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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S03E16 — Hal Coaches

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 3, Episode 16 — Hal Coaches

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Episode title: Hal Coaches
Air date: March 10, 2002
Director: Jeff Melman
Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson
Clever Hal invigorates Dewey's soccer team; sly Reese blackmails a philandering neighbor; obsessed Malcolm battles a computer program.
Source: TMDB
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I can't believe you, Dewey! How could you do this?
believedewey
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When is she going to stop?
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I'm starving.
starving
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Go get us some food.
food
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I'm not going out there.
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You'd better cry.
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♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
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♪ I don't know ♪
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♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
questionrepeat
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♪ Life is unfair ♪
lifeunfair
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Boys.
boys
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Is it inside that?
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No, that's it.
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What? No!
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Oh, just be glad you're getting a computer.
computerglad
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Maybe I should get a dog or a rat, some dumb animal
animaldumb
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that at least knows how to work for a living!
knowsleastliving
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Yes, ma'am.
maam
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in your entire lives!
entireentire-liveslives
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Yes, ma'am.
maam
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The blood from my knees was tracking behind
behindbloodkneestracking
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until, finally, she let me put dish towels on my knees.
dishfinallykneestowels
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So, how was your day?
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I love you, too.
love
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It was terrible! I hate soccer.
hatesoccer
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I stink.
stink
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My team stinks.
stinksteam
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Hey, you guys won the coin toss.
cointoss
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- I wanna quit. - You can't quit.
quit
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People don't just quit because they lose a couple games.
couplegameslosequit
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- The coach quit. - No, he had an emotional breakdown,
breakdowncoachemotionalquit
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that's not the same thing.
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The point is, you're not quitting.
pointquitting
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In fact, you know what?
fact
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- I'm gonna coach you. - What?
coach
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Well, sure, this will be great.
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It'll give us a chance to hang out,
chancehangitll
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spend a little time together, kick the ball around.
ballkickspend
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Who knows, some day you might just look back and say:
knowsmight
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"Boy, I sure had some fun with my old man."
fun
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- What do you say? - No!
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Dewey, you're not quitting the team.
deweyquittingteam
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I am going to coach you,
coach
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and we are going to create treasured father-son memories
createfathermemories
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whether you want to or not.
whether
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So, what's...
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on the...
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hard drive?
drivehardhard-drive
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Nothing, he erased everything.
erased
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No, he just thinks he did.
thinks
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He deleted all the programs, but he didn't format the drive.
deleteddriveformatprograms
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They never...
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do.
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There it is.
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Let's check what's in here.
check
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- Let's go through his e-mails. - Why?
mails
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It's Ed, what's he gonna--?
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Oh, my God.
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"Eddie, last night was amazing.
amazingeddienight
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You touched me places my husband never knew existed."
existedhusbandplacestouched
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T. Goodwin.
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That's Mrs. Goodwin from down the block.
block
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That's horrible.
horrible
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They're both married.
married
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And fat.
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Look at this one.
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"Edward, just saying your name turns me to jelly."
edwardjellynameturns
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That's Mrs. Fisher.
fisher
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Mrs. Carmen, Mrs. Wilson, Mrs. Belt. He's sleeping with half the neighborhood.
beltcarmenhalfneighborhoodsleepingwilson
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Here's one from old Mrs. Swanback.
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Open the picture attachment.
attachmentopenpicture
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All right, kids, let's huddle up, huddle up, come on.
huddlekids
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Hello there.
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My name is Hal.
name
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I'm the new coach.
coach
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Now, I don't claim to know a lot about soccer,
claimsoccer
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but I do know about being a young boy.
young
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And growing up can be tough.
growingtough
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I know what it's like to be the class spaz,
class
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the fat kid,
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the nose-picker.
nose
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Just wipe it on the grass, son.
grasswipe
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But together we are more than that.
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And today we're gonna find out what it's like to be a team!
teamtoday
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Can we just forfeit and get a burger before the line gets too long?
burgerforfeitline
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No. What we're going to do is go out on that field
field
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and we're gonna have some fun.
fun
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You kids make me sick.
kidssick
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If you're not puking from exhaustion, you're not playing hard enough!
hardplayingpuking
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It's a beautiful day.
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Let's go out and enjoy the sunshine
enjoysunshine
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- and play some soccer! - You will rip their heads off!
headssoccer
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Do you hear me?
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Stop crying.
crying
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Stop crying, you little baby!
babycrying
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Hey, fella, why don't you just ease up?
easefella
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Come on, they're just kids.
kids
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Hear that, men?
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That's what a loser sounds like.
losersounds
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All right, what do you say?
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We go out and give it our best and have some fun!
bestfun
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It was 48 to nothing before the half.
half
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I had to call it.
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Of course.
course
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Two, four, six, eight, who did we annihilate?
eightfour
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The Tigers, the Tigers We killed the Tigers!
killedtigers
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Yeah!
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- Hey, Stevie. - You were supposed
steviesupposed
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to meet me at the library.
librarymeet
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Oh, yeah, sorry.
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I actually found something decent on Ed's computer.
computerdecentfound
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- The Virts? - Yeah.
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You create a virtual family, put them in different situations.
createfamilysituationsvirtual
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The computer plays out their lives. I'm putting in the characters now.
characterscomputerlivesplaysputting
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Is that...
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- your mom? - Not yet.
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Reese.
reese
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Make sure
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you capture
capture
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the blackness of his soul.
soul
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Aggressiveness, ten.
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Hygiene, zero.
hygienezero
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Okay, now me.
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Appearance, nine.
appearancenine
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No, ten.
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A ten for intelligence.
intelligence
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And social skills...
skillssocial
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- Ten. - Too bad
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it doesn't go
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- higher. - I have social skills, jackass!
higherjackassskillssocial
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Okay, it's dinnertime.
dinnertime
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Where's Malcolm?
malcolm
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Looking at himself in the mirror.
lookingmirror
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How you doing?
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I'm hot and I'm bored.
bored
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What is this stuff? It smells awful.
awfulsmellsstuff
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What are you doing?
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There's bare patches all over the place.
bareplace
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Are you paying attention to what you're doing?
attentionpayingpaying-attention
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Hey, I get grounded plenty, Ed. I know how to do grunt work.
groundedgruntplenty
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So, why don't you just go fix Mrs. Collins' garage door
collinsdoorgarage
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and get off my back?
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- What did you say? - You heard me.
heard
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Oh, my God. What do you know?
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Everything.
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Formulate your megabytes next time you get rid of your computer.
computer
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Oh, and by the way,
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Mrs. Swanback? You are sick!
sick
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Keep your voice down.
voice
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Look.
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It's not my fault.
fault
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I try to be faithful,
faithful
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but the women on this block are just so desperate and lonely.
blockdesperatelonelywomen
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It's like I cast some kind of spell.
castspell
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I try to tell them no, but it always leads to a back rub.
leads
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I know, Ed, I read all about it.
read
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Is that you, Ed?
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Uh...
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I'm a little busy right now, Martha.
busymartha
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Look, you can't tell my wife.
wife
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You can't tell anyone.
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Please.
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I'll do anything, I'll do anything you ask.
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I can work with that.
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Damn, these robbers! Don't they know somebody's got
robberssomebodys
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to clean up their caribou carcass?
carcassclean
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These antlers won't fit down the disposal.
antlersdisposal
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Hey, Francis, come away from there.
francis
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c53fa881-0dc8-401b-a3d8-5e644cd56e5c.gif
You don't have to do that.
↓
d31f406b-26f4-42cd-8e73-5ec461c3a7cd.gif
You're much too valuable an employee to mess with that.
employeemessvaluable
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But yesterday you said you'd seen tumors with hair that were smarter than me.
hairseensmarteryesterday
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Can't you tell good-natured ribbing?
↓
700c9e45-d8da-41c4-a9b6-06b5a1f2c683.gif
I got an important job for you.
↓
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Why don't you sit in that chair
chair
↓
323fc9fb-7713-4f4f-bec8-6c845c5a912a.gif
and check the reception on the TV. It's been kind a spotty lately.
checklatelyreception
↓
5760d3c6-2972-428d-8346-33397099d48b.gif
Oh, and make sure these sodas haven't gone flat.
flatgone
↓
1fe7c64c-39e5-4614-93a7-a355fd259796.gif
That sounds doable.
doablesounds
↓
5794c0af-5025-4772-a648-bfcbc00ca120.gif
We've got other people to do the grunt work.
grunt
↓
82c6fd0a-5469-4bb2-83c9-f3128f12959e.gif
A newlywed like you shouldn't be tiring himself out
↓
17f89db4-84cb-4360-8214-8bed5460efa6.gif
before he even gets home.
home
↓
6cb1ee63-77b2-4d48-ae31-dd1d6ec91628.gif
Your lovely, young wife wouldn't like that, would she?
lovelywifeyoung
↓
14789dd8-596e-4972-905b-e27357321e2e.gif
What did you do?
↓
cf0123bd-9976-4cf7-899a-4f2434f839ed.gif
I don't know what you're talking about, honey.
honey
↓
01d592ab-f957-427f-880b-06006a5e2f34.gif
Lavernia is being nice to me.
lavernia
↓
92cebe94-8992-41c6-85d6-cb23d5ea6283.gif
She's treating me like a human being.
humantreating
↓
ab8e0c0c-3654-4b2d-ac8e-538f5651b050.gif
What did you do to her?
↓
674e9c86-05ce-427a-9b70-90f073f2008b.gif
Maybe she turned over a new leaf.
leafturned
↓
a6ee8f0e-2ff9-4a72-93a7-2fb48a51358f.gif
Sometimes really big, crappy jerks realize they gotta change their ways.
changecrappyjerksrealizesometimesways
↓
d1ef9b3c-5c01-45fc-a55c-2b17b4e08135.gif
This woman was terrified and I've never seen her scared of anything.
scaredseenterrifiedwoman
↓
8756d1fa-2362-4501-a4d9-5c3bcdcf1f07.gif
I don't know how you did it,
↓
ad875e91-13de-4574-9bff-61f32183eddd.gif
- but you must have said something. - I wouldn't do that, Francis.
francismust
↓
4c355411-f6a6-4254-bca9-64c2278222a2.gif
You're the man. I'm not gonna fight your battles for you.
battlesfight
↓
2b75107e-f241-45e6-bda4-bcff5d6c8505.gif
Obviously, that's not true.
obviously
↓
5eb25e9f-fb5c-4b83-bdbd-ad6ada424525.gif
Now, damn it, you're gonna tell me what you did.
↓
64a4f352-3351-4f15-b881-ab6d35430ab2.gif
You know what?
↓
80696da8-4a3a-4fb1-bb04-fb1e701b034b.gif
I don't have to do anything you tell me to do.
↓
5860a848-0a19-41d9-bd4c-1369a430f2cb.gif
And you might want to reconsider your tone of voice.
mightreconsidertonevoice
↓
466fa9f6-ae1c-4582-b20b-34a0a679445d.gif
Sometimes you make me so mad!
sometimes
↓
9ef64bfe-c42f-444c-bdcf-ef92aeae77b2.gif
All right, look, uh...
↓
8ad5cadb-39d9-4531-b51d-fac529bc92d0.gif
Today's practice was...
practicetodays
↓
5dab465a-8340-4c04-ab04-6cd9b5c8300f.gif
Well, let's focus on the positive.
focuspositive
↓
6172f900-c2b9-425a-bd59-5da8bf7f73db.gif
I think it's encouraging that so many of you found the right field.
encouragingfieldfound
↓
6e0898ea-b60f-4ade-a852-ebb3b9543915.gif
And special congratulations go to Billy for using the sidestep that we practice
billycongratulationspracticespecialusing
↓
f7a254bb-def2-4794-b70d-62b176743cb2.gif
to run away from the butterfly that almost landed near him.
butterflylandednear
↓
adbf0687-394c-415e-bec3-2a30e4bcc6b5.gif
But we do need to work on your general unwillingness
general
↓
fad8eee7-85bd-497e-81aa-c8853eefcfa7.gif
to kick the ball.
ballkick
↓
0f63a1ae-3549-458a-8a36-361ec39fa2a6.gif
It hurts!
hurts
↓
2cb46589-7c32-4ac5-b4e4-79abd26ac610.gif
Boys, if we are gonna get better, we're gonna have to work together.
boys
↓
6f32838e-9be5-4a35-b595-1d55432ebb93.gif
We have to start acting like a team.
actingstartstart-actingteam
↓
33b2d659-75fa-4b2a-b8b7-af99bdbbc50a.gif
You know what it means
↓
164245f3-e029-4fd0-a6bf-189dd692cb92.gif
to be on a team, don't you?
team
↓
ba493ff3-216f-4e82-86bb-18ffb79a9cc6.gif
Well, don't...
↓
b8f8708c-718b-48b2-a1c0-f4505c2851e1.gif
Come on! Think of a team.
team
↓
ae481a67-4b0c-439f-8167-cb2e0b47e97d.gif
- Like the X-Men? - Yes!
↓
cf846c9f-6c5b-481b-9dc7-141a97e62f73.gif
Yes!
↓
4978918b-c772-4053-b0bb-5e89cab1ed43.gif
Yes, like the X-Men.
↓
5ea7a2a1-8b9c-4d8e-890b-818449f7db56.gif
You boys are like the X-Men.
boys
↓
ee15df80-f8c4-44fd-bfa7-b51cfd839062.gif
And what do the X-Men do?
↓
ead98973-905e-4eb5-9c8b-e4ae05008647.gif
- Fight evil? - Yes, they work together.
evilfight
↓
0a649cfa-0535-46b6-b31f-24c68d9bbe9f.gif
To fight evil and also to uphold the ideals
evilfightuphold
↓
0ae2cade-d9de-4617-aa94-e35f72aec61c.gif
of good sportsmanship and teamwork.
sportsmanshipteamwork
↓
a224a097-98a5-482b-9adc-7b81c86f4fb1.gif
And fight evil!
evilfight
↓
58202537-9725-45bf-a95f-2f4a380d90ae.gif
- Yes! - Yeah!
↓
c08d081b-a230-4fbf-bd34-8a6208f48e18.gif
Yes! Okay, okay, boys, come on, come on, huddle up, huddle up.
boyshuddle
↓
dc77b933-32f2-4c87-a815-1045304889c0.gif
I should not be telling you this...
telling
↓
1e1e1c6e-91dc-49f2-9a44-45ff43c65f8a.gif
but the American Youth Soccer Federation has been infiltrated by evil forces
americanevilfederationforcesinfiltratedsocceryouth
↓
caf75a24-e266-4515-b4f0-2bd9d3ca5153.gif
hell-bent on total domination of the Earth.
bentearthtotal
↓
aa12a461-4cc8-4dbd-923b-6bf935e451c0.gif
The infiltration goes all the way down to the lowest levels.
levelslowest
↓
72e82d98-3d80-42aa-8b61-1dc099ff5f24.gif
I'm talking the Black Hawks, the Bulldogs, the Eagles.
blackblack-hawkseagleshawks
↓
b6aaa4f7-1d11-40ae-a65c-18e1f19e1423.gif
Every other team in our league has been lost to the forces of evil,
evilforcesleaguelostteam
↓
aaefe9fe-fbc8-4d2e-aa0e-ca5206ca56d5.gif
and it's up to you boys to stop them.
boys
↓
617a9a79-7d44-41c6-8f3b-bb30d3f3004b.gif
Now, boys, what do you say? Hm?
boys
↓
22375b8d-e48a-4d6b-961b-72b6d85cfebb.gif
Who wants to be on the side of goodness and virtue?
goodnesssidevirtuewants
↓
3a6edcb2-f9bf-4fde-af95-a76a97418909.gif
And who wants to rid the world of evil?
evilwantsworld
↓
1d70b835-c5f9-4bab-bb3e-c269454f2325.gif
All right, boys, let's get out there and do some kicking drills.
boyskicking
↓
046af6dd-af57-4974-abad-7c90ab4d1561.gif
Can you please...
↓
4e7d4f77-3f40-4d4b-9f87-030b088e7d6a.gif
start working?
startstart-workingworking
↓
1d3a6f5e-7682-4dd6-b702-c024f8563d9b.gif
Just one more second.
second
↓
070faf92-eeb1-49a6-8237-9dc2cef45ad4.gif
This is really interesting.
interesting
↓
235a3b99-49ed-43c6-8093-370beee7b2b1.gif
I just made my mom quit her crappy job and go to law school.
crappyquitschool
↓
a4bb050f-31fb-4868-9210-adcb542a3ddf.gif
It's less money, but her happiness level went way up.
happinesslesslevelmoney
↓
82d00006-d4ae-495d-bc0f-b2e7cbc4496f.gif
I made Dad quit too. All he's doing is working on neighbor's cars.
carsneighborsquitworking
↓
2b98854b-27e2-4b51-a0c4-527ecdce3df3.gif
But check out his happiness level.
checkhappinesslevel
↓
3fec3a4d-d5fb-4abb-a394-e925e27334f3.gif
I still think they could be happier.
happier
↓
2fb274b1-5ac8-41b7-9691-d01cc13a88e9.gif
Let's send Reese to China.
chinareesesend
↓
c716200e-c34c-4f05-88a9-360c15ff79b2.gif
What are you changing
changing
↓
06f2bea7-88e5-4c82-9d5c-381a59042615.gif
about Malcolm?
malcolm
↓
8e26a78a-70ab-483d-b622-b287ad8a6ebd.gif
Nothing, he's fine.
↓
f454e8e0-e859-48fb-b891-753529873234.gif
He's burning himself
burning
↓
2ec99485-011c-4c43-8d4d-7da4eafd57b9.gif
with a cigarette.
cigarette
↓
878026df-7b02-45af-a048-620273917891.gif
Just a phase.
phase
↓
cd32b752-b6ee-4ba1-a4a3-08be1ac62e83.gif
♪ I'm ready to die ♪
ready
↓
31196da3-01f9-477f-8b07-b6cceace1a9a.gif
♪ I'm ready to die ♪
ready
↓
bda7d9ac-596d-4bfb-98af-97646384fdbc.gif
Where were you? I've been waiting ten minutes for that lotion.
lotionminuteswaiting
↓
983ec96e-63a5-480c-b8e8-6fa3d0894c48.gif
Look at this, I'm starting to freckle.
starting
↓
fc92b1ce-83c8-4d39-9d73-e0aa8148b907.gif
Look, Reese, my wife gets back soon.
reesewife
↓
001760a7-a8c2-4448-9feb-4cef9f6f4f90.gif
I'm gonna have a hard time explaining why I'm catering to a 15-year-old boy.
explaininghard
↓
a825cec2-0b23-4d2b-814a-3f6887110df4.gif
- I'll explain it to her if you want me to. - It's okay, forget I mentioned it.
explainforgetmentioned
↓
7c5fef9a-11c8-4e4e-891d-a52df4ce817f.gif
Fly.
↓
f03404ff-7c5c-4de7-9b62-9f4bb360ed42.gif
- Where? - Just a drill.
drill
↓
f0f6b0e2-ad8d-43de-bd5a-1df2e6b57b97.gif
Well, the oak seems to burn a few degrees hotter than the maple.
burndegreeshottermapleseems
↓
5f3353db-952e-478e-9a3a-11a77198baa0.gif
Oh, this game is asinine!
game
↓
84ee459c-bf24-4084-98ed-748c70edae40.gif
I thought you liked it.
liked
↓
46015cbe-6aae-45fa-8950-5b06a5f17d67.gif
No, this is idiotic programming.
idioticprogramming
↓
46d8ba5c-0599-4c30-8892-04934a33d9c6.gif
My family has turned out horrible.
familyhorribleturned
↓
7a08cb68-43af-4ad6-8d52-f53f84e29e3a.gif
My mom finished law school and became a Supreme Court Justice.
becamecourtfinishedjusticeschoolsupremesupreme-court
↓
67aa5a5c-9f45-4080-8bab-b9b9b301056c.gif
Reese is the king of China.
chinakingreese
↓
44eb83df-439e-4340-b7d7-4dc8b58784e7.gif
And my dad is a millionaire from his chain of auto-body shops.
autobodychainmillionaireshops
↓
08e35145-7ce9-49e2-b55c-3574f34c0a30.gif
Why is Malcolm sneaking Scotch from the toilet tank?
malcolmscotchsneakingtanktoilet
↓
6d9dde89-fe47-44a2-9268-7020e7616899.gif
He won't stop drinking.
drinking
↓
928a0b54-1fd9-485b-97db-7b71bef17151.gif
It's his second bottle since breakfast.
bottlebreakfastsecond
↓
a93da15c-70f2-4c43-b5ca-daa20d249f5f.gif
I am so done with this game.
game
↓
ad9eb116-bd6d-44a2-ab0e-31cac2aa66fb.gif
No, you know what?
↓
eaf70deb-eb66-4848-80d2-c43321c74543.gif
I'm moving them all to Arkansas to become chicken farmers.
arkansasbecomechickenfarmersmoving
↓
57d6927f-b823-45b2-b72a-86f1db12bea2.gif
That ought to level out the playing field.
fieldleveloughtplayingplaying-field
↓
38f4dc7b-e2f6-449b-bd4a-71a1abcae537.gif
Hi, honey.
honey
↓
750abce4-507e-4bf3-9477-df16818a1a88.gif
This is great, you're home early.
earlyhomehome-early
↓
fad6d87e-b1d3-4065-afb5-70e96b202795.gif
- And you don't come home so mad anymore. - I think we may have to split up.
anymorehomesplit
↓
7b58f0cd-fb76-4981-96fb-f20a8cad1e45.gif
- What? - I'm not sure this marriage is working.
marriageworking
↓
f2f39300-fd3a-4427-9706-0244dd8dc4a8.gif
I mean, I love you, but I don't know you that well.
love
↓
e6b4755c-dbf3-43b6-a11d-15ad70cb3dc4.gif
Hell, I can't even pronounce your last name.
namepronounce
↓
dd549b94-997a-4f49-9deb-bb062e8a77da.gif
Tananahaakna.
↓
a4c5689f-85d3-419a-a0a9-dd05f0029b0f.gif
And then with this whole Lavernia thing,
laverniawhole
↓
ee9ab47c-0744-4acd-9169-8dcab96be9c1.gif
- I'm thinking there's a side-- - I don't understand.
sidethinking
↓
e4449402-d648-4b52-90bb-0d39162c9fd6.gif
If someone does something because they love someone
love
↓
130efc60-7c5e-4ba2-a91f-b38acda2f488.gif
- and it solves the problem-- - No!
problemsolves
↓
ca81a4c1-bb85-4b5b-94cd-3c6eac877eab.gif
Marriage is supposed to be about trust and communication
communicationmarriagesupposedtrust
↓
12fd4bed-8afd-4287-81fb-d8c0b9375dc1.gif
and not being terrified!
terrified
↓
337d259f-bb2a-4680-8423-09358cf7f276.gif
We're supposed to be a team, I thought.
supposedteam
↓
2666677b-bdc6-49d5-ae6b-f9ae8d58b063.gif
Look, I'm gonna ask you one last time, for the sake of our marriage.
marriagesake
↓
08068568-f941-4f7f-ad6f-11e3ebb2d560.gif
What did you do?
↓
1612a59a-8bb9-4506-8203-899c6a061d82.gif
- Took her parakeet. - What?
parakeet
↓
cd91d6f5-954e-46b7-bede-af3f157a9f21.gif
I took her parakeet!
parakeet
↓
210b606f-e749-4f56-8098-1f97b92286e3.gif
You stole the woman's pet?
stolewomans
↓
0725e5e0-56ab-4c57-9dc8-c89a9534c72e.gif
The woman's pet?
womans
↓
c04f8649-6558-4d62-879d-a501d9ec3a01.gif
You protect the people that you love.
loveprotect
↓
3987c06a-8c79-408d-ade3-e71f90aab028.gif
I figured you'd do the same for me.
figured
↓
ad61a256-a17c-4a13-a6e3-7ddf1e8873ac.gif
But I would tell you.
↓
b9bad9f9-f39b-4a06-aeb9-5ce9b0028786.gif
If I was gonna grab someone's parakeet and hold it hostage...
grabhostageparakeetsomeones
↓
941c8ebf-22b7-4067-aef8-82508025e80a.gif
Well, gee, I wouldn't do that.
↓
a8499869-f9bb-40ed-8adc-f5b9e3ab5178.gif
How long were you gonna keep it for?
↓
3da25c55-23f0-4616-ba6f-73cdc6db81b4.gif
Till she behaved.
behavedtill
↓
e1ea29fe-c12c-4264-85f9-008b1f238c8e.gif
And if she didn't, I guess I'd have killed it.
killed
↓
00903439-9f2d-4852-b5ea-21271645581f.gif
See? That's where it gets alarming again.
alarming
↓
70183c23-011f-42a2-97fd-7d9229c79e0b.gif
But putting aside the horrible nature of the act itself,
asidehorriblenatureputting
↓
661859f1-d8a7-4f9e-b6f1-ffb66ac03b91.gif
what's really upsetting is that you made this unilateral decision.
decisionupsetting
↓
30cbf256-6d3a-4aaa-be9f-dbd2d7abbc64.gif
I said I was sorry!
↓
9224d2b8-cee2-48dd-95cf-1e5df06acde3.gif
How many times do you want me to say it?
times
↓
cbc7d31d-8636-46f3-8509-ae11340f2143.gif
- You didn't say you we're sorry. - And what about you?
↓
2b665545-ffe9-44fb-881b-540f53650e47.gif
You were gonna break up with me! You think that makes me feel safe?
breakmakessafe
↓
74c0466b-4721-45b9-ba8b-9e358aa5a705.gif
You're right, I'm sorry.
↓
d80d71e8-2051-4ec3-a52c-cfc5d6d0cdcf.gif
Wait!
↓
d18f69dc-b184-4002-9735-23c325276d3e.gif
No, I'm not apologizing here! We need to bring this bird back.
apologizingbirdbring
↓
2f322d3b-e456-4e34-ab81-4d9a0ab0df7a.gif
And if I do it, she'll think I was involved.
involvedshell
↓
face7967-af8e-46eb-ac3f-bcba43f99ad6.gif
You made this mess without me, you clean it up without me.
cleanmess
↓
d37afcae-ee49-4bba-98b8-f5d6453bc5b6.gif
Or what?
↓
879472f2-827f-44a0-9fa2-a622c5f30be8.gif
Or maybe I'll do it for you!
↓
bc9d3d72-e253-4d1f-a3db-67d212217e69.gif
And you...
↓
a03fcc1e-27f1-4d56-890a-2b25ee9b0f1d.gif
have dinner ready when I get back.
dinnerready
↓
37cec06a-48e6-446e-95d7-85a7c9e4d6b2.gif
Look, Ed, school gets out at 3.
school
↓
27248d51-e2c7-4ee2-8b7e-466a7049f9b0.gif
It's 2:15. I've been waiting around
waiting
↓
e0a37cca-64da-43ab-9ba0-3ac6981c59c5.gif
- for over an hour. - Sorry, Reese.
hourreese
↓
3973a0c5-c375-47d8-b3cc-f7a5d62a39e6.gif
Excuse me.
excuse
↓
186e8bc5-8c4d-4126-857c-0b25cf8d68b3.gif
Damn, hurry up, get in the car.
hurry
↓
4924fcf4-9e75-4c6e-b8a7-86ccbe45e8d3.gif
Hello, I'm Mrs. Abbott, Reese's guidance counselor.
counselorguidanceguidance-counselorreeses
↓
6b1d0de1-7f0f-40b6-b788-bc23ea10cd32.gif
I've been trying to talk to you about your son for the past three weeks.
pastthreethree-weeksweeks
↓
5d4bd4e0-ff37-466b-9ad8-39bf20883b07.gif
Well, I'm here now. What can I do for you?
↓
8d984403-6a55-4bb7-90d9-67f9f3e7b726.gif
You have
↓
a27f107c-7540-44b9-8f4d-61f42627c1c0.gif
to stop this.
↓
2f0ab717-4644-4862-8469-05c1361ca17c.gif
Stupid game!
gamestupidstupid-game
↓
415ae1f3-7f86-4c8e-a48f-63f50d7e5b85.gif
This is ridiculous!
ridiculous
↓
6990d4f8-e181-4348-86c6-49a7a77f3ce3.gif
Everybody in my family is, like, perfect.
everybodyfamilyperfect
↓
ea7e02cf-cc31-4803-8149-8bdea0dafe45.gif
My mom is president.
president
↓
7d37dc87-9075-4ca7-81fe-85316b20c6ca.gif
Reese is married to six supermodels.
marriedreese
↓
b829c5d1-7649-4dfc-bf99-c8e184c709f7.gif
And my dad used all his money to fund a search for extraterrestrials.
fundmoneysearchused
↓
bbd58f9a-9f8b-40e8-a960-ce65ff40aecd.gif
Nothing I do has any effect whatsoever.
effectwhatsoever
↓
8efbd9eb-ccdb-4548-916d-368fa48e025c.gif
If I give them money, if I take it away.
money
↓
6ab0f00b-0748-43bb-ab7f-1cb9cc3c756a.gif
If I make them ugly, if I make them Canadian.
canadianugly
↓
d849dba8-a166-4cdc-98b5-3af49a6081cb.gif
Everything works out beautifully for them and horrible for me.
horribleworks
↓
f85a77f1-a0b4-4d02-b288-20ed4d03fab4.gif
Dewey just became...
becamedewey
↓
5d7bfc3c-ae7b-4195-bf60-5cfbc921459a.gif
- pope. - And I weigh 500 pounds.
popepoundsweighweigh-pounds
↓
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That's it, I'm just gonna kill them.
kill
↓
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Go to counter.
counter
↓
57c0be8f-52e4-42db-ab65-6bae8bb228ec.gif
Get knife.
knife
↓
8aab393f-8b00-4bc0-8a32-c4d1daecd1f1.gif
Kill them.
kill
↓
9d102a5f-2515-4dd8-9456-d7007f66ffa4.gif
No, don't make yourself a sandwich.
sandwich
↓
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Kill!
kill
↓
514c0f78-935c-4866-8ede-eb0f6762d25e.gif
Kill!
kill
↓
2d7db619-0294-4a17-89f7-188a71b2fa16.gif
No, not yourself.
↓
7858c829-076b-4a13-beb0-9be68e208c81.gif
Don't kill, don't kill.
kill
↓
e814b9e8-41a6-49fb-99f7-a5ec020ca978.gif
You stupid, fat bastard!
bastardstupid
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This means nothing!
↓
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So, Dad, are you gonna ground me?
ground
↓
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Boy, your counselor was furious.
counselorfurious
↓
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So, how about we head back to your place, you can set up your Jacuzzi,
headjacuzziplace
↓
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then throw something on the barbecue for me.
barbecuethrow
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I've got a better idea.
idea
↓
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I'll get in my Jacuzzi and you'll fix dinner for me.
dinnerjacuzzi
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What are you talking about?
↓
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With the information I just got on you,
information
↓
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I can call your mother and you won't see daylight for years.
daylightmotheryears
↓
1908936e-b473-4297-a5bc-c79e97a5ea7b.gif
Oh, yeah?
↓
93189b91-2111-4d28-b347-f3db0d6dcb41.gif
One word and I'm telling your wife your little secret.
secrettellingwifeword
↓
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I guess the question is, am I more scared of my wife...
questionscaredwife
↓
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or are you more scared of your mother?
motherscared
↓
abc4ac73-44e1-40af-bc76-76bfeb69edcf.gif
Then get a dozen peach roses.
dozenpeachroses
↓
b7808468-b298-4efc-a6df-69d5d71e7256.gif
Gotta be peach.
peach
↓
f591c931-18db-4508-a28e-2f584088b900.gif
And run them over to Mrs. Malone's.
↓
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Lavernia, I'm sorry.
lavernia
↓
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I just talked to my wife.
talkedwife
↓
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This was all a big misunderstanding.
misunderstanding
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3ae1ff5d-a286-43be-9736-f17bdf80cc15.gif
She's sorry, too, and we just want you to have...
↓
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I guess I should have put a blanket on this on the way over.
blanket
↓
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I just want you to know that I...
↓
13b2dc66-f431-4d71-aaca-438f2a2c2fe0.gif
Okay, boys, look, we have come a long way
boys
↓
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and today is the day we show what we're made of.
today
↓
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Now, who are we?
↓
0445cbe5-a43e-44f4-8495-e5fd78d41724.gif
The forces of good!
forces
↓
fa420ac9-17ca-43ad-a936-9498ce20610d.gif
And who's evil?
evil
↓
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The Gophers!
↓
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Yeah!
↓
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We've got a schedule change, coach. The Gophers didn't show up.
changecoachschedule
↓
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So, you're playing the Black Hawks again.
blackblack-hawkshawksplaying
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Don't worry, I'll call it before it gets too ugly.
uglyworry
↓
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We're playing the Black Hawks again?
blackblack-hawkshawksplaying
↓
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Boys, boys, listen to me.
boysboys-boys
↓
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You're forgetting your mission.
forgettingmission
↓
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You're here to fight evil,
evilfight
↓
ac937fde-8e25-4f7e-97bf-971fee175252.gif
and the Black Hawks are the most evil of all.
blackblack-hawksevilhawks
↓
ca309627-acf1-494b-bf38-c524de6c6464.gif
You know, when the teacher remembers to give you homework
homeworkremembersteacher
↓
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right before you're leaving school, the Black Hawks are behind it.
behindblackblack-hawkshawksleavingschool
↓
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When your mother says, "You can't watch TV," for no reason,
motherreasonwatch
↓
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the Black Hawks told her to say that.
blackblack-hawkshawks
↓
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When you didn't get the Christmas presents that you wanted,
christmaschristmas-presentspresentswanted
↓
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do you know who got them?
↓
d5c2e63f-b5eb-4083-b5d3-616c4c00b2f9.gif
The Black Hawks.
blackblack-hawkshawks
↓
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If it were up to them, we wouldn't have Christmas.
christmas
↓
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I, for one, am glad that we have the chance to fight
chancefightglad
↓
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for what is right and good in this world.
world
↓
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Now, I ask you, boys, who are we going to beat?
beatboys
↓
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The Black Hawks!
blackblack-hawkshawks
↓
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And what are they?
↓
94a83940-d5c1-4082-98ea-22841965eff9.gif
- Evil! - Yeah!
evil
↓
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- Teams, take the field. - I love you, boys.
boysfieldloveteams
↓
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I've done all the coaching I can do.
coaching
↓
b66d1141-fa44-48e1-8adf-539d05a1bac3.gif
- The rest is up to them. - Yup.
rest
↓
0aaa20fc-89ae-4dfa-800c-6c0621c64e05.gif
♪ Motivation such an aggravation ♪
motivation
↓
751c1a9d-538d-4dbc-bf16-4b29ff2e078d.gif
Eat chalk, evil-doer!
chalkevil
↓
e0b18cca-ceb4-4256-a7fc-b18c5a2abf87.gif
- Oh, my God. - No.
↓
282aa417-bde9-488f-82fa-2e7641d20fb1.gif
We couldn't stop them if we wanted to.
wanted
↓
ca6e7a64-c146-48d3-82bd-41975043c5a4.gif
♪ Situation Never what you want it to be ♪
situation
↓
bf9c9666-11ea-4b34-9ea9-f9227d7a5217.gif
So, you just left the truck and ran all the way home?
homelefttruck
↓
d7d4308f-8831-4a6d-8f2b-90ffa305e343.gif
Hey, you didn't see the look on her face.
face
↓
28185ffa-a036-4569-872b-a2faf099df65.gif
I'm scared of even going to work tomorrow.
scaredtomorrow
↓
02c62325-fd92-46fb-bffc-ec60d424d242.gif
You know, she does have a turtle.
turtle