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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S03E14 — Cynthia's Back

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 3, Episode 14 — Cynthia's Back

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Episode title: Cynthia's Back
Air date: February 17, 2002
Director: Ken Kwapis
Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson
The return of the smart and sassy Cynthia rattles Malcolm, who's astonished by her physical maturation. And so is drooling Reese.
Source: TMDB
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My turn.
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Wait, wait, wait.
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I had no idea homework could be so funny.
funnyhomeworkidea
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It's suicide.
suicide
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I don't care. I'm going in.
care
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♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
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♪ I don't know ♪
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♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
questionrepeat
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♪ Life is unfair ♪
lifeunfair
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- My spine is curved! - How bad?
spine
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- No gym for two years. - This is brilliant!
brilliantyears
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I wonder if my third nipple can get me out of wrestling.
nipplethirdwonderwrestling
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It's worth a shot.
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Here comes her royal bitchiness.
comesroyal
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an inch to the left so I could get past?
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She's...
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dead...
dead
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to us.
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Hey.
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Are you okay?
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What are you talking about? What do you mean?
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Well, you've been acting kind a strange lately.
actinglatelystrange
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Over 12 percent deviation per vertical.
percent
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Fair enough.
fair
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Oh, that's great, son. That's terrific.
terrific
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- Uh, no. - Why not?
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I don't like kites.
kites
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What do you mean, you don't like kites?
kites
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I don't like kites and they don't like me. We just don't get along.
alongkites
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You'd like it if you tried it.
tried
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Come on, just try it. Hold the string.
string
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Hey, Lois.
lois
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Karen, what are you doing out there?
karen
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Come on in.
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Sorry. I didn't mean to lurk.
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I was working up the nerve to talk to you.
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Are you okay?
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- You look different. - I'm sober.
sober
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Oh.
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After I drove across that miniature golf course,
coursedrovegolfgolf-courseminiatureminiature-golf
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they made me get into a 12-step program, so...
programstep
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- Good for you. - Yeah, thanks.
thanks
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I'm doing really great.
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I'm up to the part where I'm supposed to make amends to the people I've hurt.
amendshurtpartsupposed
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What'd you ever do to me?
whatd
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Remember New Year's at Deb and Rich's where everyone was kissing at midnight?
kissingmidnightrememberyears
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- Yeah. - When I kissed your husband,
husbandkissed
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I kind of stuck my tongue in his mouth.
mouthstucktongue
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I felt really terrible.
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After that, I put my cigarette out in Rich's toupee,
cigarettetoupee
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and those things go up so quickly.
quickly
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- I had no idea. - You were French-kissing my husband?
frenchhusbandideakissing
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Don't be mad at him. He pushed me away after, like, five or six seconds.
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It was definitely no more than 10.
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And I'm sure he was only moving his tongue because he was trying to say something.
movingtongue
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That's enough, Karen. I get it.
karen
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Sorry.
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I have to go to Stephanie's
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and tell her she can take down those lost-dog posters.
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Come on, Francis, it's Friday night.
francisfridayfriday-nightnight
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Can we please go out and get hammered?
hammered
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Is getting drunk all you ever think about?
drunk
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I mean, look at us. We work like dogs all day,
dogs
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we drink, and then we work like hungover dogs.
dogsdrinkhungover
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Is this really how you pictured your life?
lifepictured
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Ever since I was little. Why? What'd you picture?
picturewhatd
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I don't know.
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There's gotta be more to life
life
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than getting falling-down drunk and behaving like a jackass.
behavingdrunkfallingjackass
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Look at what we found!
found
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- You stole a totem pole? - No, no, no, he asked to come with us.
askedpolestole
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- He hasn't shut up for an hour. - You can't leave this here.
hour
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People worship these things. It's like a sacred object.
objectsacredworship
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Do I have something in my teeth?
teeth
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Be honest.
honest
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What is wrong with you people?
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You see a symbol of a world beyond scraping grease
beyondgreasescrapingsymbolworld
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and your first thought is, "Let's profane it in our cabin"?
cabin
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Don't you have any respect for anything?
respect
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- Look, a penny. - It's mine!
penny
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I saw it first.
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Is my coffee ready yet?
coffeeready
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I can't believe you only have instant.
believeinstant
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I'm sorry our Folgers isn't up to your standards.
standards
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I'd be a little more impressed with your coffee-drinking sophistication
coffeedrinkingimpressed
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if you weren't wearing a kitty sweater.
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I'm supposed to take style tips
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from someone who keeps track of wrestling feuds?
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Ever since you've been back, you've been mean to everyone.
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I know you think you're better than us.
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Even if that's true, it doesn't give you the right to be nasty.
nasty
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If you keep this up, you're not gonna have any friends.
friends
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You think you know what everybody's problem is?
everybodysproblem
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Well, guess what, you don't. You think you're so smart and together
smart
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and that no one notices what an unhappy little person you are.
noticespersonunhappy
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I'm sorry.
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I'm not gonna stroke your fragile ego by confiding in you.
fragilestroke
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Oh, yeah? Well, you're on fire.
fire
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Mommy.
mommy
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How could you do that to me?
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You were on fire. I was just trying to help.
fire
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How does yelling, "Oh, my God, where did those come from?" help?
yelling
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I'm sorry. It's just, you scared me. They scared me.
scared
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I mean, they don't scare me, they startled me.
scarestartled
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- I... - I hate this.
hate
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Everyone looks at me like you did, like I'm some kind of freak!
freak
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I was surprised, that's all.
surprised
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It's just really different.
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I mean, I would react the same way if you had a new haircut.
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A giant haircut.
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No one can know about this.
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- You can't tell anyone. - What are you talking about?
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- Promise me. - But...
promise
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- Promise! - All right, all right, I promise.
promise
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Come on, you're fine.
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This is just a change on the outside.
change
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I mean, inside you're the same.
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If you give people a chance, they'll see that.
chance
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Will you stop staring at them?
staring
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Am I staring?
staring
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Dad, I've been thinking about how to fix your kite problem.
kiteproblemthinking
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- I don't have a kite problem. - It's okay, Dad.
kiteproblem
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Maybe we could start with you explaining why you hate kites.
explaininghatekitesstart
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Let me try it. I want to try.
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Fine, here, jerk.
jerk
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Help me! Help.
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I just do! There doesn't need to be a reason.
reason
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Doesn't Dewey ever have any homework?
deweyhomework
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He seems to have an awful a lot of time on his hands.
awfulhandsseems
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Something wrong?
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Yesterday I had the most interesting conversation with Karen.
conversationinterestingkarenyesterday
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She's in this program
program
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where you have to apologize to your loved ones,
apologizelovedones
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and it got me thinking.
thinking
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Do I have anything that I need to apologize for?
apologize
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Okay, by you, you mean me.
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Since you're phrasing it as a question, you know the answer.
answerquestion
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Karen told me that you French-kissed her on New Year's Eve.
frenchkarenkissedyears
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What? I did not.
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I can't believe it.
believe
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You're actually accusing me of this?
accusing
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Why would Karen lie?
karen
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Why would I lie?
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For the past 20 years, yours has been the only tongue that's been in my mouth.
mouthpastpast-yearstongueyears
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Now, you're just gonna have to believe that. I don't lie.
believe
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So, we gonna fly kites tomorrow?
kitestomorrow
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I'm sorry, son, I have to testify at a murder trial.
murdertestifytrial
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But darn it, you're my son and I wanna go to the park with you.
darnpark
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Thanks, Dad.
thanks
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The kids don't count.
countkids
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Hal, it wouldn't be such a big deal if you would just admit it.
admitdeal
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Oh, come on, Lois, what possible reason would I have to kiss Karen?
karenkissloispossiblepossible-reasonreason
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- You're a man. - What is that supposed to mean?
supposed
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You've been with the same woman all these years.
womanyears
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It's only natural to be a little curious.
curiousnatural
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About what?
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You mean to tell me, after all these years of marriage,
marriageyears
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you've never even so much as thought about another woman?
anotheranother-womanwoman
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- What are you talking about? - If you're just gonna be ridiculous,
ridiculous
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there is no point in carrying on this conversation.
carryingconversationpoint
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But you are on notice.
notice
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017e88e5-d3bd-414e-8dfa-68317b1e97df.gif
Wait. I wanna talk to you.
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2a99734c-2a1f-424b-a848-92028e80d758.gif
You are unhappy.
unhappy
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ac1fed5d-8a7b-45f8-b5d0-b35cee7a5ee4.gif
- Yes, I am. - Why?
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I think I may have ruined my life.
liferuined
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I left my family and friends to come up here.
familyfriendsleft
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8f962a6f-87ad-4469-b06f-129f0bf4572d.gif
I was supposed to be finding myself, but all I feel is empty.
emptyfindingsupposed
↓
62ee58cc-9c22-4e9b-9e7a-843cf4ae3e16.gif
I have the answer to your suffering, Francis.
answerfrancissuffering
↓
1626fc6f-e571-4b89-9a01-0a8ae099ce14.gif
The answer is...
answer
↓
19fa0987-772b-460a-a4dc-46c227b09e61.gif
Francis.
francis
↓
dae90dba-b386-4e6b-ae68-0084d6f4b009.gif
Who was that spiky-haired kid
haired
↓
fafcb176-4976-47aa-8e8f-b94965a87e7b.gif
- that was friends with Little Lou? - What?
friends
↓
7b9533a6-dfe8-4f4a-9b39-d6c354dbd5a0.gif
Ah, don't worry.
worry
↓
14f3265b-e39f-408f-8c6c-a8691a3f015e.gif
Maybe it'll come to you if you sleep on it. Hm?
itllsleep
↓
593a10a6-cab4-4d33-82f1-8310411f7084.gif
Everything's ready. The kite tail is set.
everythingskitereadytail
↓
c7012df4-9076-41de-ac01-54deef2a6e31.gif
It's a windy day. Now say it!
windy
↓
0d83aea1-258a-4252-af94-42d359496fd9.gif
I am not cursed!
cursed
↓
16f66e56-00b0-41f9-914a-647f273a155d.gif
Good, now run. And don't stop until it's in the air!
↓
62653e67-c2a6-4af6-a608-59f6a34d167d.gif
I am not cursed. I am not cursed.
cursed
↓
7f1f7345-2107-4268-b273-b4dbe89b2cdc.gif
Get off the field!
field
↓
cb174839-a30d-40c3-a7e3-cfcfc63f2353.gif
Excuse me.
excuse
↓
7d05593e-43fa-4cbe-936e-79201a7e5bd1.gif
Sorry.
↓
dd210f1e-2728-4c95-a56c-03465a2ef931.gif
Ah, ha-ha!
↓
ee3fd93b-5d04-4041-a222-2a0fc8aadd9d.gif
It's flying!
flying
↓
08fe7d9e-2eaa-4a0a-b752-8648ff91b611.gif
It's flying!
flying
↓
e0e09be0-e1d5-44a9-9eb7-8a8f1895befd.gif
I can't believe you guys threw refrigerator magnets
believemagnetsrefrigeratorthrew
↓
8fc22ac5-560b-4a4b-bb87-2741f22a6950.gif
- at Dabney's back brace. - Come on, it was great.
bracedabneys
↓
1eba713a-2406-4c58-b616-d4b0d0fbe528.gif
He was walking around all day with "Florida is for Lovers" on his back.
floridaloverswalking
↓
bb77925b-9163-4446-8d58-7caee11ef7cd.gif
That laugh is so not cute.
cutelaugh
↓
7c2160b8-8fcf-49a9-bd8b-32bb233b4687.gif
I'm sorry my laugh isn't as melodious as your lovely, cracking voice.
crackinglaughlovelyvoice
↓
cfb50383-83b8-4130-ae1a-d16aa456fc79.gif
My name's Malcolm.
malcolmnames
↓
64cc63fd-f8fc-4be9-9a9e-718e51af11ac.gif
I have all the answers, but no one will listen to me.
answers
↓
c3955948-ba92-460e-b049-aadcb995b2b7.gif
Oh, that's funny.
funny
↓
1939a033-f77d-405a-b570-cb960ce50f88.gif
This was fun.
fun
↓
d57e0321-3bb2-4dd9-ab2d-3059f5fc207d.gif
Hi, Reese.
reese
↓
9115cd59-5de2-4f72-a7da-4913831f1f81.gif
- What a pig. - What?
↓
ca829e58-880d-488f-b168-90763d5d6bab.gif
What happened to your friend?
friendhappened
↓
d4f11d66-d31a-4533-9459-ea31d4ba0f80.gif
She was never that great, but now, jeez. It's like she's trying to be ugly.
jeezugly
↓
6bed63dc-b384-4462-8c49-fa85e7cd2199.gif
- Shut up. - Someone should tell her
↓
fd956d94-e39e-40ce-9d62-e00cfb5e64f7.gif
she's not in "Europea" anymore.
anymore
↓
73261663-66f3-4376-b417-09314be36947.gif
In America, we take showers.
americashowers
↓
2392bd8f-0c17-4321-a01a-7c89e143f074.gif
Drop it, Reese. She doesn't smell.
dropreesesmell
↓
f0e6e640-e8ae-4985-8bf6-bde014e621c5.gif
Well, she dresses like a bag lady.
dresseslady
↓
3c3dd722-17ec-430d-bc6e-ac7e5c3c9988.gif
Oh, oh, I know, her butt is gigantic and she's trying to hide it.
buttgigantichide
↓
0b153621-6ffa-42a3-bd01-58b1989b8521.gif
This is so great. I have so much material for that.
material
↓
79e8911f-82c8-420c-be56-5efcb6509c3b.gif
I have a wide-load sticker,
loadstickerwide
↓
ce23b41f-4ad9-498c-969a-ae0f867af358.gif
and I can make the truck noise when she backs up.
backsnoisetruck
↓
afd57250-68c6-4d73-873f-bc6f3af7b236.gif
Beep, beep, beep.
beepbeep-beepbeep-beep-beep
↓
84c0976a-1a0d-486b-909b-f166a9e2c27a.gif
Reese, when exactly is she gonna back up?
reese
↓
ca798fe4-bf18-4029-89de-d95f3e711a99.gif
Your right. Okay, when's her lunch period?
lunchperiodwhens
↓
2177ffba-662d-415c-8f1b-eeeffda12371.gif
I think I'll sneak in and throw bacon at her.
baconsneakthrow
↓
1a036ee2-77e6-4953-8b6f-246aa727fd66.gif
Then she'll back up. Beep, beep, beep.
beepbeep-beepbeep-beep-beepshell
↓
cba6da63-1f5c-41e0-ad16-8c7c46bde01f.gif
Look, moron, she's not hiding her butt, she's hiding her big boobs, okay?
boobsbutthidingmoron
↓
a51903b7-5567-4649-b17f-349ae8d9c332.gif
So if you tease her, you're just gonna look like a--
tease
↓
f97cb26b-758a-44ec-acf0-5934c805111c.gif
You are a good, good brother.
brother
↓
bd6bd6e7-7b0a-437f-956e-ece9175b0e24.gif
No, I lied.
lied
↓
e1d2c7b7-ac27-4372-b970-a2b6bac6c3a4.gif
Her butt is huge!
butthuge
↓
5355a259-7d37-47a7-9bf5-72f0e89fd8ca.gif
I think it helped Cynthia to tell me what was bothering her.
botheringcynthiahelped
↓
f3107daf-b2d1-439d-8b0d-0af0e7ae4564.gif
She's been in a much better mood at school.
moodschool
↓
50c8aac2-725e-4495-956b-24ab80cc4e4c.gif
She even stuck her homework up on Dabney's back.
dabneyshomeworkstuck
↓
0ce12b21-588c-475d-8d90-ad433d78db98.gif
- What are you doing? - Algebra.
algebra
↓
1e8fb96d-122e-47bf-b505-34c80bc77a18.gif
What did he say to you?
↓
0c7e7f66-67c5-4470-98f8-54ed094b3863.gif
Malcolm, calm down. I'm just helping him with his homework.
calmhelpinghomeworkmalcolm
↓
829f7b99-1350-46b6-9d67-4d94007c2bf7.gif
You know Reese doesn't care about school.
carereeseschool
↓
72dee283-af92-4b86-bb20-8ab066948447.gif
That's what I thought, but when he asked me for help,
asked
↓
91a72387-fd6a-47dc-a69a-1853b08ec050.gif
he sounded so pathetic, I couldn't say no.
patheticsounded
↓
8a6134c7-4421-4a00-a146-4225482d7118.gif
How are you doing on number five?
fivenumbernumber-five
↓
4eef9a0a-13b2-4a11-8c65-6e6ee3f2e923.gif
Awful. I'm never gonna get this. I'm such an idiot.
awfulidiot
↓
2025883c-2674-48d3-9374-7732e23e4501.gif
No, you're not.
↓
87b949e8-ee98-46d7-acba-4e9caa1220e6.gif
Everyone says I'm an idiot all the time.
idiot
↓
a842d394-1155-450b-b0d8-075e66b639c8.gif
Well, he is.
↓
a7d3c17f-468e-4b5c-a9fd-8bc985cb03a5.gif
Malcolm!
malcolm
↓
0b67021d-cc9b-45ce-87b4-109ddeddb1e0.gif
It's not his fault.
fault
↓
4042f8ed-f292-4208-82ab-a9ee6ec0bc07.gif
Someone at some point decided I was dumb, and that's all anyone ever sees in me.
decideddumbpointsees
↓
4562d878-36c7-4a14-bd28-951437da7308.gif
Why do they always focus on one detail? They can never look at the whole person.
detailfocuspersonwhole
↓
3750c66e-c974-467b-ab5a-96ec1be88371.gif
I don't know.
↓
9b824191-e576-4663-85e8-b213b4a5b388.gif
Francis, Lavernia's gonna kill you if you miss another shift.
anotherfranciskillmissshift
↓
f99fbea8-2124-46ba-a2f7-cc5147c79fe3.gif
Let her. I'm not walking away from this totem pole right now.
polewalking
↓
9b441214-7ca7-4474-b7c4-49f719288e4e.gif
I'm this close to figuring out what it's trying to tell me.
closefiguring
↓
14ee9f91-3c5c-41e5-921d-e51f3e83eccb.gif
- Have you even eaten anything? - No, I'm fasting, it helps my meditation.
eatenfastinghelpsmeditation
↓
601b4e7a-c864-439a-bdd1-e69a505ab386.gif
I can't explain it, but there's energy running through this thing.
energyexplainrunning
↓
6e60d792-3e2b-4093-b9cc-b44a0b27578c.gif
It gave me that dream.
dream
↓
a35930ac-6683-4a6f-82b4-93e9d15ff32a.gif
It's trying to help me to get to something.
↓
84770208-bf3a-4a9b-8b8c-19ae9b12cc94.gif
That's it. We're getting rid of it.
↓
ac1ec363-9737-4058-be03-f84b45abd31b.gif
And we're putting you back on corn dogs and porn for your own safety.
corndogspornputtingsafety
↓
4bd614fc-13d3-4a20-b396-4a6b48cc6eae.gif
Back away from the pole!
pole
↓
e527f9e6-847d-4f61-92d4-23ebf2c5f3ea.gif
So...
↓
3b6f7015-1a68-42c7-b3cb-df30c87387de.gif
you guys wanna go...
↓
3f46b59f-52d2-497e-8ad7-73b948181fd5.gif
shoot some eagles?
eaglesshoot
↓
4f352f5b-8af5-417c-9203-08d527e62410.gif
Nothing else to do.
↓
9e221bba-9451-464d-a6bb-907b7a4deb51.gif
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know what you're talking about.
↓
3362f364-d7b4-4d95-acdb-c07a65dda82a.gif
Okay, I've been dying to tell someone. Malcolm, I'm gonna see them.
dyingmalcolm
↓
0b442608-2d05-4709-bb3d-e1fb8947e4ca.gif
- What? - I'm gonna be nice to her,
↓
8afa5d89-0f36-4759-b0a4-ec6b46864ebb.gif
make her my girlfriend, and get her to take her top off.
girlfriend
↓
3e5700e2-19c1-4188-9160-ee28cc5c82ea.gif
You're crazy.
crazy
↓
675dc6d4-f2d5-4cf0-9386-d403f01bbe35.gif
That's what I thought at first, but I've got it all figured out.
figured
↓
a61b1acc-d70b-48ac-bb4d-1680ec6665f7.gif
I've been working on this for days.
daysworking
↓
f2208d31-b95f-46ea-8184-e554e28cfd46.gif
Tomorrow I reveal an embarrassing secret that makes her feel trusted.
embarrassingmakesrevealsecrettomorrowtrusted
↓
dbea18bc-94b9-4bf3-9e16-d3d4c4f00005.gif
Friday, I'll sneak a kiss and then apologize.
apologizefridaykisssneak
↓
b6745458-4e53-46f4-a854-eea85fce96b7.gif
Three day later, I actually ask her out.
three
↓
ab9fae96-feff-42c6-b394-168033b8ca10.gif
She catches me crying. Make-out session. Discovers a love letter in my back pocket.
catchescryingletterlovepocketsession
↓
67b03e5b-31a4-46a0-8f0b-4d35cb826de0.gif
Heavier make-out session.
heaviersession
↓
3d9e79f6-99de-45f6-9519-7f9da82f5f5a.gif
All culminating in March 8th, Double-D day.
doublemarch
↓
aea4c42e-171e-416d-95f4-ceb3ab14f8ba.gif
You're pure evil!
evilpurepure-evil
↓
5dbdad42-ca5b-47bd-9e26-c9eba26449c9.gif
Who's more evil, me or the person who told me?
evilperson
↓
0c0cf07e-020d-4eee-bbbe-4495ec0f9027.gif
- You. - Yeah, but you'd still be in trouble.
trouble
↓
6ad80923-105d-4601-9ac0-94e8271436fa.gif
I bet she'd never forgive you.
forgiveshed
↓
839c1c88-f68d-440a-bfe7-32eced6186e2.gif
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make a mix tape.
excusetape
↓
a656f1ad-e834-456d-8d71-2c92a0443e83.gif
Okay, so we had a little setback, but don't give up.
setback
↓
fcf9bb63-44c1-45cc-ba82-6dbe9bb26274.gif
Forget it!
forget
↓
9f80507f-e66f-4700-8884-35908d9e652c.gif
I'm sick of this!
sick
↓
e8459ca0-0101-437e-971d-95b04847d0b2.gif
I hate kites, I have always hated kites!
hatehatedkites
↓
41c0c5e1-27c7-426a-a929-7d76b9aa718f.gif
Dad, don't freak out in front of the other kids.
freakfrontkids
↓
df4dc760-0efd-4e69-9bc9-1d3f1b3d04a7.gif
No, I'm never gonna get this and I don't want to!
↓
9754ebc5-cb1f-4063-b50f-bc4e9947c982.gif
You can't just give up.
↓
5191042d-8e04-48b4-9c8c-5d3c48401932.gif
I can give up whenever I want to, and I give up!
↓
5f076cad-0a74-451d-84cd-dfa23eabc8d6.gif
That's it. I'm tired of your attitude. I'm going home!
attitudehometired
↓
a485ac8e-2910-468d-9cce-5697e0d798cb.gif
Dewey!
dewey
↓
04bb8318-8f72-429d-9668-030bedec47d0.gif
Dewey, come back here. It's too far for you to walk.
deweywalk
↓
aaa99f64-519e-4259-9234-8a4bf80fe4c9.gif
Dewey!
dewey
↓
c47e35f0-485c-4d71-8003-e10d303d8a68.gif
Dewey, stop!
dewey
↓
aa957fbb-c75c-4a3e-892a-d8f75ef9e603.gif
Dewey!
dewey
↓
696cd58c-c937-47a1-bdbe-4dd964ba338f.gif
Don't you ever run away like that again.
↓
6768e001-0563-4c5e-ba33-617628750de4.gif
There's something on the back of your pants.
pants
↓
c1c9fe1e-8a24-495f-8e33-17cf4138bf7c.gif
I'm--
↓
e9c8b753-b205-43bc-b914-ce7679262871.gif
I'm flying a kite! I'm flying a kite!
flyingkite
↓
f7ed1002-febc-4340-a01b-f42248442138.gif
Lois, I did it! I did it, I actually flew a kite!
flewkitelois
↓
2179b08f-be84-4f1c-bc3e-abecb140c218.gif
I can't believe I actually thought these were evil.
believeevil
↓
e4af0002-f65d-4117-aa9a-1852ced9f35f.gif
I love this kite.
kitelove
↓
3eb59d94-c9a4-4c18-a672-e68b9bf403bc.gif
Why don't you kiss it?
kiss
↓
4c65cfe7-805a-441f-8305-5d53dad053d6.gif
Oh, for God's sake.
godsgods-sakesake
↓
28c7a84e-8ddc-4256-a090-56c695678c21.gif
Are you still obsessing about that?
obsessing
↓
31c40c1d-705d-41af-8bde-0fe8edd9f6ef.gif
I want a straight answer out of you.
answerstraight
↓
168688c3-aba3-48fe-bb7c-f39fe2ab7551.gif
Lois, I swear, from the moment I laid eyes on you,
eyeslaidloismomentswear
↓
17a235bb-e153-46a5-a0ce-bcc16b6ff1f7.gif
you were the only woman for me!
woman
↓
9d25edde-49d2-44b0-b2b8-1d6d17daaf71.gif
So, you mean to tell me, that unlike any other man alive,
aliveunlike
↓
9fe032d9-5702-480b-b4bd-2a1165a2f8d1.gif
you don't even have a glancing interest for other women?
interestwomen
↓
b5bea8f9-bb09-4b3d-a5fa-1b87cf40dcfb.gif
You, and you alone, stand outside
alonestand
↓
7c3ee870-15e7-4f7e-b58f-74995a7e7848.gif
the dictates of millions of years of evolution.
evolutionmillionsyears
↓
c0cd88c3-a3e4-4165-a11a-6ffa2804d8cd.gif
Why is that so hard for you to believe?
believehard
↓
61c9c174-e581-47a2-93c4-cdff29e8f46d.gif
Because I look at other men!
↓
8399dda9-1f51-45d5-bc9d-cccd5ad0426a.gif
Not seriously, and I would never do anything about it,
↓
6861ba61-afb7-457d-a7a4-adb33ffff3a4.gif
but, God, Hal, I notice.
notice
↓
0bc5fdb7-befc-4f13-8d49-2edfdbc1ddc6.gif
And if you don't, it means that--
↓
d58c7b28-89b0-4247-8b05-b79ad1a72f2c.gif
It means that you love me more than I love you.
love
↓
5fbd9cfd-cf8b-4c94-afad-6b821b8de598.gif
Well, honey, that's always been true. Of course I love you more.
coursehoneylove
↓
8ea582bd-3a90-44c8-bbda-e5a76bf3efc8.gif
And you're okay with that?
↓
903b206a-fcc1-4bad-bb9c-a3510425ccf0.gif
Oh, yeah. I mean, think about it.
↓
83735f04-d117-47cf-b6aa-8ebc2c78f703.gif
If you loved me as much as I love you, we'd never leave the bedroom.
bedroomloveloved
↓
1c6a4f5f-6a72-468b-ade5-9b11beb5f501.gif
Nothing would get done. We'd die of starvation.
↓
bbecd6ed-054e-47ec-9f63-bd6c17adc9cd.gif
I love you.
love
↓
7cc9fa7a-fbe7-46cc-ad2b-285f483c34d4.gif
Aw.
↓
852c128b-e25d-4716-b03e-bdee4a3768a7.gif
Not as much as I love you.
love
↓
b1c28d1c-d76e-4f5b-a358-9e35d233284e.gif
I have fasted, I have meditated,
↓
aa04becf-057f-4106-9f98-36739a98fc54.gif
I got frostbite spending a night in the wilderness!
nightspendingwilderness
↓
93a0be55-d18d-446e-8bc5-159d7d05487b.gif
I just want to know what to do.
↓
90b1b38e-99f9-4f82-81b5-026aaea58083.gif
What am I missing?
missing
↓
150aab6e-6e86-43bf-943f-b3d5fd29c93e.gif
Okay, let's see there's a wolf. What's that? Loyalty.
loyaltywolf
↓
4120b37b-329a-4a67-be15-93df83650bcc.gif
And the eagle.
eagle
↓
a3afaa46-d424-4edf-9055-8bbe0e0dbb03.gif
Keen sight.
keensight
↓
79fc26fb-f05c-4ab6-b770-24386f59f1c8.gif
Insight. And the frog is...
froginsight
↓
cbfae726-58f3-4983-bd6d-bf559db87e58.gif
bug-eating!
eating
↓
5914c1a6-4359-44cd-b026-aa5b37d1b964.gif
What does it have to do with anything?
↓
64ca5319-ae1d-4217-84a4-f5d0fbffc244.gif
Please just give me a sign or a signal or something!
signsignal
↓
a2b24365-fd16-4118-bb30-d7bda9658469.gif
Oh, my God.
↓
6d1de679-3339-42fa-8266-af058bf446d7.gif
- You the dirtbag that took my pole? - Huh?
dirtbagpole
↓
39f2da4d-9903-4a8f-b23e-449619c82dd3.gif
It's my pole. I want it back.
pole
↓
d003a9b1-265b-4713-b886-1c166f6faa3b.gif
Oh, of course, I'm so sorry.
course
↓
4314d118-46ab-47c3-824d-5e9e82deeb6b.gif
Look, I didn't take it, but, please, I'm going crazy.
crazy
↓
3a89c6fe-eaf5-4b27-a036-846ccfa60c75.gif
Can you tell me what it means?
↓
57d77da6-fae5-4e19-a274-3b763c9c5f62.gif
Well, if I hit it, it means
↓
ceccf64e-8f80-4e8a-9ffe-751ffce92a61.gif
I'm five inches away from the back of my carport.
fiveinches
↓
d8e3b424-2fb7-48f2-b6bd-08c6db6e776b.gif
What? You use this as a wheel-stop? This beautiful, sacred thing?
sacredwheel
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Sacred? It's a decoration.
sacred
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You know, like a coat of arms or a storybook.
armscoat
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It's a pretty chunk of wood that my kids helped me carve
carvechunkhelpedkidswood
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on a nice Saturday afternoon.
afternoonsaturday
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But you can't tell me that you can't feel the energy!
energy
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You white boys are all the same.
boyswhitewhite-boys
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I've got dark skin, so I must dance with the bears
bearsdancedarkmustskin
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and listen to the spirit of the wind.
spiritwind
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I got news for you.
news
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I work for a living. I'm a Baptist, and I'm proud of it.
livingproud
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But...
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- You sure? - And by the way,
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I have only one word for snow: snow.
snowword
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- No, stop! - Malcolm.
malcolm
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He's not who you think he is. I didn't want to tell you.
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The only reason Reese has shown any interest in you
interestreasonreeseshown
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is because I told him you have big breasts.
breasts
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- What? - It just happened.
happened
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I'm really sorry.
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But he only wants you for your boobs.
boobswants
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- Stop saying that! - He planned all this.
planned
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I can prove it.
prove
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He wrote it all down.
wrote
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This isn't it. Where's your real calendar?
calendarreal
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That is my calendar.
calendar
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All proceeds went to an animal shelter.
animalanimal-sheltershelter
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He's just using you and you fell for it.
fellusing
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Leave me alone!
alone
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You heard her.
heard
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But... What's her name?
name
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- What? - What's her name?
name
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I know what her name is.
name
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And I'm not gonna dignify that with a response.
response
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I know what her name is, and her name is...
name
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How can you be so creepy?
creepy
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Don't you even have the remotest sense of decency
decencysense
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towards a fellow human being?
fellowhuman
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I have feelings!
feelings
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I will be treated with respect! I will not be objectified!
respecttreated
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I will not be humiliated or demeaned!
humiliated
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Now kiss my shoe!
kissshoe
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Kiss my shoe!
kissshoe
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The private says, "But, general, I didn't touch your toast."
generalprivatetoasttouch
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Cynthia, something's different about you. Did you get a haircut? Oh, very stylish.
cynthiahaircutsomethings
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- Cynthia, did you like Europe? - I did.
cynthiaeurope
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I forget sometimes that there's a whole world out there
forgetsometimeswholewhole-worldworld
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that's not full of prurient adolescent boys.
adolescentboysfull
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There's sophisticated people who treat me nicely
nicelysophisticatedtreat
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and keep their mouths shut.
mouths
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I get it.
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- Yes? - Is Lois here?
lois
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Honey?
honey
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- Oh, my God, are you Lois's husband? - Uh-huh.
husband
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So, who is married to the bald guy with the earring?
baldearringmarried
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That's Donna.
donna
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Darn it! I thought that was one house I didn't have to go to.
darnhouse
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Excuse me.
excuse
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Oh, yeah, and by the way, I lived in your house
houselived
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while you were on vacation last month.
monthvacation
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- We didn't go on vacation. - Darn it!
darnvacation