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Malcolm in the Middle

Season 3, Episode 11 โ€” Company Picnic (Part 1)

TMDB episode metadata
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There it is. Kill it.
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Dewey, a spider has just as much right to live as you or I.
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Besides, it's unlucky to kill it in the house.
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Okay. Hello, little fella.
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Come on, sweetheart.
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Go, go, go!
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Open the door.
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Open the door!
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The back? The side?
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Side. No, back. No, side! Run!
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- Oh, my God, did we just--? - Go. She can only ground me.
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Get your keys and go.
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- But-- - Go!
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โ™ช Yes, no, maybe โ™ช
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โ™ช I don't know โ™ช
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โ™ช Can you repeat the question? โ™ช
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โ™ช Life is unfair โ™ช
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I've had a crush on her since third grade.
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If I do like 10,000 of these tonight,
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I should have something to show by tomorrow.
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Dewey, no candy tomorrow, do you understand?
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I'll be fine.
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You get mean and crazy,
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- No. - No. Now go get ready for bed.
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What are you doing?
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This is an important office function, Lois.
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It's a company picnic.
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Have to start off on the right foot.
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Hal, you're making too much of this.
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It sets a tone for the entire relationship.
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Hal, this is your new supervisor, Ms. Plum.
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Great to meet you, Hal, I really look forward to working with you.
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Same here.
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Oh, and what do we have here?
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My big, fat stomach.
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I'd like you to meet your staff, but I'm not quite sure where everyone went.
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It is great to meet you, Mr. Jacobson.
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I just want you to know that I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.
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That's great, Hal, I'm sure you are.
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Have you met my daughter and son-in-law?
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- No, I haven't had the pleasure. - Kelly?
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Steve? I want you to meet somebody.
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- Hi. I'm Hal. - Hi, Hal.
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- Oh! - So nice to--
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Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye!
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She's gushing blood!
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For God sake, somebody put a tourniquet on her neck!
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I'm outside of my body.
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I can see a light.
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Grandma? Is that you?
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Son of a bitch, I'll gonna chew off your face,
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I'm gonna spit it out and I'm gonna dance on it!
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I'm gonna kill you!
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I'm gonna drag your carcass through the street!
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She's got a toothpick in her eye!
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It's like a chess game, Lois.
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Every subtle move is vital.
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Oh, my God, what'd you do? You're huge!
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Shut up.
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Reese don't. Look, I really like this girl.
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Please. It's my first chance to see her since she moved away.
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I'm asking you as a brother.
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Please don't be a jerk and screw this up.
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Wow, this desperate groveling is new for you.
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Keep it up.
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Call yourselves a hockey team?
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If we're gonna beat McCallister Oil, you'll have to play better than that.
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You're making stupid mistakes, you're missing opportunities.
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You gotta keep your mind on the game!
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Are our paychecks here yet?
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Aren't you done with that sink yet?
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Are you kidding?
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There's more in here than when I started.
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You don't leave until that sink is finished.
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It'd go a lot faster if Eric were helping.
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I'm not letting my star player anywhere near that toxic filth.
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I slave away all day by myself just because he plays hockey?
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He doesn't just play hockey.
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He skates like the wind.
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And he's got a 70-mile-an-hour slap shot.
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Well, indoors, fresh ice.
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We'll teach those thugs from the oil rig a lesson they won't forget.
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Those chicks won't know what hit them.
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You're playing girls?
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The men won't play us till we beat their ladies' team.
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We're fed up with those girls. They play dirty, they make fun of us.
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- They steal our women. - Yeah.
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Wow. People who are actually more humiliated than me.
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I'd love to see that.
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Wish granted. You're our new equipment manager.
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- What? - Rinaldo came down with jock lung.
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Here's your check.
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There's a little extra there for you.
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Thanks.
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Wait a minute.
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There's no money in this check. It says I owe you $14.
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I didn't buy anything last week!
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Cost-of-living increases.
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Your room, board, pillow rental.
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Then there's rubber gloves you insist on wearing, princess.
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This is insane.
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I not gonna work 60 hours a week and still end up owing you money.
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- I quit! - Fine.
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Just give me the $604 you racked up since you got here, you're free to go.
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What?
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How can I have possibly $604 when you keep taking my money?
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Then shut up! And get back to work.
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And you'd better not let your equipment-manager duties
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get in the way of your real work.
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Man, that sucks.
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- Hello? - Malcolm, great, it's Francis.
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- I'm in a real bind up here-- - I don't have any money.
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Wait. Hear me out.
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Tell Mom they're sending all the smart kids to Washington, D.C.
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Hit her up for $600 and just spend a long weekend at Stevie's.
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Reese, phone!
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- Hello? - Reese, great.
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Um, you know the hardware store on Second? They got a real slippery entry way--
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- Dewey, phone. - And there's--
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- Francis? - Yeah.
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- Money? - Yeah.
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I don't know why I go to these things.
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I am so nervous.
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My stomach sounds like a bunch of dogs fighting.
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Listen to this. Get your ear down there.
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Hal, you'll be fine.
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- What are you doing? - Just keep moving.
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Is your new boss even here?
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Are you kidding. They're all here. There's Landon.
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He's the head of the whole company.
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Of course the new guy's here.
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Don't talk nonsense!
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Well, you've never met him. Do you know who you're hiding from?
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That's a good point.
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- Barry. Is the new boss here yet? - Yeah. He's right over there.
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Hey.
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Let me know when you introduce yourself.
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Most of us figure you'll set him on fire.
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No fair giving him ideas. Bet's off.
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Come on, fellas, I'm nervous enough as it is.
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Hal, we're just teasing you.
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Come one, you'll do fine.
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You and I both know that's a lie.
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Yeah, well, I tried.
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Oh, hi, Mom. Splendid day for a picnic.
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You want to do this the easy way or the hard way?
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- The hard way. - Spread them.
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Honey, I'm not always gonna be around to do this.
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You have to control yourself.
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I know.
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Undies.
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Malcolm?
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Laurie, hi.
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It is so good to see you.
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Yeah. Uh, good to see you, too.
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- Wow, I can't believe how tall you are. - Yeah, well, you know...
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- Oh, man. I've missed you guys so much. - I've missed you, too.
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I mean, we've all missed you.
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Everyone. Not just me.
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Are you doing the three-legged scavenger hunt?
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- What? - They tie your leg to another person's,
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send you off to find stuff.
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It might be fun. Plus you can win $100.
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I just need a partner.
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Do you wanna do it?
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Really? Yeah, it sounds great.
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Cool.
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Is that your brother?
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Hi, Reese.
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Sorry. I'm gay.
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Okay.
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You owe me.
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Do you work for the company or are you a drag-along?
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Definitely a drag-along.
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Oh, me too.
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Me too. My husband drags me along to these functions,
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then he runs off and talks to his friends.
โ†“
4601a852-eb2e-4197-a9b0-d64065464ba9.gif
- I hide. - Hide?
โ†“
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From my kids.
โ†“
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It's so great to have somebody to talk to.
โ†“
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I'm really so bad at social situations.
โ†“
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My psychiatrist says that I'm emotionally detached
โ†“
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and that I have paranoid fantasies about what people think about me.
โ†“
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Uh-huh.
โ†“
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Sometimes it can get really ugly.
โ†“
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False accusations, crying attacks.
โ†“
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I don't know why my husband married me. I know why I married him, of course.
โ†“
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Because I'm addicted to disapproval.
โ†“
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Ah. Really?
โ†“
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Oh, yeah, yeah.
โ†“
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Of course, I only have myself to blame because he's exactly like my father was.
โ†“
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Oh, my God.
โ†“
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He was so judgmental.
โ†“
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Every time I open my mouth,
โ†“
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I felt like I was torturing him.
โ†“
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โ™ช Come on, girls โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช Come on, girls โ™ช
โ†“
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Wow, they're good.
โ†“
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They got nothing on my boy.
โ†“
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How's the diarrhea? You feeling all right?
โ†“
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Tip-top.
โ†“
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Hey, coach, there's Lavernia.
โ†“
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I hear she might actually have a team this year.
โ†“
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Think we ought to adjust the front line? Clarence.
โ†“
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Clarence.
โ†“
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What?
โ†“
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Oh! Hey, Lavernia!
โ†“
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I was afraid you'd show your face.
โ†“
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Not that I was afraid you'd play me,
โ†“
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just that you'd show your face!
โ†“
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Hello, Clarence.
โ†“
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I thought you only gave pep talks in your van.
โ†“
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You'll get a boyfriend one of these days.
โ†“
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You'll have that moment of bliss.
โ†“
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And then you'll bite his head off
โ†“
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and lay your rotten eggs in his decapitated body.
โ†“
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Was that comment necessary?
โ†“
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That's exactly why people don't like you.
โ†“
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People like me.
โ†“
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Who doesn't like me?
โ†“
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I got a good feeling about today.
โ†“
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These girls aren't so tough.
โ†“
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Wait till I get out there! I'm gonna--
โ†“
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How's my breath?
โ†“
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It seems fine.
โ†“
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Not too minty? Because that can be just as bad.
โ†“
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Please give me back my compact.
โ†“
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Okay, get in, get out,
โ†“
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just say hello and go.
โ†“
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No.
โ†“
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Mr. Landon. Hello.
โ†“
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Hey, Hal. I told you about the first time I met this guy, right?
โ†“
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The urinal-cake guy?
โ†“
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- Unbelievable. - But I didn't fire him.
โ†“
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He's one of our finest systems managers.
โ†“
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Oh, it goes to show that even a gibbering idiot
โ†“
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can surprise you.
โ†“
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You know, sir, that would make a great chapter heading for your new book.
โ†“
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I thought he dropped his pill case.
โ†“
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Excuse me for being considerate.
โ†“
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Hi! John Pratt.
โ†“
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It is a pleasure to meet you.
โ†“
9ad24008-c489-42d0-8bfd-087ead64502c.gif
Hi.
โ†“
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You are a hard man to find.
โ†“
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I had to have someone point you out.
โ†“
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Well, it's not like I'm avoiding you.
โ†“
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I'd heard you had a great sense of humor.
โ†“
3e713af9-0df7-422c-a525-0ba77947a008.gif
I know it's just gonna be great working with you.
โ†“
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- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
โ†“
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- Well, I should get back to my family now. - Oh.
โ†“
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Right, right. Sorry to hold you up.
โ†“
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It is a real pleasure to meet you, Mr. Landon.
โ†“
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Same here.
โ†“
3ba43cf1-5418-472c-bb64-4f4a938fe7dc.gif
All right, boys, you got ten minutes!
โ†“
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Leave your wallets and other valuables in here.
โ†“
07a86097-be15-4931-acf1-8f6b9e11db46.gif
Hustle up! You gotta get out on the ice, warm up.
โ†“
e92d965e-1158-468c-9ca4-5c052f5773cb.gif
I don't think I can play.
โ†“
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My glute cramped up on the ride over.
โ†“
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You have to play!
โ†“
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Go lay down on that table.
โ†“
d8997f95-3abb-41b9-8999-3f15c671f587.gif
You.
โ†“
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Get over there. Give him a good, strong massage.
โ†“
e915f749-bb3e-41db-93c4-d64ef395b473.gif
Work that knot out of his glute.
โ†“
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Out of his what?
โ†“
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No way!
โ†“
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He's our goalie. We need him.
โ†“
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- No! - Look, you owe me $604.
โ†“
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You do this, I'll take off 1.50.
โ†“
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A dollar fifty?
โ†“
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And if you don't,
โ†“
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I'll charge you 50 bucks for the ride home.
โ†“
006241ba-4f26-46f0-bad4-912ba7764e03.gif
The rest of you, get out there!
โ†“
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Show them what you got!
โ†“
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Here, you're responsible for these valuables till after the game.
โ†“
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Don't be afraid to dig in deep.
โ†“
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If it helps, I'll unhitch the trap door.
โ†“
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Get up, you idiot!
โ†“
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What, are you stupid?
โ†“
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I said hustle to the crease!
โ†“
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Hustle!
โ†“
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Hey, I was just hanging out in the locker room
โ†“
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and the other coach approached me.
โ†“
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What's that gin-soaked,
โ†“
96207ef8-e61b-4166-bef1-92333478aed3.gif
reptilian sack of dog logs trying to pull now?
โ†“
b6efa56c-e618-44a5-a495-c8ace9465f4f.gif
He wants to make a little wager with you on the outcome of the game.
โ†“
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Six hundred and forty-two dollars, to be exact.
โ†“
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Nah. I don't bet. I earn my money and hold on to it.
โ†“
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Yeah, he said you'd be afraid.
โ†“
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Oh, he did?
โ†“
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He also said John Grisham was a hack
โ†“
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with no sense of plot and a tin ear for dialogue.
โ†“
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What? He said that about Mr. Grisham?
โ†“
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All right, he wants to bet? We'll bet.
โ†“
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Tell him to make it 700.
โ†“
9130d9a9-ab23-4501-a445-219708e6db5d.gif
- He was pretty adamant about the 642. - Fine.
โ†“
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Hey, Chuck!
โ†“
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I need you to hold on to some bet money.
โ†“
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Okay.
โ†“
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That idiot Clarence has no idea what we got in store for him.
โ†“
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Hey, go, go, go!
โ†“
ad61fbf7-ffad-4322-9eb1-9beaa48fbb0e.gif
Easiest 700 I ever made.
โ†“
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What's with my skates? The blades are so dull.
โ†“
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Hey.
โ†“
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Somebody unscrewed mine.
โ†“
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I got Vaseline all over my grip tape.
โ†“
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Go, go, go!
โ†“
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He is never home.
โ†“
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The last time we had dinner together was six months ago.
โ†“
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And that was with his boss.
โ†“
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Oh, and did I tell you about our anniversary?
โ†“
848c9879-9222-498c-9e3e-76088ed33f40.gif
I bought 30 dollars' worth of candles.
โ†“
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Thirty dollars' worth. I wore a negligee the size of a postage stamp.
โ†“
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He walks in an hour late
โ†“
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and spends six hours in a computer chat room.
โ†“
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I drank an entire bottle of champagne, then I passed out.
โ†“
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And I woke up the next morning with the dog licking my face.
โ†“
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And I actually thought it was my husband.
โ†“
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I'm gonna find my boys.
โ†“
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As if he would show me any kind of affection.
โ†“
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As far as he's concerned,
โ†“
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I'm still the fat lady that answers his psychiatrist's phone.
โ†“
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I mean, in my mind, I do see myself as a 200-pounder.
โ†“
aa522967-b15d-4e97-9fea-2552aaf01e39.gif
But I have seen the way that other men look at me.
โ†“
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Wanda!
โ†“
c2033318-0287-44a9-938a-aac956cf5094.gif
Oh, so good to see you again.
โ†“
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Oh, Wanda this is Meg. Meg this is Wanda.
โ†“
c0d1a74f-c69d-45f9-8d43-889f9294ef54.gif
Why don't you get to know each other? I'll be right back.
โ†“
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Um...
โ†“
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So, how do you know Lois?
โ†“
ac1ebef8-c88a-47cb-9c84-4e2a07703054.gif
I like you. You're fun.
fun
โ†“
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I like you, too.
โ†“
2e6961b3-440e-48b6-b3ca-91954d0a04cd.gif
Want some of my candy?
โ†“
60b1dd32-58bc-4ff2-a430-9555ab15c45d.gif
You fill up on that bread.
โ†“
9810c6a0-2629-40a1-a9a0-f7f2bc75003b.gif
It's better you get sick on that than on candy, you understand me?
โ†“
6177961b-41a8-40eb-a39f-d5f2cb307aa1.gif
I got enough to worry about without you going crazy on me.
โ†“
6cee917c-235a-4b19-a602-7058d2d41a0f.gif
Stay here!
โ†“
709e7a24-186c-4924-9fa8-72922b291c9b.gif
- Hi, Lois. - Are you hiding back here?
โ†“
c7349686-ef3c-443b-bc33-e6fd1173f01f.gif
No, no, just enjoying the shade.
โ†“
1c7cc067-ce7f-49ff-aec0-61f344e8d590.gif
- Did you meet your new boss yet? - Yep.
โ†“
f0837e19-4051-4213-b85f-a47d2ad3518f.gif
- How'd it go? - Fine. Good guy, we really hit it off.
โ†“
2cbf9bb3-801a-4f1b-bcdb-67e873c506ab.gif
- What happened? - What do you mean?
โ†“
0df4b97f-5e7f-4041-908f-e05123341fe5.gif
It went well. He likes me.
โ†“
11708d67-1535-4044-a4b3-e1db6f1c0292.gif
Is it such a hard thing to imagine I made a good first impression?
โ†“
8e5019a0-ef64-4607-aa41-33949a6dfa60.gif
Hey, Mr. Landon!
โ†“
3ef25630-5cad-4996-957f-4920afdf07d2.gif
- You should give me a little credit. - Mr. Landon!
โ†“
ff8f2cef-b29d-4d3d-b7e4-6645052e25cc.gif
Hey, boss!
โ†“
c00e0b5e-e4fa-48c6-9712-8bb362217dc4.gif
- Is that man--? - Of course he isn't!
โ†“
42b415d4-b4da-4a38-939e-647f74cf89c5.gif
Whatever you were gonna say, whatever that was, he isn't.
โ†“
f6a2dd2b-760c-46af-a4ae-b43163c87d34.gif
Hal, I'm not going anywhere until--
โ†“
500bdbac-0f71-4912-a2d8-90815d16e858.gif
Lois! Lois!
โ†“
1a934b0d-c01b-46e1-ae32-ab166ad6398f.gif
Excuse me. Mr. Landon!
โ†“
44b987de-4fb2-4a4d-963d-103b1b88ff4d.gif
So, did I tell you that his mother is coming to visit me this week?
โ†“
f852ef3f-5f7d-4a89-8ba2-b1536a0796a6.gif
I mean, she despises me, but at least she talks to me.
โ†“
c7671daf-d433-4ba4-adc6-665ef3158ea1.gif
My husband, on the other hand, hasn't said two words besides:
โ†“
3bafc0e4-967c-45da-8147-18e566530d43.gif
"Where's the remote?" and "How far are those gonna sag?"
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This really isn't a good time.
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Every year, he has to go to this stupid get-together
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for his old friends from college.
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We're about to walk into this party and he turns to me
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and he tells me not to say anything stupid.
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How is a person supposed to respond to that?
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I embarrass him one time. I didn't know who Ernest Hemingway was.
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All right, girls? Secure.
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Okay, Pete and Cathy, you're next.
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It is so great to see you again, Malcolm.
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Great to see you, too.
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For those of you without partners, we've done a random pairing.
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Mike and Christina.
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Reese and George.
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I'm Reese.
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I'm George.
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You can call me George.
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I can eat eight hot dogs.
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That's good, George.
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You've got to be kidding me.
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It's really weird being away from all of my friends I grew up with.
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I'll bet.
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- Malcolm, can I ask you something? - Sure.
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If you liked somebody
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and you had no idea if they liked you back,
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would you say something?
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I've always thought honesty was a good thing.
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Me too.
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But what if they lived too far away and it'd be really hard?
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I like you, too, Laurie.
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I really, really like you.
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Honestly, you have no idea.
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I've liked you for years.
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I think about you all the time.
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Oh, no.
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- What? - Oh, my God.
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I am so sorry.
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I was talking about Gary Spindler.
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- Oh, no. - Oh.
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- It's okay. - No. This is so humiliating.
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And it's all my fault.
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Oh, Malcolm. I am so sorry.
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Really, it's not that--
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"Malcolm and Laurie."
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Now, remember, you're only gonna be tied together for three hours.
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So, let's get hopping.