I know, I know, listen.

#51

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We always do this. We...

#52

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We always get in some major tiff right before Buffett,

#53

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and then, you know, it just, it just ruins

#54

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- the whole island vibe, you know? - Yeah.

#55

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Come on. We're not doing that this time.

#56

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All right? This whole bathroom issue

#57

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is a simple problem with a simple solution.

#58

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So why don't we just sit here and let's just figure it out.

#59

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All right, now we're talking.

#60

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I tell ya, there's never been a problem so big,

#61

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and a little Chinese takeout.

#63

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We should've got cheeseburgers.

#64

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for paradise.

#66

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- I get it. - That is Buffett, that one, right?

#67

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- Yeah, that's Buffett. - That's Buffett, okay, cool.

#68

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Uh, if I may go first. I'd like to go first.

#69

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Oh, are we doing a whole stand up...?

#70

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- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gonna do it.

#71

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Now, guys, I believe that, as a gay man,

#72

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because I feel more comfortable around women.

#74

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- Okay, why? - Well, "A," we both like dudes,

#75

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- so there's no hanky-panky. - Well, that tracks.

#77

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- Yeah, sure, that makes sense. - Yeah, yeah.

#78

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Done! I'm using the ladies' bathroom, right?

#79

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N-n-n-n-n-n-- My turn.

#80

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- My turn, right? - Oh, do you have to...?

#81

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- The floor is yours. - I thought Mac just solved it.

#82

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- No. No, no. Okay. - No. -All right.

#83

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for example-- and, "B," I find you disgusting.

#85

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I don't want men pooping next to me.

#86

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Would you let a trans woman go in there?

#87

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Of course I would.

#88

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- But not me? - No, not you, because you're a man.

#89

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You're a gay man, but you're still a man.

#90

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I don't know why you're being such a bitch

#91

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about this, Dee. I've been pooping next to you for months.

#92

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- What are you talking about? - You've been in the stall

#93

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next to me.

#94

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I-I recognize you from those pink heels you have.

#95

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The ones with the straps that-that make those giant feet

#97

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look so dainty and cute.

#98

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Mac, I don't know what you're talking about.

#99

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Mm, uh...

#100

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is about why this bathroom is so much cleaner than ours.

#104

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Don't worry about it, this is the last time

#105

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you're gonna be in here.

#106

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Charlie, what is taking so long?

#107

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Give me a minute. Give me a minute!

#108

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Uh...

#109

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Oh, there they are!

#110

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Those are the pink heels I was talking about.

#111

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Charlie, are you a cross-dresser?

#112

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No! I just like to use the women's bathroom,

#113

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And very clean.

#115

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Yeah, and, look, I-I just,

#116

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whatever, I slip on the heels,

#117

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in case someone looked under the stall.

#118

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I didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable.

#119

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- That's it. - Okay. But what's with the wig?

#120

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Come on!

#121

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Don't make me do the whole thing.

#122

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Goddamn it. It...

#125

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the whole look together, so, you know...

#128

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You are a cross-dresser.

#129

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No, I'm not. Look, I was raised

#130

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by a single mother, you know?

#131

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And we were always on the go, and sometimes

#132

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we'd be at, like, a museum or, you know, a stadium,

#133

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and I'd have to go to the bathroom, and my mom wasn't

#134

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gonna put me in the men's room by myself,

#135

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She would slip it on, and I would go in and out

#137

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of the women's bathroom and no one would notice.

#138

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And then, you know, as the years went by,

#139

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I just got more comfortable pooping

#140

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with a dress, so, whatever, it's not that weird.

#141

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- Hold on, though, it's very, very weird. - It is so weird.

#142

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Look, lots of people do it. It's...

#143

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- I doubt it. - I don't know anybody who does it.

#144

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- Uh, no. - Not one person on the planet.

#145

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It is what it is, I mean,

#146

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it's the only way I can poop, so...

#147

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- O-kay. - I guess it is what it is.

#148

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- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. - It is what it is, and it is very strange,

#149

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but it does bring up an interesting point.

#150

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You see, Dee, you did mention moments ago

#151

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that you would be comfortable having

#152

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a transgender woman use your bathroom.

#153

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Of course I would, so what?

#154

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- Well... - No. That's not,

#155

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that's not the same thing, he's not transgender.

#156

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Well, no. He's-he's not transgender,

#157

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but he identifies as a woman when he poops.

#158

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No. No. Goddamn it, you're only saying that

#159

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'cause my bathroom's nicer.

#160

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No, no. I-I think, I think Mac is right.

#161

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I think this system is antiquated, and I think--

#162

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- Is that, is that a hand dryer? - Oh, damn.

#163

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- Yeah, there's a hand dryer in here. - Oh, goddamn it.

#164

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Well, let's vote. All those in favor.

#165

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- MAC/DENNIS/CHARLIE/FRANK: Aye. - No. Goddamn it.

#166

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Nice. Okay, well, I knew we could solve it, guys.

#167

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- This is great. - And then should we also change

#168

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the signs on the doors

#169

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to reflect that it's not a boys' room

#170

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- and a girls' room anymore? - Right. Yeah, no.

#171

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We'll pop some new signs on there real fast.

#172

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You know, so it's clear that any gender can use any bathroom.

#173

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- Yeah, yeah. - How hard could that be?

#174

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The dress is making me have to poop really bad, so I'm gonna...

#175

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Okay, let's do it.

#176

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- Oh, goddamn it. - Gotta poop, gotta poop.

#177

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W-Wait, wait, wait, wait. So, I'm sorry,

#178

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what's wrong with this one again?

#179

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Well, I think it's confusing, is what the problem is.

#180

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- Mm. Mm-hmm. - Like, maybe we need words

#181

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or something.

#182

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Well, also, like, what's with the floating starfish

#183

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trying to eat the rock?

#184

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- That's a baby. - That's a baby?

#185

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- Yes, that's a... - That's a baby?

#186

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So, now what's happening, you got wheelchair guy's back there

#187

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throwing babies around trying to get them in wheelchairs?

#188

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- It's confusing. - Okay, all right.

#189

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So what if I cover up the baby, how about now?

#190

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I don't get it. Now it looks like you either got to be

#191

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in a wheelchair or a he-she to go poop in there.

#192

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No, no, no, no, Frank, come on, don't say "he-she."

#193

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What?

#194

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- It's hermaphrodite. - Oh, nope.

#195

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Dee, you can't say that anymore, either.

#196

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- It's intersex. - Well, this is all confusing.

#197

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Why do I have to keep learning new things?

#198

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How about this?

#199

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We'll call the bathrooms gender neutral.

#200

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That makes me uncomfortable, because I'm not neutral

#201

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- about my gender. - Mm.

#202

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- So now you're uncomfortable, okay. - Okay.

#203

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We put one sign on each door, both of them say "gender fluid."

#204

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Right. 'Cause that-that implies, like, you're this,

#205

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- you're that. - I don't know. I don't like

#206

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thinking about gender fluids.

#207

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Like, just, uh, it's a gross image to me.

#208

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- All right. Well... - You know what? Look, look.

#209

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It's just all so confusing.

#210

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You know, we got to make this much simpler.

#211

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I have an idea, if I could just go do one that I think will

#212

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- clear it all up. - Great. Go for it, buddy. Hop to it.

#213

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All right, do it, yeah.

#214

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- Quick. - Is the Internet working?

#215

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- Hmm... - Well, hang on. Hey.

#216

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Yes, but you stay off it. You stay...

#217

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- No. No. - No, no. I'm just...

#218

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You crashed our last three laptops, man.

#219

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- You are not doing it again. - Bring it out here.

#220

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Do it out here where we can see what you're doing.

#221

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- No, I'll do it in the office. - Do it in front of us.

#222

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It'll take me, like, two minutes. Two minutes.

#223

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- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - You go fast.

#224

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I'm-I'm finished.

#225

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- I'm finally finished. - Oh, God. It's about time.

#226

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Goddamn it.

#227

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- He's limping. - Are you chafed?

#228

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- He's chafed. - Huh? Oh, yeah. Super chafed.

#229

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Hey, do you know

#230

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how to get Russian malware out of a computer?

#231

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- No. - Then the computer's broken. Yeah.

#232

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- Yeah. - Aw!

#233

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- Yeah, but the sign's done. - All right, man.

#234

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Let's see what you got.

#235

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What do you think?

#236

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Well, I don't know what I'm looking at.

#237

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Yeah. What-what am I seeing here?

#238

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It's just dicks.

#239

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- No. There's... I mean, yes. - Oh.

#240

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There are a couple of dicks, but...

#241

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- It's mostly dicks. - That's a lot of dicks.

#242

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- Oh, now... now all I see is dicks. - Mm-hmm.

#243

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No, there's also pictures

#244

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of road kill and roast beef sandwiches

#245

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to accurately depict what a vagina looks like.

#246

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- Okay. - Anyone else uncomfortable?

#247

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All right. Moving on.

#248

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All right. I'm just gonna go back to the office.

#249

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- No, you stay here. - No. No, no, no. No!

#250

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You are not going back to the...

#251

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- Yeah. - All right, all right.

#252

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So, this... I think this covers it all, right?

#253

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think. Yeah. There's the man.

#254

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- Uh-huh. - The woman.

#255

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- Mm-hmm. - That's the he-shes,

#256

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or the interspecies, whatever it is.

#257

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Yeah, whatever you said.

#258

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And this is Christians,

#259

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- Muslims. - I assume

#260

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the dollar sign is meant to represent Jews?

#261

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Well, it ain't the Mormons.

#262

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- Uh... - Let's not get into that.

#263

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Okay, you know what?

#264

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- Why-why are we bringing...? - I was against it. Yeah.

#265

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Why are we bringing religion into this at all?

#266

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Because I want to know who's in there,

#267

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- because it'll make me feel safer. - Oh, goddamn.

#268

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Can we please put two signs on the doors?

#269

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- Both signs say "toilet." - Yeah...

#270

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- Oh. - There's a toilet in there,

#271

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and that's all you really need to know.

#272

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You make a good point. I think that would work.

#273

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Could say "toilet,"

#274

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and then it's kind of your choice which one you use.

#275

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- Just "toilet." - That actually does work.

#276

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- I feel like that totally works. - Yeah.

#277

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- We solved it? - Okay, great. We so...

#278

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- Did we do it? - We solved it!

#279

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- We solved it! - Oh, my God!

#280

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- Let's get the hell out of here. - All right.

#281

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I feel like it was my idea, but, yeah.

#282

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Oh, you son of a bitch. Just go.

#283

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- I think I said it first. - Just go.

#284

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You guys, you go, and I'll-I'll lock up, okay?

#285

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I've had Chinese food. It wants out, so...

#286

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- Yeah. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

#287

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whoa, whoa, whoa.

#288

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Why aren't you using the good bathroom?

#289

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Well, 'cause I'm about to do some real damage.

#290

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I don't... I don't want to do it in the good bathroom.

#291

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Well, I'm-I'm uncomfortable with that.

#292

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- How? - So close.

#293

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We were so close.

#294

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Well, because I just don't want to share my bathroom

#295

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- with a bunch of broads. - What happened, Frank?

#296

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- We decided we were all cool with it. - We were fine.

#297

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I didn't know she was gonna smash in there.

#298

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A woman is not a lady when she's dumping up a john.

#299

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Also, this brings up an interesting point.

#300

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We should probably confine Dee's damage

#301

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to, like, one bathroom or the other, you know?

#302

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Otherwise, I'm gonna have to clean both.

#303

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Charlie, you're the janitor.

#304

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You should be cleaning both bathrooms regardless.

#305

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- He hasn't been. - Clean both bathrooms!

#306

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I do it.

#307

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Yeah, all right. Well, now you're just, like,

#308

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kind of getting off-topic here, you know?

#309

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I have an idea. The guys should be able

#310

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to pick whichever bathroom they want.

#311

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- Dee has to stay in hers. - What?!

#312

⇓

- All in favor. - Hey, that's majority rules.

#313

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- Get out of here. - Yeah, yeah.

#314

⇓

- There you go. Solves it. - No. No, no, no.

#315

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Absolutely not. No. You guys can't take away

#316

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my right to choose.

#317

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- Oh, you want to go there? - I do want to go there.

#318

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My body, my choice. It says so in the Constitution.

#319

⇓

- Okay, well, the Bible says... - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

#320

⇓

No, no, no, no, no, no. Guys, don't do this. No, come on.

#321

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It's crazy. All right. Don't make this about abortion.

#322

⇓

Guys, we always do this. We veer wildly off-topic,

#323

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and the next thing you know, we're having some ridiculous

#324

⇓

argument that has nothing to do with what we're trying

#325

⇓

- to solve, you know. - And then tempers flare.

#326

⇓

Exactly. We're talking about evolution all of a sudden.

#327

⇓

Then we're arguing about racism or whether or not ghouls exist.

#328

⇓

- They do, though, 'cause I've seen one. - No, they don't.

#329

⇓

- No, they do. - You-you've never seen them.

#330

⇓

- Yes, I have seen them. - No, you haven't.

#331

⇓

- Yes, I have! - Oh!

#332

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

#333

⇓

- No, wait! Hey, stop! Hey, stop! - Charlie!

#334

⇓

- You stupid twink! - I'm a bear! I'm a bear!

#335

⇓

- You wish you were a bear! - Take it easy! Hey!

#336

⇓

Get-- Stop! We're off-topic. This is not Buffett.

#337

⇓

This is not... We're not being very Buffett right now.

#338

⇓

- That was not Buffett at all. - We're not being very Buffett.

#339

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- It wasn't very Buffett of me. - It's not Buffett, man.

#340

⇓

All right, all right. Oh! I got an idea.

#341

⇓

It should just be about what's going on in there, right?

#342

⇓

What if we have

#343

⇓

separate bathrooms... for separate bodily functions?

#344

⇓

Oh, like a piss room and a shit room.

#345

⇓

Yeah. Exactly, okay? And, uh, we just

#346

⇓

put very simple labels on the door.

#347

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Room number one for when you got to empty your balls,

#348

⇓

and room number two for when you got to empty your butt.

#349

⇓

Pee is not in your balls, but... yeah. Okay.

#350

⇓

No. I don't think it's gonna work because

#351

⇓

nobody can shit when everybody knows you're shitting.

#352

⇓

- Why not? Everybody shits. - Yeah.

#353

⇓

Yeah, but it's a shameful act that we all do in secret.

#354

⇓

- That's true. - Even dogs know that.

#355

⇓

You ever see their eyes when they're doing it?

#356

⇓

- They know. - Mm.

#357

⇓

They look at you like this.

#358

⇓

- Yeah. - Yeah. They're ashamed.

#359

⇓

Yeah, well, guys, it's a system that invites abuse.

#360

⇓

I mean, who here would use the piss room to shit?

#361

⇓

No, that's the whole point, is that you just pee in it.

#362

⇓

- I wouldn't do that. - You use the shit room to shit.

#363

⇓

Yeah. No one's gonna do that.

#364

⇓

- Pee over there. - Really?

#365

⇓

Yeah. I'd-I'd poop in the pee room.

#366

⇓

I would poop immediately in the pee room.

#367

⇓

100% of the time I will shit in the piss room.

#368

⇓

- You're totally right. - Actually, don't like this idea.

#369

⇓

See? There you go. I rest my case.

#370

⇓

Yeah. But you know what? Maybe people would be

#371

⇓

a little less inclined to cheat, and they wouldn't feel ashamed,

#372

⇓

if they had a little bit more privacy.

#373

⇓

Like, what if the partitions

#374

⇓

went all the way down to the ground?

#375

⇓

- Hmm. - Yeah?

#376

⇓

And you created sort of a dome of privacy.

#377

⇓

- So you're closed in. - You're closed in.

#378

⇓

You know what you could do? You could add

#379

⇓

a scented candle in there for the smells.

#380

⇓

- Right. - And some noise to cover the sounds.

#381

⇓

- Mm-hmm. - Yes.

#382

⇓

Loud noise, like screaming.

#383

⇓

- Mm-hmm. - Or just music.

#384

⇓

Let's do music. Guys, we're making progress. This is great.

#385

⇓

I'll tell you what. Uh, Dee, why don't you go grab some cardboard

#386

⇓

- for the partitions. - Yep, yep.

#387

⇓

And, um, I'll order us some breakfast burritos.

#388

⇓

- It's getting to that time. - 'Cause I'm getting hungry.

#389

⇓

- Yeah! - Tasty.

#390

⇓

- Extra bacon for you? - Okay, okay. Yeah

#391

⇓

- Extra bacon, baby. - All right.

#392

⇓

The screaming's kind of cool, right?

#393

⇓

It's better. It's better. Works better than the music.

#394

⇓

- I never would've thought. - Yeah, yeah.

#395

⇓

The music, it was like, I felt like I could hear maybe

#396

⇓

a poop or a pee happening, but the screams are...

#397

⇓

Right.

#398

⇓

And I honestly, I feel like I'm not even in a bathroom

#399

⇓

- right now. - Yeah. Here you are eating a burrito.

#400

⇓

- Yeah. Yeah. - In a bathroom.

#401

⇓

- Oh! That was great. - Yeah, how'd that go? Yeah?

#402

⇓

I did something in there. I'm not gonna tell you what, though.

#403

⇓

Well, there's no need. I couldn't hear a thing,

#404

⇓

- and I can't smell a thing, so... - Yeah. Yeah.

#405

⇓

Hey, Frank, how's it going in there, man?

#406

⇓

The walls are too high. I don't know where to aim.

#407

⇓

- Aim? Aim-aim at the bowl. The toilet. - You just aim at the toilet.

#408

⇓

- The same spot. - What are you talking about?

#409

⇓

- Ah! - Whoa! Hey!

#410

⇓

Oh! Goddamn it.

#411

⇓

Never sneak up on a man like that,

#412

⇓

especially when he's at his most vulnerable.

#413

⇓

Why do you have a gun on the toilet?

#414

⇓

I always carry a gun on the toilet.

#415

⇓

Otherwise, I can't make.

#416

⇓

Well, now I'm very uncomfortable.

#417

⇓

Well, tough titties.

#418

⇓

I got the right to defend myself.

#419

⇓

It's in the Constitution.

#420

⇓

Have you ever read the Constitution?

#421

⇓

Yes.

#422

⇓

No.

#423

⇓

This is wild stuff.

#424

⇓

There's a part in here that says that freed slaves

#425

⇓

are only three-fifths of a person.

#426

⇓

- It's wild. Yeah. - Really? It says that in there?

#427

⇓

I can't imagine where you're going with this, Frank.

#428

⇓

Well, I was figuring that if we handled

#429

⇓

this problem like the Constitution, that would mean

#430

⇓

that white landowners would get a full bathroom.

#431

⇓

Everybody else gets three-fifths.

#432

⇓

How do you use three-fifths of a bathroom?

#433

⇓

Piss in the sink.

#434

⇓

I beg you to stop using the Constitution

#435

⇓

in the way that you're using it.

#436

⇓

Listen. Frank just gave me a good idea.

#437

⇓

- Hmm. - Okay.

#438

⇓

Reparations.

#439

⇓

Look, minorities have been treated

#440

⇓

like shit in this country for so long, right?

#441

⇓

So, I say we give them the good bathroom.

#442

⇓

You know? I mean, for years and years, they've been oppressed.

#443

⇓

The least we can give them is, you know,

#444

⇓

a nice place to piss and shit, right?

#445

⇓

And we got to put up a sign so that they know their place.

#446

⇓

Now, are-are you proposing that we put a sign

#447

⇓

on one of the bathrooms that says "minorities only"?

#448

⇓

What does the other sign say?

#449

⇓

- "No minorities allowed." - That's crazy.

#450

⇓

- Do you hear yourself? - That's bad.

#451

⇓

You hear where you're running into trouble there, right?

#452

⇓

- !! - No, no, it's super progressive.

#453

⇓

- No... - Yeah, i-it's a bathroom

#454

⇓

- for women, non-whites, and gays. - Uh...

#455

⇓

Oh, oh!

#456

⇓

Oh, I get it.

#457

⇓

And I-I'm 100% on board.

#458

⇓

I agree. I'm with you.

#459

⇓

Wait a second, Dee. So now you're okay

#460

⇓

with Mac using your bathroom?

#461

⇓

Yeah. As long as the majority of the people

#462

⇓

aren't taking a shit in my bathroom, sure.

#463

⇓

Okay, well, let's just go ahead and vote for it. Ch-Charlie?

#464

⇓

W-Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second there.

#465

⇓

Before you vote, uh, Charlie, uh, you know,

#466

⇓

consider this-- there's-there's no shame

#467

⇓

in doing what's best for the majority.

#468

⇓

I mean, that is what a democracy is, right?

#469

⇓

It's trying to please the greatest number

#470

⇓

of people in a country.

#471

⇓

- White people. - Please don't help.

#472

⇓

Okay? Yeah. Uh, what I'm saying is

#473

⇓

that you're never gonna be able to please everybody.

#474

⇓

It's just-- There's no way, you know what I mean?

#475

⇓

And, of course, everybody wants their own little piece

#476

⇓

of paradise, right? I like mine with--

#477

⇓

I like mine with lettuce and tomato.

#478

⇓

♪ Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes. ♪

#479

⇓

- Mm. - But that's just me, you know?

#480

⇓

There's a small minority of people out there,

#481

⇓

they like their cheeseburgers with pineapple.

#482

⇓

Oh, yeah, I know. Get the hell out of here.

#483

⇓

Ew.

#484

⇓

- Gross. - What are you thinking?

#485

⇓

You know what I mean?

#486

⇓

But there is a minority out there, and that's how

#487

⇓

they like it. But are we saying that, for those people's sake,

#488

⇓

we got to have every single hamburger store

#489

⇓

in the whole country offer pineapples

#490

⇓

on their cheeseburgers? I don't think that's right.

#491

⇓

We'll run out of pineapples.

#492

⇓

Mm-mm. We ought to take it off the pizza, too.

#493

⇓

Hawaiians are savages.

#494

⇓

Okay, you're not helping, all right?

#495

⇓

Your racism is making-- I hate when you're on my side.

#496

⇓

Mm-hmm. Okay, all good points, you know, strongly made.

#497

⇓

I like the hat. I was focused on that most of the time.

#498

⇓

But I-I'm kind of leaning towards you.

#499

⇓

I don't know why. It might be the shirt.

#500

⇓

Look, majority rules may have worked in medieval times,

#501

⇓

but we live in a civil society now.

#502

⇓

And societies are judged on how

#503

⇓

they treat their most vulnerable.

#504

⇓

See, we have to give voices to those who have no voice.

#505

⇓

- He's right-- - Shut up, Dee! I'm talking!

#506

⇓

Women are always... Goddamn it.

#507

⇓

Look, what I was saying was that we need to protect

#508

⇓

those most marginalized, okay?

#509

⇓

We need to change our attitudes.

#510

⇓

We need to change our latitudes.

#511

⇓

And we need to vote for a minorities-only bathroom.

#512

⇓

Okay, uh, also good, strong points there made forcefully.

#513

⇓

I was distracted by the shiny shirt. That's cool.

#514

⇓

I liked when you snapped at Dee.

#515

⇓

It was annoying when she chimed in.

#516

⇓

Um, so maybe I'm leaning towards you now. I don't know.

#517

⇓

Okay, well, then that means we're all voting for...

#518

⇓

Oh!

#519

⇓

Wait, wait, wait! I just looked up the demographics of Philly.

#520

⇓

It says here that this city is 54% women

#521

⇓

and 68% Christian.

#522

⇓

- Whoa. - Which means that Mac and Dee

#523

⇓

are in the majority.

#524

⇓

- Wait, wait, wait, is that true? - Uh-huh.

#525

⇓

It also says that 52% are black,

#526

⇓

which means white men,

#527

⇓

like me and Dennis,

#528

⇓

are in the minority.

#529

⇓

Uh-oh, we're minorities, which means that,

#530

⇓

by your own argument,

#531

⇓

we actually should get the good bathroom.

#532

⇓

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I-I'm gay,

#533

⇓

so that-that still means that I'm a minority.

#534

⇓

Yeah, but are you more gay than you are Catholic?

#535

⇓

I don't know. They're at war.

#536

⇓

It's all very confusing. Where--

#537

⇓

What does it say about transgenders...?

#538

⇓

- Less than one percent. - Yeah.

#539

⇓

So what am I?

#540

⇓

You are white.

#541

⇓

Okay, and I'm a...?

#542

⇓

Man.

#543

⇓

And that would make me...?

#544

⇓

- In the minority. - Which means I go towards...?

#545

⇓

Us. Y-You know what? Frank, you explain it to him.

#546

⇓

I'm gonna-- I'm g-- I'll-I'll kill--

#547

⇓

- I'll-I'll smash him and, uh... - You get the good bathroom.

#548

⇓

- If I come with you? Okay, it was clear-- - Yes.

#549

⇓

It wasn't totally clear before,

#550

⇓

- but I get it now. - It should've been.

#551

⇓

Oh, boy. Yeah, okay, so yes.

#552

⇓

2-I got it.

#553

⇓

So all those in favor of doing the actual right thing

#554

⇓

and giving the minorities the good bathroom,

#555

⇓

- let's go ahead and raise your hand. - Yeah. Hey!

#556

⇓

- Okay, all right! Great, hey. - Okay.

#557

⇓

Finally, a win for straight white men, right?

#558

⇓

Great.

#559

⇓

- Now we're talking. Yeah. - Yeah! Finally, something for us.

#560

⇓

- We got it. Yeah. Something for the guys. - Something for us. Okay.

#561

⇓

- Yeah, let's go to Buffett! - All right, we're gonna--

#562

⇓

- Anybody want cheeseburgers? - All right.

#563

⇓

- I'm gonna get the grill ready. - Well, yeah, hey, if I'm headed

#564

⇓

to paradise, I'm gonna want a cheeseburger.

#565

⇓

Let's roll!

#566

⇓

- What-what are you guys doing? Let's go. - Let's go.

#567

⇓

We're not going.

#568

⇓

What do you mean you're not going? What?

#569

⇓

You used Buffett's words

#570

⇓

to promote discrimination, dude.

#571

⇓

It's not cool.

#572

⇓

No, but you guys have to go. I mean,

#573

⇓

you're the only two other real Parrotheads of the bunch.

#574

⇓

I mean, Frank's just going 'cause the chicks are wild.

#575

⇓

You know what I mean?

#576

⇓

And, Charlie, he doesn't know what's going on.

#577

⇓

I know.

#578

⇓

- Yes, I do. - He has no-- No. What are the songs?

#579

⇓

- What's another Buffett song? - ♪ Aruba, Jamaica... ♪

#580

⇓

- That's Beach Boys. - It is.

#581

⇓

- I don't know the songs. - Yeah. That's the Beach Boys.

#582

⇓

Well, there's no sense in going to Buffett

#583

⇓

if they're not-- we're not all gonna go.

#584

⇓

Then we're not going to Buffett.

#585

⇓

♪ If you like piña coladas... ♪

#586

⇓

Please don't, Charlie. It's too-- it-it--

#587

⇓

- It hurts too much. - I thought you-- Come on, man.

#588

⇓

I thought you said it wasn't Buffett.

#589

⇓

Yeah, but i-it's close enough.

#590

⇓

You guys ever listened to the lyrics to that song?

#591

⇓

- It's super dark. - Is it?

#592

⇓

- Mm-mm. - Yeah, it's about

#593

⇓

a guy trying to cheat on his wife.

#594

⇓

Don't tell me that, man. It's, like, such a happy song.

#595

⇓

You know? Who doesn't like piña coladas?

#596

⇓

I don't. You know, they're not my first choice.

#597

⇓

Just as a woman on the go, I got to be able

#598

⇓

to really put 'em back, and if you drink those too fast,

#599

⇓

- you'll get that-that frozen headache. - Hmm.

#600

⇓

As a straight man, I actually love piña coladas,

#601

⇓

but I don't like getting caught in the rain.

#602

⇓

It flattens my hair. Yeah.

#603

⇓

And you guys know how great I look in leather.

#604

⇓

As a gay man, I do.

#605

⇓

And that's what's so annoying about you, Mac.

#606

⇓

That's not really a gay thing. That's just a you thing.

#607

⇓

It's so annoying.

#608

⇓

What about that bullshit about making love until midnight?

#609

⇓

I mean, as a senior citizen,

#610

⇓

- I can't get it up past 6:00, 6:30, tops. - Mm...

#611

⇓

- Really? - Oh, geez. I got that

#612

⇓

- to look forward to, huh? - Really.

#613

⇓

You know, as a straight man who poops transgender...

#614

⇓

- You got to just let that go. - I'll probably stop doing that.

#615

⇓

- It's not a thing. - It's time to stop doing that.

#616

⇓

I guess, you know, guys, when it comes down to it,

#617

⇓

we all identify very differently out here.

#618

⇓

You know? But in there...

#619

⇓

in there, we're not so different.

#620

⇓

In there, we're all the same.

#621

⇓

In there, we're all just disgusting, vulnerable, ashamed.

#622

⇓

Like a bunch of filthy animals dumping in a shithouse.

#623

⇓

It's the one common thing amongst a-a king and a pauper.

#624

⇓

- Right. - You know? We all got to take a shit.

#625

⇓

Yeah, right. Why are we trying to make everyone

#626

⇓

feel comfortable in there? When the truth is

#627

⇓

no one's ever gonna feel comfortable shitting next

#628

⇓

to another human being. It's just awkward.

#629

⇓

Well, if we're never gonna get

#630

⇓

anybody to feel good about shitting together,

#631

⇓

how are we gonna solve the problem?

#632

⇓

Hold on a second. Hold on. Listen.

#633

⇓

- If we're all the same in there... - Uh-huh.

#634

⇓

then why don't we just focus on treating other people

#635

⇓

the way that we want to be treated?

#636

⇓

Dee...

#637

⇓

we were just talking,

#638

⇓

- and you just barged right in. - Yeah, shut the fuck up.

#639

⇓

- Shut the fuck up. - Like, interrupting and talking nonsense.

#640

⇓

- That was, like, so pretentious. - Yeah.

#641

⇓

- Something very pretentious about it. - We were talking.

#642

⇓

- I really feel like we're right in the... - All right. Okay.

#643

⇓

Hey, you know what, guys? I think I may have just come up

#644

⇓

with a solution for our bathroom problem.

#645

⇓

Uh-huh.

#646

⇓

- Yeah, that'll do it. - There we go.

#647

⇓

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's perfectly clear. - We did it.

#648

⇓

Guys, if we leave right now, we can still make the concert.

#649

⇓

- Let's do it. - Buffett!

#650

⇓

Ooh, let's go.

#651

⇓

♪ If you like piña coladas ♪

#652

⇓

♪ And getting caught ♪

#653

⇓

♪ In the rain ♪

#654

⇓

♪ If you're not into yoga ♪

#655

⇓

♪ If you have half a brain ♪

#656

⇓

♪ If you like making love at midnight ♪

#657

⇓

♪ In the dunes of the cape ♪

#658

⇓

♪ Then I'm the love that you've looked for ♪

#659

⇓

♪ Write to me and escape ♪

#660

⇓

♪ I didn't think about my lady ♪

#661

⇓

♪ I know that sounds... ♪

#662

⇓

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

#663

⇓