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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S03E11 — Company Picnic (Part 1)

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 3, Episode 11 — Company Picnic (Part 1)

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Episode title: Company Picnic (1)
Air date: February 03, 2002
Director: Todd Holland
Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson
Juicy guest casting and ingenious plotting enliven an hourlong episode that airs in the plum post-Super Bowl slot. One storyline unfolds at Hal's company picnic, where Lois clashes with a blabby wife and her beleaguered spouse; and Hal runs afoul of his new boss and the big cheese. In Alaska, Francis's scheme to win a bet involves rigging a hockey game that pits loggers vs. a fearsome women's squad led by a blowhard coach.
Source: TMDB
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There it is. Kill it.
kill
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Dewey, a spider has just as much right to live as you or I.
deweylivespider
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Besides, it's unlucky to kill it in the house.
besideshousekillunlucky
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Okay. Hello, little fella.
fella
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Come on, sweetheart.
sweetheart
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Go, go, go!
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Open the door.
dooropen
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Open the door!
dooropen
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The back? The side?
side
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Side. No, back. No, side! Run!
side
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- Oh, my God, did we just--? - Go. She can only ground me.
ground
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Get your keys and go.
keys
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- But-- - Go!
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♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
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♪ I don't know ♪
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♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
questionrepeat
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♪ Life is unfair ♪
lifeunfair
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I've had a crush on her since third grade.
crushgradethirdthird-grade
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If I do like 10,000 of these tonight,
tonight
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I should have something to show by tomorrow.
tomorrow
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Dewey, no candy tomorrow, do you understand?
candydeweytomorrow
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I'll be fine.
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You get mean and crazy,
crazy
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- No. - No. Now go get ready for bed.
ready
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What are you doing?
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This is an important office function, Lois.
functionloisoffice
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It's a company picnic.
companypicnic
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Have to start off on the right foot.
footstart
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Hal, you're making too much of this.
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It sets a tone for the entire relationship.
entirerelationshipsetstone
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Hal, this is your new supervisor, Ms. Plum.
supervisor
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Great to meet you, Hal, I really look forward to working with you.
forwardmeetworking
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Same here.
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Oh, and what do we have here?
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My big, fat stomach.
stomach
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I'd like you to meet your staff, but I'm not quite sure where everyone went.
meetstaff
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It is great to meet you, Mr. Jacobson.
meet
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I just want you to know that I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.
terrific
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That's great, Hal, I'm sure you are.
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Have you met my daughter and son-in-law?
daughter
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- No, I haven't had the pleasure. - Kelly?
kellypleasure
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Steve? I want you to meet somebody.
meetsomebodysteve
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- Hi. I'm Hal. - Hi, Hal.
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- Oh! - So nice to--
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Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye!
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She's gushing blood!
blood
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For God sake, somebody put a tourniquet on her neck!
necksakesomebody
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I'm outside of my body.
body
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I can see a light.
light
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Grandma? Is that you?
grandma
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Son of a bitch, I'll gonna chew off your face,
bitchchewface
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I'm gonna spit it out and I'm gonna dance on it!
dancespit
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I'm gonna kill you!
kill
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I'm gonna drag your carcass through the street!
carcassdragstreet
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She's got a toothpick in her eye!
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It's like a chess game, Lois.
chessgamelois
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Every subtle move is vital.
subtlevital
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Oh, my God, what'd you do? You're huge!
hugewhatd
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Shut up.
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Reese don't. Look, I really like this girl.
girlreese
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Please. It's my first chance to see her since she moved away.
chancemoved
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I'm asking you as a brother.
askingbrother
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Please don't be a jerk and screw this up.
jerkscrew
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Wow, this desperate groveling is new for you.
desperate
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Keep it up.
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Call yourselves a hockey team?
hockeyhockey-teamteamyourselves
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If we're gonna beat McCallister Oil, you'll have to play better than that.
beat
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You're making stupid mistakes, you're missing opportunities.
missingmistakesopportunitiesstupid
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You gotta keep your mind on the game!
gamemind
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Are our paychecks here yet?
paychecks
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Aren't you done with that sink yet?
sink
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Are you kidding?
kidding
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There's more in here than when I started.
started
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You don't leave until that sink is finished.
finishedsink
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It'd go a lot faster if Eric were helping.
ericfasterhelping
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I'm not letting my star player anywhere near that toxic filth.
filthlettingnearplayerstartoxic
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I slave away all day by myself just because he plays hockey?
hockeyplaysslave
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He doesn't just play hockey.
hockey
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He skates like the wind.
skateswind
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And he's got a 70-mile-an-hour slap shot.
hourmileshotslap
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Well, indoors, fresh ice.
freshindoors
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We'll teach those thugs from the oil rig a lesson they won't forget.
forgetlessonteachthugs
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Those chicks won't know what hit them.
chicks
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You're playing girls?
girlsplaying
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The men won't play us till we beat their ladies' team.
beatladiesteamtill
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We're fed up with those girls. They play dirty, they make fun of us.
dirtyfungirls
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- They steal our women. - Yeah.
stealwomen
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Wow. People who are actually more humiliated than me.
humiliated
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I'd love to see that.
love
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Wish granted. You're our new equipment manager.
equipmentgrantedmanagerwish
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- What? - Rinaldo came down with jock lung.
jocklung
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Here's your check.
check
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There's a little extra there for you.
extra
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Thanks.
thanks
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Wait a minute.
minute
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There's no money in this check. It says I owe you $14.
checkmoney
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I didn't buy anything last week!
week
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Cost-of-living increases.
costincreasesliving
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Your room, board, pillow rental.
boardpillowrentalroom
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Then there's rubber gloves you insist on wearing, princess.
glovesinsistprincessrubberwearing
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This is insane.
insane
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I not gonna work 60 hours a week and still end up owing you money.
hoursmoneyweek
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- I quit! - Fine.
quit
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Just give me the $604 you racked up since you got here, you're free to go.
free
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What?
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How can I have possibly $604 when you keep taking my money?
moneypossibly
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Then shut up! And get back to work.
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And you'd better not let your equipment-manager duties
dutiesequipmentmanager
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get in the way of your real work.
real
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Man, that sucks.
sucks
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- Hello? - Malcolm, great, it's Francis.
francismalcolm
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- I'm in a real bind up here-- - I don't have any money.
moneyreal
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Wait. Hear me out.
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Tell Mom they're sending all the smart kids to Washington, D.C.
kidssendingsmartwashington
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Hit her up for $600 and just spend a long weekend at Stevie's.
spendsteviesweekend
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Reese, phone!
phonereese
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- Hello? - Reese, great.
reese
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Um, you know the hardware store on Second? They got a real slippery entry way--
entryhardwarehardware-storerealsecondslipperystore
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- Dewey, phone. - And there's--
deweyphone
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- Francis? - Yeah.
francis
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- Money? - Yeah.
money
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I don't know why I go to these things.
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I am so nervous.
nervous
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My stomach sounds like a bunch of dogs fighting.
bunchdogsfightingsoundsstomach
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Listen to this. Get your ear down there.
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Hal, you'll be fine.
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- What are you doing? - Just keep moving.
moving
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Is your new boss even here?
boss
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Are you kidding. They're all here. There's Landon.
kiddinglandon
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He's the head of the whole company.
companyheadwholewhole-company
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Of course the new guy's here.
course
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Don't talk nonsense!
nonsense
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Well, you've never met him. Do you know who you're hiding from?
hiding
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That's a good point.
point
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- Barry. Is the new boss here yet? - Yeah. He's right over there.
barryboss
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Hey.
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Let me know when you introduce yourself.
introduce
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Most of us figure you'll set him on fire.
figurefire
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No fair giving him ideas. Bet's off.
betsfairgivingideas
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Come on, fellas, I'm nervous enough as it is.
fellasnervous
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Hal, we're just teasing you.
teasing
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Come one, you'll do fine.
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You and I both know that's a lie.
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Yeah, well, I tried.
tried
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Oh, hi, Mom. Splendid day for a picnic.
picnicsplendid
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You want to do this the easy way or the hard way?
easyhard
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- The hard way. - Spread them.
hardspread
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Honey, I'm not always gonna be around to do this.
honey
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You have to control yourself.
control
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I know.
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Undies.
undies
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Malcolm?
malcolm
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Laurie, hi.
laurie
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It is so good to see you.
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Yeah. Uh, good to see you, too.
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- Wow, I can't believe how tall you are. - Yeah, well, you know...
believetall
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- Oh, man. I've missed you guys so much. - I've missed you, too.
missed
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I mean, we've all missed you.
missed
↓
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Everyone. Not just me.
↓
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Are you doing the three-legged scavenger hunt?
huntscavengerthree
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- What? - They tie your leg to another person's,
anotherpersons
↓
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send you off to find stuff.
sendstuff
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It might be fun. Plus you can win $100.
funmightplus
↓
518f2907-282a-4607-a319-c30fd24e25a7.gif
I just need a partner.
partner
↓
431c7bb1-5b27-40f0-a5d6-bfa6e18d7ef1.gif
Do you wanna do it?
↓
a1c9cc89-bbc1-4032-a099-bbde39c9b564.gif
Really? Yeah, it sounds great.
sounds
↓
683fffe3-40f5-44ce-8826-816534868835.gif
Cool.
cool
↓
acf87a50-f4bb-40bb-8aa4-8e13612eb0cf.gif
Is that your brother?
brother
↓
7116f1cc-8241-4521-ae39-183d4c61352e.gif
Hi, Reese.
reese
↓
32981fd0-31d1-4dcc-9902-b01cec3edc0e.gif
Sorry. I'm gay.
↓
14bb4f41-79c7-4bc0-866b-eeab3d3c9dbc.gif
Okay.
↓
2e423eec-44eb-409d-9989-825734648ed7.gif
You owe me.
↓
e6e9e3b6-7d9a-4de6-a877-cb18c84dec03.gif
Do you work for the company or are you a drag-along?
alongcompanydrag
↓
f9c6907b-9a2e-4953-817b-ac0bb21912d0.gif
Definitely a drag-along.
alongdrag
↓
8034fee1-96ac-444c-9b65-592384b94642.gif
Oh, me too.
↓
f722e4fd-42b8-48b9-b2bf-3cb8990bc99b.gif
Me too. My husband drags me along to these functions,
alongfunctionshusband
↓
dd99956e-9263-419e-b566-0c460228f77f.gif
then he runs off and talks to his friends.
friendsrunstalks
↓
4601a852-eb2e-4197-a9b0-d64065464ba9.gif
- I hide. - Hide?
hide
↓
1f0c1230-a14b-4261-ac93-bdd2f9ac7932.gif
From my kids.
kids
↓
11cb36a8-803f-4bd6-a003-f860a73b5a6d.gif
It's so great to have somebody to talk to.
somebody
↓
70058abc-1977-4598-9001-13b964ebdbac.gif
I'm really so bad at social situations.
situationssocial
↓
0a6453e1-6868-4716-aba4-9cbccd4db5a9.gif
My psychiatrist says that I'm emotionally detached
detachedemotionallypsychiatrist
↓
a2328e7a-434c-4d56-805a-3b7f4cd3a6e8.gif
and that I have paranoid fantasies about what people think about me.
fantasiesparanoid
↓
f03e7e45-ed23-4ba2-b484-21755ba37b7e.gif
Uh-huh.
↓
1e2e21b9-d79a-45a5-a26d-debdcc88ee49.gif
Sometimes it can get really ugly.
sometimesugly
↓
4ef414f1-05da-49bd-b043-fb7a571b5bd0.gif
False accusations, crying attacks.
attackscryingfalse
↓
5a78f329-d8b5-4306-94da-85e452997b35.gif
I don't know why my husband married me. I know why I married him, of course.
coursehusbandmarried
↓
b6d1524f-b181-45b5-89bb-c7d3c52263ec.gif
Because I'm addicted to disapproval.
addicted
↓
063401a8-f0a4-473f-9c06-4825eca9bda5.gif
Ah. Really?
↓
644389aa-58e1-4c41-b773-1a294c185c2e.gif
Oh, yeah, yeah.
↓
62ee0201-8e3d-431d-99d2-b2c514626476.gif
Of course, I only have myself to blame because he's exactly like my father was.
blamecoursefather
↓
e1c51898-4e33-422c-bf87-f9e80ce4237f.gif
Oh, my God.
↓
5c1bf503-faca-49f9-b746-491cf6b78b5c.gif
He was so judgmental.
judgmental
↓
d429a75b-dfe4-4324-8689-c9b0e415cfbd.gif
Every time I open my mouth,
mouthopen
↓
361f85ff-7d33-4003-99ae-7fd08a816207.gif
I felt like I was torturing him.
torturing
↓
3eb66aad-9f8e-43ff-971c-598935894a89.gif
♪ Come on, girls ♪
girls
↓
362b0f4e-47e8-4c11-a6bb-0337bb573c04.gif
♪ Come on, girls ♪
girls
↓
b22e7041-b502-414f-b114-7f7bc9038b24.gif
Wow, they're good.
↓
2210e1c0-1ec1-4005-9552-881b49e789e6.gif
They got nothing on my boy.
↓
e568f0bb-37c6-495e-8efe-ed57623e6c4c.gif
How's the diarrhea? You feeling all right?
diarrheafeeling
↓
099bf322-287a-4183-83d6-31a1e94fbb6e.gif
Tip-top.
↓
52795a18-a1e8-401a-b666-06172f6662d6.gif
Hey, coach, there's Lavernia.
coachlavernia
↓
464e5bb8-cd06-4664-ae19-2e95f32028d4.gif
I hear she might actually have a team this year.
mightteam
↓
da84f9a9-2c32-4c19-9127-25d515f90dbd.gif
Think we ought to adjust the front line? Clarence.
adjustclarencefrontlineought
↓
cdf84159-5406-4ddb-95f2-50d360a08ecd.gif
Clarence.
clarence
↓
66583b22-7ce3-4e75-b7a3-142569b45841.gif
What?
↓
801eeee6-c6e5-463d-b53c-426314d5c2cf.gif
Oh! Hey, Lavernia!
lavernia
↓
b978ee6c-1801-47ff-8302-60acdbaa3b97.gif
I was afraid you'd show your face.
afraidface
↓
b5a45b07-dbc4-4036-a247-f9d46aeb1d3f.gif
Not that I was afraid you'd play me,
afraid
↓
45b5ab56-fbaa-4f82-9ebe-2b2ea967be9d.gif
just that you'd show your face!
face
↓
9c2059e8-5acb-43f4-891a-92f652c6bba0.gif
Hello, Clarence.
clarence
↓
bae953d2-bd01-4797-8a56-68d5ae07d2f0.gif
I thought you only gave pep talks in your van.
talks
↓
fd841778-4e77-4ed9-8ca9-a17df2392187.gif
You'll get a boyfriend one of these days.
boyfrienddays
↓
55985092-d427-4198-85fa-5cae9a6cc60a.gif
You'll have that moment of bliss.
blissmoment
↓
e36f4c44-222a-4332-b442-9c7309b9a073.gif
And then you'll bite his head off
bitehead
↓
2b32f371-30c4-4ecf-9e28-8818e9c7394d.gif
and lay your rotten eggs in his decapitated body.
bodydecapitatedeggsrotten
↓
b5ddea89-bb15-4063-ac5a-3cdf27ad2c16.gif
Was that comment necessary?
commentnecessary
↓
7cbe50dc-97ed-4a33-b119-f0bead418240.gif
That's exactly why people don't like you.
↓
a7200c19-df9e-45c6-8440-deb468547919.gif
People like me.
↓
9bf6d766-68d2-4f80-ac4d-79cb57b48dab.gif
Who doesn't like me?
↓
7e471b53-bb80-4875-aaa8-4c6846add146.gif
I got a good feeling about today.
feelingtoday
↓
459c2d47-7769-4d11-99a8-8b258ddc5e70.gif
These girls aren't so tough.
girlstough
↓
2d96c8ce-61f3-40b2-935d-5a41330e6a55.gif
Wait till I get out there! I'm gonna--
till
↓
75195a6d-ab2d-4c72-9bb3-c1fa8804ba9f.gif
How's my breath?
breath
↓
3ca4f1a5-1d39-41d2-be3b-f9daa96d6a42.gif
It seems fine.
seems
↓
d5667433-1e49-47da-97f3-1450778dc695.gif
Not too minty? Because that can be just as bad.
minty
↓
dfe66ae9-37c2-4130-92f3-9b20067c39bf.gif
Please give me back my compact.
↓
747feb7b-83a8-4d4b-bd19-404733792a80.gif
Okay, get in, get out,
↓
605a074a-d7ec-42b7-8172-8bd17ec5f59e.gif
just say hello and go.
↓
0bd0d077-33c8-49d0-b4ee-75aa4efbfc46.gif
No.
↓
93477ab7-a351-4d6e-ab65-635d084c6cbc.gif
Mr. Landon. Hello.
landon
↓
af007a9c-2029-4932-be67-50b69e5777c7.gif
Hey, Hal. I told you about the first time I met this guy, right?
↓
6caec037-e664-447b-ae57-90fa794b2545.gif
The urinal-cake guy?
cakeurinal
↓
2efaa1c8-039e-4581-b82a-7ad0f111275e.gif
- Unbelievable. - But I didn't fire him.
fireunbelievable
↓
16e8590f-5680-4e80-9efc-841db0d407bc.gif
He's one of our finest systems managers.
finestsystems
↓
a33c02d5-0bd9-48b9-a09f-cfdde707607d.gif
Oh, it goes to show that even a gibbering idiot
idiot
↓
bb048922-ea53-48a1-aea9-321ece647b00.gif
can surprise you.
surprise
↓
58817242-2210-4b8f-960e-aeef78279d3b.gif
You know, sir, that would make a great chapter heading for your new book.
bookchapterheading
↓
9e425e57-2705-4ca6-8959-bfd44254bd2e.gif
I thought he dropped his pill case.
casedroppedpill
↓
ddd4d823-9b24-4f7a-b63d-02f993b053ce.gif
Excuse me for being considerate.
considerateexcuse
↓
9b094fcb-1d39-41ac-9377-fd33851ad2e0.gif
Hi! John Pratt.
johnpratt
↓
4064d83e-243e-404a-b51e-4fb29536b9ce.gif
It is a pleasure to meet you.
meetpleasure
↓
9ad24008-c489-42d0-8bfd-087ead64502c.gif
Hi.
↓
e11415e0-3944-4a6a-a9a1-022bbcdb3368.gif
You are a hard man to find.
hard
↓
05d86fcc-63c8-41f9-bf21-3528352cab93.gif
I had to have someone point you out.
point
↓
4e01b57c-ffbb-4fca-978b-bd9a0ca8cc6a.gif
Well, it's not like I'm avoiding you.
avoiding
↓
f6917639-fa76-46bb-b119-02ec614535c1.gif
I'd heard you had a great sense of humor.
heardhumorsense
↓
3e713af9-0df7-422c-a525-0ba77947a008.gif
I know it's just gonna be great working with you.
working
↓
cb8b58ad-6f26-40f7-b2ec-3a4d770bc726.gif
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
↓
ecbc944c-3ee5-43b9-8d27-21221090f7ed.gif
- Well, I should get back to my family now. - Oh.
family
↓
2e750488-d4a7-4b75-bdd6-d89216960dfa.gif
Right, right. Sorry to hold you up.
↓
286cc2a9-6d1a-4d13-afdb-b74fc24360a2.gif
It is a real pleasure to meet you, Mr. Landon.
landonmeetpleasurerealreal-pleasure
↓
e81dd46e-b912-4b17-bdb7-f76b64206d89.gif
Same here.
↓
3ba43cf1-5418-472c-bb64-4f4a938fe7dc.gif
All right, boys, you got ten minutes!
boysminutes
↓
20e51f62-4dab-4a00-942b-de09964cfaeb.gif
Leave your wallets and other valuables in here.
valuableswallets
↓
07a86097-be15-4931-acf1-8f6b9e11db46.gif
Hustle up! You gotta get out on the ice, warm up.
hustlewarm
↓
e92d965e-1158-468c-9ca4-5c052f5773cb.gif
I don't think I can play.
↓
0aeec1d5-fc26-476e-91cd-d6d5874d0281.gif
My glute cramped up on the ride over.
crampedride
↓
bca6bc82-bfde-4f4e-8014-fd24692a744a.gif
You have to play!
↓
561761ef-01c0-40a8-b155-cc62fa9a46c1.gif
Go lay down on that table.
table
↓
d8997f95-3abb-41b9-8999-3f15c671f587.gif
You.
↓
393ca4af-4321-48b0-8aae-be0dcef3f24e.gif
Get over there. Give him a good, strong massage.
massagestrong
↓
e915f749-bb3e-41db-93c4-d64ef395b473.gif
Work that knot out of his glute.
knot
↓
cdf96505-4637-41e7-b048-ef43fff30680.gif
Out of his what?
↓
ced4a5d6-2f02-47eb-b6c3-edaaf713907f.gif
No way!
↓
4417bfdb-ec5d-4eae-a6a7-5e665044d114.gif
He's our goalie. We need him.
↓
4a5e36e3-84d9-455f-b084-63cd8def86cc.gif
- No! - Look, you owe me $604.
↓
f9220be1-27d1-47ac-8fc7-a1435c7f14e2.gif
You do this, I'll take off 1.50.
↓
83821fe1-1863-47ed-a703-d489a2f50974.gif
A dollar fifty?
dollarfifty
↓
7b3b82dd-1c97-49b7-bed4-f14fa4463f28.gif
And if you don't,
↓
1893d3c3-ab9d-4477-a27a-75d8643de4bc.gif
I'll charge you 50 bucks for the ride home.
buckschargehomerideride-home
↓
006241ba-4f26-46f0-bad4-912ba7764e03.gif
The rest of you, get out there!
rest
↓
011228ab-2e01-4bbf-857d-9f81d8a1aa84.gif
Show them what you got!
↓
5d7f1a3a-8e0b-430d-ba9c-2ed7b96d9642.gif
Here, you're responsible for these valuables till after the game.
gameresponsibletillvaluables
↓
e963e9e1-5d28-434f-8aa7-2d228961f605.gif
Don't be afraid to dig in deep.
afraiddeep
↓
0d097f0b-5999-4c20-a94e-63e5dfece7f8.gif
If it helps, I'll unhitch the trap door.
doorhelpstrap
↓
c2ad1466-ef92-4363-9263-3aa993d6dd1a.gif
Get up, you idiot!
idiot
↓
131dbd77-ac7c-4d1e-8959-36a8a528bc8d.gif
What, are you stupid?
stupid
↓
7863424a-d67a-454f-b77c-93784b4edae6.gif
I said hustle to the crease!
hustle
↓
dfbb650e-ba43-4b87-8349-f2e68160b7a3.gif
Hustle!
hustle
↓
5b9c785d-055e-4324-902f-fcdb52a04a26.gif
Hey, I was just hanging out in the locker room
hanginglockerlocker-roomroom
↓
2804f3b6-61f0-4dd5-a412-d6e48b0d4bf7.gif
and the other coach approached me.
coach
↓
12ebea87-09d7-4982-b915-d22b3b917c2e.gif
What's that gin-soaked,
soaked
↓
96207ef8-e61b-4166-bef1-92333478aed3.gif
reptilian sack of dog logs trying to pull now?
logspullsack
↓
b6efa56c-e618-44a5-a495-c8ace9465f4f.gif
He wants to make a little wager with you on the outcome of the game.
gameoutcomewagerwants
↓
858f74a3-d607-4aab-893e-57f133bfae26.gif
Six hundred and forty-two dollars, to be exact.
dollarsexactfortyhundred
↓
31c94657-4f7d-46de-8640-c6bc11de05be.gif
Nah. I don't bet. I earn my money and hold on to it.
earnmoney
↓
be30148a-78b5-40ed-b35e-00b1fae85626.gif
Yeah, he said you'd be afraid.
afraid
↓
319b43b0-1745-4674-8729-0bdc3043a4ba.gif
Oh, he did?
↓
c9129b78-5645-45f0-a7c9-2a0242490a23.gif
He also said John Grisham was a hack
hackjohn
↓
e1c07ab4-3b2f-46d1-9bad-fd47e1bcf170.gif
with no sense of plot and a tin ear for dialogue.
dialogueplotsense
↓
506f47da-c42c-4cfe-9320-63b8bc2c075b.gif
What? He said that about Mr. Grisham?
↓
f3fab0c5-3548-448c-8031-f074a0bc0493.gif
All right, he wants to bet? We'll bet.
wants
↓
6054d72b-29b1-4631-a657-cb111e42fde1.gif
Tell him to make it 700.
↓
9130d9a9-ab23-4501-a445-219708e6db5d.gif
- He was pretty adamant about the 642. - Fine.
↓
7eff710a-253f-4fdb-b38b-f310cfea51cd.gif
Hey, Chuck!
chuck
↓
cf094b24-8226-42d7-8ffc-0ca929f6e244.gif
I need you to hold on to some bet money.
money
↓
a6e3d603-0b81-41fd-9388-822a9a534a05.gif
Okay.
↓
7d69146d-720c-41ff-8554-becbb635f842.gif
That idiot Clarence has no idea what we got in store for him.
clarenceideaidiotstore
↓
7fbd606a-9bac-4a56-8ce8-f88272514170.gif
Hey, go, go, go!
↓
ad61fbf7-ffad-4322-9eb1-9beaa48fbb0e.gif
Easiest 700 I ever made.
easiest
↓
ccd95961-85ed-4136-bf52-16cf3dcef4af.gif
What's with my skates? The blades are so dull.
bladesdullskates
↓
d3b393f9-48a9-4e6d-b780-ef3c0a2084de.gif
Hey.
↓
d1b7c784-7593-414c-846f-93084ec44a4f.gif
Somebody unscrewed mine.
somebody
↓
4b04b886-9cd0-4f51-a86d-a66b92814bd5.gif
I got Vaseline all over my grip tape.
griptape
↓
3668eacb-5a7d-4874-abd9-3df773b0a032.gif
Go, go, go!
↓
90a2acfc-936e-4054-8817-6f41a7adc81c.gif
He is never home.
home
↓
ddde15a7-df43-4d97-9dee-8c58f205c594.gif
The last time we had dinner together was six months ago.
dinnermonths
↓
cc3f9374-bc36-4c5b-8b3f-9b1d742a4b4c.gif
And that was with his boss.
boss
↓
7f71476a-256f-470e-ab88-211a73be960d.gif
Oh, and did I tell you about our anniversary?
anniversary
↓
848c9879-9222-498c-9e3e-76088ed33f40.gif
I bought 30 dollars' worth of candles.
boughtcandlesdollarsworth
↓
57beaf0b-db53-4573-8ce7-af03d9e93580.gif
Thirty dollars' worth. I wore a negligee the size of a postage stamp.
dollarssizestampthirtyworeworth
↓
efcc77f5-55a3-43e2-a6ed-60d337fe4949.gif
He walks in an hour late
hourlatewalks
↓
2a352ee7-7c3a-4f68-86ae-769a1fe67d0d.gif
and spends six hours in a computer chat room.
chatchat-roomcomputerhoursroomspends
↓
9f531ed6-db72-4277-9274-71500b1ed6a1.gif
I drank an entire bottle of champagne, then I passed out.
bottlechampagnedrankentirepassed
↓
faaff73a-cbf7-49db-8c8e-861da0de02d5.gif
And I woke up the next morning with the dog licking my face.
facelickingmorningwoke
↓
47f25626-0bb4-4ab0-bee1-d1f3102b91a6.gif
And I actually thought it was my husband.
husband
↓
3431811d-666e-4ba1-8023-0b4eabb5f3f3.gif
I'm gonna find my boys.
boys
↓
9cd50fca-f2c8-4cdb-9832-f4de7f782f28.gif
As if he would show me any kind of affection.
affection
↓
3b57aaaa-6ddd-4e63-a868-d7ca010e53fc.gif
As far as he's concerned,
concerned
↓
545c0c2a-8c76-4392-be80-0a113ed77a31.gif
I'm still the fat lady that answers his psychiatrist's phone.
answersladyphonepsychiatrists
↓
d11dbf18-7405-4cb3-871a-ca23a9d9ea69.gif
I mean, in my mind, I do see myself as a 200-pounder.
mindpounder
↓
aa522967-b15d-4e97-9fea-2552aaf01e39.gif
But I have seen the way that other men look at me.
seen
↓
10a01b77-b0ed-42f4-bf67-11cecb729c61.gif
Wanda!
wanda
↓
c2033318-0287-44a9-938a-aac956cf5094.gif
Oh, so good to see you again.
↓
2993ad7c-0e73-4fa0-96f4-bb1bc4ddd820.gif
Oh, Wanda this is Meg. Meg this is Wanda.
wanda
↓
c0d1a74f-c69d-45f9-8d43-889f9294ef54.gif
Why don't you get to know each other? I'll be right back.
↓
c48dbc06-df22-4ec7-bad6-b3f125251e75.gif
Um...
↓
2921eb32-3edd-4258-91b8-4197bc7cf9d1.gif
So, how do you know Lois?
lois
↓
ac1ebef8-c88a-47cb-9c84-4e2a07703054.gif
I like you. You're fun.
fun
↓
09a11df4-fd08-40f2-aa5d-ffbc0dcfdab1.gif
I like you, too.
↓
2e6961b3-440e-48b6-b3ca-91954d0a04cd.gif
Want some of my candy?
candy
↓
60b1dd32-58bc-4ff2-a430-9555ab15c45d.gif
You fill up on that bread.
breadfill
↓
9810c6a0-2629-40a1-a9a0-f7f2bc75003b.gif
It's better you get sick on that than on candy, you understand me?
candysick
↓
6177961b-41a8-40eb-a39f-d5f2cb307aa1.gif
I got enough to worry about without you going crazy on me.
crazyworry
↓
6cee917c-235a-4b19-a602-7058d2d41a0f.gif
Stay here!
↓
709e7a24-186c-4924-9fa8-72922b291c9b.gif
- Hi, Lois. - Are you hiding back here?
hidinglois
↓
c7349686-ef3c-443b-bc33-e6fd1173f01f.gif
No, no, just enjoying the shade.
enjoyingshade
↓
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- Did you meet your new boss yet? - Yep.
bossmeet
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- How'd it go? - Fine. Good guy, we really hit it off.
howd
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- What happened? - What do you mean?
happened
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It went well. He likes me.
likes
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Is it such a hard thing to imagine I made a good first impression?
hardimagineimpression
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Hey, Mr. Landon!
landon
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- You should give me a little credit. - Mr. Landon!
creditlandon
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Hey, boss!
boss
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- Is that man--? - Of course he isn't!
course
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Whatever you were gonna say, whatever that was, he isn't.
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Hal, I'm not going anywhere until--
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Lois! Lois!
loislois-lois
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Excuse me. Mr. Landon!
excuselandon
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So, did I tell you that his mother is coming to visit me this week?
comingmothervisitweek
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I mean, she despises me, but at least she talks to me.
leasttalks
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My husband, on the other hand, hasn't said two words besides:
besideshandhusbandwords
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"Where's the remote?" and "How far are those gonna sag?"
remote
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This really isn't a good time.
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Every year, he has to go to this stupid get-together
stupid
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for his old friends from college.
collegefriends
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We're about to walk into this party and he turns to me
partyturnswalk
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and he tells me not to say anything stupid.
stupidtells
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How is a person supposed to respond to that?
personrespondsupposed
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I embarrass him one time. I didn't know who Ernest Hemingway was.
embarrass
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All right, girls? Secure.
girlssecure
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Okay, Pete and Cathy, you're next.
cathypete
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It is so great to see you again, Malcolm.
malcolm
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Great to see you, too.
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For those of you without partners, we've done a random pairing.
partnersrandom
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Mike and Christina.
mike
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Reese and George.
georgereese
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I'm Reese.
reese
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I'm George.
george
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You can call me George.
george
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I can eat eight hot dogs.
dogseight
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That's good, George.
george
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You've got to be kidding me.
kidding
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It's really weird being away from all of my friends I grew up with.
friendsgrewweird
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I'll bet.
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- Malcolm, can I ask you something? - Sure.
malcolm
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If you liked somebody
likedsomebody
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and you had no idea if they liked you back,
idealiked
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would you say something?
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I've always thought honesty was a good thing.
honesty
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Me too.
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But what if they lived too far away and it'd be really hard?
hardlived
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I like you, too, Laurie.
laurie
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I really, really like you.
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Honestly, you have no idea.
idea
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I've liked you for years.
likedyears
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I think about you all the time.
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Oh, no.
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- What? - Oh, my God.
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I am so sorry.
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I was talking about Gary Spindler.
gary
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- Oh, no. - Oh.
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- It's okay. - No. This is so humiliating.
humiliating
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And it's all my fault.
fault
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Oh, Malcolm. I am so sorry.
malcolm
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Really, it's not that--
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"Malcolm and Laurie."
lauriemalcolm
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Now, remember, you're only gonna be tied together for three hours.
hoursrememberthreethree-hourstied
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So, let's get hopping.