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Malcolm in the Middle

Season 4, Episode 11 โ€” Long Drive

TMDB episode metadata
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I can't believe we're locked out. Mom won't be home until 6:00.
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Hang on, I know how to get in.
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- Here it is. - I'll do it.
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Thanks. That credit card thing takes hours.
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โ™ช Yes, no, maybe โ™ช
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โ™ช I don't know โ™ช
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โ™ช Life is unfair โ™ช
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Well, what am I supposed to sniff while you're gone?
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A-ha! No coaster. Look at that ring.
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That is why I have to move out of this house.
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what are you doing?
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Killing the baby.
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Killing the baby.
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Every time you run through the house,
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every time you destroy furniture,
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every time you fight with each other, you are killing the baby.
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Lois, the doctor just said you should avoid stress.
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and putting it in that baby's tiny little heart.
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- Will you stop saying that? - I hope you boys have the character
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- We're sorry. - Yes, Mom.
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She's just trying to save face.
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She doesn't want to admit that we actually drove her from the house.
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And now we're in charge.
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Helga, this cheese is magnificent.
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Would you like to try just a little bite?
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No? How could you not like cheese?
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It is made from something that comes from you.
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- Hey, Otto. - Oh!
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Francis.
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No, but I did get in the new branding iron.
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Otto, I know how much you love Helga, but we have to do this.
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I told her one ghost story around the campfire,
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and she had to sleep between me and Gretchen for a week.
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โ™ช And I don't give a damn About a greenback-a-dollar โ™ช
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โ™ช Greenback-a-dollar โ™ช
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- โ™ช Spend it fast as I can โ™ช - โ™ช As fast as I can โ™ช
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โ™ช For a wailin' song and a good guitar โ™ช
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โ™ช The only things that I understand โ™ช
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โ™ช Poor boy โ™ช
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โ™ช The only things that I understand โ™ช
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- Yes. - All right!
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That little elbow move you added, where did you come up with that?
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You got me. I was in the zone.
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All right, all right. Can we get back to work?
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What? That was perfect.
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- Yeah. - Yeah. Come on.
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Was it so perfect that you are ready to go up on stage with it
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at the Elks Club Founders Dinner?
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What did you say?
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I've been waiting to tell you. I got us the gig.
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Impossible.
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They haven't taken a new act in years.
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It's easier to get on the wait list for a new heart.
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I know, but this morning at the gas station, I saw Eddie Eigen.
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He come up to me to say hi, and he slipped on an oil stain.
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- He can't perform. - You're kidding.
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No, I tell you, it's like God backed up that minivan over his ventriloquist hand.
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So, Eddie uses my cell phone to cancel with the club.
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Two minutes later, I push redial and got us the gig.
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You are the man.
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I cannot believe you don't trust me, Daddy.
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I'm not seeing Malcolm! I don't even like him.
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I haven't talked to him in over a month!
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Nicki's such a good liar. That's good in a girlfriend, right?
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He is such a jerk. I can't believe he's making us hang out in closets.
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Once my mom's gone, we hang out at my house after school.
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Thank God. I can't get away with anything here.
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You were with that girl, weren't you?
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No. I was at the library, studying.
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You were supposed to pick your brother up at school.
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There were rocks. There was a beehive.
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- But where were you? - You are not allowed to see that girl.
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Her name is Nicki, and I'm not seeing her.
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Every time you lie to me, it is like you are digging a tiny little grave.
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I am not lying to you.
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Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
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You know, Mom, you're looking lovely today.
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People don't appreciate how lovely you can be in the right light!
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I'm always telling kids at school that I have the loveliest mother!
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- I'll put on the coffee. - It's Henson. Make decaf.
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"A Day in Prison"?
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We have no choice. I am not leaving you here with Reese like this.
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It just sounds so scary.
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That's the point. You take them to prison,
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a bunch of criminals scream at them, and they come home good.
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Hey, they include a snack.
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There you go, Helga. Almost done.
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- How's it going? - Just finishing the de-worming.
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God, these fumes are horrible.
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Let's get this over with.
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Wait a minute, you didn't brand them first?
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No. Why?
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That'd be the main reason.
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- Wow. - Oh, my God.
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The Founders Dinner.
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Three hours from now, we'll be singing on that stage.
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In the dessert slot. You can't beat that.
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No, you can't. Big time.
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Dewey, I have to focus, so I want you to sit
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and watch quietly right over here.
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Why do I have to be here?
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Why couldn't I go snowboarding with Reese?
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Reese isn't snowboarding. That was just a lie Mommy and Daddy told.
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Reese is in jail.
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- For how long? - A few hours.
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Oh.
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Since there was no contraband found on, or inside your bodies,
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I think you're ready to meet some of the inmates now.
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This is Samuel.
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I would tell you what he's in here for,
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but it's against the law for me to say it to minors.
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Be with you in a minute.
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The ankles were a bit unnecessarily tight.
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All right, so we need to get a few of the ground rules straight.
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I own you!
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You are my property!
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And you should know, I don't take very good care of my things.
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Stand up.
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I said stand up!
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Turn around!
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All the way!
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Faster!
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See that? Like a little top.
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Sit down!
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See how that works?
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Because in prison, you got to make your own fun.
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And when they toss in punk kids like you and you!
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Whoo! It's like Christmas for me!
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If you displease me,
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I will not hesitate to grab you by your pretty little neck,
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and just squeeze until your eyes bulge out of your head,
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and then pop them with a fork.
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- You think that's funny? - I thought you were trying to be funny.
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So, I got me a volunteer, huh?
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Well, let me tell you, cupcakes,
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what your first day up in here gonna be like!
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And don't expect no flowers afterwards.
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- Malcolm, we have to go! - I'm sorry, Nicki.
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I'm gonna help my mom drop off her stuff at my aunt's house.
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There and back is like three hours,
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- but when I get home, I'll sneak over. - Malcolm!
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- What were you doing in there? - Finishing up my homework.
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โ™ช Charlie's wife goes down To the Scollay Square station โ™ช
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โ™ช Every day at quarter past two โ™ช
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โ™ช And through the open window She hands Charlie a sandwich โ™ช
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- โ™ช As the train comes rumblin' through โ™ช - โ™ช Whoo! Whoo! โ™ช
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โ™ช But did he ever return? No, he never returned โ™ช
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- โ™ช And his fate is still unlearned โ™ช - โ™ช He may ride forever โ™ช
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โ™ช He may ride forever 'Neath the streets of Boston โ™ช
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- โ™ช He's the man who never returned โ™ช - โ™ช Play that banjo, Steve-o โ™ช
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- Yee-haw! - Yee-haw!
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Howdy!
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โ™ช Or else he'll never return No, he'll never return โ™ช
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- โ™ช And his fate is still unlearned โ™ช - โ™ช Just like Paul Revere โ™ช
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โ™ช He may ride forever 'Neath the streets of Boston โ™ช
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โ™ช He's the man who never returned โ™ช
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โ™ช He's the man who never returned โ™ช
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- So, what'd you think, Dewey? - It's cool.
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- It's fun the way you guys move. - Yeah.
fun
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- How come you're always in the back? - I'm not always in the--
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Well, even if I am, it's not about where anyone is.
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It's about what's best for the group.
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- Okay. - Yeah.
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Why is it best for the group to put you in the back?
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- So, a three-hour drive. Should be nice. - Uh-huh.
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We don't get to be alone, that often anymore, just the two of us,
โ†“
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and I've been wanting to talk to you.
โ†“
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What are we gonna talk about for three hours?
โ†“
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Sex.
โ†“
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Mom, don't do this.
โ†“
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Malcolm, in a few days, I'm gonna be gone for a very long time,
โ†“
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and I need to know that you're okay.
โ†“
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We are going to have this talk.
โ†“
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- I know about you and Nicki. - I'm not seeing Nicki!
โ†“
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I'm not having sex!
โ†“
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I know about protection. I know all that stuff!
โ†“
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Malcolm, there's a lot more to being a sexually responsible person
โ†“
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than what they teach you in health class. It's very different
โ†“
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- when you're experiencing it yourself. - Mom, stop. I'll do anything you ask.
โ†“
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Just don't have this conversation.
โ†“
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- Oh, honey, it's gonna happen. - No.
โ†“
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You think I like it? You think I like the embarrassment
โ†“
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we're gonna be feeling for the next few hours?
โ†“
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But, Malcolm, I have no choice.
โ†“
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I cannot be there when you are having sex.
โ†“
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- God! - So I'm gonna try to give you
โ†“
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the benefit of my experience.
โ†“
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I'm going to bury you with every piece of information I have.
โ†“
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I don't know what will be helpful and what won't,
โ†“
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so I'm just going to tell you everything.
โ†“
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Oh, my God.
โ†“
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The sooner we start, the sooner it'll be over with.
โ†“
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Now, this is a diaphragm.
โ†“
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Look, Otto keeps asking me where Helga is, and I'm running out of excuses.
โ†“
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- You got to tell him. - I know. I'm working on it.
โ†“
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- It's just a cow. - A cow that's in his will.
โ†“
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Francis, I've got to thank you for what you did to Helga.
โ†“
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My budget is really tight,
โ†“
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and getting a couple of extra sides of beef really helped me out.
โ†“
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And how did you achieve that smoky flavor?
โ†“
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That's great stuff, Arnold. Ray's dad has a week to live.
โ†“
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Maybe you can do 10 minutes on that.
โ†“
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- Otto, I have to tell you something. - Francis, have you seen Helga?
โ†“
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No, I haven't.
โ†“
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It is not like her to wander off alone.
โ†“
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I'm starting to get scared.
โ†“
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Mmm! This is delicious.
โ†“
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Do you think she ran away because she was angry with me?
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I don't think so.
โ†“
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Well, I should have been there when you branded her.
โ†“
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I could have held her little hoof.
โ†“
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Mmm.
โ†“
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So tender, so moist.
โ†“
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You must try some.
โ†“
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Mm-hm.
โ†“
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Mm-hm.
โ†“
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Look at me, enjoying myself while my Helga is out there,
โ†“
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alone and scared. That is it.
โ†“
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I will go, and I will look for her, and I will find her,
โ†“
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if I have to spend all night searching.
โ†“
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Otto, if I don't say this right now, I am never gonna say it.
โ†“
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Yes, go ahead.
โ†“
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Pass the bรฉarnaise sauce, please.
โ†“
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Helga!
โ†“
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Helga!
โ†“
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Helga!
โ†“
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All that crap you tough guys been pulling,
โ†“
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well, this is where it's got you!
โ†“
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This is--
โ†“
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Are you paying attention?
โ†“
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No. I just realized...
โ†“
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You're in prison. You're locked up in here for life.
โ†“
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What do I need to be afraid of you for?
โ†“
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Because the way you've been screwing up,
โ†“
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you're likely to end up in here, and when that happens,
โ†“
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whoo-wee!
โ†“
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You know, Sammy, you might wanna have someone smuggle in mouthwash in a cake.
โ†“
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Let me tell you what happened to the last guy who made fun of me.
โ†“
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They found just enough of him to convict me!
โ†“
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Ooh! I am so scared of prison boy. What are you gonna do?
โ†“
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Stretch out your arms 70 miles through the bars to my house?
โ†“
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And if the sperm doesn't take, the uterine wall sloughs off cells,
โ†“
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and that's what creates a period.
โ†“
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Women can be very emotional at that time.
โ†“
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God help you if you point it out, then you create two problems.
โ†“
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โ™ช Me-may-ma-mo me-may-ma-mo-moo โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช Me-may-ma-mo-me-may-ma-mo-moo โ™ช
โ†“
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I hope I don't get too nervous tonight.
โ†“
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Kitty bought a new antiperspirant I don't have much confidence in.
โ†“
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No one will even notice if I sweat.
โ†“
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Since I'm... in the back the whole time.
โ†“
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I'm in the back for every song, you know.
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And, frankly, I don't think that's fair.
โ†“
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We all agreed on the choreography, Hal.
โ†“
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- Where is this coming from? - From the back, that's where.
โ†“
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You have such a good voice. Why don't you ever sing lead?
โ†“
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I don't know.
โ†“
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I was told I sound a little throaty in my upper register.
โ†“
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Are you the leader?
โ†“
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Well, there's no leader. We make all our decisions as a group.
โ†“
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I don't remember any group vote on these sweaters.
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Hey, we all agreed on these sweaters.
โ†“
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- You like these sweaters, don't you? - Yes, I do.
โ†“
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What's he gonna say? "My brother-in-law, who's the only reason
โ†“
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I'm in the group in the first place, picked out ugly sweaters"?
โ†“
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- Excuse me? - What do you think of these sweaters?
โ†“
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- I like them. They're funny. - Oh, see?
โ†“
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We're gonna look ridiculous tonight.
โ†“
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Well, it doesn't matter how I look.
โ†“
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- No one's gonna be able to see me! - Oh, for heaven's sake.
โ†“
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Maybe if you guys worried more about your voices
โ†“
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- and less about your sweaters-- - Oh, now you're criticizing my singing?
โ†“
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Puh-lease, you can't say your name without changing keys.
โ†“
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I think Malik sings beautifully.
โ†“
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- Of course, you do. You're tone deaf. - Well, at least when I dance,
โ†“
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it doesn't look like I hooked my butt up to a paint mixer.
โ†“
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Oh, oh, that's it. Go up here without me!
โ†“
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- I won't be here either! - Neither will I!
โ†“
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Me neither!
โ†“
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I don't know why it took so long for the scales to fall from my eyes!
โ†“
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And to reveal you as you really are!
โ†“
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Believe me, it's a lot more sensitive than most men understand.
โ†“
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A little bit goes a long way.
โ†“
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- Helga! - Oh, we will never find her.
โ†“
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And it's all my fault!
โ†“
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No, Otto, it's not. It's my fault.
โ†“
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I have to tell you this.
โ†“
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There was an accident, a tragic branding accident.
โ†“
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I killed Helga, and I fed her to you, and I couldn't be more sorry.
โ†“
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- What? - She's gone. She's dead.
โ†“
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I don't think she suffered.
โ†“
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I'm sorry. I should have told you right from the beginning, but I couldn't.
โ†“
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Let me tell you something.
โ†“
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You are the only boss I've ever had in my life that I actually liked,
โ†“
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and what's weird is, you're the only one I've ever lied to.
โ†“
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I just couldn't stand the thought of hurting you.
โ†“
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- Thank you for telling me the truth. - If you want to fire me, feel free.
โ†“
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Oh, no, no, no.
โ†“
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It was an accident. I think we should try to put it all behind us.
โ†“
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I don't deserve a boss like you.
โ†“
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Let us go home.
โ†“
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Oh, Francis, there is an expression that you used
โ†“
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that I am unfamiliar with.
โ†“
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What does it mean when you say "fed her to you"?
โ†“
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- Okay. - So, on the night I lost my virginity,
โ†“
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I learned something very important about relationships and trust.
โ†“
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Your body can be telling you to do something...
โ†“
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I hope you all appreciate what those men were doing for you.
โ†“
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And you might be happy to hear that, in part,
โ†“
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because of the fine work Samuel's done with this program,
โ†“
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he's getting paroled next week.
โ†“
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Hey, I don't care if you get out!
โ†“
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And people, they hop from one person to another
โ†“
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trying to get some sense of validation.
โ†“
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They do this all through college,
โ†“
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all through their 20s, having all sorts of casual encounters.
โ†“
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And, sometimes, they even convince themselves
โ†“
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the relationship is serious, because the sex is so great,
โ†“
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- but that-- - Wait. Stop.
โ†“
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What did you mean by validation? Validating what?
โ†“
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Well, sometimes people will attract other people
โ†“
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just to prove to themselves that they're likable.
โ†“
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And if that's the reason you're having sex with someone,
โ†“
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- you can cause a lot of damage. - But if you want to have sex with someone,
โ†“
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- doesn't that mean you really like them? - Oh, no, honey.
โ†“
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That's exactly the trap people fall into. You see, a lot of people do...
โ†“
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That was cool.
โ†“
47340394-c043-4595-a0f6-a678dd95a66c.gif
How come he doesn't dance as fast as you?
โ†“
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I'm sorry.
โ†“
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I'm sorry I said anything before.
โ†“
f2f38def-0e87-40a7-9c88-326cb119240a.gif
- Mm-hm! - This is our shot.
โ†“
d68c9383-ec99-429c-a302-0d65f6ce2d73.gif
We can't blow it like this.
โ†“
a7f62ee8-2cc1-49ba-b008-8ffdf3ff76f0.gif
The whole point of the Gentlemen Callers was to have fun
โ†“
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and help Malik tone down his drinking. We're friends.
โ†“
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I don't even know why we're fighting.
โ†“
7e4090b6-2572-4e23-8913-59b6ac8095dd.gif
- Excuse me! - It's all your fault!
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Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce an act
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we haven't seen before at the Founders Dinner.
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- They can't do that. - How dare they!
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Simmer down.
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Now let's give a warm welcome to the Gentlemen Callers!
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Well, I, for one, am a Gentleman Caller.
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Well, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
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The six of us couldn't be more honored to be here,
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and we're going to sing a little song about brotherhood.
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And forgiveness.
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And friendship.
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What is he up to?
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I just don't get it.
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Is this supposed to be entertainment?
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Whoo! Whoo!
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โ™ช Play that banjo, Steve-o โ™ช
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Yee-haw!
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โ™ช Now all night long Charlie rides through the station โ™ช
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โ™ช Crying, "What will become of me? โ™ช
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โ™ช How can I afford to see My sister in Chelsea? โ™ช
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โ™ช Or my cousin in Roxbury โ™ช
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โ™ช But did he ever return? No, he never returned โ™ช
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- โ™ช And his fate is still unlearned โ™ช - โ™ช Fame and scandal โ™ช
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โ™ช He will ride forever 'Neath the streets of Boston โ™ช
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โ™ช He's the man who never returned โ™ช
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โ™ช He's the man who never returned โ™ช
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They loved us!
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We got more applause that the Whistling Whittlers!
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- Yeah. - Now everyone over to my house for pizza!
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- Yeah! - Yeah!
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How come you always go to his house?
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Sometimes after a fight,
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you feel closer than you feel when you're getting along.
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- Can I ask you something else? - Sure.
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Well, sometimes when I'm with Nicki,
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I feel like she wants to do something else,
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I don't know what.
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- Then I try to guess. - That's never good.
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Yeah, suddenly, it's like I did something wrong,
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but I was just trying to help. What am I supposed to do?